Sunday, August 31, 2014


I'm feeling fat tonight, and I'm sick of eating.  I went to my university today to watch the field hockey game and saw a bunch of staff who I haven't seen in a few years.  It was great to see everyone.  One of the men told me that I need to put some meat on my bones.  Oh well.  I didn't get to see my former coach because they lost and I didn't want to stick around to talk to her because she's pretty moody.  Plus, there was a crazy storm about to hit.  It started raining right after the game.

Picnic tomorrow.  Too much food.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Missed that sentence

I didn't hear Charro today when she said, "If you don't get there, we'll really have to suspend."  She was referring to my weight and how I have to gain weight by Friday or she will really have to stop seeing me.  Hmm, How am I going to make that happen???

I made it

I didn't think I was going to pass, but I passed WIF.  Well, I was a half a pound short, but she let it slide.  She must feel as though I'm trying and doesn't want to give up on me, I don't know.  She made me take my sweatshirt and hat off, which was not cool, especially since I had both of them on last Friday when she weighed me.  Eh, it's all good, I didn't get fired.

I was going to see her on Wednesday because I'm not seeing her on Monday because of the holiday, but I've decided that I don't want to come back to NYC just for my appointment with her, so I'm not going to see her until Friday.  She said that she was going to weigh me on Wednesday and I said, "Kruger has a scale?"  She said, "No, but I'll bring one."  That's when I informed her that I wouldn't be going on Wed.  First of all, she's going to carry a scale with her around the city?  Weird.  She said that if I got up to the weight by Wednesday than I could continue to see her.  Clearly that rule now applies to Friday since I won't see her on Wednesday.  She asked me if I wanted to do a phone sesh on Wednesday, but I haven't decided.  She thinks it would be a good idea to "continue in our pattern," but I don't really feel like paying for it.  We'll see.

She agrees that it's "not cool" that I haven't heard back from the lady (therapist) I went on vacation with.  I'm going to see this woman on Tuesday and it's going to be awkward.

I need to eat lunch but I don't know what to have.  Ugh.  I hate food.

Thursday, August 28, 2014


I'm pretty convinced that tomorrow will be my last day with Charro for a while.  I'm pretty sure my weight will not be where she wants it to be.  She has confidence in me, but I do not.  I'm mentally preparing myself. I'm sure I'll be quite melancholy after she fires me.  It will be sad.  :(  It's going to suck.  I'll weigh myself at the gym tonight to see what the situation is like.

I'm pretty annoyed that I have not received an email from the woman I was away with.  I mean, come on lady!  She responded to a group email that I sent but she can't respond to an important email?  I'm not okay with this.  She's losing respect in my book.

I don't feel like teaching class tonight.  It sucks that I can't jump around and do stuff.  Stupid head that I have. :( 

I want a foot message.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Soon to be without

I don't have a good feeling about WIF.  I seem to have lost weight since last week, which is a problem since I was supposed to gain weight by Friday.  I just sent Charro an email telling her that I don't have a good feeling about Friday.  Oh well, I guess we'll see what happens.

I went to my doctor yesterday.  I love my doctor.  She referred me to a neurologist and told me not to run until I see him.  She thought I'd be able to get in to see him in a few weeks but I don't have an appointment until the end of October.  They have put me on the cancellation list though.

My head has been bothering me the past few days, ever since trying to run on Sunday.  I can't focus on things too much.  I notice it when I'm driving and looking at the computer.  

Oh ya, so my doctor is cool.  She read the blog I was writing while on vacation.  We discussed our stays in Wyoming, because she had been there a few months earlier.  I know exactly where she stayed in town.  So cool.  We had a lot to talk about.  I told her I felt bad coming in and felt like a problem patient.  She said, "Nah, you have a thin file."  That's good.  I wonder if she saw my weight and noticed that I've lost a pound or two since I last saw her.  I'm guessing that she didn't.  I was glad I got in to see her because she's having a baby any day.

So, I may be without therapist come Friday.  I guess I'll save some money.  We'll see what happens.

Monday, August 25, 2014

The milkshake

I saw Charro today and she asked me how my eating has been, and if I have been eating more.  I have been eating more, but ironically, I just weighed myself and I weigh less.  Figure that one out.  If my scale is correct, I've lost 2 pounds since last week.  It really makes no sense, especially since I've been eating more.  There is no way that Charro won't fire me on Friday.  I'm screwed.  Today she was like, "this isn't a one time deal, you need to stay at this weight.  So, if you're loading, or whatever, it's not going to work."  I said, "I figured this wasn't just a one time deal, you'd weigh me and we'd be done with it."  She said, "Good."  Well, regardless, I think I'm screwed on Friday. 

