Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Old friends dinner

I think I'm starting to get excited and anxious for my trip.  I'm thinking that I might be able to run next week, so we'll see.

Last night I went to dinner with my parents and their friends.  I was in the bathroom with the woman and she was like, "You need to eat.  You're so tiny.  Is that on purpose?"  I said, "I just ate" and threw some sort of joke in there somewhere.  I wasn't going to say, "Yes, it's on purpose."  That made me a feel a bit better, especially after my doorman asked if I had gained weight.

I haven't weighed myself in 2 weeks.  I won't get the chance to weigh myself until next Friday, which I will do before I see my doctor.

Monday, July 28, 2014

No elliptical, no sir

It's possible the Charro told me not to work out, I'm not quite sure.  I do know that she told me not to do the elliptical, but that is not going to happen.  I'll keep doing it.  It's not a lot of bouncing, even though she thinks it is.  I felt good for two days, and then today, not so great.  I got a little dizzy on the elliptical (the more bouncy one), so I moved to the bike.  This is just so frustrating.

I do know that Charro told me not to weigh myself until September.  Now that will definitely not happen.  I'm getting weighed at the doctor next week, so I will know what my weight is, plus, I'll probably weigh myself before I even go to the doctor so I know what I weigh when I go to the doctor.  I'm sure that makes no sense, but I get it.  I should listen to her, but when I get back from my trip, I'm going to need to weigh myself because I'll be away for 8 days, eating not the way I want, and not exercising.  UGH!!  I am already so out of shape, now I'm going to be fat and out of shape.  I can't take it.

In other news, I did not eat enough today.  I was out most of the day.  I'm sure I'll wake up starving, but I'm not hungry not to eat more.  I'm just tired.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

You look juicy

I was heading out the door to the gym this morning and my doorman said something to me.  I didn't hear him so I asked what he said and then he asked me if I had gained weight.  Really??  Did you just ask me that??  Seriously?  I know I haven't been running for 6 weeks and I haven't been doing cardio the way I'd like, so now you've just confirmed my fear...that I've gained weight.  (The scale doesn't prove that, but I do feel mushier).  Then he said that I looked "juicy."  What the hell does that mean??  I look "juicy!"  Is that another word from plump?  I don't know what any of this means, but I'm not happy about it.  I was already self conscious of being out of shape and now this.  Awesome.  I can't wait to tell Charro this one tomorrow.

I was hoping to lay out and nap all day, but the weather is not cooperating.  Instead, I shall clean and make lists of things I need, and need to pack.  I'll be productive.

I'm going to try and not be so "juicy" too.

Saturday, July 26, 2014


I can't take it any more.  I need to go running.  I have to.  Concussion or not, I have to do it soon.  Maybe this week.  I know I shouldn't, but I don't think I can hold out any longer.  Are my symptoms gone?  I don't know yet, the day is young, I've only been up for an hour.  I have to run though.  I'm out of shape.  My body is getting blubbery and I don't like it one bit.  I need to get fit again.  I need to be able to go all out with my work outs.  I see my doctor in two weeks, but I can't wait that long to run.  The only thing I'm worried about is a set back for my trip, which I definitely don't want, but like I said, I don't know how much longer I can hold out.  I'm looking squishy and curvy and I don't like it.  

Time to get dressed so I can go teach aerobics.

Friday, July 25, 2014

That felt good

I had a good sesh with Charro this morning.  I had a lot to talk about.  I had a very weird dream last night.  Her husband was wearing a velvet track suit and a really bad black toupee.  It was bizarre.  Anyway, we talked about my upcoming trip stuff regarding that.  I told her that I didn't need to tell my doc about my ED because there's no physical evidence to back it up.  I keep wondering if she thinks I'm lying.  Charro chimes in with "Why would you lie about that?"  She's right, I wouldn't, but still, I feel like I need physical evidence to prove to my doctor that I'm not making it up.  I'm sure it sounds crazy.  It just felt good to talk today.

