Saturday, June 30, 2012

Wiped out

I'm wiped.  I will be going to bed very shortly.  I didn't eat dinner.  I probably should have but I wasn't home and I had a snack on the train and then when I got home I wasn't all that hungry.  I'm a little hungry now, but way too tired to do anything about that.

I ran outside this morning and it was quite steamy.  It was good though, got a good sweat.  I was outside all day, which is why I'm wiped now.  I think my eyes will be closed before I even hit the pillow.

I feel fat and bloated, but that's the way it goes.

Sleepy time!

Friday, June 29, 2012

No ballet for you!

My cat thought it would be fun to claw at me all night so I would wake up and pet him.  I, however, was not amused, but I do love him.  He just missed me because I left them for a few days.  He decided to beat up on his sister this morning too, not cool.

So Charro and I were discussing something the other day, can't remember what, but she said, "I will not let my daughter do ballet if she wants to.  I know now everyone who takes ballet develops an eating disorder, but I don't want to put her in that environment, so I will not let her do it."  I thought that was interesting, for her to share that with me.  It kind of let me see how she thinks as a mother.

Is it nap time yet?

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Family time

I spent a few days with my brother and my nieces, whom I love dearly because they're so stinking cute.  I don't get to see them much so I hung out with them and my nephews too.  Back to reality now, which is still pretty good.

So I just looked out my window and saw a blimp.  I was talking to my friend and said, "There's a big blimp outside my window.  You don't hear that too often."  Ha!  It was funny to me.

I just ate cherries and want more but I can't eat more or it might get ugly.  I have to get my butt in gear now.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

This is really weird dream

I had the ultimate crazy dream last night.  First I was working at the TV station I use to work at and left because I was miserable there.  There's more to it but it's not important.  Then I was in college and two people, a male and female who somehow worked for the school, were trying to force me to take a leave of absense because of my ED.  They came into my dorm room and were asking me these questions that they had on a sheet of paper.  They were very in depth questions and I was not having anything to do with them.  At one point one of them said, "We're supposed to weigh you but I don't think that's such a good idea."  I was like, "Go ahead, weigh me.  You'll see that I'm fine!"  I was so pissed and not happy.  The questions went on for a while, but then I somehow escaped and my friend T. and I went for a run.  I was telling her what was going on and she was trying to convince me that maybe it's not such a bad thing.  We were hiding from these people and went into some weird store across where people were allowed to walk around topless.  No one was, but she was determined to do it, so she crossed the border where you were allowed to be topless, took her top off, and took a picture, then came back and was like "I did it."  I was like "okay, let's go."  So we went out to finish our run and she was still trying to convince me that it might be a good idea to go into treatment and I was trying to tell her that I really am fine, but she wouldn't believe me.  So, I sprinted ahead of her to get away and ended up at a men's softball game.  I watched for a second and then grabbed a pole that was on the side there, then hopped on a shuttle bus because I thought it would take me back to where I needed to be.  I didn't want to run carrying the pole, which turned out to be a pole to hold up a net on a tennis court.  I asked some kid if he could take it back to the field because I realized that it belonged there and he said he would.  So, I was able to get back to my parents place but didn't have a key to get in or the code because it was a gated community.  I did finally get in.

Then, I was at my house where I grew up and Rachael Ray was here and we were doing something for her show.  Then we just were hanging out in the basement, chatting.  I noticed cat puke all over the carpet so I got some paper towels so she wouldn't step in it.  I said, "You must be hungry, you haven't eaten all day."  She said, "I am!"  So I went upstairs and got her some food.  My parents and my brother were up here making things.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I had a near ankle bust today, but I made it out alive. ;)  I stepped on the field hockey ball about 2 minutes into playing and rolled my ankle, but it's fine.  It hurt a little for a second, and scared me more than anything, but I'm good to go.

I haven't been weighing myself much.  I'll get weighed at the doctor on Thursday.  Hopefully it will be a good number. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Always the same question

I just got back from a date.  It was good.  This is my second time seeing him.  I'm tired and full.

