Monday, May 30, 2011

Baby birds

I made it through the weekend without weighing myself.  Since the weekend ended last night, the fact that I weighed myself this morning means that I made it through the weekend.

I went to a friends for campfire smores last night.  I ate a bunch of them and that's fine.  They were good.

Today, I saw this girl who I know, at the gym.  She was severely anorexic a few years ago and now she's clearly anorexic still.  "Clearly anorexic" is my made up term to describe people who clearly have an eating disorder.  I kind of want to look like she does.  I actually just saw her again when I drove by her house, she was out working on her farm.

So we have a family of baby birds in a tree stump.  They are so ugly/cute.  They just hatched.  I will post a video tomorrow.  They are all pink, with big bulging black eyes that haven't opened yet.  The mamma keeps going to get them food and brings it back for them.  Cute. 

That's all.  I might make brownies.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

All over the place

I took out the cat carrier this morning and that sent one of my cats heading right under my bed.  This should be fun!  I have no idea how I'm going to get both of my cats into this little carrier.  My parents were going to bring another carrier but they're not coming because one of my friends is bringing me home.  It saves them a trip, which is nice.

I have a hangnail that I can't rip out.  I know if I pull hard enough it will be pretty bloody.  It's one of those painful ones that you just want to pull out but it hurts to do that.

I haven't weighed myself since Friday, which is good (for me).  I guess I felt bad because when Charro asked me how often I've been weighing myself I said, "A couple of times."  To me, a couple means 5, to most people it means 2.  Regardless, I've been weighing myself everyday, which is more than "a couple" of times, so I'm trying to weigh myself less.  (I just ripped out my blood!)  I won't get to weigh myself at all while I'm away so this is good practice, I guess.

I leave next Saturday for trip number one.  That's a work trip, unrelated to my job.  It's a freelance gig.  I get back and then leave for my cross country drive 2 days later.  Before you know it, June will be over and summer will be almost over, which makes me very sad. :(

My cats hate the Fancy Feast I bought them.  Of course I bought a ton of it at BJ's, so that sucks.

Have you guys heard about the couple raising their child genderless?  WHACK JOBS!!  They won't tell anyone what sex their kid is.  It's name is Storm and it looks like a boy.  I think the parents are nuts.

I'm starting to think about weighing myself, so now I want to weigh myself.  Hmm, gotta get past this one.   Not sure I'll be able to.

I guess I should get my stuff together, but I don't want to freak my cats out.  They'll hide.  We're not leaving until later because I have to go teach.  I'm talking to my Aussie friend right now. 

This post was all over the place.  Oh, and here's the cutes thing ever.  Cutest thing

Saturday, May 28, 2011


So, something did not work well with my stomach/UC today.  Maybe it was my protein shake with all the fruit, though I eat tons of fruit so I don't think it could have been that, or maybe it was the carrots.  I think it was the carrots.  Whatever it was, it was not comfortable.

It's late.  I'm tired.  I need to go to bed.

Friday, May 27, 2011

O's final episode

I just watched Oprah's final episode.  Like I said before, I was never an Oprah follower, but I'm a big fan of finales and peoples' last days on shows.  So, my friend and I just watched it.  I have to say, it was very well done and very moving.  I think she's a very smart woman, in so many aspects.  Watching that show was inspirational, even if the inspiration only lasts for a few minutes, I guess it's better than nothing.  I'd like to make it last longer, we'll see.  I like inspirational things.

I have a headache.  I can never tell if the headache is a result of running or dehydration.  I don't know how I can possibly be dehydrated because I drink a ton of water, so it must be from running.  I get them a lot when I run.

I can't wait to go to sleep.  :)  I love sleeping.

Summer is here

I was trying to figure out why I've been so tired today and then I realized it's because my uterus is falling out.  Duh!  I  could just go to sleep right now.

It's finally hot out and I love it.  Yay for summer!! I love summer, I can't say that enough.  This isn't the reason why I love summer, but when it's hot I don't feel like eating.  Today, I don't really feel like eating because it's hot out and I went running in the heat and I'm tired.  If I laid down, I'd fall asleep.  I need to clean my apartment but I don't feel like moving.

I was trying to figure out why my back didn't really hurt that much today and then I figured it out, I took aspirin.  Duh!

OMG, they put palm trees at this beach in NJ.  I SOOOO NEED to go there.  I just saw it on the news.  I need to go to that beach!!  That's rockin'!

I need to feed my cats but they're sleeping so I guess they don't really want to eat at the moment.

EW, there's a story on the news (they feature restaurants) about this restaurant that serves cow innards.  EW!  That's nasty.  I might go vomit now.


I got a "good" when I stepped on the scale today.  That means that I was where I was supposed to be.  Ha!  I wore a jean skirt.  Maybe that will be my new jeans. :)  I think I'm done being weighed until I get back from Nashville in two weeks, though I could be wrong.  She might weigh me next week, but I don't know.  After that, if I don't "lose" weight, I'll just get random weigh-ins.  Random weigh-ins will be an issue.  I won't have any extra weight on me if I don't know I'm being weighed.  Oh well.  The truth will come out.

I'm tired!  I saw all the crazy Gaga fans leaving the park this morning. 

My cats are going on "vacation" for 6 weeks.  They're going to my parents house since I'll be away a lot and then I'll be home, enjoying the summer and my pool, since Charro will be away.

It's finally hot out! YAY!

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Yay, tomorrow is WIF!!  Okay, I'm really NOT excited about it at all.  I have to try on a few different outfits to see what's going to work.  I also have to hand in my stupid food log tomorrow.  She better not make me write things down after I hand this in.  I'm so done with it.  I'll rebel.  I'm supposed to get a little break from the weigh-ins after tomorrow, if everything goes well.  Let's face it though, there's no way I'll be able to get to where I need to be without my jeans.

