Just Babbling

So much for pretending

2012-02-14T21:12:00.000-05:00

The more I think about this stupid food log, the more opposed I am to it. Ew. They are the most annoying things to do because I'm not going to measure stuff and I'm not going to spend my day writing everything down. I'll do it at the end of the day and it won't be in order and there will be no times, just food. I hope to God that Steph does NOT make me do one because then I'll have to start that next week. I guess maybe I'll find out something when I see Charro on Friday.

My foot was killing me today. I ran anyway. I didn't care, I just ran until it really started hurting. I iced it for about 7 minutes when I got home but I did the frozen dixie cup massage method and since it goes directly only my skin, I didn't last that long. I don't like a freezing foot. I just wrote "food" by mistake.

Charro keeps telling me I have an eating disorder. What's that about? I still don't really feel like I do and I sort of question why she thinks I do. Maybe I'll ask her why she thinks I do on Friday. She might go into labor if I do that though. She'll probably laugh at me and ask me if I'm serious, but I am serious. I have to remember to ask her.

Ew, I have my last WIF on Friday. EW because when she comes back I have blind WIFs or WIWs. UGH!!! That is going to SUUUUUUUCK!! BLAH!!!

Charro said, "I'm not going to go along with this pretend eating disorder treatment."

Here comes the food log

2012-02-14T10:54:00.000-05:00

Awesome!! So Charro has informed me that I will have to keep a food log when she comes back from maternity leave, that is, IF I want to work on my ED. She also informed me that she will weigh me blind every few weeks, although maybe she will forget all of this after pushing out her child and being gone for 2 months. Can I be so lucky? She will probably change her plan for how often she weighs me, because she tends to do that a lot. I hope I know which day she's going to weigh me or I might be pretty screwed. I'll just have to be prepared at all times. Blah! She also said that she will have to refer me to a nutritionist if she doesn't think things are good enough, again, IF I want to work on my ED. The return of Charro might not be fun. I have a feeling she's going to highly suggest to Stephanie that she have me keep a food log too. She said that she was going to call her today, although I don't think she's working today so I don't think they'll speak today. I won't know anything until I see Charro on Friday anyway...our last sesh. :(

So this weighing me blind thing is totally going to suck. I guess it doesn't really matter because I'll still be weighing myself here, which defeats the point, but it is what it is. I just can't relinquish control of my weight, so I either have to tell Charro that and start talking about other things or keep faking it, which isn't fun. She knows that I don't want to gain weight, I've told her that, and I told her that I'm not really sure I want to change anymore and that I'm okay staying where I am. So, she said by the time she gets back I have to have decided what I want: Do I want to stop talking about my weight and eating all together and work on other things, or get down to business. Actually, today she said, "Sit of get off the pot." So, we'll see. We'll see what 8 weeks without Charro is like and what my time with Stephanie is like. Only one time a week will allow me to not have to think so much, which could be bad or good. It may mean that I just go into denial and go right back to everything I was doing. We shall see. Charro and I discussed that today. It's all up in the air, I guess. She would say that it's my decision...

2 more left

2012-02-13T15:11:00.000-05:00

I only have two more sesh's left with Charro until sometime in April. I'm not really sure what I said to her today, other than, "I don't care anymore. I'm going to do what I'm going to do and I just don't care." She agreed that that is the case, that I will do what I want to do and is glad to hear me say that. She wanted to know what the "I don't care" part meant, and I'm not really sure. I think I told her that I'm fine staying where I am with all of this stuff. I told her that I don't want to gain weight and that I don't know why it she freaked out that I "lost a pound." She said, "I didn't freak out." I said, "You said, "That's total bullshit, Palm." She said, "Well it is total bullshit." I also told her that maybe it will be good for me to have a break from seeing her, that way I can figure things out. She thought that was a good thing. She said that I should take time everyday to meditate about stuff. I said, "No, I meant figure things out by not thinking about anything." Then she didn't think that was a good idea. I told her that I wasn't going to think and just do what I felt like doing and then we'd know where I want to go from there. I don't know if it made much sense, but it did to me. I don't really remember what else, but I will when I listen to the sesh in a little bit. I told her that I want to pick up tomorrow where we left off and if I was unable to do that, that she needed to snap me into it.

Final Monday

2012-02-13T07:55:00.000-05:00

It's my last Monday with Charro for a while. Coming off of Friday, I guess we have a lot to talk about, since she was not happy with my weight. It's only going to get worse when she comes back and is weighing me in the summer when I'm not wearing nearly as many clothes. It's a never ending cycle and I'm kind of sick of it...the getting weighed thing, not my weight, just the monitoring of it. It's annoying and I don't like it. So, I have that to deal with today. Come Friday, I won't have to deal with it for a couple of months and that is going to be nice. I'll miss Charro but I won't miss this.

I hope it warms up before I have to walk to my sesh. I guess I don't "have" to walk, I could take the subway, but I choose to walk. There I have a choice.

I thought I got a hernia lifting a 42 pound bag of cat litter last night. That's a big bag. I think I'm okay.

Staying here

2012-02-12T15:59:00.000-05:00

Apparently me "not wanting to be in control" is me "hanging onto my eating disorder and having an eating disorder symptom," that according to Charro in reference to me not wanting this to be a choice for me. Yes, the discussion between whether or not I partake in ED behaviors is a choice or not a choice continues. I'm still arguing that it's not completely my choice but she totally disagrees with that. I still believe it can be either a choice or an illness and not both.

I know how I am, if I get angry at Charro for some reason, I'll rebel and weigh myself or not eat or something, because that's what I do when I get pissed off at anyone. It kind of drives me insane that she doesn't understand that gaining weight is like the worst thing that could happen from giving up an ED. She doesn't understand that a few pounds is equivalent to like 50 pounds in our heads. I think tomorrow she wants to know whether I'm willing to gain weight and move on, or if I want to "stay here." I think I'm opting with staying here.

Oh Whitney

2012-02-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, kind of crazy about Whitney Houston, right? I was shocked, but not so shocked, considering her history with drug abuse. I'm guessing that she OD'd, which is probably what everyone is thinking. They're saying that she might have drowned in the bathtub, I guess we'll find out. She did have a beautiful voice.

I took a boxing class yesterday and surprisingly, I can still move my upper body, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do. I'm a little sore, but not bad. My knuckles are a little bruised and sore, but that happens. My hands were shaking like crazy for a while after class. I looked like I was withdrawing from alcohol.

I'm sure listening to my sesh later will put me in a yucky mood, like I was in all day Friday after I left Charro. Three more sesh's left before she leaves. We'll see how everything goes. My guess is that I'll be fine, I may weigh myself a lot more than she wants me to, but we'll see. She wants me to not weigh myself for more than 6 weeks and that is a bit impossible for me, maybe because I don't really want to not weigh myself. I don't see the harm in it. Maybe I should just go in there tomorrow and say, "Listen, I'm not going to gain weight so this is where I'm going to stay." I don't know. Maybe this break will be good for me. I won't have to think or talk, which will make it harder to talk when Charro comes back one day a week. Life will be different for the next 4 months, but that's how it is and it will be fine. I just hope Stephanie doesn't want to weigh me, which I don't think she will.

I do NOT want to go outside. It's freeeezing out. After class I need to clean my apartment. I guess I need to cook too, which I've been putting off since I got home from vacation. I guess I need to have something here that I can eat.

Dry eyes

2012-02-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

My eyes might fall out. I somehow forgot to take my contacts out when I got home last night, which is odd because all I could think about was taking my contacts out when I got into my apartment. Well, I forgot. I never do that. It's not going to be very fun to try and put them back in in about 20 minutes when I go to the gym.

I danced up a storm last night (what does that mean?) and I'm surprised I can walk this morning. I'm sure my foot will feel great when I put on my sneakers. My hip was sore too.

I don't have to do anything all day, just work out and then babysit tonight. It's cold and snowy, but not really snowy. I need to clean and maybe cook. Right now I guess I should get ready for the gym and get there before I can't get on a machine.

Perfect timing for a break?

2012-02-10T17:57:00.000-05:00

I hit this point every now and then and I've hit it again today. It's the "I don't care anymore" feeling. I just don't want to deal with any of this stuff, so I just don't care. I'll eat when I want to and do what I want to, and however it turns out is how it turns out. Maybe it's a good thing that I'll be getting a break from Charro for a few months. It's not her, just therapy in general. I won't have to think about things so much, just once a week when I see Stephanie. I'm not saying that this is a good thing and the way to go, but at least I can just stop for a while. Stop thinking about all this crap and stop having to deal with it. Like I said, I just don't care anymore. I don't see what the big deal about losing a pound. I didn't even lose a pound, she just thinks I lost a pound. My weight is the same, I just didn't overload my clothing today because I don't care. There's no point.

K, I have to get ready to go be all fancy at an event with people who have more money than I'll ever know of in my life. Free dinner, which actually wasn't even that good last year, so I don't know what I'm looking forward to. Ha.

WIF, the second to last one

2012-02-10T11:24:00.001-05:00

WIF was not pleasant today. First of all I felt like Charro was examining my pants to make sure I didn't have anything stuffed in my back pockets, which I did not, because they were kind of droopy. Then she weighed me...All she said was "Alright." I sat down and looked at her and she said, "I"m not gonna comment." Then she said, "That's total bullshit, PTC!! Why are you losing weight?" (I hate when she uses my name) I said, "I haven't weighed myself." She didn't really like that answer because she says that that has nothing to do with my weight. So, she was not happy. She went off on some tangent, which I can't really remember right now and told me to think about it and give her my answer on Monday. I do remember her saying that if I want to stay here and live my life this way, than that's fine, but "we need to talk about other things and agree to never talk about your weight or eating, but I don't think that will be too great for you because you'll still be living with this thing." I kind of just sat there and looked at her like I was being scolded. I guess that's kind of how I felt, I don't really know. It kind of sucks that this is how it is and that she's going to be gone after next week, or maybe that's good. I don't really know anymore. I know I feel kind of crappy now, but whatever. She told me that I have to eat more and work out less. I told her how I ate really well while I was in Florida and she said, "Then you were working out too much." I was about to explain how I barely worked out and how I ate and instead just said, "Forget it, it's not worth explaining." We go through this over and over again, and yes, I realize it's me, but I don't know. It's not like I lost a lot of weight, it was like one pound. Why is that such a big deal?

Monday should be an interesting sesh. Tons of fun.

Foot and dreams

2012-02-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

I think I need to go back to a tropical place for health reasons. My foot was starting to feel better while I was barefoot or only wearing flip flops. It didn't hurt so much by the end of the week and I was running barefoot on the beach. I put on my boot (not a heal boot, but a Merrell boot) and my foot instantly hurt. What does this tell me?...I need to be barefoot on the beach.

I had a dream that I went to see Charro and I got there at 9 and she wasn't there. I was told I was seeing someone else, this girl who I actually know and have been to her house with my friend, so that was going to be a bit awkward for me. I was hoping she wouldn't remember who I was. Then we sat there for about 15 minutes while other therapists get coming in and out of the big room (office with cubicles because it wasn't a therapy office where they were sitting). I was getting annoyed and so was the girl I was seeing and she was trying to get people to leave. Charro finally walked in with her son, who was wearing all red and a Thomas the train hat, and took him into another room. I smiled at them and was excited because I got to see her son, and then she came out and talked to the girl I was going to see and they decided that I was going to go in another room and see Charro. I felt like I was being tossed around. Charro and I walked in and my next door neighbor was in the room doing a jigsaw puzzle. I was hoping he would leave. I was really annoyed at this point because I'd missed out on 20 minutes of my sesh already and because we weren't alone. I think I woke up at that point.

Charro will love this dream because it's the same theme I always have. It makes sense why I had it, since Charro is leaving next Friday.

