Sunday, December 28, 2014

Merry Christmas

Christmas week has been good.  I was starting to freak out a little because I didn't work out on Tuesday and then Wednesday I only played tennis.  I was planning on going to the gym after tennis but the day got busy because it was Christmas Eve.  I woke up on Christmas day and it was warm outside.  We had to wait to open presents and I had to go take care of a friend's dogs, so I ran there.  I don't think my parents knew I ran there, but I did.  It wasn't far, a little over a mile each way, but I felt better that I got out and did that.

I got a fitbit for Christmas.  I didn't ask for one but I got one and I like it.  I had mixed emotions when I opened it up because I knew it was something that I really shouldn't have, but I didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings so I kept it.  It's okay because I like it and am using it, I just know I shouldn't be.  Charro will not be thrilled by this gift, that's for sure.

I think I'm getting a cold, but that's okay.  I'm going to eat breakfast and go to the gym in a bit.  I have nothing to do today, which is nice.  I was out all day yesterday so it will be nice to not do much today, although I'd like to go to Target, but I don't feel like driving 30 minutes to get there.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Last WIF for 2014

I had my last WIF for 2014 yesterday.  I joked with Charro to try and have it be my last WIF forever, but she didn't go for that.  She won't tell me how much I weigh, I asked, but she did say that I've been steady for a while now.  Blah.  I know I've gained 1000 lbs so I don't think I've stayed steady.  

I have to go to a party tomorrow, that I wish I said I couldn't go to.  I won't stay long.  I have too many other things that I need to do.

I'm sure I'll freak out a few times in the coming week, with Christmas Eve and Christmas.  I seem to be freaking out more and wanting to work out like crazy during that time.  We'll see how it goes.  I hate it.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

WIF and Bertha

I love when I feel fat, said no one ever.  I looked 84 months pregnant in class the other night.  I shall never wear tight shirts again.  I would like my stomach to be concave, not convex.

There's so much I should be doing right now, like making my Christmas treats or cleaning.  I'm having 15 people over tomorrow so I do need to clean.  I made 7 pounds of ravioli today and it doesn't look like enough at all.  I made the sauce last night.  I just have to make a dip, which I can do tomorrow and set everything up.  So, I've got time.  All I need to do tomorrow is go to the gym and run my ass off in the morning.

Charro slipped and fell on her ass the other day.  I asked if she was okay and she said yes because she has a lot of padding.  I was like, "You do not have any padding."  She has no ass at all.  She has a concave ass and I want a concave stomach.  So not fair.  Seriously, no ass and stick arms.  I then told her how it's not fair how she's skinny and has stick arms.  

I forgot that I need to make garlic bread.  That takes two seconds.  

I am going to ask Charro how much I weigh when I see her on Monday.  I'm sure she won't tell me but I'm going to ask.  My scale at home says I'm 97, which is totally fine with me, but it can't be right because there's no way that I'd be 103 on Charro's scale if that was the case.  She didn't say that I need gain weight yesterday, which leads me to believe that my scale is incorrect.  I also weighed myself at the gym today and I was 100.  Blah, hate it.  I'll talk to her on Monday.

Friday, December 12, 2014

No boots for me

I need to put more tinsel on my Christmas tree.  I also need to do some serious cooking, but I don't have enough pots.  That might pose a problem.  Oh well, I'll figure it out.

I had my sesh with Charro.  It was fine.  When it came time for WIF she goes, "Let's go, and don't put your boots on."  I swear, it's almost like she reads my blog because she always mentions or does things right after I write about them.  I really don't think she would read it because she has better things to do with her time and doesn't know the site, although I'm sure she could find it if she really wanted to.  So anyway, she goes, "Don't put your boots on.  I got an anonymous email saying you put weights in there?"  I go, "In my boots?"  She didn't respond and then said, "I can't believe you never figured out who sent that email."  (She was referring to something a few years back).  I think she was kidding, but I don't know.  Let's just set the record straight, I have never once put weights in my shoes.  That would make walking really uncomfortable.

So, that was that.  I learned that she lived in Australia.  I am very curious about this woman's life.  I think she's lived/traveled a ton!!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

What about women

I was discussing how I'm going to be a single cat lady for the rest of my life and never have a husband or children.  I would like both of those things.  Dating in NYC is NOT easy.  I could write a blog on that, and all of the incredibly horrible, yet humorous dates that I've been on.  The stories I share with my friends, and vice-versa are just incredible.  Anyway, as I was walking out the door of Charro's (Kruger's) office yesterday she goes, "What about women?"  I just gave her a look.  Um, no thank you.  I'm not into that.

Tomorrow is WIF.  I'm going in there with no help and I'm not sure how that's going to turn out.  I don't know if Bertha (scale at home) is correct, but if it is, then I'm going to get reamed out tomorrow, although I will have my big boots on, unless she catches me before I put them back on.  We shall see.

I have a crap load of stuff to do the next few days.  I'm having 15 people over for a party on Sunday, so I have a ton of cooking to do.  Should be a good time. 

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Fun with people

It's been a crazy week.  I had to take my cat to the vet and he had to stay overnight.  He's fine now.  Been busy with work.  This morning I need to get my ass to the gym and do a little running.  We'll see how that goes.  I haven't run around since last Sunday, since I've been getting headaches from it.

I don't love my weight right now.  I guess it's okay, but I still want to be lower than I am.  I don't really know why but I do.  Even though I'm still under 100, I'd like to be a little lower.  I would just want to be a pound lower, so I don't really know what the big deal is, but the numbers matter to me for some reason.  I'm not obsessing about it, so that's good.

It's been an awesome weekend so far, so I hope that continues today.  :)  Lots of fun with friends and family.

Okay, I need to get my butt up and going.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Walk, don't run

Hmm, I'm back in NY and all decorated for Christmas.  I got my tree yesterday and just finished decorating it.

I saw Charro today.  I wanted to run to my appointment but my head wasn't feeling right.  It kind of hasn't been for the past two weeks.  It's fine until I run and then I get headaches.  I had a pounding headache in the middle of the night last night and this morning my head just felt weird.  My workout wasn't very good this morning.  Anyway, so I walked to my sesh.  

I had a lot to talk to Charro about so it was good to see her.  She always tells me that I will look so much better if I gain weight.  I don't know why.  She asked what would happen if I weighed 110.  I told her that I'd be huge and she said that I wouldn't.  She also doesn't think that I would weigh 110 if I ate normally.  I can't take that chance.  I wonder if she'll weigh me on Wednesday since I'm not going to see her on Friday.  I bet she does.  I'm sure I'll weigh enough.

She must get so tired of me.  I told her how I was freaking out on Thanksgiving because I was so full and gained like 4 pounds that day (well, I left out the weight thing because then she would have asked me why I weighed myself and would have lectured me on that).  She asked me if I challenged my thoughts at all and I said, "No, I don't let myself."  She wanted to know why but I didn't have an answer.

I was hoping to run tomorrow but I don't that's going to happen.  Charro doesn't even want me playing field hockey this winter.  She wants me to time off from it.  I don't know what I'll do.  The field in the winter is like 2 inches big so it's not like I'd be running a lot, besides, I should be able to really run by then.   I better be able to.

I'm hungry but I don't really have anything to eat.  Well, I have a lot of food in my place, I just don't want any of it.

Friday, November 28, 2014

The day after

I'm never eating again.  I'm going to the gym now and never eating again.  That's all.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Charro wants me to continue sending her pictures of my meals.  Well, I told her that that was going to be hard since I will be eating with my parents all week.  I am reporting back to her on what I'm eating, but not sending pics.  I'm not going to take pictures while I'm sitting at the table with my parents.  That would not be cool.  

This picture continuation is due to my meal demise.  Charro referred to it as "a slip."  I said, "It's not a slip."  She asked what it was then and I said, "A bad day."  Then she called it "a relapse."  I did not like that either and said that it made it sound so serious.  She said I don't take it seriously enough.  I don't think it is serious.

