Monday, February 28, 2011

Ew...snow

I'm home and there is still snow everywhere.  Well, I think there is, I haven't really looked because it's dark out.  Just looked...still snow, but I saw a mini patch of grass.  Make it go away!!!

I took my milk out of the freezer so I can have my cereal tomorrow morning.  Charro yelled at me for freezing my milk.  Well, I don't want it to go bad.  I only use it once a week.  Good thing I froze most of it because I haven't been here for two weeks.  She said it loses it's nutritional value when it's frozen.  What? I don't think so.  I don't believe that one.

Charro was trying to come up with different foods I can eat.  Being that she is Italian and I'm a vegetarian, she was naming all of these Italian dishes.  I love when she does that because her Italian accent comes out.  She said that should make spaghetti aioli, or whatever it is, and it sounded so funny.  It sounded like she said "spaghetti aoliolioli."  It's weird to hear her say Italian words.  I laugh.

I have to go put my clothes in the dryer and then I can go to sleep when they're done.  Yay....sleep! :)

Bye Bye February

Wow, I think Charlie Sheen needs to stop talking.  Nothing good ever comes out of his mouth.  Wow, I'm watching an interview with him now.  Wow, that's really all I can say.  He's a strange man, even without the drugs.

I'm officially sick of food and eating it.  I don't want to eat anymore.

Here's the good news...Today is the last day of February.  Spring...I see you and I hope you're warm and sunny!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Tea warms me up

I am drinking tea because I was freezing. I feel like I'm going to boot because I was full before I started drinking tea and the tea is just making it worse.  I got home and was so cold so I had to make some tea. 

My cat is crying in the bathroom because she wants me to turn on the sink for her.  Speaking of my sink, the guy came to fix the leak today.  I'm not really sure what he did, but I think all that he did was wipe it down and the leak was magically gone???  I can't figure that one out.  I'm hesitant to put my stuff back under there because I don't want it to end up soaked.

I'm learning what I can't eat with my newly diagnosed condition (Ulcerative Colitis).  Unfortunately, raw veggies is on that list.  I love salads and veggies (luckily I love cooked veggies), but eating them raw is just not working for me.  Oh well.  It is what it is and I'm not dying, so I can totally deal with it.  I just know that I can't eat those things when I'm out and about.  I'm totally over sticking the meds up my butt too.  Unfortunately, that has to continue for a while.

Seriously, I'm so full that I might vomit.  I really won't, but I feel like I might.  I guess I have to clarify those things since I mostly write about ED stuff.

Okay, I'm tired.  I will finish my tea and get ready for bed.  I love sleeping.  I pulled a rib or a muscle sneezing yesterday.  I find that pretty humorous.  My friend's brother, who is a chiropractor, adjusted me tonight.  I hate being cracked and all that jazz, which is why I don't go to chiropractors.  They kind of freak me out.

I'm starting to dread the Wednesday weigh-ins.  That's what I'm going to call them from now on.  Oh well.

Am I supposed to be watching The Oscars?  I don't know why people make such a huge deal out of these award shows.  I don't get it. 

This is the dumbest post in the world.  I still feel like I'm going to boot.  Bye!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I found Pluto

I know Pluto is still floating out in the atmospheric world of space, but I think it got pissed, since it's no longer considered to be a planet, and took up residency on my cheek bone.  I wish I could lance this thing, which I sort of tried to do...Not a good idea, by the way.  I could say I got bit by a spider, but that actually seems worse than just saying, "Hey look at this huge zit on my face!" because that seems to be what we do when I have a facial blemish. :)  I'm sure I made it worse by touching it all night.  Good thing I sleep on my left side because if I slept on my right side I would be so elevated off of my pillow that I might need an oxygen mask. 

I'm glad that I'm cracking myself up tonight.

My cat's new IV drip flowed so nicely.  I got that sucker into him in 2 minutes today.  He's still drinking a ton of water, which has me concerned.  He goes back to the vet in a month for more bloodwork, so we'll see what the deal is.  I'll either be happy that things are improving, or at least staying the same, or...well, I don't even want to go there. 

It's so past my bed time.  I think someone slipped a mickey into my water because I was so hyper and now I'm dead tired.  Okay, maybe not, but the girls and I were sharing our horrible dating stories and one of them included a "mickey" and some stalking. 

Now I'm just delirious because I'm so tired.

A leak?

My bathroom sink might be leaking.  It'd be nice if I could tell.  Clearly there is some sort of leak because it was all wet underneath there when I got home last night, but I can't see or feel anything when I have the water running.  I took my stuff out from underneath and I'm keeping an eye on the situation.

I dropped cherry juice on my white sweater last night.  Of course that would happen.  Peroxide did not get it out.

Why is it when I'm out late I wake up so early?  That's annoying, but at least I can get my day started.  I'm heading to the 'burbs today to do a little shopping.  Yay, Walmart and a real grocery store.  I should make my list.  It's cold out though.  I almost froze last night.  Can we have spring now, please?!

I just want to give a special shout out to my friend in Sunnyvale, CA.  :)  Clearly you're being highly entertained by my "childish and repetitive" blog.  :)

Friday, February 25, 2011

Food is annoying

I have two songs that I haven't been able to get out of my head for the past two months.  They're all I keep singing.  The first one, "If I die Young," by The Band Perry, and the second "Back to December," Taylor Swift.  I am a sucker for Ballads, yes, even those 80's rock ballads.  Hmm, I may have to listen to some White Lion right now.  Gotta love youtube!

