Sunday, March 30, 2014

About dinner

So dinner didn't really happen tonight.  I got hungry and ate a banana and a little snack and that was about it.  It happens sometimes.  It's fine.  It's not going to kill me.  Charro would give me the "It doesn't matter if you're not hungry, you have to eat" lecture.  Whatever, skipping a meal every now and then is not really a problem.  I'm sure I'll wake up starving tonight.

I'm also pmsing, so that always screws up my appetite as well, it happens.  That's all.

Dead legs

My legs are dead.  I don't know what the deal is.  I didn't work out hard at all this week, in fact, I worked out less than I usually do.  Sure I was standing a lot while I was coaching and that made them tired, but that was only for three days.  They feel so tight and it would be awesome if I could get them massaged, but that's not going to happen.  I ran a few miles this morning, hoping to losen them up a little, but that didn't help.  I didn't want to go to the gym at all, but I did.  I think I'll give them a day of rest next Sunday.

I need to figure out my life, like where I want to live.  I'm sick of throwing money away in rent every month, so I don't know how much longer I'll stay here.  I like it here, but it's so expensive.  Maybe I can find somewhere close by, outside of the city, but an easy commute.  Ugh, I hate figuring out life.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Looking ahead

I'm going to rip my insurance company a new one next week.  They are just morons!!

It's such a relief to know that I will not get weighed when I see Charro on Fridays.  No more WIF makes me so happy.  It's a load lifted...literally and figuratively.  :)

I need to get dressed and head to the gym, but I don't want to.  The weather is crappy, and going to get worse.  Tomorrow I have to run.  Today, I teach.  I feel out of shape and I hate it.  I need to get with it.  It's supposed to be warm on Wednesday, so I plan on running outside.  Yay.  

I met up with my anorexic friend yesterday and she looks, well, anorexic.  Her arms are gross...sticks with veins.  If I didn't know she had an ED, I'd totally know.  It's so obvious.  I don't know how she doesn't think it's obvious.  Best part is, she's a psychologist at a school.  

I need to remember to take my umbrella when I walk out the door.

I really wonder how things are going to go on this trip on going on in August.  It's 10 of us going, I know a few of the people and have met most of them.  One of them is an ED psychologist.  I told Charro that I'll make sure to sit at the opposite end of the table every time we eat.  What will everyone think of my mini bowl of sticks in the morning?  Normal people think it's messed up, what will and ED psych think?  Charro says I need to work on my breakfasts before then so I don't look like a disordered person.  We'll see what happens.  I wonder if this woman will notice that I have issues.  It's not like she would say anything to me, but still.  What if she talks to the others about me?  One of the other women, her daughter was hospitalized a few times for her ED, so there's knowledge there too.  Hmm, should make for an interesting week, unless I change a bit before then.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Stupid insurance

I am SOOOO fed up with my freaking insurance company.  I've had pending claims for 3 months now.  They really, REALLY need to get it together.  I call them every week and email them.  Seriously, this is ridiculous.  Charro re-faxed my invoices from January and February last Monday and they have no evidence of this.  I will resubmit them...AGAIN next week when I get them from her.  Seriously, are they incompetent?  I think they might be.  I should not have to wait 3 months (or longer) to have a claim processed.  I can't get my medication because CVS doesn't know that I've met my deductible because BCBS doesn't even know that I've met my deductible.  You know why??  Because they haven't processed my freaking claims!!!  I'm going to lose it on them, I really am.

I can't decide if I should eat dinner now or after I teach aerobics.  I'm so freaking tired, I can't wait to be home and showered.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


My cat is so happy to have me back home.  He's curled up next to me, purring and kissing my hand.

I didn't weigh myself.  I wanted to, but I didn't.  I just want to know how much I weigh.  I hate not knowing. I did tap the scale to make sure that it's still working.

I don't really have anything else to say.  I got a very exciting phone call yesterday, which I'm not going to share.

I have nothing else to say.

