Friday, November 29, 2013

Slight decline

Today started out good and then got progressively worse.  Nothing detrimental or anything but still.  My dad and I cut down our tree and then when my sister saw it when she got home, her boyfriend said that it was small.  I was like, "what?"  So I went out and measured it and he was right, it's only 8 feet tall.  I thought it was at least 10.  So, I am mad about that because I love our big tree and it needs to be perfect, and it's not. It's too short.  

Then I got sick of my relatives.  I was like, "I have to get out of this house."  I didn't think I'd want to come back here but I couldn't wait to.  I think my cat is happy to be back too.  I know he is.  My uncle brought his      dog, and even though she barely moves because she's really old, my cat didn't want to be around her.  Speaking of my cat...I got his blood results.  His kidneys are getting worse so I have to give him his fluids 2-3 times per week.  Two of his liver things were elevated too, which isn't good.  I need to bring him back for blood work in a few months.  Ugh.

Thanksgiving, take two

Thanksgiving is half over.  We're having part two in a few minutes.  I made it through yesterday without any issues.  I guess it helped that I had a good work out yesterday morning.  I was full, but I didn't eat too too much.  This morning I went to the gym, came home and had a really early lunch, (Charro would not have approved of my 10:45 AM lunch) then my dad and I went and chopped down our tree.  That was exhausting.  Sawing that thing was really hard and then dragging and 11 foot tree over 100 yards at a slight incline, also not that easy.  Yay.  Good workouts for the day.  My hip is a little tight, but whatever.  I'll head back to NY tonight with my cat, only because I have to teach class in the morning.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy T-Day

Happy Thanksgiving to me, since I'm the only one who looks at this. :)  Ha.  I'm hungry and I want to eat now, but I have to wait another hour plus for people to get here.  I had a good run (at the gym).  No way I was going to go outside, it's freezing out.  Now I'm shower and sitting around in my pj pants and sweatshirt.  I'll change before company comes.  I wish I could lounge around in this all day.  That would be nice.

I'm feeling good right now, but maybe that's because I haven't had food shoved in my face yet.  It's an all day event.  Last year we sat at the dinner table for 5 hours.  Yes, 5 hours.  Oh dear.  We have SO MUCH freaking food, it's scary.

I hope anyone who might be reading this has a good, stress free Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Let the baking begin

The turkey is done.  The cranberry sauce is made.  My license is renewed.  I will make the apple pie and crust after I take my cat to the vet.

Right now, other than feeling a little crampy, I'm feeling okay about tomorrow.  Well, I guess I'm feeling okay because I haven't looked at my stomach.  The minute I do that, it's all downhill from there.  My weight is fine, well, "fine" and I feel okay, so that's good enough for now.  

I feel like time is standing still right now.  I hate having to get my cat into the carrier and I feel so bad having to do that to him again today, since he was in there for a few hours yesterday...and an hour longer than he should have been because we missed the train by 30 seconds.  It was literally pulling away and I was so pissed.  I had a dumbass cab driver who was too busy looking at his phone instead of driving.

I know the gym will be packed tomorrow, it always is.  Actually, maybe people will be out doing the turkey trot.

I could use a nap, but that's not really necessary, nor is it going to happen.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Almost turkey time

(I don't even eat turkey)

I saw Charro this morning.  It was a good sesh, I guess.  She offered to do a phone sesh with me tomorrow, since she was out sick yesterday, but I declined.  I'd rather relax in the morning and then go to the gym, and not have to rush around to get to a parking lot to talk to her on the phone about stuff I talked to her about today.  I'll see her next week.

I'm getting ready to head home for a few days.  Of course Charro and I talked about Thanksgiving and feeling full and all of that jazz.  We'll see how it goes.

I wish I could take a nap on the train, but I'll be entertaining my cat.  :)

Monday, November 25, 2013

I'm in

Charro's home sick with the flu, so I'm in for the day.  I went to the gym and am working and I don't have to go outside in this bitter cold weather again...unless I decide I want something to eat.  I guess there's always take out, but I never do take out.

Yeah, so no Charro today.  I'm supposed to see her tomorrow morning, but I'm not counting on her making it in if she really has the flu.  She offered to see me Wednesday morning, but I will be long gone by then.  I'm fine anyway.  She doesn't want to hear that I hate my fat stomach and need to get it flat and be skinny, so I guess it's a good thing she's not working today.

