Friday, August 31, 2012

Game time

Well I managed to lose 2 plus pounds this week.  I'm guessing it was stress related because I didn't eat any less than usual.  I don't really care at this point anymore.  Charro, when discussing my weigh-ins, said that she "can't check my cavities" and that she can't "put me in a robe."  Um, does she really think I'm going to shove things in my body parts, and if so, what does one stick up there that would weigh a lot??  I'm just saying, I don't think most people would go to those extremes.

I made an oriental salad for lunch and I'm still stuffed from it.  I don't know why, but I am.  That's the way it goes.

I have no idea what I'm going to talk to Charro about now.  I feel like things are different and I'm still pissed at her, and most likely will still be pissed at her come Wednesday when I see her.  I told her I am happy living my life this way and I don't think it affects me all that much.  I can go out with friends, eat, and have fun.  Honestly, I don't really have any desire to change so I'm not really going to really try to do this.  Luckily she made no mention of a food log, so I will not do one unless she mentions it to me next week.  I don't know, maybe I should just quit seeing her because now there's really nothing to discuss.  Maybe I should try to figure that out this weekend.  I'll play the game for a bit and see how it goes.  I can call it quits whenever I want to.

Hat's on and Lie denial.

I wore my hat to Charro this morning.  I said, "Do you want to know why I'm pissed?" then I told her.  I read her what she had said to me and told her that she lied to me, not once, but twice.  She, of course, said that she didn't lie, but she changed her mind.  Well, to me it's a lie.  She said that what she said wasn't really how she meant it.  I said, "Well, I clearly didn't misinterpret what you said, it was pretty straight forward."  We got nowhere with that conversation. She asked me if I would "take off my hat so we could talk."  I said, "I can talk with my hat on."  I really feel like we didn't accomplish anything in our conversation.  She told me I was "throwing a tantrum" because "of my hat and my phone."  (I had my phone out because I had emailed myself basically what my post said yesterday,  my list and her quote).  I was like "I have my list on my phone of what I want to talk about.  I'm not sitting here checking my email.  I can show you if you'd like."  Okay, so how is wearing a hat and having my phone out "throwing a tantrum," I really don't know.  I said, "I'm not standing up, kicking my feet and yelling."  Whatever.

So basically I said I'd gain the weight she wants me to gain, even if I'm full of shit and faking it til I make it.  I don't really care.  I'll figure it out.  I have 6 weeks to do it.  She's going to weigh me on Fridays.  She made no mention of a food log, so I'm not doing one.  I'm still really pissed, I kind of wanted to say "wicked pissed" even though I'm not from Mass.  She was like, "Can you eat without a nutritionist?"  I said, "I do it everyday, so I think I can handle it."  I'm still pissed at her.  She really didn't understand that I was pissed at her for lying to me, she kept insisting I was pissed over the four pounds.  Whatever, I'm just pissed.

75 Minutes

I see Charro in 75 minutes and I'm pretty nervous.  I'm still pissed and seeing her face is going to make me even more pissed.  I have no idea how all of this is going to turn out today, but we'll find out soon.  Can I vomit now?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

My List

Here is my list of what I'm going to talk to Charro about tomorrow.  First I'm going to read her what she said to me about her not weighing me anymore and me being able to stay at 98 lbs, which was this: 
"Stay at this weight and we'll see how the ED goes.  Maybe this is good enough for you.  I can't fight you anymore.  I don't want a requirement.  I'm not going to weigh you. I hope that you will not lose any more weight and I hope that you will let me know if you do, b/c then that really becomes a treatment issue. (ME-I'm not trying to lose weight.)  So you want to stay at 98?  So let's just have that be it.  I won't weigh you anymore.  If you could just make a commitment that you won't drop below that."  Then I'm going to bust out into my list.

  1. You lied to me about the weight thing and I'm pissed about that.  How can I trust what you say to me?
  2. I did not drop below 98.
  3. Obviously everything I've accomplished and have been working on doesn't mean anything to you.
  4. I do not meet diagnostic criteria
  5. My weight has been the same for a long time, so why all of a sudden are you now reacting like this?
  6. You always say, "If you don't want to work on the ED we can talk about other things."  Now you say that you can't "ethically" do that.  - Another lie.
  7. Again, how am I ever supposed to trust what you say to me since you've now lied to me twice?
So, that's my list.  I'm all fired up again and am so ready to go in there.  I know she's going to have a lot of "But...blah blah...in that voice that she uses.  I think I have pretty good arguments here.

24 hours

24 hours from now I will be heading into my sesh with Charro.  I'm ready.  I'll be fired up.  I'll be wearing my baseball hat so I don't have to look at her, like I did on Monday.  That's what I do when I'm in a bad mood, I wear a baseball hat, that way I don't have to be seen and I don't have to see anyone.  It helps.  I'm going to listen to our sesh from Monday again tonight, that way I make sure I'm really fired up.  I'm sure I can continue to fire myself up on my walk there tomorrow.  Honestly, I don't even want to see her.  I don't want to look at her.  I'm that pissed.  I can't even fake being nice and saying hi.  It was so hard to say hi the other day.  She knows how pissed I am, of course she wants me to be able to "talk about it."  That annoys me for some reason.  I don't like to talk when I'm pissed, and the last thing I want to do is talk to the person I'm pissed at.

