Sunday, June 30, 2013

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Sad times

I came back to my apartment last night.  It was hard.  I walked in and only had one cat greeting me.  I didn't have those big green eyes staring at me from my bed, like she always did.  :(  Everything around here reminds me of her.  I have a clump of her fur that I took out of the brush.  This morning my little guy licked it.  I think he's a little sad too.  I can't really tell, but he seems a little sad. 

It was weird to only have one cat on my bed.  No little one sitting on my chest while I was going to sleep, like she did every night.  Every night she'd come lay on my chest and I would tell her how much I loved her and kiss her between her eyes, on her nose.  The same would happen as soon as she knew I was awake in the morning.  :(

I've lost weight.  I'm seeing Charro on Monday and Tuesday this week, since Friday the office won't be open.  I know she's going to weigh me on Tuesday.  She hasn't weighed me in a while and I'm sure she's concerned that I'm not eating with what is going on.  That's sort of true.  I'm hungry and I'll eat, but when I can't figure out what I want, I don't eat.  I was hungry last night when I got back to my apartment, but there wasn't anything here that I wanted so I just didn't eat.  Charro's not going to be happy.  Part of me is debating whether or not I just say, "Please don't weigh me today."  That will obviously tip her off to the fact that I've lost weight, but at least she won't know how much I've lost, although I'm sure she'd ask and then I'd have to lie, which wouldn't be good either.  Or, part of me just wants to sit there and hope she doesn't think about weighing me, but I bet that won't happen.

I have to teach aerobics this morning.  Not looking forward to that.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

She's gone

I made the decision to get on the train and bring my beautiful little girl home and to the vet.  My parents picked me up at the train station and we headed right to the doctor.  She was barely moving.  They did blood work and it wasn't good.  My vet, who I'm friends with, came back and said "It's not good."  I could have done a blood transfusion, but she was so weak and who knew if it would work and that would be thousands of dollars.  I knew what I had to do but I asked my vet what she would do.  She confirmed my thoughts.  My vet took her in the back to put the IV in her but couldn't find a vein.  She brought her back in a blanket for me to hold her and then told me that she was going to give her a shot instead, but first she had to take care of a dog.  I got to hold my little on a little longer until it was time for the shot.  I held her and kissed her the entire time, well after she took her last breath.  I have to stop writing now.

This doesn't seem good

I think my cat is dying.  She won't eat.  She is so weak.  I gave her 150ml of fluids this morning and that didn't help.  I gave her some Pepcid (vet said to) and that didn't help. I can't get her to eat treats.  I got her to eat a tiny bit of food, but not nearly enough.  She just lays here.  She can barely walk.  I cried for a while this morning and now I'm just staring at her.  Her brother is keeping his distance.  He knows something is wrong.  I might have to take her back home tomorrow, which I'd prefer not to do, but I might not have a choice.  She's going downhill fast and I don't want to take her to a vet here and stress her out.  I'd rather have her be with someone she knows, even though she'd still be stressed out.  I wish I didn't have to teach class later. 

I emailed Charro and told her that I think my cat is dying.  I'm surprised she didn't tell me to "make sure I eat" in her response.  That's the first thing she usually says.

I just can't leave my little squish.

And that, my friends, was my 3500 blog post.  There's gotta be some sort of meaning to that.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Cat stress

Ugh, it was a long couple of days.  My cat isn't doing great at the moment.  She's peeing blood and spend most of the day at the vet yesterday.  I picked her up and she was acting weird, still is.  She's not moving around at all, meowing a lot (maybe because she missed her brother) and just being weird.  She did eat though, which is good.

