Thursday, March 31, 2011

WIF #1 WI 7

It's weigh in 7 tomorrow.  I'm nervous for it, though I just tried to eat a lot so maybe my weight will be up a little bit tomorrow...or enough to make it acceptable.  Maybe my clothes will be wet and heavy since it will be raining, or snowing out.  Blah!  I'm not looking forward to this weigh in, not that I like any of them, but this one in particular.  If I'm "not up" I'm screwed.  I don't know how this will all turn out.  I know I probably keep writing the same things over again, but I don't know.

I played dodgeball today with my team.  Um, the best game!!  Love it!  We should all play dodgeball every day.  I was so competitive and got bumps and bruises.  Yes, I was trash talking girls half my age.  Haha! 

And we're walking

I'll be doing a lot of walking today.  That would not make Charro happy.  At the end of the day, I'll probably have walked 6 miles.  I also have to teach an aerobics class.  Well, she'll never know about it so she can't get mad.  It is what it is and I don't really care.

I don't want to get weighed tomorrow, but I'll make it work.

I should empty the litter box before I head out to work.

I had a dream that I was on a cruise and the water was a bit rough.  I was afraid my dad was going to get knocked overboard by a big jolt of waves.  One of the staircases had broken too, though I'm not sure why.

Gotta go out into the cold, rainy weather now.  I NEED SPRING!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Scales and cooking

I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning.  I need to know what I weigh before I get weighed on Friday.  I thought I would wait until Friday morning to weigh myself but I think I need a day of prep to get ready for "WIF."  I think that's reasonable and makes sense.  Maybe I should eat a lot of salty stuff so I can retain water.  That's an idea.  I don't know what else will make me heavier.  I know I'm so NOT supposed to weigh myself but I am sort of done with rules.  I'm playing by my own rules.  I sort of reinstated this not weighing myself thing (Well, Charro did a few weeks ago but I never followed it, so now I decided to sort of follow it) so I can break it.

I was going to cook this week so I'd have food to eat.  I have food to eat, but I haven't cooked what I had planned.  I made a stir fry on Monday night before I went to bed.  I didn't eat it Monday, but had some yesterday and had some today.  I have a lot left and I don't want it anymore.  I'll have to eat it but I won't have it for dinner.  I don't want dinner so I'll probably just have a yogurt.  I had a lot of snacks this afternoon so I don't need to eat dinner.  Blah.

Idol tonight.  If we're lucky it will NOT be 2 hours long.

Morsels

I made a huge veggie stir fry with chick peas the other night and I want nothing to do with it.  Maybe if I start eating it I'll want it??  I don't know.  I have to eat it because I can't let it go to waste.  I hate wasting food and won't do it.  I take 4 ziti home from a restaurant to have for lunch the next day.  My parents used to make fun of me when they found a sandwich in the fridge that had about 2 bites left of it.  They'd throw it away and I'd ask "Where's my sandwich?"  "You mean that little thing that was in the fridge?  I threw it away."  "But I was going to eat that."  So, they stopped throwing out my morsels of food.  :)

I'm tired.  So much for those 59 hours of sleep I got last night.  I'm so happy I got my workout out of the way.  Yay. 

So WIW will be WIF this week (Weigh-in Friday).  I might bring something really heavy with me as a joke, since it's April 1st.  I have to think of something good to do.  I have to make sure that I weigh was she wants me to weigh or I'm screwed!  I'm tempted to weigh myself now to see how far away from it I am, but I guess there's no point in that.  I'm not going to gain 4 pounds in a day.

I don't even know if I'm hungry right now.  I think I'm just tired.  I have to give my cat his IV later. :(  I hope it goes better than it did the past few times.  My vet said that I should stop giving it to him if he starts to resent me.  I hope that doesn't happen. 
Since I'm not seeing Charro this morning, I have time to go to the gym before work. :)  That's a positive swing on things.  I need to be there in 27 minutes, which means I need to get my butt in gear.  I had about 59 hours of sleep last night, so I'm feeling good...I think.  Maybe I'm a little tired.

I'm feeling the need to weigh myself.  I'll try and hold out until Friday morning.  I don't know what Charro's going to do if my weight is not up...which is why I want to weigh myself, to see where I stand.

Okay, time to get dressed.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A response and some answers

I ended up texting Charro and I just heard from her.  She can't do our usual time tomorrow so now I won't see her until Friday.  I'm bummed about it, but I figured she might not be able to do it because I told her I couldn't do it.  So, that's the story

Oh, I got the blood work back today.  The vet was hoping that things would improve, but they didn't.  I think she said one of his levels might have improved slightly, but I can't remember.  She said it was good that he's eating, drinking and has gained a few ounces.  I have to bring him back in June for another check up.  She said as long as his quality of life is not effected then that is good.  She told me to keep giving him the IV, but if he starts resenting me for it, then I should stop.  :(  It makes me sad.

Tomorrow, yes or no?

My schedule got changed a little bit for tomorrow, so now I can see Charro, if she is available to see me.  I sent her an email and I'm just waiting to hear.  I know she read it because I can see if my emails get read or not.  So, I wonder if she's going to email me back or just pretend that she didn't get it.  She could pretend that she didn't get the email because she doesn't want to see me and she wants to come to work an hour later.  Do I blame her?  No.  I wouldn't want to see me either.  I will be very pissed if she doesn't respond, and I will call her out on it.  I wonder if I should text her if I don't hear from her by like 7 PM.  I don't know.  I sort of feel bad being like, "Hey, I can see you now," but she's cancelled on me so many times last minute that why shouldn't I be like "Hey, I can see you now!?"  It's like, you've screwed up my schedule before, now it's my turn to screw up yours.  I feel stupid texting her, but maybe I will.  I don't know.

If I do go tomorrow, that means I'll get weighed.  Ew.  So, there may be a WIW 7.  If not, there will be a WIF 7.  I don't know if I'm prepared for this, mentally or physically. 

This email thing is bothering me.  She read my email at 2:30, she could get back to me.  I will seriously be SO PISSED if she ignores it and says she didn't get it.  I don't know what I'll do. 

Friend is stopping by so I  might have to finish this in a bit.