So, that's that.  The weight that I gained is gone, so that's good.  I'm sure I'll gain it all back by the end of the weekend.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Tight jeans

I decided, last night, that I need to work out more and eat less.  I put on my jeans, which were just washed and dried, and they were tight on me.  These jeans are usually really baggy and I don't have to unbotton them to put them on or take them off.  This is NOT okay.  They didn't get any looser while I was wearing them, which is also an indication that I need to eat less and move more.  I could not stand being in my own body last night.  This morning I will go to the gym and later I will play field hockey for almost 2 hours.  That is my day.  I can't guarantee what my meals will be like.  I don't care.  I'm sure Charro is going to want to know how things went this weekend and I guess I'll have a lot to tell her and she's probably not going to be so thrilled.  I did eat yesterday though.  I don't plan on really eating real meals today.  I'm going to be around food all week and have to eat, so this is my day to chill a bit.

Why is it that I have nothing to do in the morning and can sleep in, I wake up?  On those days when I have to wake up, I want to sleep and my alarm wakes me up.  It's so frustrating.  I'm tired and I wanted to sleep today but I couldn't.  I just woke up and that was it.  My eyes are so tired right now.

It's going to be warm tomorrow so I am going to run to my sesh with Charro.  I'll have to take my watch off so she doesn't ask me for my heart rate monitor.  I'm not giving it to her.  

Saturday, November 22, 2014

No more pictures

I'm supposed to be sending pictures of my meals to Charro, but I decided last night that I was going to stop doing that.  I feel like I'm driving her nuts by sending two emails to her a day.  I'm sure she probably doesn't care, but I told her that I was going to stop sending them because I didn't want to bug her will all of those emails.  She didn't respond so I guess she's okay with that.  This morning I realized that I don't want to send the pictures because then that means that I actually have to eat a meal.  There ya go.  I still don't want to bug her with food picture emails, but I think the fact that I don't want to be obligated to eat meals might be more of the reason behind me not wanting to do it.

I'm trying to clean up my place because next weekend I'll start decorating for Christmas.  Yay!!  That makes me happy.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Boots and WIF

I put my heavy boots on just in time for WIF today.  I take them off during my sesh and I thought we were done so I started putting them on.  I was getting ready to leave and Charro was like, "You still have a few minutes."  I was like, "Oh, I thought you were giving me the go signal."  She said, "I like how you put your boots on for WIF."  Yep, I did. :)  I probably weigh 900 lbs with those things on.

I've realized that eating 3 meals a day is hard for me.  Let's face it, my breakfast is quite minimal.  If I have a real lunch I usually don't want dinner.  Dinner tonight will be difficult, and who the hell knows what I'm going to eat for the rest of the weekend.  Hmm, not fun.

My English friend just sent me a package full of English treats.  I asked him if he was trying to fatten me up.  It was very nice of him to send me that stuff though.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Quote from Charro today, "103 is absolutely the lowest you should ever be."  Hmm...well...oh well.

Another quote - "Can you please start eating normally?!"
And - "I've had it up to hear with this restricting."  

I was in Kruger's office today.  I don't know why, but I really like that office.  I always like seeing Charro when it's dark, for some reason.  I feel like I'm always more relaxed and calm at night.  It was afternoon, but it was dark.  It's annoying to have to go out at night, like if I see her at 8 PM, but I love that time at the same time.

I'm sleepy and my cat is meowing.

Expanding body

I don't really feel huge, but I look huge, so I'm going to get my ass to the gym and run.  Well, I would run regardless, but I need to really run now, which is hard since I'm still trying to get back into it after having been unable to do it for 5 months.  It's so freaking cold out too, and I hate it.  I don't think I'll be walking to Charro's today, although I need to to get rid of my fatness.

Speaking of Charro, I had a funny dream last night.  I was in her waiting room, sitting at a round table with my friend and Charro was sitting there too.  We were all partaking in some small talk when Charro pulled out an electric guitar and started playing Enter Sandman by Metallica.  I was so shocked, confused, and highly amused and entertained.  I looked at my friend and go, "Is she playing Enter Sandman?"  My friend was like, "I think so."  Then Charro started singing.  Well, I busted out laughing and tried to hide behind my computer screen so she didn't think I was making fun of her.  It was pretty funny.  I can't wait to tell her this one later.

I can't believe how cold it is.  I might die.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Lots of weird dreams

I've had a lot of ED dreams this week.  Last night I dreamt that my parents were meeting Charro at Walmart to talk to her.  I knew they were doing this but I didn't go with them.  I did go and try to spy on them though, after going to the store next door to look at Christmas stuff.  So I got into Walmart and saw them.  It was a really nice Walmart and it had a Barnes and Noble in it.  I walked in and saw my dad hiding behind a clothes rack.  I guess he didn't want to meet with Charro.  I went to the back where B&N was and spotted my mom with Charro, except now it wasn't Charro it was Kruger.  I tried to hear what they were talking about while hiding behind some books, but I wasn't able to.  Oh, I just remembered that I had met with Charro for an hour before she was meeting with my parents.  I know she was with them for a while, but then it might have been in a house, unless that was another dream.  Let me bounce to that because I am now remembering that.  I met with Charro for an hour and then my parents came over and met with her for over two hours.  I remember wondering how much she was going to charge for that.  They walked in and I was there and we walked by some stairs that went down and Mike Brady was at the bottom of the steps.  I left and ended up at a very crowded gym.  I was definitely being disordered.  I was with friends, and I think they were disordered too.  I definitely was feeling competetive with another person who was at the gym and anorexic.  I was trying to find cardio machines that we could all get on so we could talk while we worked out for a while.  We spent some time at the gym and then we had to go get blood drawn.  I went with one other person and I saw this other doctor, who I really liked, and she sent us to get blood work.  We went downstairs into a room where there were just a bunch of metal beds, like stretchers, to lay on to get our blood drawn.  The workers recognized us, I guess we had to get blood drawn a lot for our EDs, and made small talk and then proceeded to tell us to take care of ourselves and eat well.  They were genuinely concerned about us.

So that was last night's little dream sequence, as confusing as it may be.  The other night I dreamt that I was at my house, which was this huge house with wood floors.  Charro was there, as well as a bunch of her colleagues.  Charro got there the night before and stayed over so we could have a sesh.  The next day was party time and thats when everyone else showed up.  My mom ended up talking to Charro's boss, a big wig in the ED community, and I was not too thrilled about that.  I was trying to hear what she was talking about and get them to break up the conversation.  Then I realized that there was cat puke EVERYWHERE!!!  It was on the counters, floors, walls, everywhere!  I grabbed some clorox to clean it up and it bleached out the hardwood floors.  It was a disaster.  Then the party was over so I walked Charro out to help her carry her bags.  The end.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Up 3

I've gained 3 pounds in the past couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how that happened and I don't really know if I'm okay with it.  Well, I guess I do know that I'm not really okay with  it.  I feel fat and I see cellulite on my legs and I'm not okay with any of this.  

I'm watching Hallmark Christmas movies.  I didn't really eat dinner so it's a good thing I took a picture of my lunch and sent it to Charro.  I didn't not eat dinner because I gained weight, I didn't eat dinner because I was at my sister's house and we were going to go out and then we didn't, and I wasn't really hungry so I didn't care.  That's how it all went down.

Cold weather is coming and I am NOT looking forward to it at all!

Monday, November 10, 2014

Picture this

I have to take pictures of one meal a day for the next 5 days and send them to Charro.  Good thing I took a picture of my lunch today because I didn't eat dinner.  I emailed her the picture and told her that I probably wasn't going to eat dinner because I'm still full for lunch.  I thought it would be best that I was honest with her about it.  I'll eat a little something but it won't be a meal by any stretch of the imagination.  

I'm having lunch with my co-worker tomorrow, so I'll take a picture of that and send it to Charro.  I think my co-worker wants to make sure I'm eating, hence the lunch.  Now that she knows she checks in with me, which could get annoying.  

Sunday, November 09, 2014

Being Lazy

I should go to the gym, but I'm not going to.  I was going to go into the park to take pictures, but I don't feel like doing that either.  My legs are tired.  I don't know why they're so tired, but they are.  I'm going to play field hockey later so at least I'll get some exercise.  I still should go to the gym, but that's not happening at this point.  

I'm going to do some cleaning instead.  That's always a good thing to do, and productive.  I should do laundry as well, but I'm not sure if I should wait and do it tomorrow or just do it now.  I probably should do it now instead of waiting until I have more dirty laundry.  Something might come up tomorrow night and I won't be home.  I doubt that though.

