Monday, December 30, 2013

I like phone sesh's

I am freezing.  I was just at my friend's house and it was 3 degrees in there.

I had a phone sesh with Charro today.  I think I talk more when we talk on the phone.  I think it's easier for me since we're not face to face.  I'll have to bring this up with her on Friday.

I tried, once again, to get her to do away with WIF.  I said, "I think we should stop having WIF."  She didn't agree with that one at all.  She asked if I has stepped on Bertha (my scale) and I said no but told her that I was going to weigh myself before I go to the doctor on Thursday.  I said, I can either tell you today or wait and tell you until Friday, but you're going to know I did it anyway, which is why I told you today.  She said, "well I'm glad that you are honest with me."  She clearly wishes that I wasn't going to weigh myself, but she also said that I did a good job not weighing myself for so long.

I'm heading out to dinner with a friend tonight.  I haven't seen her in a while, so that will be fun.  

I am DREADING the upcoming weather.  It is going to be below zero and I might die.

Sunday, December 29, 2013


I guess my parents, or at least my dad, worries that I don't eat.  We were in the car yesterday and he said, "Where do you want to eat tonight?"  I said, "No where."  He said, "When's the last time you ate?"  I said, "An hour ago."  He asked what I ate and I told him.  Seriously...that was annoying.  Just because he's not home when I eat, doesn't mean that I'm not eating.  We're not together 24-7 so he's not going to see everytime I eat.

I don't want to go to the gym.  My gym is SO boring.  It's all old people.  I call it the geriatric gym.  I have to run too, which sucks.  Running is boring.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Not hungry

I haven't been really hungry the past few days, which is not something that I will complain about.  I guess it makes up for me being so hungry last week.  I know Charro does not want me to weigh myself at all, but it will happen on Thursday morning before I see my doctor.  Oh well.  I shouldn't do it, but my mind is made up.  I don't really care what it means for me as for as getting better goes.  I must weigh myself.  I'm guessing that she will not weigh me on Friday though.

My ass hurts from sitting on the heating vent, which is where I'm about to go again right now because the heat just turned on.  I should eat lunch at some point, but I'm not hungry.  My parents are going to want to eat out tonight, probably at this Italian place, but I'm not feeling it at all.  I've had way too much Italian food this month.  

I kind of just want to lay on the couch, curled up in a warm blanket, and take a nap.  

Love being sore

I think my time at the gym today will be short.  I don't feel like going, plus I'm sore from a class I took yesterday.  I love being sore.  This class was kind of like a boot camp, I guess.  We did a ton of reps.  One of the stations was a push-up station, where we had to do 100 push-ups and if we need to take a break, we had to flip over and do a bench press with weights.  So, you're not really resting the muscles because you're still working them.  It feels good to be sore.

I'm tired and I'm not really sure why, but whatever.  I feel like I could go back to sleep right now.  I guess what I should really do is go upstairs and get dressed and go workout.  I have to drop my car off at the garage right next to the gym anyway.  

I saw mean Debbie twice on Christmas Eve.  I hate her.  I almost walked right into her going into the locker room in the morning and then I saw her at MY church at night.  Um, that's my church, you cannot go there!! I wonder if I'll see her at the gym this morning.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Driving Sesh

I had my phone sesh with Charro while I was driving today.  I don't think she could hear me very well.  I wonder what she does while I'm on the phone with her.  I bet she's multi-tasking.

I think she was surprised that I hadn't weighed myself yet.  I told her that I was going to weigh myself before I see my doctor on Thursday, of course she would love for me not to and would love it if I told them to weigh be blind.  Um, not going to happen.  Dead give away that some thing's up.  

She also talked about how when she runs her groups the people need to eat every thing on their plates.  She said that I need to do that and that a higher level of care would be good for that reason.  She also said that she doesn't think that I need a higher level of care.  I told her that I can't force myself to eat more and eat everything on my own.  Do I think that I would benefit from being somewhere where they forced me to eat everything?  Yes.  Would I do it?  No.

I'm freezing.  

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Merry day after

Christmas has come and gone.  I can't go cold turkey from Christmas music.  They need to wean me off of it.  Thank goodness for CDs and ipods and stuff.  

