Thursday, May 31, 2012

Burnt tongue and fat day

I was/am having a fat day today.  I feel fat.  I look fat.  I don't like it and I don't want to eat.  I hate feeling all fat and huge, well, it's even worse that I look it and feel it.  It would be okay, well, more okay, if I just felt it and didn't see it.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  I'm going to go for a run and hope that helps.  I ran to teach class tonight, but that's only a mile.  I'm planning on running Saturday too.

I burned my tongue on tea tonight.  It was really good tea!!  I didn't finish it all so I have some to drink cold tomorrow.

Okay, let's go back to how much I hate feeling so fat.  (My ear is itchy).  It's the worst.  I'm hungry right now too, which doesn't help.  I'm apparently going to go to bed hungry.  I didn't really eat dinner so I had a yogurt when I got home a little while ago.  It wasn't enough but there is nothing that I really want, nor do I really want to eat anything right now because it's late and I'm feeling 87 months pregnant.

Maybe I'll dry my hair and go to bed.

Not use to these

I got two new bikinis, same exact ones just different colors, and they have padding in the tops.  I am so not use to having boobs so it feels and looks very odd to me.  I'm like "What are these things?"  Weird.

So I'm sort of feeling the I need to work out more and lose weight thing.  I'm not quite sure why, but I am.  I feel like I need to just run, run, run.  I'll run on the beach all next week, which is good because it really tones up the legs.  It's only 1.5 miles each way, so if I do it all it's only 3 miles, but I'll be on vacation, will I really feel like running more?  Maybe I can be really motivated and run it twice and get 6 miles out of it, or I guess I could not do the whole thing a second time and cut make it like 4.5-5 miles.  Three miles just isn't enough for me because I work out more than that when I go to FL.  Maybe I can swim laps or something in the ocean.  I don't know.  I can't imagine that I'll be eating that much, so maybe I'll lose weight, which probably wouldn't be good because I'm sure Charro is going to weigh me that first day back in her office on Tuesday.  I'll be wearing a dress too because I have to go straight to an assembly after that, and none of my dresses weigh a ton so I can already tell that this won't be good.  Hmmm.  Maybe I can talk her into not weighing my until Friday.  Maybe I just shouldn't care that I won't weigh "enough."

I kind of miss Stephanie.  Maybe I'll run into her on the street sometime soon.  Well, I guess it won't be next week since I will be in the Caribbean. 

It is so freaking noisy outside my apartment.  I can't stand it.  I had to shut my window.

I need to go to CVS and get my medicine.  Maybe I'll stop and get a pineapple on the way home.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The walking dead

I saw this severely anorexic girl at the store today.  She looked like she was about to fall over and she looked a lot older than she is.  I thought "holy shit!"  Her face was yellow and her body was a fragile twig.  She looked absolutely horrible.  I wondered how she could get that bad.  I wonder if her family knows or if they're in another state or city.  I wonder how she manages to function everyday.  It makes me think that I really don't have an ED at all because I manage to function and live a normal life without obsessing about everything constantly.  I do, however, want to weight myself right now, but that could be because I just ate lunch with a friend and I feel fat.  That's a little obsessive, I realize, but not crazy.  This girl needs a feeding tube shoved into her and she needs to be hospitalized for 6 months.  Now I really see that I would not need to go IP every, thank God!

The beach is coming

One week from today I'll be laying on a beach in the Caribbean.  That will be very, very nice. :)  My friend who I'm going with is a very healthy eater and likes to work out, so none of that is going to be an issue for me.  It probably wouldn't have been anyway.  Obviously I will really go 6 days without weighing myself, which will be fine because I've been doing that for the most part anyway.  I'm not worried about any of the stuff that I would usually think about a bit.  If the weather is great, it's going to be a great vacation.  I can't wait to take a million pictures of the beach and the sunsets.  That is my favorite thing.  I'm hoping for the million dollar shot!

I'm going to skip the gym today.  I worked out yesterday morning and when I got back to the city I had to carry my heavy luggage and bags back to my apartment, and then I walked about 3 miles carrying my field hockey stuff, and then I played field hockey.  I think I'm allowed a break today.  I need to go get a gift for my friend so I'll end up doing some walking today.  That will be good enough.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Organizing

The weather was absolutely perfect this weekend.  Awesome.  I had a nice time at home and don't really want to head back to NYC, but I guess I have to.

I finally got that thing I was waiting for, that was 14 days late.  That's good, now I'll be home free while I'm on vacation.  I'll feel good and that will be good. 

I'm probably going to head to bed soon.  I have a busy day tomorrow, work wise and other stuff.  So, that's about it.  I can't find something that I'm looking for so I hope it's in my apartment and not here.  I can't find it here which leads me to believe that I brought it back to NYC.  I hope so.

