Saturday, March 31, 2012

Brownies for dinner

Steph and I were talking about my stupid food log and the "menu planning" that I'm sort of doing really half-assed.  I said, "Well what if I plan to make pasta for dinner and then don't want it?  What if I want brownies for dinner?"  She said that I could eat brownies for dinner.  I was like "WHAT!!!??  I can eat brownies for dinner?"  She was totally fine with that if it's not something I do every day.  :)  Ha.

I also asked her what she is going to tell Charro when they talk.  She asked me what I wanted her to tell her and I said, "Not my weight."  she said, "That's not what you want me to tell her," and I said, "Okay, I would like you to not tell her my weight."  She goes, "Well, if you don't want me to tell her how much you weigh, I won't, but I'll tell her that you don't want me to tell her."  I said, "That's just as bad as telling her because then she'll know some thing's up.  So, I guess Charro's going to learn how much I weigh regardless, at least I was up a bit yesterday because if Steph told her I weighed under 97 lbs, that would have been a big problem.

I need to go to the gym.  I don't think my friend will want to come.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Are you sleeping with him?

I saw Steph this morning and she was happy with my two pound weight gain.  Of course I'd prefer not to have gained weight, but whatever, I don't really care, I guess.  I told her when Charro is coming back and I told her that it was going to be sad to leave her and she said that it would be sad.  I told her that I wished I could see them both at the same time and she said that maybe that could happen, if Charro wasn't opposed to it.  I said that I get something different out of both them.  I said, "It doesn't matter anyway because I can't afford to do that.  I can see Charro three times a week and it still costs me less than it does to see you once a week."  She was like, "Really?" and then proceeded to try and figure that out.  So it's something I may look into.  Then I realized that insurance probably wouldn't cover both people and she said that I could call and ask if I could see a normal T and an "ED specialist," if that would be covered.  I doubt it will be but I may email them and ask.  So that was that.  It's hard to type since my friend is here.

So she asked about "The Aussie," this guy I go out with when he's visiting.  She goes, "So who's the Aussie?  Some guy you sleep with?"  I said, "No.  Well, he slept over but we didn't have sex."  She goes, "Do you kiss him?"  I got all embarrassed and couldn't talk about it and tried to change the subject.  I said, "Don't we need to talk about the food log?"  I almost died when she asked me those questions.  I said, "I don't even talk about that with my girlfriends.

So I'll see her next Thursday and I'm looking forward to it.  I'd write more but I can't right now.

Off to Steph

Stephanie will be happy because I gained like 17 pounds.  I got see her in two hours.  I told my friend that I have a meeting.  She's probably going to wonder how I gained so much weight in one week. 

My body is sore and tired because I did a lot yesterday and all week I guess.  I will not workout today, but I will walk about 5 or 6 miles.

I guess I should take a shower and stuff.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Company

My friend is coming to stay with me for 4 days.  I haven't seen her in over 2 years so I'm very excited.  I have told Stephanie, via email, that I am not doing the food log anymore.  We'll see what she has to say about that tomorrow.  I can't be writing all this crap down with someone here.  I live in a studio apartment so there's not much privacy.  I'm sure that she'll want me to keep keeping one though.  I told her that they are no use to me and are not helping me out at all.  I don't think I did too well on eating more either.  She wanted me to double every portion size for every meal.  Whoops, I didn't really do that.  I did manage to gain some weight though, so she'll be happy about that.

I feel like I'm getting sick.  My chest is a bit weird and I have a feeling it's from being locked up inside this athletic facility for 4 days.  Dry, nasty air can do that to ya.  Hopefully it won't turn into anything, but the cough is starting.

Crap bag, I really need to get ready to go.  Both my cats puked this morning so I have to clean that up, and clean the litterbox, as well as get myself ready.  

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I shouldn't have sat down

It's always when I think my workout is going to suck and I don't really feel like doing it or my body doesn't feel like doing it, I have a good one.  My run was much better than I expected and ended up running a little bit farther than I had planned.  Yay.  Now I must shower.

I really want to talk to Steph about how I'm afraid to be honest with Charro because she'll fire me.  I also want to ask her what she is going to tell Charro when they speak, and want to tell her that I will definitely miss working with her and that she needs to get this group started so I can continue seeing in her some way.  I wish I could see both her and Charro because I get something different out of each of them.

Okay, now I must shower, vacuum, clean and oh, I guess I'll need to eat dinner too.  I shouldn't have sat down because now I don't want to move.

Getting motivated

I'm trying to motivate myself to go for a run.  I need to go and I need to go within the next 15 minutes.  I just got home from practice all day and my legs are tired and sore and I'm not sure why.  My stomach and head don't feel wonderful either.  Well, I think my headache is going away and I think I just took care of my stomach situation, and hopefully I won't have a "situation" while I'm out running.  I knew my workouts would not be great this week, because of my schedule, but I'm trying to make them as good as possible.  The longer I sit here the less motivated I will be to run, so I have to just get up and go.  When I get back I need to shower, make something for dinner and clean because my friend comes tomorrow.  I need to be in bed before 9 PM, like I was last night.

I'm really curious to see what I'll weigh when I see Stephanie on Friday morning.  It will be different because it's a different time of day.  We shall see.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Charro's coming back

I got an email from Charro this morning, as expected.  She's coming back on the 16th, so I'll see her in four weeks.  Her email was nice.  She said that she hopes my foot is feeling better.  :)  I emailed her back and asked if she had to talk to Stephanie and she emailed me back and said that she would call her as it gets closer.  She said that she is "looking forward to hearing about my work with her."  I'm guessing that Steph is going to have to tell her my weight, since her main focus is getting me to eat more to gain weight.  Blah, I'm going to ask her on Friday when I see her what she plans on telling Charro.  She'll be vague, as usual.

I totally just forgot what else I was going to write.  I'm exhausted.  I'm in NJ all week for work and then last night I went out and didn't get to bed until close to 1 AM because I couldn't fall asleep.  I woke up 3 times to pee because I was SO thirsty before bed, then I woke up around 5:30 so that was not fun.

My friend is coming to stay with me for the weekend and that means I have to tell her that I'm going to a meeting or something when I go to see Stephanie on Friday.  I'm seeing her Friday morning because I'm not going to be here on Thursday to see her.  I thought about just telling my friend where I was going because she wouldn't care, but what if she thinks, why didn't she just skip today since she knew I would be here?  I don't want her to think I'm completely screwed up and need to go to T.

