Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Olympians bodies

I've been watching the Olympics, like much of the world, and here's what I've come up with.  I don't like swimmers' bodies or gymnasts' bodies.  Would I like to be as strong as those gymnasts are?  Absolutely!!  I do no like the way they look though.  I remember when I use to be a gymnast, I could do things on the bars that required some serious ab and upper bodies strength.  If I tried to do those things now, I'd fail miserably, which upsets me a little, but I'm not a gymnast anymore, and haven't been for 24 years, so I can't do those things.  Can I still do a back tuck or layout, yes, and that's cool, but that's because I have strong legs. 

I definitely do not like the swimmers bodies, mens' or womens'.  The mens' aren't too bad, but too skinny in the waist for me, too v-shaped, and the womens' bodies, just not the look I would want for myself.  I know this probably all sounds so horrible because these people are incredible athletes and to be elite you need to be strong, but I guess that's not for me.  I did like the field hockey players arms.  I was checking out their sticks too, to see what brand they're using.

So, that's how I feel about things.  I am enjoying watching these games. 

Feeling weird

I've been feeling weird all day.  I woke up feeling dizzy and have felt that way all day.   I looked up side effects of the anti-biotic I am taking and dizziness seems to be one of them.  Awesome.  I've pretty much felt yucky all day.  Then I got a headache too.  I'm totally not hungry, which I don't really have a problem with at all.  I could be pmsing too, but I really never know when that's going to happen so who knows.  I just hope that I am not dizzy everyday from this medicine.  I also hope it clears up my zit face.  :)

I'm going to dinner with my parents and then heading back to NYC.  The weather blows.  It's cloudy and cold, yet muggy.  I have to listen to my sesh when I get back and think about what I can talk to Charro about tomorrow.  I need to make it good.  I won't see her again until next Friday.  I'll have to put my thinking cap on.

Monday, July 30, 2012

There's a cute little bunny in my yard. 

I'm seeing Charro again on Wednesday since I'm heading out of town on Friday.  I can't decide if I should bring my computer with me or not, I kind of don't want to carry it, but I kind of can't live without it.  Yes, I'm addicted.

I kind of miss seeing Charro three times per week, but it's fine.  I guess it would be one thing if I was really actually trying to eat more and stuff, then I would probably need her.  She said my homework for Wednesday is to write down all the ways I can get out of my denial.  Hmm, if I knew how, wouldn't I do it?  I don't know.  If I'm in denial it means that I don't think that I have a problem so how can I find things wrong with something that I don't think is broken?  Make sense?

I need to get a lot of working out in because I'm not sure what my workouts are going to be like while I'm away.  Blah.  I hate the unknown.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Budha belly

I feel as though I have grown a baby in my belly.  Actually, I don't so much feel that way, I just look that way...and I don't enjoy it one bit.  I feel like I have fat rolls where I didn't use to have them.  I can't help but think it has to do with aging.  AH!  I haven't gained any weight, so it's not that, I think my weight is shifting or something.  Maybe I just need to run a lot more.

Speaking of running, I'm going to be away for 6 days, which means I'm going to have to figure out this whole workout thing.  I'm going to visit my brother and I can use the gym there for free, or I can try running in their area, but it's sort of confusing around there, not to mention the fact that it will be a million degrees and humid.  I'm going south baby, way south.

I haven't really been looking forward to this trip because I'm not a huge fan of my sister-in-law.  No one is a big fan of her, actually.  She's not the most pleasant person to be around, so it might make for a long trip.  I'll mostly spend time hanging with me nieces, so that will be fun.  I hope I don't have to play Barbies.

I got peed on the other day.  I was babysitting and she peed on me.  I'm not quite sure how I got wet but her outfit and her diaper didn't.  Hmm.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Lecture from the "skeevy guy"

I was heading out for my run and I ran into the skeevy guy who lives in my building.  (Too bad he's skeevy and old, because he's a decent looking man and have a gazillion dollars.  His money ain't going to do it for me, he needs to not be old and skeevy).  Anyway, he was like "You're too skinny.  I know you're petite and all, but you're too skinny.  You have nothing on you and guys like a little something."  He went on for about three minutes.  I was like "I eat stuff."  He goes, "No you don't, I had dinner with you once."  I said, "I eat little bits at a time, not big meals."  Whatevs, then I went running.  I guess it felt a little good since I feel sort of flubbery.  (Fat and blubbery)

Out before the fog lifts

I'm heading out for what will hopefully be a really good run before the fog lifts and the sun comes out.  I see the love handles hanging over my shorts, which makes me want to vomit.  I hate these shorts because the waisteband is tight and I'm use to having them loose.  Yuck, I hate that feeling.  I keep hoping that if I wear them more, they will loosen up, but I don't wear them enough because I hate wearing them because they're tight.  See the circle pattern there?  Exactly.  I also need to get rid of my stomach roll.  I'm not a fan of that one bit.  Other people don't see these rolls, but I do, I know they are there and I want them gone.

