Monday, January 31, 2011

Snow pants, bikinis, and chestnuts

First things first, all Jetblue flights to FL and back have already been canceled for tomorrow.  AHHHHHH!!!!  My flight better NOT be canceled on Wednesday.  I'm freaking out about this.  I know I have no control over it, but I'm FREAKING and will freaking be so pissed if I don't get out of here on Wednesday.

Had a good sesh with Charro today.  I had a lot to discuss.

I bought snow pants for $25 and they're a little small.  I didn't try them on until I got home.  I realized that they're a children's small.  I can get them on and button them, they're just a bit snug in the waist.  Oh well.  Also bought two bikinis.  I think I'll keep them both.  I bought over 3 lbs of chestnuts in Chinatown today for one dollar.  That's a steal of a deal.  I figured that they'd probably be gross, but for a dollar I couldn't go wrong.  Well, they're gross and a lot of them are rotten.  I don't know how to cook them either.  Oh well.

Tomorrow I must pack and clean.  Wednesday I see Charro and then I will hopefully get out of here!  Please let the weather be okay so I can get out of here.  I hate storms!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Weather stressors

I'm starting to freak out about a lot of things, mainly the weather...which I obviously cannot control.  The weather here...which is going to be snowy, icy and rainy when I'm supposed to fly out.  The weather down in Florida, which is going to be warm, but cloudy, according to their local station.  I'll freak if it's cloudy.  I also feel like I've gained weight.  I am also worried about the comments I'm going to get from my parents while I'm with them.  I'm sure I'll get a talking to from my dad at some point, along with the "That's all you're having?"  I hope this isn't too awful, but I have to expect something to be said.  I think I have a lot to talk about with Charro tomorrow. 

Oh, I overpack too.  Why do I overpack??  Ugh!!  We have a washing machine.  I should just wear the same workout clothes ever other day and not care that people will see me in the same thing.  I should not bring 5 pairs of "beach" shorts and 5 million tank tops.  Ugh!  I've packed my medicine, which is the most important thing, I guess.  I just need to remember the rubber gloves. ;)

No E.D. T.

Had a great time last night.  The show was awesome!!  I want to marry the lead. :)  He's a little (a lot) shorter than I like, but that's okay.  The E.D. pysch didn't come because her dad died.  So, I have no good stories.  I have to go now.  I'm cooking dinner for my friend tonight...who happens to be an E.D. psych too.  She's housing my scale right now.

K, really gotta go now.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dinner, show and 3 E.D. people

I'm getting ready to go out with the ED folk.  Well, one eating disorder psychologist, one (I think) recovered eating disordered girl, and 4 normal adults...Oh, I guess that's three normal adults.  I included myself in that 4 and I'm not an adult. :)

We're going to dinner and a show.  I'm tired and want to take a nap.  I'm not hungry either.  I guess it's a good thing we're not eating for another 2 hours, but I don't think I'll be hungry then either.  What if I'm not? 

It's going to be a fun night. (that was for real, not sarcastic) Oh, it's flurrying out...again.  Um, big storm expected Tues-Wed.  I'm supposed to fly out of here on Wednesday.  Help!  I'm going to try and get out Tuesday if that's the case, which stinks because then I'll miss Charro Wednesday morning.

Okay, I might take a 30 minute power nap.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Gym girl and stuff

Here's what Charro said when I told her I hadn't gained any weight.

"These next two weeks you have to eat more. I'm not kidding, you have to eat more...Or, we have a serious problem.  We're going to have to re-access what's going on here.  I don't want to pretend you're in therapy for an eating disorder but don't do anything about your eating disorder."

Yes maam!  I interpret that to mean, If you don't gain weight in the next two weeks we're going to have to do something about this.

I saw the girl at the gym today.  She looks awful.  I think I'm going to email her and tell her I'm around if she ever wants to grab coffee.  She really does look like shiite.

The weigh in and results

I woke up early.  I was anxious, like a kid on Christmas morning.  I couldn't wait to get on the scale and see the damage.  Well, I weigh the same.  (Ducking).  Off to face Charro soon.  Since she says I need to gain weight, I'm not sure she'll like that I weigh the same, but whatevs.  I'll report back later. 

Ugh...more freaking snow today and tomorrow, but only a few inches.  That's nothing after 19 inches yesterday.  They're now saying we're going to get a storm Tuesday into Wednesday.  I fly out Wednesday.  I will FLIP if there is a storm and I get cancelled.  I will leave early.

I have to iron the dumb sweater I am wearing.  That's annoying.  I wish I didn't care that it was all wrinkled.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Seriously, NO more snow

We got another 19 inches last night.  We also had some thunder and lightening with that.  Yeah...snow...and lots of it.  I walked a mile in it at 6 AM.  That was fun. :)  Looked really pretty.

