Friday, September 30, 2011

I get to play

I'm playing lacrosse tomorrow.  I haven't played in 10 years so this should be incredibly interesting.  Let's also mention the fact that I'm totally out of shape.  I was out of running shape before I was even told that I couldn't run for 4-6 weeks.  So now, I haven't run in a week and I'll probably die tomorrow.  There's a good chance that I might regret playing in this game, at some point in time.  I'm not supposed to do any high impact stuff for 4-6 weeks and I blew that last Sunday by playing field hockey and I'm going to really blow it again by play lax tomorrow and maybe field hockey on Sunday.  Not good, I know, and I should probably listen to the PA, but it's my alumni game and then I have another one next weekend.  I must play.  I love it too much not to.  I'm already convinced that the tear is not going to heal itself and that I'll have to have surgery so I might as well just do what I want to do while I can.  I am truly going to freak out and die when I can't work out for 12 weeks.  Lord help me, please!!!


I am watching the Brady Bunch.  I can't wait to go to sleep.

Bad mood again

I left my sesh with Charro in a bad mood again today.  I know why I left in a bad mood on Wednesday, but I'm not sure why I left in a bad mood today.  I'm hoping that it will go away because the sun is FINALLY out and I am going to go up on the roof for a little bit and enjoy the last day of summer. 

I tried to explain to her the colitis situation but I still don't think she gets it.  I tried to tell her that I get scared to eat when I'm having "issues," if I'm not going to be home, for obvious reasons.  She just keeps telling me that I need to eat "foods that are good for me."  I tried to tell her that it doesn't matter, whatever I eat causes the same problem and if I lose weight it's not my fault.  She just doesn't agree with that and doesn't get it.  I take my medicine and try to eat things that I know won't bother me, what more can I do?  I think that really just pisses me off that I feel like she doesn't get it.

My little guy is playing with his blue mouse.  He's cute. :)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Soup's not a meal

I just made some minestrone soup.  It's going to get cold tomorrow and I know that soup will be fantastic when I get home from practice.  Charro likes when I cook, but I'm guessing when I tell her that I made minestrone soup she'll ask me what I'm going to eat with it.  Why, soup's not enough food?  It's got pasta, veggies and beans in it, so that seems like a meal to me.  Charro doesn't think anything I eat is a meal.

This not doing any high impact activity for 4-6 weeks may not last.  I can't stand it.  I don't know if it's working anyway because I got the cortisone shot.  My hips hurts a tad, so I think it might be wearing off, but still, I just want to run around and do things.  I guess I'll know more this weekend after I play lacrosse and possibly field hockey.  I won't even be going a week with no high impact because I played hockey on Sunday.  I figure, if I just play field hockey, then I'm not really running the rest of the week and if I'm not jumping rope, than it's okay too.  We'll see.  I've read that labral tears don't heal on their own anyway, but I guess it's the inflammation that causes the pain, I don't really know.  My doctor was not very good at communicating things with me, which is annoying.  I'm going in there with 500 questions when I see him next.

It really bothers me that Charro doesn't understand that it's very scary to eat when you're having a colitis flare up.  She just keeps telling me to "eat more," which is really annoying.  I don't want to "eat more" if I'm not going to be home for several hours, besides, eating more just means going to the bathroom more, so it doesn't make me gain weight.  She blames me when I lose weight when it's not me, it's the colitis.  I can't control that.  I need to try and make her understand that tomorrow, which she won't because I've tried before.
I ran into an ED therapist on the street yesterday.  I only know who she is because she was on one of those ED TV shows.  This is the second time I saw her.  She was going into her apartment, so now I know where she lives.  Ha!  I won't be hanging around there eating lunch.

Seriously, the sun has not been out this entire month.  I'm going to lose my mind.

Ew, I smell garlic.  YUCK!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Shit on AGAIN!!?? Seriously!