This morning was a disaster.  I tried to give her her antibiotic and that didn't over well.  I couldn't get it in her throat and she hid it for a few minutes making me believe that she did eat it.  Well, I realized she didn't, kept trying, stressed her out a lot, and she peed on the run under my mom's desk.   I felt AWFUL!!!!!!  She hid again and then it was time to pack her up to bring her back on the train.  She was fine on the train and now she's just plopped out on the floor again, not moving.  I did get her pill in her, by hiding it in a pill pocket treat.  8 more days of this.  Oh yeah, and I have to start giving her IV fluids too.  Poor kitty. :(  I just hope she stops peeing blood and feels better.  I hate this.

I hate being hungry.  I feel like I ate so much today.  I don't like having an appetite.

I can't wait to go to bed.  I'm wiped!!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Baking Soda

I informed Charro yesterday that I am no longer using deodorant because it doesn't work.  I said, "I know use baking soda."  She goes, "I've been using that for years."  Hmm, interesting.  She likes that it's chemical free.  Since I am new to this, I asked her how she applies it.  She said that she keeps it in a little container and puts it in her hand and then puts a little water in it and then rubs it in.  She's funny.  I'm doing it sans water and so far so good.

I know have to give my other cat IV fluids.  She spent the day at the vet today.  Now she is sitting on my lap and so happy to be with her momma.  She won't be thrilled to get on the train tomorrow.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The belt ban

Okay, a few things happened in my sesh today.  First I found out that Charro IS actually running.  She said she took a cold shower this morning and I (jokingly) said, "Yeah, after you came in from your run."  She said, "Yes, actually."  I said, "WAIT!!  WHAT!!  You actually went running?  You're running now?  You have running."  Well, now she likes it and that bothers me that she's running because now I feel like I need to run more.  I don't know what that competition situation is about, but it is there.  I think it's because she always talked about how she hates running and how running is so bad for you, and now she's doing it.  She says it's because it's the only alone time she gets, but still, the competitor in me is coming out and now I need to run, run, run.

Belts have been banned from our Friday sesh's.  Yep, that's more belts on Fridays or I'm going to have to "take them off."  She goes, "Don't think I haven't noticed that you wear a belt every Friday.  Clearly, that's the day you weigh me, so of course I'm going to try and make myself weigh more.

This Friday I have to wear "short shorts."  I don't really have what normal people would consider to be short, but what in my mind is short is normal length in others'.  So I have to wear them and we're going to do "exposure therapy" and I have to sit there and rate my anxiety level.  Well, isn't this just going to be a ball of fun.  She said, "I'd have you wear a bikini, but we have a dress code there."  Oh shucks!  I totally hate my "ham thighs" and that's why she's making me do this.  I always squirm and cover up my legs because I hate them so much.

So that's going to be a blast.  Fun fun.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Done with that

I ran! I saw a hawk while on my run!  I stretched!  I conquered.  Now I must make my cucumber/lemon/mint water and head up to the roof to work on my tan.  That's my day.  Tonight, clean my apartment and relax.  Oh, I guess I'm going to have to cook food at some point so I can eat lunch and dinner.  Really?  Is that really necessary?  Why don't I have a personal chef?  Oh, but I will not have to cook food tomorrow or Tuesday since I will be home.  Yay.  Then, of course, I'll have leftovers.

Holy crap...4th of July is next Thursday.  We haven't even had summer yet and it's almost over.

Running won't be so bad

I had a dream that I was hanging out with the people from Good Morning America.  I was hanging with George, Lara, and the weekend weather chick, Ginger, at the studio.  We were all sitting around at a table chatting and Ginger goes, "Do you eat anything but cereal or yogurt?"  Then Lara chimes in and says, "Yeah, what about having some pancakes or something."  Then Ginger started doing something weird with her sleeve, like pulling it over her hand and fidgeting.  She goes, "Yeah, you're always doing stuff like this."  It was weird.  They were clearly referring to my ed stuff.