Weigh in day tomorrow.  Charro told me I needed to eat 3 meals and a snack today.  I think it's funny how she said I only had to eat one snack. :)  Ha.  I wonder if she'll ask what the number is.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Starting the weigh in freak out

I'm having a mini food situation tonight.  I'm feeling like I can't eat because I feel like I've gained weight and I get to weigh myself on Friday.  So, I don't want to eat because I don't want the scale to be higher than it was two weeks ago.  I'm just scared because I have NO idea how much I'm going to weigh and if the number is not acceptable, in my books, than I am going to freak out and two things will occur:  I'll start restricting what I'm eating and I'll have to keep weighing myself until the number is back to where I want it to be.  I should be writing this to Charro but I know how she'd respond.  She would say, "Obviously staying at a low weight is your biggest priority.  You're going to live the rest of your life like this if you want to stay at this low weight."  Ugh. 

Tomorrow I'm teaching two aerobics classes, which is good, but the first one is early in the morning which means I'll be up earlier and more hungry than usual.  I hate that.  I can't eat more tomorrow because then I'll weigh more.  Ugh.

I don't know what else to say.  Tomorrow might be a freak out (mini) day.

sNOw more, please!

Apparently Charro dresses her son in tights.  HA!  She told me that she dresses him in blue tights and that she got them at the grocery store in Italy.  She said, "I think they're for little boys...or maybe there for girls."  I told her she needs to NOT dress him in tights.  The whole situation was funny.

I am so freaking tired.  I think I slept well last night, but the night before I didn't.

I'm starting to worry about weighing myself on Friday.  What if I've gained weight?  I feel like I'm pregnant right now.  I don't know.  Friday can't get her soon enough.

Blah, I can't take this snow anymore.  I'm going to lose my mind.  We are going to get another 8 inches today.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!  Please, please, please let it be nice while I'm in Florida!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

49 at bedtime

By the time I crawled into bed last night, it was a balmy 49 degrees upstairs.  I slept in many, many layers and had my electric blanket on.  I woke up throughout the night and shed some layers as the house heated up.  I didn't sleep well.  Having cramps didn't help the situation either.  Ugh.  So now, I'm tired.  I'm making pumpkin bread to bring to my sister's tonight.  I'll eat dinner there and then hop on the train. 

I have to go to my office and then to the vet to pick up cat food.  I have to do this soon so I can drop it off at my friend's house so she can bring it to me on Saturday, along with the 40 lbs of cat litter I bought. 

I just want to sleep.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Frozen is an understatement

Walked into my house tonight and it was FREEZING.  Um, the thermostat said it was 40 degrees.  BIG PROBLEM!!  The upstairs thermostat just said "low" on it.  I could see my breath in the house.  I called my parents, they called the oil people, who came while I was out on a date, and fixed the problem.  Now it's 46 degrees downstairs and a whopping 42 degrees upstairs.  I turned on my electric blanket and will lay in bed with that on for a while.  I just put in some laundry because it's too cold to go to bed now.  I also have the fire on.  My feet are frozen and I'm drinking tea.  I think I'll be sleeping with 12 layers on.

I don't even remember what else I was going to write about.  I was supposed to eat lunch but I didn't really.  Charro said we needed to make a plan as to what I was going to get for lunch but I didn't get anything but cioccolata calda (Italian hot chocolate).  Hope she doesn't ask what I got when I see her on Wednesday. 

I'm sleepy.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

This will be interesting

Every year my friend takes me and a few others to see a Broadway show.  Well, last year the group grew from 4 to 6.  There will be 6 of us again this year, however one of the girls who went last year isn't going because she's seen the show already, so this other woman is going in her place because she really wanted to see the show.  Well, this woman is a psychologist who works with eating disorders.  I just found this out 3 minutes ago.  She was my friend's, who is also part of the show gang, ED therapist.  Awkward!  They're cool with it but what are the chances that everyone I'm with isn't going to know that something is up.  My friend K, who takes us to the show every year always makes fun on my strange eating habits.  H, the girl who had the ED was hospitalized a few times and is now doing well, but I'm sure she knows I have an ED because everyone who has an ED can spot their counterparts from a mile away.  H's mom, well, I don't know what she thinks.  The other lady who will be with us, I've only met once so she knows nothing.  The psychologist, well, she doesn't know me, but if there is conversation in the car on the way home about my and my appearance then she will know something.  I don't really care, but I don't want the others to know, especially K.  I will never know what they talk about because I won't be in the car with them, but I can only imagine.  At least I will eat normally, though I'll probably be the only one who doesn't get dessert again. 

I had my awesome (if I do say so myself) minestrone soup for lunch.  It was quite filling.  I also had a grapefruit.  I can't remember if I took my vitamins this morning.  Oh well, that's not important, it's just vitamins.  I did take my real medicine, which is all that matters.

