Friday, March 27, 2015

Another Friday Sesh

Charro said that I lost weight and need to eat more.  I am pretty sure that I haven't lost weight, I just didn't have a chance to drink 8 gallons of water before I went in there because I ran into this girl I know waiting for another doctor down the hall.  She asked if I had an appointment and, of course, I lied and said that one of my friends works in the building so I was stopping in to say hi.  Anyway, ya so I was leaning against the wall when Charro weighed me and I didn't drink 9 gallons of water, (sounds better than 8), so I "lost weight."  I don't even give a crap.  I hope I did lose weight because I would be totally okay with that.

Charro said it's time for another "food challenge."  She says these things but then they never happen so it's fine and I'm not too concerned about it.  I don't really care anyway because it's not like it does anything.  It's one time of eating something that I wouldn't normally eat, and that's not really going to do anything to me.

I told her that I was hoping she'd cancel today.  She kind of understood, actually.  We'll see what I come up with for Monday.  She wants me to decide whether or not I really want to give up the ED or have it for the rest of my life.  Hmm...give it up and be skinny, but that's not possible.

Hoping for a cancellation

I was hoping Charro would cancel this morning.  I don't feel like going and I don't really have anything to talk about.  Unfortunately she didn't cancel.  She doesn't cancel a lot but I was hoping she would anyway.  I guess that means I need to get ready to go. Blah.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Close my ears

My sesh sucked today.  I can't really explain why because, I don't really know, I just know that it sucked.  I guess it was because Charro was saying things that I didn't want to hear.  I think she basically said that I'm going to be like this forever, since being skinny is so important to me.  Well, I guess I might be then.  Who knows.  It was a lot of her talking and a lot of me just listening and not wanting to hear stuff.

I met a friend for Thai food after and my food was so spicy that I couldn't even eat it.  I just tried to have a little more and my mouth and stomach were on fire so I stopped eating it. 

The end.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Deep thoughts

I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start taking action to lose weight.  I know I've gained weight.  I can see it and feel it.  I'm going ask Charro about it on Monday.  She's not going to give me any answers, I know.

It's so stupid that my weight is such a big freaking concern of mine.  I'm reminded of this as I hear the news about the "untimely" (I hate when the news uses that word because when is death every really timely) death of a reporter I watch daily.  49 year old, mother of two young boys, died of a brain aneurysm yesterday.  So tragic.  You go on about your day not having a clue that anything's wrong and then bam, life is over.  So incredibly sad and my heart goes out to her family.  All this and I sit hear and think about how much I hate my body.  It's unfortunate...all of it.  You'd think I'd be able to change those thoughts when things like this are brought into perspective, but I can't.  What kind of person does that make me?  It's sad.

I have to get ready to go over to my pregnant, anorexic friend's house.  This should be interesting.  Will she offer me food?  How will I react?  I think she's eating okay, but I don't see her enough to know so who knows.  I know she's not recovered, but hopefully she's doing ok.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Spring Snow and Fatness

There's nothing I like more than feeling enormously huge.  Is the redundant?  I don't care because that's how I feel.  They say fat is not a feeling, but I still disagree with that.  I feel fat and disgusting.  I feel like I need to go running and just keep on running.  I know I've gained weight because I'm wearing fewer clothes and Charro has not told me that I need to gain weight.  She doesn't say anything when I step on that scale, which is how I know that I've gained weight.  Maybe I need to discuss this with her on Monday.

I need to go to bed.  I had a dinner party tonight and every one just left and I'm all cleaned up.  I'm not going to lie, if I accidentally threw right now, I'd be okay with that.

Oh ya, it snowed today...on the first day of Spring.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Windy Wednesday

I haven't weighed myself in weeks.  I want to but at the same time I don't really care.  I want to, because I want to know how much I weigh.  At the same time, I kind of don't care, but I do.  It makes no sense, really.  I just want to make sure I haven't gained any weight.  So, I guess when you break it all down, I do want to weigh myself.  I feel like my stomach looks 5 months pregnant.  That's how it feels too.

My sweater is making me itchy.

I have to think of some good stuff to talk to Charro about on Friday.  Maybe I can think on the train tonight and make a list.  I asked her, once again, when we were going to be done with WIF and she didn't give me a time frame.  A few weeks ago she said, "soon."  Well, I guess that has changed, not that that surprises me at all.  I hate WIF.  I just thought I should state that again.