My sesh with Charro which is pretty lame, not much to report.  She keeps asking me what it is that I want to work on and I don't have an answer for her.  I told her that I don't think it's possible to ever be normal though.  I think we're going to discuss that next time.  I said, "Why would I work towards something that I don't think is possible?" 

I'm leaving my kitties again tomorrow and they're not going to be happy.  I feel bad leaving them.  They're going to be sad when I leave them next week too.  Poor babies. :(

Sunday, June 24, 2012


My friend and I were going to walk across the park today but we were both dead tired for some reason.  We made it a few blocks and decided to go to a bar and watch the soccer game instead.  We had time to kill so we went and bought nail polish at Rite Aid.  I hopped on the blood pressure machine in there too.  I don't know how accurate those things are, my guess is that they're not that accurate, but my BP was 94/47.  That might be a bit low, eh? 

I got a cool color and painted my toes.  I my fingers too, not a color I would usually use on my hands, but I did them green! :)  I'm not sure about them but I'll keep them for now.  It looked great on my toes, but fingers are different.  I have a date tomorrow, I'm sure he'll find them interesting.

Slow moving Sunday

Oh dear, I just looked up at the TV and saw the anchor woman's's a bit scary looking.  I don't think one would be able to get a brush through it.

Anyway, I don't feel like teaching this morning, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. 

It's so beautiful out today, I don't know what to do after class.  My roof is closed, so that put a real damper on my summer relaxation.  I have a groupon for a sailing trip around the city and today would have been a great day to do that, but not everyone can make it today.  I freaking LOVE summer!!!!!!!!!!  LOVE IT!!

I've had a knot in my calf for over 2 weeks, I don't think that is normal.  Whatever, it will eventually go away, I guess.

I should probably start getting dressed and stuff.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I want to throw

I'm not sure why, but I ate a couple bites of something and now I feel like I could throw.  Whatever it was, my stomach did not like it too much.  Blah!!  Maybe I should stop drinking water, that might help.

Completely unrelated, my stomach looks like it's 10 months pregnant.  That I am not fond of either.  I need to start taking my workouts up about 4 notches.  I'd run tomorrow but I'm home and I don't have my running sneakers, so I'll have to do the elliptical.  I have my Nike running shoes, but my foot injury has banned me from wearing Nikes.  I guess I could try it, maybe.

I'm chilling with my lovely nieces.  I love these little girls.  The little one just said, "We can have a big sleepover in your room."  So cute.  Time to play with them.  Hopefully I won't puke on anyone, it seems to be subsiding.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Dreaming cats

My cats were having dreams today, both were twitching and stuff during their deep sleeps.  I wonder what cats dream about?  Chasing mice?

I have love handles and I do not like them.  I need to work on them...and getting rid of them.  It's sort of bothering me a little, but maybe I'm just antsy because I'm bored, I don't know.

I got hot pink nail polish in my hair.  Whoops, that's a bit of a problem.  I'm not taking nailpolish remover to it.  That will strip my hair.

Maybe I'll go to the gym early tonight, since I'm bored.  Why not, I didn't do anything today so I could use the extra workout.  I guess I should get dressed if that's what I'm going to do.

That's not a lot at all

Yesterday I said to Charro, "It would be interesting to see if I could eat exactly what you eat in one day.  I don't think you eat a lot."  She said, "I do."  I still disagree with that.  Here's what she ate the other day.

Breakfast wrap -avocado, beans, eggs, salsa
Lunch- rice and veggie situation
Dinner - Crepe with prosciutto, spinach, tomatoes, mozzarella
10 PM her "new favorite snack" - Plain yogurt with chocolate chips in it.
Gretzels (Graham crackers in the shape of pretzels.  Never heard of them)

I don't think that's a lot of food at all, nor do I think it was 2,000 calories, like she tells me I have to have.  No wonder why she's thin.

Hmm, should I do laundry today??