I can go running today.  The thought of it doesn't make me want to cry today so I'm going to do it.  It won't be too bad.  Really, it's just an hour of my day, how bad can it really be?  It's nice out, I'll be out there moving and sweating, people's not so bad, right?  I'm totally trying to make it sound better than it is, but it will be over and done before I know it and then I'll spend the rest of my day on the roof.  Charro said that I "turned a corner" the other way and said that I "really faded".  I said, "I know!! I went in reverse.  I need to get my tan back."  I need to go back to the Caribbean!!

I guess I should eat my "sticks" so I can get out there and run.

So weird...I posted this and then 5 minutes later I see my twitter pic on GMA.  Ginger put it in her weather segment.  Bizarre.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Being talked about

I was walking into my building a little bit again and I was talking to my doorman.  This man comes by and goes, "Are you the girl from the roof?"  I was like, "When?  This morning?"  He said, "Yeah."  I said, "Well, I was up there until about 12:30.  Do you mean me?"  He said yes, but I'm not sure he really meant me.  He said, "We were talking about you."  Oh, interesting...Who was he talking about me to and what was he saying?  Interesting.  I don't care because I don't believe it was anything bad, but still, weird and interesting. 

I need to go to the roof to see the moon rise in 20 minutes.  I'm tired.  I was at a luau all day, which was fun. 

I emailed Charro to see if she had anything earlier on Monday, but she does not.  I have to bring one of my cats home with me because she is peeing blood.  I feel so bad for her.  I hope it's just a UTI and nothing worse.  I don't think I have to actually take her to the vet, but I do need to get her meds and since I won't be back here until Wednesday, I want to bring her with me so I can start giving them to her right away.

My armpits still smell.  This is not okay.  I burned them to death with alcohol, vinegar and baking soda last night.  I'm going to put some more vinegar in those babies.

I love that I have nothing that I have to do tomorrow.  That makes me happy.  I need to get my ass into the park and go for a run.  Not fun, but necessary.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Sunny First Day of summer

I feel like I had a good sesh with Charro this morning.  I didn't get weighed, thank God, because that would not have been good have my unintentional "cleanse" yesterday.  We talked about feelings and how I hate them and don't have them.  I bought some really bright orange shorts on the way home and they make me happy.  I gave her a brownie that I made. 

I'm waiting for my guy to get here.  I should help him find parking.  I don't know what we'll do, perhaps a bike ride.  It's a beautiful day.

I have an armpit issue.  My pits stink and I've tried so many different deodorants.  Are sprays better?  Help!  If anyone is reading this and has any ideas, please do share.

I'm sitting here in a skirt and a bikini top, perhaps I should get dressed.  Perhaps I will like my stomach at some point in time.  Occasionally I do...if I'm standing up really tall and I haven't eaten anything.  Let's face it, I'm going to be disordered for the rest of my life.

Okay, I should really get ready now.

My toe is numb...and has been for several days.  I think it's the one I broke.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


Cramps suck.  I probably post that about once a month. ;)  I feel like doody and have almost thrown up twice this morning.  Fun times.  The good news is that I've probably lost a little weight this morning, which won't be great if Charro decides to weigh me tomorrow. 

I get lucky in July, Charro will be gone two Fridays in a row and that means NO WIFs!  Yay!

I ate way too many strawberries yesterday, which hasn't helped me feel any better this morning.  My stomach is just churning in so many different ways.

Ew, it smells like soup and it's wafting in my window.  That is not going to help me feel any better.  Who wants to smell at that 8:30 in the morning, especially when you are about ready to puke? 

I need to buy some lemons to make lemonade.  Yum.  I'll drink it if I make it myself because I barely put any sugar in it.  I blend it with ice so it's nice and yummy, like a slushy.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

No Tape

For some reason my recorder only taped 2 minutes of my sesh yesterday, which is quite a doozy.  I was looking forward to listening to it to help refresh my memory of some stuff we walked about.  Oh well, let's hope I remember the home work assignment Charro gave me.  I think I do.

I was going to write some other stuff, but I don't remember what it was. 

I checked out my bloodwork and all is good.  I knew that already though.  I found a workout from 2008, I think it was then, and I weighed 5 pounds more than I do now.  I don't need to weigh that again.