Monday, March 28, 2011

A couple more weeks left

I got in trouble for walking to Charro's and was told that I'm not allowed to do it anymore until it hits 70 degrees.  That's bullshit.  She said that I cannot walk to or from that office anymore.  She told me to commit to that but I didn't.  I think she thinks I did, but I did not.  Does SHE want to pay for my transportation?  If she'll pay for it, I'll take the subway, then I won't walk, but she can't do that so I will continue to walk down there and take the bus/subway back.  It's only 4 miles and that's only once a week.  Her other office is only 1.3 miles from me, so it's 2.6 miles total, and that's the one I go to twice a week.  So, she thinks that I'm not going to walk but I am.  She says it would be like me going to a bar before heading to therapy for being an alcoholic.  It's so not, it's called commuting.

I have just a couple more weeks until I get fired.  Charro said I have to gain weight and I only have a couple of weeks to do it because she's given me ample amounts of time to gain this weight.  She said it's been six weeks already so I have to do it, no ifs, ands or buts!  UGH!!  Sucks a butt.  Blah!

She was tough on me today.  Accusing me of participating at lacrosse practice today because I had turf all over me, but I did NOT do anything!  I just stood there freezing my ass off in the 20 degree weather.  She doesn't believe me.  She thinks I'm running around all day, which I am not.  I'm coaching, not playing!!

I know there's a lot more but I haven't listened to our sesh yet, since we just had it.  Am I going to have to resort to loading my pockets?  It's quite possible.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Just waiting

I'm waiting for the maintenance guy to come check out my toilet.  He didn't get into work until 3 PM and I got home a little after 3:30 and he had been here, but he doesn't know what the problem is so he needs to come back so I can show him.  I need to shower but I can't because I'm waiting for him.

I am so ready to fall asleep but I can't.  It's too late to take a nap now.  I won't fall asleep if I do that.  My cat has his left paw on my computer.  It's quite cute.  My shoulders are going to fall off.  After class I went to brunch with some friends and then went shopping with some other friends.  Target and Costco baby.  The good thing about living if NYC is that you save a lot of money when you go to these stores because you can't buy everything you want to buy because you can't carry it all.  Well, I bought more than I planned on buying and it was heavy, especially when you're carrying it almost a mile.  My face feels like it got massive windburn too, but I don't feel like I was out there long enough for that to happen.

I need to go downstairs to check mailbox.  Maybe that will remind them to send the guy up to me.  I need to feed my kitties too.  I can't go all night without a toilet.  I drink a lot, therefore I pee a lot. :)  I need a potty that works.

I don't feel like taking a shower.  Maybe by the time I can take one, I'll feel like it.

I told my friend I'd take zumba with her tomorrow night.  HAHA!!  I will spend the entire time laughing at myself because I'll look like I'm having a seizure or something.  I'm not a great dancer when it comes to these classes.   I better at least get a work out or I will be pissed.  My body is so tired for some reason, probably from NOT working out while I was away.  My legs feel like lead weights!

Interrupted

I know I keep saying this, but I'm so OVER this cold weather.  We're averaging 10 degrees below normal here.  Let's get it together Mother Nature!  Please...some warm weather!!

I'm also so sick of hearing about the Royal Wedding.  I watch the news every morning and every morning we hear more about the stupid royal wedding.  I don't care who's making the cake, or that Kate has picked out her dress.  Is this really news?  In my mind, no!

I had a dream that Charro, and one or two other therapist people came to speak to my team.  (In real life, I think there are two girls that have some issues.  Definitely body image stuff going, and one was not really eating last year).  So, they spoke to my girls and afterwards, two of them asked questions and wanted to seek further information about EDs.  They weren't the two girls I expected them to be. 

The girls didn't know that I see Charro for my own issues.  She definitely treated me like she knew me while she was talking, but the girls just thought that we were friends and not in a working relationship.  I don't think the other therapists, I think there were two of them, were aware that I saw Charro either.  I don't really know.  Here's the funny thing, Charro was wearing spoon earrings.  It was a dangly mini wooden spoon hanging from her ear.  I noticed that she has lost one of them.  I found it hanging on a bulletin board and brought it back to her.  I got a closer look at the earring and realized it had a mini fork on it too.  So weird and funny.

During our little group talk (I just had to take a 30 minute break to clean up cat puke and then I realized that  my toilet was leaking all over the place so I had to shut off the water and clean that up too.  Ugh).  As I was saying...during our little group talk a friend of my came in and gave a me jacket.  It was a gray wool one.  I wasn't sure if I liked it our not.  I can't remember what else I was going to write because of my toilet interruption.

EW, there's a missing Cobra snake at the Bronx Zoo.  EW!!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Bored, but not

I'm bored, but I don't feel like doing anything, so I guess I'll be content sitting on my couch all night and going to bed early!!  I could play some Wii, but I don't feel like it.  I could clean, but I don't feel like it.  I should clean.  Maybe I'll get bored enough to do so.  Probably not.  At least I don't feel like weighing myself.

I bought this shirt at a farmer's market thingy today.  It's so not me, but it's sort of fun.  Who knows if I'll ever wear it, but it was 5 dollars so I guess it's not that big of a deal if I don't.  It's black and silver and shiny...so not my style, but I'd totally wear it on stage if I was a country singer.  It would be an awesome stage shirt.  It has horizontal stripes though, not sure how that's going to work on me.

I'm going to watch Degrassi at 8. :)  Apparently I'm a teenager.

Wow, my life is boring today.  I had big plans to go to the grocery store and then cook today, but I just didn't have it in me.  I took a nice nap on the floor in the sun.  I love the heat pounding on my body, especially since it's freezing out.  If I don't go to the grocery store and make some food, Charro will kill me.  (Not literally). 

I don't think I've been eating that well the past few days.  Getting weighed on Friday should be interesting.  I don't think I'm going to be at the weight she says I need to be at, and I don't know what that means.  I don't know if she's going to fire me if I'm not at 102 on Friday, or what.  I still have to get to 103.  Ugh, I'm so not anywhere near that.  She thinks I'm 101.25, according to Wednesday's weigh in.  I had my heavy pair of jeans on too.  Hmmm, this is going to be tough and might suck a big butt.  I guess none of it's going to matter until I want to gain the weight...which will probably be never.

Why are there so many anorexic girls at the gym?

I love when I'm at the gym and on the machine next to an anorexic girl.  Not!  I see this same girl there a lot and I end up next to her a lot, which I hate.  She always has her shirt off and her stomach if you just saw her stomach she doesn't look like she has an ED because it's all distended, but the rest of her looks anorexic.