One of these days I really need to bring up how it bugs me that she's so skinny.  I don't even know what to say, really.  She can't help it that she is skinny, I don't think, but it's just not fair.  I wish I had her stick legs and arms.  She's had two children and has no stomach either.  Just not fair.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Up 10

I was talking to Charro about WIF today.  I want her to stop weighing me but she won't.  I haven't weighed myself in three weeks, which will come to an end in a few weeks, if not sooner.  I told Charro that I don't think she'll tell me if I gain weight.  I said, "I don't think you'll tell me if I gain 10 pounds, would you?"  She said that she probably wouldn't tell me because 10 pounds isn't a lot.  Um, yes it is.  She doesn't think it is because I wouldn't be "overweight."  She also said that she thinks I would know if I gained 10 pounds anyway.  I said, "Ya, because of my clothes."  She was like, "You'd still fit in all of your clothes because they're all huge."  I said something about not trusting her because she wouldn't tell me if I gained weight.  I mean, I trust her, I just don't trust her in that situation.  I refuse to gain 10 pounds and probably wouldn't even gain five unless I drastically change how I eat.  I'm so controlling of my food, I guess, that I probably won't gain weight.  The thing that concerns me is that I must have gained weight because Charro didn't tell me that I needed to gain weight or "keep going," when she weighed me on Friday.  

I ended up in the elevator with Charro on my way up today.  I was wearing pretty much every color of the rainbow and didn't match at all because I ran there and had layers on.  We were getting out of the elevator and she was like, "You'll do anything to go for a run."  That's because I was saying that it was supposed to be warm out and it wasn't and I planned on running in the warm weather.  She asked if I had gone to the gym too.  It was funny that this conversation happened in the elevator zone.

I ran 6 miles yesterday, the most I've run in a long time, since before my concussion last June.  My legs are sore today, needless to say, and I like that.  I only ran just over 3 miles to get to my sesh today.  Sore legs and chilly weather, but I still did it.  I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because I'm tired.

Friday, March 13, 2015

A little wrap up

I asked Charro why my brain is so messed up.  She responded with, "Because you have an eating disorder."  Thanks.  I said, "Wouldn't it be nice if you could just clean sweep my brain?"  She said that she'd love to give me a lobotomy, along with every other ED person, and stick our brains in a jar.  Ew.

I guess I weighed enough today.  She didn't say anything to me.  I'm not sure how I feel about that because that means that I've gained weight.  It weird because my face looks thinner to me.  I don't know why I think it looks thinner but I think it does.  This might be an issue if my parents think it looks thinner too.  I don't want to hear, "Your face is too skinny, have you lost weight?"  I haven't weighed myself in 2 weeks so if I have lost weight, which I clearly haven't because Charro would have said something to me, then I wouldn't know so I wouldn't have to lie about it.

Next week, well, starting Sunday because I teach tomorrow, I have to get my ass in gear physically.  My legs were so dead tired this week that I didn't go to the gym on Wednesday and run like I had planned.  I'm walking an extra 8 miles every week now that I have to go to school, so that could be part of it.  Last week I walked 118,000 steps, or 47 miles.  Well, that was working out and walking, but I walk a ton and I think it caught up with me this week.  I also felt weird and shaky on Sunday and Monday.  I had a raging headache Sunday and was nauseous and shaky.  I'll be walking less over the next two weeks so I need to get my ass in gear and run.  I think I'll run to my sesh on Monday, because it's supposed to be warm.  I'm going to have to take my watch off or Charro will be reminded about my heart rate monitor and get on that kick again about me giving it to her.  No thanks.  I'm not sure if she forgot about it or just gave up because she knew I wasn't going to give it to her.  I warned her today that I might run there on Monday.  It's all good.

Clearly I haven't been writing a lot anymore.  I don't have much to say, and I guess that's a good thing.

Friday, March 06, 2015

Recordings

I had a lot of heavy clothes on, but I passed WIF.  Charro asked me if I had weights in my pockets, or something, and I was like, "Yes, do you want to pat me down."  She said, "No," and I said, "That's good, because I'd have to report you if you did."  She tried to kick me out early and I was like, "I've got 5 minutes left!"  I told her to check my recorder to see how much time and she did and she was like, "What's 8 of 8?"  I told her that those were saved seshes and she wanted to know why I had them saved and if I was going to use them to blackmail her.  I told her that they were funny things that she had said and stuff that she said that would light a fire under my ass.  I bet she's curious as to what they are.  Actually, I am too so I'll have to listen to them.

Of course with 2 minutes left I remembered that I had read an article about two girls with OSFED, aka EDNOS, aka "The Fake ED" (as I call it) and how they felt that they didn't have a "real ED" and didn't deserve treatment or think that people would believe that they had a real problem.  I totally get that.  That's exactly how I feel.  Charro wants some reasons as to why I think those things, so I'll have to come up with some.  I think it's hard to put into words.  I think I just feel like it's not a real ED and that it doesn't warrant attention and that people won't think I have an issue because I'm not emaciated or with my head in the toilet all the time.  It all makes sense in my head.

My legs are tired.  I've been walking a ton this week, to get from place to place, and it's catching up with me right now.  It doesn't help when you're wearing two pairs of pants and heavy boots and a heavy coat.  Oh well, hopefully winter is almost over!!