Monday, September 29, 2014

And I ran

I told two of my co-workers about my eating stuff.  That's how I phrased it.  I emailed them last week to tell them.  I didn't go into detail, but I sort of needed to tell them because of some stuff going on there.  Today, one of them was texting me and asking me a bunch of questions.  I was fine with it.  I told her that I've been dealing with this for 22 years.  She thought, initially, it was 7 and she felt bad about that.  Think about how she felt when I told her it was 22.  I do not want her to feel bad for me.  I don't want either of them to treat me differently, which is something I fear.  I definitely don't want sympathy though.  I'm okay.  I don't want them to feel sorry for me.  

I feel like other stuff has happened, but I don't know.  I've had such a packed 5 days and wasn't really around much.  Had an awesome weekend and now it's back to work.  Blah!!  That's not fun.

So, that's it.  I'm not sure WIF is going to go well on Friday, I may have lost more weight.  

Oh ya, I ran this morning.  I did two miles with NO concussion symptoms.  This makes me happy.  I'm going to start running again.  I'm supposed to wait until I see the neurologist, but whatever, I'm fine.  Charro tends to disagree with that, but whatever.  She's just afraid for me.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

WIF it

Charro told me that I need to gain weight after she weighed me yesterday.  I lost weight last week.  I should have asked her how much, but she won't tell me anyway.  She'll just keep on telling me to gain weight until I'm huge and where she wants me to be.  She says I need to be 102, but I know she will keep telling me to gain weight until I'm more than that.

I'm tired.  It's been a busy/fun few days.  My feet are killing me.  Tomorrow, we're relaxing with a beach day!!!  Yay!

Charro Monday and then work crap.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's only Wednesday

So I saw Charro this morning, she did not weigh me, but told me that I better NOT be down on Friday and I should be more.  Um, that is so not going to happen.  I'm pretty sure I lost about 2 pound since last Friday.  I asked her what I'm supposed to do, binge eat for the next two days.  She said no, that I should just eat more.  Um, okay, well if I lost two pounds it's not going to magically appear in 48 hours.  I'm not rocket scientist, but I can do math and I do know how my body works, so I will not be gaining 2 pounds in 2 days. She said that I chose not to eat while I was stressed out.  I disagreed with that.  I said that I couldn't eat because I felt like I was going to throw up and I wasn't hungry at all.  She didn't care for that answer and explained that I would not throw up and that you only throw up if you're poisoned or if you self-induce.  Not true, I use to throw up all the time when I was little and I was neither poisoned, nor did I self-induce.  I should have thrown that info out at her.  I can give her that tidbit on Friday.

So my friend is coming to town today for 9 days, and staying with me, by the way.  We have some fun stuff planned, which is good.  I need to have some fun after the week I've had.  The huge ass bug was the icing on the cake.  She'll drive me insane, for sure, but I'll hopefully make it through.  Thank God for Charro right now, that's all I've gotta say.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Three already

I can kind of see how easy it is to fall right back into an ED with just a few days of something stressful.  I've had no appetite and haven't really eaten much.  I ate the tiniest little bowl of cereal this morning, only because I was going to the gym.  I can see how after a few days of this your head can go back into the disordered place.  It just hit me, what if tomorrow my stress is over and I'm back to feeling okay, but I start to think, "I can't eat that."  What if all of the crazy thoughts come back?  I don't know what's going to happen.  UGH!  I just know that right now I do not want to eat and I'm not hungry.  I feel like I'll throw up if I eat.  

I've done nothing all weekend, besides go to the gym.  I could have gone out last night, but I chose not to.  I don't feel like being around people.  I might meet up with a friend later, but I kind of hope I don't.  I do have to go to the store.  

It was supposed to be nice and sunny today and I was going to veg on the roof all day, but it's very overcast and not nice out.  Oh well.

