Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Up and away

My sesh was pretty uneventful.  Before I even sat down Charro said "Starting in January..."  I stopped her and said, "Oh no, this isn't going to be good."  She said, "Sit down first.  I'm raising my fees to 10 dollars.  Is that going to work for you?"  I said, "Of course, I'm totally fine with 10 dollars."  She then corrected herself and told me that she's raising them ten dollars.  I knew that all along, but I was messing with her.  I said, "You know what's weird?  The other day I thought to myself, Charro's probably going to raise her fees soon."  WEIRD!

We talked about her going on maternity leave and how it's going to suck and how I have a "choice" to act disordered or not.  I don't think I do.

I have WIF on Friday.  It's been a while since I've stepped on that scale.  Maybe she'll stop weighing me soon.  This should be interesting.  Blah!  I want to be a stick.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

My feet are cold

The nice weather streak is over.  If only it could be 70 degrees all winter long, I would be ecstatic.  I did, however, just book a flight to Florida.  Sunshine and palm trees, here I a few months.  Booking that trip was just my deciding factor that I am not having surgery on my hip any time soon.  :)

I get to see my brother today.  He's flying in for the night and my sister is going to come into the city so we can all hang out.  We don't get to do that very much. 

My feet are cold.  I can't wait to get tan! :)  The only sad thing is that it's like a week before Charro goes on maternity leave, so I will miss that time with her, and it will probably be a time when I'm freaking out.  Maybe that wasn't such good timing.  Hopefully I'll get back and she'll be around for another week or two.  Those are going to be a long few months when she's gone.  I should have booked the trip while she was away.  What was I thinking?  Oh yeah, this flight was cheap! 

I'm feeling much better about my weight, even though it's still not down to where I'd like it to be.  I might actually be okay with where I am now.  WHAT!?  I know.  We'll see.

Monday, November 28, 2011

A "sort of" weighing

I had a good sesh with Charro.  I told her about all of my freakouts over the past few days.  I told her that I sort of weighed myself last night and that the only thing that kept me from weighing myself all the rest of the time was having to tell her that I weighed myself.  She asked me what I meant when I said I "sort of weighed myself."  I told her that I had just gotten out of the shower, had a towel on my wet hair and on my body and that I had to pee.  She came back with, "So does that mean it doesn't count when I weigh you in here because you're wearing clothes?"  I said, "No because it's a different scale.  I only weigh myself with nothing on at my scale which is why it didn't count when I weighed myself last night."  She didn't seem to understand that, but it made perfectly good sense in my head.

I had no energy, but my run to Charro's office went well.  It is just so nice out so it's kind of impossible to not love being outside right now.  It's 64 degrees at 6:30 PM on Nov. 28th.  What's better than that??  I'd be thrilled if it stayed like this all winter long.  I guess I won't be "thrilled."

I guess that's it.

Stable ankles

Ty Pennington drives me insane.  I can't stand him.

I almost broke both of my ankles this weekend.  Saturday, while running in the park, yesterday while playing field hockey.  I stepped on the ball and rolled my ankle.  Luckily I escaped both ankle rolls without injury.  I guess I have nice, "bendy" ligaments in there.  Flexibility baby.

I'm skipping the gym and running to Charro's.  It's less of a workout than I would do if I went to the gym and then walked there.  Whatevs.  My legs are pretty tired.

Tracey Gold's new show debuts on Friday night.  I cannot wait!!  She was just on GMA talking about it.  I'll be setting my DVR.  Is it wrong that I don't want to go out on Friday so I can watch this show?  Nah. 

Both my cats puked last night.  One was a hairball the other was because she drank too much water.  I then broke one of the cat's bowls this morning.  Hmm, now they don't have matching bowls and I don't know how I'll find one to fit into that little bowl holder.

I think my cold is moving into my chest.  Let's hope not.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I did it.  I shouldn't have, but I did.  I weighed myself and it was just as I suspected...BAD!!  I...I don't even know now.  I just want to never eat.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate getting fatter.  Charro is going to be so disappointed in me.  I kind of want to throw up, but I won't.  I feel that way a lot but I don't follow through with it.  I just feel that way.  I'm never going to get over this.  I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.  Fun stuff.  Is it possible that my wet hair weighed 2 pounds?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  :(


I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster the past few days.  I go from feeling fine about my body to feeling so disgustingly fat and nasty.  I haven't felt this way in a while.  I've stayed off the scale, somehow, but I don't know how much longer that can last.  I feel like I just need to weigh myself to feel better, or weigh myself to confirm that how I've been feeling about my body is correct.  It seems like a win win situation.  The only reason I haven't weighed myself is because I don't want to have to tell Charro that I weighed myself.

My eyes are dry, I need to take my contacts out.  Maybe I'll take a nap on my floor, in the sun, like a cat, with my cats before going to field hockey.  If I get lucky, I will see a beautiful sunset tonight, but it's getting cloudy so I don't know if that will be the case.  I'll have my camera, just in case!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I love this weather!