Good news, I get to stick things up my butt for the rest of my life.  Woo hoo!!  In the grand scheme of things, it could be a lot worse, but really, sticking things up my butt every night is not fun.  It just isn't!

I'm so thirsty.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A WIW gotcha

Charro said she was going to weigh me today because I wasn't wearing "those jeans."  I almost freaked out because I knew that would have been a disaster, though I'm not sure I'm how I'm going to avert the crisis on Friday, but I have a day to think about it.  I said, "I thought we were going to have WIF."  She said, "Yes, I'll weigh you on Friday."  Phew!  Close call.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm watching Oprah's second to last show.  I'm not a big Oprah fan but I figured I'd watch because there'd be good peeps on.  So far, so good.  Kristen Chenowith, the tiniest person in the world, has such an awesome voice.  I think I could stick her in my pocket.  She's like a mini person.  I saw her on the street once.

I'm playing hockey tonight.  YAY!!  Let's hope I come back in one piece.  I need to run around a bit. 

Charro tomorrow.  No WIW though.  I hope she's just not trying to trick me and told me that she's going to weigh me on Friday and then really weigh me tomorrow.  That would suck.  I guess it doesn't matter because I won't be near the weight on either day.

Oops, I was going to paint my toenails and I forgot and now it's too late because they'll get smooshed.

What is that?

I'm not sure what's going on outside my window, but it sounds like there is an industrial sized vacuum out there. 

I was helping this old lady with a walker cross the street yesterday, wait, let me start over.  I saw that this woman needed help because her walker was stuck in a puddle and a ledge or something.  So I asked her if she needed help and I started to push her walker.  Well, her purse, filled with plastic cups, bowls and forks, fell right into the puddle.  She started yelling "Pick it up! Pick it up!"  I was like, "lady, don't yell at me, I'm trying to help you."  Well, I didn't say that, but I thought it.  She's like "It's all wet.  Just leave everything there."  I don't even know if she thanked me for helping her.  I stuck my hand in that puddle of muck and had to bleach it when I got to where I was going.  Ew!

It would be awesome if my back didn't hurt all of the time.  Sleeping even sucks.

Time to work out.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The FJ is back

The stupid food journal is back in my life until Friday.  I think Charro probably doesn't believe that I'm eating so I have to write everything down again, which is so highly annoying.  Whatevs, I'll do it if it gets her off my case with weighing. 

There will be no WIW this week, but WIF instead.  That's better since I have to book it out of there on Wednesday and will be carrying bags and stuff.  I don't want to have to worry about getting weighed on top of catching a train and running to the train with excess heavy baggage.  My shorts might fall off.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I still have absolutely no desire to go see Charro tomorrow.  I'm just hoping this feeling lasts through July.  I don't want to go.  I don't have anything that I want to talk about.  Maybe I should cancel my sesh on Wednesday so I don't have to get weighed.  She'd weigh me on Friday, but I can figure something out for that.

I am still freezing.  Of course I have a light comforter on now and I need my nice warm one, but that went home with my parents.  I can't turn the heat on.  Brr.  I drank tea/hot water all day and that didn't help.

I need to go to bed.  More clouds tomorrow.  I'm planning on running to Charro's tomorrow, but I realized that that's not really enough so maybe I'll work out first and then run.  It would be a good warm up, even if I just did 20 minutes on the elliptical or something.  We'll see.  I guess if it's raining I won't run there.

I love The Pains (not my back pains)

It's freezing here.  This weather sucks!!  This is the worst Spring ever.

Last night I went out on and adventure.  One of my friends wanted Indian food...I HATE Indian food but I went because I talked to her into go out.  Anyway, it was NASTY!!  I literally almost threw up.  I do not like the spices used, though I do like spicy food.  YUCK!  No more Indian food ever!

We went out of the city to get dinner.  There was a cop van parked outside the restaurant the entire time and the cops could see us through the window.  When we left the restaurant they apparently waved at us so one of my friends waved back.  We kept on walking and I turned around and go, "Um, they're following us."  My friends were like "No way."  Yes way.  They pulled up next to us and rolled down the window and started talking to us.  They asked us where we were from. I guess we looked like we didn't belong.  Ha.  Then one said, "Well, why don't I give you my number in case you guys need us for anything."  Nice pick up like, huh?  We laughed.  Then we said goodbye and they pulled up a little farther down the street and we talked to them again.  The one cop goes, "Why don't I get out and talk to you."  Um, okay.  So they were like, "Ever been in a cop car before?"  I said, "Well, just that one time but I can't talk about it."  They really thought these lines were going to work on us?  They didn't, but it was fun to get hit on anyway.

I'm watching Growing Pains on DVD because it's the best show.  One of my favorite lines, "The fact that you're here doesn't make you a chaperone." - A lady
"The fact that you're here, doesn't mean you're here."  -Maggie

My back feels like crap but I'm going for x-rays and to the doctor in a week and a half. 

I need to make some more tea because I'm freezing.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Big yellow thing

The sun FINALLY came out today.  I was so happy.  It came out yesterday morning for about 30 minutes but then went into hiding and rained again.  I went for a run in the park and then a walk and then laid out on the roof.  It was so nice.   I fell asleep.  Naps in the sun are the best!  Now I'm nice and clean and just sitting here.  I'm going to vacuum for the third time in 24 hours.  I vacuumed yesterday before company, then after because they made a mess and now I'm going to finish it over because I had a dog visitor last night too. 

It's cloudy again.  I hope it gets nice so I can go watch the sunset upstairs or go out and sit outside somewhere. 

Charro's going to tell me that I "turned a corner" when she sees me on Monday.  I still don't feel like going so maybe that will make both of our trips and me being away from seeing her for so long easier.  I think therapy breaks can be good sometimes, probably not when you're going to be unable to work out for like 10 days though.  Oh well.