So yeah, I felt fat and full yesterday.  I wanted to weigh myself to see if I gained 400 pounds.  I still do want to weigh myself and I don't really think that I can go without weighing myself while I'm home.  Let's face if, if I don't weigh myself before Thursday, when I go to the doctor, I will weigh myself that morning.  I need to weigh myself before I go to the doctor because they'll weigh me there, but I'll have clothes on and it won't be accurate.  Plus, I need to see if I'm going to weigh a lot more than I did last time I went.  I don't want a shock factor.

I'm having a phone sesh with Charro tomorrow.  Today is a low key day, which is nice.  Actually, I don't really have much to do while I'm home for the next week, which is nice.  Tomorrow I have stuff in the morning and I also have to try and get in to see another doctor tomorrow, but that's it.

My parents and I are going to eat lunch in a few minutes, I guess.  Leftovers...lots of leftovers.  I think all of this eating will get to me soon and I will end up stepping on the scale.  Charro will not be so thrilled.

I miss Christmas.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve time

It's Christmas Eve and the temperature has dropped 30 degrees in the past 24 hours.  We might get a little snow tonight, which would be nice.

Charro has challenged me to not weigh myself at all while I'm home.  It's proving to be harder than I expected.  I really, really want to get on my scale.  I'm not sure I can do it.

I found out that a girl I went to high school with died.  She was a few years younger than I am and has two little girls.  They think she had a heart attack.  She had a heart condition and had a pace maker.  It makes me so sad to think about her family.  I knew her sister as well.  Those poor people and her poor little kids.

My agenda for the day...gym, office to deliver my treats, shower, church, sister's house for Christmas Eve.  Sleep!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

In shorts

It's December 22 and I am wearing shorts.  YAY!  It's going to get cold tomorrow so I'm soaking this up, even though it's cloudy and going to rain, I'll take the warmth.

So it's official, I'm going away in August with a bunch of people, one of whom is a therapist who works with ED people.  Awesome.  I wonder how that's going to work out.  I need to google her, actually.  I've met her a few times, but spending 7 days with 11 people and eating every meal with them will certainly be interesting.  I wonder if this lady is going to figure me out.  I'm going to have to work out every day, so she might know something is up.

I started taking ornaments off of my tree because I'm afraid they're going to fall off and break.  Sad.  I'm going home tomorrow and will be there for a while, unless I get bored and decide to come back.

I need to put socks on because my feet are cold.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Yay for no WIF

I'm actually afraid to turn on my Christmas tree out of fear that it will go up in flames.  Sad, sad day.  I'm only here with it for two more nights so hopefully it will be okay.  When I get back here, it's going to be really bad.  I kind of wonder if I should take some of the ornaments off of my tree so they don't fall and break while I'm going.  Maybe I'll just stick a blanket where the tree skirt isn't, in case they do fall, they won't break.  :(

Yesterday was a very busy day.  I got to Charro's and was a sweaty mess.  She did NOT weigh me, which surprised, me, but she also took me late and I left early, so maybe that had something to do with it.  I was well prepared, however.  I wore my WIF jeans, but only because I wanted to take them home to wash them.  True story.

Tonight I'm going to a show with a friend and her family.  That will be fun.  Ooh, the sky looks really pretty right now and I don't have my camera here.  Boo.

Thursday, December 19, 2013


My Christmas tree is a complete fire hazard.  It's dead.  The branches no longer bend, they just break right off.  

In other news, I just got electrocuted unplugging something.  Now sure what happened there.  It didn't feel great, that I know.

I have no idea how I'm going to dress tomorrow because I have to go to Charro's and then straight to the train station, but I have to look decent because I need to go see clients after and then I have to bring clothes for my work Christmas party.  I would like to avoid having to carry my huge boots, but I don't think that's possible.  I have to wear heavy clothes because I'm sure we'll have WIF and she will kill me and make me gain a million pounds, do food logs and get weighed every week if I don't show up with a few extra pounds on me.  