A fucking pigeon shit on my head on my way to Charro's this morning.  I didn't know it was shit, I thought it was a water droplet from something, because that happens a lot here.  So, I'm sitting in her office and she goes, "What's that behind you on the wall?  A dead bug?"  I look and say, "No, it looks like bird shit."  A few seconds pass and I say, "Oh, I felt something fall on my head on my way here but I thought it was water." (as I'm touching my hair).  On my hand, a huge fucking poop.  So I did what every normal person would do, and freaked out.  She told me to go in the bathroom, so I did.  I put my head in this tiny little sink like they do when you get your hair cut, and turned the water on.  I was not happy.  This is the THIRD time in less than a year.  WTF??  So then, I asked Charro if she would have assisted me in the shit removal and she kind of said no.  I was like, "What!  You wouldn't have assisted me in taking it out?"  She said, "What did you want me to do, go in and scrub your hair for you?"  I said, "No, but I would have wanted you to take the shit out of my hair for me because I can't see the back of my head."  She said, "I think you could handle it on your own."  The conversation continued and I started to get pissed because I realized that she wouldn't have helped me when I needed her to help me.  I said, "In all fairness, I did not ask you for your help, but you wouldn't have helped me."  She said, "I don't know if I would have," which just led to a big discussion on what she would actually help me with and if I could trust that she would help me when I needed help.  I really don't know if she would have taken the shit out of my hair with a tissue and that bothers me.  It's not like I was asking her to do anything personal.  She said, "I wouldn't help a collegue. I would just tell them where it is.  We're (co-workers) not best friends"  I said, "I would expect anyone to help someone with that.  I know if I asked one of my players to get it, they would have."  I can't believe that she wouldn't just pick shit out of someone's hair.  I would actually help a stranger, if they came up to me on the street and said, "a bird just shit in my hair.  Here's a tissue, can you get it out?"  Yes, I would help!  Geez, I'm really fired up about this.  Obviously it's not about the shit, I'm now questioning Charro's willingness to help me in different situations.  There were no boundary issues there.  I said, "So if I fell on the street would you keep walking or stop and help me?  What if my knee was bleeding really badly, you'd probably just say, 'oh, get a bandaid, and walk away.'"  Wow, I'm really pissed.

So I had WIW.  I had a lot of clothes on, more than I needed.  She doesn't care that I've been pooping out a lot of my food these days.  She just tells me that I "need to eat more."  Fine, whatever, it's just going to come out of me.  She doesn't get it.  She said, "I took off your clothes."  I said, "You took of my clothes?"  I knew what she meant.  Whatever, I don't weigh enough for her and she tells me that I need to keep eating.

I need to go to the gym and work out my anger.  It would be great if I could run because I would run it off.  Grrr!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday runday

Monday's are busy days for me right now, and that's okay.  I'm pretty much non-stop from morning until 10 PM.  It's all good. 

My sesh with Charro was fine.  I had a lot to tell her since I didn't see her on Friday.  I told her to go easy on me on WIW because I think I lost weight since I've been having GI issues since Friday.  I said, "Please don't be mean."  I didn't really mean "mean" but I couldn't think of the right word so I just said "mean."  I told her not to blame me because it's not my fault, and it really isn't.  I can't control when my UC is going to act up and when food becomes a bit of an enemy.  Like tonight, I was scared to eat dinner because I was going to be on a train for 2 hours and didn't want to have any issues.  I ate dinner and was okay, but still, the night is young.  I ate less than two hours ago.

Tomorrow's another long day.  I'm babysitting when I get back to NY tomorrow night.  I'll get to see the cute cat that I watched last month.  I love that cat. :)

I guess that's it.  I hope Charro is easy on me on WIW.  I hope she understands that I can't help it if I've lost weight.  Actually, I know I lost weight because I weighed myself this morning because I was pretty sure I had lost weight.  There's not much I can do about it, sparing you the details.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Ew, another dream

I had another crazy, not fun dream last night.  I dreamt that I was at an ED meeting, but it was outside in the city, at night.  My friend Beaches was running the meeting, which was weird because she had nothing to do with eating disorders.  I was sitting next to a few girls on the ledge of a wall or something, across from Beaches, and there were chairs set up off to the right side, but we're I was sitting the people over there couldn't really see me, which is why I was sitting there.  Well, my entire family was at the meeting and I did not want to look at them or anything.  I knew they were there, but I didn't want them to know anything, so I didn't talk.  I didn't speak the entire meeting.  At one point Beaches passed around a letter that we had to read and then we had to sign the white board that she passed along with it, to agree to following the terms on the letter.  Well, I refused to sign it.  I thought about signing it just so my parents would think I was on board with this whole thing, but I didn't.  I think the girl next to me might have scribbled my name on there. 

Anyway, I got annoyed and got up and walked away and tried to hide when Beaches went inside to do something.  I went over by a statue and kind of just hung out there, keeping a low profile because I didn't want to be found or bothered.  Well, Beaches found me and came over to talk to me.  I can't really remember what our conversation was, but it was ED related.