2012-02-08T20:47:00.001-05:00

2 more WIFs left

2012-02-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

I really want to weigh myself. I haven't weighed myself in over a week and I need to know what I weigh. I told Charro that I wouldn't weigh myself until Friday. Well, actually she said, "Don't weigh yourself until WIF." I agreed, even though she didn't mean for me to weigh myself on WIF, she didn't say that I couldn't weigh myself. I'll weigh myself before I leave to get weighed by her. But, if I'm going to weigh myself on Friday anyway, why can't I just weigh myself tomorrow? What's the difference?

Here's the deal, and I might have said this before, but it doesn't matter if I don't weigh what she wants me to, or if I've lost weight on her scale, because she can't fire me. She'll be gone for a few months so she can't fire me. :) I won't layer up as much as usual to make weight since I don't fear getting fired over the next week.

I am going to tell Charro that I think Stephanie weighing me is a bad idea (not that she's going to) because I'll want to weigh less if she weighs me. It's true, and if I tell Charro that then she won't want Steph weighing me, so it will all work out. I really don't think she would weigh me anyway.

Back to the chill

2012-02-08T09:35:00.001-05:00

I'm back in the cold northeast. My cats are thrilled to have me back. I went to see Charro this morning. Four more sesh's and two more WIFs before she leaves. She wants me to not weigh myself for Lent. I told her that I'm not Catholic, which she knows, and therefore I don't do Lent. She told me to do it anyway. Prodestants don't celebrate Lent.

The weather while I was in Florida was lousy. I didn't really get tan. It was still warm and smelled good though. We had three inches of rain in one day and then we got a ton more. My foot was feeling better in flip flops and bare feet, as soon as I boot my boot on this morning, it hurt. This is a problem. I have to wear heels on Friday night for an event and I'm not sure how that's going to work out for me.

I am exhausted right now and I'm not sure why. I have to go to the gym later. I have to unpack and clean my very dusty apartment. I need to get back into the work swing of things too. That's about it. I have no food here either so I have to figure that out.

On another note, Today is the 4th year anniversary of Polly's death. I can't believe it's been 4 years already. I miss that crazy girl.

Seriously, enough rain and clouds

2012-02-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

It rained, poured, the entire day today. Never in my 34 years of coming to Florida has it ever rained for an entire day. They said we got over 3 inches of rain today. It's supposed to rain tomorrow too, my last day. If the sun is not out from 9-3 PM, I will lose my mind. I NEED SUN!!! I saw the moon tonight. The clouds and the rain go away from about 10 PM-6 AM and then they come back. That's not how it's supposed to be.

I don't want to go back to the gym, I like my beach workouts. I promised Charro that I would not weigh myself when I got home. I told her that I would not weigh myself until Friday. I will weigh myself before WIF. It's our second to last WIF. She said, "Maybe Stephanie will weigh you." I said, "No, she won't." She said, "How do you know?" I said, "Because she won't." She better not weigh me. I don't think she will.

So, I'm sad to be going home, but happy to see my cats.

Finally some sun

2012-02-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

The sun came out. I went to the beach. I got burnt! :) Not too bad though. The water was beautiful and fun to play in. I flashed a toddler. I had the best beach do ever. Don't ya just love beach hair?? Let's hope the sun comes out tomorrow, it's supposed to rain all day again. It's really cloudy now. Let's hope that my burn turns to tan over night in case the sun comes out tomorrow.

I am stressing about my phone sesh with Charro tomorrow because I'm not sure how I'm going to get away from my parents to do it. They wanted to go to lunch but my PS is at 1. Maybe I should just cancel it but I'd feel bad canceling now. I don't know what to do.

2012-02-05T08:36:00.000-05:00

It's raining...again...and tomorrow too. I am going to go jump off one of the many bridges in this area and hope that an alligator or sharks chews me to pieces because the sun is not out. I will go back home pasty white...a problem for me. Not good at all. How is it possible that it's been cloudy and rainy here this whole time?? I'm going to die. I don't even feel like going running on the beach. It's raining, maybe that's why. I don't feel like working out today. I just want the sun to come out and it's not going to. So, I will complain about it on here until the sun comes out because I'm allowed to. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Blog annoyances

2012-02-04T07:24:00.000-05:00

There's this blog I like to read, but as horrible as this may sound, the commentors annoy me. There's an easy resolution to that problem, just don't read the comments, right? Well, that's what I do. I know everyone has the right to say whatever they want, but here's my problem with the comments, I feel like the people go off on unrelated tangents about their own stuff on this other blog. I guess that's fine, but I feel like if they want to say as much as they're saying, and they're commenting a lot, that they should have their own blogs and use them as their space to vent. I don't really know why it bothers me, but it does. Obviously, like I said, I just don't read the comments and just the post itself, so it's fine.

FYI, if you comment on my blog and go off on a tangent, I don't care. :)

Clouds and more clouds

2012-02-04T07:08:00.000-05:00

It's cloudy here again today, which poses a huge problem for me. Grr. It's supposed to be like this the entire time I'm here, and getting worse as the days go one. More rain, less sun = no tan. :( That also equals a mental breakdown.

I had a phone sesh with Charro yesterday. We were talking about "I don't knows" and I told her how my gymnastics teacher use to make us pay her a quarter if we said, "I can't," so she said that she should make me give her a penny everytime I say "I don't know." I told her that I don't carry change in my wallet because it weighs me down. Then I said, "I know you think I stick all my change in my wallet and stick it in my pocket for WIF, but I don't." She said, "I've had my suspicions." I thought that was funny.

Ugh, the sun needs to come out. I need to go the beach and get my workout on!

Wasted wake up

2012-02-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

I woke up early this morning to go watch the sunrise on the beach. Well, I pulled out of the garage and noticed it was drizzling. I was wondering why it was so dark out still, and that was the reason. I drove there anyway hoping that maybe it was just raining where I was, but that wasn't the case. I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

My run on the beach was great yesterday morning, minus the two huge blisters I got on both of my big toes. That should make today's beach excursion interesting. I guess I'll find out how that works out in an hour.

Friends came to visit me yesterday and we hung out by the pool all day.

I rollerbladed along the ocean. My foot and my hip hurt a bit from running, but whatever. My blisters are my big issue now.

Today, beach, pool, beach. :) Weather is perfect!!

I'm here

2012-01-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

I'm here. I only spent 3 hours out by the pool today, actually 3.5, but it was later in the day and I didn't really get much color. That will change. Charro wants me to lay off the sun, and I know I should but I can't.

My parents picked me up from the airport and we stopped at the store. We were walking and my dad goes, "How come your pants are so droopy?" I replied by saying, "It's because I have my phone in my back pocket. It's dragging them down." I don't think he bought it, but that's how I bought my jeans.

Tomorrow I will run on the beach and rollerblade. Hopefully my foot won't kill afterwards. We shall see.

I can't wait to go to bed. I didn't sleep well last night and had to get up really early this morning. Time to catch up on my zzzzz.

Cat in the suitcase

2012-01-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

I'm done with Charro for a week, which is sad because when I get back we only have 5 sesh's left before she leaves for a few months. I know now that she's going on vacation for a week in May, maybe longer, to some place in the Caribbean. I said, "Oh great, so you come back and then you leave again. That's not cool." She won't be going any where this summer, so I guess it's okay. ;)

I'm tired. I need to pack. I just got my suitcase out and I dread packing. I just don't want to do it. Tomorrow at this time I'll be poolside. :) I just wish I didn't have to pack, wake up early to get to the airport and pay for a cab. I guess it's all good though, since I'll be basking in the sun for a week.

I told Charro that my foot will either heal or end up worse during this next week, depending upon what running barefoot in the sand does to it. She's encouraging me to talk to my parents about stuff, but I don't want to. I can't. There's nothing to say really.

I hate leaving my cats. I hope they don't miss me too much and fare okay without me. Gave the little guy his IV yesterday, all 200ml, so he should be good to go for two weeks. I guess I should start packing. Oh wait, there is a cat in my suitcase!

Stuff(ed)

2012-01-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

I've done nothing but eat this whole weekend and I want to vomit. It doesn't help that I'll be in a bikini on Tuesday. That's not going to be pretty. I would love to run tomorrow but I don't think I can do that with my foot. I guess I can just do the elliptical since I'll be running pretty much everyday on the beach. I'm not sure if that's going to help or hurt my foot. My hip, that's another story. It is what it is and at least I know what's wrong with it, so I don't really care about that too much. It bothers me and I deal with it.

Seriously, I feel so disgusting right now. My friends and I had a "soup party" today. Only three of us made soups but there was a lot of food and I'm stuffed. The thought of puking doesn't really sound bad to me at all right now, but since I guess I'm not bulimic, I won't do that. It does seem very appealing and would make me feel better...and probably worse. I think the reason why I've never become bulimic is because I know if I threw up just one time I'd be completely screwed because I'd never stop and then I would have a serious ED. That would NOT be good at all and that is not what I want. So, it's a good thing I just "restrict" and am "exercise bulimic."

I should play with my cats. I feel horrible that I'm leaving them for so long. :( It makes me really sad.

I need to clean, shower, pack. My arms are shaky from carrying a pot of soup 2 miles. If I think about the crap I ate I'll go insane so I have to try and not do that and try and be skinny for my trip. Lots to chat about with Charro tomorrow. Only 2 more weeks with her. :)

Stupid foot pain

2012-01-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm icing my foot before heading upstairs to a one year olds birthday party, which I will stay at for approximately 37 minutes. I woke up at 6:30 AM to go babysit, went to the gym, the store, got home, showered and have to leave here in a few minutes, come back and make soup for a party and then I'm going out tonight to dinner and a show. Busy day for me.

My foot is killing me. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say it's a 6. I guess that doesn't mean that it's "killing me," but it hurts a lot when I walk. My friend who I'm seeing tonight is a PT so I will ask her to check it out for me. I was reading up a little on tendinitis and it says to stop all activities, which I knew, but I can't do that. It also says that if it's bad enough they'll put you in a boot cast for 6 weeks. NO way. I'm still pretty sure that I'm going to need hip surgery at some point, even though the doctor does not recommend it right now. I've been taking Ibuprofen for almost two months now and the pain did cease a little but yesterday it was back in full force. It burns all the time, which might be more uncomfortable than having pain.

I hope my foot gets better while I'm away. I'll be running barefoot on the beach, which I'm not sure will be helpful or more harmful.

I really need a nap. The party starts in 1 minute but I'll go up in 10 or so. I get antsy sitting around so I'll head up soon. I won't know anyone and don't want to go, but I have to stop in. I'll come home and take a nap and make soup before I have to go out. I'm getting picked up in 3 1/2 hours. That's enough time to get everything done.

I had tendinitis in my foot in college, which is why I think this is the same thing. Same foot and it feels like the same area. I don't remember the treatment, other than sticking it in an ice bath, which I HATED! I think I have to make the alphabet with my foot too. I'll ask tonight. I don't want to have to stop doing things. That would suck, especially since I'd go crazy because it's right about when Charro is leaving.

I guess I should get ready to go upstairs.

I feel fat today, which is great. I love that feeling.

Ortho nightmare

2012-01-27T22:41:00.000-05:00

My body is like an orthopedic nightmare for me, but probably an orthopedics's dream. Let's see, my right hip hurts, but that's to be expected because of the tear I have in there. My left foot has been hurting for two weeks now. I've diagnosed myself as having tendinitis. I was going to ask the lady I babysit for (she's a doctor) to look at it for me tonight, but she didn't seem to be in the mood so I didn't. Maybe tomorrow I'll have her look to see if it's swollen. It hurts a lot, which I cannot have. I guess running 6 miles didn't help either of my issues.

I need to go to bed. I have to get up early and babysit again. I need the money so it's good.