It's going to be 85 degrees on Wednesday.  PLEASE, oh PLEASE do not weigh me on Wednesday.  I will most definitely be SCREWED and FIRED!!  I'm going to be in summer clothes and that's like 3 lbs less than what I've been wearing.  I'm going to have to make this work but I'm not quite sure.  An ace bandage would help.  I could wrap it around my stomach and stick heavy objects in it. :)  She would NOT stand for me being 4 lbs less than this week, that's for sure!  If I'm lucky, she won't weigh me though.  I don't think I'll get lucky. :(  I guess this paragraph makes that paragraph before kind of moot because I may get fired on Wednesday anyway.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I didn't get fired

Well, I didn't get fired...yet.  I'm not really sure what's going on.  She knew I was not in a good mood and wanted to know why.  She said that she see it in my body language.  I told her that I don't care if I get fired because it doesn't matter.  I told her that I'm eating well so if my weight doesn't reflect that than it's not my problem and I don't care if I'm not 103.  So then she said that if I could promise her that I'd could continue to eat well and not restrict she might not weigh me every week.  So, I told her I could do that.  Please, just let her STOP weighing me.  It makes me totally insane.  So, I don't know what's going to happen with the weigh-ins.  We're obviously going to take a break while I'm away and while she's away, but I see her a few times in between those times, so I don't even know.  I am making no sense, I know.

So, I got weighed.  I'm pretty sure I weighed less than 103 on her scale.  I pretty much "cleaned out" my system this morning.  She didn't make any comments after she weighed me.  I didn't ask either.  I just didn't want to go there.  Usually she'll say "good job," or "keep it up," or "you have to eat more."  I got nothing today, nuttin!  So basically I don't know where I stand with anything.

So Charro goes, "So are you saying that because you have anxiety about whether you're going to be a certain weight and whether we're going to have to take a break, that you've just decided screw therapy?  I said, "Yes, sort of."  She also said she's "glad to consider not weighing" me, but she wants to make sure I don't lose weight because it's "not good for me."

Pretty much, I don't know what's going on and I don't think I care.  It all just is.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

So not feeling it

I really don't want to go see Charro tomorrow.  (Why is my cat behind my TV right now?)  I don't want to deal with the whole weigh in and I don't feel like talking about anything.  I just don't want to go.  Maybe part of me hopes I get fired so I don't have to go anymore.  I don't really know?  I guess I don't want to get fired, but I just don't want to go tomorrow.  I don't really have any idea about anything.  I know I'm tired and have to dry my hair before I go to bed.  I'm trying to decide if I should go into my sesh tomorrow without weighing myself down and be like "I don't care, fire me," or if I should weigh myself down and fake it again.  Decisions.

Watch this

Finally giving in

I think I've realized that I need to go to the doctor for my hip/back issue.  This is been happening for over 10 years and now it's getting worse.  I did go to the doctor back then.  I might have a tear somewhere, according to some PTs.  I feel more pain in the hip area and it sometimes hurts to touch (not the bone).  So, I'm waiting for a doctor recommendation and then I'll call and make an appointment.  I know they'll suggest an x-ray and MRI because that's already been suggested by the PT.  I just need to figure out what's wrong and I know the pain isn't normal so I need to get it checked out.

In other news, the sun came out today.  Okay, that's not really the other news, but it sort of is.  I'm not looking forward to seeing Charro tomorrow and having WIF!  I don't want to go talk and I don't want to get weighed.  If I get fired, so be it.  I'll save money.  I don't care anymore.  I'm going to eat how I eat and if my weight stays the same then that's how it is.  Of course I'll freak if it goes up, but I'm not talking about that right now.  I don't know if I should go in there tomorrow and be like Listen, I don't care what I weight right now.  If I'm not at the weight you want me to be at, then fire me.  I'm eating meals and snacks and eating enough so there's nothing more I can do about it.  If that's not good enough for you then that's how it is.  I kind of have a feeling that I won't say that, but who knows.

Should I wear my jeans or will it just piss her off?  I don't want to piss her off but I want to wear my jeans.  Hmm, decisions.  Anyway, tomorrow may or may not be my last day with Charro.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Popping hips

I tried to make an appointment for PT because my hip is out (or was, it might have popped back into place when I was walking before), and I couldn't get in to see the lady until June 13th.  WHAT?  Seriously?  What good is that?  I asked if I could see someone else but the lady said that I had to see the same woman I saw or had to talk to her so she can recommend someone else.  Well, she's on vacation until the 31st so that's not going to happen either.  I told the lady that my issue would be resolved by then so I didn't schedule an appointment.  Besides, I'll be away.  I was SO pissed.  So, I called another place and I have an appointment on Friday.  Like I said, I think my hip went back into it's spot so I will cancel tomorrow if that is the case.

It's rainy and miserable here.  POURING rain.  At least it's not like it is down south.  At least I'm inside too.  I just missed it when I was out earlier.  I didn't feel like bringing my umbrella with me.  I got a little wet but the rain wasn't too bad when I go caught in it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The realization

I think I've come to the realization that I don't want to change.  I don't want "recovery," whatever the hell that means.  The way I eat doesn't bother.  My weight doesn't bother me.  I don't think I am underweight or unhealthy, therefore I do not want to, and possibly even refuse to gain weight.  That, of course, will lead me to getting "fired" from Charro, which I guess is fine if I really don't want to change.  Of course I will be sad to lose Charro, but I don't think she'll be willing to work with me even if I tell her that I don't want to change my ED but I want to work on other things.  (Not really sure what those "other things" are.  I don't even know if there are "other things" but she always says that so I'll say it if it allows me to keep working with her).  Again, I don't think she'll work with me.  It's 103 lbs or goodbye and since I'm not willing to get to 103, it looks like goodbye.

