Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy almost New Year!

Happy almost New Year.  I'm in for the night.  I was out and now I'm in.  Heading back to the big apple in the morning.  I have a ton of crap to bring back, which I'm not looking forward to putting away.  That is NEVER fun.  I hate putting stuff away.  I'll miss being home.  I'll miss the suburbs.  I'll miss lounging around in a big house, doing nothing.  I have been sick for the past week, so sleeping has really taken up most of my time.  Packing up the cats will not be fun.  I know for sure that they will miss roaming around the house.  I'm sure being stuck in a studio apartment is not fun for them.

So I weighed myself a few times over the past two weeks, but whatever, I don't really care.  I'm actually don't even care about seeing Charro on Wednesday.  I'm out of the loop of going so I'm fine not going.

I'll probably be in bed by 10 tonight, which is the way it's been.  I've been getting about 10 hours of sleep and taking naps.  It's been great.

I feel fat but I just weighed myself and it's not too bad.  Back to reality on Wednesday, am I ready for that??

2013...Wow, that's so weird.  Where the heck did time go??  I still think 1996 was yesterday? 2013 is going to be a great year, I can feel it.  Bring it on.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Cold med hangover

I have absolutely, not one, single desire to go to the gym this morning.  I should be in NYC  but I stayed home.  I should be teaching class, but I'm not.  I worked out for a whole 25 minutes yesterday because I was dying, so I left.  I did shovel part of the driveway last night, and we have about 8-10 inches of snow.  My body is tired and I think I have a Tylenol Cold hang over.  I don't feel like moving at the moment.  I was going to shovel the rest of the driveway, but my dad just came in the house and informed us that he found a guy to plow it.  (Our plow guy called to tell us that his truck broke).  I figured that shoveling the driveway would could as a workout (sort of) so I'd be able to skip the gym today, but I guess that's not going to happen.  I may just skip it anyway, I have no energy.

Why are my cats so darn cute!?

I see Charro in the new office on Wednesday.  I'm not looking forward to the new office, or it's location.  She's going to email details of where to go when she gets there on Wednesday.  This won't be fun.  Maybe the scale got lost in the move.  A girl can dream.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Still under the weather

I'm still not feeling well, but that's okay.  I didn't hear from my doctor about the strep test so I'm guessing that I don't have it, although it says online that it takes 24-48 hours to get the results back.  If I don't hear from her tomorrow, I definitely don't have it.  I don't think I have it anyway.

My stupid phone email isn't working and it's highly annoying.  I might have to pay a visit to Verizon tomorrow.  I just deleted it and now I can't get it back on my phone because it's not accepting my password, which is why I thought deleting it might help.  Clearly, I was wrong.

So at 4 PM today I felt like I was going to throw up.  That went away after an hour or two, but it was weird.

Back to Charro on Wednesday.  Getting weighed will not be good since I think I might have lost weight, being sick and all.  She's not going to be happy at all.

Last night I didn't sleep well because my nose was stuffed and I was breathing through my mouth, which then was so dry and I kept choking.  Ugh.  Hopefully tonight will be better.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Throat swabbing

I just woke up from a long nap and now I'm like a zombie.  I went to the dentist, the gym, and the doctor.  The scale at the doctor's office is in the hall.  The examining room across from the scale had literally four or five people in and it they were all watching me as I got weighed.  Um, where is the privacy?  I was kind of put off by that.  First of all, their door should have been shut so no one can see in, plus, no one should be watching me.  I'm also not quite sure why there were so many people in there.  According to their scale, I'm a half inch shorter than I was last week at the other doctor.  That was not cool.

I got home and my mom kept saying, to my cats, "Your mom is starving you and you're losing weight."  She said it three times and it was weird.  She knows I clearly don't starve my cats.

My throat got all scratchy because the doctor really rubbed that cutip down in my throat.  She did it twice because the first test came up negative for strep, so she wanted to send out the culture.  I couldn't talk after she swabbed me.  She felt bad.  I liked her though.  She's new and only like 30 years old, which is weird, but I'd go back to her.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Sore throat.  Check!  Three different types of rashes in three different places. Check!  Doctors appointment...well, I took my cats to the vet this morning, does that count?  I will call the doctor after they take their lunch break, because my parents keep telling me to.

I don't want to get weighed there because I just had a big lunch and I'll have clothes on.  Stinkers.  I guess it doesn't really matter because I know how much I weigh.

Dentist tomorrow.  Blood work some time, maybe Friday morning.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Wrap-up

Get it?

Last night was nice.  It snowed and was beautiful.  I felt enormously huge and wanted to, I don't know what I wanted to do.  I had a sore throat which got progressively worse and last night I didn't really sleep at all.  I think I might have strep, but I'm not sure.  I do have white bumps on the back of my tongue, so we'll see what that's about.

Christmas day was nice, although the snow turned into rain and I woke up to green instead of white.  Throat still hurts.  I still feel huge.  I'm hoping I can run tomorrow and not be hurting because of this sickness, or whatever, I have.  I'm sure I infected every body last night. 

I think I had something else to say but I can't remember.  I just need to work out a lot and not really eat for the rest of the week, sounds like a good plan to me.  I totally didn't do my food log yesterday or today either.  I took a vacation.

I need to go to bed.

Monday, December 24, 2012

It's Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve.  I went to the gym.  My mom tried to feed me chicken last night, as she was preparing part of our Christmas meal.  She goes, "Come try this chicken fried, it's fried in butter."  UM...HELLO...What part of that do you think I want to try??  Nice mom.  Then, as we're driving home from NYC she goes, "I dare you to eat just one french fry."  (They stopped at McDonalds).  Um, I'd eat one if I wanted one, but that's about as far as I'd go.

No gym tomorrow, obviously, since it is Christmas.  I need to shower.  I need to work out hard all week and get in shape and maybe get skinny.  Charro would not approve of that.  I think that's it. 

Christmas Eve is my favorite night of the year.  Yay.  I LOVE IT!!  Merry Christmas!!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Home for the Holidays

We're heading home today.  I don't know how I'll fit my cats in one container, should be interesting.  I really want to weigh myself.  I would right now, but I just drank a boat load of water so I don't want to because it won't be accurate.  I don't want to waste a weigh-in, if that makes any sense.  I told Charro I would only weigh myself once, or once a week, I think I told her both, so if I weigh myself now, it's a wasted scale hop on.  I might need to just forgo that plan though and see how much I weigh.

My cat wants water from the sink, but she can't have it because she'll pee in the crate and that will not be good.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

It's almost Christmas

I'm taking a second to blog, just because.  I was up and out early this morning delivering some treats to friends.  Now I'm cleaning, organizing and then packing.  Maybe I'll get to the gym.  I need to, but I don't want to go.  I'd rather take a nap, but I don't have time for that.  I'm meeting up with a friend and her family later one, who will be in town for a few days.  Tomorrow the cats and I are out of here.  Let's hope they behave at grandma's house.

I haven't weighed myself in while...since Monday.  Well, I weighed myself on Thursday but that doesn't really count because I was going to get weighed at the doctor that day.  We'll see how things go this week.  Maybe I can get Charro to stop weighing me when she gets back...I highly doubt that though.  I'm still doing this damn food log, which totally sucks.  She didn't fire me the past couple of weeks, which is good, because I wasn't where she wants me to be.  I'm not quite sure what will happen when she gets back.  She threatened again, if I lose any weight.  This, however, was before all the tragedy started striking.

Okay, I must get back to cleaning.

