Monday, September 30, 2013

So, no study?

It was nice to see Charro today.  I told her that I wanted to do this ED study at a nearby hospital and that I'd qualify because one of the requirements is having a BMI greater than 18.5.  I said that I could do it because you have to be "recovered" and have a BMI over 18.5.   She said, "So you're going to lie?"  I said, "Well, my BMI is over 18.5. Um, okay, I guess I'm not recovered."  I was like "It pays 800 dollars!"

I wonder if she's going to weigh me on Friday or if she's totally given up on that.  I should just ask her but I don't want to bring it up because then she might do it.  I don't want her to weigh me.  I weighed myself tonight when I got home and I was happy with the number.  I just wonder if my scale is correct.  I think it seems to be.  It was on the lower side of things, meaning, that's usually what I weigh first thing in the morning and I weighed it this afternoon.  Granted, lunch was sort of not great, not on purpose, but I had a nice dinner.

I'm tired and can't wait to go to bed early.  My friend left today and I'm home at my parents for the night, so I'll sleep well.  I miss my kitty though. :(  

I'm going to go hang out with my rents.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Bouncing love handles

My cat is standing by the litter box, howling.  I don't know what's up with that. 

The other day I was riding the bus and my love handles were bouncing.  I wanted to die.  I felt them. 

My friend leaves tomorrow so I will have more time and more time to work out.  I need to get on that.  Today I taught class and played field hockey, which was good.  My hamstring is still bothering me a little so I don't think I'm running correctly.  I'm still just as fast, just feel like I'm running funny.

I sort of had a little dinner but not really.  I'll probably be hungry, but whatever.  I weighed myself at the gym today and it was okay.  I'll know more when I weigh myself on Bertha tomorrow.  I probably won't like it. 

I see Charro tomorrow, which will be good. 

Ok, now my cat is running around and howling.  I don't know what's up with him.  He pooped and is not running around like a crazy cat.

I've got nothing more to say.

Friday, September 27, 2013

I'm so slow

I went for my run this morning.  It really sucks how slow I've gotten.  I mapped it out and timed it and stuff and my mile time is so slow.  I run faster on the treadmill, but that doesn't count, there are no hills and stuff.  Maybe this winter I should work on my running more, even though it will be on the treadmill and boring.  It was much easier to run when I was completely obsessed with burning a certain number of calories, now it's much harder.  I'm still obsessed, but not as much as I was.  While it sucked being that obsessed, part of me misses it.

It's getting a little cloudy, which means it's a little chilly too.  I should put a sweatshirt on. 

My friend/house guest leaves on Monday. :)  My apartment will feel so huge when she leaves.  It's nice having her here but I miss my space.  I also could have done a phone sesh with Charro this morning, if I was alone.  Oh well, no big deal. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Got Gold

My friend just went out for a bit, so what am I doing?  I'm watching Tracey Gold anorexia stuff.  Hmm, not really what I set out to do, but now I'm sucked in.  I've seen all of this stuff.  It started out with my friend and I watching some "Growing Pains" stuff, and then I ended up here...watching stuff I've seen dozens of times before.  I love watching this stuff, I know that's probably messed up, Charro would think so.  I don't know why I find it so appealing.  Maybe I want to get sucked in.  Maybe I'm jealous of her ability to be good at being anorexic.  Maybe I'm mad at myself because I eat more now and allow myself more things than I use to and work out less.  I don't know what it is, but it is so tempting to just get sucked back in.  I feel like I could accomplish something, or something, I don't really know.  There's some sort of high I get from watching this stuff.  I don't know why I enjoy it so much.  In this part of the story they say that Tracey was 93 pounds...and that sounds good to me.  She doesn't look bad.

I don't know what my deal is.  I will be going for a run in the morning.  I know that when I wake up, I will not want to run.  Right now I am more than ready to go.  I have to wake up and have that desire and go, go, go.  I definitely have to go, no doubt about it.  I need to like running more.  I wish I liked running more, it would make doing it so much easier.