It's so freaking nice out.  I just went running in the park and it so beautiful out.  I wish it would stay like this all winter.  It's making it a little difficult to decorate for Christmas, but I've already started and now my apartment is a disaster, so I have to finish.

I almost busted my ankle on the path, which is not uncommon, but this time I felt it.  I'm fine though.  Good thing because I'd be stuck if I got hurt, although I'm sure someone would help me.

I have to take down my pumpkin lights outside.

I'm feeling better now than I was before.  That's a good thing.


I'll probably do that anyway

I really, really, really, REALLY want to weigh myself.  I know I won't like the number and if I don't like the number then I will just restrict, but let's be honest, I feel huge so I'm probably going to do that anyway. 

I have high hopes for my run, but I'm so out of running shape and I have a little cold, which isn't going to help.  I just have to push through everything and keep going even if I want to stop.

We went and got our Christmas tree yesterday.  We never go this early but my mom wants to put it up early this year.  My dad and I go cut it down every year, but this year my sis and nephews came.  I think we got a good one.  I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to our tree.  It needs to be tall and perfect.  Now I just have to get my tree for my apartment.  Not sure when that is happening.

Oh yeah, I did wake up last night starving but just ignored it.

Friday, November 25, 2011

I'll be running...

a lot tomorrow!!  I feel absolutely huge, disgusting, repulsive, like I want to puke, like I should run up the 40 flights of stairs in my building, fat!!!  I thought about doing the steps but then my legs would be shot for running tomorrow and field hockey on Sunday, so I'm not going to do that.  I'll do some abs and push-ups which won't really do much as far as burning calories, but whatever.  I hate feeling this way.  I need to weigh myself to see how fat I got.  Blah!  I hate this.

I'm so thirsty so I'm going to drink 8 million gallons of water.  I'll probably wake up starving at 3 AM again, like I did last night.

I'm so happy to be back with my kitties.  They didn't leave me any (visible) gifts.  I hope they didn't leave me any at all.

I'm going to try to get unfat this weekend.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving day done

Thanksgiving was nice.  I went to the gym for a while and while I was lifting weights I noticed that my hand was all bloody.  Somehow I sliced my finger (not badly) and didn't know it and there was blood everywhere.  I don't have any clue when it happened.  Weird.

I saw this woman who I can't stand.  We were sort of gym friends years ago and she happens to be a nutritionist who started doing body fat testing at my gym.  Well she did mine and that was a disaster, but that's not the point of the story.  She thinks that she is better than everyone because she has her PhD.  I'll never forget the time she referred to the grad students she was working with as "little peons."  I was so turned off by that.  They were doing their internships or whatever and that's what she called them.  Bitch.  Anyway, I don't know what happened, besides her calling me a "manipulative little bitch" to someone, that made me hate her.  I saw her today and avoided her because I can't be fake nice to her.  I'm sure she was watching me work out the entire time I was there.  I hope I don't see her tomorrow.  She always wears a hat to hide.  She's just so unfriendly.

Anyway, I'm tired and luckily don't feel disgustingly full.  I wasn't that hungry today...that is amazing, given my recent need to consume so much food over the past 10 days.  I hope that my hunger is gone because that was just ridiculous.

K, bedtime.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Anorexic Kate

I saw anorexic Kate at the gym today.  She is this girl whom I know from my town and gym.  We went to high school together, although she's younger than I am.  She knew who I was growing up but I didn't know her.  Anyway, she's anorexic.  She looks better than she did but she's still anorexic.  That really isn't the point of this.  Seeing her makes me feel like complete and utter crap.  She's skinny and all I can think about is how fat I am and how fat she must think I look.  I tried to hide in my sweatshirt when I saw her at the gym.  I'm sure she was thinking about how fat I looked.  I was embarrassed to be seen by her.  I felt like I was not good because I eat and not emaciated.  I know that being stick thin doesn't make me a good person, but apparently I feel like I'd feel better if I was a stick.  I think I need to take all of this to Charro with me on Monday.  It just made me feel like crap.

I got home and took a shower and looked 7 months pregnant.  I'm so grossed out by myself and I want to weigh myself and I'm not sure I can hold off on that.  I told Charro I wouldn't, but I told her that I wasn't sure I'd be able to stick to that commitment.  She said, "No weighing until WIF next week."  UGH, but I've been eating so much and I need to see how fat I've gotten.  I guess I'm gearing up for some big freak out or something.  Ugh, it's not even Thanksgiving yet, just wait until tomorrow when I feel 100 times worse!