It's going to be a nice day for field hockey.  Yay.

Friday, November 07, 2014

Happy Friday

I thought Charro was going to forget about WIF today, but she didn't.  It doesn't matter because I put my shoes on and she didn't realize it, or if she did, she didn't care because she didn't say anything to me.  They're heavy too.  So, WIF was a breeze.

I told her what my parents said to me the other day.  She thinks I should talk to them because she knows I don't want them to worry about me, but I know that I'm not going to bring anything up with them.  I don't want them to worry and they'd probably worry less about me if I told them that I'm still seeing her, etc.  I told her I'd tell them that I'm "fine," but she said that is not true.  Hmm, I like to say "I'm fine."  It's the easiest thing to say.  She really, really wants me to talk to them about it all, but I will not.

She told me she saw the TFT on the subway.  I cracked up.  The TFT was from her very first office.  I'm sure I wrote about her back in the day, seven years ago.  She said, "I almost texted you to tell you but I didn't want to bother you."  I said, "You should have!"  She said, "Watch out for her, she was on the 6 train."    LOL.  I love Charro.

I'm supposed to bring her my heart rate monitor on Monday but since she didn't remind me about that, I'm not going to do it.  Oh wait, I wasn't going to anyway.

Tonight I'm going to be outside for a bit so I need to layer up.  Not sure if I should wear tights under my jeans or just my jeans.  I guess I'll only be out there for an hour so it's not like I'm going to freeze to death.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Burpees in Charro's office

I worked out in Charro's office on Monday.  I'm not sure how this all came about but I must have been talking about aerobics or something and she said she got an email with funny exercises but didn't know the names or what they were but then she remembered that one was called a mountain climber.  She asked me what it was and I demonstrated.  Then she said there was a really funny named one and I said, "burpee," and she said yes and asked what it was.  So, I showed her a few and then she was like, "Okay, stop working out in my office."

I can't take her skinny ass...literally, her skinny, no ass-at-all ass.  Her pants hang and sag and she doesn't try to be skinny.  She has stick arms too.  I can't take it.  I need to fatten her up.

Oh, here's one...My dad told me I looked anorexic in my Halloween pictures.  He said my face was all sucked in.  I said it was because I wasn't smiling and was making a mean face.  Yesterday, my mom told me that my face is too skinny, when she was looking at the pictures.  I said it was because I wasn't smiling and then I said that I look fine when I'm smiling so she wanted to see a smiling picture.  She said that my face was still too thin and then she said, "Look at your neck, how small it is."  I said, "That's because I'm wearing a shirt (my costume) that was 20 sizes too big.  She said, "That could be it."  My face does look really skinny in those pictures, but I had to look mean so I made a face.

Monday, November 03, 2014

Bye bye bowl

I gave my bowl to Charro.  I brought in two, one was my real cereal bowl and the other was this tiny bowl that I put paper clip in and stuff.  So she asked me about my bowl and I pulled out the really tiny one.  Her reaction was priceless.  I think she said, "That's really upsetting."  Then I gave her my real one and she still thought it was a bit upsetting but it was better than the other one.  I took the little one back.  She said how it looked like one that she had so I said, "You want it?  I was going to get rid of it."  So she took it.  She was happy.

I love how she tells me that I'm too thin, yet her pants were hanging off of her today.  She has no butt at all and is skinny.  Why is it okay for her to tell me that I'm too thin when she is thinner than I am?  Maybe I will have to bring that up with her on Friday.

She mentioned how we didn't have WIF last week because I didn't see her.  I told her that I was so sad about that and sat in my apartment all day to mourn.  Ha.  Stupid WIF.  I'll be ready for that on Friday.

I just had some soup but I don't want anymore so I didn't finish it.  I don't know why I'm so tired, but I am.

 I have the biggest knot in my right quad.  I always get them there and I'm sure it has something to do with my labral tear in my hip.  Who knows.  

Sunday, November 02, 2014

Um, no thanks

I had a dream that some weird man was following me.  That was not the bad part of the dream.  I ended up near some little pond and I may have been taking pictures.  This lady came out and we were talking and then she tried to stick a feeding tube up my nose.  That was the bad part.  I remember that she had made a strawberry milkshake and I said, "That's going to be really cold.  You cannot stick that up my nose."  I'm not sure what happened, but I know I fought it and then I woke up.

I ran 3 miles this morning.  I was planning on staying at the gym longer but my digestive tract decided that it was time to go home.

Saturday, November 01, 2014

Fatness returns

I'm feeling pretty fat and gross right now.  I always love that feeling.  UGH!  Hate it!!!  

I plan on running tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.

Friday, October 31, 2014

No Charro = Gym

I got to go to the gym this morning because I didn't have Charro.  She took the day off and I hopped on over to the gym.  I got a little extra sleep too, which was nice.  It was kind of nice to not have to walk down there this morning and to not have WIF.  I don't mind not having WIF.  Maybe I should cut back to one day a week, to the office where there is no scale. :)

I LOVE Halloween.  Can't wait to go out all dressed up tonight.  I love getting all dressed up for Halloween. It makes me happy.

Tomorrow is going to be cold and rainy, so after I teach my two aerobics classes, I can come home and sleep and maybe do a little baking and then babysit.  Yay.  Sunday is going to be freezing with 40 mph wind.  I am glad I am not running the stupid marathon.  I'll freeze my ass off at field hockey, but you burn more calories in the cold, so it's all good. ;)  Ha.

Back to Charro with my little cereal bowl on Monday.  She'd have to confiscate my whole cabinet to get rid of all of my mini bowls.  I have a million of them.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Bowl

I had my cereal out of a different bowl this morning, but I put it next to "the bowl" that I have to give to Charro, and it's really about the same size.  I have a lot of little bowls so getting rid of one really isn't going to  do anything.  Even if I ate out of a "normal" sized bowl, like she wants me to, I'm not going to eat the amount of cereal that she wants me to.  I don't need a huge bowl of cereal in the morning.  I like to eat a little amount, go work out and then eat more when I get home at some point.  Hmm, I'm a problem, I guess.

I don't know how I'm going to get out of giving her my heart rate monitor.  I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to.  I'm trying to figure out how I can give her just one of them, the broken one, and keep the one that works.  Although, I think they might both work now, I don't know.  Whatever, I am non-compliant and am only hurting myself.  It is what it is.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Bowl and heart rate monitor

Okay, so I didn't bring my little bowl to Charro today, mainly because I ran to my sesh and I didn't want it bouncing around and hitting me in the back the whole time.  

First things first, let's talk about the fact that I ran for really the first time in over 4 months.  I feel okay too.  Yay.  I stopped a lot when I had to cross the street because I didn't have the light, but it was good because my heart rate was getting too high, which normally I wouldn't care about but I want to make sure my head is okay.  I think it is! :)  I felt fine after field hockey, and surprisingly I'm not even sore from it.  Crazy.

Okay, back to the bowl.  I told Charro I would not use it until I bring it to her.  She said I have to give it to her next Monay and then the following Monday I have to give her my heart rate monitor.  Ugh, she's wanted that thing from me for a long time now and I've always managed to get away without giving it to her.  Let's see if she forgets again.  I hope so.  Then she goes, "I know you have two so you have to bring both of them to me."  Hmm, I was like, "Why do you think I have two?"  She was like, "I know you do.  You told me."  Grrr.  This is not okay.  Then she said she liked my watch so she'd get to wear it.  She said, "I was admiring your watch." 

So I had to take pictures of my lunch, preparation, eating it, and when I was done a picture of the bowl, and send it to Charro.  Of course she responded and said that I needed to have a delicious dinner.  Sure, it was good, what I ate, but it wasn't really dinner.  I suck at eating.  I can admit that.  I don't see Charro again until next week so I won't be admitting that to her because I'll probably forget by then.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I went to Charro's house

I had a dream I went to hang out with a friend who was babysitting outside the city.  When I got there, I realized it was Charro's house.  Well, I didn't know until I got inside and saw a family picture.  I was a little bit freaked out, yet very curious, about being in her house.  I thought things were okay until I realized that she was still home and upstairs.  I knew that she would be uncomfortable with me being there and I would feel weird about it too.  