I really, like I said, am not willing to gain the weight.  Obviously there are a things I would like to change, like not freaking out about my upcoming trips because of the working out/food reasons.  I don't really know what's going to happen here but I'm completely prepared to be on a hiatus from Charro for a while.  I won't go see someone else, what's the point.  If I'm not willing to make changes, there is no point in continuing to fake trying.  I would be fine living the rest of my life the way I am.  The only thing that bothers me about it is that my parents worry.  I'm not miserable and unhealthy so I'm okay eating the way I do and living this way.

Right now I need to go to bed.

Things I've learned today

  • Paula Abdul's 80's music makes me want to dance.
  • Cat blood comes out of clothing (don't ask).
  • I don't really think I want recovery.
That's all for now.  Maybe I'll learn some more stuff before the day is over.

Maybe getting fired wouldn't be so bad

It's cold and rainy...again.  I don't have to leave my apartment except to go to the gym, which I'll do in a few minutes.  Yay!  (Yay for only having to leave my apt. once, not for going to the gym).  I wish I could turn my heat on, but they've turned it off for the season.  It's cold.  I'll drink lots of tea today.

I'm actually happy that I don't have to go see Charro tomorrow.  It's nice to have nothing that I have to do.  Maybe getting fired wouldn't be such a bad thing.  Who ever thought I'd say that?  Summer's the best time to get fired anyway so I can spend more time at my house and in my pool "working."  Hmm, something to think about.

I'm half dressed for the gym.  I guess I should brush my teeth and get the other half of me dressed.  I just don't want to go outside.  Yuck!  It's going to rain all week.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Cats all over the place

I feel like my buddy boy (cat) is gaining weight and that IS a GOOD thing.  It's a good thing for my cat but not for me.  He's sick so he needs to gain weight, that means that he's doing better...I think.  I'm not a vet so I don't really know, but I knew he was sick when he lost weight so I know him gaining weight is good.  He's sitting behind me purring right now.  My other one is in the bathroom meowing because she wants me to turn the sink on for her.  The life of a cat lady.

My sesh with Charro was more uneventful than I expected.  We talked about how I feel about her just saying "see ya" if I'm not at 103.  She tried to explain her reasons behind it, but I still don't really get it.  I just wish she didn't have a damn scale in her office, that would solve all of my problems.  Okay, maybe not all, but some. :)

My cat is on my right shoulder.  I'm watching Dancing with the Stars.  The fall that one of the dancers took almost made me puke.  Ouch!  I can't believe Kirsty Alley is 60 years old.  How did I not know that?  I have a whole new respect for her.  My other cat gave up on me turning on the sink for her and is now sitting on me.

I have to listen to my sesh from today because I don't really remember what happened.  At least I didn't walk out of there in a bad mood, that's a plus.  Friday, now that might be a different story!!

Nutty emails and passing out

I was on the subway this morning and I was standing next to this girl.  I had my head down reading the paper and I noticed her lack of balance.  Then I saw people grabbing her.  I looked up and she was out cold.  Passed out.  She got off at the next stop and someone got her help.  I made it to my sesh on time.

Apparently I "deservee to have an 8 inch penis."  That's pretty funny since I'm usually getting emails from AARP addressed to Janice.  (Not my name).

I got stuck in a serious downpour.  I had an umbrella, I just didn't feel like putting it up.  Also, please remind me never to take the bus.  It takes 8 minutes to go 3 blocks.  Lord help us all.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Coming to terms

I should just come to terms and accept the fact that I will get fired by Charro soon.  Yes, it will be my fault, but I can still whine about it. :)  It's supposed to be sunny and warm on Friday, the day I'm getting weighed, which means that I'll possibly be wearing shorts.  She's already told me three times that I'm not allowed to wear "those jeans."  Without those jeans and some coins in my pocket, I'm not going to make the weight.  That means that I'm gone instantly.  Let's face it, I just can't gain that weight because I don't want to.  I won't do it, therefore I will end up getting fired and be really sad and pissed about it.  I guess there's no point in dragging it out, I don't want to do it and when I don't want to do something I don't do it.  So, it sucks, but it's my decision and I have no one else to blame but myself. 

Tomorrow Charro and I are going to discuss how I feel like she's dropping me when I'm most in need.  She wants to discuss that "in depth."  That will be fun.

I made dinner but didn't eat it.  I'm not in the mood.  I made eggplant and it looks disgusting because I baked it instead of frying it.  I set off my smoke alarm too, and scared the heck out of my cats.  I also made sauce.  Whoops, did I turn the stove off?  Yep, I did.  Maybe I'll have a yogurt.
Keebler is fantastic.  How did I NOT know that they made a cookie equivalent to a Samoa??  Um, hello!!  I just saw them at the store today.  They were really cheap so I bought some, just what I need to gain 300000 pounds.  Oh well.  I ate three of them.  I was starving when I got home from the gym.  I've since made an appropriate meal of spinach and beans.  It's too hot to eat so I haven't tasted it yet.  After eating those cookies I should probably go run 20 miles.  I bought some avocados and made some guac too.  At least that is good fat.  The cookies, those are just going to add on to my back baggage.  Awesome.  Oh well.  Maybe I should go on a huge cookie binge Thursday night before I get weighed on Friday.  If I'm not 103, I'm outta there and she means instantly.  There's no "we'll talk about this," it's just a flat out "goodbye."  Blah.  I don't want to get fatter.  I hate it.  I am so much happier at 98 pounds.  I really am.  I'm less obsessive too. 

I desperately need to take a shower after I eat my lunch.  Then I'm going to go to the store, which will add a mile and a half onto my walking for the day.  At first I thought it was more like three miles more, but it's not.  That's sad.  I want to buy some eggplant to make eggplant.  I'll eat, weigh myself, and then freak out because I've gained weight.  Then I'll end up not really eating again.  Well, eating less I guess.  I have a ton of fruits and veggies to eat, so at least those are good for me.  I've already eaten too much today, I feel like.  It was those damn cookies.  I guess the calories weren't too many.