Ew, the smell of garlic is wafting in through my window.  Now I shall put my sneakers on and go run.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Another month

I told Charro I'd go until August 24th without weighing myself.  So, I've signed up to go another month.  It might be harder this time around because my schedule is going to be all crazy.  I'll be going away a few times and then I'm going to be pretty busy, which means less working out and eating things I might not normally eat.  We shall see how that all goes for me.

My sesh today was pretty lame.  I don't even know if I'll bother listening to it because I didn't have much to say at all.  She was probably bored out of her mind and thought it was a waste.  I told her I was going to make myself a nice dinner tonight and "challenge" myself. 

That's about it.  I was going to write more about something but I got sidetracked and can't remember.  Oh well.

1 month done

I did it.  I went one more (and 1 day) without weighing myself.  I don't feel like it's a big deal or some huge accomplishment.  It's really no big deal.  I did weigh myself first thing this morning and I was nervous.  I closed my eyes as I stood on the scale, when I opened them, I was pleasantly surprised.  :)  So yeah!  If I had gained weight, I would be on and off the scale until I lost the weight, but I didn't so I can go another month without weighing myself, if Charro says that I need to do that.  Speaking of Charro, I better get ready to go see her.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Tomorrow is the morning

I'd be lying if I said I don't really want to eat tonight because I'll be weighing myself in the morning.  Charro would tell me to "challenge" that thought.  Yeah yeah, I might just weigh myself again on Saturday just to see where things are two days in a row.  I'm sure she's going to want me to try for 2 months next, but I'm not really all that into it.  First of all, I'm going to freak if I gain weight. 

Here are my issues:
  • I refuse to gain weight, and am completely against gaining weight
  • I eat enough food to keep me full, but I won't eat foods that scare me and my portions are probably small, but it's enough food for m.
  • I may workout more than I should, meaning when I don't want to, and compulsively.
That might be it for now.  :)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

One more morning

One more wake up until I can weigh myself.  Ooh, I wonder what kind of emotions I'm going to be feeling on Friday morning.  Anxious?  Excited?  Scared?  I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I realized this morning I'm never going to get better, this is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life.  Obviously, that is my choice.  I have no desire to make any changes, so I guess this is it, at least for right now. 

I kind of want some chocolate but I'm chewing gum instead right now. That's about it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Ew, blood and guts and 3 more days til WIF

Yay, I got a new router and now my internet works. 

EW, I'm watcing NY Med...I can't stand the site of blood, guts and surgeries, so my guess is that I should turn it off.  My friend, who is a nurse and saw some of the taping of the show was telling about some of it.  I have nothing against Dr. Oz, but if you had your choice between a doctor who's performing heart surgeries every day or someone who does it once a month, who would you choose??  I woud go with the everyday doc, not Dr. Oz.

Two more morning until I can weigh myself.  Well, I guess it's more like 3 more.  I can't wait until Friday, it should be interesting.  Of course I'll be pissed it the number is bad and then Charro will have to deal with a not nice me.  Ugh, I guess that probably should tell me something about where I am with all of this.

Okay, Ew, they just had their hands inside this guy's stomach or chest.  I almost just threw up.  Ew, they are in his chest, literally.  I am not watching anymore.  Gross!! Oh, he died.  This is kind of interesting though.

Internet issues

I spent some time on the phone with Verizon today, only for them to tell me that they think my problem is a router problem.  Bummer, I'm hooked up to the internet old school right now.  I guess I should go buy a new router and see if that is in fact the problem.  Blah.

Oh well.  I guess I have nothing else to say.  I can weigh myself on Friday!!!!!!!!  I told Charro that I've never been so excited for WIF before, probably because I don't have to "make weight" and she's not the one doing the weighing.  We'll see what Friday brings.  I know she's going to ask me about it, and how much I weight.

Monday, July 23, 2012

I told Charro about my friend's sister.  She was saddened by that, I could tell.  I think it really hits her hard when someone dies from an ED.   She asked me if it made me think about things for myself, I said "no."  My reason, because "I'm not that bad."  She was visibly sick.  I know you don't have to be underweight to die from an ED, but most people (in my mind I guess) who die from them and are a "normal" weight, are bulimic.  Maybe it's something to discuss more with her, I don't know.  I do feel incredibly horrible for my friend and her family, I still can't believe that.  It's very sad, that's really all that I keep thinking.  I think it kind of shocked Charro a little bit that it didn't make me think about what I'm doing to myself.