I want to go ice skating.  Random thought.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Short and boring

Well, I weigh about 7 pounds less than I "should," according to Charro's little chart...andd what she thinks I weigh right now too.  I don't know why, but I always tend to lose weight this time of year.  My guess is that she will most definitely weigh me on Friday.  I guess this might be why I thought I looked a little "sick" in a recent picture.  Oh well, Christmas and lots of food is coming my are freak outs, I'm sure.

It snowed yesterday.  My hip hurts today.  My cat is at my parents house so I'm lonely.

I had much more to write earlier in the day, but don't recall what it was.  So, the end.

Monday, December 16, 2013

More porn talk

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight.  People didn't leave my apartment until 1 AM.  That's way past my bedtime, but I guess that means they were having a good time. :)

Charro really, really wants me to get rid of my heart rate monitor.  I told her that I can't because I was shooting a porno.  (If you read a post or two back, that will make sense).  She laughed and said, "Porno" sounds weird, is that the right word?  I said yes and we continued to discuss it for a minute.  She said, "You must have been thinking, "What is C into?"  I said, "Hey, what you do in your free time is what you do in your free time."  She said, "I'm not into pornos."  Good to know.  Funny stuff.

I have a pretty good feeling that she's going to weigh me on Friday.  I can feel it coming.  There's been too much talk about weight loss and what I look like.  I will be geared up and ready.  I probably shouldn't wear my WIF jeans.  She would not love that.  Last time she weighed me in them anyway, but since I just wore them on Friday, she'd know I was up to no good.  Oh wait, she knows that anyway.

I have a bunch of stuff I have to do tonight and I just don't want to.  I guess I should.  I have to make a stupid phone call that I'm not looking forward to making.  I don't really feel like talking to this person.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

6 months pregnant

I literally looked like I was 6 months pregnant last night.  No joke.  No exaggeration.  It was not pretty and I don't know what the hell I ate to make me look like that.  I went out to dinner, but most of us didn't have dinner because it was a really expensive place, so I just had a little dessert.  Could that have done it?  I didn't feel great after that, and the looking 6 months pregnant thing...NOT good.  Ugh.

I'm having people over today for a party and that means I'm going to have to eat.  This wouldn't have been an issue if I didn't look like I was about to give birth last night.  I mean, I always eat, there will just be more foods, rich foods, that I usually don't eat and then I'll feel gross.  I definitely have to go to the gym this morning.  I didn't know if I would get there because I have a lot of stuff to do before people come over, but I must go, even if it's only for a 30 minute run.  I don't feel like running, but I need to.  I could hop on the elliptical, I guess, but running is better.  I'd have to stay on the elliptical longer.  I hope it's not too crowded.  I'm sure it will be.

I need to buy milk or I won't have breakfast tomorrow.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Charro's porn quote

It's been exactly one year since that horrific shooting in Newtown.  I think about those people every day, especially since I've met some of the parents who've lost their children, and some of the first responders.  I still can't imagine.  I thought more about it yesterday than today, just because it happened on a Friday and I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing.  It was such a sad day.

Totally off topic, but on topic of my blog, Charro cracks me up.  I went to a Christmas party the other night and I wore my ugly Christmas sweater and this light up wreathe I made to wear on my head.  People loved it.  I was out in public in a bar.  Charro loves that I wore that get up out in public.  She asked if I got asked out on a date.  I said no.  She goes, "I would have asked you out if I saw you in that get up."  She's funny.

So here's what Charro said when I said that I didn't wear my heart rate monitor this year while I was cutting down my Christmas tree.  "Think about how absolutely and completely ridiculous that is.  If you ever were questioning if you have some issues, please just imagine that.  There you are with your father, it's a beautiful ritual, beautiful tree farm, you've been doing it since you were a kid...Heart rate monitor!  It's like a bad B movie.  Sort of like, actually like porn, you know how they have those weird stories.  I could just see this girl taking her shirt off and having a heart monitor.  I just want to get that image into your head so you realized.  I wanted to really plant it in your head that that's not the way to go.  It speaks to dysfunction.  It's sad actually.  To me, it makes me sad.  There you are, having this great thing with your dad and there's this whole other thing going on with this eating disorder.  Poor your dad, if he only knew, right?"  HA!!  No, I don't know how they have those weird stories and I don't want to know why she does.  She said that she hasn't watched porn, but ya never know.