Onto real life, I went out with that guy again last night and we went to a festival downtown.  I ran into two of my college roommates, one on the subway and one at the festival.  I was SO excited to see the one at the festival because we're still good friends.  The other one lives on my block.  Ha.  Anyway, we went to dinner and walked around.  He and I walked uptown a bit before going our separate ways.  Well, I started getting horrible stomach pains and thought I was going to have to plop a squat on the side of the street.  It was that bad, thank you colitis!  I was like, "I need to find a Starbucks."  Well, but that time I was feeling a little better, but it was coming and going and I thought I was seriously gonna die.  I couldn't be like, "I really have to go to the bathroom or I'm going to crap my pants."  Not so much.  So I got a little quiet, hopefully he didn't notice, then we finally went our separate ways and I got home just in time!!  UGH!  It was awful!!!  There was no where for me to go while we were walking because there were no restaurants.  THANK GOD I survived.

I'm playing field hockey today.  I'll try not to jump around while I teach aerobics, running at field hockey, I can't help.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Doctor's note

I just got an email from the PA from my doctor's office.  She said that I "should try to avoid high impact activities or any excessive hip stretching  and modify activity for 4-6 weeks.  That could cause healing"  Hmm, that's great if it could heal and I could avoid surgery, but I don't know if I can avoid the high impact stuff.  AHHHHH!!  No running for 4-6 weeks.   Not that I enjoy running, but I need to do it.  Effers. 


Gym blues

I don't know why, but I have not felt like going to the gym lately.  I wish I was all gung-ho (is it gun or gung?  I like gung) about it, but I'm not.  I'm going to go in a few minutes and hop on the treadmill.  Who knows how long that's going to last for.

I ran to Charro on Monday and my hip hurt that night.  It also hurt a little bit last night while I was teaching class.  I guess the cortisone shot is starting to wear off a little.  We'll see how it feels after I run today.

Seriously, I need to get over these gym blues and be excited to go work out.  Okay, new frame of mind...I have to enjoy it now because if I have to have hip surgery, I won't be able to do anything for 12 weeks (shoot me now), so I will go to the gym and I will enjoy it and I will appreciate me ability to work out.  There, new outlook on things.  I like it.  I'll have to tell Charro that one.  She won't like it as much as I do.  I think I need to kick up my cardio and ab workout a bit. 

Okay, guess I should go.  I would normally be at Charro's right now.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I think I'll slip

I kind of have a feeling that Charro's maternity leave is not going to be good for me.  I have a feeling that I'm going to start weighing myself a lot again, and who knows what else.  I'll be seeing Stephanie, but only once a week, which is going to be hard.  I am not seeing Charro tomorrow because she has something else going on and I really fee like weighing myself.  Is it connected, who knows?  I'll probably weigh myself tomorrow because I feel huge, if I don't end up stepping on B-2 tonight.

In other news, I'm digging the X-Factor, but not the weird cell phone noise that has been in the background on Fox for the past 5 days.  What is that and does anyone else hear it?  I heard it during the Emmy's.  SO ANNOYING!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Empty your pockets

Charro made me empty my pockets before I got on the scale today.  This is a new one.  I was wearing a jean jacket and I had my wallet and phone in it, but she made me take that off.  I wasn't trying to pull a fast one on her with the stuff in my jacket, I just didn't carry a bag with me so I put stuff in my pockets.  Anyway, she goes, "What's in your pockets?"  I said, "A lot of stuff."  She said, "Take it out."  I said, "But I'm not wearing my jacket."  I didn't know she meant in my pants.  So I said, "It's just chapstick" and she told me to take it out, so I did and I showed her and she said, "What about the other pocket?"  I said, "There's nothing in there, see!"  She said, "What about in the back, it looks like there's something going on in there, but I'm not going to pat you down."  I said, "No, they're just saggy, see.  I have a tissue in there, see."  So, that was that.  I wasn't at the weight she wanted me to be at but I was higher than I was last week.  She told me to "Keep on going" and then told me that I should eat something, but I forgot what she said I should eat.  Hmm, I'll have to listen.


So, that was that.  No Charro on Friday because she has a conference or something.  Back to normal on Monday.  I'll see her three times, like I usually do.


My friend got me addicted to Starbucks because we can get free refills on tea.  Well, I'm going to go get one now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Ew, WIW

I am not looking forward to WIW tomorrow because if I'm not up two pounds then I don't know what's going to happen.  I was the same weight for 6 weeks, one weigh in and all hell breaks loose?  That's not how it should be.  I'll try and convince her of that but I don't think she'll buy it.  At least I'll be free of WIW for 4 months because when Charro comes back to work she won't be at the office with the scale. :)  I guess that's a few months away so I shouldn't think about it yet.

Charro is really looking pregnant now.  It's quite obvious.  Everything it bigger on her.