I made pasta fagioli on Saturday and I've eaten if for three meals in the past two days.  I still have some left but that's not really what I want.  I need to eat it before I go home tomorrow though.  Yuck!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

ARGH in a box

You know what, the diet is back and I don't care.  I hate my stomach so much.  It's so fat and gross and I can't take it so I don't care what I have to do to get it to look the way I want it to.  I know that it's probably not the best idea, but I can't really help it at this point.  I can't deal with it.

ARGH in a freaking box.  I don't really know what to say.  Every time I tell Charro how I feel she just tells me to "challenge the thoughts."  I can't challenge something that is visually true.  I feel like she just get mad at me.  I see her tomorrow and Tuesday, so that should be a blast.  She'll really hate me after that.  Maybe I just shouldn't tell her how I'm feeling.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

The feeling's back

Awesome!!!  I'm feeling really huge at the moment.  I really, really hate this feeling.  I need to run a million miles at the gym tomorrow.  I know I'm not going to want to go to the gym, especially since it's going to be super freezing out, but I need to.  It probably doesn't help that I'm pmsing too.

My eyes are tired.  It snowed a little hear.  My cat is purring really loudly, which I love, and he's all snuggled up next to me.

Maybe I'll wake up feeling 20 pounds thinner.  Any chance??  Probably not.

Friday, November 22, 2013

WIF Happens

So Charro was not thrilled with my choice of jeans today.  She's like "I see you wore your WIF jeans."  Yep, I did.  She said she wasn't going to weigh me today and she would next week, but then she changed her mind and said, "No, I need to get a weight on you so I'm going to weigh you today."  She said she was going to weigh my backwards because she said that I need to get use to not knowing my weight "at that moment" and then said, "because I know you weigh yourself anyway."  Then she asked how often I weigh myself and I responded with "when I go home."  She said, "Once a week."  I said, "Twice."  

Moving on, she was not exactly happy with the fact that I actually went on a "diet," but was maybe happy with the fact that I stopped the diet.  I don't know.  She was not very happy with me today.  I HATE when she uses my name too.  It makes everything so serious.

Anyway, she weighed me.  She forgot she was going to weigh me backwards because I stepped on the scale and she didn't make me turn around.  Maybe it's because she has a cold and had the stomach flu this week, her brain's not working right.  Who cares, I stepped on and she didn't make me turn around and my weight was exactly the same.

I stepped off the scale and she said nothing.  I HATE when she says nothing.  I said, "You don't have anything to say?  No comments or statements?  You always says something and I hate when you don't."  She said, "You were the same."  I said, "See, I've been the same for a year."  She said, "Not a year."  That was the end.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Done with the diet

I think I'm done with my diet.  I guess that just means that I'm not restricting as much as I was the past few days.  I guess that's a good thing.  I'm sure Charro is going to weigh me tomorrow.  I'll be ready.

I went to eat my breakfast yesterday and we only had whole milk.  I said, "We don't have any milk."  My mom said, "you're going to have to use the whole milk.  You're not going to gain 40 pounds from it."  Thanks mom.  Hmmm.

I'm making lunch.  Some of what I'm using expired 1 month ago.  It smelled a little funny but I'm using it anyway.  We'll see if I end up sick later.

I don't really have much else to report.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Diet talk

I told Charro that I need to go on a diet.  She responded exactly how I expected she would.  Of course she wanted me to "challenge that thought."  What's there to challenge, it is what it is.  I see the fat on my body.  She also wanted to know if I knew that my perception was distorted and that I am just seeing things.  I said, "No," because I am not imagining it, it's really there.

I told her that in the past I would just do it and not say anything to her.  I said, "at least I'm telling you this time."  Well, I failed to tell her that I actually started my little diet yesterday.  So far so good, I think.  It's not like I really want to lose weight, I just want to be smaller.  I want my stomach to be, not flat, concave.  Charro hates when I say that because she thinks "women are not supposed to have concave stomachs."  She always says that we're supposed to have fat on our bodies.  I don't need to have much, just enough to have my body function.

My diet will be broken at dinner tomorrow night because we're taking my dad out for dinner.  It will be back in session on Wednesday morning.  I'm sure that Charro will weigh me on Friday with all of this talk of not eating.  I'll be ready.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Diet time

It's official, I'm on a diet (that's a stupid word), which started when I woke up this morning.  I guess when you have an ED you don't really "go on diets" you just eat less than you already do.  For me, I need to really crack down on what I'm eating.  It's time for lots of veggies and no "treats."  I'm serious about this.  In the back of my head I know that this is not a good idea and that I shouldn't be doing this, but in the front of my head, I have to because I don't like the way I feel.  So, that's the deal.  Do I discuss this with Charro tomorrow?  I don't know.  I already know what she's going to say so it might not be worth it.  She'll say, "If you want to be all disordered, go ahead."  She always says that.  Well, I guess I want to be "all disordered," or maybe I just want to have a flat stomach and to get that back I need to do some things that may not be all that great, but won't kill me either.  We shall see.  It's go time.