We discussed other stuff, but I can't remember it at this time, something about her not thinking my ED has to do with body image but something to do with how I feel about myself and my life and she'd like delve into that.

As I suspected

So I found out more about my friend's sister through another high school friend.  Apparently she had been battling anorexia for a long time.  The obituary said that she "died unexpectedly at home," which leads me to believe that she had a heart attack.  I hope the family didn't witness that, although I'm guessing that they did.  I also found out that my friend just got out of rehab herself, for what, I'm not sure.  I did hear that she had a drinking problem, which lead to the end of her marriage, but that was a while ago and I'm not sure if there was any truth to that.  Who knows.  It's all very sad, and I fear for my friend who already has enough on her plate.  This is not going to be good for her.  She had a lot of issues in high school already, so I can't imagine what happened after high school.  That poor family. 

It hasn't made me think about my ED at all and what I may be doing to myself, because I'm not that bad so it's okay.

I'll be running to Charro's later.  I didn't get to work out this morning because I was babysitting, so I will run there.


Sunday, July 22, 2012

A friend's loss

My best friend from high schools younger sister died yesterday.  I haven't talked to my friend pretty much since high school, because she was a little off and didn't keep in touch with anyone.  We're FB friends, but she never responds to any messages I send her or that other high school friends send her.  Anyway, she and I were ED partners for those four years and we did everything together.  I miss having her around. 

Well, last night I saw on FB that she was going to miss her sister and she loved her, so I knew something happened.  I saw pictures of her sister and she looked pretty thin, so I wonder if she was anorexic and had a heart attack or something.  I probably shouldn't jump to any assumptions with that, because she may have been sick.  I messaged my friend, because she was online, and she actually responded.   I asked her what happened and she said that her sis had died.  I feel so bad for her and her family.   So sad.  I'm really curious to know what happened.  I might never know.  She did get a very severe concussion a few years ago which didn't leave her the same, so I wonder if that had something to do with it.  She had amnesia pretty badly, couldn't remember anything.  Concussions can cause depression and other mental problems.  So sad. 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Running head war

I started thinking I'd be okay if I didn't run today.  Let me rewind, I was up on my roof laying out and hoping that my friend would email me and tell me that she doesn't feel like running.  Now that I'm inside and sitting her half dressed ready to run, I'm thinking I hope she doesn't email me and tell me she doesn't want to run.  Here's the problem, I dont' reallky want to run, but I'm freaking out a little bit and feel like I need to run.  I just feel like I need to move and get some exercise, even though we're going for a little walk in a bit (only 2.5 miles to do some errands).  I definitely need to get out there and run, and I don't need her to do it, but it's just more fun that way.  I started off the day thinking that if I didn't work out it would be okay, because I worked out every day this week, now that's changed and I don't know why.  I hate the war in my head sometimes.

Good, we're going running.  I need it.

Not so normal, normal cats

I'm feeling less pregnant this morning, after cleaning out my system a bit.  Much better.  I don't feel like running today, and technically I could take the day off since I worked out every day this week, but I made plans to run with my friend later, so that way I'm forced to do it.  It will be a good run because we're the same speed.

My cats are all back to  normal.  I don't even know if I wrote about it.  I had to bring the little guy home on Tuesday night because he was acting weird and was in pain.  He ended up being fine the next day, thank God, and now we're back in NYC.  My little girl was no so happy that she had to stay here alone, hence the poop on my floor, and she proceeded to hiss at her brother for a few days.  Ugh, he just did a stinker.  So, everyone seems to be cordial again.  I'm so happy that is okay.  The vet said that his IV fluids, which I had given him the night before, probably settled in that spot causing cellulitis and that's what he was in pain and didn't feel well.  Poor buddy.

I need to brush me teeth, after I eat some cherries.

Friday, July 20, 2012

No small talk

I feel like I'm 72 months pregnant and I don't like it.  Blah!! 

I have no plans this weekend and it feels great.  I feel like I've been running around forever so it will be nice to just hit my roof and lay out all day.  I'll go for a run too, and that's about it.  Hopefully I won't feel 72 months pregnant tomorrow, that would be a nice thing.

Charro said that she doesn't like small talk at parties because she's shy.  I found that interesting.  I am trying to picture her at a party but I can't really do it.

I think I'm sleepy.

One week til my WIF

I woke up to the news about Colorado.  How horrific.  It's scary that you're not safe anywhere.  People are crazy.  My hearts go out to those people.

It's cold her rainy here today, a huge change from Wednesday when it was so humid and over 100 degrees.  I had a good sesh with Charro this morning.  I told her that my cat and I are having WIF next week because I'm afraid that she has lost weight.  So, we shall both get weighed by me!  I wonder what I'll weigh, if there's been any change.  Hmm...