I have no idea what to have for dinner.  I have nothing here.  I mean, that's not completely true, there is nothing here that I want to eat.  I am never craving anything and never in the mood for anything, even when I'm hungry.  I could have a protein shake, but I guess that doesn't count as a meal.  I make the same 5 things all of the time and I am so sick of them.  So, I have no idea what I'll eat.  I would eat nachos if they didn't have 6 million calories and 2000 grams of fat.  Clearly I'm still not feeling the whole 103 lbs thing or I would make nachos and eat them, though that would require going to the store to get ingredients.  I hate spending money on food.  It's stupid!  So yeah, no idea what I'll eat.  It might be a shake.  I am sick of stir fry veggies because I make them all of the time.  I have no egg whites, nor do I want those.  I don't want pasta, or anything Italian for that matter.  Oatmeal?  No.  Nothing sounds appealing.  I don't know if I haven't craved a salad in a while because I know that they bother me when I eat them, or if I just haven't been in the mood.  Oooh, I did buy a pineapple, though it's not exactly ripe yet.  Maybe I'll cut into that.  I've been craving an ananas for a week now.  I hate food I guess.

I feel bad that my poor cats have to eat the same food all of the time now that one of them is on a special diet.  They liked their Friskies and now they have gross kidney function food that costs 7 million dollars.  I'd rather feed them and have them be happy than feed myself.  They're cute, squishy and lovable, I'm just funny, squishy, and lovable. ;)

Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to eat for dinner.  Blah!  I want nothing, yet I'm hungry.  This is why I don't eat.  Okay, that's only part of the reason.  I think I have been eating more and I think it's making me more hungry, which is kind of annoying.  I don't want to be hungrier.  I always like when I'm not hungry, but whatevs.  I guess it's good that I'm hungry if I "need to gain weight."  I figure if I gain 3 lbs tops, that will be sufficient, unless Charro weighs me in the summer when I'm wearing less.  I know she wants me to be more than 103 too.  She said, "We'll start at that."  Oh NO NO NO, I will NOT go past that, that is for sure.  I still don't want to go to that, and don't really plan on it, I guess. 

I emailed a nutritionist and she got back to me and told me that I could call her today because she'd be available.  Well, I didn't call.  What's the point?  I don't think I need a nutritionist.  I hate calling people.  I'd have to answer questions and that's not fun.  So, that was that.  I need a personal chef, not a nutritionist.

I need to go feed my cats.  I have to give the little guy his IV tomorrow.  I still hate it, but I think he's getting used to it.  I got a new IV bag from the vet.  I'm going to look pretty funny throwing out an IV bag.  People are going to wonder what that's about.

I want to play my guitar but my nails are too long.  Oh dilemmas.  Ha!

I need to start talking to Charro about stuff, but I have nothing to talk about.  She disagrees.

Sleepy eyes

It's a dreary day here.  My pants were soaked by the time I got back from Charro's this morning.  At least it's "warmer" out.  Our sesh was uneventful.  I thought she might weigh me, but she did not.  I guess she really is going to stick to the Wednesday weigh-in.  At first she said it was going to be random, but it's not really so random.  I don't think I'll ever get that scale to 103 though.  I told her I hate that number. 

Charro doesn't want to call it "getting fired" because she does not want to be put in the "active seat."  She said it's me choosing my ED and not her firing me.  I get that, but she's still firing me.

My uterus is falling out of my body.  Fun times.  I feel like my eyes are not open either.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

It started out as a beautiful day and then got very cloudy very quickly...and chilly.  Rain is in the air, oh and is it ever going to rain.  Walking to Charro's in the torrential downpour will be fun tomorrow morning.  I hate using umbrellas because the stupid things always blow inside out anyway, and let's face it, they really don't keep you dry.  I use one, but still, it just about keeps my neck dry.

I'm tired.  That might have something to do with the fact that I wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there for at least an hour.  Fun.  I'd much rather be sleeping.

I have a date after I teach tonight.  I'm not really looking forward to it because he's got too much baggage for me.  He's divorced with kids, which I am not really into that.  I'm into kids, when I have them, just not dating people with kids.  We'll see.  He seems nice but a bit too granola-y for me.  There's just something about a guy who's into yoga that is a turnoff to me.

I'm supposed to do some writing about some stuff before I see Charro tomorrow.  I haven't done that yet.  Maybe when I'm done working I will do that.

Free Thursdays

I love Free Thursdays at Bath and Body.  Well, I love Bath and Body...especially when they gave me free gifts one Thursday a month. :)  Yay!  It's better than the free Godiva I get every month. 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Book 'em

I just booked a flight to see my bro and his family.  I can't wait to see my adorable little nieces.  I want to eat them and squish them.  I'm going in three weeks.  I couldn't get a window seat, which sucks a butt.  I'm in the middle. :(  How boring.  Maybe I'll get to see Jen while I'm in the Lonestar state.

