Friday, November 28, 2014

The day after

I'm never eating again.  I'm going to the gym now and never eating again.  That's all.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Charro wants me to continue sending her pictures of my meals.  Well, I told her that that was going to be hard since I will be eating with my parents all week.  I am reporting back to her on what I'm eating, but not sending pics.  I'm not going to take pictures while I'm sitting at the table with my parents.  That would not be cool.  

This picture continuation is due to my meal demise.  Charro referred to it as "a slip."  I said, "It's not a slip."  She asked what it was then and I said, "A bad day."  Then she called it "a relapse."  I did not like that either and said that it made it sound so serious.  She said I don't take it seriously enough.  I don't think it is serious.

So, that's that.  The weight that I gained is gone, so that's good.  I'm sure I'll gain it all back by the end of the weekend.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Tight jeans

I decided, last night, that I need to work out more and eat less.  I put on my jeans, which were just washed and dried, and they were tight on me.  These jeans are usually really baggy and I don't have to unbotton them to put them on or take them off.  This is NOT okay.  They didn't get any looser while I was wearing them, which is also an indication that I need to eat less and move more.  I could not stand being in my own body last night.  This morning I will go to the gym and later I will play field hockey for almost 2 hours.  That is my day.  I can't guarantee what my meals will be like.  I don't care.  I'm sure Charro is going to want to know how things went this weekend and I guess I'll have a lot to tell her and she's probably not going to be so thrilled.  I did eat yesterday though.  I don't plan on really eating real meals today.  I'm going to be around food all week and have to eat, so this is my day to chill a bit.

Why is it that I have nothing to do in the morning and can sleep in, I wake up?  On those days when I have to wake up, I want to sleep and my alarm wakes me up.  It's so frustrating.  I'm tired and I wanted to sleep today but I couldn't.  I just woke up and that was it.  My eyes are so tired right now.

It's going to be warm tomorrow so I am going to run to my sesh with Charro.  I'll have to take my watch off so she doesn't ask me for my heart rate monitor.  I'm not giving it to her.  

Saturday, November 22, 2014

No more pictures

I'm supposed to be sending pictures of my meals to Charro, but I decided last night that I was going to stop doing that.  I feel like I'm driving her nuts by sending two emails to her a day.  I'm sure she probably doesn't care, but I told her that I was going to stop sending them because I didn't want to bug her will all of those emails.  She didn't respond so I guess she's okay with that.  This morning I realized that I don't want to send the pictures because then that means that I actually have to eat a meal.  There ya go.  I still don't want to bug her with food picture emails, but I think the fact that I don't want to be obligated to eat meals might be more of the reason behind me not wanting to do it.

I'm trying to clean up my place because next weekend I'll start decorating for Christmas.  Yay!!  That makes me happy.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Boots and WIF

I put my heavy boots on just in time for WIF today.  I take them off during my sesh and I thought we were done so I started putting them on.  I was getting ready to leave and Charro was like, "You still have a few minutes."  I was like, "Oh, I thought you were giving me the go signal."  She said, "I like how you put your boots on for WIF."  Yep, I did. :)  I probably weigh 900 lbs with those things on.

I've realized that eating 3 meals a day is hard for me.  Let's face it, my breakfast is quite minimal.  If I have a real lunch I usually don't want dinner.  Dinner tonight will be difficult, and who the hell knows what I'm going to eat for the rest of the weekend.  Hmm, not fun.

My English friend just sent me a package full of English treats.  I asked him if he was trying to fatten me up.  It was very nice of him to send me that stuff though.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Quote from Charro today, "103 is absolutely the lowest you should ever be."  Hmm...well...oh well.

Another quote - "Can you please start eating normally?!"
And - "I've had it up to hear with this restricting."  

I was in Kruger's office today.  I don't know why, but I really like that office.  I always like seeing Charro when it's dark, for some reason.  I feel like I'm always more relaxed and calm at night.  It was afternoon, but it was dark.  It's annoying to have to go out at night, like if I see her at 8 PM, but I love that time at the same time.

I'm sleepy and my cat is meowing.

Expanding body

I don't really feel huge, but I look huge, so I'm going to get my ass to the gym and run.  Well, I would run regardless, but I need to really run now, which is hard since I'm still trying to get back into it after having been unable to do it for 5 months.  It's so freaking cold out too, and I hate it.  I don't think I'll be walking to Charro's today, although I need to to get rid of my fatness.

