Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I got a new shoe

So I went to the walk-in ortho clinic and got myself a new shoe.  The doc thinks it's a stress fracture so I have a little shoe that I have to wear for the next 7-10 days.  I am keeping my doctor's appointment for Monday though, so I have the x-ray disk with me.  No running for me. :(  Ugh, I might freak out.  I'll probably freak out.

I'm going to dinner so I best get ready.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation.  Well, I've got the second one covered.  I'm definitely icing my foot, and have been.  The rest part, well, we all know that that has not happened.  My foot was feeling good after my run this morning, then I went to the park to meet my friend and it started hurting a little on my walk there.  Well, we walked around the reservoir and we got halfway around and I couldn't walk.  We had to sit down for a bit and then we continued.  Maybe walking 3-4 miles on it wasn't the best idea, but it felt okay so it seemed okay to do.  I am now icing it.  I have an appointment set for Monday but I may go to the walk-in clinic tomorrow.  I don't know what to do.  It feels better than it did mid-walk. 

I also made an appointment for a physical at the hospital where I see Stephanie.  That might have been a bad idea because when I called and told them my last name he knew all about me.  He blurted out my birthday and address and I was like "oh crap, I'm in the system!!"  I wonder how much info about me is in the system.  I don't want to be in a system.  I knew I should have gone to my friend's doctor instead.  Stupid me.  I guess it doesn't really matter because I'm not seeing Steph long term so there's not much action they can take about anything if they felt the need to take action.

My foot is now frozen so I think it's time to take the ice off.

Bad pasta!

Quite literally.  I made pasta and it was bad.  I didn't have it in my cabinet for that long, less than a year, and it was bad.  I thought it tasted funny when I tasted it plain, and then it still tasted funny after I put the sauce on in.  I can't get that smell and taste out of my mind.  Ew.  Rancid pasta!

I ran and my foot felt ok.  Well, it feels much better when I run than when I walk, so I ran 6 miles.  I'm walking to the park later so we'll see how that feels.  I'll have my boots on though, which feel better than my sneakers.

So I did attempt to eat a real lunch, it just didn't work out for me.

I know I'm a dumbass sometimes

I went to dinner with some friends last night and we we're all chatting and having fun, and then I drifted off into my own thoughts.  I thought, I really don't want Steph to weigh me because what if I've gained weight.  Her scale does ounces so even if it's up 2 ounces I'm going to feel like I am getting fat.  What is she going to think?  So, those were my thoughts.  If I weigh myself here, and I'm the only one seeing it, I don't care if I gain 2 ounces, it's just that she's seeing it that bothers me.  I sort of almost want to lose weight just because she's seeing my weight.  I don't feel like I need to lose weight, nor am I trying to, so I don't know why I feel like I need to lose weight for her.  Maybe I need to talk to her about this.  Man, I have so much to talk to her about.  I told Charro that this would happen if Steh weighed me.

My foot hurts.  It always hurts when I'm sleeping and in the morning.  I'm going to get it checked out next week.  My friends believe that I have a stress fracture.  They say it's swollen, but I don't think it's swollen at all.  Of course I'll most likely be a complete dumbass and try to run on it again today.  Why...because I clearly have an exercise problem.  It's like, I totally know I should not run on it, but then I just have to keep testing it.  I don't know why I have this problem.  I knew something would happen when Charro was gone.  Speaking of Charro, I'm sure she has her hands full.  I'm still waiting for an email from her with the baby details.

Okay...gym time.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Blood splattered wall

I just noticed dried blood splattered all over my wall.  I'm guessing, and hoping, that is was from when I gave my cat his IV last night.  I did see some fresh blood in the bathroom last night after I pulled the needle out, so I'm guessing that is the case.  Weird that I didn't notice it until now.  Clorox isn't really getting it off either.  Poor kitty, I drew blood by accident. :(

Inner meltdown

I had a mini meltdown inside myself at the gym this morning.  I put my shoe on to go babysit this morning and my foot hurt, funny since it didn't really hurt yesterday.  It's freaking shoes that are the problem.  Anyway, I got on the treadmill anyway (I know, I know, I am stupid), and my foot didn't hurt so much but I had a weird sensation going up my shin so I figured that I should probably get off.  I knew I could deal with the pain, I was just worried about my shin breaking or something, so I got off and did the elliptical.  I got a little upset while I was on the elliptical because I was not getting the workout I wanted to get and I started thinking what if I'm not able to run for a while, I'll get fat and my legs will get huge and I'll get out of shape.  I can't deal with this.  Well, I got bored of the elliptical so I got back on the treadmill.  I only ran a mile but I felt better than I did the first time around.  I got home and called a million doctors and finally found one who takes my insurance so I'm going to see him next week.  The only problem is that it cuts into my lacrosse practice, which will stress me out quite a bit, but hopefully I'll get there on time.  Clearly I won't be running there.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

I'm watching a movie that was filmed in the city where I spend a lot of time.  I love seeing places that I know in movies, it's pretty cool.  The school I work at was just in some scenes.

I have to go meet with the guy who's coaching with me.  I picture him to be bald, (or shaved) short and skinny.  He's a vegan and teaches one I would ever hang out with but he sounds nice enough to coach with.  Totally no one I would date, that's for sure.  I can't deal with the whole vegan and yoga thing.

So Kruger had another baby.  She and Charro both had boys and not both have girls.  I "stalked" her facebook page and the baby is only a few months old.  She's living in Switzerland too, so even if I wanted to see her while Charro was on maternity leave, which we know would NEVER happen, I wouldn't be able to because she doesn't live here and she would be on maternity leave too.  Kruger was the worst, but it's fun to look at her FB page.  Haha.

I want to weigh myself and I don't know if I can hold out until Thursday, but if I weigh myself then Stephanie won't let me see my weight, which will bother me.  I don't see what the difference is.  I guess we'll see how much will power I have.

I don't really want to go meet this guy because that requires me going outside.  My foot is feeling better, I think.  This is great!!!!  Maybe resting it a little did help.  We'll see what running does to it tomorrow.

What I think about

I think the numbness in my foot is almost gone, which is good.  I'm sure it will come back, especially if I run tomorrow.  (I know, that's me being completely stupid!!)  I'll be walking on it a bit today, so this will be the pain test.  I will go to the doctor at some point.

