Saturday, January 02, 2016

Christmas Recap

I've had a nice, lazy break from NYC for the past 11 days.  I came back last night.  Let's see, what has happened...

On my last sesh with Charro, she brought me chips and a cranberry juice.  Awesome.  The cranberry juice had 51 grams of sugar in it.  Oh, let me mention that 10 minutes before I got to my sesh, which I got to a minute late because I was with my friend, I had smores and hot chocolate.  Neither of which I wanted, but my friend wanted to treat me for my birthday.  I usually don't pass up chocolate, but I really haven't been in the mood for since I was baking with it for a few weeks.  Anyway, she ordered smores for us and made me get a hot chocolate too.  We have about 10 minutes to eat the stuff before I had to leave for my sesh, so I brought the hot chocolate with me to Charro.  She made me drink that too.  It was not a fun sesh, eating all that crap after I had just eaten stuff.  Then she said I needed to eat dinner, which really didn't happen because all of this food happened between 4-5:30.  

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I felt disgusting after eating, like really gross, like I wanted to throw.  I worked out and went for a run Christmas Eve and went for a run again on Christmas Day because it was so warm out.  I was in shorts and a tank top and it was 68 degrees, which is unheard of and I wanted to enjoy every minute of it.

I spent the week and a half relaxing.  I'd go to the gym and then pretty much stay in my pjs all day and watch Hallmark movies.  I loved it.  Now I'm back and the Hallmark Christmas movies are over, which is very sad.  I am in Christmas music withdrawal too.

So, that's about it.  I had a nice Christmas with my family and now winter has arrived.  Brr.  Happy 2016.


E said...

It makes me sad to see you're still pretty much exactly where you were even several years ago with your ED. It would be interesting to see you post some reflections on what you've gotten out of seeing Charro for so long. Do you feel like you've made any positive changes? It just all sounds exactly the same... the weights, her saying you need to be a certain weight and you saying you need to weigh 2 lbs. less and her threatening to 'fire' you if you don't weigh a certain amount which is within just a few pounds of what you've always weighed, etc.

I have never seen you, but I know you're not fat at all, and doesn't all this just suck a lot? Aren't you sick of doing the same things over and over, year after year? What about all the money you have sunk into Charro and for what? I actually think she's doing you a disservice by seeing you and taking your money after all these years when you're still very much in your disorder. It's actually kind of unethical that she hasn't referred you to someone else or recommended a higher level of care or just SOMETHING to prompt some change.

Trust me, I think about it for myself too. But I've found (reading my old blog posts) and from getting feedback from my old team (that saw me for a long time) that I've actually changed a TON. I've made a lot of progress and it's very evident by my writing, what I write about, how I react to people, what I say, what I don't say, my behaviors, etc. I've seen growth in myself over the years and others have too. And I don't want to be mean (I swear I don't because I genuinely feel sorry for you and I'm sorry if that pisses you off) but you seem so stuck and have been for a very long time.

I know you adore Charro and I loved my old therapist too, but I'm actually finding that seeing someone else is opening my eyes a ton. I think my old team was keeping me stuck in a lot of ways. I saw them a lot over the years and gave them all a ton of money and sometimes I wonder what it was all for. I mean, I know they helped me, but in a way in was sort of also enabling me to stay in my ED (does that make any sense?). I think this is what is happening for you. The focus on the food, the weight, weigh-ins, the same conversations, the same old issues over and over.

You don't have to change or reply or anything (unless you want). It's your blog, of course. I'm just expressing some concern as someone that used to read your blog several years ago.

I'm sorry if this comment is upsetting. Feel free to delete it if you want. I just wanted to give you something to consider and maybe spur some reflection.

And I'm so sorry about your cat. :(

Please take care of yourself. I wish you well.

PTC said...

Hi Erin,

Thanks for the cat love. :( I miss my boy so much, but new ones will be coming in a few months.

You didn't upset or make me angry. Both Charro and I know that I've come a long way. The most obvious thing that shows me this is my lack of blog posts. I usually post if I'm freaking out about my body, which used to be several times a day, and now I barely write on here anymore. I don't feel like I need to list all of the positive changes that I've made, because I know what they are and that's really all that matters. To put it simply, I eat pretty much whatever I want (I still don't feel the need to drink caloric drinks, so I know that's still an issue), work out a lot less and don't freak out about it, and I'm way less obsessive about it all. Those are just a few things.

You shouldn't feel sad for me, I don't. I have a wonderful life and my ED doesn't rule it anymore, so that's a great thing. There are still things that I need to work on, and I'm doing that, but overall, everything is great.

E said...

Damn, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't remember me, because I was such a bitch to you in the past. :/

Anyway, hi.

I think we use our blogs differently. I think I know what you mean. I don't keep a written journal anymore, but when I did, I was often saying the same things because I used it to vent, I guess. Sometimes I have used my blog(s) that way but I often try to reflect on things or post about a topic, or whatever. But again, it's your blog and those are my blogs and blah blah blah. :P You MIGHT find it helpful to post some more reflection stuff because it's nice to be able to see how you've grown but it sounds like you've already got that down.

I'm very glad to hear that you have made progress. That's awesome. I'm glad you're happy overall. It's hard to be happy with your life, at least for me and I know I'm not alone!

As for the cat, it's so amazingly hard. I lost my cat in 2008 and it was heartbreaking. I got 2 new ones the following month (I probably shouldn't have jumped into it so quickly!) and they are awesome. I'm sure your new fur babies will love their new home. :)

PTC said...

I have the memory of an elephant!! Thanks for admitting that you were a bitch.

The only way my life could be happier is if I had unlimited money so I could travel all of the world and could feed and take care of all of the homeless cats. My friends and family are awesome, always have been. I'm lucky that I have such wonderful people in my life.

I'm only waiting to get cats because I'm going away and don't want to have to worry about having my friends take care of them while I'm gone. Kittens like to get into too much. They won't replace my two, but they'll be two more to love.

I can see how much I've grown by just reading my old posts. It's crazy! I don't know how I lived like that and thought no one knew. Oh well, it's the past.