Chaos

2012-01-27T11:15:00.000-05:00

Poor Charro is having a rough day. I got to my sesh and checked my phone and there were two emails from her. One said she'd be 10 minutes late, the next one said that the traffic was really bad and she'd be 20-30 minutes late and asked me if I still wanted to come. I was thinking, "still want to come?...I'm already here." So, she finally got there and we were going to fit in our full time when her office phone rang. They asked her to run a group at 10 so that cut us 15 minutes short. I thought it was weird that she drove to work, but she said she can't walk because she "sprained" her leg. (She pulled a muscle in her quad, is how I interpreted that). She's so not athletic, it's funny. Okay, I don't know about you, but I think people can usually walk with a pulled muscle. Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's going to have a baby in a month, who knows. I thought that was odd, but whatevs. So then, someone knocked on the door. It was like the most chaotic sesh ever.

There was one bright note, she forgot to weigh me. No WIF. Well, I said, as I was putting my boots on, "I guess we'll just have to wait to do WIF until I get back from Florida." She said, "No, we'll do it now." I said, "But I have my boots on." She said, "I'll take them off." I said, "You'll take off 7 pounds?" She laughed. So really, she has no idea what I weigh because she doesn't know what to subtract. I weighed like 5-6 lbs more on her scale than I do in real like, with all of that crap on. She doesn't know that.

Hitting the treadmill later for a 6 mile run. We'll see how my foot and hip feel after that.

WIFFING it up

2012-01-26T10:22:00.000-05:00

It's "cleaning Thursday." I also have to do some work too. I have some reading materials to go through, which I'm sure will be absolutely mesmerizing. I get to read about financial investments, I think. Doozy.

I'm not looking forward to WIF tomorrow. Oh how I hate WIF. I guess I should just suck it up and live through the three more WIFs I'm going to have over the next month. Hmm, let's face it, Charro can't fire me because she's going on maternity leave. I guess I shouldn't worry too much if I've lost a little weight or am not where she wants me to be because, like I said, she can't fire me because she'll be gone. Maybe that takes a little pressure off of me.

I can't wait to take pictures with my new camera next week. I'll have to take the instruction manual on the plane so I know what the heck each setting does, because right now I'm just playing with them all. I want to take cool pics.

I guess I should get my vacuuming over with. That takes all of 24 seconds.

I wonder what kind of nutty things Charro will do tomorrow.

Visiting

2012-01-25T21:15:00.000-05:00

I went to go visit the man at my college who's dying. It was great to see him and I got the big bear hugs that he's so good at giving. He told me to check in on him from time to time and I promised that I would. He said to me, "You know what you realize..." and he paused and I said, "How many people love you!" He said, "Yes. I know I'm a nice guy and that people like me, but I never knew how many people." I love this man.

I got a parking ticket while I was there for "Not stopping at the gatekeeper." Really? I'm fighting that crap.

I don't want to get weighed on Friday. I ony have to make it through three more weigh-ins before Charro leaves. I guess that isn't too bad. I won't have to deal with it for a while, which will be good. I don't know what will happen. I won't lose weight, but I won't gain it and if I do, I'll freak out and then lose it. Too bad I can't just get on with my life.

I got an email from Steph and she said she's looking forward to seeing me. She's said that a few times, which is really nice. I guess she likes me.

Ugh, WIF.

That was a funny sesh

2012-01-24T17:45:00.001-05:00

If you read this blog, you probably think that Charro and I aren't ever serious, but we are. We just have moments of not so serious moments. Today, she was off her rocker again. I think it has something to do with the fact that she's 8 months pregnant. So, she's been playing with her hair A LOT lately, she even admitted to that yesterday. Well today she got it all knotted up again, grabbed her scissors, and chopped the piece off again. This is hysterical to me. I guess she does this a lot because this is the second time I've seen her do it in the past month. It cracks me up.

The pants I am wearing are a bit big on me. I was sitting down and they made me look like I had a peenie. So, I go "What!" and poked my pants down. Charro goes, "What as if you developed a male organ all of a sudden?" I almost died. I couldn't believe she said that. Then, she brought up my friend "TT" and she goes, "Which by the way, what's her name? I mean, would you want to be known as TT? It sounds like two little tits or something." I nearly lost it. I started laughing but didn't want to laugh too hard, and she started laughing too. I can't believe Charro said, "Two little tits." Seriously, she's losing it and I was about to pee my pants.

We were talking about distortions and what people see. She said that a lot of people have been telling her that she's "glowing." She goes, "I'm not glowing. I use a bottle of concealer every day and I'm tired as hell. I'm not glowing." I thought that was funny.

Apparently we're having WIF again on Friday, since I'll be away next week. Yesterday she said we would do it on the 10th and the 17th because the 17th is her last day. Now we're doing it the next three Fridays that I see her. What is that about?? Ugh, WIF. I hate WIF because I don't weigh enough for WIF but I make myself weigh enough for WIF.

Charro and I actually do get a lot of serious talking and things done while I'm in there, I just like to talk about the funny things. Oh yeah, she wants me to not weigh myself during her maternity leave. She said, "From February 17th on you will not weigh yourself for two months." I said, "That's not going to happen."

I forgot that I said to Charro, "Do people just want to come up and poke your stomach?" She goes, "God, I hope not. Why is it so pokable?" I can't believe I said that to her. I really just wanted to poke it with my finger. I do that with bread. I had to poke bread when I see it at the store.

Apparently "exercise is a big part of my obsessive process and it has to be highlighted as something I have to stop." That, according to Charro who says that my walking is also very compulsive.

Versitile Blogger Award

2012-01-24T16:57:00.000-05:00

I've been award the Versitile Blogger Award by TERE. So, I have to list 7 things about me...let's see...

1. I've never done any drugs, smoked anything or had a drink.
2. I've never gone fake tanning.
3. I don't care for heights.
4. I'm not much of a dare devil.
5. I have a master's degree
6. I had a brussel sprout for the first time last week.
7. I'm a 2 time All-American athlete.

That's all I've got folks.

Words left unspoken

2012-01-23T17:53:00.000-05:00

It's not often that we tell the people we love how much they really mean to us. I've been trying to do that with my parents, tell them how much I love them and how much I appreciate them and how great I think they are. I tell them I love them everyday, but I don't tell them how important they are and how much they mean to me. You never know when life will end and I don't want to have those words left unspoken.

I recently found out that one of the coaches I socialized with a lot while I was in college has some rare disease and has 6 months to a year to live. He's one of the nicest men. I probably haven't seen him in a year or so but when I do see him, I get the best bear hug from him. I just sent him an email to let him know what a great man he is. It's not often people get to hear the nice things people have to say about them. They often go left unsaid until a funeral, and I didn't want that to happen. I'm sure he's getting a lot of these types of things said to him as of late. He deserves to hear every single one of the kind words that people have to say about him.

I can't imagine what it's like to know that you only have a certain number of days left to live. Sometimes I wish I lived like that was the case. We should all do that, but we don't. Life gets ahead of us and we forget that we're only here for a short time. It's sad. As Tim McGraw says, "Live Like You Were Dying."

Football...yuck!

2012-01-23T08:26:00.000-05:00

I think I might be the only person in NY who could care less about football. I'm so happy that I will not be here for the Superbowl. I would rather (you name it) than watch football. Why does it take 4 hours to play? I'll be in Florida, a much better place to be.

It's warmer and rainy here. I'm hoping that it's not raining when it's time for me to walk to Charros. It's not supposed to start raining hard until later in the day. If that's the case, and I can't walk, I need to spend more time at the gym. My game plan is to run for a while, but we'll see how that goes. I'm sure my foot is going to start hurting as soon as I put my sneaker on. Oh well. I'll ice it when I get home. My hip, well, that just is what it is.

I think I have lots to talk about with Charro today, we'll see what happens. This post was more boring than usual.

Cookie cake

2012-01-22T15:26:00.002-05:00

I just made THESE. At the moment, I don't even want to eat any of them when they're done baking. Usually I crave what I bake, but not this time. I haven't baked since Christmas, and I did a ton of it then and was so sick of the smell of chocolate that I didn't want anything I made then either. Maybe I'll never want anything I bake anymore, that would be nice. I actually kind of freaked out a little when I read how much flour was in these things. I used a lower fat butter, so I'm sure they'll be funny tasting, and fat free cream cheese. Also, I didn't have dark brown sugar so I used light. I wonder if that makes a big difference.

I just took them out of the oven and the pan weighs about 14 pounds. I think chocolate chip cookies would have been better. Oh well. We'll see. I hope they're done. I feel like I gained 20 pounds just looking at them. I'm going to my friend's in a bit. I'll bring some too her but they have to cool down.

FAILED!! Mine do NOT look like what that woman's look like. Mine looks like a big, fat, dry cookie cake without gooey chips. GRRR!! So not pleased about this.

2012-01-22T08:58:00.000-05:00

Why do Sundays have to be so bitter cold out? It's 11 degrees, 8 degrees warmer than it was last Sunday, and I have to go outside in an hour. Boo. (That's "boo" as in "boo hoo" not scary "boo.") I don't think I have to leave my apartment for the rest of the day after that.

I made a large amount of minestrone soup yesterday. I'll be eating soup for the week. Soups healthy so that's good.

I am all set to start seeing Steph on Feb. 23. I responded to the email she sent me and asked her if I could tape our sesh's, like I do with Charro. I'm sure she's going to think that that's completely nuts and probably say no, but I think I explained pretty well why I think it's important. I'll probably hear back from her tomorrow.

I kind of want to weigh myself. I feel like maybe I've been wanting to weigh myself more than usual, but I don't know if that's accurate or not. I might try not to weigh myself at all while Charro's on maternity leave, but let's be realistic, is that really going to happen?? Maybe I'll talk to her about that tomorrow. I want to tell her that I weigh myself now, even though she weighs me, so I can make sure that I'm keeping my weight up so I weigh enough when she weighs me. Today I'll try writing down things I want to talk to her about tomorrow. We'll see if that happens.

One of my cats puked last night, the problem...I can't find it anywhere. I know it was on the hardwood because I heard it hit the floor, but I don't see it anywhere. It's not like I have a lot of places to look, I live in a studio!

I MUST do laundry today!!! Ugh, that means I have to put money on my card. That's annoying.

I want to go on a cruise...or to a nice island. I just saw a commercial for the Bahamas and it looks nice!

Nips

2012-01-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

"Nips" was next to me at the gym today. Let me explain. There is this woman who wears just a sports bra that is about as thick as a one ply piece of toilet paper. It's nasty. She wears it every Saturday. All you see are nipples protruding about 2 miles and it's not something I want to see. She was across from me last Saturday, which I thought would be worse than having her next to me, because at least when she's next to me I don't have to see her nips. Well, she smells too...like dirty, nasty socks. I think she's anorexic too. She's really thin but her stomach protrudes out like she's pregnant, but unless she's been pregnant for over a year, I think it's just distended. That's not important here. What's important is that she smells and her nipples are sticking out 5 miles and it makes me want to vomit!!

Now that I'm done trashing "Nips," I'll talk about me. My foot hurts. It's been hurting ever since I ran last Saturday. I thought I just tied my new sneakers too tight, but I don't think it would still be hurting if that was the case. I had 3 days of numb toes too, but at least that ended. Anyway, I'm thinking it's tendinitis. I ran again yesterday and today it hurts more. I'm icing it. It doesn't look swollen to me, so that's good, I guess. Maybe it's my new sneakers?? I don't know. It seems like a coincidence that it started hurting the day I wore my new sneakers. Of course I still keep running and working out. Why? Because I'm clearly "compulsive," as Charro would say. Actually, her new thing is to tell me that I have exercise bulimia. I don't really believe that that's the case because I'm not psychotic with my working out.

I'm going to make minestrone soup today. I was supposed to go rock climbing but I don't think we're going to trek to Brooklyn to do that. I'm okay with that, although I was looking forward to giving it a shot and getting a good workout. I've done it once, a long time ago, with my my ex. If we don't go, I really need to clean my apartment, after I make my soup.

I'm hungry. I'm going to eat something.

What is Charro reading?