It's nice to have Charro back...and not have to get weighed anymore! :)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Poop and eggs everywhere

Wow, it was a crazy few days.  I ended up taking my cat home Tuesday night because he wasn't acting right.  He was clearly not feeling well so I brought him home with.  When we got home he perked up a little and by the next morning he was back to normal so I didn't have to bring him to the vet.  Luckily I'm friends with my vet so I texted her when I was freaking out Tuesday night.

I just got home (NY) with him and my other cat had pooped everywhere.  I stepped in it and it was stuck to my foot.  Gross.  Then I went to make eggs and I cracked it open and it was bad so I didn't want it going in my pan, so it got everywhere.  I was going to throw away another egg yolk and I dropped the thing all over my floor.  I'm off to a good start here. 

So the Stephanie look alike is not here.  I checked last week when I was at the gym.  I still think she lives in my building though.

I see Charro tomorrow, which will be good.  Next Friday I get to weigh myself.  YAYAY!!!!  I hope it's good.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Disordered dinner

My dinner was a little bit disordered, or a lot, I guess, but at least I know that, so that's good, right?  Well, if I know it, I should probably do something about it, so I guess it's not that good and it doesn't matter that I'm aware of it.

New flip flops came.  Yay.  Maybe I can have happy feet now. :)

I'd like to weigh myself.  I knew that desire would come back eventually, although that was rather quick.

Gym or Park?

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work out.  I guess it's more than just sometimes that I wish that.  Today is one of those days.  I guess I have those days a few times a week, which probably means something.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I should run inside our outside.  Inside it boring but there's air conditioning, outside is less boring, but it's pretty hot out today.  Okay, maybe I'll run inside.  Let's face it, or "call a spade a spade," as Charro would say, I just don't want to run.  Attitude change right now, I DO want to run!! :)

My feet still hurt.  My new flops will arrive tomorrow. :)  Happy feet will begin.  I need a foot massage.

I'm pretty okay with the not weighing thing right now.  Of course I'll be so excited when I can hop on that scale next Friday, let's just hope the number is good.  I kind of feel like I don't need the scale.  WHAT??  Did I just say that?  I'm sure that will change in 4 minutes.

I guess I should get dressed and eat breakfast.  I'm not hungry.  I hate eating breakfast when I'm not hungry.

Monday, July 16, 2012

The "what ifs?"

Today I went into Charro with a list of "What ifs," and I think she liked that.

What if I never want to change?
What if I want to but I can't do it on my own (with Charro)?
What if I can't sit down and eat what I'm supposed to?
What if I am fine the way I am and I don't need to do anything because I don't starve myself?

So we had good discussions.  She really wants me to talk to my parents because they could help me be accountable and stuff.  There are two reasons why I don't want to, one, because then I'd actually have to do something to change, and two, because then I'd have to talk to them about it and then they'd think it's bad and stuff, and it's not.  As I said, "Then they'd think I have a problem."  Charro responded with, "YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM!!" 

This will be a good sesh to listen to.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I can't fight this feeling anymore

I'm feeling incredibly fat and full from my lunch.  I'm supposed to go out to dinner with a friend in 30 minutes, but luckily for me, she's not hungry either.  So, we decided against dinner and may just go get dessert.  So, yay for me for not having to eat dinner when I'm not hungry and feeling like I'm 1000 pounds. 

I'd like to weigh myself, but I can't.  Well, no one is holding a gun to my head, so I could, but I would feel incredibly guilty for breaking my promise to Charro, so I won't.  Blah, I just hate this feeling.

So, that song just popped into my head by REO Speedwagon, I think.

No sense of accomplishment

I go back and forth between thinking that I've gained weight and that I haven't gained weight.  This morning I'm on the positive side...thinking I haven't gained weight.  Last night, it was the opposite.  12 more day until I can weigh myself.  I guess I'm more than halfway there.  It's not all that painful, but I did tell Charro that I don't really have any desire to do this again and try and "beat" my record.  I said, "If I held my breath under water for 45 seconds, I'd want to try for 50, but I don't really have any desire to try not weighing myself for 2 months.  That does nothing for me."  Then of course, she came back with the "Then what do you want to do here?"  I get the question pretty much every week and I don't have an answer.  All I said this time was "I'm doing it."  I just don't feel any sense of accomplishment by not weighing myself.  I'm not going to be like "Ooh, I didn't weigh myself for a month."  I'm not feeling that at all.  I'm a competitor and this isn't really a competition for me so I don't feel like it's worth doing again.  I'm sure it's good for me, but I don't really think it makes a difference because I think I'm always going to weigh myself.