I have to take a shower but I don't want to move.  I played soccer with the team yesterday and am a little sore, which is good.  I'm surprised I'm sore a little, but it's all good.

Monday, March 26, 2012

An email

I sent an email to Stephanie last night.  This is what I said.

Hi Stephanie,

I hope you had a nice weekend. So, I have the million dollar question for you: How am I supposed to eat more, or force myself to eat more, if I don't want to gain weight? Kind of hard to do, huh? The problem is, I know I need to gain weight for other people (my parents and Charro), but I don't think I need to gain weight and I don't think you think that I'm at an unhealthy weight. I go back and forth between thinking that I need to eat more and being scared to eat more. Why does this have to be so difficult and hard to figure out? Sometimes I say "screw it, I'll just eat and eat whatever" but then I start to think about it and freak out and can't do it. Maybe this is how I'm going to be forever. Like I said on Thursday, I don't want my parents to notice I've lost weight because I don't want them to worry about me and I don't want them on my case. I also know I'm screwed if I weigh this when Charro gets back, unless she doesn't weigh me, but the chances of that happening are slim. She wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I lost a few pounds. I'm dead if she weighs me though.


If you have any insight, it would be helpful.

This is how she responded.

Your question is precisely the issue. I understand it's hard, if it was easy, you probably wouldn't find it so hard. And working on this issue will help you get healthier, meaning less time spent obsessing over food, weight and shape and more time on projects and relationships you value. This is scary, I get that and we can go slow. The extremes and the intolerance of a healthy weight are the issues. I hope that helps.



I like the "If it was easy, you probably wouldn't find it so hard."  Gee, ya think?  :)  I hope we get to talk about this on Thursday and don't just talk about what I ate for breakfast.  This, to me, seems a bit more important.
 
Okay, it's it SOOOO windy out.  I think my face just got wicked wind burned.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Charro and Steph

I'm expecting to hear from Charro this week.  I wonder if I will.  She said she'd touch base with me at the end of March to let me know when she's coming back.  Well, this week is the end of March.  It's tough, because I like working with Stephanie, although her constant need to talk about every morsel of food that I eat to be extremely annoying and not very helpful, there's something about our sesh's that may be helpful, I don't know.   Maybe she just pushes me or something.  I also really like that she doesn't care that I'm not at a certain number and she wouldn't fire me for not being at a certain weight.  I don't feel threatened by her when I get weighed.  I also like her as a person.  So, it will be hard to say goodbye to her.

I'll be excited to see Charro again, but also scared shitless because I'm at least 6 pounds less than she says I have to be to see her.  I don't know how I'm going to pull off faking that much weight, especially since the weather is getting nice (well, it's actually getting colder than it was for the past few weeks, but normally it would be getting nicer) and I'll be wearing fewer clothes.  Fewer clothes means that I will weigh less. She's going to kill me.  She's going to make me see a nutritionist and keep a food log, or she'll just flat out fire me.  If that happens I may just quit therapy all together.  I could go back to Stephanie, but she's expensive so I can't really afford to keep going to her.  Maybe she'll start a group, like she wants to, and I can go to that.  Sucks that she's not cheap and that I can't work with both of them.  Maybe I'll win the lotto and be able to work with both of them.  That would be cool.

Great, my cat is drinking out of my glass.  I guess I need to get a new one.

Falling off a mountain

I had this horrible dream that I was mountain climbing by my middle school.  (There are no mountains near my middle school in real life). The mountains were huge, like the Grand Canyon.  I was way up at the top, trying to get down and I knew I was in trouble.  I slipped and was hanging on, but I knew I couldn't hang on much longer.  I thought of ways I could let my family know where I was so they knew where and how I died, but I couldn't let go of the cliff.  I was freaking out and I knew I was going to plummet to my death and I think at this point I might have known I was dreaming because I think I was thinking how I needed to wake up, and I did.

So this menu thing I have to do for Stephanie isn't really going so well.  I have no idea what I'm going to eat today so I just make things up.  I probably won't end up eating those things because I don't know what I'll want when it comes time to eat.  Whatever.  Maybe I should just start eating a ton of crap so I can gain weight for these people. 

I woke up, crawled out of bed and stepped right into cat puke.  Yum!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Stupid disorder

I feel like my apartment smells like trash all of a sudden and it's driving me insane.

I didn't weigh myself today, which is good since I've been weighing myself pretty much every day again.  Well, I was only weighing myself once a week and then I lost weight and started weighing myself everyday to make sure I wasn't losing more weight, but now I don't want to gain weight either.  It's crazy how that works.  At first I was like "Oh shit, my scale must be wrong" and now I'm like, "I don't want to gain weight."  Blah.  Stupid disorder.  I wish I never had this dumb thing.  How did this happen anyway?

I'm thirsty and have nothing else to write so I'll stop.

Friday, March 23, 2012

So I'm supposed to be planning out three meals and two snacks per day and writing them out, and then I have to write out what I actually eat.  Right now it's after 4 PM I've eaten 2 meals and have no desire to eat anymore for the rest of the day because my stomach is not feeling so hot.  It's definitely not a mental thing. It was either my lunch or the fact that I've cut down on my medicine two weeks ago and now it's starting to cause a problem.  I'll know if that is the case in a couple of days, but I have a feeling that might be the problem just because I'm having some of the symptoms I had before I went on the medicine.  So, I might have to go back to every day instead of once a week.  I followed the doctor's orders and he said if I start having problems then I need to start taking it every day again.

I'm going to go for a run.  I haven't weighed myself today.  Oh wait, that's a lie, I weighed myself after breakfast, with my clothes on, so it doesn't really count.  I'd like to take a nap but I can't because I'm going running with my friend.  I hope my stomach is okay for that.

Anyway, I have not eaten the way I'm supposed to today.  Oh well, I don't really care.  I don't want to gain weight, although I know I have to for the mere fact of pleasing other people...those other people are my parents and Charro.  Sucks a butt.

I guess I should get my butt in gear to run.

Gwyneth

Why do I find Gwyneth Paltrow to be so annoying?  I don't know why, she just does.

Time to go to work.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Seriously, down again?