Is it bed time yet?  I have to go babysit.  I ate dinner at 4 and that's so not allowed in Charro's books.  I was hungry, what was I supposed to do?  I want some fruit but I don't have any.  Not true, I have clementines but I want a pineapple.  The people I babysit for will have fruit but I feel bad eating their food, even though they're rich and can afford food.  I wonder if the mom knows I have an ED.  She always makes comments about my eating, yet she's never had an opportunity to see me eat.  Weird.

What if Charro thinks I'm getting fat?  She might weigh me and think, "Oh, she's getting fat."  I probably shouldn't have my scale in my apartment, but I do.  I want to get on it now.

Nixed that

The nutritionist has been nixed.  I told Charro that I would not spend $300 dollars to have tell me what I should eat.  I can do that on my own.  She understand and said that the lady she wanted me to see does not take my insurance.  I don't think most do.  She sort of talked about what I need to do to increase my calories and then asked if it would be easier for me to drink Ensure.  Um, pffff, like I'm going to do that.  I'm not 95 years old and toothless, thank you very much.  She says it funny too.  She says INsure, like a southerner would say "INsurance."  I want to laugh at her and say, "Charro, it's ENsure," but I'm nice and I don't.

She didn't weigh me until the end of the sesh.  What is that about?  I sort of know what I weighed on her scale.  I can tell if I'm over or under 100 on there by the sound of the bars moving. :)  I love that I know that.  I have a feeling that she might spring a surprise weigh-in on me on Friday, but I'm fine with that.  I didn't do anything to tamper with the scale.

I'm in a better mood today, though I'm not quite sure why.  I'm glad I am, so that's really all that matters.  I didn't really talk much in my sesh.  I don't have words for anything.  I did tell Charro that I don't trust her to weigh me and think that she's going to just let me keep gaining weight because she doesn't like skinny people and wants me to be fat.  She said she wouldn't do that, but I don't really believe that.  Blah.  She said that I have six weeks (though she keeps saying that she's not putting a time limit on it) and then she would recommend a "higher level of care."  Um, that won't happen.  Well, she may recommend it, I mean that me going would not happen.  She said that she knows that she can't force me.  We both know that.  She doesn't like Renfrew, but that's the place she mentioned because I think it's one of the only OP places here.  I've walked by it several times, but I will never go through the door.

My ass hurts because I'm sitting on the floor.

I still have NO idea what I'm going to do about any of this.  I'm just riding it out, I guess.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Here comes the nutritionist

So Charro emailed me today and said she thinks it would be a good idea for me to see a nutritionist.  This is a new turn of events.  She told me that she was going to call the lady who she wants me to see and asked me if I would go.  Well, I told her that I didn't want to write down what I eat and she said that I wouldn't have to.  I have a feeling that I won't end up going to see anyone because no one takes my insurance and I'm not paying $300 to have someone tell me that I need to eat more.  That's redic!!  Definitely no need for that.  So, I guess I'll find out more about all of this tomorrow morning.  Seriously though, $40 is the max I will pay to see someone about this.  Don't really need to waste money I don't have.

Who am I kidding

I woke up at 5 this morning with thoughts pounding in my brain.  I'm trying to picture what my life will be like without Charro.  Will I just get worse or will I stay the same?  It's inevitable.  I will get fired in a month or two because there is no part of me that wants to gain all of that weight.  So, I'm very, very sad that I'm going to lose Charro.  I know I'll be really depressed about it, I already am just knowing that it's going to happen.

I weighed myself this morning.  I'm supposed to weigh 99 tomorrow, I'm 97 now.  So, I'm going to have to pack on the clothes, that's for sure.  I can gain two pounds in clothes and water, but I don't know what's going to happen in the following weeks.  Charro is not a moron!  She knows what people do.

One option is to gain the weight and then lose it again.  I know that she would notice if I lost weight, but that's one option. The thing is, I really don't think I can gain all of that weight, nor do I think that is the weight my body wants to be at.

I thought about what David said...about getting a nutritionist so she could be the one who weighs me and tells me how much I should weigh.  Here's my one issue, I bet Charro would tell her that she wants me to be 103, or the nutritionist would want me to weigh more.  I don't want that to happen.

My other concern is that I will gain the weight (not that I really think that will happen) and Charro won't tell me that I gained it and she'll have me keep gaining it because she wants me to get fat.

Maybe I should just quit going to Charro now.  I'm not talking about anything because my mind is so cluster fucked right now that I have nothing to say.  I just want to lay there and hide.  That's pretty much what I did yesterday.

I really need a punching bag!!!

Monday, February 21, 2011

So much for analogies

Charro hated my analogy.  She said it sucked.  Actually she said, "That's not a great analogy."  Yes it is.  It works perfectly.  Pisser!

I'm in a shitty mood and probably will be for a long time.

Blahhhh

I wish I could make faces on here that would show my mood.  Just got back from my sesh with Charro.  I spent most of the time hiding under my jacket.  Of course she wanted to know why I was hiding and I told her that I didn't want to look at her while she was talking to me and I wanted to close my eyes while I was talking and listening. 

I'm still in a crap ass bag of a mood.  I told her I can't get to 103 and she said that I have to and it's non-negotiable.  I said, "Well I'm just telling you that I can't do it so I'm not pretending that I am."  I was hoping I'd feel better when I left there, but I don't.  She mentioned that she could refer me to a nutritionist if I "don't know how to gain weight."  Everyone knows how to gain weight, that's not the issue.  I just can't do it.  I actually think I feel worse now than I did before I went.  Awesome.  She said I need to be 99 on Wednesday.  That shouldn't be an issue.  I'll definitely make sure I keep my sweater on when I get there, even though I'll be sweating bullets.  I'll wear a heavy one too.

