Monday, April 30, 2012

Here comes WIM

I finally have sat down and have time to write about my sesh.  For some reason I got really pissed on my walk down to see Charro.  I wonder if it was because I was thinking about how none of how I want to proceed was my decision.   I let Charro know that I felt that way too. 

I got there and told her I had nothing to talk about.  She finally told me that she spoke to Steph and I asked her what she said and she said, "Didn't she email you?" I said, "Yes, but what did you guys talk about?"  There wasn't much of an answer given.  That's so annoying.

Charro then said she wanted "stats."  She wanted to know how much I weigh and how often I've been weighing myself.  I got out of answering how much I weigh by distracting her with other things.  I told her I would only weigh myself once a week.  She told me that she is going to weigh me next week and that I have to be 102.  I asked her if I have to be 102 next week and I don't think I have to be, and I won't be, that's for sure.  Maybe I can fake my weight again.  So I guess we'll be having WIM (weigh-in Mondays) from now on. YUCK!!!!!

So that's about it.  I didn't really look at her the entire sesh.  She did most of the talking and I didn't look at her when I spoke.  I wish I could hide behind a sheet when I have to talk. 

Steph emailed me to tell me to touch base with her when I want to have our final sesh.  I don't think I want to spend the money on that, it seems pointless.  She wants me to be able to "process" everything.  I don't need to spend money on that.

I'd rather not

I'm off to Charro in a few minutes.  I'm not particularly looking forward to my sesh because I don't want to talk about anything.  I'm hoping that the walk down there will help my back feel better, because the gym didn't really do much to help it this morning.  It felt great all weekend and when I woke up this morning it hurt again.  I took some Aleve so if the walk doesn't help it, the Aleve will. :)  Modern day medicine is a lovely thing.

A bunch of new people moved in on my floor and none of them seem to be friendly.  The doorman confirmed that this morning when he said the aren't very friendly.  At least I know I wasn't making a snap judgement.  Sometimes I think I'm too friendly, which is why I attract all the crazy people on the street and on the subway.  Maybe I should not smile, not talk, and appear to be bitchy.  Well, that's not me so I guess I can't do that.

Oh, maybe I'll wear a hat to my sesh today.  That always helps me to talk since it hides my face.  Hmmm, I don't really want to wear a hat because it's sunny and my face won't get tan.  Maybe I'll just wear it when I get there.

I should probably eat something before I go, since I'm a little hungry.  I'll be completely shocked (and screwed) if she whips out a scale, but I don't think that will happen.

Guess I'll get ready to head out.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Is it a waste?

I'm really starting to wonder if it's even worth it for me to continue seeing anyone, Charro or Steph.  What's the point?  I do not want to gain weight and am unwilling to gain weight and Charro will make me gain weight in order to continue working with her, so why should I continue?  I obviously don't want to change if I am unwilling to do this.  So, what's the point of continuing?  I feel like tomorrow's sesh is going to be stupid because I don't want to talk about anything.  What's there to talk about?  I think I'm just wasting everyone's time and my money.  I have this thought a lot, but it's pretty strong right now.

BLAH!  I do not want to go tomorrow.

This might be awkward

I ran yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and it felt good.  My back is feeling better and I'm so happy about that.  Now it's time to start really working out again and to whip myself into some serious shape.  First it was the hip, then the foot, then the cough, then the I'm back and ready to go at it. 

I'm not really looking forward to seeing Charro tomorrow.  I think it's going to be awkward after all the Steph/Charro, Steph/me interactions.  What if Charro thinks I don't want to see her or that I don't like her?  I think I made it pretty clear that I am NOT going anywhere and that I do like her.  (Not going anywhere until she gets rid of me).  Speaking of which, I hope she doesn't weigh me tomorrow.  I don't think she's going to weigh me until she gets back into her other office, which isn't until June.  I know Charro is going to bring up Steph, especially since they spoke last week, maybe I should pretend that I have no idea that they spoke.  That could be good.  I wonder if Steph sent her all the emails that she wanted to send.  I'm just going to tell Charro, when she brings up the topic about seeing both of them and how she feels and then asks me how I feel, I'll just tell her that I don't care anymore and it doesn't matter because it's obviously not my decision to be made, so what I want doesn't matter and we should just forget about it and drop it.  She'll want to "explore" that for sure, but there's nothing more to look at, she doesn't want me to do it, therefore I can't do it.  It's ONE month, why is it such a big deal??  Whatever, I'm done with the whole thing because it's probably pissing Charro off.

So, tomorrow will be interesting.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Back and forth

There have been a few back and forth emails between Steph and me, which I think has been pretty cool.  She's been writing some pretty decent length emails to me, kind of explaining things and telling me that in the end it is my decision...what I want to do as far at treatment goes.  She said that she and Charro "agreed that a dual treatment at this time would not be the best way of working and had more downside than upside (noting that there is an upside) and both of us felt more comfortable in leaving the choice of which treatment to pursue in your capable hands. I suggested what I would recommend, however the final say is completely yours and yours alone."  I, however, still completely disagree because if I do what I want, which would be to see both Steph and Charro until Charro comes back full-time in June, then Charro will probably refuse to see me.  She doesn't like the idea at all and I don't want to upset her, therefore I won't do what I want, even if they both say that it's up to me.  It's not really up to me, you see?  They say it is, but it isn't.  She said her "primary purpose is to make sure I get the best care possible."  It's not like I'm sick.

I'm taking up way too much of Charro's and Stephanie's time and I feel bad.  Stephanie doesn't have to deal with me anymore, yet she is, and is taking time to send me emails and stuff.  She wants to send Charro the emails we sent back and forth to each other while Charro was gone, or rather the emails that I sent to her.

