Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve...

Probably one of the most overrated nights of the year.  Well, I take that back, it IS the MOST overrated night of the year.  I've never been a fan of NYE.  Too many drunk people, too cold outside, and everything is way overpriced.  So, what do I do?  I stay inside and invite people over to my place so I don't have to go anywhere. ;)  Tonight, a few peeps are coming over for a "pot luck" and I told them to dress comfy, pjs if they want to.  I will be in my fleece jammie pants.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I kept waking up.  I'm not sure if it was because I was anxious to weigh myself or what.  I weighed myself and I was happy with the number.  I know it's bad that now I don't want it to go up.  I get that.  I don't weigh 93 lbs, like my Wii Fit suggested so there is no need for any freakouts.  If I did weigh 93 pounds, Charro would definitely notice on Monday when I see her.  All is good.

I should get dressed so I can walk to Target and check out what they have.  I got some really cool Christmas night lights when I was home the other day.  I love them!!  They were only $2.50.  Love that!

I can't wait to see Charro on Monday.  SOOOO much to talk about.  I like to go in chronological order, so I'll breeze through everything and then we can go back and discuss.  I like to get it all out there.

Ha, I am watching the news and they were doing a live report from Time Sq, and some moron was yelling "Ba ba booey" during the entire live shot.  Well, the reporter cut the report short and then shot the guy a very dirty look, all caught on live TV, by the way.  Ha, gotta love that.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Let the clean-up begin

I'm back in my apartment.  Was a whirlwindy type day.  Woke up and drove back.  My parents literally just dropped me off because there was no where to park with all the cars and snow on the street.  I changed and went for my MRI.  Then I went to the store, met my friend and her mom in the hall on my way back in and they invited me to join them for lunch, went to lunch, came back and started unpacking.  Now I have crap to put away, cleaning to do and cooking to do since I'm having people over tomorrow.  I was supposed to be back her on Tuesday, which would have allowed me a little more time to get organized.  Now I'm off to the gym to teach class.  Then I will come back and shower, maybe clean a little and then go to bed.

I can't wait to wake up and weigh myself tomorrow.  I'm hoping it's good.  I'll be bummed if it's not.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Using the Wii

Since I'm not supposed to weigh myself, I resorted to getting on the Wii Fit.  I didn't even play any games, just got on the thing so it could weigh me.  Now, I don't even know how accurate it is, and I'm guessing it's not too accurate because it had me weighing 93 pounds.  I know I don't weigh 93 pounds.  So, I guess I cheated with the weighing thing, though I didn't step on the scale.

I'm finally heading back to NY tomorrow.  I get back and have my MRI.  Hopefully they take me on time and stuff.  Getting my cats in the carrier is going to be stressful and very difficult!

I've been restricting a little bit, but that's okay. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Handsome man is home

I picked up my little guy from the vet a little bit ago.  They took off his bandage and blood spewed everywhere.  They showed me how to give him his IV, yep, not even a shot...a freaking IV.  I have to hold him down, which is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE and then stick this needle in him for 3 minutes or so and pump the IV fluids in.  I have to do this every week.  HELP!!  I was freaking out when they were showing me how to do this.  I stuck him with the needle and that doesn't hurt, it's just trying to get him to stay still.  It's impossible.  More stress.  Love it!  I feel so bad for him.  Good news is that his levels are all back to normal.

K, I need to go do things.  I don't have to eat dinner tonight or tomorrow.  Yay!

Couped up

I'm waiting for the vet to call to find out when I can go pick up my little guy.  She said she'd call between 8-9 and it's almost 9 so where is she?  She'll call, but I'd like to go to the gym soon. 

Since I'm not going back to NYC today I'll go to Walmart and to the grocery store and get some things.  The streets are a mess and are apparently a mess in NYC as well.  Hopefully by Thursday they will be a bit better. 

I feel like I'm gaining a million pounds and I'm not liking it one bit.  It doesn't help that I have to eat meals all of the time with my parents.  They're always like, "What do you want to eat?"  They ask a million times.

Okay, can the doc call me now so I can get out of here.  I've been couped up since Sunday.  I need to workout.

Monday, December 27, 2010

So much for the handshake

Charro and I shook on it...I would only weigh myself last Friday and this Friday. Well, I weighed myself today so I totally broke our shake and I don't know how she'll take that.  I let her down, lost her trust, I don't know what else.  I had to do it.  I weigh less than I did before, but more than I did on Friday, so I don't like that.  It's bad that the lower number is now what I want when I know I shouldn't want it.  That's what happens.  I didn't even try for that low number. 

It's cold out.  I went to shovel and I was dying.  I have to do it in increments because it's too much snow to try and shovel.  My wrists are tired and my back will surely be sore.

I was supposed to go home tomorrow morning for my MRI but I can't pick up my cat from the vet until tomorrow.  He needs another day of IV in order to bring down his creatnine levels.  They are almost back to normal.  Poor little guy.  I feel so bad for him.  :(  T. misses him and is wandering around the house meowing.  :(

So, I've rescheduled my MRI and will have that done on Thursday.  Not sure when I will get back to the city.  Definitely by Thursday, that's for sure.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

And the snow falls

It's snowing...and it's supposed to snow a lot.  We have a blizzard warning and might get up to 18 inches of snow.  I will take pretty pictures.