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Emails are easy

I sent Charro an email a little bit ago telling her how I feel like we might get more accomplished now that we're not focusing on my weight all the time and I'm not getting weighed.  I told her that avoiding the weighing, and weight talk, is not my way of trying to get away with weighing less, or what not.  I told her that I feel like it's opened up our dialogue and that we're able to have decent, relevant discussions without me having to find one thing to focus on.  (She keeps asking me what it is that I want to work on).  I told her that I don't think I need to find one thing, but to just keep going in there and talking is good.  Hopefully my email made sense and she'll agree with what I had to say.  I'm not seeing her again until Monday, which is why I wrote it and sent it, because I know come Monday, I won't have it in my head to say.  I don't think she'll respond, but she'll probably want to discuss it when I see her on Monday.

I need to go buy lemons so I can make some more lemonade for when my friend comes over tonight.

Time for the AC

It's a steamer out there today.  I walked to see Charro and then walked to the park to meet a friend.  We walked around the park for a while and then I walked home.  My walk home was the slowest walk ever.  I was dripping sweat and my legs were tired.  I had a guy with a hose rinse my feet off for me.  I came home, hopped right in the shower, and then made a frozen lemonade with strawberries.  So refreshing.  I think I'll have to turn on my AC soon, probably better do it before it gets too hot in here.

My sesh with Charro was good.  Maybe this whole not weighing me thing helps me talk more, I don't know.  I feel like I'm more focused on trying to figure things out than I am worrying about getting weighed, which is a good thing.  I'll have to tell her that.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Crapbag, I was supposed to write things down for Charro and I haven't done that yet.  I need to do that tonight when I get home.  Let's see if I really do it though, maybe I can just go in without having written things downs.

My stomach feels gross but it's probably because I've been eating a lot of things that probably aren't the best for my colitis.  Cherries, cabbage, escarole and beans.  Yeah, but whatever, I feel fine for the most part.

I need to get ready for some field hockey.  I did end up going to the gym for a little bit.

A lack of motivation

I have absolutely no desire or motivation to work out this morning.  I was planning on going for a run, but I'm so not feeling it.  Maybe I will later, or maybe I'll just hit up the gym later.  I'm playing field hockey later, but I still need to work out, even if it's a short work out.  My legs are tired, but I'm not really sure why.  I worked out yesterday morning and then walked about 4 miles, but that shouldn't have made my legs tired.  Oh well.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Blog question answered

So I asked Charro if she reads Johanna McShane's blog and she said "No," but she knows her and knows that blog is called "Why she feels fat."  I didn't think she'd spend time reading ED stuff, just from what I know about her, but it's really good to know that she didn't read it and didn't read the comments.

We also concluded that there is a serious disconnect, or as I put it a "major disconnect" with me because I really don't feel like this ED is much of a problem.  (maybe because it's so much more less of a problem than it use to be).  She said, "Or a psychotic episode."  I laugh when seh says that.  We're going to discuss that more on Wednesday.

That's it for now.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Same dream theme

So I had a dream last night, similar to ones I always have, that I was having a sesh with Charro at my house. (not my apartment, by my house, or parents house I should say, which to me is still my house).  It was 9:30 PM and she was on one couch and I was on the other.  The TV was on, which I guess is a bit odd, and my mom had gone up to bed.  I'm not sure where my dad was.  So, we were talking and she kept getting up to do things.  She got up to go to the bathroom, then she got up to get an apple, then she got up to get popcorn.  I was like, "What are you doing?  You keep getting up in the middle of things."  We kept talking and the next thing I know, my mom is standing in the kitchen listening.  She had walked in while I was talking about getting weighed.  I was telling Charro how I was getting weighed by my field hockey coach (not sure if she was a doctor or what that was about) and my mom insisted on coming in with me.  Charro asked me how much I weighed and I said "100."  She said, "What, since when have you weighed 100?  That's great."  I said, "Well, it was 99."  She said that was still better.  That's when I saw my mom and freaked out because I didn't want her to know I was talking to Charro.  I think I woke up after that.

Charro's going to say, "Same theme as always," when I tell her this dream tomorrow.  She'll probably ask me what I think it means too, but I don't know.

I need chapstick!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Meow! Meow!

The sun is out!!!!!  Yay.  It's been cold and rainy, minus yesterday, since I got home from vacation.  I am having some serious paradise withdrawal.  I got a taste of it and now I want more!!  I guess I need to win the lotto, or something like that.  I still think I'm meant to be a surfer girl beach bum. 

