Saturday, December 31, 2011

Last run of 2011...

Was done in shorts and a t-shirt!  :)  Yes folks, December 31st in New York City and I was able to wear shorts!  I don't go outside if it's too cold, never mind exercise, so that just goes to show you that it was nice out.  Tomorrow it's supposed to be the same, but come Tuesday, leaving my apartment.  It's not going to get out of the 20s.  Yuck!

I didn't feel like going running, but I did.  I thought I was going to go home tomorrow but now I'm not so now I can work out tomorrow too.  Should I run in the park again or go to the gym??  Hmmm...maybe I can recruit my neighbor to run with me.  An extra day of working out that I didn't think I'd get. :)

I am watching Growing Pains on DVD but my remote doesn't work (yes, I've tried 3 different sets of batteries), so I have the stupid subtitles on here that I can't get rid of.  At least they're in English this time.

My friends are coming over in an hour.  I am all set, in my PJs, ready to go.  :)

Oh Christmas Tree

Ohhh, my poor Christmas tree is pretty dead.  I don't want to take it down but I'm going to have to.  I will do that on Tuesday.  It looked so pretty and now it's all droopy.  I should probably take off my really nice ornaments so they don't fall off and break.  That would be sad. :(

I think I'm going to go for a run in the park today.  It's warm for December and I don't feel like going to the gym, so I think I'll suck up the fact that it's still "too cold" for me to run outside and go running anyway, because like I said, it's "warm" for December." 

I'm having a few friends over so I need to clean.  I cleaned on Thursday, but I feel like I made more of a mess during my cleaning process.  Don't ya hate when that happens?

My goal for this weekend is to find something really good to talk to Charro about on Monday.  Something deep or something.  I need to email Stephanie this week too, to remind her that I'll be going to see her when Charro leaves.  That's going to be weird, I think.

K, time to get off of my bum and do something.  Oh yeah, Happy New Year.  I don't like NYE so I'll be staying my PJs.  I love that.  I told my friends that "comfy clothes are required" to come over.  :)

Friday, December 30, 2011

She forgot WIF

Charro totally forgot to weigh me today.  I was shocked.  I put my boots on and stood up and started getting my stuff together and I said, "You're very forgetful today."  She agreed and blamed her cold and pregnancy.  Then I said, "What day is it?"  She said, "Friday December 30."  I said, "Yes, what do we call that?"  Then she realized, after a moment, that it was WIF.  She told me to get on the scale and then made a comment that I was "wearing those jeans" so my weight would be higher.  I said, "The jeans don't make a difference." I'm not sure she realized I was wearing my boots.  Ha!  Funny.  Anyway, I know that number won't matter come WIF in two weeks.  I wonder if she'll surprise WIF me next week.

Thursday, December 29, 2011


I have WIF again tomorrow.  Why does it sneak up on me so quickly?  I don't know how it got brought up the other day, but I know it was Charro who said something about having a scale at her Monday office, but I mentioned how I thought I would not get weighed until she was back to her full schedule, which would be June.  So, I thought I'd have no weigh ins from the end of Feb. to June, which would have been nice.  She, however, informed me that she has access to scales on Monday.  Ew.  I said, "I figured you'd get one somewhere because I figured you'd want to weigh me as soon as you got back from maternity leave.  Sucks!  Blah! 

I'm watching Charlie Brown.  I'm sort of hungry a little but I don't want to eat because my stomach is fat.  I can't wait to go to sleep either!!


I have a phone sesh with Charro in an hour and I don't have a single thing to talk about.  This should be fun.  Should have opted out of the phone sesh but I figured it would be good for the whole consistency thing.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Charro cancelled this morning, which I was actually hoping for and happy about.  The only thing I wish was that she had let me know a little earlier so I could have just woken up, checked my email and gone back to bed.  Instead, I woke up and ate and got half dressed and then she called.  I quickly got undressed and crawled back into bed.  It wasn't the same sleep I would have had had I never woken up in the first place, but it was still needed.  I didn't go to bed until 2 AM so I was shot and I will definitely need some more sleep later today.  I might need some caffeine before my 3 PM run too.  I had a feeling that she was going to cancel today because she was sick when we spoke on Monday.  I even said something to her about her cancelling today.  It kind of stinks because I wouldn't have come back to NYC yesterday, although I did go out on a date last night so maybe I still would have, I don't know.  Charro offered to do a phone sesh with me tomorrow, I told her no but that I'd think about it and maybe change my mind.

I think I'm going to hit up the sales at Target today.  I'm waiting to hear back from my friend.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Time to unpack

My cats do not want to be back here.  One is crying and scratching at the door because he wants to go wander the hall.  I need to unpack and put away all the crap that I brought back, that's no fun.  I have to go to the gym, shower and then go on a date with my friend from the other side of the world.  He wants to go to this Mexican restaurant which is like high class Mexican food, which I'm not fond of but he's the one visiting so I will go.  We'll probably hang out here after or before or both. 

I want to weigh myself but maybe I'll wait until tomorrow.  I have WIF this week.  Oh I hate WIF.  I told Charro that I think WIF every other week is more stressful than every week.  I don't know. 

I would love to take a nap but I don't think that's going to happen. I need to clean up my stuff and then maybe I can.

Monday, December 26, 2011

new toy

Trying out my new toy...a tablet.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas, people! :)

Merry Christmas!!!  I hope anyone who might be reading this has a wonderful Christmas.  Try (I am going to do this as well) to just enjoy your friends and family and not to freak out too much.  I'm going to keep telling myself the same thing.  So far so good, but I haven't had any reason to freak out.  Just ENJOY!!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Home for Christmas

I am home for Christmas!  I have some friends to see today and that's about it.  I saw Charro this morning.  We had to eat one of my pretzel creations that I made for people.  Caramel covered, chocolate covered pretzels.  I don't know why I had to eat one.  I walked there, which I didn't think I was going to be able to do because I had a suitcase and backpack, but I did it and I think I walked if faster than usual, which is weird.  I was sweating bullets when I got there, but that's okay.

In less than 24 hours I've had three people tell me that I'm "bones" or something similar to that.  I find that pretty funny since I've actually gained weight.  I'll take them as compliments though.  Last night the lady who teaches after me said that I'm "a bone."  Today one of my co-workers, (a male) said that I need to eat a lot because I'm "skin and bones."  Then, one of my clients told me that I need to eat, blah blah.  Ok, I'll take it but it's funny to me.  People should have been saying that last year when I was much thinner because I was sick with my ulcerative colitis and didn't know it.

The feast of foods begins tomorrow.  This should be interesting.

My kitties are happy to have me home.  I am happy to see them.  They missed me.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I like this feeling

I feel skinny today.  That's odd...and nice.  I like this feeling.  What I don't like is that my tooth is hurting and I think I'll have to go get a filling.  I went to the dentist last month and it didn't hurt and now it hurts.  Stupid.  I don't like going to the dentist.

It's weird, I told Charro this yesterday, I feel like I'm not going to see her next week because every year since I've started seeing her, she's been away the week between Christmas and New Years.  This year, she will be here, so I keep thinking I won't see her, but I will.  I'm not coming back to see her on Monday because I just want to chill at home after Christmas.  Let's hope I don't freak out this weekend.  That would be nice.  I didn't freak out last weekend and I thought I would, but I have a feeling this weekend will be different.  It's three days of food...and lots of it.

I need to pack to go home, but I have no idea what I'm going to wear so I need to figure this out.  I have nothing to do today, so I guess I'll have time to figure it out.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Chop, Chop Charro

I was sitting in my sesh this morning and Charro was twisting her hair.  She stopped, grabbed the scissors on her desk, and cut off a piece of her hair.  I watched in awe, mouth hanging open, and she goes, "What, you've never done that before?  I couldn't take that knot."