I will hopefully be going to see my doctor tomorrow about my head, if she doesn't go into labor.  I have to call in the morning.  If I go, I'll get weighed there and I'll have a better idea as to whether my scale is correct.

So in two Mondays, since I won't see Charro next Monday because it's Labor Day, I have to bring a McDonald's milkshake to my sesh and drink it.  I said, "You won't remember."  I shouldn't have said that because she then put a reminder in her phone about it.  Oh well.  I said, "If I get fired, I won't get to drink a milkshake in here."  She said that she believes in me and that I will be okay on Friday.  Well, I disagree.  It will be an interesting, and possible stressful Friday morning.

I really hope my doctor doesn't have her baby in the next few days so I can see her tomorrow.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

I want to go away

I'm not happy being here.  I want to be back in Wyoming, or maybe anywhere, like the beach.  Right now I'm just really missing Wyoming, but I think just being away is good for me.  I don't think about much when I'm away.  I don't have to worry about anything.  I get back and I do.  I mean, not like worry, worry, but there's stuff I have to be responsible for and I don't want to be.  I just need to win the lotto, that would be very helpful.

I know Charro's going to ask me if I'm eating more, when I see her on Monday.  Today, maybe I did a little, but it wasn't really intentional.  I have no plans on doing so.  I'll eat when I'm hungry and if I'm not hungry, I will not eat.

I haven't heard back from the woman I was on the trip with.  I know she's away right now, but I'm wondering if she'll remember to email me when she gets back.  I'm really curious as to what she will say to me in response to me asking her if she picked up on my "issue."  I am anxiously awaiting a response.

Friday, August 22, 2014

1000? I think not

Alright, so WIF happened.  I weighed more than I expected too, which was a good thing.  I was 100 on her scale, surprisingly enough.  She said that I need to gain weight.  I thought she said I "need to gain eight."  I said, "WHAT?!"  So she said I need to gain three pounds by next Friday, then she changed it to two pounds, to make it easier for me.  She said if I don't gain the two pounds then we "need to take a break."  God, I have heard this one so many times before, it's not even funny.  She told me that I have to eat 800-1000 extra calories a day.  WHAT!!!??  NO flipping way that is going to happen, thank you very much. So, whatever...maybe I'll gain a pound, maybe I won't.  Maybe it will be cold next Friday and I can wear more clothes, maybe it won't.  I'll take care of it.  

So then I was like, "So if I don't gain the weight and you fire me (she hates that term), then I'll have to weigh myself to see if I've gained weight to know if I come back?"  She said yes.  So I was like, "So let me get this straight, we've been working on me not weighing myself all of this time (She chimes in with, "but you have been), and now you're telling me that I have to weigh myself if I get fired to know if I weigh enough to come back in.  Isn't that counter productive?"  She kept arguing that I have been weighing myself, which I didn't do until Monday when she said "I'm going to weigh you."  So, I still think it's a little counter productive because if/when I get "fired" I will have to weigh myself all the time to know if I weigh enough to go back.  I'll tell her on Monday that I'm going to have to buy a scale.  She'll love that one.  Ha.

I don't have much to do this weekend, which I am beyond thrilled about.  I have plans tonight and tomorrow during the day, and then that's it.  I have not been here in two weeks, so I have a lot of crap to get done.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

No WIF jeans allowed

Okay, so Charro has informed me that I am NOT allowed to wear my WIF jeans tomorrow.  I told her I was going to wear huge, baggy sweatshirts (yes, plural) for WIF.  As I was leaving her, actually Kruger's, office yesterday, I saw Kruger's business cards sitting on the table.  I said, "Should I take this for when you fire me next week?"  She said, "Yes."  She keeps claiming that she's not going to "fire" me, but she will.  I weigh a lot less than I'm "supposed" to.  She's going to be pissed when she weighs me tomorrow, unless I can magically gain 4 pounds by then...and then another 2 pounds by next Friday.  Let's see, that's not going to happen.

I told her that I don't care.  I said, whatever happens happens and that I'm not going to battle with her or argue with her about this anymore.  If she fires me, she fires me.  I told her I'm just not going to do this again and my weight shouldn't matter.  She doesn't like the fact that I "don't care."  It's just too exhausting to battle with her about this again.  I'm done with it.  Honestly, I don't think she wants to "fire" me.  She was like, "I'll work with you.  If you need me to tell you what snacks to eat, I will."  I told her that I wasn't going to gorge myself.  She's like "You're not going to gorge yourself."

