Tuesday, April 28, 2015


During my sesh yesterday, Charro said something that COMPLETELY shocked me.  She said, "I think it's time you see your weight."  WHAT!!!??  Did you really just say that?"  That was my response.  Um, OKAY!!  I am ALL for that.  She told me that in order for that to happen, I needed to stop weighing myself at home.  I was like, "Okay."  She wants me to get rid of my scale but that's not going to happen.  So, I'm facing forward on WIF and this time she won't tell me to turn around.  :)  

The caloric drink is supposed to happen on Friday too.  Charro also questioned my donut choice.  She said, "I was in Dunkin Donuts yesterday and I saw much better donuts than the one you chose."  Ya well my choice was the "healthiest" of them all.  It didn't taste good at all.  She also mentioned me eating a muffin again.  I made a face and then said, "I had one yesterday."  She asked what flavor and I said "grape."  Really, grape??  I then laughed and said, "I'm clearly not a good liar."

So, that was that.  Friday should be interesting.  At least drinking that dumb drink will make the scale say more.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Disgusting Donut

So I can't say that I'm feeling so hot from that dumb donut I had to eat this morning.  Charro was like 10 minutes late so when we got into her office she was like, "Where's your donut?"  I said, "I ate it while I was waiting for you."  She said, "Okay."  Then she asked me if it was a munchkin, because I had jokingly asked her if one munchkin counted as a donut, and I said, "yes."  She got all pissed and she was like, "NO, you had 1 munchkin??!!" and started to go off.  Before she could go off too far, I chimed in and said that I was kidding.  It was funny.  She was fired up.  I then took out the donut and ate the disgusting thing.  It didn't even taste good.  I got the one that had the lowest amount of fat, calories and sugar.  Anyway, that thing is sitting like a rock in my stomach right now and I have no desire to eat lunch at the moment.  Charro said our next challenge is potato chips.  I was actually kind of relieved that that's what she said, even though I have NO interest in eating them, because I thought she was going to say french fries, which is ten times worse.  Needless to say, I think she forgot about the our drink challenge on Monday.  She didn't mention it at all and I'm pretty sure she won't show up with a caloric beverage for me.

We have a game tomorrow and she asked me where and I told her and she said, "Oh, right by me."  I said, "Ya, you can stop by and see how bad we are."  Ha.

I wanted to throw up last night, not a feeling I have very often.  I had dinner at a friend's and was totally stuffed and thought about how easy it would be for me to throw when I got home.  I contemplated it on my mile walk home, but knew that it was really something I shouldn't do, even though I'd feel better after.  I didn't do it.  

Oh, I passed WIF.  I had my WIF jeans on.  It also helped that I had to chug a ton of water during my sesh to take my medicine. :)

Thursday, April 23, 2015


Tomorrow I have to eat a stupid donut.  I did what I shouldn't have done and looked online to find the least fattening donut that I can get.  Well, not of them are really suitable to my needs.  Let me start my day off with 14 grams of unhealthy fat and unhealthy calories and sugar.  I'm sure that's going to make me feel really good all day long.  Blah!

I am NOT thrilled about this one bit!!  Why the hell do I have to eat a donut.  It would be different if I was eating it for dessert, but this is breakfast...the most important meal of the day and I'm going to start it off with crap!!  Not cool.  I wouldn't even choose a donut for dessert because I don't even like them.  If I'm going to eat something good, it's going to be a brownie sundae or warm chocolate chip cookies.  I just have to get through this dumb donut and move on.  Charro says we're drinking caloric drinks on Monday, but she'll forget so that will be good.  At least I'm counting on her to forget.  She usually does so I should be okay.  I don't know why I need to have pointless, useless calories that have no nutritional value and tons of sugar.  I'm not okay with that.

WIF tomorrow too.  If I'm not "up there, the shit's gonna hit the fan."  That's a direct quote.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Donuts, really?

As I was leaving Charro's office today, she reminded me to "eat a lot."  Okay.  We discussed what I would have for dinner tonight, a burrito.  I got it on my way home and ate half of it.  I stuck a ruler next to it and measured it and sent her pictures, before and after.  I only ate half and she told me to eat 2/3 of it.  I'm sure she'll tell me that I need to eat more, especially so I can make WIF.  Oh, speaking of Friday, I have to get a donut and bring it in and eat it.  WTF?  WHY I ask?  Why do I need to eat a donut, something with no nutritional value whatsoever?  I am NOT thrilled about that at all.  She also said that we are going to drink a caloric drink on Monday.  Hmm, I'm thinking that she'll forget about that, so I'm not too worried about it.  She said it's time to challenge me.  Hmm, challenge me to a race, a game, something fun, not food things.  I'm not into that.


Charro responded to my burrito email and said that I only ate 2/3 and I said, "That what you said I had to eat."  She wrote back and said, "I meant to say 3/4."  Oh well, she said 2/3 and that's what she got.  I thought I only at half, so that fact that she thinks I ate more is fune with me.  I still have to eat a donut on Friday. :(

The fan

On Friday, Charro said "Today, if you're not at weight, the shit's gonna hit the fan.  You have one week to gain the weight."  Um, okay, we'll see about that. 

