Friday, May 30, 2014

Skipping it

Okay, I think I'm skipping this whole running thing.  The weather is perfect for it, but my body is tired.  I've worked out every day this week, except for Wednesday, but Wednesday I walked 9.5 miles around the city.  As much as I'd like to be outside running in the park, I don't think my body agrees with me on that.  The fatness on my body says I should go out and do it.  It's so nice out too.  Hmm.

I have to walk to Charro later, but I won't have time to walk back because I have somewhere to be, so it will only be a 2 mile walk.  That's fine.  I'll live with that.  Or, if I get the desire to run, I can always run to Charro later.

Tomorrow I'm beach bound.  I hope the weather cooperates.  Then my friends and I are going to a bbq. Sunday is supposed to be the better day of the weekend.  We shall see.  

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Throw in the towel

I'm back in the "I'm fat and need to not eat" state of mind.  I look 19 months pregnant.  I feel huge.  I hate it. I bought a salad on my way home from the gym.  I don't plan on eating it tonight, but for lunch tomorrow and whatever is left over for another time.  It ends up being a huge salad so I get a few meals out of it.  Should I eat something now?  Probably, but I don't think it's gonna happen.  I had a little something before I taught class, but Charro would most likely not call that dinner.

I need to run tomorrow.  I know I probably won't want to, but I need to.  It needs to be warm and if it's not warm enough, I may end up in the gym.  I don't see Charro until the afternoon so I can work out in the morning, like I usually do.

I think I should just throw in the towel and realize that this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life and just deal with it.  It's fine.  I guess I'm okay with it.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Show tune time

It feels like Friday, since I saw Charro at her Friday office.  I have to remind myself that it's only Wednesday.  

I didn't get weighed.  She's got two more chances to do it...this Friday and next.  After that, no more office with a scale.  Well, she'll actually be gone for 3 weeks before it's no more office with a scale time.  

I got new flip flops in the mail and my cat has (of course) taken over the box.  Why do they love boxes so much?

I just realized that I'm wiped out right now.  I'm going to see a Broadway show tonight.  Yay.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Now I'm just getting fat

So here's the deal...I've gained like 50 pounds and I need to get that the hell off of me.  It's so NOT okay.  I will get it off, I always do.  Charro goes away in 2 weeks and I'm guessing that I'll lose weight at that time...I hope.  I'm not okay with this.  I'm also not okay with the fact that I am less careful with what I eat and therefore I'm eating more, different things that I wouldn't allow myself before.  I don't like that.  It was better when I was scared of everything and only ate like three things.  I need to care more.  Being less obsessive is making me fat. Blah!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Today was a perfect day.  The weather was great.  I played tennis this morning, did yard work and laid out. I got a really good workout doing yard work.  I was like a mad woman out there.

I feel huge.  I've gained over a pound and I don't like it at all.  I know I gain it and lose it pretty easily so I hope I lose it.  I just want it gone.  I can totally feel when I've gained weight, and can see it, even if it's a pound.  Now it makes sense why I've been feeling fat all week.

My foot hurts and I'm not sure why.  It's my heel area.  Oh well.  It won't kill me.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Really no more WIF after this

Charro informed me this morning that she is going to be in a different office on Friday mornings, and you know what that means??  NO MORE WIF!!!  The office I see her in on Fridays (and sometimes Wednesday) is where she works for the day treatment program, which means, there is a scale.  Her Monday office has no scale.  Her Friday office will most likely have no scale.  :)  This is good news for me.  Yay.  I'm sure if I see her at her current office on a Wednesday, which I do sometimes, I'll get weighed.  After all, she'll want to check in on that situation.

We had a good sesh today.  I asked her if she could tell when I'm uncomfortable talking about something.  She was like, "Um, ya!  You're whole body language changes."  I was like, "Yah, I know too.  I refuse to make eye contact with you."  We discussed that.  I also told her about the dream I had where she was in my apartment and I was completely naked and trying to take a shower.  My entire rack of clothes were hanging in the shower like it was a closet and I had to get in there and try to shower with them all.  She kept seeing me naked and I did not like it.  (That's an easy one to analyze).  The father of a girl I coach was there too.  Weird.  