FUNNY!!  She may have a bowl cut next time I see her.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

No more baking

I'm DONE baking.  Through!  Finished!  Finito!!  No more.  Oops, I just realized that that's a lie because I have to bake something to bring to my sister's on Christmas Eve.  Well, I get a couple days off.  I think I made a few (50) too many pretzels.  Whoops.  My mom will be happy.

Tomorrow is my day to run while watching The Closer.  I have Charro tomorrow.  I think my little Squish has a thyroid problem.  That will be confirmed or denied when the bloodwork comes back.  It seems like an easy medication though, which would be nice.  I just hope that it's not expensive and that it is a thyroid problem and not something worse.  They weren't happy at the vet today though.  They behaved though.

I kind of want to not eat for the next few days because I'll be eating all weekend.  I mean, I'll eat, I just don't really need to eat real meals.  I don't have WIF until next Friday, which is good.  I hate WIF.  I do miss saying "WIW" though. 

It's lonely without my kitties here.  :(

Monday, December 19, 2011

Wanting to give up

I told Charro that I didn't feel like going to see her today and that I felt like just giving up.  Of course she wanted to know what that was about.  I told her that I just didn't feel like doing it anymore.  I also questioned whether I should go see Stephanie while Charro is on maternity leave.  She said, "Well you have to see someone."  I said, "I do?"  I guess she thinks I should.  She also told me NOT to walk to the train station when I left her because it was "compulsive" and I had my backpack that I was carrying.  She told me several times NOT to walk, but I did.  It was a 20 minute walk, it wasn't worth taking the subway.

I have to take my cats to the vet tomorrow.  I have a feeling I'm going to get bad news when it comes to my little one.  She's been drinking a TON of water.  I think my boy is doing well.  He looks good.  I'll have them give him his IV tomorrow so I don't have to do it.  I haven't done it in a few weeks.  I'll be anxiously awaiting their blood test results.  Ugh, that's the worst.

I must go get ready to watch my show.

No surgery :)

Just got back from the hip doctor and he said that he would not recommend surgery at this point.  YAY!!  That is a good thing.  He said it may heal on it's on, in time.  Now it's just a question of how much discomfort I can take before I lose my mind.  We shall see.  I don't need to see him again unless I want to take action.  Surgery doesn't sound like a great option because it could make my mobility worse.  I do  NOT want that.  He said if he had to do one thing, it would be 3 days on crutches, if he had to do something else (I have no idea what he was talking about which is why I'm referring to it at "something else"), it would be 6 weeks recovery and NO running for 3 months.  So, none of that is going to happen at this point in time.  I will take an anti-inflammatory every morning for a few months, like he suggested...although I do not really want to do that at all, and see what happens. 

I called my mom to tell her the deal.  She told me that I shouldn't "work out so hard."  I said, "I don't work out hard."  She said, "You're always working out."  Not really.

So, with that said, I need to get changed and go to the gym.  Then I need to shower and go see Charro.  It's going to be a cold walk today.  It's nippy out there.

I still have that stupid fly in my apartment.  I can't get rid of it.  I tried locking it in the bathroom last night and capturing it, but I was not successful.  I'd open my door and let it just fly out, but it's too cold out to do that, and he'd probably fly the other way because he doesn't want to go out there either.

I'm hungry.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

No freakouts yet

Back in NY.  I didn't have any freakouts this weekend because of food.  That's a good thing.  My parties were good.  There was so much good food at my work party last night.  I wish you could just eat a bunch of food at one time (because it's good, not because of ED stuff) and kind of have it on reserve so you don't have to eat the next day.  What I mean is that the food was really good and I knew I was coming back to my apartment where I have no meals to eat and nothing that I want to eat or cook.

I have to make more Christmas treats and I don't want to at the moment.  I'll do it in a little bit.  I also want to watch Christmas Vacation because I have not watched it yet this year and it's an absolute must!!  I LOVE that movie.  I need to clean up all the cat stuff too, since they're not here.  Oh, my little one peed on the carpet in my parents family room yesterday.  I was NOT happy, nor were my parents.  She's clearly pissed at  Pissed cats, piss!

Charro all week with a couple trips back and forth between here and home.  Hip doctor tomorrow.  Busy week.

Friday, December 16, 2011


I had WIF today.  It wasn't fun, but it never is fun.  Charro was like, "alright, let's go."  I sat there for a little bit and then finally go up.  I wasn't happy during our sesh today.  At one point Charro asked me what I was angry about because she said I seemed angry.  I told her I wasn't angry but I wasn't in a good mood.  So, after WIF I just stood on the scale and looked at her and she looked at me.  We're almost eye to eye when I'm standing up there, although she still has a few inches on me.  I guess we were just a little closer to being eye to eye than normal.  So, we stared at each other and I she said, "Keep on going," and I made a face.  She goes, "We're like a comedy act."  I said, "I don't think anyone would pay to see us."  She said, "No, but to ourselves we are."  I said, "I'm not in a funny mood today."  She said, "I can tell." 

We had a good sesh, I just don't want to gain weight.  I don't know what's going to happen when she goes on maternity leave because she's the one who keeps me from sliding down.  Ugh.  She says it's up to me and that it's my choice and I keep telling her that I don't feel like it is.  I really don't feel like it's my choice.  When you have such strong feelings how are you supposed to change them??  When you get into that freakout it's hard to "talk to yourself" in another way.  I can't do it, that's for sure. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011


I finished my work project this morning.  I worked on it last night because I had nothing else to do, and then a friend stopped by.  I also managed to do some of my prep for baking.  I'm going to get on that again in a few minutes.  I ran out of room in my fridge so I had to stop.  I also need to pack to head home tomorrow.  I have a few parties to go to so I have to bring home some decent clothes.  Cats are coming with me.  It stresses me out to bring them in the car and home because it stresses them out.  They get sweaty paws and it kills me.  I REALLY hope they don't pee in my parents house like they did last year.  I tried so hard to get that odor out and if you have cats, you know that doesn't happen.  Ugh.  I am trying to mask the smell so they don't go back there.  NOT GOOD!!  I take them to the vet next week, which is also stressful for everyone.

I so do NOT want to get weighed tomorrow.  I hate WIF.  Yesterday there was a chair in the way of the scale, so I'm hoping that will be the case tomorrow.  Not like Charro can't move the chair, but maybe she'll forget about WIF if there's a chair there.  Wishful thinking, huh?

I'm preparing myself for the food and freakouts the I will no doubt be having this weekend.  Fun times!  I'm watching Martina on TV right now too, which sure as hell won't help me feel good about my body. She's awesome though.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I had some green tea before I went to the gym today.  I drink decaf green tea all the time, but I decided to have regular green tea to see if it made my workout better.  Well, maybe it was mental, but I had a good run.  I ran 6 miles and was going to keep going but my hip was hurting a bit.  I plan on running again either Friday afternoon or Saturday morning.  Not sure if I'll get to the gym on Friday since I'm bringing my cats home.  I don't like running on the treadmills at home but I'll have to I guess.  Anyway, I think I may have caffeine all the time.  It kills me to say that because I pride myself on never drinking any caffeine and now I am straying away from that.

I really don't want to get weighed on Friday.  I'm going to weigh 2000 pounds.  I freak out when I don't "weigh enough" for Charro and I don't like it when I weigh too much for me and know that she'll be happy that I weigh more.  I don't want to weigh more.  Stupid double edge sword.  I hate this crap.  Maybe I should just quit Charro and go back to being completely obsessive, because that's fun. 