I sent Steph and email back asking her what she thought the "downside and upside" are to the dual treatment.  We'll see what she has to say.  Bottom line, it's not my decision or choice, they've made both of those for me.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Got the email

I got the email from Steph that I had been waiting for.  She and Charro spoke today and "they," and I put it in quotes because I think it was more Charro than Steph, decided that it would be best if I just continued working though "the relational content" with Charro rather than the CBT with Steph.  Steph asked me what I thought about this "resolution."  My response, "I guess what I think and feel about the resolution doesn't really matter since I don't really have a say in it anyway.  It is what it is.  I know that you two are the professionals, but it's kind of funny how it's my life and I don't really have a say in the matter.  My guess is that you were open to it and that Charro was not, which I can totally understand and respect.  I just don't get why I can't try something that I think might be helpful to me."  So that's how I responded.  I think what bothers me is that it would just be for one month, until Charro came back full time.  How detrimental could it be??  It could actually help me but we'll never know.  She asked if she could sent the emails I had sent her while we were working together, to Charro.  I just went and re-read them all and I'm okay with her sending them if she takes out all the times that I said, "I know Charro will fire my ass if I weigh this when she comes back."  I kind of don't want Charro to read the stuff I said about her, which wasn't bad, but still, I'd prefer that come out of the emails.

I just feel like this is going to make things uncomfortable with Charro now.  Monday should be an interesting sesh.  I'll be interested to see how Steph responds to my email too.  She closed her email by saying, "My door is always open to you, independent of your decision."  I think I might be slightly stupid because I don't know what the "independent of your decision" means.  If anyone can explain that one to me, I'd appreciate it.

So I'm bummed.  While I pretty much figured this is how things would turn out, I was hoping that I'd have another month to wind down with Steph.  I wonder if Charro feels threatened?  I don't know and I never will. 

I need to go to bed, which I don't want to do because I have to blow dry my hair because it's soaking wet.  I hate blow drying my hair, but I want to go to bed.  I also have to brush my teeth.  Blah!

Wet walk

Ew, it's raining...just in time for me to have to walk over a mile.  Newsflash, umbrellas don't really do anything but keep one's head dry.  That's all.  Maybe I'll wear my rain boots...ones that don't give me blisters.  :)

I want to throw up, not on purpose.  I had a real lunch and then had a little bit more a little bit ago and now I am full and want to puke.  I guess I don't need to eat anything else until I'm done working out, at 8 PM.  Yay.  That means that I don't have to have dinner.  I'm going to hang out with some friends after and we're going to make ice cream sundaes with fat free ice cream that my friend bought.  She bought it for a party on Sunday but no one ate it so we're going to have it tonight.  So, fat free vanilla ice cream for dinner it will be.  Not really a big fan, but whatever.

I think I need to work out before I teach class.  I need a good workout.  I should try running and see if I can do it.  We'll, I'll definitely run on Saturday so I'll definitely know if that hurts a lot then, if I don't do it before then.

My cats are both happily asleep and looking cute.

I want my back to get better

It's been a week since I hurt my back and sometimes it feels more painful than it did before.  I just want it to get better.  I need to go run, which I might try tomorrow, we'll see.

I haven't weighed myself today, which is good I guess.  I am trying to not weigh myself so I don't have to tell Charro how much I weigh if she asks.  That's my motivation, whether it be good or not, that's another story.  It will work for a while, until she whips out a scale and weighs me herself.  I bet she's going to make me stand backwards this time too.  She's not going to let me look anymore, which will be a complete bummer.  I guess it doesn't really matter all that much because I'll still be weighing myself here, not the point or helpful, I know, but that's how I work.

Stephanie said she'd touch base with me after she spoke with Charro.  That could be years. :)  It seems crazy that we're going around in circles.  I know it's probably not possible, but it seems like the easiest thing would be if the three of us got together and talked.  Not going to happen, I know, but whatevs.

I have a mess to clean up in the kitchen.  I hate cleaning kitchen stuff.  Not fun.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

How long will this go on?

I got a few emails from Steph, we went back and forth on a few things.  She told me that she called Charro this morning and would let me know after they spoke.  I'm sure that won't be for a while because neither of them seem easy to get in touch with.  I'm sure it's easier to get a hold of Charro these days than it is Steph, only because Charro is home with two kids all day and Steph is in and out of sesh's.  She said that she "hopes to resolves Charro's concerns, as well as mine, to figure out the best treatment plan."  This is just getting complicated.  I know Charro does not want me to see her and was not happy with the fact that I had lost weight while seeing her, so I feel like I should just drop the whole thing, but I want to give it a shot and see what it's like, so I feel like I deserve that chance so I don't drop it.  Hmm.

My back hurts more today than it has the past few days.  That's not a good thing.  I hope it's just muscular and not something more serious.  I'm falling apart.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It would be so simple

It would be so easy for me, or anyone, to lie about simple things like food logs or weight.  I was thinking about this this morning.  Charro says I need to gain weight.  There are many ways of getting around actually gaining the weight, which I know because I have done them.  (Yes, I'm fully aware that does not help with my treatment at all).  It's also very easy to lie on food logs.  Let's face it, there's no way to prove what you're eating if you're not IP.  I could write down whatever I want, if I wanted to, and totally lie about my food logs.  I have not done that because I don't care enough to lie, but it would be so easy to do.  I actually have a very guilty conscience so I wouldn't be the best when it comes to lying.

Charro said some funny stuff yesterday.  I told her how I thought her email to me that said "Carmine must be thrilled" (with her return) was really funny.  She said, "Well Carmine was having a party while I was gone and now he's like that bitch is back."  She's funny.  I love how she calls it "Carmine" too.  Ha.  She made up that name a long time ago.

I heard from Stephanie today and I filled her in on Charro's thoughts.  Charro wants to talk to her again so we'll see what happens.  I explained how I would like to work with her, and that it would only be through May, just so she knows what I'm thinking.  I don't know if Charro will talk to her this week or what, but I won't know anything until Monday.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Big, fat no

So my sesh with Charro was uncomfortable today because she wanted to discuss the email I had sent her last week, which meant I had to really talk about things, which makes me really uncomfortable.  I would have felt better if I could have put my jacket over my face.  So, we talked a little but I definitely didn't do as much talking as I should have, because I suck at it.