My hip is tight.  I need to roll of my foam roller.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Clean, a little

Ahh, I have my apartment to myself and I am loving every minute of it.  I cleaned...the areas that I could clean that weren't covered up by my friend's stuff.  I'm listening to my sesh with Charro from Monday.  I won't see her on Friday because she's out of the office.  She said that she could do a phone sesh, but that's too much of a hassle with my friend staying here.  I don't want to go find a spot on the street where I can talk to her.  I am going to do a Skype sesh with her in a few weeks though.  That should be interesting.  She won't be in the office again, but she can do a sesh.

I didn't work out today and I feel pretty guilty about it.  I just didn't feel like and I should have gone.  I really should have but I didn't so now I will work out on Friday morning, when I usually have my sesh.  I guess I'm kind of choosing working out over the hassle of a phone sesh with Charro.

I'm going to make spring rolls for dinner.  I have to remember to buy carrots and spinach on my way home later.

Monday, September 23, 2013


I brought up Kelly Ripa in my sesh with Charro today.  She said that I have a totally different body than Kelly.  I said, "Who knows if I do or not?"  Charro goes,  "Have you seen Kelly Ripa when she's healthy?  She a voluptuous lady."  I said, "So am I."  Charro laughed and said, "I'm sorry, that's just not the case.  (Laughing)  We just have to call a spade a spade sometimes, right."  It was pretty funny.

Charro said I could live the orthorexic lifestyle and I said, "At least I'm not living the anorexic lifestyle."  She goes, "The line is blurred."  That's when I said, "I don't look like Kelly Ripa."

I'm tired.  I have to get changed and leave in 20 minutes.  I guess that means I should get up.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Monday walk

My friend will be walking with my to Charro tomorrow.  She doesn't really know where I'm going, but she has to remember that I go to the same spot every Monday at the same time.  She did make reference to a doctor's appointment.

I need to go to sleep.  I have a busy day tomorrow.  Mondays are always pretty crazy for me so I need to brush my teeth and go to bed.

This was a thrilling post.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Leg fatigue

My legs are in a constant state of fatigue.  It's probably because I walk like 20 miles a week and stand for a few hours at practice and work out.  My feet hurt a lot today so I will massage them. 

I'm kind of hungry but I'm going to a dinner tonight.  We're making our own pasta.  I feel like I've been eating nothing but carbs for the past week and that's not okay.  I still feel fat.  Charro keeps telling me that I have to "challenge those thoughts," but how can I challenge something that is so real?  I don't think it's possible.

Charro emailed me to tell me that she won't be there on Friday and asked if I wanted to do a double on Monday.  I told her I'd love to but my insurance won't cover it.  Doozy.  She hasn't responded.

The end.

Thursday, September 19, 2013


I'm really sick of looking and feeling so fat.  I am a broken record, but I can't take it.  I am now being that person who complains about their weight but doesn't do anything to change it.  I should work out more and eat less.  I guess the "healthy" part of me knows that I shouldn't do that.  I just hate being fat and gross.  I sound like a broken record when I talk to Charro about it too.  Ugh, no WIF tomorrow, please!!

My body is tired and I am sleepy.  I want to get rid of my fat rolls.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Say it isn't soy

I have my place to myself tonight.  My friend is out so I'm here, doing laundry and relaxing.  I haven't had dinner and I don't necessarily want dinner.  Last night, I discovered that I think I am allergic to soy products.  I had tofu and then felt nauseous and a huge growth developed on my forehead.  I watched it grow, no joke.  My friend and I decided that it was definitely not a zit.  I put some cortizone cream on it and when I woke up, the swelling was mostly gone.  Ew.

So I'm kind of hungry but don't feel like cooking.  I'll eat lunch out tomorrow so I can just make up for not eating tonight then.  I think it all balances itself out.  I'll have something tonight, just not cooking, that's for sure.  I was going to make soy tacos, but that was before last night happened.

