Sunday, December 13, 2015

Strange interactions

For the past few days I've been wondering if I've lost weight.  I don't know if I have or not, but I sort of feel like I may have.  If I did, it's only like a pound, so it's nothing crazy, but I feel like I look smaller.  

I was teaching aerobics and a girl looks at me and says, "Have you always been that tiny?"  I thought she was going to say tan, but she didn't.  Then, last night, I was babysitting and the 10 year old girl was sitting next to me on the couch and leaned on my side and was like "what is that?"  I told her it was my rib and she was like, "No it's not.  What is it?'  I told her again that it's my rib and she was all curious and trying to figure it out.  It was a bit bizarre.  She told me to sit in a different position and then she felt for it again.  It's not like the thing is protruding out or anything, but it was an interesting interaction.  Weird, I guess.  

It's going to be 65 degrees here today.  I'm going to go for a run in the park and enjoy this unseasonably warm weather.  I hope it never ends.

Saturday, December 05, 2015

WIF is over

I had WIF and it was fine.  She weighed me backwards because that's what we're apparently going to do now.  Well, there is no "now" because I'm never in the office where the scale is so this was an out of the ordinary WIF because of scheduling issues on my end.  She asked me if I was getting ready (for WIF) when we were nearing the end of our sesh.  I said, "I'm so excited.  I'm going to get up and dance."  She said, "Then I'll be able to hear all the coins you have in your pockets."  I said, "Actually, I don't want to burn too many calories before I have WIF."  I was sitting there right before I stood up to get on the scale and she goes, "I can see the coins rolled up in your socks."  I was like, "I know, do you want me to take them off?"  She said, "No, I trust you."  Lucky for me, I didn't have anything but feet in my socks because I would have really flipped out and had a heart attack.  I did, however, put my Merrell clog shoes on, so I had a little extra help on that scale.  Thankfully she didn't make me take them off!

Friday, November 20, 2015

Here comes a WIF

I had a double sesh with Charro yesterday, which I really like.  I've done them a few times before and I like them because I feel like I start to talk more in the second half.  Charro agrees.  She's still talking about bringing in those damn french fries.  I told her that I won't eat McDonald's fries because they're fried in animal fat.  I don't know if that's true,  but I feel like I heard that somewhere so I went with it.  I then told her that I couldn't see her in two Thursdays, but I could do a phone sesh Friday.  She said "9 AM," and I said, "4 PM," just because sometimes I would see her at 4 so I was testing her out to see if she had that.  Then she said I could come in and see her at 4 pm at the other office (office with the scale that I haven't been to in months).  I told her that I wouldn't be back in town by then and she said, "Yes you will.  You're coming in and we're going to WIF you and if you don't, you have to call your doctor and tell her you're coming in to get weighed and then she needs to call me with your weight."  I made a face and said, "Well, my doctor is in Florida now (she just left the practice and moved) so that's not going to work.  She said, "then you have to go get weighed by her predecessor."  I said, "That's no happening.  I'm not calling them up and saying that I need to come in to get weighed."  She said, "Then you're coming in here and I'm going to weigh you blind."  Blah!  She said, that she could send me to one of her doctors here to get weighed, if I wanted that.  NO thank you.  I'll let her weigh me, at least I'll be clothed.  Good thing it will be that time of year to wear my horrifically ugly Christmas sweater that weighs a lot. :)  I'll make sure not to wear anything under it so she can't make me take it off.

I'm not looking forward to these damn french fries either.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Not only am I going to get french fries, I'm getting ginger ale too.  WOO HOO!!!  I can't contain my excitement.  Okay, that's a total lie.  I do not want french fries and I hate soda, even if it was diet soda I wouldn't want to drink it.  This is going to be the worst.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.

So Charro did forget to ask me if I had weighed myself so I did not report back.  I actually forgot too, so I didn't withhold the information on purpose.  The number was fine and she would have been happy with it.  I was, however, wearing clothes and my jacket that had my wallet and phone in it, and weighed myself before I peed.  :)  Oh well.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

You're getting french fries

Charro forgot to remind me to weigh myself when I go home.  Hmm, do I pretend that I forgot?  I bet she won't believe that, especially since she knows how much I love "Bertha."  I don't think she'll remember to ask me how much I weigh when I see her on Thursday, so I'll weigh myself and won't bring it up unless she asks.  I'll makes sure I weigh myself tonight, after dinner, fully clothed and on a very full stomach.

So our next big challenge is french fries.  Awesome!!  I really can't wait for that.  Lord I hope she forgets about that one, but I don't think she will. :(  She said she's going to get me a medium from McDonalds.  Awesome!!  I can hardly contain my excitement.  She said it will be a surprise.  Let's hope she never gets the chance to go out and get them for me.  Oh, then I told her to get lots of ketchup and she said that I could have 2-3 packs and I was like "WHAT?"  She said, "That's eating disordered."  OMG, how is that eating disordered.  Ketchup has freaking calories and lots of sugar, it's not like I asked for hot sauce.  I really hate that she thinks everything is disordered.  It's super annoying.

I told her about my weekend fiasco, eating wise.  I told her not to yell at me and she said, "I never yell at you."  I said, "I know, but I don't want a lecture."  I told her it's resolved.

Friday, November 06, 2015

It's coming back

I'm not sure what's going on, but I really don't want to eat.  I feel huge and just want to go on some crazy sort of "cleanse" or something.  I actually don't believe in cleanses but I think that means that I just want to eat veggies and protein shakes and not much else.  I feel like I need to eat "clean," whatever the hell that means.  I guess I know what it means for me.  I just feel really crappy about my body right now and I think it started when I went running earlier.  My mom gave me a bunch of Halloween candy, so I've been eating that and I think that might have sparked this.  I hate it and I have no desire to "challenge" it, which is my problem, I guess.  I just want to not feel like this and for me, that means not eating.

Thursday, November 05, 2015

"Bitch on Wheels"

Charro told me that I need to weigh myself next week when I'm home and report back to her.  She said, I want you to email me with the results right after.  I told her I'd take a picture of the scale with me on it.  She said, "I'll see all the rocks on there."  I told her that they'd be under my hat so she wouldn't see them.  She told me I need to be 104 and I said, "No, 102" and she said, "You'll have clothes on so 104.  You need to be 103, remember?  That's your 90 (percent)."  I said, "102."  Eh, whatever.  Then she told me not to do any crazy stuff like weigh myself first thing in the morning, after I go to the bathroom...just weigh myself.  Okay!!  I will weigh myself Tuesday night, after I've had dinner and lots of water!  That works for me!!  Just doing what she said.

I'm pretty sure that she called me a "Bitch on wheels."  I was not offended.  Here's what happened, she said that she's not a psychic and I told her that I wished she was and she told me to go get my cards and aura read.  I said, "I don't think my aura has been so great the past few months," and she, "You've been a bitch on wheels."  I thought that was funny and I didn't disagree, however, I haven't really been a "bitch" to anyone.  I'm always nice, I just haven't been in a good mood the past few months and it's obvious.

Anyway, I need to go to bed.  I'm going to go for a (hopefully) good run tomorrow.  It's going to be 77 degrees, which makes me very, very happy.  I'm sure it's our last warm day we'll see for a while.


Sunday, November 01, 2015

Marathon Day

It's NYC marathon day, a day that I really don't care about at all.  Charro thinks it's because I'm jealous that these people "overexercise," but it has nothing to do with that.  I just don't understand why the hell anyone would want to run 26 miles.  I went out to watch it, only because my friend is in town and wanted to go out there.  I lasted way longer than I wanted to, only to be nice, but then I came in.  It's just boring to me.  I don't want to drive for 4 hours, never mind run for 4 hours.  People who run wear their medals around their neck for the next few days.  I would never.  I see people with their medals and wonder if people really care that they ran it.  I know I don't.  I know I sound like a cranky person, but I don't care.  I know it takes a lot of hard work and training, but it's nothing I'm interested in. 

In other news, I hate my fat stomach and my fat arms.  I need to do something about this.  I guess I'll bring this up with Charro tomorrow.  There was something else I wanted to talk to her about but I can't remember what it was.  Oh ya, I remember.  

I need sleep.  I got home at 2:30 this morning and woke up at 7 AM.  I'll sleep tonight, I guess.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Sad

It's been a while...

