Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Tired and sad

I'm tired and I'm sad.  I had a really long day yesterday and this morning I was outside in the 100 degree temperatures for too long.  Whatever.

I'm sad about my friend who was killed.  She was a wonderful woman.  They suspect her ex-husband.  How can one hate another so much that they have to kill that person?  Either that or the person was seriously mentally ill.  It's so sad.  If it was the ex, the poor son now has no mother and will have a father in jail.  I feel horrible for that little boy.  Just awful.  :(

I have time for a 15 minute cat nap.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Yucky today

I'm in a yucky mood and I don't really know why.  I guess it's a bunch of little things.  First the annoying coach who I got to see first thing this morning.  After practice I walked 60 blocks to Charro.  I wasn't hungry but it wa 1 PM and I knew I needed to eat, so I picked up a salad by Charro's office, at which point I became very hungry.  I didn't have time to eat so I didn't eat my salad.  By the time I got into Charro's office I was starving.  I guess it makes sense, since all I had was my little bowl cereal at 7:30 this morning.  So, I was hungry and not in a good mood and then I found out that I can no longer do my double sesh on Mondays because my stupid insurance changed and Charro can't write down that I come three days a week and not two.  (Meaning that she can't split up the time on the receipt).  So, while I expected that to be the case, I am still bummed about it.  I really like the double because I feel like I have more time to open up and I get more accomplished.  So, that just sucks!!

Next week I will only see Charro once because of Labor Day and then I won't be here on Friday to see her when I usually see her.

So, I left my sesh with Charro, ate some of my salad in the park, got off the subway and had a text from my friend saying that she thinks that one of our friends passed away.  I called her and got some info, but she didn't know anything other than what someone had written on the woman's FB wall.  So, I got home and googled it and found out that she had been shot.  Someone shot her.  She has an 8 year old son.  So sad. :(

Now I have to go teach aerobics and I don't feel like it and then go to a friend's apartment because she wants me to meet some guy, but I don't feel like going.  Blah.  That's it.  I'm just kind of in a yucky mood for all sorts of reasons.

I hit myself in the ankle with my field hockey stick.  I must have hit myself harder than I thought because it kind of hurts when I walk.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Let the fun begin...

I can't stand the girl who I coach with.  I have to see her tomorrow.  Ugh!  She texted me to see if I can get there at 8 AM to chat?  I responded by saying that I could get there shortly after.  (Um, if you want to talk, call me!!)  She just texted me and asked me when I could get there.  So, I shut off my phone and pretended like I'm sleeping.  I really can NOT stand her.  She's not mean at all, just highly annoying, loud, thinks she's fantastic and knows everything about field hockey, and she doesn't!!  It some how needs to come out that I'm a two time All-American field hockey play and am being inducted into my college hall of fame.  It's not like I'm going to come out and say that, because I don't talk about myself like that because I get embarrassed, but it totally needs to come out.  I want to be like, "Listen here honey, I know way more about field hockey than you do so get over yourself.  You played goalie so don't try to pretend like you know what's going on with field positioning and set up and offense.  Buh bye!!"  (Can you tell that I can't stand her!?!).  So off to bed I go for my crazy busy day.  Hopefully I'll have enough time to walk to Charro's.  I should have enough time.  I guess I'll have to get something to eat at some point too, if I have time, because I'll eat breakfast at 7:30 and then won't get back home until after 3:30 PM.  Hmmm.  I don't really have anything to bring with me.

K, really going to bed now.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Did I really do that?

Everyone is gone from my apartment and it is nice.  My parents and my nephews came last night, then we met up with my brother in law while my parents were at the show I sent them to for their anniversary.  The boys got some gelato.  I did not for three reasons.  1. it was expensive.  2.  I wasn't hungry.  3.  I couldn't see eating all that fat and calories for nothing. 