Then we talked about Stephanie.  Basically Charro does not want me seeing her.  She said that she and I could take a break and I could continue to see Steph, and I looked at her and said, "What?  No, I'm not leaving you.  I want to work with you."  She said she wouldn't be opposed to me seeing her until I decided what I want to do.  Well, that's not going to happen.  I'm not leaving Charro.  Charro brought up how I lost weight when I was seeing Steph, and that wasn't a good thing.  I said, "Well, I actually gained 3 pounds."  She said, "That's good, what do you weigh now?"  Then I had to inform her that I had weighed 3 pounds less than what I weigh now.  So she responded with how I had lost a lot of weight in a short time.  Eh, not really.  She said the topic of seeing Stephanie isn't closed and that she was going to talk to her again, although I'm not sure about what.  Regardless, I am not leaving Charro for Stephanie, so unless she changes her mind and lets me see both of them for a month, then there is nothing further to talk about.  I wonder what they're going to talk about.  I'm guessing that I'll hear from Steph today or tomorrow, since she just got back from vacation.  I'll have to tell her that I can't see her.

I don't know what Charro was wearing today, but it was all these crazy layers.  I wonder if she's trying to cover up her body until she loses her baby weight, which I can't even see on her, although I guess I can't since she's all layered up.

I did not get weighed today.  Yay.  I don't think she's going to get a scale until we get back to her other office, which isn't until June.  If that's the case, I can get away with not having to gain weight for another 6 weeks.  :)

Will there be a WIM?

Well the rain has stopped which means that I can walk to Charro.  Yay.  That's good because it gives me something to do and some time to think.  I guess I don't really feel like walking there, but that's what I do.  Will she weigh me??  Will we have WIM (weigh in Monday)?   I don't know.  I guess I should probably eat lunch before I go, that I do know. 

My back still hurts.  Should I get a massage?  Will that help?  I don't know.  If it's just muscular, it should, if it's more than muscular, it might do more harm than good.  Hmm.  I just want it to feel better.

If I'm going to eat lunch, I guess I should make it since I have to leave shortly for Charro.  This is going to be a packed sesh.  I hope she doesn't weigh me but whatever happens happens and I guess I can't control that.

I don't like the sound of WIM.   I like WIF much better.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I need my back back

I might start to freak out soon if my back doesn't feel better.  I know I should be patient and give it time, after all, I just hurt it on Thursday and muscles need time to heal, but I need it to get better so I can work out harder.  I can't run, which is what I need to do.  I can do the elliptical, which I will have to do hard core tomorrow morning.  The weather is going to stink so I won't be able to walk to my sesh with Charro, which means I get less of a workout.  Blah.

I should hear from Stephanie tomorrow, which means I really need to talk to Charro about seeing the two of them.  I know Charro is not keen on the idea, but maybe she'll be okay with it if we do it for a few weeks, until she comes back full time.  She may be okay with seeing how it works out.  She'll let me try it if I believe that it will be helpful.  Do I believe it will be?  I don't know, and I won't know until I try, but it would be interesting to see.  So, I have that to talk about with her tomorrow, and then there is that novel of an email that I sent to her, that we're going to have to talk about.  Ugh, that will be fun.  I will probably weigh 2000 pounds, so if she weighs me, that shouldn't be much of an issue.  I also still need to do the pros and cons list.  I'll do that after I watch the news. 

I'm so ready to go to bed tonight.  I want to go to bed early.

Here comes the rain

My back is not feeling as good as I would have liked it to today, but I guess muscles take time to heal.  I know that, I just don't like time.

I have to teach aerobics and there will be things that I won't be able to do.  I need to workout hard though.  I need a good work out.  I was going to get there early and hit the elliptical first, but clearly that is not happening since my class is in less than an hour.

Charro tomorrow.  I must do my homework this afternoon.  It's going to pour rain today.  I hope I'm home before that happens.  We might get 4 inches of rain.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Chest yuckies

My back is feeling a little bit better, which is good.  Tomorrow it should feel even better.  I sneezed this morning, which literally broke me down to my knees.  That one hurt.

I'm feeling like a fatty today.  I might head to the gym before class tomorrow to work out before I teach.  I had a "dessert party" after class so I definitely need to work out more.  Although, if I end up weighing a little more for when I see Charro on Monday, I guess that would be okay.  I still don't think she'll weigh me, but you never know.  Everything is up in the air at this point, I guess.

I'm still coughing up yuckies.  I'm not coughing a lot though, which is good because it hurts my back to cough.

I'm really interested to see how our sesh goes on Monday.  I need to make a list of things I want to talk about, and I need to do my pros and cons list still.  I hate those.

Friday, April 20, 2012

At least I can elliptisize

I'm hoping my back feels better tomorrow.  I'm optimistic. :)  I was able to go to the gym this morning and do the elliptical.  That wasn't a problem at all.  It was a good thing I didn't try to go running in the park because I tried running across the street to beat the light and that didn't feel so good.  At least I know I can do the elliptical and I think by Monday I'll feel least I hope!!  I sneezed today and that hurt like a beast.

I'm feeling fat tonight.  I feel like I've been eating crap for the past few days which is why I probably feel fat, although the scale hasn't gone up.  I wonder if Charro is going to weigh me on Monday.  That would mean we'd have WIM.  I don't really think she wants to weigh me, and now that we have so much to talk about on Monday, maybe she won't.  Let's face it, she doesn't have a scale there anyway.  Let's hope she doesn't get one.  :)  We also have to discuss Stephanie.  We need two hours!!

That's about it for now.

Am I 90?

So I still can't move, but I'm thinking of going to the gym.  I wanted to run or rollerblade in the park, but maybe I'll just go do the elliptical or something.  I think I'm okay when I'm standing up, so I should be okay just having my legs go in circles.  I'd probably be fine running too, but I don't want to push it.  I'm icing my back now, so hopefully that will help.  I need to take some ibuprofen.  I also need to get my butt up and get dressed so I can go to the gym.  I still can't believe I hurt myself coughing.  I hope it's just muscular and not something more serious.  That would really suck.  I'm like a 90 year old right now with my endless injuries.  Maybe I need a massage?  Would that help?  I don't know. 

