Monday, December 30, 2013

I like phone sesh's

I am freezing.  I was just at my friend's house and it was 3 degrees in there.

I had a phone sesh with Charro today.  I think I talk more when we talk on the phone.  I think it's easier for me since we're not face to face.  I'll have to bring this up with her on Friday.

I tried, once again, to get her to do away with WIF.  I said, "I think we should stop having WIF."  She didn't agree with that one at all.  She asked if I has stepped on Bertha (my scale) and I said no but told her that I was going to weigh myself before I go to the doctor on Thursday.  I said, I can either tell you today or wait and tell you until Friday, but you're going to know I did it anyway, which is why I told you today.  She said, "well I'm glad that you are honest with me."  She clearly wishes that I wasn't going to weigh myself, but she also said that I did a good job not weighing myself for so long.

I'm heading out to dinner with a friend tonight.  I haven't seen her in a while, so that will be fun.  

I am DREADING the upcoming weather.  It is going to be below zero and I might die.

Sunday, December 29, 2013


I guess my parents, or at least my dad, worries that I don't eat.  We were in the car yesterday and he said, "Where do you want to eat tonight?"  I said, "No where."  He said, "When's the last time you ate?"  I said, "An hour ago."  He asked what I ate and I told him.  Seriously...that was annoying.  Just because he's not home when I eat, doesn't mean that I'm not eating.  We're not together 24-7 so he's not going to see everytime I eat.

I don't want to go to the gym.  My gym is SO boring.  It's all old people.  I call it the geriatric gym.  I have to run too, which sucks.  Running is boring.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Not hungry

I haven't been really hungry the past few days, which is not something that I will complain about.  I guess it makes up for me being so hungry last week.  I know Charro does not want me to weigh myself at all, but it will happen on Thursday morning before I see my doctor.  Oh well.  I shouldn't do it, but my mind is made up.  I don't really care what it means for me as for as getting better goes.  I must weigh myself.  I'm guessing that she will not weigh me on Friday though.

My ass hurts from sitting on the heating vent, which is where I'm about to go again right now because the heat just turned on.  I should eat lunch at some point, but I'm not hungry.  My parents are going to want to eat out tonight, probably at this Italian place, but I'm not feeling it at all.  I've had way too much Italian food this month.  

I kind of just want to lay on the couch, curled up in a warm blanket, and take a nap.  

Love being sore

I think my time at the gym today will be short.  I don't feel like going, plus I'm sore from a class I took yesterday.  I love being sore.  This class was kind of like a boot camp, I guess.  We did a ton of reps.  One of the stations was a push-up station, where we had to do 100 push-ups and if we need to take a break, we had to flip over and do a bench press with weights.  So, you're not really resting the muscles because you're still working them.  It feels good to be sore.

I'm tired and I'm not really sure why, but whatever.  I feel like I could go back to sleep right now.  I guess what I should really do is go upstairs and get dressed and go workout.  I have to drop my car off at the garage right next to the gym anyway.  

I saw mean Debbie twice on Christmas Eve.  I hate her.  I almost walked right into her going into the locker room in the morning and then I saw her at MY church at night.  Um, that's my church, you cannot go there!! I wonder if I'll see her at the gym this morning.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Driving Sesh

I had my phone sesh with Charro while I was driving today.  I don't think she could hear me very well.  I wonder what she does while I'm on the phone with her.  I bet she's multi-tasking.

I think she was surprised that I hadn't weighed myself yet.  I told her that I was going to weigh myself before I see my doctor on Thursday, of course she would love for me not to and would love it if I told them to weigh be blind.  Um, not going to happen.  Dead give away that some thing's up.  

She also talked about how when she runs her groups the people need to eat every thing on their plates.  She said that I need to do that and that a higher level of care would be good for that reason.  She also said that she doesn't think that I need a higher level of care.  I told her that I can't force myself to eat more and eat everything on my own.  Do I think that I would benefit from being somewhere where they forced me to eat everything?  Yes.  Would I do it?  No.

I'm freezing.  

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Merry day after

Christmas has come and gone.  I can't go cold turkey from Christmas music.  They need to wean me off of it.  Thank goodness for CDs and ipods and stuff.  

So yeah, I felt fat and full yesterday.  I wanted to weigh myself to see if I gained 400 pounds.  I still do want to weigh myself and I don't really think that I can go without weighing myself while I'm home.  Let's face if, if I don't weigh myself before Thursday, when I go to the doctor, I will weigh myself that morning.  I need to weigh myself before I go to the doctor because they'll weigh me there, but I'll have clothes on and it won't be accurate.  Plus, I need to see if I'm going to weigh a lot more than I did last time I went.  I don't want a shock factor.

I'm having a phone sesh with Charro tomorrow.  Today is a low key day, which is nice.  Actually, I don't really have much to do while I'm home for the next week, which is nice.  Tomorrow I have stuff in the morning and I also have to try and get in to see another doctor tomorrow, but that's it.

My parents and I are going to eat lunch in a few minutes, I guess.  Leftovers...lots of leftovers.  I think all of this eating will get to me soon and I will end up stepping on the scale.  Charro will not be so thrilled.

I miss Christmas.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Eve time

It's Christmas Eve and the temperature has dropped 30 degrees in the past 24 hours.  We might get a little snow tonight, which would be nice.

Charro has challenged me to not weigh myself at all while I'm home.  It's proving to be harder than I expected.  I really, really want to get on my scale.  I'm not sure I can do it.

I found out that a girl I went to high school with died.  She was a few years younger than I am and has two little girls.  They think she had a heart attack.  She had a heart condition and had a pace maker.  It makes me so sad to think about her family.  I knew her sister as well.  Those poor people and her poor little kids.

My agenda for the day...gym, office to deliver my treats, shower, church, sister's house for Christmas Eve.  Sleep!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

In shorts

It's December 22 and I am wearing shorts.  YAY!  It's going to get cold tomorrow so I'm soaking this up, even though it's cloudy and going to rain, I'll take the warmth.

So it's official, I'm going away in August with a bunch of people, one of whom is a therapist who works with ED people.  Awesome.  I wonder how that's going to work out.  I need to google her, actually.  I've met her a few times, but spending 7 days with 11 people and eating every meal with them will certainly be interesting.  I wonder if this lady is going to figure me out.  I'm going to have to work out every day, so she might know something is up.

I started taking ornaments off of my tree because I'm afraid they're going to fall off and break.  Sad.  I'm going home tomorrow and will be there for a while, unless I get bored and decide to come back.

I need to put socks on because my feet are cold.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Yay for no WIF

I'm actually afraid to turn on my Christmas tree out of fear that it will go up in flames.  Sad, sad day.  I'm only here with it for two more nights so hopefully it will be okay.  When I get back here, it's going to be really bad.  I kind of wonder if I should take some of the ornaments off of my tree so they don't fall and break while I'm going.  Maybe I'll just stick a blanket where the tree skirt isn't, in case they do fall, they won't break.  :(

Yesterday was a very busy day.  I got to Charro's and was a sweaty mess.  She did NOT weigh me, which surprised, me, but she also took me late and I left early, so maybe that had something to do with it.  I was well prepared, however.  I wore my WIF jeans, but only because I wanted to take them home to wash them.  True story.

Tonight I'm going to a show with a friend and her family.  That will be fun.  Ooh, the sky looks really pretty right now and I don't have my camera here.  Boo.

Thursday, December 19, 2013


My Christmas tree is a complete fire hazard.  It's dead.  The branches no longer bend, they just break right off.  

In other news, I just got electrocuted unplugging something.  Now sure what happened there.  It didn't feel great, that I know.

I have no idea how I'm going to dress tomorrow because I have to go to Charro's and then straight to the train station, but I have to look decent because I need to go see clients after and then I have to bring clothes for my work Christmas party.  I would like to avoid having to carry my huge boots, but I don't think that's possible.  I have to wear heavy clothes because I'm sure we'll have WIF and she will kill me and make me gain a million pounds, do food logs and get weighed every week if I don't show up with a few extra pounds on me.  