I had no energy at the gym this morning, probably because I was out late and my uterus is falling out.  That usually zaps some energy from me.  Love that.  Definitely a nap day today...on the floor with my cats.

I think my little guy was smooshing his nose up against the carrier because his nose is all red and bloody like.  Poor guy.  I think he likes being at my house better than being stuck in this tiny apartment.  I don't blame him.

I never heard from the vet.  :(  I want to know what's going on with his blood work.  I guess I won't know until Monday.  I'm calling them if I don't hear from them by noon.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Spilled some beans

I told Charro that I've been weighing myself.  She didn't ask me how much I weigh, which was my biggest fear.  She did ask me how often I was weighing myself and I said, "You really don't want to talk about that."  She said, "Everyday" and I said yes.  I told her that I wasn't going to weigh myself for a while and she liked that.  She asked what "a while" meant and I said, "week...s."  So, maybe a week.  I'm definitely going to weigh myself on Friday before she weighs me but I'm going to TRY and not weigh myself before then.  She liked my new plan of not weighing myself.  When I told her that I had been weighing myself everyday she goes, "So you didn't follow the plan?!"  Nope, I didn't.  I never said I would, she just thought I agreed to it.

So, it was a sort of productive sesh.  I get weighed on April Fools Day.  Don't think I'm not going to pull something on her that day.  Totally.  I just haven't figured out what though.  I have a week to get that together. :)  Clearly, whatever I do she'll know it's a joke by the time I leave there.  I'm not sure what's going to happen if I'm not at 102 next week.  Will she fire me on the spot??  Ugh!

I just ate lunch and now I'm going to run on the treadmill.  I'm sure that will go well.  I'm waiting for the vet to call me too so I'm going to be one of those people who brings their phone on the machine with them.  I hate those people, but I have to.  I need to get this call!  You know she'll call while I'm there.  Murphy's Law.

I also told Charro that I don't really think that I have an E.D.

What to say

I'm trying to decide if I should tell Charro about all of the weighing I've been doing.  I feel like I should, but I don't want her to ask me how much I weigh because I can't lie to her face, but I can't tell her what I weigh either because she'll see that I've made absolutely no progress.  Ugh!  I just feel guilty about it all.  I want to tell her that I'm not going to weigh myself anymore, (well, I'll do it occasionally), but I also risk her asking me how much I weigh because she'll ask me how often I've been weighing myself.  I don't know what to do.  Such a small thing in life, but it's bugging me.

Two of my nails broke.  I guess I should cut the rest of them.

I'm waiting for a call from my vet to get the results of the blood work.  I hope it's good news.  PLEASE let it be good news.  He seems to have put on weight, so that's a good sign.  I'll leave my ringer on during my sesh in case she calls. 

Can Spring come now please??  I'm sick of this cold weather!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I should probably tell her

I should probably tell Charro that I've been weighing myself a lot.  She's not going to like that one.  My goal is to not weigh myself until next week, but we'll see if that really happens.  Maybe I'll weigh myself tomorrow and then not weigh myself again until next Friday, my weigh in day for next week.  That sounds reasonable enough.  I feel like Charro's going to write up some contract if I tell her I've been weighing myself.  I have to weigh myself before I leave for WIW to make sure I weigh enough, other than that, I guess I don't have to weigh myself.  Yeah right, let's see how this really goes.  If I didn't have a scale I guess it would be a bit easier.  (No, I'm not getting rid of my scale.  I have to learn to live with temptation).

Hmmm....

I don't know how I'm going to make that 102 weigh next Friday.  I guess I could eat more, but I will only eat if I'm hungry.  Anyone have a brick I can borrow?  According to Bertha (scale at home), I'm 5.5 lbs away from that number.  Hmmm.  This is just going to get harder with clothes getting lighter.  I hope I don't get fired soon. :(  I guess it's my own doing if I do. 

I have to get dressed.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

WIW 6, done!

My sesh with Charro was pretty unproductive today.  I did mention to her how I didn't want to go to the doctor in May because they'd weigh me and be like, "She gained 5 pounds in 3 months."  Charro thought it was "really good" that I brought up that fear.  I think it's true.  I was happy that I finally brought something up that was worthwhile.  Yay for me. :)  She said that the doctor will not think that and no one would think that because I'm "really underweight."  Um, not really.

She weighed me at the end.  I told her I had a brick in my hat.  That's my on running joke because I always have my winter had tied to my pants when I go in.  She goes, "I find it suspicious that you only wear your hat on 'WIW'"  (Yes, she said WIW, pronounced "Wih-Wah" apparently).  I said, "I wear it all the time when it's cold out and it's cold today."

Apparently I didn't weigh enough because when I got off the scale she said that I "need to gain some weight!"  I asked her how much I weigh and she told me.  She said that I need to be 102 next week.  (I was supposed to be that today).  I'm starting to feel a little guilty about this whole thing because I haven't gained a measurable amount of weight.  It's not like I'm really trying to trick her, I'm just getting dressed and my clothes weigh a lot.  I'm not chugging water or loading my pockets with heavy items.  I feel like I'm lying to her, and I guess I sort of am.

She asked me if I gained some weight.  I was in the middle of another sentence so I just ignored the question.  Before she weighed me she asked me if I thought I was going to weigh enough.  I said, "I ate a ton in Texas so I should."

I told her I won't be there next Wednesday so there will be no "WIW."  She said, "There's always Friday."  I said, "WIF."  She liked that one.  So, that's the dealio.

Note to self...do not take cat on subway!!!  Take a cab!!!  Poor boy was cooped up for 3 hours and then had to have his blood drawn and then the IV.  He was NOT having the IV.  The tech tried a few times and had to put on huge gloves to do it.  Poor boy!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ooooo!

I just realized that there will be NO WIW next week.  :) I can't make it to our sesh next Wednesday so there won't be any weighing going on.  :)  YAY!  I guess that means that it will just get postponed until Friday though.  What are the chances she actually forgets to weigh me??  Probably slim to none, right?  I guess we'll have a WIF.  Yuck!

I don't know what is going on with me but I have another huge zit on my forehead.  It's one of those deep, red, throbbing ones.  You know, the ones that just hurt and then throb when you bend over.  Awesome!!  I'm sure it will look like someone has smacked me in the head by the end of the night.  Love it.  Of course I can't stop touching it.  That's really good for it.

