Sunday, July 31, 2016

Horses and Houses

Last night I had a dream that I was in a treatment program, but it was a house on a ranch and we went from 9 AM until 4 PM.  It had people with all sorts of issues like drugs and alcohol and EDs.  One of my friends was there, apparently she had a drug problem, I think, but it wasn't bad, but at one point in my dream, she and this other girl were making themselves throw up.  

So I ended up at this place, I'm not sure how, but I didn't really want to be there.  I went and I think I ate what I was supposed to, but I don't really remember, but I remember not wanting to get weighed because they were going to see that I weighed less than I was supposed to. 

It was cold outside, like it was late Fall or winter.  We were going outside to ride horses and I was surprised they were going to let me ride because it was "exercise."  I told the guy that I shouldn't ride because I had a lot of concussions and he said, "What like 8 or 9?"  I said, "actually, yes, I've had 8."  I got on the horse and went really slow around and around the area.  I got off and was talking to some of the girls about the program.  I asked them what I was going to tell my parents about where I was and they said that they already know because all parents get informed about it.  We went inside to watch a movie and at this point it was dark out.  Then it was time to leave and I was up to something, not sure what, but I went outside with two of the girls, one of them being my friend, and we walked through the stables.  I think my clothes got wet so I wanted to change them, but I'm not really sure.  We ran into one of the guys working in the stable and I we didn't want him to see us for some reason.  I was running around outside a little, so maybe that's what I didn't want him to see.  I thought I was going to get yelled at for running.

It was a weird dream and I can't put it all together to make sense of it, but that was about it.

Thursday, July 21, 2016


Trying to find a roommate in NYC sucks!!  I'm about ready to give up and just move back home.  

The end.

Saturday, July 02, 2016

Subway girl and dreams

I got on the subway and sat down, not paying any attention to who I was next to.  I was sitting there, tired and annoyed, when I heard weird chewing next to me.  I looked over and it was this extremely anorexic girl eating a Subway sandwich.  She chewed that tuna and veggie sandwich in such a strange, disordered way.  I didn't even have to see her to know she had an ED, I could just tell by her chewing and her way of eating.

At first I wasn't even sure it was a girl, because she was so bone thing and I couldn't really tell, but then I saw her finger nails and knew.  I felt bad for her.  I wondered if she was going to puke it up as soon as she got off of the train.  I wanted to stare, but that would have been awkward.

Last night I had a dream.  I think I had walked into Charro's office where she works at the outpatient clinic, but I'm not sure if that's where I was or not.  I was probably going to see her and while I was waiting for her, this other therapist approached me.  She told me to come in.  I think I knew her prior to this meeting, possibly from one of my friends who worked there or from seeing her there before when I went to see Charro.  Anyway, I went in and sat on the floor in between her desk and this other therapist's desk.  (They sat with their backs towards each other).  They both turned their chairs around to talk to me, although just the one to my right was talking, the other was just sitting there listening.  I saw this other girl come in and get weighed outside the cubicle, by another therapist, and the lady I was talking to said, "We're going to do that too."  I reached for my bottle of water and she pulled it away from me.  She wouldn't let me drink anything because she didn't want a false weight.  Ugh.  I was annoyed.  She started asking me questions and presenting me with things that I had said or done.  There were 10 different ones.  She pulled out one of my food logs.  It was circled in red and in red it said, "250 calories."  She showed it to me and said, "Look, see what you're eating?"  I said, "That was from 1994!! I eat more than that now."  I couldn't believe she was showing me something over 20 years old.  Then she said to me, "And you don't enjoy sex."  I laughed and said, "I've never, ever discussed sex with anyone, so I don't know where you came up with that one."  They were making all of this crap up and pulling stuff up from years ago to try and get me to go inpatient.  It wasn't working.  I was annoyed and kind of thought it was funny, and then I woke up.  I wonder how things ended.

I hate when I have people stay with me and their still sleeping and I can't turn on the TV or do the things I need to do before I leave here, which is in 30 minutes.