I had to drop LB off at the vet this morning. :(  He was pissed at me, that's for sure.  The doctor said that she thinks he'll only have to stay one night, but I'm not getting my hopes up.  It killed me to take him off of my bed this morning and stick him in the carrier.  He was so happy sleeping on my bed.  He's going to hate me now.  I have to trap them both again on Tuesday to take them back to NYC.  They are really going to hate me.  The doc said she'll call me in the morning and let me know what the deal is.  I should hear from her by 9 AM.

I just went out and shoveled the driveway...round one.  I'll probably have to go out there 2-3 more times before the night is over.  I like to beat the snowplow man to it so I get the exercise and my rents don't have to pay for the plowman. :)  I just like the extra calorie burn, let's be honest.

I might take a little nap now.  My poor kitty is so lonely.  Actually, I don't know if she's happy to be here alone or if she is lonely.

I really want to weigh myself, by the way...again.

Oh yeah, I hurt my neck playing my new Wii game.  Ha!  I just tweaked if funny.  I was down on all fours playing this game (it has a power pad type thing that you run one) and I had to look up while using my hands and I pulled my neck funny.  Yep, dork!

I miss my little guy.  Poor guy is tied up in a little cage with an IV in his arm.  It makes me so sad. :(

I think it's back

I'm pretty sure that I've gained all the weight that I had lost back.  I had to eat so much food yesterday and Christmas Eve and I really, really, really want to weigh myself but I promised Charro that I wouldn't.  We shook on it.  Ugh!  I really need to know what I weigh though.  I really feel like I've gained a ton of weight.  I hate that feeling.  I also hate not being able to confirm or deny my feelings.

I have to drop my little guy off in and hour. :(  I'm very sad about that. Poor guy.  :(

I am so sick of sticking medicine up my ass too, just thought I'd throw that in.  I still have to do it for a while too and I hate that.  I count down the days, but then it doesn't make it any better at all!!

I have to get ready to go to the gym, after I drop the little guy off.  I have to eat breakfast, though I don't want to because I'm not hungry.  I hate when I am required to eat in order to take my meds.  That's not cool.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It's Christmas day

I know it's Christmas and all, and so far it's been a great day.  My parents and I opened our gifts and I got everything that I wanted/needed, which included a new watch, because mine is a million years old, scratched up, the battery keeps dying, and it gets steam inside sometimes.  I also got a new bluetooth because mine stinks and I can't use it so I've been having to put my phone on speaker while I drive, which isn't great.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the entire day with all of this food.  I wouldn't have eaten breakfast, but I had to take my medicine.  I wasn't hungry but I have to take my medicine in the morning and I have to take it with food.  That stinks.  We still have all of out appetizers to eat and then our 20 course dinner.  Ugh!  Lord help me.  I am not supposed to weigh myself until Friday but I might weigh myself before I leave here on Tuesday.

I'm bringing my little guy into the vet tomorrow for a day or two.  They don't know how long he'll have to stay yet. :(  Poor guy.  He slept on my back for a bit last night and then came back up after breakfast and curled up next to me.  He loves me.  The little one came and sat on my chest, like she does every morning.

I think my knee hurts a little today.  I am getting my MRI on Tuesday.  I should have made it later in the day, but I wasn't thinking and my cat being in the hospital wasn't in the cards either.

So, that's it.  I'm sure I'll write later when I'm feeling disgusting and huge and stuff.  Funny how I "need" to gain weight but I don't know how I'm going to deal with doing that.  I wonder if I will stay at 95 lbs and if Charro will notice.

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU GUYS!!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

This might be bad

I just weighed myself, legally, I might add.  It was officially the lowest number that I've seen since high school.  I am not trying to lose weight and if I weigh what I weigh come January 3, when Charro is back, I'm going to be in serious trouble.  I'm sure she will notice.  I've lost about 5 pounds over the past 4-6 weeks.  I think stress and my colonoscopy is probably to blame for this.  I am seriously not avoiding food, I don't think.  Maybe a little bit, but I don't know.  I fear that my cousin, who I haven't seen in a long time, will comment on my weightloss tonight.  Way to ruin (well, not "ruin") Christmas Eve because everyone will hear it and it will be awkward and my parents will be concerned, more so than they probably already are, and it will just suck. 

Seriously, if Charro knew I weigh 95 pounds right now, she would, without a doubt, fire me.  That would suck.  I am pretty positive that I will gain a couple of pounds over the next few days, so I will probably be okay, but we shall see.  I'll be around more food than one can imagine and my parents keep making sure that there will be plenty of food that I like.  I don't want them to worry,

I will also be weighing myself on a different scale on Friday and that one always weighs me in higher, so I will probably be more out of the woods with all of this.  I do wonder if she would notice the weightloss though.  It's hard to say because it's not that much, but I will have not seen her for two weeks so she might, if it stays off that is.

Okay, I need to get ready for the gym but I'm freezing.  I just took my pills.  I am not a 90 year old woman!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'd like to sleep tonight

I'm tired.  Needless to say, I have not slept well in a while.  I spoke to my vet this morning and I am bringing my little boy in on Sunday for a day or two.  He will receive IV fluids so his kidneys will hopefully get flushed out.  Hopefully this will help for a while.  I might have to give him shots once a week, which will be virtually impossible because he doesn't even let me hold him.  I also have to change the food they eat, and of course the food I have to give him is really expensive.  Awesome.  I wish he and I could reach our deductibles together.