I think it's nap time.  It's snowing.  I've made two pounds of baked ziti for my party tomorrow, taught aerobics and cleaned.  I think it's nap time and then shower before I have to head out into the snow.  Fun.  I wish I didn't have to go out and could just plop on my couch all night long, but I have plans.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Porn talk

Charro pointed out that I was wearing my WIF jeans today.  She said, "I'm not going to WIF you because you're wearing your WIF jeans."  I said, "I didn't think you'd WIF me anyway because you just did."  She said, "It's convenient how you only wear them on Fridays."  I said, "I'll wear them on Monday too."  :)

We were talking about Christmas and how I cut down my tree at home.  I said, "Well this year I didn't wear my heart rate monitor."  She had a lot to say about that, and then added, "I should confiscate that thing.  Here you are having a nice ritual with your dad, cutting down the tree and you wear your heart rate monitor. It's like a weird porno.  You take off your shirt and there it is."  Well, needless to say I gave her the strangest look and thought to myself, has she watched a lot of porn in her life?  Later on she commented that she had never actually watched any pornos.  I said, "I was wondering about that, but there are some things that I just don't want to know about you."  She kills me.

I might bring her lunch on Monday, since I'll have a lot of leftovers from my Christmas party on Sunday.

I'm tired and have a ton of stuff to do before Sunday.  I've had too many late nights lately, fun nights, but late ones.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

That was sweet

I just got a really nice email from Stephanie.  I didn't get to see her today because she wasn't there when I was there.  I emailed her and told her I was bummed that I had missed her.  Her response "Yes, I was also sad that I didn't get to see you and say hello.  I'd love an update if you get a chance."  She went on with a few other things, but I thought that was really nice.  I guess she likes me.  I wish we could go get a cup of coffee or something.  She so won't do that though.  It's weird, I have a few other friends who aren't seeing their therapists anymore and they've gotten together outside of the office.  I have one, who is so eating disordered it's not even funny, who's T "fired" her within the past year and the two of them are getting together to go for a walk the day after Christmas.  What!!!  That's so not fair.  Charro would never do that.  By the way, walking is not something they should be doing because she has the worse exercise problem ever.

So part two of my study was fine.  I hate answering ED questions with the girl.  I said something to answer one of her questions, I don't remember what it was, but she was like, "That's a good thing."  It was some question that showed that my thoughts/actions have changed for the better.  She seemed to sort of actually care what I was saying ED wise, like she understood I guess.

I'm babysitting and tired.  I see Charro in the morning.  I wrote a Christmas song for our sesh tomorrow, which I will sing.  It's about this particular office.  I hate the location, especially right now because it's in the heart of Rockefeller Center.  Ugh,

So that's that.  I think I should be ready for WIF tomorrow, in case that happens.  I'll wear my WIF jeans.

Head testing today

Woah, I haven't posted in a few days.  I guess I've been busy.  I was out late last night so I have a nice, sexy voice this morning.  

Let's see, I don't look anorexic in the pictures from last night, like I did in the pictures from last Friday.

I'm going for part two of my neuropysch study today.  It's going to be a long walk there in these frigid temps.  Hopefully I'll see Stephanie.  It would be nice to get to talk to her for a few minutes.  It will probably just make me miss her, but that's okay.  I'm not going to be on top of my game because I didn't get enough sleep last night.  It's like 2 hrs of puzzle solving stuff.  Last time I saw Steph, when I ran into her on the subway, she looked thinner.  I wonder what she looks like now.  I hope I don't see any of my friends or anyone else I know when I go here because I know a lot of people who work at this hospital, in that building, one whom I was with last night.  That would be awesome if I ran into her...not!  

I'm having a Christmas party on Sunday.  I need to clean and cook and stuff.  I have all day Saturday and most of Sunday.  I also have most of the day tomorrow, so that's good.

Maybe I'll talk more about the picture situation with Charro tomorrow.  I wonder if she'll weigh me again.  Ugh.