Uhhh, I'm sure I'm going to have a lot to say after tomorrow.  I'm sure I'll still be pissed too, if not more pissed.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Can't wait to yell

I'm sort of excited now to go see Charro on Friday and be pissed at her and sort of yell at her (but not really yell at her, just give her a little piece of my mind).  She's going to see a side of me she's never seen before and I'm sure it's going to feel really good for me to get that out there.  I may act like a 10 year old, but I don't really care.  I can't wait to go in there and read to her what she said to me and how pissed I am that she all of a sudden changed her mind about it.  She wanted to know why I seemed "surprised" about this (her saying she won't see me anymore at 98 lbs) and I said, "Because you said that I could stay at this weight!"  Now I can prove it to her so she can see that I wasn't making this up in my head.  There's not misconstruing what she said.  (If you missed it, it's a few posts down)  I'm pissed for several reasons, two of them being that she went back on her word, and because she accused me of making up that she said that.  I am very good at remembering what people say, so I knew I didn't make it up, now I can prove it.  That makes me very happy.  I'm pretty sure she's not going to change her mind about things, but whatever, then I can continue to be pissed at her.  I feel like this is going to change our relationship, and not for the better.

Bugs and pissiness

I'm not getting the best sleep lately.  Besides being pissed at Charro, I constantly feel like I have bugs crawling on me.  I wake up in the night and feel like there are bugs on me.  I found a few more bugs in my apartment last night, one which was crawling on me, which is why all I can see when I close my eyes are bugs.  I am so over these damn bugs.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep for a while because I'm just so pissed.  I emailed Charro last night to tell her that I don't know if I'll go on Friday because I have nothing to talk about.  Of course she emailed me back and said she would like for me to go and talk about all of these feelings that I'm having.  I only have one feeling...pissed off.  I'm going to read what she said to me about staying 98 lbs and see what she has to say to that.  It's not cool to go back on your word.  I haven't lost any weight.  I've maintained this weight for a while now, so why it is all of a sudden a problem??  That, I think, is what really pisses me off.

I might have a breakdown if I find anymore bugs.  The exterminator doesn't come to our building until next Thursday.  I don't know what I'll do with the cats.

I'm supposed to have a fun night tonight, let's just hope the guys I'm supposed to hang out with don't change their minds.

I have lots of sunflowers in my "garden."  I'll have to take a picture.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Going back on her word

So I found the sesh where Charro said I could stay at 98 pounds.  Here's what was said, verbatim.

Stay at this weight and we'll see how the ED goes.  Maybe this is good enough for you.  I can't fight you anymore.  I don't want a requirement.  I'm not going to weigh you. I hope that you will not lose any more weight and I hope that you will let me know if you do, b/c then that really becomes a treatment issue. (Me- I'm not trying to lose weight.)  So you want to stay at 98?  So let's just have that be it.  I won't weigh you anymore.  If you could just make a commitment that you won't drop below that.
 
I am going to share this with her because she kept trying to convince me that I misinterpreted what she had said, but that is pretty straight forward, if you ask me.

Consulting the supervisor

I'm still in a bad mood after my sesh's with Charro.  It's not her fault, but I'm still allowed to be pissed at her, she tells me that. :)  She told me that she went over my case with her supervisors, but I don't remember what she said after that, I'll have to go back to the audio for that one.  She also said that I meet the criteria for anorexic in the DSM, which is actually not true.  I am not at 85% of my ideal body weight, and I still get my period, so actually, I do not meet the criteria.  (Cute kittens on TV).  I have to go back and listen to the sesh, but I know it's just going to piss me off even more.  I don't know, maybe I should just go in and tell her that I have no desire to gain any weight because I don't feel like I need to force food into my body when I eat enough.  Maybe I should go in and tell her I'll do it and just fake the weight gain.  I guess I have til Friday to decide.  Maybe I'll email her and tell her that I have nothing to talk about so what's the point in coming in on Friday.  I really don't have anything to discuss with her so maybe I should do that.

I cannot wait until the weekend.  I have been on the go since, I don't know when.  I've been out in the sun everyday too, which drains ya.  The 9 hours cleaning out my apartment on Sunday, wasn't very fun either.  Ugh.

I'm not trying to be difficult with Charro, I just don't want to do what she says I need to do, nor do I think I have to, so why should I?