Good thing I'm going running with someone today because I would not want to go by myself.  My motivation is lacking lately.  I did go rollerblading yesterday, which was fun, and my legs are a little tired.  There are a lot of hills in Central Park.  You really notice them on wheels.

Meow, meow, meow, that's all I hear!

Friday, June 15, 2012

I'm feeling really fat right now and want to weigh myself, but I'm going to try not to, we'll see how that goes. 

So this is what Charro said to me today.  She goes, "How do you meet up with people from your blog?  Do they say 'hey Palmtree?'"  WHAT??  She knows I'm Palmtree.  I might have told her that 5 years ago but never again, and she would remember that??  Hmm.  I should have asked her if she read it or read my comments on other's blogs.  Maybe I'll get the courage Monday to ask.

Awkward and uncomfortable

I just got back from my sesh with Charro.  I thought it was a good sesh, even though we have a few chit chats about Nurse Jackie during it, mostly brought on by me.  So, she goes, "I want to ask you a question."  I always get nervous when someone says that to me because I feel like it's some kind of forewarning of what's to come.  I don't remember exactly what she asked me but it was something about blogging and then she mentioned Johanna McShane's blog (ED blog that I read and comment on), which was a little awkward because I thought Crap!!  I comment on that blog and now she knows what I say and that I'm talking about her.  What was my most recent comment?  Was it bad?  Then she said something about "palmtree."  Crap again!!!  She knows my name.  So, that was really uncomfortable because she kept talking about blogs, and people and stuff and I kept wondering if she had read the stuff I had written and I really wanted to ask her but I didn't want to at the same time.  I don't think she reads my blog, however, I think she might have one day a few weeks ago before I saw her, but I don't know for sure.

So, that was an uncomfortable little chat because I feel like she's seen all the stuff I've written, which I guess shouldn't be hidden from her anyway, but still, I talk about her so it's uncomfortable.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

An almost sighting

I got to my gym to teach class tonight and thought I saw Stephanie on the machine next to my friend.  I don't even know what I felt.  I had to go in the locker room and take care of some stuff before I went over to talk to my friend, but I couldn't wait to get over there and see if it was Steph.  She had the same hair color and same build and it looked like her, but it wasn't.  I was kind of hoping it was her.  Oh well.

My apartment is a complete disaster and I need to clean it this weekend.  Blah.  I hate putting stuff away.

Charro tomorrow.

No more WIF

I would be having my first WIF in a months tomorrow, but Charro has canceled all WIFs from now on.  No more weigh-ins because it's pointless.  I tried to tell her it was pointless a few weeks ago, but she said it wasn't.  She finally realized on Tuesday, that it is pointless because I'm not going to gain any weight.  So yay, no more weigh-ins for me.  Tomorrow's sesh should be interesting because I don't really know what we're going talk about.  I guess I'll find out.  Hopefully we won't sit in silence all hour, that would be awkward.  Hopefully she won't fire me because we have nothing to talk about.  We'll see.  I'm just really happy that I won't be getting weighed anymore and that I don't have to fake all of that weight stuff anymore.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Playing the part

My mom was so excited to give me dessert tonight.  I didn't even want dessert and now I'm sitting here having to eat this huge piece of ice cream pie.  Ice cream that I know is loaded with fat because I use to work at this ice cream place.  I'm not even hungry, which makes it even worse.  Blah.  I have to pretend I'm some what normal, right?  So, this is my attempt at it.

Still have to think

I didn't really do any thinking yesterday.  I still have some time I guess.  I guess my big question to myself and Charro would be if I don't want to change because of a lack of desire or out of fear.  Hmm, I think she'll like that question and will definitely want to "explore" that.

I di  (wow, I started to write that "I didn't weigh myself" this morning but then I remembered that I had).  Interesting.