I hope my IV bag (cat's IV bag) doesn't pop while I'm carry it, and my cat, to the train tomorrow.  That would suck.  My poor little girl is going to be all alone in my apartment for 2 days.  She is going to be so sad.  The other guy, well, he should find the train interesting.  This is a first.  I hope he doesn't pee.  He needs to have bloodwork done.  I hope it all comes back normal and I can stop giving him the IV.  That would be AWESOME!!!!!  He would be much happier.  I can tell he's put on weight, so that's a good sign.

I have to:

Unpack.
Shower.
Do work.

I vacuumed.
I unpacked a few things.  I should iron them.

I'm sleepy.

There is the hugest thing of fur in my vacuum.  COOL!!  I love that. 

I wonder if Charro will tell me how much I weigh tomorrow.  My guess...No!  Heavy jeans will be worn.  Luckily it's going to be cold tomorrow.

WIW 6 tomorrow

Can't it be sunny and hot here, please!!??  I miss that humid, 80 degree weather.  Snow tomorrow.  What?!

Ugh, tomorrow is WIW 6.  I'm suppose to be at the weight by now.  Let's face it, I'm not.  Let's face it, I don't want to be.  Let's face it, I'll probably get fired sometime in the near future unless I can find clothes that weigh 5 pounds...which is going to get a lot harder to do when I'm just wearing shorts and a t-shirt.  Ugh. 

I saw Charro last night, which was weird, well, not really.  I'm just used to going during the daylight hours.  It was kind of nice, actually.  I had a nice walk there.  It was nice to move my legs after sitting in a plane for 4 hours.  I had the most annoying lady next to me on the plane.  She didn't stop moving the whole time and she kept staring at me.  Plus, it was freezing on the stupid plane.

I have to start training today for an upcoming sporting event.  I must run and do some sprints.  I've got three weeks.  Yes, I love sporting events that I get to play in!! :)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Back into the cold

I'm back.  I had a great time and it was hard to leave this morning.  I volunteered to get bumped and get a $250 credit, but they ended up not needing me. 


I'm tired.  I had the most annoying lady next to me on plane.  She didn't stop moving and was staring at me the entire time.  Luckily it was freezing on the plane, so I put on my jacket and hood and I couldn't see her anymore. 


I think I just crashed.


I didn't gain weight, which I'm completely shocked about.  I'm not sure how that happened.  I'll take it though.  I have nothing to eat here but I want something like fruit.  I have an apple, but that's not going to cut it.  I can't wait to go to sleep but I have to out in less than 2 hours.  I could walk to Charro, since it's not raining at the moment.  I should walk since I haven't done anything physical.  I'll think about it.  I probably lost muscle, which would account for the possible weight loss.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I'm having nice time here.  :)  We've been keeping busy.  Today we're going to the beach.  We went to the rodeo the other night and that was a blast.  My nieces didn't like seeing the "baby cows" get roped (neither did I), and cheered when the cowboys missed them. :)

I worked out yesterday, but other than that I have been so inactive.  Ugh.  I think I'm going to go for a run this morning and hope the I don't get lost.  It's not to easy to navigate around here.

I saw some cool animals in the wild.  I saw some Longhorns and a wild boar, though the boar was dead on the side of the road.  Oh well, at least I saw one.  I also saw a huge alligator.  It was about 8 feet long.  Cool!

So, that's the deal.  I go home tomorrow and Charro had a cancelation, so I will see her tomorrow night.  I will weigh myself when I get home, though I'm not supposed to.  I'm sure I've gained weight because I've been eating so much and not working out.  Ugh!!  Maybe that means my metabolism will be cranking when I work out again.  Either that or I'll just keep getting fat.  Awesome.

That's all.  It will be so sad to leave my nieces.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Deep in the heart

I just woke up.  I went to bed pretty early last night because I was wiped.  I woke up at 3 AM yesterday, not because I had to, and didn't fall back to sleep until 5:20 AM and then my alarm went off 10 minutes later. 

My flight was great.  Took off 30 minutes late and landed 30 minutes early.  My bro showed up with my nieces, which was awesome!!  They are totally so adorable and I love them. It's going to be so hard to leave them.

I think I'll hit the gym this morning.  I ate a lot yesterday, but I was starving.  Continental doesn't even give you pretzels.  Dumb thing.  I love Jet Blue!!

The girls are still asleep.  It's only 6:30 AM in their heads because of the time change.  Hopefully they'll wake up soon.

Oh yeah, so it's probably a problem that I have no desire or intention of gaining any of the weight Charro says I need to gain.  I was clearly trying to lose weight over weekend and past few days.  Yesterday I was back to where I wanted to be, which is nowhere where I'm supposed to be (according to Charro).  Not good, I know.  I'm kidding myself with this whole thing.  It's not helping me at all, but I can't tell Charro that I don't want to gain the weight (done that) because she won't see me.  I know I'm not getting worse and making minor changes, and my thoughts have changed incredibly, so can't we just stay there for now?  I'm going to get caught sometime soon with this, I'm sure.

I need to eat breakfast now.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'm supposed to

Is it so wrong when I am happy that I'm not hungry when I'm supposed to have a meal?  It's a good thing, since I have no food here to eat.  I have a couple of sprigs of broccoli that I cooked last night that I need to eat.

Oh yeah, I didn't get a "no weighing" contract from Charro today.  I knew she wouldn't remember. :)  I won't be able to weigh myself until Monday so I guess that's better than what I've been doing.  So much for the two weeks I went without weighing myself, for a month.  I'm back on that thing every day, more than once a day.  I know, I took a little step backwards but I hate that she won't tell me what I weigh.  That one time she did, but she hasn't since then.  Grrr.  I don't like how she knows, yet I'm not supposed to know.  It's my body and I should be able to know.  I mean, I know anyway because I am weighing myself, but still.

I can't wait to go to sleep.  I'm wiped and have to wake up way before the sun comes up. 

I'm still not hungry. :)  I know I'm "supposed to" eat because I'm supposed to be gaining weight.  Oh well. 

WIW 5 over

Weigh-in Wednesday 5 is over!  She wanted to weigh me right at the beginning but I told her I wanted to be weighed at the end.  So, we waited and I drank water.  I didn't chug water, I drank my normal amount.  I'm not sure what I weighed, but I think it might have been less than last week, on her scale.  I didn't whip out the heavy jeans, I'll save those for next week, unless I don't need them.