I want to go ice skating.  Random thought.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Short and boring

Well, I weigh about 7 pounds less than I "should," according to Charro's little chart...andd what she thinks I weigh right now too.  I don't know why, but I always tend to lose weight this time of year.  My guess is that she will most definitely weigh me on Friday.  I guess this might be why I thought I looked a little "sick" in a recent picture.  Oh well, Christmas and lots of food is coming my are freak outs, I'm sure.

It snowed yesterday.  My hip hurts today.  My cat is at my parents house so I'm lonely.

I had much more to write earlier in the day, but don't recall what it was.  So, the end.

Monday, December 16, 2013

More porn talk

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight.  People didn't leave my apartment until 1 AM.  That's way past my bedtime, but I guess that means they were having a good time. :)

Charro really, really wants me to get rid of my heart rate monitor.  I told her that I can't because I was shooting a porno.  (If you read a post or two back, that will make sense).  She laughed and said, "Porno" sounds weird, is that the right word?  I said yes and we continued to discuss it for a minute.  She said, "You must have been thinking, "What is C into?"  I said, "Hey, what you do in your free time is what you do in your free time."  She said, "I'm not into pornos."  Good to know.  Funny stuff.

I have a pretty good feeling that she's going to weigh me on Friday.  I can feel it coming.  There's been too much talk about weight loss and what I look like.  I will be geared up and ready.  I probably shouldn't wear my WIF jeans.  She would not love that.  Last time she weighed me in them anyway, but since I just wore them on Friday, she'd know I was up to no good.  Oh wait, she knows that anyway.

I have a bunch of stuff I have to do tonight and I just don't want to.  I guess I should.  I have to make a stupid phone call that I'm not looking forward to making.  I don't really feel like talking to this person.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

6 months pregnant

I literally looked like I was 6 months pregnant last night.  No joke.  No exaggeration.  It was not pretty and I don't know what the hell I ate to make me look like that.  I went out to dinner, but most of us didn't have dinner because it was a really expensive place, so I just had a little dessert.  Could that have done it?  I didn't feel great after that, and the looking 6 months pregnant thing...NOT good.  Ugh.

I'm having people over today for a party and that means I'm going to have to eat.  This wouldn't have been an issue if I didn't look like I was about to give birth last night.  I mean, I always eat, there will just be more foods, rich foods, that I usually don't eat and then I'll feel gross.  I definitely have to go to the gym this morning.  I didn't know if I would get there because I have a lot of stuff to do before people come over, but I must go, even if it's only for a 30 minute run.  I don't feel like running, but I need to.  I could hop on the elliptical, I guess, but running is better.  I'd have to stay on the elliptical longer.  I hope it's not too crowded.  I'm sure it will be.

I need to buy milk or I won't have breakfast tomorrow.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Charro's porn quote

It's been exactly one year since that horrific shooting in Newtown.  I think about those people every day, especially since I've met some of the parents who've lost their children, and some of the first responders.  I still can't imagine.  I thought more about it yesterday than today, just because it happened on a Friday and I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing.  It was such a sad day.

Totally off topic, but on topic of my blog, Charro cracks me up.  I went to a Christmas party the other night and I wore my ugly Christmas sweater and this light up wreathe I made to wear on my head.  People loved it.  I was out in public in a bar.  Charro loves that I wore that get up out in public.  She asked if I got asked out on a date.  I said no.  She goes, "I would have asked you out if I saw you in that get up."  She's funny.

So here's what Charro said when I said that I didn't wear my heart rate monitor this year while I was cutting down my Christmas tree.  "Think about how absolutely and completely ridiculous that is.  If you ever were questioning if you have some issues, please just imagine that.  There you are with your father, it's a beautiful ritual, beautiful tree farm, you've been doing it since you were a kid...Heart rate monitor!  It's like a bad B movie.  Sort of like, actually like porn, you know how they have those weird stories.  I could just see this girl taking her shirt off and having a heart monitor.  I just want to get that image into your head so you realized.  I wanted to really plant it in your head that that's not the way to go.  It speaks to dysfunction.  It's sad actually.  To me, it makes me sad.  There you are, having this great thing with your dad and there's this whole other thing going on with this eating disorder.  Poor your dad, if he only knew, right?"  HA!!  No, I don't know how they have those weird stories and I don't want to know why she does.  She said that she hasn't watched porn, but ya never know.

I think it's nap time.  It's snowing.  I've made two pounds of baked ziti for my party tomorrow, taught aerobics and cleaned.  I think it's nap time and then shower before I have to head out into the snow.  Fun.  I wish I didn't have to go out and could just plop on my couch all night long, but I have plans.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Porn talk

Charro pointed out that I was wearing my WIF jeans today.  She said, "I'm not going to WIF you because you're wearing your WIF jeans."  I said, "I didn't think you'd WIF me anyway because you just did."  She said, "It's convenient how you only wear them on Fridays."  I said, "I'll wear them on Monday too."  :)

We were talking about Christmas and how I cut down my tree at home.  I said, "Well this year I didn't wear my heart rate monitor."  She had a lot to say about that, and then added, "I should confiscate that thing.  Here you are having a nice ritual with your dad, cutting down the tree and you wear your heart rate monitor. It's like a weird porno.  You take off your shirt and there it is."  Well, needless to say I gave her the strangest look and thought to myself, has she watched a lot of porn in her life?  Later on she commented that she had never actually watched any pornos.  I said, "I was wondering about that, but there are some things that I just don't want to know about you."  She kills me.

I might bring her lunch on Monday, since I'll have a lot of leftovers from my Christmas party on Sunday.

I'm tired and have a ton of stuff to do before Sunday.  I've had too many late nights lately, fun nights, but late ones.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

That was sweet

I just got a really nice email from Stephanie.  I didn't get to see her today because she wasn't there when I was there.  I emailed her and told her I was bummed that I had missed her.  Her response "Yes, I was also sad that I didn't get to see you and say hello.  I'd love an update if you get a chance."  She went on with a few other things, but I thought that was really nice.  I guess she likes me.  I wish we could go get a cup of coffee or something.  She so won't do that though.  It's weird, I have a few other friends who aren't seeing their therapists anymore and they've gotten together outside of the office.  I have one, who is so eating disordered it's not even funny, who's T "fired" her within the past year and the two of them are getting together to go for a walk the day after Christmas.  What!!!  That's so not fair.  Charro would never do that.  By the way, walking is not something they should be doing because she has the worse exercise problem ever.

So part two of my study was fine.  I hate answering ED questions with the girl.  I said something to answer one of her questions, I don't remember what it was, but she was like, "That's a good thing."  It was some question that showed that my thoughts/actions have changed for the better.  She seemed to sort of actually care what I was saying ED wise, like she understood I guess.

I'm babysitting and tired.  I see Charro in the morning.  I wrote a Christmas song for our sesh tomorrow, which I will sing.  It's about this particular office.  I hate the location, especially right now because it's in the heart of Rockefeller Center.  Ugh,

So that's that.  I think I should be ready for WIF tomorrow, in case that happens.  I'll wear my WIF jeans.

Head testing today

Woah, I haven't posted in a few days.  I guess I've been busy.  I was out late last night so I have a nice, sexy voice this morning.  

Let's see, I don't look anorexic in the pictures from last night, like I did in the pictures from last Friday.

I'm going for part two of my neuropysch study today.  It's going to be a long walk there in these frigid temps.  Hopefully I'll see Stephanie.  It would be nice to get to talk to her for a few minutes.  It will probably just make me miss her, but that's okay.  I'm not going to be on top of my game because I didn't get enough sleep last night.  It's like 2 hrs of puzzle solving stuff.  Last time I saw Steph, when I ran into her on the subway, she looked thinner.  I wonder what she looks like now.  I hope I don't see any of my friends or anyone else I know when I go here because I know a lot of people who work at this hospital, in that building, one whom I was with last night.  That would be awesome if I ran into her...not!  

