Thursday, September 30, 2010

Still up in arms

I'm still having major arm issues.  My arms are just huge, that's the bottom line.  I can't stand them.  They are just big, fat blobs of hugeness.  Makes me feel really good about myself and about wearing a nice little dress next Saturday as I make a speech in front of hundreds of people.  Awesome.  Maybe I can get some lipo before then, or I can just take a knife to them myself.  Ugh!

Good news is that one of my favorite singers will be in NYC in November.  She sent me an email herself to let me know that it might happen.  Tonight I got the confirmation. 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Is the ED your best friend?

That's the question I got from Charro this morning.  I kind of looked at her because I thought that was the gayist question ever.  I was like, "That's dumb" and didn't really want to play into that "eating disorder as a person" thing. 

I had so much swirling through my head last night, but this morning I didn't know what to talk about with Charro.  I hate that.  I wish I could have had something to talk about.

I have nothing to talk about now either. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Of course that was a bad idea

I just weighed myself, which was not a good idea.  I guess there's no need to really ramble on about what I'm thinking and feeling.  It's nothing I haven't said before.  It's times like these when I feel that there is no point in working at any of this.

Up in arms

I saw a picture of myself that my friend took.  My arms are HUGE!!  I know that I am not just imagining this too, they really are fat and huge.  It's so disgusting and I don't know what to do about it.  If if lift weights more, they'll just get bigger, but then maybe they'll have some definition to them.  If I don't lift more weights, they'll just get flabbier and wave more than they already do.  So, I'm in a lose-lose situation here.  I either have fat arms or I have fat arms!  See the problem?  Ugh!  I can't stand it.  This is all just never ending.

In other news, my friend and I went to go see Rock of Ages last night and REO Speedwagon showed up, sang a song, did a Q&A and took pictures.  It was quite cool.  At least my arms were covered up when those picture were taken.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Annoyed but shouldn't be

I totally should not be annoyed by this, but I am. I went to see Charro today, which meant I had to make up a reason as to why I was going downtown because my friend is staying with me so I didn't want to say, "I'm going to therapy." So, I made up this lame ass reason and I get down to Charro's (had to take the subway b/c it was raining), waited upstairs, outside her door. Finally she called and said that she had dropped her keys in a grate outside and couldn't get into the office. Okay, totally NOT her fault and I feel bad for her, but I was annoyed (am annoyed) by the situation. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. So, I went downstairs into the lobby and called my friend and told her my things got messed up and I could meet her early. I ran into Charro twice while I was standing there so we chatted a little. I didn't want to stand outside because it was raining and I was meeting her at a store and across the street and I didn't want to stand in there for over an hour. Anyway, T (my friend) was supposed to meet me at 1 PM anyway, so I called her at 12:15 and she said she would leave in 5-10 minutes. Well, she would have had to be leaving in 5 minutes anyway to meet me on time. Well, she was 20 minutes late, of course. So now I'm more annoyed. I'm sitting outside in the rain and some girl comes up to and goes, "Can I have some water?" I said, "No!" She said, "But I really want some." I said, "Go over there and buy some!" WTF? Then, I saw Emeril in the store. End of the first part of my annoying day. More annoyances to come, I'm sure. No paragraphs for me in this post either.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Should I just quit?

I'm kind of wondering what the point is in even trying to change.  I don't think I can do it, and I'm not sure that I want to, which I guess is the bigger issue.  Clearly I know that life could probably be better, but I don't think I can change and I'm feeling like I shouldn't even bother trying.  Should I just quit Charro and stop wasting my time (and hers) since I'm not going to "get better" anyway?  If it's not going to happen, why I should I be wasting everyones' time?

I am NOT looking forward to weighing myself in the morning, that's for sure.

Yuckers, yuckers

My fatness has been confirmed.  I just weighed myself.  I weighed myself with clothes on, but they're just workout clothes so they don't weigh too much, which means that I weigh too much.  I am teaching aerobics and playing field hockey today, so hopefully I will burn some good calories, not that that is really going to help.  I just need to not eat.  I've had to eat a lot since Tuesday so I need to not do that.  I hate it.  I have my "official" weigh in tomorrow (here) so if it's bad, Charro and I will have a lot to talk about.  That will NOT be fun. 