I had to put my little man to sleep on Friday.  It was so incredibly sad.  I knew the time was coming, I just didn't think it was going to be then.  I had to leave for a work trip right after that.  I just got back to my apartment last night and came back to all of his stuff.  I have yet to do anything with it.  I don't know what to do with it.  I'm going to get more cats, but not right now.  I'm going to foster some for a while, so I'll need all the stuff.  I miss him so much.  I've had him for over 18 years and my apartment is so lonely.  He is with his sister now.

I didn't sleep much the night I did it.  I kept having dreams about him.  I keep looking over at my bed thinking he's going to be there, but he's not. :(

My eating has been fine through all this.  Fine as is, I'm not eating as much as I should be but I'm not not eating.   I guess Charro wouldn't think it was "fine."  Thankfully she hasn't weighed me in a long time.  Let's hope she never brings a scale into her office.

Friday, October 09, 2015

4000th

I don't write much on here anymore.  I guess I don't have much to say about my ED, which is a good thing.  I'm still pissed that Charro thought I was faking my stomach bug.  She didn't think I was faking it so much, as I was riding it out, which was not the case at all.  I'm feeling all better now and eating.  I have to send her pictures of my meals though.

This might be my 4000th post.  I'm not sure, but I think it is.  That's nuts.

I'm sitting next to my little guy, who is not doing so well.  He's taking a bad turn over the past month and this week has started getting worse.  His kidneys are failing.  I can smell that his breath is getting worse too.  It stinks.  He is peeing outside of the litter box and doesn't move much at all, except to get a drink or go to his litter box.  His breath is really stinky, he just licked himself and I got a whiff of it.  It's gross.  He's wasting away and has no leg muscles and wobbles when he walks.  It's extremely sad.  He's still eating and grooming though.  My vet says that it's "not time" yet, but I think that time is getting closer.  I have to go away for work in a week and I will be leaving him with my parents.  Part of me hopes that something happens before then, so I don't have to worry about him while I'm gone.  I also feel bad leaving that responsibility with my parents.  He's on a lot of medications and I'm worried he'll pee in their house too.  It's so sad.  He's laying next to me and I just watch him all day.  I hate when I have to leave him.  I've had him for 18 1/2 years and he's been such a good boy.  I know I've been a wonderful cat mom.  Everyone tells me that.  I've been giving him fluids for 5 years, which has helped keep him alive, but now his kidneys have had enough, I think.  It's so hard to see him like this, but I know he's not ready to die just yet.  I couldn't do that to him right now because he's not there yet.  I feel like that would be cruel.

That's pretty much what I've been dealing with as of late.  Not sleeping much and just loving my time with him while I can.  

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

I got mad

When I saw Charro on Monday, she asked where my friend and I were going to go for lunch.  I told her that neither of us were really eating because we've been sick with the stomach bug.  She knew I didn't feel well when I was there on Thursday.  Anyway, we discussed how I hadn't been eating because I was sick.  She then stated how people only have the stomach bug for 48 hours and that I was fine now but it was the ED that was telling me that I wasn't.  Well, I got really pissed off at her because I know my body well enough to know when I'm sick and when I'm not.  I know that when I get the stomach bug it lasts 7 days.  I'm not actively sick for seven days but I have no appetite and feel nauseous for that amount of time.  I usually wake up on day 7 ravenous and ready to eat.  She was basically telling me that she didn't believe that I was still sick and that I was "riding on the coat tails of the ED."  I was so pissed that she didn't believe me.  She could tell I was mad and said, "I'll get an email from you later saying that you're pissed at me."  I said, "No you won't because I just told you that I'm pissed at you."  Later on, I finally said, "Ya, you're right.  I'm not sick at all, I'm just faking it."  I was so mad!

So, meal picture taking has been put back into place.  Needless to say, I did not take pictures of any of my meals because I didn't really have any meals until today.  I had a little over 1/2 veggie burrito for lunch on Monday and that was it, I was done for the day because my stomach hurt after that.  Yesterday I made soup for lunch and then just had a piece of chicken for dinner, so I had meals yesterday.  I'm sure tomorrow will be a fun sesh, but not as fun as next week when she is supposed to weigh me.  She told me she is going to weigh me next week because she's sure I lost weight while I was sick and that I need to be 104. Um, okay, I love how the number goes up each time.  Whatever.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Not feeling so hot

Charro told me that I'm going to have to weigh myself soon so I can report back to her to make sure I haven't lost any weight.  Well, I think I have the stomach flu right now, so I'm not sure that doing that any time soon is a good idea.  I was nauseous all night last night and still am.  I didn't even eat breakfast before I went to go see her this morning and have barely eaten anything all day.  My stomach does not feel good at all.  I thought I was going to have to get out of bed last night to throw up, but I didn't.  I just don't feel good and I can't eat.  I just want to go to bed too.

My friend is in town and I feel bad because I did absolutely nothing today.  She went shopping while I went to teach aerobics, in which I did nothing but weights in because I didn't think bouncing around was going to feel so good.  I hope I feel better by Saturday when I have to teach two classes.

So, that's about it really.  My friend has been here since last Tuesday and doesn't leave until Wednesday.  I look forward to getting my space back.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Wild and crazy dream

I don't even know where to start with the dream that I had last night, basically because I don't know where it started.  I was with my friend J, who was sometimes my favorite singer, M, so I will call her MJ because I don't know when they switched people.  Anyway, I was with MJ and we were walking and I think it had come out the she had an ED, so we were walking and talking and that's when I found out that she was also bulimic.  At this point it was M, that I remember, because I said to her, "That's really bad for your singing."  She said, "I know."  She is really skinny and I always (in real life) wanted to be as thin as she is.  So we were walking and talking and then we got back to the house.  I'm not sure whose house it was, but that's where we were going/staying, and there were a bunch of our friends there.  It was weird, there were people who I grew up with who weren't really my friends in the dream.  

We got to the house after having a good conversation and I'm not really sure what happened, but they all approached us about going into treatment.  I think something like this had happened before our walk, which is how I knew she had an ED and I also think that we escaped them by going out for a walk, so there must have been some mention of this before we went on our walk.  Anyway, we got back and they had papers for us to sign.  My friend's mom, who is a therapist in real life, as is  my friend now, was there.  She tried to talk to both of us.  (not MJ's mom, a different friend).  She tried to convince us that we needed to go.  MJ and I were like "We could room together," but we were joking because neither of us were going to go and we knew that if we did agree, they weren't going to send us to the same place.  

I escaped into the kitchen, when my friend's mom came in with the papers, trying to get me to sign then.  I refused and walked away.  MJ agreed, or at least she pretended to, but said that she has to wait a month because she's having back surgery.  I think she had them convinced, but I don't think she was actually planning on going.


The two of us met back up and tried to hide from the group of people trying to talk to us.  We were in a raised ranch, so we went down to the first floor and everyone else was right above us.  The floor was weird, almost like a glass table with some roping, so they could see down to where we were, but we were kind of hiding under a table, crawling, while they looked down trying to find us.  I think they finally found us.  They were all convinced that MJ was going to go into treatment, so they were working on me.  One of them came to get me and said, "Can you come with me into the pool room?"  So I went, unwillingly, and this tall blond lady and her daughter (The daughter worked at the school that I worked at in real life) came in with a man, I think her husband.  They were the "big guns" brought in to try and convince me to go.  The man hugged me and asked how I was doing.  I said, "good."  He said, "Just good.  How can you be better."  I said, "I could be better if I was on a beach, nice an warm."  I think the took that to mean that I was cold because I didn't eat enough.  Both the ladies were in white pants and a white shirt.  They had the papers with them and started to talk to me.  That's when I woke up.  

I just remembered, I told MJ that she could go see Charro and that she'd love her.

What a crazy dream.  I haven't had one of those in a while.  I wonder if it's because I ate (or didn't eat) like crap last week.  Yesterday I felt so sick and almost threw up, I think because I was so exhausted.  I had a headache and didn't have anything to take for it, so it got worse and then I got nauseous.  It was not pretty.  I went to bed at 8:45 but was awake from 4-6 AM.  I still need more sleep.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Everyday occurance

I told Charro about my bad dinner on Sunday night.  I was very, very surprised that she didn't give me a lecture.  I was shocked, actually.  Usually I get the same old lecture about how I have to eat, blah blah, but she didn't let me have it.

Tonight,  I will struggle again with what to have for dinner.  I made a veggie stirfry last night and it was awful.  It sits in my fridge, probably never to be eaten.  I ended up having oatmeal.  Not great again, I know.  Tonight will be an issue again.  Tomorrow night I'm going out for dinner, so that will be better.