I asked her what would happen if something tragic happens after I get fired.  She said, "Well that will be too bad that you don't have the support you'd need because you're letting your ED get in the way."  Not sure if those were her exact words, but pretty right now.  I used my cats dying as an example.  Then I said, "Well, I'll just go see Kruger!!  She likes cats!!!"  She asked me if I wanted her to refer me to someone?  What?  What's that gonna do.  I won't work with you so go see someone else type of deal?  I don't know.  I just won't continue going to T when I get fired.  That's all.  I went 14 years without it, I can do it again.

I'm just pissed and upset and stuff.  This will suck for a while, I think.

Not sure how this will turn out

I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head.  It's amazing that I slept.  I have a lot of things (well maybe not "a lot") to discuss with Charro today.  It should be an interesting sesh.  I'm not sure what's going to happen or what I'll actually get out of my mouth while I'm there.  I could feel better after I see her, or I could feel a lot worse.  I have a feeling I'm not going to be feeling better.  Maybe I should write some things down, since I'll probably get in there and have nothing to say.  That's what usually happens.  She's the queen of analogies and has one for just about anything.  Well, I've got two today and I think they're pretty damn good.  I guess I'll run them by you guys.

1st situation - she wants me to get to 103 lbs.  I think that's too much. 
analogy - it's like you're telling me I have to run a marathon when I've never run before. :)
2nd sitch - You're helping me, but you don't think you're helping me, or you don't think you're helping me fast enough, therefore you're just going to let me go.
analogy - You're coaching a team.  The girls are improving and learning throughout the season, but have yet to win a game, so you quit coaching because they're not winning, even though they are improving.

Okay, both of those sounded better in my head.

It's snowing.  I'm so over freaking winter.

Time for breakfast, gym, shower, Charro. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Abandonment

I think I sort of figured out how I feel.  I feel like I'm being abandoned by Charro.  This is what I don't get.  She obviously thinks I'm not doing well at all and need more help, or something.  So why, when someone is "not well"  (her words, not mine) would you, a T, stop working with the person?  If you're in the field to help people, why would you abandon them when they apparently need you the most?  This is what I don't get.  It's like, "You're doing badly so I can't work with you anymore."  She didn't say that, but that's what it's like.  Does that make sense?  Also, if she knows that things we'll just get worse without her, why would she fire me?  These people are supposed to be helping people, not letting them go when things go a little south.  It's like, "I really, really want to help you but you have to weigh this much and if you don't get to that weight I can't help you so I'm just going to fire you so you can get worse and die."  Okay, the "and die" was pretty extreme because that's not going to happen, but it flew out of my fingertips so I left it there because I felt like being dramatic. :)  Why can't she accept that she IS helping me and that I'll gain weight when I am ready??  She shouldn't be in charge of that.  IF GOING IS HELPING ME, WHY WOULD SHE CUT ME LOOSE?  I guess what I was trying to say was, WHY CAN'T SHE ACCEPT THAT SHE IS HELPING ME and we can proceed from there???  Grr. 

My physical health is not being compromised right now.  I'm healthy, therefore she can't worry about being liable for me passing out or something.  I think I'm now getting into the pissed off stage because I just don't get it.  Effers!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

This blows...and I almost blew away

I want pineapple and I don't have any.  I'm sure as hell not going out to get any because it's freezing and there are 50 mph winds.  I literally almost blew away today.

I want to do nothing but lay on Charro's couch, face down, with my jacket over my head on during my sesh on Monday.  I want to just lay there and not speak. I don't really having anything to say.  Five or six weeks from I'll be sans therapist I guess.  Hmm, that means I won't be walking around as much either.  I guess I'll save some money.  I'm trying to look at the positives, though there really aren't any.  I'm just going to complain and whine about this for a while so anyone who might be reading this is going to get sick of reading this blog pretty quickly.

Charro told me that she would "hate to fire" me and "doesn't get anything out of it."  I know.  What if she fills my spot while I'm gone?  This sucks.  How does she really expect me to gain weight?  Really?!

I'm just going to go in there on Monday and say "This fucking sucks!" and then bury my face in the couch.

I don't really have anything good to say, just the same thing over and over again.

This blows

Charro always says that I'm "Not doing well."  Well, right now she is probably correct.  I'm not doing well emotionally because of this whole situation.  I guess I am always really good at hiding it and bouncing back when I'm around people, but when I start thinking, it's not fun.  I'm going to tell her that I absolutely cannot go to 103.  I just can't do it.  Maybe we can compromise at 101, which I still do not want to do but it sounds more doable.  Maybe I'll weigh myself right now.  I might as well, since I'm going to get fired anyway and none of what I've done will matter anymore.  I ate a lot yesterday and probably gained 8 pounds, so Charro should be weighing me today.  I'm definitely going to wear heavier clothes when I go in there on Wednesdays and Fridays.  I said I wasn't going to fuck around with her, but I don't know what's going to happen.  She said that I could not screw around and try and look at the number next time, that it was "not funny."  I said, "I wasn't trying to be funny.  I was trying to see how much I weighed."