It's almost Monday, which means that it's almost time to see Charro again.  It's going to be a fully packed sesh.  Lots to talk about.  I hope we get it all in.  Oh crap bag, I need to do a pros and cons list.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Can't move

Okay, so I really hurt my back coughing today.  I can't move.  Teaching aerobics was fun, since I couldn't bend over and do half the stuff.  Seriously, my body is just falling apart on me.  I hope I feel better in the morning but I have a feeling it's going to feel a lot worse.  I don't know if I should ice it or heat it.  I will google that now.  I think I need to ice it.  Seriously, I can't even lift up my computer from the table, it's that bad.

Pain in the back

It's weird to be home on a Thursday afternoon.  I'm usually in my sesh with Stephanie right now.  It's funny how quickly you can get into a routine.  It's kind of nice to be home though.  I spent a few hours in the park with a friend whom I haven't seen in a few years.  That was nice. 
I had a coughing attack this afternoon, which was odd since I've been coughing a lot less.  Well, I completely pulled my lower back muscles.  I did that a few weeks ago during a coughing attack, it was finally feeling better and I just did it again.  Ugh.  I look like an old lady when I try to bend down.  Of course I have to teach aerobics tonight and will look funny.

My feet are so dirty from walking in my flip flops.  You know what my resolution to the problem was?  I put on socks.  Ha.  That way I don't have to wash my feet until I shower later, and I can still stick them up on my table and couch.  :)  Now that's laziness! :)
I'm watching The Civil Wars on Good Morning America right now.  I met Joy Williams, the singer, about 10 years ago.  What a voice on the girl, and she was so sweet too.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do when Charro weighs me, assuming that she'll weigh me on Monday.  I'm not trying to gain weight, like I'm supposed to be.  Why do I have to force myself to eat more if I'm eating enough to be satisfied?  I'll never see the point in overeating. 

I'll probably hear from Stephanie on Monday too, when she gets back from vacation.  I need to discuss that whole situation with Charro some more.  Maybe she'll go for it for the next few weeks, while she's only working once a week still.  That way I can sort of wind down with Stephanie.  I guess I'm okay with it if she really doesn't want me seeing her, I just wish I could have said a proper goodbye.

I just cleaned out my keyboard.  It was loaded with cat fur.  You know that weird little piece on toenail cutters, well, I finally found what it's good out keyboards.

My friend from grad school is coming to visit today.  Haven't seen her in a few years.  It will be nice to catch up.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


So I sent the email and it has been read.  That's the beauty of AOL, you can see when someone reads your mail.  Ugh.  I don't think she will respond because I think there would be way too much to respond too and I think she's probably too busy with her kids, so I don't expect a response.  Waiting until Monday to discuss this all will suck, but I have no choice.

I have no idea what I'm going to eat for lunch.  I don't have eggs, so that's out of the question.  I could go to the store, but I don't want to.  I'll do that on my way home tonight.  I don't want pasta.  I don't want veggies.  I don't want a black bean burger.  Hmm, I guess that doesn't leave me with much.  If I were to eat a yogurt, that would so not be acceptable as a lunch by Charro or Steph.  Maybe I'll just wait and see if I get in the mood for anything. 


Charro responded, quite quickly I might add.  She said that she was really had that I sent her the email and that she "really" looks forward to talking about it on Monday.  That was nice of her to respond.

I wrote, but will I send?

So I finally sat down last night and wrote down a long ass email to Charro.  I didn't send it yet because I think I have other things to say.  However, I don't want to send it.  I crawled into bed and thought, I can't send her this, what if she just reads it the wrong way and tells me that she can't work with me anymore?  Ugh, so it's sitting on my computer.  I don't want to send it because I wrote a lot.  I spilled it all out there and told her how I can't be honest with her because I'm constantly afraid that she'll fire me.  I told her that I don't want to gain weight.  I'm afraid that when she reads that she'll think, "Well, she doesn't want to gain weight, there's nothing I can do for her so that's the end of this."  I don't know.  Part of me knows I should send it so she can see what I'm really thinking and feeling, but I also don't want to.  If I do send it, I'll have to wait until I see her on Monday to know what she's thinking.  I don't think, nor do I expect, she would write me back while she's at home with her two kids.  I know if I go back and re-read this email, I won't send it.  Maybe I should just hit send and not look at it at all.  Ugh.

Gym time.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Alcohol recommended

So this is funny.  I told Charro that I'm getting addicted to cough medicine because it makes me sleep so well.  She said, "That's because there's alcohol in it."  I said, "I know."  She goes, "Why don't you just have a drink?  I highly recommend it."  Ha.  She told me to drink.  Ha!  She knows I'll never do it so it doesn't matter.  I thought that was funny.

We discussed my weight a lot.  She said, and I quote, "I'm not accepting anything under 102."  Well that just sucks a big ass because I don't want to be 102.  This is going to get difficult.  She's going to fire me. 

I need to go write some stuff down for Charro before I forget.

My armpits stink.  WTH??  Ew!

Here's what I remember

Yesterday's sesh with Charro was good.  I just wrote a whole post about it and it got deleted some how.  Awesome!!  Basically she doesn't want me seeing Steph and her at the same time.  I can understand her reasoning, but I want to talk more about that with her on Monday because we didn't really discuss it.  I think it might be helpful, but who knows. 

She told me that I need to gain weight.  She said that I have to gain weight by next week, so I'm guessing that she's going to weigh me.  She did say, "I'm going to weigh you," but didn't say when.  She has to get a scale first.

I forgot to pay her so I sent her an email and she wrote back and said, "It was very nice to see you and 'regroup.'  (I'm sure Carmine is thrilled!)."  (Carmine is what we call the E.D.  ha).  She's funny. 

My other post was much better, too bad it disappeared.  Whatever.  Time to go outside.

Monday, April 16, 2012

I was so excited

I was more excited than I thought I'd be when I walked into Charro's office.  She's back!! :)

I don't have time to write so maybe I'll get to do that tonight when I get home, if I'm not too tired.  Here's the jist, she doesn't like the idea of me seeing both her and Steph, so I guess that's out of question.  Oh well.

Oh yeah, and she said that I HAVE to get my weight up and I have to do a pros and cons list for next week...and I have to "write big and in a sharpy."  :)

Hitting 90 today

I'm kind of nervous to go see Charro.  It's the whole anxiously awaiting thing.  After 12 PM the rest of my day is going to consist of me rushing from point A to point B for the following 8 hours.  That's always fun. 