Friday, September 24, 2010

Slightly busy

This is really the first time I've sat down and done nothing since Monday.  My friend is here visiting until Tuesday, so I won't be getting much sleep.  I am exhausted right now.  I woke up yesterday and my parents and I got on the train.  We got to my apartment where my friend was waiting for me (she arrived around 2:30 AM), then we went to Little Italy and walked around a bit.  We dropped my rents off at the train station and walked the rest of the way home, (60 blocks) got changed and went to teach aerobics, showered there and went to a concert and got back home after midnight.  I woke up at 7 AM, unwilling, ran to Charro's, walked back and went to the gym, worked, cleaned, walked to school and went to our game, walked back and went to dinner.  Now I'm here...exhausted and FAT!!  I know that it's going to be pretty bad on Monday when I weigh myself.  I can feel myself expanding.  I can see it too. It's awful!

Tomorrow I'm getting up and going to the gym for a quick workout.  Then we are walking to Times Square to try and get student tickets to a show, then we are walking all the way downtown to go to a dumpling festival, candy store and Little Italy again, then we will go to the show...if we get the tickets.  That's a lot of walking and my feet my fall off.  I need to wear my heart rate monitor while walking tomorrow.  I forgot to wear it when I walked to school today.

I can't wait until I'm alone and don't have to eat.

Charro told me that she's going on vacation in a week so I will only see her once.  She comes back and I leave so I won't see her for almost 2 weeks, which is fine, I guess.  I asked her if I should go see Kruger while she's gone.  HA!!  I'm sure she disliked me as much as I disliked her.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

PTSD

I'm feeling gross.  I feel like all I did today was eat.  I had to eat at the office when we all ordered lunch, and then we had a huge company dinner.  I had like 4 meals today.  That's way too much food and I feel like I'm going to have to eat for the next few days, which doesn't make me happy.  Tomorrow, my rents are coming into the city so I will have to eat with them.  I'm thinking that I can get away with skipping dinner and send my friend to eat while I'm teaching aerobics.  I can get out of meals while she's here, I hope.  I don't want food and I don't want to spend money on it.  I probably gained 8 pounds in the past two days, having to eat all of these meals.  It's not fun!

Yay, I can't wait to go to bed tonight.

I have PSTD.  Yesterday, while I was driving, a huge branch fell on my windshield and scared the hell out of me.  I closed my sunroof so I didn't get impaled by one.  Then today, I picked up my co-worker and we were going to the office and it happened again.  It was so loud and I said, "What the fuck was that?!!!!!"  She saw it coming, I guess.  It hit the windshield and roof.  No damage either time, but I'm not sure how that happened.  She did spill her coffee everywhere.  So, tonight I was just driving home from our company dinner and we were getting a pretty bad thunderstorm and I was scared that I tree was going to fall on me because there are trees everywhere, sort of like the woods I guess.  I made it home with no branches or trees falling on me.  I do have PTSD from the past two episodes though.

Ugh, I am so freaking fat right now.  I know it.  I hate it. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Too bad I can't go to sleep

I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead of me.  I am home and so ready for bed but I have to go pick up a co-worker at the airport in 75 minutes.  Tomorrow we have an all day meeting and then company dinner.  Not sure if I will head back to NYC tomorrow night or not, but my friend is flying in at midnight to stay with me for 5 days.  She may have my apartment to herself tomorrow.  She's the one who stayed with me in January and drove me insane.

I am so freaking tired!!

If I don't take the train back tomorrow night, I will go back on Thursday morning with my parents, who are coming for the day.  We will all spend the day at the Italian festival, then I teach and then am going to some concert with my friend.  Charro at 8 AM on Friday (not looking forward to that, by the way.  I got an email from her this morning in response to the email I sent her.  ugh).  Then I have a game Friday.  Saturday morning practice, then the dumpling festival.  I am never going to get sleep. 