Monday, December 09, 2013


So I decided to bring up the picture that was taken of me the other night with Charro today.  I wasn't going to bring up the actually date of the picture, but started by saying how I had recently seen a picture of myself and thought that I looked thin.  I told her how I was afraid that people would see it and think that I looked sick.  I then said, "Would you tell me what I look like if I show you the picture?"  She said, "I don't need to see a picture, I can tell you that you look thin."  So, with that said I showed her the picture.  She looked at it and said, "You look ghastly."  Okay, now the reaction I expected.  She then said, "Was that taken the other night?"  I said yes.  I hope she doesn't think that I'm underweight or that I've lost weight after that situation.  I might have just burned myself there, but it had to be done.

So we talked about that for a bit and how I don't want people to look at me and think that I have a problem.   She said that people know, but I disagree.  I forgot what else I was just going to write because I got side tracked.  I'll come back to this later.  I really want an apple but I don't have any.

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Hair cut in sesh

I might throw up.  I'm watching "My Strange Addiction," and the lady drinks her own pee.  EWWWWW!!! So gross.  I should change the channel.

I must start my baking today.  I was too dead and lazy yesterday and didn't do it.  

So Charro cut her hair during our sesh again on Friday.  I told her I wanted to video tape that, but she wouldn't have any of that.  She twists her hair up and then it gets knotted and she ends up cutting it.  This is the third time I've seen her do this.  The first time I was shocked.  She just grabbed the scissors and cut.  I was like, WHAT!!?  She's a nut.

I'm going to play field hockey in the snow today.  That should be interesting.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Busy bee

It's been a busy few days and now I have time to relax a little.  Wednesday I was running around the city with my parents and friends.  Then I had a work conference all day and night.  Yesterday was my birthday so was home and then came back to NYC and then went out.  Oh yeah, I also saw Charro.  She seemed to be pretty excited about my birthday.  I saw her late, at 5 PM, and she knew I was going out. She's like "What are you having for dinner?  Let's look online right now because you have to eat dinner."  So we got online and looked but came up with nothing.  I'm sure she'll ask me if I ate when I see her on Monday.  I did,  by the way.

We were taking pictures while out last night and I was a bit horrified when I saw one of myself.  I looked, well, like an anorexic person.  I don't know it was the angle or what, but my head looked huge compared to my body, and I do not have a big head at all.  So, I'm not sure about that.  I was thinking about showing Charro the picture to see what she thinks, but then I realized that if we both think I look too skinny and she thinks I weigh 103 pounds, she'd make me gain more weight, which I can't really do because I don't even weigh 103 to begin with.  There's no way I could fake more weight, so I don't think I'm going to show her the picture.  How would I explain that one?  I couldn't.

I wish I didn't have to go outside in 30 minutes.  Brr.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Oh Christmas Tree

I would really love it if I didn't have to work out today.  Too bad that's really not an option.  Well, I guess I could not work out but I'm not going to not work out.  My legs are tired.  My legs and hip flexors were just completely shot yesterday.  It was weird.  It was moreso my hip flexors than my legs, but still, it was weird.  The thought of having to get on the treadmill and run doesn't sound very good right now.  Ugh.

My sesh with Charro was fine.  Nothing too thrilling to report on about that.

I'm tired.  My Christmas tree is almost finished.  I just have to put a few more things up there and some tinsel.  It looks nice.

I told Charro that she's "a stick."  She said, "I have a normal body."  Well, she is a stick.  She has thin legs, no ass, skinny arms.  The only big thing on her body are her boobs.  That's it.

Sunday, December 01, 2013

The Sunday after Thanksgiving

I'm going to get my Christmas tree today.  Hopefully my friend who is taking me will get his ass out of bed soon so we can go and I can get back in time to play field hockey.

There was a really bad train derailment this morning.  It was not on the line that I take, but it was on a line that my friends and Charro take.  Four people were killed, 11 are in critical condition.  63 were injured.  Luckily it was an early Sunday morning so the train was not filled with commuters.  That's a good thing.  Scary stuff.  The train was just a few feet from going into the river.  Maybe 3 feet at the most.  Thank God it was a Sunday and not a weekday morning when everyone is commuting into the city.

Yes, we have enough people to play field hockey!!  Yay, I will get a work out after all.  I was afraid that I might not work out if we didn't play because I knew I wouldn't go to the gym.