I have to do some more cleaning.

I get to weigh myself on Friday.  YAY!...or maybe not yay...

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Italian news

I'm taking a break and watching the Italian news.  I don't understand a word they're saying, but maybe I'll pick up on something.

I'm tired.  I woke up too early.  I still have to vacuum.  I made some scones today too, and gave some to the doormen.  I went TV shopping but had no luck.  I've been doing a lot of research online as well.  I changed my sheets and can't wait to go to sleep in them.  The minestrone I made is really good.  Yay!  My table is a mess.  My floor is mopped.  I think I'll be passed out asleep by 9 PM, which is fine.

I have to pee but I don't feel like getting up.

I still don't understand how Charro is skinny and eats like a normal person.  I really, really don't get it.  She eats whatever she wants and doesn't give any thought to calories or fat or anything.  How is that possible?  Someone please enlighten me!

I also REALLY want to weigh myself, but we've been down that road before. 

I need to vacuum.

My day thus far

It's been productive.  I've worked out, made minestrone soup, cleaned a little, did/doing laundry, going to the store in a few minutes, more cleaning to come, maybe some baking to come (though that means I will eat it and I don't like that idea because I actually felt skinny this morning). 

I really wanted to weigh myself this morning.  I felt good so I wanted to see what the number was.  Friday can not come fast enough.  That's when I get to weigh myself.  I wonder if Charro is going to ask me what the number is.  We're clearing going to talk about the whole not weighing thing.  She knows that I will freak if I gain weight.  What happens if I lose weight?  (highly doubtful, by the way). 

I made hot chocolate using my protein shake last night.  It wasn't very good.  '

I'm going to wear 78 layers when I go outside soon.  I hate winter and Monday is going to be so much worse.  I think it "warms up" to the 30s after our big snow fall Tuesday into Wednesday.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Hibernation time

I'm sick of sticking things up my butt!!!  That is for shizle.  Luckily, as of today, I only have to stick things up there once a day, rather than twice.  Woohoo.

I am not going outside this weekend because it's going to be toooooo cold!  I will go to the gym tomorrow and not leave again until Sunday when I have to teach.  That walk will be nice and toasty.  Brr.  Not sure how my walk to Charro's will work out on Monday.  Maybe it will warm up by then.

Oh, speaking of Charro...she wants to instill a new behavior change every Friday.  I don't like that.  Again, let's face it, I don't want to change.

A weird noise just came from my kitchen area.

Charro sang during our phone sesh on Wed.  I almost died.  I told her I was going to make something and she asked me if I was going to use olive oil.  Then she sang, "I really, really, really hope so."  It was priceless.  If only I had that on tape and had witnessed that in person.  I asked her to sing for me today, but she did not. :(

I need to go to the grocery store so I can get stuff to make soup.  I also want to go to look at TV's, though I can't really afford one right now.  Now is the time to buy them though.  Do I have an extra $350??  Not so much, but I also don't have anymore car payments, so one TV equals one car payment.  Wow, that seems nuts.  Maybe I will get a TV.  Ha! :)

Okay, seriously, I need to get off my bum and go do stuff before it gets cold.  Tonight I must work out.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A good phone sesh

I had a good phone sesh with Charro yesterday.  I did it lying on my couch, staring out the window.  It was nice.  I should do that everytime.  So, we had a good conversation.  Again she told me that I "don't look good."  She said, I look "drawn and malnourished."  She only says that because she knows me.  I don't think others would tell me that.

I really need to get going so I'll have to finish this one later.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Cancel, snow, cat pee

I woke up to an email from Charro, cancelling our sesh for this morning.  I'm not really shocked by this because it seems to be happening a lot lately.  I actually didn't even care because I didn't feel like going to see her this morning anyway.  I'm sick of talking and I have nothing to talk about.  She did say we can do a phone sesh, so we're doing that in 15 minutes.  I can just lay on my couch and do whatever.  Maybe I should live blog our sesh.  Ha!  That would be funny. 

I have to try and clean up the smell of cat pee in my dining room from 3 weeks ago.  That should be fun.  I walked into the dining room and smelled it.  I think I got the general area down.  My parents won't be happy about this.

I tried cleaning off the pool cover too.  It has a lot of snow and ice on it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Brocs and chicks

I made a yummy lunch today.  After I made it I looked at the plate and thought, this looks like an ED'd person's lunch.  Oh well.  I steamed broccoli, toasted some chickpeas and then poured my sauce over it.  It was good.  Perhaps it will be what I have for dinner too.  I was going to stop at the store and get egg whites on my way home from the gym but I didn't have my wallet with me.  I don't want to go back out so maybe I'll have a yogurt or protein shake with my veggies.  We shall see.