This post couldn't be anymore boring.  I weighed myself this morning.  It was lower than Charro would like, by five.  Well, not that she "would like," but more like what she says I "have" to be.  Blah!  We'll see about that.

I cleaned and organized tonight.  I couldn't find something else I was looking for either, which is weird because it should have been in an album with all of the other stuff.  It was a picture.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Sunday nonsense

I'm home.  I'll probably head to bed soon.  I almost wrote, "I'll probably head to the gym soon."  Ha, no, it's closed and I'm going to bed so I can wake up in the morning and get my butt to the gym.  I hope I don't see Mean Debbie.  I hate her!!  She's the "C" word and I don't even use that word. :)

This apartment situation has me stressed out.  I hate that.  I hate leaving my cats too.  I hope they're okay.  I'm sure they are.

I'm getting the "I need to work out more" feeling.  We'll see what happens with that.  Maybe I should start doing more push-ups and planks.

Happy Memorial Day weekend

Happy Memorial Day weekend.  :)  I'm heading home early this afternoon to spend some time in the "country."  Smores tomorrow at my friend's house, which I love, but I will no doubtedly leave there feeling disgusting and blah.  It will be okay though...I think.

So I ended up running by myself yesterday.  I thought I got blown off, but apparently the lady messaged me on FB, but I never got it.  She said she messaged me and then she said she resent it just now but I still didn't get it.  That's bizarre.

I would be so happy if I really had cramps right now, but I don't think I really do, it might just be the way I'm sitting.

I hate leaving my kitties.  They'll miss me and I'll miss them.  Meow.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Hoping not to get blown off

So I was all set to go running by myself this morning and then one of my friends said she'd run with me.  So, I'm waiting for her and hoping she doesn't bag out because I don't think I can motivate myself to go now.  I was all motivated early, but that passed at 9:15, so now I'm going to be really mad if she bags out.  She's not really a friend, but this lady I met, and I'd rather run with someone than run by myself, so I'm holding out.  I wonder if I can motivate myself to run while I'm home this weekend?  Hmmm...might be a nice change of scene.  I love going home and being in the "country," as these city people call it.

I cleaned my apartment this morning.  They are jackhammering outside, and have been since about 8 this morning.  Seriously...on a Saturday morning??  Not cool.  I was awake so I guess it didn't really matter.

So I hope I'm not going to die during this run.  This woman is a big runner, but I'm hoping that if she wants to run far, she runs slow.  Lord help me, I don't know what I might have gotten myself into.  I hope she doesn't want to go at like 1 PM too because that's not cool.  That's dead in the middle of the day and will be a million degrees.

I better get my freaking period soon because I don't want it while I'm on vacation.  I was supposed to get it two weeks ago.  Ugh!!  Just come now so I can get rid of you!!!!  Stupid thing!

Maybe I'll vacuum now.

Friday, May 25, 2012

I hate being stressed

I don't like being stressed.  I don't like the way I feel when I'm stressed.  It's yucky.  I'd much rather eat dessert, which can sometimes make me stressed, but it's a different kind of stress so that's totally okay.

I should start cleaning out my apartment in case I have to move.  I have SO much crap.  I don't want to have to think about this anymore.  I hope can de-stress when I'm laying on a tropical island in less than two weeks.  Crazy to think that I'm still going and booked this yesterday.

I need to change my focus.  I need to do a vision board and write things down, like a new job, more money, a husband.  That should be my goal today.  I need to get what I want in life.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Stinker box

Ugh, I got the dreaded call from my landlord today, one week before my lease is up.  They want to raise my rent 200 dollars.  Well, I can't do that...and why are you only giving me one weeks notice about this???  That really put a damper on my mood and stress level today.  So, I'm going to start apartment hunting, which is not fun.  BLAH!!  So, I'm not a happy camper right night, even though I just booked a flight to go away in less than two weeks, obviously a spur of the moment thing, but a great opportunity arose.  Blah!

My feet feel dirty.  I have to empty the litter box.  I say stinker box to everything right now!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Oh yeah, I forgot

I was going to eat dinner two hours ago but I somehow got sidetracked.  I'm not really hungry, so it's okay.  I did have a yogurt when I got home, so maybe that was enough.  Oh, I do have a pear so maybe I will eat that in a little bit.

My feet feel dirty so I need to wash them because I changed my sheets today.

So I don't see Charro until June 4 so does that mean I can weigh myself a bunch of times between now and then??  I want to weigh myself now, actually.  Maybe I will, or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow morning.

I can't wait to go to bed tonight on my new egg crate.  I'm tired and I hope I sleep well.

It stinks that I won't see Charro next week.  Oh well.