Speaking of Charro, I had a funny dream last night.  I was in her waiting room, sitting at a round table with my friend and Charro was sitting there too.  We were all partaking in some small talk when Charro pulled out an electric guitar and started playing Enter Sandman by Metallica.  I was so shocked, confused, and highly amused and entertained.  I looked at my friend and go, "Is she playing Enter Sandman?"  My friend was like, "I think so."  Then Charro started singing.  Well, I busted out laughing and tried to hide behind my computer screen so she didn't think I was making fun of her.  It was pretty funny.  I can't wait to tell her this one later.

I can't believe how cold it is.  I might die.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Lots of weird dreams

I've had a lot of ED dreams this week.  Last night I dreamt that my parents were meeting Charro at Walmart to talk to her.  I knew they were doing this but I didn't go with them.  I did go and try to spy on them though, after going to the store next door to look at Christmas stuff.  So I got into Walmart and saw them.  It was a really nice Walmart and it had a Barnes and Noble in it.  I walked in and saw my dad hiding behind a clothes rack.  I guess he didn't want to meet with Charro.  I went to the back where B&N was and spotted my mom with Charro, except now it wasn't Charro it was Kruger.  I tried to hear what they were talking about while hiding behind some books, but I wasn't able to.  Oh, I just remembered that I had met with Charro for an hour before she was meeting with my parents.  I know she was with them for a while, but then it might have been in a house, unless that was another dream.  Let me bounce to that because I am now remembering that.  I met with Charro for an hour and then my parents came over and met with her for over two hours.  I remember wondering how much she was going to charge for that.  They walked in and I was there and we walked by some stairs that went down and Mike Brady was at the bottom of the steps.  I left and ended up at a very crowded gym.  I was definitely being disordered.  I was with friends, and I think they were disordered too.  I definitely was feeling competetive with another person who was at the gym and anorexic.  I was trying to find cardio machines that we could all get on so we could talk while we worked out for a while.  We spent some time at the gym and then we had to go get blood drawn.  I went with one other person and I saw this other doctor, who I really liked, and she sent us to get blood work.  We went downstairs into a room where there were just a bunch of metal beds, like stretchers, to lay on to get our blood drawn.  The workers recognized us, I guess we had to get blood drawn a lot for our EDs, and made small talk and then proceeded to tell us to take care of ourselves and eat well.  They were genuinely concerned about us.

So that was last night's little dream sequence, as confusing as it may be.  The other night I dreamt that I was at my house, which was this huge house with wood floors.  Charro was there, as well as a bunch of her colleagues.  Charro got there the night before and stayed over so we could have a sesh.  The next day was party time and thats when everyone else showed up.  My mom ended up talking to Charro's boss, a big wig in the ED community, and I was not too thrilled about that.  I was trying to hear what she was talking about and get them to break up the conversation.  Then I realized that there was cat puke EVERYWHERE!!!  It was on the counters, floors, walls, everywhere!  I grabbed some clorox to clean it up and it bleached out the hardwood floors.  It was a disaster.  Then the party was over so I walked Charro out to help her carry her bags.  The end.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Up 3

I've gained 3 pounds in the past couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how that happened and I don't really know if I'm okay with it.  Well, I guess I do know that I'm not really okay with  it.  I feel fat and I see cellulite on my legs and I'm not okay with any of this.  

I'm watching Hallmark Christmas movies.  I didn't really eat dinner so it's a good thing I took a picture of my lunch and sent it to Charro.  I didn't not eat dinner because I gained weight, I didn't eat dinner because I was at my sister's house and we were going to go out and then we didn't, and I wasn't really hungry so I didn't care.  That's how it all went down.

Cold weather is coming and I am NOT looking forward to it at all!

Monday, November 10, 2014

Picture this

I have to take pictures of one meal a day for the next 5 days and send them to Charro.  Good thing I took a picture of my lunch today because I didn't eat dinner.  I emailed her the picture and told her that I probably wasn't going to eat dinner because I'm still full for lunch.  I thought it would be best that I was honest with her about it.  I'll eat a little something but it won't be a meal by any stretch of the imagination.  

I'm having lunch with my co-worker tomorrow, so I'll take a picture of that and send it to Charro.  I think my co-worker wants to make sure I'm eating, hence the lunch.  Now that she knows she checks in with me, which could get annoying.  

Sunday, November 09, 2014

Being Lazy

I should go to the gym, but I'm not going to.  I was going to go into the park to take pictures, but I don't feel like doing that either.  My legs are tired.  I don't know why they're so tired, but they are.  I'm going to play field hockey later so at least I'll get some exercise.  I still should go to the gym, but that's not happening at this point.  

I'm going to do some cleaning instead.  That's always a good thing to do, and productive.  I should do laundry as well, but I'm not sure if I should wait and do it tomorrow or just do it now.  I probably should do it now instead of waiting until I have more dirty laundry.  Something might come up tomorrow night and I won't be home.  I doubt that though.