Monday, August 27, 2012

That was worse than Friday

I just got back from my sesh with Charro, which was worse than it was on Friday.  I wore a baseball hat so I could cover my face.  I didn't look at Charro more than two times.  I didn't speak the entire time either.  I was pissed and I had nothing to say.  I just sat there.  I told her I had nothing to say, and she didn't believe that at all.  I was angry but I'm not quite sure why.  I'm still in a shitty mood and I have an hour to get out of it, or pretend to be out of it, because I'm babysitting.  Basically I have to decide by Friday if I want to gain 4 pounds, if not, she won't work with me.  So, if she refuses to work with me, then she said we'd have 4 wrap-up sessions.  I really don't see the point in that because I wouldn't have anything to say so if we're going to end it, let's just end it.  So, that's the deal.  I'll wear another baseball hat on Friday.

So, if I decide that I want to do this then she's going to weigh me once a week and I'd have to keep a fucking food log.  I fucking hate food logs!!!!!  I may just fake it, it's not like she'll know the difference.  It wouldn't affect her at all, it would only hurt me, and I'm okay with that.  I guess I'll go back to weighing myself whenever I want, at this point.  If she's going to weigh me, then I'm going to weigh me.

Why is the little Blogger menu gone from the top of the page on the main page??  It's really, really annoying because I can't get to my Dashboard without going through and old post. 

Bugs

I found the source of my bug infestation and I think (HOPE) I got rid of them all.  It was a lavender, bean bag thing that you put on your eyes.  So, it was in my closet, which was not a pretty site.  I have a big closet with a ton of clothes and crap in it so those all came out.  I Cloroxed, sprayed Raid, vacuumed, and did $20 with of laundry.  I cleaned for 9 hours yesterday, not really a relaxing Sunday.

I listened to my sesh from Friday last night.  It put me in a bad mood.  I don't feel like going to see Charro today.  It's not going to be fun.  It even takes the fun out of telling her about my awesome Friday night.  Maybe I should just tell her, again, that I have no interest in gaining the weight that she wants me to gain.  I know she's going to ask me if I'm "committed to gaining the weight" so I'll have to say "No."  I might say, "But I'll fake it if I have to in order to keep seeing you."  We'll see what happens today.  I may be out of therapy soon.

All I could think about last night was bugs.  I'd wake up and picture bugs.  EW...NO MORE BUGS, PLEASE!!!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Okay, this will be a long one

Finally, I get to write.  So I'm going to not even write about stuff I was going to write about because then this will be extremely long, so onto my sesh with Charro.  It started off okay until I told her how much I weighed.  She went all ballistic on me and continued for a good 35 minutes.  Reamed me out and kept apologizing for sounding so mean and angry, which I didn't think she did.  She was like, and I hate when she says this because she says is ALL THE TIME, "Do you want to get better?"  in that tone that she has.  Then she wanted to know why I hadn't gained weight and that this isn't working.  I reminded her that last time we had this discussion, when she decided to stop weighing me she said, "Okay, you can stay at 98, if that's where you want to be, but you have to promise to let me know if you drop below.  I don't think 98 is a healthy weight for you but I can't make you change it."  She then said, "But I thought you were going to gain weight."  Um, not if you said I could stay at the weight that I'm at, why would I gain weight??  So, that's what pissed me off most about the sesh, the fact that she sort of went back on her word.  She kept going on and on and reaming me out, which was fine.  She said that she really can't continue to work with me and that I HAVE to get to 102.  She said we tried the not weighing thing because I kept saying that it would make me less obsessive, and it "didn't work."  So I don't know if that means that she's going to start weighing me again or what.  I'm guessing it does, since I'm not weighing myself and can't report back to her.  It's going to suck.  She's like "How are we going to get you to gain these 4 pounds.  What are you going to do?"  I didn't give her an answer because I don't plan on gaining four pounds.

I don't remember everything, but I will once I listen to the sesh tonight.  I can't listen this afternoon because it will put me in a bad mood.  I couldn't wait to get out of there on Friday.  I looked at my watch and I still have 30 minutes left and I was like "Crap, this isn't even close to being over."  I was meeting my friend at the train right after and she knew I was not in a good mood when she saw me.  At least I could talk to her about it because she's the one who knows.  I checked my email when I got on the train and I had a long one from Charro.  She was, again apologizing for sounding so mean and angry and for attacking me.  I thought it was nice that she emailed me because it showed that she felt bad.  I still don't feel like she attacked me, but I may feel differently after I listen to the sesh.

It was a good thing I had a distraction and a concert to go to that night.  I had THE BEST night, so it really helped.  I won't go into details, but it was freaking awesome.  I think my friend had a good time too.  Oh, so I ended up right next to the stage.  This guy pulled me up there and he was trying to grope me and then asked me out.  He had a lot to drink.  He kept telling me how hot I was, which is always nice to hear.  Then he was pinching my stomach and stuff and I'm like "Do you like pinching my fat?"  (I'm like, what the hell are you doing?)  Then he was like "You have no fat."  Later on he said, "You are too skinny.  You need to put on some weight, okay?"  I thought that was odd.  I sort of liked hearing it, but it was also strange at the same time because I didn't even know this guy, but it was also a guys perception.  That was that.

