Thursday, December 22, 2016

Comic relief

Today was my last in person sesh with Charro until next year, so of course she wanted to weigh me.  I wish there was a camera to record how the last 5 minutes of our sesh went.  She opened the door to check if there was anyone in the waiting room.  She didn't see anyone so she grabbed her scale and we walked out.  Well, she turned around because she saw someone and I bolted back into the room and dove, head first, onto her couch.  I was like, "Did they see you?  Did they see the scale?"  She said, "It was just Rebecca.  Do you know Rebecca?"  No, I don't know Rebecca (therapist in an office two over from her).  Ugh.  She told me I was going to have to weigh myself on Bertha and report back to her and promise to be honest about it.  I told her she should just try the scale in her office again, so we did.  I weighed 59 lbs. LOL.  Then she thought about putting it on the chair (at the "kitchen" table, as I call it) and I told her to do it and I'd climb up there.  I've told her that in the past.  She hesitated but then finally agreed.  Well, I weighed 49, 50 and 52 lbs without even moving.  HA!!  I told her I'd hide the scale under my jacket and go into the bathroom and weigh myself.  She agreed to that but the scale wouldn't fit under my jacket so that idea got nixed.  I got all ready to leave and then there was no one out there so I told her she could weigh me.  I went out there with my winter coat and my Santa hat, equipped with lights, and all my gear on and hopped on the scale.  It's so incredibly pointless because I weigh 4000 more pounds with all of that stuff on so she really has so idea what my actual weight it.  It's not 109.8, which is what the scale said.  I told her to take off 5 pounds, which is still about 5 pounds more than I weigh.  So really, this weighing me told her nothing, but it was pretty comical.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

I get annoyed

I used to surround myself with disordered people and now I want nothing to do with them.  Funny how that works.  I'm not saying that I'm no longer disordered, but I can't stand being with people who have an eating disorder.  I find them to be super annoying.  If I am with disordered people, especially around food, I'm super conscious that it's probably hard for them and don't want to make them uncomfortable, because I've been there.  

Let's be honest here, I'm not super sympathetic and I just get annoyed by people.  I don't get annoyed by those who are silently struggling, but those, and I'm going to guess that it's mostly younger people, like teens, who flaunt that fact that they have an ED.  I always tried to hide it.  I wouldn't talk about calories or weight or anything like that in front of anyone, unless it was one of my other disordered friends, because I didn't want to tip people off to the fact that I had an issue.  I think kids think it's cool to be disordered and kind of flaunt it.

I'm not quite sure where this tangent came from, but I do know that I get annoyed by eating disordered people.  Maybe that's a good sign for me.

In other news, Charro is going to WIF me on Thursday, which would make it WIT.  This will only happen if no one is out in the waiting room, since she weighs me out there.  Love that.  I'll make sure to wear my heavy boots. :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Kind of a good set up

So this new set-up where Charro weighs me in the "weighting" room (Ha, waiting room) isn't so bad after all.  Of course it's so not ideal and I fear that someone is going to walk in and see this happening, which is totally not cool at all.  On the bright side, I have every piece of clothing on when this happens, so there's no chance that I won't weigh enough.  Come summertime, if this is still happening, then I'll be screwed.  You'd think she'd wonder why I'm not freaking out over the fact that I weigh 400 pounds more than I have.  I wonder what she thinks I actually weigh.  I'm going to tell you right now, it's about 10 pounds less than what that scale said yesterday.  I'm not quite sure how that's possible, but it is because I weighed myself at home the other day, with nothing on, and that's what it was.  I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have.  I wasn't harvesting weights in my pockets.  I was just dressed to walk out the door, which meant that I had my shoes on and my jacket on, which had my wallet, phone, and keys in it because I don't carry a bag.  I could've even held my water bottle and she wouldn't have even known.

I'm hoping she doesn't get this big piece of wood that she says she's going to get to put the scale on in her office.  She doesn't think it will work anyway, so maybe she won't.  I can't imagine this weighing in the waiting room thing will continue forever.  The only bad thing about this is that she can weigh me at anytime without me being ready for it.  At least I knew I was going to get weighed before, because I had to go to her other office.  Now, I'll be screwed if she all of a sudden makes me hop on the scale in June and I didn't drink a large amount of water first.  Then the getting weighed every week cycle will begin again.

Saturday, November 19, 2016


Charro buzzed me in on Thursday and I sat down.  I was trying to shove my Fitbit in my bag when she walked out with the scale and said, "Get on."  I said, "No."  She said, "Hurry up, let's do this."  I hopped on so quickly and hopped off before the number even finished coming up.  I saw a few numbers in there, but 107.8 was one of them.  She didn't see it so she asked me.  I told her what it said and she wasn't so sure of that, but she couldn't fight it.  

This all happened so quickly and I clearly wasn't able to strip down before this happened.  I had on my sweatshirt and my jacket, which had my phone, keys and wallet in it.  I also had a bag over my shoulder.  All of those things were on the scale with me, but there was nothing I could do about it.  I told her that we are never doing that again.  I tried to convince her that I don't need to be weighed, that it's stupid, but she didn't agree with that.

No WIF, WIM, WIT, WIW, or whatever we call it these days because I'll only be seeing her on Monday.  We'll see what happens next time.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

People to the rescue

I was supposed to get weighed yesterday, but as Marcia Brady once said, "Something suddenly came up."  Let me explain the situation first.  Charro has two offices, the office I see her at, and where she works in the outpatient program.  I used to see her in that office once a week because she only had the other office one day a week.  That is the office with the scale and that's where I'd get weighed.  The office I see her at does not have a scale, so she brought her own in and tried to weigh me on it last week.  We know how that turned out.  It didn't work on the carpet in her office so she had to take me out into the waiting room.  I just loved that.  Ha.  Clearly there wasn't anyone out there.  Oh, and she's supposed to buy a piece of wood to put the scale on, in hopes that that will work for getting weighed in the office.

Yesterday, it was time to get weighed and I told her that I wasn't going out there.  She said, "Let's go" and I said, "You have to check to see if anyone is out there."  She opened the door and there were people out there so she said, "You lucked out.  There are people out there."  YES!!  NO WIM for me yesterday.  She's going to try again on Thursday.  I'm not sure if she's going to buy a board and try that or if she's going to make me go out in the waiting room again.  Honestly, I don't think the board will work, she's skeptical too.  She also can't keep making me go out into the waiting room, and she's aware of that.  I don't want to have to go to the other office, but if she can't weigh me here, I might have to.  Blah.

OH, this was awkward.  I walked into her office and she was like, "Can you see this?" and pointed to her boob.  She said, "I spilled tea on it so I had to wash it off."  So she was wearing a white sweater, which was now soaking wet because she tried to wash the tea off, and asked me to look at it.  Um ya, a little awkward, I'm not going to lie.

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

That was a funny one

Charro weighed me in her office yesterday.  She tried to weigh me in this office once but it didn't work at all because of the carpet.  Anyway, she thought she'd give it another shot so I wouldn't have to go to her other office to get weighed.  

She plopped the scale down and told me to hop on.  I got on and I weighed 29 pounds.  I just started laughing, as did she, and I said, "I hope I can make it home okay at this weight."  LOL!  So she said, "Let's try it over here."  She put it down, I got on and I weighed 52 pounds.  HA!  So then she moved it once again and I got on and I weighed 41 pounds.  She said it worked before but after this she said, "I guess I was thinking in kilos."  She said, "We're going to have to go outside."  She opened the door and looked and went out and put it down in the waiting room.  I put my shoes back on and went out there, hopped on and hopped off.  I was surprisingly higher than I thought I'd be, so if I can make that work for next week, I should be okay.

That was probably the funniest WIF I've ever had.

Thursday, November 03, 2016


WIT (weigh in Thursday) did not happen because Charro didn't have her scale.  Apparently we will have WIM instead.  Let's see if the board and the scale work on Monday, and if she even has the scale.  If the board and scale don't work on the carpet, we'll have to go into the bathroom together.  FUN!

