Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I'm here

I'm here.  I only spent 3 hours out by the pool today, actually 3.5, but it was later in the day and I didn't really get much color.  That will change.  Charro wants me to lay off the sun, and I know I should but I can't. 

My parents picked me up from the airport and we stopped at the store.  We were walking and my dad goes, "How come your pants are so droopy?"  I replied by saying, "It's because I have my phone in my back pocket.  It's dragging them down."  I don't think he bought it, but that's how I bought my jeans. 

Tomorrow I will run on the beach and rollerblade.  Hopefully my foot won't kill afterwards.  We shall see.

I can't wait to go to bed.  I didn't sleep well last night and had to get up really early this morning.  Time to catch up on my zzzzz.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Cat in the suitcase

I'm done with Charro for a week, which is sad because when I get back we only have 5 sesh's left before she leaves for a few months.  I know now that she's going on vacation for a week in May, maybe longer, to some place in the Caribbean.  I said, "Oh great, so you come back and then you leave again.  That's not cool."  She won't be going any where this summer, so I guess it's okay. ;)

I'm tired.  I need to pack.  I just got my suitcase out and I dread packing.  I just don't want to do it.  Tomorrow at this time I'll be poolside. :)  I just wish I didn't have to pack, wake up early to get to the airport and pay for a cab.  I guess it's all good though, since I'll be basking in the sun for a week.

I told Charro that my foot will either heal or end up worse during this next week, depending upon what running barefoot in the sand does to it.  She's encouraging me to talk to my parents about stuff, but I don't want to.  I can't.  There's nothing to say really.

I hate leaving my cats.  I hope they don't miss me too much and fare okay without me.  Gave the little guy his IV yesterday, all 200ml, so he should be good to go for two weeks.  I guess I should start packing.  Oh wait, there is a cat in my suitcase!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Stuff(ed)

I've done nothing but eat this whole weekend and I want to vomit.  It doesn't help that I'll be in a bikini on Tuesday.  That's not going to be pretty.  I would love to run tomorrow but I don't think I can do that with my foot.  I guess I can just do the elliptical since I'll be running pretty much everyday on the beach.  I'm not sure if that's going to help or hurt my foot.  My hip, that's another story.  It is what it is and at least I know what's wrong with it, so I don't really care about that too much.  It bothers me and I deal with it.

Seriously, I feel so disgusting right now.  My friends and I had a "soup party" today.  Only three of us made soups but there was a lot of food and I'm stuffed.  The thought of puking doesn't really sound bad to me at all right now, but since I guess I'm not bulimic, I won't do that.  It does seem very appealing and would make me feel better...and probably worse.  I think the reason why I've never become bulimic is because I know if I threw up just one time I'd be completely screwed because I'd never stop and then I would have a serious ED.  That would NOT be good at all and that is not what I want.  So, it's a good thing I just "restrict" and am "exercise bulimic."

I should play with my cats.  I feel horrible that I'm leaving them for so long.  :(  It makes me really sad. 

I need to clean, shower, pack.  My arms are shaky from carrying a pot of soup 2 miles.  If I think about the crap I ate I'll go insane so I have to try and not do that and try and be skinny for my trip.  Lots to chat about with Charro tomorrow.  Only 2 more weeks with her. :)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Stupid foot pain

I'm icing my foot before heading upstairs to a one year olds birthday party, which I will stay at for approximately 37 minutes.  I woke up at 6:30 AM to go babysit, went to the gym, the store, got home, showered and have to leave here in a few minutes, come back and make soup for a party and then I'm going out tonight to dinner and a show.  Busy day for me.

My foot is killing me.  On a scale of 1-10 I'd say it's a 6.  I guess that doesn't mean that it's "killing me," but it hurts a lot when I walk.  My friend who I'm seeing tonight is a PT so I will ask her to check it out for me.  I was reading up a little on tendinitis and it says to stop all activities, which I knew, but I can't do that.  It also says that if it's bad enough they'll put you in a boot cast for 6 weeks.  NO way.  I'm still pretty sure that I'm going to need hip surgery at some point, even though the doctor does not recommend it right now.  I've been taking Ibuprofen for almost two months now and the pain did cease a little but yesterday it was back in full force.  It burns all the time, which might be more uncomfortable than having pain.

I hope my foot gets better while I'm away.  I'll be running barefoot on the beach, which I'm not sure will be helpful or more harmful. 

I really need a nap.  The party starts in 1 minute but I'll go up in 10 or so.  I get antsy sitting around so I'll head up soon.  I won't know anyone and don't want to go, but I have to stop in.  I'll come home and take a nap and make soup before I have to go out.  I'm getting picked up in 3 1/2 hours.  That's enough time to get everything done.

I had tendinitis in my foot in college, which is why I think this is the same thing.  Same foot and it feels like the same area.  I don't remember the treatment, other than sticking it in an ice bath, which I HATED!  I think I have to make the alphabet with my foot too.  I'll ask tonight.  I don't want to have to stop doing things.  That would suck, especially since I'd go crazy because it's right about when Charro is leaving.

I guess I should get ready to go upstairs.

I feel fat today, which is great.  I love that feeling.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Ortho nightmare

My body is like an orthopedic nightmare for me, but probably an orthopedics's dream.  Let's see, my right hip hurts, but that's to be expected because of the tear I have in there.  My left foot has been hurting for two weeks now.  I've diagnosed myself as having tendinitis.  I was going to ask the lady I babysit for (she's a doctor) to look at it for me tonight, but she didn't seem to be in the mood so I didn't.  Maybe tomorrow I'll have her look to see if it's swollen.  It hurts a lot, which I cannot have.  I guess running 6 miles didn't help either of my issues.

I need to go to bed.  I have to get up early and babysit again.  I need the money so it's good.