Some of you are very curious about this dumb medicine I have to stick up my butt.  It's not fun, but it's getting easier.  I really just hate doing it and it skeeves me out all of the time.  I got these little finger condoms to wear while I do it.  They are medicine so they do not make me doody. 


I made some more pretzels today.  I'll take a picture and post it.  I have to make sauce for the baked stuffed shells that I'm making tomorrow.  I think I need a nap. 


I can weigh myself tomorrow.  I am afraid of what I will weigh.  I didn't weigh as little as I thought I would on Monday morning, but that's okay.  I must admit, I was a little disappointed, but I know it's good too.


I've emailed Charro to tell her what's going on, like she asked, and I heard back from here as I was writing this.  She said, "I am sending my support and I hope I can continue to be a support to you going forward as you manage all this," which I thought was funny because does she think I'm going to quit?  Ha!  Of course she can continue to support me.

So, I am doing laundry and going to bed, after I shove another one of those meds up my ass.  I got little finger condoms though, so that makes it a little better.  It's never really a good thing.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Talk about getting shit on

The vet just called to tell me that my cat is in the early stages of kidney failure.  Can things get any worse right now?  Besides being upset about my cat being sick, now I have even more bills that I'm going to have to pay.  He's going to go to the hospital and stay over night for a night or two.  My poor Mr. Buggles. :( 

My life really just sucks a big freaking ass right now.  Stupid suppositories suck ass.  This morning the stupid thing fell out of my ass.  (Way too much info for everything).  I just want to shrivel up right now.

I have my office Christmas party in 45 min.  Ugh!

And I lost it

I had a mental breakdown last night, my style.  I went up to go to bed and laid on the bathroom floor for an hour, curled up in a little ball, trying to get the courage to stick this stupid thing up my ass.  My mom came up stairs and said, "Did you do it?"  I said, "No, I can't."  "You tried and you couldn't?"  "No, I didn't try.  I can't to it."  "Oh, grow up." 

"Oh, grow up" was her response.  That did NOT help me at all.  Where's the sympathy?  That upset me.  Then I crawled into be and she called from her bed, "Are you okay?"  "Yes."  "Are you sure?"  "Yes."  "You don't sound okay.  I'm coming to check on you."  She came in and I was pretty much hiding under my covers.  She asked again if I was okay and I said yes.  I was not okay!  I was (am) a mess.  Oh well.

I feel like a loser talking about me and this all of the time on here.  I guess it's my blog and this is why I have it, but if I were you guys reading, I would think the same thing my mom said and though. :(

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The meds issue...and cats

I went to CVS today and they will only give me a one month supply of the drug.  That's all that the insurance company will authorize.  So, here's the deal.  The drug will cost me the full price, about 800 dollars a month, until I reach my $2,500 deductible.  After that I am not sure what happens...a co-pay maybe.  So, that's that deal.  I picked up a month today for 25 bucks and I also got a free month supply from the doctor's office today when I went to go pick up the coupon.  So, that's the deal with that.  I have to take 4 pills in the morning.  Awesome.  Side effects are:
•headache
•muscle or joint pain, aching, tightness or stiffness
•back pain
•nausea
•vomiting
•heartburn
•burping
•constipation
•gas
•dry mouth
•sore throat
•cough
•flu-like symptoms
•stuffy head or runny nose
•ear pain
•anxiety
•sweating
•hemorrhoids
•pain in the rectum
•difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
•acne
•slight hair loss

At least it only cost me 25 bucks to get those.  Hopefully I won't have any side effects.  Yay.  Night one of suppositories tonight.  I might die!

I took my cats to the vet today, which is always stressful.  Trying to get them in the crate is THE WORST!  My vet is 5 minutes from my house.  I had them in the front seat with me so I could have my hand in the crate.  Well, I reached my hand in there and they had peed.  It was soaked.  Pee everywhere and on them and a little on my car seat.  I must say, cat pee is the WORST smell ever.  The vet cleaned them up a bit.  They've never done that before.   No water for them before we go back to my apartment next week!  Ugh, cat pee.  I felt so bad for them and the vet.  I love my doc there.  She's the best!!

Stress didn't go away

I thought the stress would be gone after this whole procedure was over with.  Well, it's not.  Now I'm stressing about the whole medication situation.  First, the whole suppository thing just freaks me out.  I know I've said that already.  I'll obviously get used to doing it after I get past a few things and do it a few times.  It will become second nature.  Then there is the other med situation...cost and side effects.  Ugh!  I don't know what I'm going to do.

I woke up at 5:30 AM, so I'm clearing not sleeping well.

The whole not eating for over 40 hours messed with me a little.  I didn't think it would, but it did.  Last night, I found myself a little scared to eat.  Then, I got hungry a bit later and thought, well, I was hungry/starving on and off for the past two days and I survived.  I know I don't have to eat because I know I can get past feeling hungry.  Yep, not something Charro wants to hear, that's for sure.  She won't hear it, at least not for a few weeks, since she's home in Italy.  ("Home" in Italy.  I wish I could say Italy was my home.  So cool).

I think my cats really like being home, in my house.  They have so many more places to run around and hide and sleep in.  I think they are much less bored here.  Plus there are other people to distract them.  I think they really like coming home, minus the car ride.  They are NOT going to like going to the vet today though. More stress for everyone!