Monday, October 31, 2016

I won't abandon you

I saw Charro today.  I'm supposed to have WIF on Friday and if I'm not 104.5 on her scale, then "we have to take a break."  I sent her an email last night telling her that I didn't think I'd be able to get there.  It was a short email, but I guess it was to the point because today she told me that she "would not 'fire' me, to use your words.  I got your email and don't want to abandon you.  I want to help you.  I will give you until November 17th to do this.  Do you think you can do this?"  

I thought that was really very nice of her.  She cares!  I mean, I know she cares, but this really showed it.  She's going to try weighing me in our regular office too, which means she has to get some wood and bring her scale.  The wood is to put the scale on because she has carpet in there.  If that doesn't work, we'll have to go into the bathroom together.  Woo hoo!!  So, the new WIF will be this Thursday.  We'll see how it goes.

Friday, October 28, 2016


I had WIF last Friday.  It didn't go well, but I expected that because my eating on vacation was not great.  That wasn't my fault.  I spent much of the time driving around to soccer games and practices.  Anyway, I have until next Friday to gain weight.  I may have lost more weight this week while I away on business, but I can't tell because my scale is all messed up.  Regardless, I have a lot of weight to gain before Friday and I'm pretty certain that I won't be the weight Charro says I need to be at.  She gave me good reasons why I need to be that weight, although I don't think it would make a difference in my life.  She said we're done if I'm not at that weight.  She said she was going to make me take everything out of my pockets.  Last week, my wallet and phone were in my sweatshirt pockets.  I wasn't trying to hide them from her and after she weighed me she said, "You have your phone and stuff in your pockets too." I said, "Yes, my phone and wallet."  She told me that all layers are coming off next week and that she was going to make me wear a robe.  I said, "I'm not wearing a robe" and she said, "I can't make you wear a robe anyway."  This is going to be fun!  I told her to have a box of tissues ready for when I cry for not making WIF.  She's certain I will make it, but she thinks I'm 2.5 lbs away.  I think I'm a lot more than that.  I wish my damn scale would work.  Yesterday it said I was 94 lbs, which I know is wrong.  That was the lowest number it gave me, but it gave me about 5 other numbers and they were all in a 4 pound range.  I think it got wet and messed up when our toilets overflowed a few weeks ago.  I was not here for that.  I guess we'll see what happens.  She said she could WIF me in our regular office, but I'd have to go into the hall by the elevator.  I told her that that is NOT happening.  I'll go to the stupid other office.  My other option was to go to my doctor, but I'm not doing that.  "Hi, I have an ED and need to get weighed."  No thanks.

How could I forget this.  Charro goes, "Why don't you ask your mom if she can sew some rocks into your pants?"  I said, "Ya so I can walk around looking like I have a load in my pants."  She said, "some people stick quarters up their...".  I told her that I would not be sticking anything up anything.  That's a lot of quarters!

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

WIF next Friday

Charro keeps pushing WIF.  So, next Friday we will have WIF.  I'm going away so she's like, "We need to WIF you when you get back."  Um, okay.  I said, "Good because I'm going to starve myself while I'm away."  (I was joking).  I did suggest that we have breakfast too, and she really liked that idea.  Of course I think it's a good idea because I'll be eating right before WIF. :)  There is a method to my madness.

Crap, I need to get some pants hemmed.  I bought them in March and have not gotten them shortened yet.  Ugh, I don't know why that's such a chore, but it is.  It's like taking off nail polish, it takes two seconds but for some reason it's hard to get me to do.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Sweaty HRM

I ran to my sesh with Charro on Monday.  Of course I wore my heart rate monitor.  I was sitting there talking and Charro says, "I can see your heart rate monitor."  I said, "Huh?"  She said "I can see it under your shirt."  Well, no  you can't because it's not under my shirt.  She said, "It's in your bag then."  I said, "Yep, you want it?"  I knew she wouldn't take it because it was sweaty and smelly.  I said, "It's sweaty and smelly.  You can have it."  She wouldn't take it.  HA!  I knew she wouldn't take it because it was gross, which is why I offered it up to her. :)

She brought me some pumpkin bread from Starbucks too.  That was my surprise snack.  It was fine, but my pumpkin bread is better. :)  She said, once again, that she's going to bring me whole milk to drink.  YUCK.  I don't know anyone over 12 who drinks milk.  We'll see when that happens.

Monday, October 03, 2016

WIF or doctor

The sun has not been out since last Monday.  Yuck!  We need rain, but it's not even raining, it's just damp and gloomy.

Charro is all of a sudden into weighing me again.  Last week she said how I'm going to have to come in for WIF soon.  She started to figure out dates and never mentioned this Friday, which is really the only Friday I'm here all month.  She said if I didn't want to come in for WIF I could call my doctor and have her fax my weight to her.  Um, that's NOT going to happen.  She didn't say I had to go get weighed again, just that she had to fax my weight to her.  I got weighed last month by her when I went for my physical so what good would that do?  Regardless, my doctor is not getting involved in this.  

I go on vacation next Friday.  I get back from that and go away for work for 4 days, so I don't think WIF will happen, or she'll forget that she wants to WIF me.  That could happen too. :)

I want some sunshine!

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Stairmaster at the doctor

I like to write down my dreams on here so I remember them.  So here's another from last night.  Once again, Charro will love it.

I was at the doctor's office in the waiting room and it was packed with people.  They had chairs set up, like they normally do, but they also had cardio equipment.  So, I don't think I was there to see a doctor but was there to work out.  Bizarre, I know.  There were two anorexic girls sitting in the seats near the stairmaster I hopped on.  (I hate the stairmaster, by the way).  I think the mom of one was there too.  Anyway I saw that Charro was there too so I took off the watch to my heart rate monitor and hid it under a magazine or towel that I had on the machine.  A little of the pink band was sticking out and Charro saw it and came over and tried to grab it.  It fell and I jumped off and onto the ground and laid on it, holding it.  She tried to get it away from me but I wouldn't let go. 

I woke up and then had a continuation of the dream that went like this...

I was at my house, which was apparently a treatment center, at least my kitchen was, and there were others there.  We were outside on the deck eating our meal.  The big wig doctor where Charro works was there.  She was making sure we were eating and doing okay.  My first meal there was a breeze and I thought it would've been much harder.  There must have been an arcade around because I was collecting the gold tokens that you put into the machines.  I don't really remember what else was going on, but I remember Dr. A. being around and monitoring our food and stuff.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Sitting on laps

I had a dream that I took one of my kitties to Charro with me, because I thought I was taking her home with me right after, but then I realized that I had time to go back to my place and get her before going home.  I got her there and we were about to start our sesh when this lady walked in.  I'm not sure if Charro was about to weigh me or make me eat, but the lady walked in to get something and I was like, "What the heck?!"

After that I ended up at a table with Charro and she was making me eat.  We sat down and there was a person in between us, so she made the guy move so she could sit next to me an monitor me.  I was mortified because there were a lot of people at the table and many of them I knew and I did not want them to see me being forced to eat by someone.  

I remember that I wasn't hungry and she was making me eat a lot.  I wasn't doing a good job of eating and I was so worried about my friends now knowing what was going on.  I wasn't eating so she picked me up, literally, and put me on her lap.  It was incredibly awkward...Incredibly!  I sat there very uncomfortably and didn't eat and she said, "You're 38 and sitting on my lap."  I said, "That's exactly what I was about to say and this is not normal."  I then got off because it was just weird.

I guess I woke up after that.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Heart Rate Monitor again

I ran to my sesh with Charro today.  She was like, "Why are you wearing that watch?"  I said, "What do you want me to wear, my nice silver one?"  She said, "Just don't wear one."  I said, "I can't leave the house without a watch, I feel naked."  That is 100% true.  Then she asked me if I was still wearing my heart rate monitor and I said yes.  She asked me if I had it on now and I said no, because I didn't.  She asked me if I wore it today and I said yes, I could've lied, and then she said "Give it to me."  I said no.  I should have handed it to her because it was all sweaty and she would've been so grossed out, but then I'd never get it back.  So then we had the HRM discussion and she wants me to give it to her on Thursday but I won't.  She wants a pros/cons list for it as well.  There really aren't any cons or pros, I just wear it.  So, I will make the list and not bring her my HRM on Thursday.  She won't be thrilled.