Last night my train was 90 minutes late, which did not make me happy at all.  Today, hopefully will be a good day.  I hope to not have a bug infestation.  I came up to one Thursday night, which is part of the story I left out.  I'm hoping I got rid of them because I'll freak if I didn't.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Bad day/Good day

My day started out crappy yesterday.  Actually, it ended crappy on Thursday and then had an awful sesh with Charro.  Luckily I was meeting my friend after and heading home to see Martina.  So, I had something to look forward to and to keep my mind from going crazy thinking about stuff.  My night was awesome.  I'll write more later, it's been a crazy week.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Not how I wanted my night to go

I got home from teaching class and all I wanted to go was shower and go to bed.  Well, that changed because I've been seeing these little brown bugs around my apartment occassionally.  I've had them crawling on me, which I'm so NOT a fan of.  Well, yesterday before class there was one on me (and after having been in a bug infested part of the state for the past 4 days, I was done with bugs), and when I got home there was one on me.  So, I started to freak.  I took the bug downstairs and asked the doormen what it was.  They didn't know.  I tried googling and couldn't really find anything.  I mean, googling "little brown bug" can get ya a lot of things.  Well, it might be some sort of beetle, but I don't know.  Then I started cleaning out my cabinets because I read something about how they like dry food.  Well, I found a bunch in there, so I proceeded to take out all of the food in my cabinets, bleach the shelves, wash the cans, and throw out a ton of food.  That's one way to get rid of crap.  Before I didn't have room for any food in there, now two of my shelves are practically bare.  I guess that's a good thing, and much needed because there was some stuff in there that had been in there for way too long.  So, that was that.  I got to bed at midnight and for some reason I woke up before 6 AM.  WTF is that about?  I am going to die today.  I'm going to be up really late tonight too, so that's no good.  I just need it to be sunny tomorrow so my friend and I can lay out all day and I can pass out in the pool.

So, I weighed myself this morning.  It was about the same as it was last time I weighed myself.  I'm still a little disappointed that I didn't lose weight, but whatever, I'll talk to Charro about that this morning.

I'm really going to freak if I can't get rid of these bugs.  There was one in my glass last night while I was drinking.  Good thing I saw it.  EW!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I stepped on

I weighed myself, with my clothes on so it doesn't really count.  I think I gained weight, which doesn't make me happy.  I was hoping I would have lost weight, so I was disappointed when I saw the number.  I'll get the real number tomorrow morning when I weigh myself.

Yay for clean spaces

I'm back from dirty hell.  I can't wait to take a shower without shoes...to go to the bathroom without 3 daddy longlegs staring at me...to go to the bathroom without other people (25 high school girls) in the bathroom with me...to not wear shoes 24/7.  I am so happy to be home with my kitties, even if it's only for 12 hours.  I have to go teach aerobics in an hour.  I thought about going to work out before class but I'm pretty wiped.  I was up from 3-5 AM this morning.  I played soccer with the girls for some exercise this morning.  I only ran two out of the three days and they were very hilly runs so they were pretty short, only 30 minutes.  I want to weigh myself now.  I'm supposed to wait until tomorrow but I want to just do it now, because what's the difference, really?  I will do it again tomorrow.

I think that's about it.  I can't wait to go to sleep and shower, but not in that order.

I get to weigh myself tomorrow but I want to do it right now.  I think I'd feel so guilty if I did that though.  If I weigh myself with clothes on it doesn't count though, right?  I think that's the case.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I sucked at that

So I spoke to the girl who's not eating and I didn't do a very good job at it.  I emailed Charro to ask how I should approach the situation, but I still didn't do a very good job at it.  She, the girl, not Charro, said that she eats when the food is good but she doesn't feel like wasting eating when the food stinks.  She'd rather just have a good bowl of pasta instead of stinky pasta here, or eat her mom's cooking.  She says that she eats when she's home but I'm not buying it.  I can see the way she looks at food and plays with it.  That's not the "I just don't like this crappy camp food" approach, it's the "I'm not eating food because I'll get fat" thought.  She moves it around her plate and plays with it.  I saw her sort of take a bite off of someone else's plate.  She thinks she has me convinced that she's fine, but I know better, there's just nothing else I can say to her.  It makes me sad to see her do this but I don't know what else to do.  I wish I did a better job at talking to her.  I sucked.

Monday, August 20, 2012

This might be hell

Okay, so I'm in the dirtiest, nastiest, buggiest, spideriest place on earth.  This is pre-season hell.  Oh yeah, the food is horrible too and I really don't mind if I lose weight this week, which is bad because I sort of want to lose weight but I know I don't need to lose weight.  Hmm, not a good mind set I'm in right now, I don't think.

I went for a run and it was a lot of hills.  It was a good workout and I'm sure my legs are going to be sore tomorrow.  I saw a deer and it's fawn while I was running.  They stared at me and started walking towards me.  I was like, shouldn't they be going away from me.