Charro asked me if I think I'm keeping my weight up.  I'm going to guess that I'm not, considering my eating lately.  I don't know because I don't have a scale, but I'm sure I'm down.  I can tell this because my stomach isn't completely grossing me out at the moment.

Ah, my poor kitty.  We sat outside for a while today.  I knew if I got up, he would get up, so I stayed with him.  I know that there aren't many days left of us sitting together. :(

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Just Blah

I know I need to eat and I'm hungry, but I don't know what to eat and I'm really sad about my cat.  He's not getting any better and it makes me so sad.  I'm starving so I do need to it, but it's really hard right now.  Nothing sounds appealing.  I could eat a yogurt, like I do all the time when I'm in this position, but I already had one today so I don't want to OD on yogurt.  I need to figure something out and I guess that requires me going into the kitchen and staring blankly at the fridge.

This sucks...my cat situation.  I know he's old, but this sucks.

Friday, September 11, 2015

New and Weird

I started my new schedule with Charro this week and I no longer see her  on Friday mornings, which seems bizarre.  I'm sure there will be days when I have to go in on Friday instead of Thursday, which of course means that she will WIF me.  I was on my way to her yesterday morning and she emailed me to see if I wanted to reschedule for today because she was stuck in traffic.  My response was "I'm almost there."  I got my ass out of bed on a rainy day, bright and early and paid for the bus to get down there, I was not rescheduling for this morning.  It all worked out and she got there 15 minutes late, so she's going to make up the time to me on Monday.

I'm tired.  I'm not sleeping well because I'm worried about my cat.  He's not doing well.  I'm trying some meds to get his strength back, but he's old and I don't know if they'll work.  I don't think I'll have much time with him. :(  It's very sad.  Of course, I put his needs above my own and probably am not eating enough, but I don't care.  Speaking of which, I should probably eat breakfast.

I can't believe it's been 14 years since our country was brutally attacked.  September 11th is a day that all of us remember every detail of where we were and what we were doing when all of this happened.  There are still no words.  I see Tower One, the new World Trade Center, every day and think about what used to be there.  Never Forget!

Friday, September 04, 2015

Not for real

Well, we had WIF again today.  I was supposed to see Charro yesterday, but she had a scheduling issue so I ended up seeing her today, which meant one more WIF.  I didn't pass today.  I didn't care.  I've been dealing with my sick cat so I've had more important things to worry about.  She said that I need to get it back up.  Okay.  I'm sure she'll bring her scale to our sesh next Thursday and surprise weigh me.  That will be fun.

I'm so tired.  I've been waking up at 5 AM because that's when my cat gets up and I'm worried about him so I haven't been sleeping well anyway.  He's old and he's not doing well and that makes me really sad.

I ran today for the first time in 3-4 weeks.  My head was bothering me after I played field hockey two weeks ago, so I refrained from running.  I probably overdid it today, but it was a good run with one of my friends.  I was dying a little, but that's okay.

I have to go out in a few minutes to meet up with some friends.  I already ate dinner so I could avoid paying $50 for a $10 meal.  I hate that, when they split the check and you've had one thing and they've had a million things and drinks.  It's not cool, so I avoid it all together by just not eating.  I told them I'd pop in and say hello.  I just want to go to bed and I have a bit of laundry to fold still.

I guess I should get dressed so I can go meet these guys.  At least it's right on my block.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Last WIF, for real

Tomorrow will be my final WIF...not because Charro is going to stop weighing my, but because I will no longer be seeing her on Fridays.  So, WIF will become either WIM or WIT.  It's not as fun to say.  I think I'm going to have a problem passing WIF tomorrow too, which will be an issue.  

I'm sad that summer is coming to an end.  I don't like it one bit!! I love summer so much.  I wish I had the ability to move south for 4 months so I didn't have to deal with winter.  

I hope I'm not getting a cold.  I have some cloggy chest thing going on and Charro was sick last week, and touched my bagel with her nose blowing tissue hands.  Blah!  Oh well.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Crazy awakening

I was texting with a friend this morning, who I recently reconnected with.  She came into the city on Monday so we got to hang out for a bit.  She and I were pretty tight back in the day, she's bulimic and we colluded with one another.  Anyway, this morning she said how she hopped on her scale three times and got three different numbers and how aggravated she was.  I thought, I do not miss that.  I don't miss those days of hopping on and off the scale 10 times each time I weighed myself.  I needed to get three of the same weight readings in a row in order to believe that that was my weight.  Not really a life I miss, I've got to say.  I felt like saying to her, "You don't need your scale," but I didn't want to sound like one of those annoying recovered people (which I'm so not) trying to say that life can be better.

Second to last WIF

WIF is winding down.  Today we had WIF in Kruger's office on Charro's scale, which I like better then her real scale at the other office.  This one is her personal scale and it's digital and I like it.  Anyway, I thought it would be wise for me to bring breakfast in for the two of us, since I needed to be a certain weight and I thought that would help the process along, temporarily at least.  Apparently, Charro isn't as dumb as I thought because she was like, "Don't think I don't know what you're doing with this eating thing."  Oh, okay, you got me.  It worked though because I didn't fail WIF.  :)

Charro kept saying, "We need to talk about what's going to happen because I won't be able to weigh you anymore when we switch offices.  (I got very, very excited about that).  I said, "Okay, let's talk about it."  She asked me if I would continue to weigh myself and I said, "No."  My logic behind that is that I won't have to lie to her about my weight if I don't weigh myself.  Then she said I should weigh myself ever 2 weeks, then she said I shouldn't.  Then she said she was going to surprise weigh me with random weigh ins every now and then, which I am not thrilled about.  I don't want random weigh ins because I can't properly prepare myself for them.

So, I have one more WIF to get through and then who knows what will happen.

Oh, so Charro spilled food on her boob and she must have licked her finger to try and get it off, so she was rubbing her boob.  She goes, "Excuse me while I lick my breast."  That was hysterical.

Friday, August 14, 2015

You failed

Those were the words out of Charro's mouth when I stepped on the scale for WIF today.  She said I "failed" but that she was going to give me ONE MORE CHANCE.  I've been lucky because I've been given a lot of those "one more chance" things.  I walked away and she said, "Come here."  Then she moved the scale levers and said, "This is where you need to be next Friday.  You have one week.  I don't care if you have to drink Ensure or Boost, well I do care, but you have to eat 500 calories more a day to get there.  Got that."  I was unresponsive.  She said, "Hello!"  I said, "I am unresponsive because I don't think I've got it."  I said, "You're not going to weigh me on Tuesday and say, "Uh oh, you didn't make it, are you?"  She said that she wouldn't and that she'll weigh me on Friday.  That was WIF.

My glasses are incredibly dirty but I just did my nails so I can't clean them right now.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Office News

Charro gave me great news today about her office changes.  Come September, I will be seeing her in the same office that I see her in on Mondays, on Thursdays.  I thought I was only going to get to see her once a week but now I can see her twice a week still.  Yay.  The other sesh was going to be a Skype sesh, now it doesn't have to be.  She said, "We're going to have to figure out how to weigh you in here though."  Hmm, or we can just NOT weigh me.  I said, "Or you can just go by what I say my weight is."  She was like, "If you'll be honest."  Not a good idea so let's just skip the weighing and I won't weigh myself either so I don't have to lie about my weight. :)  Sounds like a plan to me.  I'm just so happy that this office situation is going to work out in my favor.

So I was in the middle of talking and Charro got up to apparently throw out a piece of her hair.  Well, the garbage is right near the door so she opened the door and pretended she was leaving.  My face must have been classic.  She said, "Sorry, I just wanted to mess with you.  I guess that wasn't very professional of me."  It was kind of funny,

My feet feel like they're going to fall off right now.  Maybe I'll soak them in an ice bath.

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Throwback to WIW and some changes

Well, we had WIW on Charro's personal scale last night, in Kruger's office no less.  Now, it doesn't get weirder than that.  She covered the brand of the scale, which I thought was pretty funny, but I figured it out.  It's all good.  Anyway, I stepped onto the stupid scale and was exactly 103.5.  Freaking amazing, since that's the number she said I needed to be.  I have to say, I was pretty shocked myself.  Here's the problem, this was after a full day of eating and drinking, so it was kind of easier to achieve.  It gets worse...Charro says I have to be 105 on her (the doctor's scale at her other office) next Friday.  I don't even think I could hit 103 on that scale.  I tried to explain to her the difference between morning and night weight.  She didn't seem to care and said I need to be that weight on her scale.  She said, "So what do you think, you're 102 right now?"  I was like, "What do you mean?  That I was 102 this morning?"  I didn't really know what she was trying to say, but what I do know is that I will most definitely not be at the weight she wants me to be at next Friday.  There's too much weight that would need to be gained for that and it's not going to happen.