Monday, March 24, 2014

A cold sprint

I talked to Charro a little more about the group that she's starting.  She's going to keep me in the loop.  She said that it wouldn't start until May, which would actually work for me.  The only issue would be that I would have to move my Monday sesh to Wednesday, which is an issue because I'm not in town on Wednesdays.  Hmm, a phone sesh maybe?  We'll have to figure it out.  She thinks the group will be good for me because she thinks it will teach me how to talk better.  We shall see.  I'm willing to try.  I said, "What if I hate it?"  She told me that I could leave if I did.

I didn't work out today, minus my sprint with 1000 layers on and a backback to the subway, and then once again when I got off the subway to get to Charro's office.  I was three minutes late, which was amazing given what time I left work.  

I just got tired.  I have to make lunch to take with me tomorrow and I don't really have anything good.  Well, I don't have anything good at all.  I also forgot to buy milk, so breakfast is going to suck too.  Blah!

I need to watch The Following and then go to bed.  I love that show!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

What's for lunch?

I was hoping to get a good run in today, but that didn't happen.  My legs were tired, which I figured they would be, so I only ran two miles before switching over to the elliptical.  Failed workout.  I don't know if I'll work out tomorrow or Tuesday because my days are crazy.  I have Charro tomorrow afternoon, which I will hopefully get to on time.  I'm sure I'll be running to the subway to get there and then to her office.  I hate when I'm running late to her because it stresses me out.  I will hopefully, and should be, back from NJ in time to get to her.

I know Charro is going to ask me what I'm packing for lunch during these days away, and I really don't have any idea.  I don't have bread, so I can't make a sandwich, which would only be pbj anyway, which is so not appetizing to me right now.  I'll bring yogurt and who the heck knows what else.  This won't be that great.  Oh well.  Unless I have leftovers from tonight.  I'm having friends over and we're having dinner.

I want to weigh myself when I go home, but I think I might have told Charro that I won't weigh myself.  I didn't say it that directly, but I told her that I should probably stop weighing myself and she agreed, obviously.

That's that.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Random sentences

The sun is supposed to come out.  It's warm, at least for today.  I need to clean.  I'm supposed to meet up with two different friends at some point today.  I need to bake for the friends I'm having over tomorrow.  I don't feel like walking anymore today.  My cat spilled an entire class of water all over my stuff, including my recorder, which I soaked in rice and now seems to be working.  My cat likes Popcorners, as do I.  My teeth hurt, most likely from the acidity from all the grapefruits I've been eating.  I need to get on it and eat more before they go bad.  Are they ever going to find the missing plane?  I don't think so.  I'm watching "Too Cute," which means I most likely won't get anything done.  My cat is too cute and sleeping next to me, which is why I'm still sitting on the couch and not dusting.  It seems to be getting cloudier out rather then sunny.  I love cats.  My cat does not respond to the meowing on TV.  I guess he's smart.  He will not be happy when I stand up.  I was out late last night.  I went to a weird show.  My friend and I thought it was quite bizarre.  I need to re-paint my nails.  I need to look at the recipe for what I'm making tomorrow so I can go out and get  the ingredients.  

That's it for random thoughts.

Friday, March 21, 2014

No more WIF?

I think Charro is done weighing least until she changes her mind today.  That's a good thing.  Of course I didn't really bring up the email that I sent her last week. I sort of did, but didn't talk much about it.  I guess I will bring it up on Monday.  

I chatted a lot during the sesh, but that happens after I go away.  She told me that she's starting a group and would keep me in the loop.  She said there will be three people in it and that you have to be in recovery to be in it.  I asked her where that left me and she said, "You'd be able to do it."  Oh, good news.  I think I'm going to try and make it work it out.  I think it will be good for me.  She's doing it with a nutritionist.  We shall see.

So, that's about that.  My teeth hurt and I think it's from the acidity of all the grapefruits I've been eating.  I'll ask my friend tonight, she's a dental hygienist.

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I'm back up North, to a gross, grey sky.  I almost threw up on the plane last night.  The last 40 minutes were not pleasant.