Beyond frustrating

So I hopped on the treadmill.  I ran 3/4 of a mile and then thought my head started to feel funny so I walked the rest of the mile.  That was it.  That was pathetic.  That was it for the treadmill and I went over to the elliptical for the rest of the time.  I guess my head feels a little funny now, but I gave it a shot.  This is so beyond frustrating.  I can't take it.  There's a lot I can't take right now.  I clearly have a hard time listening to doctors and other medical people when they tell me to wait.  I waited a long time and had to try it out.  Ugh. One more more until I see the neurologist.  Too long to wait!

Oh, I just noticed I have some peppers that I have to pick.

Be done

I'm really tempted to go running today.  I think my head is fine.  It's felt good for a few weeks now and I feel like I could run, but I'm also afraid that if I do, my symptoms will come back.  I feel like I need to test it though, so I have something to tell the neurologist when I go.  Charro would absolutely kill me if I went for a run.  I think what I'll do is go to the gym and run a mile on the treadmill and see how that feels, then do the elliptical.

I'm still incredibly stressed.  That makes eating difficult, but I don't seem to really care.  I'm not forcing myself to eat.  This might be an issue when it comes to WIF, but hopefully Charro will understand.  Oh, she might weigh me on Wednesday when I see her.  Ugh.  I can't take it anymore.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Stress sucks!!!

WIF was fine today.  I had on jeans because it's freezing out and more clothes than usual because of that.  Charro said, "Good job" when I got off of the scale.  I forgot what I said but then I said, "My wallet is in my sweatshirt."  She said, "Take it out and let's do it again."  I said, "It doesn't weigh that much."  So I hopped on again and I said, "See, it didn't make a difference."  She said, "A couple of ounces."  You can't tell a couple of ounces on those doctor scales.  I got off and said, "See, at least I'm honest."  :)  Before I got on for the first time she said, "I almost patted you down."  Hmm, I wonder what that was about.

I'm so freaking exhausted.  I got home late on Wednesday because I was at a concert.  Maybe you've heard of him...Mr. Billy Joel.  I mean, beyond amazing.  I haven't seen him in 20 years and he's still got it.

I'm dealing with a ton of work shit/stress right now.  I'm not going to get into it here, but it sucks a big fat fn ass and I don't think I've ever been so stressed out.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Chili season

The jeans are coming out for WIF tomorrow.  Not "The Jeans," but just jeans because it's going to be cold.  I guess that means no flip flops, which sucks.  I need my flip flops.  If I showed up in my WIF jeans Charro would kill me.  Well, she wouldn't but I won't do that yet.  I'll save those for another WIF.

I plan on making veggie chili today, we'll see if that really happens.  I need to go to the grocery store in order for that to happen.

That's all I've got.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Going to lose my mind any time now

I can't take it.  It's going to be a matter of days before I lose my mind and start running and cutting back on some serious food.  I'm done.  I ran across a few streets today and my head feels fine.  It's time for me to run.  I can't take it.  I'm huge and gross and I just need to run forever.  This is so frustrating.  I can't stop eating because of stupid WIF but I don't want to eat.  I'll figure something out.  I need to.  I couldn't sit still tonight while I was babysitting.  My fatness is driving me insane.  I just want to run.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Like Forest Gump

The minute I am allowed to run, I'm just going to go.  I'm going to run, and keep on running like Forest Freaking Gump.  I need to run about 4 million miles.  I can't take this anymore.  My body is squishy and fat and changing shape and I feel disgusting and I am SO out of shape, cardiovascularly.  I can't take it.  I'm so beyond over it.  UGH!!  I'm going to lose my mind, more so than I already have.

Why are my glasses always so dirty?

Ya, so I'm just going to run.  I'll probably be able to run for 3 minutes before I pass out and die, but I'll just keep on going.  

Friday, September 12, 2014

Sweatshirt on

Charro didn't tell me to take my sweatshirt off for WIF today.  Thank Goodness.  That was probably my saving grace.  She said I was right at 102.  She said I need to keep eating and I need to stay at this weight.  Um, okay.  I joked about being done with WIF and she was like, "No."  I knew we weren't but I thought I'd say it anyway.