So here's the other big news, Charro's getting an office outside the city.  She's looking at one today.  She'll still be in the city once a week, but I'm definitely not going to the other office, if she gets it in the town she's looking at now.  I'm sure it would be lovely, but it's a $20 train ride and 50 minutes on the train each way, which, by the time I got to the train station, would be like and hour and 20 minute commute each way.  That's not happening.  We'll Skype.  Oh, and her schedule is going to change too, so I don't even know what days I'll be seeing her.  Things are getting crazy here and I hate change.  I hate not knowing what's going on.  She doesn't even know, so she will tell me as soon as she does.  Oh, and she'll probably be in a different office when I see her in the city, which will now most likely be on Thursdays, which thankfully works for me.

Monday, August 03, 2015

Scale mishap

I didn't get weighed today because the scale wasn't working properly. :)  I get one more chance.  It shouldn't be too hard to make weight on Wednesday, since I'm not seeing Charro until the evening.  That gives me all day to eat, drink and be merry.  We'll see what happens.  I thought it was funny when Charro told me that the scale was off in her office and in the bathroom.  I can't say that I wasn't surprised.  I was laughing on the inside.

My doctor just called with my blood work.  I wanted to ask her about my stinky armpits when I saw her, but forgot.  I was going to ask her on the phone but I felt stupid, so I did not.  I'm still so bummed that she's moving. :(

Sunday, August 02, 2015

For real this time

So I'm probably going to get fired from Charro tomorrow, because I almost did on Friday, but she's giving me ONE MORE CHANCE.  For real this time.  She really won't see me anymore.  I don't even care at this point.  I really don't.  It's too exhausting to care about.  She said that I need to be half a pound more tomorrow, which I don't know if I will be, and I didn't intentionally eat more so I could be.  I just don't care.  So, we'll see what happens.  Obviously,  I don't want her to stop seeing me but I can't fight it anymore.  So we're having WIM tomorrow, which should be interesting since last time she tried to weigh me here the scale was jacked and it said I weighed 80 pounds.  Oh well, we shall see.

My glasses are really dirty.  

Friday, July 31, 2015

The stabbing

There was a stabbing in Charro's suite the other day.  A psych patient stabbed a doctor.  The doctor will be okay.  The guy then ran out of the building and down the street slashing tires before he was caught.  He was then taken for a psych eval.  Hmm, if he's already part of a psych program, I think we already know he has mental problems.  Lucky for me, this is probably my last day going to that building because Charro (and all of the other therapists there) aren't allowed to see people who are not in the program.  I'm kind of glad for that now, after this incident.  Let's be honest, there's more of a chance of something like this happening when you have a large amount of mentally ill people in one spot.

Ironically, I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment across the hall that morning, but they canceled it the night before.  Crazy.

The other good thing about not going to this building anymore is no more WIF. :)  She told me she'll have to figure out a way to weigh me on Mondays, but there is carpeting in her office and I told her that I will not go out in the hall where people will see me.  She wants to do it in the bathroom.  I'm like, "I'm not going into the bathroom with you so people can see us both walk out of there with you having a scale in  your hand."  No way!  Anyway, if I don't make weight today, I'm done for a while.  We'll see what happens.

In other news, my doctor, who I absolutely love, is moving to Florida.  I'm so sad.  I asked her if she'd go stand up paddle boarding with me when I go down there and she said that she would.  She gave me a big hug when she said goodbye too.  I'm so sad.  I love her.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Incompetent

Charro said I make her feel incompetent.  We were discussing the breakfasts I had while I was away with my family and she was mad that I considered a yogurt breakfast and that I didn't order something when I went out to eat with my family.  

So here's what happened.  I had a yogurt, went for a run, and then went to breakfast with my parent and nephew.  I wasn't hungry so I didn't order anything, since I had just eaten a yogurt like 90 minutes before that.  I ate half of my mom's pancake, but that was not satisfactory with Charro.  That when she said that I "make her feel incompetent."  Oh well.  She's not, maybe I am.


I think I need to turn my AC on.  It's not humid here at all, but it's currently 84 degrees in my apartment, which is not good sleeping conditions, obviously.

Oh ya, WIF, I failed it again.  She's giving me until next Friday and then if I'm not up, we're done for a while.  She always says this.  We'll see what happens.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Exercise bulimia

Yesterday Charro threw out there that I have exercise bulimia.  Okay, I wouldn't completely agree with that one, but whatever, she's the professional.  I wonder if she thinks I work out a lot more than I actually do, or if I underestimate things.  I think it might be a little of both, to be honest with you.  I definitely do not work out all that much, but I do walk a lot.  

Charro said how I "have to be up" on Friday for WIF.  Not sure how this is going to go and I don't have a scale to weigh myself on this week to find out what I'm hovering around.  Oh, maybe the gym at my hotel will have a scale.  (I'm going away for a few days).

I'm going to beach it for a few days.  I can't wait!!  Bring on the surf baby!

Friday, July 17, 2015

The Frappe

So Charro followed through and got me a caramel frappuccino.   I was not thrilled.  I was even less thrilled when she made me eat a vanilla scone with it.  Oh ya, the frappe had whipped cream on it too.  Shoot me!  I didn't finish it during our sesh, but finally did when I left.  Blah!  So, I NEVER have caffeine but I made her get my drink with caffeine because I figured it might help me burn more calories than the decaf.  Anyway, I think I was talking 500 mph by the end of our sesh.  My head felt weird for 6 hours after that too, which I'm pretty sure had nothing to do with my run there, but rather the caffeine.  I think I gained 50 pounds from it.

So here's my dilemma...I'll get weighed on Friday, and if I'm not up, I'm not really sure what will happen, but I don't think it's going to be good, but I go to the doctor the following Tuesday for a physical and I do not want to weigh more than 98 lbs when I go there.  I have to be 104 on Friday and 98 four days later.  Hmm, we'll see how that goes.  I definitely do not want to weigh more than 100 when I go to the doctor.  I wonder if she's going to ask me anything about my ED, since I told her about it last year, or if she won't even remember.  Should be interesting.  We'll have some concussion stuff to discuss, but not much else.

Charro was on vacation the rest of the week so I did not see her this morning.  I'll see her on Monday and then I go away for a few days and then I'll see her on Friday.

I need to go to the fruit man and to the grocery store but I don't feel like it so I probably won't go.  Oh well, there's always tomorrow. 

Friday, July 10, 2015

Hallway WIF

WIF was a complete nightmare today.  They moved somethings around in Charro's office, and she was not happy about it because the scale was one of the things that got moved.  Anyway, I got on and she made me get off while she moved it and did something else to it.  She made me get back on and she didn't think it was right so she was like, "Come with me."  I shook my head no and was like, "I'm not going out there."  We walked down the hall and there was a scale right out in the middle of the hall.  There was a man standing next to it, getting coffee or something, and then other people, patients, I think, walking by.  It was right by a room so I sort of stepped into the room and looked at her and was like, "I'm not getting on that."  I was NOT happy about this, to say the least.  I didn't want everyone to see me getting weighed.  I don't care about the number, I just don't want people to see me there period, never mind getting weighed.  So, I got on and it seemed like it took a while for her to get my weight.  I got off and turned right around and started walking back to her office.  I looked at her and said, "I'm going to kill you right now.  That was not cool."  We got into her office and she goes, "Do you hate me?"  I said, "Yes, that was so not cool and not okay."  She tried to explain to me that that's the scale that everyone uses and it's not for ED people, just for everyone in the program.  Then she went on to say how substance abuse used it, which backfired because then she had to explain that people aren't going to think I have a substance abuse problem now.  Whatever, none of it was okay and that is NEVER happening again, that's for sure!!!  She's not going to hear the end of it from me on Monday.

Speaking of Monday, I'm seeing her in the morning and she's bringing the stupid latte (or something) with whipped cream (NO thanks) and then proceeds to tell me that she will bring me a little something to eat with it as well.  Um, NO thanks!  No need for food when I'm having this huge caloric beverage.  Yuck.  Maybe she'll forget, but I've gotten off so many times with this that I think it's actually going to happen this time.  :(

Monday, July 06, 2015

Date invite at Charro's

It's been a strange day.  I was on my way to Charro's and I saw this woman who I saw on the subway yesterday.  I was on a train I never ride and I saw this woman with her son.  I noticed her because her arms were nice and toned, then I saw the skull tattoo on her arm.  That was it, I went on my way.  So today I'm walking to Charro's, in a different part of town, and I see her crossing the street.  HOW WEIRD!!  Okay, really, it is so weird.