So I had an okay sesh with Steph.  I'm still not understanding the talking about food the entire time.  It's food!  So, I had on shorts and a tank top because I was heading to the gym right after, which made getting weighed so much more enjoyable.  I didn't have pockets so I stuck my chapstick in my sports bra.  She made me take it out.  I was like, "Really, because it weighs so much.  You wanna hold it?"  When I walked in, because we go through this routine of having to take off every possible layer of clothing before I get on the scale, I said, "I know, I know, take off the sunglasses, shave my head, throw up any possible fluids I just consumed."  Well, I weighed 96.8 on her scale.  I was clearly weighing less clothing than last week when I was wearing jeans and a belt, which would be why I weighed less this week.  Ugh...I'm not trying to lose weight so I don't know what the deal is. 

So she wants me to double every portion of food I eat for the next week because she says that I "need to eat more."  Okay, whatever.  I don't understand why I have to eat if I'm not hungry.

Oh, so I was waiting for Stephanie to come out and get me and some guy started talking to me about global warming and didn't stop, so Steph came out and was like "You can come in," and gave me a look like and goes, "What was he talking about?"  I said, "I have no idea."  She goes, "Maybe he came to get his meds."  That was kind of funny.

More to come after I listen to my sesh.
I'm not really feeling like going to my sesh this afternoon.  I don't know what we'll talk about.  I have things I'd like to talk about but that doesn't mean that we'll talk about them. 

I can't decide if I'm hungry right now or not.  Maybe I'm just thirsty.  Maybe I'll have a grapefruit because they are so amazingly juicy and delish.  My mom shipped fruit up to me from Florida.  YUM!! 

It's freaking gorgeous out.  I LOVE it so much.  We have had the best winter ever, and now start of Spring.

I wonder what my weight will be on Steph's scale.  Apparently it doesn't matter what it is on mine because I can never figure out what it's going to be on hers.  Hopefully it will be a good sesh.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I don't say it

I went outside last night and just looked up at the sky.  It was awesome.  I could see a zillion stars and some planets. 

My cat is scratching at my food log, I think she hates it too. :)  Maybe if I've lost more weight since last week, Stephanie will do away with the food log.  It would show that it's clearly not helping.  Tomorrow's sesh should be interesting. I'll either leave in there satisfied with our discussion or annoyed and pissed off.  We'll see.

I'll weigh myself in the morning to see what the deal is.  I think I'm supposed to tell her if I'm weighing myself, but I haven't been. She hasn't asked so I haven't said. 

My spacebar is not working well.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

What's the point?

I'm so over this food log.  At this point, it just pisses me off.  I don't care about writing things down so much, I mean, for the annoyingness of it I do, but it's not messing with my head like it did last week.  I just don't see the point in doing this since I'm probably only going to be seeing Stephanie 3 or 4 more times.  If I was going to continue seeing her, this might make sense, but it seems kind of pointless for just a few sesh's.  I don't really see what's going to get accomplished.

I'm going to do everything in my power to steer the conversation away from food on Thursday.  Everyone always says that it's not about food, yet that's all she wants to talk about.  Maybe we can talk about how I'm sort of freaked out by my parents coming home and noticing that I've lost weight.  Forget about what's going to happen when Charro returns, maybe she won't notice. I don't want to have a conversation about my body weight with my parents and I don't want to fear getting fired from Charro everytime I see her.  I'm praying that she does NOT get a scale for her other office.  She said that she has access to one, let's just hope she doesn't bring it in and let's hope it doesn't appear on our first day back together. That would suck!!

My contacts are killing me, I need to go take them out.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Annoyed with all this food talk

Okay, I'm not really quite sure I understand what Stephanie and my work is supposed to consist of because it seems to be all about food.  Isn't that what a nutritionist is for?  I emailed her and asked her a question and then told her that I was writing some thoughts down and would send them to her because we never get to talk about anything but food in there.  I said that to her.  Her response was this:  "Yes, feel free to write down what you want to discuss and we can allocate time separate from discussing healthy eating and implementing healthy eating. Please do keep logs over the next few days and try to plan eating healthy meals (3 meals, 2 snacks every 3-4 hours). The idea is not to pick at things and to eat in a healthy, nourishing manner that allows you to break from the loop of obsessing and avoiding. I know it's hard, that's how you know you're working on it."  I don't know why she is so focused on what I'm eating.  Again, isn't that the job of a nutritionist?  I just get annoyed because there are things that are on my mind that I want to talk about and we don't get to talk about because we're too busy talking about what I've eaten.  That's not what I want to talk about, that's not what I'm supposed to talk about.  Isn't "not about the food?"  It's annoying.   We shouldn't have to "allocate" time to talk about the things that are on my mind, since that's what I'm supposed to be there to talk about.  Grrr. 

I went for a run in the Park today and it was so nice.  I am so out of shape because running killed me. That's so not cool.  I don't know what my problem is.  All the trees are blossoming and it's still 71 degrees out at 5:15 PM. I LOVE IT!!  80 degrees on Thursday.

I've gained weight since last week. Stephanie will be happy.  At this point I'm kind of annoyed with our sesh's so I kind of want to lose weight so she knows I'm annoyed.  Oh right, maybe I should just tell her??   don't care for myself that I gained a pound or two back, but I wish I hadn't for her sake. 

Charro's weigh-ins

The weather is going to be completely awesome this week.  I'm psyched!!  I'm going to go for a run in the park today, which will be nice because everything is blooming.  I'm very thankful that I don't have allergies.

My foot still hurts, but it's feeling a little better.  I stopped taking the Ibuprofen for my hip last Monday and I guess it was actually doing something because my hip has been burning the past few days.  It's so uncomfortable.  I wonder what it's going to feel like after I run.

Three more days of this damn food log...well, I know she's going to make me keep doing it, but I'm taking Thursday off, since I'll send it to her on Wednesday night.  Maybe she won't make me do it anymore, I really can't stand it.  That's probably an understatement, to be honest.