I had a really great dream about my old cat too.  She was sleeping on my chest, like she always did.  I'm sure she came to visit me because she knows I'm missing my other cat (her brother), who is at my house.  I'll see him tomorrow and bring him back here with me next week.  I love those dreams.  I know she was here with me.

Gotta run.  Meeting some friends.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Breakfast bits

It's been a busy few days so I've had no time to write.  I have to call my insurance company for the 100 millionth time today because they've screwed up, yet again!  Love them.  

On Monday, Charro said that I'd benefit from IP because of the meals and "really getting down things."  She doesn't think I need it, medically or anything, just thinks it would be beneficial for me.  I'm not going, so don't get too excited.  Never will I go.

I decided that I'm like a functional alcoholic with my ED.  I get by and no one knows I have an ED and do everything fine.  It works.

Lots to take care of today.

I think I shocked my dad yesterday morning when he was making breakfast and asked me if I wanted some and I said yes.  Must have made him happy.  He was like "Do you want a piece of french toast?  I said, "Sure."  He said, "Do you?"  I said, "Yes." He said, "Good."  So, that's nice, maybe they think I'm less disordered.

Speaking of breakfast, it's time to eat mine.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Looking away

The post sesh wrap-up begins now.

I've realized that when I'm really uncomfortable talking about things I tend to not look at Charro and look everywhere but at her.  I'm sure she's picked up on this as well.  We were talking about how I told everyone my weight and what that meant.  That's not what made me uncomfortable, I guess it was more of the why I want to be small thing, which I'm still not really sure about.  Sometimes I feel like she's looking for an answer so I just give her what she would say to me.  Not the best way out of things, and it's not something I do all of the time.  I didn't do that this time.

She forgot about the bagel that I'm supposed to have and has not changed it to a 3 egg omelette, full eggs, not just whites.  I'm not doing that.  I'd rather eat 10 whites than have the yolks.  Eggs, in general, freak me out...and it has nothing to do with nutrition, it's about the looks of them and the grossness of them.  They gross me out.  I eat them for protein and that's about it.  They're a gross consistency and yucky.  

I stood up to leave and realized I looked enormous.  I said, "Just so you know, I look totally huge right now.  Goodbye."  Then she chimed in and wanted me to challenge those thoughts before I left.  That didn't happen.  
I hate when I feel huge, especially after just running, which I had just done.  Yuck.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


It's funny how the days I have absolutely nothing planned end up being my busiest days.  I woke up and went for a run in the park, veered off to meet some friends in town.  I hung out with them for a while and as soon as I walked in my door I got a text from another friend to join her and our other friend for a late lunch.  Didn't have time to shower so I changed my clothes and washed my face and went downtown.  Now I'm back and showered and beat.  I didn't drink enough water today so I'm trying to down it now.  I was starving by the time we ate lunch, at 3 PM, because I hadn't eaten since breakfast this morning.  Now I'm so full.  I didn't even eat that much so I don't know why I'm so full, but I am.  That's fine.  I don't have to worry about dinner.

Charro tomorrow.  It's supposed to be nice out so I'll probably run down there instead of going to the gym.  I hope to go to bed early tonight.  I don't see why I wouldn't be able to.

Friday, May 16, 2014

A weighty text

Last night I got out of class and had literally 20 text messages on my phone.  I was like, "huh!?"  Then I looked and it was everyone who's going on the trip this summer heights and weights.  I guess my friend needed it for the horse back riding.  Crazy.  So I was like, this is interesting and I texted back my height/weight.  I didn't give a crap.  I  wonder if the ED therapist looked it and thought anything.  I'm guessing she didn't, but now she knows what I weigh.

I had a good sesh with Charro this morning.  We talked about the muffin eating and all of that stuff.  We talked about the dream I had that she was in.  We talked about my friend who is driving me insane.  That as about it.  I think I'll be able to take some good notes when I listen to the sesh.  Charro dropped the F bomb a lot today.  She kept apologizing and I was like, "Eh, just go with it.  You've already said it like twice in 5 minutes, so you should just swear this whole time."