I get to Charro and have my sesh.  My bra strap fell down and she commented on how I was wearing a blue bra.  Um, ok, that was odd and I don't remember what she said but it was funny.  Then she said, "Not that I'm checking out your bra."  She then said how hard it is to find navy blue.  Well, not when you don't have big boobs it's not.  

We talked about my WIF jeans, at the very end of my sesh, and she said something about how I shouldn't have let the cat out of the bag on that one, but I did and that's what I'm supposed to do.  She said, "From now on, No WIF jeans, keys in your pocket, or belts on WIF.  I said, "I have to wear belts or my pants will fall down.  She said, "Then buy smaller pants."

I'm going to have some time to kill on Friday.  I wasn't supposed to see her on Friday but now she's around so I'll see her at 9 AM and then I have a doctor's appointment in that building at 1 PM.  I'll have 3 hours to kill.  I guess I can go get lunch somewhere close by, but that's a touristy area so there's nothing good and cheap.  I'll figure it out.  I'm going to see if I can change my 1 PM and make it earlier, but I'm guessing that I won't be able to.

I left Charro and went out to the elevator.  I put on my Fitbit and thought I heard her coming, but it wasn't her, it was an old man.  We got on the elevator together and when we got off he said to me, "May I take you to lunch?"  UM, NO!  I said, "No thank you, I already ate."  Then I asked him what he was going to eat and he said fish.  I said, "Good thing I said no because I don't eat fish.  Have a good day."  I emailed Charro right away to tell her because I knew she'd find that funny and she responded with, "Oh no.  I saw him, he's a little off."

Friday, July 03, 2015

I had a dream I was really late to my sesh with Charro.  I was hanging out with one of my friends at her apartment and then I realized I had to leave.  We went to the subway but the subway wasn't coming and a different line was one the track, and I couldn't take that one.  It was chaos in the subway station because there were subway tracks everywhere and I was trying to cross them to get to the right train.  By the time I finally got to Charro's it was 7:30 and I was supposed to be there at 6 PM.  I walked in and another one of my friend's was in the lobby packing up her stuff.  She was wearing her scrubs.  I asked her what she was doing there, and right after I asked I thought how stupid that question was.  She paused and said, "I was meeting with Charro."  I said, "That's who I'm here to see."  Oh ya, on my way in I found wads of money, like a ton of it.  I picked it up and I didn't know what to do with it.  It was wrapped in an elastic band.  Anyway, Charro comes out of her office and there were now a couple of other people in the room and she said she was running a group, if I wanted to come in.  She asked what happened to me and I apologized for being late and we stepped into her office for a minute.  I asked her if she wanted me to come back and she said yes.  I must have started talking with my friend who was there because Charro came out when she was done and we all started talking.  We all walked out together and we had to walk through what looked like someones dining room.  She said, "Robin, this is (I don't know how she referred to me but she introduced me to Robin).  (Side note:  Charro's second office she shared with this woman named Robin).  She totally knew who I was, which meant that Charro talked to her about me.  We then continued on out, down the elevator and out the door.  We were discussing the money and what to do with it when we realized it was fake.  When we walked out the door there was another wad of the fake bills.  We kept on walking towards transportation.  My friend, who was now an old friend from growing up was with me and she hopped in a cab.  I guess we were taking a cab so I hopped on in too.  Charro went the other way.  Oh ya, I had a big backpack with me too.

Weird dreams

I need to go for a run but I don't feel like it.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Must do it.

Thursday, July 02, 2015

Forgot the scale

Charro forgot to bring her scale yesterday, which made me happy.  She also told me that she can't do next Friday and then she'll be away the following Friday, so that means I will not be weighed by her in over a month.  That makes me really happy. :)  It's all so stupid.  I refuse to gain weight, so why can't she just accept that and move on?

I wrong a song about entitled "I Wear WIF Jeans," to the tune of "I've Got Sunshine."  I half sang it for her yesterday.  One of the lines is how I wear WIF jeans (My heavily studded jeans that I wear on Weigh in Friday) to make sure I'm 103.  So, of course that became a heated discussion about how I'm trying to fool her into thinking I weigh more, which is not untrue, but I also make weight when I'm NOT wearing those jeans, so it's not entirely true either.  Of course this all happened with 2 minutes left in my sesh, so we didn't get very far.   I think she's over it all, but I kind of am too.  

I'm also kind of annoyed that she just told me that she won't be here next Friday.  She was out sick last Friday.  I guess I really don't care since that's WIF, but still, and then she's gone the following Friday.  Whatever.


I feel like I have bugs crawling in my hair because I was just out working on my plants.  I'd like the sun to come out.  I planted some seeds from a pepper the other day and I'd like to see if they're actually going to grow.  My mom will be so happy because they're her favorite peppers.

I think I'll eat lunch now, even though it's only 11:12 AM.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Here comes WIW

Charro asked me if I was sad because we missed WIF on Friday.  I said, "No!  I was so happy that you cancelled."  She said, "You were.  You'd rather have WIF cancelled than see the brilliant me?"  I said, "yes."  Then she said how we won't have WIF this week and I responded with "I know, I'm very excited."  Then she decided that we'd have WIW in Kruger's office.  I said, "Kruger has a scale?"  She said, "No, but I will bring one."  I tried to tell her that she shouldn't carry it on the train because it's heavy and that it wouldn't be calibrated correctly.  She disagreed and then said how I wouldn't get to see my weight either.  What?  Why is that?  She said because she's in charge and that I'd weigh myself at home anyway.  That is true, but she lets me see my weight on Fridays.  Hmm, whatever.

So she asked me why I was wearing my heart rate monitor.  I told her that I wasn't, which, I was not...at that moment.  I had my watch on that goes with it, but had taken the rest of the device off.  So, when she asked why I was wearing my HRM monitor and I said, "I'm not," it wasn't actually a lie.  I was NOT wearing it at that moment, but I was wearing it on my run on my way to see her.  Oh well.  It could possibly be considered a lie but not like the one she's going to tell Kruger about the cat statue she hides every time she uses Kruger's office because she doesn't like it.  I guess that's to avoid hurting her feelings, but whatever.

Okay, time to get my laundry out.

Friday, June 26, 2015

WIF Relief

I woke up and checked my email and there was one from Charro saying that she was out sick today.  I was not disappointed because that means that I don't have to have WIF.  :)  Since next Friday is a holiday, I won't see her then either, which means NO WIF for two weeks in a row.  Just when I was about to get fired too.  Somebody is watching out for me.

I have a busy weekend.  The weather is going to be crappy, which stinks, but whatever.  

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Yellow hands

I had an interesting sesh yesterday, to say the least.  It started out pretty normal and then Charro looked down and noticed that her hands were yellow.  She asked if I thought they were yellow and I confirmed that they were.  She started freaking out about them, rightfully so, I guess, and started googling "yellow hands" during our sesh.  I kept asking her if she wanted me to leave because I could tell that she was freaking out and kind of felt like she wasn't going to be able to pay attention to me and it was going to be a waste of my money.  I also wanted to leave so I wouldn't have to do WIF.  Anyway, I stayed for 35 minutes and then she asked if she could give me some time next week.  She said she'd give me 10 minutes more, but I don't think she realizes that she cut me short 15 min.  I'm not going to tell her, so whatever.  I kind of feel like should get a free sesh, since we talked about her hands most of the time.  It is what it is, and she was freaking out, but still, it's not cheap.  Oh well.  I wouldn't have written about this if there was something seriously wrong, but there wasn't.  Turns out her yellow powder spilled in her bag and it got all over her hands.  I've never heard of yellow powder, but okay.  I emailed her to see how she was and she was at the doctor waiting.  She emailed me about 10 minutes later to say it was yellow powder.  I'm sure she felt like a dumbass, but it happens to all of us.  I got shit on by a bird on my way to see her yesterday.  I guess that turned out to be good luck because I was "ok" for WIF.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Tomorrow is D day

I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of worried about WIF tomorrow.  I don't think I'm going to make it and that will be the end.  I need to pick out an outfit to wear.  I should do that as soon as I'm done with this post.  This is not going to be fun.  I bet she's going to want to weigh me before the end of the sesh too, in case we need to talk about it, or something.  I still think it's crazy how she thinks I've lost weight when I went from wearing 85 layers of clothes during our horrific winter, to wearing shorts and tank tops.  Clearly I've lost weight...in clothes.  There were some days that I had two pairs of pants on because it was so cold.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed gain back the weight that I lost when I never even lost it to begin with.  Blah.  There's a good chance that I'll leave my sesh really pissed off tomorrow, then I'm not sure what will happen and what I'll do as part of my reaction, but it probably won't be good.