That's all folks.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Mouth on fire

My mouth is on fire.  I just ate too much salsa that was apparently too hot. 

I need a nap.  I need to clean.  I need to take a shower.  Those are my needs for the day.  I (don't) need to go to Ann Taylor Loft, but I will. :)  It's gross out.

So Charro dropped the F-bomb a few times yesterday.  I was talking about how I can't sit still in the car for a long time because my back starts to hurt.  She said, "Do you think your body's so fucked up from your crazy exercise stuff?"  I think everyone starts to get uncomfortable with they sit in a car for too long.

Here's what Charro had to say about me not making weight:

"If you don't keep your weight up we have to do a hiatus at least.  You have to make weight!  It's that critical that you don't restrict and that you eat well.  It's that critical that you keep it going.  It's that important that you act opposite to the voices in your head that are Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed that abusive son of a bitch.  It's not real."

Then I said that I couldn't take an instant hiatus because she has my Portia book.  She said that she'd give it to me right now but I said that I couldn't take it because people would see it. She responded with, "You're not proud of what you do?  You're ashamed of how you live?  Yeah, big fucking problem!"  Then I said, "Wow, you didn't even have a Coke" and she said the same thing at the same time.

I asked her how much weight she takes off for clothing.  She said that she takes off half a pound to a pound.  She said she doesn't care about my weight and she just wants me to eat well and watch my exercise.  She said she would trust my body if I just ate more.  She told me to "not screw around and stop wearing those jeans." 

She responded to my email yesterday and said she wants to talk more about it in depth on Monday.  Fun!

My mouth stopped burning.  Maybe I should take a nap.  I'm so torn about this weight thing because I'm getting back down which I'm happy about, but it's also not good because then I'll get fired.  I hate that.  It sucks.

Okay, nap time.

Friday, May 13, 2011

It's finally working

I was gone literally all day yesterday, from 5:30 AM until 11 PM, so I guess I didn't miss blogger be down all day and part of today.  It was annoying though.

I was sitting in a car for a while yesterday, which was uncomfortable physically and mentally.  I can't sit that long because my back starts to bother me.  Then I had to eat a big dinner with all of my co-workers and boss for his birthday, which was very nice.  We surprised him.  Anyway, I felt disgusting and huge.  I had to go to the bathroom after dinner and it's a single bathroom.  Well, I was going to the bathroom and I had a tickle in my throat so I tried to cough.  I learned can't cough and pee at the same time, it just doesn't work.  I also didn't want to cough because I didn't want people to hear me and think I was puking or something (which I don't do).  I also didn't want my eyes to get all red and watery, but I had a serious tickle from a hot pepper in my throat.  I guess the biggest problem was that I had to cough but couldn't physically because I was peeing.

I saw Charro this morning.  She said that we're going to have to take a hiatus if I lose any ounce of weight.  Here's what I don't get, and I've said this before, how can she just drop me when I'm having a hard time and struggling?  That's what I don't get and I just wrote her and asked her that.  I told her not to respond, that I just wanted to give her my thoughts so we could discuss them on Monday because I know I will "forget" about it and not bring it up.  She said I have to gain weight because I was down on Wednesday.  She also brought up how I am not allowed to wear those jeans again next Friday.  I told her I'd wear my bikini instead.  Ugh, flashbacks to my bikini wearing body image research study I did last year.  That was traumatic.  That was the WORST...standing in front of the Steph (the T) and the mirror and having to stare at myself.  Ugh. I need to move on and not think about that.

So, that's the dealio.  I need to eat lunch and head out.  My hair is soaking wet but whatevs.  Oh, I drew blood on my cat the other night while giving him his IV.  I felt SOOO BAD!!  There was blook splattered all over my bathroom.  I gave him treats after.  Poor Buggles. :(  He pawed at my ass this morning while I was sleeping though, I think that was him trying to get me back.  Ha!  My little Squish was playing with her toy all night and I had to call her so she'd stop because I'm sure the people downstairs LOVE hearing that on the hardwood floor.

More to come later.  Charro dropped the F-bomb a few times today.  She was feisty.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The banning of "The Jeans"

I almost didn't have a WIW #13 today because I was wearing "The Jeans."  She said that I am not allowed to wear them anymore and wanted to know why I wear them.  She asked me if I was trying to trick her and I said, "No, I'm not stupid. I know you're taking weight off for them."  She said she was going to weigh my on Friday and I wasn't allowed to wear the jeans.  Of course I turned into a 6 year old and said, "Well, what if I do wear them?"  She said, "I'll make you get into your skivies."  She was kidding, of course.  Then she said that I am not allowed to wear them next Friday (She's not here next Wed. so there will be a WIF instead of a WIW next week).  There was more to this, I'm sure, but I'll have to listen to the tape to remember it.

I told her how fat, gross and disgusting I'm feeling and how I hate my weight.  She asked me how much I weigh and I said 120 because I can't tell her how much I really weigh because it's still below what I'm "supposed" to weigh.  Oh, it's all so confusing from the outside, I'm sure.  I've gained weight, that's all I know, and I want to lose it.

I know she get frustrated with me.  At one point she was saying something to me and she said something about being angry.  I said, "I know. Your face is turning red."  :)  You guys are all probably picturing a big haired, big boobed, sequence wearing Spanish woman who plays the guitar.  That is not so.  She is tall, thin, blondish, big boobs, and Italain.  I told her I was going to bring my camera in and take a picture of her to post on my blog.  She said "no" to that one.  I said, "But you said that I could."  I would actually never do that, but I like testing her sometimes to see how much she'll allow. 

I think we had a good sesh today.  She wants me to do some "stream of conscious" writing.  I don't think I'm going to have time for that over the next 2 days, but if I do, I will.  I'm not really good at these types of things.