My feet still kill. I need a massage!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

R, R, R

Running!  Rollerblading!  Rest!

That's what I am doing/have done today.  Throw in a little vacuuming and cleaning on top of that too.  I ran this morning, took a 20 minute nap, and now I'm going rollerblading with a friend.  Yay for exercise.

I was a little disordered last night.  I went to dinner with friends but I didn't get anything.  I can explain.  I got a crepe about an hour before we got to the restaurant because I wanted one, therefore I didn't want dinner.  Also, I didn't like anything on the menu either.  So, I wasn't all that disordered in my eyes, but in Charro's eyes that would have been very disordered.  Oh well.  I want to weigh myself.

I need to put my blades on.

Friday, July 13, 2012

I miss it :(

I really miss being an athlete.  I mean like a division 1, hard core athlete.  I was just looking through a field hockey catalog, and the arms and  bodies are these girls are amazing.  I miss being that physically fit.  I'm never going to look or feel like that again because I don't have people pushing me to do so.  It makes me sad. :(

New Reefs

I just ordered new Reef Fanning flip flops.  They are the most comfortable flops in the world.  They're not cheap.  They sell for $50, but I found them online for $27, so I am quite happy because I refuse to spend that kind of money on flip flops.  I would just keep wearing the ones I bought last year, but my feet are killing me.  I think I wore them out.  I literally wear them all summer long and walk miles and miles in them, so I'm guessing they're shot.  I know once my feet start hurting it's time for a new pair.  I shouldn't be buying anything, but I need my feet to be happy, so I needed to get them for my foot health.

I kind of felt like I didn't know what to talk about with Charro today, yet I sort of felt like I had a lot in my head.  I told her that I don't think I have the capability to "change."  I said, "What if I can't do it?"  She seems to think I can, but it will obviously get harder the longer I wait...as if 20 years wasn't long enough to wait.  I said, "Maybe I have a problem."  She said, "You have a big problem!"  I said, "A 'big' problem, not a little one?"  She said, "No, it's a big one."  Um, okay.  She said that an another option, instead of residential, would be to tell everyone around me so they could make sure I do things that I'm supposed to do.  (She did NOT suggest residential for my, by the way).

She always tells me that I need to talk to my parents about the comments they make about other people.  Yesterday there was a thing on tanning addictions on TV and my mom said, "She needs to stop worrying about being tan and maybe worry about losing weight.  She has a good 25 pounds extra on her."  Of course Charro was like, "She did not say that!"  I said, "Yes she did."  They (parents) always make comments about people and I just brush them off with am "I don't think so" or "I don't know."  So, we'll see, I'm not really good at talking and I don't think the comments effect me, although Charro disagrees.

Charro said something funny in regards to this.  She said something like, "Why don't you say to your parents, what the fuck are you talking about?"  Ha. I said, "Because my mom would have a heart attack if she ever heard me swear."  She goes, "Really?"  I said, "Yes."  Ha!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

A flurry of dreams

I've had a flurry of ED related dreams this week.  I wonder what that's about?  Last night I dreamt I had to go see a nutritionist.  I got to the place and she was really nice.  I went back the next day and the receptionist remembered me because I was so smiley and friendly.  I was like, "I guess I have a memorable face, though I'm not sure if that's good or bad."  She said, "You're just so friendly."  However, she told me that I had to go to another building down the street for my appointment, which was odd.  I got there and it was a huge waiting room filled with a gazillion people.  You would have thought they were giving away money the way that place was filled.  It was like the DMV.  I was standing there waiting and I kept seeing people I went to high school with.  I didn't want them to see me so I was trying to hide.  There were a ton of different doctors in there so it's not like the people would have known I was going to see a nutritionist, but still, I didn't want them to see me.  At one point I was sitting next to my friend and I had a little container of food with me that I had taken like 2 bites from and didn't want anymore.  I was afraid the nutritionist was going to make me eat more of it. 

I don't remember anything else, I woke up.

I'm sure Charro will have something to say about all of these dreams that I've been having.  That makes three since Monday.  Hmm...we'll see what she has to say.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I hate "weighting"

It's been almost two weeks since I've weighed myself.  I have to "weight" another 16 days.  Ugh.  I hate waiting, I'm a very impatient person. 

My legs are a little tired and my feet are sore.  I don't know why my feet are sore, most likely from walking all over the place in my flip flips, not the best idea, but they're Reefs and they're so comfy.  I guess it's a good thing I'm not working out today because I did a lot the past two days and I'll be doing a double workout tomorrow, so it's okay.  Charro would not approve.

I really just need a foot massage right now.