I'm going to be a sweaty mess by the time I get down to Charro's office, since I'm running there.  I'll have some time to hang out in the park, so the sweat will dry, which will feel even nicer.  Ha.  Hopefully the air is not on in her office because it will be 2 degrees in there.

I think it's funny that I'm nervous.  I knew I would be though.  I'm going to be really nervous sitting in the waiting room, because that's what happens.

It's so freaking beautiful out today.  Going to be 90 degrees.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Some sunny Sunday

I think I just consumed 2 zillion calories.  Well, okay, if I sit back and think about it, I didn't really, but it sort of feels that way in my head.  I keep telling myself that it's okay because I need to weigh more for Charro. 

The weather is GORGEOUS!!  I am SO happy and it's so great to be outside in this weather.  Everyone is out and happy.  Spring fever is definitely on.  Tomorrow it's going to be almost 90 degrees.  I LOVE IT!!  I'm going to play field hockey today.  Woo hoo!!  I'll run to my sesh with Charro tomorrow.  24 hours until Charro.  I've learned a new Italian word to say "welcome back."  "Bentornata."  Yay.  I hope I can remember it.  I emailed it to myself so I can look it up before she comes out to get me.

I'm going to have so much to talk about, I think.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  I feel like I will and I won't have all the time to get it out. 

My cats love me.  They always have to be touching me or curled up next to me.  It's very cute.  I don't want to give the little guy his IV later.  I hate it.

I love this no food log thing

I went out with a couple of friends last night, nothing crazy, just dinner and a few other places after.  So we're sitting at a bar at 9:45 PM, I look at my watch and go, "Oh, it's only 9:45, it feels like midnight.  We're pathetic."  We were all so tired.  Ha.  The bar we were at was so cool.  It looked like a dungeon.  It would be really cool to decorate at Halloween.

So we're wandering the streets of NYC and for some reason I could not walk in a straight line.  I was walking like I was drunk, which is funny since I only drink water, and I felt weird too.  I don't know if it was because I was tired or what, but people probably thought I was drunk.

We had fun.  Had a celeb spotting.  Saw a friend on the street.  My two friends got frozen yogurt, but I didn't get any because I was full.  As they were eating it, I sort of wanted some but didn't.  I don't know if it's because I didn't think I should eat at that hour or if I just didn't feel like getting it.

My cat just clawed at my arm because he wanted me to pet him.  He was like "pet me, mom.  Pet me!  Pet me!" 

How is it that I just woke up and want to take a nap.  Maybe I should have breakfast. 

How much do I LOVE not having to write down everything I eat??  SOOOOO MUCH!!  What are the chances that Stephanie will tell me that I don't have to keep a food log if I continue to see her???  Ugh, I think I know the answer to that, since she's obsessed with them.  I HATE FOOD LOGS.  So, I guess I should either not see her or really enjoy these next few weeks without having to write crap down.  I told her that they are NOT helpful at all, but I guess she thinks they are.  I do not!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Less than 48

I ran outside this morning and I was dying, since I haven't been working out at the intensity that I usually do over the past two weeks because of my deep chest cough.  Still coughing, but better.  I didn't run far, but I ran fast, which is good I guess.  I don't know.  I think I'll run to my appt. with Charro on Monday.  Less than 48 hours until Charro.  This should be interesting.  Please, please don't weigh me Charro!!  Not like she's reading this but I'm hoping to send mental telepathy messages her way. :)

I'm heading out with some friends so I should probably get ready.  I am so tired and can't wait to go to bed.  I haven't been sleeping well.  Maybe I'll take cough medicine tonight. ;)

I think I need to put a tank top under my shirt because it's a little big and I keep exposing myself.  Not good.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Less than 72

Less than 72 hours until I see Charro.  Yay, I'm excited.  I know the sesh is going to fly by because I'll have so much to talk about, and then I won't get to see her for another week.  I'm kind of nervous to ask her about seeing Steph while I'm seeing her because I don't want to offend her.  I love Charro to death, but I want to see if seeing her and Steph at the same time will make any difference with anything.  All of this, of course, is only going to happen if insurance will cover them both. 

Charro's going to ask what Steph and I worked on, so I have to think about that and prepare an answer.  I hope to God that she doesn't ask how much I weigh because I don't want to answer that question.  I can't lie to her so I have to tell her if she asks.  Can I lie to her?  Hmm, maybe I can but I would feel HORRIBLE!!  I'll tell her how much I weighed on the doctor's scale yesterday, which was a pound more than I weighed when I saw Steph an hour later, but I was also wearing light weight sneakers. :)  I think that's a good compensation.  I just can't go in and say "I don't know" when she asks what we worked on.  That would be really pathetic, so I have to give it some serious thought.

I guess I should tell her that I'm back to weighing myself pretty much everyday.  Well, I sucked at that goal, I guess.  I was good for the first two weeks and then it went downhill really fast after I weighed myself and saw that I had lost like 4 pounds.  Whoops.  If I was at my normal weight I wouldn't have started weighing myself all the time again.

Wow, I can't believe how fast those 8 weeks went by, actually.  Monday will be good...I hope.

Your brain needs fat

Stephanie thinks my brain needs more fat.  I said, "It would be interesting to see how different it would be if you planned a day of food for me."  She said that she could do that and I responded with "well, not now because you're going on vacation."  I didn't mean that I would eat what she planned, but I would be interested to see what she planned and how much food was on it.  She said she would add more fat into my diet because I'm "clearly at a very low, low body fat percentage" and she "thinks my brain needs some more of it (fat)."  So maybe if I continue to see her, I'll have her write out a day of food for me just to see what it consists of.

I'm nervous and excited to see Charro on Monday.  I know Monday morning will drag.  It's going to be so nice out on Monday that I think I'll run to my sesh.  I'll be very excited to see her and bring her up to date on things, see what she looks like and see if she actually did talk to Stephanie.  I'm sure the sesh will go by really fast.  I hope that she does not have a scale for me to hop on, that would really suck.  I don't think she'll notice that I lost a few pounds, so visually, I should be okay with that.