I keep going through the I want to weigh myself to because I feel like I lost weight and the I want to weigh myself because I think I've gained weight.  I wish I was seeing Steph more than once a week because I have a lot to talk about.  I think I probably have a lot to talk about because we're new working together and I feel like I have stuff I need to inform her about.  Also, because she asks questions, it makes it easier for me to talk and come up with things to talk about.  I really like working with her.

My hip has been hurting more too.  Oh well, it's still not bad at all, but I can feel it, which I couldn't really for a little bit there.  (I need chapstick.  Ok, better)

I don't know why this ED shiite has to be so complicated.  Steph wanted to know how much time I spend per day obsessing about weight and stuff, I didn't know how to answer because I don't really know.  Honestly, I don't spend much time obsessing about weight and calories, but I do spend a ton of time thinking about what I need to do, what I want to do, what I want to talk about with her (or Charro), and what I think I should be doing.  It's not like, oh, I can't eat that or I need to go burn some more calories.  I just feel like I have so much to talk about with Steph and 50 minutes a week is not enough time.  We'll probably only see each other 7 more times before Charro comes back. 

I can't remember if I took my Ibuprofen this morning.  I think I did, but I'm not sure.  Oh well, I'll just guess that I did.

Back to my foot, I just want to know what's wrong with it.  I still think it's tendonitis, but what if I need to wear a boot or one of those Velcro shoes??  I'd definitely have to forgo that come gym time.  I guess I'll find out when I go to the doctor, whenever that may be.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Numb and tingly

Do we feel that it's a problem that my foot has been numb and tingly since yesterday??  I woke up at 2:45 this morning and freaked out about it for an hour and then I fell back to sleep.  I ran in my new sneakers yesterday and my foot hurt less than it has, but I also haven't been walking around that much this week.  I need to make a doctor's appointment because a numb foot and ankle isn't really that great.  I'll see if it still hurts a lot tomorrow when I walk around.

Oops, I'm still supposed to make an appointment for a physical, but I still have to find a doctor first.  I still don't know how Stephanie thinks it's possible to get an appointment for a physical in two weeks.  I know with my old doctor it took months to get a physical because those are longer appointmens.  Hmm, I think I'll just let it slide until I see her on Thursday and see if she brings it up.

I constantly have a cat on my stomach.  She loves me.  She's sitting on me again now.

I ate a real meal today, so that's good.  Dinner still has to happen.  I'm not not eating because I'm afraid of food or gaining weight, I just wasn't hungry and nothing really appealed to me.  I would order out more if I had the money, but I don't so I can't.

I would like to not have pins in needles in my foot anymore.

NEDA week

So there's an even in NYC that I wanted to go to for NEDA week.  It's the screening of a movie, Someday Melissa.  I don't really know anything about it, but we know I love my ED movies.  I was seriously considering going by myself, because who am I going to invite, my normal friends??  I don't think so.  Then I looked to see where it is and it's way too far for me.  Well, it really isn't "way too far," but it's in a pain in the ass place to get to, I think, I don't even know.  So, I'm not going to go all the way down there by myself unless I drastically change my mind...which means I'm not going.  :)

I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you do, are any of you guys going?

Friday, February 24, 2012

I have a hunch

I have a feeling that my eating is not that great right now.  I'm just throwing that out there.  I can't be too sure, but that's my guess.  I made lunch but didn't really want it.  I finally ate some of it about an hour ago.  I just had an English muffin too because I got hungry, which is funny because I felt disgusting after I ate my veggies and noodles that I made.  Maybe it's because I made them and they didn't great.  I didn't want them for lunch, which is what I made them for, but I had a yogurt and picked on something, I think.  So, it's not like I'm not eating, it's just that I'm not really eating meals, I guess.  I don't really know.  Maybe I am eating.  I can't figure it out.  I know if I say this to Stephanie she'll want me to keep a food log, which we all know I HATE doing, so I don't know if I'll bring it up.  I already feel like I have a lot to talk to her about when I see her again on Thursday.  I'm taking notes.

Now onto my jeans, which I think I shrunk in the wash.  I had them hemmed and he hemmed them too short and I'm obsessed with them, and now I think they just shrunk more in the dryer.  Grrr.  I hate jeans!!  Maybe I'll buy a new pair and not hem them.

I have "many"

Nope, not boyfriends...eating disorders...according to Stephanie.  I was like, "What do you mean I have 'many?'"  I'll have to ask her about that next week when I see her.  "Many??"  This is how it went down...She had me say "I have an eating disorder," then she asked me what it was like to hear me say and I said, "I don't know, I wasn't listening."  Then she said, "Can you say which eating disorder?"  I said, "No! I don't have one."  She said, "You have many!" (In a tone Charro has used with me many times).  I said, "I do?"  She said,  "So can you say, 'I have many eating disorders?'"  Then I said, "I have many?  Now which ones do I have?"  She said, "I don't know, you tell me."  That's when I said, "I have the fake one" and she said, "EDNOS?"  I said, "Yes, see you knew what I was talking about.  And that's how it all went down.

I told her how I was heading to the gym after our sesh, but was going to grab dinner before hand.  I said, "I'll eat dinner and get on the elliptical and probably puke."  She goes, "Are you puking now?"  I said, "Oh no, I'm sorry, I just meant that I'll probably puke from working out right after I eat."  She said, "I'm very attuned to those words. 

She wants me to "quantify" everything!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

So much to say

First I'll start with this, Charro had her baby, a girl, which we knew.  Apparently she had her on Tuesday, which sucks because I had her having her on Wednesday.  Bummer.  Stephanie told me that today.