Chaos

Poor Charro is having a rough day.  I got to my sesh and checked my phone and there were two emails from her.  One said she'd be 10 minutes late, the next one said that the traffic was really bad and she'd be 20-30 minutes late and asked me if I still wanted to come.  I was thinking, "still want to come?...I'm already here."  So, she finally got there and we were going to fit in our full time when her office phone rang.  They asked her to run a group at 10 so that cut us 15 minutes short.  I thought it was weird that she drove to work, but she said she can't walk because she "sprained" her leg.  (She pulled a muscle in her quad, is how I interpreted that).  She's so not athletic, it's funny.  Okay, I don't know about you, but I think people can usually walk with a pulled muscle.  Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's going to have a baby in a month, who knows. I thought that was odd, but whatevs.  So then, someone knocked on the door.  It was like the most chaotic sesh ever.

There was one bright note, she forgot to weigh me.  No WIF.  Well, I said, as I was putting my boots on, "I guess we'll just have to wait to do WIF until I get back from Florida."  She said, "No, we'll do it now." I said, "But I have my boots on."  She said, "I'll take them off."  I said, "You'll take off 7 pounds?"  She laughed.  So really, she has no idea what I weigh because she doesn't know what to subtract.  I weighed like 5-6 lbs more on her scale than I do in real like, with all of that crap on.  She doesn't know that.

Hitting the treadmill later for a 6 mile run.  We'll see how my foot and hip feel after that.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

WIFFING it up

It's "cleaning Thursday."  I also have to do some work too.  I have some reading materials to go through, which I'm sure will be absolutely mesmerizing.  I get to read about financial investments, I think.  Doozy.

I'm not looking forward to WIF tomorrow.  Oh how I hate WIF.  I guess I should just suck it up and live through the three more WIFs I'm going to have over the next month.  Hmm, let's face it, Charro can't fire me because she's going on maternity leave.  I guess I shouldn't worry too much if I've lost a little weight or am not where she wants me to be because, like I said, she can't fire me because she'll be gone.  Maybe that takes a little pressure off of me.

I can't wait to take pictures with my new camera next week.  I'll have to take the instruction manual on the plane so I know what the heck each setting does, because right now I'm just playing with them all.  I want to take cool pics.

I guess I should get my vacuuming over with.  That takes all of 24 seconds.

I wonder what kind of nutty things Charro will do tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Visiting

I went to go visit the man at my college who's dying.  It was great to see him and I got the big bear hugs that he's so good at giving.  He told me to check in on him from time to time and I promised that I would.  He said to me, "You know what you realize..." and he paused and I said, "How many people love you!"  He said, "Yes.  I know I'm a nice guy and that people like me, but I never knew how many people."  I love this man.

I got a parking ticket while I was there for "Not stopping at the gatekeeper."  Really?  I'm fighting that crap.

I don't want to get weighed on Friday.  I ony have to make it through three more weigh-ins before Charro leaves.  I guess that isn't too bad.  I won't have to deal with it for a while, which will be good.  I don't know what will happen.  I won't lose weight, but I won't gain it and if I do, I'll freak out and then lose it.  Too bad I can't just get on with my life.

I got an email from Steph and she said she's looking forward to seeing me.  She's said that a few times, which is really nice.  I guess she likes me.

Ugh, WIF.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

That was a funny sesh

If you read this blog, you probably think that Charro and I aren't ever serious, but we are.  We just have moments of not so serious moments.  Today, she was off her rocker again.  I think it has something to do with the fact that she's 8 months pregnant.  So, she's been playing with her hair A LOT lately, she even admitted to that yesterday.  Well today she got it all knotted up again, grabbed her scissors, and chopped the piece off again.  This is hysterical to me.  I guess she does this a lot because this is the second time I've seen her do it in the past month.  It cracks me up.


The pants I am wearing are a bit big on me.  I was sitting down and they made me look like I had a peenie.  So, I go "What!" and poked my pants down.  Charro goes, "What as if you developed a male organ all of a sudden?"  I almost died.  I couldn't believe she said that.  Then, she brought up my friend "TT" and she goes, "Which by the way, what's her name?  I mean, would you want to be known as TT?  It sounds like two little tits or something."  I nearly lost it.  I started laughing but didn't want to laugh too hard, and she started laughing too.  I can't believe Charro said, "Two little tits."  Seriously, she's losing it and I was about to pee my pants. 


We were talking about distortions and what people see.  She said that a lot of people have been telling her that she's "glowing."  She goes, "I'm not glowing. I use a bottle of concealer every day and I'm tired as hell.  I'm not glowing."  I thought that was funny.


Apparently we're having WIF again on Friday, since I'll be away next week. Yesterday she said we would do it on the 10th and the 17th because the 17th is her last day.  Now we're doing it the next three Fridays that I see her.  What is that about??  Ugh, WIF.  I hate WIF because I don't weigh enough for WIF but I make myself weigh enough for WIF.


Charro and I actually do get a lot of serious talking and things done while I'm in there, I just like to talk about the funny things.  Oh yeah, she wants me to not weigh myself during her maternity leave.  She said, "From February 17th on you will not weigh yourself for two months."  I said, "That's not going to happen."


I forgot that I said to Charro, "Do people just want to come up and poke your stomach?"  She goes, "God, I hope not.  Why is it so pokable?"  I can't believe I said that to her.  I really just wanted to poke it with my finger.  I do that with bread.  I had to poke bread when I see it at the store.


Apparently "exercise is a big part of my obsessive process and it has to be highlighted as something I have to stop."  That, according to Charro who says that my walking is also very compulsive.

Versitile Blogger Award

I've been award the Versitile Blogger Award by TERE.  So, I have to list 7 things about me...let's see...

1. I've never done any drugs, smoked anything or had a drink.
2. I've never gone fake tanning.
3. I don't care for heights.
4. I'm not much of a dare devil.
5. I have a master's degree
6. I had a brussel sprout for the first time last week.
7. I'm a 2 time All-American athlete.

That's all I've got folks.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Words left unspoken

It's not often that we tell the people we love how much they really mean to us.  I've been trying to do that with my parents, tell them how much I love them and how much I appreciate them and how great I think they are.  I tell them I love them everyday, but I don't tell them how important they are and how much they mean to me.  You never know when life will end and I don't want to have those words left unspoken.