A quick post before I head to the gym, even though I'd rather just cozy up on my parents couch in a nice warm blanket.  Charro told me a story this morning.  She said, "I woke up at 3 this morning and elbowed Lucy (her dog) because she was right behind me.  Then I looked and saw that it was Lukas (son).  He crawled out of his crib and into bed.  He didn't wake up when I elbowed him.  Lucy looked at me like, 'yeah, you always blame me.'  It was like he was spooning me."  Okay, I might have gotten that quote wrong, but I will get it right after I listen to my sesh.  I couldn't believe she said "spooning."  I almost died.  It was funny.  I love when she shares personal stories with me.  I said, "I was eating a banana at 3 AM because I woke up starving!"

K, I guess I should go do this whole workout thing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Good news

I don't have a tapeworm!!!  I just read that they actually make you lose your appetite rather than make you hungry.  Yay.  I would throw up if I had a tapeworm.  I'm going to make a doctor's appointment to have my thyroid checked.  I guess I'll be getting some bloodwork done.
I was gone from 7:30 AM to 8 PM today.  I feel bad leaving my kitties for 3 days and then I was gone all day today too.   I woke up to one of them puking, but I caught it on paper, and then the other one pooped on my bathroom rug...AGAIN!  Ugh. what is up with her.  Now I think she's going to poop everytime I don't have my eyes on her.

It's so gross and rainy out.  I have to walk to Charro's in the rain with all of my stuff in the morning.  Yuck!  Tonight I walked over the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade emblem on 34th street and would have taken a picture, but it was raining.  They're setting up for the parade.

I still have serious hunger issues going on. I am going to google tapeworms now.  I might vomit.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Good enough

Charro said today that she thinks my ED stems from me not thinking that I'm good enough.  Good enough for what, is the question?  I guess she's right, I never feel like I'm good enough, but does that mean I would not eat and want to be a stick because of that?  I don't know, maybe.  I never think I'm good enough, especially in sports.  I think I've written about this before, but who knows.  Even with all of the recognition and awards I got for sports, I still never felt/feel like I was good enough.  I always wanted to be better and believe that I should and could be better.

I still have this damn hunger situation going on.  I tried to explain it to Charro and she just thinks it's my ED talking.  It's really not.  It's some serious physical hunger.  I told her what I ate yesterday and she said, "That doesn't sound like a lot."  I said, "It is a ton for me, but it's not so much the amount of food it how my stomach feels.  It hurts because I'm so hungry and that's not normal."  She still didn't quite get it.

I'm drinking tea and now I'm hot.  I'll open my window.

I can't wait to go to bed.  I have to get up early and go to Long Island for work for the day.  I guess I'm not going to work out, which sucks because Tuesday is my running day.  I might have to go to the gym on Wednesday afternoon, which I usually don't do, but I can't take off two days in a row.  That's too crazy.

The other day Charro said I have a form of exercise bulimia.  I don't really agree with that.

Today she said that I'll always be skinny and have "an attractive, fit body."  I don't have an attractive body now.  Ha.

I don't know when I'm going to decorate for Christmas.  Hmmm.

Thanksgiving and EDs

I think I'm getting a cold. I'm fighting it off though.  I will win! :)

My sesh with Charro was fine.  We discussed Thanksgiving and EDs, ya know how that goes.  She said I have to be careful if I don't "freak out" as much as usual because then that might freak me out and cause me to go backwards.  I know what she means.  She said my walking is compulsive, but we've gone down that road many times before. 

Well, this is a boring post.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I told the lady I babysit for, who happens to be a doctor, how hungry, I mean starving, I have been over the past week.  She said that I should get my thyroid checked out.  That would make sense.  I have also been having heart palpitations, which I didn't know were a sign of hyperthyroidism, but now I do.  I don't think I have any other symptoms of that, but I'll keep my eyes open.  I should get a physical, but now is really not the time.  I'm busy.  Okay, that's an excuse, maybe I should make an appointment.  I'll probably wait this out to see what happens and I'll talk to Charro about it tomorrow.

My hip hurts.  I'm going to play field hockey because it's going to hurt regardless of what I do.  I made $50 babysitting for 90 minutes this morning. How fantastic is that??!  Awesome, I know.  I made $120 last night.  I love this babysitting gig. It's the best.

I can't help but think it would be sort of nice ot be able to eat whatever the hell I wanted and not gain a pound, if my thyroid was messed up. However, I don't really want to have a thyroid problem.  I could actually eat and lose weight, if that were the case.

Gotta get ready.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been absolutely starving for the past week.  It's an abnormal hunger.  My stomach will hurt because I'm so hungry and I don't get it.  I am not eating less by any means.  I'm probably eating more and I'm starving!  I woke up at 5:30 this morning and my stomach hurt because I was so hungry.  I had to get up and drink some milk.  I never do that.  What's going on?  Do I have a tape worm?  I just ate a big breakfast and I'm still starving.  WTH?  Grrr.  I've been having heart palpatations too.  Something weird is going on.

I need to get to the gym before the city of NY gets there and I can't get on a machine.