I think I'll go clean out under my bed because my parents are going to paint my room. 

Monday, September 20, 2010

Crappy sesh with Charro

My sesh with Charro sucked today.  I don't think I wanted to be there in the first place.  I walked there, which probably helped with my stupid cramps.  They went away halfway through my walk there, though the aspirin might have been to thank for that.  I had no energy on my walk either.  So, it was a long walk.  I cut my workout short this morning because I had NO energy.  I thought about not walking to Charro's but I had to since I cut my workout short.

So, I got there and started reading off of the sheet of paper she gave me.  I have to write down my "Eating Disordered" behaviors and my "Healthy" ones.  My list of ED ones was pretty long.  I was already in a crappy mood but reading the list made me feel much crappier.  I didn't look at Charro very much at all during my sesh.  I just stared into space or at the paper, or hid behind my hair.  I just felt like I sucked and couldn't do anything right and that there is no point in even trying to "get better."  So, that's where I am. 

I don't see Charro again until Friday and my friend will be staying with me for 5 days, so I can't even come back and listen to our sesh before our following sesh.  I will have to fake a good mood if I'm not in one too. 

I don't know if I should email Charro and tell her about all the thoughts and feelings I was having.  I know I won't bring them up on Friday.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Another nutty dream

Here's another crazy dream to add to the list of my crazy dreams.  I dreamt that I went to the doctor's office with my friend P.  She had an appoint and I don't really know if I had an appointment or not, but I don't think I did.  I was sitting in the waiting room and this really well known ED doctor comes out and goes, "Palm, you can come with me."  I was all confused.  I knew who she was, but how did she know who I was and why was she coming out to get me.  My friend P was still sitting there and got called into her doctor shortly after.  She didn't know who the doc who came to get me was, thank goodness.  (This is a doctor who Charro works with at the day program she works at).  She took me in and said, "Charro wanted me to see you."  I got a little freaked out by that.  She asked me a few questions and then sent me off for a long evaluation.  As I was walking out to meet with someone else, who happened to be the athletic trainer at the school I work at, I saw my friend P.  She was done with her appointment so I said that I would be a few minutes.  She didn't know what was going on either.  So I went into this recording studio with K. (the trainer) and she gave me all these sheets of papers to fill out.  When I walked into the studio I said, "I'm not talking into the microphone.  I've done that before.  I worked in radio before so there's no need for me to try it out now."  I was afraid they were trying to trick me to speak into the mic so they could record me.  I sat down and started filling out all of the paperwork.  K. was sitting there and I was a little concerned that she now know that I had an ED.  I said, "You wouldn't know if you didn't see me here, would you?"  She said, "No, I wouldn't have." 

The paperwork was extensive.  It was taking a long time so I finally asked if I could go tell my friends (P. and someone else) not to wait for me because I didn't know how long I would be.  I was also trying to figure out what I was going to tell them about why I was there and why I was taking so long.  I actually thought about sneaking out at that time too, but the doctor was watching me.  So, I told them and then went back in to finish the paperwork. 
I think I woke up at that point.  Ugh, Charro's going to love this one.  She'll say, "You have a lot of dreams that your in treatment, or in a hospital.  What do you think that's about?"  I know her too well.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

No nocciola

First let me say that my feet are going to fall off!!  I just clocked how far we walked tonight and it cam out to 7 miles.  My feet are NOT happy.  I am going to bed soon too.