I'm having a Christmas party on Sunday.  I need to clean and cook and stuff.  I have all day Saturday and most of Sunday.  I also have most of the day tomorrow, so that's good.

Maybe I'll talk more about the picture situation with Charro tomorrow.  I wonder if she'll weigh me again.  Ugh.

Monday, December 09, 2013


So I decided to bring up the picture that was taken of me the other night with Charro today.  I wasn't going to bring up the actually date of the picture, but started by saying how I had recently seen a picture of myself and thought that I looked thin.  I told her how I was afraid that people would see it and think that I looked sick.  I then said, "Would you tell me what I look like if I show you the picture?"  She said, "I don't need to see a picture, I can tell you that you look thin."  So, with that said I showed her the picture.  She looked at it and said, "You look ghastly."  Okay, now the reaction I expected.  She then said, "Was that taken the other night?"  I said yes.  I hope she doesn't think that I'm underweight or that I've lost weight after that situation.  I might have just burned myself there, but it had to be done.

So we talked about that for a bit and how I don't want people to look at me and think that I have a problem.   She said that people know, but I disagree.  I forgot what else I was just going to write because I got side tracked.  I'll come back to this later.  I really want an apple but I don't have any.

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Hair cut in sesh

I might throw up.  I'm watching "My Strange Addiction," and the lady drinks her own pee.  EWWWWW!!! So gross.  I should change the channel.

I must start my baking today.  I was too dead and lazy yesterday and didn't do it.  

So Charro cut her hair during our sesh again on Friday.  I told her I wanted to video tape that, but she wouldn't have any of that.  She twists her hair up and then it gets knotted and she ends up cutting it.  This is the third time I've seen her do this.  The first time I was shocked.  She just grabbed the scissors and cut.  I was like, WHAT!!?  She's a nut.

I'm going to play field hockey in the snow today.  That should be interesting.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Busy bee

It's been a busy few days and now I have time to relax a little.  Wednesday I was running around the city with my parents and friends.  Then I had a work conference all day and night.  Yesterday was my birthday so was home and then came back to NYC and then went out.  Oh yeah, I also saw Charro.  She seemed to be pretty excited about my birthday.  I saw her late, at 5 PM, and she knew I was going out. She's like "What are you having for dinner?  Let's look online right now because you have to eat dinner."  So we got online and looked but came up with nothing.  I'm sure she'll ask me if I ate when I see her on Monday.  I did,  by the way.

We were taking pictures while out last night and I was a bit horrified when I saw one of myself.  I looked, well, like an anorexic person.  I don't know it was the angle or what, but my head looked huge compared to my body, and I do not have a big head at all.  So, I'm not sure about that.  I was thinking about showing Charro the picture to see what she thinks, but then I realized that if we both think I look too skinny and she thinks I weigh 103 pounds, she'd make me gain more weight, which I can't really do because I don't even weigh 103 to begin with.  There's no way I could fake more weight, so I don't think I'm going to show her the picture.  How would I explain that one?  I couldn't.

I wish I didn't have to go outside in 30 minutes.  Brr.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Oh Christmas Tree

I would really love it if I didn't have to work out today.  Too bad that's really not an option.  Well, I guess I could not work out but I'm not going to not work out.  My legs are tired.  My legs and hip flexors were just completely shot yesterday.  It was weird.  It was moreso my hip flexors than my legs, but still, it was weird.  The thought of having to get on the treadmill and run doesn't sound very good right now.  Ugh.

My sesh with Charro was fine.  Nothing too thrilling to report on about that.

I'm tired.  My Christmas tree is almost finished.  I just have to put a few more things up there and some tinsel.  It looks nice.

I told Charro that she's "a stick."  She said, "I have a normal body."  Well, she is a stick.  She has thin legs, no ass, skinny arms.  The only big thing on her body are her boobs.  That's it.

Sunday, December 01, 2013

The Sunday after Thanksgiving

I'm going to get my Christmas tree today.  Hopefully my friend who is taking me will get his ass out of bed soon so we can go and I can get back in time to play field hockey.

There was a really bad train derailment this morning.  It was not on the line that I take, but it was on a line that my friends and Charro take.  Four people were killed, 11 are in critical condition.  63 were injured.  Luckily it was an early Sunday morning so the train was not filled with commuters.  That's a good thing.  Scary stuff.  The train was just a few feet from going into the river.  Maybe 3 feet at the most.  Thank God it was a Sunday and not a weekday morning when everyone is commuting into the city.

Yes, we have enough people to play field hockey!!  Yay, I will get a work out after all.  I was afraid that I might not work out if we didn't play because I knew I wouldn't go to the gym.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Slight decline

Today started out good and then got progressively worse.  Nothing detrimental or anything but still.  My dad and I cut down our tree and then when my sister saw it when she got home, her boyfriend said that it was small.  I was like, "what?"  So I went out and measured it and he was right, it's only 8 feet tall.  I thought it was at least 10.  So, I am mad about that because I love our big tree and it needs to be perfect, and it's not. It's too short.  

Then I got sick of my relatives.  I was like, "I have to get out of this house."  I didn't think I'd want to come back here but I couldn't wait to.  I think my cat is happy to be back too.  I know he is.  My uncle brought his      dog, and even though she barely moves because she's really old, my cat didn't want to be around her.  Speaking of my cat...I got his blood results.  His kidneys are getting worse so I have to give him his fluids 2-3 times per week.  Two of his liver things were elevated too, which isn't good.  I need to bring him back for blood work in a few months.  Ugh.

Thanksgiving, take two

Thanksgiving is half over.  We're having part two in a few minutes.  I made it through yesterday without any issues.  I guess it helped that I had a good work out yesterday morning.  I was full, but I didn't eat too too much.  This morning I went to the gym, came home and had a really early lunch, (Charro would not have approved of my 10:45 AM lunch) then my dad and I went and chopped down our tree.  That was exhausting.  Sawing that thing was really hard and then dragging and 11 foot tree over 100 yards at a slight incline, also not that easy.  Yay.  Good workouts for the day.  My hip is a little tight, but whatever.  I'll head back to NY tonight with my cat, only because I have to teach class in the morning.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy T-Day

Happy Thanksgiving to me, since I'm the only one who looks at this. :)  Ha.  I'm hungry and I want to eat now, but I have to wait another hour plus for people to get here.  I had a good run (at the gym).  No way I was going to go outside, it's freezing out.  Now I'm shower and sitting around in my pj pants and sweatshirt.  I'll change before company comes.  I wish I could lounge around in this all day.  That would be nice.

I'm feeling good right now, but maybe that's because I haven't had food shoved in my face yet.  It's an all day event.  Last year we sat at the dinner table for 5 hours.  Yes, 5 hours.  Oh dear.  We have SO MUCH freaking food, it's scary.

I hope anyone who might be reading this has a good, stress free Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Let the baking begin

The turkey is done.  The cranberry sauce is made.  My license is renewed.  I will make the apple pie and crust after I take my cat to the vet.

Right now, other than feeling a little crampy, I'm feeling okay about tomorrow.  Well, I guess I'm feeling okay because I haven't looked at my stomach.  The minute I do that, it's all downhill from there.  My weight is fine, well, "fine" and I feel okay, so that's good enough for now.  

I feel like time is standing still right now.  I hate having to get my cat into the carrier and I feel so bad having to do that to him again today, since he was in there for a few hours yesterday...and an hour longer than he should have been because we missed the train by 30 seconds.  It was literally pulling away and I was so pissed.  I had a dumbass cab driver who was too busy looking at his phone instead of driving.

I know the gym will be packed tomorrow, it always is.  Actually, maybe people will be out doing the turkey trot.

I could use a nap, but that's not really necessary, nor is it going to happen.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Almost turkey time

(I don't even eat turkey)

I saw Charro this morning.  It was a good sesh, I guess.  She offered to do a phone sesh with me tomorrow, since she was out sick yesterday, but I declined.  I'd rather relax in the morning and then go to the gym, and not have to rush around to get to a parking lot to talk to her on the phone about stuff I talked to her about today.  I'll see her next week.