I get to play field hockey today and it's not freezing out.  Yay!!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Popcorn and Footloose

Sometimes I wish I could live off of Fireballs, like I did in high school.  I was looking in the mirror today and I am looking pretty fat and gross and I'm so not okay with that.  I hate it.  Being tan makes me look better and right now I'm pasty white.

I just made airpopped popcorn with cayenne pepper.  I put a it too much pepper on it and now my nose is running.  I don't really have anything for dinner so I'll make egg whites on a wrap.  I'll probably do that soon, even though it's not even 4 PM yet.  My lunch wasn't that huge because I ran out of the soup that I made.  I ate the end of it.  It was good too.

I was out late last night and am going out tonight, so I might take a little cat nap.  Charro's favorite movie, Footloose, is on.  It was the first movie she ever went to.  Ha.  I didnt' know Sarah Jessica Parker was in this.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Instant reaction

Just got dressed, sat down on the couch, and plop...FAT ROLL hanging over my jeans.  My reaction "Oh my God, that's my fat.  I'm going to throw up."  That was about 60 seconds ago.  I'd like to vomit (I won't/don't do that) and I'd like to never eat again and run for 900 miles.  I want to throw.  I'll have to tell Charro this on Monday.

WIF, not today

Well, Charro did not weigh me today.  She said,  "Are you wearing your WIF jeans?"  I said, "No, I'm not.  I forgot about my WIF jeans.  I'm going to have to start wearing them every Friday."  She responded with, "If you want to be all eating disordered."  That was at the beginning of our sesh.  I thought she'd weigh me at the end, but she did not.  As I was getting ready to leave she said, "One of these days we're going to weigh you, but I'll keep it a surprise."  (awesome)  I said, "I'll be sure to wear my WIF jeans every Friday then."  She said "You better not."  I said, "What are you going to do, make me take them off."  She goes, "Um, no."  I said, "Exactly!"  

My cat was in my dream last night.  She was so real and it was so nice.  In my dream I knew she was dead, but I could still feel her and see her, like she was real.  I said to my co-worker, because we were in the office with my cat, "I don't care if no one else can see her or feel her, I can and that's all that matters."

I'm starving.  I'm going to lunch with a friend today.  This place I've been dying to try since I found out about it last week.  I mentioned it to Charro and she was like "I've been there."  Geez, really?  She said it's good but wants to know what I think about it.

My arm is going to fall off because I just carried a gallon of paint several blocks.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Will she or won't she?

Will Charro weigh me tomorrow or not?  That's the big question.  I'm guessing that she will, since she was going to last week and totally forgot, or something.  Maybe it was her way of warning me that it was coming so I could be ready for it?  I don't know, but I'll be ready!!

So I ordered something, it says it was delivered, yet there is no sign of it downstairs, which is not okay.  I need this package, it's my new eyeglasses.  I need to see if they're going to fit and work and stuff.

I made an appointment to see the butt doctor for the day after Christmas.  I figured that it makes sense, since I will be home, but I'd rather do it after the first of the year so I can meet my deductible sooner.  I called to see if I can change it, just waiting for a call back.

I'm making cookies.  The dough has to refrigerate for an hour, it's almost time to bake them.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I'll get there

I have absolutely no desire to go to the gym this morning.  I'll get there, it's just going to be a little later than usual.  I'll do some work and then go.  I plan on running...we'll see how that goes.

Oh, I have to call and make a few doctor's appointments too.  Well, one, maybe two, if I decide to call a sports med guy for my hip situation.

I need to get my humidifier out, it's getting dry in my apartment.  I do not like winter!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The heat is on

I was meeting with an old client today, who hasn't been using our company in a long time so has become a new client again.  Anyway, I was meeting with him and as we were finishing up he asked me if I would like some coffee.  I decline.  Then he said, "Is your boss (he said his name) not paying you enough.  You need to eat some more."  He either said that or "You need to get some meat on you."  I just found that to be really funny because he is well over 300 pounds and the other woman I was meeting with is also overweight.  I actually didn't even pay any attention to their size until he then said something like, "You don't see any skinny people here."  I'm glad they're back to being my clients because they're nice people and I like doing work with nice people.

