Sunday, September 30, 2012

I would want to vomit

So my friend who is staying with me (she goes home tomorrow) has eaten nothing but crap the whole time she's been here.  It really makes me want to vomit.  She's been eating these scones everyday, which is nuts.  I don't think there's anything wrong with scones, but EVERYday??  So, today she had a scone and a lot of dessert that we made last night for a party we went to today.  She had some for breakfast with the scone, then at the party (she didn't eat the other stuff there) and then for dinner along with a piece of pizza.  Now, I love this dessert too, but it's all sugar and butter and chocolate, so it's really rich and sweet and if you eat more than a few pieces you want to puke because it's so sweet.  I don't know how she is eating that all and doesn't feel disgusting.  I'm not even talking ED wise, I mean just in general.  How can one eat all of that sugar and crap?  It just doesn't make you feel well.  I hear her eating more too.  It really disgusts me.

I see Charro tomorrow and Tuesday and then not again until Oct. 12.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Still in bed

I'm getting ready to head out for a run, okay, that's a lie, I'm still sitting in my bed because it's cold and my couch is being utilized by my friend so I'm not sitting there.  I have to get ready to head out for a run, which I don't really want to do, but I have to so I will.

I don't know when I'll listen to my sesh from yesterday, since I don't know when I'll have time to myself.  So, I'm just not writing down the "bad" things that Charro says I shouldn't be eating.  I know I'm supposed to write everything down, but I'm just not going to do that.  I may throw in things like a banana or something instead, just to write foods down.  I don't really care at this point.  I have no interest in doing this stupid food log so I'll just write some things down and make some things up.

Okay, it looks like it's going to rain and it's cold out.  I hope I don't get rained on.

Friday, September 28, 2012

WIF, Round 4

I survived WIF, round 4.  I didn't think it was going to be good, but luck was in my favor.  I got completely drenched on  my way there so my sneakers and jeans were soaked and heavy, which probably helped on the scale.  Charro forgot to weigh me at the beginning, so I had time to drink some water in there.  I also had my jacket on, so I had lots of things working in my favor.  She said I'm gaining "slowly" but whatever, I don't have to do it fast.   She didn't think my food logs were great because I "eat too much candy."  Um, I'm definitely eating crappy because my friend is here.  There's a solution to this problem, I just won't write down candy if I eat it. :)  That will work out.

I'm probably going to get weighed on Tuesday because I don't see her next Friday.  The following Friday is the day I'm supposed to be at 102, which means 103-104 on her scale, but I tried to tell her that that's not fair since I won't be seeing her for a while because she's gone and then I'm gone.  She didn't totally disagree with me.  I think she might go easy on me.  I don't really think she wants to fire me, but I think she will.  We'll see.  She's very adamant about me weighing 102, which, when I weighed myself this morning, I was totally not anywhere near that, but my battery is also dying in my scale too.  I got a new one yesterday but haven't put it in yet.  So, that's the dealio.

I am freezing so I should probably put on some clothes.  I have practice in an hour and I'm going to teach these girls aerobics since our game was canceled.  I'll make it extra hard. :)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wiffy WIF

It's time for WIF again tomorrow.  Awesome.  My favorite day of the week.  Sense the sarcasm.  I have to get a new battery for my scale because mine keeps saying "low bat."  I can't have that happen when I'm preparing for WIF.

Not sure what my friend and I are going to do today.  The weather really isn't cooperating so our plan to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge is a bust.  I'm okay with that though.  I may take her to a bakery that's pretty well known for their cookies.

I have to make sure that I don't lose weight when I get weighed tomorrow.  My plan is to go in there the same weight that I was last week, that way she won't be expecting much.  If I lose weight I'll get a lecture and she'll be pissed.  I don't want that (the lecture, that is).

I need to do some laundry and now would probably be a good time to do that.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My family and their bodies

So my family is not made up of big people.  We're all pretty small.  That being said, if my sister, who is 5 years older than I am, was in Charro's ED program she would be fired for being underweight.  My sister does not have an eating disorder.  She eats whatever she wants and doesn't work out all that much, she's just skinny.  My mom, when she was my age, would also be considered anorexic by Charro's charts, and she definitely eats whatever she wants.  What I'm saying here is that nobody in my family is big and I feel like Charro is forcing me to gain weight when my body probably doesn't want to be at a higher weight.  I've clearly manipulated my weight in the past, but now I am pretty normal.  I guess I'm kind of at the point where if Charro wants to fire me because I'm not at the magical 102, then that's what's going to happen.  I can't pretend or mess with it, it is what it is.