My eyes are burning.  My dad just fried eggplant.  I'm going to get on the train smelling like a fryalator.  I don't know how to spell that.

I see Charro tomorrow, but not on Friday.  I hate not having that Friday sesh (it was only last week and this week).  How much is it going to suck when I don't see her at all, and then when I only see her once a week when she gets back from maternity leave.  That sucks!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I'm looking forward to seeing Charro tomorrow.  I feel like I have a lot to talk to her about, since I didn't see her on Friday.  I won't see her again this Friday because she has a conference.  I told my friend that I have an appointment tomorrow, but I didn't tell her what it's for, though I'm sure she'll ask.  I don't know what I'll say.  I think I'll run down there too, instead of going to the gym, or maybe I'll do both. 

My friend is out shopping so I'm chilling.  She should be home in a bit though.  She's going to want dinner but we had a late lunch so I'm not hungry.  I'm done eating for tonight, I think.  She goes home tomorrow and I can't wait to clean my apartment, though I won't get a chance because I leave tomorrow night to go home and won't get back here until Tuesday night.

Not looking forward to WIW.  It's not even going to be cold, which makes me happy, which means I won't be wearing more clothes to help increase my weight.  I was counting on cold weather, because it's cold now, but it's going to be hot on Wednesday.

Out of hiding

I put my scale back in the bathroom last night.  Of course I couldn't put it back in there without getting on it.  Actually, that was my reason for putting it back in the bathroom.  I do have to admit, it was nice to have that extra floor space while it wasn't in there.  Anyway, I weighed myself because I felt like I ate a lot and I needed to see if I gained 50 pounds.  I did not, and was pleasantly surprised by my weight.  Oh well, I just need to make sure I weigh enough on WIW so I don't get sent to a nutritionist.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Hiding the scale

I thought about putting my scale under my bed while my friend is here, not to hide it from her because I don't care that it's out, but to give her more room in the bathroom for her stuff and so I wouldn't be tempted to weigh myself.  Well, I didn't do it because I thought it would be weird to move it after she had already been here for two days.  I haven't weighed myself though.  I've been doing well with the not weighing thing, but I do weigh myself before I go in for WIW.  I need to know what I weigh before I get weighed by Charro.

I've been slacking on the working out a bit, but I'll run at practice today with the girls, or before, if I have time.  I just don't feel like going to the gym this morning.  I guess I really haven't been slacking, but it feels like I have. 

I need to take my nail polish off but that's annoying.  I saw a really cool color yesterday and I wish I had bought it but it looked very similar to a color I have, so I didn't get it but it's a little different and I want it.  It was down in Little Italy though.

I guess that's about it.  I don't remember if I said this, but if I don't gain two pounds by Wednesday Charro is going to make me go see a nutritionist, apparently for real this time!  I bet she says that she will say that she won't see me unless I go see a nutritionist, which is probably what she should have done a while ago.  The thing is that I won't listen to what a nutritionist has to say and I'm not going to tell them that I "need to gain weight" because I don't want to gain weight.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Roid rage

I've been having crazy dreams since this cortisone shot.  I had some serious "roid rage" in my dream that other night.  So nuts.  I still have no hip pain, which is good.  I will seriously die if I need to have surgery at some point in time.

I see Charro on Monday and my friend will still be here, she leaves that day, but I don't know if I should tell her I am going to see her or just make up some story about where I'm going, but she's going to want to go with me because she leaves like 2 hours later.  Hmmm, I just hate saying the word "therapist."

I need to go to bed. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Oops, a WIW failure and Charro news

I knew WIW was going to be an issue today, since I weighed myself and saw that I was significantly below what I was supposed to be.  So, Charro weighed me and I was 101 on her scale.  She made me take off my belt and take my phone out of my pocket.  She said that I "have to gain 2 pounds" by next WIW or I "have to" go to a nutritionist.  She's "serious."  So, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to gain two pounds, well, except for the fact that it will probably be colder out and therefore I will have more clothes on next week.  I was 97.6 this morning when I weighed myself when I first got up.  So breakfast, clothing, shoes, and a lot of water later, I managed to make it to 101, which means she probably took off a pound for clothes.  So, that's the dealio with that.  She said, "now we have to have WIW longer to make sure you stay at your weight."  She asked me why I was restricting and blah blah.  I won't see her until Monday so I have to remember things to talk to her about since I won't be able to listen to our sesh because my friend is here with me through Monday.