Over and out.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

That concludes that

So, we're done talking about my ED.  Charro's done with it.  I think she's pretty fed up and done "arguing" with me (or my ED), understandably so.  She asked if I had weighed myself and I said, "Yes, this morning."  She asked me how much I weigh and I tried to divert it with, "Aren't you weighing me today?"  She said no, "We're having WIF."  So I was happy about that but unhappy when she continued to ask me what my weight was.  So I told her and that's when she got that tone...the tone!  So she said she's not going to weigh me anymore and that I can stay at this weight, but I HAVE to be honest with her and tell her if I dip below 98 because that will change "our work together."  I told her that I'm not trying to lose weight.  She asked me what I want to do with treatment.  She said I can stay at this weight, not talk about the ED and see what happens.  She said, "I can't fight you anymore.  I can't do it for you.  If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it."  She's absolutely correct about that.  She goes, "I'm not gonna weigh you.  I trust, I hope, that you will not lose anymore weight, and that you will let me know if you do because then that really becomes a treatment issue.  I won't weigh you anymore.  I don't mean to keep changing the treatment, it's just not working.  I'm tired of pretending.  You have no intention of gaining this weight so why do we keep pretending?"  She said I come from a place of "fighting" them (her and Stephanie).

Here's what else she had to say...

"The very fact that you can't handle, let's say 5 pounds, means that you're sick.  You pretend everywhere else in your life, I don't want you to pretend here.  You have to be really honest with me.  If you feel like your life is good enough and you can see yourself living the rest of your life this way, I think that that's something that needs to be respected."

So, that was that.  As of right now, no more weighing, no more ED talk, so I'm not quite sure what we're going to do.  I see her again on Friday, so we'll see.  I'm sure I'll have more to write about later.
I see Charro in a few hours and she is absolutely going to kill me if she weighs me today.  Please, I hope she doesn't do it until Friday.  It will not be pretty, she'll get mad and give me the same lecture that I don't want to hear (almost like when your mom says something to you in that tone)  Ugh.  So I hope to God she does not weigh me.  The only thing that's on my side is that it's a little chilly out so I can wear more clothes than I thought I'd be wearing.  I need to wear something nice though, because I have to shoot up to school for a ceremony after.  This won't be fun if she makes me get on that scale.  Let's hope she doesn't ask me if I weighed myself and how much I weigh either.  That won't be good.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Bye bye paradise

I'm back from paradise.  It really, truly was paradise.  Every morning at breakfast I would say, "We're really in paradise."  Every day at the beach I would say, "I think the water is nicer than it was yesterday."  I loved it and will most definitely return.

I ran on the beach.  I endured a little calf injury, although it wasn't so much an injury as it was this humongous, painful knot that had me limping.  I kept running even though it hurt a lot.  Oh well.  My friend tried to get me to stop but I wouldn't.

I told my friend about Charro and a little bit about the eating stuff, but not really.  She had an ED too, so it makes it easier.  I never really mentioned those words but we discussed things.

So, it's back to Charro tomorrow.  Hopefully she won't weigh me, but I'm guessing that she will.  I'll get in trouble but that's okay.  I don't really care at this point because I'm still dreaming about paradise.

I did feel fat a lot of times down there.  I can't wait to eat lots of fruits and veggies, only because I didn't get any fruit down there, and ate a ton of bread because we were in French territory.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

still loving it down here.  i'm feeling prettty fat though and i'm hoping that it's because i'm inthe ocean a lot and end up drinkin salt water and am retaining water.  love it here.  it really is paradise.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012


Paradise is pretty nice.  laid on the beach and swam in the crystal clear ocean all day.  I am wiped out and am going to go to bed soon.  I feel a little fat, or maybe a lot, but I don't care because it is nice here.  

Monday, June 04, 2012

Quote of the day

Here's Charro's quote of the day.  "People say all kinds of weird ass shit."  HA!!  That was funny and it just came right out of her mouth.  That was a good one.

I sort of feel fat.  I'm leaving at 4 AM.  I'm going to bed soon because I'm wiped.  I already miss my cats.  They miss me and one has already left a "gift" by my suitcase.  I hope I have wifi access, even though I'm not bringing my computer with me.  We shall see.