Oh, speaking of Charro, I need to email her about something before I forget.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Rainy Thursday

My stomach seems to be better, which means that I guess it's time to eat again.

The weather stinks...again.

I don't know if I'm seeing Charro in the morning or the afternoon because she emailed me again to tell me I can see her in the morning because she's now available again.  I'd rather go in the afternoon so I can workout in the morning.  I don't want to get weighed.  I hate WIF.  Actually, I don't think I care as much anymore since she says she's not going to "fire" me.  She better stick to her word this time and not change her mind.

I'm sure she's going to give me another breakfast challenge.  I'm over these breakfast challenges.  I'll be fine on my trip. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Weird stomach

My stomach has been a bit weird all day.  I'm not sure what it is, if it's a little bug or I had bad milk this morning.  I think it if it was the milk, I'd feel better by now.  I haven't really eaten much all day.  I had some bread and crackers for dinner, since that seemed to be a safe bet.  My cat is drinking my water, which is not helpful at the moment.  I didn't want to eat anything before I got on the train, in case I had issues, so that's why I had bread for dinner.  (I brought some back with me).  I need to get up and get a new glass of water, since mine was taken over by my four legged feline.

Charro changed out appointment to the afternoon on Friday.  That's great for me because I'll go to the gym in the morning now.  If my sesh was in the morning, I most likely would not have gone to the gym after.  So, this is good.

I need to look some stuff up, so I'm done.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Charro breakfast dream

So Charro was in my dream last night.  This is a long one and I'll hopefully remember everything, although I'm sure I'm remember other details later.  So, here's how it goes.

Charro took the train home with me because she needed to be in my town early the next morning for something. We got to my house late and went right to bed.  My house was huge and beautiful too, I remember commenting on how pretty one window section looked with the lights.  We woke up very early the next morning, and that's when I noticed that there was a huge party at my house.  I remember thinking about how I needed to get her out of the house before anyone saw her and asked who she was.  She went into the bathroom to get ready, and I thought she was just going to get ready and then I'd take her to where she needed to be.  She came into my room and was still in my pjs.  I think we talked for a second and then went downstairs.  To get downstairs, we had to climb over my sister, who was in her bed at the top of the stairs.  Her bed was blocking the stairs and she was passed out asleep.  We got over her and went downstairs.  It was still dark out.  I thought I was going to get Charro right out the door but my dad was in the kitchen.  He asked her if she wanted breakfast.  I was nervous because I didn't want him to know who she was.  She said yes and then he asked her if he wanted an omelette.  She said yes.  So my dad got this huge pot out of the fridge and it had this big egg, potato and other stuff mixture.  I looked and thought that that was weird.  I also thought Charro was in a rush and wouldn't want to wait for eggs, but I guess I was wrong.  My dad told her that he'd take her downtown, and I was like, "No, I'll do it!" thinking I could go straight to the gym after dropping her off.  I went upstairs to get something and decided to get dressed for the gym.  I was taking my sweet time and then I realized that I needed to hurry or Charro would be driving with my dad and then he might find out who she was.  So, I got downstairs and I think my mom was down there now too.  Charro now had a big box on the table with hot iron curler things.  I remember thinking, that's weird and I thought she was in a rush.  I opened the fridge and asked her if she wanted juice or any thing.  She goes, "No thanks, but you should have some juice."  I gave her a look.  Then I saw a piece of baguette in there.  I took it out and turned to my mom and asked her if she had made it because it looked good.  She said no and Charro said, "You should have a piece or two toasted."  Again, I gave her a look.  She was trying to get me to eat and drink things that I wouldn't normally have.  That's really all I remember.