So, we walked to Little Italy, met up with some other friends and grabbed dinner.  Then my friend and I walked up to this new Italian market/eatery to get gelato.  Well, we got there, after complaining about our aching feet, her swollen ankle, my bloated stomach that I want to stick a pin in and pop, and how we both felt like we were going to throw up and that it might possibly happen after eating gelato.  I said, "I don't even want this stupid gelato, but we're walking there so I am going to get it.  I don't think my stomach is going to be too happy with it."  (my stomach was not feeling great.  I'm waiting for my stupid "visitor," if you will).  So, we get to the gelato place and it is PACKED!!  We decided we were just going to go to the bathroom and then leave.  Then we walked around for a second and she goes, "That guy over there is cute."  I said, "You mean the one sitting next to Lidia."  (The Italian chef).  She goes, "Yeah, that must be her son.  I didn't even see her."  I go, "Is that really her?"  She goes, "Yeah" and we both cracked up.  I thought the lady just looked like her, but it was her, which makes sense because her son is part owner and she does cooking classes there.  I met her the day the store opened.  Anyway, then we started to leave and I said, "Let's just get the gelato, the line is shorter and it moves quickly.  I don't really want it, but we're here."  So, we got in line and when I got up to order I asked for my flavor and they didn't have it.  So, we left!  I was like, "I'm not getting any then!"  My stomach is probably grateful for that.  I wasn't too upset either because I didn't need the calories or fat.

Now I am hope and I don't want to get up to brush my teeth because my feet hurt.  Wah. :)  I need a massage.  Too bad the Aussie isn't here to give me one.

Plums are yum

We had our second game today.  That's enough about that.


I came home and tried to take a nap.  I have to shower and then am going to the Italian Festival in Little Italy.  I think my friend and I are walking there.  It's under 5 miles.  We may walk back too, depending upon how we feel.  No, she doesn't have an ED, just enjoys walking.  I figure that I need to walk if I'm going to eat a real meal and possibly a dessert of some sort.  Disordered, yes, I know.  I just thought about it for a second, and I don't even feel like walking.  Oh well.

I brought a mini bagel and a plum to the game with me, since we were going to be gone for 5 hours.  I ate my plum and half of my mini bagel.  I decided that I shouldn't eat anymore of it because I would be having carbs tonight so I shouldn't eat them for lunch.  Charro's going to love that one.  I put that one down on the list of "ED" stuff.  I'm going to hear it when I tell her that one.

I'm going home on Tuesday.  I haven't been home in a month.  I haven't seen my rents in a month.  Let's hope they don't say anything stupid to me.  I don't know what I weigh so I don't know if I lost weight.  I'm sure I haven't because I look pretty fat in the stomach area, and even if I did, which I didn't, it wouldn't only be a pound.

I need to do something productive but I don't feel like it.  I'm drinking tea.  I'm tired.  My cold seems to be going away but I'm wiped from it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Walking as exercise...not in this case

Why does Charro think that walking is exercise??  I mean, yes, if you are not accustom to working out in the way that an athlete works out, then yes, walking is a work out.  When it is your means of transportation and how you have to get from point A to point B, then no, it is not a work out.  If I don't have to wear workout clothes to do it, then it's not a work out.

My point being is that I walk to her office three times a week.  One office is 3.5 miles away.  (I usually run to that one and then take the subway back).  Her other office is 2.6 miles round trip and I walk there and back.  Then I have to walk to school and back which is another 2.2 miles.  So, some days I'm walking 4.5 miles and other days I'm walking over 5 miles, but that's not a work out to me.  She insists it is.  So she thinks it's all disordered of me to go to the gym and work out when I'm "walking so much."  I think that she just doesn't get it because she, as far as I know, was not an athlete. 

She must be so sick of me. 

I got stuck in a huge freaking storm last night and now my phone doesn't work.  It's in a bucket of rice.  I got to the gym and was completely soaked, like I had gone swimming.  I had to throw the clothes that I could in the dryer, along with my socks and sneakers.  Then, no one showed up to take class.  Awesome! 

I need a nap.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Zapped

This cold has zapped my appetite.  I'm totally okay with that.  Too bad I can't weigh myself to see if it's made me weigh less.  I'm totally wiped out too.  I need to take a nap.

I just realized that I really have nothing else to say.  How exciting.  I should eat lunch but I'm really not hungry for anything.  I'll just clean or sleep.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Bring me your HRM!

I've determined that I think I'm getting a cold.  I'm stuffy, tired and not hungry.  Sounds like a cold to me.  Oh well, it's all good.