Oh, so this is ironic, I got interviewed by a TV station last night about fitness and body image.  HA!  I actually knew the reporter and ran into her on the street while I was coming back from, of all things, working out.  She was like "Perfect, can I ask you guys some questions?"  It was about fitness magazine covers and how they make us feel.  Kind of ironic.  I'll see how the piece turns out and hopefully I didn't sound too stupid.  One of my friends was like "She (me) can talk" and the reporter goes, "I know she can talk."  Ha.  The story gets crazier, I ran into this reporter about 2 months ago after having not seen her for about 8 yrs.  I initially met her 20 yrs ago.  Crazy, right?  So nuts.

Breakfast time.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The scary shake

I had a dream that I weighed myself when I wasn't supposed to, but wasn't even aware that I was doing it until after the fact.  It was just habit, I got on the scale and got off and then remembered that I wasn't supposed to do that. 

I'm not sure if this was the same dream or not, but I had a dream I was hiding from Charro.  I was downstairs in some building, not sure what kind of building it was, and I was hiding from her because she was going to make me eat.  I tried hiding behind a door but she found me.  She was like "Come on, let's go.  It's time for your shake."  We had to go into the kitchen and make a protein shake.  She poured a large amount of milk into the blender and I didn't see her do that until I went to go put the water in there.  So, I saw it and started to take a little out while she wasn't looking.  I looked at the milk container to see if it was skim milk, but it wasn't, it was reduced fat.  So I said to her, "That's too much milk.  It's going to make it taste bad, can we take some out?"  She took a little out and then put the water and ice in.  I was looking at the protein powder to find the smallest scoop.  I found a really tiny one and was going to use that one.  I didn't want to drink the shake.  Then I woke up.  (This is the shake that I have, which actually doesn't even have a lot of calories, so I don't know why I was so scared of it in my dream.  Oh, because she was adding more calories with the milk and stuff).

Another Charro dream to add to the books.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Back from my day

I'm back from all my activities and my sesh with Charro.  I ended walking to get to her from where I was, which I barely had time to do, but I did it and I made it.  I don't think I have to move for the rest of the day.  I worked out, sort of played softball, and walked 3 miles carrying my softball equipment.  I think that might be enough for the day.

I haven't had lunch yet, but I'm not really hungry.  I guess I should.

My sesh with Charro was good.  I told her that I might have become a little scared of pasta since I haven't eaten it in over a month.  I didn't avoid it because I was afraid of it or anything, I just haven't been in the mood for it so I haven't had it.  Tomorrow, I'm going to an Italian restaurant so I guess that will be the real test.  Charro told me that I should eat it a few time this week, but that's not going to happen.  It's not something I want to eat all the time unless I want it, so I don't feel the need to force it upon me, although I see why she wants me to.

Charro thinks my not weighing thing is bringing out more discussions, but I don't know.  I said, "Think how much we could get done if I saw you everyday."  She said,"Imagine me behind you on the couch doing analysis five days a week."  I said, "Well that's not going to happen so I guess I don't need to imagine it."

I need to clean my apartment.  THE CLOSER tonight!! Love that show.

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Lots to do

I fear that this might be a week full of eating.  I may be going out to eat a lot because my friend's ex has a million restaurants in the city and when he's out of town, she likes to go eat at them, and we eat for free.  So, she told me that we could go to all of them this week.  Ugh, it's nice, but it's a lot.  I actually haven't had Italian food in over a month, not for any reason than the fact that I haven't wanted it.  I haven't craved it at all, which is weird.  Maybe it's because it's hot out, I don't know, but I haven't had it and I'm afraid that if I eat it once, I'm going to want it again.  I don't have a problem with Italian food, but I'm wondering if my body just doesn't want it anymore because it hasn't had it, and if that's the case, I'm fine with not eating it because maybe that's better for me?   I don't really know what I'm talking about.  I guess I sort of don't want to eat it because I don't want to want it.

Today I have a food party to go to and my friend, who is also going, suggested that we could all go to dinner at the restaurant tonight.  I was like, "But we're going to be eating so we won't be hungry."  I think she's lonely.  She's older and likes hanging around with us youngings.

Tomorrow, my day is screwy, which is messing me up a bit.  I would either run or walk to Charro's but I'm playing softball before I see her, so I can't run or walk there.  I'm going to have to leave the game a little early to get there and I have to figure out how I'm getting from point A to point B.  I'm not sure where the subway is.  Maybe I'll have time to walk there, I'm not sure, I have to map it out.  I can leave 45 minutes before I see her and see if that allows me enough time to get to her.  So, I need to workout early so I can be ready to leave my apartment by 9:30 AM, maybe earlier because I don't really know where the field is. I also have a conference call at 10 AM, so I'll have to take the bus so I can talk while in transit.  Geez, busy busy.  Ha.  I hope the people on this softball team are cool.  This will be my first game.  I thought about just going for a run after I see Charro, but I have people coming over so I have to prepare for that.