It's going to be a nice day for field hockey.  Yay.

Friday, November 07, 2014

Happy Friday

I thought Charro was going to forget about WIF today, but she didn't.  It doesn't matter because I put my shoes on and she didn't realize it, or if she did, she didn't care because she didn't say anything to me.  They're heavy too.  So, WIF was a breeze.

I told her what my parents said to me the other day.  She thinks I should talk to them because she knows I don't want them to worry about me, but I know that I'm not going to bring anything up with them.  I don't want them to worry and they'd probably worry less about me if I told them that I'm still seeing her, etc.  I told her I'd tell them that I'm "fine," but she said that is not true.  Hmm, I like to say "I'm fine."  It's the easiest thing to say.  She really, really wants me to talk to them about it all, but I will not.

She told me she saw the TFT on the subway.  I cracked up.  The TFT was from her very first office.  I'm sure I wrote about her back in the day, seven years ago.  She said, "I almost texted you to tell you but I didn't want to bother you."  I said, "You should have!"  She said, "Watch out for her, she was on the 6 train."    LOL.  I love Charro.

I'm supposed to bring her my heart rate monitor on Monday but since she didn't remind me about that, I'm not going to do it.  Oh wait, I wasn't going to anyway.

Tonight I'm going to be outside for a bit so I need to layer up.  Not sure if I should wear tights under my jeans or just my jeans.  I guess I'll only be out there for an hour so it's not like I'm going to freeze to death.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Burpees in Charro's office

I worked out in Charro's office on Monday.  I'm not sure how this all came about but I must have been talking about aerobics or something and she said she got an email with funny exercises but didn't know the names or what they were but then she remembered that one was called a mountain climber.  She asked me what it was and I demonstrated.  Then she said there was a really funny named one and I said, "burpee," and she said yes and asked what it was.  So, I showed her a few and then she was like, "Okay, stop working out in my office."

I can't take her skinny ass...literally, her skinny, no ass-at-all ass.  Her pants hang and sag and she doesn't try to be skinny.  She has stick arms too.  I can't take it.  I need to fatten her up.

Oh, here's one...My dad told me I looked anorexic in my Halloween pictures.  He said my face was all sucked in.  I said it was because I wasn't smiling and was making a mean face.  Yesterday, my mom told me that my face is too skinny, when she was looking at the pictures.  I said it was because I wasn't smiling and then I said that I look fine when I'm smiling so she wanted to see a smiling picture.  She said that my face was still too thin and then she said, "Look at your neck, how small it is."  I said, "That's because I'm wearing a shirt (my costume) that was 20 sizes too big.  She said, "That could be it."  My face does look really skinny in those pictures, but I had to look mean so I made a face.

Monday, November 03, 2014

Bye bye bowl

I gave my bowl to Charro.  I brought in two, one was my real cereal bowl and the other was this tiny bowl that I put paper clip in and stuff.  So she asked me about my bowl and I pulled out the really tiny one.  Her reaction was priceless.  I think she said, "That's really upsetting."  Then I gave her my real one and she still thought it was a bit upsetting but it was better than the other one.  I took the little one back.  She said how it looked like one that she had so I said, "You want it?  I was going to get rid of it."  So she took it.  She was happy.

I love how she tells me that I'm too thin, yet her pants were hanging off of her today.  She has no butt at all and is skinny.  Why is it okay for her to tell me that I'm too thin when she is thinner than I am?  Maybe I will have to bring that up with her on Friday.

She mentioned how we didn't have WIF last week because I didn't see her.  I told her that I was so sad about that and sat in my apartment all day to mourn.  Ha.  Stupid WIF.  I'll be ready for that on Friday.

I just had some soup but I don't want anymore so I didn't finish it.  I don't know why I'm so tired, but I am.

 I have the biggest knot in my right quad.  I always get them there and I'm sure it has something to do with my labral tear in my hip.  Who knows.  

Sunday, November 02, 2014

Um, no thanks

I had a dream that some weird man was following me.  That was not the bad part of the dream.  I ended up near some little pond and I may have been taking pictures.  This lady came out and we were talking and then she tried to stick a feeding tube up my nose.  That was the bad part.  I remember that she had made a strawberry milkshake and I said, "That's going to be really cold.  You cannot stick that up my nose."  I'm not sure what happened, but I know I fought it and then I woke up.

I ran 3 miles this morning.  I was planning on staying at the gym longer but my digestive tract decided that it was time to go home.

Saturday, November 01, 2014

Fatness returns

I'm feeling pretty fat and gross right now.  I always love that feeling.  UGH!  Hate it!!!  

I plan on running tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.