2012-01-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

My mind or my blog?? She remembered to weigh me today, which hasn't been done since December. I weighed 103, which is exactly where she wants me to stay (well, she would like me to weigh more), but I did have a lot on. She said, "You know what you need to do, keep going." I said, in what I realized was a somewhat snippy tone so I apologized for that, "I'm right where you want me to be." She basically said that it's up to me to do what I want. I can stay here or gain weight. I saw the number and didn't think about how she would subtract a pound off of there, if not more, so in her mind, I'm not where she wants me to be.

Anyway, she went on to say all of the stuff that I've been thinking over the past two days. How I need to decide if I want to live this way or not. That I need to not pretend I'm in treatment when I'm not. All of these thoughts have been going through my head and I think I wrote about them a little yesterday. So, I don't know if she's reading my mind of my blog. I have to remember all of this stuff on Monday so I can talk to her about it. I'm not going to tell her that I don't weigh what she thinks I weigh, however, if she's reading this, which I doubt that she is, she'll know.

It's hard because I don't know what I want. I want to stay at this weight. I think I'm perfectly fine living this way, that it doesn't bother me, and then I have a freakout. I haven't really freaked out about my body since Thanksgiving, so that's a while ago. Clearly they are much less frequent than they use to be. I'm less obsessive, but still a little obsessive. Maybe I should take some time this weekend to write a bunch of things out for Charro so I can bring them to her on Monday.

She told me her last day will be Feb. 17. :( So I have a week and a half with her when I get back from vacation before she leaves. It's going to be a long 4 months.

Faking it?

2012-01-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

I have two long walks ahead of me today and it's really cold out. I wouldn't mind the walks if it wasn't 21 degrees out there. I mean, I could take the bus or subway, but it's not worth it just to go 25 blocks. It will take less than 30 minutes to walk there and back, so it's not that far.

My hip has been feeling better, minus the fact that it feels like I've poured IcyHot all over the inside of my hip flexor. Right now, it just feels like I need to get up and stretch it so far because it's really uncomfortable. It hasn't been hurting so much when I walk over the past week. Maybe that Advil everyday is working. I just have discomfort.

I can't wait until the end of my sesh tomorrow to see if Charro weighs me. If she doesn't, I'll ask her if we're no longer doing WIF anymore. I'll wait until Monday to ask her though, that weigh she can't weigh me until Tuesday or Friday. I should weigh myself now to see where I stand.

I weighed myself the other day and I wasn't anywhere near where Charro thinks I am. I had gained about 2 pounds for a while there, but now I'm back down. Well, at least I was back down the other day, I could be back up today because we all know, as Charro says, "we fluctuate." Maybe I should just stop thinking so much about it and let it just be what it is. I have to figure it all out, because right now I'm just in the same place I was in a year ago, I think. I don't know. Well, I'm not weighing myself all the time, but I think my weight is pretty much the same and I sort of feel like I'm lying to Charro about it and I'm not really doing this whole process, but kind of faking it. I don't know. I don't think that's something I can talk to her about because then I'll have to make a decision and I don't want to do that. I don't want to decide to go balls to the wall and eat the way I should and gain weight, I want to stay at this weight but be able to not be obsessive and freak out less, which I have accomplished somewhat. I don't think I'm making any sense so I'm done writing. I'm going to stretch my hip, even though I'm not supposed to really stretch it too much.

Nice comments

2012-01-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

I was talking to one of my co-workers today and she told me that her cousin died. I asked if she was sick and she said, "She was anorexic. She was 6 feet tall and weighed about 80 pounds." I said, "Oh, that's horrible." She went onto say that she died from an infection, but believe that her body was probably just too weak to fight it off. How sad. She has no idea that I had an ED.

Then I went to the grocery store. I parked my car and then noticed there was a man in the passenger seat in the car next to me. I was in between the lines but if he wanted to get out, he wouldn't have had too much room, so I re-parked. I got out of the car and he rolled down his window and said, "I could have gotten out. I would have climbed through the sunroof because you are so beautiful." I said, "What," to see if I had just heard what I thought I had and he repeated, "You're so beautiful." Well, that was very nice. I smiled at him and said, "Thank you very much." I thought that was very nice oh him and it made me happy. I might not necessarily agree with him, but it was very nice to hear.

No surprise WIT

2012-01-17T20:10:00.000-05:00

Charro didn't weigh me today, I didn't think she would, but I was ready for it anyway. I wonder if she will remember that she hasn't weighed me in 3 weeks and that we should have WIF this Friday since she forgot last Friday. Again, I'm not going to remind her. If she doesn't remember to weigh me then it's obviously not that important. I don't want to get on that scale so I'm happy with her forgetting. I really don't know if she'll forget again though. Maybe she's just not going to weigh me anymore, that would be nice.

Today she warned me that we might have a fire drill while I was there. I told her I'd hide under the desk. She said they're stupid because we don't leave the building, but everyone congregates in the lobby. What's the point of that. So, they came on and made an announcement but I don't think it was the floor we were on so we just stayed there. She decided we weren't going to leave anyone, but said that sometimes people knock on the door to get you. That would have been mortifying for me to walk out of the psych dept. and stand there with all of these people and other therapists, one who I know from my friend who use to work there. I'd been to that girls house. I don't know if she'd remember me, but still. It didn't happen though.

I told Charro was I annoyed with her yesterday because I felt like she wasn't hearing what I was saying. I said, "I was trying to tell you how I was feeling and you were kind of brushing it off." She was happy I told her that. It ended up being a good sesh. She thinks it might be a good idea for me to keep a food log while she's gone but it won't really do anything if no one is looking at it. Ya know? I'm not going to make Steph look at it. She thinks by having me write down what I'm eating I'll be able to hold myself more accountable and see what I need, or something. I don't think so though.

So, that was that. Maybe WIF on Friday.

2012-01-17T08:17:00.000-05:00

Let's hope that Charro does not surprise me with a weigh-in today because I will get a lashing. I'll be screwed. I'm wearing the jeans that she refuses to weigh me in, hoping that will deter any thoughts of her sticking me on that scale. Blah. I don't even want to go to my sesh this morning, not because of my weight but because I haven't felt like going since I left her yesterday. I guess I should get ready to go though.

Sort of online

2012-01-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I went to Best Buy 3 times today. I nearly passed out the third time because it was SO BOILING HOT in there. My back was literally wet with sweat. Anyway, I got a cord for my computer, at a mere $65. I feel like I should have just bought a new computer. The cord works for power, but it not charging my battery. I should have just spend another 400 dollars and bought a new computer.

I left my sesh with Charro kind of in a bad mood. I voiced my concern about my fear of "screwing up" while she's on maternity leave and of course she gave me the "it's your choice" line again. I'm sick of hearing that. Sometimes you're not really aware of the choices your making until it's too late. I told her that she's going to be mad at me if I screw up, when she gets back. I'm trying to tell her how I feel but I don't feel like it's going so well.

I sort of feel like she realized that we didn't have WIF on Friday, but she didn't say anything to me. Hmm, I have a feeling she's waiting for me to say something to her, but I'm not going to. I don't like these games that I think she's (and I'm) playing, but I could be making it all up in my head and she maybe has no clue that she forgot WIF. I guess we'll know on Friday.

She also told me that maybe I should write a different blog, like one focused on all positive things and recovery related. I'm not into that. I need to get out of my head the things that are in there, so that's what this is for. It's weird that she mentioned my blog. I know she doesn't know the link so I know she doesn't read it, but sometimes I wonder if she does. I know she doesn't read it though because she has a life and is busy and has much better things to do than to read my boring blog.

crapped out

2012-01-15T21:15:00.000-05:00

my power cord died. no computer for me. the end.

Frozen eyes

2012-01-15T14:05:00.002-05:00

My eyes froze and I still want to weigh myself. I almost did, but I didn't. It's only 2 PM though. The day is young...and still freezing.

Didn't think I'd be leaving my apartment again today, but now I'm going to go babysit. I can't pass up much needed cash. More frozen eyes to come.

15, 4

2012-01-15T09:01:00.000-05:00

It's 15 degrees out, but it "feels like" 4. Woo hoo. I can't wait to go outside in an hour and walk a mile. That's going to be fun. I will have my 2 million layers on. I actually scare small children in the elevator because I look like a, well, I'm not sure what I look like, maybe like a mean robber or something. I think the only part of my body that is exposed is my nose and part of my cheeks.

I really want to weigh myself but I'm not going to. Not to say that it might not happen at some point today, but not right now, which is when I should weigh myself if I'm going to weigh myself because I haven't eaten yet. I'm not going to. I'm going to eat my breakfast and get dressed so I can go teach my class. I will do nothing else the rest of the day. Well, nothing that requires me going outside again. Maybe I'll try and get rid of some stuff in my apartment. A nice little apartment/clothing purge.

Yay for leftovers

2012-01-14T18:12:00.001-05:00

I made it through my run. :) You see, Saturday mornings at my gym are a disaster if you don't get there before 9 AM. I got there at 9 AM and hopped on the treadmill. There is a 30 minute rule when people are waiting for a machine, and by 9:30 AM lines start forming, so I ran 3 miles and then restarted my treadmill. I did that just in time because the lines started forming and people come around and check your machines to see how much time you have left. I put a towel over my time so I don't stare at it the whole time and people will ask you to remove your towel. Anyway, I reset my treadmill and ran another 3 miles, which was good for me mentally too. It seems faster to run from 0-3 miles than it does to run from 3-6 miles. I got to mile two (the first time) and didn't think I was going to make it to 6, but by the time I reset the treadmill I was ready to do all 6. Good thing I did too because I went out for lunch. It was a late lunch, so I don't need to eat dinner. It counted as two meals.

I am dreading walking the mile to the gym I teach at tomorrow because it's going to be so freezing. I am not leaving my apartment when I get back. Maybe I'll do something productive. I don't have to cook anything because my leftovers will last me for three meals. I didn't really even eat my meal because my friend and I shared another meal as an appetizer because I had a $50 gift certificate to use. So, I have that and my meal to eat. That's a lot of food. Yay for not having to cook. Not yay for feeling fat and gross. I want to weigh myself but I won't.

Please...

2012-01-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

Let the gym be free of a million people so I can hop right on a treadmill and not have to wait for a machine. Please let it be the treadmill I like and please make running for 60 minutes easy, and possible somewhat enjoyable. At least I will have new sneakers on which might make it somewhat enjoyable. As Nike says, "Just do it!."

I'm still so thrilled that Charro forgot to weigh me yesterday. I wonder if she'll bring that up on Monday. I wonder if she remembered. I wonder if she was testing to see if I would remind her, but I don't think so because she doesn't play games like that.

I guess I should eat my "sticks" now, as Charro calls them so I can hit that treadmill.

Because I forgot stuff

2012-01-13T12:28:00.000-05:00

I know I just wrote a post about an hour ago, but I have other stuff to say now. When I was with Charro this morning I commented about how I'd see new people because I'm changing from Wed. to Tuesday for the next month before she goes on maternity leave. She said, "No, it's pretty quiet. You see the psychiatrist (pause), the people going to the psychiatrist." I thought she was going to send me to the psychiatrist. When she said, "You see the psychiatrist" my eyes bugged out. I was like "What!!?" Thankfully she did not mean that.

I was planning on running today, but I don't think my body can do it. It's tired. I don't think my legs would last very long. I feel like I should go, but I sort of know it would be pointless at the same time. I didn't work out on Wednesday, but I did walk about 3 miles with my backpack and another bag, so that was sort of something...maybe?? I don't know. I'm just tired.

Hopes happen

2012-01-13T10:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I hoped that Charro would forget to weigh me and she did. :) This time, I did not remind her. I'm sure she's going to remember and surprise weigh me next week when I see her, or say something to me on Monday. I don't need to remind her. She's the one who wants to weigh me so she can remember. She is very pregnant so maybe that's why she forgot. Or, maybe she can't remember this every other Friday business. Whatever it was, I escaped. :)

Charro agrees that I am talking more, which is good. She keeps telling me that I need to be open with Stephanie and talk to her and not just "shoot the shit." I won't just shoot this shit because Steph will not allow that to happen anyway.