My little guy got his IV again this morning.  He's been sleeping ever since.  Oh wait, that's all they do anyway, never mind.

I go home to Bertha (scale) tomorrow.  I'm not sure I'll be able to stay off it.  I might crack.  It's quite possible and probable.  Charro tells me dual things: she'll say that "we have an agreement" then she'll say, "you can do what you want.  I'm not forcing you to do anything."  I hate that.

I had a dream Diane Sawyer was interviewing me about my ED...probably because I watched her Tracey Gold interview last night.  Ha!

Icy out

I haven't been outside, but apparently it's pretty icy out there.  I'll stay in until later.  I'm waiting for the vet lady to come anyway.  I hope she makes it.

I talked to Tracey Gold last night via a twitter chat.  I'm not sure if that's the right name for it or not.  I honestly don't understand twitter so I didn't figure out what I was doing until the chat was over.  I think twitter is stupid.

I loved Growing Pains.  I grew up watching it so it was perfect that my favorite show had someone who had an E.D.  It made buying magazines with her on the cover much easier to disguise. 

There's a possibility that I'll see my gym friend today.  If I do, I'm sure I'll have another good story.


Monday, January 17, 2011

What's your damage?

Charro wanted to know why I was so angry today.  I told her it's because I gained 15 pounds.  She told me that I have to "talk back" to the E.D.  Well, I'm not "talking" to anything.  It is what it is.  Just let me weigh myself and then I would be better.  Actually I CAN weigh myself.  She's not controlling me.  I am choosing to follow her two week thing. 

I have been out all day, walking around in what "feels like 12 degrees."  I have to pee and have a cat sitting on my bladder...she just jumped off. :)  I'm going to pee now.  I'll probably have more to write at some point in time.

Oh, so I was in CVS today and I overheard this mom talking to her daughter.  She said, "That has a lot of calories.  No you can't eat that, it's very fattening....I know, you're hungry, so am I."  I thought, oh this poor girl is so going to have issues.  I'm glad my mom never said any of that crap to me.

I spent over $2500 dollars today in medication.  That's only for three months of one drug and one month of another.  Awesome!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

That's the way it is

I'm done with food.  I know I'm getting fatter by the second.  I can feel it and I can see it in my stomach.  Maybe I should just start working out more.  I have to do something.  I can't eat and not weigh myself.  This is redic. (ridiculous).  I can't stand getting fatter.  Charro won't get it.  All she'll say is "Then I guess you don't want to get better."  You know what?  I don't. I don't want to gain weight.  I don't want to get fatter.  Then I guess that means that I don't want to get better!  That's the way it is.  I need to not eat.

I'm gonna freeze my ass off walking to her office tomorrow but I don't care. 

I might have a freak out soon.  I feel it coming.  I still don't know what my "freak out" consists of.  Maybe it means I just won't eat.  That would be fantastic.  

Whacked out dreams

I've had even wackier dreams than normal the past two nights.  What??  I can't even begin to decipher them.  Friday night's dream had 50 million parts to it and I don't even know what order everything was in.  Last night, I had a dream that Charro was staying at my apartment, as were my mom and brother.  I was weirded out by the fact that Charro was staying her for a night to make sure I was doing everything I was supposed to.  My biggest concern was where four people were going to sleep in my studio apartment with two full sized beds.  I thought it would be weird to sleep in the same bed as my brother and to put my mom with Charro since she didn't know her.  I obviously couldn't stick Charro and my brother in the same bed, because both are married...and not to each other.  I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as Charro because that would have been SO WEIRD and well, just weird and not normal.  I don't even want to think further about what it might mean to be sleeping in the same room as your therapist.  It's just not normal. 

Okay, that dream is just freaking me out so I'm done with it.

I woke up with a headache at 4 AM and thought I was dying of carbon monoxide poisoning.  I'm glad I didn't.

I'm still getting fatter though.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I think I've gained 19 pounds in two days.  Really, I'm not supposed to weigh myself until the 28th??  Ha, I don't know about that.  Maybe I should just stop eating instead.

Bed time.

Friday, January 14, 2011


My bathroom looks so empty and sad without B-2 (my scale). :(  I think I need to get it back to fill up the empty space.  Maybe that's why I'm sad, I miss my scale.  I'm freaking itchy too.

One of my cats threw up on my bed.  Luckily most of it got on a piece of paper that was on there.

So, I have no scale for two weeks.  I'm not sure what I'll do.  I know I said this before, but I can go get it at any time.  It's right next door.  I'm probably wasting Charro's time.  I don't want to get better but going helps me feel better even if I don't want to get better, so there's nothing wrong with that, right?  She's getting paid.  I wish I could just freak out while I'm in her office with her, but I'm not sure how.  I don't know what to freak out about or how to verbalize my freak outs.  I just want to curl into a little ball sometimes, like I did that night on my bathroom floor.  That's what's most comforting.  (seriously, why am I so itchy??)

