Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I would TOTALLY do this!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKiLOY9LaS0

This is the best commercial.  My mom said, "I thought of you when I saw it because you would do that."  I said, "I know!"  My friend goes, "You would do that."  I said, "I know!"  I LOVE IT!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Yummy cioccolato calda

My appointment with Charro was pretty uneventful today.  I brought her some gnocchi.  She ate them for lunch and told me they were good, but she could be lying. 

The Latin dance class I took at the gym today was a blast.  I laughed at myself the entire time, which makes it even better, but I definitely had fun.  I don't think my knee liked it too much because it hurts today.  It probably didn't help that I walked 5 miles on it after that.  Oh well.  I'll hopefully find out more on Thursday, like if I have to have an MRI or not. 

I debated getting cioccolato calda (hot chocolate) from Eataly today.  Well, I got it after my sesh and it was freaking good.  I couldn't finish it because it was so rich.  Charro said she'd rather have me eat lunch and then get it but, that would mean going out of my way to get my lunch and then coming back.  So, I got the cioccolato calda and then didn't want lunch.  I still got my pita, but I ate half of it for dinner.  The other half I'll eat tomorrow.  So, probably not a great food day as of now.  I wonder if I should report that all to Charro on Wednesday.  It's not like there's anything she can say or do about it if I tell her what I've eaten today, so I guess it's pointless.

I think I'll sleep well tonight.  I've been out and about on my feet all day, in the cold too, so I think I'll pass out.  Watch ABC at 9:30 EST to see the CMA Christmas special.  YAY!

The sinkers didn't sink

The lead sinkers didn't do any damage.  I was surprised by my weight this morning, in a good "weigh."  Ha!  Totally wasn't supposed to weigh myself but I did because I thought I would weigh 2000 pounds from eating those gnocchi yesterday. 

I'm hitting the gym, working out and then taking some weird Latin dance class that I will look ridiculously stupid in because I can't dance.  I'll for sure laugh the entire time.  Then I have to rush home, shower, walk to Charro's, do some errands and then I can head back.  That's all folks.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Lead sinkers!

Today was a relaxing day.  I walked to the gym, taught class, went to the grocery store, asked a bunch of Christmas stand people on the street how much their trees cost...answer...way too much money, made gnocchi (lead sinkers), showered, decorated for Christmas and listened to Christmas music.  That was my day. 

I think one or 2 of my friends may pop over for some gnocchi.  I am going to bring some to Charro tomorrow.  Oh yeah, I made sauce too. 

I'm not supposed to weigh myself until Friday but that is so not going to happen.  Friday is my doctor's appointment so I will definitely be weighing myself many times before then.

I have nothing more to say.  Boring stuff.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

A year ago

A year ago today...at this moment, I was sitting at the airport waiting to board my 5:30 PM flight to Roma, IT.  Oh how I wish I was doing that right now.  That was the best trip ever!  I just blew up and framed a few of those pictures, not I have to hang them.  That's the tough part.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Back to my apartmento

I'm back.  Just got back here and am doing laundry.  I brought my kitties a special treat...TURKEY!!  They were so happy and LOVED it.  Good thing I have a whole bag of it for them. 

I opened my sliding glass door and one of my cats went out and came back in, but I didn't see the other go out there.  I was looking all over for her (I had since shut the door) and couldn't find her.  I opened my blinds and there she was sitting outside, meowing.  I couldn't hear her because my glass is sound proof, but when I opened the door she was doing her scared meow.  I felt SOOOOO BAD!!!  I held her and she started purring.  I tried to warm up her ears too.  I have no problem putting my lips on them to warm them up.

So, my stupid scale here says I way 3 more pounds more than my scale at home.  Okay, I'll give a pound to having eaten today and then I don't know what the difference is.  I don't know which one is right, though I tend to believe that "Bertha" is correct because it always has been...well, sometimes.  Ha.

So I'm doing laundry and I've unpacked my stuff.  I might decorate for Christmas or organize some more.  I've been on a huge cleaning/organizing spree.  I'm not quite sure what that's about, but it's a good thing.  Maybe I can throw some crap out.