Oh, so I walked into the building, went upstairs and went into the bathroom, which is appropriately placed across from the OBGYN doctors.  I walked into the bathroom and the head of the ED program, like a big wig in the ED world, was in there putting on her make up.  She is never really in this building so I was shocked to see her.  I went to the bathroom and hoped that she would be gone by the time I was done, but she was still there putting on her make up.  I filled up my water bottle in the sink, because there are no water fountains to be had, and continued on my way.  I didn't change my shoes in there, I waited until I got into the waiting room.  I told Charro that I saw this woman in the bathroom and she said, "Yes, she texted me and told me that she was in the building."  Funny thing is, I saw this woman's twin (maybe it was her, but I highly doubt it) in my neck of the woods on Saturday.  I really don't think it was her because I don't think she lives near me.  I'm like "She's following me!"

Anyway, Friday turned out to be a fine day, thus far...oh, minus almost being hit by a van.  My friend saved me on that one.  We were crossing the street and we had the walk signal, and this van turned and nearly hit me.  My friend pushed me out of the way and then proceeded to yell at the woman driving, who was not paying attention at all.  A man behind us said, "She wasn't paying attention."  There was a traffic cop right there too, you think she would have looked to see what the commotion was all about, but she didn't seem to care.  At least I'm alive to talk about it.

Happy weekend!  I guess I have a busy weekend.  I didn't realize it was busy until I told someone what my plans are and she was like "Wow, you're busy."  Oh, maybe, but it's all fun so it doesn't seem busy.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Remember today and WIF stuff

I can't wait for WIF tomorrow...said not me ever!!  Ugh, I hate WIF.  I got my hair cut so now I'm going to weigh less.  I'll make sure I tell Charro she needs to add a half a pound back on for my chopped off hair.  Ha.  

Lots to talk about tomorrow.  Well, not really "lots" but stuff.

Oh, let's talk about how I cannot wait until I can start working out like a real person and running 900 miles, which will then probably mess up my hip again or something.  Who knows, I don't care.  I can't take my stomach rolls.  I just need to run, run, run.

Charro and I discussed hair while I was eating my stupid lunch the other day.  She was talking about how thick my hair is and how thick her son's hair is and how she never gets all of the shampoo out of it.  She said, "You must have to stand in the shower forever trying to get all of that out of your hair."  Ha.  She's funny.

I just realized I never finished writing this.  Well, I'm done.

I can't help but mention what happened 13 years ago today.  As I look out my window, I see the two beams of light...ghosts of where the Twin Towers once stood.  That horrific day seems like forever ago, yet sort of like yesterday.  I'm remembering all of those lives that where lost, no, not lost, they were murdered, and all of the heroes that day.

Oh wait, this is funny.  Charro was telling me that I should call someone or something when I start to freak out.  So, I started to tell her about how I called my friend when I went running.  I said, "I called T when I...Oh, I didn't tell you that story...when I went running."  She chimes in and goes, "You went running!!!??"  Then I got a lecture about how I'm not supposed to be running with my concussion and I told her I was testing it out.  It was just funny how I got caught throwing myself under the bus.  ha.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Bad mood

My bad mood continued today.  I'm better now, after hanging out with some friends.  I vented to my co-worker in the office, which got me all fired up, so it was a good thing I saw my friends after that.  I need a punching bag.

I am not looking forward to WIF.  Every week this is going to be the death of me.  A ball of stress as I walk to her office on Friday mornings.  If I don't make it this time around, she's definitely going to fire me.  She's given me a break the past two weeks, I'm not sure how many times she will grant me that break.  Maybe she'll be nice since I ate yesterday.  Not that I don't eat, but you know.

Is it bad that I don't feel like doing anything, like socially?  Maybe it's because I'm in a bad mood.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm in a funk.  I don't know.  Right now, I'm going to do a jigsaw puzzle, that's all I know.  I love doing them and I need to train my brain.