I recently found out that one of the coaches I socialized with a lot while I was in college has some rare disease and has 6 months to a year to live.  He's one of the nicest men.  I probably haven't seen him in a year or so but when I do see him, I get the best bear hug from him.  I just sent him an email to let him know what a great man he is.  It's not often people get to hear the nice things people have to say about them.  They often go left unsaid until a funeral, and I didn't want that to happen.  I'm sure he's getting a lot of these types of things said to him as of late.  He deserves to hear every single one of the kind words that people have to say about him.

I can't imagine what it's like to know that you only have a certain number of days left to live.  Sometimes I wish I lived like that was the case.  We should all do that, but we don't.  Life gets ahead of us and we forget that we're only here for a short time.  It's sad.  As Tim McGraw says, "Live Like You Were Dying."

Football...yuck!

I think I might be the only person in NY who could care less about football.  I'm so happy that I will not be here for the Superbowl.  I would rather (you name it) than watch football.  Why does it take 4 hours to play?  I'll be in Florida, a much better place to be.

It's warmer and rainy here.  I'm hoping that it's not raining when it's time for me to walk to Charros.  It's not supposed to start raining hard until later in the day.  If that's the case, and I can't walk, I need to spend more time at the gym.  My game plan is to run for a while, but we'll see how that goes.  I'm sure my foot is going to start hurting as soon as I put my sneaker on.  Oh well.  I'll ice it when I get home.  My hip, well, that just is what it is.

I think I have lots to talk about with Charro today, we'll see what happens.  This post was more boring than usual.                           

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Cookie cake

I just made THESE.  At the moment, I don't even want to eat any of them when they're done baking.  Usually I crave what I bake, but not this time.  I haven't baked since Christmas, and I did a ton of it then and was so sick of the smell of chocolate that I didn't want anything I made then either.  Maybe I'll never want anything I bake anymore, that would be nice.  I actually kind of freaked out a little when I read how much flour was in these things.  I used a lower fat butter, so I'm sure they'll be funny tasting, and fat free cream cheese.  Also, I didn't have dark brown sugar so I used light.  I wonder if that makes a big difference.

I just took them out of the oven and the pan weighs about 14 pounds.  I think chocolate chip cookies would have been better.  Oh well.  We'll see.  I hope they're done.  I feel like I gained 20 pounds just looking at them.  I'm going to my friend's in a bit.  I'll bring some too her but they have to cool down.

FAILED!!  Mine do NOT look like what that woman's look like.  Mine looks like a big, fat, dry cookie cake without gooey chips.  GRRR!!  So not pleased about this.
Why do Sundays have to be so bitter cold out?  It's 11 degrees, 8 degrees warmer than it was last Sunday, and I have to go outside in an hour.  Boo.  (That's "boo" as in "boo hoo" not scary "boo.")  I don't think I have to leave my apartment for the rest of the day after that. 

I made a large amount of minestrone soup yesterday.  I'll be eating soup for the week.  Soups healthy so that's good.

I am all set to start seeing Steph on Feb. 23.  I responded to the email she sent me and asked her if I could tape our sesh's, like I do with Charro.  I'm sure she's going to think that that's completely nuts and probably say no, but I think I explained pretty well why I think it's important.  I'll probably hear back from her tomorrow.

I kind of want to weigh myself.  I feel like maybe I've been wanting to weigh myself more than usual, but I don't know if that's accurate or not.  I might try not to weigh myself at all while Charro's on maternity leave, but let's be realistic, is that really going to happen??  Maybe I'll talk to her about that tomorrow.  I want to tell her that I weigh myself now, even though she weighs me, so I can make sure that I'm keeping my weight up so I weigh enough when she weighs me.  Today I'll try writing down things I want to talk to her about tomorrow.  We'll see if that happens.

One of my cats puked last night, the problem...I can't find it anywhere.  I know it was on the hardwood because I heard it hit the floor, but I don't see it anywhere.  It's not like I have a lot of places to look, I live in a studio!

I MUST do laundry today!!!  Ugh, that means I have to put money on my card.  That's annoying. 

I want to go on a cruise...or to a nice island.  I just saw a commercial for the Bahamas and it looks nice!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Nips

"Nips" was next to me at the gym today.  Let me explain.  There is this woman who wears just a sports bra that is about as thick as a one ply piece of toilet paper.  It's nasty.  She wears it every Saturday.  All you see are nipples protruding about 2 miles and it's not something I want to see.  She was across from me last Saturday, which I thought would be worse than having her next to me, because at least when she's next to me I don't have to see her nips.  Well, she smells too...like dirty, nasty socks.  I think she's anorexic too.  She's really thin but her stomach protrudes out like she's pregnant, but unless she's been pregnant for over a year, I think it's just distended.  That's not important here.  What's important is that she smells and her nipples are sticking out 5 miles and it makes me want to vomit!!

Now that I'm done trashing "Nips," I'll talk about me.  My foot hurts.  It's been hurting ever since I ran last Saturday.  I thought I just tied my new sneakers too tight, but I don't think it would still be hurting if that was the case.  I had 3 days of numb toes too, but at least that ended.  Anyway, I'm thinking it's tendinitis.  I ran again yesterday and today it hurts more.  I'm icing it.  It doesn't look swollen to me, so that's good, I guess.  Maybe it's my new sneakers??  I don't know.  It seems like a coincidence that it started hurting the day I wore my new sneakers.  Of course I still keep running and working out.  Why?  Because I'm clearly "compulsive," as Charro would say.  Actually, her new thing is to tell me that I have exercise bulimia.  I don't really believe that that's the case because I'm not psychotic with my working out. 

I'm going to make minestrone soup today.  I was supposed to go rock climbing but I don't think we're going to trek to Brooklyn to do that.  I'm okay with that, although I was looking forward to giving it a shot and getting a good workout.  I've done it once, a long time ago, with my my ex.  If we don't go, I really need to clean my apartment, after I make my soup. 

I'm hungry.  I'm going to eat something.

Friday, January 20, 2012

What is Charro reading?