So, I have WIF on Friday and I'm just going to go in there, probably at the same weight as I was at last week, and she's going to have to deal with that.  No games.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I chose sleep

I chose sleep over food last night.  I did have a yogurt.  I had to email Charro some scheduling stuff so I also wrote how she wasn't going to be happy with my dinner choice, or lack there of.  She wrote back and said that "as someone recovering from an eating disorder, it is not okay to skip dinner, no matter how tired you are.  It's just not an option. I imagine you wouldn't let someone you love go to sleep with just a yogurt for dinner. It's disordered and not healthy for body or mind."  I have to say, and she brings up the "you wouldn't let someone you love..." business a lot and I have to say, I would let someone I love go to bed if they had only eaten a yogurt.  I would also let them go to bed if they didn't eat anything.  If they eat normally the rest of the time, I don't see what the problem is about skipping a meal.  (And yes, I eat normally the rest of the time).  She doesn't get that sometimes I don't have to eat.

I need to get a battery for my scale because mine's dying.  I just tried to buy one but I didn't know there were so many different ones and I need the number for the one I need.  I'll have to get it when I'm back in NYC.

I'm still so tired.  I can't wait to sleep tonight.  My nephews are sleeping over, which is very exciting since I haven't seen them in a long time. 

I'm starving and ready for dinner but we have to wait for everyone to get here.  Maybe I'll sneak a piece of chicken.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Sleep is better than food

I am so exhausted that I'm about to head to bed.  I have been going to bed way too late and waking up too early.  My friend is out tonight so I just want to go to bed.  I got home at 8 PM and am just too tired to even eat dinner, which Charro will not be thrilled about, but I can't think about anything other than sleep.

I think I might have given myself a concussion today, but maybe I didn't.  I'm hoping that I didn't because what happened was stupid and really, really lame if I got a concussion from it.  I felt spacy and had a headache after the fact, and felt weird a bit while sitting in Charro's office.  I told her that I thought I gave myself a concussion, but then told her that I was joking, because she asked.  I said, "Do you think I'd really tell you if I thought I got a concussion.  She said, "I would hope you would.  You should."  Hmm, nah because then she'd make me go see a doctor or something stupid.

I have 2 more WIFs left.  Well, I should have three but Charro will not be here next Friday, she's taking her birthday off.  I think she's turning 40.  I can't see her on Wednesday because I have a doctor's appointment at home, so I'm going to see her Monday and Tuesday, but I would think that she wouldn't weight me on Tuesday because she would have just weighed me on Friday.

I told her that I feel pregnant.  She asked me if I was okay with that and could get use to that.  I said no.

It doesn't seem like she really cares if I keep the food logs.  She's not adament about it.  Maybe by Friday I can get her to let me stop. ;)  I definitely don't think I can do it while I'm on my business trip.

Charro said "The healthiest people are those on the Mediterranean  diet."  Yeah yeah.  I asked her if she eats her entire meal everytime she goes out and she said yes.  I said, "You probably go to fancy restaurants where the portions are like (this big)."  She was like, "Yeah right, that's me." 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

"This isn't working"

Charro said that "this treatment isn't working," if she has to keep trying to convince me that I had an ED.  She said she shouldn't have to do that every time she sees me.  I forgot what else she said and I can't listen to it because my friend is here and that would be weird.

I need to get dressed and eat breakfast, but I'm not hungry.  I am doing a half ass job at these stupid food logs because I'm never home to write things down and it's not like I can just whip out the sheet of paper Charro gave me and write things down with my friend here.

I have been doing nothing but eating crap while she's been here, because she keeps bringing me food and I have to eat it.  Charro would be pleased.

I guess I should eat breakfast now.

Friday, September 21, 2012

WIF, Round 3 - winner (and threesomes?)

I succeeded in my WIF round today.  I got on the scale and Charro weighed me and said, "Okay, I won't ask you to speed up the process, but."  It was funny.  She should be happy that I weighed more. 

So, the dreaded food log finally came out.  She couldn't find the sheets she was trying to give to me, so she gave up.  As soon as she gave up, she found them.  DOOZY!  So now I'm keeping food logs.  Oh how I love food logs.  I told her that I'm not writing things down until the end of the day, but she didn't like that idea because she said we tend to forget.  Well, that might be the way it is.

So, I told Charro that I saw the "Italian affair couple."  (This couple that I'd see every Wednesday morning when I walked by this coffee shop on the way to see her.  In my mind they were Italian and they were having an affair).  Well, they live near me so I told her that I saw them in my neighborhood.  I said, "I wonder if they recognize me?"  She goes, "Maybe you'll find out that they're married to each other, not Italian and they've been married for 40 years and want to have a threesome with you.  They might want to bring you in for something new."  HAHAHAHA!  Those were not her exact words, but pretty close.  SO freaking funny. She was a nut today because she had "real coffee,'  (caffeine)  I can't believe she said threesome to me.  Ha.  She's nuts.