This morning I went out and got breakfast for everyone and we ate on my roof.  I actually ate a bagel with peanut butter without Charro sitting next to me.  I figured that I should eat something "normal" because I didn't want looks or comments from my parents.  It kept me full until 2:30, which was good.  I don't think I'll need much more food today.

I laid out for a bit and then went rollerblading.  Now I need to go get a shade for my window.  Fun and exciting.

Monday is a crazy day.  I have practice from 9-12, which means I'll be gone from 8:15-1 PM.  Charro at 2 PM, I think.  She just emailed me and said I could come at 2 PM instead of 4 PM, because I usually go at 9 AM, but had to change it to 2 PM but then she had to change it to 4 PM and now she can do 2 again.  What!? Ha!  So I want 2 PM.  Then I have to teach aerobics and then go to my friends for some Rock band! 

And so the hectic schedule of field hockey starts, which means that I might lost a pound or two, even if I'm not trying to.  Okay, I know what Charro would say to that.  "That means you have to eat more."  Well, I'm okay losing a pound or two.  She is going to fall out of her chair when I tell her what I had for breakfast this morning.  Ooh, I just thought of something I want to bring up with her on Monday.  I better write it down.  I discussed my insurance situation with her as well.  Hopefully she will have a good answer for me on Monday.

K, I need to shower so I can go to the store.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dumb insurance and no doc

No crazy dreams last night.  I wish I had slept longer, but the shining sun woke me up.  I won't complain because it's absolutely beautiful out...a little chilly, but it will be 80.  It's going to be in the 90s again, which I love!

Well, this morning my weight was close to where I like it.  That made me happy.  I'm sure it won't be that way tomorrow because I have to go out to dinner tonight.  I guess I shouldn't care about the number so much, but I do. 

My rents and nephews are sleeping here tonight.  I don't how 5 of us will sleep in one room.  My cats won't be too thrilled about this.  I need to clean, run the dishwasher, maybe do some laundry, go see Charro, rollerblade, lay out and shower before they come.

So my insurance changed on me last month.  WTF?  So not I am not getting as much coverage.  I called the company and the lady asked me if I had gotten the letter about the lawsuit (which is why it changed), and I said, "no."  She goes, "A lot of people didn't get it."  Um, hello!  So, I need to talk to Charro about that and I'm probably going to have to drop the double sesh.  :(  Then, I called my doctor because I needed some paperwork filled out for the school I coach at, and she's no longer with the practice.  WTF?  Don't they usually notify you of that??  So now my insurance sucks more, and I have no doctor.  Well, I guess I could go to where she went to, but it's farther away.  Blah.

Shiites, I should have gone to see Lady Antebellum in Central Park.  I'd have to leave to get to Charro anyway, so I guess it would be pointless.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Another dream for Charro to analyze

So I had another crazy dream last night.  It kind of makes sense because I've been talking to Laura (Now is Now) a little bit here and there.  Without further adieu...

I had a dream I was IP and Charro was my T/nutritionist.  A bunch of the girls and I were laying on this huge bed eating our snacks.  Well, I did not want to eat my snack so I was trying to pull some shenanigans and Charro caught me.  She wrote "A snack incomplete" on a little pad of paper.  I think I was freaking out at some point and throwing a small fit, but I can't really remember.  Then, it was time for dinner.  Charro walked me to the table and told me that I was going to have to eat a Special K bar since I had not eaten my snack.  I thought, oh good, that's only 90 calories, the snack was much more than that.  So, dinner consisted of a Special K Bar, a big plate of ziti, and something else that I can't remember right now but I could when I first woke up.  I looked at Charro and said, "My macaroni is so much better than this.  Look at the sauce."  (In real life I am very picky about my sauce.  I NEVER, EVER ate "fake" sauce, (sauce out of a jar).  I've always had homemade and now that I'm "grown up," I make my own and it's way better than my mom's).  She said, "You have to eat all of it."  I didn't want to eat anything. 