Oh, so I said to her, "You're having a girl."  She said, "I know what I'm having."  Then I said, "I think it's a girl."  She said, "I am having a girl."  I said, "I'm surprised that you told me."  I gave her a high five.  She wanted to know why and I said, "Because I was right, you're having a girl.  Don't you know it's all about me being right?"  :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Roid rage

Seriously, I am becoming less and less happy, or more and more unhappy, with this stupid cortisone shot.  I am breaking out like crazy!!!!  It's awful, and the thought of bleeding for a month straight is definitely not something that makes me happy.  GRR!!!  No wonder why my boobs look bigger.  It's making sense now.

My friend flies in tonight and is staying with my through the weekend.  Oh dear! 

I'm seeing Charro for a double in the morning because she can't see me on Friday.  I wasn't going to do the double but then I decided I would.  I probably shouldn't. 

I'm now on the phone and don't know what I was going to write.


Love relinquished

Well, my love of the cortisone shot just went away.  Yes, my hip feels absolutely fantastic, but now my insides are bleeding out of my body.  I just read that it totally messes up your periods and that some people bleed for a month straight.  Awesome.  I really hope that's the case because that won't cause any other problems, and really, who wants to bleed from there ever?  No one.  So now I guess I just wait and see and hope this ends soon.  This kind of sucks.  Glad no one told me about the side effects before I got the shot.

Oh, and I weighed myself this morning.  WIW could be a problem.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I like popcorn, but it's not dinner

I just laughed because I'm listening to my sesh with Charro from today and I told her that I think I should go see Kruger to "resolve my issues with her."  That wasn't the funny part, the funny part was that Charro called her Kruger instead of her real name.  I don't know why that cracked me up.

Hey, here's a shocker, I'm hungry.  I just got really tired too.  I did not eat a proper dinner at all.  At least I am aware of that, I guess.  I got home at 8pm and had no desire to cook or anything so I just made popcorn and a mini protein shake.  Maybe I'll just get ready for bed now.

So Charro thinks I should see Steph a few times before she leaves for maternity leave, but I don't think that's feasible.  Insurance will only cover one provider at a time so I can't see both of them, plus Steph is twice the cost.  It would be pretty awesome, yet extremely unlikely that she would see me at a lower cost.

Wow, I just totally lost all train of thought and am ready to pass out.  I need to brush my teeth first.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm hungry.

I look fat so I don't want to eat.

I think I need to weigh myself.  I know I shouldn't weigh myself but what harm can it really do?  I don't know what I'll do.

Maybe I'll eat some grapes.

It was a somber kind of day and the weather suited it. 

Onions

I don't like sleeping with my windows open for several reasons.  (Though I usually do sleep with them open).  I woke up this morning to the smell of onions wafting in here.  Gross.  Yesterday it was garlic.  Gross.  There are too many noises too.  Whatever.

My date was good.

My hip is great. :)

It's a sad day here in NY, as everyone looks back and remembers September 11, 2001.  It's hard to believe that that was 10 years ago.  I'm taking my own precautions, like not taking the subway and staying out of popular areas.  I don't really think anything will happen, and I hope nothing does, but I also want to play it safe.  I forgot to go up on my roof last night to take a picture of the beams of light, but I will do that tonight.

I'm hoping to babysit later because I could use the cash.  If not, I think I'll go play field hockey because I need the exercise, it's fun and I want to keep using my new hip. :)

I want to weigh myself but I won't.  I'm excited that I will get to see Stephanie while Charro is on maternity leave.  I told Charro that I know I'll be in good hands with someone who is competent and who I feel comfortable with.  Plus, and I just realized this one, she knows my past, for the most part, so I don't have to start from scratch.  It will probably be hard to leave her when our time is up, but I will be happy to get back to Charro too.

My stupid toilet is running.  I have to go fix it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Hip, hip horay

It is SO weird to not have hip pain after constantly having it for 6 months.  I ran and everytime I thought it would hurt, it didn't.  So weird.  I'm not used to it, but I liked it.  Let's hope it lasts.

WIWs and WIFs

I ate better yesterday.  I hadn't been eating that well the past few days.  I was hungry but I couldn't figure out what I wanted and I didn't want anything that I had, so I just didn't really eat meals.  It happens.  It was a good thing that I didn't have WIF yesterday and got weighed on Wednesday instead.  We're back to doing WIW because Charro won't be at work on a Friday in a few weeks.  At least now I know when I'm getting weighed instead of going in there and wondering if it will be Wednesday or Friday.  I don't know when this is all going to stop.  She said "when I'm stable,"  but I've been good for like 5 weeks in a row now, I think that's good enough.  Maybe she's just really smart and knows that the second she stops weighing me that bad things might happen.  I will be screwed when she spot weighs me though.  Let's just say that I tend to make sure I weigh more on the days I'm being weighed, so not knowing could cause a problem.  I'm never going to get over this.