I've got my shirt on...the shirt that I always wear when I'm sitting in my apartment...it's brown and black and white, has a pinkish-orange nose and green eyes, purrs and has 4 paws. :) Meow.

I need to call my office.

So I looked funny...

2012-01-12T17:05:00.001-05:00

Who cares??!! I sure didn't. I've been up since 4 AM and I'm a bit tired. My house phone rang so I JUMPED out of bed because there's always something wrong when the phone rings at that hour. Luckily nothing was wrong, but I wasn't able to fall back to sleep.

I spent my morning serving my civil duties. I was almost late to jury duty because I couldn't find where I was supposed to park. It was gross and rainy out. I got there and knew four people, which is bizarre. Out of 40 people, I knew 4 of them. Weird. Well, I sat and talked to one for a while and then I just couldn't sit anymore. I had a snack, read a little, walked around, stood around, then I decided to do some tricep push-ups on the heater ledge. I didn't care if people saw me and thought I was nuts. I could not sit still anymore. My body was getting tight. I stretched and did a little push-ups, what's wrong with that? Nothing. Luckily enough, they let us all go, well, the 20 of us who were left, at 12:30. Yay. Now I can work out!!!! :) They called 20 names and I heard my first name and my heart stopped, but they didn't say my last name. :) Yay!

So I made it back to NYC. I'm off to work out. My sesh with Charro tomorrow should be productive because I have lots to talk about. UGH, I just remembered that it's WIW. Again, maybe she will forget. I hope she does. I'll just make sure I keep talking a lot so she doesn't weigh me. Maybe that will work. We shall see.

To be continued

2012-01-11T18:21:00.002-05:00

Charro and I continued our discussion about choices today. She said she wants to continue it again on Friday. It's good because I'm talking, which is good. She said I did a "good job" today. Ha. I acknowledged that I spoke a lot. Maybe she'll forget that Friday is WIF. I have a feeling that she might and if she does, I will NOT remind her. Maybe she thinks we did it last week. Maybe she'll just forget all together. I'm hoping that's the case, I really am. I'll probably weigh myself in the morning on my scale her at my house. It's about 2 pounds less than my scale in my apartment. I think this one is actually the accurate one, which makes me happy.

I'm sleepy. I can't wait to go to bed early tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow to serve my civil duties. That should be a blast. Ugh. I hope I'm not there all day. I'm going to be bored out of my mind. Guess I should bring a book since there's not wifi. What is that about?

I'm doing laundry now. I have to get all my stuff together for tomorrow and then I have to listen to my sesh and watch Chelsea Handler's new show. That's the agenda for tonight. Not too bad.

I like when Charro shares little stories with me. I wonder if she does that with her other people. Hmmm???

Oh yeah, Charro asked me what I ate yesterday. Of course she had to ask me that question when I didn't really eat dinner last night. I thought about making something up, but I didn't. She yelled at me for "grazing."

In recovery

2012-01-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm "in recovery." Charro keeps saying this to me, and I have to say, it catches me by surprise each time. The first time she said it, I thought she might have made a mistake, but then she said it again. Weird. So, that's cool. I'm "in recovery," aka, I don't have an ED anymore.

I need to get new sneakers. My foot is starting to hurt when I run and my other knee, which has had tendinitis issues in the past, is having them again. So, tomorrow I will hopefully get some new sneakers. Getting new sneakers always makes me want to run too, so let's hope that happens. I should get some new cross trainers too. Nah, no money for that right now. I have to order my medication and that's $2000. Woo hoo!

Choice vs Disease

2012-01-09T17:56:00.000-05:00

I had this discussion with Charro the other day, whether what I do (or anyone with an ED or whatever) is a choice or not a choice because I "have an illness." She is always telling me that I "have a choice." This discussion continued today because I was sort of talking about it again and then I said, "What if I had to have hip surgery and I couldn't work out and I freaked out because I couldn't work out and was afraid I was going to gain a million pounds and didn't eat." She said that that would be my choice. I still disagree with this. I tried to explain to her that sometime things get to the point where they are not our choice. She agreed with that. She told me how she had to commit people into the hospital before because they were so skeletal. She said one girl she worked with wouldn't even sit next to someone eating because she was afraid she was going to gain weight. She said, "At that point they don't have a choice because they're so malnourished that they can't make a decision for themselves." She said that I have been lucky enough to still be able to make choices and decisions for myself. I agreed that that is a good thing. The discussion was actually very good and left me with a lot to ponder, which I will do when I listen to our sesh later. I'd like to continue the discussion on Wednesday because I still and trying to figure it all out and she's helping me do that. I'll have to take notes when I listen.

In other news, I weighed myself this morning. I'm probably weighing myself a couple of times a week now, which still doesn't make Charro thrilled, but she agrees that it's much better than 50+ times a day. I have WIF on Friday. Woo hoo (not really).

I'm starting to remember all the stuff Charro and I talked about today. It was good stuff. I said, "Then I'm the only one to blame for being where I am now." She basically said yes, but that I was predisposed to get this. I knew that I was the one who got me here, but now it's really like I was the one who go me here, if that makes sense. Obviously no one else made me do it, but when you're starting out on a diet, you don't know it's going to turn out like this. So much to "explore."

My arms are falling off

2012-01-08T16:07:00.000-05:00

After I taught class today I went to the grocery store, two actually. I stopped at one not far from the gym and bought a 5 lb box of clementines and two yogurts, a new brand that I've never tried but it was on sale. I have to taste it before I buy more. Then I walked to another grocery store to get more yogurts, also on sale and grapefruits because they were on sale. So, I bought 6 grapefruits, 5 more yogurts and a carton of eggs and walked another 6 blocks. So, my arms are about to fall off. I walked a mile with the other stuff in my hands after lifting weights. My arms are so shot.

So my friend who I was with last night kept telling me that I am too skinny and need to gain weight. I always find that humorous because I don't believe that one bit. He's a guy so of course he would say that. No girl would ever tell another girl that unless they were emaciated. He told me I need to eat more. I haven't seen him in almost a year, but I've definitely gained weight since I saw him last.

Okay, my friend's on her way over. IV duty calls. I need some luck with this!

Do people care?

2012-01-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

I don't get the fascination with celebrities. Beyonce had her baby, not too far from me, and the news crews are out there reporting about it. What I want to know is, WHO CARES??!! Why does that story take the lead over Gabby Giffords? This is partly why I got out of the news business. Oh well.

I'm tired. I had to wake up really early this morning to work, but now I'm back and have to leave to go work out. My apartment smells like cat puke, but I haven't found any so I don't know what the deal is with that.

I feel and look fat. It's going to be hard for me to not try and lose weight while Charro's on maternity leave. Hmm, I don't know what I'll do about this. If I mention this to her, she'll tell me that it's my "choice," and I HATE when she says that, as I stated in a previous post. I guess I'll see what happens when she's gone. I really don't know what is going to happen. She said that she's going to call or email Steph before she leaves. I'll ask her if she's going to CC me on that email. I have a feeling that I already know the answer to that. Maybe I'll ask her for my notes before she goes. I haven't asked for those in a while. She loves that too. Ha.

Okay, I need to find my other glove that I could not find this morning. I hope I didn't lose it. One of my favorite lip glosses fell out of my pocket the other night. I was very saddened. I'm not over it. :(

2012-01-07T16:13:00.000-05:00

I'm waiting for my friend to get here. I haven't seen him in a while so we're going to go grab dinner. Food is really the last thing I want right now. I feel disgustingly fat so I don't really want to go to an Italian restaurant. I could just get soup, which I might do. I hate when I feel this way and I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I'm pmsing, which is weird since I am always like 10 days late and now I'm either going to early or on time, which is unacceptable because now that means I'll get it when I'm in Florida. Ugh! That is not the reason for me looking fatter though, my love handles are disgusting. BLAH!

I best get on with my life...or evening I guess.

Other nuts ;)

2012-01-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

I'm not the only nut, I woke up this morning and saw a guy on the roof across the way doing some strange running type exercise. I wanted to video him because he sort of looked like Phoebe from Friends while he ran. I got a good smile out of it. I do weird exercises in my building too.

It's unseasonably warm here today which means that I will go for a run in the park. Those are two of my favorite words, when put together, "unseasonably warm." It has such a lovely ring to it and it makes me happy. I hope it stays unseasonably warm for the next 5 months and then stays hot. That would be fantastic.

I shall go and enjoy my run in the park, even though we all know that running is not my favorite thing to do, but I'll soak it up today since it gets me out of the gym. In a few weeks I'll be running on the beach, which will be even more fantastic. There is nothing better than running on the beach barefoot while listening to the waves crash, seeing dolphins or manatees, if I'm lucky, dodging man-o-war, and picking up shells along my way. Woo hoo!!

I haven't been all that productive this morning, minus cleaning my bathtub and watching my brother on TV. I could take down my Christmas stuff, but I don't know so I won't. :) Now I'm watching a Taylor Swift video.

Burning...buildings and calories

2012-01-06T17:16:00.002-05:00

I went to the gym, but I feel like it was pointless because I didn't burn enough calories. What did burn, almost, was one of they dryers in my building. I turned the corner to see a bunch of fire trucks in front of my building. Well, they men were all in my building. Thankfully nothing burned in my apartment building. I'm not so thankful that I didn't burn a zillion calories.

This is my argument

2012-01-06T10:53:00.001-05:00

I had this argument with Charro this morning, well it wasn't an "argument" so much as a discussion. She always tells me that I "have a choice." This got me thinking, if I really have a choice, then I don't have an illness. I argued that you either have a choice or an illness. If it's a choice, it's not an illness. She disagreed with that, but I still stand by what I think. I told her that you don't really have a choice when it comes to certain things because it's like someone is holding a gun to your head, or that's what it feel like. I told her that at the beginning, when I started all of this, it was a choice. I decided that I wanted to lose weight and how I was going to about doing it, but then it became not a choice. Make sense?

Charro revealed her due date to me today. It's Feb. 25th. I told her she's going to have her on Feb. 21st and she's going to weigh 7 lbs 6 oz or 8 lbs 1 oz.

I am hungry but I can't eat right now because I just used my prescription toothpaste and have to wait 30 minutes. How annoying.

The other day Charro told me that I'm coming out of my denial. That was a good one. I thought she was going to surprise weigh me today since last Friday she forgot to weigh me and then I sort of reminded her so she weighed me and I had already put my boots on. No surprises though. I should know by now that she's not going to do that to me. I know her well enough to know that now.

I really, really do not feel like going to the gym today. I'm tired, my body is tired, but I feel like I should go. I didn't do anything on Wednesday, but walk the 1.5 miles to see Charro while carrying my backpack and another bag. I ran to catch the train to head home after that and went to the office and stuff. Wednesday is usually my day off from the gym because I'm traveling, so that was normal, but I also didn't do anything on New Years days, so that would make three days this week of not working out if I didn't go to the gym today. I don't think that's acceptable for me. Sure, it's fine if others do that, but it's not okay for me. I don't know what I'll do, maybe I'll get a huge burst of energy, but I don't know. I wish I could just not go and not feel bad about it.

There must be some contruction going on above me because I keep hearing banging.

Run fast!!!

2012-01-04T15:24:00.001-05:00

It is freezing out today. I ran into Charro on the street on my way to see her today. It's always a bit awkward. We walked together for a minute and then she said "you can go ahead." I said thank you. I guess she could tell that I wanted to walk faster. I went ahead and waited for her.

My sesh was fine. I'm all set with Steph when Charro leaves. I'm not really sure what is going to happen while she's gone but if I lose weight, she will not be happy. I just hope, and I've said this before, she doesn't have Steph weight me. I really don't think she will.