Now onto my sesh with Steph.  I forgot how good she is.  I really like her, too bad she's so expensive.  She kind of just asked me questions most of the time and she really pushes me to answer them and rate things with a number.  Then she told me that she's going to be weighing me, which I totally did not expect and wasn't too thrilled about.  She wanted me to bring my scale into her so I wouldn't weigh myself.  She was really trying to convince me to bring my scale in and I told her it was too heavy to carry.  She told me to take a cab.  After going back and forth, we decided that I wouldn't weigh myself at my place if I could see my weight when she weighed me.  I'm sure I'll still weigh myself before I see her so I know what I'm going to weigh when I get there.  Like I said, I totally did not expect her to weigh me.  She weighed me at the end and I got to see, but she made me take off my shoes and my belt.  I weighed 99.6 on her scale.  I wonder how much she takes off for clothes.  The WIT (weigh in Thursday) is not stressful for me because she has not given me a number that I have to be and she is not going to "fire" me because of my weight.  Here is the problem though, what if she tells Charro my weight when I go back to her.  Then we'll have a problem.  She also measured me because she wants to see if I'm in the BMI range.  If you know me, you know that I think BMI is a big bunch of bull crap.  I won't go into my schpeel.

So when Steph asked me to bring my scale in I said, "I can't do that it's too heavy."  She goes, "How much does it weigh?"  I said, "I don't know, it's a scale, I can't weigh it."  She laughed.  Then she asked if it was a floor scale and I told her it was a doctor's scale, but then I told her it was a floor scale.

What else happened?  I forgot how much I like her and how good she is.  Did I say that already?  Oh yeah, I think she wants to do some food challenges.  Hmm. 

Oh yeah, she's giving me two weeks to get a complete physical.  What?  I was like, "I don't even have a doctor, how am I supposed to find a doctor and make an appointment in two weeks??  I may just forget about that one for a while and see if she questions me about it.  I know she will because she's really on top of things.

I told her about my injuries and she said, "How would it be for you to take a week off from working out?"  The look I gave her was answer enough.

I'm sure I'll think of other things that happened.

A little nervous

I'm heading out to see Stephanie and I'm a little nervous.  I feel like this 1.75 mile walk is going to take forever.  Sitting there and waiting won't be fun either.  I feel like this is just awkward.  It's weird but I guess I've gotta do it.

Oh sh...!!

I was debating about weighing myself this morning.  Well, I did...and it's a little bit of a problem, I'm guessing.  I've lost weight.  I'm not trying to lose weight.  I'm probably not eating well.  Charro would crap a brick right now and have somewhere, I don't know where, but it wouldn't be with her.  Crap bag.  When I stepped on the scale the first time and it read 96.8 I thought, this must be wrong, I need to calibrate this thing.  Well, I did and then I weighed 97 lbs twice, so I guess it's right.  I don't really know what to do about it.  Do I want to gain weight, not so much.  Do I have to gain weight, probably, but no more than 3 lbs.  If this is what happens to me when Charro leaves, then this might be a problem for the next 8 weeks.  I can't imagine that I would lose more weight because this is probably just some weird thing, but I don't know what the deal is.  I don't really know what's going on.  I guess I need to eat.  I didn't really have dinner last night and I didn't really have lunch the day before, or eat well the day before that.  Okay, looking back, I haven't been eating well for almost a week, I guess.  It's a really good thing I don't have WIF tomorrow, let's just hope Stephanie doesn't stick me on the scale today, which I highly doubt she will since she knows I'm obsessed with weighing myself.  I'll know a lot more about things, not these things, but how things are going to work with Steph, later.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I've NOT been thinking

So, what I thought would happened while Charro is gone is happening, which is fine because I'm not bothered by it, I've stopped thinking.  I'm not sure it's a good thing that I've stopped thinking because it may mean that I'm not doing things that I should be doing either.  I don't really know and I sort of don't really care at this point.  I will probably weigh myself tomorrow, or maybe Friday morning that way if Steph asks me my weight I don't have to lie to her. 

I had a late lunch so I don't want dinner.  My apartment smells dusty and I don't know why.  I got my notes in the mail from Charro today.  I'm going to have to cook tomorrow so I have something to eat.  My cats is licking my fingers as I type.  I like writing all of these sentences together with no rhyme or reason.

Maybe I'll think about this not thinking thing some more, or maybe I won't.

Day 1, tomorrow

Day 1 with Stephanie begins tomorrow.  I'm very interested to find out how she's going to work with me.  I'm sure it's different than how she would work with someone on a not temporary basis.  Last time I worked with her it was for a body image study, so there was an agenda, this time, no agenda.  I'm sort of bummed that she and Charro never talked, or at least not that I'm aware of.  Charro said she was going to let me know when the spoke but since I haven't heard from her, I'm guessing that never did speak.  I guess it doesn't matter much, better chance for me to get away with not getting weighed of having to do a food log.  I don't know if Steph does that sort of thing or not, but I also don't know if Charro was going to suggest it.  I don't think they really make suggestions to each other though.  

So tomorrow is the big day, it's going to be a little weird.  I don't know what to expect or what to talk about.  At least with Charro I'm seeing her all the time and she knows what's going on, so it makes sense for me to go in and just start talking about something because she'll be able to follow me, but I'm not sure what to do in this situation because it's temporary.  At least she has a little bit of a background on me from the study.  I wonder if she was able to go back and look at those records.  Hmmm...

So, that's the deal.  Apparently my arch is falling in my foot, which is causing the pain, along with tendonitis.  I'm a hot mess.  I slept for 9 hours last night, yet I could use a nap.  What's up with that? 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I need to be barefoot

I'm sort of hungry but sort of not at the same time.  I haven't really eaten much today so I should eat something, but I'm about to head out.  I'm going to make a nice dinner when I get home, but I don't have time to do that now.  I know I should be eating more than I did today, but it's just one day so it's not really a problem.

I see Steph in two days.  I'll be there in 48 hours.  This will be interesting and good I hope.  I wonder if she and Charro ever touched base.  Who knows.

I tried running in my new sneakers this morning but only made it 2 miles with my foot.  Actually, it hurts more walking than it does running.  I hopped on the elliptical for the rest of my workout.  It hurts as soon as I put a shoe on.  Hmm.  I need to be barefoot.

Monday, February 20, 2012

New sneakers...again

So I got new sneakers today.  I've always been a Nike girl but now I've got something new.  I had the man at the running store evaluate my running and he put me in Saucony's, so I'm going to give them a shot.  My foot hurt a lot today, so I'm icing it again.  I should let it rest tomorrow but I want to try my new sneaks so I'm going to hit the treadmill.  My foot did kill today and walking on it all day didn't help...neither did that ice bath!!  That was the devil.