I might go to the gym early tomorrow night to work out before class.  We'll see how I feel about that when the time comes.  I really should, especially if I'm not working out on Friday.

Okay, this was my break from work, now I have to get back to it.  I need to start my Christmas baking and I have no time to do it.

Okay, one more thing...If you saw Charro from the back you'd never know she is 7 months pregnant.  It's highly annoying.  Why the hell does she have to be so skinny?  She has no ass.  Aren't people suppose to get asses when they're pregnant??  Her arms and legs are still sticks.  All she has is a belly.  It is SO. NOT! FAIR.  Waa!

Is it nap time?

I'm tired.  It's okay, but I'm tired. I'm kind of in a blah mood too.  My sesh with Charro was okay.  I talked a lot but I didn't really come out of there feeling any better about things. I guess that happens.  I feel like I'm at a place where it would be so easy to just not eat, and I really want to do that, but so far I haven't.  I feel like there's going to be a breaking point soon though.  I don't know how much longer I can handle eating and gaining weight.  Okay, I am not constantly gaining weight, but I've gained a few pounds and I hate it.  That's the way it goes.

Okay, I have a ton of work to do so I better get busy.  Lots of inputting data today.  Mindless work, but sitting at a computer all day when you're tired, isn't fun.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Go, go, go

I have been non-stop, on the go since last Tuesday.  It may not end until Wednesday.  I hope it does because I REALLY need to start my Christmas baking.  I think I have to go back home this afternoon, after I see Charro and then would head back here after work tomorrow to head to a Christmas party.  Friday, it's back home, with the cats, two Christmas parties, then back here to work Sunday morning. 

I need to hit the gym and run this morning.  I figure if I run for 45 minutes and then walk to Charro's, that's an 1 hour 45 minutes of activity.  That's decent.

I love my Christmas tree. 

I hosted a party last night.  I cooked for that and now I have ton of leftovers.  Lots of desserts that I don't know what to do with.  I guess I can give them to the doormen.  I guess I should eat breakfast and get dressed so I can get going.  It's freaking cold out and I don't like it.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

There are a lot of things I should talk to Charro about on Monday, but the feelings I was having on Thursday are gone and I can't have that emotion that I had on Thursday, so it doesn't make sense for me to talk about how fat and disgusting I'm feeling much of the time.  I should have emailed her when I was feeling like crap, then she would have gotten the emotion.  She doesn't mind when I do that.

I have so much to do tomorrow, which means that I should probably go to bed.  I'm having people over, so I have to cook and clean and teach class.

I hope my Christmas tree doesn't die.  It's not drinking.  It needs to last another 3 weeks, at least.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Kitty love

I'm happy to be back in my apartment with my kitties!  I don't think anyone pooped where they weren't supposed to, which is a good thing.  I bought a few more ornaments for my tree so I need to put them on.  I have to babysit in the morning, workout, babysit again in the afternoon through the night.  Big bucks for me. :)

I need to run off my fat stomach, so I'm going to do that again tomorrow.  I hate that the next two weeks are all about food.  I have 5 parties in 7 days.  That's a lot of food and a lot of freak outs for me.  Always a good time.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through them without totally freaking out and deciding that I need to just not eat and work out like crazy.  Well, I'm already going to pick up the workouts because I need to.

I'm so bummed, they moved Starving Secrets to 11 PM.  What??  That's so past my bedtime.  Guess I'll be watching it on Saturdays instead of Fridays now.  Ugh, I'm going to miss it next Friday and the following Friday.  I'll have to wait to watch those episodes. 

Here we go again

I have felt absolutely disgusting for the past two days.  I am so thankful that the client I was supposed to be with all day today cancelled so I can spend more time at the gym.  I haven't worked out in two days.  I'm going to go and run...just run.  I hope I can just keep going.  I feel like this is how the whole month is going to be since I have a bunch of parties to go to.  I'll feel like I'm constantly eating and getting fatter.  Honestly, I can't stand the way my stomach looks right now.  I literally almost threw up in disgust when I saw it the other day.  I can't take it. 

Maybe I can finish my Christmas shopping today, since I won't be with this client.  That would be fantastic.  I just don't know what to get the people whom I haven't bought for yet, which is why I haven't gotten them anything yet.

I would head back to NY earlier, but I promised my nephews I'd have dinner with them.  They want to celebrate my birthday.  They're so cute. 

I just want to run...If I could do 6 or more miles, that would be awesome.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

More celebrating

I've had a very nice two days.  I'm home with my parents right now.  I've been on the go non-stop since yesterday morning, and it will be that way until, well, I don't know until when, possibly next Wednesday.  I have a full day and night of work tomorrow and I full day of work on Friday.  I have to travel a bit for both of these things.  Tomorrow is a 12+ hour thing and Friday will be day one of however many days it takes me to finish this project.  I'm glad I actually have something to do for my job because most of the time I don't have to do much, which is nice, don't get me wrong, but at least I feel like I'm working.

My office bought me lunch today and then I went out to dinner with my parents.  I haven't been getting enough sleep and should go to bed in a few minutes but my favorite movie is on.  Oh well, I have it on DVD so I guess I can watch it any time, but it's more exciting to watch on TV.

This is so sad, one of my friends had to give birth to her dead baby.  I don't know all of the details, but I think she went into the hospital because she wasn't feeling anything.  I think they knew it was dead before she gave birth.  I can't imagine going through an entire pregnancy and going into give birth and having this happen.  I feel so bad for her and her husband.  She had no health problems. I wonder what went wrong.  You think your safe when you go your full 9 months, but I guess you just don't know.  I can't even imagine what they're going through.  :( 

Okay, now on that sad note, it's time for me to go to bed.  I am taking a day off from birthday celebrating tomorrow, but I'll continue on Friday night.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011


Today has been a busier day than expected, which is nice.  I went to the gym.  The swelling on my knee is going down, which is good.  I ran for a while and then did the elliptical.  My hip hurts, but my knee feels better.  Ha.  I'm getting lots of phone calls and facebook messages today.  I feel loved. :)  My friend is coming over because her birthday was yesterday and mine is today.  I gave the gift of weighing myself to myself this morning.  That's about it.  Now I'm eating chocolate animal crackers, my favorite.

Monday, December 05, 2011

Charro didn't bring up her being "perturbed" from last week.  I knew she wouldn't.  I sort of brought it up.  She said it's entirely up to me, what I want to do with this weight business and whether or not I want to get better.  She said that she can't do it for me, which I already know.  She said that she's giving me her recommendation for what she knows to be healthy.  This is what she said.  "You're at a super unhealthy weight where I would be concerned about your health.  I think it's not good for you.  I think you'll always be obsessive and anxious and I think it's going to ruin your quality of life.  Not to mention that I think there may be some health consequences down the road.  But since it's nothing acute, I can't do anything unless you want to."

We talked about the Tracey Gold show too.  She doesn't think it's a good idea that I watch "shows like that," but let's be honest, I'm going to.  I told her that it was good.  She wanted to know if it triggered me, which it doesn't. 

Then we discussed the crazy massage I had on Friday.  She thought it was odd too, what happened.  I don't think I wrote about it but I'm too tired to do it now.

Oh my darling

I just ate breakfast and I'm still hungry.  Maybe I'll have some clementines.  I can't get up right now.  I have a cat on my stomach and and ice pack on my leg.  It's a bit swollen under my know.  I hope Charro doesn't notice because then she'll yell at me for walking to her office.

Cat jumped off.  I need to get ready to go to the gym.  Cat now crying in the bathroom because she wants me to pick her up and put her on the counter so she can have a drink.

Maybe I'll weigh myself tomorrow.

I had something I was actually going to write about but I don't know what it was.  I forgot.  I guess that means I should eat my clementines and go to the gym. 