Friday, December 21, 2012

A moment of silence

It's been one week since the horrific tragedy in Newtown.  There will be a National moment of silence at 9:30 this morning.  I will be partaking in this, I just don't know where to do it.  Ideally, I would like to be at a church, but I don't really know if I could just walk into a church and sit there.  (I've never been to church in NYC).  I seems inappropriate for me to be at the gym.  I guess I can get my butt to the gym now and be home in time to just sit here and reflect.  I guess I better get my butt in motion.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Probably said before

I went to the doctor today and they wanted to measure me and weigh me, as they do every time I go.  (Although, I think the measuring thing is new as of the past two times).  I took my boots off, more so so I can get a more accurate weight, and my height came in at a whopping 5'1".  Woo hoo.  I stood up nice and tall and am a half inch taller than I thought.  They had me on record as being 5'1", so maybe I really am.  I will tell everyone that I'm 5'1", except for Charro.  If she were to know that I'm an inch taller than she thinks I am, she'll really make me gain weight, so that is not going to happen.  Yay, I'm "tall" (not really), which makes me weigh less. :)

I don't think she's going to be so thrilled with my food log, as of late.  I don't care.  I'm so sick of this damn food log.  It's so annoying.

Switching gears, it's been a tough two days.  I talked to more of clients today who were helping with the funerals of the Newtown victims.  So horrible.  One told me that one of the children they worked on had 11 bullet wounds.  :(  Sooo horrible.  I don't want to give this any thought at all.  From seeing the funeral of Vicki Soto yesterday, to the flag flying high where her funeral procession was going to drive through, to the balloons, and the funeral directors who are helping's just so sad and so close to home. :(  I just continue to pray for these families.

I should eat dinner...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

From ok to sad

I was doing okay today while I was on the train, minus my fatness freakout situation, but that's not what I'm talking about.  I was coming out of my sadness regarding the shooting last week, which was probably a good thing.  I got off the train and saw the hook and ladder fire trucks set up on the street with a huge American flag attached to them, flying high over the main street.  My eyes filled up instantly and my sister said, "The teacher's funeral is today.  It's probably going on now."  I saw all the green and white balloons set up around the church and cemetery too.  It was so sad.  I had to visit a client right across the street from where the service was going to be held.  He said that they should be going by in about an hour.  You can see the pain in his eyes, as well as everyone elses around the state of CT.  I met with a few of my clients today, actually, they weren't there but their co-workers were there and told me that the other guys were helping out with the funerals.  I can't imagine having to embalm and prepare those children and administrators. 

Okay, I want to try and stop thinking about this.  Busy day tomorrow and busy through Christmas I guess.  I can't believe Christmas is on Tuesday.

train ride

I'm on the train and my fat roll love handles are pouring out over my pants.  I want to lose it.  I can't stand it.  This might be a long, possibly bad two weeks.  As of right now, if Charro actuallu looks at my food log when she gets back, she won't be so thrilled.  Dinner didnt happen last night.  Lunch didnt happen the day before.  Not sure what lunch will consist of today, it might just be a yogurt.  I told her I wouldn't weigh myself more than once while she is gone, but that could be a falsification.  

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


I look at my arms and wonder what they look like to other people.  To me, they sometimes look skinny, what I like to call "anorexic arms."  I have to say, I really like when my arms look like that...or when I think my arms look like that.  Sometimes I think they look huge.  I was on the subway the other day and I was wearing short sleeves.  I was holding onto the bar so I wouldn't fall and I caught my (tricep) arm fat waving as we wobbled on the tracks.  I was horrified.  I thought, all of these people are looking at my waving arm fat.  I flexed my arm to make it tight so it wouldn't wave anymore. 

So, I know how I see my arms, but how do others see them, particularly when I go to the gym.  Do other people think they look nice and toned, too thin, or fat?  I'm hoping it's a mixture of too thin and toned, which would ideally make them skinny and toned, buff and thin.  Is it bad that I kind of want to look stickly skinny, without looking sick?  I think that's kind of normal.
I'm getting ready to head to the gym.  I should have run yesterday, but I didn't so I have to run today.  I'm hoping for 6 miles, we'll see how that goes.  It's kind of boring, but feels good when I'm done.

I started redecorating my tree last night.  One of my friends came over with new ornaments for me, which was so incredibly sweet.  I need to get more hooks so I can so I can hang the rest of my ornaments that fell off and didn't break.  Who knows where those hooks went.

Charro, if she looks at it, is going to hate my food log from yesterday.  My guess is that she won't look at it when she gets back from Italy.  Would you want to look at two weeks of someones food intake?  I don't think so.  Maybe I should just not do it.

I guess I should brush my teeth and get dressed so I can work out.  My cat has stinky breath.  Maybe I should brush his teeth too.  I don't think that would go over well.

Charro told me to stop watching the news.  I know someone whose kid go to Sandy Hook Elementary.  Fortunately, they survived.  Mentally, every one of these people are going to be screwed up.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I had a good sesh with Charro today.  I wished I could have stayed and talked to her longer because I had a lot on my mind and not enough time to get it all out.  I think it will be too late by the time she gets back.  We talked about what happened in Newtown, she teared up.  We talked about my food log and how, according to her, my "eating was not good last week."  Obviously she said that I have to eat and that an event like this can either help or harm an ED.  She said I should use this as a sort of wake up call to see that I shouldn't be worried about my weight because life it too short and unpredictable.  I totally get what she's saying, but I'm not sure it works that way.  When I'm upset, I don't really want to eat.

We also had the flip side of me being afraid of all the food that is around this time of year.  She said that I have to change things if I find myself becoming obsessive with my workouts, or not eating enough.  I think this might be harder than it should be, but I'm not sure.

I started redecorating my tree.  I ran out of hooks so I'm on hold with that for a bit.  I'm tired.  I'm babysitting in an hour, luckily just upstairs so I don't have to wear shoes. 

Broken tree

My Christmas tree fell over this morning.  I heard a huge crash.  All  my ornaments broke.  I am sad, very sad. :(

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Dreary day, dreary feeling

I'm having a Christmas party in a few hours and I'm not feeling very festive.  As I walked to teach my class this morning, tears filled up my eyes.  It's just all so sad.  I'm looking forward to seeing Charro tomorrow, and I have a feeling that our sesh will go by fast.  I wish she wasn't going away at this time.

Last night I had a dream that I was having a sesh with her, but it was outside.  Her husband was there and I kept giving the "is he leaving" look.  He was handsome, looked like an actor but I don't know the actor's name.

I have a lot to talk to Charro about tomorrow.  I wish isn't wasn't our last sesh for a couple of weeks.

Saturday, December 15, 2012


My heart is heavy and I don't know when this sadness will lift.  As I drove around my small CT town today I couldn't help but think of all of those innocent children and faculty killed yesterday.  It breaks my heart and is still so inconceivable to me.  These little children.  The poor families of these children who got their kids on the bus yesterday morning, said their goodbyes like they usually do, and then got the horrific call saying that there was a shooting.  I cannot even begin to imagine how they can go on after something like this. 

This town is very similar to the town I grew up in, and is like many of quaint little towns in CT.  It hits so close to home.  Everyone knows everyone in these towns, so I know that everyone in Newtown has been personally affected by this tragedy, it's almost impossible that that is not the case.  It's just so sad.

I had a dream last night that there was a guy throwing grenades on every floor of my apartment building.  I was chasing him, along with someone else, to try and get him to stop.  Luckily, his grenades didn't explode.

Thursday night I had a dream that my sesh with Charro was interrupted again.  This is a very common dream.  One of her patients came in to give her a hug because she was leaving to go inpatient.  Then a few other girls came back. I was getting really pissed.  At one point Charro said to me, "You're not skinny like those girls." 

I have so much to talk to Charro about on Monday that I don't even know if I'll get to this dream.  I might actually cry for the first time in our sesh.  My eyes filled up while I was working out at the gym this morning, then again when I walked into Walmart.  I walked into Walmart and saw Santa spreading Christmas cheer, and I thought, "How can anyone be happy right now?"  (I know it's Santa's job).  My eyes filled up and I walked through Walmart, a place where I always see people I know, without  making eye contact with anyone.  I didn't want to talk to anyway.  I just wanted to stay in my sad place.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Just Tragic

I don't even know what to say...Horrific.  I'm watching this coverage of the shooting in my state and it makes me so incredibly sad.  I cannot even begin to imagine what these families and parents are going through.  I can't wrap my head around any of this.  It is just so tragic and sad.  My heart goes out to all of these people.  It's horrific tragedy anytime of the year, but to have this happen at Christmas time just makes it even more difficult for these people. 