Alright, I need to go to the gym and run for a very long time.  I hope it's not too crowded there.  Maybe everyone went away since it's a long weekend.

Okay, I just weighed myself and I weighed much less than I expected to weigh.  Very weird.  I don't know how that is even possible.

Friday, February 18, 2011

I think I'm...

Fucked. 

Yeah, well I guess I don't think I am, I pretty much know I am.  I know that I have a choice in this matter but I feel like I don't.  Charro and I talked about what would happen if I didn't gain the weight and, well, it's exactly what I expected...I'll get fired.  She flat out said it.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm guessing I'm going to not be going to therapy come 5 weeks from now.  I don't want to lose her, and I told her that, but again, it's my choice in the end.  Blah!  I don't really know what else to say.  It kind of just sucks.  I will be HUGE if I gain 5 pounds.  This sucks.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The butt doc

I went to the butt doctor this morning.  I wore the same exact outfit I wore to Charro's yesterday because I knew they would weigh me.  The only difference is that I had a very light sweater on and got my hair cut. :)  My hair weighs a lot.  So, against all rules that would probably be in place, I weighed myself fully clothed before walking out the door and heading to the doc.  Oh yeah, I weighed myself this morning, first thing, too.  My scale, lovely Bertha, and the doctor's scale were exactly the same.  The nurse guy left the weight on the scale when he left so I could closely examine it.  Hmm, I think this is information Charro doesn't really need to know.  Anyway, so, according to this scale, I am 98.5.  If that's what I was on Charro's scale, and after listening closely to the tape, I could tell that I was under 100 pounds, then I wonder if she accounted for extra weight from my clothes??  If she did, that's not a good thing because then she'll want me to gain even more weight.  I'll ask her tomorrow but I'm sure she won't answer me.

Oh, so no invasion at the doc.  I have to stick with the same routine and go back and see him in 3 months, but call him in two.  I had to get blood work done today too. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I was so wrong

Charro weighed me today.  Of course she waited for me to take off my boots, which I almost left on in case she was going to weigh me.  I tried to sneak a peak a few times, which lead to me getting smacked in the face.  That's right, Charro hit me in the face, but it's not how it sounds.  She put up her hand to turn my head around and her hand made contact with my cheek.  She definitely didn't "smack" me.  It was funny.  I go, "Did you just smack me in the face?"  So, she didn't like that I was trying to look.  She also goes, "Don't try and look in the mirror because it doesn't work."  How does she know everything I'm going to do??  Does she read my blog?  I don't think she does, but seriously, what's the deal?  Is she that inside my head??  Anyway, I figured out that I can listen to how many clicks she puts the weight bars.  I tried to listen today but I didn't really get it.  I am pretty sure I was under 100 lbs on her scale though. I did catch a few glimpses.  She's going to kill me when I try to sneak a peak next week.  She said I need to gain at least 1 pound by next week.  I should be pmsing so that might actually happen.  We shall see.  I'm not going to get all worked up about it.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

If you're around NYC...

NEDA is putting on a panel even on Monday night.  Here is the info:

http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/Calendar?id=100341&view=Detail

Yelling and mean

My sesh with Charro yesterday wasn't bad.  She did most of the talking because I didn't really have anything to say.  She was "mean" (her words), but I didn't think she was being mean.  She said I have to get to 103 and there are absolutely no way out of that and that she can't work with me if I'm not 103.  She said she's going to weigh my randomly, for her records, but I can't look.  I told her that I can just come home and weigh myself, so what's the difference, but she said that I can't look.  Well, I'm going to try and sneak a peak.  She said, "I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling at this stupid eating disorder.  I hope you know that I'm not yelling at you."   I said, "I know.  I don't think you're yelling at you."  Then she goes, "I know I'm being mean."  I said, "I don't think you're being mean at all."  She was honest and harsh, but I didn't think she was being mean or yelling or anything.  I'm not mad at her and agree with everything she was saying...I think.  She said, "I really like you which is why I want to see you get better."  Oh yeah, she asked me if I wanted to recover and I said "no."  She never asked for my homework, which I still haven't done and probably won't do.  Now I'm just really tired because I had to get up at 5:30 to teach this morning and it's really cold out.  YUCK!  I don't think Charro will weigh me this week, but I bet she does next week.

Here's part of one of our discussions about how I said my clothes wouldn't fit if I gained weight.

Charro- "I don't give a shit about your stupid skinny jeans.  I don't care about your pants not fitting you.  I think That's the dumbest excuse in the world.  That's really when "Carmine" gets desperate.  'But my clothes wouldn't fit.'  You have sick clothes.  (Me-I have normal people clothes.)  You almost had to buy kids jeans, P.  Can you understand that this is real?  I want you to say to me, "Charro listen, I want to live with anorexia.  I want you to say that if that's what you choose. I don't want you to pretend that you don't."

Then she said this about me having to get to 103.  "This is something you're going to do by the way.  There's no getting out of it.  You might hate me for it, but this is my job.  I'm really tired of collluding with your eating disorder.  I play along with your stupid charade.  Eating disorder treatment is about behavhior change and weight change and I've been riding the line with you on this for too long, for years, and I'm done.  We're going to do real eating disorder treatment now.  The first goal is weight change."