So, I want to listen to our sesh because I forgot some things that we talked about and said about this weighing/weight thing.  I don't know when I'll be able to listen, since my friend is here.  I'll figure it out.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

WIF - Round 3 prep

Tomorrow is WIF, round 3.  Hmmm...not fun.  As we get further into the WIF rounds, the most stressed out I get about them.  If I don't hit 100 tomorrow, which I should given the clothing I will be wearing, and the fact that my friend brought me all of this food from Nashville, I will have to keep a food log.  If I don't hit 100, Charro is going to ream me out and I'm not going to want to hear it.  She gets that tone in her voice, the same tone that my mom gets when she's telling me to take care of my crap when I go home.  I HATE that tone!!  Not cool from my mom and not cool from Charro.  So, we'll see how this goes.  I can't really come back in a bad mood either because my friend is here.  I'm not good at faking a good mood when I'm really pissed off.

So my friend and I are heading out for the day.  I still hate my phone.  Well, I sort of like it, but I might switch to the iPhone.  That's how it's looking at this point.

I had other stuff I was going to say.  Oh yeah, I had a dream I went to see Charro and I was chugging water because she was going to weigh me.  She kept saying she was going to weigh me and then kept forgetting.  I had a light windbreaker on with zip up pockets.  She was like, "What's in your pockets?"  I said, "Nothing, you can check."  So she checked one and then "I know you have stuff in the other pocket."  So I let her put her hand in it and there was nothing.  Now, I had cargo pants on and had my keys in one pocket.  She bumped into me and felt them and said, "What do we have here?"  I said, "Those are my keys, I just put them in there because I was leaving."  I don't think she ever weighed me because I put my coat on and left.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Stupid new phone

I got a new phone and it sucks ass.  It was fully charged when I turned it on this morning and 6 hours later, it only has 40% of it's charge left, and I didn't even use the thing.  Plus, it's not receiving my emails, which is also annoying.  So, back to Verizon I go tonight, however I don't have any of the packaging or the receipts because it's all at my house, so I'm guessing that I won't be able to return this piece of crap tonight.  Oh well.  I'm going to check out the iPhone 4 because it's $100 cheaper than the 5 and I've never had an iPhone so I don't know what I may or may not be missing with the 5 anyone.

Charro is not going to be fun on Friday.  I fear this WIF situation.  Do I manipulate it or do I just go in there and let her know that I've gained no weight?  Hmmm....Either way, it's not going to be good.  Hopefully it will be cold and I can wear pants and long sleeves.

The "tornado" (my friend) arrives later.  13 days she will be here...Ugh!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Making Charro laugh, unintentionally

I kept saying to Charro, "What if I ate 10 thousand calories and I didn't gain any weight, would you still think that this wasn't what I was supposed to weigh?"  She kept saying, "Why don't you go inpatient and see what happens."  No thanks!!

Then I said, "If I was supposed to be at a higher weight, I would be at a higher weight."  She busted out laughing and hit her head on the lamp shade and said, "I like that one a lot.  That's a good one."  Well, at least I make her laugh.

There is no way I'm going to get out of this weight gaining thing.  I've contemplated going in on Friday and saying, "I'm not really doing anything to gain weight," and see what she has to say about that.  I guess I know what she'll say.  She'll say, "Then what are we doing here?  Do you want treatment for your eating disorder or do you not?"

She told me I have to start internalizing and figuring out why I don't want this ed in my life.  Well, I don't think it's a real problem so I can't really do that, I don't think.  I told her that I just have to get to a number to satisfy "her needs."  Lol.  She was like, "My needs, I don't think so."  I tried to tell her that eating more is not natural for me, but it's not sinking in.  I told her that I wished we could spend 72 hours together so she could see how I eat because I think she would change her mind.  She did acknowledge the improvements I've made.

Charro said, "Any therapist would tell you that you'd have to gain weight."  I said, "Kruger wouldn't."  Haha...Kruger...Oh Kruger.

It's cold in my house.

I'm getting a new cell phone so I'm doing research, which is just more confusing because I read peoples' reviews and they are all bad so then I don't want to get either of the phones that were suggested to me.