A pleasant surprise

Well, I was a bit scared to weigh myself this morning but all turned out okay.  I'm not quite sure how it's possible but I lost a pound or so.  The first time I stepped on the scale it was much lower than I would have expected, so I knew it was wrong, so I calibrated it and weighed myself two more times and got the same number both times and it was a good number.  Okay, good in my eyes, not in Charro's.  It kind of makes me nervous to get weighed at the doctor because if I weigh what I weighed that might raise an eyebrow, unless of course my scale is wrong.  I'm going to weigh myself when I get back to NY.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A parade balloon

That's what I look like right now.  I hate the sweater dress I'm wearing because it's too tight and is hugging my bubble butt.  Ugh!  I can't believe I'm going to be seen like this.  I should just put on my jeans and sweater, which I also think it too small, though Charro thinks it "fits perfectly."

So, I went to the gym this morning and worked out for 75 minutes.  I ran 4 miles and my knee feels pretty good, that means I can run again tomorrow if I want.  Okay, maybe that's pushing it but I don't know.  We'll see.  I am glad it doesn't hurt.  It still feels cold inside and pops, but that's okay.  It only hurts a little, little, little bit.

Last night my parents were driving me insane.  They asked me a million times what I wanted to eat for dinner.  I was like, "I don't know."  What I really meant was, "I don't want dinner" but I knew that wouldn't go over well.  I think they're watching me.  Last week, at breakfast, my dad told me that I barely ate anything and wanted me to eat more.  So, I think eyes are on me again.

I guess I should get ready for Thanksgiving.  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Parade of food

Let the parade of food begin.  Ugh...not so fun.  We have so much food in the fridge that needs to be eaten and then we will have all of the Thanksgiving food to eat.  Ugh!  I didn't think it was going to bother me but it is.  Oh well.  If I can get out of eating dinner tonight, that would be fantastic!!

Tonight I'm going to see my friend S., remember the alcoholic who told me he was going to kill himself last year and I got completely involved??  Yep, him.  I haven't seen him since the hospital last October.  Now he's living in a sober house.

I am going to run tomorrow.  Yep, run until my knee hurts, if it does start to hurt that is.  If it does, I will stop running and go on the elliptical.

I had a good sesh with Charro this morning.  She seems to be sharing a lot more personal stuff with me these days.  I told her that I was starting to completely freak out about my doctor's appointment next Friday.  She wanted to know what scared me.  I said, "That fact that there will be a hand up my ass is what scares me the most.  That and the fact that I might have colon cancer."  Both I think are pretty good reasons to be freaked out!!

I'm really tired.  I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't really get back to sleep.  I told Charro that I most likely won't be sleeping or eating much next week.  She said that I must eat and sleep because that will help with the anxiety.  Well, I can't really control it if I can't sleep.  Believe me, I think if any of us could control not sleeping no one would have insomnia.

When I was walking out of Charro's office she said, "NO weighing yourself this weekend!!"  I looked at her and said, "I can weigh myself on Friday."  She said, "Only on Friday!"  (that's my weigh in day).  I want to weigh myself now.

So my friend/next door neighbor emailed me and told me that my scale was 4 pounds higher than her doctor's scale.  Hmm, I wish that was the case and if it was, then I'd be kind of underweight.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Jen, Polly and I

I was (still am but got a little sidetracked) doing some cleaning around my apartment.  I stumbled across a few things that made me smile.  First I found an article about Polly in US Weekly after she died.  That one didn't really make me smile.  Then I stumbled upon a note from Jen when she sent me my very first FFJ!  That definitely made me smile.  Then I flipped through my FFJ and read all of the comments that some of you guys (well, I don't think anyone who wrote in it reads my blog anymore) wrote.  Then I found a card that Polly had made for Jen and me.  It made me crack up.  She wrote the story of "Jen, P-Dawg, and PTC" and it was filled with funny facts and little pictures to animate our lives.  She was so funny and talented and made me crack up. 

I was thinking about the "Bitch Stick" that Polly made for me that resembled a palm tree.  I saw pictures of it, but never received it.  It was sitting on her table waiting to be shipped when she killed herself.  When I think of Polly I always smile though.  She was one crazy girl, but we had some very funny chats.  I can only imagine what would have happened if the three of us ever did take that vacation together.  We would have had stories to last a life time.  I know those days were really crappy for Jen and P-Dawg, but we still managed to have such laughs.  I miss that.