It's funny, I feel like I can't picture what Charro looks like.  That seems so weird, especially since I've been seeing her for 6 years.  I just want Monday to come.  I wonder how she's going to feel about me wanting to see Steph still.  Hmm.  Will she feel bad?  We have a lot to talk about.

I guess I should get on with my day.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Was that it?

I left Stephanie today not knowing if I'll see her again or not.  She and Charro never spoke.  She said that she called her.  She also said that she hadn't checked her voicemail today so maybe Charro called her back, who knows.  If they don't talk tomorrow, they won't talk because Stephanie is going on vacation next week and I see Charro on Monday.  So, I'm guess that it won't matter if they talk after that.  I need to talk to Charro about seeing them both, when I see her on Monday.

So I sent her the wrong stupid food log and it only had one day on it.  What a waste for me.  Ugh.  So annoying.  (Why is my cat meowing?)  We did have a good sesh though.  I love it because I always end up being in there longer than 50 minutes so I totally get my time, which I love.  :) 

We figured out that I don't like triple digits and I like weighing 98 pounds because I get noticed for my "small size."  If I gained weight there would be nothing about me that would stand out physically.  She found it interesting that I talked so much today since it could have been our last sesh.

Oh, this is a good one...She said that I'm "on the boarder of underweight.  You're on the very thin size of normal.  Two or three more pounds and you go into the underweight place.  Right now you aren't underweight, even though you dance around that line."  So basically I'm at a normal weight and not underweight, which is completely not what Charro has to say.  If Charro weighed me and I weighed 98 pounds she would refuse to see me because I would be well below what is healthy, but Stephanie says I'm not underweight.  Interesting.  Hmmm.

I'm exhausted.  I think I need to go to bed.  I kind of feel weird a little too.  I had a headache before but that went away. 

I know I probably have a ton more to write but I can't think.  All of my receipts from Steph (she doesn't do them) were wrong so I had to send her an email about it.  It probably made no sense, but whatever. 

I know I'm going to wake up starving but I am not hungry now and I feel like I'll puke if I eat something.

Feeling free

Oh it feels SO GOOD to not have to write down everything I'm going to eat, or eating today.  YAY!!  It's like I'm free!!!  I love it!  Love it!  Love it!  I hope that Charro doesn't make me keep a stupid food log.  I can't do it anymore.  I'm done.  I don't want to talk about food.  I eat fine so there's no need to talk about it.

In other news, Steph is not going to be happy with my weight.  Oh well.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Latest decision

Here's what I've decided, after listening to my last sesh with Steph...My eating is perfectly fine, so there's no reason to change it, which might mean that there's no reason for me to be in T, maybe.  Well, maybe I can just talk about other stuff, no ED related, with Charro when she comes back.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, right before I see Steph, to get this cough checked out.  I'm sure it's nothing.  I figured I'd go anyway, just to get checked out.  It's only 4 blocks from her office. 

I just sent Stephanie my last food log.  Thank God I'm done with these stupid things, at least until I decide if I'm going to keep seeing her.  I HATE them with a passion.  Maybe that's a reason to not see her.  Who knows.  I just really want to know what if she and Charro talked.

I'm going to not take cough medicine tonight and see what happens.  I can't wait to go to bed.

I don't need to eat more because I always eat when I'm hungry and don't starve myself.  I need to tell that to Steph again tomorrow.

A dusty mess

I thought my cat smelled, but she doesn't.  That's a good thing.  I think I might need to make a doctor's appointment for this darn cough.  It is getting better though, but it's still deep in there.

Oh, I'm not really looking forward to my Steph sesh tomorrow.  I'm going to wear a big sweatshirt with nothing underneath so when she says, "Just one layer of street clothes" I won't have anything to shed.  That drives me insane when she says that.  I'm not trying to pull a fast one over her because my weight doesn't really matter when she weighs me, but now I'm just annoyed by it so I'm going to wear a sweatshirt.  I know that is so childish and game like, but I'm just annoyed by everything.  Let's face it, I'm screwed when Charro comes back on Monday anyway, so there's really not much to be done here.  The next few weeks are going to be very interesting, and possibly stressful.  I'm just going to try and go with the flow.

My apartment got SOOOO dusty in the the days I was gone.  Seriously, how does that even happen?  It's nasty. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I just want to sleep

I could go to sleep right now and I slept for 10 hours again last night.  That's three nights in a row of 10 hours of sleep.  Hmm.  Maybe it's the cough medicine.

I'm really interested in what my sesh with Steph is going to be like on Thursday.  I am so curious to know if she and Charro spoke yet.  My guess is that they haven't, and might not because they never did before she left for maternity leave.  I think they played phone tag and that was about it.  I'm guessing that might be what happens now, although Charro might be a bit easier to get in touch with since she's home with the kids.  Should be interesting.  Monday should definitely be interesting too.

Getting weighed on Thursday will also be interesting because I think it will be down from what it was last week.  I've been eating, but I actually don't have much of an appetite because I don't feel well.  That is so not my fault.  I guess it doesn't matter much because I won't be seeing Steph next week and hopefully Charro will NOT be weighing me on Monday.  So much up in the air and so much unknown, and I hate that.

Seriously, I just want to take a nap.

Monday, April 09, 2012

I refused to ruin Easter

I'm like a broken record here with the "I still feel like crap and am coughing my lungs up" sentence, but, that is the case.  I've been sleeping a ton at night and still feel like I can sleep more.

A week from today I will be done with my sesh with Charro, our first one since her maternity leave.  Yay, it should be interesting.  I'm really anxious to find out what she and Steph talked about, or what Steph told her, I guess.  Hopefully they will have spoken by the time I see Steph on Thursday.