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

The new doc

I went for a physical today with my new doctor.  (My old one, whom I loved, moved).  Anyway, I wanted to pee in a cup before they weighed me, but that didn't happen.  Oh well.  The lady told me I was an inch taller than  I am and I got excited.  I made a comment on how I'm growing and then she corrected herself.  I told her that she ruined my day.

I went into the little room and waited for my new doctor.  I knew she was young because I googled her.  She walked in and she was shorter than I thought she was going to be and looked really young, but older too, which I know makes no sense, but it does to me.  I've never seen legs quite as white as hers either.  She didn't look like she looked in the picture I saw of her online.  

Anyway, she came in and she looked over my chart and went over my medical history.  She asked if there was any other health issues that she should know about.  I told her that I have "eating stuff."  Of course that's the most clear answer one can give someone.  Ha!  She obviously wanted to know what I meant, so I said, "restricting, but it's fine.  It's not really an issue."  She asked what I was doing for it and I said, "I see someone for it."  She asked how often.  She asked if this was an ongoing thing and I said, "Ya, over 20 years."  She said, "I'm glad you're getting help for it."  Um, okay!  Oh ya, how could I forget this.  She looked at my weight on the paper and she said she'd have to calculate my BMI (It's totally in the normal range) and then she said that I "look healthy."  I loved that one.  That subject ended and she asked if I work out and what I do for working out.  I told her I do and that I teach aerobics, play sports and work out.  She said that I probably walk a lot, being in NYC and I said that I do.  

Anyway, she was nice.  Had a flimsy handshake and was not as cool as my other doctor, but she'll do.  She said I could schedule my physical for next year, if I knew my schedule and wanted to.  Um, I'll wait, thanks.  I'll go see her again, but you can totally tell she's young and new.  Oh ya, and what the heck do they do at a physical anyway because not much was done?  I have to go for a my blood work next time I'm home, which won't be for a few weeks.

Friday, September 02, 2016

So full

Just got back with from my sesh with Charro.  I woke up really early and was hungry so I had some cereal.  I knew Charro was bringing me breakfast but I thought I'd still be hungry enough to eat it.  Well, I was kind of wrong there.  She brought me a huge bagel with lots of peanut butter.  I was so full by the time I got half way through it I thought I was going to die.  It took me the whole 50 minutes to eat it, which it would not have taken me if I was hungry.  Oh, let's not forget to mention the fact that peanut butter is not the easiest thing to swallow because it gets stuck in your mouth and throat so you have to continuously drink something.  Anyway, I wanted to throw because I was so full.  I actually didn't even give one thought to calories or fat or anything, I was just so disgustingly full.

I told Charro that I wasn't going to pass WIF.  She asked why and I told her that I lost a little weight.  She told me I was going to have to go back next week to have WIF again then.  Then she said, "Well, we'll see what it is and then we'll decide."  I got lucky, it was not bad at all.  I was 1 pound less than what she says I need to be.  Either my scale at home is wrong or that bagel weighed 50 pounds, which I think is more likely the case based on how my stomach feels right now.  She didn't make me stand backwards either.  I was prepared for the worst and it wasn't the case.  Eating the bagel completely sucked for no other reason than how full I was.

I have to make a dessert.  I'm having company tonight.

Thursday, September 01, 2016

Fessing up, here comes WIF

WIF tomorrow.  It's not going to go well at all.  At least Charro is bringing breakfast for us (or for me) tomorrow, I'm not really sure.  That will help push the scale up a bit.  I'm just going to fess up and tell her that I lost a bunch weight so maybe she won't be so hard on me.  I'm thinking that after I eat and drink some water, it won't be as bad as it is, but still not where she wants it to be.  I'm not really worried about it at this point.  I don't care.  

I'm not even trying to lose weight.  I'm eating things I would never eat, but I think I've just been stressed and I know that has something to do with it.  

Let's take guesses as to what Charro will bring me for breakfast.  I'm guessing it's going to be a muffin.  Let's be honest, a 700 calorie muffin is not the healthiest option in the world, and I'm not fond of the pointless calorie breakfast, which is why she'll probably bring it.  

I'm sure I'll have something to say tomorrow after my sesh.  I may be very pissed off if she refuses to see me after tomorrow.  We shall see.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Ham sandwich

Last night I had a dream that I went to my sesh with Charro and she was running late.  I was supposed to run in a race downtown but missed it because she was late.  I was at the race and we were all waiting for it to get organized and start and my brother came up to me to tell me that somebody called about my car, because it was parked in a parking lot, and that they were going to do something and I had to call them back.  Not sure what that was.  Then I left to go see Charro.  I got there and she let me know she was running an hour late.  Our sesh was now at 5:20 PM on the roof of a building.  It was Fall and it was getting dark out.  I was looking over the roof and saw her walking in with snacks for me.  It looked like a box of chocolates, but when she got up to the roof, seeming a bit disheveled, it was actually a sandwich.  We sat down and unwrapped the sandwiches and I looked at her and said, "You know there's ham on here."  She said, "Ya, just take it off," then proceeded to open my sandwich and take off the ham.  There was salami on there too, so we took that off and I said, "You know I'm just eating tomato and bread now?"  She said yes.  There was a ton of mayo on there too, which I've always found repulsive.   We started eating and I started telling her how I was missing my race.  She wanted to know why I was running it if I hate running.  That's all I remember.

Snack day tomorrow.  Yuck. I'm not sure if it's going to be whole milk and a muffin or french fries.  Doesn't matter really, both suck, but I won't be eating dinner after that because I'll be getting on a train.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

A snack and WIF

Next week's going to be fun.  Charro told me that she can't see me on Thursday next week and said that I could come on WIF instead.  (Different office with a scale)  Well, I do not want to get weighed and I do not want to go there.  I told her that I wasn't going to go, I didn't make a big deal about it, I just said that I wasn't going to go because I didn't know what I had going on.  She was like, "So you just won't come that second time and forego it?  I said, "Yep."  She said, "I'm putting you down so I don't give it to someone else."  I said, "You can give it to someone else.  I'm not coming."  Then she said, "Now you're making me suspicious."  At that point I told her that I was just messing with her so she would stop being suspicious.  Truth is, I've lost a little bit of weight and there's no way that I'm not going to get into some trouble if I go to WIF, but if I don't go, then she'll know I'm not going because I don't want to get weighed.  So really, I'm just screwed.

Monday Charro is bringing me a snack.  Can't wait for that either.  Before I knew there, I told her that I might do a phone sesh instead because I might go home.  That's when she said she was going to bring my snack.  Oh fun fun.  I asked if she had an earlier time but she doesn't.

In other news, I moved.  I'm not happy or settled yet.  Hopefully that will change.  My job is changing too.  I'm apparently getting a promotion and a lot bigger territory to cover.  So, I've had absolutely no stress in my life over the past month or two.  Ugh.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

"The Perfect Snack"

I asked Charro if we could do a phone sesh on Monday because I won't be around.  She said she was planning on surprising me with my snack on Monday because Mondays are easier for her and she found the "perfect snack."  Great!!  I'm sure it's a stupid container of whole milk and a muffin.  I told her I'd "Come hungry and leave happy."  I don't know what that's a commercial for, maybe McDonalds.  If I'm eating a muffin and drinking whole milk at 5 PM, I definitely won't be eating dinner.  I'll be full 9 days.

That's all.  She'll have to surprise me another day.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Your hair is disastrous

Charro was off her rocker yesterday.  As she said, "I didn't even have a Coke."  (She says that because one time she had a Coke and was in rare form).  She was nuts, but funny.  

So I'm sitting there and she chimes in with this...