I will see my parents in 19 days.  What will I look like?  Will I be fatter?  Will they think I'm too skinny?  Will they say something to me?  I hate that fear.  I will be in a bikini.  What if I hate the way I look?  Right now, I'm okay with my body...I think.  I could be wrong about that.  But I like my weight where it is and I don't want to gain weight.  Honestly though, I just can't wait to be in the sun and running on the beach, rollerblading, taking pictures of the ocean and the sunrise (maybe).  That Florida air, the smell of it and the warmth of it, and the sunshine makes me SO HAPPY.  It really does have an effect on my mood.  I really just love the way the air smells and I can smell it as soon as I walk out of the airplane.  I LOVE IT.  David, I'm sure you don't know the smell, since you live there.  Maybe I'll get lucky and it will be really warm and NOT windy (right) so I can actually lay out on the beach.  The worst is watching for Man-o-war while I'm running.  Don't want to step on any of those.  Sorry, I just disappeared into paradise for a few seconds.

Charro asked me if I would give up my heart rate monitor today.  She said, "Give me an answer right now, yes or no?"  I said, "No."  I can't do it.  That's the case.  If I gain weight during this non-weighing thing, I'll flip.  She said, "We'll deal with that when the time comes."  That's what she always says.  Ugh!

I think I'm frustrated, cold, sick of this winter weather and just tired of everything, but I don't want to do anything either.  I know that I can't wait to go to bed soon.  I love sleeping!! 

Tomorrow I have to sit in the cold park for an hour while I babysit the kid at hockey practice.  Then I am going to meet a friend.  That will be a long walk, well, actually it shouldn't be too bad since I'll be coming from the park.  I'll just have to go 50 blocks and then all the way West.  It's probably only a 4 mile walk.  It just seems longer than that for some reason.  I can cut through the park too. 

I am just writing for no reason.  I played my Wii Active tonight.  Charro doesn't like that I got that for Christmas, and that my parents bought it for me because it's "exercise."  It's not really, only a few games are.  She needs to get over this whole exercise thing.  Maybe I should become more obsessive with my exercise so she has a reason to really believe I work out too much.

My meals were a bit screwed up today, but whatevs.


I'm having issues.  I'm not sure what they are at the moment, but I'm having them and I can't figure it out.

2 weeks

I made a deal with Charro this morning...I will not weigh myself for 2 weeks.  Let's see if this really happens.  She told me to give my scale to my friend next door.  I will do that, but that doesn't really mean much.  I can go get it at any time.  After all, I do have the key to her place.

Charro knows I don't want to change.  She keeps saying that everytime I see her.  She's right, I don't want to change.  Why should I?  Okay, there are a lot of reasons why I should, but it all boils down to the fact that I do not want to gain weight!  There's really not much I can do about anything if I'm not willing to gain weight, let's face it.

I've eating 12 meals already this morning.  I'm not supposed to eat lunch "one minute before noon" but I ate it at 10 AM.  Oh well, I don't care.  I got eating over with.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  It was too cold and too early.  Blah! 

Funny, no mention from Charro about how I'm supposed to weigh 100 pounds by now.  I knew she wouldn't bring it up.  She threatens but doesn't follow through, lucky for me. :)

I so don't want to go to the gym, but if I'm not going to hang out with my friend today, which I probably am not since I haven't heard from her, I will go later and watch The Closer while working out. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Serious babysitting action

This is good...I've got some babysitting lined up.  I am taking one of the kids I babysit for to his ice hockey practice on Saturday morning, then I am babysitting his sister Saturday night.  Then I am babysitting for someone else next Friday night, unfortunately they don't pay as well but it's still money, then I am taking the same kid to hockey on Saturday and Sunday in a few weeks, though those aren't really babysitting gigs, but I will get paid.  Yay, cash in my pocket is a good thing and quite necessary.  I call them my ATM because I don't have to go to the ATM when I babysit.  I was running out of my stash so this is all good.  Yay.  I am, however, not looking forward to being outside in the cold during this skating situation.  At least we will take cabs there and back...and I won't have to pay for them either.  :)

Plan A was to eat dinner before I worked out tonight.  Well, I wasn't really hungry and I didn't want to eat so much before I bounced around so I just ate half of it.  So I guess plan A was not successful.
Plan B was to not eat the rest of it when I got home.  Plan B was successful.  Had some veggies instead.