It's so dusty in here that I can feel it settling in my throat and chest.  It's dust and mold, I'm sure.  It's sooo gross.  I don't need the Ritz but something clean please.  I'm going to cry! 

I should probably go to bed but I'm not tired.  I'm also not looking forward to doing another run tomorrow.  Yuck.

Charro gave me strict orders to make sure I eat well. She said, "You have a mission to eat well no matter what this week."  So far, not so good.  I don't care though.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

What's with the eating?

I think someone near me smokes pot every night around this time, because the past few nights I've smelled yucky stuff.  Ew, I hate the smell of pot, how can people smoke that stuff?!

I'm tired, which is good because I should go to bed soon because I have to get up early and get out of here.  I have to go away for 4 days and I'm not looking forward to it, as I've mentioned, but I'm all packed and ready, I think.  I don't know how I'm going to fill 5 hours of practice time every day.  I'm going to have to get creative so these girls don't get bored.  It's so annoying that I have to bring bedding, towels, etc, like I'm going off to college because we're staying in dorm rooms.  I'm not thrilled by this at all.  I think I get paid extra, which is a bonus.

So I guess my eating wasn't all that fantastic again today.  I was out so I didn't eat lunch until 3:30 PM, I did have a yogurt at noon so maybe that was lunch.  I didn't have dinner because I had lunch so late, but that's okay.  It will be interesting to see what kind of food they have at this place all week.  I have to be somewhat of a role model for these high school girls.  I have to keep my eye on one of them because I'm pretty sure she has an ED.  I emailed her mom earlier in the summer to discuss it, but she said she was okay.  We'll see.

I hate leaving my cats again.  They're sad about this, rightfully so.  I'll come back for one night and then leave them again for one night, which they won't be too thrilled about either.  I'll be home for less than 24 hours.  My poor babies.

I did not pack light for these 4 days, but that's okay. :)  It's all good. I should throw in another t-shirt or two too.  I think I have everything else that I need.  I even packed some nail polish. :)  Hopefully I'll have internet because I'm bringing my computer.  It's a school campus, it's gotta have wifi.

Simple things I need today...

I need someone to stretch me.
I need to pack for my dreaded trip tomorrow.
I need to go teach aerobics.
I need to go shopping for stuff before I can pack for my trip.
That's the agenda.  I don't have somebody to stretch me, so I guess I'll be doing that myself after class.

I feel kind of fat.  I'm dreading this 4 days away with high school girls and an dickwad (DW) of a male coach who I don't like.  Ironically enough, my friend, who is now coaching with me, is sleeping with this guy.  EW!!  So now I have to deal with her being all high school girl crush on him for these four days.  She doesn't realize that this guys an asshole.  He's sleeping with EVERY female in NYC, and I think she knows that but maybe doesn't care or just pretends that he's not.  Oh well, not my problem!  He's not even good looking, and he's old!!  It's bad enough to sleep with someone who's hot and an asshole, he's not hot and an asshole.  Ha.

I do have something exciting to look forward to on Friday...MARTINA!!!  :)  Can't wait.  Oh, not only do I get to see Martina on Friday, I can weigh myself and I get to see Charro.  So, Friday has the potential to be a very good day.  We shall see.

I best get ready.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Lunner

I didn't eat lunch until 4 PM.  Why, because I wasn't hungry.  I had breakfast around 8:30 and it was my normal sized bowl of cereal.  I had a few blueberries, but I wasn't hungry until later in the day so I didn't eat.  Should I have eaten?  Yes, probably, but I wasn't hungry.  What would Charro say about this?  She would not be happy.  She would tell me that I have to eat regardless of whether or not I'm hungry.  She'd say that I'm making a choice to stay in the ED.  She's right, but I'm not going to eat if I'm not hungry.  So, I am making a choice to be disordered, it is what it is.  This week I'll be making more choices, I'm not sure what they are, but they'll probably be disordered.  So, that's where I am.  So my lunch was also dinner, hence the name "lunner."  It counted as two meals since it was eating past lunch time and around dinner time.  Also, not healthy, but again, that's how it is right now.

Charro dream and sesh stuff

Charro and I talked about how I have recurring dreams yesterday so it's kind of ironic that she was in my dream last night.  It was weird, usually when I wake up having a dream I can't go back to that dream, but this time, I kept waking up and the kept having the dream again.  I'm not really sure what the dream was about, all I know is that she was staying at my house with my family and me.  I don't know if people knew who she was or not.  I didn't really talk to her much because it seemed weird for me to do so.  I just remember that she came downstairs after taking a shower and I just looked at her and laughed because she was wearing jeans.  (In real life we have a joke about her wearing jeans).  She looked at me and said, "I'll be traveling home."  She sat down at the table and everyone just chatted.  She was talking about how she and her husband went to Oregon to pick out their car.  I was like "What?!  You went to Oregon?!"  She said she didn't like the SUV they go there.  I also noticed that she was wearing make-up, which I don't think she normally does.  She had lots of blue eye shadow on and powder on her face.  I just kept looking at her thinking, she never wears make-up and that's a lot of eye shadow. 