Monday, September 17, 2012

October 12

October 12, that's the day I'm supposed to hit the magic 102 (which because I'll have clothes on, she says it has to be 103-104) on the scale.  Here's the thing, I won't be getting weighed the week before because Charro is taking her birthday off, so no October 5th WIF.  I'm fine with that, but then I'll be gone the following week, possible on the 12th too, if I feel like it, so I won't see her for almost 2 weeks when I'm supposed to be gaining weight to this magical number.  I wonder if she will take this into consideration and give me extra time.  Ya think?  I don't think so but it's worth a shot.  Maybe I should email her and tell her my concerns.  I'll have to write something good.

I don't know why I bothered cleaning my apartment for my friend's arrival, she doesn't clean hers.  In fact, the last time I went to stay with her, the two of us spend TWO HOURS cleaning her bathroom.  TWO HOURS!!  She's a hoarder too, which doesn't help.  So, why did I clean???

I really don't know what I'm going to do about this gaining weight thing.  I said to Charro, "What if this is supposed to be my weight?" and she just about fell out of her chair laughing.  I was being serious.  I know she thinks I'm arguing with her a lot, but I'm just telling her my thoughts and trying to figure them out.  She finds some of them pretty humorous, and not in a good way, I don't think.

I just realized that I'm tired.  It's going to pour rain tomorrow.  Yuck!  I don't know if I'm going to have to tell my friend that I have to go to my T appointment, since she's going to be here for four of them.  I can't keep having "meetings."  Maybe I'll tell her about the Monday ones and say I have "meetings" for my Friday sesh's.  Those are going to be the hard ones because I get on and off the scale a million times on WIF, to see how much I weigh.

100 or bust

Okay, they'll be no busting going on, but if I'm not 100 by Friday, Charro says I will have to do food logs.  I laugh because she keeps bringing up these food logs yet I have yet to see them or do them.  I'm totally fine with that, don't get me wrong.  I just find it funny that she keeps mentioning them.

I think she was a little bit punch drunk today.  I made her crack up a lot, and not intentionally.  It totally backfired when we were discussing my weight and I said, "What if this is supposed to be my weight?"  She responded with, "Well you gained weight last time so you can do it again."  Crap.  I didn't really gain weight last time.  See what lying does, it backfires and gets ya in trouble!!

Oh, I gotta get changed and head out.  More later.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Yucky changes

I don't like how Blogger changed their layout, or whatever you call this.  That's all.

I didn't feel like working out at all yesterday, but I had to because I didn't do anything on Friday.  Well, I probably walked 5 miles, but that doesn't count.  So, I didn't run, but I went for a rollerblade, which was good.  It's a good workout, but I feel like it doesn't count as a workout, sometimes.  The park was ridiculously crowded, which was annoying, but that's because it was so nice out. 

I need to go buy toilet paper this week, which means a trip up to Costco or BJs.  I refuse to buy it in the city, and if I just go to Costco for ONLY toilet paper, I can do it without a car. 

Charro's going to want me to start talking about how it feels to be gaining weight.  Hmm, I can't really do that.  I don't know why, but I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, which is quite a change from a few weeks ago.  I'll have to come up with some stuff to talk about.  I wonder if she knows that I have absolutely no desire or intentions of gaining this weight.  I wonder what she thinks.  I can't imagine that she would think I'd go from being so incredibly pissed to thinking that it's okay and that I'm going to do it.  She's not dumb.  She's a little, or a lot, forgetful as of late, which worked in my favor on Friday when she forgot to give me the food logs.  (YAY!!!  I can't say YAY enough to that).

(Cat licking my finger)

I made Charro crack up the other day and then I said, "See, you'd miss me if I wasn't here."  I don't think she heard me because she was laughing, which then turned into a hacking cough.

I keep looking for Stephanie on the street.  I want to run into her.  It's a big city, but maybe it will happen.  I'm sort of near where she works sometimes, so you never know.  I want to see what would happen if we ran into each other on the street.

I have to get moving and I don't feel like it.  I have to clean my apartment before "the tornado" comes on Wednesday (my friend).  Ugh, 13 days...I told her she had to keep her stuff on my balcony.  HAHA!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

You're staying how long?

Okay, so my friend has come and stayed with me the past couple of Septembers.  Well, she was talking abut it but never said for sure that she was coming. She talked about the day she would fly in, but that was that.  So, yesterday I texted her to find out if she was coming and she was like "Yeah, I'm coming on Wednesday."  I spoke to her last night, she's staying until October 1.  WHAT!!!!!!  That is so NOT cool.  There are so many things wrong with this.  First of all, who would think it's okay to stay with someone, IN A STUDIO APT, for 13 days???  Secondly, wouldn't you tell someone when you booked your flight so they know what's going on??  The good thing is that I will not be around a lot.  The problem is, she brings two suitcases and there's no where to put them, my pull-out couch stays pulled out.  My apartment is in total disarray, which I do not like.  Lord help me.  She's the nicest person, but completely high maintenance. 

