Monday, June 30, 2014

The accidental run

I ran by mistake today.  I totally forgot and ran from my car to my sister's house because I was running late (it was all of 50 feet) and was going to miss my train.  Well, my head felt it.

In other news, Charro is back.  I told her about my concussion.  She asked if I went to the doctor.  I told her that I hadn't but I consulted with one.  She said, "It's good that you're not working out."  Um, I never said I wasn't working out.  I said, I wasn't running and didn't play field hockey.  I never said I wasn't working out.  I'm still working out, but at a very low (not even worth it) intensity.  I just want to run and now I'm going to be so out of shape.  This sucks.

My mouth is still hurting.  I went to the dentist this morning but she didn't say anything about my mouth pain, she just fixed something she did to me last week.  I have some Ambisol, but I think it's from 1987, so I may die from it.  I put it in my mouth but it didn't do much.  I'll have to try again.  I'll take some Ibuprofen before bed.

So I see Charro on Wednesday in Kruger's office.  How bizarre is that?  That's going to be weird.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

It's been a busy week.  My head's feeling better, not 100 percent, but better.  My tooth, on the other hand, has been aching and hurting ever since I went to the dentist on Tuesday.  So, I'm going back tomorrow.  I called and said that I need to come in because she messed up my tooth.  Gotta love the dentist.  I had no pain before she "fixed" my tooth.

Charro's back tomorrow.  Should be an interesting sesh.  Not sure what will happen when I tell her that I got a concussion.  She will not be happy about that.  I've been working out, but not at a high intensity.  I can't wait to get back at it, now that I'm out of shape.

So, that's about it.  

Thursday, June 26, 2014

One year ago

It was a year ago today (day, not date) that I had to put my little squisher to sleep. :(  The date was the 27th, but I will always remember what my Thursday was like last year.  It just sucked!!  There's not way to describe it.  I'm lucky though, she visits me in my sleep occasionally.  I believe in that.  I dream about her laying on my chest and I pet her and it feels so real.  I know she's there saying hello.  It's so comforting.  I love those dreams more than anything and don't want to wake up from them.  Maybe I'll get a visit from her tonight.  I would love that.

I miss my little squish and kissing her squishy little head.

Getting antsy

I'm not working out like I'd like to because of my concussion.  I'm starting to get really antsy about the whole thing.  I feel like I'm getting totally out of shape and fat, and I don't like it.  I'm actually more concerned about  my cardiovascular abilities than my fatness.  I was getting into good running shape and then this.  I'm hoping I'll be back to running next week, but we'll see.  I think I'm smart enough now to know not to push myself too much.  Charro's going to love it when I tell her that I got a concussion.

Speaking of Charro, her time away went by fast.  I was pretty busy, so that was good.  I'll see her Monday night.  It will be nice to see her.  I don't know if it's good that she's coming back now or not.  She's going to tell me that I shouldn't be working out with my concussion and will want to know if I saw a doctor.  There's not need to see a doctor.  I'll tell her I consulted with the woman I babysit for, who is a doctor...a very smart one at that.  That will hopefully be good enough for her.  I hope she doesn't threaten to not see me because of this.  We shall see.

Okay, I'm trying not to spend much time on my computer, so I'm actually typing with my eyes closed right now.  I wonder what this is going to look like when I open them.  It could be frightening.  

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Spinning eyes

I can't write much because looking at the computer screen bothers me right now.  I had a dream that I went to see Charro and I brought a few friends.  I got there and we all sat down around a table.  All of a sudden I didn't want my friends there and didn't feel comfortable talking to Charro with them there.  She realized that and told 2 of the 3 to leave.  One stayed and we talked.  Charro was wearing blue spandex shorts and a beige flowy shirt.  She was tan from just getting back from Italy and I told her that she "turned a color."  Then I said, "I mean, you turned a corner," which is what she always says to me when I get tan.

Okay, no more writing.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Can't afford this

It's possible that I got another concussion on Saturday.  That's so NOT a good thing.  I'm hoping that once my neck muscles stop hurting, my head will feel normal again.  I don't know.  I don't have high hopes for that.  I really, really cannot afford to have another concussion.  Charro is also going to kill me.  She's going to ask me if I went to the doctor and if I worked out.  No, I have not gone to the doctor because what can the doctor do, and yes, I worked out, but I have not gone running.  Whatever it is, it's not a good situation.  