I'm just sad.  My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone.  We're all grieving in CT right now.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Monday mind thoughts

Charro's bringing dessert for us for our last sesh on Monday.  She's getting cioccolata calda (Italian hot chocolate) in honor of her trip to Italy.  Our sesh is at noon so if it's not raining, I will leave my place at 10:45 AM to get there, which means that I can't eat lunch before I go.  Even if it does rain and I take the subway, I'll leave around 11:20 AM, which still might be too early for me to eat, unless I'm hungry.  I know that if I drink the cioccolata, I won't want lunch, and I have told Charro that.  I'm okay without eating lunch but she says that I have to commit to eating lunch whether I bring it to her office or I eat before.  I'm not sure that's going to happen.  I'd end up eating around 3, I'm guessing, because that's when I'd get hungry.  So, I'm not really sure how this is going to turn out.  She emailed me and told me to make sure that I eat well all weekend.  I guess that means not just one day. ;)  I have my office party tomorrow night, so I'll be eating more than I would normally...and will probably feel disgusting after.  Sunday, I'm having a party, so I'll probably eat a lot, maybe.  We'll see.  I don't know.  I guess I thought this would be easy but I'm a little anxious about it all for some reason.  Not tomorrow or Sunday, just the next few weeks and eating, working out, weight, etc.  If I lose weight when Charro gets back then I'm screwed, but I kind of want to lose weight.  I want to be bones.

(I just saw the weather, rain in Monday.  No walking for me).  :(

HRM bad buy

I bought something that I shouldn't have, but I did.  I bought a new heart rate monitor last night because mine keeps not working on me.  It's under warrantly, so I'm going to send it back to the company, but I will be without it for a few weeks, which Charro would believe to be a wonderful thing for me, but I can't do it.  I know I should not use it because I'm obsessed with it.  This is very obvious when it stops working, like it did yesterday, because I go nuts.  I got off of the treadmill twice to try and fix it and it didn't work, which was really annoying.  It's bad, I know.  I know...I know...I know.  I have some guilt over that buy, and it's not even over the money this time.

I need to eat a banana and brush my teeth.  I'm still feeling a little like doody today, for some reason.  Blah.  I'm going to get off my ass now and be productive.   I'm having a Christmas party on Sunday and I won't be here tomorrow or Saturday, so I need to get stuff done today, along with doing some work too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Feeling yucky today

Hmm, I don't even know where to begin.  My sesh with Charro was fine.  She didn't say anything when she weighed me, so I'm not really sure what that means.  She did make a little noise indicating that she was not pleased with my weight, but no comments were made.  Today was our last day in that office.

So, I'm having a serious fat day situation happening.  I put on pants to go babysit and they were so tight and my fat rolls were hanging over them and I could see them through my sweater.  It was awful, so I changed my clothes and didn't feel any better after I did that.  Ugh.  I still feel crappy. Oh yeah, and she's making me keep the food log while she's away now because she's concerned about my eating.  My eating is no different when I write things down so I don't know why I have to write things down.

Bad things in this world make me sad.  I feel horrible for those peoples' families who were shot in Oregon.  Today I found out that two women I use to work with were killed in a wrong way crash.  There was a third person in the car who was also killed.  The guy who was going the wrong way survived.  It makes me so sad.

I need to do some baking and I don't want to.  I just want to go to bed.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Twitching Arm

My upper right arm has been pulsating for 6 days.  Enough is enough. 
I LOVE my Christmas tree!
My cat is standing on my keyboard.
I am out of shape and I can't stand it.  I need to start busting my ass at the gym.  Maybe that will be my goal during the week of Christmas.  I'll be at home with nothing else to do so I might as well bust my ass at the gym.  Charro's gonna LOVE that idea when I share it with her.  She said if I lose 1 ounce from WIW to WIW (tomorrow until Jan. 2) then I'm in serious trouble and we will have to take a hiatus.  Have I heard that before? ;)  I think she should give me a break since I won't be seeing her for two weeks.  That's how I see it.

So tomorrow is WIW and then no more weighing for a few weeks.  She asked me how I was doing with weighing myself and how often I do it.  I said, "Every day."  She was like, "What happened?  I'm not setting anymore weight goals with you."  I tried to say, "Cool, then no more WIF," but I got cut off.  I told her I started weighing myself as soon as she said she was going to start weighing me.  I told her that I need to know what I'm going to weigh before I go see her, even though my scale is different than hers.  I told her I was going to steal her scale during the office move. 

I really need to do work and I dread it at the moment.  I hate cold calling people.  Blah!

Monday, December 10, 2012


So Charro has a new challenge for me in 2013 and I don't really see the point of it.  She said we're going to have lunch and drink a soda.  Okay, in all seriously, I do not like soda.  I don't like carbonation, so it's not the calories that are the problem here, it's the bubbles.  I wouldn't like it if she brought in diet soda, club soda, seltzer, etc.  I don't like carbonation.  Why do I have to drink a soda?  Having to drink juice would be just as challenging for me.  I don't drink my calories and juice freaks me out, so why do we need to drink sodas?  Plus, soda is bad for you.

I asked Charro if I could see her Wednesday instead of Friday this week, since I have some work stuff I have to do on Friday.  So, we will be having WIW instead of WIF this week and we will be having WIW instead of WIF on January 2, 2013.

I almost threw up on the way to my sesh.  I was sitting on the subway and I got that metallic, watery thing happening in my mouth.  I was having a hot flash too and really thought I was going to puke.  We pulled up to a stop and I thought, should I get out here in case I throw up or do I just wait it out?  If need be I can go between cars and puke.  Luckily the feeling passed after a few minutes, which I expected it would and I slowly walked to Charro's office.  (This happens to me sometimes when I have cramps).  So I'm almost at Charro's office and I sort of get a glimpse of someone who looks like her over my left shoulder, but I didn't want to turn around and look, so I looked right to see the reflection in the building, and it was her.  So I turned back over my left shoulder and smiled and said hi.  We chatted.  She said, "I saw you checking yourself out in the building."  I said, "Ha.  I was looking to see if that was you walking because I thought it might be, but I didn't want to turn left."

I wish I could take a nap right now but I can't so I shall do some work.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

An apple sounds good

My cat's breath stinks.  Just saying....

So Charro is not going to be so thrilled with today's food situation.  I had lunch around 4 PM.  I had that caffeine and then I wasn't hungry, which I was fine with.  I know she's going to think that I'm totally going to fall of the wagon, or whatever you want to call it, while she's away in Italy.  I won't see her for two weeks, which is fine, but then, when she comes back, she's in a new office.  Hopefully the scale will not be in her office, but I'm guessing that it will be since everything in her current office is marked with a sticker on it so the movers know where it goes.  I told her I was going to remove the sticker. :)

I'm kind of hungry but I don't really know what I want to eat.  I guess I'll have an apple.  I'm dying of heat all of a sudden too.  What's that about?  I'll send Charro my food log after that.


I just had espresso.  I don't drink caffeine or coffee.  I'm going to get A LOT done today.  It was my free bday drink from Starbucks.  Ha.  This is fun!!

It's the month of food

All I've been doing this week is eating.  I'm kind of over it.  Birthday celebrations, Christmas parties.  I'm hoping to play field hockey today but I don't think the weather is going to cooperate.  I'm not going to play in the cold and rain, but I really need to run around for two hours.  I guess there's a lot of stuff I need to do here, like clean and do laundry, so I can be productive.  I need to stop at the grocery store on the way home from class so I can make soup and have food to eat this week. 