Monday, September 08, 2014

And dinner is supposed to happen

Lunch sucked a little.  Dinner is going to suck a lot because not only am I full of stupid calories, my boss just really pissed me off and upset me.  So now I want to eat dinner even less than I did before, and I have to take a picture of my dinner and send it to Charro because she wants a full report on my dinner.  Well, I don't think I'll be having dinner...not much of it at least.  She is not going to be so thrilled.  I am not so thrilled.

Grrrr...I'm just pissed.

Stupid salad and shake

Less than two hours til lunch.  I'd run there if it weren't for my head.  The weather is perfect for a run.  So, I guess I'll be walking.  Maybe I should forget to bring a fork for my salad and I can eat it with my fingers.  I probably will forget, and not even on purpose.  

I'm so not looking forward to this.  I ate a little bit smaller breakfast to assure that I'd be hungry, which I am not, but but by the time I get there and am all nervous, I won't be hungry.  Blah.  

I've also decided that I'm not waiting until October 20, when I see the neurologist, to run.  Screw that.  I'll wait a week or two more and then I'm going for it.  

I guess I should get my stupid salad ready.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Going small

I emailed Charro and told her that I can't do this whole shake/lunch thing tomorrow.  She said I can bring in a small shake instead of a medium.  This is still going to suck a big ass...mine...which is getting bigger because I can't run or play field hockey.

It is KILLING me to not be able to play field hockey right now.  I thought about just going and playing anyway and not giving a crap about my head, but I think I'm smarter than that, at least this weekend.  I can't guarantee that I won't go in a week or two and play.  I guess I should try running first.  This just really sucks. I hate not playing.  I love it so much and this is the perfect weather to play in.  I just realized that I can't go next week, but I'm so going the week after, I don't care.  I don't have to play full out.

Okay, back to lunch tomorrow.  I'm going to go pick up a salad later, which I will bring for lunch tomorrow. I'm sure that won't go over well, but I don't really give a crap.  It will have nuts and cheese in it.  She wants me to add avocado, but that's not happening.  My friend might have a dinner party tomorrow night.  I hope that doesn't happen because then I'll have to eat more food.

Tomorrow should be an interesting sesh.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

Stupid shake

So, do I email Charro and let her know that I'm not bringing a medium milkshake, and possible a not bringing a milkshake at all in on Monday, or do I just show up with a small or fruit smoothie instead?  Hmm, tough one.  I think she said, yesterday, something like "If you can't do this, we have problems."  Well, Houston, I guess we have a problem.  Those were not her exact words, but that was about what she said.d

I need to go teach class.  More like, I need to go workout for 9 hours, that would be better.

Friday, September 05, 2014

Rethinking the milkshake

So I was doing some research on the McDonald's milkshake, and there's no way that I'm getting a medium, like Charro says.  I don't even want a small one.  Maybe I'll switch things up and get a fruit smoothie instead.  It has few calories.  The stupid medium milkshake has 700 calories, which is way too much, especially if I'm eating lunch with it too.  Well, let's face it, I probably won't eat dinner that night, which defeats the purpose of all of this, but I don't care.  A small milkshake has almost 600 calories.  I'm so NOT okay with this at all.  The smoothies have half that amount. 

I've decided I'm going to bring a salad for lunch.  I'll get one on Sunday and have it for dinner an then have the rest of it for lunch on Monday.  My thinking behind the salad is kind of disordered, but I don't care right now.  Hopefully my salad plan works.

My stomach is like that of a 9 month along pregnant woman.  I want to throw!  I hate this.  I really just want to run and play field hockey.  I don't know if waiting until October 20th is really going to happen.

Milkshake Monday

I feared WIF today.  I was confident that I'd pass until I started on my journey to her office, but then I got really nervous that I wasn't going to make it.  (I passed Joan River's building and saw all the media there).  When I got to Charro she asked when I wanted to be weighed, I said that I wanted to talk first.  We chatted about the whole email situation with the lady I was away with.  I guess I should start referring to her as my friend.  Then I said, "I don't want to do this.  Let's just do it."  Hopped on the scale and I barely passed.  She said I was "hovering" and I need to be up by Monday, and then she realized that she can't weigh me on Monday so I have to be up by then.