I had a dream the other night that Charro weighed me and I weighed 108.  I freaked.  I told her and she said that it's because I have a fear of gaining weight.  Um, you think?  She said it would be GREAT if I weighed that.  Well, that is NOT going to happen...never...well, when I'm pregnant, but that's it.

Monday, June 17, 2013

The same ole lecture

I ran to Charro's and it was not fun.  Thank God for red lights and having to stop.  Why do I suck at running?  I need to be better at it.  I guess I just need to slow down my pace a bit.

I got the same ole lecture of, "You need to figure out what it is you want to work on in therapy.  While it's fun hanging out with you, it's not very ethical of me."  Um, I hate when I get that lecture.  I just want to work on what I work on.  Why do I need something specific?  I bet she WIFs me on Friday.  We talk about important stuff so I don't see what the problem is.  Yes, we do spend a lot of time talking about nothing, but that's 80 percent my fault.

Charro gave me some homework; I need to write down when I feel fat and what's going on with me, what triggered it.  She says "it's not random."  It sometimes is.  I don't know.

So her website is finally done.  I checked it out.  I would have thrown in some more commas into the paragraphs because to me they are run on sentences, but I'm not going to tell her that.  I did find one error, which I told her about.  It was just the location of something, she put the wrong street.

I guess that's all.  Not sure what I'll have for dinner.  Who needs it anyway!?

There's no crying with running

Yesterday, the thought of running made me want to cry.  Today, I'm going to run to my sesh with Charro.  It's different, I have a destination, I'm not just running to run.  Does that make sense?  I think it does.  If I have somewhere to get to and I'm going to walk there anyway, I might as well run.  So I'm going to run there, get all sweaty, meet up with my friend after the sesh, then walk back.  I'm supposed to meet up with another friend later on this afternoon.  Maybe I can get her to come out this way.

So, I get to skip the gym this morning, do some work and then run.   

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I hate running

I knew I didn't really like it, but I'm kind of starting to realize that I sort of hate running.  The thought of having to go running today makes me want to cry, like literally, and I don't cry.  I'm not going to go running, I'm going to go for a long bike ride with a friend.  It makes me sad that I hate running because it's what gives me the best workout and it leans out my legs.  I need to do it.  I'm supposed to go on a long run with another friend next Saturday, after teaching aerobics, unless she bags out on me, which she tends to do...she does have 4 kids though. 

There are bugs in my apartment.  I have my sliding glass door open and now I have 2 bugs flying around.  This is not okay. 

I'm going to have to talk to Charro about this running thing tomorrow.  I guess I don't really know why I will because I'm still going to run.  Somedays it is nice to do, especially when it's nice out and I don't want to be in the gym.  I don't run that much, like twice a week, and I need to do it because I play a running sport.  I also need to do it for my fitness purposes and body purposes.  Too bad I don't love it.aqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq';/.34e

(That was from my cat.  He felt the need to add his two cents).

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Just some hugeness

I'm sure Charro would be completely shocked if I went in on Monday and told her that I felt incredibly huge all over and I wanted to be smaller.  She'd probably be like "Again with this!  You need to change your thoughts."  How about this, I change my body by working out more and eating less, or just working out more.  I didn't really eat that much today, come to think of it.  I did eat a lot of yummy blueberries, which is a good thing.  I just want to feel and be thinner, that's all.

The weather today was beautiful, just beautiful.

I love how I went for a physical the other day (my bloodwork all came back normal, as expected), got my boobs felt and they were fine and now one of them hurts.  Really?  What's that about?  Couldn't it have hurt while I was there.  I probably have a little cyst or something, but seriously, fine 3 days ago, not fine today.  That's annoying.