I saw a pic of myself in a bikini from Saturday, and I was pleasantly surprised.  Of course, my legs were not shown, which is why I was okay with it.  

In other news, the weather is awesome!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

It continues

Unfortunately my fatness/fat roll situation continues.  I feel like my body has changed and I'm not sure if it's because I'm eating more or because I'm 36.  My stomach does not look the way I want it to.  I want it flat.  I don't want love handles or fat rolls.  I want it to be concave.  That's all.  

I don't like having anything excess on my body.  I just want skin, bones and some muscle.  That's all.  

I'm tired.  My friend who's staying with me is getting to me, and she's only been here two days.  I have another week with her.  Luckily I'm going home to work for a few days so I'll have a bit of a respite.  

I get to see my nieces tonight.  I can't wait to see them.  My brother said that my 10 year old niece is "getting chunky."  I let him have it for that because she is not anywhere near getting chunky, first of all, and he can NOT say those things.  My sister in law is probably already doing a good job of screwing them up.  I'm sure one of them will develop an ED and I'm not okay with that.  Grrr.

I need to paint my nails.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Let's get physical

I've made my appointment for my physical.  I'm supposed to tell my doctor that I have an ED.  Charro wanted me to wait to make my appointment for when she was back, which I didn't really intend on doing, but it happened that way.  If I could've gotten in while she was gone, I would have, just because it fits into my schedule better.  She wants to be able to talk to me about it though.

So it's set for July 15th.  Of course I feel like I need to lose weight before I see my doctor and tell her that I sort of have an ED.  I'm pretty sure that I'll change my habits to help with me being at a weight I'm comfortable at before I go see her.  I have an afternoon appointment so I'm sure that I'm not going to want to eat or drink a lot of water before I see her.  Yes, messed up I guess, but it is what it is.  Charro won't be in favor of that at all.

I don't know what I'm going to say to my doctor.  I don't know how she'll react or if she'll believe me.  She's younger than I, so that makes it easier to tell her (I think) because she probably has had friends with EDs.  It's also bad, though, because I feel like she'll think "you're in your mid 30s and don't know how to eat."  Who knows.  We'll see, I guess.  It won't be fun.

So, that's that.  My friend is here and we were supposed to leave 3 minutes ago to head out and she's not anywhere close to being ready.  DRIVES ME INSANE!!  She is always like this and I can't take it.

I'm all ready.  I just have to pee and that's it.  Let's go people, I haven't had lunch and it's now dinner time almost.  I'm starving and want to eat!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Always a fat day

I'm having a fat day.  Love those.  Well, I have them all the time, but sometimes they're worse.  I just feel and look huge, like fat rolls all over the place huge.  I thought I ate a lot today, but I guess I didn't.  Maybe because I ate meals at lunch and dinner (breakfast always happens) I feel that way.  I'm going to finish up my night with some cherries, and that's it.  Maybe some day I won't feel fat and have fat rolls all over.

My friend is her for like 10 days.  She leaves and another comes.  Busy busy.  It better not cut into my working out.  We'll have fun.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

No Bertha

I've some how managed to stay off the scale so far, which is a bit shocking.  I guess I'm a big girl now.  lol...maybe too big which is why I don't want to step on the scale.  Just kidding, you know how much I love "Bertha" so I'd be stepping on as much as I could, but I'm following Charro's directions and not weighing myself.

I've been going to bed hungry the past few nights.  I haven't eaten enough during the day and at night I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want to eat so I just don't.  I try a couple of things and nothing satisfies me so I just go to bed.  That's how I deal with it...or some might say avoid it.

This is the summer of appointments.  I went to the dentist yesterday and have to go back to get a tooth I chipped 2 years ago fixed next week.  I called my GI and my doctor to set up appointments.  Charro wants me to wait to have my physical until she gets back so we can discuss things, and by things I mean me telling my doctor that I have an ED, which I don't think I need to do because I don't really have one.  I also made and eye appointment, but that's not til September.  Geez.  My insurance still sucks and hasn't processed claims.  I need to call them and get on their ass again.

That's about it.  My boss was riding my ass yesterday, which sucked.  That's life.