I will not be walking down to my sesh today because it's pouring rain out.  It's a yucky day.  

I forgot to buy milk yesterday, which is annoying.  I had a little but then had to add some water to my cereal.  Oh well.  I need to get ready to head to the gym.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Beach day

Charro said I need to gain 2 lbs by next week or that's it.  I'm not sure what that really means because we've been down that road many times before.  I guess I'll find out.

I have avoided seeing this girl I know the past two weeks.  I saw her there two weeks in a row.  She's having a baby and I have to walk by the OB dept. to get to Charro's office.  The second time, she didn't see me, so that was good.  I have been taking a round about way to get to Charro's office to avoid this girl.  Not that I don't like her, just that I don't want her to wonder why I'm in the same building at the same time every week.  Not cool.

I'm going to the beach today.  That makes me very, very happy.  Well, I'm not going to lay out, although I wish I was, but I'm going out that way to explore and get cheap massages.  It will be fun.  I need to get ready.  I'm just so happy that it's going to be 80 degrees.  A month ago it was 20.

Friday, April 10, 2015


I'm cranky today, not sure why, but I am.  I don't think I was before I went in to see Charro, however when I got there she commented on how I seemed like I was "pissed' today.  Hmm, interesting.  I didn't think I was but maybe I was and didn't know it but she could sense it better than I could and then I did get in a bad mood.  Interesting.

I hesitate to tell her about some of the dreams I have about her because of the questions she'll ask.  I dreamt about her husband and kids last night.  In the dream her husband's name was "Stayne" and he was really tall which hair to his chin.  He was a musician and had a gig that day so he was wearing a tux.  He clearly wasn't in a rock band.  Her kids were just running around outside.  Of course she wanted to know why I had this dream, as if I know.  I told her that I'm curious about her family, like what her kids look like.  That I don't know anything about them and I'm curious.  I said, "Wouldn't you be curious about my family if I didn't tell you anything about them?  She said, "No, I've had many therapists and was never curious about any of their outside lives."  I said, "Well then, you're different than I am.  It's like with teachers, I was curious about their outside lives."  So, I think she thinks that's weird that I'm curious about her family and she thinks that I'm weird because I'm curious about her family.  I think it's totally natural to be curious.  I'm going to pose a survey about this and see what others have to say.  So, if anyone is actually reading this and wants to chime in, please do.

WIF was WIF.  I didn't feel like getting on the stupid scale and was in a bad mood.  She said, "Keep moving."  Then she rephrased that and said, "I shouldn't have said moving because you'll take that as work out more or something."  

So that was that.  We'll see what Monday has to bring.

Monday, April 06, 2015

8 years

I started seeing Charro 8 years ago to this date.  Crazy.  I didn't think I'd make it past two seshes, but here I am, 8 years later and I'm still going.  I've come a long way.  I still have some improving to do, but I could live   the way I am now.  I guess things can always be better, but who knows.

I can't believe that poor Charro has had to deal with me for this long.  She wants me to make a list of things that I want to work on.  Hmm, I'm not really sure what those things would be.  Sure, I'd like to not freak out when I feel huge or like I've eating too much.  I'd like to not hate my body.  What I don't want to do is accept a body that I don't like because that means I'm settling and I'm not okay with that.  I know how I want to look and I don't want to accept something that is not okay in my standards.  Of course that could probably be argued.  So ya, I'm going to make a list (I think, for Friday).

As far as WIF goes, she says that she can't trust that I won't lose weight if she stops weighing me, so she won't, because she says that everytime she stops WIF I lose weight.  Well, I lose weight regardless of being WIFFED or not.  She said if I got up to 104-105 and stayed there for three weeks she would only do "random WIFs."  Well, I'm not getting up to that weight so I guess I'm going to continue to have WIF everyday.  I'll suck it up and deal with it.

I haven't been eating that great but that's fine.  Whatever.  

My cat seems sad.  I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow so we'll see what his blood work is like.  Hopefully nothing has gotten worse.

Friday, April 03, 2015

Forgotten dinner

I guess my eating hasn't been so great this week.  Charro asked me this morning how it's been and I responded with, "I forgot to eat dinner the other night."  I legitimately forgot.  I was driving, then I was on the train, and I just forgot about dinner.  Of course she doesn't see it that way and that I am too far along to "forget" about eating.  I really did forget, even if she doesn't believe me.  Of course, I remembered around 9:30 PM and had a yogurt and popcorners, but not really dinner.  I'm getting hungry now and should have lunch, but there's nothing that I'm in the mood for.  I don't feel like eating the same old crap, but that might be what I end up having.  Egg whites?  Blah.  I don't have any avocado to put on them so that doesn't sound appealing at all.

WIF then happened.  I tried to sneak my shoes on for that part but she had no part of that.  Then she told me that I lost weight and have to be up at least a pound by next week.  Then she said something about how I always go back to the eating disorder.  I didnt' go back to anything, I don't think.

Okay, I guess I'll figure out what to have for lunch.

On another note, 8 years ago on this day, I saw Charro for the first time.  More about that on Monday, when it's our "official anniversary."