Okay, back to cleaning.

I don't know what to do with my knee

I really feel like I'll be wasting a doctor's time if I go get my knee checked out.  It doesn't hurt right now, it's just clicking and popping and feels a little weird.  I feel like I need to be in pain in order to see a doctor.  I feel like I need to have something wrong with me in order to go and I don't think anything is wrong unless I'm in pain.  The doctor I babysit for insists I need to get it checked out, but I feel like a big loser because it doesn't hurt.  I feel like I need to go running on it until it hurts to test it out and make sure it actually does hurt.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but it makes sense to me.  Ugh, I just don't know what to do.  I wish it just hurt so I would know if something was wrong with it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Fuzzy sock alert

I got an email from Charro today.  I wasn't quite sure why should would be emailing me.  I thought she might be cancelling our sesh for Wednesday or something.  I was wrong.  I opened up the email and it said, "Fuzzy sock alert - old navy."  I thought that was hysterical that she took the time to email me and tell me that she saw fuzzy socks in Old Navy.  It was kind of cute.

She kept asking me why I was so pissed off today and wanted me to tell her why.  I don't think I was pissed off, but I could have told her that I was pissed off at her for cancelling our sesh on Friday, but I didn't.  I don't think I was still pissed about that.

I told her that I watched the English soap about the anorexic girl.  She didn't like hearing that and wanted to know why I was so obsessed with reading ED books and watching ED related shows.  I just like them.

I called a doctor about my knee but he can't see me for two months, so that was a no go.  The lady I babysit for is going to try to see if he can get me in sooner when she goes to work tomorrow.  She's being very nice and very helpful and I feel badly about that.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A walk in the park

I was walking through Central Park earlier and I passed Camilla Mager, the ED psychologist on the E show "What's Eating You."  How freaking funny.  Friday night I said to my friend, "I bet I see her around sometime," I didn't think sometime would be 2 days later.  She was walking her little dog and was with her friend.  Then I thought, I wonder if she looked at me and could tell if I had an ED?  My guess is that she could not!  How come when I say, "I hope I see Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon," no spottings occur?  Hmm!  I see a fake celebrity.  It was still pretty funny though.  Too bad I wasn't with the friend I said it to on Friday.

Dreaming in English accents

After watching 300 hours of that English soap opera yesterday (I don't know why I thought they were Irish because they sounded English to me), I dreamt in an English accent last night.  Yep, everyone was speaking with English accents, which is quite amusing to me because I love English accents. :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wasted day

I've have the most unproductive afternoon ever.  I did absolutely NOTHING and that is quite pathetic.  I worked from 8:30-1:30 doing some sports clinics and then I came home and did nothing.  Again, pathetic.  I've sat on my couch watching an ED movie and then found this English soap opera about this girl who was anorexic.  I am still trying to find all the episodes of this show.  I can't believe I've wasted my entire day...loser!

Click click, pop pop

My knee was popping/clicking in my sleep again last night.  I really just do not like that at all.  It makes me not want to move.  It doesn't hurt, it just is...gross.

Dinner was good.  We walked home.  We had a nice time.  Always good to hang out and catch up with my next door neighbor.  :)  You'd think we'd see each other more often considering the fact we live a wall away from each other.

I must get dressed.  I have to leave for work in 35 minutes.

Friday, November 19, 2010

At the end of the day...

I will have worked out for an hour, walked 6 1/2 - 7 1/2 miles, depending upon whether I walk home from dinner with my friend, and ice skated.  Ice skating was definitely the most fun part of the day.

Now that I've sat down I don't want to move.  Unfortunately I have to change my clothes and walk 25 blocks to dinner.  Okay, I don't have to walk, but I don't feel that I should pay to take the bus, that's just redic.  So, I will walk to have birthday dinner with my friend at a restaurant that doesn't have any meals that I like.  That doesn't mean "I don't like them because they're high in calories and fat," it's and I don't like them because they have mushrooms or meat, etc.  She'll get mad if I just have a salad but the only pasta dish that doesn't have meat or seafood has mushrooms and garlic and stuff that I don't like.  No sauce. :(  Maybe there will be a special that I like.