Monday, February 14, 2011

No homework

I didn't do the homework Charro wanted me to do for today and "bring in and read" to her.  I just didn't feel like it.  I didn't feel like thinking.  Do I feel a little bit guilty for not doing it?  Yes, but just a tad.  Like I said, I just didn't feel like doing it.  Here are the questions she wanted me to answer:

Do I want this for the rest of my life?

If I don't change now, what will the rest of my life be like?

I just didn't/don't feel like thinking about it, so I didn't/won't.  I still have my hour long walk to her office to think about it, but clearly won't be writing anything down.

Gym time!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

That was a nightmare

I had an awful dream last night.  First it started off with me being really late to teach aerobics so I had to take a cab.  I got in the cab and I didn't have my wallet or my phone.  I had nothing and I was late.  Not good!

Then I was home for Christmas.  My parents decided that I needed to go IP, right at that moment and I got really pissed off and said that I didn't need to go and wasn't going.  I yelled at them and then ran upstairs and got on my computer.  My dad got out the yellow pages and started calling places.  I was like, "No one is going to answer, it's Christmas!!"  He started talking to this guy and the guy told him that I could have heart and organ damage because my dad said, "Do you think she does?"  At that point the guy said, "I don't know, I'm going to need to talk to her."  So my dad called up to me to get on the phone and talk to the guy, but I refused.  I wasn't going to talk and I wasn't going anywhere.  I got on my computer and thought about emailing Charro, but it was Christmas day so I didn't really want to.  Then I thought about sneaking out the front door and then going into the garage to get my bike and going for a bike ride because it was a "warm" Christmas day.

That dream just sucked.  I'm sure it has something to do with seeing Charro tomorrow and having to tell her what I want to do about the weight thing.  I still don't want to gain weight, don't think I need to gain weight, therefore I won't gain weight.  Does she really think I'm just going to start eating more if I'm not hungry or don't want to?  That doesn't happen. 

I'm sure she won't weigh me this week.  I bet she'll wait until next week to surprise me with a weigh-in.  I am betting that she'll do it on Wednesday of next week.  I'm not going to try and tamper with anything, but I will try to see the number.  I remembered that there is a mirror on her door, opposite the scale, so if I'm facing the door, maybe I'll be able to see the number in the reflection, though they're not directly across from each other so I'm not sure it will work.  I'll just turn my head around.  Really, I have a scale here so it's not like I can't weigh myself whenever I want to.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A jaw dropper

Okay, before I get into the weight part of my sesh with Charro, I have to go here first.  Charro commented on how "impressive" it is that I paint my own nails.  I told her that I was going to this big benefit tonight and she said, "Are there going to be men there?  Ooooh"  I said, "I hope so. I hope they're young and single."  She goes, "Maybe some uncles will go."  I said, "Brothers, uncles..." and she goes "Dildos."  I go "What did you say?!!  (as my mouth fell to the floor).  She goes, "Daddy's I'd like to do."  I said, "I've never heard that one before."  She goes, "It's like MILF."  I said, "I know MILF."  Then I repeated how I said, "Yeah, I was like what?"  She goes, "That there will be dildos sitting next to you at the gala."  Okay, I don't need to hear Charro say the word "dildo," thank you very much!  That was odd and totally caught me off guard.  It's like hearing your mom say that word.  Weird.

Oh, I told her how I got scanned at the airport too and she goes, "Were you wearing nice underwear?"  (long pause) "That was a joke."  I said, "I was trying to come up with something like, "I wasn't wearing any underwear."  She goes, "Were you?"  Ha!

She was in rare form today.

Now onto business.  She said I need to weigh 103 in five weeks and that she's going to do "random weigh-ins" with me not looking.  Yeah, I don't like that very much.  Let's just be honest, I have no desire to gain any weight and I'm not going to increase my food intake so I don't really know how this is going to end.  I have to "think" about this all this weekend and write some stuff down and get back to her on Monday as to whether or not I'm signing onto this.  I told her that I didn't want to do it today.  My answer to her was "no."  Oh yeah, she said, "We won't stop there (at 103).  I want you to weigh 110."  WHAT!!?  That is SO NOT HAPPENING...NEVER!!!

I'm sure I'll know more of what happened during today's sesh when I listen to it. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm not gonna like this one

I had a phone sesh with Charro today.  I don't think I'm going to like our sesh tomorrow at all.  She said that tomorrow we are going to discuss my weight and come up with a plan together for me to gain weight.  Well, that's not going to be fun.  Clearly, I do not want to gain weight so I'm not really sure how all of this is going to work out.  I'm also not really sure how she's going to monitor the situation because I'll just stop weighing myself if she thinks I'm going to report back to her on this.  She may have to weigh me if she wants the honest answer. 

I know these are games that I'm playing, but it's because I don't want to gain weight.  That's just the way it is.  I don't know why she thinks I need to gain weight.

I told her I weighed myself the other day.  She asked what the number was, which kind of surprised me.  I told her that it didn't count because it wasn't my scale.  She initially asked me if I had gained weight and I said, "I don't know," because I didn't know.  The number was higher on that scale by a pound but I haven't weighed myself on that scale, so I wasn't lying.

She told me to think about the number thing for tomorrow because we're supposed to come up with a number together.  Ew, no!  I'll be pissy tomorrow, I'm sure.