Okay, I'm done writing on my table, I need to finish this post on my computer...

Much better....So I went to the dentist for a tooth I'm having issues with. Well, I am having sensitivity to cold and hot. She said she didn't see anything. I said, "I can't wait until you spray that spot with the cold air...that will feel awesome!! Well, she didn't spray it with the cold air, instead she sprayed some stuff on a cotton swab and swabbed me. Let me tell you, that HURT LIKE NO OTHER! Not only did she do it once, but twice. AWESOME. I almost jumped out of the chair, and it was instant eye watering. The pain lasted for 45 minutes after that and she charged me 83 dollars for three minutes of her time. Fantastic. She gave me a prescription for toothpaste and said if it didn't get better in a few weeks to come back and she could fill it, but there was nothing there to fill. Nice. Just a warning, if you ever see an aerosol can and a cotton swab at your dentist...RUN...and RUN FAST!!!

Contact has been made

2012-01-03T14:32:00.000-05:00

I emailed Stephanie, my fill-in for Charro while she's on maternity leave. She wrote back and told me the times she has available, now I just need to pick one. She has Monday, Thurs. and Friday. Monday is out because neither of those times will work for me. Thursday I could go at any of the times she listed, but I'm thinking I'll take her last slot because then I can just got right to the gym from there, because it's only a few blocks from where I teach, which is really nice. No sense in making that trek twice in one day. Actually her office is almost 1.5 miles from me and the gym in only 1.1 miles away. The only thing that I don't like is that I'll always be showing up in crappy gym clothes. I don't know why that bothers me but it does. She also has Friday available, but if I go in the morning, I'll have to do a lot of back and forth. I'll go there, rush back, and rush up to school. Unless I went straight to school from there, which I could do, but then I'd have to bring all my gear, so I guess not. Okay, I'll guess I'll shoot for Thursday afternoon. That seems to work the best. I'll email her back later, or tomorrow, to see if we can do that. If her last appointment is at 5 PM then it works out perfectly, if it's at 4 PM, then I will have time to kill before teaching which means that I'll just work out before hand.

I was surprised she didn't say anything more to me in the email, like setting up a time to talk before Charro leaves, which I won't do anyway because I can't afford to pay for both of them at the same time. She did mention that back in the Fall, because she said she wanted to go over my goals. Here's my goal: Don't go backwards. How's that for a goal?

It's going to suck when Charro is gone for 4 months, but at least I will be seeing someone good and not Kruger. I really don't know what's going to happen during that time. I'll be much more active because I'll be coaching again, so I'll be busier and have less time to eat and stuff. Let's hope that she doesn't have Steph weigh me. That would be awkward. I'll have more gym time too, since I won't be seeing Charro in the mornings. It always gets complicated during my seasons, as far as working out goes, but now I'll be able to fit it all in. :)

Speaking of working out, I have to get my gym clothes on so I can hit the treadmill. I hope I feel like running when I get to the gym because I don't right now.

Stupid commercials

2012-01-03T09:02:00.000-05:00

The Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, whatever weightloss company it is, commercial is SO annoying. I'm talking about the one with the old "fat" her and the new "skinny" her. Actually, they're all really annoying, but that one is the worst. Also hate the Mariah Carey one, but I can't stand Mariah. She makes me want to vomit. Jennifer doesn't bother me, just the commercials.

Back to the real world today. Blah!

Baby names and plants

2012-01-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

I'm so glad that it's not even 9:30 PM yet and I'm tired enough to go to bed. I need to get back to my normal schedule. I've been going to bed late and sleeping late. I slept until 9 AM on Sunday, which is the latest I've slept in a long time. I didn't wake up until 8 AM today, which is late for me too. I need to get back into the swing of things.

Charro told me what she and her husband are thinking of for a middle name for their daughter. I think she only told me because I named this palm tree plant in her office "Cecil" (See-sul). So, she told me they were thinking of Cecilie for a middle name.

I guess I'll get ready for bed. Sleep is my friend. Back to normal tomorrow.

No pita for me :(

2012-01-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

I'm bracing myself for the really cold weather. I like hot weather!.

I walked down to Charro's today and it wasn't bad. My friend had called while I was at the gym to ask what I was up to. She said she wanted to go shopping, so I invited her along on the 4 mile walk. I told her that I had an appointment. That was all I said. Well, while we were walking she asked what my appointment was for and I said, nervously, "my the-rapist." She said, "Body or mind?" I said, "both!" I said, "You want to come?" (she finally realized that the guy she's been in love with for 7 yrs and only texts her twice a year for a booty call, well, that there's never going to be a relationship because he promised to spend NYE with her and then never got in touch with her, which I knew would be the case. So, she's a little, or a lot, upset.) She said, "No, I've been thinking about calling mine. (she sees her once in a while). Anyway, not the point, I felt so uncomfortable telling her where I was going, even though we are best friends, because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. She has no clue that I have an ED either. Charro really thinks that I should tell her about my ED but I can't even tell her that I go to therapy without getting nervous. Oh well. No need to tell her.

We were going to grab lunch at this pita place we both like and I mentioned this to Charro and then said, "I bet it's closed." Well, we got there and it was. Sad day. :( I wanted my yummy pita. I need to eat really healthy and light for a while. Lots of veggies!! I feel like I need to detox from Christmas. Blah! I like when I feel skinny and I wish I felt that way every minute.

Sunny 2012

2012-01-01T13:46:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful day today. Sunny and warm and I should be outside running, but I don't want to go running. I don't want to work out. I really should. I really should for two reasons, 1. because it's the last nice day of 2012 for a while, 2. because I need to work out. That's about it.

I took my tree down. It was brown inside. :( A bit dead perhaps. My apartment looks empty. I will leave my other Christmas decorations up for a while longer. Maybe I'll take them down next weekend.

I'm still watching Growing Pains. My friend just called so we're going to go for a walk in the park.

Last run of 2011...

2011-12-31T18:13:00.002-05:00

Was done in shorts and a t-shirt! :) Yes folks, December 31st in New York City and I was able to wear shorts! I don't go outside if it's too cold, never mind exercise, so that just goes to show you that it was nice out. Tomorrow it's supposed to be the same, but come Tuesday, brrrr...no leaving my apartment. It's not going to get out of the 20s. Yuck!

I didn't feel like going running, but I did. I thought I was going to go home tomorrow but now I'm not so now I can work out tomorrow too. Should I run in the park again or go to the gym?? Hmmm...maybe I can recruit my neighbor to run with me. An extra day of working out that I didn't think I'd get. :)

I am watching Growing Pains on DVD but my remote doesn't work (yes, I've tried 3 different sets of batteries), so I have the stupid subtitles on here that I can't get rid of. At least they're in English this time.

My friends are coming over in an hour. I am all set, in my PJs, ready to go. :)

Oh Christmas Tree

2011-12-31T09:34:00.000-05:00

Ohhh, my poor Christmas tree is pretty dead. I don't want to take it down but I'm going to have to. I will do that on Tuesday. It looked so pretty and now it's all droopy. I should probably take off my really nice ornaments so they don't fall off and break. That would be sad. :(

I think I'm going to go for a run in the park today. It's warm for December and I don't feel like going to the gym, so I think I'll suck up the fact that it's still "too cold" for me to run outside and go running anyway, because like I said, it's "warm" for December."

I'm having a few friends over so I need to clean. I cleaned on Thursday, but I feel like I made more of a mess during my cleaning process. Don't ya hate when that happens?

My goal for this weekend is to find something really good to talk to Charro about on Monday. Something deep or something. I need to email Stephanie this week too, to remind her that I'll be going to see her when Charro leaves. That's going to be weird, I think.

K, time to get off of my bum and do something. Oh yeah, Happy New Year. I don't like NYE so I'll be staying in...in my PJs. I love that. I told my friends that "comfy clothes are required" to come over. :)

She forgot WIF

2011-12-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

Charro totally forgot to weigh me today. I was shocked. I put my boots on and stood up and started getting my stuff together and I said, "You're very forgetful today." She agreed and blamed her cold and pregnancy. Then I said, "What day is it?" She said, "Friday December 30." I said, "Yes, what do we call that?" Then she realized, after a moment, that it was WIF. She told me to get on the scale and then made a comment that I was "wearing those jeans" so my weight would be higher. I said, "The jeans don't make a difference." I'm not sure she realized I was wearing my boots. Ha! Funny. Anyway, I know that number won't matter come WIF in two weeks. I wonder if she'll surprise WIF me next week.

Oh WIF

2011-12-29T20:37:00.000-05:00

I have WIF again tomorrow. Why does it sneak up on me so quickly? I don't know how it got brought up the other day, but I know it was Charro who said something about having a scale at her Monday office, but I mentioned how I thought I would not get weighed until she was back to her full schedule, which would be June. So, I thought I'd have no weigh ins from the end of Feb. to June, which would have been nice. She, however, informed me that she has access to scales on Monday. Ew. I said, "I figured you'd get one somewhere because I figured you'd want to weigh me as soon as you got back from maternity leave. Sucks! Blah!

I'm watching Charlie Brown. I'm sort of hungry a little but I don't want to eat because my stomach is fat. I can't wait to go to sleep either!!

Silence

2011-12-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

I have a phone sesh with Charro in an hour and I don't have a single thing to talk about. This should be fun. Should have opted out of the phone sesh but I figured it would be good for the whole consistency thing.

2011-12-28T09:21:00.001-05:00

Charro cancelled this morning, which I was actually hoping for and happy about. The only thing I wish was that she had let me know a little earlier so I could have just woken up, checked my email and gone back to bed. Instead, I woke up and ate and got half dressed and then she called. I quickly got undressed and crawled back into bed. It wasn't the same sleep I would have had had I never woken up in the first place, but it was still needed. I didn't go to bed until 2 AM so I was shot and I will definitely need some more sleep later today. I might need some caffeine before my 3 PM run too. I had a feeling that she was going to cancel today because she was sick when we spoke on Monday. I even said something to her about her cancelling today. It kind of stinks because I wouldn't have come back to NYC yesterday, although I did go out on a date last night so maybe I still would have, I don't know. Charro offered to do a phone sesh with me tomorrow, I told her no but that I'd think about it and maybe change my mind.

I think I'm going to hit up the sales at Target today. I'm waiting to hear back from my friend.

Time to unpack

2011-12-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

My cats do not want to be back here. One is crying and scratching at the door because he wants to go wander the hall. I need to unpack and put away all the crap that I brought back, that's no fun. I have to go to the gym, shower and then go on a date with my friend from the other side of the world. He wants to go to this Mexican restaurant which is like high class Mexican food, which I'm not fond of but he's the one visiting so I will go. We'll probably hang out here after or before or both.

I want to weigh myself but maybe I'll wait until tomorrow. I have WIF this week. Oh I hate WIF. I told Charro that I think WIF every other week is more stressful than every week. I don't know.

I would love to take a nap but I don't think that's going to happen. I need to clean up my stuff and then maybe I can.

new toy

2011-12-26T16:20:00.001-05:00

Trying out my new toy...a tablet.

Merry Christmas, people! :)

2011-12-24T12:38:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas!!! I hope anyone who might be reading this has a wonderful Christmas. Try (I am going to do this as well) to just enjoy your friends and family and not to freak out too much. I'm going to keep telling myself the same thing. So far so good, but I haven't had any reason to freak out. Just ENJOY!!

Home for Christmas

2011-12-23T14:25:00.000-05:00

I am home for Christmas! I have some friends to see today and that's about it. I saw Charro this morning. We had to eat one of my pretzel creations that I made for people. Caramel covered, chocolate covered pretzels. I don't know why I had to eat one. I walked there, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do because I had a suitcase and backpack, but I did it and I think I walked if faster than usual, which is weird. I was sweating bullets when I got there, but that's okay.