Seriously, I could probably fall asleep right now.  I've been outside walking around and skating for the past 4 hours.  I guess I should get ready.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bummin'

Charro cancelled our sesh for tomorrow morning.  She said that there was a 10% chance that she'd have a meeting and would know yesterday.  Well, she just emailed me and said that she was cancelling because she still didn't know if she had a meeting or not.  Um, I would think that one would know if they were having a meeting 11 hours before the meeting is supposed to take place.  Right?!  If it was me, I would assume that the meeting was not taking place since I hadn't heard about it yet, but that's just me.  If I were her, I would have sent me an email saying "I still don't know if I have a meeting in the morning so I may have to cancel last minute."  Again, that's just me.  I'd rather have her cancel last minute with a warning, than cancel pre-maturely. 

Okay, let's just call a spade a spade her...I'm pissed that she canceled because she might have canceled unnecessarily.  I can understand why she wouldn't want to cancel last minute, but I'd rather she did, as stated above.

I'm hungry.  I don't want to eat.  I thought about eating when I got home from the gym but then I got the email and got mad so now I don't want to eat.  I guess it's kind of like an "F-U" but I don't know.  I'm glad I didn't wait to weigh myself until tomorrow either.  I will weigh myself again tomorrow, but I weighed myself tonight.  The number tonight should make for a good number tomorrow.

I feel like I shouldn't be mad that she canceled, but I am. 

Knees and butts

I go to the doctor in two weeks to have a hand shoved up my ass.  I know you're all very jealous that I get to have that done.  Clearly I'll be very nervous and not have an appetite (hopefully) for a few days prior to my exam.  They're probably going to weigh my, I assume, which means that I'll be obsessing about my weight, trying to weigh no more than I weighed last time I went to my regular doctor.  I've never been to this doctor before so he knows nothing about me.  Well, other than the fact that I'm a "great field hockey player."  (his words to my mother).  I'm guessing they might ask about my diet because well, GI stuff is connected to the foods we eat...or don't.  I'm not sure how to answer those questions, if they do arise.  I know that they won't think I have an ED just by the number on the scale. 

I guess my main concern, which it really is, is that there's nothing seriously wrong with me.  I have a feeling that I'll need to have more testing after the doctor's visit, but I don't know.  I just hope it's nothing serious.

Now onto my knee...I really hope there's nothing seriously wrong with that either.  It doesn't hurt really, but it does feel weird, like something isn't moving correctly when I walk and stuff.  We'll see.  I will have a name of a doctor on Monday, hopefully.  I will FREAK OUT if there is something really wrong with it, though I don't think that will be the case. What if I have to have an MRI?  I also don't think that will be the case.  I have to stop thinking.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Falling apart

I just had the woman I babysit for, who is a doctor, feel my knee.  She said that I should see a doctor because it shouldn't be popping like it is and it might be my meniscus.  Ugh!  Not what I really want to hear.  She works for a good group of doctors so she's going to find me someone who takes my insurance. 

My body is apparently just falling apart.  I have by butt issues, my knee, my elbow and finger have been hurting for about a month too.  What's going on with me?  No, it's not because I "don't eat" because I do eat.

I'm in reading withdrawal.  I want to find another ED book to read now that I finished Portia's.  Charro wants to borrow it, I think, because she said everyone's been talking about it and she thinks she should read it.  I told her we could do a book swap.  She needs to give me a good ED book, but I'm sure she doesn't have the ones I like.

I need to have something for dinner.  I planned on making a real dinner from a cook book, but then I ended up babysitting so I didn't have time to go to the store.  Now I'm just going to see what I have and go with that.  Not so fun.  I'll make something tomorrow.  I want to try making spring rolls, I think.

I can't wait to weigh myself on Friday, though I'll probably be disappointed.  I wanted to weigh myself today and should have because I thought it was Friday.  I could have pretended that I thought it was Friday and weighed myself. :)

Guess I should figure out what to do about dinner.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I just got home to my house after my busy day.  It's almost 7 and I'm drinking tea because it was cold when I got in here.  I have to do laundry and I should eat dinner.  I am not hungry but I haven't had the best of meals today.  I feel like I should make some broccoli just so I can eat something healthy, but I'm hungry.  I can already hear Charro's voice in my head when I say that one. 