Get pumped

I'm trying to pump myself up for my run at the gym.  It's going to be hard today since I won't have anything good to watch on TV.  I would go this afternoon so I could watch my show, but I have a meeting, so I can't.  So I must go now and try and make it through 6 miles.  Help!  Maybe my music and thoughts will get me through it.  Let's hope.

I won't see Charro until June 4th because of Memorial Day.  WIF is scheduled for June 8th, when she's back in her other office where she has the doctor's scale.  Yay, WIF.  (Said with absolutely NO enthusiasm).  However, there is a chance that I may go away, which means that I'll miss WIF and it will have to wait another week.  What a shame. :)  I guess it's going to happen every Friday anyway, so I should just accept it.  Maybe I'll accept it as soon as Charro accepts that I'm not actually going to willingly gain weight.  I don't see anything wrong with being 98 lbs.

Why does my cat always sit on my phone?  One time it buzzed and he didn't even wake up.  I have weird cats.

I guess I should go to the gym and do this. 

Monday, May 21, 2012

No WIMS

So Charro informed me that we won't be having WIM because the scale does not work on the carpet.  (duh).  She said, "I remembered that I use to have a board that I'd put down, but Bruce (the guy she rents the office from) throws everything out unless there's a name on it."  She then added, "I'm sure you got a good laugh out of that." (the scale error).  I said, "Yes, I did laugh all week about it.  It was quite funny." 

She asked what I weighed and I told her what I weighed today, with all of my clothes on, after eating 2 meals.  I told her that it's not my real weight, but she doesn't by that because she says it's obsessive for me to have to weigh myself after going to the bathroom, first thing in the morning, with no clothes on.  I said, "But that's my real weight."  We're not on the same wavelength there.

So, we discussed why I have so much guilt today.  We didn't come up with anything.

I just rememebered that I woke up starving last night.  Let's hope that doesn't happen tonight.

Low clouds

It's a yucky day, after a perfect weekend.  It's cold and rainy, which means that I probably won't be walking to my sesh with Charro.  That stinks.  There is seriously a cloud so low that it's right outside my window.  I actually think I just heard thunder.

I guess I should get ready to go to the gym.  I wonder if Charro's going to give that scale another shot.  Ha!!  I guess we'll know soon enough.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Makes no sense to me

I've been eating like crazy all weekend.  Well, not because I've been starving and eating a lot, but because I've gone out to eat the past two nights and am going out tonight.  I've eaten a lot more than I usual would and things I wouldn't normally eat.  So today, after I worked out which means that it's actually more than it would be had I weighed myself first thing in the morning, I weighed myself.  What happened?  I lost weight.  How is that even possible?  I'm sure it will end sometime.  I have to eat out tonight and tomorrow night we have our pizza party for lacrosse.  Ugh.  I guess Tuesday I can cleanse myself or something.  I just can't believe I lost weight.

My new vacuum came yesterday, which is very exciting. :)  Yay.

I hope Charro doesn't weigh me tomorrow or ask me how much I weight.  Watch, tomorrow I'll weigh more.  I actually hadn't weighed myself all week, which is impressive.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Let us run

I'm going for a very much needed run with my friend this morning.  I went to dinner with friends last night and at way more than I usually eat and things I wouldn't normally eat.  Other than feeling extremely uncomfortable physically, I felt okay.  I felt a lot better when I got home and went to the bathroom.  TMI, I know.  I definitely need to get a good calorie burning work out this morning.  We'll probably only run about 4 miles, but then we're going to walk another 4+ miles later, so that will be good.  Tomorrow I'll teach aerobics and hopefully play field hockey, if we get enough people to play.  So, it should be a good work out weekend.

The weather is perfect.  I love it.  I have Charro on Monday and then no Charro for two weeks.  Maybe I should go see Steph. ;)  Just kidding.  My cat wants to go out but I don't want to get up to let him out.

That is all.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I don't really like the color orange

I'm sick of taking my colitis medicine.  I don't know why, it's not like it requires a lot of work.  I open the bottle, take 4 pills and call it a day, but for some reason I'm suddenly tired of doing this.  I guess I can't stop so I'll just have to deal with it.  At least I don't have to stick meds up my butt every night anymore, that's a good thing. 

I'm using my cat as a head rest.  He keeps drinking out of my water glasses, which is highly annoying because then I have to go get a new drink.  It was really cute at first, but now it's not.  I wonder how many times I drank my water after he's gotten at it??

Charro emailed me about Memorial Day.  I assumed she wasn't working, which she isn't, and she confirmed that.  That means I can go home and bask in the sun...if it's sunny. :)  So, I'll see her next Monday, and then I won't see her until the first week of June, at which point I'll start seeing her twice a week and we will resume WIF.  Oh, how thrilling.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

How did I ever do that?