I was sitting on a chair in the family room talking to my friend when she came down the stairs.  I turned the other way so I wouldn't look at her and she would hopefully not see that it was me.  I didn't want her to know that I knew that I was in her house, so I figured that if I never saw her, she wouldn't know that I knew where I was.  Well, she obviously saw me because she went back upstairs and when she came back down she was in this really curly reddish-blonde wig.  When she walked out the door I looked at her and totally pretended that I didn't know it was her.  I was in the clear for a bit, until we all ended up in the same car going back into the city.  However, we weren't in the city, we were right by my high school.  Weird.  I still think I pretended not to know it was here in order to not make her feel uncomfortable.  So, that's really all I remember.  She'll love hearing this one tomorrow.

I'm going to attempt to play field hockey for the first time in, well, forever today.  My doctor didn't exactly say it was okay for me to play.  His exact words were, "I don't recommend it."  I have a feeling that it probably won't go well, in many ways.  My head has been hurting since Friday.  Friday I had a bad headache and it's since gotten better, but I can still feel that my head is not right.  I'll take it easy and be smart.  I might end up only playing for 5 minutes. :(  Hopefully that is not the case.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Bowl Confiscation

Charro has informed me that I MUST bring in my cereal bowl and give it to her on Monday.  She says I need to eat out of a normal sized bowl and eat at least 2 cups of cereal.  Hmm, I don't think I can eat that much cereal.  She said that if we wouldn't get arrested for hurting someone, we could toss it out of her window from the 10th floor and break it.  We both decided that that wasn't a great idea, although we also decided that it would either his scaffolding or someone wearing a hard hat because that seems to be what her street consists of.

I wore my WIF jeans.  She noticed and said something about them.  I said, "They're fun and happy."  She then asked me what was in my pocket.  I responded with "keys and tissues."  She said she'd subtract for that.  I told her to make sure she subtracted a lot for the tissues because they weigh a lot. ;)

So, that's that.  I'm only seeing her once next week because of our schedules.  No WIF next week, which will be nice. :)

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Here comes WIF

Yesterday, Charro asked me how my has been.  I said "fine," because I don't really know how to answer that.  Well, I think it was "fine" and then yesterday and today it has kind of sucked.  I sort of forget about lunch so I eat a little something when I remember, which has been around 2 PM.  Last night I had french toast for dinner and when I got home, I had a little salad because I felt like I should eat something else.  I should probably figure out what to have for dinner tonight, especially since tomorrow is WIF and if I'm not "up there" it will not be a good situation.  I got the WIF Warning yesterday.  Hmm.  Maybe she'll forget to WIF me again.  I doubt that.

This weather is absolutely gross.  Cold, rainy and windy.  Yuck.  I hope the rain stops before I have to go out tonight.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

WIF Warning

It's tea drinking season...that time of year when you can't turn your heat on because it's not "cold" enough for it to work, yet it's too cold in your apartment.  I guess a space heater would be nice to have.

I saw Charro this morning.  I told her about the crazy Kruger dream I had, which sort of made sense because I saw a woman who looked just like her the other night.  So, that was that.  Charro said that I better be up on WIF.  She said, "I'm warning you."  I said, "You're giving me a WIF Warning?"  She said yes.  At least she didn't weigh me today, I would have been screwed.  I told her that I am going to eat a piece of the pumpkin bread that I made, which weighs about 3000 pounds for some reason, before I come in for WIF.  She was like, "Don't do that.  That's disordered."  Then she said something about not eating before WIF, but she didn't mean for me not to eat so I said, "Oh, you don't want me to eat?"  She was like, "What is this, a comedy skit?"  Maybe. :)

So, I must get ready for WIF.  She goes, "Now that you're wearing more clothes you need to weigh more."  That wasn't exactly what she said, but close enough.

My hip is tight today and my foot keeps going numb, wtf? 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Ew, jeans shopping

So much for that feeling of not feeling fat.  That disappeared Friday night, shortly after I wrote about how I don't feel that way much.  Ha, awesome.  I went out and looked huge.  I hated my outfit.  I felt huge again the next day.  Today, I went shopping and looked huge in the mirror at TJ Maxx.  I bought jeans, not sure if I'll keep them.  I hate jeans shopping.  My hamthighs are huge and my saddlebags.  So not okay!!  Ugh.  I want to look like Sandra Bullock in The Heat, which I'm currently watching, because she is skinny and like a stick.  Must be nice.

That's all.  I'll see skinny singers tomorrow night too, which I'm sure will make me feel great about myself.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Forgotten WIF

Charro forgot to weigh me today.  I didn't bring it up with her either, I just walked out. :)  Maybe she didn't want to weigh me after our pumpkin scone breakfast and my drinking a gallon of water with my medicine.  Who knows.  Who cares.  I'm sure she'll make up for it next week.

It's a beautiful day out.  It's probably the last time I'll be able to wear flip flops until I go to Florida in January.  Sad day. :(

Charro helped me with my list of questions to ask the neurologist on Monday.  I told her I'd let her know how everything goes.  Hopefully he will recommend that I get an MRI.  She told me to take my time in there and ask a lot of questions so I don't come out of there with "I don't know" answers.

I told Charro how I don't obsess about my body much anymore.  She said I've worked hard to get here.  I don't see it, but okay.  I told her that I have her to thank.

Okay, back to work.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Breakfast and WIF

I feel like I have nothing to talk about with Charro these days.  It's funny how you can go from having so much to say one week to having nothing the next.  We're having breakfast on Friday, that will be fun.  There was some sarcasm there.  I chose Friday as our breakfast day so I will weigh more for WIF.  Clever, right?  :)  Let's just hope she doesn't want to weigh me before we eat because that would suck.

I just looked down and saw that I look pregnant.  Probably the way I'm sitting so I should straighten up.  Okay, fixed my posture. 

Charro forgot to WIF me on Friday.  I reminded her, although I'm not sure why, probably because had on boots so they weighed a lot.  She always tells me to "keep going," and I'm not really into the "keep going" thing so I won't. 

My life has been uneventful ED wise, so I guess that's a good thing, which is why I haven't written much.  It's been very exciting in other aspects.  So, that's that.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

It's been a week

I've really been slacking in the posting on here, but I guess that's good.  I've been super busy, in a fun way, and just really haven't had time.  I don't have anything special to say.  I'm enjoying my weekend with some good music, fun, friends and family.  Spent some time with my favorite singer. 

I got an email this morning from the psychologist I went on vacation with.  She asked how I was doing and if I got fired from therapy.  I thought that was sweet.  She checks her emails every 9 years, so I don't expect her to read my response until 2038.  (Yes, that is more than 9 years).  I have something to give to her so maybe I'll see if she wants to get together this week. 

I should be doing laundry but I don't feel like it.  Oh well. 

I got excited and started jumping up and down at the concert I was at last night and my head started hurting a little.  It was not a bad headache at all, just could tell that the jumping had an impact on my head and the concussion situation has not resolved itself yet.  I go to the doctor next week.  I hope I get some sort of answer, or at least hope he tells me to get an MRI or CT scan or something.  I want to know something.  I want to play field hockey NOW!!

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Fun days

My blogger is being weird.  Oh well.

I've been crazy busy and have had no time to write anything.  I've pretty much just been home to sleep.  Right now I'm curled up on the couch with my little guy.  I'll probably end up going back out in a bit, but I really hope not.

I'm not seeing Charro tomorrow because she's got something going on.  I passed WIF on Friday.  She didn't say a word to me when I stepped on the scale so I'm assuming everything was fine.  I had lots of clothes on. 

I did something that I shouldn't have on Thursday, and I'm not sure if it was running a few blocks outside or jumping rope, because I was a little spacey after that and had a tiny tiny headache.  I have to wait another 2 weeks before I see the neurologist, but I'm sure I won't get any answers so it will be a pointless appointment.  At least give me a scan of some sort.

My feet hurt.  I want to play field hockey.  I want to sleep a lot tonight.  I want to run.