If I had WIF today, I would pass.  I don't so I guess that doesn't matter.  I mean, I'd pass by the time I put all of my clothes on, I wouldn't pass if I was weighed naked.

Charro tomorrow.  She leaves next week for Italy.  I want to go to Italy!!

I totally photo bombed a picture at a party last night.  I have to say, it was pretty hysterical.  We were dying laughing.  HA.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

:) Christmas concerts :)

I can't stand Mariah Carey.  That's actually an understatement.  She makes me want to vomit!  The only songs of hers that I can stomach, I just realized, are her Christmas songs.

I'm tired and need a nap today.  My friends are taking me out to lunch for my bday and then I am going to a Christmas party tonight.  My apartment is a complete disaster right now, but I haven't been around to fix it.  I will have to do that today and tomorrow, probably moreso tomorrow.  Oh, I have to buy stuff to make minestrone soup because I want to do that today too.  I don't know what herbs I need.  Thyme??  Rosemary?  I'll have to ask my mom.

Went to an awesome concert last night.  Hung out with one of the singers for a while and the guys, which is always fun.  I'll probably see them all again in February.  I made them treats.  Hopefully they liked them.  It was a blast.  It was a Christmas concert and it was awesome.  Christmas music makes me so happy.  Charro sent me an email while I was on my way to the show and said, "I know you're getting ready to rock and roll..."  How funny.

Charro won't like my non-dinner last night.  Oh well.

Friday, December 07, 2012

My friends are awesome

It's been a busy few days, on Wednesday I celebrated my birthday with my family.  Yesterday I had a work thing all day, which I left early to come back to NY to teach class.  My aerobics girls surprised me with a dinner and cake.  It was very nice.  It was so sweet of them and I really enjoyed and appreciated it.  :)

I'm feeling a little fat, but not really. My weight is the same. 

Charro almost forgot about WIF today, and I wasn't going to remind her.  She remembered towards the end of the sesh.  I got on with my showed on and then she made me get off and take them off.  Doozy.  She said I need to gain weight, which is what she said the past couple of weeks, but she hasn't fired me.  Maybe she's over that because she sees that I'm eating well, I don't really know, but I haven't been fired.  I brought her a piece of my birthday cake.  We were supposed to have that for breakfast but she forgot and ate breakfast.  That's fine, because I didn't want it anyway.  I actually told her that she could eat breakfast and then have the cake, which is why she probably got confused.  I told her that I was going to eat before coming, so I don't know.  She ate a little bit of it and I only have 2 bites and then put it away.  She said, "Did you really eat breakfast?"  I said, "Yes, I'm not lying."  She said that I should have eaten the cake anyway and that eating alone will be my next challenge.  Eh!

I'm tired.  No time for a nap, lots to do. :) 

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Last day of 34

I'm feeling fat today and I'm not liking it one bit.  I'm going out with my family for my birthday, since I won't be around to celebrate with them.  I wanted my mom to make chicken, but my sis didn't want to come all the way to the house, so we're meeting for pizza. I plan on having soup because I've had Italian food 3 out of the past 4 days, so the last thing I want is pizza.  My new belly ring is hurting me too, so now I keep touching my fat stomach.  I am loving my new jewels though.  I bought it last year and forgot about it and I remembered the other night and put it in.  It's pretty.  Maybe I'll take a pic of it and post it.

I'm supposed to bring breakfast in for Charro on Friday.  Maybe I'll bring her some sticks as a joke.  :)  We'll see.  I'm sick of getting weighed and keeping food logs.  I get a break for a few weeks when she goes away for Christmas.

Blah.  Oh, I found out today that I have to go to Wisconsin in January.  That is the last thing I want to do, ever, ever.  I am going to die!!!

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Outside it was

I ran outside and it was gorgeous.  The sun broke through and it was warm and I got sweaty.  Yay!  I was dying on my run though.  My heart rate was up to 180 at one point.  Really, am I that out of shape?  That was not cool.  It was probably our last nice day for a while so I had to enjoy it.  The park was empty too.

So the stomach flu is going around my family.  My sister had it on Saturday, my mom started with it last night.  Both my dad and I ate from the same soup spoon as my mom on Sunday.  We'll see.  Hopefully I won't get anything because I'm going to see Martina on Friday night.  I will not miss that for the world.  If I do get it, I will tell Charro that we will not count WIF because it won't be accurate. :)

I need to start baking for Christmas now so I can bring treats to Martina's guys on Friday night.

I'm waiting for the cable guy so I can't go anywhere.

Inside or outside

I can't decide if I should run inside or outside.  My plan was to run in the park today, since it's going to be warm out, but I need to do this before noon and right now it's sort of rainy out.  They (the weather people) say the fog and rain will be gone by 10 AM, but I'm not sure I believe them.  I guess I can wait it out a little and then go to the gym if it's still yucky out.  I'd rather run outside, since I'll be stuck in the gym all winter long.

I didn't walk as much as I thought yesterday.  I walked 6 miles, which is good.  Maybe I'll only run 4 today.  If I'm running outside it will only be about 4-4.5 miles, if I run inside, I'll stop at 4 miles, or so I say now.  I'll probably only want to do 1 mile.  Ha.

Um, do we really have to hear about the "Royal Baby" for 7 more months...and then again after it's born.  Ugh.

Monday, December 03, 2012

Walked all over town

I walked all over the city today and I'm beat.  I saw Charro in there too, in between some walking.  I ate some really spicy Thai food that is now eating away at my stomach.  I'm sure I'll have a case of BHB tomorrow.  You don't want to know what that is.

I have to go babysit in a few minutes and I hope none of these kids have a big diaper explosion because I don't want to deal with that ever!  YUCK!!

I'm never going to be down with this damn food log.  I'm bringing birthday cake in for breakfast on Friday.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Today will be a fun filled day.  My parents are coming.  I have to teach aerobics and then I will meet up with them and my roommate from college parents.  Then I will go play field hockey.  Then I will shower and probably not want to move,  but I'm going to want to put together the new shelves I'm getting, so we'll see, those things are never as easy as they should be.

I probably won't get to see my parents before I leave because I don't think they'll get here in time.  I was hoping they would.

I should probably get dressed and stuff.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Oh Christmas Tree

I got my Christmas tree last night and decorated it today.  Yay.  I absolutely love Christmas trees, music, and lights.  They make me so happy.

My parents are coming tomorrow, that makes me happy too.

Wow, I had stuff I was going to say but have drawn a complete blank.  So there's a desk right next to Charro's scale, so yesterday I put my hand on the desk while she was weighing me and the scale showed that I had lost a lot of weight.  She was just about to say something and then I let go.  She goes, "I got really worried there for a minute."  Haha.  Next time I have to do the opposite so I weigh more, except there's not really a ledge for me to push up on so it pushes me down.

I guess I'll go to bed now.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Oh yeah...I forgot

So I think I saw one of my field hockey players at the dermatology office right across from Charro's office, as I was coming out.  That is SO NOT COOL.  It would just be awesome if she saw her coach coming out of an office that says "Psychiatry" on it.  Yeah, I'm NOT okay with that.  I was hoping that she wouldn't come out and wait for the elevator with me, which she did not, thank God.  I would have died.  I did have some explanations for her to tell her why I was there, if it was her.  That caused me to sweat.  I would have told her that I was having breakfast with a friend.  Ha.  Breakfast was not a lie.

That wasn't bad

So breakfast was not bad at all.  Charro brought in a croissant and a banana.  That was it.  That was so not bad at all.  There were no calorie loaded drinks with whipped cream.  Thank God!! :)  WIF, we'll I didn't really make it but she didn't fire me so that's good.  She likes me too much to fire me. :) 

Now I must go to the gym, not because of breakfast, just because. :)

Breakfast soon

Breakfast in 1 hour 9 minutes.  Who's not excited?  I!!!  Breakfast and WIF, what's better than that?  Ugh.  This is going to blow!!  Wait until I whip out my 4 horse pills to take when we're done eating.  Maybe Charro won't have time to get breakfast.  Can I be that lucky?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

WIF and Breakfast tomorrow...yuck!