I don't remember what happened after that.  I woke up.  I think I forgot a lot of the dream.  Charro will ask me, "What do you think that means?"  I don't know!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm back in NYC.  Drove home yesterday afternoon and made it back fast.  It was a nice drive, better than the rainy one on the way up.  I just got back to the city and am going to chill or a bit.

I was at my gym at home this morning and Dr. Phil came one.  Well, it was about a girl with anorexia.  Yay, it gave me something to do for an hour.  I had already been working out or a little bit so I had to stay longer to watch it.  I wondered if my mom had it on because she always has that channel on in the morning, but then switches to watch Regis. 

My shoulders are shot from carrying all my stuff from the train.  It's good for me.

My kitties are happy that I'm home.

Well, that was pointless for me to write.  I need to run more because my legs are getting bigger.  My hamthighs are become more meaty.  UGH!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Hello Latham

First things first, I want to give a shout out to the person who reads my blog from Latham, NY because I'm in your neck of the woods.  Saw the signs while I was driving and thought of you...whomever you are.

Okay, secondly, I had my bagel with Charro this morning.  I picked them up, 2 whole wheat toasted with peanut butter.  They were much smaller than the ones she brought two weeks ago (THANK GOD) and had much less peanut butter too.  So, it wasn't bad.  I was hungry too, which helped.  The fact that they were so much smaller was really helpful.  Unfortunately, I was hungry a few hours later. 

So, I put the bagels on the table and Charro said, "Do we have to do a little switch-a-roo?"  I said, "If you want."  She trusted me, so she didn't.  They were both the same anyway.  Then she said, "peanut butter!  I thought you were going to challenge yourself?"  I said, "I am." 

I had my computer with me, since I was leaving on a business trip from there, so I showed her pictures of my Italy trip.  She's from the Venice area, so she enjoyed looking at the pictures.  She said, "You DO take a lot of pictures.  You're a real documenter."

After my sesh I took the train home and then drove up to NY (upstate), and that's where I am right now.  I'm sitting in my hotel room.  I had the convention this afternoon and then for 3 hours tomorrow, and then I will drive back home, sleep home, go back to NYC on Wed. 

My co-worker and I went to dinner with some other people.  I was SO incredibly full that I actually felt like I was going to throw up.  I don't even think I ate that much, but I felt ill.  I'm glad that feeling past.

So now I'm sort of catching up on things, heading to bed and working out in the morning and then shopping.  Well, I'm not buying anything,

That's the dealio.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Minor meltdown

I am having a bit of a minor meltdown today.  Clearly the post before this shows some of that, but I'm never eating again.  I'm not going to talk about my weight right now, maybe in a few.

I went to the gym, taught class, said goodbye to my friend who is moving to Italy, showered, and went on a date.  The guy I went out with asked if we could meet at a diner because he wanted to get something to eat.  It was originally just going to be coffee.  I thought I was going to have to eat lunch and then have to go out to dinner 4.5 hours later.  Anyway, I went to the diner and he was like "you can get something if you are hungry."  So, I looked at the menu and just ordered fruit, even though I was hungry because I didn't want to get an omelette and be full for dinner.  So, I he and I ate a little fruit and he got a salad.  He gave me 2 slices of chicken from his salad, a slice of avocado, and half and egg white.  So, I ate that.  I could deal with that. 

I got home from the date and opened an email from my friend saying that she would have to cancel our dinner for tonight.  At least I don't have to eat now.

I would really like to email Charro and tell her that I don't want eat bagels tomorrow.  I can't.  I'm too fat.  I can't email her and tell her that though.  I can't tell her that I had a meltdown this morning about my weight and having to eat and not wanting to.  I figure I'll eat the stupid bagel and then I won't have to eat anymore.  That's it.  I can starve myself after that if I want to.  I'll have work dinners this week, but they know I don't really eat so I can get away with just salads.  This all sucks and I HATE being so freaking fat right now.   I can't deal.  I cannot deal with this dumb bagel tomorrow either.  Cream cheese of peanut butter?  Ahh!