Oh yeah, she said that I needed to eat more because I was "a little under 103."  I guess I didn't do a good job getting dressed this morning.  I was 105.2 on my scale before I left so she must be taking off a ton of weight.

Time to go workout.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The edited version

I love when I feel like a hot air balloon.  Awesome.  Best feeling.  At this rate I will break Charro's scale.  Vomitar!

I feel the need to edit this.  I'm not a hot air balloon.  I am a freaking blimp!!  Yes, I'm having issues.  Yes, I want to not eat.  Yes, I probably will go that direction because I need to lose four pounds.  Yes, I'm complaining.  Yes, I'm allowed to do so because it's my blog.  Yes, I am hungry but will not eat and just drink tea.  Yes, I am feeling HUGE!  Yes, I need to not eat.  Yes, I love my cats.  Yes, I really did gain weight and I won't have to load my pockets with crap tomorrow.  Yes, I would rather have to load my pockets with crap than weigh 200 pounds.

I do NOT want Charro to tell me that I have to "challenge" my thoughts.  I don't want to "challenge" them and I shouldn't "challenge" them because they're true.  Maybe I should just quit going to see Charro because I clearly don't want to change and just want to stay this way. 

Dental therapy

I'm not a fan of the dentist, but really, who is?  I don't like the noises or the way it feels.  I do like how my teeth feel afterwards though.  Anyway, we all know that dentists talk to us while they're cleaning our teeth and we can't respond to them.  I figured out today that it's like reverse therapy.

I was sitting in the chair getting my teeth cleaned and my dental hygienist was going on and on about her birthday, her daughters and the music they like and then she said, "I'm so excited because as of November my divorce is final.  Yes, you can congratulate me."  I was sitting there thinking, is she ever going to stop talking and why is she telling me about her divorce.  I'm not her therapist.  It was sort of funny, yet annoying at the same time.  So basically, they do all the talking, patients don't respond, and they get paid.  Hmm, maybe I should become a dentist.

That's the end of my story.  My teeth are "beautiful" and clean.  Oh, and apparently I grind them a lot.

WIW #13

I have WIW #13 tomorrow.  Fun stuff.  I might not have to wear excess baggage because I now have my own excess baggage, which I am none too thrilled about.  What's that about, really?  I didn't try for that to happen.  I feel the extra floating around my stomach area and I can see that my face got fatter.

I need to go to the office and the dentist.  Ew!

Monday, May 09, 2011

I don't feel like running this morning so I'm going to go to the gym instead of running to Charro's.  It looks cold out.  I don't think it is, but it looks it.  It's 56 degrees right now, so it will definitely be warmer by the time I head to my sesh, but I don't feel like running, therefore I will not. 

I made a good choice by choosing the gym because Chelsea Handler is going to be on Regis and Kelly, so I can watch that.  She's freaking hysterical.  Love her!!  I saw her last year and I don't think I ever laughed so hard in my life.  I couldn't breathe.

I ate a lot of fruit and salad yesterday with the wrong intentions in mind.  I guess  my medicine is doing its job because nothing happened.  I guess that's a good thing.  Well, it is a good thing.  My body needs to be healthy.

I need to eat breakfast but I'm not hungry.  I always eat breakfast, so it's not an issue for me.  I just don't want to force it down right now, but I have to because I need to head to the gym.

My cats are drinking out of the sink.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Mind nuttiness

I'm drinking (tea) so I don't eat.  Messed up, I know, but I just don't want to eat anything else for the rest of the day.  I don't want to eat and I want to lose weight and I don't know why I feel this way right now but it's how I feel so I'm going with it. 

It smells like fried hamburgers and I don't like it.  Yuck. 

I'm going to be peeing all night because I'm on my second huge mug of tea. 

I don't really know what else is going on inside of my head.

I think I'm going to run to Charro's tomorrow.  I feel like I need to go to the gym first because I feel like that run isn't enough.  It's only 3.5 miles so I think I might need to work out first.  I guess I'll figure it out in the morning.  I hate when my head is all messed up like this.  I guess that's just the way it is.

You're making me hot

I'm tired.  I don't know why I can't sleep past 6:30 AM, but it's really annoying.  I have a dehydration headache, which is nuts because I drink so much water, but whatevs.

I weighed myself last night and that wasn't a great idea.  I hadn't weighed myself in a few days and I managed to gain 100 pounds.  Whatever, it bothers me but I also don't care at the same time.  I guess I'm not concerned about it, but I don't like it at the same time.

I had a nice day yesterday.  I went for a run along the river and then my parents and nephews came in to celebrate mom's day.  We had a picnic in the park.  Then we went to dinner and then I went out with friends.

I went to a comedy club with a bunch of  my friends and the host was asking if there was anyone from another country, so I shouted out that I was from England.  It was funny.  (It's the only accent I can do).  Then, after the show, we were outside and the host called out the name that I told him and he told me to have nice trip back.  We chatted for a minute.  I told him I took off my pants during the show.  (I had leggings on under my dress but was sweating bullets when I got there because I had walked there so I took my leggings off).  He was like, "You took your pants off at the table?"  I said, "Yes.  I took them off because you were making me hot."  It was so funny.  I said this all in my English accent and I kept going on with the story.  My friends were yelling "trousers, not pants."  Whoops, I guess my English isn't that great.

I went from having no food in my fridge to having too much food in my fridge.  I have a pasta salad and bruschetta that I made.  Oh, I also have a lot of lettuce that I need to eat.  Part of me wants to eat the biggest salad ever so I can clean out my system.  I guess that's a bit disordered.  Oh well.