Our sesh should be interesting on Thursday because I'll leave Steph not knowing if I'm going to go back and see her or if that will be the end.  I'm still trying to figure out if it would be helpful to see her.  I sent my friend, who is a psychologist, the email that she sent me that I didn't understand and she said that it was a lot of psycho-babble, therapist jargon, which is how she talks a lot, which would be why I don't understand what she's saying to me half the time.  At least my friend confirmed that I'm not all that stupid. :)  So, we'll see.  We'll have a lot to talk about on Thursday and I know she's going to want to focus on my stupid food this week and my Easter meal.  I'm so over focusing on my food.  I told her that I wanted to enjoy my Easter and not have to obsess about writing every morsel of food down because that would take away from my holiday enjoyment.  So, I didn't write anything down until last night, and I didn't know the time of the day when I ate, most of the time.  Oh well.  She'll have to live with that.

I guess that's about it.

Sunday, April 08, 2012

I had a nice Easter.  My desserts went over very well.  Maybe I'll post some pics of them in the future, when I get back to my real computer.

I'm tired, but ready to watch Nurse Jackie in 13 minutes.  :)  Woo hoo!!  Can't wait.

Stephanie is probably not going to love my food for today, or my menu...or my attitude for that matter, but it's freaking Easter and I don't want to spend the day obsessing about food, which I did not do, but if I paid close attention to everything I was eating and what time I was eating it, I would not have enjoyed my day.  Whatevs.  I don't care.

I can't wait for my bed at 9:30 PM.

Hoppy Easter

Happy Easter.  I love Easter because it's so springy and the flowers smell pretty.

I still feel like crap and keep coughing.  It's not fun. 

I had to send my "2,000 calorie meal" to Stephanie today.  It's pretty much all a bunch of BS because no one I know eats meals on holidays.  We have appetizers and one big meal in the middle of the day.  She didn't seem to get that, but I think she's Jewish so that might have something to do with it.  She was like "You need to eat lunch and dinner."  I was like, "You don't understand, we don't eat lunch and dinner.  We have appetizers and dinner around 3 PM and that's how we do it."  Whatever.  I don't really care at this point.  I just want to stop coughing and eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. 

So I sent her an email with my menu for the day and also told her that I had no idea what she was trying to say to me in that last email that she sent.  I had two people read it and they couldn't make sense of it either, so I know it's not just me.

How it it possible that I'm tired when I slept for over 10 hours last night?  Weird. 

I need to finish making my dessert.  I'm cold. 

Saturday, April 07, 2012

I made it

Made it through my first day home with no comments, so that's a good thing.  I made a ton of pies with my dad and am wiped.  I can't wait to take my cough meds and go to bed, which will be soon. 

9 more days til Charro!

Heading home

I'm heading home for Easter today.  I'll do a lot of cooking and baking when I get home.  I'll see my parents, whom I haven't seen in two months.  I'm nervous that they'll comment on my weight, which I'm sure they will because they always seem to think I've lost weight even when I haven't, except this time I have.  So, this will be a fun time.

I need to workout this morning.  I'm hoping that my workout will be better than it was yesterday, when I was hacking up my lungs and couldn't breathe deeply.  I'm still coughing, but things seem to be breaking up in there.  I'm really tired and I don't know why.  I guess I can take a nap on the train today.

So have to plan out my meals and snacks for the day and give them to Stephanie.  I love what the next 4 days is going to consist of.  For dinner tonight I wrote, "Whatever my mom makes."  That's what it's going to look like for a few days and she's going to have to deal with that.  It's not what she wants but that's what she's getting.  I don't really care.

Friday, April 06, 2012

What is she saying?

Okay, so Stephanie sent me an email in response to an email I sent her, but I can't make sense of it.  I know at least one word has been "auto-corrected," and I'm not sure if any others were, or I'm just an idiot and don't understand the language she is speaking.  Maybe it's a little above me.  Here's what it says.  If anyone can decipher what she is saying to me, that would be greatly appreciated. :)  The last two sentences I can understand, it's the bold one that is confusing to me.  Obviously "definitely" is supposed to be "definition," I think. 

From your email notes, it seems like you're frustrated and angry in looking at what your eating and the way what you eat affects your mood and behavior, and trying to create a more healthy behavior. I continue to use your own definitely of "healthy" as a measure of the term and progress fighting the eating disorder (including compensatory exercise and an overemphasis on shape and weight). I get that this is tough and annoying to work on and acknowledge that you have been working hard. The idea of planning is that you are in charge of thoughtfully feeding yourself in a healthy way - a guideline for that is 3 meals and 2 snacks, eating every 3-4 hours.

I think she's saying that she's using my definition of "healthy," (I didn't know I had one) to measure my what healthy is and my progress??  I have no idea. 

I can't wait to see Charro in 10 days. :)

It's Good Friday people!

I don't know why my sesh yesterday has pissed me off, but it did.  Thinking about it makes me mad and I don't know why.  Oh well.

I need to get my butt up and head to the gym.  I'm still hacking up my lungs, which is not fun.  I keep writing "lunch" instead of "lungs."  At least I bought new cough medicine yesterday, since the one I was taking expired in 2009.  Whoops.  No wonder it looked and tasted funny.

I hope the gym isn't crowded.  I want to run but I think I'll stick to the elliptical today, so I don't pass out or something from coughing.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Trying to decide

I didn't like my sesh with Steph today.  Well, I guess it was fine, she was just not happy that I lost a pound because "we agreed that I would eat more to gain weight."  I said, "We did?"  I don't recall that, but whatever.  So, she was not pleased.  I actually hopped off the scale and she was like "Get back on there and wait for it to finish moving."  I actually thought it had finished moving but apparently I was wrong.  Actually, the number was the same as it was when I hopped off the first time.  Regardless, she was not happy that I had lost weight.

I'm pretty sure that my insurance will cover both Charro and Steph, but now I'm not so sure if I want to see Steph anymore.  Maybe I'll do a little trial for a month to see how it goes, until Charro goes back to her full time schedule.  I think that would be enough time to know if it works or doesn't.  I don't know.  I definitely have to talk to Charro about it anyway when I see her.  I wouldn't do it without her consent.

So, that's about it.  Oh, no it's not, Steph wants me to makes a menu that consists of 2000 calories, for one day, and eat it.  I told her I'd do it on Easter because I'll be eating a lot more on Easter Sunday.  This is going to suck and I'm sure I won't do it, but I don't really care at this point.  I guess I'm feeling a bit defeated perhaps.  Who knows!  I did tell Steph to expect a long email from me.