Back to real life, I'm supposed to get a muffin and eat the whole thing this morning.  That's like my worst nightmare.  Muffins are stupid and not healthy and filled with calories and fat and sugar and carbs and again, not healthy.  This sucks a big one.  Stupid muffin.  I am less than thrilled about this.  I tried to find nutrition information online about the places near me with muffins, but had no luck.  Charro told me not to look at any calories, but whatever.  I looked at a few places and found nothing.  One place sells yogurt muffins, so that's what I'm going to go with.  They're probably not really any healthier, but who knows.  

Time to shower.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Perfect weather on Mom's Day

It is the most perfect day weather-wise today.  Unfortunately, I was inside much of the day, hanging out with a friend after a nice brunch.  I got to meet her cats.  I hung outside for a little, and took a nap out there, when I got home.  Tonight, dinner with some friends.  I'll see my mom this week.

I'm still full from brunch and don't want to eat dinner.  I have two hours before I go to dinner, but I feel like I've eaten enough today.  I'll eat some dinner.  I won't finish my dinner, which is what Charro says I need to do, but it's okay.  I feel like eating today means that I don't really need to eat tomorrow, like I can slack off at meal time and not have real meals.  Whatever happens, happens.  I'll most likely weigh myself when I go home this week, which I don't think I'm supposed to do, but I need to see how much I weigh since Charro said my weight was "good" last week.  That means I've gained weight.

Friday, May 09, 2014

A "Good" WIF

I must have gained weight because when Charro weighed me she said, "Good."  She wouldn't have said that if I hadn't gotten fatter...which would explain why I'm feeling fatter and seeing more fat on my body.  It all makes sense.

She revealed a little TMI this morning.  She was shaking her legs all about, which I always call her out on because she calls me out on every body part that I decide to me.  So, before I called her out on it, she was like, "I'm moving my legs because I have to go to the bathroom.  I drank coffee and water."  I said, "You can go."  She said, "No, I can wait.  I don't know why I just told you that.  I shouldn't have told you that.  I thought you were going to say something about me moving my legs."  I was like, "It's fine, we all have to go to the bathroom.  I'm always going to the bathroom."  She was like, "That's because you drink too much water!!"  She thinks my water consumption and gum chewing is an ED behavior, but it is not.

No gym for me today.  6 miles of walking should do it.  Friday is my no gym day.  Although tomorrow, since I have an obligation, I will not be teaching class and most likely will not work out either.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Really not the best feeling

I'm having a fat freakout kind of day, and yesterday too, but today it worse.  All I could see while I was teaching aerobics was the fat rolls on my stomach, my arm fat jiggling and my back fat jiggling.  I can't take it.  I just want to not eat now.  It's not like I can go into Charro and be like "I hate my fatness and my rolls, and my jiggling arms."  She doesn't want to hear that.  I don't know what to do.  I need to work out more and eat less, I guess.  I don't know how well that will go over.  I hope I go into her office feeling this way tomorrow though, as much as it sucks to feel this way, because then I can at least talk about it and get somewhere with it, maybe.  I never feel this way when I'm there and it would be good if I did.

Insurance can bite me

I started my day in a a bad mood because I had to call my insurance company for the 9 millionth time.  Seriously, they cannot do anything right or timely and it's really beyond incredibly frustrating and it really pisses me off beyond believe.  Do you freaking jobs people!!!  It's not that hard.  Get it done and get it done right!!  Ugh, I can't take it anymore.

Charro's not thrilled with my breakfast choices.  Today I had a yogurt and toast.  I was not "enough" or "enough of a variety."  She wanted to know where the omelette, french toast, muffins where.  Um, sorry to break it to you, honey, I am NOT eating a muffin.  No way.  Let me consume 800 calories of nothing nutritious and a ton of fat.  No thank you.  Tomorrow I'm just going to go back to my cereal.  Enough with this crap.  I will be in a rush in the morning and my cereal is easy and that's what I'll eat.  Oh, Charro said she was going to weigh me tomorrow too.  Woo hoo.  Oh how I love WIF backwards.  So not into it at all.

I need to call some clients and fake being in a good mood now.  It's freezing in my apartment but the heat won't come on because it's over 50 degrees out.  Really, those 4 degrees aren't helping me any.