My mind or my blog??  She remembered to weigh me today, which hasn't been done since December.  I weighed 103, which is exactly where she wants me to stay (well, she would like me to weigh more), but I did have a lot on.  She said, "You know what you need to do, keep going."  I said, in what I realized was a somewhat snippy tone so I apologized for that, "I'm right where you want me to be."  She basically said that it's up to me to do what I want.  I can stay here or gain weight.  I saw the number and didn't think about how she would subtract a pound off of there, if not more, so in her mind, I'm not where she wants me to be. 

Anyway, she went on to say all of the stuff that I've been thinking over the past two days.  How I need to decide if I want to live this way or not.  That I need to not pretend I'm in treatment when I'm not.  All of these thoughts have been going through my head and I think I wrote about them a little yesterday.  So, I don't know if she's reading my mind of my blog.  I have to remember all of this stuff on Monday so I can talk to her about it.  I'm not going to tell her that I don't weigh what she thinks I weigh, however, if she's reading this, which I doubt that she is, she'll know. 

It's hard because I don't know what I want.  I want to stay at this weight.  I think I'm perfectly fine living this way, that it doesn't bother me, and then I have a freakout.  I haven't really freaked out about my body since Thanksgiving, so that's a while ago.  Clearly they are much less frequent than they use to be.  I'm less obsessive, but still a little obsessive.  Maybe I should take some time this weekend to write a bunch of things out for Charro so I can bring them to her on Monday.

She told me her last day will be Feb. 17. :(  So I have a week and a half with her when I get back from vacation before she leaves.  It's going to be a long 4 months.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Faking it?

I have two long walks ahead of me today and it's really cold out.  I wouldn't mind the walks if it wasn't 21 degrees out there.  I mean, I could take the bus or subway, but it's not worth it just to go 25 blocks.  It will take less than 30 minutes to walk there and back, so it's not that far.

My hip has been feeling better, minus the fact that it feels like I've poured IcyHot all over the inside of my hip flexor.  Right now, it just feels like I need to get up and stretch it so far because it's really uncomfortable.  It hasn't been hurting so much when I walk over the past week.  Maybe that Advil everyday is working.  I just have discomfort.

I can't wait until the end of my sesh tomorrow to see if Charro weighs me.  If she doesn't, I'll ask her if we're no longer doing WIF anymore.  I'll wait until Monday to ask her though, that weigh she can't weigh me until Tuesday or Friday.  I should weigh myself now to see where I stand.

I weighed myself the other day and I wasn't anywhere near where Charro thinks I am.  I had gained about 2 pounds for a while there, but now I'm back down.  Well, at least I was back down the other day, I could be back up today because we all know, as Charro says, "we fluctuate."  Maybe I should just stop thinking so much about it and let it just be what it is.  I have to figure it all out, because right now I'm just in the same place I was in a year ago, I think.  I don't know.  Well, I'm not weighing myself all the time, but I think my weight is pretty much the same and I sort of feel like I'm lying to Charro about it and I'm not really doing this whole process, but kind of faking it.  I don't know.  I don't think that's something I can talk to her about because then I'll have to make a decision and I don't want to do that.  I don't want to decide to go balls to the wall and eat the way I should and gain weight, I want to stay at this weight but be able to not be obsessive and freak out less, which I have accomplished somewhat.  I don't think I'm making any sense so I'm done writing.  I'm going to stretch my hip, even though I'm not supposed to really stretch it too much.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Nice comments

I was talking to one of my co-workers today and she told me that her cousin died.  I asked if she was sick and she said, "She was anorexic.  She was 6 feet tall and weighed about 80 pounds."  I said, "Oh, that's horrible."  She went onto say that she died from an infection, but believe that her body was probably just too weak to fight it off.  How sad.  She has no idea that I had an ED.

Then I went to the grocery store.  I parked my car and then noticed there was a man in the passenger seat in the car next to me.  I was in between the lines but if he wanted to get out, he wouldn't have had too much room, so I re-parked.  I got out of the car and he rolled down his window and said, "I could have gotten out.  I would have climbed through the sunroof because you are so beautiful."  I said, "What," to see if I had just heard what I thought I had and he repeated, "You're so beautiful."  Well, that was very nice.  I smiled at him and said, "Thank you very much."  I thought that was very nice oh him and it made me happy.  I might not necessarily agree with him, but it was very nice to hear.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

No surprise WIT

Charro didn't weigh me today, I didn't think she would, but I was ready for it anyway.  I wonder if she will remember that she hasn't weighed me in 3 weeks and that we should have WIF this Friday since she forgot last Friday.  Again, I'm not going to remind her.  If she doesn't remember to weigh me then it's obviously not that important.  I don't want to get on that scale so I'm happy with her forgetting.  I really don't know if she'll forget again though.  Maybe she's just not going to weigh me anymore, that would be nice.

Today she warned me that we might have a fire drill while I was there.  I told her I'd hide under the desk.  She said they're stupid because we don't leave the building, but everyone congregates in the lobby.  What's the point of that.  So, they came on and made an announcement but I don't think it was the floor we were on so we just stayed there.  She decided we weren't going to leave anyone, but said that sometimes people knock on the door to get you.  That would have been mortifying for me to walk out of the psych dept. and stand there with all of these people and other therapists, one who I know from my friend who use to work there.  I'd been to that girls house.  I don't know if she'd remember me, but still.  It didn't happen though.

I told Charro was I annoyed with her yesterday because I felt like she wasn't hearing what I was saying.  I said, "I was trying to tell you how I was feeling and you were kind of brushing it off."  She was happy I told her that.  It ended up being a good sesh.  She thinks it might be a good idea for me to keep a food log while she's gone but it won't really do anything if no one is looking at it.  Ya know?  I'm not going to make Steph look at it.  She thinks by having me write down what I'm eating I'll be able to hold myself more accountable and see what I need, or something.  I don't think so though.