Here is the other problem.  How am I going to get ready for WIF with her here?  I can't keep getting on and off of my scale to see how much I weigh while I'm getting ready to leave for my WIF sesh. I wonder what I'll tell her as far as where I'm going.  Ugh.

I ate a big dinner last night and I lost weight.  Someone figure that one out for me. Oh well.

I don't feel like going for a run at all so I think I'm going to rollerblade instead.  I don't real feel like doing anything but I will.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Yay!! No F.L.

So I'm quite happy that Charro forgot to give the food logs to me.  YAY!!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  She also forgot my receipt again too.  Hey, I'm okay with her forgetting my receipt if she keeps forgetting to give me the food logs.  YAY!!  She told me that I have to gain weight, right after she weighed me, and then, as I was leaving, she said, "Go forth and gain weight."  Um, okay.  Ha.  I did make her crack up and then I said, "See, you'd miss me if I wasn't here."  I don't think she heard me though, she was too busy laughing and coughing.  She said I have to start talking about how this (the weight thing) makes me feel.  Um, I don't want to do it, that's how it makes me feel.

I guess that was about it, we talked about other stuff, but that's boring.  Oh, she did say, when we were discussing the weather, she said, "Ugh, I need therapy.  I don't know how to dress in this weather and it takes too long to figure out."  She went on about it and it was funny.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

WIF is going to get worse

On Monday, Charro asked if I had thought anymore about having my parents come in to a sesh.  I shook my head no.  She asked me if I thought it would be helpful and I said no, then she called me a chicken.  I said, "Yep, I'm a chicken, I'll admit it."  I'm okay with her calling me a "chicken," after all, it's the only meat I eat.

I know I mentioned this before, but WIF is going to suck.  I'm trying to plan my outfit for tomorrow.  Blah,  She's going to start getting mad at me because I'm not going to be gaining the weight.  Oh well, that's my doing, not hers.  The f'n food log will be handed out to me tomorrow too, unless she forgets.  I HOPE she forgets.  She's forgotten my receipt the past 4 sesh's so maybe she'll forget the food logs.  I HATE food logs.  I say that all the time, but it's so true.

I came home for 5 seconds today and had cat poop and puke to clean up.  Awesome.

I'm going to shower before I see Charro so my hair will be wet, which will hopefully make me weigh more.  I'm not showering for that reason, I'm showering because I don't feel like showering now and I probably won't work out tomorrow so I don't need to hold of on showering.  

I need to go to bed early.  I'm thirsty, but that's not why I need to go to bed early. 

I'm going to really start dreading WIF even more than usual, very soon!

I feel a lecture coming

I have a feeling that WIF is not going to go well tomorrow.  Ugh, this won't be fun unless I can manage to miraculously gain like 3 pounds by then.  Guess that won't happen, although I can try hard for it to.  We'll see. 

I just got home, have to run out to a meeting and then off to teach class.  I can't wait to get back here, sit, relax with my cats, and blog.  I had to clean up poop and puke.  Crap, I better clean the litter box.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Ran and lifted

So I got myself up and ran.  The second half was much easier than the first half.  All that matters is that it's done.  My hip started doing this little twinge thing, where I'd occasionally feel it, like it was tearing or something, which probably isn't a good thing when you have a labral tear.  Haha.  It's been feeling great and still feels good right now, so that's good.  I just hope it doesn't start hurting me again.  It's been nice to be pain free, and for so long to have been pain free. 

From the park, I ran to my gym to lift weights.  Granted I only lifted weights for about 15-20 minutes, but that's better than not lifting weights, right?  I don't think that's going to help with my "muscle gain" at all.  People keep telling me that Charro won't fire me, but she will.  If I don't gain this weight, I'm a goner.  I'm starting to prepare myself for that day when she says, "We have to end our work together because you didn't gain the weight."  I'm sure I'm going to hear it and it will be sad and I will be pissed, but I'm not going to sit here and constantly be shoving food down my throat just to get to a certain number.  It doesn't seem right to me.  Just like I shouldn't sit here and not eat to get to a certain number, it's the same concept.  So, that's that.

I'm waiting for two work calls, which I really need to talk to these people so I can plan my schedule for the next two days.  Hopefully they'll call back soon.  I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from one of them because he's a bit flaky.  Actually, most of the people I do business with will never call back.  I have a strange clientele.