I feel fat.  I swear I am getting fatter because I can see it.  I hate it. 

I need to put my clothes in the dryer.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Bikini Monday wrap-up

Bikini top Monday happened yesterday.  I can't believe I sat in jeans and a bikini top in front of Charro.  It took me forever to get up the courage to take my shirt off.  It just felt so weird to do that.  I was like, "I'm going to go hide behind this thing and take it off.  I felt so exposed.  It was weird.  What if she thought that I was going to have these amazing 6-pack abs and now she knows that I don't.  By the end it wasn't so bad, but the beginning was awful.  Still, I can't believe she saw my body.  Yuck.

I'll have stuff to talk about on Friday with Charro, about yesterday.  I'll tell her about the abs thing that I mentioned above.  She wants to do more food exposure stuff too.  Hmm, we'll see if she remembers about that because she tends to forget.

I hope Charro doesn't decide to weigh me this Friday.  I hate WIF.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Bikini top Monday

Tomorrow I will be exposing myself, more so than I did when I flashed her, in front of Charro.  I still can't believe I agreed to wear a bikini top during my sesh.  I might vomit.  I worked on my tan today, in hopes that it would make me look thinner.  She said that I don't have to do it, but I told her that I said I would and when I say I'll do something, I do it.  I don't back out.

This freaking knot in my leg feels like it's growing in size.  I've been massaging it and rolling on my foam roller non stop.  It kills me.  I need to get my rolling pin out of my cabinet and use that.

I thought about this yesterday, if I was put into a hospital, I would totally freak out by the amount of food I had to eat and the inability to work out.  Does that mean I have an eating disorder?

Okay, time to roll.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Need a flat stomach

I saw an ED therapist on the street the other day.  I've seen her a few times before.  How do I know she's an ED therapist, you might ask?  Well, she was on one of the therapists on an ED show.  I've emailed back and forth with her about being in her group, but I just can't make it work and I don't think I would want to go to a group anyway.

I ate a salad today and it totally bothered my stomach.  I was at a friend's house so I didn't really care if it messed with my colitis.  It wasn't too bad though. 

I got to hold the most adorable kitten ever.  A little fluffy 4 week old kitty.  She was found when she was days old.  I wanted to steal her from my friend.  I cannot stress how cute she was.

My stomach feels huge from the salad.  I need to get it nice and flat for my stupid bikini sesh on Monday. 

I have a friend coming to stay with me for a few weeks this week.  Ugh, there goes the little space that I have. 

What if Charro thinks I'm huge?  Ugh, this isn't going to be pleasant. 

Charro told me where she moved to, which I thought was interesting.  Hmm. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

Knot leg

I have the biggest knot in my quad.  Of course Charro wanted to know if it was because I was "overexercising."  No, it's not, thank you very much.

So I think Charro might have stopped with WIFs for good.  I hesitate to say that, but she hasn't weighed me in 2 months, which is very, very surprising.  I'm totally fine with that, by the way.

Monday is bikini top day.  I told her that I was going to lay down so it was like I was laying out, but she said that I can't do that.  I have to sit up, which is so awesome because that's when all of my rolls will be out.  I asked her if I could point out all of my fat rolls and stuff and she said no.  She said that we won't discuss it at all, only my anxiety level.  Hmm, what's the point of this?  I need to show her all of the things that drive me crazy.  I'm sure I'm going to be incredibly nervous when I go in there on Monday.

I need to go roll on my foam roller and try and get this knot out and figure out what I'm going to eat for lunch.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Old sesh's

I was listening to old sesh's last night and this morning.  I have some from my time seeing Stephanie while Charro was on maternity leave, and it made me miss her.  Maybe I'll run into her again.  While I hated the constant food logs and discussion of what I ate and stuff, I do miss the way she worked with me.