So today, I woke up and my parents and I went to breakfast. We walked around a bit and they left for the airport and I left to see Charro.  They still call her the wrong name.  I walked to the train station after, hopped on the train, saw my nephews, did a little shopping and here I am...drinking my tea and thinking about how I am supposed to eat.  Oh yeah, I weighed myself too and I weighed less than what I've been weighing lately.

I guess that's about it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Surprise visit

I finished Portia de Rossi's book.  Good stuff!  I am not a big reader and I read it pretty quickly.  I liked the way she wrote and I liked her story.

My parents are coming to stay with me unexpectedly tonight.  They're heading to the airport on an unplanned trip and they're staying here.  I hope they don't want to discuss my issues (not eating but the one on the "other end.")  I really don't want to discuss that stuff with them in person.  The doctor called my parents and said that he could see me tomorrow but my mom declined because she wants to be there with me.  So, as of right now I'm still not going until December 3.  The doctor doesn't seem to think it's anything serious from hearing what my mom told him, but we'll see.  I hope it isn't anything serious but I still think I'm going to have to need a colonoscope or something.  Ugh!  I played field hockey with his daughter and my parents know him pretty well, on a doctor/patient basis I guess, which is why he called my parents himself.  I know he's called my house a lot when things came up with my dad or grandma.

I was going to make a mini bday cake for my dad but I think it would have been a difficult task to make this particular cake mini.  Maybe I'll make some cookies.  I have ice cream and ice cream bars left from my party a few weeks ago, so maybe that's sufficient.  If I made cookies, he could have a cookie sandwich.  Okay, I'm not going to bake anything, that's just nuts.  They'll be here for like 2 minutes and won't eat all of that stuff.  I'm sure we'll have dinner when they get here and then my dad can have ice cream and call it a day.  They'll leave for the airport about the same time I leave for Charro.  Actually, I might have to leave earlier than they do because I want to walk to the office and have lunch first, maybe.

I am hungry now but I don't know what to eat because what if I have to eat with my parents?  I don't want to be full. 

I'm watching "Meet Joe Black."  I love this movie, but it's too sad.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I'd like to take a nap right now, but I have to shower and get ready for my date.  I hate eating dinner late, and it will be after 8 when I eat.  Ugh.  I'll feel fat and gross after, which is always a good feeling.  Fun!.

This morning I went for a run in the park.  I am now icing my knee.  Then I went to school for to do a clinic and no one showed up.  The other coach, the one I coached with and can't stand, showed up completely hung over and stinking of alcohol.  Good thing no girls showed up because she spent the morning puking in the bathroom.  Moms picking up their daughters from other things witnessed her awful state.  She should be embarrassed.  It was quite irresponsible of her.

After that, I went back to the park and hung out.  Now I don't want to move off of the couch.  I vacuumed and need to shower and clean my bathroom.  I'll ice for another 15 minutes and then hop in the shower.

I ate lunch late (3 PM) and feel like I ate a lot, but I might not have, I don't know.  Hopefully I'll want dinner in 2 1/2 hours but hopefully I won't be too hungry, which I shouldn't be.

I have to see if this guy has a personality or not.  I couldn't tell last week.

Friday, November 12, 2010

And she freaked

I asked my mom for the number of the G.I. doctor that my family uses and she wanted to know why.  I told her (this over IM) and she called immediately.  She freaked out and asked me how long this has been going on, why I didn't say anything, said that this is serious, and many other things.  She said that I need to talk to them about things.  I told her that I didn't want to freak her out and I could tell that she was freaking out.  I know this could be serious, but hopefully it's not.  I know that I should have acted sooner given the fact that my dad had colon cancer, but my doctor said it was internal hemorrhoids.  So, I went with that but things didn't get better and that's when I started getting concerned.  Here I am now.  So, I'm waiting for the secretary to call me back so I can schedule an appointment.  I will have to have a very uncomfortable exam, which my mom said she would go to with me (not in the room).  I will be FREAKING out (understatement), because who wants to have that kind of exam done to them?  Not I!!  Then I will probably have to have a colonoscopy, which doesn't freak me out all that much because you're sedated for that.  Thank God!  So, that's where I am right now.  Fun times.