"What's going on with your hair?  I think you should just go to brown.   But is it also white?  I'm sorry, I just need to figure this out.  I've never quite seen you looking like this before."

Me - "Do I ask you if yours is white?"
"You can.  Your hair looks crazy.  I think you need to be aware that your hair is a disaster.  (laughing hysterical).  It looks interesting.  I'm just letting you know that it's time to go to a hair place.  Why do you have to wait two weeks?"

So that was our hair discussion.  She also told me I could change my day, if moving got in the way, and go to her other office and have WIF.  Clearly, that is NOT going to happen.  I can't be WIFFED right now, that would not be good.

She tried to convince me that I could handle driving and having my car in NYC.  NO THANK YOU!!  That's not happening.  She told me that alternate side parking is fun and that I could meet someone and then she said, "That's how I met my husband."  I said, "Really?" and she said, "No."

I learned she is having two BBQs this weekend.  I told her it's going to be really hot.  It's going to feel like 110 degrees with the heat index.  So, as I was leaving I told her not to melt and that she should just put her bathing suit on and run through the hose.  She said, "I would look pretty weird with people over and I'm in my bathing suit sitting on a hose."  Then she realized what she said and started laughing.  I laughed and just walked out.  She nuts.  I love it.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Food challenge time

Yesterday Charro decided that it's time for another food challenge.  Woo hoo!  We don't see each other at a time that's good for meals, so that's out of the question, plus the area we're in doesn't have much around it.  She did say that our old time, noon, was much better for these, but oh well.  She said she's not going to tell me when it's happening, she'll just surprise me.  I said, "It doesn't matter because most of the time something comes up and you can do it when you say you're going to anyway."  I'll just make sure I show up hungry for the next few weeks in case she springs something on me.  Lord, let it not be french fries a muffin.  I guess the problem isn't really eating there, but when I get home I will not want dinner and I know she's going to make me go home and eat dinner and take a picture of it and send it to her so she knows I'm eating it.  We'll see what happens.  I'm not freaking out about it all.  A few years ago I would have been but now I don't really care.

She did say something about how I'd have to eat a lot more if I was in residential treatment.  I said, "I know and I would freak out about that."  I would lose it if that were the case, but it's not so I'm okay.

It's beautiful out so I'm going to go for a run.  I don't want to but I will.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Horses and Houses

Last night I had a dream that I was in a treatment program, but it was a house on a ranch and we went from 9 AM until 4 PM.  It had people with all sorts of issues like drugs and alcohol and EDs.  One of my friends was there, apparently she had a drug problem, I think, but it wasn't bad, but at one point in my dream, she and this other girl were making themselves throw up.  

So I ended up at this place, I'm not sure how, but I didn't really want to be there.  I went and I think I ate what I was supposed to, but I don't really remember, but I remember not wanting to get weighed because they were going to see that I weighed less than I was supposed to. 

It was cold outside, like it was late Fall or winter.  We were going outside to ride horses and I was surprised they were going to let me ride because it was "exercise."  I told the guy that I shouldn't ride because I had a lot of concussions and he said, "What like 8 or 9?"  I said, "actually, yes, I've had 8."  I got on the horse and went really slow around and around the area.  I got off and was talking to some of the girls about the program.  I asked them what I was going to tell my parents about where I was and they said that they already know because all parents get informed about it.  We went inside to watch a movie and at this point it was dark out.  Then it was time to leave and I was up to something, not sure what, but I went outside with two of the girls, one of them being my friend, and we walked through the stables.  I think my clothes got wet so I wanted to change them, but I'm not really sure.  We ran into one of the guys working in the stable and I we didn't want him to see us for some reason.  I was running around outside a little, so maybe that's what I didn't want him to see.  I thought I was going to get yelled at for running.

It was a weird dream and I can't put it all together to make sense of it, but that was about it.

Thursday, July 21, 2016


Trying to find a roommate in NYC sucks!!  I'm about ready to give up and just move back home.  

The end.

Saturday, July 02, 2016

Subway girl and dreams

I got on the subway and sat down, not paying any attention to who I was next to.  I was sitting there, tired and annoyed, when I heard weird chewing next to me.  I looked over and it was this extremely anorexic girl eating a Subway sandwich.  She chewed that tuna and veggie sandwich in such a strange, disordered way.  I didn't even have to see her to know she had an ED, I could just tell by her chewing and her way of eating.

At first I wasn't even sure it was a girl, because she was so bone thing and I couldn't really tell, but then I saw her finger nails and knew.  I felt bad for her.  I wondered if she was going to puke it up as soon as she got off of the train.  I wanted to stare, but that would have been awkward.

Last night I had a dream.  I think I had walked into Charro's office where she works at the outpatient clinic, but I'm not sure if that's where I was or not.  I was probably going to see her and while I was waiting for her, this other therapist approached me.  She told me to come in.  I think I knew her prior to this meeting, possibly from one of my friends who worked there or from seeing her there before when I went to see Charro.  Anyway, I went in and sat on the floor in between her desk and this other therapist's desk.  (They sat with their backs towards each other).  They both turned their chairs around to talk to me, although just the one to my right was talking, the other was just sitting there listening.  I saw this other girl come in and get weighed outside the cubicle, by another therapist, and the lady I was talking to said, "We're going to do that too."  I reached for my bottle of water and she pulled it away from me.  She wouldn't let me drink anything because she didn't want a false weight.  Ugh.  I was annoyed.  She started asking me questions and presenting me with things that I had said or done.  There were 10 different ones.  She pulled out one of my food logs.  It was circled in red and in red it said, "250 calories."  She showed it to me and said, "Look, see what you're eating?"  I said, "That was from 1994!! I eat more than that now."  I couldn't believe she was showing me something over 20 years old.  Then she said to me, "And you don't enjoy sex."  I laughed and said, "I've never, ever discussed sex with anyone, so I don't know where you came up with that one."  They were making all of this crap up and pulling stuff up from years ago to try and get me to go inpatient.  It wasn't working.  I was annoyed and kind of thought it was funny, and then I woke up.  I wonder how things ended.

I hate when I have people stay with me and their still sleeping and I can't turn on the TV or do the things I need to do before I leave here, which is in 30 minutes.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Long weekend time

Week one without Charro and all is well, just as I expected it to be.  I was insanely busy with work this week, so I'm glad I didn't have to be here to see Charro because I wouldn't have been able to do it.  She's back two weeks from today and I'm not missing paying her, that's for sure.

I haven't been on my computer much over the past few weeks.  It's too nice out and I've been busy with family and work and enjoying summer!!  

I need to kick my workouts of about 10 notches.  I really, really need to.  I started playing field hockey again, so maybe that will help a little, although I'm hesitant because I don't want to injure my head.

I've been weighing myself, not a ton, but I weighed myself this morning and yesterday.  It's totally fine.  Charro thought I was weighing myself every week, but I was not, mainly because I don't want to lie to her when she asks me how much I weigh.  So yes, my reason for not weighing myself is probably not the best, but at least it keeps me from lying about my weight.

I have no idea what the anchor is weighing on the news, but it's awful!  That's all I have to say.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Buon Viaggio

Charro leaves for Italy tomorrow so I won't see her again until July 14th.  I'm fine with that.  She told me that Kruger will be covering for her, in case I need anything.  She was joking (because she knows I'll never go see her), but not about her covering for Charro.  Ugh, Kruger!!!  She's the worst.

Charro said that I need to eat 800 calories for dinner because I didn't eat a lot today.  Phfa (that'st he sound I just made), like that's going to happen.  I didn't not eat a lot on purpose, and I actually would have eaten something before I saw her but I went from the train to her.  It's actually not an excuse, and I didn't realize how few calories I ate until she pointed it out to me.  Oh well, I'm not concerned.  I'm starving and making dinner right now.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Lady products

Charro and I were discussing my colonoscopy.  I was going on and on about how awful the stuff they make you drink is.  She didn't think it was that bad and couldn't understand how I thought that was the worst part of the whole procedure.  I was expecting a salty lemony flavored beverage, since that's what I had the last time, but much to my surprise, it was cherry salty flavored.  YUCK!!  I drank the whole first round but only got about 2/3 through the second.  Luckily I was all cleaned out so I didn't have to go back and drink the rest.  It's SOOO awful.  The after affects and the procedure itself are not big deal at all.  I think I heard my doctor say that I have to have another one in three years, but I was all drugged up so I'm hoping I misheard that.  I can't do it again.  They need a better way to clean us out.  Can't they put that crap in a pill form?!