Friday, June 12, 2015

No Starbucks, but Surprise WIF

I was fully geared up, and totally not ready for this full fat, calorie loaded, mocha lacka chacka drink from Starbucks today, but much to my pleasant surprise, it did not happen.  She had someone before me so she couldn't get it.  YAY!!  That was the good news.  The bad news is that she WIFfed me.  Yep, thought she wasn't going to weigh me until next Friday, since she weighed me on Tuesday, but she did and I lost weight.  I was totally unprepared for WIF.  So, once again, I got the lecture that if I'm not up at least a pound by next we "we have to take a break."  

My favorite is when she asks me why I've lost weight.  Really, I don't know.  I didn't know I had lost weight so how am I supposed to know why??  I don't know why, my body just did.  I lost at least another pound when I got home and cleaned out my system after eating too many berries yesterday. 

So that's the story.  The saga continues.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Surprise WIT

I did not see Charro on Monday so I went yesterday, to her other office...the one with the scale.  Yuck.  Much to my surprise, we had WIT.  (Weigh in Tuesday).  That was fun and unexpected.  I got the "If you're not up to 103 by next week, that's it, I can't work with you anymore."  Okay, how many times have I gotten that threat before?  85 million, but that's just an estimate.  She said she's giving me 10 days and that I "promised" her that I wouldn't go below 103.  Let's get something straight right now, I NEVER made that promise, ever!  I don't even remember that last time I weighed 103, maybe 15 years ago when I was in college?  So ya, whatever, I'll make it work.  Either her scale is wrong (and that works in my favor) or mine is wrong.  I'm going to guess that both are right, I'm just wearing clothes, have eaten and had lots of water before I get on hers.  So that's that.

She's supposed to bring in the most dreaded thing ever on Friday...A Starbucks mocha, frappe, whatever with with while milk and whipped cream.  UM...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  That is so NOT cool and if she does, it better have caffeine in it so I can at least burn a little bit extra off.  That thing is more than a meal and I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm hoping, really hoping, that she forgets.  I don't think she will this time because she's been saying she was going to do this for a few months now.  Something so exciting for me to look forward to.


Sunday, May 31, 2015

Fat stomach

I've been hating my fat stomach for a while now.  It used to be so nice and flat and now it's protruding out and I hate it.  Charro says I have to change my thoughts and accept how it looks and that it's "not fat."  Well, it's not at all how I want it to look.  I was coming back from a run today, well, I went and sat with a friend while she had breakfast after our run, and I could see my stomach sticking out in every window I passed.  I had to go to the bathroom, so that might have been the cause of some of it, but still, it was huge.  I can't take it.  I feel like I need to go work out again.

Of course Charro is not happy with my weight and says I need to gain weight and says, "Why do you always do this?  You go up and then you come back down again."  She didn't say it in those words, but that's sort of what she said.  I tried to tell her that I haven't lost any weight and that it was just my clothes that weighed more.  Oh, she pointed to where I need to be on the scale and I said, "If I took two sips of water I'd be there."  She was like, "That's not how it works, I'm the specialist."  I was thinking, "Ya, that's kind of how it works."  Oh well.  No WIF this Friday because I won't be going to my sesh.  

We're finally getting some much needed rain, and a little storm that has knocked out my satellite TV.  

Monday, May 25, 2015

Down the toilet

I've been given a weeks notice to gain weight.  Fun.  So that means I have 4 days.  Whatever.  I don't care and I'm not going to gain any weight.

So here's what happened on Saturday morning.  I think karma came and bit me in the ass.  I was getting ready to head to the gym.  I went to the bathroom, put the lid down and flushed the toilet.  I keep my heart rate monitor behind my toilet on a shelf and grabbed it.  Well, the little piece that straps onto strap fell and went through the tiny hole between the two screws that are there to lift the lid.  WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!!!??  I still can't believe it.  That was 100 dollars down the toilet...literally.  I can't tell Charro because then she'll question me about the HRM.  

I see Charro on Wednesday, no WIW, but there will be WIF.  It will be hot so I might have shorts on, which will cause an issue on the scale.  Oh well.

Friday, May 22, 2015

It's not me this time

Well, guess who got a concussion?  Nope, it wasn't me for once...it was Charro.  She had a million questions for me, since I've had so many.  I confirmed that her symptoms were in fact similar to the ones I've had.  She went to a neurologist a few days after it happened, I however, fail to even see my GP.  

That was a lot of our sesh, then there was WIF.  Oh WIF.  I started to put my jacket on right before WIF and she vetoed that.  There went 3 pounds of my life on that scale.  I got on and got the lecture about how I needed to be 104.5 on her scale, even in summer clothes, and I was at least 3 pounds below that.  I told her, once again, that it was because I was wearing less clothes.  Oh ya, before I got on she was like, "What's in your pockets?  You have funny shaped things in there.  Are those weights?"  So I took out the one piece of hard candy and the chapstick that were in my pocket and said, "See, you don't need to pat me down."  So ya, she told me that I need to gain weight.  I don't really remember what she said, but whatever.  It is what it is.  I said, "I honestly have not lost any weight."  She didn't care because she said I need to be higher.  I don't want to be higher and I probably won't be higher, so then we'll go through the whole "I can't work with you if your not this many pounds."  Grr,  Annoying.  Bed time.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Back in high school

I just came to the realization the my scale must have been wrong in high school.  There was one point in time when I weighed 92 pounds, according to my scale.  Maybe it was in the Winter or Spring because I always got my physicals for school in August.  If I had weighed that in August, I'm sure my doctor would have said something, but she didn't.  That leads me to believe that my scale was wrong or that I wasn't that weight when I went to the doctor.  Not sure why I thought of that today, but I did.

I wonder what will happen on WIF.  Hmm, it's 4 days away so we'll see what happens.  I don't think my eating has been that great.  I had dinner, I'm still hungry, which I guess is a good thing, but I can't think of anything that I want to eat.  I have cherries and pineapple in the fridge and I don't want those.  I'm not really in the mood for anything and when that happens, I just don't eat.  I'm sure I'll have some sort of snack in a bit.

I was sitting in Starbucks waiting for Charro this morning, because she was late.  I was hanging out when I saw her walk by, so I figured it was time to go.  I snuck (I refuse to say sneaked) up behind her on the street and we walked in.  My sesh was uneventful.  I really need to start talking about something.  I'll try and make a list for Friday.

I made an appointment for my physical today.  I don't go until the end of July.  I am very curious to know if she'll ask me about my ED.  Charro says that she will, if she's a good doctor.  We shall see.  All I know is that I'm going to want to weigh less when I go.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Almost caught in the act

I take off my Fitbit when I go into Charro's office because if she saw me wearing it, she would confiscate it.  I'll know if she reads my blog if she questions me on this, but I'm pretty sure she won't.  Anyway, I left her office on Monday and was waiting for the elevator.  I put my Fitbit back on and as soon as I got it on she walked out the door and was waiting for the elevator with me.  I moved my bag to block my right wrist.  I'm sure I looked suspicious and like I was totally caught doing something I shouldn't have been, when she walked out the door.  We chatted on the way down and then that was it.  

Today was WIF.  I don't know why, but I stood on the scale for 9 hours.  She said that I lost .6 of a pound.  Really?  I told her that I lost clothes.  She's not buying that one, but it's true.  Although, last week I did not have my wallet in my pocket and today I did.  Hmm.  I forgot what she said but I'm pretty sure it was something about me having to be up by next week.  We'll see about that.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Whole milk

On Monday Charro was talking about how she's going to get me some drink from Starbucks with whole milk in it.  She was saying that she can't pick it up because she has people before me so I asked her if she wanted me to pick it up.  Her response was, "No, I don't trust you."  Then I interrupted her and said, "I wouldn't trust me either."  There was more to it but I don't remember.  I do NOT want to drink something with whole milk, that's for sure, so hopefully this will never happen.  It's supposed to happen next Friday but I'm hoping something comes up and she can't get it.