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Fingers, cuts, knees, on my

 I was a bit accident prone today,  I think.  I stabbed myself while trying to change the needle to the IV and wasn't even able to give my cat his IV because I sucked at trying to do it today.  I fell playing field hockey, which is not at all unusual, but my knee landed on someone's stick which hurt like a beast.  I didn't think I was going to be able to get up.  I knew it was one of those things that was just going to hurt like hell for a few minutes until I could walk it off.  That was the case.  I seriously had to just sit there for a few seconds.  My friend, "I saw that you didn't get up and I knew it hurt.  You usually bounce right back up."  Then I got home ans sliced my finger on something.  I still don't know what it was, but it bled a lot.

I can't wait to go to bed.  My tree is done.  I ran out of tinsel so I have to get some tomorrow.  I'm icing my knee now, it's actually right under my knee cap but it currently looks like I have a second kneecap, which is never a good thing. 

Bed time in 10 minutes.

Things that happen

I heard a lady get hit by a cab last night.  I don't know how injured she was, but from across the street, I couldn't see blood.  She was just laying there.

I keep biting my cheek and it's really annoying.  It's protruding out so I bite it even more.

My stomach is also protruding out, which is possible worse than the cheek biting situation.  At least that will heal.  I need my stomach to be concave.

I went to bed late and woke up too early.

My Christmas tree lights are half done and now I have to finish them and decorate, but since I'm extremely anal and a perfectionist when it comes to my tree, this will take a while.  It's too short and I'm not happy with it.

I'm going to play field hockey and hope to stay injury free.

I am hungry but don't know what I want to eat.  I really need some protein but I don't want a protein shake, egg whites or a yogurt.  That means I'll probably just do my tree lights instead of consuming something.

I need a nap.

I don't think Charro will remember that she wants an answer from me tomorrow about this whole weight thing.  I'll pretend like I forgot.  Afterall, it is my Australian birthday.

I really, really hate feeling and looking 9 months pregnant.  It sucks.

Tree time.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Give me an answer

Charro wants an answer from me on Monday as to whether or not I'm willing to get to 103.  I guess I need to be honest with her and tell her that I don't.  She said she was not going to fight with me about my weight anymore, but does that mean she'll "fire" me if I don't agree to 103??  That's my only concern.  I'm afraid that if I tell her that I don't want to get to 103 she'll tell me that she won't see me anymore, which is why I feel like I should lie and just pretend that I do get to 103.  I don't want to lie though, which is why it's hard.  I don't think I will lie.  Well, I'll tell her that I don't want to and then if she tells me that she won't see me, then I will tell her I will do it.  I don't want to, nor do I need to.

I do need to take a shower though.

I got my Christmas tree and it's too small.  I knew I would be mad when I got it home.  I was having tree anxiety when I was buying it because I knew I wouldn't be happy with it.  Grr.  I can't decorate it until tomorrow.

I need a nap.  I'll do that after I shower.

Tracey Gold

Tracey Gold's show, Starving Secrets, debuted last night.  It was awesome.   Charro doesn't want me watching things like this but I don't see why and it's not like I'm not going to watch it.  I can't wait to see it next Friday night.

Friday, December 02, 2011


Right now I have a big desire to make brownies and eat a large quantity of them.  Since I don't binge, that is not likely to happen.  It kind of would be nice if I could just do that (not binge, but eat a large quantity of brownies) every now and then.

I'm perturbed

That's what Charro said today after she weighed me.  She is not happy that I have not gained weight.  (I haven't lost weight).  She said, "So you're just not gaining anything, huh?  Too bad.  Do you just want to stay here?  I'm not going to fight you on this.  I prefer you get up but if you're going to keep fighting it."  (Me) "I'm not fighting it."  Charro - "Yes you clearly are.  So just tell me the truth.  What are you going to do?  Let's not pretend anymore.  Are you going to gain up to 103, ever?  That's what would be indicated for you.  You have to stop restricting and stop exercising when you don't feel like it. (more chatter).  Charro chimes back in with, "I'm a little bit perturbed, actually, by this pretend game here.  You're supposed to be gaining weight.  Can you just do it?  Are you signed on to do it because that's what you're here for.  You need to get your weight up, bottom line!"

So I went for a massage after my sesh because I bought one of those groupon type thingies a while back.  Carlos gave me quite a nice massage but while he was up near my head I could feel him breathing on my face, which sketched me out a bit.  Then I could feel him on my my, almost like he was smelling my hair.  It was a little odd.  I kept thinking, what if he kisses my head?  Then towards the end he whispered in my ear, "thank you," in this very seductive voice.  I thought to myself, this is going to make for a funny story later.  The massage felt good, well, it did hurt sometimes and my calf is already sore, but for the most part it was good. 

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Dare I say...

That my hip has been feeling great this past week.  It shouldn't since I ran 6 miles on Saturday, taught aerobics and played field hockey on Sunday and ran again on Monday, but it does. :)  Yay.  Let's hope it stays that way.  I was supposed to go to the doctor next week but now I don't go for another few weeks.  I love that it feels good.

I almost forgot that I have WIF tomorrow.  It's been nice not getting weighed.  I wish it stayed that way.  Maybe I can get her to stop weighing me at the end of this month/year.  That would be fantastic!!  I'm probably going to end up weighing myself a lot while Charro's on maternity leave.  Let's face it, I'd be weighing myself everyday if she wouldn't ask me about it.

I have to get changed into my gym clothes.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Up and away

My sesh was pretty uneventful.  Before I even sat down Charro said "Starting in January..."  I stopped her and said, "Oh no, this isn't going to be good."  She said, "Sit down first.  I'm raising my fees to 10 dollars.  Is that going to work for you?"  I said, "Of course, I'm totally fine with 10 dollars."  She then corrected herself and told me that she's raising them ten dollars.  I knew that all along, but I was messing with her.  I said, "You know what's weird?  The other day I thought to myself, Charro's probably going to raise her fees soon."  WEIRD!

We talked about her going on maternity leave and how it's going to suck and how I have a "choice" to act disordered or not.  I don't think I do.

I have WIF on Friday.  It's been a while since I've stepped on that scale.  Maybe she'll stop weighing me soon.  This should be interesting.  Blah!  I want to be a stick.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

My feet are cold

The nice weather streak is over.  If only it could be 70 degrees all winter long, I would be ecstatic.  I did, however, just book a flight to Florida.  Sunshine and palm trees, here I a few months.  Booking that trip was just my deciding factor that I am not having surgery on my hip any time soon.  :)

I get to see my brother today.  He's flying in for the night and my sister is going to come into the city so we can all hang out.  We don't get to do that very much. 

My feet are cold.  I can't wait to get tan! :)  The only sad thing is that it's like a week before Charro goes on maternity leave, so I will miss that time with her, and it will probably be a time when I'm freaking out.  Maybe that wasn't such good timing.  Hopefully I'll get back and she'll be around for another week or two.  Those are going to be a long few months when she's gone.  I should have booked the trip while she was away.  What was I thinking?  Oh yeah, this flight was cheap! 

I'm feeling much better about my weight, even though it's still not down to where I'd like it to be.  I might actually be okay with where I am now.  WHAT!?  I know.  We'll see.

Monday, November 28, 2011

A "sort of" weighing

I had a good sesh with Charro.  I told her about all of my freakouts over the past few days.  I told her that I sort of weighed myself last night and that the only thing that kept me from weighing myself all the rest of the time was having to tell her that I weighed myself.  She asked me what I meant when I said I "sort of weighed myself."  I told her that I had just gotten out of the shower, had a towel on my wet hair and on my body and that I had to pee.  She came back with, "So does that mean it doesn't count when I weigh you in here because you're wearing clothes?"  I said, "No because it's a different scale.  I only weigh myself with nothing on at my scale which is why it didn't count when I weighed myself last night."  She didn't seem to understand that, but it made perfectly good sense in my head.