I'm kind of scared for Charro's return.  I had a dream she came back and said, "We're going to weigh you on Tuesday."  I thought, "Oh crap, how am I going to pull this one off?"  I don't remember the rest of the dream, but I'm totally screwed, if things stay as they are right now, when Charro comes back.  I loathe my weigh-ins with Charro.  Maybe I'll just quit therapy all together if she fires me.  I might drop down to two days a week too, just because I can't really afford three days a week. That's fine.  Lots to talk about when she gets back.  It will be weird to try and pick up or start over, or whatever.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The shoulds

I should eat dinner but I'm not really hungry.  Hmmm, dilemmas.  This will look great on the stupid food log.  I've been contemplating this one for 30 minutes already.
So I think that Stephanie might live where I teach aerobics.  Now that would be interesting if she showed up to the gym and wanted to take class and saw me.  I'm sure she'd leave because that would be a bit awkward.  I would die if I saw her out in the gym while I was teaching class.  There's a good chance that if she does live there, she doesn't go to that gym, but who knows.

I weighed myself this morning.  I wanted to make sure that I hadn't lost anymore weight.  All was good.

OMG, I just saw that it's going to be 80 degrees next Saturday. WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!  Of course that's a week away so it could, and most likely will change. We know how these forecasts go.

I'll probably hear from Charro in a week about when she's coming back.  I guess that will be good, but I like Steph.  It was much easier to leave Kruger because she sucked!  I did get some good stories out of seeing Kruger though.  She was a disaster.

Do I really have to get dressed now?  I'm going to play field hockey later, but I'm sort of hoping that it get canceled because I don't really want to go.  I said I would, so I have to.  I'll have fun once I'm there, it's just getting there.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

How does one interpret that?

So I went to this event today and saw this woman I use to work with about 7 years ago.  I saw her a few years ago and last time she saw me she commented on my weight. Well today she goes, "How much weight have you lost?"  How am I supposed to answer that?  Was I obese before?  I just don't get it.  I don't even know what I said in response.  Did she think I was fat before?  I just don't know and I don't understand what people mean when they say these things?  She's an older lady, Italian decent, so they're always commenting on peoples' weights I think, but still.  If I ever think of responses to these types of comments I'm going to publish a book so other people have the answers so they don't get stuck in this situation.

I was sitting with these men in their 70s, my dad's friends.  They were also commenting about how small I am, but that was different, plus they're old men. They are funny guys. It was cute, one of them was telling me a story about my parents when they first started dating.  It was really cute.  It made me think about how when I'm older I want to have friends who I've been friends with for 50+ years.  I love my parents.

I have to get off the streets of NYC because the drunks are all over the place.  I can't take it.

Anti-St. Patty's Day

I do not like St. Patrick's Day...especially in NYC on a gorgeous Saturday.  You know what that means??  3 million drunk people lining the streets and bars.  That is not pleasant.

I'm going to head out and try to avoid the busy areas. 

I did my food log yesterday and it wasn't too bad, although I don't really think I ate all that much. I didn't go back and look at what I ate, or add things up, I just kind of wrote it and moved on.  I want to weigh myself, but I won't...today.  I really have no idea why I've lost weight since Charro's been gone, I don't feel like I'm doing anything different.  The only things that happened were the stress of wondering about my foot, which may have caused weightloss and the fact that I'm now coaching so I'm a lot more active.  I'm not intentionally "restricting."  (I hate that word).  I'm not working out at the gym more.  I don't know, I just know that I constantly have, in the back of my mind, how Charro is going to kill me if I don't gain weight. I'm completely screwed if she whips out a scale on her first day back.  I don't know where she'd get one from, but she could surprise me, and that's one surprise I would not like.

I'm going to shower and get dressed, but I refuse to wear green on this day.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The food log is back...again

I'm sleepy and it's cold and rainy out.  I have all intentions of going to the gym later this afternoon to run, but I don't know if that's going to happen.  We'll see.  If I don't go, that means that I have to go tomorrow.

Stephanie was in my dream last night.  She was at my house and we were sitting across from each other on the couches and I started to say something about my eating and then Iwas like, "Oh wait, I'll tell you on Thursday. We're not supposed to talk about that when we're just hanging out."  Then she said, "Yes, but we can do group stuff."  I don't know what that meant.

My cat is meowing so loudly. 

So I'm back on the food log. Ugh, this time it's even more complicated because I have to write even more stuff down.  She was torn because she said she doesn't want to increase my anxiety level and then not be able to work with me (because Charro will be back) to bring down my anxiety level, that is clearly increased when she makes me write things down.  She sent me an email explaining everything that she wants me to write down, and it's a ton.

I listened to our sesh and still don't know half of what she said to me.  Oh...confusion.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Steph sesh

I'm not really sure what happened during my sesh today.  I think I was confused much of the time, so listening to our sesh will hopefully clear some things up for me.  I don't know if it will, but we'll see I guess.

So she weighed me and I was exactly 97 lbs on her scale.  She didn't make me take my belt off, which was surprising. I told her that I don't feel threatened by her weighing me, but with Charro I do because there's always that fear that I'll get fired.  I'm probably making Charro sound like a horrible T., which I'm not trying to do, but it did sort of feel good to tell her that I can't be open and honest with Charro about my weight because she'll fire me.

I felt like Steph did most of the talking today, but as I leaving she told me that I did a really good job, which I thought was funny because I didn't say anything. 

It was just a confusing sesh.

Going green

I am going to an Irish potluck tomorrow night and have NO idea what to cook.  I don't know what Irish food is, only Italian food.  Needless to say, I may just end up making a dessert and decorating it green.

What to wear for WIT

Stephanie makes me take off every possible ounce of anything that I might be wearing before I get weighed, it's ridiculous.  I find it funny though, that she doesn't think clothes weigh more than half a pound.  If I'm wearing a sweater, t-shirt and jeans, that's more than half a pound.  I'll have more clothes on today than I did last week because it's colder out.  I gained almost a pound back, but I don't know what my weight will be on her scale.  I don't particularly care because it doesn't really matter.  I hope she doesn't annoy me today.  Maybe when I get there, I'll just run and get on the scale before she tells me to take anything off.  She'll just make me take stuff off and weigh myself again, but it's worth a shot to see if I can get away with it.  :) 

I need to vacuum but I have to wait until it's a little later. I don't want to wake anyone up.

Ooh, it's chilly.  I liked yesterday's weather, sunny and 73. I'll take that again.

Here's to a good sesh.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Polly's face

The girl at the gym next to me looked just like Polly.  Well, her face looked the same, her hair and everything else was different but she had the same face.  The girl must have thought I was a weirdo because I kept staring at her.