I'm getting ready to head home for a few days.  Of course Charro and I talked about Thanksgiving and feeling full and all of that jazz.  We'll see how it goes.

I wish I could take a nap on the train, but I'll be entertaining my cat.  :)

Monday, November 25, 2013

I'm in

Charro's home sick with the flu, so I'm in for the day.  I went to the gym and am working and I don't have to go outside in this bitter cold weather again...unless I decide I want something to eat.  I guess there's always take out, but I never do take out.

Yeah, so no Charro today.  I'm supposed to see her tomorrow morning, but I'm not counting on her making it in if she really has the flu.  She offered to see me Wednesday morning, but I will be long gone by then.  I'm fine anyway.  She doesn't want to hear that I hate my fat stomach and need to get it flat and be skinny, so I guess it's a good thing she's not working today.

I made pasta fagioli on Saturday and I've eaten if for three meals in the past two days.  I still have some left but that's not really what I want.  I need to eat it before I go home tomorrow though.  Yuck!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

ARGH in a box

You know what, the diet is back and I don't care.  I hate my stomach so much.  It's so fat and gross and I can't take it so I don't care what I have to do to get it to look the way I want it to.  I know that it's probably not the best idea, but I can't really help it at this point.  I can't deal with it.

ARGH in a freaking box.  I don't really know what to say.  Every time I tell Charro how I feel she just tells me to "challenge the thoughts."  I can't challenge something that is visually true.  I feel like she just get mad at me.  I see her tomorrow and Tuesday, so that should be a blast.  She'll really hate me after that.  Maybe I just shouldn't tell her how I'm feeling.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

The feeling's back

Awesome!!!  I'm feeling really huge at the moment.  I really, really hate this feeling.  I need to run a million miles at the gym tomorrow.  I know I'm not going to want to go to the gym, especially since it's going to be super freezing out, but I need to.  It probably doesn't help that I'm pmsing too.

My eyes are tired.  It snowed a little hear.  My cat is purring really loudly, which I love, and he's all snuggled up next to me.

Maybe I'll wake up feeling 20 pounds thinner.  Any chance??  Probably not.

Friday, November 22, 2013

WIF Happens

So Charro was not thrilled with my choice of jeans today.  She's like "I see you wore your WIF jeans."  Yep, I did.  She said she wasn't going to weigh me today and she would next week, but then she changed her mind and said, "No, I need to get a weight on you so I'm going to weigh you today."  She said she was going to weigh my backwards because she said that I need to get use to not knowing my weight "at that moment" and then said, "because I know you weigh yourself anyway."  Then she asked how often I weigh myself and I responded with "when I go home."  She said, "Once a week."  I said, "Twice."  

Moving on, she was not exactly happy with the fact that I actually went on a "diet," but was maybe happy with the fact that I stopped the diet.  I don't know.  She was not very happy with me today.  I HATE when she uses my name too.  It makes everything so serious.

Anyway, she weighed me.  She forgot she was going to weigh me backwards because I stepped on the scale and she didn't make me turn around.  Maybe it's because she has a cold and had the stomach flu this week, her brain's not working right.  Who cares, I stepped on and she didn't make me turn around and my weight was exactly the same.

I stepped off the scale and she said nothing.  I HATE when she says nothing.  I said, "You don't have anything to say?  No comments or statements?  You always says something and I hate when you don't."  She said, "You were the same."  I said, "See, I've been the same for a year."  She said, "Not a year."  That was the end.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Done with the diet

I think I'm done with my diet.  I guess that just means that I'm not restricting as much as I was the past few days.  I guess that's a good thing.  I'm sure Charro is going to weigh me tomorrow.  I'll be ready.

I went to eat my breakfast yesterday and we only had whole milk.  I said, "We don't have any milk."  My mom said, "you're going to have to use the whole milk.  You're not going to gain 40 pounds from it."  Thanks mom.  Hmmm.

I'm making lunch.  Some of what I'm using expired 1 month ago.  It smelled a little funny but I'm using it anyway.  We'll see if I end up sick later.

I don't really have much else to report.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Diet talk

I told Charro that I need to go on a diet.  She responded exactly how I expected she would.  Of course she wanted me to "challenge that thought."  What's there to challenge, it is what it is.  I see the fat on my body.  She also wanted to know if I knew that my perception was distorted and that I am just seeing things.  I said, "No," because I am not imagining it, it's really there.

I told her that in the past I would just do it and not say anything to her.  I said, "at least I'm telling you this time."  Well, I failed to tell her that I actually started my little diet yesterday.  So far so good, I think.  It's not like I really want to lose weight, I just want to be smaller.  I want my stomach to be, not flat, concave.  Charro hates when I say that because she thinks "women are not supposed to have concave stomachs."  She always says that we're supposed to have fat on our bodies.  I don't need to have much, just enough to have my body function.

My diet will be broken at dinner tomorrow night because we're taking my dad out for dinner.  It will be back in session on Wednesday morning.  I'm sure that Charro will weigh me on Friday with all of this talk of not eating.  I'll be ready.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Diet time

It's official, I'm on a diet (that's a stupid word), which started when I woke up this morning.  I guess when you have an ED you don't really "go on diets" you just eat less than you already do.  For me, I need to really crack down on what I'm eating.  It's time for lots of veggies and no "treats."  I'm serious about this.  In the back of my head I know that this is not a good idea and that I shouldn't be doing this, but in the front of my head, I have to because I don't like the way I feel.  So, that's the deal.  Do I discuss this with Charro tomorrow?  I don't know.  I already know what she's going to say so it might not be worth it.  She'll say, "If you want to be all disordered, go ahead."  She always says that.  Well, I guess I want to be "all disordered," or maybe I just want to have a flat stomach and to get that back I need to do some things that may not be all that great, but won't kill me either.  We shall see.  It's go time.

I get to play field hockey today and it's not freezing out.  Yay!!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Popcorn and Footloose

Sometimes I wish I could live off of Fireballs, like I did in high school.  I was looking in the mirror today and I am looking pretty fat and gross and I'm so not okay with that.  I hate it.  Being tan makes me look better and right now I'm pasty white.

I just made airpopped popcorn with cayenne pepper.  I put a it too much pepper on it and now my nose is running.  I don't really have anything for dinner so I'll make egg whites on a wrap.  I'll probably do that soon, even though it's not even 4 PM yet.  My lunch wasn't that huge because I ran out of the soup that I made.  I ate the end of it.  It was good too.

I was out late last night and am going out tonight, so I might take a little cat nap.  Charro's favorite movie, Footloose, is on.  It was the first movie she ever went to.  Ha.  I didnt' know Sarah Jessica Parker was in this.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Instant reaction

Just got dressed, sat down on the couch, and plop...FAT ROLL hanging over my jeans.  My reaction "Oh my God, that's my fat.  I'm going to throw up."  That was about 60 seconds ago.  I'd like to vomit (I won't/don't do that) and I'd like to never eat again and run for 900 miles.  I want to throw.  I'll have to tell Charro this on Monday.

WIF, not today

Well, Charro did not weigh me today.  She said,  "Are you wearing your WIF jeans?"  I said, "No, I'm not.  I forgot about my WIF jeans.  I'm going to have to start wearing them every Friday."  She responded with, "If you want to be all eating disordered."  That was at the beginning of our sesh.  I thought she'd weigh me at the end, but she did not.  As I was getting ready to leave she said, "One of these days we're going to weigh you, but I'll keep it a surprise."  (awesome)  I said, "I'll be sure to wear my WIF jeans every Friday then."  She said "You better not."  I said, "What are you going to do, make me take them off."  She goes, "Um, no."  I said, "Exactly!"  

My cat was in my dream last night.  She was so real and it was so nice.  In my dream I knew she was dead, but I could still feel her and see her, like she was real.  I said to my co-worker, because we were in the office with my cat, "I don't care if no one else can see her or feel her, I can and that's all that matters."