Friday, June 14, 2013

WIF Free

There was no WIF today, probably because I was weighed twice on Wednesday and Charro knew that.  She asked what I weighed...I lied.  She trusts me and I lied.  That is why she didn't weigh me today because she trusts that I weigh what I told her I weighed at the doctor, which is not what I weighed at the doctor.  I feel badly about lying to her about my weight, but really, it was only by 2 pounds, which I get is not the point, but if I tell her what I really weigh, she will fire me. 

She asked if I told the doc that I have an ed.  I said, "No, it must have slipped my mind."  She was like, "It's your life.  Omission is a lie in this case."  I was like, "What would I even say to her?"  She goes, "Since I was a teenager, I've been struggling with anorexia.  It's gotten worse, it's gotten a little bit better, it's gotten worse, it's gotten a little bit better.  I'm still dealing with it.  I compulsively exercise.  This is what my weight has done, this is what I eat.  It's pretty straight forward.  I just want you to be aware that you not saying something is you wanting your eating disorder."

Charro always says to me, "If this is the way you want to live, that's fine, at least be honest."  Well, if I told her that she would fire me because I wouldn't be at the weight she wants me to be at so if I told her that I was fine with the way things are, she'd probably stop seeing me.

I have to go out with some friends and I don't feel like it because it's cold and gross out.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

He asked that

I was standing near my mom and my dad today and my dad goes, "How much do you weight?"  I said, "What?"  I heard him perfectly clear, but for some reason I thought the question might change if I said did not.  He goes, "How much do you weigh?  You had your physical yesterday."  I said, "100."  It sounded good and wasn't a lie, since that's what I weighed on the doctor's scale.  He said, "You've weighed that for a while."  I said, "Yep."  End of conversation.  Um, what was that about!!?

I have to teach aerobics tonight.  I have Charro tomorrow, wait until I tell her that story and wait until she WIFs me.  Yuck...WIF!  I guess I should get dressed.  I have to stop and pick up some pastries for my friend's birthday.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

4 Different scales

I had two doctor's appointments today, the GI and a physical.  GI is easy, he touches my stomach and that's about it.  The physical was easy too.  I really liked me doctor.  She was nice, seemed to have a sense of humor, and seems to know her stuff.  Anyway, we went through my medical history.  I did not tell her that I have an ED.  She did ask, after she was done taking my medical history, "Do you have anything else you want to talk about?"  I said, "Nope."  I'll tell Charro that I had a physical and she'll ask if I told the doc about my ED and I will tell her no.  I tell her that she can call her and tell her if she wants, which she won't, but I'll tell her that she can.

So I got weighed twice today, obviously.  I was the same on both scales, which was 100 pounds.  I didn't like that I was in triple digits.  That's just not cool at all.  I'm sure Charro will weigh me on Friday too.  That I need to be at least 103 for, good thing it's going to be cold and rainy so I can wear pants!  Of course she'll probably weigh me again next week too, when I'm wearing less clothes, if it's warmer that is.  Actually, I hope she weighs me this week, since I will be wearing more clothes and it will be easier for me to hit 103-104.  Why does she have to be so obsessed with my weight?  It's really annoying.

I was on 4 different scales today.  Mine, two doctor's scales, and "Bertha," the one at my house.  That's a record.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Cut the weighing crap

I so don't want to go running this morning, but I have to.  I have two doctors appointments tomorrow and I will get weighed at both.  I weigh more than I did last time I saw these doctors and that is not okay with me.  Maybe I will magically lose two pounds by tomorrow.  I did eat a lot of veggies and cherries yesterday, so that will be a good chunk of weight when that comes out.  Hopefully I'll make it through my run without dying, aka needing a bathroom. 

I'm going to get weighed a million times this week because I know that Charro is going to have WIF.  She'll want to "check in" after me being away.  I'm so sick of this weighing thing, just trust me.  Okay, I can kind of see how she doesn't since I was "supposed" to tell her if I dropped below a certain weight and I didn't, but come on.  I'm not going to intentionally gain weight and I'm most likely going to continue to manipulate or control my weight, so can we just cut the weighing crap?!