I should call it "WIT"

I guess I should start referring to Thursday as WIT (Weigh-in Thursday), although, nah, it getting weighed by Stephanie is not as bad as getting weighed by Charro because it doesn't matter what I weigh in Steph's office.  She doesn't care.  Well, I'm sure she does care but she's not going to punish me for my weight, whicih is such a relief. 

I'm supposed to weigh two pounds more tomorrow than I did last week. Well, on my scale I do, so that's good I guess.  On her scale, I don't know what I'll weigh because right now I weigh (on my scale) what I weighed on her scale last week.  We'll see.

She wants to talk about how I was angry and annoyed last week, but we'll see if that happens, she'll probably just start asking me about what I ate and then ask me a bunch of questions that annoy me, but who knows.  Hopefully it will be a good sesh because that would be nice.  I do like Steph, she just annoyed me last week.  She's going on vacation the week of April 14th, so I'm hoping that's when Charro will come back.  I'm guessing that she will come back around then because she doesn't take much time off and that would have been 2 months off for her, so I'm guessing that she'll be back.  She said she'd let me know at the end of March.  It will be sad to stop seeing Stephanie because I like her, but it will be nice to see Charro again.  I just don't want to have to deal with all the weight crap with Charro because that gets me angry, so I have to figure something out.

I have to go to the gym now.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Raccoon roadkill

I'm sad to report that I hit a raccoon while driving 70 mph on the highway last night.  It was awful. It looked right at me, I swerved, and then it ran into my back tire and I ran it over.  It was awful.  The sound was awful and I felt so bad. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw if flailing around.  I've never hit anything before and it was sad.

Today I saw my neighbor at the gym.  Later on I had to stop by another neighbor's house and she said, "How are you feeling? C. saw you at the gym today?"  I thought that was a strange series of questions?  I was wondering if she was questioning how my foot felt because I ran into her daughter-in-law at the doctor when I was there two weeks ago, but I don't think that's what she meant.  I wonder if C. was like "She looked thin" or something like that, which made my neighbor ask me how I was feeling.  Maybe she meant because of the ulcerative colitis?? I don't know and I never will, unless it gets back to my parents.

I desperately need to go to bed now.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Saving Nurse Jackie

I'm a fan of the show Nurse Jackie, which starts up again in April.  This season Jackie heads to rehab for her pill popping problem.  Last night I had a dream about Nurse Jackie.  I was at someones house, I think it was a party or something, and Jackie and her husband were outside.  I was the only one at the party that knew she was about to enter rehab so I went over to sit with them.  I gave Jackie a hug and held her, as she gave me the past of her pill supply.  She thanked me for helping her and I said, "That's what friends are for, besides, I may be needing you soon."  She asked why and I said, "Food stuff."  She said, "I figured."  I asked her if it was obvious and she said, "Yes, you don't look good," and then said a few other things that I can't remember.  We basically just hugged each other knowing that we were both getting into something scary and hard.  Her husband thanked me, and I woke up.

I don't want to think about what that dream means because I sort of have an idea.  Right now I just want to go back to bed.  I woke up at 4 and didn't really sleep after that, but then finally did pass out and my alarm went off.  That was not pleasant.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I think you're anorexic

A bunch of the girls who take my class and I went to lunch today.   The plan was to walk the mile up to the pizza place, eat lunch and walk back, which we did.  As we were walking back one of the girls says to me, because I think we were talking about how we were full, "I think you're anorexic.  You eat like 5 calories and walk 40 miles."  She was kidding, but part of me was like, is she really kidding, but I'm 99.9 percent sure she was. 

When we were at the place I went to the bathroom.  I think we all thought it was one bathroom, but I was surprised it was actually a room with two stalls.  Anyway, I went in and one of the other girls came in while I was in there.  I'm sure this is not the case, but I wonder if she thought I was in the puking or something.  I know it's all in my head and that these people aren't thinking anything, after all, I'm their teacher.

I'm hungry but I don't want to have dinner because I ate a lot of pizza for lunch.  I am still surprised how I am now not liking my weight even though it is less than what I weighed when Charro was here, but it's more than what I weighed on Wednesday.  This is a problem.

Charro and choices

Charro said that it's a choice to not eat, partake in ED behaviors, and that you know when you're doing it.  Well, I'm going to have to disagree with that...sort of.  Yes, I do agree that you can be totally aware that you are not eating if you're hungry or whatever it is that you're doing, and be choosing to do those things, but given my experience over the past two weeks, I have to say that you're not always aware of what's going on. 

I still think my weightloss had to do with stress because I really have no other explanation.  I was not aware that I was eating less.  I was eating when I was hungry, like I always do.  I was not exercising more than normal, although my walking did increase a little because I started lacrosse practice.  However, I'm also not walking to Charro three times a week, so maybe it's about the same amount of walking.

I was honestly shocked when I got on the scale the other day and saw what I weighed.  I thought my scale was wrong and had to recalibrate it.  It wasn't wrong.  I couldn't believe that I had lost that much weight and I couldn't understand how I lost the weight.  I still don't get it.  It had to have been the stress of my foot because nothing else really changed in my life. 

Why is it that when you try to lose weight, it doesn't happen, but when you're just going on with your life, it happens?  I started downing some peanut butter after that because I know that my parents will notice I lost weight, if I still weigh this in one month, and Charro will fire my ass faster than a speeding bullet.  I'm kind of okay with the weight.  Well, I did get up a little bit since Wednesday and part of me is relieved and part of me wants to go back to that other weight, which is odd since it freaked me out when I saw the number that day.  How does that happen so quickly?  It's going to be a lot harder to be okay with gaining weight now.  I'm sure I'll just gain the weight back without having to try and the weightloss was a fluke, so we'll see.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Get it together

I'm guessing that Charro's going to come back to work in about 4-5 weeks, which means I only have that much time to sort of get it together.  I'm not quite sure that that's going to happen.  I don't know how I lost weight, I really don't, but I lost about 5 pounds in a couple of weeks.  Today I didn't eat well.  I didn't really have lunch because I thought I might be eating out, but then I didn't eat out and when I got home at 4 PM, I didn't know what I wanted so I just made a protein shake.  I did add some peanut butter to it, so there was some fat involved there.  So basically I didn't have lunch or dinner, which I know isn't good.  I'm sure I'll eat something else before I go to bed, but it's definitely not going to be a meal. 