Okay, Charro's arms are so skinny and I can't take it.  I don't get it.  She doesn't do anything and has skinny arms.  It's really not fair.

My insurance company has F'd up, yet again.  I can't take it.  I was so ready to yell at them today because they cannot do anything right.  They need to get it to-friggen-gether.  AHHH!

I'm hungry.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Waiting for the doc

I guess I haven't had much to say lately.  I guess that's a good thing.  Usually I write on here when I'm freaking out about stuff, and since I haven't written, that must mean I'm not freaking out.

I'm waiting for a call back from my doctor.  Actually, she called as I was writing this.  My blood work is fine.       I asked her a few questions about what I can and can't do for my upcoming trip.  She said that I should NOT go whitewater rafting.  She said that she didn't go, because she is pregnant, but her sister and brother in law were tossed within a few minutes and someone got hurt too.  So, she said I should not do it.  I'm okay with that.  I don't know what I'll do that day, but I'll figure something out.  I also gave her my diagnostic code for my ED.  I had to say the word "eating disorder."  I tried to get around it but it didn't work.  I asked her if she wanted my diagnostic code.  She asked "for what?"  I said, "my eating disorder."  She said yes and then said that she didn't want to put down the other one because she didn't want to screw me with insurance.  So, that was that.  I see her again in two weeks for a "lady exam."  Blah.  It was funny, the first thing she said to me was, "Are you in Wyoming now?"  I said no.

Monday, July 21, 2014

A second attempt

I thought I'd try to get Charro to allow me to bring my "sticks" with me to Wyoming, or at least buy them at a  store there.  I said, "I have a plan..." and then went into the same spiel that I went into on Friday.  I played it off like it was the first time I had this idea and that I never mentioned it before.  After we discussed it I said,
"Just in case you thought that I was brain dead, I am aware that we already discussed this on Friday, but I thought I'd bring it up again."  She said that that was okay, that we're allowed to discuss the same things over and over again.

I called my doctor's office to get my blood work, but I haven't heard back.  I'm guessing that I might not today, since it's 5 PM already.  Although, maybe the doctor will call me.  I also said that I had a few questions for her.  I'm guessing that if I don't hear from her by 5:30, I'll get a call tomorrow.  Charro thought it was weird that I have them fax me my blood work.  I think she thought it was an ED thing, but I told her that my parents always tell me to get the results from any blood work or tests that I have done so I can keep track of everything.  So, I do.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Pushing ahead

Getting back into shape when I'm able to go full speed is going to be tough.  Maybe I should use this as a big challenge to really work hard to be where I want to be fitness wise.  It drives me insane that I'm losing (lost) my cardiovascular abilities so quickly.  It's killing me that I can't workout the way I want to, that I can't go running.  I hope I'm not afraid to try running in a few weeks because I'll be worried that I'm mess up my head again, like if it's not better yet.  I'm still having some symptoms, which is a problem.  They need to go away and go away soon.

I have a feeling that my trip is going to be harder than I thought it would be.  I would feel so much better if Charro would just let me have "sticks" while I'm there.  I researched cereals and haven't found one to replace my "sticks" yet.  I thought about bringing my cat's Miralax (yes, my cat gets Miralax), but I'm not sure what that would do to my system.  I need to find an equally high fiber cereal.  I guess I am afraid that I won't clean out my system without my "sticks."  They're just such a safe breakfast for me.

I wonder if the ED therapist who I'll be traveling with will pick up on my behaviors.  It should be interesting.  I know she won't say anything, but still, it will make me uncomfortable to know if she knows.  Actually, it will probably make me more uncomfortable to have no idea what she thinks about my eating.  I need to make sure I don't make any comments about exercise or food. 