So, that was that.  Maybe WIF on Friday.
Let's hope that Charro does not surprise me with a weigh-in today because I will get a lashing.  I'll be screwed.  I'm wearing the jeans that she refuses to weigh me in, hoping that will deter any thoughts of her sticking me on that scale.  Blah.  I don't even want to go to my sesh this morning, not because of my weight but because I haven't felt like going since I left her yesterday.  I guess I should get ready to go though.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sort of online

Well, I went to Best Buy 3 times today.  I nearly passed out the third time because it was SO BOILING HOT in there.  My back was literally wet with sweat.  Anyway, I got a cord for my computer, at a mere $65.  I feel like I should have just bought a new computer.  The cord works for power, but it not charging my battery.  I should have just spend another 400 dollars and bought a new computer. 

I left my sesh with Charro kind of in a bad mood.  I voiced my concern about my fear of "screwing up" while she's on maternity leave and of course she gave me the "it's your choice" line again.  I'm sick of hearing that.  Sometimes you're not really aware of the choices your making until it's too late.  I told her that she's going to be mad at me if I screw up, when she gets back.  I'm trying to tell her how I feel but I don't feel like it's going so well.

I sort of feel like she realized that we didn't have WIF on Friday, but she didn't say anything to me.  Hmm, I have a feeling she's waiting for me to say something to her, but I'm not going to.  I don't like these games that I think she's (and I'm) playing, but I could be making it all up in my head and she maybe has no clue that she forgot WIF.  I guess we'll know on Friday.

She also told me that maybe I should write a different blog, like one focused on all positive things and recovery related.  I'm not into that.  I need to get out of my head the things that are in there, so that's what this is for.  It's weird that she mentioned my blog.  I know she doesn't know the link so I know she doesn't read it, but sometimes I wonder if she does.  I know she doesn't read it though because she has a life and is busy and has much better things to do than to read my boring blog.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

crapped out

my power cord died.  no computer for me.  the end.

Frozen eyes

My eyes froze and I still want to weigh myself.  I almost did, but I didn't.  It's only 2 PM though.  The day is young...and still freezing.

Didn't think I'd be leaving my apartment again today, but now I'm going to go babysit.  I can't pass up much needed cash.  More frozen eyes to come.

15, 4

It's 15 degrees out, but it "feels like" 4.  Woo hoo.  I can't wait to go outside in an hour and walk a mile.  That's going to be fun.  I will have my 2 million layers on.  I actually scare small children in the elevator because I look like a, well, I'm not sure what I look like, maybe like a mean robber or something.  I think the only part of my body that is exposed is my nose and part of my cheeks. 

I really want to weigh myself but I'm not going to.  Not to say that it might not happen at some point today, but not right now, which is when I should weigh myself if I'm going to weigh myself because I haven't eaten yet.  I'm not going to.  I'm going to eat my breakfast and get dressed so I can go teach my class.  I will do nothing else the rest of the day.  Well, nothing that requires me going outside again.  Maybe I'll try and get rid of some stuff in my apartment.  A nice little apartment/clothing purge.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Yay for leftovers

I made it through my run.  :)  You see, Saturday mornings at my gym are a disaster if you don't get there before 9 AM.  I got there at 9 AM and hopped on the treadmill.  There is a 30 minute rule when people are waiting for a machine, and by 9:30 AM lines start forming, so I ran 3 miles and then restarted my treadmill.  I did that just in time because the lines started forming and people come around and check your machines to see how much time you have left.  I put a towel over my time so I don't stare at it the whole time and people will ask you to remove your towel.  Anyway, I reset my treadmill and ran another 3 miles, which was good for me mentally too.  It seems faster to run from 0-3 miles than it does to run from 3-6 miles.  I got to mile two (the first time) and didn't think I was going to make it to 6, but by the time I reset the treadmill I was ready to do all 6.  Good thing I did too because I went out for lunch.  It was a late lunch, so I don't need to eat dinner.  It counted as two meals.

I am dreading walking the mile to the gym I teach at tomorrow because it's going to be so freezing.  I am not leaving my apartment when I get back.  Maybe I'll do something productive.  I don't have to cook anything because my leftovers will last me for three meals.  I didn't really even eat my meal because my friend and I shared another meal as an appetizer because I had a $50 gift certificate to use.  So, I have that and my meal to eat.  That's a lot of food.  Yay for not having to cook.  Not yay for feeling fat and gross.  I want to weigh myself but I won't.

Please...

Let the gym be free of a million people so I can hop right on a treadmill and not have to wait for a machine.  Please let it be the treadmill I like and please make running for 60 minutes easy, and possible somewhat enjoyable.  At least I will have new sneakers on which might make it somewhat enjoyable.  As Nike says, "Just do it!."

I'm still so thrilled that Charro forgot to weigh me yesterday.  I wonder if she'll bring that up on Monday.  I wonder if she remembered.  I wonder if she was testing to see if I would remind her, but I don't think so because she doesn't play games like that.

I guess I should eat my "sticks" now, as Charro calls them so I can hit that treadmill. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

Because I forgot stuff

I know I just wrote a post about an hour ago, but I have other stuff to say now.  When I was with Charro this morning I commented about how I'd see new people because I'm changing from Wed. to Tuesday for the next month before she goes on maternity leave.  She said, "No, it's pretty quiet.  You see the psychiatrist (pause), the people going to the psychiatrist."  I thought she was going to send me to the psychiatrist.  When she said, "You see the psychiatrist" my eyes bugged out.  I was like "What!!?"  Thankfully she did not mean that.

I was planning on running today, but I don't think my body can do it.  It's tired.  I don't think my legs would last very long.  I feel like I should go, but I sort of know it would be pointless at the same time.  I didn't work out on Wednesday, but I did walk about 3 miles with my backpack and another bag, so that was sort of something...maybe??  I don't know.  I'm just tired.

Hopes happen

Well, I hoped that Charro would forget to weigh me and she did. :)  This time, I did not remind her.  I'm sure she's going to remember and surprise weigh me next week when I see her, or say something to me on Monday.  I don't need to remind her.  She's the one who wants to weigh me so she can remember.  She is very pregnant so maybe that's why she forgot.  Or, maybe she can't remember this every other Friday business.  Whatever it was,  I escaped.  :)

Charro agrees that I am talking more, which is good.  She keeps telling me that I need to be open with Stephanie and talk to her and not just "shoot the shit."  I won't just shoot this shit because Steph will not allow that to happen anyway.