I NEED to workout and burn some calories tomorrow.  Right now I need to go to bed.  I'm having a hot flash and I have ice on my foot, how is that possible?

Ice bath

I got lazy and never went to the gym...yet.  I'm heading out with my friend and we're going to walk downtown, so we'll walk about 5-6 miles, but it doesn't count as a workout.  I know my legs and feet will be tired after and I probably won't go to the gym, but right now my head is going a bit nuts on me because I feel guilty for not working out.  I guess I do get a bit anxious, so many things go through my head like, I'm going to gain weight, I won't burn enough calories this week (my heart rate monitor keeps track), I should work out because I need to get into shape, I need to run to get rid of my flab.  I mean, I'll get over it later, most likely, but right now it's bothering me a little.  I'm not totally going crazy, so it's not as bad as it may sound.

How come when I went to the Rachael Ray show I didn't get anything??  These people just got $1000 gift cards.

Oh, I did stick my foot in a sink full of ice.  Can you tell which one?  It doesn't look as red as it did in real life. I think it's still frozen and I only lasted a few seconds in there.  That was FREAKING FREEZING!!!  Not fun, but maybe it will help my foot.  Off to try and get new sneakers.
I need to eat breakfast (and want to), but I don't feel like getting up off of the couch.  I don't really feel like going to the gym, but it's gotta happen.  I'll eat as soon as I'm done writing.

Charro was in my dream last night, not surprising since I normally see her on Mondays.  It was the same theme as usual...I was in a big room with her, trying to have our sesh and there were a bunch of other people around.  Nothing really exciting about that dream, but that's what it was.

I don't know why I'm sleepy, I didn't really do anything this weekend.  I'm thinking about walking downtown today to get some new sneakers.  I wore my old ones last week when I ran and I'm going to try and return the new ones I bought that made my foot hurt.  I need to stuck my foot in an ice bath, but I dread doing that.  I guess I should because it will help.

I wonder how long I can go without weighing mysef.  Ha, it's only been 3 days...

Sunday, February 19, 2012

And then you realize

I was hanging out with one of my friend's last night and we were talking about diners and she told me the one she likes to go to because they have "the best challah bread french toast."  My thought process went something like this:  That sounds awesome, too bad I can't eat that.  I wish I could eat that but I can't.  That sucks that I can't go out to breakfast and eat something other than egg whites.  That's not normal.  It's moments like that that I realize there might be a bit of an issue here.  I would love to go out to breakfast and eat something other than an egg white omelette and french toast sounds so wonderful, too bad it scares the crap out of me.
By the way, I LOVED Kevin Costner's speech at Whitney's funeral yesterday.

I have to leave to go to my million dollar breakfast in a few minutes.  I don't feel like walking there and I don't feel like going because I'm not really a fan of my friend's friends.  I don't even really get to talk to my friend because there are so many of us, so it's like, why even bother going, but I have to.  The restaurant isn't too far from where I'll be seeing Steph, so I can get an idea of how long it will take me to walk there.  I'll just have to add another 5-8 minutes to the walk because Steph is 8 blocks farther.

It's funny, I feel like I've gone sooo long without weighing myself, but it's only been two days.  Ha!  What's that about.  I feel like I can go a while though, so we'll see.  I'll definitely weigh myself before I get weighed at the doctor in 2 weeks because I like to know what I'm going to weigh before I get weighed.  I know, that's messed up.

I guess I should probably put my contacts in and get ready to go.  Oh, they're running late...I wonder how late.

Maybe my ED will magically disappear before Charro comes back...???

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Whitney day

I watched Whitney Houston's funeral service today, all 4 hours.  It's not like I was a big fan, but I was home and wanted to watch.  I think she had an amazing voice and was a very giving person.  She was definitely blessed with talent, it's too bad drugs got the best of her.

My friend and I watched "The Bodyguard" tonight.  I saw it when it first came out and forgot how it ended.  I didn't like the ending because I want them to be together.

My friend made brownies and I wanted to eat 35 of them.  I love brownies.

It's way past my bedtime and I have to meet a friend from out of town for breakfast before class tomorrow.  I'm not thrilled about where we're going because it's really expensive and we're going with a bunch of people.  I'm getting out of there before the bill comes because I'm not getting stuck paying 50 dollars for 15 dollars worth of food.  I'll throw my money on the table and leave.  These people go all crazy with drinks and food and I get barely anything, so I'm not paying for their stuff.  I'm not made of money.

K, time for bed.  I feel like I need to work out like crazy tomorrow, but whatever.  My walking gets decreased by about 10 miles this week, since I'm not seeing Charro.  I'm going to have to make up for it in someway.  Next week I'll get 8 miles back because I'll be going back and forth to school, plus where I have to go to see Steph is farther than one of the offices I see Charro.

K, bed time for real.

Cha Cha Changes

I'm feeling fat today and like I didn't work out enough.  Well, I didn't work out enough this morning, so it's a fact, not a feeling.  (Oh, my kitty looks so tiny right now and that makes me sad.  I should weigh her).  It's funny how I can feel fat today considering the fact that I weighed myself yesterday morning and my weight was lower than usual, and definitely under what Charro would allow me to be to remain in her 5 pounds.  I guess it's a good thing that I'm out of her care for a while.  I need to figure this out.  I can't keep playing these games.  I really need to figure this out.  I don't understand why this has to be so hard to figure; I either want to change or I don't, but I want a little of both so I can't decide.

I wonder if she and Steph will ever touch base.  Since Monday's a holiday, it's not going to happen then.  Charro could go into labor at any time, although I have her giving birth on Wednesday even though her due date isn't until the 25th.  She said she would email Steph, which maybe she did yesterday, and would let me know when they talked, but I really don't know if they will talk.  It doesn't really matter, I guess.