I got so many comments on my size at the hospital yesterday.  The anesthesiologist made some comments about how tiny I am.   The nurse did as well and couldn't find a gown that fit me.  Then, when I told my doctor that I "don't eat a lot of fat."  He said, "I can tell.  You don't have anything extra on you."  That was me trying to say that I have an ED.  Oh well, he didn't get it.

Oh, I started beeping too.  My heart rate dropped too low and I beeped.  They think it was because I was dehydrated so they pumped up the IV a bit.  My hand was FREEZING!!  My heart rate was 40 when the machine started beeping.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The meds

The medicine my doctor prescribed for me is, as he said, "expensive."  Well, I checked out what that meant, and according to CVS, the amount of pills I need (360) costs...ready for this...$2,300!!!  I am supposed to take four pills a day.  So, not only does it cost more than my rent, it also has horrible side effects.  My dad doesn't want me to take it.

It's over

I'm back home.  I got home about an hour ago.  I was taken in for my procedure late.  It was weird because I didn't think it was going to be a real hospital with all hospital stuff, like me having to lay on a gurney, but it was like a real surgical process.  Weird!!

Anyway, I woke up mid procedure, probably because I told the anesthesiologist that I was a light weight.  I said, "Am I supposed to be awake?" and the doctor said, "No, give her more..."  then I was asleep again.

Here's the diagnosis, ulcerative colitis,  I have to take some very expensive pills four times a day, possibly for the rest of my life.  That's the easy part.  Here's the gross part, I have to stick suppositories up my butt twice a day for the next month and then once a day after that for I don't know how long. FREAKED OUT about that one.

So, that's that.  I have to go back and see him in a month and get more blood work done.  He wants to see if I have Crohn's.  He said "On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst, your colitis is a 1."  That is good news.

I got home and had a piece of toast.  I'm full.  I don't know how I'm supposed to eat dinner because I'm not hungry.  I was SOOOO thirsty this morning and I couldn't drink anything.
Thanks for thinking of my, guys!

Almost time

Scared, nervous, thirsty, tired and hungry.  That's what I am right now.  I'm leaving soon.  I'm really scared to get the results...I don't want to know what's wrong.

I almost puked drinking that stuff.  It is the WORST (I can't even begin to really describe how bad it is) stuff.  I never want anything lemon again.  It tasted like lemon, salted, thick something.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A near breakdown

I got home from NYC, picked up my car on the way, drove to my house, dropped my cats off and went to CVS to get my lovely laxative drink.  (It tastes AWFUL, by the way).  Well, I went up to the pharmacy counter, handed the guy my paper and he said, "You need a prescription."  I said, "Can you see if they called it in."  (They were supposed to).  He said, "No, and you can't get it without a prescription."  I asked if he could call the doctor and he said no, that they wouldn't be in.  So, I nearly had a mental breakdown right there in CVS.  Of course I ran into some guy who I know from my gym and haven't seen in a about a year.  I was so NOT in the mood  to talk to anyway.  Seriously, I was so beyond pissed off because I was not not having this done tomorrow.

So, my mom called the doctor's office and spoke to the answering service, who spoke to a doctor and called it in.  THANK GOD!!  I only had an hour to spare before I had to start drinking this crap...so I can crap.

Let me tell you, this stuff is NASTY!!  I don't know how I'm going to drink another 32 ounces of it in 75 minutes.  I might throw up. 

I was starving earlier today and then I got to the point where I wasn't hungry and food didn't interest me.  I sat at the table with my parents as they ate their nice dinner.  I had NO interest in the food.  NONE!  I thought, oh, this could get easy.  Right now, I am back at wanting food.  I can't wait to eat tomorrow, but that might change.

I really just want to wake up and get these results and know what the heck is going on with me.  I am scared!!  I'm supposed to tell the doctor that I have an ED, but I don't want to.  I don't know if I'll get a chance to or not, I may be doped up when I see him.

Wish me luck...I hope it's nothing really bad!

Tea, tea, and more tea

Tea...that's my life story today.  I'm hungry and I can't eat, not a great feeling.  I guess it's a bit different when you are hungry and choose not to eat, though I don't think I've done that since high school.  These days, I eat when I am hungry.  I don't like feeling hungry and I get stupid and a headache, and my body needs food, so I want to eat.  Yeah, I know, I don't eat enough, but I want to eat now and I can't.

So, I'm drinking tea.  I'll pick up a Gatorade, or something with some calories on my way to teach.  Maybe my mom made me some jello, I think I am allowed to eat that and Popsicles and clear broth.  I ate some serious pizza last night.  It was my last supper.

By the way, still completely freaking out.  I am NOT looking forward to the prep work tonight.  The sheet says that you should have extra soft Charmin toilet paper and Tucks medicated pads because the ass gets really sore and raw.  I think it's going to be like how your nose gets so raw when you have to keep blowing it, and it gets all red.  This is going to be fun!!  Ugh.  Just let me get through this and not have anything seriously wrong me with...PLEASE!!  It's so scary to know that there is something wrong and I may not know what it is for another 2 weeks. 

So, I told Charro I would try the salted caramel hot chocolate from Starbucks.  I got a free drink card from them for my birthday, so I told her I was going to try it.  She told me that she wanted me to email her and tell her all about it, in detail.  So, yesterday my friend and I went and both got one.  We got back to her apartment and I tasted mine and said, "Ew, this is gross."  She goes, "Yeah right."  She thought I didn't want to drink it because of the calories.  I said, "No, it's really gross.  Taste it."  So she did and said, "This doesn't taste anything like mine.  What did you order?"  I told her that I ordered the same thing, but she thought mine was gross too.  She offered to share hers, but I declined.  I didn't want to take it away from her.  Little did I know, she didn't find it that fantastic either.  I never go to Starbucks, and now I will definitely never get that again.