Friday, November 18, 2011

I've been WIFFED

I had WIF today.  I won't get weighed again for 2 weeks, which is very exciting.  Of course I'll probably weigh myself a few times before Charro weighs me again. I'm not supposed to, but I'm sure that I'll freak out and hop on the scale.  Charro would tell me that I have to not weigh myself and fight through that anxiety, but it's so much easier to just weigh myself and feel better or feel worse, at least I'll have an answer and know if I need to workout more and not eat or can just keep eating.  It's this horrific cycle, isn't it?  Maybe I should try harder to break it.

Today I was talking in this voice and Charro goes, "It sounds like you're doing pillow talk."  I thought that was pretty funny.  HA!

She didn't give me a hard time when she weighed me today.  I was 102 on her scale and she wants me to be 103 and I'm not allowed to go below 101, but I was in clothes, so I would have thought that she would have subtracted a few pounds and been more forceful about me gaining weight.  She just said, "Keep it going."  I think that's funny because I haven't gained any weight in a while and she keeps saying "keep it going."  At least she didn't tell me that I "have to gain."  I told her that I hate that and could she please say "gain weight" because I could take that as "gain wisdom, knowledge..."  LOL.  She said, "yeah, because I have you on this huge apparatus and I want you to gain wisdom."  LOL.

I'm sure I'm going to freak out on Thanksgiving.  I'll talk to Charro about that on Monday and Wednesday.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

WIF tomorrow

Well tomorrow is WIF, now isn't that thrilling?  I feel like I weigh 2000 lbs which might be a good thing for my weigh in because then Charro can't tell me that I need to gain weight.  I have to tell her how I hate when she says that I "have to gain" and that I would rather have her put the word "weight" at the end of it.  That sentence without the word weight is really annoying.  Maybe I'll weigh myself now.  As Charro would say, "Why not?"

I came home to cat shit on my bathroom carpet.  That's twice this week.  Awesome.  I know with little one did it too.  Hmm.  They're going to the vet next month.

I'm mad because I had to change  my hip appointment because of work.  Now I'm going two weeks later, which is really annoying because I was so anxious to go and find out what my deal was and if I need to have surgery.  Now I have to wait two more weeks to find out.  Argh.  I asked them to put me on the cancellation list, but who knows if that will happen.  Stink bombs!

I don't want to teach aerobics tonight.  Oh well.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A looong day

My day totally didn't turn out the way it was supposed to today, and it wasn't for the better, but it's okay.  It was what it was.

I'm home now and going to make my dad a birthday cake for his birthday tomorrow.

Yesterday I went running in the park and came home with a bloody toe, which I didn't know I had until I started taking off my nail polish and I felt the sting and then saw the blood.  Not sure why it was bleeding.  I iced my hip and took Ibuprofen after, it still hurts, but not a lot.

Charro and I agreed that we would do WIF every other week for now.  I think that's a good compromise.  Since she's leaving in Feb., I won't have many more WIFs left.  She's not going to be on Dec. 9th so I won't have WIF then either. :)  I'm sure she'll make it WIW though.  Who knows.

I weighed myself this morning.  Stupid scale!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


So Charro was sarcastically agreeing with me about something yesterday and her response to when I said whatever it was I said was, "Okey dokey smokaruni."  That's when I gave her a weird look and she said how that was "Lukas talk" (her son).  I laughed and said, "Well at least you made me Italian."  She comes up with some weird things sometimes, but it's always worth a good laugh.

Bye bye stoops

Bye bye stupid occupy Wall Street people.  You're outta here.  I hate stupid protesters.  So glad they got raided this morning and now aren't allowed to bring anything into the park.  Try sleeping outside when it's cold and rainy tomorrow.  Bye bye losers!

Charro called me something strange yesterday.  I don't remember what she called me, but I'll know when I listen to the tape.  It was funny.  I gave her a weird look and she realized that she did something weird.  I think she's just really comfortable with me, which is good, I'm glad she is.

I ran outside today, but nothing crazy, just around 4 miles.  I'm icing my hip and I just took Advil.  It's all good.

I think Charro and I will have to continue our discussion about getting weighed.  She's not going to weigh me until Friday, so no WIW tomorrow.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Worth watching

I just watched Diane Sawyer's interview with Congresswoman Gabby Giffords.  If you're on the west coast and happen to read this, watch it.  It's incredibly inspirational!!  If you missed it, I'm sure you can find it on the ABC website somewhere.

I'm hungry.  I didn't eat enough today, but it wasn't on purpose.  Now it's late and there's nothing that I'm really in the mood for. I just want to brush my teeth and go to bed, so that's probably what I'll do.  Ugh, I have to empty the litter box!