Plane writing

(I'm now in my apartment)

I'm on the plane right now, watching Law and Order and so ready to take a nap. I went for my last run on the beach this morning and then my last rollerblade along the beach. It was sad to leave. Hopefully, if I'm lucky, I can get back there next month for a quick visit.
Before I went to the pool my dad wanted to know what I was going to have for lunch. My mom said, "A chobani." My dad said, "That's not lunch." I said, "You had three crackers for lunch yesterday." He said, "I can afford to miss a meal, you can't! You have to eat real food, not soup, salad and chobani." I said, "I do eat real food." My mom then responded with, "It's just lip." I don't know who she was responding to, but I didn't quite get it.
The sunset is so beautiful. It matches the sunrise this morning. I'm really, really going to miss the beach. the bottom of my feet got sunburned. Whoops. I can't take a picture of the sunset because my window is really dirty. Oh well.
Time for drink orders with the flight attendant. Water break. Oh yeah, we had to stop and get me dinner for the plane too because my dad wanted to make sure I ate.
My lips are burnt!

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Publix scale wins

It's "chilly" here today.  It was quite cold this morning, but got much nicer by the time I ran on the beach.  We went to Publix after the beach and I was able to escape my parents and go weigh myself on their scale.  I walked over there and then started to feel extremely guilty about the fact that I was going to weigh myself.  All I could think about was Charro and how she would be disappointed in me.  Well, I guess I got over that and weighed myself anyway.  I looked like I was about to commit a crime when I lingered around the scale for this one lady to move...and while I decided whether or not I should actually get on it.  Who knows what the number on that scale means because it's not my scale so it doesn't really mean anything, I guess.  I just wanted to make sure that I was under 100 on it.  Like I said, that doesn't mean I really weigh what it said I weigh.

I came back home, had lunch and went to the pool for an hour and then back to the beach.  There is not a cloud in the sky today.  I came home from the beach because I was chilly.  Now we're getting ready to go to dinner.  I am very, very sad that I have to leave tomorrow. :(  Sad day! :(

I was talking to my friend D. today and we were talking about food and she goes, "What, do your parents think you don't eat?  Believe me, if you weren't eating G. (my psych friend) and I would have words with you."  Basically, she had no idea about my stuff. :)  Ha!


I think that's all I have to say.  I'll leave you with this.

P-Dawg

It's been three years since Polly killed herself.  I was going to make it sound better and write "died," but she didn't die, she killed herself.  She was crazy, nuts and funny as all hell.  (Not crazy as in loony).  We had some seriously nutty conversations.  I'm glad I can still hear her voice when I want to.  I just wish she had mailed my "bitch stick" to me so I'd have that to hold onto.  It looked freaking awesome.

Monday, February 07, 2011

I'm pretty sure

I'm pretty sure that I've gained 78 pounds, got burnt today, and had white wine spilled all over me while I was out at dinner.  Actually, I'm positive about all of those things.  I'm also positive that I saw dolphins, not once, but twice this morning,  I sweated a lot rollerblading, and need to wear more spf tomorrow and spend more time on laying on my stomach to even out my tan.  I'll also positive of the fact that I have a sore throat every night until I get going in the morning, I've gained 78 pounds, and I'm extremely sad that I have to go home on Wednesday.  It's snowed every Wednesday for the past month, why can't it snow this Wednesday so my flight gets canceled? :(  I would be happy if it did.

I will most likely break my scale when I get on it on Friday.  That will NOT be fun and Charro will have a field day with me when I'm in my mental breakdown state.

Bed time!

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Nice morning, ugly day

I woke up in time to watch the sunrise again, but didn't go to the beach.  I went to the beach at 8 AM and ran, and it was a nice run.  I found a few partial sand dollars along the way.  At the end of my run, I hopped in the water and went for a little swim.  The water was BEAUTIFUL.  It's only 68 degrees but it felt really nice and didn't feel that cold.  Oh, I didn't even have my bathing suit on so I jumped in in my shorts and sports bra.  Ha!  There wasn't a freaking cloud in the sky.  After my run/swim, I waited for my parents to pick me up.  I sat at the pier and met some Italian people.  I said a few things to them in Italian and then had to say, "I don't know any other words."  I saw some fish, possibly spinner sharks, jumping out of the water.  Then, the clouds came.  I rollerbladed home and there were thick, gray clouds.  That's how most of the day was.  I was NOT happy about that.  I need to get tan here, people!  David...give me good weather.  These weather people have NO idea how to predict the weather either.  It was supposed to be "partly sunny" today.  Um, not quite.  I did go to the pool and the sun came out for two seconds.

We're going to my uncle's tonight.  They're having steak.  They offered to make chicken for me but I said no.  My dad keeps asking what I will eat.  It's not like I'm going to starve to death.  I've gained 76 pounds since I've been here and I think the Publix scale is calling my name.  I might have to get on it before I leave here, which won't make Charro happy.  Oh well.

I just got tired.  I feel fat and I feel like I look fat.  Not a good feeling at all.  Now I have to go see all of my relatives whom I haven't seen in a year.  Hopefully I won't get any comments.  I think they're too stupid to make comments.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Sunrise








This morning...