My workout today was kind of pointless, but I guess that's okay.  My legs were tired from my run yesterday.  I don't know how I use to do it.  I use to work out for 2-3 hours a day, ever day of the week and would go months without skipping a day.  How did I now fall over?  I don't get it.  I'm sure there were days where I only spent an hour at the gym, and it was a pathetic workout, but I don't remember.  I do remember feeling completely guilty if I didn't burn enough calories, or workout long enough, or if, for some reason, I couldn't make it to the gym.  I'd freak out when that happened.  At least I'm not there anymore.  I guess it must have been pretty exhausting.  I honestly don't know how I did it.  I go to the gym in the morning, go back at night, that was it.

It's so noisy outside my apartment.  They're drilling the street, or something.

Charro comes back to full time in a few weeks.  I told her that I would only be going twice a week, but we didn't get a chance to discuss it because I was heading out the door when she brought it up.  I will discuss it with her and tell her that I would have continued with three days, if I could afford it.  She probably doesn't want to see me that often anyway, since I'm "not working on the ED."  Oh well.

I don't know what the heck to have for lunch today.  Maybe I'll buy some sweet potatoes for dinner.  I can't eat too much sweet potato or I will have a serious digestive issue.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A weird pants statement

So yesterday Charro and I were talk about what it would be like to not have an eating disorder.  We were talking about going on vactions and she said how I should be able to "feel free, completely in the moment, experience something different.  It's not to be like freaking out inside your pants. (Insert strange look frome me)  That sounded awful."  We both started laughing because that just sounded so incredibly wrong.  Haha.
I'm still laughing over the scale mishap when Charro tried to weigh me yesterday.  I get way too much joy and pleasure out of it.  :) 

So, she said something really funny about pants yesterday, and I can't remember what it was, but it sounded really dirty.  I'll quote it after I listen to the sesh.  I just gave her a look and she commented on how that didn't sound right.  Ha.

I don't know what I'm going to do all day.  I guess I should do work.  I'm hitting the treadmill at 3 PM for my 6 mile run.  It's going to pour rain today and then it's supposed to clear up tomorrow.  Let's hope!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

A funny WIM

Okay, so I had an okay sesh with Charro today.  I think I told her that I don't really want to work on the ED, but I'm not quite sure.  I'll have to listen to the sesh to know what exactly was said and decided.  Anyway, at the end of the sesh she said, "Okay, it's time for WIM."  I said, "Do I have to get up now?"  So I walk over to the scale, and it's this crappy digital one, so I say, "You know, these aren't accurate on carpets."  So I step on and it says I weigh 71 pounds.  Ha.  So I looked at Charro and started laughing and go "I don't think it's working.  If I weighed 71 pounds you would have me in an ambulance to the hospital."  She grabs the scale and shakes it and says, "It worked this morning.  Get back on."  So as I'm getting on she goes, "I just shook it."  I now weigh 81 lbs.  Ha.  So I go, "Do you want me to get back on it?  Maybe it's going up in increments of 10?  LOL.  So she opens her door and looks around and then comes back in and says, "I could have you go do it on the wood but I don't want to compromise your confidentiality."  I said, "In the waiting room!!??  I don't think so!!!"  She goes, "There's no one out there right."  I go, "Well what if someone comes in?  I'm not going out there."  So I put my shoes on and get my jacket on (oh, I had a fleece tied around my waste the whole time too and she didn't tell me to take it off), and say, "Do you want me to step back on?"  She goes, "Yeah."  So I do and now I weigh 91 lbs.  I said, "See, it is going up in increments of 10."  I said, "I obviously don't weigh 71 pounds because you would know."  She goes, "How would I know?" I said, "Um, by looking at me!  You and everyone else would know if I lost 30 pounds."

I thought this whole episode was just fantastic!!  I totally got out of WIM.  I laughed about it the entire time.  Oh, the numbers were doing this weird flickering thing and she goes, "It wasn't doing this before."  HAHAHAHA!!  I won.  :)  It was fun.  I don't know if there will be another attempt at WIM next week.

Oh, I told her too that I can only do two times a week when she comes back in June.  We didn't get to discuss it though.  Maybe I'll shoot her an email.  I don't want to that, but I don't have a choice, financially.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Tomorrow is WIM

Well, if Charro has a scale in her office tomorrow, we will have WIM.  I got out of it last week, since she didn't have the scale, but I'm not sure I'll be so lucky tomorrow.  Here's one positive, if there are any, and in my mind it's not really a positive, I think I weigh 2000 pounds so WIM shouldn't be that bad.  She's still going to tell me I need to "keep going," or that I "have to gain."  I kind of just want to say "screw it" and tell her that I'm not going to gain weight.  I should bring in all the thoughts I wrote down the other day, but I don't want too.  I don't want to talk about them. 