Tomorrow is WIF and breakfast day.  Ugh, can a sesh get any worse than that?  I don't think so.  This is going to be awful.  I'm going to tell her that she's not weighing me until after we eat, we'll see how well that goes over.  My guess is that it's not going to go over well.  My only hope is that she'll be so into the breakfast thing that she'll forget to weigh me. 

I've also laid off mentioning anything about Friday's breakfast in my food log, in hopes that she'll forget.  I doubt that will happen, but a girl can dream.

I think I'm SOL tomorrow because both things will happen.  Yuck!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Blah blah breakfast

I am SOOOO NOT looking forward to this breakfast with Charro on Friday.  This is going to suck a big one and it's not going to be fun at all.  I hope she doesn't expect me to finish everything she brings, which I know is going to be a muffin, because that's not going to happen.  Well, she didn't tell me what she's bringing but I bet a muffin and some beverage with a lot of calories is involved.  Ugh.  I'll have to run a million miles after.  This is going to suck a butt. 

I had breakfast for dinner tonight.  I'm sure she's not going to love that one either.  It was either that or a yogurt, because she is not fond of that.

I'm going on a date so I guess I should get ready for that.  Two dates in 4 nights, woo hoo.  Different guys too.  Hopefully this guy will be fun.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Breakfast situations

Okay, so we have a lot of breakfast situations happening these days.  First of all, Charro says I have to get rid of me "sticks."  Obviously, I don't have to listen to her, but I might for a little while.  She said I have to be done with them by the end of next week.  She's giving me that amount of time because I have 2 bags of them.  I told her I couldn't finish them in that amount of time.  Shes said that I should be able to and that I have to eat a bigger bowl of cereal.<>....LWL.P; (That was my cat getting in his two cents).  I don't think so.  So, that's one issue.

Issue number two...Charro is bringing in breakfast for us on Friday and I don't know what it will be because she won't tell me, but she did make mention of a latte and a muffin.  I don't even drink coffee.  What if she brings one of those things with whipped cream?  I'll freaking die.  I won't be able to do it.  Bad enough that I'll have to eat a muffin, but then I have to drink something with 5 million calories in it too.  I can't do that.  And I have to go in there having not eaten anything and then she's going to weigh me on an empty stomach.  Not cool.  I did buy some weights today though, those might come in handy.  Ugh.  Next week she wants to eat again because it's my birthday.  Ugh.

So those are my breakfast issues.  She's going to make me drink something with calories.  I don't drink my calories.  I will definitely have to go work out on Friday, that's for sure.  This is going to suck a big one.

I think there were some other things but I can't quite remember.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

I watched a movie and I cried tonight.  I cried a lot.  I never cry.  I even felt stupid crying in the dark, even though I was all by myself.  I watched this movie a year or two ago when I was home for Christmas and I cried then.  I remember that my dad gave this movie to my sister and her husband when they were going through a tough time and she wanted out.  She never watched it but I think my brother in law did.  The big problem with this movie is that the acting is really, really bad.

I guess I'll go to bed and hope that I get a good run in on the treadmill in the morning.  I need to run, run, run.  Run, run Rudolf!!  That's going to be me tomorrow and then I'll walk to Charro.

Paradise in a dream

I have to go outside soon and I don't want to because it's cold out.  I'm supposed to play field hockey later, but if we don't get more people to come we won't play.  Part of me hopes it gets canceled because it's so cold out, the other part of me needs to go and run around for two hours.  I need to run, run, run.

So my date goes, "So you're not going to go to the bathroom after you're done eating, are you?"  At first I thought that that was a very odd question to ask someone, then I realized he was making reference to a Seinfeld episode.

I'd like to sit on my couch all morning.  I was having the BEST dream...I was on a mini tropical, deserted island.  It was paradise...and then my alarm (which shouldn't have been set) went off.  I couldn't fall back to sleep and I couldn't go back to paradise.  It made me sad.  :(  I want paradise.

Charro tomorrow.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

A little date

I went on a date tonight...I probably won't see him again.  He was very nice, a gentleman and old fashioned, which I like, but our conversation wasn't all that exciting and I felt like we didn't really have much to talk about.  You can only discuss Seinfeld for so long.  He's also about 5'1" tall, which is not great, and bald.  I don't really care about the bald thing, but the height thing is an issue, even though he's a smidge taller than I am.

I feel disgustingly fat and huge after our dinner tonight too.  I hate that feeling.  Tomorrow is a full day of working out, which will be good because I need it.  I'm going to play field hockey in the freezing cold, but whatever.  I hate the cold but I have to do it.  It will be fun. 

Right now I need to go to bed.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Did I really think that?

I'm back in NY with my kitty cats.  They're happy I'm back.  I did some cleaning/dusting tonight in preparation for Christmas decorating tomorrow. 

I didn't weigh myself last night and I didn't even feel like weighing myself.  This is a first.  I was getting ready for bed and I looked at the scale and though, I don't need to weigh myself.  I don't think that has ever happened.  Charro's going to love hearing that.

I watched Frosty, the first Christmas special of the year for me.  I'm going to head to bed soon.  I have to get up early tomorrow to do stuff.  Isn't that specific?!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for A LOT of things, but that would take forever to list so I won't.

I went to the gym and saw mean Debbie.  I hate her.  I am definitely not thankful for her!!  I was on my way out when I saw her on the machine so I don't know if she saw me.  I dislike her greatly!!!!!!

I went to get gas and noticed that Walmart was open, so I went because I needed a few cleaning things for my apartment.  NO one was in there, it was awesome.  I got a few Christmas gifts in there.

I have to go check my sticky buns.  I made them.  My grandma always use to make them.  I also made an apple cranberry pie.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Shoes off!

I sort of survived WIW.  Well, I didn't pass so I have to be up next week.  I hopped on the scale with my shoes on, after she told me to take everything off.  I thought she wouldn't notice and then she said, "Take your shoes off."  Busted.  So I got off and took my shoes off and then she sort of patted me down.  I was wearing cargo jeans and have a bunch of tissues in one of my pockets because I have a cold.  I may have had some quarters in there too.  She goes, "What's in here?"  I said, "A million tissues."  She said, "Are you sick?"  I said, "I just have a cold, I'm fine."  She also touched my head, as a joke.  So yeah, I failed WIW but I didn't get fired.  Now I have to keep the stupid food logs longer when I was supposed to be able to stop today.  Sucks a butt.  WIF will continue as well.  Awesome!!

I don't feel great.  I'm stuffy and my eyes hurt.  I will sleep on the train.  I need to grab lunch too, I guess.  Ew.  I'm hungry but I'm not.

I guess that's about it.

WIW screwed

I am so screwed this morning.  I'm getting weighed in an hour and it's not going to be pretty.  Please, oh please, don't let Charro notice that I'll be wearing my shoes.  Ugh.  I've gotten away with wearing them the past two weeks and today I really need to have them on or she's going to think I've lost like 3 pounds.  Even with my shoes it's going to show weight loss and she's going to say something about that for sure.  I don't think she'll fire me today, but you never know.  Maybe she'll give me a week since I was good two weeks in a row.  I guess I'll find out soon.

I'm so tired too.  I had 9 hours of sleep last night and 10 the night before, but I'm fighting a cold so that's probably why I'm so tired.  I didn't get good sleep over the weekend either.

I guess I should brush my teeth and stuff so I'm ready to go.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

WIW tomorrow

We're back to WIW (which Charro LOVES saying) this week, since I will not see her on Friday.  I will have to eat a lot for the rest of the day to try and make this work, not sure how that's going to happen.  Maybe she'll give me a break since I made it two weeks in a row??  Hmm, probably not, but maybe.  Too bad we won't be having WIF because after Thanksgiving I'm sure I'd make it.