Speaking of Monday...I get to drink a medium McDonald's milkshake and eat lunch during my sesh.  Awesome.  It went from a milkshake to a milkshake and lunch.  I'm not really into that at all.  Seriously, how am I supposed to consume that much food?  Eh, I'm not into it.  Of course she'll yell at me for walking there too, but whatever. This won't be fun.  At least it's a McDonald's milkshake, which is less fattening and caloric than any other milkshakes around.  It still sucks big time.  It was fine until she added lunch in there.

I need to research stand up paddle boarding places near me, and some other stuff.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

She finally emailed me back

Let's see, I'm back in NYC.  The weather is great and I wish I was floating in my pool.  I talked to the woman I went on the trip with about the email situation.  She had texted me Tuesday night asking me to email her a recipe, so I asked her if she had gotten my email.  She said she hadn't checked email in over a week.  I saw her Wednesday morning at tennis and she said nothing to me about the email.  She forgot her book at my house so I dropped it off to her yesterday afternoon, at her office.  It worked out that she was on a break when I went by so I talked to her for a few minutes.  She said she had looked for my email but couldn't find it.  I resent it when I got home and she responded to it pretty quickly.  It was such a sweet email.  She said she picked up on my ED right away, but that she also picked up on what a wonderful person I am.  (She used a bunch of different adjectives but I'll keep those to myself.  All were lovely).  She said that I could talk to her about what I'm working on if I'd like, because she would be more than happy to listen.  She also said, "If you don't want to, that's fine too."  So, it was very nice.  I ended up sort of having breakfast with her this morning too, because she left her ipad at my house too.  Ha.  So, she offered to buy me breakfast, via text last night, and I said, "How about tea?"  She ate and I had tea.  I did tell her that I did eat breakfast.  She was like, "For the record?" and I said yes.

So I responded more in depth to her after receiving her email last night.  I told her that I would answer any questions she had for me.  I did mention that I might get fired from Charro, but didn't say why.  The first thing out of my friend's mouth this morning, after we sat down was, "Can I ask you why you think your therapist is going to fire you?"  I told her it was because of my weight and that I need to weigh a certain amount, etc.  We discussed that a little.  It's kind of nice to talk about this stuff with someone who is not my therapist.  She's cool.

So, that's that.  Charro tomorrow.  Hopefully I won't get fired.  I'll be posting after.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

That's it, I'm done eating.  No need to do it any more.  I feel disgustingly huge and there is so much food in my house that needs to be eaten.  I had a dinner party tonight and I was prepping things and the ladies kept telling me that I needed to sit down and eat.  One even said, I'm not eating anymore until you sit down and eat.  

The woman who I emailed about my ED was here and she never said a word about my email, not that I expected to her to bring it up in front of others, but still, I don't think I'll ever hear from her about it.  Not cool.  I just texted her and asked her if she got my email, because we were texting.  I'm not sure where we are now.  I'll know  more tomorrow.

I just really want to run 1000 miles right now.  I never want to eat again.

Monday, September 01, 2014

I'd be okay with that

I'm really done eating.  I'm sick of it, I'm over it, I wouldn't have minded if I accidentally threw up tonight.  I would have been okay with that.  Haven't had that feeling in a while.  I didn't eat a crazy amount, but I ate more than I like to eat and I can't go run it off tomorrow, which really sucks.  I live on the elliptical these days because I have not been cleared to run.  God I hope I can get into see the neurologist sooner than 7 weeks from now.  Ugh.  My head still isn't right, so I can't run, but still, my doctor said I can't run until I see the neurologist.  This blows.  I want to be able to play field hockey and run.  My doctor says I can't play hockey for a while.  Ugh.

Charro wants me to do a phone sesh on Wednesday but I don't think I'll do it.  We'll see what happens.  I don't need to.

I hope I sleep tonight.  I woke up at 5 this morning.  Not cool.