I had no energy, but my run to Charro's office went well.  It is just so nice out so it's kind of impossible to not love being outside right now.  It's 64 degrees at 6:30 PM on Nov. 28th.  What's better than that??  I'd be thrilled if it stayed like this all winter long.  I guess I won't be "thrilled."

I guess that's it.

Stable ankles

Ty Pennington drives me insane.  I can't stand him.

I almost broke both of my ankles this weekend.  Saturday, while running in the park, yesterday while playing field hockey.  I stepped on the ball and rolled my ankle.  Luckily I escaped both ankle rolls without injury.  I guess I have nice, "bendy" ligaments in there.  Flexibility baby.

I'm skipping the gym and running to Charro's.  It's less of a workout than I would do if I went to the gym and then walked there.  Whatevs.  My legs are pretty tired.

Tracey Gold's new show debuts on Friday night.  I cannot wait!!  She was just on GMA talking about it.  I'll be setting my DVR.  Is it wrong that I don't want to go out on Friday so I can watch this show?  Nah. 

Both my cats puked last night.  One was a hairball the other was because she drank too much water.  I then broke one of the cat's bowls this morning.  Hmm, now they don't have matching bowls and I don't know how I'll find one to fit into that little bowl holder.

I think my cold is moving into my chest.  Let's hope not.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I did it.  I shouldn't have, but I did.  I weighed myself and it was just as I suspected...BAD!!  I...I don't even know now.  I just want to never eat.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate getting fatter.  Charro is going to be so disappointed in me.  I kind of want to throw up, but I won't.  I feel that way a lot but I don't follow through with it.  I just feel that way.  I'm never going to get over this.  I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.  Fun stuff.  Is it possible that my wet hair weighed 2 pounds?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  :(


I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster the past few days.  I go from feeling fine about my body to feeling so disgustingly fat and nasty.  I haven't felt this way in a while.  I've stayed off the scale, somehow, but I don't know how much longer that can last.  I feel like I just need to weigh myself to feel better, or weigh myself to confirm that how I've been feeling about my body is correct.  It seems like a win win situation.  The only reason I haven't weighed myself is because I don't want to have to tell Charro that I weighed myself.

My eyes are dry, I need to take my contacts out.  Maybe I'll take a nap on my floor, in the sun, like a cat, with my cats before going to field hockey.  If I get lucky, I will see a beautiful sunset tonight, but it's getting cloudy so I don't know if that will be the case.  I'll have my camera, just in case!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I love this weather!

It's so freaking nice out.  I just went running in the park and it so beautiful out.  I wish it would stay like this all winter.  It's making it a little difficult to decorate for Christmas, but I've already started and now my apartment is a disaster, so I have to finish.

I almost busted my ankle on the path, which is not uncommon, but this time I felt it.  I'm fine though.  Good thing because I'd be stuck if I got hurt, although I'm sure someone would help me.

I have to take down my pumpkin lights outside.

I'm feeling better now than I was before.  That's a good thing.


I'll probably do that anyway

I really, really, really, REALLY want to weigh myself.  I know I won't like the number and if I don't like the number then I will just restrict, but let's be honest, I feel huge so I'm probably going to do that anyway. 

I have high hopes for my run, but I'm so out of running shape and I have a little cold, which isn't going to help.  I just have to push through everything and keep going even if I want to stop.

We went and got our Christmas tree yesterday.  We never go this early but my mom wants to put it up early this year.  My dad and I go cut it down every year, but this year my sis and nephews came.  I think we got a good one.  I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to our tree.  It needs to be tall and perfect.  Now I just have to get my tree for my apartment.  Not sure when that is happening.

Oh yeah, I did wake up last night starving but just ignored it.

Friday, November 25, 2011

I'll be running...

a lot tomorrow!!  I feel absolutely huge, disgusting, repulsive, like I want to puke, like I should run up the 40 flights of stairs in my building, fat!!!  I thought about doing the steps but then my legs would be shot for running tomorrow and field hockey on Sunday, so I'm not going to do that.  I'll do some abs and push-ups which won't really do much as far as burning calories, but whatever.  I hate feeling this way.  I need to weigh myself to see how fat I got.  Blah!  I hate this.

I'm so thirsty so I'm going to drink 8 million gallons of water.  I'll probably wake up starving at 3 AM again, like I did last night.

I'm so happy to be back with my kitties.  They didn't leave me any (visible) gifts.  I hope they didn't leave me any at all.

I'm going to try to get unfat this weekend.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving day done

Thanksgiving was nice.  I went to the gym for a while and while I was lifting weights I noticed that my hand was all bloody.  Somehow I sliced my finger (not badly) and didn't know it and there was blood everywhere.  I don't have any clue when it happened.  Weird.

I saw this woman who I can't stand.  We were sort of gym friends years ago and she happens to be a nutritionist who started doing body fat testing at my gym.  Well she did mine and that was a disaster, but that's not the point of the story.  She thinks that she is better than everyone because she has her PhD.  I'll never forget the time she referred to the grad students she was working with as "little peons."  I was so turned off by that.  They were doing their internships or whatever and that's what she called them.  Bitch.  Anyway, I don't know what happened, besides her calling me a "manipulative little bitch" to someone, that made me hate her.  I saw her today and avoided her because I can't be fake nice to her.  I'm sure she was watching me work out the entire time I was there.  I hope I don't see her tomorrow.  She always wears a hat to hide.  She's just so unfriendly.

Anyway, I'm tired and luckily don't feel disgustingly full.  I wasn't that hungry today...that is amazing, given my recent need to consume so much food over the past 10 days.  I hope that my hunger is gone because that was just ridiculous.

K, bedtime.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Anorexic Kate

I saw anorexic Kate at the gym today.  She is this girl whom I know from my town and gym.  We went to high school together, although she's younger than I am.  She knew who I was growing up but I didn't know her.  Anyway, she's anorexic.  She looks better than she did but she's still anorexic.  That really isn't the point of this.  Seeing her makes me feel like complete and utter crap.  She's skinny and all I can think about is how fat I am and how fat she must think I look.  I tried to hide in my sweatshirt when I saw her at the gym.  I'm sure she was thinking about how fat I looked.  I was embarrassed to be seen by her.  I felt like I was not good because I eat and not emaciated.  I know that being stick thin doesn't make me a good person, but apparently I feel like I'd feel better if I was a stick.  I think I need to take all of this to Charro with me on Monday.  It just made me feel like crap.

I got home and took a shower and looked 7 months pregnant.  I'm so grossed out by myself and I want to weigh myself and I'm not sure I can hold off on that.  I told Charro I wouldn't, but I told her that I wasn't sure I'd be able to stick to that commitment.  She said, "No weighing until WIF next week."  UGH, but I've been eating so much and I need to see how fat I've gotten.  I guess I'm gearing up for some big freak out or something.  Ugh, it's not even Thanksgiving yet, just wait until tomorrow when I feel 100 times worse!


A quick post before I head to the gym, even though I'd rather just cozy up on my parents couch in a nice warm blanket.  Charro told me a story this morning.  She said, "I woke up at 3 this morning and elbowed Lucy (her dog) because she was right behind me.  Then I looked and saw that it was Lukas (son).  He crawled out of his crib and into bed.  He didn't wake up when I elbowed him.  Lucy looked at me like, 'yeah, you always blame me.'  It was like he was spooning me."  Okay, I might have gotten that quote wrong, but I will get it right after I listen to my sesh.  I couldn't believe she said "spooning."  I almost died.  It was funny.  I love when she shares personal stories with me.  I said, "I was eating a banana at 3 AM because I woke up starving!"