I woke up early so I went to the beach to watch the sunrise.  It was beautiful, lots of yellow.  I'll post pics when I download them.  Then I went to Publix, my favorite grocery store in the world.  I bought breakfast for my parents and came home.  Now I'm just sitting here.  I should go rollerblading or something, but maybe I'll just chill here until I go to the beach around 10 AM.  I guess I could pack up some "beach snacks."  I love beach snacks.

I'm tired.  My face it toasty red.  My parents and I went to shell beach yesterday.  There are really cool rocks and my mom took a few pics of me in the rock caves.  I actually like the way I look.  My arms look skinny and toned and you can see my ribs, but not in a gross way.  So, I'm happy with the pictures and don't feel the need to delete them.

I was just going to say something else but I can't remember.  Brain flub.  I need to put on some serious sunscreen today.  It's beautiful out.

Friday, February 04, 2011

Dolphins on the beach

I had a phone sesh with Charro this morning after I finished my run on the beach.  My calves will be quite sore tomorrow since I had to run on the top part of the sand.  Oh yeah, and I saw three dolphins swimming, which was beautiful.  Of course I didn't have my camera with me because I was running.  Of course!! 

So, Charro and I chatted about what happened the other night.  We're debating about whether or not my parents will say anything else to me while I'm here.  She thinks they won't and that I should bring it up, but I can't do that. 

I went to the pool all morning and came back to the house at 2 PM.  My dad asked me if I wanted some pasta fagioli and I said no.  He said, "You have to eat something!"  Yes, okay dad. 

Then we went to shell beach and collected shells.  Maybe I'll post some pics of the cool rocks when I get back from dinner, which I'm heading to soon and am hungry, which is good so then my parents will see that I eat.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Need more sun tomorrow, please

Ahh, there is nothing better than the feeling on feet in the sand.  The best I tell ya!!

Today was nice, but not sunny enough.  It was 80 degrees and I went to the pool.  Of course when I decided to go to the beach it got cloudy and a  little chilly.  The beach was beautiful this morning.  I walked and it was wonderful.  The water, though only 68 degrees, felt really nice.  Now I'm doing laundry and going to bed.  I'm talking to Charro in the morning.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

That didn't take long

I am on Florida...Yay!!  I landed, hugged my parents, got in the car and then we stopped at Target.  We were checking out and my mom goes, "Did you lose weight?  You look awfully skinny."  I said that I hadn't.  She asked how much I weigh and I told her I don't know.  I told her I lost weight in December.  She said that someone told her that I looked the skinniest they've ever seen me.  I asked her who but she wouldn't tell me.  She said, "I can't tell you.  I promised them I wouldn't say who it was."  What!!!??  Who was it and why won't she tell me who it was??  GRRR!!  Seriously, I was only with them for 30 minutes before this was said, and half of that time was spent in the car.  Ugh!!

Beach in the morning for a walk/run, then the gym, pool/beach.  Night!

Out of the ice age

I woke up at 4:30 this morning.  I am exhausted, especially since I haven't been sleeping well for the past five days.  I made it to Charro's without falling on my ass on the sheets of ice sidewalks.  The trees looked really pretty though, I must say.  We're planning a phone sesh for Friday and another one on Monday.  I gave her (ha) Wednesday off.  :)  I forgot to pay her and I feel bad about that.

I am having serious guilt issues about working out today.  I had planned on going to the gym when I got back from Charro's, though I did NOT want to go at all!!  I am tired and just do NOT want to be there, so here I am.  I haven't gone and I am leaving for the airport in 3 hours so I am not going to go.  I feel like I should go because I'm going to be sitting for at least 3 hours on that plane and will be antsy.  Plus, I won't be going to the gym in Florida, although my mom's friend invited me to go with her tomorrow so I will go. ;)  I will mostly be doing beach workouts, which is fine with me because it makes me happy.  I'll be rollerblading too.  :)  I packed my jumprope.  I'm excited to just be outside in the nice weather.

Of course I have the anxiety of my parents saying things to me.  I'll deal with that when the time comes.  I guess I should do stuff around here that I need to do.

Ciao for now.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Walking and the brain

I just saw on the news that walking briskly three times a week increases the size of one's brain.  GEEZ...My brain must be exploding out of my head! :)


I also just saw that there are thousands of sharks swimming a few miles off the coast of Palm Beach.  I'll be sure to stay CLOSE to shore!!!!


Please, please, please let my flight take off tomorrow!!!


I need to go to the gym but I really don't want to.  I am not sure what I should do:  Run, elliptical, a little of both??  I'm going to be doing a lot of running in Florida, so maybe I should do the elliptical??  I can't wait to run on the beach and get nice, soft feet.  I love that.  That's the only way to run!  I can't wait to rollerblade along the beach as well.  SOOO NICE! :)


I'm going to attempt to give my cat his IV by myself today.  Well, by that I mean without the help of the vet lady, but with the help of a friend.  I hope it goes well. Stress!


I want something gummy, like sour gummy worms.  I'll have a grapefruit.  That's the closest thing I have to something sour and gummy. :)


I ended up emailing the gym girl and we had a few email interactions. She thought it was very thoughtful that I reached out to her. She said she'd love to grab coffee.  I told Charro about this and at first she thought it as good that I did that and then she didn't like the idea of me hanging out with her.  I don't think it's going to make me more disordered.  I don't even know if she has an ED, though my instinct is pretty sure that she does.


I guess I should get ready to go to the gym.  I'm thinking elliptical.