I'm going to lunch with a bunch of friends tomorrow, so I'll eat then.  Dinner is another story, I'll have to cook something.  I weighed myself again today and I gained a few ounces, which is good.  I'm sort of liking my weight though, which is a problem.  When I weighed myself on Wednesday and saw the number, I freaked out because I couldn't believe I had lost weight and weighed that "little."  (for lack of a better word).  Now the number doesn't really bother me, but I know I have to gain weight because Charro would kick me out in 2 seconds flat.  She would either refuse to work with me or definitely make me go to a nutritionist and maybe a group somewhere.  It would not be a good scene, so I have to figure it out and get it together, I guess.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do that.  Hmm.

I wish Stephanie would let me talk instead of telling me that everything I'm trying to talk about is me "distracting," when it's not.  I thought talking about my foot was pretty damn important, but she didn't seem to think so.  Oh well, I'm looking forward to our sesh on Thursday because we have some stuff to talk about.  She actually sent me an email today saying we needed to talk about how I was angry after our last sesh.

I want to sleep all day

I have a feeling that gaining this weight the I need to gain is not going to be so easy.  I'm not really sure how to go about it.  Well, I know that I need to eat more, but it would be a lot easier to do if I had a chef.  Stephanie wants me to gain two pounds before I see her again on Thursday.  She's not going to be mad if I don't, which is nice.  I don't have that fear of getting "fired" when I get weighed by her, which is nice.  She doesn't threaten me.

I'm so freaking tired.  I didn't get enough sleep last night.  It's just going to get worse with the time change tonight.  I want to stay in and go to bed really early so I can possibly function tomorrow and the rest of the week.

I'm going to head to the gym and run.  I can now run knowing that I'm not damaging my foot.  It's going to continue to hurt and I'll keep icing it, but I hope it gets better soon.  That would be really nice because not being able to walk sometimes isn't fun.  I feel like things might have been more clear cut if it was a stress fracture.  I'm happy that it's not and that I'm not on crutches, but who knows how long this is going to take to heal.  I could get a cortisone shot, but I don't want to go there.  I hate what that did to me.

I want to go back to bed but I have to go to the gym.  I'm not going to stay long.

Friday, March 09, 2012

Yay, happy foot

I don't have a stress fracture.  YES!!  I've been given the yellow/green light to do what I want to.  It's some soft tissue damage and he said if it gets worse then I can get a cortisone shot.  I do not want one of those because I don't like what they do to me.  So, it's just ice and watch my footwear for a while.

Not annoyed, but still tired

I slept the annoyed-ness off, which is good.  I'm still tired because I didn't sleep well.  I want my MRI results NOW!!!  I can't take it anymore.

Steph wants me to eat more, not that that's shocking or anything.

I have a date tonight.  I feel like therapists, well, Charro (not so much really) and Stephanie are shocked to find out that I date.  I don't know what the big deal is.  They think it's going to freak me out or something, I'm not really sure.  I'm not uncomfortable with it at all, of course dates can be awkward, but they don't bother me.  Charro likes that I give people more than one chance, if I'm not completely sure of them.  If I know the guys an ass, then there's no need for a second chance.

I wonder what I'll weigh when I see Steph on Thursday.  I'm sure it will be more, which will be fine.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Annoying day and annoying sesh

Besides everything not working properly for my today, Stephanie annoyed the hell out of me today.  I told her that she was annoying me.  She weighed me when I got there and was like "Do you have anything under your sweatshirt?" (because she wanted me to take it off) so I said "No."  So I lost a little over 2 lbs on her scale.  She goes, "Is that your way of telling me that you hated the food log?"  I told her that I didn't try to lose weight, which she believed, which is good because it was true.

So here's where I got annoyed, she kept wanting to talk about my food log and food intake.  I didn't want to talk about that.  I wanted to talk about my foot and how it's stressing out and how I'm not sleeping and I'm going to freak out if I end up on crutches.  She wouldn't let me talk about that because it didn't "pertain" to what we were talking about.  Um, yes, that's what's bothering me so it's what I want to talk about.  Obviously if I am losing sleep over something, it's stressing me out and that's what I'd like to talk about.  Who cares about what I'm eating?  So I was getting annoyed that she wouldn't let me talk about what I wanted to talk about because she thought I was avoiding things.  Ugh!  So then she kept asking me the same question over and over and over again, in different ways.  I was like "I don't know.  I don't know the answer the answer to the question.  Can you tell that I'm annoyed?"  She said, "Now that you told me you are annoying I know."  She wanted to know why I was annoyed and I told her.  I said, "You're questions are annoying me because I don't know the answers and you keep asking me the same thing."  I can't take the questions anymore!!  Then I wanted to tell her that my mom lectured me the other day about how I work out too much and she didn't think that was important either.  I'm like, "Yes it is."  Ugh, everytime I talk about something that she doesn't want to talk about I'm "avoiding."  I finally said, "I'm just going to talk!"  (like not caring what she says).

Ugh, so I'm so beyond tired, which is probably why I'm more annoyed.  I'm probably PMSing.  The new heart rate monitor I bought didn't work so I was annoyed about that.  I just need to go to bed, wake up tomorrow, have the doctor call me and tell me that my foot is not broken.  I just need to sleep and cry, but I won't cry, so hopefully I'll sleep.

Worst run ever

I was apparently not meant to run today.  (For more than just medical reasons).  I got downstairs and noticed that my Ipod wasn't working, so I went up and got my phone figuring I could listen to music on that.  Well, the music was cutting out most of the time, so that didn't work either.  Then, my heart rate monitor wasn't working.  I took it off and noticed it was cracked.  By the time I made it to the park I was highly annoyed.  I ran a little bit and then decided that I probably shouldn't be running anyway because of my foot, so I went to Modell's to look at HR monitors.  I didn't have money to buy one so I'm going to go back later and get one.  I can't live without my HR monitor. 

All my blood work came back fine from the doctor.

And so I wait

I had my MRI last night and now the waiting game starts.  I will probably hear from the doctor tomorrow.   Hopefully I won't have to wait all weekend because I can't take this lack of sleep business.   I slept "late" today, woke up at 5 AM.  It's killing me.  My eyes are so tired.

I'm most likely going to go for a run in the park because it's going to be 70 degrees.  This could be my last run for a while, so I need to do it.  I'm not supposed to be running or jumping, but I'm going to go full out in class tonight too because I'm not really sure how I'm going to teach if I'm on crutches.  That might be interesting.  I sort of have a feeling that my foot is broken, but I go back and forth with that.