I was supposed to make brownies and eat them.  Charro wanted me to do that because I told her that I was going to make brownies for mother's day but didn't want to because I didn't want to eat them.  She said I needed to make them and eat some.  She doesn't want me slipping into some slippery slope.

WIF should be interesting tomorrow.  I didn't lose weight, but I don't know if I'll weigh what she wants me too.  I'm not sure how chilly it will be in the morning so I'm not sure if I'll have on pants or shorts.  I'm guessing I'll have jeans on, which will be good.

I need to go to bed.

Saturday, May 09, 2015

Surprise Juice

Charro was supposed to bring some sort of mocha something drink from Starbucks yesterday, but wasn't able to do it because she had people before me.  She emailed me and told me that I could pick up a drink of my choice or we could do the challenge on Monday.  Well, I didn't have time to pick up a drink, not that I was planning on doing so anyway, but when I got there she had a surprise apple juice.  I had to drink that thing, which I don't think was so great for my colitis.  Oh well.  She said the next drink will be the mocha whatever with WHOLE milk.  I said, "There's no need for that!  No need for whole milk."  She disagreed, of course.

Onto WIF...she said exactly what I knew she would.  I was "down" 1.5 lbs yesterday because of my clothing and and she said, "You lost weight."  I said, "No, I lost clothes."  I'm fully aware of my clothes and what's in them and that they add a lot of weight.  The shiites really going to hit the fan when I'm wearing shorts and a tank top.  Oh well.

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Will there be a beverage?

Charro's bringing in drinks tomorrow, or so she says for the 50th time.  Surely she won't forget for the third time in a row, I can't be that lucky.

WIF should be interesting since I'll be wearing much fewer clothes than last week.  She'll tell me that I've lost weight and I'll say that I've lost clothes and she'll disagree and that's how it will go.


I cannot wait until the weekend is here.  Let this week be over!!

In other news...THE WEATHER IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 01, 2015

105.5 WIF

Nope, those aren't the call numbers and letters for a radio station, that's what I was on Charro's scale today.  Let's rewind a little, shall we?  Charro says I can't go below 103, but on her scale that means I have to be higher than 103 because she subtracts for my clothes.  Today is the first day that she let me see my weight and this was her new reasoning behind it.  She said that "being weighed blind is for people who don't weigh themselves, and let's face it, you weigh yourself all the time, so you may as well see your weight."  Okay.  She wants me to stop weighing myself but we all know that that won't really happen.  She said, "You need to stop weighing yourself yourself."  We then looked at each other and sort of laughed because she said "yourself" twice.  Anyway, she weighed me and I weighed 105.5 on her scale, which was clearly very traumatic for me to see that number, even though I know that is not what I weigh at all.  I had on jeans, a belt, keys in my pants, t-shirt, sweater, and a sort of heavy jacket with my wallet and phone in it, plus I had eaten and had lots of water.  So, I know that wasn't my real weight, not even close, but it still sucks to see that number.  I weighed myself at home and I was almost 7 lbs less than that, so unless my scale is totally off, my clothes weighed a lot.  Charro wants me to weigh more too, which is so not going to happen.

I was interrupted so many times while I was trying to write this that it might not flow or many any sense, but I've never been one for proof reading so what you see is what you get.

Oh ya, she forgot to get the caloric drink.  I was clearly so upset and disappointed by that. NOT.  She said she's going to bring one on Monday.  Awesome.  Can't wait.  Looking forward to it. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Shocker!

During my sesh yesterday, Charro said something that COMPLETELY shocked me.  She said, "I think it's time you see your weight."  WHAT!!!??  Did you really just say that?"  That was my response.  Um, OKAY!!  I am ALL for that.  She told me that in order for that to happen, I needed to stop weighing myself at home.  I was like, "Okay."  She wants me to get rid of my scale but that's not going to happen.  So, I'm facing forward on WIF and this time she won't tell me to turn around.  :)  

The caloric drink is supposed to happen on Friday too.  Charro also questioned my donut choice.  She said, "I was in Dunkin Donuts yesterday and I saw much better donuts than the one you chose."  Ya well my choice was the "healthiest" of them all.  It didn't taste good at all.  She also mentioned me eating a muffin again.  I made a face and then said, "I had one yesterday."  She asked what flavor and I said "grape."  Really, grape??  I then laughed and said, "I'm clearly not a good liar."

So, that was that.  Friday should be interesting.  At least drinking that dumb drink will make the scale say more.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Disgusting Donut

So I can't say that I'm feeling so hot from that dumb donut I had to eat this morning.  Charro was like 10 minutes late so when we got into her office she was like, "Where's your donut?"  I said, "I ate it while I was waiting for you."  She said, "Okay."  Then she asked me if it was a munchkin, because I had jokingly asked her if one munchkin counted as a donut, and I said, "yes."  She got all pissed and she was like, "NO, you had 1 munchkin??!!" and started to go off.  Before she could go off too far, I chimed in and said that I was kidding.  It was funny.  She was fired up.  I then took out the donut and ate the disgusting thing.  It didn't even taste good.  I got the one that had the lowest amount of fat, calories and sugar.  Anyway, that thing is sitting like a rock in my stomach right now and I have no desire to eat lunch at the moment.  Charro said our next challenge is potato chips.  I was actually kind of relieved that that's what she said, even though I have NO interest in eating them, because I thought she was going to say french fries, which is ten times worse.  Needless to say, I think she forgot about the our drink challenge on Monday.  She didn't mention it at all and I'm pretty sure she won't show up with a caloric beverage for me.

We have a game tomorrow and she asked me where and I told her and she said, "Oh, right by me."  I said, "Ya, you can stop by and see how bad we are."  Ha.

I wanted to throw up last night, not a feeling I have very often.  I had dinner at a friend's and was totally stuffed and thought about how easy it would be for me to throw when I got home.  I contemplated it on my mile walk home, but knew that it was really something I shouldn't do, even though I'd feel better after.  I didn't do it.  

Oh, I passed WIF.  I had my WIF jeans on.  It also helped that I had to chug a ton of water during my sesh to take my medicine. :)

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Dunkin

Tomorrow I have to eat a stupid donut.  I did what I shouldn't have done and looked online to find the least fattening donut that I can get.  Well, not of them are really suitable to my needs.  Let me start my day off with 14 grams of unhealthy fat and unhealthy calories and sugar.  I'm sure that's going to make me feel really good all day long.  Blah!

I am NOT thrilled about this one bit!!  Why the hell do I have to eat a donut.  It would be different if I was eating it for dessert, but this is breakfast...the most important meal of the day and I'm going to start it off with crap!!  Not cool.  I wouldn't even choose a donut for dessert because I don't even like them.  If I'm going to eat something good, it's going to be a brownie sundae or warm chocolate chip cookies.  I just have to get through this dumb donut and move on.  Charro says we're drinking caloric drinks on Monday, but she'll forget so that will be good.  At least I'm counting on her to forget.  She usually does so I should be okay.  I don't know why I need to have pointless, useless calories that have no nutritional value and tons of sugar.  I'm not okay with that.

WIF tomorrow too.  If I'm not "up there, the shit's gonna hit the fan."  That's a direct quote.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Donuts, really?

As I was leaving Charro's office today, she reminded me to "eat a lot."  Okay.  We discussed what I would have for dinner tonight, a burrito.  I got it on my way home and ate half of it.  I stuck a ruler next to it and measured it and sent her pictures, before and after.  I only ate half and she told me to eat 2/3 of it.  I'm sure she'll tell me that I need to eat more, especially so I can make WIF.  Oh, speaking of Friday, I have to get a donut and bring it in and eat it.  WTF?  WHY I ask?  Why do I need to eat a donut, something with no nutritional value whatsoever?  I am NOT thrilled about that at all.  She also said that we are going to drink a caloric drink on Monday.  Hmm, I'm thinking that she'll forget about that, so I'm not too worried about it.  She said it's time to challenge me.  Hmm, challenge me to a race, a game, something fun, not food things.  I'm not into that.

UPDATED INFO

Charro responded to my burrito email and said that I only ate 2/3 and I said, "That what you said I had to eat."  She wrote back and said, "I meant to say 3/4."  Oh well, she said 2/3 and that's what she got.  I thought I only at half, so that fact that she thinks I ate more is fune with me.  I still have to eat a donut on Friday. :(

The fan

On Friday, Charro said "Today, if you're not at weight, the shit's gonna hit the fan.  You have one week to gain the weight."  Um, okay, we'll see about that. 

I will not be walking down to my sesh today because it's pouring rain out.  It's a yucky day.  