K, I guess I should go do this whole workout thing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Good news

I don't have a tapeworm!!!  I just read that they actually make you lose your appetite rather than make you hungry.  Yay.  I would throw up if I had a tapeworm.  I'm going to make a doctor's appointment to have my thyroid checked.  I guess I'll be getting some bloodwork done.
I was gone from 7:30 AM to 8 PM today.  I feel bad leaving my kitties for 3 days and then I was gone all day today too.   I woke up to one of them puking, but I caught it on paper, and then the other one pooped on my bathroom rug...AGAIN!  Ugh. what is up with her.  Now I think she's going to poop everytime I don't have my eyes on her.

It's so gross and rainy out.  I have to walk to Charro's in the rain with all of my stuff in the morning.  Yuck!  Tonight I walked over the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade emblem on 34th street and would have taken a picture, but it was raining.  They're setting up for the parade.

I still have serious hunger issues going on. I am going to google tapeworms now.  I might vomit.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Good enough

Charro said today that she thinks my ED stems from me not thinking that I'm good enough.  Good enough for what, is the question?  I guess she's right, I never feel like I'm good enough, but does that mean I would not eat and want to be a stick because of that?  I don't know, maybe.  I never think I'm good enough, especially in sports.  I think I've written about this before, but who knows.  Even with all of the recognition and awards I got for sports, I still never felt/feel like I was good enough.  I always wanted to be better and believe that I should and could be better.

I still have this damn hunger situation going on.  I tried to explain it to Charro and she just thinks it's my ED talking.  It's really not.  It's some serious physical hunger.  I told her what I ate yesterday and she said, "That doesn't sound like a lot."  I said, "It is a ton for me, but it's not so much the amount of food it how my stomach feels.  It hurts because I'm so hungry and that's not normal."  She still didn't quite get it.

I'm drinking tea and now I'm hot.  I'll open my window.

I can't wait to go to bed.  I have to get up early and go to Long Island for work for the day.  I guess I'm not going to work out, which sucks because Tuesday is my running day.  I might have to go to the gym on Wednesday afternoon, which I usually don't do, but I can't take off two days in a row.  That's too crazy.

The other day Charro said I have a form of exercise bulimia.  I don't really agree with that.

Today she said that I'll always be skinny and have "an attractive, fit body."  I don't have an attractive body now.  Ha.

I don't know when I'm going to decorate for Christmas.  Hmmm.

Thanksgiving and EDs

I think I'm getting a cold. I'm fighting it off though.  I will win! :)

My sesh with Charro was fine.  We discussed Thanksgiving and EDs, ya know how that goes.  She said I have to be careful if I don't "freak out" as much as usual because then that might freak me out and cause me to go backwards.  I know what she means.  She said my walking is compulsive, but we've gone down that road many times before. 

Well, this is a boring post.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I told the lady I babysit for, who happens to be a doctor, how hungry, I mean starving, I have been over the past week.  She said that I should get my thyroid checked out.  That would make sense.  I have also been having heart palpitations, which I didn't know were a sign of hyperthyroidism, but now I do.  I don't think I have any other symptoms of that, but I'll keep my eyes open.  I should get a physical, but now is really not the time.  I'm busy.  Okay, that's an excuse, maybe I should make an appointment.  I'll probably wait this out to see what happens and I'll talk to Charro about it tomorrow.

My hip hurts.  I'm going to play field hockey because it's going to hurt regardless of what I do.  I made $50 babysitting for 90 minutes this morning. How fantastic is that??!  Awesome, I know.  I made $120 last night.  I love this babysitting gig. It's the best.

I can't help but think it would be sort of nice ot be able to eat whatever the hell I wanted and not gain a pound, if my thyroid was messed up. However, I don't really want to have a thyroid problem.  I could actually eat and lose weight, if that were the case.

Gotta get ready.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been absolutely starving for the past week.  It's an abnormal hunger.  My stomach will hurt because I'm so hungry and I don't get it.  I am not eating less by any means.  I'm probably eating more and I'm starving!  I woke up at 5:30 this morning and my stomach hurt because I was so hungry.  I had to get up and drink some milk.  I never do that.  What's going on?  Do I have a tape worm?  I just ate a big breakfast and I'm still starving.  WTH?  Grrr.  I've been having heart palpatations too.  Something weird is going on.

I need to get to the gym before the city of NY gets there and I can't get on a machine.

Friday, November 18, 2011

I've been WIFFED

I had WIF today.  I won't get weighed again for 2 weeks, which is very exciting.  Of course I'll probably weigh myself a few times before Charro weighs me again. I'm not supposed to, but I'm sure that I'll freak out and hop on the scale.  Charro would tell me that I have to not weigh myself and fight through that anxiety, but it's so much easier to just weigh myself and feel better or feel worse, at least I'll have an answer and know if I need to workout more and not eat or can just keep eating.  It's this horrific cycle, isn't it?  Maybe I should try harder to break it.

Today I was talking in this voice and Charro goes, "It sounds like you're doing pillow talk."  I thought that was pretty funny.  HA!

She didn't give me a hard time when she weighed me today.  I was 102 on her scale and she wants me to be 103 and I'm not allowed to go below 101, but I was in clothes, so I would have thought that she would have subtracted a few pounds and been more forceful about me gaining weight.  She just said, "Keep it going."  I think that's funny because I haven't gained any weight in a while and she keeps saying "keep it going."  At least she didn't tell me that I "have to gain."  I told her that I hate that and could she please say "gain weight" because I could take that as "gain wisdom, knowledge..."  LOL.  She said, "yeah, because I have you on this huge apparatus and I want you to gain wisdom."  LOL.

I'm sure I'm going to freak out on Thanksgiving.  I'll talk to Charro about that on Monday and Wednesday.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

WIF tomorrow

Well tomorrow is WIF, now isn't that thrilling?  I feel like I weigh 2000 lbs which might be a good thing for my weigh in because then Charro can't tell me that I need to gain weight.  I have to tell her how I hate when she says that I "have to gain" and that I would rather have her put the word "weight" at the end of it.  That sentence without the word weight is really annoying.  Maybe I'll weigh myself now.  As Charro would say, "Why not?"

I came home to cat shit on my bathroom carpet.  That's twice this week.  Awesome.  I know with little one did it too.  Hmm.  They're going to the vet next month.

I'm mad because I had to change  my hip appointment because of work.  Now I'm going two weeks later, which is really annoying because I was so anxious to go and find out what my deal was and if I need to have surgery.  Now I have to wait two more weeks to find out.  Argh.  I asked them to put me on the cancellation list, but who knows if that will happen.  Stink bombs!

I don't want to teach aerobics tonight.  Oh well.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A looong day

My day totally didn't turn out the way it was supposed to today, and it wasn't for the better, but it's okay.  It was what it was.

I'm home now and going to make my dad a birthday cake for his birthday tomorrow.

Yesterday I went running in the park and came home with a bloody toe, which I didn't know I had until I started taking off my nail polish and I felt the sting and then saw the blood.  Not sure why it was bleeding.  I iced my hip and took Ibuprofen after, it still hurts, but not a lot.

Charro and I agreed that we would do WIF every other week for now.  I think that's a good compromise.  Since she's leaving in Feb., I won't have many more WIFs left.  She's not going to be on Dec. 9th so I won't have WIF then either. :)  I'm sure she'll make it WIW though.  Who knows.