I remember her watching me as I took care of my sick grandma and helped her up off of a chair and took her to the bathroom.  I don't remember anything else.  It wasn't a very detailed dream, unlike most of my dreams.  I can't wait to tell her about it on Friday when I see her.  I wish I was going to see her on Monday but I'll be out of town once again.

Yesterday she said, "I am kind of worried about ya, I have to say.  This isn't like a good setup for resilience."
She didn't say that she wanted to see me cry but rather, "I think it would be fantastic if you actually expressed some feelings, if you cried.  If you expressed fear."  I told her that I wouldn't cry and that I wouldn't want to cry in there because then I'd have to walk home and my eyes would be all puffy and people would see me.  She goes, "Who gives a shit if people see you, you'll never see them again."  I give a shit.  No crying.  So that was that.

I am so bummed it's raining.  I was going to go rollerblading and for a bike ride.  :( I guess I'll go running instead.  I could go to the gym but I'll run outside in a bit.  I slept for almost 10 hours, which was lovely.

Friday, August 17, 2012

I want to see you cry

I feel like I had a good sesh with Charro this morning.  She said that she wants to see me cry.  She wants me to show some emotion.  She said that she's "a very emotional person" and has "bawled on the subway."  She asked me if I had ever seen anyone cry on the subway before, which is why she said that about herself.  The answer, yes, I have, many times and it's a little bit uncomfortable and I try not to look at the person.  I really wanted to ask her why she was crying on the subway, but I didn't because I figured she wouldn't tell me anyway.

I'm hungry but I have a meeting in at noon and I don't know if they're going to feed us so I don't want to eat lunch because then it's like a wasted meal.  I don't want to make my own food if I can get free food somewhere.  See, this is what happens when you live in NYC and everything is so expensive, you wait for the free food.  Ha.

Next Friday is weigh in week.  Yay.  I can't wait.  I said to Charro, "You know what next Friday is?" and she said, "You get to weigh in."  I said, "Yes, I'm so excited."  She would rather I get rid of my scale but we both know that that is not going to happen any time soon. 

There are  men working on my balcony and my one cat doesn't care because he's sitting out there watching the birds, which I think are attracted to my sunflowers because they're all of a sudden sitting on my railing.  Real birds too, not pigeons.  Ha.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I am...

Feeling INCREDIBLY HUMONGOUS right now.  Not great when you're going to teach an aerobics class and stand in front of a bunch of people and mirrors.
My cats were being extremely cute and nice to each other this morning, for once.  The little girl was on my chest and the little boy was next to me.  He started licking her head, which was so adorable.  :)

I'm going to head to the gym and work out before I teach class later.  I have my alumni field hockey game in two and a half months, so I need to start really training, sprinting (yeah right), and getting good!  I can't embarrass myself.

So, I'm supposed to wait until next Friday to weigh myself, but I might do it a day early and weigh myself on Thursday night when I get back from being away.  What's the difference, right?  That is, of course, if I don't hop on there before then.

I need to do some serious cleaning today.  I feel like I'm always doing that.  I need to do laundry at some point before Sunday too, but I like to wait until I have more dirty clothes.  I've been on the go all week, so it's nice to be working from home today.  Hopefully my new blender will come today.  I dropped it on my foot last week, thank God I did not break my foot, and then it hit the floor and the glass broke.  Maybe it's downstairs.  It might have come yesterday, I didn't bother checking my mail when I got home.

What am I even writing about??? Nothing!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Is it considered "restricting?"

I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want therefore I'm just not eating anything.  I had a plum and that didn't do anything for me.  I had a few cherries.  I had a yogurt for dinner, although I guess that's not really dinner, is it?  I had just gotten home from a business trip and didn't want to cook or anything, nor was I really in the mood for anything, so that's what I had.  So, is this considered "restricting" because I'm not eating even though I'm hungry?  If something appealed to me I'd eat it, but nothing sounds interesting to me right now so I'm just not eating.  Hmm.

I'm hot too.  I need to put the fan on me.  There is a lovely breeze coming into my apartment. 

Maybe I'll go back in the kitchen and see what's there, even though I was just in there checking it out 3 minutes ago.

I might burst

I really feel like I'm going to end up weighing myself before next Friday.  I don't think I can make it that long.  Yesterday Charro said after this we're going to go to mid October.  I don't think so.  I'm eventually going to burst and just end up weighing myself like 4000 times a day, that's what I feel like is going to happen.  Ugh.

I should really unpack my bag but my cat is all snuggled up next to me.  He's happy I'm home.  The other one is in the sink, yes, in the sink, getting drenched with water as she takes a big drink.

I can't type for some reason so maybe I should stop typing.  I don't remember what I was going to write about anyway.  I just feel like I'm getting more obsessed instead of less right now.