Soul searching

Charro wants me to do some "soul searching."  Doesn't that sound fun?  No!  She hasn't mentioned anything more about me having to get to 100 pounds this week.  Well, that didn't happen anyway.  Funny thing is, she is adamant about these things but then doesn't follow up with them.  I am pretty sure she won't ask my weight tomorrow.  If she does, I'm going to tell her that she has to weigh me if she wants to know how much I weigh.  I can't be trusted to tell her how much I weigh and be honest about it.  I don't think she'll want to weigh me.

That just reminded me of the dream I had last night.  I got weighed somewhere and the lady who weighed me (she was just some random person) wouldn't tell me how much I weighed.  So, I asked the nurse to tell me and she whispered and said, with a concerned look on her face, "91 pounds."  I don't remember anything else.

I don't want to go outside.  It's tooooo cold!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I know I should, but...

Why is it that I know that I should eat something...I'm hungry and I didn't really have dinner...but I can't get myself to eat anything??  I started to eat a yogurt before I worked out, but I think it was sour so I spit it out.  I know I should eat but I don't feel like I can.  I mean, I guess I can, it's not that hard...just got get something and eat it, but I feel like I shouldn't eat.  Maybe I'll just go to sleep.

We were on

I woke up at 5:15 this morning because I didn't know if I was seeing Charro or not.  I wanted to know so I could sleep later than my alarm was going to go off.  So, I woke up and turned on tv to see if schools were canceled.  If school was cancelled, we were canceled.  School was on, but I still wasn't sure.  Finally I got out of bed at 6:45 and just before 7 AM I got an email that said, "See you at 8."  I was happy.

We started going over my homework.  We'll continue on Friday with that.  I can't think of what else I wanted to write.  I'm tired. 

I took pics in the park today.  I'm not happy with them, but maybe I'll post a few later.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I smell a cancelation

I know Charro is going to cancel tomorrow because of the snow.  Yesterday she promised me she'd be there.  Today, she sent me an email saying that if schools are canceled she will not be at work. :(  I am not happy about that.  What, she can't do a phone sesh?  WTF?  Let's get with it, lady!

My eye is so itchy.

I have this dumb knee brace to wear on my knee (obvi) now.  I look stupid, like I'm injured and I don't like that.

I told Charro I'm not going to weigh myself, mainly because she wants me to gain weight and if I don't weigh myself I feel like that is my way out of gaining weight.  She doesn't know that part though.  If she wants to know how much I weigh, she'll have to weigh me.

My eye is going to fall out due to itchiness.

I tried to make scones today, yes Kristin, those scones.  It didn't work out so well.  I used regular milk because I didn't have buttermilk and it made the dough too watery so I made ONE BIG SCONE instead of 12 scones.  Ha!  Sometimes my baking events turn out quite humorous.  Oh well.  I tried.

I think it's snowing out.  Perhaps I should look out my window and see.

I hate that I'll wake up early to not go to Charro.  I won't be able to fall back to sleep after that.  Succotash!

Toothpaste ass

There is a strong possibility that I got toothpaste up my ass last night.  Yes, you read that correctly...UP my ass.  I was taking my medicine and after I put it in I felt a little bit of a minty burn.  Guess some toothpaste got on my rubber glove.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Charro quotes and gym encounter #213

I was actually very hot on my walk down to Charro's.  I guess I was dressed appropriately.  Here are some of the things she said to me today.  We were discussing my how my parents are in Florida now and she asked me if I was just going to let my eating disorder run free now that my parents are gone.  I said, "No, because I have to see then in a month."  She responded with, "You'll be wearing less clothes, you're going to be looking terrible if you don't gain some weight, like terrible. You're underweight so you have to get back up to a normalish weight, it's not even normal by any means, and do it quickly.   Right?  That's the deal.  Are you going to lie to me?  That makes for really bad treatment.  So let's get moving."  Um, okay.  No lying...maybe...I just won't weigh myself.

She also said that if I really don't want to work on getting better, I need to tell her and we will talk about other things.  I shouldn't just pretend that I want to get better.  She said that there are a lot of other things we can work on.  Hmm, something to think about since I don't really want to get better.  She asked me what it would be like if I gained 10 pounds.  I said, "I would be fat."

So I had another weird gym encounter with the same girl.  I was walking by the gym with my friend and I saw her and she goes, "Did you eat more this weekend?  I did.  Did you have lunch?"  Um, so bizarre.  This was said in front of my friend too.  Nice.

Walking torture

It is FREEZING out.  I hate winter.  I will be torturing myself by walking to Charro's office today (the far one), but I'm going to do it anyway.  I really just hate that it would cost me 5 dollars to get there and back, so I just take transportation one way.  I guess I shouldn't say today's walk will be back because Wednesday morning's snowy and windy walk (closer office) will be much worse, I bet.  Oh well.  I'm the one who won't pay to get a ride there.  Ha.

I have to finished getting dressed, go to the gym, quick shower, walk to Charro, make a few stops and head back here.