I've got my shirt on...the shirt that I always wear when I'm sitting in my apartment...it's brown and black and white, has a pinkish-orange nose and green eyes, purrs and has 4 paws.  :)  Meow.

I need to call my office.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

So I looked funny...

Who cares??!!  I sure didn't.  I've been up since 4 AM and I'm a bit tired.  My house phone rang so I JUMPED out of bed because there's always something wrong when the phone rings at that hour.  Luckily nothing was wrong, but I wasn't able to fall back to sleep.

I spent my morning serving my civil duties.  I was almost late to jury duty because I couldn't find where I was supposed to park.  It was gross and rainy out.  I got there and knew four people, which is bizarre.  Out of 40 people, I knew 4 of them.  Weird.  Well, I sat and talked to one for a while and then I just couldn't sit anymore.  I had a snack, read a little, walked around, stood around, then I decided to do some tricep push-ups on the heater ledge.  I didn't care if people saw me and thought I was nuts.  I could not sit still anymore.  My body was getting tight. I stretched and did a little push-ups, what's wrong with that?  Nothing.  Luckily enough, they let us all go, well, the 20 of us who were left, at 12:30.  Yay.  Now I can work out!!!!  :)  They called 20 names and I heard my first name and my heart stopped, but they didn't say my last name. :)  Yay!

So I made it back to NYC.  I'm off to work out.  My sesh with Charro tomorrow should be productive because I have lots to talk about.  UGH, I just remembered that it's WIW.  Again, maybe she will forget.  I hope she does.  I'll just make sure I keep talking a lot so she doesn't weigh me.  Maybe that will work.  We shall see.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

To be continued

Charro and I continued our discussion about choices today.  She said she wants to continue it again on Friday.  It's good because I'm talking, which is good.  She said I did a "good job" today.  Ha.  I acknowledged that I spoke a lot.  Maybe she'll forget that Friday is WIF.  I have a feeling that she might and if she does, I will NOT remind her.  Maybe she thinks we did it last week.  Maybe she'll just forget all together.  I'm hoping that's the case, I really am.  I'll probably weigh myself in the morning on my scale her at my house.  It's about 2 pounds less than my scale in my apartment. I think this one is actually the accurate one, which makes me happy. 

I'm sleepy.  I can't wait to go to bed early tonight.  I have to get up early tomorrow to serve my civil duties.  That should be a blast.  Ugh. I hope I'm not there all day.  I'm going to be bored out of my mind.  Guess I should bring a book since there's not wifi.  What is that about?

I'm doing laundry now.  I have to get all my stuff together for tomorrow and then I have to listen to my sesh and watch Chelsea Handler's new show.  That's the agenda for tonight.  Not too bad. 

I like when Charro shares little stories with me.  I wonder if she does that with her other people.  Hmmm???

Oh yeah, Charro asked me what I ate yesterday.  Of course she had to ask me that question when I didn't really eat dinner last night.  I thought about making something up, but I didn't.  She yelled at me for "grazing."

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

In recovery

Apparently I'm "in recovery."  Charro keeps saying this to me, and I have to say, it catches me by surprise each time.  The first time she said it, I thought she might have made a mistake, but then she said it again.  Weird.  So, that's cool.  I'm "in recovery," aka, I don't have an ED anymore. 

I need to get new sneakers.  My foot is starting to hurt when I run and my other knee, which has had tendinitis issues in the past, is having them again.  So, tomorrow I will hopefully get some new sneakers.  Getting new sneakers always makes me want to run too, so let's hope that happens.  I should get some new cross trainers too.  Nah, no money for that right now.  I have to order my medication and that's $2000.  Woo hoo!

Monday, January 09, 2012

Choice vs Disease

I had this discussion with Charro the other day, whether what I do (or anyone with an ED or whatever) is a choice or not a choice because I "have an illness."  She is always telling me that I "have a choice."  This discussion continued today because I was sort of talking about it again and then I said, "What if I had to have hip surgery and I couldn't work out and I freaked out because I couldn't work out and was afraid I was going to gain a million pounds and didn't eat."  She said that that would be my choice.  I still disagree with this.  I tried to explain to her that sometime things get to the point where they are not our choice.  She agreed with that.  She told me how she had to commit people into the hospital before because they were so skeletal.  She said one girl she worked with wouldn't even sit next to someone eating because she was afraid she was going to gain weight.  She said, "At that point they don't have a choice because they're so malnourished that they can't make a decision for themselves."  She said that I have been lucky enough to still be able to make choices and decisions for myself.  I agreed that that is a good thing.  The discussion was actually very good and left me with a lot to ponder, which I will do when I listen to our sesh later.  I'd like to continue the discussion on Wednesday because I still and trying to figure it all out and she's helping me do that.  I'll have to take notes when I listen.

In other news, I weighed myself this morning.  I'm probably weighing myself a couple of times a week now, which still doesn't make Charro thrilled, but she agrees that it's much better than 50+ times a day.  I have WIF on Friday.  Woo hoo (not really).

I'm starting to remember all the stuff Charro and I talked about today.  It was good stuff.  I said, "Then I'm the only one to blame for being where I am now."  She basically said yes, but that I was predisposed to get this.  I knew that I was the one who got me here, but now it's really like I was the one who go me here, if that makes sense.  Obviously no one else made me do it, but when you're starting out on a diet, you don't know it's going to turn out like this.  So much to "explore."

Sunday, January 08, 2012

My arms are falling off

After I taught class today I went to the grocery store, two actually.  I stopped at one not far from the gym and bought a 5 lb box of clementines and two yogurts, a new brand that I've never tried but it was on sale.  I have to taste it before I buy more.  Then I walked to another grocery store to get more yogurts, also on sale and grapefruits because they were on sale.  So, I bought 6 grapefruits, 5 more yogurts and a carton of eggs and walked another 6 blocks.  So, my arms are about to fall off.  I walked a mile with the other stuff in my hands after lifting weights.  My arms are so shot.