I hope Stephanie doesn't spend a million hours talking about food with me today.  She spends so much time doing that and it's annoying.  She's not going to be happy when she weighs me today.  That's going to cause a problem. 

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

That was a physical?

I wasted my time on that??  I got to my appointment and they didn't have my fill out any medical forms.  I asked if I needed to give a urine sample and they didn't know.  I went into the back room and the lady did my BP, weight, and pulse.  She asked me if I wanted to gain weight.   She gave me a pee kit and I went and did it (whoops, didn't label it), and when she came back into the room she asked me where my pee was and I told her that the lady told me to leave it in the bathroom.  She was like "Which lady?"  Then she goes, "The doctor didn't order that for you anyway so we don't need it."   REALLY??  I've always had to do that when I get a physical.  Seems a bit odd.  Then the doc came in, never introduced herself, took very minimal history, checked my ears, eyes and lungs and that was it.  I informed her that I have a pain in my left boob and that I think it's a cyst because I had one once before.  She totally dismissed it.  Then she goes, "Anything else?" as she was getting up to leave and I go, "That's it????"  She says, "That's it."  I wanted to say, "No, that was a question, not a statement lady."  I'm clearly NEVER going back there.  At least they were smart enough to do blood work, but I don't think they would have if I hadn't informed them that I hadn't eaten so I could get bloodwork done.  Seriously a waste of time!!  Wait until I tell Stephanie tomorrow.

3 AM today

I woke up at 3 this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep.  Awesome.  I'm sensing a trend here...and it's not a good one.  I have my physical soon and I am not looking forward to it for the mere reason that I don't like going to the doctor.  It doesn't help that I weighed myself just now and lost weight...like a significant amount of weight.  I really need to start eating more I guess.  I've never weighed this little before and I need to definitely fix that before I see Steph tomorrow.  I can't go in there weighing 4 pounds less than I weighed last week, that would not be good at all.

I'm so freaking tired and I know there's a poop somewhere in my apartment because I smell it.  I can't find it though.  I am going to have to do some serious searching when I get home.  I really want to eat breakfast but I can't until I get back from the doctor.  I hope they do my bloodwork first.  I hope I don't have to pee in a cup.  I am totally buying bananas on the street on the way home so I can eat something.  That's the safest thing to eat off the street because it's in its own little protective wrapper.

I really just want to sleep through the night.  I hope I don't have to answer a million questions at the doctor today. 

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Don't cried over spilled milk

I ran, but only 3.5 miles.  My foot felt fine while I was running.  The most annoying thing was that my heart rate monitor was not working properly, which drove me completely insane because my calories weren't measuring.  I'll probably run again tomorrow.  I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow night.  I need to get all of this running in now in case I'm not allowed to do it.  I should get the results Thursday afternoon or Friday.  It better be good news. 

I spilled my cereal all over the papers I need to bring to the doctor tomorrow for my physical.  Ha.  Oops.  I did not cry over spilled milk, but I wanted to cry over my foot though.

Hello 4 AM

I woke up at 4 AM and finally fell back to sleep around 6.  I was thinking about my foot and what might happen after the MRI and freaking out a bit.  The doctor told me not to run or jump, but my thinking is that if it's nothing, I can run and if it's a fracture and I have to be on crutches for a few weeks, then I should run because I won't be able to do anything for weeks.  I know I shouldn't run but I don't think I can control myself and not get on the treadmill when I go to the gym today.  I know that's bad.  Just a few miles...

Monday, March 05, 2012

The shoe is off

I some good news at the doctor today...at least for now.  I don't have to wear that little boot shoe that the other doctor made me wear.  He said I could wear shoes, but I have to get an MRI to rule out a stress fracture.  The good news is this...regular shoes for now AND if the MRI doesn't show a stress fracture I can resume all activity (at least that's what I heard) and deal with my pain level.  Now the bad news, if the MRI shows a stress fracture where he thinks I may have one, if I have one, then it's crutches for a couple of weeks.  NOT COOL.  He was an awesome doctor though, I really liked him.  He totally gets that I am very active and don't sit still, that's why he wants me to have an MRI.  So I guess we'll see what happens.  Hopefully all will end up happy!! 

I need to see if I can google this stress fracture that Michael Jordan had because that's what it is.

I really don't want to go for my physical on Wednesday morning.  Yuck!

Yes, I guessed it!

I got an email from Charro this morning because I had emailed her last night to fill her in on my foot.  Of course she told me to take care of it and "act opposite of the ED."  I have an ED?  Hmm.  She also told me that I am psychic because I told her she was going to have her baby on the 22nd and she did.  Yay, that was probably what made me the happiest.  Yes, I am a dork.  She told me her name, and it's a little Italian name.  She even told me her middle name, which was impressive.  It was nice to hear from her and it will be nice to go back to her, but it's also nice to get a little break and a different sort of therapy.

I sort of feel like my foot hurts a little more than it has in the past few days, could have something to do with the fact that I walk all over the place.  We'll see what happens when I go to the doctor today.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

The mom lecture

It's a good thing that Charro is on maternity leave because she would probably ban me from seeing her if I walked to her office.  I know she would do something, that's for sure.  I'm probably going to email her tomorrow, after my doctor's appointment, to let her know about my foot.  I'm surprised she hasn't emailed me about the baby yet, but not really at the same time.  She should have her time to just her home with the kids and I'm sure she's quite busy.  She did say she'd email though.

My mom gave me the "you exercise too much and I think that's why you got injured" lecture.  I also got the "I think your colitis was caused by your eating habits."  I said, "Mom, diet doesn't have anything to do with it."  She said that it does and I said, "Not from what I've read."  It's an auto-immune disease.

So, off to the foot doc tomorrow.  We'll see what happens.

Bye bye food log

I emailed Steph and told her the keeping the food log was making me crazy so she emailed me back and told me that I could stop if it was making me more obsessive.  Of course now, I feel like I've failed at this assignment.  I'm happy I don't have to do it though.  Now I feel like I can eat.  I know it's messed up, but I also know that pretty much everyone feels that way, I think. 

I'm sleepy and it's cloudy out.  Why is it not sunny?  It's going to be 70 degrees on Thursday, so I'm THRILLED about that!!