My friend, who lost her job, keeps wanting to do things on Mondays.  Now, we see each other pretty much every day because we live a block away from each other, but I feel like I can't keep making excuses for why I have to go downtown on Mondays.  I feel like I'm going to have to, at some point, tell her that I go to a T.  I don't want to do that.  I know she probably won't care, but still, it's just weird.  I can't keep coming up with reasons and people I'm hanging out with downtown.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Finally, success

A vet lady came to help me give my little guy his IV.  It went very smoothly.  Thank God!!  It's weird because I can see all of the fluid in his neck now.  It will get absorbed into his organs and stuff and he will feel better.  I think I will eventually get the hang of this, with a little bit more help from her...and more money for her.

I don't want to go to the gym tomorrow morning...but I have to.  I will most likely freeze my buns off walking to Charro too.  Wednesday I will be walking in a big snow storm.  I hope she makes it in that day.  I'll be pissed if she doesn't.  I don't see why she can't do a phone sesh if she doesn't get to the office.

Time for tea and some homework.

Tree down

I'm back.  I took my tree down this morning.  It made quite a mess and now I'm trying to clean it up.  I had to take a little intermission while I went to teach class.  Now I'm back.

My night away was good.  I saw a lot of people from the field hockey world, and met some new ones.  I am tired.

The vet lady is coming to give my cat his IV later today.  Ugh...dreading that.

I must continue putting away Christmas stuff and cleaning.  So sad without my tree in here. :(

Friday, January 07, 2011

Bye world, for the day

I'll be out of touch with the world until tomorrow night. 

I've been up since 4:15 AM.  Awesome.  I'm going to a conference tomorrow.  I want to sleep on the train but I'll be with people so I can't.

My sesh with Charro wasn't very exciting today.  I said, "I look better today, don't I?"  She goes, "No!"  She told me that I have to commit to a lifestyle change.  She didn't mention my weight or a nutritionist today, so that's good.  I think she forgot about it.

I think the lady is coming on Sunday to give my boy his IV.  I am not looking forward to that.  Ugh.  Cats will go nuts.  I feel bad. :(

I guess I should get ready to go.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

A little stressed

This whole IV thing with my cat is completely stressing me out.  Last night was a mess.  I tried to get the IV in him 3 times and had no success.  Then, my other cat came over and started hissing and swatting.  I thought she was mad at him but I think she was upset with me.  I think she thought I was hurting him.  It's all very sad.  :(

Now onto my sesh...I can't wait to listen to this one tonight.  I told Charro about the whole kitty disaster and she gets it.  Then I sort of told her about my gym encounter yesterday.  (I know J, I thought about you during that).  Charro and I had a decent discussion.  She told me that I "don't look good."  I asked her what that meant and she paused for a minute and I don't remember everything that she said, but she said that I don't look "strong."  Does that mean that I look weak?  She knows I've lost weight.  She asked me how much I weigh and I said, "I don't know."  She laughed and might have said "That's bullshit" but I think she might have just said, "I don't buy that one bit."  Anyway, she didn't believe me.  I said, "Well, I don't know...I haven't weighed myself in a few days."  She said, "What did you weigh when you weighed yourself last time?"  I said, "Almost 98 pounds."  I just couldn't say 97 pounds.  I did tell her that I gained weight because I weighed 95 pounds the day before Christmas.  She said, "Well, you need to weigh 100 pounds and I mean you need to weigh 100 pounds next week."  I don't think that's going to happen.  She said if I don't gain weight she's going to have to send me to a colitis nutritionist who she works with because "you can't ride the coat tails of this colitis thing.  ED's thrive on that stuff."  So, I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I'll probably have more on this after I listen to our sesh. 

I'm sad (b/c of my cat not because of my sesh).

How am I supposed to eat dinner with my parents when I have no appetite??

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Epic failure

Three tries and I could not get the IV to stay in my cat.  :(  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I had help too.  Now I'm STRESSED!  This sucks and is way worse than sticking meds up my ass twice a day.  :( :( :(