I might have to weigh myself now.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Now that was weird

The weirdest thing just happened.  I knocked over my favorite palm tree glass filled with water and broke it. I got glass in my hand so I went into the bathroom to get a bandaid because I was bleeding.  I looked in the mirror and saw my arms and thought, wow, my arms look so skinny.  They look like anorexic arms.  Now, I have short sleeves on that are pretty long and come to my elbow, so I can only seem my forearm, if I had seen my upper arm I wouldn't have thought that.  I just kept looking at them and then I wondered if that is what they really look like or if it was just some weird vision.  Is that what they look like and is that what other people see??  I don't know and I can't figure it out.  I'll never be able to figure it out.  All I can say is...WEIRD!!

I hope I got the glass all cleaned up so my cats don't step on it and hurt themselves.  I think I got the glass out of my finger.  I might have a piece in my hand, I'm not sure.  I don't want my kitties to hurt their paw pads.  Speaking of kitties, my cats sent me a Mother's Day card. :)  I got it in the mail today (from my mom, obviously).  I thought that was cute.

I wrote a letter

Well, actually it was an email, not a letter to the psychologist at the school I work at.  One of my field hockey players is anorexic.  I saw her yesterday after having not seeing her for months and she looks horrible.  She's not deathly thin, but her face looks drawn, her eyes are sunken and she has such bags under them, and she looks frail and spacey.  So, I emailed the school psych about her.  Of course now the psych is going to know that I had, or have, eating issues because I picked up on this so easily and stuff.  I don't really care if she knows, as long as my girls don't know, which they don't, so that's fine.  I'm curious to now what will happen, if she'll email me back about the girl, or if she'll talk to the girl. I'm sure the girl will deny everything.

Today was the most beautiful day.  I'm wiped from standing in the sun for a few hours.  Now I've got some important stuff to do. :)

And so it is

I'm better this morning, only because I weighed myself and was okay with the number.  Okay, maybe that's a problem, who knows.  I'm just happy that I feel better. :) 

The weather is BEAUTIFUL!!!  I'm so happy and can't wait to be outside all day long.  Unfortunately I'll be coaching and not laying on a beach somewhere, but that's okay.  I'll be out there breathing in the fresh air and soaking up the sun.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Blahs

Okay, so I don't want to eat dinner even though I'm hungry because I'm obsessed with my weight and being a certain weight and I'm not at that weight because I've been eating crap all week, probably because I'm pmsing, and I think I gained weight, but it's hard to tell because I just weighed myself with clothes on and after drinking a lot of water.  How's that for a run-on sentence?? 

I wasn't supposed to weigh myself but I did.  I had to so I could figure out what I could eat or not eat.  Well, okay, I guess this might be an issue.

My apartment has a funny smell.

A cat nap sounds good

I had a dream, last night, that Stephanie called me to check up on me.  I thought it was weird that she was calling me, and it caught me by surprise because she never called me.  Well, she called me twice but I knew she'd be calling me those times.  So, I picked up the phone (back in my dream) and when she started talking I recognized her voice.  I was very excited to hear her on the other end.  I remember thinking, she never calls me.  That was my dream, thrilling, right?  Not as exciting as my dream the night before where I was on three different tropical islands, one I made up in my head, but the other two are real places.

I'm tired.  I went to bed late, woke up early, and didn't sleep well because my parents were here and my mom didn't sleep well and they were sleeping 3 feet from me, and I was afraid my cat was going to poop on their suitcases or somewhere on there stuff.  That did not happen.  One of them puked, and I'm still not sure where that happened, but my dad and I both heard it.

I haven't weighed myself.  Maybe I will today.  I'm sure I've gained weight.  Well, that will make Charro happy.  Ugh, WIM next week.  Maybe she won't have the scale again.  I beat her to our sesh on Monday, maybe that's why she didn't have it that day. Who knows, maybe she's messing with me, although she doesn't play mind games so she's not messing with me.  If she says she's going to weigh me, she will.  FUN.  I really don't see why I can't weigh myself.  It doesn't affect me at all.

"I need a nap, man." was what just came out of my mouth to no one but myself, and maybe my two cats, who are having a lovely nap (as usual) on my bed.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Cat on a lap

I was vacuuming until my vacuum died, so I sat down and now I have a cat on me.  Clearly I'm not getting up anytime soon.

The sun is finally out, but it's not that warm out.  It's windy too.  I just realized that I haven't brushed my teeth yet.  I need to do that once said cat has removed herself from my body.  I need to finish cleaning my apartment because my parents are staying with me tonight.  I'm sleepy.  I like that this post has no rhyme or reason and does not follow the rules of the English language.  EW, Rachael Ray is making "hot dog fries."  That is NASTY.  I think I might throw.