I'm looking forward to seeing Stephanie on Thursday.  This is going to be a whole new schedule for me.  I'll have an hour and a half to kill in between my appointment and when I have to teach class, so I guess I'll just workout for a while before I teach.  It will be good.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Last WIF for a while

I just iced the heck out of my foot because it hurts.  Oh well.  I guess that's not going to stop me from running on it later because I'm a moron.  :)

I had my last day with Charro for a while.  :(  I think I talked a lot.  I did ask her if she really thinks that I have an ED?  I said, "Don't laugh or go into labor, but do you really think that I have an ED?"  She said, "I'm in labor."  She's funny.  She had me list the symptoms that I have and then asked me if I thought I did.  I told her that I can see that I fit the criteria, but I still feel like I'm not emaciated and unhealthy.  I also said that I'm not talking about bulimia because that doesn't pertain to me and she goes, "Some people might diagnose you as exercise bulimic."  I said, "Some people?"  She said, "Well I could."  We talked about my denial for a little bit. 

She still hasn't connected with Steph.  I asked her if she'd let me know when they do speak and she said that she would email me.  I said, in a the voice she would use to make fun of me, "Yeah, it will say 'I talked to Stephanie.'"  She laughed and said yeah.

Before WIF she goes, "Should I sing a song for our final WIF?"  I said, "YES!!"  She said, "But my voice is scratchy and I have a sore throat."  I said, "That will make is sound even better."  Her song was pathetic and I told her that I would not get on the scale until she sang a better one.  That didn't happen.  I got on the scale and I think she was okay with the number, because it was more than last week even though I lost weight since last week.  I feel bad for kind of pulling one over on her, but it's my own problem and it's not helping me at all, I am fully aware of that.  I'll deal with it.  She actually doesn't take off much weight for clothing, which I thought was really odd.  When she weighed me she said, "So you're about 102 then," which means that she only took off a half a pound or so, which shocked me because I had a lot more than 1/2 a pound on me.  Oh well.

It was a little sad to leave Charro.  I asked her if she would let me know when she has her baby so I could find out her name and everything.  She said that she would.  She said that labor "hurts like hell, even with drugs."  I said, "Well, how could it not with what's going on?"  She also said she'd touch base with me at the end of March to let me know what's going on in April.  This won't be so bad.  She won't be gone too long.  She also said something about me not having to do a food log if I did something, but I can't remember what that something is.  I'll hear it later.

I think I'll make lunch now.

This won't be pretty

Today is my final WIF and it's not going to be pretty.  I just weighed myself and I weigh a lot less than Charro thinks I weigh and there is no way that I'll be able to make it look like I weigh more.  I have to try and pick out the right outfit right now to help me along with this.  She's going to be pissed.  I don't want to end our sesh's together with her being pissed and me not being able to talk to her about it.  Ugh.  This is not going to be fun.  Maybe if I eat a really huge breakfast it will help??  I'm not trying to lose weight, seriously, I'm not.  I know I haven't really been eating that well since I've been home from Florida because I haven't really cooked and I can't decide what I want to eat.  I guess I won't have to worry (hopefully) about weigh ins for a while, so I just need to get through today.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Tomorrow is my final WIF for a while.  My final WIF where I get to look and see my weight.  My final day with Charro for 2 months.  So sad.  I feel like I've gotten much better at talking as of late, and it will be hard to pick up where I left off when she comes back.  I have a feeling a lot of things are going to change when she comes back and that freaks me out a little.  There's the obvious, which I've talked about, the blind weigh-ins and the food log, then there are the things I fear:  Will she refuse to see me anymore?  What will I talk about if I don't talk about my eating and weight?  Will she only want to see me once a week because I'm not making the progress that she wants me to make?  So many questions.  What will I do?  Will I decide that I want to really change and gain weight??  Right now, it's not looking that way. 

I said to Charro, "What will you do if you come back and I've gained 10 pounds?"  She said that would be great.  I said, "You'd look at me and think, 'oh, she got fat.'"  She said, "How long have you known me?  Don't you know that that's not what I would think so why are you projecting that onto me?"  I said, "Because it's what I think and if I gained weight then I would feel like I didn't have a problem."  She said, "If anything, you gaining weight would give you a better reason to be here because then we could talk about other things and not have your eating disorder all the time, because I'm sick of your eating disorder."  She said it makes more sense for me to see her more often when I'm less disordered and see her less often when I'm disordered.  I'm sure I didn't make sense, but she did.

I'm going to be sad tomorrow when I say goodbye.  It will be good to see Steph, and maybe I'll get a different perspective on things with her, but I'll miss the relationship and understanding I have with Charro.  Plus, I do not want to have to keep a food log for Steph, or get weighed, because I know that she won't let me see my weight.  I'm still dreading Charro's return when all of that has to happen.  I'll probably be talking about that for a while.

At some point I should probably eat lunch, but I'm not hungry. 

I'm going to weigh myself in the morning before I go in for my final WIF.  I'll have to make sure I weigh more than I did last week, although I guess it really doesn't matter.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Hair situation!

My hair smells fabulouso because I just got it done.  LOVE that.  I'm blonde again too. :)  I have this really weird hair area all of a sudden.  My hair dresser was like, "What is this? This was never here before.  It's all kinky.  I pull it straight it it kinks right up like it's been crimped.  It's a different texture too."  We were cracking up.  WTF is up with my hair.  It's just this one little section.  WEIRD.  I can't even explain it.  It's a definitely hair situation!!!

Last WIF coming soon

I want to weigh myself because I feel thinner.  That doesn't always mean that I am.  I guess I haven't really been eating enough, although I never stopped eating yesterday.  Today was a different story, but I was on the go for 12 hours and didn't have a chance to eat when I was hungry.  I did eat some stuff, but there were times when I was hungry and couldn't eat.  Oh well, it happens and people deal with it fine and it's not a problem so I don't see why it should be for me, although Charro would say otherwise.

I'm definitely going to ask Charro if she thinks I have an ED on Friday...our last day together, how sad.  It's going to be sad.  I'm excited to see Steph but I'm sad that I won't see Charro.  I feel like I really started talking this week too, what's that about??  We'll see what happens.  I wonder if they spoke yet.

Oh so I have tendonitis in my foot, just as I suspected.  Maybe I'll get some new sneakers and see how that works out for me.  I spoke to a PT who said Nike is the worst shoe, which is all I ever wear.  My foot was fine until I wore my new sneakers for the very first time and that was it. 