I'm supposed to have a date tonight but this guy seems like a flake so I'm not planning on it happening. I sort of don't care anyway because I already find him to be annoying.  Stop texting me at 8:30 at night and asking if I want to get together.  MAKE A REAL DATE with me!!  So he texted me Friday morning (also, I HATE the texting thing) and asked me out on a proper date.  I responded with "Wow, a proper invitation.  I can't go out tonight, but how about Sunday?"  So, we shall see.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Thoughts on a sunny day

I should be vacuuming my apartment right now, but I need to watch the weather forecast so I will do that in a minute.  I like vacuuming, as I've said before. 

I asked Charro when she was going to stop weighing me.  The answer, not any time soon.  She's going to weigh my through the summer.  Let's face it, I'm screwed.  I'm totally screwed and I have known this from day one of the whole "firing" situation.  Once I put on shorts and a tank top, my weight's going to go down about 3-4 pounds, which will make me well below the 103 I am supposed to be at.  Well below the 103 that she thinks I'm at.  I think about this all of the time.  Obviously there is a "simple" solution, which would be to gain the weight, but we all know that that is anything but "simple," especially when you have absolutely no desire to put on an ounce.  I guess I've just been buying myself time here, hoping that I can avoid getting fired, but I know that sooner than later it's going to happen and I'm going to be very sad and very pissed.  Again, I know this is under my control and is my choice, but really, is it??  I don't think I'm unhealthy, therefore I don't think I need to gain any weight.  Do I feel extreme guilt that Charro thinks I'm 103 when I'm not even close to that??  Every.  Freaking.  Day.  It sucks and it makes things stressful, hence the crazy weight dreams all of the time.  Why don't I want to change??  I don't get it.  I guess maybe most of me feels like I don't really need to change, but then when I start dissecting things I can see that things are not normal. 

I could be more thought provoking but I just looked at the clock and realized that I have a lot to do in the next hour so I should get on that.  My thoughts make no sense half the time anyway.  I wish I could have thoughts when I'm in Charro's office.  That would be helpful.  Maybe I can come up with some good stuff and write it down and bring it in there on Monday.  That would be productive.

PT Dream

I had a dream that I went to PT, probably because I went to PT, and she asked how much I weighed.  I don't remember if I said I weighed 98 or 100 pounds, but regardless she said that I was underweight.  She then had me step on the scale and she said that I weighed 95 pounds and that I had to gain weight because I was way below where I should be.  She showed me a chart and then explained that in order for my hips to work right I needed to weigh at least 102.  It was an odd dream.

I'm tired.  IV attempt was a failure again yesterday. :(  I need to try again tomorrow.  I need to eat breakfast so I can go to Charro.  I don't want to deal with the people at school today.  It's sunny and nice out.  Those are my random thoughts for now.

I always have this fear that Charro is going to surprise weigh me on a Friday.  Let's hope not!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Crusty contacts

My contacts are pretty much crusted into my eyes right now, or loaded with cat fur, I'm not sure which one.

My day thus fur (because everyone wants to know about it), woke up and cleaned, walked across the park and took some pics, met up with new friend, hauled it back across the park to get to PT, had PT which was sort of pointless since my hip manuevered its way back to it's spot at some point yesterday, came home and my friend came over to help me with my cat's IV.  We got 1/4 of it in before he freaked and the needle came out.  Now I'm here with crusty contacts and I have to get dressed so I can go teach aerobics.  I have NO idea what to have for dinner.  I ate lunch really late but I guess I'm still a little bit hungry.  I really just have no idea what to eat.  My options aren't great.  I really need to go to the store but I don't know what to buy because I don't know what I want to make.  I'll probably end up having a salad (after class) and a protein shake or yogurt.  I know that this is not the most ideal meal and Charro would not be thrilled with this, but it's hard to figure out what to eat when you're not in the mood for anything.

There is something floating in my drink.  Probably a bread crumb.

Oh yeah, so I'm supposed to do these back and leg exercises everyday.  She said my butt and outer thigh muscle are weak.  Um, how is that possible?  I'm not so sure. I said, "So you want me to make my butt bigger?" and she said "yes."  No way sista!  I don't squat!! I do not want my legs and butt to get any bigger, thank you very much.  I've noticed that they've gotten bigger and I don't like it.  This morning I looked huge in everything I put one.  Okay, I only put on two different outfits but I looked huge in both.  It's all good.

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight.  I love sleeping!

Oh yeah, the physical therapist looked at my leg and went to grab it and said, "You have really muscular legs."  Translation, "Your legs are big!!"

I must be getting old

I was just about to write an email to someone so I pulled up the blank email.  I thought I need to write this email before I forget.  So, I opened up the blank form and have no idea who I was going to email or what I needed to say.  Awesome!!  I know it was something important but I have no clue what it was.  Maybe I need to have breakfast...or I need a new brain.

Wait, I think I remembered.  I better do it before I forget again.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Of course!

So I think my hip went back into place.  Of course this would happen the day I make an appointment to get it fixed.  I guess I'll still go to my PT appointment and feel like an ass because they'll be like "What hurts?" and I'll be like, "Um, nothing."  Why does that always happen?  You make an appointment for a nagging injury and the day before you go it gets better?  I'm not 100% sure it's all better but I'm not really in any pain anymore.  I wish I was, to be honest, so I could go in there and have a reason to be there.  Hate that.  It did lock up on me in spin class tonight, that didn't feel good.

Speaking of spin class, I was in there with two friends, which is probably the only thing that made it somewhat bearable because I find the class to be extremely boring but I hadn't worked out so I went.  Anyway, there was a guy sitting in front of me who apparently thought we were laughing and pointing at him.  He thought I was pointing at him, which I was not.  The instructor told me this after.  It's bothering me that he thinks I was pointing and laughing.  I was definitely laughing and singing during class, and playing the drums with my finger, so maybe that's what he saw.  I was laughing when my hip locked up too.  Oh well, I guess there's nothing I can do about it.