I want to weigh myself.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Here's the thing...

If I'm not hungry, I'm not going to eat.  I've eaten plenty today, so if I don't eat dinner tonight, there will be no harm done.  I'm not hungry.  I had a big lunch, so I'm not going to force myself to eat dinner.  If I get hungry, I'll eat something, but I'm not going to force feed myself.  I'm feeling fat too, but that's another story.  That has nothing to do with me not eating dinner, my lack of hunger does.

The sun is supposed to come out tomorrow.  Let's hope that it does.

Why fix it?

I'm guessing I should probably eat lunch.  I'm not hungry but I won't get an opportunity to eat again until 7:30 or so, so I should probably eat. 

I wrote out a bunch of thoughts last night that I might share with Charro, but I don't really think I want to.  I should, but I don't really want to.  I think I just don't want to work on this whole ED thing anymore.  I'm kind of fine with how I am right now so there's no real need to change things.  Why fix it if it ain't broken, right?  I'm afraid if I tell Charro that, she won't see me anymore.  I think I said this in my last post, but I need someone to talk to about things, so I can't have her say that to me.


I want to get Lasik.  Random, I know, but I want it.


It's been raining here since last Monday.  I'm none too thrilled.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Now I see it

I was on the street corner watching all of these A-list celebs pile into an event via the red carpet last night.  All of these women were getting out of their black Escalades and they were all 9 feet tall and 7 pounds.  Now I see why girls start feeling like crap about themselves and like they need to starve themselves.  I felt like crap too, after seeing these women.

I'm feeling fat and gross right now.  I'm "supposed" to be gaining weight, but I'm not going to intentionally do that.  Maybe I should just tell Charro that I don't want to change and that I'm fine with the way I am.  If I do that, she'll tell me that I can't see her anymore, but it really helps to talk to her about stuff, even if I'm not really working on my ED stuff.  I don't have anyone else to be open with, so I need her.  I told her that I like just talking, even if I'm not working on the ED, but she didn't go for that.

I hate all of this.  Why can't it be easier?
I guess my sesh with Charro wasn't all that exciting yesterday.  We touched on a lot of things, but then I went off on other tangents so we didn't stay on those things.  Totally my fault, I'm aware of that.  I did tell her that I don't really plan on gaining the weight that she wants me to gain.  She asked me if we should just pretend that I am and I said, "yes."  She asked if that was helpful and I said, "I still get to talk about things so it is helpful."  She doesn't really buy that though.  She asked if I was "committed to gaining."  I said, "Not really."

I love how Charro said the her colleague "borrowed" her scale.  I think it's the other way around.  Charro doesn't have a scale in that office so I don't know what the hell she's talking about.  Maybe she won't have it again on Monday.  I had the perfect pants on yesterday because they were cargo pants and I had all my crap in my pockets, keys and phone.  I'll have to find another pair of those next week.

I'm planning, or hoping to, run 6 miles this afternoon.  I haven't done that in a few months, since the whole foot thing.  I'm going to hit the treadmill, watch the closer and run.  I did a lot yesterday, so my legs are probably tired too.  I worked out, but only for 30 minutes, then I walked really fast 4 miles to Charro, then walked another 2 miles, and stood on my feet for about 3 hours, which is more tiring than actually moving.  So, 6 miles may not actually happen.  We'll see.

Monday, May 07, 2012

No WIM

We we had no WIM today because Charro didn't get the scale back from her colleague.  Clearly, I was extremely upset and disappointed.  HAHA!! :)  So, WIM next week and she said that I need to gain weight.  She asked me how much I weigh and I didn't really know how to answer that so I said, "Well Steph weighed me on Thursday and I was 98 something."  Then she asked what I weigh, so I had to come up with something, so I said "Well I weighed 100 before I came here."  (That was with all my clothes on).  Well, she says I need to gain weight for next week.  Then she was like "Why did you tell me what you weighed with Steph?"  I was like, "I don't know, her scale is more accurate??"

I gotta run.  More later maybe.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Here comes WIM

Oh and I'm so not looking forward to it.  Charro's back...and so is the scale.  This isn't going to be fun or pretty.  She's going to get mad at me and I'm not going to want to hear what she has to say.  Blah!!  Maybe this scale won't be accurate and it will be a little bathroom scale because I don't know how she's going to get a real scale, like the one at the outpatient place she works at (where I see her twice a week).  I guess I'll find out sooner rather than later.  Maybe she'll forget the scale or forget that she said she was going to weigh me.  We'll see.  I'll drink a lot of water.