Anyway, I was discussing this with Charro and she said how it could be so much worse, that I could have crohn's and have to have an NG tube or something.  Then she went on to say that her colleague has crohn's and is currently wearing "lady products."  Then she said, "Lady products.  That's what he calls them." I was A).  Not expecting her to say that it was a man, and B).  Can't believe she actually told me any of that.  Weird.

Charro leaves for Italy on Thursday so I'll be free for three weeks. :)  

I weighed myself before my colonoscopy, after a day of not eating and cleaning myself out.  I was fine with the number, Charro would have freaked out on me.  They didn't weigh me before the procedure and thought I weighed 5 pounds more than I did so I think I had more propofol than I needed.  I know the anesthesiologist gave me more, too, because I told him that I had woken up during my last one.  He said, "I'll make sure that doesn't happen."  It didn't.  I was out of it for a little bit after they woke me up.

My little kitties are stinking cute.  He's hysterical and she's a sweetie.  I took them to the vet the other day and she was shaking, she was so scared.  I was holding her and she was curled up in my arms shaking so much.  Poor baby.

I need to water my plants.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

FFJ destruction

I just destroyed two of my FFJs, which consisted of me ripping out the pages and soaking them in my sink with dish detergent so they'd get blurry and soft so I could smoosh them all together so they couldn't be read.  I think I have about 9 more left.  I was reading one of them, which I'm not ready to destroy.  I'm really not ready to destroy any of them but my fear is that something will happen to me and someone will find them and read them.  I'd be mortified (if I was alive to be mortified).  I'm also trying to get rid of stuff, since I'll be moving. It's not like 10 FFJs is going to make a big difference in a move, but I don't want anyone to find them.  

I have two more weeks of Charro before she leave for Italy for 3 weeks.  I'll spend a lot of time at home during that time, enjoying my pool and working.  I'm sure the kittens will be happy.  They love sitting in the window and watching the animals outside.

I weighed myself a bunch of times, a few weeks ago.  Last week Charro asked me when the last time I weighed myself was.  I told her.  She said, "So you're weighing yourself every week?"  I said, "No, I'm not.  I haven't weighed myself in while."  That was the truth.  She asked me what I weighed and I didn't really have to lie about it.  The first time I weighed myself I weighed what she wanted me to.  It changed after that, but I gave her the first number.  A bit deceptive, but whatever.

I have cat toys EVERYWHERE.  They have taken over my place, and I'm okay with that. :)  Both are asleep on my bed right now.  They're getting big.

Charro will be thrilled to learn that I destroyed two of my FFJs.

Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Ass chat

I'm a pro when it comes to colonoscopies...Not really, I've only had one, but I'm gearing up for my second.  Charro had one about 6 months ago and she asked me if she could start drinking the stuff on the train.  (She has about a 30 minute train ride, I think).  I said, "ON THE TRAIN!!!!  NOOOO, YOU CAN'T DRINK THAT ON THE TRAIN!!!"  She said, "Do I have to be close to home?"  I said, "CLOSE TO HOME??!!!  YOU HAVE TO BE CLOSE TO YOUR TOILET!!!!  Throw on some sweatpants and stay close to the bathroom."  Ha.  That still cracks me up.  She joked with me, yesterday, and asked if I was going to drink the stuff in her office.  The worst part of the whole process is literally drinking that stuff.  It tastes HORRIBLE!!  The thought of having something stuck up your ass is also not very lovely, but at least you're asleep for it.  I try not to think about it.

I heard on the news that propofol is the "truth drug."  Ugh, let's hope I don't decide to spill any secrets, like that fact that I've had an ED for 23 years.

Thursday, June 02, 2016

Green blob

I totally could have gone to see Charro this morning after she cancelled yesterday.  For some reason I thought she was going to be in her office with the scale, so I didn't suggest seeing her, and she thought I was going to be out of town.  So, we facetimed.  It was fine but I totally could have gone to see her. 
I told her that my stomach resembles this...

That is the green mucus blob from some commercial.  When I told her that my stomach looks like this she responded with , "I love that guy."  Well, I don't and I don't want my stomach to look like that.

I went for a run in the park last night, since I was going to run to my sesh but obviously didn't.  It was surprisingly a good run.  I just need to keep doing it so I get better at it.  It sucks that I used to be good at running and then I lost all of that when I had to stop doing it for a while because of my head.  I'm not getting any younger either, so that doesn't help.

I need to pack up my crap, I have a work thing to go to.

Wednesday, June 01, 2016


Last week I told Charro that we should watch and ED movie during my sesh that way I can explain to her, throughout the movie, what it is that I like about them.  She was surprisingly okay with that idea, if I thought it would be helpful.  It might be, but I don't know so I'm not going to waste my time sitting there watching a movie with her.

I'm looking forward to my sesh today.  I feel like I have stuff to talk about, which is always a good thing.  

This weather is freaking awesome!!!  I LOVE IT!!  That's all.  I freaking love summer more than anything, except for Christmas time.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Weird dream about therapist friend

I had a dream about this woman who is sort of my friend.  I met her through another friend when we all went away for my friend's birthday.  So, we were together for a week and I ended up sitting next to her on the flight there and back.  Anyway, she's an ED therapist, that's the important part of the story.  She's much older than I am, so it's not like I'm going to hang out with her, besides, I'm not too sure I like her.  She's very flaky.

Anyway, I had a dream I was going to her office, for I'm not sure what.  I got there and in the waiting room were two really cute puppies.  One was blue (I know, odd) and the other was gray.  I asked her if I could bring one in and she said no because they would miss each other.  I put him down and went into her office.  I think I was just there to shoot the shit, but I remember being a little nervous and afraid that someone I knew would see me there.  I had a hooded sweatshirt on with the hood pulled over my head.  We sat and on office (rolling) chairs and started chatting a little.  A food delivery came and she said, "I didn't order that," and then her office mate came and got it.  We were sitting there and she asked how I was doing and of course I said, "Fine."  She asked how my eating was and I said, "fine."  Then she said, "So tell me about the ice cream and throwing up."  I looked at her and said, "I don't do that.  I don't throw up."  I stumbled in my speech because it wasn't totally the truth, but it was sort of.  She somehow knew that when I was in high school I would eat a couple bites of ice cream and then throw myself over the sink to try and make myself get rid of those few bites.  

The next thing I knew there was some weird trick being played where she was sitting on both sides of me at the same time.  It was so weird.  I knew only one of her was real and the other was so sort of projection of her (like a literal visual projection, like a screen).  

That's really all I remember.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Thanksgiving dinner with Charro

I had a random dream last night.  I dreamt that I was having Thanksgiving dinner with Charro and her family.  She and her husband and her kids were at my house and we were sitting in the dining room eating dinner.  I was very uncomfortable with the situation for a few reasons.  First of all, they were doing dinner wrong.  We always start off with the pasta and then go from there with all of the rest of the food.  Well, she had put little slices of turkey on everyone's plates and sauce drizzled over it and gave it to us all.  I don't eat turkey, so that was the first thing that was the problem.  Then, all of a sudden, they started saying grace.  I wasn't ready for that because we usually hold hands.  After, I looked at her and asked her where the rest of the food was.  Then I stood up and went into the kitchen and turned off all of the lights in there, looked into the family room and thought about my Christmas tree, then went back into the dining room and turned on the dining room light and sat back down.  I don't think I ate the turkey.  I just kept thinking about how they were doing dinner all wrong and that it must be a cultural thing.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Lots of ED chatter

My parents brought up EDs a thousand times in two days.  I was home and sitting at the table Tuesday morning and my mom was reading the newspaper.  On the front page was an article about a new ED clinic that opened up last week 2 miles from my house.  My mom said, "An eating disorder clinic opened up on (street name)."  No one responded.  About 5-10 minutes later my dad said, "Ginger Zee was anorexic.  She talked about it on DWTS last night.  Her parents got divorced and then it started."  Once again, no response from me.  A few minutes later he started reading the article in the paper and was reading it out loud.  He was spouting out facts like, "Did you know that 20 million people suffer from eating disorders?"  (Not sure if that number is right but I don't remember what it was).  Then he asked if bulimia is when people eat a lot and throw up.  I said, "Yes."  He asked why and if they lose weight doing that and I said, "No, it doesn't really do anything."  I don't remember what else was said.  Oh ya, then he told me that I should read the article.  So, that was that until the next morning when there was an article about Ginger and her ED in the newspaper.  He said, "There's an article about Ginger and her eating disorder in the paper."  There was also a segment on GMA about her too, but I was upstairs getting dressed during that, thank God.