My dad made me french toast for breakfast.  I still had some sticks too, but whatever.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Sleep therapy

I had a dream I was having a sesh with another therapist, because Charro was away.  (Funny, since she is away).  I was in the office, which was similar to one of her settings, not the office specifically, and people kept coming and going.  They were walking right through our sesh.  They were younger people leaving the group they were in.  

I was sitting on a chair talking to the woman, who's name I don't even know, and she was like "You're keeping a food log, right?"  I looked at her and said, "No."  She was like "You're not?"  I said, "No, Charro's not making me do one."  She said that she wanted me to do one for half the time.  I wasn't sure what "half the time" meant.  That's when I woke up, thanks to my cat.  

My legs are in a constant state of needing foam rolling right now.  I'll do that at the gym since my roller is not here.  

Friday, June 13, 2014

Run to lunch

The rain stopped just in time for me to go out for a run.  My game plan was to run downtown to my favorite little cafe, but it was pouring rain all morning.  They (weather people) said it would stop and then start up again in the afternoon, so I had a window.  

My running has surprised me.  I've been using the Runkeeper app and according to it, I'm running faster than I thought I do.  I'm also stopping at street corners, which it does not account for, so I'm actually running even faster than it thinks I am, which is cool...if it's accurate.

So, it was 4.5 miles to lunch.  I got there all sweaty, but it's okay.  I had a nice sandwich, tea and a little dessert thing and made my way home.  I took the bus home, I did not run. 

My mom commented about me going to eat alone and that I should wait until one of my friends could go.  I said, lots of people eat alone in NY and you never know who I'll meet sitting there.  Well, low and behold, I met a cute guy.  I struck up a conversation with him and we chatted a bit.  There was no exchange of numbers, but maybe I'll see him there again...I hope. :)

So my run was good.  My lunch was good.  I'm nice and clean now, well, sort of because I did some planting when I got home.  I like gardening.  I find it to be very relaxing, much like baking.  I'll have to remember that when I'm freaking out about something.

Maybe if I keep running my legs will get smaller.  Well, I doubt that, but a girl can dream.  

I'm supposed to go out with a friend tonight, I think, unless she doesn't decide to come out this way.  She works overnights so that's a possibility.  I'm guessing she'll be too tired to go out.

Why am I hungry already?  Okay, I guess my sandwich was pretty small, so that could be it.  That's what Charro would say to me so I'm channeling my inner Charro.  ha.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Back fat

I got an unfortunate glimpse of my back fat while putting on my sneakers in the locker room tonight.  That was a wonderful sight to see right before I had to stand in front of people, and mirrors, and teach a class.  I guess that shirt will never be worn again.  Let's not forget to mention the fact that I had SNE, and it wasn't even cold in the room.  Farewell lime green shirt that makes me look tan (and fat).  Blah.  For one brief second I tried to do what Charro says I need to do and say, "It's just skin" but that didn't really work.

My stomach is an issue too.  Rolls...and not the kind you eat, but maybe they're from eating them.  Blah.

The End.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Separating myself

This is how I can tell that part of me wants to be healthier...I've sort of cut out the unhealthy, eating disordered people from my life.  I have one friend at home who's like a big sister to me.  I love her to death but she's so incredibly anorexic and looks horrible that I don't want to be around her.  Now, her daughter is anorexic too.  I'm surprised it took 22 years for that to happen.  I just don't want to be around people that make me feel like I shouldn't be eating.  Part of me is jealous that she's so thin and sort of fit looking, the other part of me thinks, do you clients see this?  (She's a personal trainer and spin instructor).  

Another person, more of an acquaintance, is trying to touch base with me again but I cannot hang out with her.  She's all disordered and nuts.  No thank you.

In the olden days, I'd only want to hang out with disordered people...not so much anymore.  I guess that's a good thing.  Charro would think so.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Not the right choice

Hmm, I like driving sometimes because it allows me to think.  I either think or sing, both are nice.

I weighed myself.  I wasn't supposed to but I did.  I'll probably weigh myself tomorrow too.  I figure, I already did it so what's the point of not doing it now?  Ya, I guess it's that all or nothing thinking.

I'm hungry and I just ate dinner.  WTF?  I don't want to be hungry.  Maybe I should drink some water and tea.  That will fend it off for a bit.  I don't think I should be hungry and I don't like my weight, hence the desire to not eat things.  I'll end up eating, I know it.  Stupid!

Let's see what happens.