So, that's that.  I'll probably blog more today, but who knows.  My cats and I are heading home after class, then I need to go get cat litter and dry food and pick up the crap that I need to drink so I can crap all night.  Awesome!  So, from about 5:30 PM on, I will pretty much spend my life in the bathroom.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

How could I forget this??

I'm freaking out about my colonoscopy.  Well, I'm freaking out more about what's wrong with me and why I'm bleeding more and (again) what's wrong with me?!?!  I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 48 hours.  No food after midnight tomorrow.  Teaching aerobics will be awesome tomorrow morning.  Charro's gone, I can't freak out to her.  She did say that I can always email her because she feels like that's non-invasive (my word, not hers).  I won't email her and freak out, because what's the point?  I don't want her to email me back, though I don't think she would, because she's in Italy with her family.  I'm sure she hasn't seen them in a while and there is no way that I'm going to email her and take her away from her family for a few minutes.  So, I'll just freak out!!!

It so doesn't help (girl stuff coming, David), that I was supposed to get my period last week and I didn't get it and I'm totally afraid that I'm going to get it today and then have that going on on Monday while I'm having some foreign objects up my butt.  Yes, different holes, I know, but still...do I really need that on top of everything else??  NO!

How dare I forgot the funniest thing Charro said during our sesh yesterday.  She said that we are both "Laverne and Shirley" fans so we need to come up for a new name for "Carmine" because "Carmine" is too good a figure.  (character on L&S).  So I said, "Cecil" and she said, "Cecil is kind of evil.  We need an evil name."  Then there was a long pause and she goes, "I was about to say something...x-rated."  So I said, "Say it" and she wouldn't so I kept saying it and she said "No, I'm not saying it," while laughing.  I finally said, "I'm not reading until you say it," so she finally said, "dickwad."  I can't believe she said that.  She was laughing the whole time we were arguing about her telling me what she thought.  Then she goes, "It wasn't that bad."  Go Charro...coming up with the "dirty" words.  Ha!

I'll guess I'll eat breakfast for the last time until Tuesday morning.  This whole not eating thing tomorrow could cause a whole new slew of problems.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Buon viaggio, Charro

I had a good sesh with Charro today.  We talked about Monday.  We talked about the book that she lent me and brought back to her today.  I had made some notes so we started going over them.  We ran out of time and will continue with that when she gets back.  She gave me a workbook to do while she's gone, though I can't write in it.  She said she wants me to focus on my "relationship with food" and "relationship with exercise" chapters.  Will do!  She made me shake with her that I'd only weigh myself next Friday and the Friday after.  I didn't shake for a while and then I did.  I shouldn't have because I know I'm going to weigh myself on Monday morning, which she and I both know is very disordered.  Oh well. 

I wore my ugly Christmas sweater for her and she wore her wrist warmers for me.  I brought her some pretzels and she was excited to have something to eat on the plane.  I told her I'll be freaking out next week and am afraid that I'm going to have to have surgery.  I'll email her on Monday when I find something out. I hope it's something simple and resolvable, but I have my doubts. :(

I'm baking gingerbread cookies.  They are going to be in the shape of palm trees because that's the only cookie cutter I have. 

I think I cut one of my toenails too short.

Yay for a later appt.

I got to sleep in a little this morning, though it's not like I actually did.  Charro asked if I could see her an hour later.  My response, "YES!!" 

I just weighed myself.  It's the lowest it's been and that scares me a little because know it's going to get lower over the next couple of days.  I can't tell Charro, she will kill me.  Well, not "kill" but you know, I may have to go back to Kruger.  NEVER! 

I'm afraid I'm going to go home and people will notice that I've lost weight.  It's not because I'm trying to.   I swear that I'm not trying to.  I really think it has something to do with my GI problems.  I'm scared that something is going to be really wrong with me.  Am I really losing weight because of GI issues or because of this??  I actually would hope it wasn't the GI issues causing the weightloss because that means there's something really wrong with me.  I also know that I'm not intentionally restricting.  I guess I need to eat a lot over the next two days.  I don't want to run into all these people I know from my hometown and have them all commenting on my weight, because it does happen....at the gym, the grocery store, walmart.  Fun.

I guess I should brush my teeth and get ready to go.  It's too freaking cold out again.  It's going to be a balmy 40 degrees tomorrow.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Don't want to go outside

I absolutely dread going back outside, but I have to.  It's so cold out and I don't feel walking to the gym and back for the second time today.  (No, I'm not overexercising, I'm teaching class). 

I've scheduled a MRI for my knee.  That will take place after Christmas.  They could have done it this Sunday but I will not be around.  I'll be too busy not eating and then drinking some disgusting fluid so I can poop my brains out.  I can't wait to weigh myself Monday morning so see what the scale says.  I might freak (good and bad) if it says 94 or something.  Not sure if that will be good for me or not.  I should probably NOT weigh myself at all, but curiosity will get the best of me and I will hop on good ole Bertha.

My cats are sleeping and look so cute.  One his right here behind me, so I can give him kisses without having to move.