Remembering

I have a lack of motivation this morning and I'm going to blame it on the chill in the air.  I have a feeling that my legs might be tired when I set out for my run this morning, but I have a feeling it's going to be a short run anyway.  I don't really feel like running, but it must be done.  I'll have to spend the winter inside at the gym, so I have to be outside while I can. 

It's a crystal clear blue sky, just like it was 11 years ago today.  I wouldn't want to be anywhere near downtown today, so I'm glad I'll be staying close to home.  It's kind of eerie that the weather always seems to mimic the weather on September 11, 2001.  It's weird to me. 

Last night the beams of light were shining where the Twin Towers use to stand.  I went to my roof and took some pictures.  They came out pretty nice, if I do say so myself.  I don't know how this day is not a National holiday.  I don't get it.

I guess I should get ready to run. 

Ugh, I'm so not looking forward to the next 5 Fridays.  I have a feeling these next few weeks aren't going to be fun, when it comes to my sesh's with Charro.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Here comes the food log

Awesome!!!!  I can't wait.  Totally kidding on that.  I LOATHE food logs.  Charro said, and hopefully she'll forget because she seems to be extremely forgetful lately, that she is going to give me food logs on Friday.  She wants to give me the ones she uses in her program because she wants it in her form.  Ugh!!  That means I have to write down portions and times, I'm sure.  That means I'm going to estimate portions and times...or possibly overestimate portions. :)

Our sesh was fine.  She said that she doesn't care if I'm eating enough, I still need to gain weight.  But, my question is, if I'm eating enough, then I don't need to gain weight because my body would gain weight if it felt like it needed to gain weight.  Make sense?  She said that she doesn't necessarily think I need to eat more, but I need to make different choices of what I eat.  Blah, I don't think so.  What I do know, is that she is NOT going to budge on this weight thing.  I also know that that means that I'll probably be sans Charro sooner rather than later.

I got my blood pressure done at the street fair yesterday by one of the hospital nurses.  She looks at me and goes, "I'm going to do it again."  I said, "Oh, that can't be good."  I asked her if it was low, because it usually is.  She did it again and said it was on the low side, but if I normally run low than that's okay.  She told me to eat more spinach for a few months and see if I feel better.  I feel fine, but I like spinach so I'm okay eating it.

Ew, Fall is in the air

It's a chilly morning.  I don't like it.  It makes me sad.  The sun rises so much later.  The sun sets so much earlier.  It's sad.  Summer is over and that makes me really sad.

My finger/knuckle is a little swollen and bruised.  I took a field hockey stick to it yesterday.  It's not broken, so I'm not concerned.  Actually, I wouldn't be concerned if it was broken either because I've broken most of my fingers.  If it was all mangled, then I'd be concerned.

It will be a nice day to walk to Charro.  I have a busy day today.  I have to think of something good to talk to her about.  I had some crazy dreams that I'll discuss with her, after that, I don't know what we'll talk about. 

Ha, I just saw a funny milk commercial.

Maybe I'll get pizza for lunch today.  Hmm, we'll see how much time I have.

I'm already dreading WIF.  Each week WIF is going to get worse and worse.  Why can she just accept that this is my weight and it's not going to change?  That would be so much better.

I left my keys at the gym I teach at.  I realized that as I was trying to get into my apartment yesterday.  I didn't have time to go back up and get them.  I have to go there on Thursday so I'll just wait until then.  I don't really need them for anything.  My mailbox key is on there, but I'm not expecting any mail so I'm not walking all the way there to get my keys.  I'll get another spare made this morning, just in case I need another.

Sunday, September 09, 2012

It's not "restricting"

I woke up starving around 12:30 this morning.  I guess that's what I get for not eating dinner, but I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat.  I don't consider it "restricting" at all.  If I was hungry, I would have eaten.  I know Charro would totally argue this with me on this because I think she thinks I'm either lying or I don't know my hunger cues.  In all honesty, I know when I'm hungry and when I'm not, but she just doesn't believe that.  I can understand why she would question me on that, because a lot of ED people deny that they are hungry, which I totally use to do, but now I eat when I'm hungry.  Maybe this is something to talk about with her tomorrow.  I always feel like she thinks I'm trying to argue with her.  If I tell her I didn't eat dinner on Saturday night she's going to jump right into the aggressive tone of, "PTC, what are you doing?  You're supposed to be gaining weight.  You have to eat even if you're not hungry.  Do you want to get better?"  Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have this conversation with her because I'm not going to get any answers and she's just going to get mad and then will probably make me keep a food log, which I desperately do not want to do.  Speaking of food logs, I'm very thankful that she has not told me to do that yet, this time around.