Yucky stuff

So I think I have ulcerative colitis.  Yum.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?  That is my diagnosis after doing some research online.  I haven't gone to the doctor yet but did submit a form online for them to call me.  It's a new doctor in NY, since my doctor at home left the practice and went elsewhere.  I guess it's better to have someone here anyway.  I will say, if I have to have a colonoscopy, I will get that done at home because we know the doctors well there and the place is 3 miles from my house.  I don't want to have a sigmoidoscopy because they don't sedate you for that.  I want/need to be sedated if they're going to stick something up my heiny, that is FOR SURE!!  I will FREAK out. 

Of course I have not mentioned this to my parents yet.  I figured I'd go to the doctor here and see what the deal is.  That is if I can get an appointment pretty quickly.  The other thing that I do not want to do is have to bring in a doody sample.  How freaking humiliating and embarrassing...and just GROSS!!  I don't even want to know how you're supposed to "get it."

Ok, I need to try and think of some other things now, like cleaning up the cat puke on my floor.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Hustle and bustle

I have to leave for the train station soon.  I hit the "I'm sick of walking" point yesterday.  I had to (didn't really "have" to I guess) walk to Charro's yesterday morning, but I was carrying my stuff and and walking so fast to get there.  Then I had to haul ass out of there to make sure I made my train on time.  Then when I got off the train I had to walk over a mile to my sister's house to get my car.  That's not a far distance but I thought, "I'm so sick of walking."  I can't wait to tell Charro that one tomorrow.  She'll be like "SEE?!"  I have no choice in NY because I don't want to spend the money on the subway and bus.  So, it was nice to be home with a car.  :) 

I have to hustle back to my apartment, change, feed the cats, walk a mile to the gym, teach, walk back and then CHILL!!!  Finally.  I worked out this morning.  My knee is still hurting a little but it's not bad. 

I guess I should go do something.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Itchy foot, tea and feeling

I just drank a big mug of tea and now am going to go to bed.  I will most definitely wake up in about 2 hours and have to pee. 

My cat is clawing at my arm because he wants me to pet him.  This is a daily ritual which leaves me with scratches all over my body.

My foot is itchy!

I feel fat right now.  Feel, as in a physical feeling, which yes, those feelings do so exist and are real.  So one can in fact "feel fat."  I might need to weigh myself soon.  Soon, as in sooner than Friday.

Bed time.

Test run

I'm going to try running this morning...probably not a wise idea but I thought I'd give it a shot.  My knee doesn't hurt this morning, I don't think, so I figured I'd give it a test run.  If it hurts, I'll ice it after.  That's an easy solution.  I'll get off the treadmill if it hurts.  I won't be completely stupid about it because I know it needs time to heal.

I got Portia De Rossi's book in the mail yesterday.  So far, so good.  I think I'm only 60 pages in at the moment so I'll read some more later today.

Monday, November 08, 2010

It snowed and sleeted

WHAT!!??  Yep, it did.  The snow covered the ground a bit at my house.  My mom sent me a picture.

So, I met my friend D. at the gym this morning.  (I love that she has a free month there but it will be sad when she's done).  My body was tired for some reason (maybe because I walked around in boots yesterday???), so I only worked out for 40 minutes.  My knee is not fully healed yet either, though I haven't stayed off of it, so I can't run, though I'm going to try tomorrow.  I did walk to Charro's and my legs were tired and didn't want to be doing it.  Fortunately it didn't really rain while I was walking there, just the tale end of my walk.

I planned on stopping and getting focaccia before my sesh, but I didn't want it.  I was craving salad, actually a pita with hummus and veggies and hot sauce, but that place is near her old office so I didn't go there.  I didn't get the focaccia and went to my sesh hungry, but that's okay.  The sesh started off slow and she asked me why I was shaking my legs.  She made me stop but I never really did.  I don't know why I was doing it.  Finally we started talking about "more important" things I guess, which was good.  She said I'd look better if I gained weight.  Um, not really, but whatevs.