Had my sesh with Charro this morning.  We shook hands on the not weighing, except she said, "Okay, you won't weigh yourself until next Wednesday." I said, "NO!! You said Monday."  She said, "No, we said a week and a week from today is Wednesday."  I said, "But I started this on Monday."  She finally agreed with me but did state how she thought she would push me a little more.  I am not even seeing her next Wednesday because I won't be here.

We went over my list of ED vs Healthy things again.  She made faces and seemed like she just didn't know what to do or say.  She just kind of wanted to move on to the next one.  I don't mean that in a negative way, like she didn't care or anything, more of a I am not quite sure what to do with you way.  I wasn't offended is what I am trying to say.  I will continue with the list.

Again she told me that she wants me heart rate monitor and that I need to bring it on on Friday and she will stick it in her draw.  I told her that I need it and she can't have it.  I'm not sure if she's expecting it on Friday or not, but she won't get it.

We have our first game today and we have to play a girl down.  Oh well.  We'll get killed but it's okay.  I really just want to take a nice long nap in the sun right now.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Cold or allergies?

I'm feeling incredibly huge right now, and if I were able to weigh myself then I'd probably find out that it's not just a feeling, it's the truth.

I'm not sure if I'm getting a cold or if I have allergies.  What I do know is that my nose is stuffed up.

My cats love me!  They are cute.  I love them.

Can I live off protein shakes for a while? 

Hopefully I'll get really tired so I can go to bed soon.  Yay for sleeping in my new, soft sheets.

I will have to walk a different way to Charro's office tomorrow so she doesn't see me.  She told me that I bob my head like a pigeon when I walk.  I got mad at her and told her that I don't.  She kept saying that I did that with my head because she knew it was getting me mad. 

I'm still after writing this post.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Confiscated

I ran to Charro's this morning.  I got there and went to the bathroom, like I usually do, and then filled up my water bottle.  Well, I didn't get a chance to turn off my heart rate monitor because she came out early to get me, while I was filling up my bottle.  Anyway, I knew this was going to be an issue because it beeps when I turn it off so she'd know I was wearing it.  I sat down and tried to turn it off discreetly, but she heard it beeping.  Ugh, so she knew I had it on and was asking why I need to wear it.  Then she tried to get me to give it to her.  She goes, "You know what?"  I cut her off and said, "No! No! No!" and sat on my bag.  She goes, "I should confiscate it.  That would be really good for you.  On Wednesday you're handing it over."  I told her that I am not doing that.  Well, actually I'm not quite sure that those were my words, I think I tried to change the topic instead, but that didn't work.  Then we went over a list of things that I wrote down.  It was a sheet she gave to me.  I had to list "Healthy" behaviors and "ED" ones.  So, we went over that and she said that I need to change one behavior this week.  I told her that I wouldn't weigh myself.  She said, "You cannot weigh yourself until next Monday.  We're going to shake on this!"  I just remembered that we didn't shake on it. :)  I'll have to remind her of that.

Right now I need to shower.  Perhaps I will continue with this later.

Oh yeah, she wanted me to NOT go to the gym this week.  I said, "At all?" and she said, "Yes."  I told her that that was not happening.  So then she said that she was going to say that I should not go to the gym if I don't want to go, but she wasn't so sure that I could do that and differentiate between the two.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Productivity

I woke up this morning and actually thought my stomach looked skinny, like I could see my ribs skinny.  I still felt the need to weigh myself.  It's amazing what losing a pound can do for ya.  I can totally see the difference. 

I had a productive day.  I taught aerobics, went to a street fair, bought sheets for $20, which will probably rip in a day, washed the sheets and some clothes, made sauce, cleaned my tub, made my bed, made dinner for my friend, ate dinner, hung out, cleaned pans, and now this.  Not that I needed to write all of that out.

I feel like I gained a lot of weight eating dinner.  I want to weigh myself but I won't.  Obviously the only weighing myself on Fridays thing came to an end a while ago.  Yeah, oh well.  I'm running to Charro's tomorrow, at a new time which is weird, then I will buy some fruit and that's about it.  I can't wait to sleep in my new sheets.