I don't know what food consumption will be like while I'm away.  My sister-in-law doesn't cook, I don't think.  She doesn't do anything.  She's a pain.  I can't wait to see my nieces though.  I love them!

I feel bad leaving my kitties.  The worst part is that next week I have to take one of them home and leave the other one here.  She's going to be so sad when her brother and I leave her for the night.  When he was at the vet for two days she cried and cried.  I felt so bad for her.  Now she'll have no brother and no momma. :(  So sad.

I have to go stand outside in the cold rain for 3 hours and I'm not looking forward to it.  I need to wear 76 layers.  I am supposed to eat lunch but I don't have much.  I have broccoli and yogurt.  I didn't want to buy food since I was leaving. 

I need to finish packing and cleaning.  I am going to vacuum again, even though I did it yesterday, because I love vacuuming. :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tomorrow is WIW 5

Tomorrow is WIW 5.  I hate WIW.  Yesterday Charro said that I "have to be up" tomorrow.  I am sick of her saying that and I'm sick of this business.  I'll be up.  It's going to be cold and rainy, so I'll be up. 

I wonder if I'll gain or lose weight while I'm away.  I don't know how I'm going to work out.  There is a gym that I can go to.  I could run outside but I'd most likely get lost.  I'll figure something out.  I'm just really excited to see my nieces and be in sunny, warm weather. 

I'm going to the rodeo, which will be cool.  I went the last time I was there, I think.  I would totally wear my cowboy boots but I'm only bringing a carry on so I'm not going to take up space bringing stuff I don't need. 

I wonder if Charro is going to write up a contract for me tomorrow, like she said she was going to.  I highly doubt it.  What is she going to do, write it up on the spot?  I don't think so.  I'm going to opt for the weighing at the end of the sesh too, when I will have had more to drink. :)  Duh. 

That's the dealio. 

Motivation

I'm trying to get motivated to go to the gym.  It's gotta happen soon.  I think I can...I think I can.  I can, I just may not enjoy it. :)

Then, I have to clean and pack.  Adios!

I have a huge cardboard box that my egg crate was shipped in.  My cats like to sit on it, but really, shouldn't I just throw it away?  They like it though.  People are staying in my place while I'm gone and having a big box in the room isn't so attractive.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The "being fat" sesh

I told Charro that I hate gaining weight and "being fat."  That was pretty much our sesh.  She says my weight has to be up on Wednesday.  EW!  I told her I don't want to eat.  She didn't like that too much and said I have to "act opposite."  I don't want to act opposite, I want to not eat and lose weight.

I need to buy some spinach on my way home because I'm all out.  I love spinach!

Charro asked me if I had been weighing myself.  I did not lie.  I said "yes."  She asked how often and I responded with "A lot more than I should be," or something like that.  She said, "What happened to our agreement about you not weighing yourself?"  Um, I don't know what happened to it.  She said she was going to write up a contract for Wednesday, I guess about the weighing thing, but I don't really think she's going to write up anything, so I'm not worried.  I also told her I wasn't eating more, when she asked.  At least I'm honest.

I need to put on 87 layers of clothes now so I don't freeze my buns off outside.  I hate being cold and the sun is not out so that won't help keep us warm.  Short practice day! :)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I got shit on

LITERALLY!!!  A bird shit on my head.  Thank God it wasn't a pigeon.  Ugh! 

She pulled my leg...

(Literally), and now my hip is back in place.  I feel so much better.  I felt better instantly.  Ahhh, relief. :)  (She, being my friend)

My weight was a little better this morning, but not where I want it to be.  It's crazy how I should be wanting (not really sure if "wanting" would be the right word.  Hmm, "trying" is a better word) to gain 5 pounds and right now I'm trying, and wanting, to do just the opposite.  I'm not trying to lose 5 pounds, but just the 1 pound that I gained.  I know it probably seems ridiculous because it's just "one pound," but I can see it and feel it, and I don't like it so how could I possibly gain 5 pounds?  I can't.  I don't really know what's going on, but it's how I feel so it is what it is.  Charro always says I need to "challenge" my thoughts and it drives me insane.  If I had a dollar for everytime she said that I'd probably have about $27 dollars right now. :) Ha.  Too bad I was happy with my body before this whole "You have to gain 5 pounds thing" started.

Meow!

I have to make a dentist appointment.  A Sensodyne commercial came on and that's what reminded me.

It's not so nice out today.  I have a tea and scone date with the gals today.  Yum!  The tea fills me up so much because it's like 98 cups of tea and I have to pee about 47 times and feel so full and fluid flops around in my stomach, but I have to drink it all and then I can't eat my scones so I have a few bites and eat them later.  (Love run-ons)

I cannot imagine being in Japan right now.  The whole nuclear disaster situation is scary.

I have to cut my pineapple but I don't feel like it.

"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy"  - Dori

Saturday, March 12, 2011

My hips don't lie, but they hurt

My hip hurts, which is making my back hurt.  This happens.  I need to see the trainer at home because he always pulls my leg and puts my hip back to where it belongs.  Since I won't be going home anytime soon, I'll have to try and get it back to where it belongs on my own.

Charro emailed me and told "Carmine" to "get out of town."  (Carmine is what we call an eating disorder).  Well, I emailed her back and told her that Carmine has taken up residency in my apartment.  It's true.  I won't deny it.  I don't like this whole weight gain thing and I'm not going to stand for it.  She still wants me to gain 4 pounds, well, I think by her scale it's 2-3 pounds but I don't know because she won't tell me.  She better tell me this week.  All I know is that I'm "heading in the right direction."  Again, that translates to "getting fat."  Oh yeah.

I don't know what to make for lunch.  Protein shake?  Yogurt?  Stirfry?  I make stirfry 2-3 times a week, it's possible that I could get sick of it pretty soon.  I could use some protein.  I hate decisions.  I'd actually like steamed veggie dumplings from the chinese place near me.  Blah!!  Or I could just not eat all day so I don't have to make a decision.

I need to go to the store to get a patch for my crotch.  I am not throwing these jeans out!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Hours past, still the same

Well, some hours have past and I'm not feeling any different.  Still fat and disgusting.  I think I need to drink some tea.  I'm not supposed to be weighing myself but I am.  It happens.  I told Charro that I don't want to eat and she said that I need to "do the next right thing...eat well."  I don't want to.  I am sick of getting fat so I don't want to eat. 