Monday, June 09, 2014

Buon Viaggio

Buon Viaggio.  Today was my last day with Charro for three weeks.  She's off to Italy.  I told her how fat I've been feeling and how sometimes it's hard to ignore that intense feeling and how it may lead to me not eating well.  She said that I have a choice, but I tried to tell her that it doesn't really seem like much of a choice when your thoughts and feelings are so intense.  She believes I can do it, but I have my doubts.  I told her how I want to be concave and she thinks that's gross.  I disagree and think a concave stomach looks good.  I told her that I sucked my stomach in the other day and I liked the way it looked.  I told her about the awful full-body bikini beach shot that my mom took of me and my huge hamthings.  I told her I'm going to show it to her so she can see my legs.  She said, "I'll be honest with you."  I said, "No you won't.  You would never tell me that they are huge."  She goes, "That's because they're NOT!"  I said, "Well, even if they were this big (showing her with my hands) you still wouldn't tell me they were big."  

I'm going to enjoy the next three weeks and not wish them away because I don't want to wish summer away.  I have a lot going on, lots of friends and family coming to stay with me, so it will be good.  Charro's vacation timing was perfect. :)  As far as what I do with my eating, we'll see.  Oh, I just remembered that I'm not suppose to weigh myself over the next three weeks.  Hmm, that's not going to happen. 

Sunday, June 08, 2014

Lovely day in the parks

My morning started in Central Park with a run.  My legs were very tired so my run was not far, but it was fine.  I was happy to be done with it.  I came home and waited for a friend to come over and then we heading to another park for a picnic with friends.  It was a lovely picnic.  Now I'm home, tired, and have a headache.  I cannot wait to go to bed.  

I think my decision to run to my sesh tomorrow morning will be decided for me.  If I was seeing Charro at my normal time, I'd run, but I'm going early in the morning and it's supposed to rain pretty hard.  Crap, I just remembered that I have to pay her tomorrow since I won't see her.  I must remember!!

I can't wait to go to bed.  I woke up at 4 AM and didn't really get back to sleep.  Maybe that's why I have a headache.  

I have some stuff I have to do so I guess I should do it.

Saturday, June 07, 2014

Hamthighs and stomachs

Some things don't me feeling and looking fat, for example.  I saw a picture of myself the other day from one of my trips to Florida over the winter.  It was a full length shot of me standing on the beach in my bikini.  Anyone who's been reading my blog knows how much I hate my hamthighs, so it should really come as no big surprise that when I saw this picture and saw how huge my legs were, I wanted to die.  (Okay, maybe not die, but tear it up and burn it).  I need to get this picture out of my mom's pile so no one has to ever see it.  I want to bring it into Charro so I can show to her so she can see that I'm not making this up, that my hamthighs are huge.  I know she'll never admit it to me, but she needs to see it for herself, even if it embarrasses me.

Now I've moved on to my stomach.  Which is huge and, ugh, just gross.  I need to get rid of it and maybe shed a few pounds.  Now's my chance.  Charro's going away for a few weeks, I can if I want to.  I probably won't because I'll her voice in my head telling me what I should be doing.  Sometimes that's good, and sometimes that really sucks.  I just want to be concave.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Still carrying

Charro tomorrow.  I love playing the "I wonder if she'll weigh me" game.  Let's see, tomorrow is the last time I'll see her for three weeks, which raises the chance of her weighing me.  When she gets back, I will no longer be seeing her in an office with a scale, which may increase or decrease the chance of her weighing me since she won't be able to weigh me again.  I'm thinking she won't weigh me though.  I'll know more in 12 hours.

I'm still looking 97 months pregnant.  I know it's because it's that time, but still, I don't like it any better.

I need to dry my hair and go to bed.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

97 months

I really hate when I feel/look 97 months pregnant.  I don't enjoy it at all.  I went shopping with my mom last night and bought a dress and tried it on when I got home.  I said to her, "I look pregnant."  She disagreed, but I think I looked pregnant.

Two more seshes before Charro heads out of the country for 3 weeks.  I know I'll want to skimp out on eating and lose weight.  I can't guarantee that I won't do that.  I go in waves.  I'll eat well for a while and then I'll decide I'm huge and need to lose weight and start skimping on things.  

I want to get my stomach to be concave.  The end.