It's very noisy outside my apartment.  I need to see what's going on.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Ugly dress

It's been a nutty morning and now I'm off to a work thing.  I had a good sesh with Charro.  She wants me to write some stuff down for Friday, or maybe not actually, but she wants me to go in on Friday and pick up where we left off. 

I'm so glad I have Charro, she's the best.

I showered with my contacts in and now they're all dry and crusty.  Blah.  I gotta go.  I'm wearing this ugly dress that I bought at Ann Taylor Loft last year that they wouldn't take back, well they would but they wanted to get me 50 dollars less than what I bought it for so I said "Screw you!"  Now I'm wearing the ugly thing for the first time because I won't see anyone I care about so it doesn't matter, well, I will see people while I'm walking to the train but that's another story.  Ciao.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Mac and cheese

I don't know why, but I'm starting to freak out about food and eating and weight and stuff.  I don't know why this is all of a sudden happening.  If I were to eat what I really wanted right now, it would be a big thing of mac and cheese.  I haven't had mac and cheese since I was a kid and for some reason I really want it right now.  I could never eat it because the thought of eating all of that cheese and fat scares the hell out of me.  I won't even think about the carbs, which usually don't scare me that much, but at the moment they're freaking me out a little.  What's wrong with me?  I don't know what this is about.  I have to go meet a friend for dinner now and there are things that I want to eat, but won't let myself eat.  I just don't want to eat at all, to be honest.  I'd rather just have some fruit or a protein shake.  Ugh.  I wish I could easily speak about this with Charro tomorrow, but it always seems so difficult.

I want to hop on the scale

I've been thinking about how much I weigh a lot recently.  I think it probably has something to do with the fact that I have no idea how much I weigh and that I really want to weigh myself.  Yeah, that's it.  I just want to hop on the scale, that's all, then I won't have to think about my weight anymore.

My cat sticks her head in my sink several times daily.  She drinks the water and gets soaked so her fur gets all spiky.  It's cute.  She's cute!

I told Charro that I'm not going to be able to eat when someone close to me dies.  She said that it's my choice.  I told her that it's not really my choice, if I'm sad I can't eat.  I said "some people eat and some people stop eating when they're upset."  She said, "Not everyone does that."  Okay, but I already know I'm a non-eater.  I hate the "It's your choice" thing.

I hate how my milk goes sour in like 2 days. WTF?  I can't deal with that situation.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I love these Saturdays

So there are three Saturdays in August when a 7 mile stretch of city streets are closed off to cars, this was weekend two.  I wasn't here to take part last Saturday, so this Saturday I went for a rollerblade this morning, about 8 miles, which was awesome, then I came home and got my bike, met up with a friend and went for a 12 or so mile bike ride.  It was fun!  We stopped and picked up lunch on the way back and then I came home and took a much needed shower.  I feel all clean now.  Now I just need to clean my apartment, but I'll do that later. 

So, I got a sort of decent workout this morning.  The rollerblading was a better workout than the biking, but it was still fun.  Some people should not be allowed to be on wheels, or on feet for that matter.  They need to pay attention to their surroundings.

I still want to weigh myself.  I haven't exactly been eating great meals since I got back here, but whatever, if it's here I'll eat it, if not, then I'll make do.

Maybe I'll take a nap or something.  It's nice out.  I wonder if we'll get storms today, like they said we might.  Hmm, I'd like to take some cool cloud pictures if we do.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Happy to be back in the saddle

I was looking forward to my sesh with Charro this morning, since I hadn't seen her since last Wednesday, and I had a lot to talk about.  I'm glad I'm seeing her again on Monday, because I still have stuff to talk about.  Next week is a normal week for me, as far as seeing her goes, but then I'm away again for work so I'll miss a day.  After that, I should be back to normal, minus Labor Day, but I can make that day up during that week.  So, that should be good.

I have to go to the gym in a bit.  I need to start getting my butt in better shape.  I'm never in the shape I want to be in, let's face it.  I can't decide if I want to run today or do the elliptical.  Well, let's be honest, I never want to run unless I'm told that I'm not allowed to run, so maybe I'll do the elliptical.  If the weather cooperates, I plan on rollerblading about 10-12 miles tomorrow.  Hopefully it will, but it's supposed to rain in the morning. :(  You can't rollerblade when the ground is wet.

I almost broke the top of my foot today, but I didn't.  My blender fell out of my cabinet and I tried to stop it with my foot so it wouldn't break.  Well, I didn't stop it, it fell and broke.  I just ordered a new one.  That's my story.

Charro asked me if I weighed myself.  I said, "No, but I want to."  She asked why and I told her that I wanted to know what happened while I was away.  She said, "Because you think you lost weight?"  I said, "I don't know, I go back and forth between thinking I lost weight and thinking I gained weight.  Well, I can't weigh myself until the 24th...two more weeks.  It's harder this time than it was last time.  I just want to know how much I weigh.  She told me that I should eat more, regardless of whether or not I think I lost weight.  I can't deal with weight gain.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Somewhat rested

I slept, with cats all over me, which was nice.  They are happy to have momma home.