I woke up last night drenched in sweat.  I was soaking wet and so was my sheet near my neck.  Am I having hot flashes or something?  What the heck.

All done.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9/11 (Click on pics to enlarge)

The "Beams of Light:" Remembering 9/11/01- Taken last night while they were testing the lights.
Beams of Light on the left, Empire State building in red, white and blue (Hard to see)
Beam and Empire State Building to the right

Banana bread

I was all excited to bake and make banana bread and now I don't want to do it...now that I got all of the ingredients ready.  I just don't want it in my apartment.  I wanted something sweet before but now that craving is gone.  I was thinking about how I'd like to devour the entire thing and then be able to puke it up, but I couldn't do that. 

Okay, I need to go make it because everything is out.  Maybe I'll finish this post after.

K, made the BB and am now watching "The Brady Bunch Movie" and "March of the Penguins."  I LOVE penguins.  I lead an exciting life.

Friday, September 10, 2010

A long day, but fun

I got an early start to the day.  I headed out to shoot a segment for Comedy Central.  Yes people, I will be on a show on Comedy Central in 2011.  :)  Let's hope they don't cut me out.  So, I woke up at 5:30 AM, reported to my pick-up are, got in the van and went to the location.  I reported to wardrobe when I got there and got my uniform.  (I was playing a high school field hockey player).  They had to pin it a bit because the shirt was too big.  They also wanted the kilts to be really showing some leg so they hiked mine up to my chest, quite literally, and pinned it up there, but it started to slide back down.  The kilt was a little big and they wanted it up high because we were supposed to be showing a lot of skin.  It was funny.

So, we ran some field hockey drills and took some pictures for the segment, as they taped up and took pictures.  It was a fun day.  I can't wait to see the finished product and the show when it airs.  I need to get some more of these acting gigs.

I'm going to bed and there is some sort of rager outside my window.  I might need to close it so I can sleep.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

This is a little bit funny

I'm sitting in my sesh with Charro yesterday and she said, "I have a frog in my throat.  A lot of people are sick."  Then she knocked on the desk twice.  Well, after knocking she paused and then goes, "Who's there?"  I looked at her and we both started laughing.  My look must have been classic, like the did you just do that look.  Ha.  Then she goes, "You know you're going to listen to that (b/c I tape my sesh's) and start laughing."  Yep, that is what will happen.  She's nuts!

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

"I saw you walking"

I had my sesh with Charro this morning.  I walk there.  This particular office is only 15 blocks and 5 avenues.  Translation - it's 1.33 miles...not far by any means.  Anyway, we were talking about something, I can't remember what right now, and she said, "I saw you walking, by the way, and you were speed walking."  Oh, we were talking about how I was going to the gym and then playing field hockey tonight.  She was saying how I had walked there (and would walk back), and to her that is enough of a workout.  Well, it's not a workout at all.  So she said she saw me and that I was speed walking.  Actually, I wasn't speed walking because she must have seen me by the building and by the time I had gotten near the building I had slowed down my pace because I was early.  So, she should see me when I'm really speed walking, then we'd have something to talk about.  It just sounded funny when she said that she saw me walking.  I deliberately looked around too, to see if she was nearby because I know she just coming in for the morning and that we're coming from the same direction.  I saw her on the street a few weeks ago walking and it made me nervous (well, nervous is the wrong word), it was just weird.  I was on the opposite side of the street though, and I made sure I didn't look her way.  She was walking with someone anyway.

So, we talked about this huge list of things I wrote down.  She wants me to save it and bring it in all of the time.  She wrote some things down from my list so she would remember them. Then she gave me a little sheet of paper to do some homework thing on.  I see her again on Friday.