Maybe I should go the complete opposite way and just eat everything in sight and puke it up.  Hmmm.

Okay, I'm bored and watching Degrassi so I thought I'd write more.  Oh wait, I don't have anything to say.  I guess I'll just watch Degrassi.  Maybe I'll think of something other than, "I feel so fat and gross."

Holy pants

I put on my favorite jeans this morning and was getting ready to head to Charro's.  It was a good thing that I went to the bathroom before I left.  I pulled my pants down and noticed a big hole in the crotch of my jeans.  What!  My favorite jeans!!  So I changed, obvi.  Two traumatizing factors here.  One, they're my favorite jeans.  Two, um, how long have I been walking around with a holy crotch??  I sit Indian style in the chair at Charro's too, how mortifying!

I'm feeling and looking pretty gross right now.  I can't stand it.  I'm so over this eating business.  Done.  Tired of getting fat.  I want to be stick bones.  I want to vomit...or work out for 9 thousand hours.  Blah.  I'm sure I'll be writing a ton of  "I feel fat and disgusting posts" in the next few days.  That's the way it is.

Oh yeah, I almost got hit by a moped this morning.  He goes, "You almost got hit.  You almost got hit."  Okay, so hit me.  Okay, don't hit me.  I don't really want to get hit by a moped.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Stuff and Idol winner prediction

I'm hungry but don't want to eat.  That's not really news or anything.  I'm kind of over this whole sort of trying to gain a little weight thing.  A week or two ago I would have eaten but now I'm not really feeling it.  My weight is fine just where it is.

MY IDOL PREDICTION

Pia will win!

Odd dream

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a baby girl.  However, she was the size of a toddler.  I was pregnant and had to play in a couple of tournaments in one day.  First I had a tennis tournament, then a softball game and then a lacrosse game.  Well, I went into labor right before I was about to play tennis.  I don't know where I gave birth, I just remember I had a baby quickly and it hurt like hell and then I wanted to get right back on the court to play.  I remember screaming while pushing that thing out of me.  I looked at the baby and said, "She's huge!  How did I get that thing out of me!??!!"  She looked like she was 2 or 3 years old.  Next thing I remember, we were in the pool.  She was floating on her back with swimmies on and she was only a few days old.  I thought she was not a very cute baby.  My mom came over to look at her and I said, "She's so big."  I also remember my coach being in my dream, but I don't know to what capacity.  It was an odd freaking dream.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I'm done with eating, getting fat, and cold weather.  I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth and it's highly annoying.  I can't get it out.  I can feel it but I'm not really sure which tooth it's stuck in.  It's like having an itch but not being able to find it.  Wow, my glasses are really dirty and I can't see out of them. (cleaned them).

So I listened to my sesh and I listened very closely to the scale movement.  I love that I remembered to be silent while she was weighing me.  I love that I can sort of tell how much I weigh by listening.  Oh, the number is going up and it sucks a big fat ass...soon to be mine.  I'm gonna be screwed when she weighs me in the summer, unless I actually do gain 75 pounds.  Let's hope I can just stay right where I am.

My cat was just in a funny position. 

Charro thinks it's a bad idea for me to hang out with the anorexic gym girl.  I don't know for sure if she's anorexic, but I'm going to find out!

WIW 4, done

Charro didn't weigh me right when I got there today.  I said something to her and then she asked me if I wanted to be weighed now or at the end.  I said "now."  Later on I realized that I'd rather be weighed at the end of the sesh from now on because I will drink water the whole sesh.  So, from now on I want to do it at the end of the sesh.


I'm continuing to "move in the right direction," so that's a good thing.  I didn't even wear my heavy studded jeans today.  I'll whip those out next week.  I think the 7 lbs of lasagna I ate last night helped with my magical weight gain. ;)  I know this is all going to bite me in the ass in the future.  I am well aware of that.  I'm not really messing with my weight, I'm just getting dressed.  I'm not loading coins in my pockets or drinking excess amounts of water or anything.  I'm drinking my normal amount.


I would love to take a nap right now, but I must work.  It's going to be freezing at practice later too.  Brr. I wear so many layers that I can't move and I can't even show the girls proper form and stuff.  Oh well, hopefully warmer weather will get here soon.  I want to run and sprint with them.  I'll be horribly embarrassed when I'm sucking wind and getting beat by the kiddies!  I can just say that I'm "old."

I did not get my ass to the gym and I feel like a fat ass now.  I could take a class tonight after practice, but let's be honest, I'm not going to the gym after being outside in the cold all afternoon.  That's the last thing I want to do.



I keep thinking today is Friday.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

WIW 4

Tomorrow is WIW 4.  I can't believe this is my fourth weigh in already.  Nuts!  I hate WIW.  To keep up with my honesty thing going from my last post, I don't think I've gained an ounce this entire time.  Well, unless I lost weight in the past week, but who knows because I'm not supposed to be weighing myself.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow.  Heavy jeans are ready to be worn though.  Yay for studded jeans. :)  Charro said she'll be able to tell if I'm gaining weight, and I believe she is probably correct, but she also says that 5 pounds is NOT noticeable, so if that is the case, then she won't be able to tell if I'm gaining weight.  Hmm...

I made lasagna for my sister today.  She does a lot for me so I thought I'd make her family dinner. 

I have a canker sore on my tongue.  I like to say the word "canker."

Monday, March 07, 2011

Honesty (sung like B.J.)

My "N" key is not working properly so I may have more typos than usual. :)

Let me throw some things out there:

I do not want to gain weight.
I don't think I plan on gaining any weight.

People will notice if I gain weight and they will talk and I do not want that.  I do not want people to notice my fatness.  I don't care if that is me being vain, it's me.  I just want to be skinny!
I won't be skinny if I gain the weight Charro wants me to gain.
Charro says that she'll be able to tell if I'm gaining the weight and that we're not just "trying to trick the scale."  Honestly, I am trying to just trick the scale.  I don't know how this will all end up, but I'm not ready to gain any weight. 

I'm not supposed to be weighing myself but I'm home and I'm feeling the need to hop on Bertha.  I love Bertha.  So, I will.  It's wrong, but it is what it is.  If I was locked up somewhere and couldn't do the things I wanted to do, that would be one thing, but I'm not so I can make choices...even if they're not the healthiest choices.