I think I'm going to go for a run in the park this morning.  I want to test out my hip.  I feel like I'm walking funny, or different now, maybe because I'm not in pain so I'm walking normally again.  I don't know.  I hope I don't screw up some other part of my body because the knee I hurt last year started feeling weird again yesterday.

Okay, I don't know what to do for my date today.  I wanted to go downtown with him but I don't really want to take public transportation anywhere and I don't want to be in populated areas.  I need to figure out what to do and not bore the hell out of him.  Help!  At least the weather is nice, right now.  Hopefully it will stay that way.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Grocery store incident

I just got back from the grocery store and they had the one thing I was looking for.  Yay.  Anyway, I'm standing in the check out line and the woman in front of me looks at me and says, "How do you stay so skinny?"  How do I answer that question, is more like it?  My response, "I walk a lot."  Seriously, what am I supposed to say, "Oh, I starve myself and workout."

I am going to the gym now.  I've been up since 3:30 this morning.  That was a blast.  I just laid in bed thinking.  I'm tired.  I'm really going to crash later.  I was hungry too because I haven't been eating that well.  I am hungry but have no desires for any specific food.  Charro says I just have to eat.

My hip feels good, I think, just a little tight in the area surrounding the injection.

I better go to the gym before I end up not going.  I would run in the park before practice but I'll take it easy on my hip today and then run tomorrow.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

That was sweet

So this has been a busy two days, just with different developments with things.  So, I emailed my T from the study I did last year and she said that she'd be happy to work with me.  She told me that she's starting a group at the end of the month too, but I probably won't be able to go to that.  Anyway she called me tonight, of course it was right as I walked into the building where I teach.  So I stepped out of the elevator and talked to her for a few minutes.  I didn't really say much because I was out in public.  She asked me if I had any questions and before I even responded, she said, "I didn't even ask you if this is a good time to talk."  I said, "Yeah, I just walked into the gym to teach my aerobics class, which is why I'm so quiet.  She told me that she would call me tomorrow or that I could call her tomorrow if I had any questions, and then she said she was going to email me her phone number "right now" but I never go an email.  I thought this was really nice, when she called she made sure it was me she was talking to and then she said, "It's really nice to hear your voice."  I thought that was really sweet.  I just don't know if I can afford to go see her. :(  I really want to but I don't know if it will work.  I'll make it work, I guess.

I went and taught class but didn't do the cardio, just the weights.  I feel absolutely find from the shot.  I guess it just feels a little stiff from having two needles injected into me.  I don't know how my injury feels yet. :)

A big needle

I got a cortisone shot today.  I was so NOT expecting that and I tried to talk the doctor out of it because my hip pain really isn't that bad.  I think he did more for diagnostic purposes though.  He said if it worked, then he knows it's my hip and not some "gynecological problem."  Okay, but last I knew about anatomy, I don't have any female things above my hip bone. 

I made a wise decision to not look at the needles...yes, I said needles, as in two.  I think the first one, which I did look at and it was a good size, was some sort of Novocaine.  The actual cortisone shot, I did NOT look at because I heard it's big and hurts.  Luckily it did not hurt.

So, he told me that I cannot work out for 24 hours, which is funny since I have to teach aerobics tonight.  I questioned him on that and said, "I really can't work out tonight?"  He made it pretty clear that I cannot.  Hmmm.  I knew I should have gone to the gym this morning. 

So now I'm worried he gave me the shot in the wrong place because it's like 6 inches below where the pain is.  I don't know anything about these things.  I didn't even know I was going to get the shot.  The PA asked, when she saw me, how the shot worked out.  I was like "What shot?  What are you talking about?"  She thought she had talked to me about it on the phone, but I do not recall that at all.

Second option...surgery.  Oh yeah, that's not going to happen unless I can't walk anymore, but I'm fine dealing with slight pain everyday.  That is for sure.

Shiites, I have to call my insurance company and then call Stephanie.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

My events for the day

So let's see, here's a recap of my day:

Went to see Charro and she confirmed her pregnancy, dialogue to come later after I listen to the tape.

Had WIW.  I had jeans and a huge sweatshirt on so Charro was thrilled when she weighed me, and then she realized what I was wearing and commented about how I had "more clothing on than usual."  It was cold and rainy, which is why I was wearing "more clothes than usual."