I have a FUN week coming up.  I cannot wait.  That's all.  Lots of fun going on here.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Still a good head

I ran again this morning, and I was okay!!  I'm very excited about this.  I only did 2 miles again before heading over to the elliptical, but I think I'll try for 4 this weekend.  I think I can do it and be okay.  I guess we'll find out.  If my head feels weird after that, then I'll know that I pushed it too far.  I still think I'm ready to play field hockey and might just do that next weekend.  We shall see.  EVERYONE says I should not do it.  Charro wasn't so thrilled when I told her that I ran, but whatever, she can't stop me.  If I feel fine, there's no reason why I can't do it.

I have the hugest knot in my calf.  I've had it for a week and have been working on it for a few days now but it's not going away.  It's annoying, but whatever.

Charro on Friday.  I asked her what my weight was the other day and she said it was the same.  I said, "so why did you tell me that I have to gain weight?"  She said she just thinks I should gain some more.  I disagree and will not.  I told her that she's going to keep telling me that until I'm 237 pounds.  She was like, "Why would I want that?"  Let's be honest, my weight has been the same for years, I don't think it's changing anytime soon.

Monday, September 29, 2014

And I ran

I told two of my co-workers about my eating stuff.  That's how I phrased it.  I emailed them last week to tell them.  I didn't go into detail, but I sort of needed to tell them because of some stuff going on there.  Today, one of them was texting me and asking me a bunch of questions.  I was fine with it.  I told her that I've been dealing with this for 22 years.  She thought, initially, it was 7 and she felt bad about that.  Think about how she felt when I told her it was 22.  I do not want her to feel bad for me.  I don't want either of them to treat me differently, which is something I fear.  I definitely don't want sympathy though.  I'm okay.  I don't want them to feel sorry for me.  

I feel like other stuff has happened, but I don't know.  I've had such a packed 5 days and wasn't really around much.  Had an awesome weekend and now it's back to work.  Blah!!  That's not fun.

So, that's it.  I'm not sure WIF is going to go well on Friday, I may have lost more weight.  

Oh ya, I ran this morning.  I did two miles with NO concussion symptoms.  This makes me happy.  I'm going to start running again.  I'm supposed to wait until I see the neurologist, but whatever, I'm fine.  Charro tends to disagree with that, but whatever.  She's just afraid for me.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

WIF it

Charro told me that I need to gain weight after she weighed me yesterday.  I lost weight last week.  I should have asked her how much, but she won't tell me anyway.  She'll just keep on telling me to gain weight until I'm huge and where she wants me to be.  She says I need to be 102, but I know she will keep telling me to gain weight until I'm more than that.

I'm tired.  It's been a busy/fun few days.  My feet are killing me.  Tomorrow, we're relaxing with a beach day!!!  Yay!

Charro Monday and then work crap.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's only Wednesday

So I saw Charro this morning, she did not weigh me, but told me that I better NOT be down on Friday and I should be more.  Um, that is so not going to happen.  I'm pretty sure I lost about 2 pound since last Friday.  I asked her what I'm supposed to do, binge eat for the next two days.  She said no, that I should just eat more.  Um, okay, well if I lost two pounds it's not going to magically appear in 48 hours.  I'm not rocket scientist, but I can do math and I do know how my body works, so I will not be gaining 2 pounds in 2 days. She said that I chose not to eat while I was stressed out.  I disagreed with that.  I said that I couldn't eat because I felt like I was going to throw up and I wasn't hungry at all.  She didn't care for that answer and explained that I would not throw up and that you only throw up if you're poisoned or if you self-induce.  Not true, I use to throw up all the time when I was little and I was neither poisoned, nor did I self-induce.  I should have thrown that info out at her.  I can give her that tidbit on Friday.

So my friend is coming to town today for 9 days, and staying with me, by the way.  We have some fun stuff planned, which is good.  I need to have some fun after the week I've had.  The huge ass bug was the icing on the cake.  She'll drive me insane, for sure, but I'll hopefully make it through.  Thank God for Charro right now, that's all I've gotta say.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Three already

I can kind of see how easy it is to fall right back into an ED with just a few days of something stressful.  I've had no appetite and haven't really eaten much.  I ate the tiniest little bowl of cereal this morning, only because I was going to the gym.  I can see how after a few days of this your head can go back into the disordered place.  It just hit me, what if tomorrow my stress is over and I'm back to feeling okay, but I start to think, "I can't eat that."  What if all of the crazy thoughts come back?  I don't know what's going to happen.  UGH!  I just know that right now I do not want to eat and I'm not hungry.  I feel like I'll throw up if I eat.  

I've done nothing all weekend, besides go to the gym.  I could have gone out last night, but I chose not to.  I don't feel like being around people.  I might meet up with a friend later, but I kind of hope I don't.  I do have to go to the store.  

It was supposed to be nice and sunny today and I was going to veg on the roof all day, but it's very overcast and not nice out.  Oh well.

Beyond frustrating

So I hopped on the treadmill.  I ran 3/4 of a mile and then thought my head started to feel funny so I walked the rest of the mile.  That was it.  That was pathetic.  That was it for the treadmill and I went over to the elliptical for the rest of the time.  I guess my head feels a little funny now, but I gave it a shot.  This is so beyond frustrating.  I can't take it.  There's a lot I can't take right now.  I clearly have a hard time listening to doctors and other medical people when they tell me to wait.  I waited a long time and had to try it out.  Ugh. One more more until I see the neurologist.  Too long to wait!

Oh, I just noticed I have some peppers that I have to pick.

Be done

I'm really tempted to go running today.  I think my head is fine.  It's felt good for a few weeks now and I feel like I could run, but I'm also afraid that if I do, my symptoms will come back.  I feel like I need to test it though, so I have something to tell the neurologist when I go.  Charro would absolutely kill me if I went for a run.  I think what I'll do is go to the gym and run a mile on the treadmill and see how that feels, then do the elliptical.

I'm still incredibly stressed.  That makes eating difficult, but I don't seem to really care.  I'm not forcing myself to eat.  This might be an issue when it comes to WIF, but hopefully Charro will understand.  Oh, she might weigh me on Wednesday when I see her.  Ugh.  I can't take it anymore.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Stress sucks!!!

WIF was fine today.  I had on jeans because it's freezing out and more clothes than usual because of that.  Charro said, "Good job" when I got off of the scale.  I forgot what I said but then I said, "My wallet is in my sweatshirt."  She said, "Take it out and let's do it again."  I said, "It doesn't weigh that much."  So I hopped on again and I said, "See, it didn't make a difference."  She said, "A couple of ounces."  You can't tell a couple of ounces on those doctor scales.  I got off and said, "See, at least I'm honest."  :)  Before I got on for the first time she said, "I almost patted you down."  Hmm, I wonder what that was about.

I'm so freaking exhausted.  I got home late on Wednesday because I was at a concert.  Maybe you've heard of him...Mr. Billy Joel.  I mean, beyond amazing.  I haven't seen him in 20 years and he's still got it.

I'm dealing with a ton of work shit/stress right now.  I'm not going to get into it here, but it sucks a big fat fn ass and I don't think I've ever been so stressed out.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Chili season

The jeans are coming out for WIF tomorrow.  Not "The Jeans," but just jeans because it's going to be cold.  I guess that means no flip flops, which sucks.  I need my flip flops.  If I showed up in my WIF jeans Charro would kill me.  Well, she wouldn't but I won't do that yet.  I'll save those for another WIF.

I plan on making veggie chili today, we'll see if that really happens.  I need to go to the grocery store in order for that to happen.

That's all I've got.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Going to lose my mind any time now

I can't take it.  It's going to be a matter of days before I lose my mind and start running and cutting back on some serious food.  I'm done.  I ran across a few streets today and my head feels fine.  It's time for me to run.  I can't take it.  I'm huge and gross and I just need to run forever.  This is so frustrating.  I can't stop eating because of stupid WIF but I don't want to eat.  I'll figure something out.  I need to.  I couldn't sit still tonight while I was babysitting.  My fatness is driving me insane.  I just want to run.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Like Forest Gump

The minute I am allowed to run, I'm just going to go.  I'm going to run, and keep on running like Forest Freaking Gump.  I need to run about 4 million miles.  I can't take this anymore.  My body is squishy and fat and changing shape and I feel disgusting and I am SO out of shape, cardiovascularly.  I can't take it.  I'm so beyond over it.  UGH!!  I'm going to lose my mind, more so than I already have.