I was going to write about something else but I can't remember what is was.  Oh, Charro said I can weigh myself once a week while she's gone, she nixed the the going 6 weeks thing for me, but that wasn't what I was going to say.  I can't remember.  I have my last WIF on Friday though.  Yay...I'd actually rather have things stay the way they are instead of going to what we will be doing when she comes back from maternity leave.  That will blow.

I love "Seinfeld."

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

So much for pretending

The more I think about this stupid food log, the more opposed I am to it.  Ew.  They are the most annoying things to do because I'm not going to measure stuff and I'm not going to spend my day writing everything down.  I'll do it at the end of the day and it won't be in order and there will be no times, just food.  I hope to God that Steph does NOT make me do one because then I'll have to start that next week.  I guess maybe I'll find out something when I see Charro on Friday.

My foot was killing me today.  I ran anyway.  I didn't care, I just ran until it really started hurting.  I iced it for about 7 minutes when I got home but I did the frozen dixie cup massage method and since it goes directly only my skin, I didn't last that long.  I don't like a freezing foot.  I just wrote "food" by mistake.

Charro keeps telling me I have an eating disorder.  What's that about?  I still don't really feel like I do and I sort of question why she thinks I do.  Maybe I'll ask her why she thinks I do on Friday.  She might go into labor if I do that though.  She'll probably laugh at me and ask me if I'm serious, but I am serious.  I have to remember to ask her.

Ew, I have my last WIF on Friday.  EW because when she comes back I have blind WIFs or WIWs.  UGH!!!  That is going to SUUUUUUUCK!!  BLAH!!!

Charro said, "I'm not going to go along with this pretend eating disorder treatment."

Here comes the food log

Awesome!!  So Charro has informed me that I will have to keep a food log when she comes back from maternity leave, that is, IF I want to work on my ED.  She also informed me that she will weigh me blind every few weeks, although maybe she will forget all of this after pushing out her child and being gone for 2 months.  Can I be so lucky?  She will probably change her plan for how often she weighs me, because she tends to do that a lot.  I hope I know which day she's going to weigh me or I might be pretty screwed.  I'll just have to be prepared at all times.  Blah!  She also said that she will have to refer me to a nutritionist if she doesn't think things are good enough, again, IF I want to work on my ED.  The return of Charro might not be fun.  I have a feeling she's going to highly suggest to Stephanie that she have me keep a food log too.  She said that she was going to call her today, although I don't think she's working today so I don't think they'll speak today.  I won't know anything until I see Charro on Friday anyway...our last sesh. :(

So this weighing me blind thing is totally going to suck.  I guess it doesn't really matter because I'll still be weighing myself here, which defeats the point, but it is what it is.  I just can't relinquish control of my weight, so I either have to tell Charro that and start talking about other things or keep faking it, which isn't fun.  She knows that I don't want to gain weight, I've told her that, and I told her that I'm not really sure I want to change anymore and that I'm okay staying where I am.  So, she said by the time she gets back I have to have decided what I want: Do I want to stop talking about my weight and eating all together and work on other things, or get down to business.  Actually, today she said, "Sit of get off the pot."  So, we'll see.  We'll see what 8 weeks without Charro is like and what my time with Stephanie is like.  Only one time a week will allow me to not have to think so much, which could be bad or good.  It may mean that I just go into denial and go right back to everything I was doing.  We shall see.  Charro and I discussed that today.  It's all up in the air, I guess.  She would say that it's my decision...

Monday, February 13, 2012

2 more left

I only have two more sesh's left with Charro until sometime in April.  I'm not really sure what I said to her today, other than, "I don't care anymore.  I'm going to do what I'm going to do and I just don't care."  She agreed that that is the case, that I will do what I want to do and is glad to hear me say that.  She wanted to know what the "I don't care" part meant, and I'm not really sure.  I think I told her that I'm fine staying where I am with all of this stuff.  I told her that I don't want to gain weight and that I don't know why it she freaked out that I "lost a pound."  She said, "I didn't freak out."  I said, "You said, "That's total bullshit, Palm."  She said, "Well it is total bullshit."  I also told her that maybe it will be good for me to have a break from seeing her, that way I can figure things out.  She thought that was a good thing.  She said that I should take time everyday to meditate about stuff.  I said, "No, I meant figure things out by not thinking about anything."  Then she didn't think that was a good idea.  I told her that I wasn't going to think and just do what I felt like doing and then we'd know where I want to go from there.  I don't know if it made much sense, but it did to me.  I don't really remember what else, but I will when I listen to the sesh in a little bit.  I told her that I want to pick up tomorrow where we left off and if I was unable to do that, that she needed to snap me into it.

Final Monday

It's my last Monday with Charro for a while.  Coming off of Friday, I guess we have a lot to talk about, since she was not happy with my weight.  It's only going to get worse when she comes back and is weighing me in the summer when I'm not wearing nearly as many clothes.  It's a never ending cycle and I'm kind of sick of it...the getting weighed thing, not my weight, just the monitoring of it.  It's annoying and I don't like it.  So, I have that to deal with today.  Come Friday, I won't have to deal with it for a couple of months and that is going to be nice.  I'll miss Charro but I won't miss this.

I hope it warms up before I have to walk to my sesh.  I guess I don't "have" to walk, I could take the subway, but I choose to walk.  There I have a choice.

I thought I got a hernia lifting a 42 pound bag of cat litter last night.  That's a big bag.  I think I'm okay.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Staying here

Apparently me "not wanting to be in control" is me "hanging onto my eating disorder and having an eating disorder symptom," that according to Charro in reference to me not wanting this to be a choice for me.  Yes, the discussion between whether or not I partake in ED behaviors is a choice or not a choice continues.  I'm still arguing that it's not completely my choice but she totally disagrees with that.  I still believe it can be either a choice or an illness and not both. 

I know how I am, if I get angry at Charro for some reason, I'll rebel and weigh myself or not eat or something, because that's what I do when I get pissed off at anyone.  It kind of drives me insane that she doesn't understand that gaining weight is like the worst thing that could happen from giving up an ED.  She doesn't understand that a few pounds is equivalent to like 50 pounds in our heads.  I think tomorrow she wants to know whether I'm willing to gain weight and move on, or if I want to "stay here."  I think I'm opting with staying here.