Almost back to a normal schedule

I saw Charro today.   She goes, "It's been a while."  I said, "I know, it feels like two months."  It was only two weeks.  We didn't really talk about much, I think it's hard for me to figure out what I need to talk about when it's been so long since I've seen her.  It wasn't until the end that we really started getting somewhere with some real stuff to talk about.  I tried to tell her that having WIF is pointless (meaning that I don't intend on gaining any weight), but she disagreed with that.  She also gave me the "I'm doing you a disservice if we're not working on things here."  Translation - I'm going to fire you.

I really have to run out and do this one errand but I don't feel like it.  It will take all of two seconds but I just don't want to go do it.  Then I have to vacuum and finish packing because I'm outta here in the morning.  I probably won't get to blog much.  Not sure what the internet situation is like and I'm only bringing my tablet, not my computer.

I did inform Charro that I was having fat days last week and I sort of compensated during that time.  I hope she doesn't surprise weigh me on Tuesday.  Actually, I don't even care because it doesn't really matter.  Why fake my weight anymore?  No point.  Next week I'm back to twice a week with her.  Yay!  I'll miss three times a week though.

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Time for sleep

I'm excited to see Charro tomorrow.  I haven't seen her in two weeks so I feel like we have a lot to catch up on.  Next week the weigh-ins start.  BLAH!

I'm really itchy and I don't know why, but it's annoying.  I am almost all packed.  I hate packing.  I always pack too much.  I should get ready to go to bed.

I'm planning on going to the gym in the morning and then running to Charro's too.  We'll see if the weather cooperates.  I have a few errands to run too.

I had a huge ass dinner, which could also be called a late lunch, but I call it dinner because it was at 4 PM, which is definitely not lunch.  She gave me all of these leftovers too.  I kept telling her that I'm only going to be home for one day and that I can't eat them all, but she forced them on me.  I don't dare weigh myself now.

Bed time.

Time to get dressed

I don't really think my legs want to move this morning, but they don't really have a choice.  I have to walk 3 miles, teach an aerobics class, go shopping for some necessities and then eat 4000 pounds of food and most likely feel absolutely disgusting and fat.  We'll see how that goes.

It's beautiful out today.  A chilly start to the day though.  I guess I should get dressed.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

No wonder my legs are tired

No wonder why my legs are tired.  I walked almost 8 miles today and worked out.  I didn't plan on walking that much, it just kind of happened.  Charro wouldn't buy that one, but it's true, it really is.  I do have to say that I'm sort of thinking about the huge Italian dinner that I'm going to be having tomorrow afternoon.  My Italian friend is cooking dinner and she's going to make more than enough food for an army and she's going to make us mangia!!!  I'm thinking that I won't have to eat for a week, which is good since I'll be on vacation.  :)  I don't need to eat on vacation.  I will, but I'm not going to eat that much because it will be expensive and I will be on the beach all day long.

This will be my last week of WIF freedom.  Weigh in Friday comes back on June 15.  Actually, she'll probably weigh me when she sees me on the 12th, which will be oh so lovely.

My friend wants to go out to dinner tonight.  I told her I'd go out but that I wasn't going to eat.  Well, not that I'm not going to eat dinner, I did already actually, I just can't be spending money on food all the time.  I had lunch out with a friend who was visiting.  I try not to eat out too much because it's expensive.

I really need to start packing.  I'll do that in 20 minutes, after I watch the news.

Friday, June 01, 2012

It lingers

This fat feeling is lingering and I don't like it.  I told my friend that I'm not eating when we go on vacation.  She said I would have to because she was going to force feed me.  She told me, when I first met her, that she "had eating disorders."  (plural?  Not sure what that means but maybe she just misspoke, she does that a lot).  I wonder if she thinks that I have one?  I don't think she does.  Maybe it will be discussed while we're laying on the beach.  Who knows.  I just want to feel skinny, that's all I know.  I can feel my fat rolls and love handle and it makes me want to puke.  BLAH!!  I need to put an extra large shirt on so I can't see anything anymore.

I need to do laundry tonight, and maybe start packing too.  I'm going to start my laundry in a few minutes and get this show on the road.  I'm going to take my contacts out, change my shirt, separate my laundry.  I'm going to only do whites so I can do another load or darks on Sunday.