Why are my glasses always so dirty?

Ya, so I'm just going to run.  I'll probably be able to run for 3 minutes before I pass out and die, but I'll just keep on going.  

Friday, September 12, 2014

Sweatshirt on

Charro didn't tell me to take my sweatshirt off for WIF today.  Thank Goodness.  That was probably my saving grace.  She said I was right at 102.  She said I need to keep eating and I need to stay at this weight.  Um, okay.  I joked about being done with WIF and she was like, "No."  I knew we weren't but I thought I'd say it anyway.

Oh, so I walked into the building, went upstairs and went into the bathroom, which is appropriately placed across from the OBGYN doctors.  I walked into the bathroom and the head of the ED program, like a big wig in the ED world, was in there putting on her make up.  She is never really in this building so I was shocked to see her.  I went to the bathroom and hoped that she would be gone by the time I was done, but she was still there putting on her make up.  I filled up my water bottle in the sink, because there are no water fountains to be had, and continued on my way.  I didn't change my shoes in there, I waited until I got into the waiting room.  I told Charro that I saw this woman in the bathroom and she said, "Yes, she texted me and told me that she was in the building."  Funny thing is, I saw this woman's twin (maybe it was her, but I highly doubt it) in my neck of the woods on Saturday.  I really don't think it was her because I don't think she lives near me.  I'm like "She's following me!"

Anyway, Friday turned out to be a fine day, thus far...oh, minus almost being hit by a van.  My friend saved me on that one.  We were crossing the street and we had the walk signal, and this van turned and nearly hit me.  My friend pushed me out of the way and then proceeded to yell at the woman driving, who was not paying attention at all.  A man behind us said, "She wasn't paying attention."  There was a traffic cop right there too, you think she would have looked to see what the commotion was all about, but she didn't seem to care.  At least I'm alive to talk about it.

Happy weekend!  I guess I have a busy weekend.  I didn't realize it was busy until I told someone what my plans are and she was like "Wow, you're busy."  Oh, maybe, but it's all fun so it doesn't seem busy.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Remember today and WIF stuff

I can't wait for WIF tomorrow...said not me ever!!  Ugh, I hate WIF.  I got my hair cut so now I'm going to weigh less.  I'll make sure I tell Charro she needs to add a half a pound back on for my chopped off hair.  Ha.  

Lots to talk about tomorrow.  Well, not really "lots" but stuff.

Oh, let's talk about how I cannot wait until I can start working out like a real person and running 900 miles, which will then probably mess up my hip again or something.  Who knows, I don't care.  I can't take my stomach rolls.  I just need to run, run, run.

Charro and I discussed hair while I was eating my stupid lunch the other day.  She was talking about how thick my hair is and how thick her son's hair is and how she never gets all of the shampoo out of it.  She said, "You must have to stand in the shower forever trying to get all of that out of your hair."  Ha.  She's funny.

I just realized I never finished writing this.  Well, I'm done.

I can't help but mention what happened 13 years ago today.  As I look out my window, I see the two beams of light...ghosts of where the Twin Towers once stood.  That horrific day seems like forever ago, yet sort of like yesterday.  I'm remembering all of those lives that where lost, no, not lost, they were murdered, and all of the heroes that day.

Oh wait, this is funny.  Charro was telling me that I should call someone or something when I start to freak out.  So, I started to tell her about how I called my friend when I went running.  I said, "I called T when I...Oh, I didn't tell you that story...when I went running."  She chimes in and goes, "You went running!!!??"  Then I got a lecture about how I'm not supposed to be running with my concussion and I told her I was testing it out.  It was just funny how I got caught throwing myself under the bus.  ha.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Bad mood

My bad mood continued today.  I'm better now, after hanging out with some friends.  I vented to my co-worker in the office, which got me all fired up, so it was a good thing I saw my friends after that.  I need a punching bag.

I am not looking forward to WIF.  Every week this is going to be the death of me.  A ball of stress as I walk to her office on Friday mornings.  If I don't make it this time around, she's definitely going to fire me.  She's given me a break the past two weeks, I'm not sure how many times she will grant me that break.  Maybe she'll be nice since I ate yesterday.  Not that I don't eat, but you know.

Is it bad that I don't feel like doing anything, like socially?  Maybe it's because I'm in a bad mood.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm in a funk.  I don't know.  Right now, I'm going to do a jigsaw puzzle, that's all I know.  I love doing them and I need to train my brain.

Monday, September 08, 2014

And dinner is supposed to happen

Lunch sucked a little.  Dinner is going to suck a lot because not only am I full of stupid calories, my boss just really pissed me off and upset me.  So now I want to eat dinner even less than I did before, and I have to take a picture of my dinner and send it to Charro because she wants a full report on my dinner.  Well, I don't think I'll be having dinner...not much of it at least.  She is not going to be so thrilled.  I am not so thrilled.

Grrrr...I'm just pissed.

Stupid salad and shake

Less than two hours til lunch.  I'd run there if it weren't for my head.  The weather is perfect for a run.  So, I guess I'll be walking.  Maybe I should forget to bring a fork for my salad and I can eat it with my fingers.  I probably will forget, and not even on purpose.  

I'm so not looking forward to this.  I ate a little bit smaller breakfast to assure that I'd be hungry, which I am not, but but by the time I get there and am all nervous, I won't be hungry.  Blah.  

I've also decided that I'm not waiting until October 20, when I see the neurologist, to run.  Screw that.  I'll wait a week or two more and then I'm going for it.  

I guess I should get my stupid salad ready.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Going small

I emailed Charro and told her that I can't do this whole shake/lunch thing tomorrow.  She said I can bring in a small shake instead of a medium.  This is still going to suck a big ass...mine...which is getting bigger because I can't run or play field hockey.

It is KILLING me to not be able to play field hockey right now.  I thought about just going and playing anyway and not giving a crap about my head, but I think I'm smarter than that, at least this weekend.  I can't guarantee that I won't go in a week or two and play.  I guess I should try running first.  This just really sucks. I hate not playing.  I love it so much and this is the perfect weather to play in.  I just realized that I can't go next week, but I'm so going the week after, I don't care.  I don't have to play full out.

Okay, back to lunch tomorrow.  I'm going to go pick up a salad later, which I will bring for lunch tomorrow. I'm sure that won't go over well, but I don't really give a crap.  It will have nuts and cheese in it.  She wants me to add avocado, but that's not happening.  My friend might have a dinner party tomorrow night.  I hope that doesn't happen because then I'll have to eat more food.

Tomorrow should be an interesting sesh.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

Stupid shake

So, do I email Charro and let her know that I'm not bringing a medium milkshake, and possible a not bringing a milkshake at all in on Monday, or do I just show up with a small or fruit smoothie instead?  Hmm, tough one.  I think she said, yesterday, something like "If you can't do this, we have problems."  Well, Houston, I guess we have a problem.  Those were not her exact words, but that was about what she said.d

I need to go teach class.  More like, I need to go workout for 9 hours, that would be better.

Friday, September 05, 2014

Rethinking the milkshake

So I was doing some research on the McDonald's milkshake, and there's no way that I'm getting a medium, like Charro says.  I don't even want a small one.  Maybe I'll switch things up and get a fruit smoothie instead.  It has few calories.  The stupid medium milkshake has 700 calories, which is way too much, especially if I'm eating lunch with it too.  Well, let's face it, I probably won't eat dinner that night, which defeats the purpose of all of this, but I don't care.  A small milkshake has almost 600 calories.  I'm so NOT okay with this at all.  The smoothies have half that amount. 

I've decided I'm going to bring a salad for lunch.  I'll get one on Sunday and have it for dinner an then have the rest of it for lunch on Monday.  My thinking behind the salad is kind of disordered, but I don't care right now.  Hopefully my salad plan works.

My stomach is like that of a 9 month along pregnant woman.  I want to throw!  I hate this.  I really just want to run and play field hockey.  I don't know if waiting until October 20th is really going to happen.