Charro said I can email her or call her while I'm away.  I most likely won't call, if I'm freaking out, for a few reasons.  1. I won't ever be by myself in those 8 days.  2.  I wouldn't call her anyway because I'd feel bad.  I don't feel bad sending emails though.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Deal or No Deal

No Deal!  I tried to strike a deal with Charro regarding my "sticks" and my upcoming trip.  I tried to explain to her that I would be out of my comfort zone when it comes to a lot of things so I should have one thing that I'm comfortable with.  She disagreed.  Let's face it, I'm going to be away with 10 people and eating every single meal with them, which is going to cause problems, I'm sure.  Then there's the fact that I can't work out because the only thing I could do while I'm away is go running, but since I can't go running because of my head, that means I can't work out.  I'll be horse back riding and doing stuff, but it's not the same.  I need to get out there and work and sweat and see results on my heart rate monitor.  That's not going to happen unless my head feels better, like tomorrow.

Charro says I need to stop weighing myself too, which probably won't happen, let's be honest.  I weigh myself once a week (or so) when I go home.  If I had a scale here, I'd be on it all the time.  Today was her last chance to weigh me and she didn't do it, so that's good. :)

I was actually hoping my doctor would call today while I was with Charro, so they could talk.  That did not happen.  I don't even know if my doctor will call with my blood work.  I'm guessing it's fine so I'm guessing she won't call.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

No scan

My doctor's secretary called yesterday to tell me that I do not need a bone density scan, which is good.  The doctor wrote me a script but then wanted to check the latest requirements (not the best choice of words but I can't think).  So, basically I don't need one because I never stopped getting my period.  I'm hoping she'll call me with my blood work today, but since it's going to be fine, the secretary will probably call.  I want to ask my doctor a few questions, which is why I'm hoping she calls.  I'm a little surprised she didn't ask about my exercise, but that's okay.

I'm looking forward to seeing Charro tomorrow.  Lots to talk to her about.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The appointment recap

It's done.  It's over.  It went well.  I went to the doctor for my physical.  She came in and was like, "I haven't see you since your physical last year, I guess that's a good thing."  I said yes and we talked for a second and then she asked if there was anything and I told her that I got a concussion a few weeks ago.  We talked about that for a bit and then I said, "I guess I should tell you that I've had an ED for 20 years."  She was totally cool and was like, "Which one?  Anorexia?  Bulimia?"  I said, "I guess more anorexia, but it's okay."  She asked me if I was seeing anyone for it and I said yes.  She asked me her name so I spelled it for her.  She asked if she was a therapist of a psychiatrist.  I told her.  She was like, "Thank you for spelling that for me."  She asked me if I liked her and I said, "Yes, I like her a lot.  I've been seeing her for 7 years."  She asked me if I ever didn't get my period and I said no.  She asked me if I ever had a bone scan and I said no and she said, you should probably get one.  Do you want to do it here or NY?  I said, "probably NY," and she said that she'd just give me a script and I could take it.  I think that was it for the ED stuff.   She left so I could put on the paper items and when she came back she asked me what Charro had put for my diagnosis, if she had put anorexia, and I told her no.  She said, "Okay, I'll change that because insurance is really bad about all of this stuff."  She said she might just put ammenorhea on there instead.  I told her I could get the code and call her with it, but she said that wasn't necessary.  She said she'd check on some stuff.  Then she said she didn't know if I needed to get the bone scan since I never lost my period.  She said she'd check and tell me when she calls me about my blood work.  I think that was about it.  I really love my doctor.  She's so nice and cool.  We talked about other stuff, like my upcoming trip because she was just there in May.  She's having a baby in Sept. so hopefully I won't need to see her for a while after that.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The unplanned, planned restriction

My day didn't turned out as planned, meal-wise, but it was okay.  I was meeting up with my friend after Charro, so we could go look at cats and then go to lunch.  Well, my friend tends to talk so by the time we got to lunch (at 3:30) the place was closed for a siesta.  So, we tried to go to a few other places and then just ended up back in my neighborhood.  So, our lunch turned into dinner at 5 PM, which by that time, I was famished.  Funny thing is, I wasn't planning on having much of a dinner after lunch because, as ridiculous as it might sound, I want to weigh less for my doctor's appointment tomorrow.  Anyway, so I ended up just eating breakfast and dinner and didn't finish my dinner, which would not make Charro happy, but I got full fast, probably because I was so hungry.