Just keep getting fatter

I don't really have anything more to say other than I am getting fatter, and fatter and fatter.  I can't deal.  I'm supposed to go out to dinner with a friend tonight, but I just asked her if we could postpone it until after she gets back from her trip.  I've never cancelled in a situation like this before, and I'll go, but I just feel like I can't eat right now.  I don't think I've ever felt this way before.  She's one of my best friends so I don't want to blow her off.  I HATE doing that to people.  I told her that I still want to hang out, just not go out to eat.  I can't eat.  Plus I have that stupid bagel breakfast with Charro tomorrow, and then I'll have to eat on my business trip until Wednesday.  Thursday I won't have to eat but Friday night I will because my parents are coming to the city.  Next week, I start coaching so I will be more active and hopefully eating less.  Hopefully I will lose a couple of pounds.

Yesterday, I went to visit these guys I know who own a store.  I popped in to say hi and one of them said, "You're not eating.  Give her some money so she can eat. (to my dad)."  Well, I'm clearly eating because I keep getting FATTER!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Wow! That was fun!!

I had my alumni field hockey game today.  I LOVE this day more than anything.  I LOVE it.  Anyway, got there and they were about to start and taking a big team picture.  My coach was like, "Hurry, we're taking our picture.  Did you just get off the train?"  I was like no.  So we took the picture and then she pulled me out of the crowd and announced to everyone that I was being inducted into the hall of fame.  Yes, slightly embarrassing.  Then she made all of the alumni take a picture with me and then she made me take a picture with the current team.  I was informed of my induction to the Hall of Fame two months ago, I think.  I was SOOOO EXCITED.  I was having a very crappy week so that made me very, very happen.  I'm honored.

So, we played for 70 minutes and it rocked.  I got some blood on the knees, an assist and a goal.  I HAD A BLAST!!  After I scored the goal my coach yelled, "Hall of Famer with the goal.  She shot that between her legs."  Ha!  I thought, "I did?"  I have no idea what I do when I do things, I just do them.  Needless to say, I HAD A BLAST!!

I am SO freaking exhausted right now.  My knee is swollen and feels weird, though I'm not sure why.  I just want to sleep.  I'm supposed to go out tonight with my friend who's moving and a bunch of others, but I don't think that's going to happen.  I won't get back to my apartment until 10 PM.

Now I have to run to a friend's house and then go catch the train.  I just want to sleep.

I freaking love playing some seriously competitive field hockey!

Oh, one of the ladies who works at the school, and I became friends with, said to me, "You dropped a bunch of weight since I saw you last."  I said, "I did?"  She said, "Well, actually before the last time I saw you because you looked like this last year.  You look great."  I said, "So, what does that mean?  I was huge before?"  She said, "No, you were never huge."  Hmmm.

K, Gotta go.

Friday, August 20, 2010

More bagels on Monday

Had a good sesh with Charro this morning, in a different office than the one we're usually in on Fridays.  I liked this one better.  It was warmer.  The other offices in this building (day treatment program building), are very, well, bland and boring.  This one felt more "homey."  I walked in a scoped it out or a few minutes and made a few faces.  Later on she said, "You like this office.  I can tell."  It has a scale and "the charts!"

I'm going to see Charro an hour earlier on Monday, and I'm bringing bagels.  Not sure if I'll do cream cheese or peanut butter.  I feel like peanut butter has more nutritional benefits, but it's also loaded with fat.  However, cream cheese is pretty fattening too, and doesn't really have any nutritional value.  I can't get a low-fat version either and put it on mine because Charro is going to play around with them and spin them all around so I don't get a specific one.  She really doesn't trust me.  I wonder if she would notice the difference between full fat and low-fat???  What do ya think?