I don't want to go to practice today.  I will go straight to my field hockey from there.  I'll be starving but it is what it is.  Oh well.  At least I found a place where I can get Italian ice near me if I want it.  Yay!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Time with the Aussie

I can't wait to go to bed.  I've been running around all weekend and today.  I didn't get much sleep this weekend.  I ended up spending 4 days with the Aussie.  He came over and laid out with me on Sunday but then had to leave to meet work people for dinner, so I sort of got to bed early Sunday night.  Yesterday, I went to the beach and then went right to his hotel because it was across from the train station.  I didn't get home until 11:30 PM, so I was tired again.  Of course I woke up at 7 AM for no reason other than my shades making too much noise in the wind and it being too bright in my apartment.  He told me that my legs were "massive."  I am not making that up.  He actually said, "Your legs are massive," as he grabbed my thigh.  I know he meant it in a nice way, but still.  He kept telling me how he's never seen anyone as fit as I am, blah blah. 

I was expecting to eat dinner with him last night.  I got to his hotel room around 4:30 and I was hungry.  We talked about getting food but it never happened.  He had not had a bite of anything all day.  I told him that he needed to eat.  We kept talking about going to get something to eat but we never did.  Finally it was too late to eat so I'm glad he didn't want anything.  I was hungry but started thinking that I couldn't eat that late anyway.  I did have a yogurt when I got home because I hadn't eaten since 1 PM that day, and that was an English muffin with peanut butter.  So, I was starving but didn't really want to eat because I was afraid to eat, but I knew I should have a little something, so I did.  He flew out this morning so I won't see him again.  He wanted me to stay over at the hotel, but let's be real, I just met him on Friday night so that was not going to happen.  Thank God I have cats as a reason to get home.  :)

So, that's it.  I see Charro early tomorrow morning.  I am going to get ready for bed and hopefully sleep very nicely through the night.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

The past three days

Let's see, I think I haven't written since yesterday, not Friday, so it really hasn't been three days.  I think I left out the funniest part of my "date" with the Aussie on Friday night.  I was wearing a little black dress, or as Charro once referred to them as "LBD," but she had to explain because I had no idea what she was talking about, and walked over a subway grate.  Well, I forgot that I probably shouldn't do that because of the "Marilyn Monroe Affect."  Well, that's what happened.  My dress flew way up into the air and, well let's just say that the people behind me saw a lot more of me than they bargained for.  There was definitely full moon over Manhattan, and it wasn't pretty.  I could not turn back because I was mortified.  The one time I don't wear real freaking underwear.  [Geez].

Yesterday, hmmm, hung out with my friend who just got back from Italy and then the Aussie texted me and wanted to meet up.  So, he came out my way and we had dinner and then he was here until 2:30 AM.  Needless to say, I'm a little sleepy because I do not go to bed that late.

This morning, went to teach aerobics, no one showed up, I worked out, did some errands, and the Aussie texted me again and said he'd like to join me on my roof.  Okay!  He just left and I just showered.  He has a work dinner.  I think I'll see him again tomorrow night before he jets off.

I'm going to bed early.  He commented on my body and said he's never seen anyone as fit as me.  Of course I don't believe it because to me my stomach is fat.  I know it's not nearly as flat as it has been in the past. 

I feel like baking, but don't know what to bake.  I'd make a blueberry buckle but I don't have enough blueberries.  Besides, I don't need to eat it.  Maybe I can think of something fun to bake that has no calories.  Probably not, unless it comes with no taste.

K, beach tomorrow.  Yay!

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Time to get outside

I think serious boredom might set in this weekend.  Today and tomorrow I have nothing to do, but teach an aerobics class.  Monday I am going to the beach, so that will be nice...and crowded.  Ugh!  I am going to lay out today, but that will be boring.  I need to go to the store and return something, which I can do later, so that will take an hour out of my day.  Fun!

I went out with an Australian guy last night.  I have friends who live there and he was here visiting so she hooked up us.  We had dinner and walked around a bit and then he got gelato.  I passed on that, though tasted his and it was amazing.  Maybe I'll get it for lunch someday.  The walking was good, but I was a bit sore after because I did not have the proper shoes on.  Well, sore is the wrong word, my legs were tired and my feet were sore, but walking was good for obvious reasons.