I really can't believe I'm going to have to sit in front of Charro in a bikini top for 50 minutes.  That's going to be awesome.  Seriously, that's going to be awkward.  I'm going to make her look away when I take off my shirt, because that's just weird. 

I want to get a new scale.  I miss not having one.  I wonder if Charro will weigh my tomorrow.  I'm going to go with no, but as soon as I think she won't weigh me, she will, so maybe I should think that she will weigh me.  Hmm. 

I'm kind of hungry but there's nothing good here to eat.  I guess I could cook.  I'll probably end up having egg whites or something.  I'm not going to be able to eat dinner before class tonight because I have practice.  I'm going to be rushing around.  I don't even have any snacks I can take with me.  Hmm, not sure what I'm going to do about that.  Oh well, I'll just be hungry and eat when I get home.  Whatever.  I need to just have protein shakes for the next 5 days, maybe that will lean me out by bikini Monday.  I doubt it, but if it helps mentally, that's a good thing.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Weather and stuff

Our first game was canceled due to heat.  Can you believe that?  The heat index was 103.  I LOVE IT!!  It's going to cool off by 30 degrees by Saturday, that makes me sad.

I really, really hate having a fat stomach and I can't deal with it.  I feel like it's huge.  I need it to not be so huge when I sit nearly naked in my sesh on Monday.  Oh dear, I need to get tan too so at least I look thinner, or something.  I still can't believe I agreed to this. 

I'm cleaning my microwave with water and vinegar.  I can smell it cooking.  I saw this online so I hope it works.  Things are supposed to wipe right off after I cook it for 10 minutes.

Ugh, I just saw that two teens put a kitten in a microwave and turned it on.  The kitty survived.  HOW SICK do you have to be to do that???  That makes me sick!!!

I want to have a concave stomach. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Crazy Bertha

My scale at home has gone mad.  I don't know which number is right.  It keeps giving me a million different readings.  I stepped on and off it like 10 times today and kept getting different numbers.  This is not okay.  I have no idea how much I weigh.  This makes me want to get a new scale for my apartment, since Bertha is the only one I have right now and that's not at my apartment.

So I agreed to wear a bikini top at my sesh next Monday.  What the hell was I thinking??  I was telling Charro about my fat rolls and how I hate my stomach, blah blah, and how disgusted she'd be if I had to sit there with her seeing them.  Fast forward a bit and now I'm going to be wearing a bikini top.  Okay, that's going to be awkward.  I'm going to tell her that I need to lay down so it's like I'm laying out, so it seems less awkward...and makes me look a lot thinner.  She's going be to thinking how fat I am and how I don't need to be in there for an ED because I clearly eat.  Ugh.

Charro was funny yesterday.  Twice she thought she had a bug on her and freaked out.  Ha.  Once it was the string her skirt.  I just gave her a look and laughed.  I make fun of her sometimes, which it totally okay.

Something else happened yesterday during our sesh but I don't remember what it was.  Hmm.  I'm tired.  I need a new scale.  I need to have a concave stomach.  Oh, I just had lunch with my parents and I didn't even eat lunch, nor did they say anything to.  They both made their lunches and I sat here and no one asked what I was having, which is unusual.  My dad gave me his peppers because he doesn't like peppers, so I ate those. 

Oh, so I said to Charro (regarding the bathing suit), "What if I flash you?"  She said, "Well you already did so it's okay.  Remember?"  I said, "Do I remember?  I'm still traumatized from that. 

Sunday, September 08, 2013

It's sleepy time

I'm wiped and can't wait to go to bed, which is what I'm going to do after I listen to my sesh with Charro.  I had a full day.  Went to a street fair with friends, then to field hockey, then straight to babysitting and just got home and showered.  I'm going to need to dry my hair before I go to sleep, which is annoying.

I love playing field hockey.  Tomorrow I'm going to run to Charro's so I don't have to go to the gym in the morning. 