I am doing some serious cleaning today in preparation for my Christmas decorating.

Charro wanted to know why I wouldn't tell my parents that I needed to stop and get something to eat.  She said that I'm "uncomfortable spotlighting my hunger."  I don't think that's the case, I just don't like to take away from what I'm (and everyone else is) doing to stop and get food.  I told her that food is not important to me and she says that is has to be because it's "medicine."  Some people eat to live and others live to eat, I eat to live.

I hate when she tells me that I can't rely on my hunger cues.  That makes me so mad because I know when I'm hungry.  I can tell.  I can feel it so it bothers me when she says that I don't know and that I can't tell.  I can.  I can!!

I have too much crap in my apartment.  I would love to move my furniture around but I don't really know how to put it so I will leave it as is.  I just need to get rid of stuff...a lot of stuff.

Crap, I need to call Verizon for the millionth time.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Back in my own bed

I had a good weekend away with my family.  Things actually weren't stressful for me at all, which is good.  I worked out yesterday, which was also good, plus we walked around a lot, well, not that much, actually.

I got back in time to walk to Charro today.  It was a nice walk after having been sitting in a car for over 4 hours.  She wasn't too thrilled with my food log from the weekend, which I expected.  She said I have to stop and get food when I'm out and about and tell people I need to eat.  Well, I was at a museum one day and a zoo the other so it's not like I'm really going to get food there and take the time to stop what we were doing to get food, especially since we had time restraints.

I started with a sore throat Friday night, just at night while I'm sleeping and I've had that for the past three nights.  I'm starting to get a little stuffy.  I'm exhausted to so I will be in bed by 9 PM, which will be so nice. 

I think that's about it.  I can't wait to sleep in my own bed with my kitties.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Over and out for 2 days

I head out with the family tomorrow for 48 hours.  It should be interesting.  I will hopefully get to work out Sunday morning.  Hopefully no comments will be made about my food intake, I don't think there will be.  Let's hope my cat doesn't crap all over my apartment while I'm gone.  Ugh.

Charro thinks I have some anxiety.  She said, "I know you don't think you do, but I think you do."  I'm looking forward to my sesh with her on Monday.  I think we'll probably have a lot to talk about after the weekend.  She still wants me to get rid of my "sticks" but I can't do it.  I can't not have my Fiber One.  She wants me to not have them for a few months.  Um, no.

She's not going to be too thrilled with my food log today, I don't think.  I didn't really have dinner because I had a late lunch.  I don't really care at this point because I don't need to gain any weight.  I'll probably work out obsessively on Thanksgiving day, and the day after, and there's nothing wrong with that.  My stupid heart rate monitor is pissing me off because it keeps dying on me while I'm working out.  It was killing me during my run today. 

So, no blogging for me until Monday.  Sad day.  I wonder if I can blog from my phone.  Ha, that would have a ton of errors in it.  Maybe I'll try it.

Final WIF?

Today was one of those days where I wish I could have stayed and chatted (not chatted casually) with Charro because we were having a good sesh.  I passed WIF again.  Same deal as last time, she told me to take off my shoes and I didn't listen.  She didn't notice that I was wearing them.  She also told me to take off my sunglasses again, which I did not do either.  Oh well.  She didn't make me take my hat off today, which was odd.  She did make me lift up my shirt because she thought I was wearing my WIF jeans, which I was not.  I did have a pretty studded belt on though.  (Pretty, not as in attractive).

My cat shit everywhere this morning.  I mean, everywhere, and it was squishy and smelly.  Ugh.  I don't know what her deal is.  I hope it's not just because she's old.  This is not good.

Ironically, one of my friends asked me if I had "lost more weight" last night.  I had to laugh and say, "No, I actually gained weight."  None of them believed me, but it is true.  I said to Charro, "This is our last WIF."  She was like, "No it's not."  I said, "Yes, this is our last one and then you said we're going to do random ones."  She said something and I said, "Ya, I know you're going to do a random one that Friday after Thanksgiving."  She said, "Yep."  Good, I'd rather know when I'm going to get weighed than be surprised.

Okay, I must go to the gym now because I'm not quite sure what my workout situation is going to be like this weekend.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

WIF and Sticks

Tomorrow is WIF.  I have one more WIF, actually it will be WIW since I will see Charro on Wednesday instead of Friday next week, and then I'm done with WIF...sort of.  She's going to do random weigh-ins which is really going to suck.  Hopefully I'll be able to keep my shoes on tomorrow or I'll be really screwed.  Last week she told me to take them off but I pretended not to hear her so I had them on when she weighed me, which really, really helped out and allowed me to stay in therapy with her.  So, tomorrow is another WIF and another stressful morning to get through.  Last week I pointed out how you could see my heart beating through my shirt and she said, "Ew, that's gross."  I said, "At least it's beating."  She agreed on that.  I think we'll have a lot to talk about tomorrow.

I have also been eating my "sticks," as she calls them (Fiber One).  She's not going to be thrilled with that because I'm supposed to not be eating them for a week.  Oh well, they're easy and safe so I eat them.  Clearly I don't like "challenging" myself when it comes to food or exercise.  She would say, "So you want to hold onto you ED."  I guess, maybe I do.  It's really not that bad.  We'll see how it goes this weekend when I'm away with my entire family for 48 hours, in a hotel room, eating every meal together, not working out.  AH...we'll see how that goes.  I am bringing workout clothes with me in hopes that I will get to work out Sunday morning at the hotel. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why did I cut my hair?

I went and got my hair cut today and as I was getting it cut I thought, I should not be cutting my hair because I have WIF on Friday and I am going to weigh less now because I have less hair.  (I have a lot of hair).  So, bad move on my part and I will be sure to tell Charro that I may weigh less because I got my hair cut.  I'm sure she won't go for that, but she should and it's the truth!!

I'm thirsty.  I ate my sticks for breakfast this morning.  I will eat my sticks again tomorrow morning...sorry Charro, I need my sticks. 

My mom and I are going out to dinner and I'm not even hungry.  Clearly I have to eat.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Rachael Ray as my husband

I would want Rachael Ray to be my husband for the sole purpose of her cooking dinner for me every night.  There are obviously several problems with that, and several reason why that would never happen.  Let's start with the obvious...her food it pretty fattening!!  I can't be eating that every night or I'd be a blimp.  Hello people.  Occasionally it would be nice, or if I could tell to to make only low fat foods, then it might work out.  There are a few other reasons why Rachael could never be my husband...She's married, and I like men...or guys, I should say.  I don't like the word men when I'm referring to people I'd like to be dating because it makes them sound old, like "old men."  So, I refer to them as guys.  There in lies the reasons why Rachael Ray could never be my husband.

I do have to say, a lot of what she cooks looks very good and yummo, but I just think about how many calories and fat is in it and it freaks me out, which is why I don't make these dishes.  (You're right, I don't have a problem.;)

My workout kind of stunk this morning.  I didn't even break a sweat.  What's that about?  I clearly wasn't working hard enough.  I did an hour of cardio but it wasn't good.  Tomorrow is a day off because I'll be travelling, Thursday is a double workout, and then I'll have to work out Friday because I'm going away for the weekend and I don't know what's going to happen there.  I clearly can't bring my "sticks" with my because I'm going away with my whole family and if I whip out my "sticks" at breakfast my mom will undoubtedly make a comment.  It's going to be bad enough when I go to the gym to workout, I'll get a comment there too.  I guess I'll have to just be ready for these comments.  It should be an interesting weekend.  All of us in one hotel room.  Oh dear.  Maybe I should go stay in my brother's room with him, but that would be awkward because he doesn't say much. 