I really want to weigh myself and part of me just wants to do it but then I would feel so guilty because I promised Charro that I would not.  I want to see if I lost or gained weight while I was away.  My brother doesn't have much food in his house so I was starving all the time.  Here's the thing that really got me, I was in the pool with my sis-in-law and nieces and the 8 year old said that she wanted some pretzels.  Well, her mother goes, "Why don't you swim off the calories you just ate before you eat anything else."  I was livid and saddened by that comment.  One of my nieces is going to end up with an ED, I just know it, and that is going to kill me.  I was so mad that she said that to my niece.  Both of the girls are thin and they should be able to eat whatever they want, whenever they want it.  Grrr.  I emailed that to Charro and she was not pleased, as I imagined she wouldn't be. 

I have a lot to talk about with Charro tomorrow.   I think the sesh will fly by. 

I'm still really sad about my dad's friend.  He had another stroke and apparently they're going to let him go.  As sad as it is, it's probably better for him and his wife.  It just makes me so sad though.  I wish it could make me flip a switch in my brain and be normal.  God, I really wish that could happen.

Last night I had a dream I was going to see Stephanie.  That's two Steph dreams this week, kind of weird, but whatever.  I do miss seeing her.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Night time

I'm back and I'm exhausted.  If my friends didn't stop over, I would have been in bed by 8:30, but they just left so now I have to get ready for bed.  I had a nice trip.  I'm happy to be home.  My cats are happy that I'm home.  I will have to compose my thoughts and write something tomorrow when I'm not half asleep.  I have a lot to talk to Charro about on Friday, so that will be good to see her.  Right now, it's bed time.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

i  have a lot to write but it is a pain in the ass to type o this thing so it will have to wait.  i head home tomorrow.  

my dad's good friend had a stroke and fell down the stairs yesterday.  his wife found him uncnscious and bleeding profusely.  he is now paralized from the waist down, maybe arms too.  it makes me so sad and sick to think about.  it is so awful and i cant imagine everyone's life changing like that that instantly.  i'm really upset by this awful accident.  seems like a lot of bad things have been happening lately. 

gotta run.  birthday dinner for my niece.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

happy sunday

there will be a serious lack of capital letters and proper punctuation because i am typing on my tablet, so disregard that.  

I had a dream that i was seeing charro and she was pissung me of because she took a phone call and i was left waiting.  finaly she just told me to talk to steph for the rest of our sesh.  so, i went to get her, she was there and then she wasn't, so i got mad.

I must go runningnin the morning....i ended up not working out today and that is not good.  i swam some laps but that was it and that is not enough.  blah, big workout tomorrow.

i feel fat.  i'm going to bed early tonught because i've been out late the past two nights.


alive and tired

I am away, keeping busy and having fun.  I'm wiped out.  I wil write tomorrow.  I tried wakeboarding today,p and man is that hard.  I really need to go to bed now.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Not really feeling this trip

I'm trying to pack for my trip, which I don't even feel like going on.  It's costing me a million dollars that I don't have, but I'm going to make my brother happy, although I'm not really even sure he even cares.  My sister-in-law is a miserable person and not fun to be around.  My nieces are wonderful.  My brother isn't much of a conversationalist, though he's a good guy.  This is going to be a long 6 days.  Well, I guess it's more like 5 days, which sounds much better to me, because day 6 is a travel day.  My flight is not direct, which also sucks.  My mom just told me that I'm going to have to take a cab from the airport to my brother's office, which doesn't make me happy.  Seriously, I'll already have over $60 in cab fare, now tack on another, who knows how much.  I don't know why my brother doesn't get in touch with me and tell me these things.  Maybe I'm just stressed and pmsing.

I thought I was going to get to see my friend Jen, but now I'm not sure that's going to work out.  It would be nice, since we haven't seen each other in a while, so hopefully we can figure it out. 

I guess I should get back to packing and cleaning.  Fun times.  I also need to make myself work out Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, even if it's only a 30 minute run each day.  Maybe they have a bike I can fit on to go for a ride, although I'd probably get lost.  Ha.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

My shorts grew

I put on my shorts this morning and they were huge.  Now, these shorts were big anyway, but I don't remember them being this big, but it could just be my forgetfulness or something because none of my other clothes got bigger on me.  I'm pretty sure all of my other clothes fit me the same.

I am not looking forward to pants season though.  I'm fine wearing shorts, but I hate pants because I hate my thighs.  Jean season is the death of me.

I've been starving all day.  Well, not really, I just feel like I was hungry a lot today and have already eaten quite a bit.  Oh well.  I feel fat, but what can I really do about it right now? 

I can't weigh myself again until the 24th.  I can't believe it's even August already.  That stinks.  I hate that summer goes by so fast.  Makes me so sad. :(