I am tired and want to go to bed.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Marathon Day

Today is the NYC Marathon.  My apartment is right on the running route.  Do I plan on watching the race?  No!  I could honestly care less about the marathon and it's more a hassle than anything else.  People get so excited to go watch.  I can't think of anything more boring, personally.  Why do I want to watch people run??  If I want to watch someone run, I'll look in the mirror when I'm on the treadmill.  I think watching golf would be more exciting.  Then people always tell me that I should run a marathon.  Um, NO THANK YOU!!  I have absolutely NO desire to do that.  How boring!  Hey, if you want to run 26.2 miles, do it, but that's not for me.  It's probably pretty bad that I'm not even proud of my friends for doing a marathon.  My mindset is, "Hey, if you want to do it and put your body through that, that's great, but I don't really feel the need to be proud of you."  I'll give ya a "good job," but that's about it.  I do think it's a great internal accomplishment for those running.  I just don't get the whole marathon thing which is why I could care less about them.  So that's my marathon rant.

I babysat last night.  The mom asked me how my party went on Friday night and I responded by saying, "I'm glad I didn't waste my time cooking because the girls ate NOTHING.  I ordered 2 pizzas and they only hate half of a pizza."  She said, "When do girls stop eating?  15?  You don't eat so you fit right in."  I can't believe she said that I don't eat.  She doesn't know that.  She knows I'm very picky, so that's probably what she meant.  I do have to say that some of my field hockey girls concern me because of their eating habits.  One said she was going out to dinner with her family, which I didn't really believe.  Another, who always says she's fat and talks about calories, said that she had a salad and a protein shake before she came.  Clearly going down the disordered path, this girl is.

So the 10 year old eats right before she goes to bed.  The mom told me, the first time I babysat for them, "L. can eat whatever she wants, but S. (the boy) can only have this because we need to watch what he eats."  So, L EATS!!!  Last night she ate a big bowl of spaghetti with butter and cheese, half a hamburger (it may have been more than half, but it was her leftover lunch), 3 pieces of candy (reeses pb cub, mini kit kat, mini Take 5 bar), mango, chocolate covered almonds, and a single serving bag of microwave popcorn.  I think she would have kept eating if her parents didn't come home.  Her mom said that she doesn't eat much during the day but eats at night.  This just sounds like it's going to turn into disaster at some point in time.  Her mom's a doctor so she sort of knows this because she did say, "it's not the healthiest thing," but I think she needs to try and fix this.

I have a "brunch" date today.  Really, let's just call it LUNCH here people.  It's at 1:30 PM, there is no part of 1:30 PM that says breakfast!!  To me, brunch is a meal that takes place between 10-11AM, no earlier, no later.  I just think the whole idea of brunch is stupid, but that's just mean.  If it's after 12 PM, it's LUNCH!!!!

I don't know why my cat always scratches the top of the litter box.  I don't know if she's trying to clean out her paws or what.  Strange little animal she is, but I still love her to death!  My other one puked two times early this morning.  It was more like spit I guess because I couldn't find it, but I stepped in a wet spot.  Yummy!

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Not possible

I was laying in bed this morning and realized that I don't believe that it's possible to recover from an eating disorder.  I really don't think it is.  I'm talking about everyone, not just me.  I know so many people who have been hospitalized several times and still aren't better, so why even try to get better if you're most likely not going to get better?  That's how I feel about the situation. I guess I think it's just a waste of time to try if the majority of people are never really free of an ED.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Must think

My goal tonight is to think...think about what my "therapy goals" are, as Charro says (and wants to know).  I had nothing to say during our sesh today.  Not a thing.  She must have been bored at of her mind because she was twirling her hair.  Great!  I suck at talking, that's all I know.

I stood up to leave and she said, "I can tell that your knee hurts.  You aren't standing like you normally do."  It didn't hurt when I stood, just when I was walking.  It's fine though.  I REALLY want to run but I don't think I should since it still hurts.  Blah!  We'll see, maybe I'll try a mile tomorrow and then do the elliptical.

The team will be here in 30 minutes.  I just ordered the pizza.  I almost forgot to order it.  That would have been funny, not really.  When they leave, I WILL THINK!!!  I need to come up with something good.  I just ordered Portia Di Rossi's ED book.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

More about last night

I still love that CDJ emailed me.  She rocks!!

Anyway, I went to the show with my friend "44."  I haven't seen him in maybe 5 months.  He told me I looked thinner and asked me if I had lost weight.  I said that I hadn't (that's true) and that I have gained a couple of pounds.  He kept insisting that I had lost weight and that my boobs were smaller.  Smaller??  Could they get any smaller?  I actually thought they seemed bigger as of late.  But hey, I'm totally okay with him thinking that I look thinner.