So, that was my fun two mornings at home.  Of course I never talk to them about any of this stuff and that's how I like it.  If they want to ask me something, they should just ask.

Thursday, May 12, 2016


I've got BIB...Body Image Blues.  I just made that one up and I like it.  It seems like I go through waves of hating my body and then being okay with it.  Right now I'm in the hating it stage so if you don't want to hear about it, don't read it.

There's nothing Charro can say to me that will get me out of feeling/thinking the way I do.  I'm unwilling to "challenge" my thoughts, so there is where I stay.  Part of me wants to be a little bit skeletal.  Not disgusting, by any means, but definitely more bony.  I want to run more and melt away the fat on my body.  Charro keeps telling me that I'm not fat, I've never been fat, and I'll never be fat, but that doesn't really matter to my brain.  I may not be "fat," but I'm not as skinny as I'd like to be.  I guess the difference between now and then is that now I don't really do anything to get there...aka starve myself.  I guess that's a good thing, even though sometimes I think it's not.  Sometimes I think I was much stronger when I didn't eat.  I could probably get into that more, but I have to walk out my door in 3 minutes.

Monday, May 09, 2016


Last night I had a dream that Charro was pregnant with twins.  I guess I was on my way to a group sesh, but I don't really know, but it was in the building where I teach.  I got there and there were like 10 others sitting around the table with me.  Charro pulled up her computer and showed us a bunch of pictures, one of which was her ultrasound.  She said, "Look, two thumbs up."  (the babies were holding their thumbs up).  Someone said, "You're having twins?!"  I said, "I had a dream two weeks ago that you were pregnant."  I was upset about it and wondering who I was going to see while she was gone.  I decided that I wasn't going to see anyone.  I also decided that I didn't like group therapy.  I said I didn't like being there and talking with all of those people around.  

I left there and ran into this girl who works with Charro.  It's actually someone who I've met in real life a few times and have actually been to her house.  She was giving me the inside scoop on Charro and we were discussing her pregnancy.

So, that was my dream.  I'm ready for bed right now, actually.

Thursday, May 05, 2016

Tidal wave

There's nothing better than having a huge fat roll roll over your shorts, like a tsunami rolls over an entire city, while you're doing abs.  Yes,  I will be running at the gym tomorrow.

Winky eye

I was having serious contact problems with my left eye during my sesh today.  I guess I've been having contact issues all day.  I put them both in my right eye, which was the first problem, but realized it as soon as I did it.  Anyway, when I got into Charro's office my left contact was weird, so of course I kept rubbing it, which didn't help the situation.  When she has contact issues she always says, "I'm not winking at you."  So I threw that one out there today.

I complained about my jeans, which isn't uncommon.  She told me not to shift around.

We're doing a phone sesh on Monday because I won't be here.  I told her to call me and said, "You've got my number, right?"  (I was joking because I know she does).  She said, "Your cell?"  I said, "No, call my house and I'll put you on speaker so I can have my parents join in."  :)  

I need a kitty cam so I can see what my rugrats do when I'm not home.  They're fast asleep right now and I need to go out soon.  I hope they run around so they're tired tonight.

Monday, May 02, 2016

Dirty glasses

Why is it that my glasses are constantly dirty?  It's really annoying.  That's all about that.

I have no idea what to have for dinner, my life story.  Maybe I'll just have PBJ, although I'm not really sure what my bread situation is like, probably not so good.  Charro would tell me that that's not dinner, but Charro is not hear so I can eat what I want.  Oh, maybe I'll have oatmeal. :)

I ran today and managed to not get a headache, which is good.  Last time I ran outside and it was warm and a little humid, which I love. (It's never too hot for me but some people would say that it was hot).  I had a headache for two days after that, but then I remembered that I usually do get headaches after I run outside so maybe it's all good.  Probably still concussion related from the one I had 2 years ago.  Anyway, no headache today so that's good.  I need to start running more so I can get into shape and so my legs might look better too.  Charro would tell me that I don't even like running and that I shouldn't be doing it and that it's obsessive.  She's 98% right.  I do like getting outside and being in the park rather than the gym though.  

Charro says that I need to bump my milk up to 2% when I finish this carton.  I said no to that.  There's no need for 2% milk, I already bumped up to 1%.  I told her it would be like drinking whipped cream and she said, "I'll bring you in some whipped cream to drink."  I told her that was unnecessary. 

I really need to come up with some real stuff to talk about with Charro.  I'm done stressing about the apartment situation, for the moment.  That will change when I hear back from my landlord and then I will talk about that with her again.  I spent the past few seshes on that.  It's funny, I'll talk about stuff that's bothering me, but then I get sick of talking about it, like I've talked about it enough and I'm tired of hearing it so I just move on.  Like I said, I'll start stressing out about it again soon.

I feel like watching an ED movie but I need to watch Quantico.  I need to go to bed early too.

This post was stupid and the spell check on Blogger hasn't worked for a while.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Kicked out of the office

I woke up this morning and my eyes are all swollen.  I'm not sure if I have allergies or if I just have a cold.  My throat has been weird and my nose a bit stuffy/runny on and off for the past few days, but I've never had allergies before.  My eyes look awful right now though.

I did sleep because I had a few dreams, one being about Charro, of course.  I was in her office for a sesh and there was a treadmill right next to her chair.  I didn't notice it until it turned on by itself and I was like, "What's that noise?"  I looked and it was the treadmill and I said, "I'll get on it and turn it off," and she said, "No, I will."  So she got on it and started running.  All of a sudden she was wearing workout clothes.  She was in a sports bra and had a heart rate monitor strapped onto her, like one from the doctor.  I asked her what it was for and she said it was to figure out why she's getting hives.  It was suggested by an Australian doctor.  

She sat back down and we continued talking.  She told me she was going to look at me.  I wasn't quite sure what that meant.  Then she said that I had to plank and walk across the floor and she would feel my body.  She made a comment about how I was wearing really baggy clothes, which I was.  I had on fleece pajama pants and a huge sweatshirt.  She told me to stand up so she could examine me by looking at me to see my size.  Then there was this other guy in there, Ace from The Love Boat.  He was there to learn from Charro. She was his mentor.  Well, at one point he got up and started playing a keyboard and I got annoyed and got up and started dancing and then walked out.  My friend was out there so I ran and pulled her into another room to tell her what was going one, but Charro came out and found us.  When I walked back into the room she and Love Boat Ace were packing up their stuff.  I asked what happened and she said that she was kicked out of her office for being too loud.  She was upset about it.  I started packing up all of my stuff, which, for some reason, was draws of clothes.  I found a dried up lemon peel in one draw, that I apparently put in there to make it smell nice.  Pink's "Who Knew" came on the radio and I started singing, but I sounded bad because I had a cold.  Charro asked Ace to call some guy about finding her a new office and then she asked me if I wanted to go with them to find a new one.  I said sure and then I woke up.