I'm starving.  I'm going to lunch with a friend today.  This place I've been dying to try since I found out about it last week.  I mentioned it to Charro and she was like "I've been there."  Geez, really?  She said it's good but wants to know what I think about it.

My arm is going to fall off because I just carried a gallon of paint several blocks.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Will she or won't she?

Will Charro weigh me tomorrow or not?  That's the big question.  I'm guessing that she will, since she was going to last week and totally forgot, or something.  Maybe it was her way of warning me that it was coming so I could be ready for it?  I don't know, but I'll be ready!!

So I ordered something, it says it was delivered, yet there is no sign of it downstairs, which is not okay.  I need this package, it's my new eyeglasses.  I need to see if they're going to fit and work and stuff.

I made an appointment to see the butt doctor for the day after Christmas.  I figured that it makes sense, since I will be home, but I'd rather do it after the first of the year so I can meet my deductible sooner.  I called to see if I can change it, just waiting for a call back.

I'm making cookies.  The dough has to refrigerate for an hour, it's almost time to bake them.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I'll get there

I have absolutely no desire to go to the gym this morning.  I'll get there, it's just going to be a little later than usual.  I'll do some work and then go.  I plan on running...we'll see how that goes.

Oh, I have to call and make a few doctor's appointments too.  Well, one, maybe two, if I decide to call a sports med guy for my hip situation.

I need to get my humidifier out, it's getting dry in my apartment.  I do not like winter!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The heat is on

I was meeting with an old client today, who hasn't been using our company in a long time so has become a new client again.  Anyway, I was meeting with him and as we were finishing up he asked me if I would like some coffee.  I decline.  Then he said, "Is your boss (he said his name) not paying you enough.  You need to eat some more."  He either said that or "You need to get some meat on you."  I just found that to be really funny because he is well over 300 pounds and the other woman I was meeting with is also overweight.  I actually didn't even pay any attention to their size until he then said something like, "You don't see any skinny people here."  I'm glad they're back to being my clients because they're nice people and I like doing work with nice people.

Okay, I'm just going to say it...It's F'n COLD out.  I am so NOT okay with this.  It snowed this morning.  Yeah, white stuff fell from the sky and landed on my grass.  I do not like that.

I think my heat is finally fixed.  That's a good thing.  I think my window is open so I should probably shut that.  

Monday, November 11, 2013

Talking about TT

I had a productive sesh with Charro today.  I had stuff to talk about, which was good.  I said, "Oh, that first 15 minutes went by fast."  She goes, "Maybe it's because you're actually talking."  Perhaps.  I was telling her about this woman I know from my gym at home, who I'm sort of friends with but not really.  I call her "TT" because I met her on the treadmill and she is a therapist.  Long story short, she came to stay with me for a night or two about a year ago and she is completely eating disordered and in such denial about it.  Not only that, but she kept trying to tell me that I don't have an eating disorder when I was coming clean about it.  That's not cool.  

Anyway, she called me yesterday and I might have written about it but I don't remember.  I haven't spoken to her since she left my apartment that day over a year ago.  I can't deal with her complete denial, so I haven't spoken to her.  (We didn't much at all anyway).  Well she called to tell me that the past year of her life has been a mess...she wants out of her marriage and thinks she likes women.  Seriously, why do I keep hearing about women leaving their husbands for other women?  She said it's been really tough, which is why she's reaching out to me.  Oh yeah, and her eating is really bad.  So yea, that's probably why she's reaching out to me.  I can't deal with her until she's ready to admit that she has a problem.  She wants me to call her when I'm in town.  I don't really want to hang out with her.

So Charro and I talked about that a lot today.

I was sitting there talking and all of a sudden I thought about how weird it is that I just sit there and talk to her.  It's a bizarre concept.  Weird, if you ask me.  I just don't get it.  Weird!!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Just chillin

I was going to walk across town this morning to see a friend, but I'm being lazy and don't want to.  I slept late and don't feel like rushing to get over there before she's done with work.  After all, I don't think she really cares if I stop by or not, but it's fun, I'm just not feeling it today.  I left my apartment at 8:30 yesterday morning and didn't get back until 10:30 PM.  I just want to sit here and do nothing, except clean, until I go play field hockey.  Besides, my kitty misses me.  

I feel like I've been eating a lot and I hate that feeling.  I met some friends for an early dinner yesterday and I was so full after. I hate being full.  I can't wait to weigh myself when I get home tomorrow.

I still can't believe Charro forgot to weigh my on Friday.  What a sigh of relief I let out when I got out of that office.  :)

Maybe I'll eat my sticks now.

Friday, November 08, 2013

That was a close call

I totally got of WIF today.  I left my apartment not completely prepared to be weighed, since Charro hasn't weighed me since July and I kept going "ready" to be weighed, only to not get weighed.  So this morning, I was like, eh, I'll just go as is because she won't weigh me.  Well, I get there and we were chatting and she said, "I should weigh you today and we should do it blind."  I said, "No, I don't think so."  She's like, "Yeah, we haven't weighed you in a while and it would be good to do it blind so I have a record and you get use to it."  I was like, "No."  She said, "You didn't come in all prepared."  I said, "No."  Ha.  If only she knew.  So of course I was not really looking forward to that given that I probably wasn't going to be at the weight she says I need to be at.  I drank my water, trying to not be too obvious that I was drinking more than usual.  We kept talking and at the end of the sesh, she was carrying on about something and I was thinking about how I was hoping she wouldn't WIF me.  Well, I saw that time was up and so I stood up and grabbed my stuff and she totally didn't say anything about weighing me, so I quickly put on my coat and got the hell out of there before she remembered that she wanted to weigh me.  YES!! One point for me.  I felt like I totally escaped that one and was lucky to get out without being weighed.  Here's the lesson I take from this, ALWAYS go ready to be weighed, which I have done up until today.  I knew that would happen.

I think I need a nap today.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Charro and Kruger, together

I had a funny dream last night.  Charro and Kruger were in it.  I was out with a bunch of friends and they were out with us.  Everyone was pretty drunk, which is random, but whatever.  I was the only sober one but was acting like a drunk person.  It was like 2 AM and we were all still out and then we had to go back to some one's place to get something or change or something and I was there with Charro, Kruger and two of my friends.  I thought it was a little weird but I also though, "Wow, they're fun and Kruger is actually really funny," which was the most shocking thing to me.  I grabbed my friend and was like "Kruger is really funny and I'm really surprised about that."  I don't really know what happened in the dream, but we were all acting crazy and having a good time.

I'm sure I had this dream because I was on the train with some drunk guys last night.

My friend just called and asked me if I wanted to grab lunch but I declined.  I told her I was waiting for the plumber, which is true, although I don't need to be here for him.  I just don't feel like going out.  I got home after 1 this morning and it's raining out and I just want to stay here until I have to go out later.  

Charro tomorrow.  It's going to be freaking cold so I can wear a lot of layers.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Nice Autumn Day

The past few days have been pretty uneventful, which is a good thing, I guess.  I've just been working and doing stuff.  I haven't lost any weight, because I've weighed myself a few times in the past two days, so whatever people are seeing is not real.  I mean, yeah, maybe I lost 1 pound, but that's not least not enough for Charro to notice.

Oh yeah, I was productive on the train yesterday, after a little snooze.  I made my list for Charro.  It's basically a list of why I do and do not think I have an ED.  I don't really know how helpful this list is going to be, but I thought I'd compose it anyway.

I feel like I have a hairball in my throat.  

I ran on the treadmill this morning, but only 3.5 miles, and then I moved onto another machine.  My right hip/leg felt weird, like I needed to pop it or snap it or something and I was sick of running so I did the elliptical.  

I'm going to hang out with my brother and sister tonight, which will hopefully be good.

My mom and I went out to dinner last night and I was so not hungry, but I had to eat.  I really hate eating when I'm not hungry.  I didn't eat that much and just finished my dinner for lunch, which Charro would totally hate because "Italians don't do doggy bags."  Well you know what, Americans do!?  :)  And I do too!!