Not sure if WIW/WIF is really ending

I don't think this will be the end of WIW/WIF.  Charro said today, "We can make next week the last week."  I thought, hmm, she said that last week about this week.  I don't think it's really going to come to an end.  She says we can stop if I'll be honest with her, but if I don't weigh myself than I won't be lying or being honest.  I can't tell her my weight if I don't know it.  Like I've said before, she's going to weigh my randomly, which will totally suck, and I'm guessing that if I lose weight, she will start weighing me ever week again.  This is why I don't think WIW/WIF is really going to come to an end.  I'll talk more with her about that on Wednesday.

I had a good sesh today.  She said I seemed down or something today, like something was bothering me or something.  I said, "I do?"  She said, "Yes" and I don't remember what else she said about it. 

My hip was bothering me a lot today on my walk down there.  I need to get up and take some ibuprofen.  I just got home and came and sat down.  I should ice it too.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Penguin Palooza

I am slightly obsessed with Penguin Palooza on National Geographic Wild.  Been watching it all weekend.  I heart penguins.

(I have no idea why or how my title is a different color.  I didn't change anything.  Weird)

Rolls...not tootsie

I saw my fat rolls while I was teaching aerobics.  It made me want to vomit.  Ugh...fat rolls!  I need to hide myself in even baggier clothes for the rest of my life.

Baking fool

The pumpkin bread is in the over.  I made a cake yesterday and pumpkin bread this morning. I'm going to eat them all. Actually, I'm taking them to a party so they're not for me. 

I feel, and feel like I look 20 weeks pregnant.  I'm going to teach aerobics and play field hockey today, so I'll get a workout.  I can only play for an hour because I have to go to this party.  I don't think I'll really get sweaty so I'm just going to do a quick change, though I'm not sure where I'm going to do that, and head over there.  This should be interesting.  Maybe I'll pop some Advil before I play to reduce the inflammation in my hip.

I'm going to try, try I say, to not weigh myself until Friday, before I get weighed by Charro.  I hope she doesn't switch it and weigh me on Wednesday, but I don't think she will.  I still can't believe this is going to be our last scheduled WIF.  I know I'm going to freak out every Wednesday and Friday, wondering if she's just going to spot weigh me.  That might actually cause a problem for me because I'll end up weighing myself on Weds. and Fri. to make sure that I weigh enough in case she weighs me.  If I don't she's going to go back to weighing me all the time.  Either that or she'll just get so frustrated with me that she'll fire me.

I'm kind of nervous about what's going to happen when she goes on maternity leave.  I'll be seeing Steph, but still, it's not the same. I loved working with Steph when I did that study, and I know she's good, but this is going to be different.  Plus, I will only be seeing her once a week, which might be challenging because I don't know if I can really stick to the plan (Not so much a plan, but not weighing myself and not eating less and working out more).  It might be hard.  Oh well, it will be what it is.  It will be a hell of a lot harder if I have to have hip surgery.  Ugh...

My cats are sleeping so cutely (made up word) right now.  My little boy has his back paw on me.  He looks so content.

I'm starting to smell the pumpkin bread.  My apartment will smell yummy.  I bet the hallway smells yummy too.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Hungry, tired, aching hip

My hip is neither hungry nor tired, just aching.  I am hungry and tired.  I feel like I've been eating non-stop for the past two days, but most of what I've eaten has been fruits, veggies and other forms of fiber (beans and fiber one).  I'm thinking that at some point in time, hopefully while I'm in the comfort of my own apartment, it's going to make it's way out.  I'll feel like I've lost 5 pounds after that, which is always nice. 

I was planning on writing more but I all of a sudden got really tired so I'm going to go to bed.  I should finish up about my hip though.  I had to stand while I was babysitting because sitting was hurting, not so much hurting, my hip.  I was just really uncomfortable.  I just want to stretch the heck out of it but the doctor told me to avoid stretching it.  Ugh, less than a month until I see him.  Let's hope it doesn't get worse.  I need to see a doctor who is not a surgeon because my doc will just want to do surgery.  I'll have to go get a second opinion from a non-surgeon.

Bed time!
I'm going to go to the gym at 11 so I can watch The Closer.  I didn't get to go this morning because I was working.  I walked by the gym on my way back and it was pretty packed, so I'm hoping it's less packed when I go.  I hate Saturday mornings at my gym because you literally can't get on a machine.  I get there early enough so I don't have that problem, but people literally wait in line for machines, which I would find highly annoying and would not waste my time doing.  I thought about going for a run outside, for a very brief second, and then the wind blew and I decided that it is way too cold out for that.  Plus, that probably wouldn't be good for my hip.  Not that running on the treadmill is all that better, but I'm going to attempt that again today.  Yesterday I didn't last too long because my head was pounding so I moved over to the elliptical.  My hip still hurts but it's never not going to hurt so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing.

I started to think about what would happen if I had to have hip surgery and had a mini freakout inside.  I'm going to try not to think about that.  Ugh! 