My guide

So I wrote up a guideline book for Stephanie regarding the therapist/client relationship after their work together ends.  I wrote it because we were having a discussion about it and she asked "according to who," when I said there was a book about it.  I told her I was going to send her the manual.  I hope she finds it funny.  Here it is.

A THERAPIST’S GUIDE TO THE POST-THERAPEUTIC RELATIONSHIP:

Befriending your client

By: Me, B.A., and M.S.

(Also available in pamphlet form)
The relationship between a therapist and their client is one that is very important. Trust must be present on both ends in order for the client to get the most out of their work together. While trust is an extremely important aspect of the relationship, the two must also feel connected to each other. If the client does not feel comfortable with, and connected to the therapist, the client will most likely hold back during his/her session. The therapist must also feel connected to the client. If the therapist feels that she is not the right fit for her client, she may refer her (for the sake of time, because my time is so limited, I will now refer to the client as a female) to another therapist.


There are times when the therapist and client get along extremely well and form a strong bond. It is times like these when each think, hmm, what would it be like to hang out with this person? I bet she’d be a lot of fun and we’d have fun together. This is where my guidelines come into play. After several decades of research, and countless studies, here’s what I have concluded:


• If the client and therapist worked together for less than 6 months, it is completely acceptable for the two to become friends.
• Some associations say a therapist must wait 2 years before befriending a former client.
• The client must be mentally stable enough, i.e., not psychotic in anyway or have any serious personality disorders. Someone with who has/had an eating disorder does not fit into those categories and would make a good friend.
• Both the client and therapist must have a fantastic sense of humor.
• The former client must be aware that their relationship is strictly a friendship from that point on and must not expect more advice than that of which a friend would give.
• If the therapist is still working towards their PhD, it is the therapist’s decision if they would like to befriend their client after waiting 16 months rather than two years. Once having received their PhD, they must ethically wait two years.


There are several benefits to expanding one’s relationship into a friendship after therapy has been terminated.


• The client doesn’t have to pretend to be someone she’s not, or “hide” her true self from the former therapist, now friend, since the therapist/friend already knows the person’s quirks.
• The friendship would be stronger because of the above.
• The client would grow from learning more about the therapist.
• The therapist would get to enjoy and learn more about her former client, and see what she is like, and how much fun she is, in real life. :)
• The therapist would laugh endlessly, which would help increase her mood and strengthen the abdominal muscles. (Warning - Cheeks tend to hurt and eyes tend to water if the laughter is too hard)
• Intellectual conversation could be had over a nice cup of tea, or coffee, whichever one prefers.
• The client grows from the developing friendship because she is able to reciprocate her care for the therapist, and willingness to learn more about her, which in turn teaches her more about relationships.


These are some of the basic guidelines and benefits to befriending a client. In my research, I have found it to be a very positive experience for both parties. I especially believe that the two parties, whom I would like to have take part in my next trial, would be no exception to the rule. I’ve found that a good personality and a great sense of humor are key factors in making these types of relationships work. The one negative I’ve seen out of this is when the therapist is unwilling to give the friendship a try (providing the therapist likes their client and would want to be friends with her) for fear that it may “screw up” the work they have done in the past. If the client is well-grounded, it is very unlikely that this will happen. Sometimes I feel as though a therapist may give too much thought to the “what ifs,” causing them to miss out on the possibilities. To that I say, don’t think, just do.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Crotchless pants and other funnies

So when I walked into my sesh with Steph she said, "I'm going to weigh you for our last session."  I said, "Oh Jesus."  She goes, "It makes me uncomfortable when people refer to me as Jesus."  I said, "I'm sorry.  O Mighty One."  She goes, "That might make me more uncomfortable, I'm not sure."  It was funny. 

Then I was talking and it made the scale numbers keep moving.  I said, "It keeps going up."  She goes, "Stop talking to me!"


So I sit down and I'm wearing jeans.  I go "Don't worry, these are my non-crotchless pants again.  I mean non-holeless"  She goes, "Do you have...(laugh)"  (I interrupt her and say "No I do not.") and she goes "And do you wear them out? (laughing)."  I say, "Yes, and I like to wear them on the subway, while seated."  EW!  Ha.  It was pretty funny.  We got a good laugh.

Friday, May 04, 2012

Goodbye Steph...

I had a really great last sesh with Stephanie yesterday.  She weighed me as soon as I got in there so I didn't have to make a move to the scale.  We talked about stuff.  I told her how I didn't want to make a decision about who I wanted to see because I wanted to see them both (Charro and Steph).  She asked me how I felt about that being our last sesh and I said I was sad.  She said that she was sad too.  I think she really likes me and likes working with me, which makes me feel good, obviously.  She's said several times, since we've been working together, even the first time around, that she would miss me and likes working with me.