So my head still is weird, like it feels like I'm going to get a headache but I don't have one yet.  I'm going to take some Advil anyway so I don't wake up with one in the middle of the night or the morning.

Okay, I'm too tired to think.  So much for my list of stuff to talk to Charro about tomorrow.

Saturday, September 07, 2013

I should go back

I just put on jeans for the first time since, I don't know, June.  Ugh.  I feel huge.  I feel gross.  I feel like I never want to eat again.  I'm supposed to "challenge these thoughts."  Well, I'm not really one for challenging the thoughts, I'd rather just starve and get skinny.  I have a fat roll the size of a foam roller on my stomach and I look 19 months pregnant.  It's disgusting and I want to throw up.

I'm on my way out to a party and I'll eat dinner there, but I wish I wouldn't.  Back in the day I just wouldn't eat.  I think maybe that was a better route.  Oh my gosh, I seriously want to vomit seeing my stomach fat.  I can't deal.  I should go back to living on fire balls like I did when I was in high school.  Ugh.  I wasn't going to work out tomorrow morning because I'm playing hockey in the afternoon, but I might have to.  Charro won't be too thrilled when I run to our sesh on Monday.

Okay, it's so weird.  I just looked in the mirror and I thought that I looked skinny, which is odd given the way I feel.  I don't get it one bit.  Ugh, why is this so complicated?

Friday, September 06, 2013

No sightings

I made it out of Charro's office without seeing my former player, so that made it a good day.  There we also no WIF, which also made it a good day.  I have an hour sesh on Monday because she had to cut me short the other day.  That will be nice.  I want to bring the big guns, whatever those may be.  I'm going to think long and hard of stuff that I can talk about on Monday.  I want to be productive.

I feel like going running.  That's weird, I never feel like going running.  I'm off to practice in a few.  By the end of the day I will have walked 6 miles, which I guess is okay for my day off from the gym.  It's definitely not a work out, nor is it cardio.

I have to look for a receipt that I hope I didn't throw out.  I forgot and sat down and started doing this.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Here's one for ya

"I love feeling fat and huge.  It's really a great feeling," said no one ever!


Cab head

I've had a headache since yesterday and it won't go away.  I did remember that I got hit in the head by the trunk of a cab yesterday, but it didn't hurt when it happened so I don't think that was the cause of it.  I hope it goes away because I just took the last of my Ibuprofen.

I hope we don't have WIF tomorrow.  Charro hasn't weighed me since mid-July, which is nuts.  I can't believe she didn't weigh me at all in August, especially since she told me I had to weigh more the next time she weighed me.  Hopefully she won't weigh me tomorrow.  I hate WIF.  I liked WIF better when I knew it was coming.  I definitely don't like surprise WIF.

I need to make a dessert for my doorman because he watered my plants for me.  Well, I don't think he actually did water them because they were all dead when I got back and the containers were still filled with water and in the same spot where I left them.  Hmm.  I know he did come up here one day because he asked about my plants inside.  I think maybe he forgot the other day.

I'm hungry but I don't know what to eat.  I need to go grocery shopping and I don't know when that will happen.  Oh well.

I really miss having a scale.  I'm still obsessed with it and when I go home I weigh myself all the time.  Not having it isn't helping rid myself of the obsession, that's for sure.

I wonder if Charro will call me "sister" tomorrow.  That's funny.

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

I don't get guys

I don't understand guys, but I don't think any of us do.  I was dating this guy for 4 months and then he disappeared for about 6 weeks and now he's calling me all of the time and texting me.  WTF?  He apologized for what he had done, but I'm not getting it at all.  Whatever.

I had the worst headache when I got home from practice.  I took some Ibuprofen and closed my eyes for a few and now I'm getting ready to babysit.  I got the hiccups when I was eating.  I probably didn't have the largest of dinners. but whatever.