I have the Cheerios jingle.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Pits and zits

Okay, I'm having a serious stinky armpit problem.  I'm not sure what this is all about.  It started a few weeks ago and I've tried 3 different deodorants and nothing is helping.  WTF?  I might have to try a man's deodorant.  I've never smelled before in my life.  What's this about?  Stinky pits!

I also have zits all over my face, which seem to clear up whenever I leave the city.  People say they can't see them, but I see them.  They are there.  They're more like a rash type thing, not like big zits.  Whatever, I want them gone.

Cat on my lap...and keyboard.

Hmm, I have no title

I guess I'm supposed to eat dinner, but I'm not really hungry.  I ate a lot this afternoon, I think, now I can't really remember.  Oh yeah, I had like 3 lunches.  I'll definitely eat something tonight, when I get hungry, it just won't be "dinner."  I have cramps too, so that doesn't really help with hunger.  I'm thirsty, more than anything.

I had a good run this morning, which I was surprised about.  If I keep running, it will get easier.

I have to feed my cats, but it's not like they'll eat it anyway.  I'm going to see if I can feed them less, which will save me money, because they don't eat the entire can and it goes to waste.

Hmm, WIF is going to get harder every week.  At least I'm not expected to, and don't have to, gain 1 pounds every week.  Let's be honest, that's NOT going to happen.  I need to lift more weights next week.

The ax?

My friend thinks that Charro's gonna give me the ax.  I can't say that I don't agree with her.  At some point she's going to realized that my weight isn't changing and that's not going to go over well.  I still don't understand why I have to gain weight by forcing myself to eat more than my body needs.  I eat pretty normally, so I don't see why I have to force myself to eat more.  I guess we'll just see what happens.  I'm not going to try to predict anything here.

I'm heading out for a run in a short while.  I'm trying to decide which path to take, quite literally.  :)  It looks pretty dark out there so I hope I don't get rained on.  Actually, I wouldn't mind it, I just don't think my ipod would appreciate getting wet.  Rain isn't in the forecast, but that doesn't mean anything.  Those clouds say otherwise.

Friday, September 07, 2012

Winner - Round 1 - WIF

Round 1, actually, it's more like Round 5, because we've done this so many times, of WIF went to me.  She weighed me right when I went in there, which meant I didn't have 50 minutes to drink my water bottle.  Now I know this for next week. :)  I did chug some before I went in there, just in case.   I thought she'd make me take my hat off when I got weighed, but she didn't.  I even kept my shoes on.  We'll see how next week goes.  It should get a little easier as the weather gets colder, but I also have to have the scale go up, so I guess it's not that much easier.  Today, wasn't that bad.

The sun is out so I need to go take advantage of this situation. 

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Provocative words

Here's what happened yesterday.  Charro said, "How's it going with gaining weight?"  I said, "Fine."  "Are you eating more?"  "I'm working out more and eating more protein."  "Can we just talk about sort of the underlying stuff instead of pretending?  That's a very provocative statement.  That's like you, you know, being provocative towards me.  I'm not the person who's forcing you to do this.  I'm hear to help you if you want real help.  If you just want me to say, okay, go ahead, put muscle weight on, or if you want me to say, no you can't. I don't think that's a healthy dynamic for us.  I really think it's not helpful to keep not talking about the underlying stuff.  You know better, you just do, to say something like that."  I said, "But that's healthy."  "You need to gain more weight, not work out more."  So, that was some of the conversation.  She said, "For you, recovery is not just about gaining weight on the scale.  That's one piece of it, but it's usually about eating more and working out less.  The problem you have is not a problem about not having enough muscle.  I'll just put on muscle is not a treatment for what your problem is.  And you know this, and that's why I'm reacting like let's cut the bullshit, because you know this, so you throwing this out at me, what is that about?  What are you trying to do, get away with something?  What's the point of it? 

There was more, but that's the basic stuff.

Exterminating

It's bad when you're excited for the exterminator to come.  At least the bugs I'm finding now are dead.  I sprayed RAID in my cupboards, which mean, my food may be tainted.  Let's hope I didn't poison myself.

Tomorrow is WIF...yep, back to stupid WIF.  This time Charro really means business.  I'm a goner if the scale doesn't go up to where she wants it to be.  We'll see what happens.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

As expected

Charro did not like the "I'm working out more to gain muscle" response to, "How's it going gaining weight?"  LOL.  Oh well, I knew she wouldn't and I didn't care all that much either.  She was like "Why would you even say that to me?"  I can't remember what else was said, but I will when I listen to the tape.  I told her that I wasn't going to gain fat, but I would gain muscle.  She said I wouldn't be gaining fat, I'd be adding skin.  Um, you can't "add skin," I think she should know that.