In less than 24 hours I've had three people tell me that I'm "bones" or something similar to that. I find that pretty funny since I've actually gained weight. I'll take them as compliments though. Last night the lady who teaches after me said that I'm "a bone." Today one of my co-workers, (a male) said that I need to eat a lot because I'm "skin and bones." Then, one of my clients told me that I need to eat, blah blah. Ok, I'll take it but it's funny to me. People should have been saying that last year when I was much thinner because I was sick with my ulcerative colitis and didn't know it.

The feast of foods begins tomorrow. This should be interesting.

My kitties are happy to have me home. I am happy to see them. They missed me.

I like this feeling

2011-12-22T09:07:00.000-05:00

I feel skinny today. That's odd...and nice. I like this feeling. What I don't like is that my tooth is hurting and I think I'll have to go get a filling. I went to the dentist last month and it didn't hurt and now it hurts. Stupid. I don't like going to the dentist.

It's weird, I told Charro this yesterday, I feel like I'm not going to see her next week because every year since I've started seeing her, she's been away the week between Christmas and New Years. This year, she will be here, so I keep thinking I won't see her, but I will. I'm not coming back to see her on Monday because I just want to chill at home after Christmas. Let's hope I don't freak out this weekend. That would be nice. I didn't freak out last weekend and I thought I would, but I have a feeling this weekend will be different. It's three days of food...and lots of it.

I need to pack to go home, but I have no idea what I'm going to wear so I need to figure this out. I have nothing to do today, so I guess I'll have time to figure it out.

Chop, Chop Charro

2011-12-21T09:47:00.002-05:00

I was sitting in my sesh this morning and Charro was twisting her hair. She stopped, grabbed the scissors on her desk, and cut off a piece of her hair. I watched in awe, mouth hanging open, and she goes, "What, you've never done that before? I couldn't take that knot."

FUNNY!! She may have a bowl cut next time I see her.

No more baking

2011-12-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

I'm DONE baking. Through! Finished! Finito!! No more. Oops, I just realized that that's a lie because I have to bake something to bring to my sister's on Christmas Eve. Well, I get a couple days off. I think I made a few (50) too many pretzels. Whoops. My mom will be happy.

Tomorrow is my day to run while watching The Closer. I have Charro tomorrow. I think my little Squish has a thyroid problem. That will be confirmed or denied when the bloodwork comes back. It seems like an easy medication though, which would be nice. I just hope that it's not expensive and that it is a thyroid problem and not something worse. They weren't happy at the vet today though. They behaved though.

I kind of want to not eat for the next few days because I'll be eating all weekend. I mean, I'll eat, I just don't really need to eat real meals. I don't have WIF until next Friday, which is good. I hate WIF. I do miss saying "WIW" though.

It's lonely without my kitties here. :(

Wanting to give up

2011-12-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

I told Charro that I didn't feel like going to see her today and that I felt like just giving up. Of course she wanted to know what that was about. I told her that I just didn't feel like doing it anymore. I also questioned whether I should go see Stephanie while Charro is on maternity leave. She said, "Well you have to see someone." I said, "I do?" I guess she thinks I should. She also told me NOT to walk to the train station when I left her because it was "compulsive" and I had my backpack that I was carrying. She told me several times NOT to walk, but I did. It was a 20 minute walk, it wasn't worth taking the subway.

I have to take my cats to the vet tomorrow. I have a feeling I'm going to get bad news when it comes to my little one. She's been drinking a TON of water. I think my boy is doing well. He looks good. I'll have them give him his IV tomorrow so I don't have to do it. I haven't done it in a few weeks. I'll be anxiously awaiting their blood test results. Ugh, that's the worst.

I must go get ready to watch my show.

No surgery :)

2011-12-19T09:28:00.001-05:00

Just got back from the hip doctor and he said that he would not recommend surgery at this point. YAY!! That is a good thing. He said it may heal on it's on, in time. Now it's just a question of how much discomfort I can take before I lose my mind. We shall see. I don't need to see him again unless I want to take action. Surgery doesn't sound like a great option because it could make my mobility worse. I do NOT want that. He said if he had to do one thing, it would be 3 days on crutches, if he had to do something else (I have no idea what he was talking about which is why I'm referring to it at "something else"), it would be 6 weeks recovery and NO running for 3 months. So, none of that is going to happen at this point in time. I will take an anti-inflammatory every morning for a few months, like he suggested...although I do not really want to do that at all, and see what happens.

I called my mom to tell her the deal. She told me that I shouldn't "work out so hard." I said, "I don't work out hard." She said, "You're always working out." Not really.

So, with that said, I need to get changed and go to the gym. Then I need to shower and go see Charro. It's going to be a cold walk today. It's nippy out there.

I still have that stupid fly in my apartment. I can't get rid of it. I tried locking it in the bathroom last night and capturing it, but I was not successful. I'd open my door and let it just fly out, but it's too cold out to do that, and he'd probably fly the other way because he doesn't want to go out there either.

I'm hungry.

No freakouts yet

2011-12-18T12:43:00.000-05:00

Back in NY. I didn't have any freakouts this weekend because of food. That's a good thing. My parties were good. There was so much good food at my work party last night. I wish you could just eat a bunch of food at one time (because it's good, not because of ED stuff) and kind of have it on reserve so you don't have to eat the next day. What I mean is that the food was really good and I knew I was coming back to my apartment where I have no meals to eat and nothing that I want to eat or cook.

I have to make more Christmas treats and I don't want to at the moment. I'll do it in a little bit. I also want to watch Christmas Vacation because I have not watched it yet this year and it's an absolute must!! I LOVE that movie. I need to clean up all the cat stuff too, since they're not here. Oh, my little one peed on the carpet in my parents family room yesterday. I was NOT happy, nor were my parents. She's clearly pissed at someone...me?? Pissed cats, piss!

Charro all week with a couple trips back and forth between here and home. Hip doctor tomorrow. Busy week.

WIFfers

2011-12-16T17:51:00.000-05:00

I had WIF today. It wasn't fun, but it never is fun. Charro was like, "alright, let's go." I sat there for a little bit and then finally go up. I wasn't happy during our sesh today. At one point Charro asked me what I was angry about because she said I seemed angry. I told her I wasn't angry but I wasn't in a good mood. So, after WIF I just stood on the scale and looked at her and she looked at me. We're almost eye to eye when I'm standing up there, although she still has a few inches on me. I guess we were just a little closer to being eye to eye than normal. So, we stared at each other and I she said, "Keep on going," and I made a face. She goes, "We're like a comedy act." I said, "I don't think anyone would pay to see us." She said, "No, but to ourselves we are." I said, "I'm not in a funny mood today." She said, "I can tell."

We had a good sesh, I just don't want to gain weight. I don't know what's going to happen when she goes on maternity leave because she's the one who keeps me from sliding down. Ugh. She says it's up to me and that it's my choice and I keep telling her that I don't feel like it is. I really don't feel like it's my choice. When you have such strong feelings how are you supposed to change them?? When you get into that freakout it's hard to "talk to yourself" in another way. I can't do it, that's for sure.

Ugh...WIF

2011-12-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

I finished my work project this morning. I worked on it last night because I had nothing else to do, and then a friend stopped by. I also managed to do some of my prep for baking. I'm going to get on that again in a few minutes. I ran out of room in my fridge so I had to stop. I also need to pack to head home tomorrow. I have a few parties to go to so I have to bring home some decent clothes. Cats are coming with me. It stresses me out to bring them in the car and home because it stresses them out. They get sweaty paws and it kills me. I REALLY hope they don't pee in my parents house like they did last year. I tried so hard to get that odor out and if you have cats, you know that doesn't happen. Ugh. I am trying to mask the smell so they don't go back there. NOT GOOD!! I take them to the vet next week, which is also stressful for everyone.

I so do NOT want to get weighed tomorrow. I hate WIF. Yesterday there was a chair in the way of the scale, so I'm hoping that will be the case tomorrow. Not like Charro can't move the chair, but maybe she'll forget about WIF if there's a chair there. Wishful thinking, huh?

I'm preparing myself for the food and freakouts the I will no doubt be having this weekend. Fun times! I'm watching Martina on TV right now too, which sure as hell won't help me feel good about my body. She's awesome though.

Caffeinated

2011-12-14T18:36:00.000-05:00

I had some green tea before I went to the gym today. I drink decaf green tea all the time, but I decided to have regular green tea to see if it made my workout better. Well, maybe it was mental, but I had a good run. I ran 6 miles and was going to keep going but my hip was hurting a bit. I plan on running again either Friday afternoon or Saturday morning. Not sure if I'll get to the gym on Friday since I'm bringing my cats home. I don't like running on the treadmills at home but I'll have to I guess. Anyway, I think I may have caffeine all the time. It kills me to say that because I pride myself on never drinking any caffeine and now I am straying away from that.

I really don't want to get weighed on Friday. I'm going to weigh 2000 pounds. I freak out when I don't "weigh enough" for Charro and I don't like it when I weigh too much for me and know that she'll be happy that I weigh more. I don't want to weigh more. Stupid double edge sword. I hate this crap. Maybe I should just quit Charro and go back to being completely obsessive, because that's fun.

I might go to the gym early tomorrow night to work out before class. We'll see how I feel about that when the time comes. I really should, especially if I'm not working out on Friday.

Okay, this was my break from work, now I have to get back to it. I need to start my Christmas baking and I have no time to do it.

Okay, one more thing...If you saw Charro from the back you'd never know she is 7 months pregnant. It's highly annoying. Why the hell does she have to be so skinny? She has no ass. Aren't people suppose to get asses when they're pregnant?? Her arms and legs are still sticks. All she has is a belly. It is SO. NOT! FAIR. Waa!

Is it nap time?

2011-12-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. It's okay, but I'm tired. I'm kind of in a blah mood too. My sesh with Charro was okay. I talked a lot but I didn't really come out of there feeling any better about things. I guess that happens. I feel like I'm at a place where it would be so easy to just not eat, and I really want to do that, but so far I haven't. I feel like there's going to be a breaking point soon though. I don't know how much longer I can handle eating and gaining weight. Okay, I am not constantly gaining weight, but I've gained a few pounds and I hate it. That's the way it goes.

Okay, I have a ton of work to do so I better get busy. Lots of inputting data today. Mindless work, but sitting at a computer all day when you're tired, isn't fun.

Go, go, go

2011-12-12T07:51:00.000-05:00

I have been non-stop, on the go since last Tuesday. It may not end until Wednesday. I hope it does because I REALLY need to start my Christmas baking. I think I have to go back home this afternoon, after I see Charro and then would head back here after work tomorrow to head to a Christmas party. Friday, it's back home, with the cats, two Christmas parties, then back here to work Sunday morning.

I need to hit the gym and run this morning. I figure if I run for 45 minutes and then walk to Charro's, that's an 1 hour 45 minutes of activity. That's decent.

I love my Christmas tree.

I hosted a party last night. I cooked for that and now I have ton of leftovers. Lots of desserts that I don't know what to do with. I guess I can give them to the doormen. I guess I should eat breakfast and get dressed so I can get going. It's freaking cold out and I don't like it.

2011-12-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of things I should talk to Charro about on Monday, but the feelings I was having on Thursday are gone and I can't have that emotion that I had on Thursday, so it doesn't make sense for me to talk about how fat and disgusting I'm feeling much of the time. I should have emailed her when I was feeling like crap, then she would have gotten the emotion. She doesn't mind when I do that.

I have so much to do tomorrow, which means that I should probably go to bed. I'm having people over, so I have to cook and clean and teach class.

I hope my Christmas tree doesn't die. It's not drinking. It needs to last another 3 weeks, at least.