So my friend who I was with last night kept telling me that I am too skinny and need to gain weight.  I always find that humorous because I don't believe that one bit.  He's a guy so of course he would say that.  No girl would ever tell another girl that unless they were emaciated.  He told me I need to eat more.  I haven't seen him in almost a year, but I've definitely gained weight since I saw him last.

Okay, my friend's on her way over.  IV duty calls.  I need some luck with this!

Do people care?

I don't get the fascination with celebrities.  Beyonce had her baby, not too far from me, and the news crews are out there reporting about it.  What I want to know is, WHO CARES??!!  Why does that story take the lead over Gabby Giffords?  This is partly why I got out of the news business.  Oh well.

I'm tired.  I had to wake up really early this morning to work, but now I'm back and have to leave to go work out.  My apartment smells like cat puke, but I haven't found any so I don't know what the deal is with that.

I feel and look fat.  It's going to be hard for me to not try and lose weight while Charro's on maternity leave.  Hmm, I don't know what I'll do about this.  If I mention this to her, she'll tell me that it's my "choice," and I HATE when she says that, as I stated in a previous post.  I guess I'll see what happens when she's gone.  I really don't know what is going to happen.  She said that she's going to call or email Steph before she leaves.  I'll ask her if she's going to CC me on that email.  I have a feeling that I already know the answer to that.  Maybe I'll ask her for my notes before she goes.  I haven't asked for those in a while.  She loves that too.  Ha.

Okay, I need to find my other glove that I could not find this morning. I hope I didn't lose it.  One of my favorite lip glosses fell out of my pocket the other night.  I was very saddened.  I'm not over it.  :(

Saturday, January 07, 2012

I'm waiting for my friend to get here.  I haven't seen him in a while so we're going to go grab dinner.  Food is really the last thing I want right now.  I feel disgustingly fat so I don't really want to go to an Italian restaurant.  I could just get soup, which I might do.  I hate when I feel this way and I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I'm pmsing, which is weird since I am always like 10 days late and now I'm either going to early or on time, which is unacceptable because now that means I'll get it when I'm in Florida.  Ugh!  That is not the reason for me looking fatter though, my love handles are disgusting.  BLAH!

I best get on with my life...or evening I guess.

Other nuts ;)

I'm not the only nut, I woke up this morning and saw a guy on the roof across the way doing some strange running type exercise.  I wanted to video him because he sort of looked like Phoebe from Friends while he ran.  I got a good smile out of it.  I do weird exercises in my building too.

It's unseasonably warm here today which means that I will go for a run in the park.  Those are two of my favorite words, when put together, "unseasonably warm."  It has such a lovely ring to it and it makes me happy.  I hope it stays unseasonably warm for the next 5 months and then stays hot.  That would be fantastic.

I shall go and enjoy my run in the park, even though we all know that running is not my favorite thing to do, but I'll soak it up today since it gets me out of the gym.  In a few weeks I'll be running on the beach, which will be even more fantastic.  There is nothing better than running on the beach barefoot while listening to the waves crash, seeing dolphins or manatees, if I'm lucky, dodging man-o-war, and picking up shells along my way.  Woo hoo!! 

I haven't been all that productive this morning, minus cleaning my bathtub and watching my brother on TV.  I could take down my Christmas stuff, but I don't know so I won't.  :)  Now I'm watching a Taylor Swift video.

Friday, January 06, 2012

Burning...buildings and calories

I went to the gym, but I feel like it was pointless because I didn't burn enough calories.  What did burn, almost, was one of they dryers in my building.  I turned the corner to see a bunch of fire trucks in front of my building.  Well, they men were all in my building.  Thankfully nothing burned in my apartment building.  I'm not so thankful that I didn't burn a zillion calories.

This is my argument

I had this argument with Charro this morning, well it wasn't an "argument" so much as a discussion.  She always tells me that I "have a choice."  This got me thinking, if I really have a choice, then I don't have an illness.  I argued that you either have a choice or an illness.  If it's a choice, it's not an illness.  She disagreed with that, but I still stand by what I think.  I told her that you don't really have a choice when it comes to certain things because it's like someone is holding a gun to your head, or that's what it feel like.  I told her that at the beginning, when I started all of this, it was a choice.  I decided that I wanted to lose weight and how I was going to about doing it, but then it became not a choice.  Make sense?

Charro revealed her due date to me today.  It's Feb. 25th.  I told her she's going to have her on Feb. 21st and she's going to weigh 7 lbs 6 oz or 8 lbs 1 oz. 

I am hungry but I can't eat right now because I just used my prescription toothpaste and have to wait 30 minutes.  How annoying.

The other day Charro told me that I'm coming out of my denial.  That was a good one.  I thought she was going to surprise weigh me today since last Friday she forgot to weigh me and then I sort of reminded her so she weighed me and I had already put my boots on.  No surprises though.  I should know by now that she's not going to do that to me.  I know her well enough to know that now.

I really, really do not feel like going to the gym today.  I'm tired, my body is tired, but I feel like I should go.  I didn't do anything on Wednesday, but walk the 1.5 miles to see Charro while carrying my backpack and another bag.  I ran to catch the train to head home after that and went to the office and stuff.  Wednesday is usually my day off from the gym because I'm traveling, so that was normal, but I also didn't do anything on New Years days, so that would make three days this week of not working out if I didn't go to the gym today.  I don't think that's acceptable for me.  Sure, it's fine if others do that, but it's not okay for me.  I don't know what I'll do, maybe I'll get a huge burst of energy, but I don't know.  I wish I could just not go and not feel bad about it.

There must be some contruction going on above me because I keep hearing banging. 

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Run fast!!!

It is freezing out today.  I ran into Charro on the street on my way to see her today.  It's always a bit awkward.  We walked together for a minute and then she said "you can go ahead."  I said thank you.  I guess she could tell that I wanted to walk faster.  I went ahead and waited for her.


My sesh was fine.  I'm all set with Steph when Charro leaves.  I'm not really sure what is going to happen while she's gone but if I lose weight, she will not be happy.  I just hope, and I've said this before, she doesn't have Steph weight me.  I really don't think she will.