Friday, April 22, 2016

WIF confusion

The weather here has been absolutely fantastic.  I'm going to attempt to run in the park today, we'll see how that goes.  I'm totally out of shape and will probably have to stop a bunch of times, which I'm not really okay with at all.  I think part of me is just scared that my head is going to start bothering me too, so I don't want to push myself too much.

Yesterday, Charro asked me if I had weighed myself.  I said no and then she said that we're going to have a surprise WIF.  I said, "It's not going to be a surprise at all."  She kept saying, "Yes it is."  She wasn't being clear because I never see her on Fridays, therefore we can not have a surprise Weigh-in Friday (WIF) because I would know that I would be going on a different day and to a different office.  She finally said, not WIF, but WIM or WIT.  I said, "Oh, okay."  

Anyway, she tried to weigh me in this office once before and it was a complete failure because there's carpeting and the scale doesn't work on carpet.  So, good luck trying to weigh me again in there.  She always says that she'll make me go into the bathroom or into the hall on the wood, but that is NOT going to happen.  That's a violation of my privacy to I won't let her do that to me. :)  I'm not really worried that she'll spring a scale on me anytime soon.  She says it but won't do it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Number 2

I was discussing something during my sesh yesterday, probably something related to my head, and Charro asked me if I went to the gym in the morning.  I told her that I went but was only there for 20 minutes because my head felt weird.  I then added that I also had to go to the bathroom so I left.  She goes, "You won't go to the bathroom there?"  I said, "No."  She goes, "Number 2."  (She clearly has children to say that).  I said, "Yes.  I won't go there, would you?"  It just came out of my mouth and as soon as I asked the question I thought, she'll never answer that, it just came out.  She goes, "No, but I have a problem doing that in public bathrooms."  I said, "I get it.  I do too."  I was just shocked that she actually responded to me.  It's not like anything huge, but still, I wouldn't expect her to delve into that with me.

My back and shoulders are killing me from carrying my backpack around everywhere.  I'm in desperate need of a massage.  I could also use a nap. :)

Oh, I had a dream the other night that I was waiting to go into my sesh and Charro came out and she was wearing "mom jeans."  One of my friends was there and I was trying to get her to look without being too obvious about it.  I think I was able to whisper that Charro was wearing "mom jeans."  Ha.

Thursday, April 07, 2016

9 years

Yesterday was my 9 year anniversary with Charro.  I remember the first day I went to see her, saying that I was so nervous is quite an understatement.  I was shaking like crazy!!  I've come a long way. There's still room for improvement, but that's okay.  

To celebrate our time together, I wrote this poem while I was on the train.  I think she was expecting some baked treats, but she got this instead.  All of it is true, except for the 45 offices thing, and a lot of it probably won't make sense to anyone.  Without further adieu...

The past 9 years have been so great.
Off and on we've talked about weight.
103 is where you need to be, said Charro B, so sternly.

I've turned corners with my tan.  You showed up with yellow hands. 
I sang songs not on YouTube, and accidentally flashed you my boob.

You wore red, purple and gold.
I think that was pretty bold.

We had lots of WIFs and WIFs

Many times I got pissed at you.

You even smacked me right in the face,
for turning around to check my weight.

You don't like to be the police.
I brought pizza, but just one piece.

In my FFJs you wrote Geez in a box.
I kept food logs and wore crazy socks.

You've had 45 different offices.
and tried to get rid of all my devices.

I've been on Merry-go-rounds and on and off buses.
It doesn't take coke for you to say lots of cusses.

You've pulled out your scissors and cut your hair.
The look on my face was that of despair.

I've almost been fired on several occasions.
You wear jeans when you go on vacations.

There was the TF and TFT.
I don't miss going to 51st street.

There were smokers outside of 12th.
That was not really good for our health.

I told Pedro I wanted to help decorate his tree
That's when he turned a little creepy.

Now we have stupid Eataly.
Where I often go to get water and pee.

I'm still shifty and discuss my hamthighs.
When you mention Joel, I let out a big sigh.

At least I have the urge to throw a lot less.
That's a good thing, 'cause it's kind of a mess.

A bird crapped on my head and you didn't care.
You wouldn't even help me get it out of my hair.

You weighed me in the hall and that was the worst.
You say I drink too much water, but it's just my thirst.

So many memories after 9 years.
You'd really be happy if I'd shed some tears.

If we have 9 more, we'll really be old.
In the summer the office is brutally cold.

So this concludes my little trip down memory road
I'm sure I forgot stuff, there was quite a load.

So happy 9 years, is that a good thing?
March 20th was the first day of Spring.

The early buzzer

A new lady is now seeing Charro after me on Thursdays.  I think she's only been coming for a few weeks but she's driving me insane.  Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but she bugs me a little.  She ALWAYS buzzes Charro really early.  Last week she buzzed her 10 minutes after I got there.  The first time she was there she buzzed her early and knocked on her door while I was in there.  Today she buzzed literally 2 minutes after I got in there.  There's a Starbucks right on her street corner, GO SIT IN THERE!!!  PLEASE!!  Today she buzzed twice too, so the phone rang two different times.  It's really distracting.  I usually arrive 10 minutes early, so if there is someone in there before me, they're winding down.  I just like to make sure that I'm on time and have time to go to the bathroom.  If I get there too early, I either hang out in the park or stand in the hall downstairs for a few minutes before heading up.  Please stop getting there early, lady!

Oh, Charro's going to Italy for 3 weeks this summer.  I like when she goes in the summer because then I can spend a little more time at home and in my pool!  My family will be visiting during one of those weeks too, so that will be nice.

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

Hit by a bike

So I was on my way to Charro yesterday and I was crossing the street and I got hit by a biker.  Yep.  I'm fine but I wasn't thrilled by the situation.  So if you know NYC, all the streets are one way.  I looked to the left to cross the street, because that's the direction the traffic would have been coming from if they had a green light, and then boom.  I didn't know what hit me, literally.  I had my umbrella up, and it's not small, so I don't know how the guy didn't see me.  I was coming off of the sidewalk and had to walk in front of a car, but he was going the wrong way!  He was very apologetic and nice about it but he was going the wrong way and I let him know that.  He said, "I didn't see you."  I said, "You were going the wrong way!!"  He said, "I know, it's my fault."  So he was cool about it and LUCKILY I did not get hurt or knocked to the ground.  I can't afford another head injury.

I told Charro when I got there and she thought I said that I got hit by a bus.  I said, "No, a bike!"

I have no idea what to have for dinner.  I'm making some squash but I need something else.  Eggs maybe?  How boring.

Friday, April 01, 2016

Looking back

I guess it's time to take down my Easter decorations...all 4 of them.  I was away and unpacking awaits me.

I was thinking about my high school years.  I really just didn't eat.  People had to have known, but who knows.  I don't know.  I brought lettuce for lunch.  I have away other food that my mom packed for me.  I know my chorus teacher was onto me, but I don't think anyone else was.  Oh, my friend's mom who is a psychologist and my friend (her daughter) but that was about it, as far as I know.  Was I even skinny?  I don't know.  I played sports so I was doing that every day after school.  I worked out when I wasn't playing sports.  

My mom and I went shopping with my friend and her mom (the psych) and apparently her mom said something about my hip bones sticking out.  Of course, I loved that comment, when I found out about it.

I remember having stomach pains every day before practice, probably because I was starving.  I'd eat an apple, but that didn't help.  I don't know what Charro would have done with me if I went to see her when I was in high school.  Okay, she was in college then, but still, if she was practicing I wonder if she would have sent me somewhere.  That's something I'll never know.

That's all the reminiscing I have for now.  I have to do some work.  

Friday, March 25, 2016


I've surveyed a few random people and all believe that oatmeal with chocolate chips is a snack. Charro really pisses me off sometimes with her random food rules.  I am seriously going to let her have it when she tries to bring me a muffin or a bagel for a snack.  

So this was really creepy...I was walking down the street and I saw a man with a black ski mask on, and on top of that, a green, plastic scary mask.  It was creepy and not okay, especially in this day in age.  Creepy.  I think cops should be able to ask him to remove it, but since there's no law against wearing masks, I guess they can't.