I guess I should get up and going, lots to do.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

Why are easy decisions so hard sometimes?

I don't know why, but I was having the hardest time making a not so difficult decision last night.  It was annoying, do I stay in NY or go home to swim?  It was driving me insane.  I even whipped out a pros and cons lists when I was with Charro yesterday.  Main thing is, I don't feel like making that commute again.  I don't know why it was stressing me out so much.  I'm not going home, I'm not staying her, I'm going to a friends partway between here and home.

I slept like crap.  I want to weigh myself.  I need to get dressed and go to the gym and burn some calories.  I need to eat my sticks so I can go to the gym.  There was no way that I could take today off from the gym because I didn't work out yesterday.  I walked about 7 miles yesterday, but that doesn't count.  If I went home today, I wouldn't have worked out, which also played a role in m decision to not go home.

Why does it feel like my air is not even on.  It's hot in here. 

Friday, July 06, 2012

Really, 3 more weeks?

Three more weeks until I can weigh myself.  What?  That's a long time people!!  Charro is confident that I can do it, but I don't know.  I saw my huge roll of fat last night while I was teaching aerobics and it wasn't pretty.  I can't wear that shirt again.  She said that it's my imagination but I insisted that it wasn't and that I could show it to her if I wasn't embarrassed.

I walked all over the place today, about 7 miles, and my piggies are tired.  Wait, I'm tired!!  I need to shower.  I thought about going running or rollerblading this afternoon but there is no way that that is going to happen.  I can't believe I had that thought.  My legs are tired and it's 91 degrees out.  I need a cat nap.

I don't know what to do tomorrow, stay her or go home and sit in my pool all day.  I wish I could just make a decision.  I don't want to spend 4 hours commuting and 20 dollars on the train. 

I think dinner should consist of a protein shake.  Oh wait, I have leftover chicken that I need to eat, never mind.

I don't know how I'm really not supposed to weigh myself for another three weeks.  That is completely nuts.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Slight heart attack

So I totally thought I saw Stephanie at my gym again today.  I know it was the same girl who I saw last time and thought was her, but it just looks JUST like her.  I am still not convinced that it wasn't her.  I walked into the aerobics room and she was on the treadmill right outside the room.  I wanted to stare at her to see if it was her, but I couldn't.  She has the same body type and red hair, just like Stephanie.  Crazy.  I wonder if I'll see this girl again next week.

Crap, I'm really sleepy.

I'm going to lose my mind and punch things

Three summers of having an AC that didn't work and they finally put in a new one in September last year.  Well, it does NOT make my apartment cool at all.  I have it set at 72 and it's doesn't get cooler than 82 in here.  Fucking pissed.  So this morning my friend set it at 64 to see what it was like when I got home today.  Well, it's still fucking 82 degrees in here and I am going to fucking lose my mind.  I am so pissed.  WTF?   It's blowing out cold air, why the hell won't it cool off my apartment.  I have every blind closed so the sun doesn't beat in here but it doesn't matter.  I'm sweating.  I actually might lose my mind tonight.  I need to punch something NOW.

I also really want to weigh myself!!!

Garbage Pail Kids

I found all of my Garbage Pail Kids today.  That made be very happy.  What might have made me even happier was finding all of my jelly bracelets.  Woo hoo!!  I loved my 80's stuff.  I am not getting rid of either of those things, that's for sure!

I have to head back to the city today, just as it gets hotter out.  Oh well, not sure what I'm going to do all weekend, but I'll figure it out.

I want to weigh myself and waiting another 22 days seems like a very long time.  I don't want to wish summer away, but I want to weigh myself.  Hmm, Charro tomorrow, we'll see what happens.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

It's Independence Day

Happy Independence Day.

Of course I feel like I'm 4,924 pounds, but that's not shocking at all.  Too bad I promised Charro I wouldn't weigh myself.  I think I need to go on a hunger strike for a while.  Maybe I should tell Charro that.

Today was a very nice day, weatherwise and picnic-wise.  I needed my nephews around to run around with because I was all hyper and needed to play tonight, but they weren't around.

I've been sidetracked and can no longer write because I don't know what I was going to say. 

The end.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Fat stomach, hydration, and zits

I almost weighed myself when I got home, out of habit.  I didn't, but I wanted to because I feel like I'm 8 months pregnant.  That might have something to do with the fact that I've been pmsing for over a week.  I'll probably get it tomorrow because it likes to come on holidays and make my holidays not as enjoyable.  Blah.

I emailed Charro and told her that I wanted to weigh myself.  I really would just like to grab hold of my stomach and rip off all of the fat.  That's a nice image, isn't it?