One (or many) might ask why I'm still seeing Charro if I "don't want to get better."  Answer - I don't want to get worse and I don't really want to have an ED (I don't think), but I do not want to gain weight.  Not sure if that sums it up, but I know how I feel about it so that's really all that matters.  She is helping me too, so it's not like I'm throwing my money away.  I'm just not ready for the whole weight gain thing.  Maybe I won't ever be.  Maybe I'll be this way for the rest of my life, who knows.  It's where I am now and as Frank Sinatra says, "That's Life."

Good news, my basement was not flooded. :)

Why am I writing when I don't have time?

I went to Charro this morning, which is unusual for a Monday.  It threw me off.  Well, not really, but it was weird to go at a different time.  I told her that I don't want to gain weight and that I don't need to gain weight.  I must have said something that set her off because she stood up (to throw something out) and said that she is so sick of eating disorders.  I don't know what else she said about it, nor do I have time to think about it.

Oh, we discussed "WIW."  That was an interesting, and funny, conversation that really can't be portrayed in print. 

Really have to go now.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Soaked Sunday

It's rainy today.  I don't want to go outside but I have to.  At least I just have to go out there once.  At least it's "warm" out too. 

I wish I could have slept in, but I always wake up.  It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I'll still wake up around 7 AM.  That stinks.

I weighed myself yesterday.  Hmm, so much for that.  I had to do it.  Okay, I didn't "have" to, but I wanted to.  What's the difference, really?  Weigh, not weigh, it doesn't matter.

Maybe I'll make scones today.  My friend might come over.

Cat IV was unsuccessful yesterday.  I didn't think the fluid was going in so I pulled the needle out and my poor guy was bleeding. :(  It made me feel so bad and I so do not want to try and do it again today.  I hurt him and that kills me.  :(  Makes me sick.

Is it wrong that I have my outfits for the next two Wednesdays figured out?  I've got my two heaviest pairs of jeans lined up to wear, along with some heavy sweatshirts.  I know, I shouldn't be doing this, but it's not like I'm loading my pockets with rocks or something.  Charro is not stupid, I am well aware of this, but I can't do this so I'm doing what I have to do. 

I have to get dressed.  I have this hideously ugly rain coat I can wear when I go out, but it's so ugly.  It's literally from the 1980's.  Oh, I'm so not joking.  I use to wear it when I was in high school and worked out on the stairmaster for an hour so I would sweat a lot.  I also use to put saran wrap on my body too.  Yep, a little messed up but I'm okay with that.

Okay, now I really need to get dressed.  My finger is itchy.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Spring is in the air today

It's beautiful out today.  I just got home and had some lunch.  My cat has decided that she needs to drink out of the toilet now, but she can't really reach so she put her back legs on my scale and then sort of dangles herself into the toilet.  I did take video of this.  Seriously, what is that about??  At least B-2 (scale) is getting some use. 

Speaking of B-2, there is NO way that I'm going to be able to stay off of that thing until March 23.  NOT happening.  It will actually be a miracle if I stay off it until Wednesday.  I have to weigh myself before I get weighed.  Come on now people!  Oh, and this 104.5 business is so NOT happening.  It was bad enough when I thought I had to be 103 with clothes on, but 104.5, pah leeeez.  What does she think is, training for a sumo wrestling competition.  (that number is not fat for other people, just me, by the way).

I stopped wearing my knee brace, but I think I have to start wearing it again.  I'll go a few more days without it and see what happens.  Stupid thing.

I really think I need to weigh myself right now, let's just be honest here.  Let's face it, I can't do this.  I can't do any of it (or don't want to).  I can't not weigh myself when I have my scale sitting in my bathroom.  (ya ya, I could take it next door again but I like having it here.  Besides, my cat needs it. ;) ).  I can't, okay, don't want to, gain weight.  I really don't want to gain weight, therefore I can't.  There are probably a few other things I can't do but I can't think of them right now. 

So my team decided it would be fun to see if they could pick me up.  So, they kept coming over to me and lifting me up, one a time.  "Let me try.  Let me try."  Okay people, I'm not a toy. I have ribs so don't squeeze too hard.  I love these girls though.  They're a great bunch.  I think the girls think the other coach and I are nuts because we're both hyper aerobics instructors.  :)  It's fun!  They think we're Olympians or something because we can do push-ups and stuff.  It's really funny.

Cat IV day today.  Always a good time.  Woo hoo.

It will be a miracle if I stay off the scale...

Run time

I feel like I need to work out...a lot!  Off to the gym now.  Maybe I'll run with my team this morning too, but it's cold and wet so maybe I won't.  Now I must run, literally and figuratively.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Fudgers

I asked Charro is she was going to weigh me for the rest of my life?  She said, "Yes, I'm going to show up when you're 60's."  She said she was going to continue to weigh me until, I don't know, until I get to a weight and stay there and don't drop weight.  I told her that I hate her weighing me and I feel like I'm three years old.

Then I asked her if she was going to care if I get fired.  Like, is she going to care what happens to me and wonder what's going on with me.  She said that she would be very sad.  She said, "You're going to get to 103, come hell or high water...and that will be with clothes on, will be 104.5 probably, so let's just make sure of that.  I'm not an idiot."  WHAT??  I was planning on 103 WITH clothes on!!  This makes things a bit more difficult.  Ugh.  F'ers!!  How the hell am I supposed to do that??  I'm going to have fewer clothes on the further we go on with this, unless it stays 20 degrees out.  I asked her if Kruger would take me back if I get fired and she goes, "You don't like Kruger so why would you go back and see Kruger?"  I said, "I'm not.  I'm just kidding."  Okay, I think it's hysterical that she called her "Kruger."  I get her to call everyone by the nicknames I call them and I love it!  :)  I also got her hooked on chapstick.  I'm rubbing off on her. :)

I really, really have no intentions or desires to gain this weight, so we know what that means.  I told her that I would get worse if I didn't see her and isn't better for me to make little, little changes and keep going instead of getting worse?  She didn't agree with that one.  It makes perfect sense to me.

I also told her about my three stages.  She said that I'd probably go through them again.  She said, "You only had 1 day of anger?"  I said, Okay, maybe 1 and a half days."

Shiites, I have to get my butt in gear.  I have to clean my bathroom and then head out for the day.  I'm supposed to eat more.  Ha!