Jelly beans

I don't know why, but I hate Jelly Beans.  I just saw a commercial for them and now they come covered in chocolate.  I never liked jelly beans, which is odd because I love candy.  The Starburst ones are okay, I guess.

I still feel like crap.  My lower back is still so sore from coughing and I had a huge coughing attack while trying to go to sleep last night.  I need to take a nap.  The antibiotics I'm taking for my rash "may cause my skin to turn blue."  Awesome, so I may look like a smurf.  That's not cool.

I like crumb cake.  I just saw that on TV too.  Yum.  Is 10 AM too early to each lunch?? 

I wonder how Stephanie will react when she weighs me today.  Oh wait, she never reacts when she weighs me so I'm sure she won't today, even though I think I'm less than last week.  One more Steph sesh after this, unless I continue to see her.  I think my insurance may cover both her and Charro. 

I have to walk about 4 miles today and teach aerobics.  I hope I function well enough for that.  I guess I don't really have to do anything while I teach, but I will.  I may work out before class too.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Stolen tomato

I needed a tomato so I stopped at the fruit stand man on my way home.  I grabbed the tomato and looked around and couldn't find the man, I waited for about 30 seconds and he was no where in sight, so I just took the tomato.  I actually felt really, really guilty, like I was doing something so wrong, but the thing probably cost him nothing.  I still feel like I did something so wrong and I should probably just get over it.  I was going to leave money but there was no where to leave it.  Hmmm.

My lower back hurts a lot and that scares me.  I'm sure it's just muscular, but it hurts when I breathe and cough.  I hope it's just muscular and nothing serious.

I see Stephanie tomorrow and get to get weighed.  I'll ask her if she got my email when I see her.  I'm sure Charro won't call her until next week, but who knows.  I'll ask her about that tomorrow too.


I'm skipping the gym this morning.  I was going to skip it on Saturday and just go home, but now I'll go Saturday and not today, even though it's so nice out and I would go running outside today.  If I attempted to run, I'd probably die because I wouldn't be able to breathe.  My lower back muscles hurt from coughing, so it hurts to breathe deeply.  I just have a cough, no other cold symptoms, which is funny, but I think that's what usually happens to me and then the rest follows a few days later.

I see Steph tomorrow.  I went ahead and emailed my insurance company to find out about my coverage because I never heard back from her.  It's weird that I didn't hear back from her.

What the hell and I going to make for lunch?  I have no idea.  Maybe a grilled cheese?  I have lowfat cheese I can use.  Who knows.  I hate this menu planning thing.  I just write down foods but don't really have any intention of eating them.  Oh well. 

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Probably going to doze soon

I just took some Niquil so I should be ready to pass out in a few minutes.  My body hurts from coughing.  Ugh, I have to do my stupid food log for today, I just remembered that.  I hate that thing.  You know what, I'm not going to write down the mini Twizzlers I just ate because I'm a rebel.  That stupid food log is so annoying.

So Stephanie said that she'll "miss me again" when we're not seeing each other anymore.  She still hasn't gotten back to me about that email I sent and she usually gets back within 24 hours so I don't know what that's about.  I'm just going to go ahead and email my insurance company tomorrow and see if my question to them makes sense.

There was THE BEST drag queen on the train next to me tonight.  I took pictures.

I guess I should get ready for bed in case I pass out in a few minutes.

Hacking up a lung

I feel like crap this morning.  I had a huge coughing attack while I was trying to go to sleep last night and almost threw up.  My neck hurts when I turn my head to the right.  I went to the gym and couldn't breathe so I only did 30 minutes and left.  Ugh.  I'm okay with that because I don't feel well enough to care.

I think I lost weight again, but that's my pattern so we'll see.  I'll know for sure when Steph weighs me on Thursday.  I sent her an email asking about some insurance stuff and am waiting to hear back from her so I know what to say when I talk to my insurance company.

I guess I should go into the office now.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Two weeks from today

Charro will be back.  I don't know why my thought was, I hope she didn't do something different to her hair.  Really, what's that thought about?  I want to know what what Steph's going to tell her.  She won't tell me these things, which is so annoying.  All she said was, "What do you want me to tell her?"  I hate these question games.  I asked her a question and she fired back at me with a question one time and I said, "You can't answer a question with a question."  I'm going to do that everytime she does that.

I hate this feeling I have in my chest, like I have 900 lbs of hairballs in it and I have to keep trying to cough and clear my throat, but it's not really doing anything. 

I think I'm hungry.
My friend is leaving in about an hour.  It was nice to have her here but it will also be nice to get back to normal.  I will clean and vacuum, go to the gym, work, and work more.  I can eat when I want, which will be nice.  I have this chest cough situation happening, which is going to inhibit my running ability.  Maybe I'll just do the elliptical today.

I guess I should do something now.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

A second to write

So I can actually write for a bit because my friend went to my other friend's apartment.  I'm listening to my sesh with Steph from Thursday.  I should take a nap because I haven't had much sleep.  Oh man, my lower lip is twitching.  It just started.

I feel like my food is sitting in my stomach.  I should map out how far we walked today, which wasn't all that far, but it was something.  I am going to back to veggies and egg whites when my friend leaves tomorrow.  I have a week to "cleanse" myself and then I have to go home for Easter and eat because I feel like I have to put on a show for my parents, who will probably look at me and think that I've lost weight and then say something to me about, which is not fun.

I feel like I have a huge hairball in my lungs, which is not helping me with my cardio.  I need to run tomorrow and I'm thinking that it might be hard.

Maybe I'll take a nap.  I'm not really that tired but I should be.  I still have 30 minutes left in my sesh, but I can stop it for now.

I forgot

I forgot that Stephanie said she could probably decrease her price by $50 if I wanted to still see her.  That would totally work, if I can see her and Charro together.  I have to email my insurance company and I know they'll say I can't see them both, but whatever, I'll give it a shot.

I feel so fat and gross because I've gained weight and have been eating all weekend since my friend is here.  I can't wait to get back to normal tomorrow.  I have to work out and eat lots of veggies this week because I have Easter on Sunday.