These people I'm babysitting for better be on time tonight.  They're weird, but they live in the building and it's an easy job, but they pissed me off last week when they asked me to babysit at a certain time and 90 minutes later I was still sitting here waiting to hear from them.  I texted her at 10 PM and said, "It's too late. I'm not coming."  We'll see what tonight brings.

I'm sick of wondering when and if Charro is going to weigh me.  I hate this game.  It's going to be chilly on Friday so I can wear a few more layers.  That will help me out.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

I had a phone sesh with Charro this morning, which I really didn't need to have and would have canceled but I feel like I shouldn't cancel on her so I didn't.  It's actually nice to talk things through with her though, so I guess it was a good thing I kept it.  I wanted to cancel it so I'd have more time at the gym. 

I need to put lotion on before I forgot.  Maybe I'll just use coconut oil since it is near by.

Ugh, my dad is eating cracker chips and he crunches so loud.  I can't stand it.  It drives me insane to hear people eating.  He eats so loudly, as does my nephew.

The sun FINALLY came out at 4:30 PM today.  Seriously, like I don't remember the last time it was out. 

I need to clean my classes because I can't see.

I was able to talk to Charro a little about my fear or being fired because of my weight.  It was much easier to do over the phone than it would be in person.  I don't bring it up on Fridays because that's where her scale is and I want to avoid mentioning anything involving weight out of fear that she'll weigh me.  She was glad we discussed it, although I think it needs to be discussed much further.

I just killed an ant.

Monday, September 02, 2013


I've been so bored today.  The weather stinks and I'm bored.  I cleaned my room and did a few other things, but I'm bored.  My mom's like "You can't sit still, can you?"  I made cookies yesterday.  Played some badminton tonight.  I didn't call any of my friends to hang out, which maybe I should have so I wouldn't have been so bored.  Oh well.  The sun better come out tomorrow.

Charro keeps calling me "sister."  She goes, "I need to stop calling you that."  I asked her if she called anyone else that and she said no.  Who knows.  I bring out the weird in her.  Ha.

Sunday, September 01, 2013

Taking pictures

I was laying out in the clouds today and I almost took a picture of my ham thighs for Charro because they were so utterly (appropriate word) disgusting and huge and just like a big blog splattered on the raft.  I decided not to take a picture just because I would be so mortified to show it to her.  I don't want her to see how disgusting my body is and what is underneath my clothes.  I was going to include my flabby stomach too.  The thought of her seeing that would make me want to throw and give me and eating disorder.  Good thing I didn't do it because I wouldn't want one of those.

My numb toe is getting worse.  I don't know what's up with it and I can't even tell which toe it is, which is so annoying.  This has been happening for a while.

We're going to eat dinner soon and I'm not really hungry because we've been snacking.  We have company over.  Of course the sun just came out at 5:30 PM.  I should have stayed in NYC, it was sunny there most of the day.

I guess I should go back downstairs.

Thirsty cat

I have numb toe.  I always get numb toe.  I think it's the one a broke a few years ago, but I can't really tell, it may be the one next to it.  Weird.

My cat woke me up this morning, which I was not pleased about.  It's thundering.  He's drinking out of the toilet.  He won't drink out of his water bowls, I guess he just likes toilet bowls.  He is so thirsty, I know he is, and he needs to drink because of his kidneys.

The weather totally sucks.  Seriously, I just want to lay out in the sun all weekend and that's not happening.

I love having a scale here.  I've weighed myself a bunch of times already.  At first, I liked the number, and now I don't.  I mean, it's not eating me up but I'd prefer it to be different.

I hope I don't seen "Mean Debbie" at the gym this morning.  I really dislike her.  I guess I can be really catty and say that I look better than she does.  :)  Hopefully someone fun will be there because it is the most boring place in the world.  I call it the "geriatric gym."

I need to paint my nails and maybe make chocolate chip cookies today.  Other than that, I have nothing going on.