Oh yeah, I told Charro how it's going to be harder for me to gain weight now because I'm more active.  I'm walking an extra 8 miles a week.  So, in a normal week I walk 20 miles, just to get to the places I need to get to.  That doesn't include any extra places I go to.  I'm going to get so freaking fat when I move out of the city.  Anyway, so she said I need to eat more.  Too bad I don't actually enjoy eating.  If it was fun then it would be better.

I purged...

Myself of some of my "dead" chapsticks.


 
I don't know why the picture came out sideways, but whatevs.  Those are most of  my chapsticks.  I threw out the few on the top right.  It was a sad day.  I love my chapsticks.
 
Charro time...

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Insert stinky facial expression

Let me start off by saying that I think American Idol sucks this year. 


As if gaining weight (or faking it) isn't going to be hard enough, it just got harder.  Now that coaching started back up, I'm probably burning an extra 1000 calories a week, if not more.  I'm walking an extra 8 miles a week to the school and back, so that's about 800 calories, then I'm standing around and moving around on a field for 2 hours.  I'm really screwed if I lose weight.  I could talk to Charro about this but she won't care.  She'll say, "Well you know what that means!  It means that you have to eat more."  Um, okay, like that's even possible. 

I think I have three weeks until the firing occurs.  Maybe she'll cut me some slack???  Okay, I don't think she will.  She definitely means business this time.  I don't think I can keep "moving in the right direction."  I think I might start moving in the left direction. :)  Hey, actually that makes sense if you were to look at the scale.  She moves the things to the right for a higher weight and to the left for a lower weight.  So, that actually makes sense if I say "moving in the left direction."  :)  Oh F'ers.  The situation sucks.  I'm just trying not to think about it...which probably isn't a good thing because I'm in the big D about this firing thing, but it's bound to happen.  Sadness ensues. :(

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Regurgitation

I made some fettuccine for dinner, with some fat free Italian dressing.  One of the fettuccine noodles got stuck in my throat and I had to get it up.  I did not puke, but I did cough (or something like that) it back up and had to pull it out.  TOTALLY DISGUSTING, right?!  Ew.  I was grossed out by it.  That pasta can be dangerous to one's health.


Translation of the day.


Charro -"You're moving in the right direction."  (weightwise)
Translation - You're getting fatter.

WIW Week 3

It was "Weigh-in Wednesday," week 3.  So, I've been tying my warm, knit, winter hat to my pants with the strings that it has so I don't have to carry it.  I had it tied to me last week when Charro weighed me.  I had it tied to me again today, with my mittens inside, but as soon as I walked into her office she said, "Take off your hat."  I pretended like I didn't hear her but she obviously said it again.  She goes, "I know you're loading rocks in there."  I was like, "Oh yeah, because you would never suspect that."  So, I took the hat off and hopped on the scale.  She weighed me at the beginning of the sesh today, which makes sense.  I'm still not sure why she weighed me at the end last week.  I drank water the entire sesh last week (well, I do every sesh, though I did drink a little more than usual last week).  I told her that I hate her weighing me because I feel like she's thinking Ooh, she got fat. She said, "That's like the furthest thing from the truth.  It's so ridiculous.  I just want you to challenge the living beJesus out of that."  Then she said, "I like it and I think you're going in the right direction, which is good.  So, I'm very glad about that.  I'd be very sad if you had to leave and beyond me just being sad, it's just not good for you.  Cheers."  Then she told me to "Keep it moving, girlfriend!"  I don't want to "keep it moving"...at least not in that direction.

So towards the end of the sesh I asked her what I weigh.  She told me!  I almost fell out of my chair.  She's like, "What?"  I said, "I didn't think you were going to tell me."  She said that she's not trying to hide it from me, she just doesn't want me to watch her weigh me.  Makes no sense to me, but whatevs.  So, according to her scale, I weigh 100 lbs. 

She asked me if I had been weighing myself and I told her that I had, with my clothes on.  I said that it doesn't count when you weigh yourself with clothes on and she thought that was the craziest thing ever.  Then she said, "Okay, you're not weighing yourself at all until March 23.  Are you on board?"  I didn't ever answer her and the sesh was over.  I don't think that's going to happen.

My broken toe hurts.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

"WIW" and the 3 Stages

What a busy day, though I do like when they're busy.  I just got back to NYC.  I watched my national television debut.  (no further details on that, though it wasn't because I made the news for doing something wrong.  I was on a tv show on comedy central). 

I ran down the street in my boots so I could catch the bus and now my shin is sore. 

Cat #1 - Sitting on the couch eating a "cookie in a cup."  Let me explain...Tonights CIAC consists of a few spoonfuls of peanut butter cookie mix, a bit of water, a few chocolate chips and 20 seconds in the microwave.  Instant low-fat cookie. :)  I LOVE these!  After all, tomorrow is "WIW" (Weigh-In Wednesday) (pronounced WOOO, if you will).

Cat #2 - Drinking water out of the bathroom sink

Cat #3 - Sitting in a big cardboard box, chilling.

Yes, I did refer to myself as a cat.  I think I was a cat in a past life.

Got my bloodwork back.  All of my numbers that were down are back up, since my ass isn't bleeding anymore.  Eight months of a bloody butt can cause some levels to drop.

I called the nutritionist Charro recommended, but I'm not going to go.  I don't need to see one.  I was just curious as to what she charged, so I emailed her and she called me. 

As I mentioned above, tomorrow is "WIW."  I'm not too thrilled about this day.  I think I'm in stage three of all of this.  When Charro first told me that I had to gain weight or I was going to get fired, I went into the deep depression.  That lasted about 6 days and then it turned into a day or two of anger.  Now I'm in the denial stage.  I feel like she's going to forget all about this and not fire me.  Unfortunately, I know that is so not the case and in about 3 weeks I'll be sans therapista....which will then leave me back at the great depression...which will then cause me to eat less...which could possibly cause weightloss...which could lead me down a path (not the yellow brick road either) to me getting "worse."  That's the short run down of how things have gone and will most likely go.  I hear the "You have a choice in this" voices (not my voices, other peoples').  As one of my real life ED friends said, "Why would she fire you when you need her the most?"  I said, "That's my question exactly!!!"

My butt hurts from sitting.  I was driving forever today and then I was on the stupid train.  No more sitting!  Sleeping will feel good.

Bed time!