I'm sad that I won't see Charro for two weeks, especially with everything that's going on.  At least I will be busy with Christmas and stuff.  It makes going home a lot easier because I won't have any scheduling issues.  I just hope I'm not completely freaking out on Monday, and all of next week, after I find out what's wrong with me.  I just want Monday to be over with.

I guess I should get dressed and maybe eat some dinner.  I don't know if I'm all that hungry right now but I won't have time to eat after class.  Oh well.

End of productivity...for now

I woke up at 5:33 to teach aerobics.  I walked to the gym in the 17 degree weather...now that was fun.  Walking the mile back was even better because the wind was blowing in my face.  Awesome.

I came up and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned.  Then I did the rest of my Christmas pretzels, cleaned some more because two friends were supposed to come over at 1 PM.  Well, both canceled within 20 minutes of each other, so now I have the whole afternoon to do nothing.  Maybe I'll take a nap since I have to teach again tonight and am then going downstairs to hang out with this guy I met at our building party.  No, it's not a date.  I think he might be gay, but I'm not sure.

I can't wait to venture out into the bitter weather again later.  Ugh!!  I hate the cold.  I think I'll pack up all of my pretzels in their little Christmas baggies so I can give them away.

Charro tomorrow.  She will get her pretzels...IF she wears her wrist warmers.  I told her she needs to wear them in order to get pretzels.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The ethical charade chat

So here's the real conversation that Charro and I had on Monday, though it was mostly her talking and not so much me.  I like this for my own records.

Like are you really not eating dinner or something?  What are you doing?  So what's the problem with eating dinner with your parents.  You're restricting.  It's bullshit, Palm, I mean come on, what are you doing?  I didn't even have a coke.  What are you doing?  It's really, really stupid.  I'm just there to tell you.  Why are you restricting?  What is the deal?  You've gotta think about what you want here.  I don't feel ethically comfortable with continuing this little charade."

"You're not letting me talk."

"I know.  I'm talking!"

"Okay."

"Okay, now you talk."

"I don't want to talk."

"Oh no!"


One more sesh until the new year.  :(  Not good timing with the whole butt thing.  Maybe I should go see Kruger.  HA!  NEVER!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Not ethically comfy

Charro went on a little rant yesterday and I just love when she does that.  I can't remember what the first one was about, but whenever she goes off she always ends by saying, "And I didn't even have a coke."  (Let me explain that one:  One time she was going crazy on me and she said that she had just had a coca-cola, so now everytime she goes off on a big, feisty, tell it like it is rant she finishes with "I didn't even have a coke."  It's funny).  So, I'll have to listen to our sesh to remember what that one was all about.  I think it might have been about restricting.  I told her how I wasn't looking forward to having to eat dinner with my parents all next week.  She said something like, "So what's going on?  You're not eating dinner?  What is going on with all this restriction bullshit?"  That might have been it...exact quotes to follow maybe tomorrow.  Then she kept going on and on and I wasn't able to get a word in edge wise.  I kept trying to speak but she kept talking and finally I said, "Can I talk?"  She said, "No, I am talking."  Then she said, "Okay, I'm done, you can talk now."  Then I said, "I don't feel like talking now."  (I was kidding).   She goes, "Oh no!!!"

Then she said, "I don't feel ethically comfortable continuing with these shenanigans."  I thought I was going to get fired, but I think she meant that she doesn't feel ethically comfortable not calling me out on things and just letting them go.  I'm okay with that, and I hope that's what she meant. 

So, that was my sesh yesterday.  It was a good one.  I only see her two more times until next year.  She's leaving for Italy on Friday.  She asked me when she was going to get the caramel covered, chocolate coated pretzels that I make.  Ha.  I told her that I would give her some on Friday.  Her response, "Ooh, I can eat them on the plane."

I love working with Charro.  She gets me...most of the time.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Tip of the tongue

I burnt my tongue on tea.  Hate that.

I think I'm watching an informercial on country music love songs.  Ha.  I didn't think it was going to be an informercial, but it sure as hell looks as though it is.  Oh well, I'm going to bed soon anyway.  I can not last too long on this channel, and I love country music.  Dolly Parton cracks me up.

I guess I'll go brush my teeth and turn on the radio so I can hear some Christmas music.  Actually, this show is kind of amusing.  I'll probably weigh myself again.  I've already blown the whole "not weighing" thing so I might as well keep on blowing it. 

I hope Charro doesn't cancel tomorrow.

A "warm," rainy Sunday

I had 50 eating disorder dreams last night, probably because I was at a party talking to a girl about eating disorders.  I kind of like the ED dreams, I must admit.

It's pouring rain out and I have to go outside.  Yuck.  I'm sitting in the dark with my Christmas tree on and my candles in the window.  I love Christmas lights.

I have to eat breakfast but I'm not really hungry.  My cat is falling asleep sitting up, next to me on the couch.  He scratched the hell out of  me last night while I was sleeping because he wanted me to wake up and pet him.  I still love him.

Oh ya, breakfast.  I should enjoy my "sticks" because next Sunday I won't be able to eat anything.  That's going to be weird.  I'm starting to think that I'm going to learn how to fend off starvation (as if I don't already know all the tricks) and be able to use that after this colonoscopy is over.  That would be bad...maybe.  I'm still not sure about that.

I've been weighing myself every day for the past few days.  Oh well.  I might have even stepped one a few times throughout the day.  Clearly I'm on heading backwards on this weighing thing, as of late.  Ugh, I just want next Monday to be over with.