Okay, I'm done writing on my table, I need to finish this post on my computer...

Much better....So I went to the dentist for a tooth I'm having issues with.  Well, I am having sensitivity to cold and hot.  She said she didn't see anything.  I said, "I can't wait until you spray that spot with the cold air...that will feel awesome!!  Well, she didn't spray it with the cold air, instead she sprayed some stuff on a cotton swab and swabbed me.  Let me tell you, that HURT LIKE NO OTHER!  Not only did she do it once, but twice.  AWESOME.  I almost jumped out of the chair, and it was instant eye watering.  The pain lasted for 45 minutes after that and she charged me 83 dollars for three minutes of her time.  Fantastic.  She gave me a prescription for toothpaste and said if it didn't get better in a few weeks to come back and she could fill it, but there was nothing there to fill.  Nice.  Just a warning, if you ever see an aerosol can and a cotton swab at your dentist...RUN...and RUN FAST!!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Contact has been made

I emailed Stephanie, my fill-in for Charro while she's on maternity leave.  She wrote back and told me the times she has available, now I just need to pick one.  She has Monday, Thurs. and Friday.  Monday is out because neither of those times will work for me.  Thursday I could go at any of the times she listed, but I'm thinking I'll take her last slot because then I can just got right to the gym from there, because it's only a few blocks from where I teach, which is really nice.  No sense in making that trek twice in one day.  Actually her office is almost 1.5 miles from me and the gym in only 1.1 miles away.  The only thing that I don't like is that I'll always be showing up in crappy gym clothes.  I don't know why that bothers me but it does.  She also has Friday available, but if I go in the morning, I'll have to do a lot of back and forth.  I'll go there, rush back, and rush up to school.  Unless I went straight to school from there, which I could do, but then I'd have to bring all my gear, so I guess not.  Okay, I'll guess I'll shoot for Thursday afternoon.  That seems to work the best.  I'll email her back later, or tomorrow, to see if we can do that.  If her last appointment is at 5 PM then it works out perfectly, if it's at 4 PM, then I will have time to kill before teaching which means that I'll just work out before hand. 

I was surprised she didn't say anything more to me in the email, like setting up a time to talk before Charro leaves, which I won't do anyway because I can't afford to pay for both of them at the same time.  She did mention that back in the Fall, because she said she wanted to go over my goals.  Here's my goal: Don't go backwards.  How's that for a goal?

It's going to suck when Charro is gone for 4 months, but at least I will be seeing someone good and not Kruger.  I really don't know what's going to happen during that time.  I'll be much more active because I'll be coaching again, so I'll be busier and have less time to eat and stuff.  Let's hope that she doesn't have Steph weigh me.  That would be awkward.  I'll have more gym time too, since I won't be seeing Charro in the mornings.  It always gets complicated during my seasons, as far as working out goes, but now I'll be able to fit it all in. :)

Speaking of working out, I have to get my gym clothes on so I can hit the treadmill.  I hope I feel like running when I get to the gym because I don't right now.

Stupid commercials

The Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, whatever weightloss company it is, commercial is SO annoying.  I'm talking about the one with the old "fat" her and the new "skinny" her.  Actually, they're all really annoying, but that one is the worst.  Also hate the Mariah Carey one, but I can't stand Mariah.  She makes me want to vomit.  Jennifer doesn't bother me, just the commercials.

Back to the real world today.  Blah!

Monday, January 02, 2012

Baby names and plants

I'm so glad that it's not even 9:30 PM yet and I'm tired enough to go to bed.  I need to get back to my normal schedule.  I've been going to bed late and sleeping late.  I slept until 9 AM on Sunday, which is the latest I've slept in a long time.  I didn't wake up until 8 AM today, which is late for me too.  I need to get back into the swing of things.

Charro told me what she and her husband are thinking of for a middle name for their daughter.  I think she only told me because I named this palm tree plant in her office "Cecil" (See-sul).  So, she told me they were thinking of Cecilie for a middle name.

I guess I'll get ready for bed.  Sleep is my friend.  Back to normal tomorrow.

No pita for me :(

I'm bracing myself for the really cold weather.  I like hot weather!.

I walked down to Charro's today and it wasn't bad.  My friend had called while I was at the gym to ask what I was up to.  She said she wanted to go shopping, so I invited her along on the 4 mile walk.  I told her that I had an appointment.  That was all I said.  Well, while we were walking she asked what my appointment was for and I said, nervously, "my the-rapist."  She said, "Body or mind?"  I said, "both!"  I said, "You want to come?"  (she finally realized that the guy she's been in love with for 7 yrs and only texts her twice a year for a booty call, well, that there's never going to be a relationship because he promised to spend NYE with her and then never got in touch with her, which I knew would be the case.  So, she's a little, or a lot, upset.)  She said, "No, I've been thinking about calling mine.  (she sees her once in a while).  Anyway, not the point, I felt so uncomfortable telling her where I was going, even though we are best friends, because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.  She has no clue that I have an ED either.  Charro really thinks that I should tell her about my ED but I can't even tell her that I go to therapy without getting nervous.  Oh well.  No need to tell her.

We were going to grab lunch at this pita place we both like and I mentioned this to Charro and then said, "I bet it's closed."  Well, we got there and it was.  Sad day. :(  I wanted my yummy pita.  I need to eat really healthy and light for a while.  Lots of veggies!!  I feel like I need to detox from Christmas.  Blah!  I like when I feel skinny and I wish I felt that way every minute.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Sunny 2012

It's a beautiful day today.  Sunny and warm and I should be outside running, but I don't want to go running.  I don't want to work out.  I really should.  I really should for two reasons, 1. because it's the last nice day of 2012 for a while, 2. because I need to work out.  That's about it.

I took my tree down.  It was brown inside. :(  A bit dead perhaps.  My apartment looks empty.  I will leave my other Christmas decorations up for a while longer.  Maybe I'll take them down next weekend.

I'm still watching Growing Pains.  My friend just called so we're going to go for a walk in the park.