Okay, I'm just going to say it...It's F'n COLD out.  I am so NOT okay with this.  It snowed this morning.  Yeah, white stuff fell from the sky and landed on my grass.  I do not like that.

I think my heat is finally fixed.  That's a good thing.  I think my window is open so I should probably shut that.  

Monday, November 11, 2013

Talking about TT

I had a productive sesh with Charro today.  I had stuff to talk about, which was good.  I said, "Oh, that first 15 minutes went by fast."  She goes, "Maybe it's because you're actually talking."  Perhaps.  I was telling her about this woman I know from my gym at home, who I'm sort of friends with but not really.  I call her "TT" because I met her on the treadmill and she is a therapist.  Long story short, she came to stay with me for a night or two about a year ago and she is completely eating disordered and in such denial about it.  Not only that, but she kept trying to tell me that I don't have an eating disorder when I was coming clean about it.  That's not cool.  

Anyway, she called me yesterday and I might have written about it but I don't remember.  I haven't spoken to her since she left my apartment that day over a year ago.  I can't deal with her complete denial, so I haven't spoken to her.  (We didn't much at all anyway).  Well she called to tell me that the past year of her life has been a mess...she wants out of her marriage and thinks she likes women.  Seriously, why do I keep hearing about women leaving their husbands for other women?  She said it's been really tough, which is why she's reaching out to me.  Oh yeah, and her eating is really bad.  So yea, that's probably why she's reaching out to me.  I can't deal with her until she's ready to admit that she has a problem.  She wants me to call her when I'm in town.  I don't really want to hang out with her.

So Charro and I talked about that a lot today.

I was sitting there talking and all of a sudden I thought about how weird it is that I just sit there and talk to her.  It's a bizarre concept.  Weird, if you ask me.  I just don't get it.  Weird!!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Just chillin

I was going to walk across town this morning to see a friend, but I'm being lazy and don't want to.  I slept late and don't feel like rushing to get over there before she's done with work.  After all, I don't think she really cares if I stop by or not, but it's fun, I'm just not feeling it today.  I left my apartment at 8:30 yesterday morning and didn't get back until 10:30 PM.  I just want to sit here and do nothing, except clean, until I go play field hockey.  Besides, my kitty misses me.  

I feel like I've been eating a lot and I hate that feeling.  I met some friends for an early dinner yesterday and I was so full after. I hate being full.  I can't wait to weigh myself when I get home tomorrow.

I still can't believe Charro forgot to weigh my on Friday.  What a sigh of relief I let out when I got out of that office.  :)

Maybe I'll eat my sticks now.

Friday, November 08, 2013

That was a close call

I totally got of WIF today.  I left my apartment not completely prepared to be weighed, since Charro hasn't weighed me since July and I kept going "ready" to be weighed, only to not get weighed.  So this morning, I was like, eh, I'll just go as is because she won't weigh me.  Well, I get there and we were chatting and she said, "I should weigh you today and we should do it blind."  I said, "No, I don't think so."  She's like, "Yeah, we haven't weighed you in a while and it would be good to do it blind so I have a record and you get use to it."  I was like, "No."  She said, "You didn't come in all prepared."  I said, "No."  Ha.  If only she knew.  So of course I was not really looking forward to that given that I probably wasn't going to be at the weight she says I need to be at.  I drank my water, trying to not be too obvious that I was drinking more than usual.  We kept talking and at the end of the sesh, she was carrying on about something and I was thinking about how I was hoping she wouldn't WIF me.  Well, I saw that time was up and so I stood up and grabbed my stuff and she totally didn't say anything about weighing me, so I quickly put on my coat and got the hell out of there before she remembered that she wanted to weigh me.  YES!! One point for me.  I felt like I totally escaped that one and was lucky to get out without being weighed.  Here's the lesson I take from this, ALWAYS go ready to be weighed, which I have done up until today.  I knew that would happen.

I think I need a nap today.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Charro and Kruger, together

I had a funny dream last night.  Charro and Kruger were in it.  I was out with a bunch of friends and they were out with us.  Everyone was pretty drunk, which is random, but whatever.  I was the only sober one but was acting like a drunk person.  It was like 2 AM and we were all still out and then we had to go back to some one's place to get something or change or something and I was there with Charro, Kruger and two of my friends.  I thought it was a little weird but I also though, "Wow, they're fun and Kruger is actually really funny," which was the most shocking thing to me.  I grabbed my friend and was like "Kruger is really funny and I'm really surprised about that."  I don't really know what happened in the dream, but we were all acting crazy and having a good time.