Awkward gym encounter #212

I got to the gym and was taking off my jacket.  I saw this girl who I met there as she was getting ready to leave.  I hadn't seen her in a while but I looked at her and thought, "She looks anorexic."  I thought she looked really thin the last time I saw her, which was in October. So, I said hi and she said that I looked really thin and asked me if I weighed the same.  I said yes.  I told her that she looked really thin too and she has three kids.  She said, "You definitely look thinner than you did a few months ago."  She wouldn't let it go so I finally said, "I might have lost a few pounds."  She goes, "How much do you weigh?  Wait, let me guess.  You weigh less than I do so I'm guessing that you're no more than 100."  I said, "Right."  She asked me what the number was.  I said "98."  For some reason that sounds better than 97.  She said, "I knew you weighed less than I do and you are bonier than I am."  I said, "Well, I was just diagnosed with colitis so that probably has something to do with it.  You look really skinny and you have three kids."  She said, "Yeah, I know.  I just had surgery too and I'm not happy with it. (not sure what it was but I think it might have been in the abdomen area, maybe something with her girl parts?).  You are definitely tinier in here (pointing to my waist).  I told her that she was really skinny and she was aware of it.  Then she goes, "I'm always running around.  I've got three kids and I'm trying to be perfect.  I'm off to see my therapist now."  I was like, "Yeah, I know how that goes."  We were telling each other to stay healthy, yada yada, and as she was leaving she said, "You need to eat more...we both need to eat more."  Of course now I won't see her for another 8 years.  Hopefully I'll run into her before that and we can chat more.

It was just weird.  She wouldn't let my weight go.  It's kind of funny how I thought her face looked too thin and that she didn't look good when she says that I weigh less than she does.  I know people carry weight differently, but still.

Holding off

I'm holding off on going to the gym because I'm waiting to see if I'm going to get a call to be an extra on Gossip Girl.  I think they would have called by now so I don't think I'll be doing it.  I would have gotten to ice skate in Central Park all day and have gotten paid for it.  Oh well.  So now I will go to the gym later and watch The Closer while I'm there.  I didn't feel like going to the gym today anyway, maybe that's why I got the email for Gossip Girl.  Too bad I haven't gotten a call.  Oh well.

Tonight my friend is coming over to help me with the IV.  Oh dear!.  My other cat is sitting on my stomach and arm right now, with one paw on my keyboard.  She loves me.

I weighed myself this morning.  I wasn't supposed to, but I did.  I think I'm afraid of gaining weight.  Wait, I know I am.  I think that's why I didn't want to eat last night.  I don't want to talk to Charro about this but I am supposed to, aren't I?  She's going to lecture me and then she might come up with a really tough plan, or something, which is why I don't want to tell her.  Yesterday she said that we were going to come up with a bunch of "resolutions" (then she said she didn't mean resolutions) over the next few weeks.  She's done with me not doing anything, I think.  She gave me some homework.  Maybe I should do that while I'm waiting around here.

Monday, January 03, 2011

I'm not sure why, but...

I'm having food issues for some reason tonight.  Food is scaring me and I don't know why.  I guess it happens.

Good to have her back

Charro's back!  :)  It's nice to have her back.  I filled her in on everything.  My doctor actually called when I was with her, so I answered my phone.  I was waiting to get my biopsy results.  I knew he would call while I was in there so I left my phone on.  All is good!  He said that the biopsy results just showed inflammation, which is what he expected. 

Charro kept telling me that I have to eat more.  I don't know if she thinks I've lost weight or what.  I need to weigh myself in the morning to find out how much I weigh.  She asked how my eating is?  I told her that it's the same.  She said that stress is a bad thing for anorexia and that I have to be very careful. 

I'm so glad she's back.

I'm supposed to eat dinner but I am not hungry and don't feel like cooking.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Mental breakdown expected Tuesday

I just read the direction on how to administer the IV fluid to my cat.  I am doing this on Tuesday, with the help of a friend.  I was hoping that I could just catch him while he was sleeping and he wouldn't feel a thing, but I don't think that's going to be the case.  The paper said that you should have someone help you and hold him down with a towel or something.  This is not going to be fun!  I'm going to freak out.  My friend, "44" might witness me having a mental breakdown.  My cat does NOT sit still and does not let anyone hold him, so this is NOT going to be fun or easy.  He's going to hate me.  I really hope this is easier than I think it will be, but I don't think that's going to be the case.  Ugh!

Charro tomorrow, breakdown Tuesday, Charro Wednesday.


Uneventful 2011 thus far

Day two of January and what will I do?  Nothing planned other than teaching.  It's a little yucky out so I'll probably stay in. 

I'm very excited to see Charro tomorrow.  I've got A LOT to talk to her about.

I really, really want to weigh myself.  I definitely won't make it until Friday, that's for sure.  I'm thinking that I won't weigh myself tomorrow though, in case Charro asks how much I weigh.  I don't want it to be lower and have to tell her.  So, maybe Tuesday I will do it.

I need to brush my teeth and get dressed.  So far, January has been uneventful.  I like it that way.

Saturday, January 01, 2011


I didn't realize until this morning that it is 1/1/11.  That's pretty cool. :)

Happy New Year!

Last night was nice.  I just hung out in my apartment with a couple of friends.  We played Wii karaoke! It was fun(ny).

I started off the morning by going to the gym.  I just got back and now I have to shower and go to Barnes and Noble to get a calender.  Then I can fill out all of my engagements, i.e. doctor's appointments.

Shower time.  What a boring post.