Sunday, September 20, 2015

Wild and crazy dream

I don't even know where to start with the dream that I had last night, basically because I don't know where it started.  I was with my friend J, who was sometimes my favorite singer, M, so I will call her MJ because I don't know when they switched people.  Anyway, I was with MJ and we were walking and I think it had come out the she had an ED, so we were walking and talking and that's when I found out that she was also bulimic.  At this point it was M, that I remember, because I said to her, "That's really bad for your singing."  She said, "I know."  She is really skinny and I always (in real life) wanted to be as thin as she is.  So we were walking and talking and then we got back to the house.  I'm not sure whose house it was, but that's where we were going/staying, and there were a bunch of our friends there.  It was weird, there were people who I grew up with who weren't really my friends in the dream.  

We got to the house after having a good conversation and I'm not really sure what happened, but they all approached us about going into treatment.  I think something like this had happened before our walk, which is how I knew she had an ED and I also think that we escaped them by going out for a walk, so there must have been some mention of this before we went on our walk.  Anyway, we got back and they had papers for us to sign.  My friend's mom, who is a therapist in real life, as is  my friend now, was there.  She tried to talk to both of us.  (not MJ's mom, a different friend).  She tried to convince us that we needed to go.  MJ and I were like "We could room together," but we were joking because neither of us were going to go and we knew that if we did agree, they weren't going to send us to the same place.  

I escaped into the kitchen, when my friend's mom came in with the papers, trying to get me to sign then.  I refused and walked away.  MJ agreed, or at least she pretended to, but said that she has to wait a month because she's having back surgery.  I think she had them convinced, but I don't think she was actually planning on going.

The two of us met back up and tried to hide from the group of people trying to talk to us.  We were in a raised ranch, so we went down to the first floor and everyone else was right above us.  The floor was weird, almost like a glass table with some roping, so they could see down to where we were, but we were kind of hiding under a table, crawling, while they looked down trying to find us.  I think they finally found us.  They were all convinced that MJ was going to go into treatment, so they were working on me.  One of them came to get me and said, "Can you come with me into the pool room?"  So I went, unwillingly, and this tall blond lady and her daughter (The daughter worked at the school that I worked at in real life) came in with a man, I think her husband.  They were the "big guns" brought in to try and convince me to go.  The man hugged me and asked how I was doing.  I said, "good."  He said, "Just good.  How can you be better."  I said, "I could be better if I was on a beach, nice an warm."  I think the took that to mean that I was cold because I didn't eat enough.  Both the ladies were in white pants and a white shirt.  They had the papers with them and started to talk to me.  That's when I woke up.  

I just remembered, I told MJ that she could go see Charro and that she'd love her.

What a crazy dream.  I haven't had one of those in a while.  I wonder if it's because I ate (or didn't eat) like crap last week.  Yesterday I felt so sick and almost threw up, I think because I was so exhausted.  I had a headache and didn't have anything to take for it, so it got worse and then I got nauseous.  It was not pretty.  I went to bed at 8:45 but was awake from 4-6 AM.  I still need more sleep.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Everyday occurance

I told Charro about my bad dinner on Sunday night.  I was very, very surprised that she didn't give me a lecture.  I was shocked, actually.  Usually I get the same old lecture about how I have to eat, blah blah, but she didn't let me have it.

Tonight,  I will struggle again with what to have for dinner.  I made a veggie stirfry last night and it was awful.  It sits in my fridge, probably never to be eaten.  I ended up having oatmeal.  Not great again, I know.  Tonight will be an issue again.  Tomorrow night I'm going out for dinner, so that will be better.

Charro asked me if I think I'm keeping my weight up.  I'm going to guess that I'm not, considering my eating lately.  I don't know because I don't have a scale, but I'm sure I'm down.  I can tell this because my stomach isn't completely grossing me out at the moment.

Ah, my poor kitty.  We sat outside for a while today.  I knew if I got up, he would get up, so I stayed with him.  I know that there aren't many days left of us sitting together. :(

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Just Blah

I know I need to eat and I'm hungry, but I don't know what to eat and I'm really sad about my cat.  He's not getting any better and it makes me so sad.  I'm starving so I do need to it, but it's really hard right now.  Nothing sounds appealing.  I could eat a yogurt, like I do all the time when I'm in this position, but I already had one today so I don't want to OD on yogurt.  I need to figure something out and I guess that requires me going into the kitchen and staring blankly at the fridge.

This cat situation.  I know he's old, but this sucks.

Friday, September 11, 2015

New and Weird

I started my new schedule with Charro this week and I no longer see her  on Friday mornings, which seems bizarre.  I'm sure there will be days when I have to go in on Friday instead of Thursday, which of course means that she will WIF me.  I was on my way to her yesterday morning and she emailed me to see if I wanted to reschedule for today because she was stuck in traffic.  My response was "I'm almost there."  I got my ass out of bed on a rainy day, bright and early and paid for the bus to get down there, I was not rescheduling for this morning.  It all worked out and she got there 15 minutes late, so she's going to make up the time to me on Monday.

I'm tired.  I'm not sleeping well because I'm worried about my cat.  He's not doing well.  I'm trying some meds to get his strength back, but he's old and I don't know if they'll work.  I don't think I'll have much time with him. :(  It's very sad.  Of course, I put his needs above my own and probably am not eating enough, but I don't care.  Speaking of which, I should probably eat breakfast.

I can't believe it's been 14 years since our country was brutally attacked.  September 11th is a day that all of us remember every detail of where we were and what we were doing when all of this happened.  There are still no words.  I see Tower One, the new World Trade Center, every day and think about what used to be there.  Never Forget!

Friday, September 04, 2015

Not for real

Well, we had WIF again today.  I was supposed to see Charro yesterday, but she had a scheduling issue so I ended up seeing her today, which meant one more WIF.  I didn't pass today.  I didn't care.  I've been dealing with my sick cat so I've had more important things to worry about.  She said that I need to get it back up.  Okay.  I'm sure she'll bring her scale to our sesh next Thursday and surprise weigh me.  That will be fun.

I'm so tired.  I've been waking up at 5 AM because that's when my cat gets up and I'm worried about him so I haven't been sleeping well anyway.  He's old and he's not doing well and that makes me really sad.

I ran today for the first time in 3-4 weeks.  My head was bothering me after I played field hockey two weeks ago, so I refrained from running.  I probably overdid it today, but it was a good run with one of my friends.  I was dying a little, but that's okay.

I have to go out in a few minutes to meet up with some friends.  I already ate dinner so I could avoid paying $50 for a $10 meal.  I hate that, when they split the check and you've had one thing and they've had a million things and drinks.  It's not cool, so I avoid it all together by just not eating.  I told them I'd pop in and say hello.  I just want to go to bed and I have a bit of laundry to fold still.

I guess I should get dressed so I can go meet these guys.  At least it's right on my block.