I saw the most beautiful sunrise yesterday morning and got some great pics too. :)  I had a decent run on the beach and a better day laying on the beach.  The water was pretty rough and there was a big undertoe and a rip tide, so they lifeguards pulled everyone out at one point.  I LOVE the ocean.

Back to reality.  Charro tomorrow.  She said she was going to weigh me, but we'll see.  She's been saying that and it hasn't happened, so who really knows.  I wish I could weigh myself to see what happened while I was away, but I can't.  Well, I actually can, there's a scale at the gym and I'll be there tonight.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Rainy morning

I usually go to the beach to watch the sunrise, but not today.  It's pouring rain.  Hopefully that will move out of here pretty quickly so I can go to the beach and run and then go back to the beach.  I have yet to go in the ocean this trip, and I must do that.  I love it.  I think it might be too windy again today, which is why I haven't gone to the beach yet...the wind.  Well, yesterday was cloudy, so that wasn't good either.  I got burned on Sunday, so I guess it was a little okay that it was cloudy yesterday.  I thought it would have turned to tan by now, but it's still a little sore.  I did a bad job at applying my lotions on Sunday.  I'm usually really good at that too.

Running on the beach has been tough because a lot of the beach as eroded in spots.  I've been running on the high sand and then by the water, but on an angle, which was making my good leg/hip hurt and I didn't want to injure it, which is why I'd run on the high sand.

My parents haven't said anything to me about my weight, which is great!!  They see me eat, so I don't see what the issue would be.  Their friends (our neighbors) are coming today and they've mentioned my weight to my parents before, I think, so hopefully nothing will be said.

So, I need the sun to come out, that's pretty much how it goes.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Leaving on a good note

I had another good sesh with Charro.  I define "good" as me actually talking about stuff that has meaning.  It wasn't anything deep, just me trying to figure things out, which is good.  I'm not good at that and I'll probably clam up before I see her again next Friday, but hopefully not.  I hate that I feel like I always have a good sesh right before one of us goes away.  I wonder what that's about.

So Charro asked about my weight, if I had gained it back.  I said, "I gained back 1.5 lbs" and then she asked how much I weighed.  That's where I got caught in a lie.  I told her I weighed 99 lbs and she said, "So you got down to 97 lbs.  You told me a few weeks ago that you were 99."  Okay, so I clearly lied.  I didn't lie about how much weight I lost, I just lied about what my weight was.  See, she thought my starting weight was 102, but it was 98, which meant that I got down to 95.  She thought that I went from 102 to 99, I think, I don't remember if I told her how much I weighed when she asked a few weeks ago or if I just told her that I had lost 3 lbs.  Hmm, another reason why fibbing isn't good.  Anyway, she said she was going to weigh me next Friday and that I have to be at 101.  Then she changed that to 103.  She said I have to be that or she's not going to work with me.  Then she changed her mind and said that she wasn't going to "fire" me if I didn't weigh that, but she thinks it's in my best interest and that she's not going to have this struggle with me because it's my decision, and that she will continue to work with me.  I said, "You just contradicted yourself."  She said, "I know."  I feel so relieved that she's not going to "fire" me because of my weight.  That takes a lot of pressure off of me and I think it will allow us to work better together, not having that stress hanging over my head.  I wasn't gaining weight for me, I was doing it for her, so I wouldn't get fired.

So, of course, I thought about everything on my walk home and wrote her a huge, long email when I got home.  She responded, which was cool.  We'll talk more about stuff next Friday.  I just hope she doesn't change her mind about "firing" me again if I don't weigh a certain amount.  She did say that I have made progress and done a good job at changing my behaviors.  That's good.  So, that's that.  

I think I'm all packed.  I feel like I just kind of threw things into my suitcase and if I forget stuff, oh well, it's not like I can't buy it.  

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Hope it's the end

This better be the last day of freezing cold weather.  I can't wait to go outside in the 7 degrees later.  Really looking foward to that.  Two more days until the beach.

I ended up running outside yesterday.  It felt good to be outside.  I'm so ready to be out of the gym and in the outside world.  It was a short run with my players, but it felt good.  Well, not so much on my lungs and it didn't help my phlegm situtation, but it's all good.