That's all.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Oatmeal apparently is not a snack

I didn't feel like going to see Charro today.  I didn't really feel like going anywhere.  I'm tired, cranky and pmsing, so that about sums it up.

I had sent Charro a pretty vague email on Monday, so of course she wanted to talk about that.  She said, "Do you want to talk about the email you sent?"  I said no, but of course that wasn't an acceptable answer.  She did most of the talking because I just was not in the mood to talk at all.  At one point, the topic shifted to food and oatmeal came up.  I was saying how I thought oatmeal was a good snack and she said, "Oatmeal is not a snack.  It's a breakfast food.  You eat it for breakfast."  Um, seriously, that just pissed me off because since when can you only eat breakfast foods in the morning?  That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  It's not like I wanted it for dinner.  I wanted it as a snack with chocolate chips in it.  How is that not a snack??  If I thought fast enough, I should have said, "Then don't ever bring me a muffin or a bagel for a snack because those are breakfast foods."  That wouldn't have gone over well, but WTF, if oatmeal can only be eaten at breakfast, than those other foods can only be eaten at breakfast too.  Next time she wants to bring me a muffin for a snack, she's going to hear about that!!

I'm clearly in a pissy mood and I can't see well out of my contacts because I got a new prescription and I've adjusted to my glasses but my contacts remained the same.  Grrr.

Okay, I feel a little better now.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Skip it

Sometimes dinner is unnecessary, like when you go to a friend's for brunch and are still too full from it to eat dinner.  I have a feeling that others (Charro) might disagree with that.  Actually, "might" might be quite the understatement.  Sometimes I just don't care.  I haven't been working out at a normal intensity in 6 weeks and that bugs me, and I will be in a bikini next week, so there's that.  I'm hoping to try running tomorrow to see how that goes.  Hopefully my head will feel fine and I can start getting back into shape.  That will make me happy because I am so sick of the elliptical, plus the weather is getting nice so I want to be able to run outside.  Okay, so it's snowing now, but it was 80 degrees 10 days ago.  Weird.  I'd like to be running barefoot on the beach next week so let's hope for a non-concussed head.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Recovery Road

I've been watching this new show called Recovery Road.  It's about this high school girl who gets sent to live in a sober living house.  It's good, I like it.  I'm guessing that I would like it even if I didn't have an ED and was drawn to these types of shows.  There are no ED people in this show, since it's about drugs and alcohol.  Hopefully it will get picked up for a second season.  

Charro has me on a challenge for Lent, which I haven't fully been participating in.  I'm supposed to be drinking at least 8 ounces of a calorie drink every day.  Well, I haven't exactly been doing that.  I did make a promise to her today that I will do it every day until Good Friday.  I bought some apple cider and will drink that every day for the next 12 days.  I may add a little water to it and not drink exactly 8 ounces, but it's better than nothing.  I did not buy the 2% milk that she told me to buy the other day, but whatever. That's not happening.

Friday, March 11, 2016

I love my doctor

I had a dream about my former doctor last night, probably because when I went to my GI they asked who my PCP was and they called the day before to find that info out as well.  Then Charro brought her up yesterday, so there's been a lot of talk about my doctor, who I love but moved away. :(  

We've actually kept in touch a little.  She said she would love to go stand up paddle boarding with me when I'm in Florida, so when I was there last month, we tried to make it work, but couldn't.  Next time I go visit my sister, hopefully I'll get to see her.  She's really cool and I'm bummed that she moved, but I'll take her as a friend now that she's not my doctor anymore.  It will be interesting when I go to the girl who replaced her because she's so young.  I think she's only 29, which is weird.  Will she ask me a million questions because I've never met her, or will she just look at my file and go from there?  Hmm, I don't need to go until this summer so I've got time, unless I get sick or something.

I don't know what I did in my class last night but I'm a little stiff this morning.  That's a good thing.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

That doesn't usually happen

I was on the subway, on my way home from Charro, and I looked at my arm and thought it looked skinny.  I rarely think that about any part of my body, so it always shocks me when that happens.  Of course, I'll probably look at it later on and think it's huge, so I'll just try to enjoy the skinny arm moment.

Charro is upping the challenges for me.  It's fabulous.  She said I need to go buy 2% milk and drink a glass of that with chocolate in it every day for the next two weeks.  Well, I can tell you right now that that's not going to happen.  Chocolate milk is something you have to crave, not something you just drink.  She's not going to be thrilled with me, but she might not even remember she said that to me anyway.  She has me doing a couple of other things too, but nothing crazy.

It's 78 degrees out and I'm LOVING IT!!!!  It makes me very, very happy.  I walked to Charro's in a tank top and shorts.  Happiness!

Charro pointed out today that we've been working together for 9 years.  WTF!!!??  [GEEZ] in a freaking box is all I have to say about that.

Friday, March 04, 2016


I made chili Wednesday night.  I've only eaten it twice and I'm already sick of it, which is a problem since I have a ton of it.  I need to invite some friends over to eat some, that's the only way I'll get rid of it.  I'd freeze it, but it's never the same when you defrost it.

Yesterday I told Charro I was going to have a smoothie for lunch and it was like I told her the world was ending.  I think her response was, "Absolutely not!!  That is not ever a meal.  Maybe it's a snack, maybe, but it's never a meal."  Hmm, well I think it could be a meal.  I also think yogurt could pass as a meal, so there ya go.

I thought my oven smelled like it was burning, but it's apparently coming from the apartment next door because I'm done cooking and it still stinks like burnt toast in here.  Nothing I made burned so it's not me.

I think my head might be starting to feel better.  We'll see.  It feels a bit better today so I'm REALLY hoping.  I can't take it anymore.

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Fried mozz

Last night I had a dream I was at Charro's house, babysitting I think.  I know I got there in the morning and I think by the time Charro got home it was after lunch.  I hadn't eaten lunch.  She asked if I had and I told her no. (I'm guessing that I fed her children or she would've killed me:).  I feel like we started the day at the beach and then ended up at her house, but I don't really remember, I just know I was there.

Anyway, when Charro got home she said, "You're staying for dinner." (I guess it was more of a late lunch). I tried to get out of that but she insisted and she said she was making something for me.  She finished cooking and told me to sit down and then put 15 large, triangular fried mozzarella "sticks" in front of me with sauce from a jar.  I was first horrified that she used jarred sauce because she is Italian, although I know she doesn't usually make her own sauce.  I was more horrified because I've never eaten any sauce from a jar.  I'm Italian and it's always been homemade in my house.  I was going to tell her that I couldn't eat them because of her fake sauce, and I think I tried that, but I knew it wouldn't work.  She told me I had to eat 10 of them.  No way in hell I was eating 10 of them.  They were huge.  No one would eat 10 of them.  I tried to sneak some to her daughter but was afraid I was going to get caught.  I ate two and that was it.  I'm not quite sure what happened after that.  Oh, she also poured me a big glass of juice and told me that I had to drink that too.  

I also had a dream that I saw her at the gym I teach at.  She was riding a bike next to her friend.  I had taught two classes and then came out to work out for a while longer.

I hadn't seen Charro for a week so I guess I had a lot to fill her in on, which is probably why I had those dreams.  I had a good sesh.  Can't wait to tell her these dreams on Thursday.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Are we WIFFING it again

Charro canceled our sesh for today because she's sick.  I'm okay with that.  She wants to reschedule for tomorrow, but my guess is that she won't be feeling any better, so I'm not counting on seeing her.  Tomorrow would be in the WIF office.  Woo hoo, she could WIF me again, and I know she would just because I'm there and the scale is there.  She says she doesn't "like being the police" but I think she secretly does.

I'm waiting for a client to call me back.  I got new glasses and I can't quite adjust to them.  Trying to get used to them while concussed probably doesn't help my head any either.  

This morning was beautiful.  I was out in my yard, and now it's cloudy and getting cold.  I was hot with long sleeves and no jacket this morning.  It was a lovely Spring like day.