I weighed myself this morning.  Stupid scale!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


So Charro was sarcastically agreeing with me about something yesterday and her response to when I said whatever it was I said was, "Okey dokey smokaruni."  That's when I gave her a weird look and she said how that was "Lukas talk" (her son).  I laughed and said, "Well at least you made me Italian."  She comes up with some weird things sometimes, but it's always worth a good laugh.

Bye bye stoops

Bye bye stupid occupy Wall Street people.  You're outta here.  I hate stupid protesters.  So glad they got raided this morning and now aren't allowed to bring anything into the park.  Try sleeping outside when it's cold and rainy tomorrow.  Bye bye losers!

Charro called me something strange yesterday.  I don't remember what she called me, but I'll know when I listen to the tape.  It was funny.  I gave her a weird look and she realized that she did something weird.  I think she's just really comfortable with me, which is good, I'm glad she is.

I ran outside today, but nothing crazy, just around 4 miles.  I'm icing my hip and I just took Advil.  It's all good.

I think Charro and I will have to continue our discussion about getting weighed.  She's not going to weigh me until Friday, so no WIW tomorrow.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Worth watching

I just watched Diane Sawyer's interview with Congresswoman Gabby Giffords.  If you're on the west coast and happen to read this, watch it.  It's incredibly inspirational!!  If you missed it, I'm sure you can find it on the ABC website somewhere.

I'm hungry.  I didn't eat enough today, but it wasn't on purpose.  Now it's late and there's nothing that I'm really in the mood for. I just want to brush my teeth and go to bed, so that's probably what I'll do.  Ugh, I have to empty the litter box!

Not sure if WIW/WIF is really ending

I don't think this will be the end of WIW/WIF.  Charro said today, "We can make next week the last week."  I thought, hmm, she said that last week about this week.  I don't think it's really going to come to an end.  She says we can stop if I'll be honest with her, but if I don't weigh myself than I won't be lying or being honest.  I can't tell her my weight if I don't know it.  Like I've said before, she's going to weigh my randomly, which will totally suck, and I'm guessing that if I lose weight, she will start weighing me ever week again.  This is why I don't think WIW/WIF is really going to come to an end.  I'll talk more with her about that on Wednesday.

I had a good sesh today.  She said I seemed down or something today, like something was bothering me or something.  I said, "I do?"  She said, "Yes" and I don't remember what else she said about it. 

My hip was bothering me a lot today on my walk down there.  I need to get up and take some ibuprofen.  I just got home and came and sat down.  I should ice it too.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Penguin Palooza

I am slightly obsessed with Penguin Palooza on National Geographic Wild.  Been watching it all weekend.  I heart penguins.

(I have no idea why or how my title is a different color.  I didn't change anything.  Weird)

Rolls...not tootsie

I saw my fat rolls while I was teaching aerobics.  It made me want to vomit.  Ugh...fat rolls!  I need to hide myself in even baggier clothes for the rest of my life.

Baking fool

The pumpkin bread is in the over.  I made a cake yesterday and pumpkin bread this morning. I'm going to eat them all. Actually, I'm taking them to a party so they're not for me. 

I feel, and feel like I look 20 weeks pregnant.  I'm going to teach aerobics and play field hockey today, so I'll get a workout.  I can only play for an hour because I have to go to this party.  I don't think I'll really get sweaty so I'm just going to do a quick change, though I'm not sure where I'm going to do that, and head over there.  This should be interesting.  Maybe I'll pop some Advil before I play to reduce the inflammation in my hip.

I'm going to try, try I say, to not weigh myself until Friday, before I get weighed by Charro.  I hope she doesn't switch it and weigh me on Wednesday, but I don't think she will.  I still can't believe this is going to be our last scheduled WIF.  I know I'm going to freak out every Wednesday and Friday, wondering if she's just going to spot weigh me.  That might actually cause a problem for me because I'll end up weighing myself on Weds. and Fri. to make sure that I weigh enough in case she weighs me.  If I don't she's going to go back to weighing me all the time.  Either that or she'll just get so frustrated with me that she'll fire me.

I'm kind of nervous about what's going to happen when she goes on maternity leave.  I'll be seeing Steph, but still, it's not the same. I loved working with Steph when I did that study, and I know she's good, but this is going to be different.  Plus, I will only be seeing her once a week, which might be challenging because I don't know if I can really stick to the plan (Not so much a plan, but not weighing myself and not eating less and working out more).  It might be hard.  Oh well, it will be what it is.  It will be a hell of a lot harder if I have to have hip surgery.  Ugh...

My cats are sleeping so cutely (made up word) right now.  My little boy has his back paw on me.  He looks so content.

I'm starting to smell the pumpkin bread.  My apartment will smell yummy.  I bet the hallway smells yummy too.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Hungry, tired, aching hip

My hip is neither hungry nor tired, just aching.  I am hungry and tired.  I feel like I've been eating non-stop for the past two days, but most of what I've eaten has been fruits, veggies and other forms of fiber (beans and fiber one).  I'm thinking that at some point in time, hopefully while I'm in the comfort of my own apartment, it's going to make it's way out.  I'll feel like I've lost 5 pounds after that, which is always nice. 

I was planning on writing more but I all of a sudden got really tired so I'm going to go to bed.  I should finish up about my hip though.  I had to stand while I was babysitting because sitting was hurting, not so much hurting, my hip.  I was just really uncomfortable.  I just want to stretch the heck out of it but the doctor told me to avoid stretching it.  Ugh, less than a month until I see him.  Let's hope it doesn't get worse.  I need to see a doctor who is not a surgeon because my doc will just want to do surgery.  I'll have to go get a second opinion from a non-surgeon.

Bed time!
I'm going to go to the gym at 11 so I can watch The Closer.  I didn't get to go this morning because I was working.  I walked by the gym on my way back and it was pretty packed, so I'm hoping it's less packed when I go.  I hate Saturday mornings at my gym because you literally can't get on a machine.  I get there early enough so I don't have that problem, but people literally wait in line for machines, which I would find highly annoying and would not waste my time doing.  I thought about going for a run outside, for a very brief second, and then the wind blew and I decided that it is way too cold out for that.  Plus, that probably wouldn't be good for my hip.  Not that running on the treadmill is all that better, but I'm going to attempt that again today.  Yesterday I didn't last too long because my head was pounding so I moved over to the elliptical.  My hip still hurts but it's never not going to hurt so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing.

I started to think about what would happen if I had to have hip surgery and had a mini freakout inside.  I'm going to try not to think about that.  Ugh! 

I stayed off the scale last night.  I wanted to weigh myself but I didn't get on.  I also wanted to make myself puke yesterday afternoon because I got home from the gym and ate a bunch of crap, including some not so good pineapple and then felt disgusting, as in sick, not fat and disgusting.  I wanted to puke because I thought I'd feel better but I didn't because I don't think I should mess with that.  Plus,  I didn't feel well enough to drink all that water to help me do it.  Basically it was going to be used as a way to make me feel better physically and not mentally.  It wasn't an "I feel fat" feeling, it was a "I feel like I'm going to puke feeling so I want to just do it."  I took advil and laid on the couch for a little bit and both my headache and pukey feeling went away in time for my company to come over for dinner.

I guess that's my life in a nutshell, so thrilling, I know

I have to make sure my weight is the same or up on Friday so I can really have this be my last WIF.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hoses, running, bleeding and butts

I'm about to hit the gym.  I don't really feel like going.  I feel kind of gross.  I have a headache, my stomach feels weird, no energy, ya know, lovely female stuff.  I'm just waiting now, but I know it's coming.

I'm going to run a little, very little, like 2 miles, because my hip still hurts from running on Tuesday.  I think I overdid it on Tuesday.  I all of a sudden have tendonitis in my knee.  Whoops!  Then I'll hop on the elliptical.