I'm sure I had this dream because I was on the train with some drunk guys last night.

My friend just called and asked me if I wanted to grab lunch but I declined.  I told her I was waiting for the plumber, which is true, although I don't need to be here for him.  I just don't feel like going out.  I got home after 1 this morning and it's raining out and I just want to stay here until I have to go out later.  

Charro tomorrow.  It's going to be freaking cold so I can wear a lot of layers.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Nice Autumn Day

The past few days have been pretty uneventful, which is a good thing, I guess.  I've just been working and doing stuff.  I haven't lost any weight, because I've weighed myself a few times in the past two days, so whatever people are seeing is not real.  I mean, yeah, maybe I lost 1 pound, but that's not least not enough for Charro to notice.

Oh yeah, I was productive on the train yesterday, after a little snooze.  I made my list for Charro.  It's basically a list of why I do and do not think I have an ED.  I don't really know how helpful this list is going to be, but I thought I'd compose it anyway.

I feel like I have a hairball in my throat.  

I ran on the treadmill this morning, but only 3.5 miles, and then I moved onto another machine.  My right hip/leg felt weird, like I needed to pop it or snap it or something and I was sick of running so I did the elliptical.  

I'm going to hang out with my brother and sister tonight, which will hopefully be good.

My mom and I went out to dinner last night and I was so not hungry, but I had to eat.  I really hate eating when I'm not hungry.  I didn't eat that much and just finished my dinner for lunch, which Charro would totally hate because "Italians don't do doggy bags."  Well you know what, Americans do!?  :)  And I do too!!

Well, that's all.  It would be so nice to go "unprepared" for WIF to my sesh's on Fridays, but the one time I d that will be the one time she weighs me.

Monday, November 04, 2013


I find out a lot about Charro during our sesh's sometimes.  Today, I found out that she has a little bit of a fear of bridges.  I also found out that she was "a surprise" and that she's an only child.  Hmm, interesting.  This all came about because on Friday she asked if I was "a surprise," since I'm 5 years younger than my sister.  I said that I didn't know and was a little offended because if I was "a surprise" then I wasn't wanted.  She said, "I didn't mean that at all.  I think it's a nice thing."  So I brought that up with her again today and that's when she told me that she was "a surprise."

I'm going to make a real list for her of stuff for Friday.  I'm going to start working on that today.  I may have to babysit in a little bit, if not, I'll start it after this post, or after I throw in some laundry.

I am full.  I hate feeling full.  I've noticed that I have back fat know the flab that hangs over your bra strap near the back of your armpit.  Ugh.  That is NOT okay.  

I guess I should wrap this up in case I have to leave in a minute.  Babysitting is the best money ever!

Sunday, November 03, 2013

No marathons

It's 25 degrees colder than it was yesterday.  NOT okay!!  I am sort of watching the NYC marathon from my window.  I can hear the cheering.  I went outside to watch for a few minutes and then came back into my warm apartment.  I'm heading out in a few to play field hockey.  I better get a good workout.  

I hate daylight savings time.  It gets dark so early.  It's so sad.

People are always telling me that I should run a marathon, that I'd be so good at it.  Um, I HATE running and do NOT want to run a marathon.  Why can't people just accept that.  I do not want to run 26.2 miles people.  I don't even want to run 4 miles, but I do it because I have to.

I guess I should get ready for field hockey.

Friday, November 01, 2013

There's number two

Someone else told me today that I looked like I had lost weight.  He said my face looked thinner.  I responded with "Really?  You're the second person to say that to me."  I guess I'm totally fine with that as long as Charro or my parents don't think that I've lost weight.  I think Charro would have weighed me if she though I looked thinner.  She didn't weigh me so she must not think I look any different.  My parents would have said something to me too, which they did not, so that's a good thing.  Those are the three people who I do not need to say something to me or to think that I've lost weight.  I really haven't so I don't know why people think I have.  That's cool though.

My sesh with Charro was pretty uneventful.  I explained to her how I'm totally not orthorexic, but she disagrees.  I was like, "I don't eat only healthy things and I'm definitely focused on my weight and body."  It's almost like I have to prove to her that I'm not orthorexic and have to be more anorexic.  We discussed that a bit as well, how I need to be something if I am called something.

My blogger is being so weird.

I don't really have any plans for tomorrow, which is kind of nice.