Kitty love

2011-12-09T21:25:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to be back in my apartment with my kitties! I don't think anyone pooped where they weren't supposed to, which is a good thing. I bought a few more ornaments for my tree so I need to put them on. I have to babysit in the morning, workout, babysit again in the afternoon through the night. Big bucks for me. :)

I need to run off my fat stomach, so I'm going to do that again tomorrow. I hate that the next two weeks are all about food. I have 5 parties in 7 days. That's a lot of food and a lot of freak outs for me. Always a good time. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through them without totally freaking out and deciding that I need to just not eat and work out like crazy. Well, I'm already going to pick up the workouts because I need to.

I'm so bummed, they moved Starving Secrets to 11 PM. What?? That's so past my bedtime. Guess I'll be watching it on Saturdays instead of Fridays now. Ugh, I'm going to miss it next Friday and the following Friday. I'll have to wait to watch those episodes.

Here we go again

2011-12-09T07:29:00.000-05:00

I have felt absolutely disgusting for the past two days. I am so thankful that the client I was supposed to be with all day today cancelled so I can spend more time at the gym. I haven't worked out in two days. I'm going to go and run...just run. I hope I can just keep going. I feel like this is how the whole month is going to be since I have a bunch of parties to go to. I'll feel like I'm constantly eating and getting fatter. Honestly, I can't stand the way my stomach looks right now. I literally almost threw up in disgust when I saw it the other day. I can't take it.

Maybe I can finish my Christmas shopping today, since I won't be with this client. That would be fantastic. I just don't know what to get the people whom I haven't bought for yet, which is why I haven't gotten them anything yet.

I would head back to NY earlier, but I promised my nephews I'd have dinner with them. They want to celebrate my birthday. They're so cute.

I just want to run...If I could do 6 or more miles, that would be awesome.

More celebrating

2011-12-07T22:18:00.000-05:00

I've had a very nice two days. I'm home with my parents right now. I've been on the go non-stop since yesterday morning, and it will be that way until, well, I don't know until when, possibly next Wednesday. I have a full day and night of work tomorrow and I full day of work on Friday. I have to travel a bit for both of these things. Tomorrow is a 12+ hour thing and Friday will be day one of however many days it takes me to finish this project. I'm glad I actually have something to do for my job because most of the time I don't have to do much, which is nice, don't get me wrong, but at least I feel like I'm working.

My office bought me lunch today and then I went out to dinner with my parents. I haven't been getting enough sleep and should go to bed in a few minutes but my favorite movie is on. Oh well, I have it on DVD so I guess I can watch it any time, but it's more exciting to watch on TV.

This is so sad, one of my friends had to give birth to her dead baby. I don't know all of the details, but I think she went into the hospital because she wasn't feeling anything. I think they knew it was dead before she gave birth. I can't imagine going through an entire pregnancy and going into give birth and having this happen. I feel so bad for her and her husband. She had no health problems. I wonder what went wrong. You think your safe when you go your full 9 months, but I guess you just don't know. I can't even imagine what they're going through. :(

Okay, now on that sad note, it's time for me to go to bed. I am taking a day off from birthday celebrating tomorrow, but I'll continue on Friday night.

Dec.6

2011-12-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

Today has been a busier day than expected, which is nice. I went to the gym. The swelling on my knee is going down, which is good. I ran for a while and then did the elliptical. My hip hurts, but my knee feels better. Ha. I'm getting lots of phone calls and facebook messages today. I feel loved. :) My friend is coming over because her birthday was yesterday and mine is today. I gave the gift of weighing myself to myself this morning. That's about it. Now I'm eating chocolate animal crackers, my favorite.

2011-12-05T19:06:00.000-05:00

Charro didn't bring up her being "perturbed" from last week. I knew she wouldn't. I sort of brought it up. She said it's entirely up to me, what I want to do with this weight business and whether or not I want to get better. She said that she can't do it for me, which I already know. She said that she's giving me her recommendation for what she knows to be healthy. This is what she said. "You're at a super unhealthy weight where I would be concerned about your health. I think it's not good for you. I think you'll always be obsessive and anxious and I think it's going to ruin your quality of life. Not to mention that I think there may be some health consequences down the road. But since it's nothing acute, I can't do anything unless you want to."

We talked about the Tracey Gold show too. She doesn't think it's a good idea that I watch "shows like that," but let's be honest, I'm going to. I told her that it was good. She wanted to know if it triggered me, which it doesn't.

Then we discussed the crazy massage I had on Friday. She thought it was odd too, what happened. I don't think I wrote about it but I'm too tired to do it now.

Oh my darling

2011-12-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

I just ate breakfast and I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll have some clementines. I can't get up right now. I have a cat on my stomach and and ice pack on my leg. It's a bit swollen under my know. I hope Charro doesn't notice because then she'll yell at me for walking to her office.

Cat jumped off. I need to get ready to go to the gym. Cat now crying in the bathroom because she wants me to pick her up and put her on the counter so she can have a drink.

Maybe I'll weigh myself tomorrow.

I had something I was actually going to write about but I don't know what it was. I forgot. I guess that means I should eat my clementines and go to the gym.

Fingers, cuts, knees, on my

2011-12-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

I was a bit accident prone today, I think. I stabbed myself while trying to change the needle to the IV and wasn't even able to give my cat his IV because I sucked at trying to do it today. I fell playing field hockey, which is not at all unusual, but my knee landed on someone's stick which hurt like a beast. I didn't think I was going to be able to get up. I knew it was one of those things that was just going to hurt like hell for a few minutes until I could walk it off. That was the case. I seriously had to just sit there for a few seconds. My friend, "I saw that you didn't get up and I knew it hurt. You usually bounce right back up." Then I got home ans sliced my finger on something. I still don't know what it was, but it bled a lot.

I can't wait to go to bed. My tree is done. I ran out of tinsel so I have to get some tomorrow. I'm icing my knee now, it's actually right under my knee cap but it currently looks like I have a second kneecap, which is never a good thing.

Bed time in 10 minutes.

Things that happen

2011-12-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

I heard a lady get hit by a cab last night. I don't know how injured she was, but from across the street, I couldn't see blood. She was just laying there.

I keep biting my cheek and it's really annoying. It's protruding out so I bite it even more.

My stomach is also protruding out, which is possible worse than the cheek biting situation. At least that will heal. I need my stomach to be concave.

I went to bed late and woke up too early.

My Christmas tree lights are half done and now I have to finish them and decorate, but since I'm extremely anal and a perfectionist when it comes to my tree, this will take a while. It's too short and I'm not happy with it.

I'm going to play field hockey and hope to stay injury free.

I am hungry but don't know what I want to eat. I really need some protein but I don't want a protein shake, egg whites or a yogurt. That means I'll probably just do my tree lights instead of consuming something.

I need a nap.

I don't think Charro will remember that she wants an answer from me tomorrow about this whole weight thing. I'll pretend like I forgot. Afterall, it is my Australian birthday.

I really, really hate feeling and looking 9 months pregnant. It sucks.

Tree time.

Give me an answer

2011-12-03T15:48:00.000-05:00

Charro wants an answer from me on Monday as to whether or not I'm willing to get to 103. I guess I need to be honest with her and tell her that I don't. She said she was not going to fight with me about my weight anymore, but does that mean she'll "fire" me if I don't agree to 103?? That's my only concern. I'm afraid that if I tell her that I don't want to get to 103 she'll tell me that she won't see me anymore, which is why I feel like I should lie and just pretend that I do get to 103. I don't want to lie though, which is why it's hard. I don't think I will lie. Well, I'll tell her that I don't want to and then if she tells me that she won't see me, then I will tell her I will do it. I don't want to, nor do I need to.

I do need to take a shower though.

I got my Christmas tree and it's too small. I knew I would be mad when I got it home. I was having tree anxiety when I was buying it because I knew I wouldn't be happy with it. Grr. I can't decorate it until tomorrow.

I need a nap. I'll do that after I shower.

Tracey Gold

2011-12-03T07:25:00.002-05:00

Tracey Gold's show, Starving Secrets, debuted last night. It was awesome. Charro doesn't want me watching things like this but I don't see why and it's not like I'm not going to watch it. I can't wait to see it next Friday night.

Brownies

2011-12-02T18:49:00.002-05:00

Right now I have a big desire to make brownies and eat a large quantity of them. Since I don't binge, that is not likely to happen. It kind of would be nice if I could just do that (not binge, but eat a large quantity of brownies) every now and then.

I'm perturbed

2011-12-02T13:33:00.001-05:00

That's what Charro said today after she weighed me. She is not happy that I have not gained weight. (I haven't lost weight). She said, "So you're just not gaining anything, huh? Too bad. Do you just want to stay here? I'm not going to fight you on this. I prefer you get up but if you're going to keep fighting it." (Me) "I'm not fighting it." Charro - "Yes you clearly are. So just tell me the truth. What are you going to do? Let's not pretend anymore. Are you going to gain up to 103, ever? That's what would be indicated for you. You have to stop restricting and stop exercising when you don't feel like it. (more chatter). Charro chimes back in with, "I'm a little bit perturbed, actually, by this pretend game here. You're supposed to be gaining weight. Can you just do it? Are you signed on to do it because that's what you're here for. You need to get your weight up, bottom line!"

So I went for a massage after my sesh because I bought one of those groupon type thingies a while back. Carlos gave me quite a nice massage but while he was up near my head I could feel him breathing on my face, which sketched me out a bit. Then I could feel him on my my, almost like he was smelling my hair. It was a little odd. I kept thinking, what if he kisses my head? Then towards the end he whispered in my ear, "thank you," in this very seductive voice. I thought to myself, this is going to make for a funny story later. The massage felt good, well, it did hurt sometimes and my calf is already sore, but for the most part it was good.

Dare I say...

2011-12-01T17:17:00.000-05:00

That my hip has been feeling great this past week. It shouldn't since I ran 6 miles on Saturday, taught aerobics and played field hockey on Sunday and ran again on Monday, but it does. :) Yay. Let's hope it stays that way. I was supposed to go to the doctor next week but now I don't go for another few weeks. I love that it feels good.

I almost forgot that I have WIF tomorrow. It's been nice not getting weighed. I wish it stayed that way. Maybe I can get her to stop weighing me at the end of this month/year. That would be fantastic!! I'm probably going to end up weighing myself a lot while Charro's on maternity leave. Let's face it, I'd be weighing myself everyday if she wouldn't ask me about it.

I have to get changed into my gym clothes.

Up and away

2011-11-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

My sesh was pretty uneventful. Before I even sat down Charro said "Starting in January..." I stopped her and said, "Oh no, this isn't going to be good." She said, "Sit down first. I'm raising my fees to 10 dollars. Is that going to work for you?" I said, "Of course, I'm totally fine with 10 dollars." She then corrected herself and told me that she's raising them ten dollars. I knew that all along, but I was messing with her. I said, "You know what's weird? The other day I thought to myself, Charro's probably going to raise her fees soon." WEIRD!

We talked about her going on maternity leave and how it's going to suck and how I have a "choice" to act disordered or not. I don't think I do.

I have WIF on Friday. It's been a while since I've stepped on that scale. Maybe she'll stop weighing me soon. This should be interesting. Blah! I want to be a stick.

My feet are cold

2011-11-29T12:04:00.000-05:00

The nice weather streak is over. If only it could be 70 degrees all winter long, I would be ecstatic. I did, however, just book a flight to Florida. Sunshine and palm trees, here I come...in a few months. Booking that trip was just my deciding factor that I am not having surgery on my hip any time soon. :)

I get to see my brother today. He's flying in for the night and my sister is going to come into the city so we can all hang out. We don't get to do that very much.

My feet are cold. I can't wait to get tan! :) The only sad thing is that it's like a week before Charro goes on maternity leave, so I will miss that time with her, and it will probably be a time when I'm freaking out. Maybe that wasn't such good timing. Hopefully I'll get back and she'll be around for another week or two. Those are going to be a long few months when she's gone. I should have booked the trip while she was away. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, this flight was cheap!

I'm feeling much better about my weight, even though it's still not down to where I'd like it to be. I might actually be okay with where I am now. WHAT!? I know. We'll see.