I stayed off the scale last night.  I wanted to weigh myself but I didn't get on.  I also wanted to make myself puke yesterday afternoon because I got home from the gym and ate a bunch of crap, including some not so good pineapple and then felt disgusting, as in sick, not fat and disgusting.  I wanted to puke because I thought I'd feel better but I didn't because I don't think I should mess with that.  Plus,  I didn't feel well enough to drink all that water to help me do it.  Basically it was going to be used as a way to make me feel better physically and not mentally.  It wasn't an "I feel fat" feeling, it was a "I feel like I'm going to puke feeling so I want to just do it."  I took advil and laid on the couch for a little bit and both my headache and pukey feeling went away in time for my company to come over for dinner.

I guess that's my life in a nutshell, so thrilling, I know

I have to make sure my weight is the same or up on Friday so I can really have this be my last WIF.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hoses, running, bleeding and butts

I'm about to hit the gym.  I don't really feel like going.  I feel kind of gross.  I have a headache, my stomach feels weird, no energy, ya know, lovely female stuff.  I'm just waiting now, but I know it's coming.

I'm going to run a little, very little, like 2 miles, because my hip still hurts from running on Tuesday.  I think I overdid it on Tuesday.  I all of a sudden have tendonitis in my knee.  Whoops!  Then I'll hop on the elliptical.

Good news, I only have to stick my meds up my butt every other day now.  :)  Yay.  I have to call the doc in a month, and if things are going well, then I get to taper off to every three days.  I have to be symptom free though.  Hopefully that will be the case.

I hate not knowing when my uterus is going to start falling out.  I wish it was like clockwork, but that's never the case.  I'm usually 10 days late.

I all of a sudden feel like I have a scratch on my face.  Weird.

My new vacuum hose better come today because I really, really need to vacuum.  It's been 7 days.

One more WIF

Can it really be true?  Charro said that next Friday will be our last WIF.  I don't believe it.  I know she's still going to "spot" weigh me every now and then, which could be a little scary because it will catch me totally off guard.

I think that's it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I guess that's over with

I guess I'm not dating that guy anymore.  I haven't heard from him since the wedding I took him to almost two weeks ago.  Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.  I'm probably better off because he seemed to have a lot of baggage, ya know, ex-wife and a kid.  I'm not upset, a little disappointed that he just dropped off the face of the earth instead of telling me, "Hey, I've got too much going on right now," or "I'm not interested."  Whatever.  I told myself that if he didn't call tonight, then he's never going to call, so that's definitely it.

I am sort of cold but don't want to make tea.  I guess if it didn't require me getting up, I would do it.  Ha!  I'm thirsty.

My hip hurts.  Oh well.

CMAs and sticks

I watched the CMAs last night.  That was great for me, since most of the singers are two pounds.  They all look so skinny and it made me just not want to eat.  Blah!  I want to be stick thin like that.  It was a good show though.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


I did not have WIW today.
To that I say, hip hip hooray.
Now we'll have to wait for WIF.
Colder weather, more clothes, ain't that terrif.

My hip hurts from running yesterday, but not that badly.  I think the cortisone shot helped but I won't be getting anymore of those.  I haven't been in as much pain since I got the shot, and it's definitely worn off by now because I got it two months ago.

I really don't know why Charro has to weigh me every week.  What does she thinks going to happen in a weeks time?  I really don't know.

The weather is still gorg out.  Tomorrow it won't be.  I will enjoy today. 

I really need some sort of waterproof boot and rainboots give me blisters, so those are out of the question.  I tried on a really comfy pair of boots the other day, but they were too big and it as the smallest size they make. Bummer.  So I shall keep looking.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Perfect park day

It was so beautiful today.  I went to the park and ran.  I had high aspirations, which didn't really happen.  I had planned on running two laps in this one area, but by the time I got there (1.4 miles), I was already tired. Haha.  So I thought, Okay, I'll just run one lap around and then run back home.  That will be almost 4.5 miles.  So I ran the first lap and was dying.  I went up to the Reservoir to get a drink of water and decided that I would run a little bit of that and then cut out and head home.  I guess I was more warmed up by that time and decided to run the whole loop, it's only 1.55 miles.  Then I thought, I'll just walk the rest of the park and then walk home.  Well, then I decided to run to the outside of the park and then walk home.  Well, I never ended up walking, I just ran the whole way, which was good.  The weather was PERFECTO!!!  So, I was wiped after, but I felt good.  It was a little under 6 miles, the longest I've run outside in a long time.  My hip doesn't feel so great, but I'm icing it and I took an Ibuprofen.  I read the directions and it said to just take one.  Whoops, I've been taking two.  No wonder why the pain went away for a good 24 hours last time I took them.  :)


I'm not sure what it's going to be this week.  Charro said she'll just weigh me when she feels like it and switch it up.  I think that might make me nervous.  I don't know if I'll like this so I may have to just go back to picking a day and having her do it on that day.  I'll be ready for WIW, in case she weighs me tomorrow.  If she doesn't weigh me tomorrow, I know she's going to weigh me on Friday. That makes it easy.