Charro dyed her hair reddish-brown, so I'm trying to get used to that. 

I need to work out harder and more and run more.  I feel, and look, like I'm out of shape and I do not like that one bit.  Since I apparently "don't see" what I "really" look like, I wish I could see it for about 5 seconds so I know.  Of course, I think I see the truth.

Okay, I need to go enjoy this beautiful day.  I ran by the river this morning and that was nice.  Well, as nice as running can be.  Ha!

Friday, September 03, 2010

A list of goals? Nah.

I'm still in a yucky mood a bit.  I think I got into a yucky mood when I was with Charro.  I don't know why.  I caught a glimpse of my arms in the mirror when I was leaving for Charro's, which didn't help.  She was 10 minutes late, which was fine, but then I get jipped out of 10 minutes.  That isn't why I'm in a yucky mood though.  I'm okay with that because I understand that things happen.  She did say, "I owe you 5 minutes." 

Anyway, she wants me to make a list of my "therapy goals."  I don't want to.  I don't have goals.  I don't know what they are.  I think part of my yuckiness is do to the fact I want to be skinny, but I don't want to have to live this way.  It's not fun and it sucks.  I think I'm going to make a list of all the things I suck at.  That's productice. ;)  I can bring it into Charro's on Wednesday.  So, I think that's why I'm in a yucky mood...plus I am not happy with my weight. 


I just wish I could either eat whatever I wanted to, or not eat at all.  Why can't it be easier?  I don't want to be like this, yet I don't want to give it up either.  I mean really, if I'm going to be "anorexic" shouldn't I at least be really skinny?  One would think.

I gotta take my contacts out, they're killing me.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Stuffy in here

I don't know why it's always 6,000 degrees in my apartment when I have the AC on full blast.  That's awesome.

I have to go teach class and I think one of the managers, or former manager, is coming to take and observe.  I plan on making it very challenging.  He's probably in his early 50's and I don't want him there.  I want to see him suffer.  It's going to be hotter than hell in there too, so that won't help the situation.

My apartment is a dump.  I haven't been around to clean it all week, so I started doing that a little bit today.  I need to vacuum tonight when I get home.  My apartment is so hot and stuffy and it will be nice to be able to open the windows tomorrow.

I feel huge, which is going to suck when I teach.  There's nothing worse (well, there is) than having to see yourself in a mirror for an hour when you feel/look huge.  I was supposed to loose weight this week because I was active, but that didn't happen.

It would really be nice if my AC blew out COLD air instead of hot air.  That might help.

Charro tomorrow.

I wonder how many calories italian ice has.  I'm going to look it up.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I shouldn't, but I do

I should just not weigh myself.  I know this, but I continue to do it.  I didn't weigh myself yesterday, but I did today and I was NOT happy.  I was happy on Monday when I weighed myself.  Charro doesn't know that I'm weighing myself every day again.  (she hasn't asked).  She kept saying that I could weigh myself if I want to, so I am.  I know she was trying to use reverse psychology, but it didn't work. :)

I'm pissed about my stupid insurance situation and I told Charro that. I told her that it makes me want to say "screw it" and not even go see her anymore.  She, of course, wants to "talk about that on Friday."  Of course she does.  I won't bring it up because I don't think it's necessary, but I wonder if she will.

I do not feel like going to practice again today.  Stupid other coach will be there.  She texts me non-stop, which is so annoying.  I hate texting.  Just pick up the phone and call if you have questions!!!

I need to eat breakfast, get ready and leave in a half hour.  I'm not hungry so I don't want to eat.  I am dehydrated so I need to drink a lot of water.  I got an Italian ice last night when I was walking home from downtown.  (It was so humid and 90 degrees).  It was the best thing ever.  I'd been craving one for two months but whenever I really wanted one I couldn't find them anywhere.  Well, found it last night and it felt so nice and cold going down.  Yum.  I think I should just eat Italian ices.

I guess I should get ready.