It's so humid out, I was sweating bullets by the time I got home.  Exterminator comes tomorrow.  I'm not sure how that's going to work with my cats.  We shall see.  I'll be here to find out, so that's good.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Out of shape

I ran yesterday for the first time in two weeks, and boy was I out of shape.  It really sucked big time.  My run today was much better, maybe because I had someone to talk to, I don't know, but it was good and I got nice and sweaty because it's so humid out.  I just need to make sure I run a few times a week, and now that my schedule is back to normal, I can do that.  I need to get myself back into running shape.  I'll be playing field hockey once a week too, which will help me get ready for my alumni game.

Charro tomorrow.  Won't that be fun.  I guess I've kind of come to terms with the fact that I might not be seeing her soon.  Well, I can put that money away for vacation. :)

Monday, September 03, 2012

You weighed more in college

Charro always likes to bring up how I "weighed more in college."  I keep trying to tell her it's because I had a ton of muscle.  I played two division 1 sports in college, and anyone who knows what that is like you know that you practice/play games 6 days a week, and on top of that you're in the weight room 3 times per week doing a strict weightlifting program with strength and conditioning coaches.  We had strength tests...how much weight can you (leg) press, how much can you bench.  Yes, we had to be strong and have a ton of muscle, which I did not like.  They made us look like men, which I did not like.  My quads and ass were much bigger from spending every day of my life in a squatting position (field hockey).  Everyone knows that muscle weighs more than fat, so I sure as hell weighed more in college.  Charro doesn't understand that.  She thinks that because I weighed more then, I should weigh more now because that was my "set" point.  I highly disagree with her on that.  I'm going to try to explain that (again) to her on Wednesday, but I'm sure I won't have much luck and she'll just take it as an argument.  She thinks everything is an argument.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

My new sneaks are yellow

I hope the sun comes out so I can lay my bum on the roof, take a nap, and catch some rays.  That would be ideal.  I would also like it if no one showed up to take my aerobics class so I can go for a run in the park.  I want to try out my new sneakers.  My prediction is that one person will show up and I'll have to teach for that one person.  That is not fun.  If that happens, I'll make them do the elliptical and then we'll do weights.  I'm predicting that this guy will come to my class today.  He's fun, but I'd rather just not have to teach to one person.  He's pretty flamboyant, and it's pretty funny to watch him do the moves in class.  He adds his own spin (and arms) to things, which is funny.  I caught him smoking outside after class one day and he was mortified.  I gave him the evil eye and said, "What! Is! THAT!?"  Again, he was mortified.


I woke up too early this morning, which is so annoying.  Why is it that when you can sleep in, you wake up?  So annoying.

I thought about going to the beach tomorrow, but I don't think the weather is going to be conducive for that.  Oh well, I've got all of September to be beach bound.

On another note, when are they going to stop with these air shows?  It seems that there is a crash/death everytime there's an air show.  I think it's time to do away with them.  Just saying.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Hitting the weights

So here's my possible game plan...go in on Wednesday and tell Charro that I'm going to gain the 4 pounds in muscle, therefore I will have to work out more in order to do that.  I'll tell her that it will require me to hit the weights for an additional hour 4-5 days a week, on top of my regular cardio workouts.  We'll see how she feels about that. If she wants me to gain weight, she can't be choosy on how I do it. That's a lot healthier than eating a bunch of crap and gaining fat. I can't wait to hear her reaction to this. She thinks I work out too much as it it, but she really can't argue with me about the weight, as long as I gain it.

 I am absolutely disgusting right now, fyi.  I didn't shower today.  I just got home after being in a pool all day and have that nasty chlorinated feeling.  I desperately need to wash my hair, but if I took a shower now, it would take my 9 days to dry my hair, so that's not going to happen.  I might need to shower before I teach class tomorrow, which seems so stupid since I'm just going to get sweaty, so I don't really think I can actually do that. 
I got my new sneakers today so now I want to go for a run.  Maybe I'll go for a run tomorrow and try them out.  New sneakers always make me want to run.  :)  Bedtime.

Out the window

So the whole not weighing myself is out the window.  I went for a month, two times, without weighing myself, but now that I'm going to be getting weighed by Charro, I'm sure has hell back to weighing myself.  If she's going to weigh me, I'm going to weigh me, and I'm probably going to do it everyday, because that's what I've been doing this week.  That's how it goes.

I'm off to a friend's pool for the day.  Sun time and relaxation, I hope.