Well, that's all.  It would be so nice to go "unprepared" for WIF to my sesh's on Fridays, but the one time I d that will be the one time she weighs me.

Monday, November 04, 2013


I find out a lot about Charro during our sesh's sometimes.  Today, I found out that she has a little bit of a fear of bridges.  I also found out that she was "a surprise" and that she's an only child.  Hmm, interesting.  This all came about because on Friday she asked if I was "a surprise," since I'm 5 years younger than my sister.  I said that I didn't know and was a little offended because if I was "a surprise" then I wasn't wanted.  She said, "I didn't mean that at all.  I think it's a nice thing."  So I brought that up with her again today and that's when she told me that she was "a surprise."

I'm going to make a real list for her of stuff for Friday.  I'm going to start working on that today.  I may have to babysit in a little bit, if not, I'll start it after this post, or after I throw in some laundry.

I am full.  I hate feeling full.  I've noticed that I have back fat know the flab that hangs over your bra strap near the back of your armpit.  Ugh.  That is NOT okay.  

I guess I should wrap this up in case I have to leave in a minute.  Babysitting is the best money ever!

Sunday, November 03, 2013

No marathons

It's 25 degrees colder than it was yesterday.  NOT okay!!  I am sort of watching the NYC marathon from my window.  I can hear the cheering.  I went outside to watch for a few minutes and then came back into my warm apartment.  I'm heading out in a few to play field hockey.  I better get a good workout.  

I hate daylight savings time.  It gets dark so early.  It's so sad.

People are always telling me that I should run a marathon, that I'd be so good at it.  Um, I HATE running and do NOT want to run a marathon.  Why can't people just accept that.  I do not want to run 26.2 miles people.  I don't even want to run 4 miles, but I do it because I have to.

I guess I should get ready for field hockey.

Friday, November 01, 2013

There's number two

Someone else told me today that I looked like I had lost weight.  He said my face looked thinner.  I responded with "Really?  You're the second person to say that to me."  I guess I'm totally fine with that as long as Charro or my parents don't think that I've lost weight.  I think Charro would have weighed me if she though I looked thinner.  She didn't weigh me so she must not think I look any different.  My parents would have said something to me too, which they did not, so that's a good thing.  Those are the three people who I do not need to say something to me or to think that I've lost weight.  I really haven't so I don't know why people think I have.  That's cool though.

My sesh with Charro was pretty uneventful.  I explained to her how I'm totally not orthorexic, but she disagrees.  I was like, "I don't eat only healthy things and I'm definitely focused on my weight and body."  It's almost like I have to prove to her that I'm not orthorexic and have to be more anorexic.  We discussed that a bit as well, how I need to be something if I am called something.

My blogger is being so weird.

I don't really have any plans for tomorrow, which is kind of nice.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Haven't had that question in a while

Someone asked me if I had lost weight yesterday.  I haven't gotten that question in a long time, and yesterday, I liked being asked it.  It's someone I don't know all that well and it caught me off guard, but I wasn't fumbling around for answers like I usually do with people I know better.  I haven't really lost weight, but I'll take it anyway.  Let's just hope Charro doesn't do a surprise WIF tomorrow.

I am going to teach my class tonight dressed up in my costume, although I don't think anyone is going to show up, so I'm thinking that I'll go there for 10 minutes and get paid and then leave.  I'm totally fine with that.

My walk to Charro tomorrow is going to suck because the weather is supposed to be really crappy.  Maybe I'll get lucky and it won't be too bad.  Waking up that early is also going to kill me because I'm still on Central time.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Fall and cold feet

My feet are freezing.  I'm getting ready to head out in a few minutes.  I've weighed myself a few times since I've been home and I am pleasantly surprised by the number.  Let's hope Charro doesn't decide to have a surprise WIF on Friday.  She still says that she'll do random weigh-ins but hasn't done one yet.  Hopefully this won't be the week, or there will never be a week that she does it.  No need for that.

I'm supposed to go back for a follow-up for this study I did a year ago, but I haven't heard from them yet.  I guess I'll email them next week if I don't hear from them.  Maybe I'll run into Steph.  That would be nice.  

I also filled out a survey to do an online study but I haven't heard back from them so maybe I didn't qualify.  I thought for sure that I would, but I also had an issue receiving their emails so maybe that was the problem too.  Maybe they emailed me the rest of the questions and I just never got them.  Who knows.  Oh well.

Time for a haircut.

Monday, October 28, 2013


I went to the gym this morning, but only for 30 minutes because I slept late and had to get back for work.  I already wrote about that.  I ran to Charro's, but my head felt a little weird so I ended up walking towards the end.  

It was nice to see Charro.  She goes, "Oh, I have something for you.  I've been carrying it around in my purse for two weeks."  It was a card for a free 30 minute medical massage.  She's looking out for my physical health, which is very nice. :)  

So, she told me today that I'm orthorexic.  This is the second time she has said that.  I told her that it's not a real disorder and that I'd rather be anorexic than orthorexic, if I am going to have an ED because at least it's a real one.  She and I discussed that for a bit and then right before I left I said something like, "If I'm going to be that I better starve myself."  I don't remember what I said exactly but she was very intrigued by it and even wrote it down because she said that we need to talk about that on Friday.  She said, "I wish I had time right now because I'd really love to explore that."  That's when she took out her phone and wrote it in her "notes."

I'm hungry but I don't know what I want.

Back to it

I got home late last night to a very stinky apartment.  My friend brought in all my plants and the basil is stinking up the joint.  It smells like cat pee.  I know there is no cat pee here because there were no cats here while I was gone.  It really smells. 

I've had a headache since Wednesday.  Not sure what's up with that.  I am so freaking tired right now too.  I woke up late so I only had a quick workout at the gym.  I'm going to run to Charro's to finish it up.  I think I might fall asleep, at least I can do that on the train later.

I cannot wait to get home and weigh myself.  Actually, I'll only be happy if it's good.  If it's not good, then I will have to fix that.

On my work call now.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Probable stomach grumbles

I'm most likely going to wake up starving tonight since I didn't eat dinner.  No one ate dinner tonight because we had a late lunch and then were out tonight.  Yeah, so I'm already hungry and I'm not sure what's here to eat so I'm not even going to check.  I'll eat in the morning.  I didn't work out today anyway.

Tomorrow I will run or go for a bike ride.  Tomorrow night I head back home. :(  I'll miss my nieces and my bro, but it will be nice to see my kitty boy.

I tried to weigh myself but the scale was very wrong.  I can weigh myself on Monday.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Everything's bigger in Texas, including me

Here's an update, I need to starve myself and get skinny.  My middle is huge and my hamthighs are nasty.  I had to cover them on my flight last Sunday.  I couldn't deal with how huge they are.  Ew.  I look like I'm pregnant all of the time and I hate that.

I'm full from dinner, which wasn't very tasty but whatever.  I've had a headache for three days.  I love hanging with my adorable nieces.  I love them to death.  We have an early morning tomorrow.

I ran and went for a bike ride this morning.  I rode to school to have lunch with my niece.  I had lunch with the younger one yesterday.  They're so cute.

Okay, bed time.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sad Lunch

Well hello, not that anyone's reading, but whatever.  I've left Austin and am now hanging with my brother and his family for the next few days.  Austin was a blast.  I ran twice, saw some cool stuff, sang on stage with 2 guitar players.  I did about 8 or 9 songs, which was pretty cool.  I had 3 hours of sleep that night so I'm still trying to recover.

In other news, my stomach is fat and I need to get rid of it.  I was going to have a phone sesh with Charro tomorrow but I canceled it because I think my bro will be around.  I'll see her on Monday.  I will run tomorrow and bike ride too. 

I went to have lunch with my little niece today and her friend was quite chatty.  She was eating her lunch and said, "I have to eat healthier.  I'm going to the doctor in two months so they can check my weight.  This is the first time they've done that."  I felt SO bad for this girl, who is only 6 years old and not too fat.  Made me sad.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Exploring the city

Running is a great way to see a city.  My coworker and I will be heading in a different direction today to check out an area that we told was cool.  It's going to be stinky when I have to run by myself on Thursday.  Oh well.