Milkshake Monday

I feared WIF today.  I was confident that I'd pass until I started on my journey to her office, but then I got really nervous that I wasn't going to make it.  (I passed Joan River's building and saw all the media there).  When I got to Charro she asked when I wanted to be weighed, I said that I wanted to talk first.  We chatted about the whole email situation with the lady I was away with.  I guess I should start referring to her as my friend.  Then I said, "I don't want to do this.  Let's just do it."  Hopped on the scale and I barely passed.  She said I was "hovering" and I need to be up by Monday, and then she realized that she can't weigh me on Monday so I have to be up by then.

Speaking of Monday...I get to drink a medium McDonald's milkshake and eat lunch during my sesh.  Awesome.  It went from a milkshake to a milkshake and lunch.  I'm not really into that at all.  Seriously, how am I supposed to consume that much food?  Eh, I'm not into it.  Of course she'll yell at me for walking there too, but whatever. This won't be fun.  At least it's a McDonald's milkshake, which is less fattening and caloric than any other milkshakes around.  It still sucks big time.  It was fine until she added lunch in there.

I need to research stand up paddle boarding places near me, and some other stuff.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

She finally emailed me back

Let's see, I'm back in NYC.  The weather is great and I wish I was floating in my pool.  I talked to the woman I went on the trip with about the email situation.  She had texted me Tuesday night asking me to email her a recipe, so I asked her if she had gotten my email.  She said she hadn't checked email in over a week.  I saw her Wednesday morning at tennis and she said nothing to me about the email.  She forgot her book at my house so I dropped it off to her yesterday afternoon, at her office.  It worked out that she was on a break when I went by so I talked to her for a few minutes.  She said she had looked for my email but couldn't find it.  I resent it when I got home and she responded to it pretty quickly.  It was such a sweet email.  She said she picked up on my ED right away, but that she also picked up on what a wonderful person I am.  (She used a bunch of different adjectives but I'll keep those to myself.  All were lovely).  She said that I could talk to her about what I'm working on if I'd like, because she would be more than happy to listen.  She also said, "If you don't want to, that's fine too."  So, it was very nice.  I ended up sort of having breakfast with her this morning too, because she left her ipad at my house too.  Ha.  So, she offered to buy me breakfast, via text last night, and I said, "How about tea?"  She ate and I had tea.  I did tell her that I did eat breakfast.  She was like, "For the record?" and I said yes.

So I responded more in depth to her after receiving her email last night.  I told her that I would answer any questions she had for me.  I did mention that I might get fired from Charro, but didn't say why.  The first thing out of my friend's mouth this morning, after we sat down was, "Can I ask you why you think your therapist is going to fire you?"  I told her it was because of my weight and that I need to weigh a certain amount, etc.  We discussed that a little.  It's kind of nice to talk about this stuff with someone who is not my therapist.  She's cool.

So, that's that.  Charro tomorrow.  Hopefully I won't get fired.  I'll be posting after.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

That's it, I'm done eating.  No need to do it any more.  I feel disgustingly huge and there is so much food in my house that needs to be eaten.  I had a dinner party tonight and I was prepping things and the ladies kept telling me that I needed to sit down and eat.  One even said, I'm not eating anymore until you sit down and eat.  

The woman who I emailed about my ED was here and she never said a word about my email, not that I expected to her to bring it up in front of others, but still, I don't think I'll ever hear from her about it.  Not cool.  I just texted her and asked her if she got my email, because we were texting.  I'm not sure where we are now.  I'll know  more tomorrow.

I just really want to run 1000 miles right now.  I never want to eat again.

Monday, September 01, 2014

I'd be okay with that

I'm really done eating.  I'm sick of it, I'm over it, I wouldn't have minded if I accidentally threw up tonight.  I would have been okay with that.  Haven't had that feeling in a while.  I didn't eat a crazy amount, but I ate more than I like to eat and I can't go run it off tomorrow, which really sucks.  I live on the elliptical these days because I have not been cleared to run.  God I hope I can get into see the neurologist sooner than 7 weeks from now.  Ugh.  My head still isn't right, so I can't run, but still, my doctor said I can't run until I see the neurologist.  This blows.  I want to be able to play field hockey and run.  My doctor says I can't play hockey for a while.  Ugh.

Charro wants me to do a phone sesh on Wednesday but I don't think I'll do it.  We'll see what happens.  I don't need to.

I hope I sleep tonight.  I woke up at 5 this morning.  Not cool.

Sunday, August 31, 2014


I'm feeling fat tonight, and I'm sick of eating.  I went to my university today to watch the field hockey game and saw a bunch of staff who I haven't seen in a few years.  It was great to see everyone.  One of the men told me that I need to put some meat on my bones.  Oh well.  I didn't get to see my former coach because they lost and I didn't want to stick around to talk to her because she's pretty moody.  Plus, there was a crazy storm about to hit.  It started raining right after the game.

Picnic tomorrow.  Too much food.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Missed that sentence

I didn't hear Charro today when she said, "If you don't get there, we'll really have to suspend."  She was referring to my weight and how I have to gain weight by Friday or she will really have to stop seeing me.  Hmm, How am I going to make that happen???

I made it

I didn't think I was going to pass, but I passed WIF.  Well, I was a half a pound short, but she let it slide.  She must feel as though I'm trying and doesn't want to give up on me, I don't know.  She made me take my sweatshirt and hat off, which was not cool, especially since I had both of them on last Friday when she weighed me.  Eh, it's all good, I didn't get fired.

I was going to see her on Wednesday because I'm not seeing her on Monday because of the holiday, but I've decided that I don't want to come back to NYC just for my appointment with her, so I'm not going to see her until Friday.  She said that she was going to weigh me on Wednesday and I said, "Kruger has a scale?"  She said, "No, but I'll bring one."  That's when I informed her that I wouldn't be going on Wed.  First of all, she's going to carry a scale with her around the city?  Weird.  She said that if I got up to the weight by Wednesday than I could continue to see her.  Clearly that rule now applies to Friday since I won't see her on Wednesday.  She asked me if I wanted to do a phone sesh on Wednesday, but I haven't decided.  She thinks it would be a good idea to "continue in our pattern," but I don't really feel like paying for it.  We'll see.

She agrees that it's "not cool" that I haven't heard back from the lady (therapist) I went on vacation with.  I'm going to see this woman on Tuesday and it's going to be awkward.

I need to eat lunch but I don't know what to have.  Ugh.  I hate food.

Thursday, August 28, 2014


I'm pretty convinced that tomorrow will be my last day with Charro for a while.  I'm pretty sure my weight will not be where she wants it to be.  She has confidence in me, but I do not.  I'm mentally preparing myself. I'm sure I'll be quite melancholy after she fires me.  It will be sad.  :(  It's going to suck.  I'll weigh myself at the gym tonight to see what the situation is like.

I'm pretty annoyed that I have not received an email from the woman I was away with.  I mean, come on lady!  She responded to a group email that I sent but she can't respond to an important email?  I'm not okay with this.  She's losing respect in my book.

I don't feel like teaching class tonight.  It sucks that I can't jump around and do stuff.  Stupid head that I have. :( 

I want a foot message.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Soon to be without

I don't have a good feeling about WIF.  I seem to have lost weight since last week, which is a problem since I was supposed to gain weight by Friday.  I just sent Charro an email telling her that I don't have a good feeling about Friday.  Oh well, I guess we'll see what happens.

I went to my doctor yesterday.  I love my doctor.  She referred me to a neurologist and told me not to run until I see him.  She thought I'd be able to get in to see him in a few weeks but I don't have an appointment until the end of October.  They have put me on the cancellation list though.

My head has been bothering me the past few days, ever since trying to run on Sunday.  I can't focus on things too much.  I notice it when I'm driving and looking at the computer.  

Oh ya, so my doctor is cool.  She read the blog I was writing while on vacation.  We discussed our stays in Wyoming, because she had been there a few months earlier.  I know exactly where she stayed in town.  So cool.  We had a lot to talk about.  I told her I felt bad coming in and felt like a problem patient.  She said, "Nah, you have a thin file."  That's good.  I wonder if she saw my weight and noticed that I've lost a pound or two since I last saw her.  I'm guessing that she didn't.  I was glad I got in to see her because she's having a baby any day.

So, I may be without therapist come Friday.  I guess I'll save some money.  We'll see what happens.