Tomorrow I think I'll tell Charro how hard it's been for me to eat, but that I've been making sure that I have been eating, even when I'm not hungry.  It may not be "enough" but at least I'm eating, right?!  That's how I see it.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Yes, she said that

Charro and I were discussing my hamthighs the other day.  She said I have a "very narrow view of what's accepted."  I said, "For myself."  She goes, "Enough with that crap.  That's like my least favorite eating disordered bullshit.  It's only for me, everybody else looks beautiful.  Ya right, shove it up your butt."  Then I said, "I'm going home now."  She goes, "Why?  Because I'm calling you out on your bullshit.  Get real here, you are very judgemental."  What?  Do you see what comes out of this woman's mouth?  She's nuts and cracks me up.  I don't think she realizes what she says to me sometimes.  I bet she doesn't talk like that to others.  She's funny.  Well, I called her a freak, so I guess it all evens out.  :)

I am listening to my sesh and need to focus because I want to take notes.

Head war

Why don't I ever feel like going to the gym?  I don't feel like going today, and at this point, I don't think it's going to happen.  If I don't go first thing in the morning, it usually doesn't happen.  I'm still thinking about running outside with my team later, but that would only be 1.5 miles, not really even worth it.  I hate that I have this arguement in my head about going to the gym so much.  I feel like I'm being lazy.  I also feel like I wouldn't be able to run too well today because my chest is more congested today than it has been over the past few days.  So frustrating.  The real problem is that I don't feel like going to the gym.  Maybe I'll go Friday instead, but that probably won't happen.  I'm getting lazy and that bothers me.  I usually don't work out on Fridays because I walk at least 4 miles to Charro and back, and by the time I get back from that, I don't feel like working out.  I know that next week I will be running on the beach everyday, so that's good, but still, I feel like I should do something right now.

This post is just a stupid fight going on in my head that I'm never going to win unless I just decide to go work out.  Blah.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Better talking

I had a good sesh with Charro today.  I guess it was more intense the our usual seshes, but I guess that's good.  I mean, there were some interesting things, like when she was drinking her "green juice" and thought there was something weird in there.  She kept making weird faces and looking in the container.  I told her to pour it into her coffee cup, which she did, and she didn't see anything.  All was okay, on her end, after that.  I said, "It makes me feel better that you have issues."

We talked about my high school years and how I wondered what would have happened if someone noticed that I had an ED.  We talked about my hamthighs.  That was a long conversation.  I asked her how she thought I was doing, and of course she turned the question back at me.  I said, "I'm asking you.  I want to know how you think I'm doing."  She said, "okay."  She went on to talk about something they do with alcoholics now, where they don't stop drinking, they just make their drinking less of a problem.  She said that's where she thinks I am.  She doesn't think that's a great place to be, but better than where I was.  She said that she thinks my head is too foggy (she use that word) to get to the "deeper stuff that we never get to."  She's like, "You never go there."  I'll have to figure out exactly what she said when I listen to the sesh.

Anyway, I left there in one of those moods where I just wanted to come home and think about stuff and write and write her an email, but I didn't have time to reflect on stuff because I had to get back to work.  Maybe stuff will come back to me when I listen to the sesh.

That's about it.  I guess I'll eat dinner at some point.  Oh, I'm pretty sure she's going to weigh my on Friday. She asked if I had gained the weight that I had lost back and I said, "I don't know" and she said, "I'll take care of that.  You don't have to worry about it."  So, hence why I think she's going to weigh me.

Sunday, March 09, 2014


I love how I have a cold, after I almost got over being sick.  Oh well, at least I don't feel like crap, which is a good thing. 

I skipped the gym today.  I didn't really even give it a second thought.  I'm just relaxing and cleaning.  I worked out every day, so this was my day off.

I'm not really hungry, probably because I'm eating 10 tons of phlegm.  I may go out to brunch with some friends.  I hate "brunch."  I eat breakfast and I eat lunch, I don't need to combine the two into one.  I will eat lunch, well, probably an egg white omelette and that will be lunch.  I never have eggs for breakfast.  Yuck.