Good news, I only have to stick my meds up my butt every other day now.  :)  Yay.  I have to call the doc in a month, and if things are going well, then I get to taper off to every three days.  I have to be symptom free though.  Hopefully that will be the case.

I hate not knowing when my uterus is going to start falling out.  I wish it was like clockwork, but that's never the case.  I'm usually 10 days late.

I all of a sudden feel like I have a scratch on my face.  Weird.

My new vacuum hose better come today because I really, really need to vacuum.  It's been 7 days.

One more WIF

Can it really be true?  Charro said that next Friday will be our last WIF.  I don't believe it.  I know she's still going to "spot" weigh me every now and then, which could be a little scary because it will catch me totally off guard.

I think that's it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I guess that's over with

I guess I'm not dating that guy anymore.  I haven't heard from him since the wedding I took him to almost two weeks ago.  Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.  I'm probably better off because he seemed to have a lot of baggage, ya know, ex-wife and a kid.  I'm not upset, a little disappointed that he just dropped off the face of the earth instead of telling me, "Hey, I've got too much going on right now," or "I'm not interested."  Whatever.  I told myself that if he didn't call tonight, then he's never going to call, so that's definitely it.

I am sort of cold but don't want to make tea.  I guess if it didn't require me getting up, I would do it.  Ha!  I'm thirsty.

My hip hurts.  Oh well.

CMAs and sticks

I watched the CMAs last night.  That was great for me, since most of the singers are two pounds.  They all look so skinny and it made me just not want to eat.  Blah!  I want to be stick thin like that.  It was a good show though.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


I did not have WIW today.
To that I say, hip hip hooray.
Now we'll have to wait for WIF.
Colder weather, more clothes, ain't that terrif.

My hip hurts from running yesterday, but not that badly.  I think the cortisone shot helped but I won't be getting anymore of those.  I haven't been in as much pain since I got the shot, and it's definitely worn off by now because I got it two months ago.

I really don't know why Charro has to weigh me every week.  What does she thinks going to happen in a weeks time?  I really don't know.

The weather is still gorg out.  Tomorrow it won't be.  I will enjoy today. 

I really need some sort of waterproof boot and rainboots give me blisters, so those are out of the question.  I tried on a really comfy pair of boots the other day, but they were too big and it as the smallest size they make. Bummer.  So I shall keep looking.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Perfect park day

It was so beautiful today.  I went to the park and ran.  I had high aspirations, which didn't really happen.  I had planned on running two laps in this one area, but by the time I got there (1.4 miles), I was already tired. Haha.  So I thought, Okay, I'll just run one lap around and then run back home.  That will be almost 4.5 miles.  So I ran the first lap and was dying.  I went up to the Reservoir to get a drink of water and decided that I would run a little bit of that and then cut out and head home.  I guess I was more warmed up by that time and decided to run the whole loop, it's only 1.55 miles.  Then I thought, I'll just walk the rest of the park and then walk home.  Well, then I decided to run to the outside of the park and then walk home.  Well, I never ended up walking, I just ran the whole way, which was good.  The weather was PERFECTO!!!  So, I was wiped after, but I felt good.  It was a little under 6 miles, the longest I've run outside in a long time.  My hip doesn't feel so great, but I'm icing it and I took an Ibuprofen.  I read the directions and it said to just take one.  Whoops, I've been taking two.  No wonder why the pain went away for a good 24 hours last time I took them.  :)


I'm not sure what it's going to be this week.  Charro said she'll just weigh me when she feels like it and switch it up.  I think that might make me nervous.  I don't know if I'll like this so I may have to just go back to picking a day and having her do it on that day.  I'll be ready for WIW, in case she weighs me tomorrow.  If she doesn't weigh me tomorrow, I know she's going to weigh me on Friday. That makes it easy.

I'll get weighed on Thursday, when I go to the doctor.  I don't mind that.  The funny thing is that I try to weigh as little as possible when I go to the doctor, but try to weigh more when I get weighed by Charro.  None of my docs know about my ED, so I don't worry about getting weighed by them. 

This is what Charro said to me yesterday, after I said, "I don't care what day you weigh me.  I don't care if I'm down or up."  (Okay, I care if I'm up).  She said, "Well you have to be up.  You just have to start eating more, and consistently, and not working out as much. Can you just do that please?  And then your brain will follow. I assure you, and then you will have a better life."  I liked that statement, it was like she knew what she was talking about. ;)

It's a beautiful morning

We're having beautiful weather lately.  It's going to come to an end after tomorrow, which is a sad thing.  I'm going to get out and enjoy it today though.  I'm going to go for a run in the park.  This will be my first run in the park in a long time.  Let's see how it goes.  Hopefully I won't get too bored or die.  My problem is that I don't pace myself and I run too fast and then I don't feel like running anymore.  It's nice out!  YAY!!

My vacuum broke.  You know how I love vacuuming, so I hope my new piece comes today.  That would be fantastic!!  The hose broke in half and I was vacuuming with the hand part and was wondering why it wasn't sucking anything up and why it felt so light.  Then I looked back and saw that the hose was not connected because it broke in half.  I taped it back together.  Ha!

So I shall run.  I shall buckle down and do lots of work today.  I shall attend a work meeting later in the day.  That's it folks.

Good news, my cat hasn't puked yet today, but the day is young.  He's puked the past two mornings.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Talking TT

I had a good sesh with Charro.   I told her all about TT (My friend who was here this weekend) and she was kind of surprised by everything.  She said that it seemed like I handled myself well and that I said some very wise things.  I also told her how TT told me how she didn't think that I had an eating disorder and how she said that what I do "seems pretty normal."  Charro didn't like that, nor did I.  We both discussed that some more and agreed on what we had said, which I can't really remember right now.  She was pretty shocked that TT is a therapist.  She said something about her not being a good one, or something.  Oh yeah, Charro said that I'd make a good therapist.  LOL!!!  I cracked up, but she was kind of serious.  She said I could work with ED people when I'm all recovered.  Um, no thanks!  Like I'd ever want to deal with people like me.  Ha.

Charro came out to get me and the first thing she did was tell me how hot it was in her office.  She was so funny.  She was going on and on about it, probably because she complains about it all of the time and I complain about (as does she) how cold it is in the summer with the AC.  She kept turning the fan on, which was right next to her head, too.  I told her that I thought she was so hot because she was pregnant.  It was hot in there, but then the AC kicked on and that help but she was still hot. Oh yeah, and the sun was beaming in so we shut the blinds and then it was pretty dark and kind of funny.  It was just strange in that office today.

It felt really good to talk to her about all of the TT (my friend) stuff though.
I guess I should get my day started.  I don't really feel like it.

My cat puked everywhere this morning.  He puked yesterday too.  I don't know what's wrong with him.  Then, he tries to lick my fingers after.  Um, NO!

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Talk about disordered

My friend just left.  She is so freaking eating disordered, it's not even funny.  I did not know this going into her visit.  I can't even begin to explain.  She has to bring her own yogurt and apple with her and she won't eat anything else.  She freaked out (not with me, but she told me this) when she was at work and was starving and sucked on a mint.  She's passing this all down to her daughter and doesn't realize any of it.  I tried so hard to make her see it but she does thinks she's "being healthy."  She's definitely so far from "being healthy" that it's not even funny.  And no, I'm not jealous of her for starving herself.  Her argument is that she's not underweight at all.  My argument is that she's lost like 40 pounds in 8 months and restricts the way she does.  She will eventually be underweight.  Whatever.  I'm just glad she's gone so I don't really have to think about it.  I'm going to go to the gym, take a nap and then babysit.  That's my day.