Someone please tell me why my heat blows out cold air when it's done heating my apartment?  Isn't that a bit counterproductive??!!  It's cold too!!

I guess I should get ready to head out...and eat breakfast too.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Scared

I started freaking out last night while I was laying in bed.  There's obviously something wrong with me or my I would not have blood coming out of me, but what is it?  I'm now, literally at this moment, freaking out that I have cancer.  Clearly there is something wrong!  I just want to find out.  What would be causing me to bleed everytime I go to the bathroom?  Everytime!!  It's scaring me and I just want to find out.  What is it and what can be done to fix it?  I'm afraid that it won't be able to be fixed.  I wish I didn't have to wait 9 days to find out.  I hope I find out right after I have my colonoscopy.  I'm scared.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Ass words

I've been thinking of things I could write on my ass when I go in for my colonoscopy.  Here's what I've come up with so far.

Exit Only
Do Not Enter
Wrong Way
Swipe Card Here
Credit Cards only
Free Gas
:) (using my crack as a mouth, of course)

I think there were more but I can't remember.  All I know is that the there was more blood than normal today and that freaks me out.  I just want all of this to be over and to know what's going on.  My red blood count is a little low, but that just means I'm losing blood.

3 chances left

Charro canceled again this morning.  She's sick.  She's canceled so many times in the past 2 months.  She's canceled 4 times and it's kind of annoying.  Okay, she's sick, I get that but I never cancel anything when I'm sick, unless I have the flu or something.  I get the sick thing, but the last time she canceled really pissed me off because she "might have" had a meeting.  That one really annoyed me.  Don't cancel unless you're 100% sure.

So, now she only has 3 more times to come up with the so-called "plan" she said that we're going to come up with.  Again, I really don't think it's going to happen and I'm perfectly fine with that because I wouldn't follow a plan anyway.  No point in having a plan if I'm not going to follow it.  I'm going to end up getting fired.  I weigh 4 pounds less than what she says is the least amount I can weigh.  It happens.  She doesn't know it and won't know it unless she starts weighing me, which won't happen because she wants me to be as far away from the scale as possible. 

So, that's where things stand.  I'm off to the gym, then I'm going to walk 4-5 miles in the freezing cold, then I'm going to take a spin class tonight with my friend, even though I hate that class.

Oh, my bloodwork came back normal.  No Celiac for me. :)

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Things I want to remember

I'm losing weight but I'm not trying to.  I feel like I'm eating more, but who really knows.  Maybe I'm losing weight because of my GI issues, who knows.  I just want to get my blood results back and have this colonoscopy over and done with.

I like having a blog because I can write down things that I want to remember in the future, without having millions of papers floating around my place.  This is what Charro said the other day in regards to what might happen when I have my colonoscopy and what we're going to do while she's away.  She will be away when I have it done, though she said I could email her whenever, though she might not get back to me.

"I wish we were going to be having sessions, but maybe in the next two weeks we're going to make a plan.  We're going to make a serious plan and you're going to sign onto it.  You're going to commit to me that you're going to follow the plan. Okay!?"

I still don't know what that means and if she will follow through on that or not.  We'll see.  I know if I told Charro what I weigh right now, she'd kill me.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

No plan and no recovery

Charro told me today that I'm not in recovery.  We were talking about how I'm not going to be able to eat the day before my colonoscopy and how that will effect me.  She said, "You're not in recovery so the problem is always a relapse, or potential lapse when somebody is eating well, but you're not"...(interruption by me saying, "I'm already lapsed."  Then she said, "You have to face the fact that you're not changing your eating and haven't been willing to make changes in that area."  So that was the most exciting thing that happened in my sesh today.

On Monday she said, "We're going to come up with a plan and you're going to sign onto it and commit to me that you will follow through with it."  That's why I'm nervous about her writing up some sort of contract or something.  I highly doubt that she will.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Is there a plan?

So I'm hoping Charro doesn't planning on writing out a contract for me to sign.  Yesterday she said that we are going to "come up with a plan" and that I have to "sign on and commit to this plan."  What is that about and what does that mean?  Well, I have 5 more sesh's to find out what it means, since she leave to go to Italy next Friday.  Maybe I'll find out more tomorrow.

Bed time.

Monday, December 06, 2010

A nice bday weekend

My birthday is almost over.  It's been a great weekend.  I've seen so many people whom I didn't expect to see and had a nice time with everyone.  I've gotten so much love today from friends and peeps.  Yay! :)

I had Charro today.  My parents came to pick me up after and then we came home.  Charro got come cioccolata calda.  Well, I got it and she paid for it.  I didn't really drink it in there but that's okay.

So, she says we are coming up with a plan before she leaves and I don't like the sounds of that.  I'll have more to come on that after I listen to the tape.  She did NOT like that I was under 100 lbs.  Little does she know that I'm like 4 pounds under.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

A day with friends in the cold

Today was a nice day.  I got to hang out with my roommate from college and her parents.  I haven't seen her in a few years so it was SO NICE to see her!!

I feel like all I did was eat today.  Tomorrow I have to go out to breakfast with my parents and my roommates parents, then I will go see Charro.  I have to bring hot chocolate for us (ugh) because she wants to do something fun for my birthday and celebrate.  Yeah, I don't want the hot chocolate.  I might just show up without it.  I had some today so I don't need it tomorrow.