Next week at this time I'll be sitting my bum on the beach.  That makes me quite happy. :)

So Charro said that she's going to make me drink a more caloric drink next time we eat.  She said she's going to bring me chocolate milk.  I said, "skim?" and she said no.  Ugh, that is really going to suck.  She told me that I should really have whole milk because that's what they would give me IP.  Well, I'm not IP so I don't need skim milk, thank you very much.  I can't really even deal with 1% in my mini bowl of cereal.  I probably put like a quarter cup of milk in my cereal every day, so it's not like I'm getting a lot of fat in that bowl of cereal.  We'll see when this chocolate milk situation happens, if it does.

Friday, March 07, 2014

A cold and freezing

Charro did not weigh me today.  That's two weeks in a row that she said she was going to, but didn't.  I'm totally fine with her not weighing me, but she really needs to stop telling me that she's going to weigh me if she's not going to do it.

She asked me what I gave up for Lent.  I said, "chocolate."  She said, "You made brownies and you didn't even eat them?"  I said, "Yes."  Then I told her that I was kidding and I didn't give up anything for Lent and that I did eat brownies.  I sort of feel guilty that I didn't give up anything for Lent that she wanted me to, but why should I, I'm not Catholic.  We've done this for the past two years though, I think.  She didn't say anything to me about my heart rate monitor either.  I don't know if she's forgetting things or if she's just putting all of the responsibility on me and expecting me to take charge and do these things on my own.

I am going to be miserable today.  I have a cold, it's freezing out, and I have to stand outside for 2 hours.  I'm so calling practice early because I refuse to stand outside in 20 degrees for 2 hours, thank you very much.

I can't decide if I should eat or take a nap.  I think I need to take a nap first!

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Charro as a drunk

I had another Charro dream last night.  This time I was waiting in her waiting room and this other girl was there too.  Her name was Melissa.  We were sitting there and Charro unlocked the door to the waiting room from the hall and walked in.  She looked out of it.  She was wearing jeans and a green v-neck sweater.  Her jeans were riding low and Melissa and I both noticed that she was wearing men's underwear, because the "Hanes His Way" white waistband was sticking out above her jeans.  Not sure if she was going for the Justin Bieber look or what.  Anyway, Melissa and I looked at each other and were like, "She must have had a rough night."  She walked into her office and then came out and asked to see Melissa for minutes.  Melissa went in for about 5 minutes and when she came out I was like, "What's the deal?"  She was like, "I don't know.  Rough night?"  So I went into Charro's office and sat down.  She seemed really disheveled.  She came close to me and was talking and her breath stunk of alcohol.  She was like, "Do you have any gum or mints?  I may had a Margarita last night."  I was like "I think you had one too many."

That was all I remember about the dream.  It was bizarre.  I sort of want to tell her about it but I don't because then she'll want to delve into it and be like "What do you think that means?  Do you feel like I'm disorganized, blah blah?"  You know, that kind of stuff.  I don't know what it means.  I don't think she's unorganized or an alcoholic, so I don't know what it's about.  It would also be kind of weird to say that her underwear was sticking out.

Let's hope for no weigh in tomorrow.  No WIF!

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Let's be honest, I don't want to go to the gym.  Let's be honest, if I don't go today, I won't run until Sunday, which is a problem.  I haven't run (well, I ran a mile yesterday before hopping onto the elliptical), in a few weeks, since before I got sick.  I need to get back into running shape because I will surely die when I run barefoot on the beach in 10 days.  I got into nice running shape last month with my beach running and now that's all down the drain.  Not that I'll get into running shape in a little over a week, but still. So I'll go, not wanting to at all, and run just three miles.  Nothing crazy.  I think I should get through that without losing a lung.  Now that I see that in writing, three miles is nothing, but I guess it's better than not going at all.  Ugh.  I wish I didn't feel like I had to do these things.  I guess it's better than feeling like I have to run 8 miles, which is how it use to be.