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Running and breakfast

It's Spring again, at least for a day.  Tomorrow it's going to be cold and rainy again, until it warms up this weekend.

I went for a run in the park.  I didn't feel like running, but was going to do it anyway.  Then, I ended up running with one of my friends, planned before either of us went out to run, and that was good.  I ran farther than I would have, but a little slower than I would have too, but that's okay.  I've realized that I can't pace myself and run too fast when I run by myself.  I actually could have run longer, but that's okay.  Although, when I got home and was stretching and saw all of the fat rolls blubbering over my shorts, I should have run longer.

I had my breakfast challenge this morning.  I ate 2 pieces of raisin bread, one with peanut butter, one with light butter.  I missed my sticks.  I feel like my sticks are healthier and will fill me up more.  I'm supposed to have something tomorrow too, but I'm not sure what I will have.  Maybe I'll make egg whites.  That won't really fly, I'm sure, but whatever.  Charro would want me to eat the entire egg, but that's not happening.  Eggs gross me out.

Monday, May 05, 2014


Yay, no more food logs...for now. :)  Here's the deal, I'm supposed eat something different for breakfast every day this week, take pictures of them, and send them to Charro.  Hmm, I'm not really into that at all.  Charro is dubbing this "The Wyoming Project," in preparation for my trip this summer.  We'll see how that goes.

I don't have time to write anymore.  Gotta jet.

Sunday, May 04, 2014

I was planning on running outside this morning, and then I opted out because it was very cloudy out.  I went to the gym, but only for 25 minutes.  I got there and realized that my legs were tired.  I guess it's a good thing I didn't run today.  I'll run to my sesh tomorrow, kill two birds with one stone.  I did walk a lot today during my picture taking expedition.  I stopped and grabbed some dinner on my way home, which Charro won't be thrilled about because I ate it at 4:30 PM.  I'll hear about that one tomorrow.  I was hungry, what's a girl to do?

My brother made a comment about my niece "getting chunky."  I freaked (inside).  I didn't say thing other than "She is NOT getting chunky. She is fine."  Well, it bothered me for a few days so I wrote him an email.  No response, but he probably won't.  He's not great at responding in general, but I'm sure he won't respond to this one.  At least one of my nieces is going to end up with an ED because of my stupid sister-in-law and her rigidity around food.  It also doesn't help when my niece asks for a snack and she says, "go burn off some calories before you eat something."  NOT OKAY.  I wanted to smack her.  Ugh.  I will kill them (not literally) if my nieces end up disordered.

This weather is weird today.

Friday, May 02, 2014

At least through the weekend

And the food log continues through the weekend.  Charro said I have to keep doing it because I don't write down portions.  Well, I write down as little as possible because I find them to be so tedious.  Hopefully I will be done with them come Monday.

I can't tell if it's going to be nice out or not.  If the big, dark clouds stopped coming it would be a nice day.  I'll have to dress in lots of layers when I go stand outside later.

I got weighed today too, which was fine.  She had a phone call that she had to pick up, because it was her office phone and it was near the end of our sesh, so I took that time to put my sneakers on.  I didn't think she was going to weigh me, but she did, and I had sneakers on, which I never do.  So, that was good. :)

I have a pretty laid back weekend ahead of me, which is nice.  I'm doing stuff but will also have free time.

Thursday, May 01, 2014


Woo, that was a hard fake word to try and figure out how I should write. :)  Charro wanted me to write about my "sticks."  She called them a superstition, but I called them the above word.  So, why is it so hard for me to give up my sticks?  Well, they're low calorie, high in fiber, easy, filling (because of the fiber) and comfortable.  That's why.  I do mix my sticks with a variety of different cereals.

Today is the last day of my food log.  Yay.  She better not change her mind on this.  I think she'll let me stop.

Had a very nice day yesterday, minus the monsoonal rains that didn't let up all day.  Yuck.  It was cold and wet and nasty, but spent much of the day in good company.

Now it's time to pay some bills...never fun!