I'm so thirsty from playing field hockey.  I got a nice sweat in, which I love.  I love running around out there.  It's way more fun than just running without a purpose.  Give me a stick and a ball and I'm good to go!  I'm trying to drink a lot of water, which means I'll be peeing all night.

Tomorrow I need to go to Walmart and get sunscreen for my face because it's breaking out like crazy, and has been since my trip.  I guess putting kids thick sunscreen on it wasn't the best idea.

Home for the Fourth

I'm heading home for the Fourth.  Not much planned, except for a cookout with some friends.  I just partake in the s'mores and then feel completely disgusting after.  They eat hot dogs and burgers, but since I don't eat meat, I just got for the s'mores.

So it's July 3 which means I can weigh myself in 24 days.  That's the longest I'll ever have gone.  Blah.  We'll see if it happens.  I promised Charro, so it has to happen.  She told me to email her if I felt like I needed to weigh myself.  We'll see how it goes.  I told her that I'll want to weigh myself after eating a million s'mores because I'll feel gross.

Oooh, the Bachelorette...I do not watch it, but I just saw it on Good Morning America...so crazy.  I'm not into those shows.

I hope I don't bust my ankle on the field hockey ball again tonight.  It's still sore from last week, but it's fine.

Monday, July 02, 2012

A run to Charro

I had a good sesh with Charro today.  I don't feel like we really discussed much, but we sort of came up with some stuff at the same time.  I can't really figure it out.  I promised her that I wouldn't weigh myself until July 27th.  That's a month from last Thursday when I went to the doctor and got weighed.  She said she'd give me a present if I got rid of my scale.  I said, "What if you give me a stick?"  I'm not going down that road yet.  I thought it was funny that she said she'd get me a present.  Ha.  I said, "What if you got me gelato?  That would be the anti-present."  :)

I told her that I feel fat and need to work out more and she obviously disagreed with that.  I don't remember what else we talked about. 

My run there was good.  My heart rate was 185 at some points.

AC off, run on.

I was going to hit the gym this morning but I just decided that I'd run to Charro's instead.  It's nice out, not humid, so I'll do that.  I actually end up working out less by running there because now I'm not going to the gym and walking there, I'm just running there. 

I was finally able to turn my AC off, at least for today.  I'm afraid of what my bill is going to be last month and this month.  It won't be pretty.

Is any really surprised that Tom and Katie are getting a divorce??  Um, we all know that he's gay, first of all.  Second of all, he's crazy.  I've heard from many insiders that it was a contract marraige so people would think he was straight so he can keep his image.  She probably thought it was going to boost her career too, which I'm not quite sure it did.  The news keeps saying that this is "shocking."  I think it's anything but shocking.  That's my pop culture for the day.

I guess I should do some work now.  I also need to figure out what I want to talk to Charro about today.  I usually do that on my walk down there so I guess I'll do that on my run down there.

Sunday, July 01, 2012


So, I've been talking to this guy and we've sort of gone out twice, but he's really bad at planning, apparently, because last time he texted me 2 hours before he wanted to go out.  I got very annoyed.  So, we're supposed to go out tonight, but it's after 1 PM and I haven't heard from him, so I'm thinking that I just don't go because in my mind, if you want to go out on a date with someone, you plan at least a day before hand, not a few hours.  Maybe I just won't answer the phone when he calls.  It's just not acceptable to plan a date, especially if you've never really gone out on a real date with the guy, a few hours before he wants to go out.  He's nice and all, but comes with a ton of baggage, so maybe I'll just let it go to voice mail.  I'm going out with friends this afternoon so I'm not going to answer if he calls me while I'm out.  If anyone is actually reading this and has thoughts on proper date etiquette, I'd love you to chime in and tell me if I'm out of line.  I'm old fashion.

Another slow moving Sunday

I need to get up and get dressed, but I don't feel like it.  I have to, so that's not an option.  Maybe no one will show up to class, but I doubt that.  People are either not working out because it's too hot, or working out inside because it's too hot to go outside.

I have to change my sheets, which is hard when you have cats because they want to keep jumping up there while you're trying to change the sheets and then they get under them when you're putting them on.  It is cute though.

I think I have a headache, could be from drowning myself in bleach while I was cleaning my tub this morning.  Maybe I should take something before it gets worse.

I cut up a pineapple but I think it was bad so I tossed it.  Sad day.

I really need to start kicking my workouts into gear.  I'm not happy with the way my stomach looks so I need to start running more.  It's hard to run more when it's 100 degrees out.  I can run on the treadmill if there's a good show on because  my music doesn't cut it, I get bored.  I want a six pack and a six pack I shall have!!

Guess I should get moving now.