In other news, I emailed the ED therapist that I was away with all last week.  I had to know if she picked up on anything.  Of course, after I sent the email I really wanted to take it back.  She has not responded yet, but I saw her yesterday and she said something to me about how she's been really busy and not on the computer much.  I responded with, "If you get any emails from me, you can just delete them."  She said she was not deleting anything so I told her to disregard them and she said, "I will respond, I just haven't had a chance yet."  So, she read it.  Ugh, now I'm just waiting for her response, which I have no idea when she will respond because she's going away today for like 5 days.  I know she can't write in the car because she gets car sick.  Maybe I won't hear from her.

So, this is my life right now.  WIF tomorrow.  It will suck, I don't care.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Ugh, concrete jungle

It's sad to be back in NYC.  I just got back.  I want horses, not taxis.  I have to see Charro this afternoon and I don't feel like going.  I'll wear my cowboy hat, because I can.  I have nothing to really talk about because we don't need to discuss my weight.  I'll get fired next Friday.  She said she's going to weigh me this Friday too.  Awesome.  I am tired and just want to take a nap.  My cat has adjusted in the 15 minutes we've been back.  He's happy.  I have a bunch of crap I need to do.  I have cramps.  The end.

Monday, August 18, 2014

My welcome back

I'm back...and it stinks.  I want to be back out in the wild west.  It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!  I really just can't stop saying that.  It was the trip of a lifetime.  

So my nice welcome back from Charro is that she's going to start weighing me again and I have to weigh 103 or she won't see me.  I was like, really!  I said to her, "We've been down this road many times before and it's gotten us no where."  So, I was mad for a little bit but now I sort of have the "I don't care" attitude.  I'm not going to gain that weight by next Friday.  I have no plans to gain that weight by next Friday.  So, next Friday will probably be my last sesh with her for a while.  I'll save some money.  I don't think I really care right now if she fires me.  Eh, we'll see how I feel about it later on, but that's how I feel right now.  

I should have lied to her when she asked me what I weighed at the doctor.  If I had lied, we wouldn't be in this predicament.  So annoying.  I'm so over this weighing business.

My doctor wanted me to call her today, so I'm waiting for a call back.  I have a feeling I won't get one.  They actually called me with test results and I told the secretary that the doctor wanted me to call and check in about my head, but I have a feeling she didn't pass the message along that I need to talk to her.  That's also annoying.

I need to go back to Wyoming where I don't have to deal with stuff.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Too Much Fun

Having too much fun to write...see ya in a few days.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Uncomfortable dinner talk

I'm having a blast on my trip.  I did go for a run this morning and was okay.  Saw some beautiful views of the Grand Tetons as well.  I'm guessing that the ED therapist on this trip might be aware of something, but who knows.  There was the most uncomfortable discussion at dinner tonight though.  Four of us were talking and one of the girls was talking about how she was seeing a therapist and how she thinks everyone should.  She joked that I should see one, of course I never fessed up to seeing one, and then they were trying to convince me to go see one.  I'm sure I got all flushed and flustered because I got really hot and had to take my long sleeves off.  Awkward.

I am so dead tired, I'm heading to bed.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

We meet up

I'm away.  I didn't think it would matter that one of the women going on this trip is an ED therapist, but I got really nervous when I saw her.  I ended up sitting next to her on the plane too.  Really, what are the chances.  So, we were discussing the grocery shopping list and someone mentioned that we had a firepit, so we were going to get stuff to make smores.  Turns out, we don't have one so I said, "That's good, I don't need to eat smores everyday because I'd turn into a marshmallow."  ED T responds with, "That would never happen, ever."  She told me that I shouldn't go running tomorrow either, but I have to, I really do.  We'll see how it goes with the altitude and stuff, but I have to work out.

I've been awake or almost 24 hours.  I don't know how I'm not falling asleep.  I need to go to bed though.

Friday, August 08, 2014

She forgot

Charro said she was going to weigh me today, backwards...she forgot and I was totally fine with that.  I told her that I was going to look when I got weighed at the doctor and she wasn't thrilled by that and said it would make me more obsessed on my trip, but I did it anyway.  I may have weighed a little less than I did a few weeks ago, but not even a pound.

My doctor said something with the word "fast" in it, I think we were talking about me running, and she started to say something and I said, "You want me to fast."  She smirked at me and said, "No."  It was funny.

I have to go to bed early tonight, since I have to be up in 7 hours.  

Thursday, August 07, 2014

My stomach is really fat.  

The end.