Oh Whitney

Wow, kind of crazy about Whitney Houston, right?  I was shocked, but not so shocked, considering her history with drug abuse.  I'm guessing that she OD'd, which is probably what everyone is thinking.  They're saying that she might have drowned in the bathtub, I guess we'll find out.  She did have a beautiful voice.

I took a boxing class yesterday and surprisingly, I can still move my upper body, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do.  I'm a little sore, but not bad.  My knuckles are a little bruised and sore, but that happens.  My hands were shaking like crazy for a while after class.  I looked like I was withdrawing from alcohol.

I'm sure listening to my sesh later will put me in a yucky mood, like I was in all day Friday after I left Charro.  Three more sesh's left before she leaves.  We'll see how everything goes.  My guess is that I'll be fine, I may weigh myself a lot more than she wants me to, but we'll see.  She wants me to not weigh myself for more than 6 weeks and that is a bit impossible for me, maybe because I don't really want to not weigh myself.  I don't see the harm in it.  Maybe I should just go in there tomorrow and say, "Listen, I'm not going to gain weight so this is where I'm going to stay."  I don't know.  Maybe this break will be good for me.  I won't have to think or talk, which will make it harder to talk when Charro comes back one day a week.  Life will be different for the next 4 months, but that's how it is and it will be fine.  I just hope Stephanie doesn't want to weigh me, which I don't think she will.

I do NOT want to go outside.  It's freeeezing out.  After class I need to clean my apartment.  I guess I need to cook too, which I've been putting off since I got home from vacation.  I guess I need to have something here that I can eat.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Dry eyes

My eyes might fall out.  I somehow forgot to take my contacts out  when I got home last night, which is odd because all I could think about was taking my contacts out when I got into my apartment.  Well, I forgot.  I never do that.  It's not going to be very fun to try and put them back in in about 20 minutes when I go to the gym.

I danced up a storm last night (what does that mean?) and I'm surprised I can walk this morning.  I'm sure my foot will feel great when I put on my sneakers.  My hip was sore too.

I don't have to do anything all day, just work out and then babysit tonight.  It's cold and snowy, but not really snowy.  I need to clean and maybe cook.  Right now I guess I should get ready for the gym and get there before I can't get on a machine.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Perfect timing for a break?

I hit this point every now and then and I've hit it again today.  It's the "I don't care anymore" feeling.  I just don't want to deal with any of this stuff, so I just don't care.  I'll eat when I want to and do what I want to, and however it turns out is how it turns out.  Maybe it's a good thing that I'll be getting a break from Charro for a few months.  It's not her, just therapy in general.  I won't have to think about things so much, just once a week when I see Stephanie.  I'm not saying that this is a good thing and the way to go, but at least I can just stop for a while.  Stop thinking about all this crap and stop having to deal with it.  Like I said, I just don't care anymore.  I don't see what the big deal about losing a pound.  I didn't even lose a pound, she just thinks I lost a pound.  My weight is the same, I just didn't overload my clothing today because I don't care.  There's no point.

K, I have to get ready to go be all fancy at an event with people who have more money than I'll ever know of in my life.  Free dinner, which actually wasn't even that good last year, so I don't know what I'm looking forward to.  Ha.

WIF, the second to last one

WIF was not pleasant today.  First of all I felt like Charro was examining my pants to make sure I didn't have anything stuffed in my back pockets, which I did not, because they were kind of droopy.  Then she weighed me...All she said was "Alright."  I sat down and looked at her and she said, "I"m not gonna comment."  Then she said, "That's total bullshit, PTC!!  Why are you losing weight?"  (I hate when she uses my name)   I said, "I haven't weighed myself."  She didn't really like that answer because she says that that has nothing to do with my weight.  So, she was not happy.  She went off on some tangent, which I can't really remember right now and told me to think about it and give her my answer on Monday.  I do remember her saying that if I want to stay here and live my life this way, than that's fine, but "we need to talk about other things and agree to never talk about your weight or eating, but I don't think that will be too great for you because you'll still be living with this thing."  I kind of just sat there and looked at her like I was being scolded.  I guess that's kind of how I felt, I don't really know.  It kind of sucks that this is how it is and that she's going to be gone after next week, or maybe that's good.  I don't really know anymore.  I know I feel kind of crappy now, but whatever.  She told me that I have to eat more and work out less.  I told her how I ate really well while I was in Florida and she said, "Then you were working out too much."  I was about to explain how I barely worked out and how I ate and instead just said, "Forget it, it's not worth explaining."  We go through this over and over again, and yes, I realize it's me, but I don't know.  It's not like I lost a lot of weight, it was like one pound.  Why is that such a big deal?

Monday should be an interesting sesh.  Tons of fun.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Foot and dreams

I think I need to go back to a tropical place for health reasons.  My foot was starting to feel better while I was barefoot or only wearing flip flops.  It didn't hurt so much by the end of the week and I was running barefoot on the beach.  I put on my boot (not a heal boot, but a Merrell boot) and my foot instantly hurt.  What does this tell me?...I need to be barefoot on the beach.

I had a dream that I went to see Charro and I got there at 9 and she wasn't there.  I was told I was seeing someone else, this girl who I actually know and have been to her house with my friend, so that was going to be a bit awkward for me.  I was hoping she wouldn't remember who I was.  Then we sat there for about 15 minutes while other therapists get coming in and out of the big room (office with cubicles because it wasn't a therapy office where they were sitting).  I was getting annoyed and so was the girl I was seeing and she was trying to get people to leave.  Charro finally walked in with her son, who was wearing all red and a Thomas the train hat, and took him into another room.  I smiled at them and was excited because I got to see her son, and then she came out and talked to the girl I was going to see and they decided that I was going to go in another room and see Charro.  I felt like I was being tossed around.  Charro and I walked in and my next door neighbor was in the room doing a jigsaw puzzle.  I was hoping he would leave.  I was really annoyed at this point because I'd missed out on 20 minutes of my sesh already and because we weren't alone.  I think I woke up at that point.