I have to say, after Christmas I plan on going back to 98 lbs.  Maybe Charro will stop weighing me at that point and I can get away with it. She won't notice the difference.  I'll be screwed if she makes me get on the scale and I'm not prepared for it.  One day at a time I guess.

Monday, November 12, 2012

No more sticks!?

So I'm watching the news and they're doing a story on the food pantry and how they really need food, which makes me think how can I eat food when people out there don't have food to eat?  I should suffer too.  Hmm, Charro will like to explore that, I'm sure.

Speaking of Charro, I had my sesh today.  She wanted to make a deal with me to not eat my "sticks" (Fiber One) for breakfast for two weeks.  I looked at her and told her that that is impossible.  She wants me to do it for a week now, starting tomorrow, which is not going to happen.  I can't do it.  It's my one meal that I'm sure about and it's comfortable for me.  I told her I'd think about why it's so scary for me to have something different and compile a least of reasons to share with her. 

She's not going to be happy with my food log today either.  I didn't really have lunch, because time didn't allow, but I am about to have dinner.  She said, "You know, you have to maintain your weight because we're not done with WIF."  I said, "I know...I hate WIF!!"

I guess I should go heat up my dinner.

By the way, I bought milk so I can have my stick tomorrow.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Lots of playing

Woo, I'm tired.  Done.  Shot.  I played some serious field hockey this morning and then played more this afternoon.  So, about 3 hours of field hockey today.  I think I gave myself whiplash diving to take a shot.  My head hurts so I have to take something for that.  Let's hope to God that I didn't give myself a concussion, I don't think I did though.  I can't wait to go to bed. 

I know I'm not going to want to move tomorrow, so I think I might skip the gym and just run to Charro.  It's a little less than 4 miles so it's not that much of a workout.  I think I realized today that if I hadn't played sports in college, my ED might have been a lot worse. 

I'm too shot to write now.

Friday, November 09, 2012

A weekend off

I got a break from the food log this weekend and it feels good.  I told Charro that I wasn't going to do it this weekend and she said that it's okay.  I told her I won't be around all weekend and I won't be able to write things down, she was okay with that.  It feels a little weird to not have to write and remember everything, but it feels so nice at the same time.  As much as I hate to admit it, it might actually help keep me accountable and eating, not that I didn't eat today, I did, but I find myself thinking, oh, I don't have to eat if I don't want to because I'm not writing it down.  Charro said I can stop doing the food logs on the 21st, that's the day before Thanksgiving.  She said, "I would like to see what your Thanksgiving is like, but you don't have to do it."  I told her that it's too hard to keep track on holidays anyway because there's so much picking and so much variety.  She agreed with me on that.  So, if all goes well with the next 2 WIFs, actually one WIF and one WIW (haven't had a WIW in a while and Charro is going to love saying that), then I don't have to do the food logs anymore.  YAY!!!  I can't believe Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, that's just nuts.

So, getting serious for a moment, I know I'm doing myself a complete disservice with this whole Charro/weighing thing.  I get that.  I just think that I'm eating well, and eating much more than I use to, so if I don't gain weight then that's my body saying that I don't need to gain weight.  I'm not going to change the way I'm eating and I don't see why I need to gain weight, so this is how it is.  I guess if I really, really wanted to get better, then I'd be eating things that scare the crap out of me, which I'm not doing.  I feel like there's a lot I could discuss with Charro, but if I brought them up, then I'd really have to work on changing things and I don't really want to.

I just made apple sauce.  :)

Thank you, shoes!

I passed WIF today because of my shoes.  THANK YOU, SHOES!!  I do feel guilty about this and I have to live with this guilt.  I also have to make sure that I can wear my shoes the next two times I get WIFfed.  After that, WIF is over and she'll do random weigh-ins, which is more stressful than knowing I'm going to get weighed.  Charro did tell me to take my shoes and my sunglasses off, but I pretended not to hear her.  (I had my shades hanging from my shirt).  I don't really know how she could have missed that I forgot to take off my shoes and sunglasses, but she did and I passed WIF so that's really all that matters right now.  I do feel really bad about cheating.  Like I said, I'm the one who has to live with it.  I don't like being dishonest.

I came home to my apartment, which smells like cat pee, and that concerns me.  I hope my cats did not pee on the carpet and if they did, that means that there's something wrong with them.  I've learned that basil smells like cat pee and I have a basil plant sitting in my window, by my heater, so maybe the smell radiated.  Haha, get it?  Radiated.

I'm so freaking tired and my contacts feel like they're going to fall out.  I have a meeting in a bit and then I wil rip my contacts out of my eyes.

I need to think of some good stuff to talk to Charro about on Monday.  No more chit chat, it's time for business.
I have cramps and WIF.  Oh dear.  Can I just crawl back into bed?  Let's hope I don't puke after I eat my breakfast.  I need to eat so I can take some advil.  Sometimes food and cramps don't mix so well.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

It's not looking good

It's not looking good for WIF tomorrow.  Maybe I can shed a tear or two and she'll keep me???  Yes?  No?  Maybe?  I'm probably going to say she'll go with no.  :(  Oh well.  I have a feeling I won't sleep that much tonight.  This is going to suck a duck.  Maybe if I eat a bagel on the way there it will weigh me down?  Will it?  Oh dear!

Gorge time

I'm going to have to gorge myself all day in order to make WIF tomorrow.  I'll have to gorge myself in the morning too.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to go about this, but I'll figure it out.  Hmm...

Charro keeps telling me to have a brownie sundae.  Um, where am I going to get the brownie and where am I going to get the sundae part of it.  I'm not going to make a thing of brownies for one brownie and I'm not going to go out and buy supplies for one sundae.

I don't like this one bit.  Tomorrow is going to suck!!

I'm in the Christmas spirit now that it's cold and snowy.  Time to start listening to Christmas music.  Almost time to start decorating.  Okay, I'll wait until after Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Cat puke

I haven't eaten dinner because I'm not hungry.  I don't really have anything good to eat here anyway.  There's cat puke on my floor and I have to empty the litter box.  I've been too busy looking up trips.  Maybe just a quicky to Florida, who knows.  I'm trying to convince my mom to go with me and my sister for our big birthdays. :)  We'll see.

Maybe I should empty the litter box and then clean up the cat puke.  I don't think dinner will be happening.  No desire.

Effin WIF on Friday.

2 more days

I'm sitting on the heating vent because it's freezing out.  Oh, and by the way, it's snowing too.  WHAT!!  This is not okay.  I'm not even going to talk about the election because I'll throw up, which would not be good because I apparently have an ED.  :)

Speaking of, the big, bad WIF is coming in 2 days.  This is not going to be fun or good or whatever else it might be.  So, come Friday I may be Charro-less.  If that's the case, I can always go back to seeing Stephanie, but I won't go to anyone at that point.  I'll just remain as is and all will be fine.  I can stop keeping these damn food logs too.  I think if Steph didn't make me keep them I might consider going to see her, but no more food logs.  I've already decided that I am not going to do them this weekend, even if I don't get fired on Friday.  I'm taking the weekend off and she can't do anything about it. :)  I'm going to be nervous on Friday and my heart will be beating out of my chest.

The end.  It's cold.  I'm fleeing the country until 2016.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Jeans freakout

I just put on my jeans and they are squeezing my thighs so tight that I might lose my limbs if I don't take them off.  This is so NOT okay.  I tried the walking lunges to loosen them up.  Maybe I washed them and don't remember, which is why they're tight, I really don't know.  Maybe my hamthighs have grown tremendously in size, which is why they looked like encased sausages.  Whatever it is, it's not okay.  I need to start running more. 

I sprayed too much perfume on me and now that's all I can smell.  Ugh.  If I can smell it, than it's definitely too much.

Monday, November 05, 2012


If the three people who read this blog have any desire make a donation to help victims of hurricane Sandy, you can do so here. 100% of money goes to the cause, unlike Red Cross.  Thank you.