I told Charro how I wanted to restrict today and how I wanted to weigh less for my appointment tomorrow. At least I was honest.

We'll see how it all goes tomorrow.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Gearing up

I go to the doctor on Tuesday for my physical, which means that I should not have been eating all weekend and I should eat really healthy tomorrow so I can weigh less.  Messed up thinking?  Maybe.  I don't want to weigh a lot when I go, especially since I have to tell her about my ED.  I'm more interested in discussing my concussion with her.

So I walked over 20 miles this past week, which is okay, and worked out, but not at a high intensity.  I'm severely out of shape right now because of this damn concussion and it's NOT okay!!  Ugh.  I hate it and I am probably getting bigger by the minute.  Honestly though, my bigger concern is about my lack of cardiovascular fitness level right now.  I'm a little concerned that I still have symptoms.  We'll see what the doc says.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Too soon

I jumped the gun last night.  I was a week free of concussion symptoms so I thought it would be okay to bounce around and jump rope.  Well, I was wrong.  Back to square one.  Sucks a big one.  I think I'll be out of commission (running and high impact and field hockey) for longer than I would like.  Not cool.  I'll talk to my doctor on Tuesday. 

So Charro is good to go on Fridays, for a little bit at least.  That's good.  She's raising her fees too, which sucks, but she's still a lot cheaper than anyone else around here.  She didn't weigh me today, which was also nice.

I met an Italian guy on my way home, but he's probably gay.  He works at some face cream store.  He'd be perfect for me.  He's Italian, like moved here 5 years ago Italian, and he's a chef.  Yum!  Oh well.

I have to make some dessert for a party tomorrow.  I have a date tomorrow night too, not sure of the game plan yet.  

It was really depressing to walk in the park and see all of those people running and being unable to do it myself.  That sucks.  I've gotten SO out of shape in the past three weeks.  I can't take it.  I'm going to start freaking out in a minute about this.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The last Friday?

I see Charro at the WIF office tomorrow.  Since it might be our last time in that office, and our last Friday, I'm guessing she'll do WIF.  It's been a while.  Hopefully she won't do WIF because I don't think that will go over well.

I'm afraid she's going to have bad news for me as far as freeing up her Fridays goes.  That will suck.  There's no other day that I can see her with my schedule.  I'm really hoping she can work things out, but I'm not optimistic.

I got bit by a horsefly.  It's itchy.  My cat is all snuggled up next to me.  He's cute.  I woke up too early.  I'm tired.  I need to vacuum but can't get up because said cat is squished up next to me.  That's all for my random paragraph.  

I love how cats' mouths connect to their noses and have that line from the mouth to nose that actually opens. Cat people know what I'm talking about.

Monday, July 07, 2014

No more Fridays?

So Charro might not be able to see me on Fridays anymore, which would suck.  She said she could see me on Wednesdays, but I'm not here on Wednesdays.  So, I don't know what will happen.  She said she'll know more on Friday.  That will really suck if she can't do Fridays anymore.

She's also raising her fee.  Fun. She's like, "you can think about this and let me know what you want to do."  I said, "Well, it's not like I'm going to quit and go somewhere else."  

Let's hope everything works out.

Sunday, July 06, 2014

Nice long weekend

The rain ended and the sky cleared up on Friday just in time for bbq number one.  Had a good time.  Party number too, also a good time and we watched the fireworks and had an awesome view of the city.  The weather has been perfect since the rain stopped.

Yesterday I went with my friend to put her cat to sleep.  Not such a fun day.  Today, another fun day.

I've realized that I sometimes don't eat enough meals.  Yesterday, eh, not the greatest.  Today, even though there's still time, probably could've eaten more.  Eh, it is what it is.  I'll have a snack.