Or, so this is a motive behind my bagel breakfast.  First of all, I feel the need to reciprocate, since she bought breakfast last time.  Secondly, and now here is my motive, I will be on the go for the rest of the day, so having this bagel will keep me full until dinner so I won't have to eat all day. :)  I know, probably not the point.

I'm meeting my family at Yankee Stadium in a little bit and then driving home with them.  I have my alumni game tomorrow.  Woo hoo!!  I probably won't be able to move for a week after.  Oh well.  Teaching class on Sunday should be interesting.

Monday, after Charro, I am going upstate but I don't know how I'm getting there.  Ha.  I'm either getting back on the train and home and then flying with my boss, or taking the bus, train or my car.  It would be nice if he called me back!

I guess I should get ready to go.  I'm still fat and NOT happy one bit about this.  It sucks my big ass!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bottle it up

I am feeling beyond huge, which is an awesome feeling to have.  It's so great, especially when I have to teach aerobics because I get to stand in front of the class and mirror seeing how huge I am and thinking how everyone else is seeing and thinking how huge I am.  It rocks.  It's amazing to me that not everyone wants to feel this way.  Too bad I can't bottle it up and sell it on the streets.

I should water my plants again. 

My face has been one, huge pile of little pimple bumps all summer.  It's disgusting and I think it has something to do with the NYC air because it seems to clear up when I go home.  It's so gross though and I hate it.  Yuck.  I have an ugly face.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I feel the fat roll hanging over my shorts

I did the "Insanity" dvd this morning.  Then I walked to school and tonight I will walk to field hockey and play field hockey.  Is it enough??  I don't know.  Technically, it probably is enough, but for me, I'm not losing weight so therefore it's probably not enough. 

Charro says I have a slow metabolism.  I'm sure she's probably right.  It's funny, people who don't know about my eating issues are always saying, "You must have the fastest metabolism.  I bet you can eat whatever you want."  Um, not quite, but I wish.

I had to straighten up some things on my contract at school, so I took care of that.  Also took care of a gift for my friend who's moving back to Italy on Monday. :(  I'm having dinner with her and another guy tomorrow night.

I still have to eat that dumb beans, brown rice and spinach thing that I made on Monday night and didn't want.  Guess what, I still don't want it!!  I don't want anything.  Well, I could use some chocolate, actually.  I wish I never had to eat.  I wish I could be 95 pounds and eat whatever I want.  I wish I could sit on a tropical beach all day long.  Okay, enough of that.

My stomach is so fat and my arms are flabby and I hate it.  I don't know what else to do about it.  I feel like I need to run 10 miles everyday, but I don't enjoy running.  Oh well.  I'll figure it out sometime.  It would be nice if it was sooner rather than later.

I called about doing an ED study that pays $800-1100, but they make you drink alcohol, so I didn't even go through the process.  I later found the add on Craigslist and it said it was for bulimics, which the first add didn't say.  So, I would not have qualified anyway.  I'll keep looking.

I still think it's funny when Charro says that I have an eating disorder because I still don't think I really do.  I think, as an "anorexic," I need to at least look skinny to have an ED.  I don't, so therefore I don't think I have an ED.  My reasoning is that no one would look at me and think that I wasn't eating if they saw me.  To me, that says it all.

I guess I should eat dinner now.  It's now or never.

Procrastination station

I'm procrastinating.  I don't want to work out, so I'm skipping the gym, even though I should run inside or outside.  I'm going to do an Insanity DVD instead, even though I really don't want to.  I'm giving them back tomorrow so I'll do one this morning.  I'm playing field hockey tonight so I will burn some calories doing that.  So, that's my situation.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Right now...

I want to bake.  I want to not eat.  (Good thing I'm not hungry, and really haven't been all day).  I want to weigh myself.  I don't want to bake because I don't want to have baked goods around that I will eat.  It's too bad because I really like baking. 

