Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Weird dream about therapist friend

I had a dream about this woman who is sort of my friend.  I met her through another friend when we all went away for my friend's birthday.  So, we were together for a week and I ended up sitting next to her on the flight there and back.  Anyway, she's an ED therapist, that's the important part of the story.  She's much older than I am, so it's not like I'm going to hang out with her, besides, I'm not too sure I like her.  She's very flaky.

Anyway, I had a dream I was going to her office, for I'm not sure what.  I got there and in the waiting room were two really cute puppies.  One was blue (I know, odd) and the other was gray.  I asked her if I could bring one in and she said no because they would miss each other.  I put him down and went into her office.  I think I was just there to shoot the shit, but I remember being a little nervous and afraid that someone I knew would see me there.  I had a hooded sweatshirt on with the hood pulled over my head.  We sat and on office (rolling) chairs and started chatting a little.  A food delivery came and she said, "I didn't order that," and then her office mate came and got it.  We were sitting there and she asked how I was doing and of course I said, "Fine."  She asked how my eating was and I said, "fine."  Then she said, "So tell me about the ice cream and throwing up."  I looked at her and said, "I don't do that.  I don't throw up."  I stumbled in my speech because it wasn't totally the truth, but it was sort of.  She somehow knew that when I was in high school I would eat a couple bites of ice cream and then throw myself over the sink to try and make myself get rid of those few bites.  

The next thing I knew there was some weird trick being played where she was sitting on both sides of me at the same time.  It was so weird.  I knew only one of her was real and the other was so sort of projection of her (like a literal visual projection, like a screen).  

That's really all I remember.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Thanksgiving dinner with Charro

I had a random dream last night.  I dreamt that I was having Thanksgiving dinner with Charro and her family.  She and her husband and her kids were at my house and we were sitting in the dining room eating dinner.  I was very uncomfortable with the situation for a few reasons.  First of all, they were doing dinner wrong.  We always start off with the pasta and then go from there with all of the rest of the food.  Well, she had put little slices of turkey on everyone's plates and sauce drizzled over it and gave it to us all.  I don't eat turkey, so that was the first thing that was the problem.  Then, all of a sudden, they started saying grace.  I wasn't ready for that because we usually hold hands.  After, I looked at her and asked her where the rest of the food was.  Then I stood up and went into the kitchen and turned off all of the lights in there, looked into the family room and thought about my Christmas tree, then went back into the dining room and turned on the dining room light and sat back down.  I don't think I ate the turkey.  I just kept thinking about how they were doing dinner all wrong and that it must be a cultural thing.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Lots of ED chatter

My parents brought up EDs a thousand times in two days.  I was home and sitting at the table Tuesday morning and my mom was reading the newspaper.  On the front page was an article about a new ED clinic that opened up last week 2 miles from my house.  My mom said, "An eating disorder clinic opened up on (street name)."  No one responded.  About 5-10 minutes later my dad said, "Ginger Zee was anorexic.  She talked about it on DWTS last night.  Her parents got divorced and then it started."  Once again, no response from me.  A few minutes later he started reading the article in the paper and was reading it out loud.  He was spouting out facts like, "Did you know that 20 million people suffer from eating disorders?"  (Not sure if that number is right but I don't remember what it was).  Then he asked if bulimia is when people eat a lot and throw up.  I said, "Yes."  He asked why and if they lose weight doing that and I said, "No, it doesn't really do anything."  I don't remember what else was said.  Oh ya, then he told me that I should read the article.  So, that was that until the next morning when there was an article about Ginger and her ED in the newspaper.  He said, "There's an article about Ginger and her eating disorder in the paper."  There was also a segment on GMA about her too, but I was upstairs getting dressed during that, thank God.

So, that was my fun two mornings at home.  Of course I never talk to them about any of this stuff and that's how I like it.  If they want to ask me something, they should just ask.

Thursday, May 12, 2016


I've got BIB...Body Image Blues.  I just made that one up and I like it.  It seems like I go through waves of hating my body and then being okay with it.  Right now I'm in the hating it stage so if you don't want to hear about it, don't read it.