I'll get weighed on Thursday, when I go to the doctor.  I don't mind that.  The funny thing is that I try to weigh as little as possible when I go to the doctor, but try to weigh more when I get weighed by Charro.  None of my docs know about my ED, so I don't worry about getting weighed by them. 

This is what Charro said to me yesterday, after I said, "I don't care what day you weigh me.  I don't care if I'm down or up."  (Okay, I care if I'm up).  She said, "Well you have to be up.  You just have to start eating more, and consistently, and not working out as much. Can you just do that please?  And then your brain will follow. I assure you, and then you will have a better life."  I liked that statement, it was like she knew what she was talking about. ;)

It's a beautiful morning

We're having beautiful weather lately.  It's going to come to an end after tomorrow, which is a sad thing.  I'm going to get out and enjoy it today though.  I'm going to go for a run in the park.  This will be my first run in the park in a long time.  Let's see how it goes.  Hopefully I won't get too bored or die.  My problem is that I don't pace myself and I run too fast and then I don't feel like running anymore.  It's nice out!  YAY!!

My vacuum broke.  You know how I love vacuuming, so I hope my new piece comes today.  That would be fantastic!!  The hose broke in half and I was vacuuming with the hand part and was wondering why it wasn't sucking anything up and why it felt so light.  Then I looked back and saw that the hose was not connected because it broke in half.  I taped it back together.  Ha!

So I shall run.  I shall buckle down and do lots of work today.  I shall attend a work meeting later in the day.  That's it folks.

Good news, my cat hasn't puked yet today, but the day is young.  He's puked the past two mornings.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Talking TT

I had a good sesh with Charro.   I told her all about TT (My friend who was here this weekend) and she was kind of surprised by everything.  She said that it seemed like I handled myself well and that I said some very wise things.  I also told her how TT told me how she didn't think that I had an eating disorder and how she said that what I do "seems pretty normal."  Charro didn't like that, nor did I.  We both discussed that some more and agreed on what we had said, which I can't really remember right now.  She was pretty shocked that TT is a therapist.  She said something about her not being a good one, or something.  Oh yeah, Charro said that I'd make a good therapist.  LOL!!!  I cracked up, but she was kind of serious.  She said I could work with ED people when I'm all recovered.  Um, no thanks!  Like I'd ever want to deal with people like me.  Ha.

Charro came out to get me and the first thing she did was tell me how hot it was in her office.  She was so funny.  She was going on and on about it, probably because she complains about it all of the time and I complain about (as does she) how cold it is in the summer with the AC.  She kept turning the fan on, which was right next to her head, too.  I told her that I thought she was so hot because she was pregnant.  It was hot in there, but then the AC kicked on and that help but she was still hot. Oh yeah, and the sun was beaming in so we shut the blinds and then it was pretty dark and kind of funny.  It was just strange in that office today.

It felt really good to talk to her about all of the TT (my friend) stuff though.
I guess I should get my day started.  I don't really feel like it.

My cat puked everywhere this morning.  He puked yesterday too.  I don't know what's wrong with him.  Then, he tries to lick my fingers after.  Um, NO!

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Talk about disordered

My friend just left.  She is so freaking eating disordered, it's not even funny.  I did not know this going into her visit.  I can't even begin to explain.  She has to bring her own yogurt and apple with her and she won't eat anything else.  She freaked out (not with me, but she told me this) when she was at work and was starving and sucked on a mint.  She's passing this all down to her daughter and doesn't realize any of it.  I tried so hard to make her see it but she does thinks she's "being healthy."  She's definitely so far from "being healthy" that it's not even funny.  And no, I'm not jealous of her for starving herself.  Her argument is that she's not underweight at all.  My argument is that she's lost like 40 pounds in 8 months and restricts the way she does.  She will eventually be underweight.  Whatever.  I'm just glad she's gone so I don't really have to think about it.  I'm going to go to the gym, take a nap and then babysit.  That's my day.

Friday, November 04, 2011

I hate when that happens

It's always great when you leave your sesh feeling worse than you did before you went.  I hate when that happens.  Charro asked me when I last weighed myself, and I couldn't lie, I said "Yesterday, at home."  She asked what the number was.  Apparently, for this answer, I could like because I did.  I said, "My scale at home is 2 pounds less than it should be." (That's the truth).  She asked again what the number was and I said, "100."  That was a lie.  Then she weighed me and told me that I have to keep "gaining."  I hate when they just say "gaining" instead of "gaining weight."  I'd rather she say "weight" because just saying "gaining" bothers me because it reminds me of the movie "Secret Between Friends."  Then Charro went onto say something about how I shouldn't try and dress in heavier clothes to mess with the number.  I said, "If I was doing that, I would have worn a heavier sweatshirt."  I think she thought I was being bratty when I said that, but I didn't mean it in a snide way.  This just sucks.  I'm sick of it.  I just want to not gain weight and to not have to get weighed anymore.