My eye is twitching.

I love nice people

My knee is feeling much better.  It's still a little swollen but I am walking pretty much fine.  I thought I might try running tomorrow but that might not be such a great idea.

Last night I went to see one of my favorite country singers.  She's not all that well known but she's an amazing singer and songwriter.  I met her for the first time about 10 years ago, if not longer.  It only took one time meeting her for her to remember me, which was SOOO COOL!  Fast forward a bunch of years and we're not facebook friends.  I haven't seen her in person in probably 6 years.  So, I saw her last night and after the show, which was at a small club with 3 other songwriters, I went back stage.  She saw me and said my name so loud, like she was so excited to see me, and threw her arms around me and gave me a great big hug!!  I love her (CDJ, Carolyn Dawn Johnson).  She's awesome and you should check her out. 

Anyway, I woke up to an email from her this morning.  I had made her some "bark"  (dessert) and she apparently loved it.  This is what she wrote to me:

(my name), the bark tastes good!! How do I stop from eating ALOT of it at once????? ok so it's late....I won't make it to central park in the morning....I will just have to get ready for my lunch...it was great to see you...you are so sweet and tiny...and just precious....I'm glad I got to see you in person after all this time...I wish I had more time to explore the city, but I don't and I do need to just chill considering my husband let me leave for 2 days!!!!!! he is amazing!!!! anyway...take care girl and thanks for the awesome sweets (that I don't need )
 
How sweet is she?
Now I'm home and need to do a bit of work.  It's just my mom and me for dinner tonight.  Oh dear.  I am drinking tea now because I am cold. :)

Monday, November 01, 2010

And I walked...

Swollen knee and all, I walked to Charros.  Well, first I went to the gym for an hour and did the elliptical.  I managed to make it through that.  I figured it would help loosen my up.  I'm not sure it did.  Then I walked 60 blocks to Charro's.  She saw me limping when I walked in and asked me if I hurt my leg.  I told her I did and then she asked me if I had walked there.  I told her I did and that I thought it would help loosen up my knee.  She saw that it was pretty swollen and said that I am not allowed to walk anywhere else!!  Well, I had to walk 9 blocks to go to a store and then I took the train home.  Then I had to walk 2 miles to school and back.  I saw the trainer at school and she looked at my knee.  I knew there was nothing wrong with it and she confirmed that.  She said that I need to keep icing it because it's filled with fluid, but there is no damage to the patella.  I knew that would be the case and I'm glad that it was.  So, I will keep icing and limping until it's better.  No running I guess, since I'd look pretty funny trying to run.  I look stupid when I walk too, so whatever.

I can't wait to go to sleep.  I'm tired.  I guess I walked around a lot today and I totally shouldn't have, I am aware of that. 

Oh, I got a call about a study today and had to answer a bunch of questions.  One being, "Have you ever been in psychotherapy?"  I had to say yes and then they asked why and I had to say, "An eating disorder."  I've never had to say that before.  Apparently I answered all of the questions to their liking and they are going to call back and schedule a time for me to go in and have further screening, I guess.  It's an OCD study and I'd be a "healthy volunteer."  Fun...and I get paid. :)  Not sure of the details.

Okay, must watch DWTS now.  I think I'll make a baked apple too.

Babysitter dream

I am still icing my knee.  I still can't walk like a normal person but I'm meeting my friend at the gym in an hour and then I plan on walking the 3.5 miles to Charro.  Not sure how that will go.  I'm hoping the gym will loosen it up a bit.

So I had a dream last night that the lady I babysit for came down to my apartment with her little daughter.  She asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to hang out with them for a little bit, but I said that I wanted to have dinner first.  She asked me what I was going to have for dinner so I started looking through my cabinets and fridge and I said, "Um, applesauce."  I didn't mean that that would be my entire dinner.  The woman said to me, "A little eating disorder maybe?"  I kind of did a little laugh and then thought, I'm going to have to blog about this.  Ha, I'm dreaming about having to blog about what happens in my dreams, in my dreams.  Funny.

I think I'll have the trainer at school just check out my knee to be on the safe side, though I know that there's nothing wrong with it.  I've just never not been able to walk before.  I think I just got hit in the "right" spot.