I can't wait to go to sleep.  I'm beat.  My legs are completely shot right now.  I taught two classes yesterday and walked about 4 miles.  Today, I had planned on doing nothing but ended up walking for probably 2 1/2-3 hours.  It's all good.  

Friday, July 04, 2014

Kruger's clock

I think my head is feeling better.  That's a good thing.  I'm not going to be stupid and I won't play field hockey next week.  I think I'll start running next week though.  We'll see how that goes.  I have to teach two classes tomorrow morning, so that could be a good test.  I haven't been pushing myself because I don't want to damage my brain further.  I told Charro that if it was any other part of my body, I'd still be out running and doing stuff.

I noticed Kruger did not have a clock in her office, so I said to Charro, "There's no clock."  She goes, "There is, but only for me."  I looked and I found it and told her the time was wrong.  It was an hour behind. She goes, "I know.  Kruger (she didn't call her that) said that if I could fix it she'd give me 5 bucks."  I said, "I'll fix it."  So I grabbed the clock and within 30 seconds I had the right time on there.  I was like, "There ya go.  Tell Kruger her old friend fixed it for her."  She goes, "I will.  We'll get a good chuckle out of it."  Oh Kruger.  I did not enjoy my time with her.  I do kind of like her office though, as much as I hate to admit it.

Okay, maybe my head doesn't feel normal yet.  Maybe I should stop looking at the computer, that will help.

I hope the rain stops before my BBQ.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Fat is back

(Not that it ever left)

Awesome.  I'm feeling really fat and I have to go teach aerobics and not really do any activity because of my head.  Not okay!  My stomach is huge.  I'm wearing a shirt that's not fitted so hopefully my fat can't be seen. I want to throw up.  I hate this feeling.

One of my friends was supposed to be staying with me today through the weekend but now she has to work.  I have a couple of bbqs to go to tomorrow and then am watching the fireworks.  I was going to watch them from my roof but now I'm going elsewhere to watch them.

I really hope I can run next week.  I'm planning on it, that's for sure.  Maybe Sunday I can run.  That will be two weeks since getting clocked in the head, so maybe that's not enough time.  I need to do it though.

Oh, so this is what Charro said to me yesterday when I told her that my BP and heart rate would be sky high when I go see my doctor because I'll be so nervous about telling her about my ED.  She goes, "Why is it so hard.  She sees up your."  It was so funny.  I was like, "No she doesn't."  She goes, "Whatever, she sees a lot."  Ha.

I hope I don't get stuck in a huge storm on my way home tonight.  I need to stop at the store.  Cherries are $1.99/lb.  Woo hoo.  I can eat a lot of them and clean out my system.  I ate salad and a mango today, so that should help too.  Maybe I'll feel lighter.

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Charro in Kruger's office

I had a good sesh with Charro.  She tried convincing me to go see the doctor for my head and I kept telling her that it's pointless because I know I have a concussion and there's nothing that she can do for it.  She knows I'm seeing her in two weeks but she still wants me to go.  She goes, "I can't force you to go, but I highly recommend it."  I was like, "Well, I'm not going to go since I'll see her in two weeks."  We also talked about how I need to tell her that I have an ED and how hard it is for me to tell her because I have to speak.  She said the funniest thing in response to what I said, but I can't remember what she said exactly.  I'll have to come back to that.

So I was in Kruger's office for the first time since, well, seeing Kruger.  That was a bit odd.  Charro was running late so I met her on the street and we went up together.  The place next door was giving away mini cups of iced coffee, so I got one for her.  I don't like coffee.

So Charro thinks that telling my doctor about my concussion will be a good lead in for telling her about my ED.  We'll see.  I was like, "My blood pressure and heart rate are going to be sky high because I'll be so nervous about telling her."

We've also declared, for the 9 millionth time, that I have a compulsive exercise problem.  Hmm, ok.  I told Charro that if it was anything but my head that was injured, I'd still be running.  That's where that conversation came from.