Monday, June 02, 2014

A look back

I'm reading my friend's newly released book, "Does Every Woman Have an Eating Disorder," which I just received in the mail today.  I decided it's a good time to take a look back and write about all of the crazy things I did over the past 21 years to try to lose weight and stave off hunger.  I'll just list them.  I'm sure I'll forget some of the things I've done.

  • Hours on the stairmaster in my basement while wearing a raincoat so I'd sweat more.  I'd play Nintendo so my parents didn't know what I was doing and because it helped pass the time.
  • Wrapping my body in Saran Wrap so I'd sweat out excess water and get thinner.  (I knew it was water weight, but it didn't matter)
  • Take diet pills.  Different ones throughout many years.  My friend and I would take turns buying them and secretly pass them along to each other.
  • Drink vinegar because I heard from a wrestler that it helped you lose weight.  I figured it must be burning away at everything (including my stomach lining, I'm sure), and that will help me lose weight.
  • Drinking excessive amounts of water so I could throw up the 2 bites of ice cream I had
  • Throwing myself over the kitchen sink to help the above process along.
  • Drinking large amounts of tea and diet coke so I wouldn't eat.
  • Eating fireballs all day long so I wouldn't eat.
  • Measuring out the circle inside my house so I knew how many times I'd have to run it to equal a mile.  I'd go 44 times in one direction and then reverse it.  I quickly learned to close the curtains so my neighbor across the street didn't see me running around in circles inside my house.
I think that's it as far as the kind of crazy things go.  Then there were the more normal things like:
  • Working out at the gym everyday before going to sports practices.
  • Not really eating much of anything.
  • Working out twice a day (between high school and college)
  • Weighing myself almost 100 times per day.
  • Counting how long I'd pee for because I figured 10 seconds equaled 1 pound.
That's pretty much it.  Working out when I'm sick or injured was (sort of still is) the norm.  Charro always said how great it would be if I had to have hip surgery because I'd be forced to not work out.  I, however, disagree with that 100 percent.  

So, those were my crazy days.  I'm not as crazy as I use to be...That's a good thing.  Oh ya, the heart rate monitor, that's still in my life as I wrote about in my last post.  It's fine.  I want a Fitbit but Charro would totally kill me if I got one of those.  I'd be super duper obsessed.

I wanted to write this post so I can look back and remember all of the crazy things I've done.  I think it's good to have.

The heart rate monitor

My heart rate monitor came up again during my sesh today.  Charro was trying to get me to give it to her back in March, but that never happened and I think she forgot about it.  Well, it came up today and she said that I need to give it to her before she goes to Italy (Monday), but then she said, "No, we'll have to process the anxiety so you can give it to me in July when I get back."  Here's the good news, she will totally forget about that by then.  Please, she'd forget about it if she was here, never mind being away in Italy for 3 weeks. That's going to be the last thing on her mind.  I'm in luck.  I'm sure she'll want me to give it to her before I go on my trip in August, but I don't think so.  She said she wants me to give her both of them.  I told her that I don't know where one of them is, she was like "right," but I really don't.  I'm sure I could find it if I looked in the spot where I think it is, but I won't.  I could always give her the sort of broken one and keep my good one, that's an option.  :)  I'm just counting on her forgetting so I don't even think it will be an issue anyway.

Two more seshes until she leaves. (Sometimes I write "sesh's" because it looks better).  Maybe reading this new ED book that I got today will give me some stuff to talk to her about on Friday.  I should get reading.

Sunday, June 01, 2014

I missed my sesh

I had a dream that I missed my sesh with Charro.  I was late so I ran there because I thought it would be faster than taking the subway.  Well, I got lost.  At first I thought I'd only be 10 minutes late so I texted her from my dad's phone, because I didn't know where mine was, and told her that "I was coming."  I kept running and when there was no response from me I realized that she wouldn't have known that I had sent her the text because it wasn't from my phone.  I tried to text her again, while running, and I couldn't type on the phone.  It was my old LG phone that opens and has the keyboard, so I ripped it apart and broke it so the phone no longer worked.  I was able to put it back together.  I kept running.  I realized I was so far away still and then I had gone past where her office is.  Then I was at a bridge and couldn't figure out how to get to her office, then was at Madison Square Garden and didn't know which way to go to get to 6th Avenue.  It was a stressful dream.  I never made it to my sesh.

Agenda for the day:  Run in the park soon, lay out, meet up with a friend in the park.  The end.