Charro will love this dream because it's the same theme I always have.  It makes sense why I had it, since Charro is leaving next Friday.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

2 more WIFs left

I really want to weigh myself.  I haven't weighed myself in over a week and I need to know what I weigh.  I told Charro that I wouldn't weigh myself until Friday.  Well, actually she said, "Don't weigh yourself until WIF."  I agreed, even though she didn't mean for me to weigh myself on WIF, she didn't say that I couldn't weigh myself.  I'll weigh myself before I leave to get weighed by her.  But, if I'm going to weigh myself on Friday anyway, why can't I just weigh myself tomorrow?  What's the difference? 

Here's the deal, and I might have said this before, but it doesn't matter if I don't weigh what she wants me to, or if I've lost weight on her scale, because she can't fire me.  She'll be gone for a few months so she can't fire me. :)  I won't layer up as much as usual to make weight since I don't fear getting fired over the next week.

I am going to tell Charro that I think Stephanie weighing me is a bad idea (not that she's going to) because I'll want to weigh less if she weighs me.  It's true, and if I tell Charro that then she won't want Steph weighing me, so it will all work out.  I really don't think she would weigh me anyway.

Back to the chill

I'm back in the cold northeast.  My cats are thrilled to have me back.  I went to see Charro this morning.  Four more sesh's and two more WIFs before she leaves.  She wants me to not weigh myself for Lent.  I told her that I'm not Catholic, which she knows, and therefore I don't do Lent.  She told me to do it anyway.  Prodestants don't celebrate Lent.

The weather while I was in Florida was lousy.  I didn't really get tan.  It was still warm and smelled good though.  We had three inches of rain in one day and then we got a ton more.  My foot was feeling better in flip flops and bare feet, as soon as I boot my boot on this morning, it hurt.  This is a problem.  I have to wear heels on Friday night for an event and I'm not sure how that's going to work out for me. 

I am exhausted right now and I'm not sure why.  I have to go to the gym later.  I have to unpack and clean my very dusty apartment.  I need to get back into the work swing of things too.  That's about it.  I have no food here either so I have to figure that out.

On another note, Today is the 4th year anniversary of Polly's death.  I can't believe it's been 4 years already.  I miss that crazy girl.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Seriously, enough rain and clouds

It rained, poured, the entire day today.  Never in my 34 years of coming to Florida has it ever rained for an entire day.  They said we got over 3 inches of rain today.  It's supposed to rain tomorrow too, my last day.  If the sun is not out from 9-3 PM, I will lose my mind.  I NEED SUN!!!  I saw the moon tonight.  The clouds and the rain go away from about 10 PM-6 AM and then they come back.  That's not how it's supposed to be.

I don't want to go back to the gym, I like my beach workouts.  I promised Charro that I would not weigh myself when I got home.  I told her that I would not weigh myself until Friday.  I will weigh myself before WIF.  It's our second to last WIF.  She said, "Maybe Stephanie will weigh you."  I said, "No, she won't."  She said, "How do you know?"  I said, "Because she won't."  She better not weigh me.  I don't think she will.

So, I'm sad to be going home, but happy to see my cats.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Finally some sun

The sun came out.  I went to the beach.  I got burnt! :)  Not too bad though.  The water was beautiful and fun to play in.  I flashed a toddler.  I had the best beach do ever.  Don't ya just love beach hair??  Let's hope the sun comes out tomorrow, it's supposed to rain all day again.  It's really cloudy now.  Let's hope that my burn turns to tan over night in case the sun comes out tomorrow.

I am stressing about my phone sesh with Charro tomorrow because I'm not sure how I'm going to get away from my parents to do it.  They wanted to go to lunch but my PS is at 1.  Maybe I should just cancel it but I'd feel bad canceling now.  I don't know what to do.
It's raining...again...and tomorrow too.  I am going to go jump off one of the many bridges in this area and hope that an alligator or sharks chews me to pieces because the sun is not out.  I will go back home pasty white...a problem for me.  Not good at all.  How is it possible that it's been cloudy and rainy here this whole time??  I'm going to die.  I don't even feel like going running on the beach.  It's raining, maybe that's why.  I don't feel like working out today.  I just want the sun to come out and it's not going to.  So, I will complain about it on here until the sun comes out because I'm allowed to.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Blog annoyances

There's this blog I like to read, but as horrible as this may sound, the commentors annoy me.  There's an easy resolution to that problem, just don't read the comments, right?  Well, that's what I do.  I know everyone has the right to say whatever they want, but here's my problem with the comments, I feel like the people go off on unrelated tangents about their own stuff on this other blog.  I guess that's fine, but I feel like if they want to say as much as they're saying, and they're commenting a lot, that they should have their own blogs and use them as their space to vent.  I don't really know why it bothers me, but it does.  Obviously, like I said, I just don't read the comments and just the post itself, so it's fine. 

FYI, if you comment on my blog and go off on a tangent, I don't care. :)

Clouds and more clouds

It's cloudy here again today, which poses a huge problem for me.  Grr.  It's supposed to be like this the entire time I'm here, and getting worse as the days go one.  More rain, less sun = no tan. :(  That also equals a mental breakdown.

I had a phone sesh with Charro yesterday.  We were talking about "I don't knows" and I told her how my gymnastics teacher use to make us pay her a quarter if we said, "I can't," so she said that she should make me give her a penny everytime I say "I don't know."  I told her that I don't carry change in my wallet because it weighs me down.  Then I said, "I know you think I stick all my change in my wallet and stick it in my pocket for WIF, but I don't."  She said, "I've had my suspicions."  I thought that was funny.

Ugh, the sun needs to come out.  I need to go the beach and get my workout on!

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Wasted wake up

I woke up early this morning to go watch the sunrise on the beach.  Well, I pulled out of the garage and noticed it was drizzling.  I was wondering why it was so dark out still, and that was the reason.  I drove there anyway hoping that maybe it was just raining where I was, but that wasn't the case.  I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

My run on the beach was great yesterday morning, minus the two huge blisters I got on both of my big toes.  That should make today's beach excursion interesting.  I guess I'll find out how that works out in an hour.

Friends came to visit me yesterday and we hung out by the pool all day.

I rollerbladed along the ocean.  My foot and my hip hurt a bit from running, but whatever.  My blisters are my big issue now.

Today, beach, pool, beach. :)  Weather is perfect!!