Emailed my T from the study I participated in last year to see if I could see here while Charro is gone.  She said she remembered me and would love to work with me again.  There are two problems, she's twice as expensive as Charro and since she's a LMHC (mental health counselor), I don't know if I can even get reimbursed for my visits.  So, I'm not getting too excited about this working out.  She told me to call her after I talk to my insurance company and we could work something out.  It would be really nice if it works out, but I'm not optimistic.  I can tell you one thing, I am NOT going to see Kruger!!!  I do feel like I need to resolve my dislike for her, for some strange reason.

So, that was that.  I'm in a blah mood.  I see the hip doctor tomorrow to get my MRI results.  Wouldn't it be just fantastic if he told me that I couldn't work out for a while or that I need surgery.  I would DIE!  I hope he doesn't tell me that I need PT, but if I have a tear, PT isn't going to fix that.

That's it.  Maybe I can call Steph (study T) tomorrow.  I don't want to have to call my insurance company and ask them about this but I'm guessing they won't respond to my email for another 9 years.

Confirmed pregnancy

Well, Charro IS pregnant, due mid February, just as I suspected.  I don't know how I feel about this.  Of course I'm happy for her, and surprised because I didn't really think she liked kids all that much, but I'm also...well, I don't know how I'm feeling.  Maybe I'll try and figure that out for Friday.  Sad?  Nervous?  Scared?  I don't really know.  I know I'll miss her and that I'm afraid I'll just start weighing myself like crazy and stuff.

This is how it went down.  She was not wearing a puffy shirt, but I did notice a mid-section on her, which looked more like "fat" (for lack of a better word) than pregnancy belly.  I knew she couldn't just gain weight like that all of a sudden, but I wasn't going to say anything.  So, at one point she asked me if there was something on my mind that I wasn't talking about.  I paused and then said, "yes."  She asked me what it was and I told her that I didn't really want to talk about it.  I asked her to please not make me talk about it right now and that I would in a couple of weeks.  Then she said something about how it would make me feel better, and I said something about how it was about her and I didn't really want to talk about it right now but I would in a few weeks and that she would understand why.  Then she asked "is it about me being pregnant?  I am."  Then we talked about how I felt but ran out of time. I was just going to write something else but I don't remember what it was.  I need to go get a good head-clearing run at the gym.  Plus I want to run so my hip hurts more for my doctor's appointment tomorrow.  Charro didn't like that idea, but I have to do it.  I'll have more to say later, that's for sure.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

What shall I say?

So I've come up with a few things I can say to Charro to get her to fess up to her pregnancy.  Here they are:

- So, anything new and exciting?
- You look like you have something to tell me.
-  It will be nice to not have WIW or WIF while you're on maternity leave.  (my favorite one).

Anyone have anything else they can think of?  Suggestions welcome!!

I don't think she'll weigh me tomorrow but I'll make sure I'm ready. I'll have pants on because it's cold, so that's a good thing.  I don't like this cold rainy weather though!

I don't want dinner.  Maybe I won't have it.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Discovered

I discovered something new, Fage yogurt.  I never bought it before because it's way too expensive, but it was on sale so I bought some.  I bought the plain figuring that I could make a shake out of it.  So, I tried it the other day and it was decent.  The thing has 18 grams of protein in it, so that's a good thing.  I am going to buy it when it's on sale now.  It's quick, easy, and filling...and probably a little disordered, but at this point, I don't really care.  I don't care if I lose weight.  I don't care if I don't eat normally.  Charro says I need to get up to 103 but I told her that we agreed that I didn't.  She disagreed with that.  Whatever, I'm not going there, in fact, I think I'll weigh myself in the morning tomorrow.

I think I'm becoming a little bit more obsessive these days and I'm wondering if it has to do with me being angry with Charro for not telling me that she's pregnant.  I'm guessing that that could be the case.  It is what it is. 

I have a  lot that I need to do tonight before I leave in the morning and I don't want to get up.  I guess I can do it and go to bed since I keep waking up at the ass crack of dawn.

Waking up too early

Let's face it, (if and) when Charro goes on maternity leave, I'll probably end up going backwards.  Hopefully I'll lose weight.  I have a pretty strong feeling that I'll go back to weighing myself all of the time because I don't have to fess up to anyone if I do weigh myself.  None of this is really good, but at the same time, I'm kind of looking forward to those things.  That's bad, huh?  Oh well.  Maybe it's me just being angry about this whole situation right now; her not coming out and telling me that she's preggers.  I'm going to try and get it out of her this week.  I'll ask if she has anything new to report, or something along those lines.  It's clearly bothering me because I woke up at 4:30 this morning and was getting angry about it and couldn't fall back to sleep.  So I was angry and tired.