I asked her if she would say hi if we saw each other on the street.  She said that she would.  I told her how it's stupid that we couldn't never be friends because we worked together.  Then I said that it was stupid.  I said something about us meeting up in 10 years and being friends and we got into a big discussion about us being friends.  She asked why I'd want to be friends with her and I told her that I think she's probably really fun when she's out and because she's funny.  She said, "I am fun when I'm out."  She also said that she thinks I would be fun to hang out with.  We talked about the ethics of therapists and clients becoming friends after time has past and she said she might be open to it somewhere down the road but that there haven't really been any studies done on how it would effect the client.  I told her that I'd be the test person and we could find out.  I really don't think it would be weird at all.  I said, "It would be weird if I started hanging out with Charro.  It's not like I'd ask her to grab a cup of coffee with me next week because that would be really weird."  I think it's different because I haven't seen Steph for that long and she's a couple years younger than Charro, not that Charro is old at all and my best friend is older than she is, I guess I just I'd probably have more in common with Stephanie.  She said that it does say that you have to wait two years to be friends.  I said, "Okay, so on May 3, 2014 I'll email you and see if you want to grab a cup of tea.  I don't think you'll say yes, but I'm going do it just because I said I was going to."  She goes, "I don't think I'd feel comfortable after two years."  I told her I was still going to email her. 

She told me that I can email her and let her know how I'm doing.  I told her that I wouldn't know what to email her about and then said, "What if you don't want me to email you and you tell me to stop?"  She asked me how I'd feel if she did tell me to stop emailing her and I said I would be upset.  She said, "I don't think you're going to email me everyday.  I said, "No, because I don't like emailing you now because I feel like I'm emailing you too much."

We talked about a lot of stuff and it was sad to say goodbye.  I can't wait to listen to our sesh so I can remember the rest.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Last Steph sesh

I'm off to see Steph in a little bit.  This should be weird, I'm guessing.  I'm also going to meet with the psychologist at school to discuss one of my players behavioral issues.  I'm meeting her 45 minutes before I see Steph so lets hope this meeting doesn't last more than 20 minutes so I can make it to Steph on time.  I only have to walk 15 blocks to get there, so it should all work out.

I went and got a massage this morning because my back was so tight last night and I didn't sleep well.  It's feeling better right now, but we'll see how it feels later. 

I'm going to hop on the scale at my sesh with Steph.  :)  We'll see what happens.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

The non-weigh in weigh in

I keep thinking that I didn't eat dinner, but I sort of had a little something.  I should have had more but I wasn't hungry.  I'll probably wake up starving tonight.

So I'm guessing that Stephanie won't weigh me tomorrow because there is no real need for her to weigh me.  I think I might just step on the scale anyway, as if I think she wants to weigh me, that way I can weigh myself without really weighing myself.  It's my way of weighing myself because I can pretend that I am being weighed by here.  I promised Charro that I'd only weigh myself once a week and I've already done that so this is my way to do it legally.  :)  I'm going to weigh myself before I see Charro on Monday anyway.  I really want to weigh myself now.

Hopefully summer is coming this weekend.  I want to go to the beach.  I got 2 new bikinis, which I didn't need because I have a million, yesterday.  :)  I need to wash them.

3000th Post!!

This is my 3,000th post.  CRAZY!!!  CRAZY!!!  CRAZY!!!  Seriously, who would have thought that this blog would have lasted this long?  Well, not the blog so much, but me writing this consistently.  I write for me, so I can look back on things, but having it in this format makes it much easier for me to do.  I don't care that no one reads what I'm writing, but if someone does, and they get it, then that's great.  So that's about it.  I'm not going to reflect on the past 2,999 posts because that would be a doozy.  :)

So I'm seeing Stephanie tomorrow for our "final sesh."  What if I need more than 1 final sesh?  :)  I don't think she'll weigh me, but I hope she does because I told Charro that I would only weigh myself once a week, and I really want to know what I weigh so if Steph weighs me, then it wouldn't count as me weighing myself. :)

I was hoping to run in the park this morning but the weather is crappy, so it looks like I'm going to hit the treadmill.  Not that exciting.  I have to make sure I do at least 4 miles, maybe it will help my back.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Honesty?

I emailed Steph about our "final sesh" and told her that I can't really afford to do it, unless she can come down in price.  I'm guessing that she won't be able to, since it's just one sesh.  I haven't heard from her yet.

I don't know if I should go into WIM as is, or try to pretend like I weigh more.  It's a tough decision.  I have until Monday to decide if I should be honest or not.  I don't like to cheat or lie, but in the case, it's something that might have to be done and I'll certainly feel guilty for that.