Friday is do or die

Charro and I discussed WIF and getting fired today.  She said if I wear "those jeans" that I'm going to get fired.  I said, "What if I wear spandex underneath them?"  She said, "To add more weight?"  I said, "No, so I can take my pants off."  She said, "That would be weird." 

It's known that her office is about 500 million degrees in the winter and about 5 below in the summer, so the window is always the summer to warm it up, and in the winter to cool it off.  Anyway, she said, "I wish I had my bathing suit on.  Oh, that's an image."  I didn't say a word.  She also said that she's going to run the marathon in a few years, which I responded with, "then I'm going to run it."  Of course that sparked a conversation.  She wanted to know why so I told her that if she is going to run it then I'm going to run it.  If she can do it, I can do it. 

Hmm, I have to make WIF on Friday.  I told Charro that I'm done with the stupid food logs come Friday.  She said, "No you're not."  I said "Yes I am.  If I get fired then I don't have to do them anymore and if I don't get fired, then I'm not doing them anymore."  She didn't like that and said, "You're paying me so you're going to keep doing them."  If I'm paying her, shouldn't I get to do what I want to do?? ;)

Charro thinks I have low self-esteem which causes my ED.  I don't think so.  She also wanted to discuss why I'm such a competitive person.  I can't help it, I like to win!!  I told her that I am scared of getting hit in the head (with a field hockey ball) and she said, "That's good, that means that you care more about yourself."  Okay.

So, Friday is the big day.  I don't know what's going to happen.

A Normal Monday

I haven't had a normal Monday in about a month.  By normal I mean, walking to Charro's and actually seeing Charro.  Last week I obviously didn't see her because there was, um, a hurricane.  The week before that I saw her an hour earlier so I had to take the subway.  The week before that I saw her early in the morning.  So now, we're back to normal.

This may be my last Monday with Charro, if I get fired on Friday.  If I get fired, eh, I get fired, not much I can do about it, I guess.  I would miss out on some extra walking, which means I'll have to spend more time in the gym.  I'll save some money and can go on vacation, I guess. 

I might see some storm damage on my way down there.  If I walk by NYU Langone, the hospital that had an emergency evacuation last week, I may seem something. 

So, that's it.

Sunday, November 04, 2012

HRM breakdown

I had a heart rate monitor breakdown (it, not me) two days in a row.  It keeps not working on me in the middle of my workouts, which is so not okay and I freak out about it a little.  I stopped and got a new batter for it today so hopefully that will make the difference.  It's not that old so it shouldn't have died but hope this solves the problem.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Seeing the images

I've been seeing the images and videos of Hurricane Sandy all week long and they still get me.  I just looked at some more photos and watched a documentary and it leaves me speechless.  The magnitude of what happened around here is just crazy.  I remember seeing images of Katrina and hearing about how bad it was, and you can see that damage and destruction and you hear the peoples' stories, but you can't really grasp the magnitude of the situation unless you live in the area and are getting that constant local coverage.  I saw the stories that hit the National airwaves with Katrina, now I'm seeing every local story and seeing the first hand accounts of how horrific this all is.  It's hitting me more and more each day.  I cleaned out my closet today so I can donate some clothes.  It's getting cold here and people don't have heat, it's becoming dangerous for many.  It seems surreal to me.

Riding the bus

Last night I rode the bus.  I thought about walking but I hopped on the bus because it was free and I thought I'd take advantage of that.  Anyway, I got talking to two women who live downtown and have no power.  They were hoping that they'd go home to power.  One of them said that they had gotten a call saying power was back in her building.  It was nice to chat to people other than my friends.

So it's Saturday.  I think our field hockey field got flooded the other day so I don't think we'll be playing tomorrow.  I need that extra exercise.  I have Charro on Monday and then the dreaded WIF on Friday.  Blah!  I don't know how the hell I'm going to make myself weigh 104 on her scale on Friday.  I'm going to whip out the heaviest sweater I have and see where that takes me, even if it means I sweat to death on my way there.  It's either that or sianaro.  (I have no idea how to spell that). 

So I mapped out how far Charro walked to work and it was over 5 miles.  I'm going to tell her she was "walking too much."

It drives me insane that Charro thinks everthing I do has to do with "the eating disorder."  The other day our elevators weren't working and I had to be somewhere so I took the stairs.  She goes, "Ooh, the eating disorder was like I can take the stairs."  I was like, "No, I had to be somewhere and I hate waiting for the elevator so I would take the stairs regardless,"  She thinks everything I do is ED related when it's not, including my gum chewing, which has nothing to do with anything.

Ugh, my cat just did a stinker!!

Friday, November 02, 2012

WIF waived one last time

I'm trying to figure out the difference between Charro's scale and mine because I'm clearly miscalculating this every week.  I went in today thinking that I was going to be where she wanted me to but I was not.  She said I need to gain a pound by next week or we're done for real.  I know, if anyone is actually reading this blog you're thinking, "How many times have I heard this?"  I know, I'm thinking the same thing.  Last week she didn't fire me because she felt badly for not responding to my email.  Today she didn't fire me because of the whole hurricane situation.  Next week, I'm gone, unless I'm at that magic number.  I wore my WIF jeans today too, and she caught me.  (The heavy ones).  I'm going to have to come up with something for next week, nothing is as heavy as my WIF jeans.  Maybe it will be really cold and I can wear a huge sweater.

So Charro walked from her home in Brooklyn to work.  Charro doesn't really walk the much, I don't think, and I'm sure she doesn't walk quickly, so I'm sure she had to leave at like 6 AM to get to work today.  So nuts.  Then, she has to walk home too?  Maybe she'll take the bus or something.  Nuts.

Okay, so the NYC Marathon is going on, which I, and everybody else I've talked to, thinks is a bad idea.  I understand why they want to go through with it, but no one really thinks it's a good idea. 

I sent Charro the wrong food log so I just sent her the real one.

I went for the study I am doing today.  I have to go back in 6 months.  There were some ED questions before and after, but then the actually study was brain stuff, like puzzles and memory things.  It was cool.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

So, tomorrow...

I really don't know what will happen with WIF tomorrow, if we even have WIF.  I still don't know how Charro is going to be able to make it into the city.  People are lined up for hours just to get on the bus from Brooklyn to Manhattan, that's not even including the commute once you get on the bus.  I really have a feeling that she's not going to make it it.  However, if she does make it in, she's so going to fire me.  Hmm, so what's better, her not making it in or me going and then getting fired?  It's kind of a toss up.  I'm hoping she'll go easy on me since I didn't get to see her on Monday.  Let's be honest here for a minute, even if I do gain the weight, I'm just going to lose it after she stops weighing me.  Maybe I shouldn't even be seeing her anymore since I have no desire to intentions of gaining weight or keeping weight.  Maybe it's all just pointless and a waste of money.  I do like seeing her and talking to her about stuff, that's why it would be sad if she did fire me.  I guess we'll see.  I'll either get an email from her later saying she's not going to make it in or I will see her in the morning. 

Now that it's getting cold out, I need to get use to the treadmill.  That is not fun!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's Halloween, I almost forgot

I love Halloween!!!  I went trick or treating with the kids I babysit for.  I would have worn a costume except I didn't know I was going with them.  I am obviously too old to ask for candy but I have no problem walking around in a costume.

Every street in Manhattan is like a parking lot.  I have to say that everyone is doing a fantastic job to try and get things back to normal as quickly as possible.  Kudos to all of the workers.  My parents also got their power back today, so that makes me happy.

I'm hungry and I need to eat dinner, although I don't know what I want.  I think I want some veggies.

I saw the anorexic girl at the gym today (we use to chat when we'd see each other but I haven't seen her in a while).  Well, I have to say, she didn't look so anorexic anymore.  This is the reason why I do not want to "recover."  She was not fat by any means, she was actually normal, but I just like the really skinny look, so that's what I want to have.

Okay, I'm going to go make dinner.