Charro on Friday.  Hopefully no WIF, but I'm guessing that she'll weigh me.  She said she was going to, but that doesn't really mean anything.  She's not getting my heart rate monitors.  I wonder if she's expecting them. She hasn't brought it up so I'm not bringing them to her.  Yep, not taking responsibility, but oh well.

That's all I've got.  Oh, let me just (again) say how sick I am of this frigid weather.  Make it stop!!!

Oh, I've come up with nothing for Charro's Lent agreement.  Oh well, again, I'm not Catholic so why should I have to participate in this.  She did say I should give up my ED for Lent.  I laughed and said, "I don't know how to do that."

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Weighting and waiting

(Not that "weighting" is a word, but whatever)

I haven't really gained much of the weight that I lost while I was sick back yet.  I know that when I see my parents next weekend, they're going to notice, which is not good.  It's very obvious, I think, in my face.  Ugh.  Not good at all.  It's also not good because Charro will most likely weigh me on Friday (please God, let her forget) and she's not going to be too thrilled with me at all!  Good times.  She'll threaten to fire me again.  I hate when this happens.  I was sick, I couldn't help it.

I'm still waiting for blood results for my cat.  It's either going to be decent news or really bad news.  Either he's okay or he has cancer.  I do not think he has cancer, neither does my vet, but I really dread this call.  I can't take it.  I can't lose him any time soon.  I hate this stuff.  He's all curled up next to me and I need to get up and brush my teeth.  I can't disturb him.

Monday, March 03, 2014

Everything bagel

Ew, that's what I had for lunch today.  Charro was supposed to get sandwiches but we ended up with everything bagels with cream cheese and tomato.  EW!  I will NEVER get rid of my onion breath.  How can people eat those things?  I was disappointed in our lunch.  Juice, by the way was an apple juice juice box.  I asked her if she stole it from her son's lunch box, but she said no.  

So, other than feeling full, I feel fine.  The juice was doable at 120 calories for the entire thing.  I just have to think of it as dessert or something and not think about the pointless calories and grams of sugar it had.  I don't know what the hell I'll have for dinner tonight.  I won't have much time to grab dinner so who knows what I'll end up with.  If I just eat a yogurt she will kill me.

So I'm supposed to go up something for Lent, according to Charro.  Every year I tell her that I'm not Catholic, but she doesn't seem to care.  She wants me to give up weighing myself again, which I did last year.  Or she wants me to either only workout 4 days a week (not going to happen), or add something into my life (food), or no eat cereal for 40 days and eat something else like muffins, croissants, bagels, pancakes, you get the point.  That's not going to happen, so I'm not sure what I'll do.  Maybe I'll just go for the scale again, that's the easiest of the bunch.

Charro did not mention anything about my heart rate monitor and bringing it into her on Friday.  I wonder if she's counting on me to take charge and bring them in on my own, which will most definitely NOT happen.  I'm keeping those babies!  She supposed to weigh me on Friday too, we'll see if that happens.  So much up in the air.  

I'm cold and tired and my contacts are crusted into my eyes and I have to go back outside.  I hate winter.  I'm so pissed that we didn't get the huge snow storm that we were supposed to get because then my afternoon activities would have been canceled.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Lunch tomorrow with Charro

I like to say that because it rhymes.  I am not really looking forward to this lunch though.  I'm hung up on the juice.  Why the hell do I have to drink juice?  I mean, I get why she wants me to do it, but it's not like it's going to change anything for me.  I'm not just going to drink juice in the future.  I don't see the point of consuming calories from a liquid, unless it's like a protein shake or something.  I wonder what kind of juice she's going to get me and I wonder what she's getting for lunch too.  Yuckers!

It's going to suck when she weighs me on Friday too.  Maybe she'll forget.  She says I need to be 102, I don't think that will happen.  I wonder how much weight I gained back after losing 3 pounds last week.  I feel like I don't need to keep on eating anymore, I'm over that.  I think I'll get to weigh myself tomorrow night, which I didn't think I'd be able to, so I'll have some idea what Friday will be like.