Saturday, March 03, 2012

I go out walking

I'm probably walking way more than I should be.  I walk about 4 miles a day just to get to work and stuff.  I still need to go to the gym today and I hope it's not packed.  Ugh. I had practice this morning so I couldn't go when I usually go. 

I'm nervous that the doctor I see on Monday is going to tell me that I can't walk places and that I can't work out.  I don't think he'll tell me that I can't work out, but what if he tells me that have to stop all the walking?  I'll have to spend more time at the gym and more money on transportation.  I hate spending money to take the subway when I can just walk there.  I have a real issue with that. 

I know that Stephanie is going to ask me a ton of questions about both of my doctor's appointment next week.  She's going to want to call the foot doc, I'm sure, and probably the doctor I see for my physical.  I'm not going to let her.  Let's face it, Charro will probably be back in 4-6 weeks so there's really no need for Stephanie to talk to the doctor's...in my eyes.

This stupid food log is turning me into a crazy person.  I usually do not count calories but I am now doing it.  I'm also eating less than I would be, I think, if I wasn't writing everything down.  I totally understand that she needs to see what I'm consuming to get an idea about things, but there has to be another way here.  I don't know if I should email her and tell her that it's making me crazy or what.

Friday, March 02, 2012

Injury blues

I'm starting to get a little bit depressed about this whole foot thing.  It's a lot of things.  It's the fact that I can't work out the way that I want to...the fact that I'm not putting my weight on my right side which is causing my hip to bother me more and that freaks me out because that means that I'm going to have to have surgery on it maybe sooner than I would like.  I'm also worried that the doctor I see on Monday is going to tell me that I can't work out at all and then I will really freak out.  Maybe he'll tell me I don't have a stress fracture and that I don't have to wear this shoe.  Who knows.  I just fear the worst and that will suck.

So Stephanie wants me to bring her the name and number of the doctor I'm seeing on Monday.  She goes, "Do I have permission to talk to this doctor?  So next week I'd like you to bring me his name and his number.  I don't know any doctor who would think that it's okay to be pounding on that foot.  It doesn't seem okay to me."  I will NOT be bringing her the name and number of him, nor will I be giving her the name of the doctor I'll be seeing on Wednesday for my physical.  She's my fill-in, she doesn't need to be talking to these people.

Let's face it, if the doctor tells me that I can't work out, that's not going to happen.  I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Steph wanted to know if I have "rituals" and "intrusive thoughts."  I do not.  I said, "only when I get song stuck in my head."

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Steph, Day 2 (long post)

So the first thing that Stephanie did today was weigh me.  I had on my winter boot, my ortho shoe and a sweater tied around my waist, I got on the scale and got off and then took my boot off.  She was like, "Wait a minute, can you take that off of your foot?  I didn't notice you had your boot on too.  Come back. (weighed again)  Were you trying to get off quickly before I could see that you lost weight?"  I said, "I didn't lose weight," knowing that I actually had on her scale.  She said, "You lost 6 ounces."  Whatever.  So that was that. 

I thought I liked getting asked a million questions, but I had a lot to talk about and kind of felt interrupted at times.  So, we couldn't avoid the fact that there was a funny velcro shoe on my foot so she goes, "I see you have something wrong with you."  We had talked about my foot last week.  I said yep, but I'm not really sure I told her what it was exactly.  We discussed my working out and I told her that I am allowed to.  She said, "I want to talk to the doctor, can I call him?"  I said, "No, he said I could work out."  She said, "I don't see how any doctor would allow that.  I want you to get me his name and send it to me"  I told her that I didn't know his name, which is the complete truth.  I went to a clinic and saw a PA.  I said, "I'm not lying, I really don't know his name.  I know his first name started with an M and he was a PA, but I have no idea what his name is."  She said that she believed me, which was good because I really was not lying.  I told her that I'm seeing another doctor here on Monday and she wanted his name.  I said, "I don't know it, it starts with a K and it's like 4 miles long."  I can't remember if she said she wanted that name or not, but I'm not giving it to her.  She is not putting a damper on my exercising. 

Oh, the first thing she asked about was if I called about a physical.  I said yes and she asked when I was going and I told her "next week," but she wanted a specific day.  Ugh.

I told her that I will most likely have a mental breakdown sometime soon because I can't run.  I said, "It will most likely happen on Monday.  Is it okay if I email you?"  She said, "Of course."  I told her that I felt bad emailing her and she wanted to know why.  I told her it's because I'm "not really hers."  She said, "Am I borrowing you?  Or, I guess, are you borrowing me?"  I said, "I think it's more like I'm borrowing you."  She said, "Don't you like to take care of the things you borrow?"  I said, "Yes, but that would mean that I need to take care of you."  She said, "Okay, so I'm borrowing you then."  She kind of made a sad face, or something, that showed me that she really cares.

So, I have to keep a food log.  She sent me an outline of how she wants it done.  Awesome!!  I have to do it for the next week.  Oh yeah, and I also have to write down meals that I'm planning on eating and if I didn't eat them, why I didn't. 

I probably have more to write, but I'll have to remember it all when I listen to our sesh.  She spends too much time going over my food.  She did ask if I restrict and I responded with, "Do I think I do?"  And she said, "Would I think you do?"  I said, "Probably."  So she thinks I'm just a compulsive exerciser and that's it, I think.

How much does your boot weigh??

I'm back in wet NYC with my lovely new shoe.  :)  I'll be testing it out a lot today because I have to walk about 3 miles. 

I went to see my butt doctor this morning and they're the best there.  They always take me early.  Anyway, I walked in and the nurse told me that I had to get weighed.  I hopped up on the scale and she goes, "How much does your boot weigh?"  I said, "I don't know, I haven't weighed it in a while."  I thought that was an odd question.  I asked her if she wanted me to take it off but she said no.  Weird.  It's a winter boot, I don't know how much it weighs.  Then she asked my height.  They've never seemed so interested before.  So, that was that.  All is well on "that end."  LOL.

I'm going to see Steph, and I don't know how I'll fit everything in in 50 minutes.  I wonder if she'll say anything about my weight.  Oh, I totally weighed myself this morning and I wasn't supposed to, but I don't care.  I want to know my real weight, not my weight at 4 in the afternoon while I'm fully clothed.

I guess I should eat lunch.