I forgot to buy milk yesterday, which is annoying.  I had a little but then had to add some water to my cereal.  Oh well.  I need to get ready to head to the gym.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Beach day

Charro said I need to gain 2 lbs by next week or that's it.  I'm not sure what that really means because we've been down that road many times before.  I guess I'll find out.

I have avoided seeing this girl I know the past two weeks.  I saw her there two weeks in a row.  She's having a baby and I have to walk by the OB dept. to get to Charro's office.  The second time, she didn't see me, so that was good.  I have been taking a round about way to get to Charro's office to avoid this girl.  Not that I don't like her, just that I don't want her to wonder why I'm in the same building at the same time every week.  Not cool.

I'm going to the beach today.  That makes me very, very happy.  Well, I'm not going to lay out, although I wish I was, but I'm going out that way to explore and get cheap massages.  It will be fun.  I need to get ready.  I'm just so happy that it's going to be 80 degrees.  A month ago it was 20.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Crankster

I'm cranky today, not sure why, but I am.  I don't think I was before I went in to see Charro, however when I got there she commented on how I seemed like I was "pissed' today.  Hmm, interesting.  I didn't think I was but maybe I was and didn't know it but she could sense it better than I could and then I did get in a bad mood.  Interesting.

I hesitate to tell her about some of the dreams I have about her because of the questions she'll ask.  I dreamt about her husband and kids last night.  In the dream her husband's name was "Stayne" and he was really tall which hair to his chin.  He was a musician and had a gig that day so he was wearing a tux.  He clearly wasn't in a rock band.  Her kids were just running around outside.  Of course she wanted to know why I had this dream, as if I know.  I told her that I'm curious about her family, like what her kids look like.  That I don't know anything about them and I'm curious.  I said, "Wouldn't you be curious about my family if I didn't tell you anything about them?  She said, "No, I've had many therapists and was never curious about any of their outside lives."  I said, "Well then, you're different than I am.  It's like with teachers, I was curious about their outside lives."  So, I think she thinks that's weird that I'm curious about her family and she thinks that I'm weird because I'm curious about her family.  I think it's totally natural to be curious.  I'm going to pose a survey about this and see what others have to say.  So, if anyone is actually reading this and wants to chime in, please do.

WIF was WIF.  I didn't feel like getting on the stupid scale and was in a bad mood.  She said, "Keep moving."  Then she rephrased that and said, "I shouldn't have said moving because you'll take that as work out more or something."  

So that was that.  We'll see what Monday has to bring.


Monday, April 06, 2015

8 years

I started seeing Charro 8 years ago to this date.  Crazy.  I didn't think I'd make it past two seshes, but here I am, 8 years later and I'm still going.  I've come a long way.  I still have some improving to do, but I could live   the way I am now.  I guess things can always be better, but who knows.

I can't believe that poor Charro has had to deal with me for this long.  She wants me to make a list of things that I want to work on.  Hmm, I'm not really sure what those things would be.  Sure, I'd like to not freak out when I feel huge or like I've eating too much.  I'd like to not hate my body.  What I don't want to do is accept a body that I don't like because that means I'm settling and I'm not okay with that.  I know how I want to look and I don't want to accept something that is not okay in my standards.  Of course that could probably be argued.  So ya, I'm going to make a list (I think, for Friday).

As far as WIF goes, she says that she can't trust that I won't lose weight if she stops weighing me, so she won't, because she says that everytime she stops WIF I lose weight.  Well, I lose weight regardless of being WIFFED or not.  She said if I got up to 104-105 and stayed there for three weeks she would only do "random WIFs."  Well, I'm not getting up to that weight so I guess I'm going to continue to have WIF everyday.  I'll suck it up and deal with it.

I haven't been eating that great but that's fine.  Whatever.  

My cat seems sad.  I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow so we'll see what his blood work is like.  Hopefully nothing has gotten worse.

Friday, April 03, 2015

Forgotten dinner

I guess my eating hasn't been so great this week.  Charro asked me this morning how it's been and I responded with, "I forgot to eat dinner the other night."  I legitimately forgot.  I was driving, then I was on the train, and I just forgot about dinner.  Of course she doesn't see it that way and that I am too far along to "forget" about eating.  I really did forget, even if she doesn't believe me.  Of course, I remembered around 9:30 PM and had a yogurt and popcorners, but not really dinner.  I'm getting hungry now and should have lunch, but there's nothing that I'm in the mood for.  I don't feel like eating the same old crap, but that might be what I end up having.  Egg whites?  Blah.  I don't have any avocado to put on them so that doesn't sound appealing at all.

WIF then happened.  I tried to sneak my shoes on for that part but she had no part of that.  Then she told me that I lost weight and have to be up at least a pound by next week.  Then she said something about how I always go back to the eating disorder.  I didnt' go back to anything, I don't think.

Okay, I guess I'll figure out what to have for lunch.

On another note, 8 years ago on this day, I saw Charro for the first time.  More about that on Monday, when it's our "official anniversary."

Friday, March 27, 2015

Another Friday Sesh

Charro said that I lost weight and need to eat more.  I am pretty sure that I haven't lost weight, I just didn't have a chance to drink 8 gallons of water before I went in there because I ran into this girl I know waiting for another doctor down the hall.  She asked if I had an appointment and, of course, I lied and said that one of my friends works in the building so I was stopping in to say hi.  Anyway, ya so I was leaning against the wall when Charro weighed me and I didn't drink 9 gallons of water, (sounds better than 8), so I "lost weight."  I don't even give a crap.  I hope I did lose weight because I would be totally okay with that.

Charro said it's time for another "food challenge."  She says these things but then they never happen so it's fine and I'm not too concerned about it.  I don't really care anyway because it's not like it does anything.  It's one time of eating something that I wouldn't normally eat, and that's not really going to do anything to me.

I told her that I was hoping she'd cancel today.  She kind of understood, actually.  We'll see what I come up with for Monday.  She wants me to decide whether or not I really want to give up the ED or have it for the rest of my life.  Hmm...give it up and be skinny, but that's not possible.

Hoping for a cancellation

I was hoping Charro would cancel this morning.  I don't feel like going and I don't really have anything to talk about.  Unfortunately she didn't cancel.  She doesn't cancel a lot but I was hoping she would anyway.  I guess that means I need to get ready to go. Blah.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Close my ears

My sesh sucked today.  I can't really explain why because, I don't really know, I just know that it sucked.  I guess it was because Charro was saying things that I didn't want to hear.  I think she basically said that I'm going to be like this forever, since being skinny is so important to me.  Well, I guess I might be then.  Who knows.  It was a lot of her talking and a lot of me just listening and not wanting to hear stuff.

I met a friend for Thai food after and my food was so spicy that I couldn't even eat it.  I just tried to have a little more and my mouth and stomach were on fire so I stopped eating it. 

The end.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Deep thoughts

I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start taking action to lose weight.  I know I've gained weight.  I can see it and feel it.  I'm going ask Charro about it on Monday.  She's not going to give me any answers, I know.

It's so stupid that my weight is such a big freaking concern of mine.  I'm reminded of this as I hear the news about the "untimely" (I hate when the news uses that word because when is death every really timely) death of a reporter I watch daily.  49 year old, mother of two young boys, died of a brain aneurysm yesterday.  So tragic.  You go on about your day not having a clue that anything's wrong and then bam, life is over.  So incredibly sad and my heart goes out to her family.  All this and I sit hear and think about how much I hate my body.  It's unfortunate...all of it.  You'd think I'd be able to change those thoughts when things like this are brought into perspective, but I can't.  What kind of person does that make me?  It's sad.

I have to get ready to go over to my pregnant, anorexic friend's house.  This should be interesting.  Will she offer me food?  How will I react?  I think she's eating okay, but I don't see her enough to know so who knows.  I know she's not recovered, but hopefully she's doing ok.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Spring Snow and Fatness

There's nothing I like more than feeling enormously huge.  Is the redundant?  I don't care because that's how I feel.  They say fat is not a feeling, but I still disagree with that.  I feel fat and disgusting.  I feel like I need to go running and just keep on running.  I know I've gained weight because I'm wearing fewer clothes and Charro has not told me that I need to gain weight.  She doesn't say anything when I step on that scale, which is how I know that I've gained weight.  Maybe I need to discuss this with her on Monday.

I need to go to bed.  I had a dinner party tonight and every one just left and I'm all cleaned up.  I'm not going to lie, if I accidentally threw right now, I'd be okay with that.

Oh ya, it snowed today...on the first day of Spring.