I have to get ready to go get my friend.  I didn't make it to the gym but I can go tomorrow afternoon instead, I guess.  I will run down to the train station, which isn't that far.  That's less than 2 miles, but whatever.  We'll walk around a lot today.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

This is my brain

I do not like going to teach aerobics when I'm feeling very fat.  I stand in front of the class and feel like they're all looking at me and thinking to themselves how fat I've become.  In reality (maybe), they're looking at themselves in the mirror trying to make sure they're doing things correctly and not making idiots out of themselves.  That being said, I still feel like they're all looking at me and thinking how fat I am.

One girl who always takes my class is getting married in a few months.  She said how she wants to lose a few pounds.  Then she said to me, "You've never had to worry about losing weight."  If only she knew what happened inside of my head. 

I have to think of something really good to talk about with Charro tomorrow.  I have to keep telling her how fat I am because I'm sure she's pretty sick of hearing it.  I'm pretty damn sick of feeling this way, so it makes sense.

My friend TT is coming to visit tomorrow.  I told her about my ED last month.  She's going to want to talk about this, that's for sure.  She's also a therapist, not an ED one though.  This should be interesting, that's all I'll say. 

I'm not really sure how I'm going to fit in a workout before gets here tomorrow.  I have Charro in the morning.  If I rush back here and go straight to the gym, I can work out for maybe 30-45 minutes, which isn't enough.   I am meeting her at the train station, which is about 1.5 miles from me.  I could run there after working out, but then I'll need to shower while she's here, which is kind of rude, although maybe she'll understand, given my circumstances.  I think that's what I'll do, I'll go to the gym and run for 45 minutes and then run to the train station.  I think we're walking back from there, which means I'll get a lot of activity in.  I'm walking to Charro's and back, which is 2.6 miles total, then running at the gym, then to the train station and back, and then we'll probably walk all over the city.  That's good, I need to wear myself out so if I don't get to work out on Saturday, I won't feel so bad.  Wow, I didn't expect all of that to come out in this post.  See how my brain works.

Forever your girl

I was watching the X Factor last night and noticed how skinny (yes, I'm jealous) Paula Abdul is.  I know she was bulimic back in the day, but there must be something going on now because she is a twig.  I think she looks good.  I want her arms.  Speaking of "wanting arms," I told Charro that I want her arms.  I told her that she's a stick and I wanted her arms.  I'm sure she loved that.

So yeah, Paula is a twig and I want to be that tiny.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Broken record

I told Charro that I sound like broken record when I'm talking to her lately, which makes her sound like a broken record.  I did add a few songs to the play list.  They include:  "I want to lose weight," "I want to work out more," and "I want to eat less."  So now I have four songs on my broken record.  The first one is "I feel so fat."

I get weighed on Friday.  WIF, if you will.  No WIW because I made her change it because I hate stressing about catching the train after I get weighed.  It was fine for a few months because I wasn't going home on Wednesdays, but now that I'm back to my normal schedule, we moved WIW to WIF.

I'm making applesauce so I must go stir the apples.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

"I'm disastrous"

I wore my wig and fake lashes to Charro's yesterday.  She kept calling me "lady."  She laughed because she said "I don't know why I keep calling you lady.  I think it's the wig.  It doesn't look like you so I keep thinking there is this lady in here."  I said, "I know, you usually call me 'Missy.'"

Charro was on cold medicine yesterday, so it was pretty funny.  She kept pulling off her hair from various places and throwing them on the ground, which usually grosses her out when others do it.  At one point she goes, "I'm like shedding.  I'm kind of a disaster today, it's the cold medicine.  Aren't I?"  I said, "Yes."  Then I said, "You're not as disastrous as you feel.  Except for the hair situation.  You have that big knot thing going."  She goes, "What is the deal, I condition this area.  It's genetic.  Hahaha."  (she had this big knot in her hair one day that she was working at one day.  It was funny.
My cat is sitting on me, like usual.  She loves me. 

I'm feeling so fat lately and I can't stand it.  Charro keeps telling me that I have to "talk to myself" but I really hate that answer.  I don't do that.  She said, "In reality you are not fat."  I said, "In my reality I am."  She said, "That's why I'm here to tell you that you are not!"  Okay, thanks Charro but I don't really think I believe you.  I might have a mental breakdown, not really, when she is on maternity leave.

It makes it really hard to type when I can't see the screen because there is a cat head in my way. :)  She's definitely a lap cat!!!

I need to clean my apartment because I have a friend staying with me Friday night.  I'll be gone tomorrow and Thursday, so I have to do the cleaning today.  I have to do laundry too.  My place is pretty clean, I just need to vacuum and put some things away.

Halloween was fun.  I love getting dressed up. 

I want to lose 3 pounds!