I just ate a decent sized salad.  I'm not quite sure how it's going to effect me.  I tried to chew the lettuce really well so it would be easier to digest, but I'm not sure that it will matter.  I haven't had a lot of salad probably since the big one I got in January, and that didn't sit well with me.  So, we shall see.  I've been on my medicine for over 4 months now so maybe it will make a difference.  I'm sort of feeling like it's not going to though, which is why I waited to eat it until after class. :)

I hope Idol is only an hour tonight.  Busted, it's 90 minutes.

WIW #12, done

I wore my jeans and Charro didn't say anything to me.  WIW #12 wasn't too painful, I guess.  As long as it's cold on Wednesdays, I'll keep being okay in the weight department.  It's going to be a problem when I go in one day and she weighs me and I'm 3-4 pounds less than what I have been in the matter of one week.  In June there won't be many weigh-ins.  Actually, I think she said she'll stop weighing me at the end of May if I stay where I am, but will weigh me when I get back from my trips and when she gets back from hers.  I think she fears that I will lose weight.  I don't blame her.  I won't lose weight but it will appear that way because of my clothing.

I'm so sleepy.  I don't know why, maybe because I got home late last night and woke up early this morning.

I'm going for PT tomorrow.  Yay!! My back actually feels much better, though it still hurts.  I hope they can just put my hips back and then that will be it.  I don't want to have to go a bunch of times.

I need to cook this week and I don't know what to me, nor do I want to make anything.  My parents and nephews are coming on Saturday to celebrate Mom's day. 

I don't have anything else to say right now.  I'm zoning and trying to map out my road trip.

WIW #12

An hour until WIW #12.  My jeans are on.

I had a dream that my back hurt, I wonder why.  The doctor told me to go to PT, so that I will do!  I just need someone to pull my leg so my hip goes back into it's proper spot.

Gotta go brush my teeth.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Again with the psychotic episode

The hot peppers from my pizza lunch with Charro are eating away at my stomach.  That's okay.  She didn't tell me why she got her tattoo removed.  I tried!

Lunch went fine.  I was starving so eating wasn't an issue.  The pizza wasn't that great though. We tried this new place that opened up right next to her office. 

Oh, so I walked through a park today and there was this huge sculpture of a head.  Well, it's long and skinny and if you can't see the face it doesn't really look like a head.  I got into the park and thought, "Why is there a huge penis in the park?"  I am not a fan of odd, random "art."

I really want to go to sleep right now but I cannot. 

Charro says I have a problem with water.  She said I'm "obsessed with it" and it's "freaking" her out a little bit.  Ha!  She said that I drink it compulsively and my "water thing is a little bit distorted."  It was kind of funny.  I do know she said that I am a compulsive exerciser.  I said, "I was thinking about something while I was walking here...(then I bursted out into laughter because I totally confessed to walking there.  She didn't catch onto that and thought I was laughing at what I was about to say)...when I was on my way here...I'm going to get huge in June and July when I'm not here and when you're not here."  She then wanted me to explain, which I did.  Basically, I'll be away for 5 days, I come back for 2 days and then I leave to drive cross country so I'll be in a car for 5 days, then I will be home (my house) for a bunch of days in July until Charro gets back from Italy.  So, I was telling her that I am going to get huge and be a blob because I won't be working out or walking every where.  It's bound to happen if I'm only working out for an hour a day and am not walking my normal 20-25 miles per week.  Ugh!!  She then asked me if I was having a psychotic episode.  I love when she thinks I'm having one of those.  I was dead serious and my thoughts are not messed up.  If I'm cutting out that much of my physical activity I'm bound to gain weight. 

That being said, she said she was going to weigh me when we both get back from our trips to make sure that I haven't lost weight.  Hmm, that's going to go well...not.

I need to put my coaching clothes on and get going.  Too bad we don't have a long bus trip, I could sleep on the bus.

Bye bye Bin Laden

The first thing I do when I get out of bed in the morning is turn on Good Morning America.  I saw the headline on the screen and it is "Osama Bin Laden killed."  I shook my head and looked again, and squinted because I didn't have my glasses on.  Yep...he is dead!!  Good bye you MFer!!!  I can't help but think, now what's going to happen?  Is there going to be some huge retaliation??  Let's hope not.

My cat with the kidney problems drinks too much water and then throws up.  My other cat sits in the bathroom and cries like crazy because she wants me to turn the sink of for her. 

I have to eat breakfast, go to the gym, shower, walk to Charro's, pick up lunch and then eat with her.  I'm going to ask her about the tattoo she had removed and which route she liked the best when she's driven cross country.  It's my time to ask HER questions!!  She better answer them.

I didn't sleep well last night because of my stupid hips.  PLEASE let the doctor be able to fix me tomorrow.  PLEASE or I will take drastic measures.  I'm not sure what those measures are yet, but I'll think of something. :)  Clearly trying to contort myself into a pretzel didn't work.

Time to feed the kitties and myself.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

It's May? Really?

There is not a cloud in the sky...right now. It's supposed to get cloudy later, but right now it is beautiful.  Woah, I just thought it was Saturday and then I heard them (on the news) say it was May 1st.  Nuts.  Anyway, I'm hoping it will still be nice when I get back from teaching so I can hit the roof.  I love my roof time, though I'd like beach time much better.

Tomorrow I have to pick up pizza for Charro and me.  I don't know why she likes eating so much.  I asked her why she likes food so much and she said "because it's good."  Eating is a waste of time and money and mental energy.  I hate having to think about what I am going to eat and what I'm going to cook.  It's annoying.  Last night I rebelled and had a  protein shake.  I still don't understand how she can be skinny and eat.  Whatevs.

So we are getting the lunch special which consists of 2 slices and a drink.  She wants me to "challenge" myself with the drink but that's not going to happen. I'll get us waters.  I'm in charge of the pick-up, which is a wonderful thing.  I can choose the pizza and the drinks. :)

I guess I need to get dressed.