I'll probably head to bed soon because my parents are asleep and I am kind of tired.  I hope they don't get cold during the night.  I'll give them another blanket.  I have 400 blankets in my place.

I got my blood drawn yesterday for the doctor.  He wants to check me for celiac or something, I'm not really sure.  Colonoscopy countdown...2 weeks.  Funny how I'm actually not looking forward to having to NOT eat for an entire day.  Weird, right?

I'm going to weigh myself in the morning, even though I'm not supposed to.

Did I forget to mention that it is COOOOOLD out!!  I hate it! 

Lots of rent time

Heading back to NY with my rents this morning.  I have stuff I want to write but don't have time.  My dad and I went to cut down a tree yesterday, but because I'm so picky, we could not find one.  Three tree farms and two hours later...nothing.  I know it's because I am picky, but I want the perfect tree!

Today my rents are sleeping over.  I have been with them since Friday and will be with them until Tuesday.  Today will be in close quarters because they're sleeping at my STUDIO apartment.  That's tight.  We're seeing my roommate from college and her parents, whom I haven't seen for six years.  It will be fun.  We'll probably head back home after I see Charro tomorrow. 

My mom keeps asking me what kind of birthday cake I want.  Well, I don't want one but I can't say that.  I just kept telling her that she doesn't have time to make one so I don't need one.  Oh well.

Gotta run...(Literally and figuratively)

Oh yeah, am I supposed to tell Charro that I've lost almost 4 pounds??  I wasn't trying.  Maybe it's more like three.  I don't want to but I should but I don't want to!  Whaaaaa :(  She'll give me an ultimatum and I do NOT like that.

Friday, December 03, 2010

I made it through

I got to the doctor and they called me in.  My mom started following me in and I told her to stay there.  She kept coming because she wanted to be there when the doctor talked to me.  Well, I was with the nurse and she wanted to take my weight and vitals.  I thought, Oh my gosh, my mom cannot be in there when they weigh me.  That will not go over well.  Well, she didn't come it because I kept telling her she didn't need to, but I thought she was standing right outside the door when they weighed me.  Thankfully I had jeans, a sweater and my big, black, heavy boots on so I weighed 101.  That was acceptable!  Phew!

Then I went back to the examining room and again my mom came it.  I was like, "Mom, you don't have to come it."  She said, "I won't stay for the exam, I just want to talk to the doctor."  So, we went into the doctor's office and we all sat down and there was this other med student in there.  The doc talked field hockey and told me that he was my biggest fan in high school, then he asked me what was going on and for how long.  I had to not be completely honest because my mom was in the room.  I said it's been going on for 4 months, which is a lie, it's been like 8.  I also didn't elaborate on my eating.  Well, he didn't ask anything about my eating habits.

Then he discussed what he was going to do and he said he wanted to stick a scope up there and I said something, not sure what.  He then said, "Would you rather just have a colonoscopy?" and I said yes.  I told him that I'd prefer that he'd not stick his finger up my butt while I was awake, but could do anything he wanted to me while I was asleep.  So, we went into the room and I told him that I didn't want his finger up my butt and he said he wouldn't do it and he was just going to take a look.  So, he looked at my ass, a little humiliating, and that was it.  He said he saw no fissures or hemorrhoids.  He's looking into celiac disease, crohns and some sort of irritable bowel.  He was very concerned about my height, or lack there of, for some reason.  He thinks that that might have something to do with my problem and a possible cause of celiac or colitis.  He is sending me for bloodwork, which I will do on Tuesday, to rule out an anti-immunity problem.  Then, I am having a colonoscopy on Dec. 20th.  My brother and his family will be here so I'll get to shit up a storm in front of a million people.  Awesome. 

So, that's that.

1:15

My doctor's appointment is in an hour and 15 minutes.  Freakout began last night.  Charro saw some of it this morning.  Then my train broke down and I wasn't sure I was going to make it home or not.  We got in late and I ended up having to walk to get my car.

I'm home and showered and I weighed myself.  I weighed 96.3 lbs.  I've clearly lost weight and I'm not sure how.  Now part of me is freaked out to get weighed at the doctor's because I don't want them to see my weight, yet the other part of me wants to not eat and not drink anything to see if my scale is correct.  UGH!  Just make the appointment be over and make me not need anymore ass appointments.  Charro wants me to email her after.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Exit only

I want to write "Exit Only" on my ass tomorrow so the doctor knows that I don't want his finger up my ass.  Enough said!

I just went on a stupid date.  Waste of my time.  I could have been sleeping.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Doc 1, done

Went to get x-rays and my knee checked out today.  All is fine with it, so they say.  The doctor said that if the pain worsens, or if it starts locking up on me, I need to have an MRI and possibly surgery, but I'm not worried about the surgery thing because I don't foresee that happening.  He said I could do anything, which includes running and everything else, so that's good.  I'm back baby!  It still feels weird and hurts a little, which bothers me.  The popping in the middle of the night really bothers me.  So, I'll do what I do and that will be that.

My rain boots need to go because I've tried everything and they still give me blisters.  I'm so done with them.

I told Charro that my mom asked how many calories were in my hot chocolate yesterday.  She just about died and said, "Okay, we really need an intervention.  You need to talk to her."  Well, that's not going to happen.  The comment didn't bother me, though it was bizarre.

My weight was down again this morning.  Maybe it's stress, I don't know.  Butt doctor on Friday.  NOW THAT IS STRESSFUL!

For David...my gnocchi