Crap, I guess I need to go running.

Monday, June 10, 2013

That's what happens

I had absolutely nothing to talk to Charro about today.  I knew that would be the case.  Sure, I talked to her about vacation and stuff, but that was it.  Whenever I go a week without seeing her, I have nothing to say.  The more I see her, the more I have to talk about, which is why I was going three times a week at one time.  I totally close up shop when I don't see her.  She just informed me that she's going to be away for 3 weeks in July, not the original two weeks.  She said she's going two different places, one of those places being Italy.  So, basically she's gone the whole month of July...well, not really.

I really want pizza!

Back to Charro

Back to Charro today.  I was planning on running there, but they just said it's going to start raining around 11, which is when I would have to leave, so I guess I should go to the gym in case it's a heavy rain and not just a drizzle.  I also don't want to be wet and freezing in her office, because her office gets pretty cold.

I don't really have anything to talk to her about.  That's kind of what happens when I go away and don't see her.  Oh well, maybe we'll come up with something.  I know she's going to weigh me on Friday because she's going to want to make sure that I didn't lose weight on vacation.  Oh please, as if. 

I guess I have to get dressed so I can go to the gym.  Yuck.  I want to be running barefoot on the beach.

Saturday, June 08, 2013

The sun will come out

Well, back to reality and teaching aerobics.  I need to give these girls a good workout, and myself one too.  I'll teach, walk two miles, and then walk 4 more miles later.  I think that could be good for the day.  I need to get my buns in gear and get them into the shape I want to be in.

Hopefully the sun will come out because yesterday was just miserable.  I was hoping there was going to be a street fair on my street today, but there is not.  I guess that means that it's next week, which is fine.  I love street fairs.

I need to go to the store and get food, but I don't know what food to get.  I hate having to cook.  I don't know what to make and I eat the same thing all of the time.  I'm going to go on a smoothie kick, I think.  I have a good on in Barbados.  I need to get some fruit, which I'll do on my way home from the gym. 

Nothing really exciting going on this weekend, which is fine with me.  I guess I should get dressed though.  Man, I miss the beach.

Friday, June 07, 2013

I miss the tropics

I'm back in cold, rainy New York.  I came home to what's going to be the remnants of a tropical storm.  Maybe it will bring some tropical air with it.

I'm going to hit the gym hard.  I need to get in gear.  I ran on the beach all but one day, not far runs, but whatever.  The day I didn't run, we snorkeled with the sea turtles and with fish.  That was a good workout, swimming around in the ocean for an hour.  I got blisters on my toes from the flippers.

I have so much laundry to do.  I have no milk for breakfast so I guess I'll have a yogurt.  I have to unpack, lose a pound, do some serious working out and give my kitties lots of love.  That's all.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Winding down

This is the last night of vacation and it is always sad.  I loved my time here.  I don't want to leave.  I'm so meant to live on a tropical island.

I feel and look about 9 months pregnant.  I need to remedy that as soon as I get home by working out a ton and eating less. 

I swam with sea turtles today.  One almost bit my hand off because I was brilliant enough to stick my hand near it's mouth.  Ha.

I will get a little beach time, and probably a run, in the morning before we leave.

Monday, June 03, 2013

Internet possibly working

The internet stinks here so I'll make this quick.  I've been enjoying my beach time.  Running in the morning, laying out all day, dinner at night.  I've been eating salads for lack of anything else on the menu that I would like.  All was fine with my colitis.  I should keep eating salads and go home thinner, if that would happen.

Two people commented on my "fit" body. 

The beach is okay, rocky, but still nice.  I don't really have anything else to report.

Sunday, June 02, 2013

On the Islands

I'm on the islands.  Internet is not great so I may not post much.  Need to eat breakfast and go for a long run.  Hope the beach is conducive to that.  I need to do some push ups too. 

Time to get tan and blonde.