The weather is great.  I haven't had any freakouts about food/weight stuff, so that's good.  I'm not getting as much sleep as I'd like, but I can do that tomorrow night when I leave here. 

I'm going to have to go wake my coworker up so we can go running.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Sauna time

Just got back from a run and it was nice because I didn't have to go alone.  It was a good workout.  I am so out of freaking shape, I can't stand it.  I'm about to go in the sauna here at the house.  Bring it on, baby.

I had lunch at 5pm EST, which was 4 PM here, therefore I did not want dinner when we went out for dinner at like 9 PM.  I got dessert and called it a night.  I have a lot of it leftover too.  It was apple pie and it was good.

Okay, time to go steam myself.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Packing break

It's going to be colder down south than I thought it was.  I'm currently packing and am over packing, as usually, but I need to pack business clothes, workout clothes and hanging out clothes.  Not an easy task.  Business and workout attire are done, not for warmer stuff and hanging out stuff.  Black jeans and regular blue jeans.  I need to move onto the shorts.  Bikinis are packed.  I'll just bring two pairs of shorts and keep wearing them, if need be.

I'm tired.  Hopefully I can take a nap before I go out tonight.  I've ordered a car to pick me up in the morning.  I'm good to go.  Have I mentioned how much I hate packing!?  Crap, I need to paint my toe nails.

My parents were here yesterday and stayed over.  It was nice.   I wish they didn't leave so early but I had to teach and they wanted to beat the traffic.  They took my little guy with them, which was very sad.  :(  I miss him but he will be happier at home with people, and running around at my house.

I guess I should get back to packing.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

French fries

It smelled like French fries when I was walking home from the gym.  They smelled really good.  I kept walking, after all, I made 300 pounds of veggie stir fry today.  Ugh, I made way too much and there's no way that I'm going to eat it all before I go away.  I don't even want it anymore.  Maybe my mom will eat it.  I'm guessing that she won't, but whatever.

I'm having a toe situation.  I'm not really sure what it's about and I can't really explain it, but I have a stabbing pain in the pad of my big toe, but only sometimes.  It's weird and I can't figure it out on Google.  Ha.

I need to really get this packing thing happening.  I guess I can do it tomorrow maybe?  Ugh.


I have to pack for my upcoming trip.  The only thing I hate more than packing is unpacking.  I just checked the weather and it's not going to be as hot as I thought.  I have to rethink my clothing.  I wasn't going to bring very many warm clothes but it looks like I kind of have to.  It's only 61 degrees there now.  It's actually warmer here than it is there, which makes absolutely NO sense.  No sense, I tell ya.  The UV index is decent so I will work on my tan.

I will miss my little man.  My parents are coming to get him and take him home for the week.  It will be weird not having him in bed with me Saturday night and then when I get back.  He'll be much happier being there, with them, than being here all by himself with occasional visitors.  Hopefully he won't run around howling too much.  I cut his fingies so hopefully he won't scratch the furniture too much either. 

I need to do laundry, but someone beat me to the washing machines.  Oh well, they should be done by now.

Maybe I'll get skinny while I'm in Texas, or at least look skinny since "everything is bigger" in Texas.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Blubbering Over

So I didn't miraculously become thinner or feel thinner over night.  I feel my fat rolls folding over my shorts, which are too tight in the waste band.  I hate these shorts.  I hate the length of them and I hate how tight the waistband is.  I can't roll them because they bunch funny, so that's out of the question.  I'm hoping that they eventually become stretched out in the waistband, like all of my other work out shorts.  Why don't I change, you might ask?  Well, I'm about to go running in the park and I need to wear these because I attach my ipod to my shorts and my other, stretched out shorts, don't hold the ipod all that well.  So I shall stay in my uncomfortable, fat roll blubbering over, shorts. Yuck!  I really can't deal with fat rolls.

I'm hopefully going to run well.  My leg is still a little funky and my hip is burning a bit, but whatever, it is what it is.  I need to run and I need to get my ass into shape.  I plan on playing field hockey with my team today, which means that I have to pack my shin guards and mouth guard.  I worry more about my teeth than my shins, but whatever.  Bring it on!  These girl look at us like we're superstars when we play with them, it's kind of nice. 

That's all I've got.  Oh, I just thought it was Thursday but it's not. :(


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Man Hands

I just love when I feel fat and huge.  Ugh.  I have a feeling that I'm going to spend much of my week next week feeling the same way, since I'll be away on business and I feel like all we do is eat.  I am going to run and am bringing my jump rope.  Maybe next week will jumpstart my running program.  I'll run Monday and Tuesday and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and maybe Sunday but I don't know.  Maybe I can rope my brother into doing some sort of physical activity with me.  I'm sure he won't be up for that.  Ha.

The man on the train with me fell asleep and his hand landed on my thigh.  That was awkward.  I moved and almost sat on his hand, he woke up and moved it.  I probably squished it.

It's so nice to be back with my little guy.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Rolling, Rolling

My sesh with Charro was good today.  I told her I was annoyed.  That was pretty much the first thing I said when I walked in.  Then I proceeded to tell her all of the people/things that were annoying me.  She goes, "Are you going to get your period?"  I said, "No."  In almost 7 years, she's never asked me that question.  

Oh, so she brought up dating and was like, "Any contenders?  You were on a roll there for a while."  I said, "No" and then she asked about the hot Italian that I met in Little Italy.  I said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about him."  She goes, "You could always have a one night stand."  I said, "I'm not a one night stand kind of gal."  She said, "Oh yeah, that's right.  Remember when you freaked out when I asked you if you kissed a guy?  You don't talk about that stuff."  She's right, I don't.

I had my mom roll my leg out with a rolling pin tonight.  Much better when someone else does it for you.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.  Charro said that I HAVE to get this taken care of and I should "go for a professional massage and not to someone in China town."  Ha.  She knows me too well.  

I guess I'll go to bed now because I'm meeting my friend at the gym in the morning.  Hopefully she won't oversleep like last time.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Out of shape

I'm annoyed that I haven't heard from my hip doctor, when it says on the site that they'll get back to you within two business days.  I'm also annoying that I haven't heard from my landlord lady, who I've emailed twice since August.  She's a pain in the ass anyway and she never responds to anything.  I'm going to write a nasty note next time I send my rent check in.

I want my flat stomach back and I want to be in awesome shape.  I need someone to train me and force me to get into awesome shape.  I saw this soccer chick training and doing sprints today and it was so depressing because I'm not in that kind of shape.  All of us field hockey girls were like, "well that's depressing."  I just feel fat and out of shape.

Dancing Queen

I decided last night, upon walking back from a party, that I need to move more...aka, workout more or walk more, but mostly work out more to burn more calories because I'm eating more than I use to.  Yep, clearly a disordered thought, but it is what it is.  Charro said that it would be great for me, when I go away next week, to not work out at all.  I was like, "Do you want to receive 47 emails from me?"  I will be on a business trip and my boss rents a house, so I'm in a house with 10 of my co-workers for 4 days.  That's 4 days of eating and doing everything together.  I will have my jump rope and sneakers with me!!  My boss already told me he wanted to run together, so that's good, yet not really comfortable because then we have to talk the whole time.  I don't know what we'll talk about.  I love talking when I run, but not with my boss.  Ha.

People at the party I was at last night kept telling me what a great dancer I am.  I laughed hysterically.  Actually, one girl came up to me and asked me if I was a dancer.  I cracked up and said, "What?"  I am the worst dancer.  I definitely have rhythm, but I can't dance, which is why it was so funny that people kept telling me they loved my dancing.  Perhaps they were making fun of me.  :)

Why does my cat howl all of the time?