A normal dream

I had a dream that I was in an outpatient program.  My friend was there with me.  It was weird, I was in my house and was sitting there with a bunch of people, I think they were the counselors at the program, but I can't really remember.  I remember realizing that I was now part of this program and that my parents were going to find out.  They found a piece of paper and had to sit down and meet with us.  I was not thrilled.  My friend was not thrilled to be there either.  At one point I was sitting there with my parents and for some reason Charro was able to see me, like on a computer screen or something, I don't think she was there.  I gave her the look like something's up and I was hoping she'd catch on.  I think she did.  Later on, I had to go to my group with Charro.  There were a bunch of people in the group and I showed up with my parents.  No one else had their parents there, but mine insisted on going.  Charro didn't know they were there.  I tried to give her a heads up before the group started.  We both thought it was not appropriate for them to come to the group, but I think they came anyway.  

I wish I could remember the dream better.

I thought my necklace broke while I was sleeping, because I woke up and there was a charm on my bed.  Turns out it was my belly ring.  I think I can fix it though.

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

The first (sort of) run

I hopped on the treadmill this morning.  I was going to run outside, but I thought I should try it inside, since it was going to be my first time doing it in about 2 months.  I wouldn't even call it a run because I would run for 3 or 4 minutes and then walk for 2-3 minutes.  It wasn't because I was out of breath, but because my heart rate was getting high and that's not good for my head.  The athletic trainer I spoke to said I should run a minute, walk 2, so I just increased those times and made it work.  The good news is that I felt fine, maybe because I didn't push myself or maybe because my head is better.  This means that I can try running while I'm away, which makes me feel better.  Who knows if being at 6000 feet will impact how my head feels.  Apparently, it could.  So, we shall see.  Needless to say, it was not much of a workout.  I'd like to just go outside and run and I think (hope) I'm getting closer to that.  Maybe I can give it a shot before I leave on Saturday.

My feet are sore.  That's all.

Monday, August 04, 2014

Trip prep

I've had more to talk about with Charro as my trip gets closer.  Clearly, I'm a bit anxious about it and all of my ED thoughts are starting to kick fully into gear.  I told her that I'm pretty sure that I'll freak out at some point, because I already am a little starting to freak out about exercise stuff.  She asked me what I usually do when I'm freaking out and using behaviors and I said, "Email you."  She said, "Good, do that.  As long as you don't go running or something like that."  She was trying to convince me that nothing will happen if I eat and don't work out.  I told her, "I don't buy it."

She dropped the F-Bomb a few times today.  I know she means business when she does that.  She always apologizes, but I don't care.  I know she's really into the conversation and trying to get a point across when she swears.

I'm starving.  I'm heading to dinner soon, so that's good.

Charro told me that I need to eat things like mac-n-cheese if there's nothing but that and meat on the menu.  I have to order things that I wouldn't normally order because my options will be limited because it's so meat heavy on the menus.  I really don't think I'll be ordering any mac-n-cheese.

Sunday, August 03, 2014

Test run

I feel like I had a mini test run for my trip.  My parents were here yesterday, which was so nice, but that might have been my food test.  I had lunch (leftovers in my fridge that I needed to eat) and took them to a deli.  Later on, my dad wanted ice cream.  I wasn't hungry and I didn't want any, but he sort of made me get some.  We ate dinner 4 hours later.  I feel like I ate a lot and then the owner brought us dessert, so we had to eat that or she would have been offended.  Tiramisu...which none of us really like, but we had to eat it.  Blah.  I wanted to just work out after that.  I just want to run.  I woke up wanting to run.  That was one day of having to eat more than I wanted to, what am I going to do for 8 days of that?  

Here's the thing, I go back and forth between thinking I'm going to be eating more than I want to (too much) and thinking that there's not going to be anything for me to eat because it's beef country.  I guess I'll find out soon enough. I'm going to have fun, that I know.

I was going to try running today, but I didn't.  Guess it's a good thing because my head felt squishy after I did the elliptical.  Grrr, I need to be able to run while I'm away.

Friday, August 01, 2014

September 15

So Charro decided that I'm not weighing myself until September 15th.  Um...WHAT!!!?  Where did that date come from and why?  I looked at her and was like, "We'll I'm going to get weighed at the doctor."  She said fine.  I told her that I need to weigh myself when I get home from my trip.  She said that that's the time I need to not weigh myself.  I'm not really into that at all.

She also told me that I am not a lot to work out while I'm there.  I'm not really sure that I'm really okay with that at all.  She said NO running.  Ugh, I am not sure that I can do that.  She was like, "You're going to be at a different altitude, it would no be good for you."  Ugh, I can't NOT do anything for 8 days, I'm sorry.  I will die.  Ugh.  Blah.  I guess it's good that she's not weighing me.  

We were talking about the comment I got about me looking "juicy."  She said that maybe I look better since I've gained weight, which I find funny but I don't really think that I've gained weight.  I'll know on Friday when I weigh myself, but I think she thinks that I've gained weight.  Hmm, interesting.

Oh, last week she said we need to do another high calorie drink challenge, but I think she forgot about that.