Monday, August 25, 2014

The milkshake

I saw Charro today and she asked me how my eating has been, and if I have been eating more.  I have been eating more, but ironically, I just weighed myself and I weigh less.  Figure that one out.  If my scale is correct, I've lost 2 pounds since last week.  It really makes no sense, especially since I've been eating more.  There is no way that Charro won't fire me on Friday.  I'm screwed.  Today she was like, "this isn't a one time deal, you need to stay at this weight.  So, if you're loading, or whatever, it's not going to work."  I said, "I figured this wasn't just a one time deal, you'd weigh me and we'd be done with it."  She said, "Good."  Well, regardless, I think I'm screwed on Friday. 

I will hopefully be going to see my doctor tomorrow about my head, if she doesn't go into labor.  I have to call in the morning.  If I go, I'll get weighed there and I'll have a better idea as to whether my scale is correct.

So in two Mondays, since I won't see Charro next Monday because it's Labor Day, I have to bring a McDonald's milkshake to my sesh and drink it.  I said, "You won't remember."  I shouldn't have said that because she then put a reminder in her phone about it.  Oh well.  I said, "If I get fired, I won't get to drink a milkshake in here."  She said that she believes in me and that I will be okay on Friday.  Well, I disagree.  It will be an interesting, and possible stressful Friday morning.

I really hope my doctor doesn't have her baby in the next few days so I can see her tomorrow.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

I want to go away

I'm not happy being here.  I want to be back in Wyoming, or maybe anywhere, like the beach.  Right now I'm just really missing Wyoming, but I think just being away is good for me.  I don't think about much when I'm away.  I don't have to worry about anything.  I get back and I do.  I mean, not like worry, worry, but there's stuff I have to be responsible for and I don't want to be.  I just need to win the lotto, that would be very helpful.

I know Charro's going to ask me if I'm eating more, when I see her on Monday.  Today, maybe I did a little, but it wasn't really intentional.  I have no plans on doing so.  I'll eat when I'm hungry and if I'm not hungry, I will not eat.

I haven't heard back from the woman I was on the trip with.  I know she's away right now, but I'm wondering if she'll remember to email me when she gets back.  I'm really curious as to what she will say to me in response to me asking her if she picked up on my "issue."  I am anxiously awaiting a response.

Friday, August 22, 2014

1000? I think not

Alright, so WIF happened.  I weighed more than I expected too, which was a good thing.  I was 100 on her scale, surprisingly enough.  She said that I need to gain weight.  I thought she said I "need to gain eight."  I said, "WHAT?!"  So she said I need to gain three pounds by next Friday, then she changed it to two pounds, to make it easier for me.  She said if I don't gain the two pounds then we "need to take a break."  God, I have heard this one so many times before, it's not even funny.  She told me that I have to eat 800-1000 extra calories a day.  WHAT!!!??  NO flipping way that is going to happen, thank you very much. So, whatever...maybe I'll gain a pound, maybe I won't.  Maybe it will be cold next Friday and I can wear more clothes, maybe it won't.  I'll take care of it.  

So then I was like, "So if I don't gain the weight and you fire me (she hates that term), then I'll have to weigh myself to see if I've gained weight to know if I come back?"  She said yes.  So I was like, "So let me get this straight, we've been working on me not weighing myself all of this time (She chimes in with, "but you have been), and now you're telling me that I have to weigh myself if I get fired to know if I weigh enough to come back in.  Isn't that counter productive?"  She kept arguing that I have been weighing myself, which I didn't do until Monday when she said "I'm going to weigh you."  So, I still think it's a little counter productive because if/when I get "fired" I will have to weigh myself all the time to know if I weigh enough to go back.  I'll tell her on Monday that I'm going to have to buy a scale.  She'll love that one.  Ha.

I don't have much to do this weekend, which I am beyond thrilled about.  I have plans tonight and tomorrow during the day, and then that's it.  I have not been here in two weeks, so I have a lot of crap to get done.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

No WIF jeans allowed

Okay, so Charro has informed me that I am NOT allowed to wear my WIF jeans tomorrow.  I told her I was going to wear huge, baggy sweatshirts (yes, plural) for WIF.  As I was leaving her, actually Kruger's, office yesterday, I saw Kruger's business cards sitting on the table.  I said, "Should I take this for when you fire me next week?"  She said, "Yes."  She keeps claiming that she's not going to "fire" me, but she will.  I weigh a lot less than I'm "supposed" to.  She's going to be pissed when she weighs me tomorrow, unless I can magically gain 4 pounds by then...and then another 2 pounds by next Friday.  Let's see, that's not going to happen.

I told her that I don't care.  I said, whatever happens happens and that I'm not going to battle with her or argue with her about this anymore.  If she fires me, she fires me.  I told her I'm just not going to do this again and my weight shouldn't matter.  She doesn't like the fact that I "don't care."  It's just too exhausting to battle with her about this again.  I'm done with it.  Honestly, I don't think she wants to "fire" me.  She was like, "I'll work with you.  If you need me to tell you what snacks to eat, I will."  I told her that I wasn't going to gorge myself.  She's like "You're not going to gorge yourself."

In other news, I emailed the ED therapist that I was away with all last week.  I had to know if she picked up on anything.  Of course, after I sent the email I really wanted to take it back.  She has not responded yet, but I saw her yesterday and she said something to me about how she's been really busy and not on the computer much.  I responded with, "If you get any emails from me, you can just delete them."  She said she was not deleting anything so I told her to disregard them and she said, "I will respond, I just haven't had a chance yet."  So, she read it.  Ugh, now I'm just waiting for her response, which I have no idea when she will respond because she's going away today for like 5 days.  I know she can't write in the car because she gets car sick.  Maybe I won't hear from her.

So, this is my life right now.  WIF tomorrow.  It will suck, I don't care.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Ugh, concrete jungle

It's sad to be back in NYC.  I just got back.  I want horses, not taxis.  I have to see Charro this afternoon and I don't feel like going.  I'll wear my cowboy hat, because I can.  I have nothing to really talk about because we don't need to discuss my weight.  I'll get fired next Friday.  She said she's going to weigh me this Friday too.  Awesome.  I am tired and just want to take a nap.  My cat has adjusted in the 15 minutes we've been back.  He's happy.  I have a bunch of crap I need to do.  I have cramps.  The end.

Monday, August 18, 2014

My welcome back

I'm back...and it stinks.  I want to be back out in the wild west.  It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!  I really just can't stop saying that.  It was the trip of a lifetime.  

So my nice welcome back from Charro is that she's going to start weighing me again and I have to weigh 103 or she won't see me.  I was like, really!  I said to her, "We've been down this road many times before and it's gotten us no where."  So, I was mad for a little bit but now I sort of have the "I don't care" attitude.  I'm not going to gain that weight by next Friday.  I have no plans to gain that weight by next Friday.  So, next Friday will probably be my last sesh with her for a while.  I'll save some money.  I don't think I really care right now if she fires me.  Eh, we'll see how I feel about it later on, but that's how I feel right now.  

I should have lied to her when she asked me what I weighed at the doctor.  If I had lied, we wouldn't be in this predicament.  So annoying.  I'm so over this weighing business.

My doctor wanted me to call her today, so I'm waiting for a call back.  I have a feeling I won't get one.  They actually called me with test results and I told the secretary that the doctor wanted me to call and check in about my head, but I have a feeling she didn't pass the message along that I need to talk to her.  That's also annoying.

I need to go back to Wyoming where I don't have to deal with stuff.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Too Much Fun

Having too much fun to write...see ya in a few days.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Uncomfortable dinner talk

I'm having a blast on my trip.  I did go for a run this morning and was okay.  Saw some beautiful views of the Grand Tetons as well.  I'm guessing that the ED therapist on this trip might be aware of something, but who knows.  There was the most uncomfortable discussion at dinner tonight though.  Four of us were talking and one of the girls was talking about how she was seeing a therapist and how she thinks everyone should.  She joked that I should see one, of course I never fessed up to seeing one, and then they were trying to convince me to go see one.  I'm sure I got all flushed and flustered because I got really hot and had to take my long sleeves off.  Awkward.

I am so dead tired, I'm heading to bed.