I had a dream that Charro offered to pick me up in her car and drive me to her office.  She was like, "you have to keep this on the DL."  I was like, "yeah, obviously."  She felt bad because she had to cut my sesh short by 35 minutes so she wanted to make it up to me the following week by picking me up and starting our sesh early. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

The Skype sesh

I had my Skype sesh with Charro.  It was weird at first, probably because we are in our own homes and all comfy and I can see myself in the screen, which I hate, but I ended up liking it for some of those reason stated...not seeing myself though.

I showed her LB and that was cute.  He was all curled up on my bed sleeping.  She asked if he was really soft, which I thought was funny.

Charro was trying to untangle her necklaces the whole time, which I kept commenting on, and I was twisting myself up in my shirt, which she made fun of.  I could get use to this Skype business.

I brought up WIF, since I was safe in my own apartment and she couldn't weigh me, and she said that it may make an appearance.  I told her that I would buy a scale if she weighed me and she's like "Is that a threat?"  I said, "No, that's the truth.  If you're going to weigh me then I'm buying a scale."  She said she may shake it up a bit and weigh me at the other office.  I reminded her how that didn't really work out last time because she tried to weigh me on the carpet and I weighed "75 lbs" there.  I laughed.  She said, "I'll weigh you in the kitchen (which is a open area, but tile floor) or in the bathroom."  I said, "I don't think so."  I would refuse and it's not like she's going to pick me up and carry me into the bathroom to weigh me.  Let's just say, I'll go in prepared for a "random WIF" next Friday.

I would love if my hip doctor, who I've emailed twice in the past week now, would get back to me.  I would also love it if this knot in my leg would go away!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Too late for a "real" dinner

I should probably eat something for dinner, but it's late now and I don't want to.  I'm not starving and I did have a little snack when I got home a little while ago, so I don't really think I need to eat anything for a real dinner.  I'll probably go to bed soon, so there's no real need.  I don't need much energy to sleep for 9 hours. 

I have one of those painful zits in my ear.  I wish I could see it.

Skype sesh with Charro tomorrow.  I don't know if I'll go to the gym first or not.  I may just go after or have that be my day off.  Speaking of knots, mine is still going strong in my IT Band.  I can't roll it out anymore.

My cat meows all the time now and I don't know why.

Stupid insurance.  Mine is messed up and I don't want to call about it because I'm afraid they'll make me pay more.  So my insurance will only pay $51 of my sesh with Charro, but when I got my statement for last month I noticed it payed $63 dollars.  Weird!  So I looked and for July and August it payed $63 dollars.  The "allowed coverage" was 100%, which is 90 dollars.  That was for July and August, therefore it only cost me $27/sesh.  I didn't want to call about it because I was getting more money back.  Well, I just looked at my September statement and it's back to only "allowing" $74 dollars instead of the full $90, which means it's back to only paying $51.  I don't get it.  I'm going to ask Charro, not like she'll have any answers for me, but still.  That probably made no sense.

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Knot again

I have another knot in my left.  It's right in my IT Band, which is a painful spot in general, so having a knot in there is not fun.  I rolled on it for a while this afternoon and I just got home and rolled on it again, but only for about 2 seconds because it's so painful to try and work out.  I got some muscle rub, so maybe that will numb it out a little so I can rub it out more.

I emailed my hip doctor again today because I never got a response.  I emailed her on Friday and it says they'll respond within 2 business days, but that didn't happen so I emailed again today.  Hopefully I'll hear from her tomorrow.

There are a couple of girls who I coach who are little sticks.  I feel huge near them. One of them told me I needed to eat some of the desserts that they brought because I was skinny.  Um, okay, look who's talking here...skinny minny.

I want to go to bed early tonight.  I'm not really hungry so I don't know what I'll have for dinner, nothing big, that's for sure.  I need to get some fruit.  I need to vacuum tonight too.  I'll do that soon.

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Most likely a fleeting thought

I like the way my stomach looks right this second.  I say "right this second" because in 3 minutes I might not like the way it looks.  It looks and feels nice and flat right now.  Does that really matter in the grand scheme of my life?  No, but it still does matter a lot to me.  Yep, it does, call it what you want.  I wish I could feel like this all the time and like my stomach all of the time.  It actually makes me want to do some ab exercises.  I just got home from the gym but I did cardio and weights, no abs.  I'm sure this feeling will disappear as soon as I eat.

So after several years of observation, and only a few times of walking behind Charro, have I completely concluded that she walks like a duck.  I do not mean that in a mean way, like it sounds, but she does.  Her feet point out when she walks.  That's all I really have to say about that.

I guess I need to send Charro an invite for Skype, since we are chatting on Friday.  That's still so weird.

Monday, October 07, 2013

The almost pizza debacle

Getting the pizza was interesting today.  I called the place and they said that they don't do take out orders.  Okay, now it's 11:04 AM and my sesh is at 12.  I was planning on running down there, which is only 3 miles, but at this point I didn't know if I was going to make it there in time to order the pizzas and wait for them.  So, I ran to Grand Central and hopped on the subway and got to the pizza place at 11:36.  I ordered the pizzas and got to Charro's in plenty of time. 

Charro was excited.  We sat at the "kitchen table" and she was like "This is small, you can eat the whole thing."  I said, "No, you only make your group eat 3/4."  She said, "But this is smaller than the ones we order uptown."  I said, "No they're not."  (I have no idea. lol).  So, I got halfway through the pizza and got up to go sit on the couch.  I was doing it jokingly because I wouldn't leave her at the table by herself anyway, but she goes, "Um, where ya going?  You're not done."  I said, "Yeah, I'm full."  She goes, "You still have this much more to eat," then pointed out that her hands were clean because they were sort of on my pizza.  At one point she said, "Can you speed this up?  You have 5 more minutes."  I told her I was going to "throw" only because I know she hates when I say that.  :)  She has now banned me from saying anything that has to do with vomiting.

Friday we are having our Skype session.  That should be funny.

It's so freaking windy out.  I got to school only to find out that practice was canceled.  Glad no one notified me.  I guess walking an extra 2 miles was good for me since I only ran for 20 minutes.  I was going to go running with my friend now but it's pouring out so I wimped out.  I don't mind the rain but I didn't want to get caught in the lightening.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Pizza Day

I should probably eat dinner, but I'm not really feeling it.  I had a yogurt.  I should eat something else but I don't really know what I want.  I could eat some fruit, but I'm not really in the mood.

I've been busy posting my photos up on a site so I can try and sell them.  That would be a nice thing.

I played field hockey this afternoon, which was super fun, as always! 

Tomorrow I will eat pizza with Charro, which will not be super fun.  My eye is so itchy, it's going to fall out.  I wonder if I'm going to feel like puking after this pizza lunch?  I'm clearly not going to make myself puke, but I wonder if I will be so full that I will feel like it.

Saturday, October 05, 2013

Almost delivery

I taught aerobics and went for a bike ride today.  It was so nice out.  I'm heading out tonight to hear some live music.  I have to get ready but I don't feel like.  I think my cat is lonely and doesn't want me to leave.  I don't have anything I have to do tomorrow until 3 PM, which is great, then it's field hockey time!  Yay.

Monday I have to pick up pizzas for Charro and me.  Awesome.  She says I have to eat 3/4 of the pizza.  I'm going to pretend she just said 1/2 and hope she forgets.  She said that her ED groups have to eat 3/4 so I'm guessing that she'll remember that that's what she told me.  Doozy.  I'll probably run to my appointment, not because I'm eating pizza, just because it beats going to the gym in the morning.  She's not going to love that and will think that I'm running because of the pizza.  I will have to explain to her, but she won't believe me anyway.  Oh well, she doesn't have to, I guess.  She says that she usually eats the whole thing.  Good for her, she can eat the whole thing, she's tall and thin and apparently hungrier than I am.  I can't help it if I'm not that hungry.  Monday should be interesting.  I can't wait to walk into the waiting room carrying two pizzas, that's not going to look nuts, especially when this other therapist walks out and sees this.  She'll clearly know why I'm there and then she'll think "She's not even skinny, so this doesn't make sense."  Ugh.  I'll have to bring that one up with Charro.  She'll like to delve into that.