There's nothing Charro can say to me that will get me out of feeling/thinking the way I do.  I'm unwilling to "challenge" my thoughts, so there is where I stay.  Part of me wants to be a little bit skeletal.  Not disgusting, by any means, but definitely more bony.  I want to run more and melt away the fat on my body.  Charro keeps telling me that I'm not fat, I've never been fat, and I'll never be fat, but that doesn't really matter to my brain.  I may not be "fat," but I'm not as skinny as I'd like to be.  I guess the difference between now and then is that now I don't really do anything to get there...aka starve myself.  I guess that's a good thing, even though sometimes I think it's not.  Sometimes I think I was much stronger when I didn't eat.  I could probably get into that more, but I have to walk out my door in 3 minutes.

Monday, May 09, 2016


Last night I had a dream that Charro was pregnant with twins.  I guess I was on my way to a group sesh, but I don't really know, but it was in the building where I teach.  I got there and there were like 10 others sitting around the table with me.  Charro pulled up her computer and showed us a bunch of pictures, one of which was her ultrasound.  She said, "Look, two thumbs up."  (the babies were holding their thumbs up).  Someone said, "You're having twins?!"  I said, "I had a dream two weeks ago that you were pregnant."  I was upset about it and wondering who I was going to see while she was gone.  I decided that I wasn't going to see anyone.  I also decided that I didn't like group therapy.  I said I didn't like being there and talking with all of those people around.  

I left there and ran into this girl who works with Charro.  It's actually someone who I've met in real life a few times and have actually been to her house.  She was giving me the inside scoop on Charro and we were discussing her pregnancy.

So, that was my dream.  I'm ready for bed right now, actually.

Thursday, May 05, 2016

Tidal wave

There's nothing better than having a huge fat roll roll over your shorts, like a tsunami rolls over an entire city, while you're doing abs.  Yes,  I will be running at the gym tomorrow.

Winky eye

I was having serious contact problems with my left eye during my sesh today.  I guess I've been having contact issues all day.  I put them both in my right eye, which was the first problem, but realized it as soon as I did it.  Anyway, when I got into Charro's office my left contact was weird, so of course I kept rubbing it, which didn't help the situation.  When she has contact issues she always says, "I'm not winking at you."  So I threw that one out there today.

I complained about my jeans, which isn't uncommon.  She told me not to shift around.

We're doing a phone sesh on Monday because I won't be here.  I told her to call me and said, "You've got my number, right?"  (I was joking because I know she does).  She said, "Your cell?"  I said, "No, call my house and I'll put you on speaker so I can have my parents join in."  :)  

I need a kitty cam so I can see what my rugrats do when I'm not home.  They're fast asleep right now and I need to go out soon.  I hope they run around so they're tired tonight.

Monday, May 02, 2016

Dirty glasses

Why is it that my glasses are constantly dirty?  It's really annoying.  That's all about that.

I have no idea what to have for dinner, my life story.  Maybe I'll just have PBJ, although I'm not really sure what my bread situation is like, probably not so good.  Charro would tell me that that's not dinner, but Charro is not hear so I can eat what I want.  Oh, maybe I'll have oatmeal. :)

I ran today and managed to not get a headache, which is good.  Last time I ran outside and it was warm and a little humid, which I love. (It's never too hot for me but some people would say that it was hot).  I had a headache for two days after that, but then I remembered that I usually do get headaches after I run outside so maybe it's all good.  Probably still concussion related from the one I had 2 years ago.  Anyway, no headache today so that's good.  I need to start running more so I can get into shape and so my legs might look better too.  Charro would tell me that I don't even like running and that I shouldn't be doing it and that it's obsessive.  She's 98% right.  I do like getting outside and being in the park rather than the gym though.  

Charro says that I need to bump my milk up to 2% when I finish this carton.  I said no to that.  There's no need for 2% milk, I already bumped up to 1%.  I told her it would be like drinking whipped cream and she said, "I'll bring you in some whipped cream to drink."  I told her that was unnecessary. 

I really need to come up with some real stuff to talk about with Charro.  I'm done stressing about the apartment situation, for the moment.  That will change when I hear back from my landlord and then I will talk about that with her again.  I spent the past few seshes on that.  It's funny, I'll talk about stuff that's bothering me, but then I get sick of talking about it, like I've talked about it enough and I'm tired of hearing it so I just move on.  Like I said, I'll start stressing out about it again soon.

I feel like watching an ED movie but I need to watch Quantico.  I need to go to bed early too.

This post was stupid and the spell check on Blogger hasn't worked for a while.