Not much going on today.  Aerobics and field hockey! :)  I'm hoping to run my buns off at field hockey.  I love playing so much!!!

I wonder if Charro will make the T the I end up seeing, if I end up seeing one while she's gone, weigh me.  Hmm.  That would be interesting.  Oh wait, they wouldn't have a scale in their office.  I know who I won't be going to see...KRUEGER!  She was the worst.  It's funny for me to go back and read the posts I wrote about her because she was so awful.  I'm really hoping that I can see the T. I had when I did the body image study a year ago.  She's working as a part-time "mental health counselor."  I don't know if my insurance covers MHCs.  I don't think it does.  So, I won't get my hopes up about seeing her.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Watching bad things

I'm watching eating disorder stuff on youtube, probably not the best idea, but it's not like I'm watching "bad" things, I'm watching True Life.  Maybe I'll just go to bed because I'm pretty tired.  Charro would NOT approve of what I am doing right now.  She wouldn't give me back my Portia di Rossi book last week.  I need to get it from her this week.  She doesn't want me to have it but it's MY book so I will get it back.

There are weird noises outside and they're loud.

Just tell me, already!

This Charro pregnancy thing is going to drive me insane until she comes out and tells me that she is pregnant.  Just do it!  She's not fooling anyone.  Just tell me already!

I'm tired.  I woke up too early this morning because I had stupid cramps.  Blah!

I passed WIF yesterday.  I have made weight the past 4 weeks, don't you think it's about time she stops weighing me?  Please, it's never going to end.  Then she keeps telling me to "keep going" and said, "great" when I've gained weight.  Well, no one else thinks it's great so I don't know why she is so excited about it.  I am clearly not so thrilled.

I cut behind my knee shaving.  It stings.  Stupid razors.  I guess I need a new one.

I have to venture out to a new area today, let's hope I don't get lost.  I have to leave in 20 minutes and have no idea what to wear.  I'm just sitting here staring into space.  I want to go outside and take a nap but I really do need to get dressed. 

I won't see Charro until Wednesday, not sure if she's weighing me that day, but I'm guessing she'll wait until Friday.  I'll totally be checking out her outfit to see what kind of puffy blouse she's wearing.  Who does she think she's fooling?  Not this chick!

Okay, I seriously need to get dressed now.


Friday, September 02, 2011

I'm just saying

I'm just gonna throw it out there (again), that Charro is totally preggers.  gvbbbbbbbb'p;[[[ bnn  (My cat typed that).  How long have I been saying this, 3-4 weeks?  I'm just saying, she's been wearing puffy shirts and her boobs definitely got bigger.  She sounded a little out of breath today too, which is another sign I noticed last time she was pregnant.  I don't know why this upsets me so much, but it does.  I think it bothers me that I know something and she won't tell me (or anyone) that she is pregnant, when it's pretty damn obvious.  I totally understand that people like to wait a certain amount of time before they tell people they're pregnant, but when it's noticeable, it's time to start telling people, people.  It's weird because she doesn't really seem like she would want more kids, like she had a kid and fulfilled her duty of having a kid.  I totally understand it's a personal thing and she'll tell people when she's ready, but SHE'S SHOWING!!!  Come on Charro, the puffy shirts are totally giving it away, as are your bigger boobs...and the belly that I got a glimpse of through the puffy shirt, which she was wearing over a dress, today. 

It would be really funny if I was wrong.  Ha!

Thursday, September 01, 2011

WIF in the afternoon

Ew, new blogger lay out.  Weird!! 

I have WIF tomorrow.  It's late in the day so I can "fuel up" for it. :)  It's going to be so weird that my schedule is flip flopped tomorrow.  Weird. 

My family got power back yesterday. Yay. :)

I saw Mary Tyler Moore in the park today and walked by Kristen Chenowith the other day.  Cool stuff.

I get my MRI results next week.  The woman I babysit for is a doctor at this place too and she asked me what the deal was and when I told her I haven't gotten the results yet, she offered to go into the system and read them for me, or have another doctor do it, since she wasn't in the office.  I love that I could have her do that.  There's not point now since she's off until Tuesday and I'm seeing the doctor Thursday.  If it's a labrum tear, surgery may be necessary.  No thank you!  I can't be laid up and not working out.  That would really suck a big on.

I'm hoping to get to play in our scimmage tomorrow, since we don't have enough girls.  I don't think the other coaches will let me play though.  They'd probably be afraid I'd hurt someone.  I really want to play though.