I was laying out and was nice and calm, almost fell asleep, then I got all anxious for no reason.  What's that about?  Very weird.  I know when that happens because I have to fidget my legs and feet.  Oh well, so that's where I am right now.  Still debating if I should go visit the "fruit man" to buy some fruit.  I've been debating that for 3 days.  I'll probably weigh myself.

Where's the sun?

I was all ready to go outside and then it got cloudy.  Stinkpots!

I feel huge right now.  I feel like I look huge too.  I mean, this really isn't anything new so I don't know why I always write about it.  I told Charro that I want to cut the fat off of my arms.  That makes her sad.  I just want them to be toned and skinny.

I really need to find a new job.  I don't know what I want to do with my life.  I think I'm going to take this auditioning for commercials thing a little more serious.  I've been saying that I want to do it for a while, I just haven't done anything about it because I don't know how to go about it.  I think it would be fun, plus one good national commercial means big bucks!  I know, I'm thinking big, but that's okay.  I am big. :)  I should start working out more so I could do fitness ads or something.  I need to get nice and toned.  I want to be able to fly to the islands whenever I want and sit on the beach all day long.  My mind is in one big dream and I'm not anywhere near any of that being possible. 

I feel like I should do some abs and push-ups right now.  I want to bake but I don't want baked goods here, therefore I will not bake.  Maybe I should vacuum. 

My cat's shoebox that he was sleeping is is completely broken.  He's still sitting in it though, or on the cardboard rather.

I'm doing a focus group on Thursday.  It pays $100 for 90 minutes.  Not bad, right?!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Caught red handed...

Or with your hand down your pants.  I was standing on the street corner, waiting to cross, when I saw a, I'd say he was in his early 20s, guy with his hand down his pants doing something.  That was on my way to Charros.  Nice, right?  Ew!  That might be worse than seeing all of the nose pickers.

My sesh with Charro was fine.  She wanted to discuss my "lunch anxiety."  I said that I didn't think I had any.  (she suggested we have lunch today, over email on Friday night, since she changed our time).  I said that we didn't have a menu planned out so we should just stick to breakfast.  She took that as anxiety.  I guess there might have been some, but that's because I didn't know who would bring what and what she or I would bring for the two of us.  So, it just needed to be discussed.

I made dinner tonight and of course I don't want it because I had a little snack when I was cooking.  I even invited my friend for dinner but I don't think she will come. 

I think I am getting carpel tunnel from playing "bubble poppers."  I've been sidelined from the game, which is good.  I'm trying to stay off of my computer or just use my left hand. 

So, that's that.  Dinner is sitting on the stove, no sure if any of it will get eaten.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Joining the cast

Right before I went to bed last night, I was watching some behind the scenes stuff with the cast of The Closer online.  For the record, I love John Tenney and think he is so cute!  Anyway, I had a dream that I had join the cast of The Closer and was hanging out with all of them after shooting my first episode with them. 

We had to shoot a promo picture for the show.  I was wearing a red skirt suit with big (not huge) black sunglasses.  I was walking next to Kyra Sedgwick on the way to shoot the picture and I said that I felt so short because she was so much taller than I am and she had heals on.  (She's not that tall in real life).  She and I had to stand next to each other, in the front row, for the picture.  I remember thinking, ah, she turns a little to the side so she looks thinner, so then I turned a little. 

We went to some fancy schmancy restaurant after and we were all sitting at this big table. The restaurant had a staircase with a gold railing near the table.  The kitchen was down those stairs.  We were all sitting at the table and I was talking and Kyra was next to me.  Everyone was laughing at what I was saying because they thought I was funny.  (not laughing AT me).  I got up to flirt with John Tenney and was joking around with one of the other guys.  Then we sat down again and the waiter brought out nachos for me, though I didn't order them.  They weren't very good looking, just chips with cheese and nothing else.  I didn't want them so I passed them around the table and by the time the plate got back to me, there were just crumbs left.  Then another waiter brought up and omelette with bacon for Kyra  (Ha, I just realized that was funny b/c Kyra is married to Kevin Bacon. Ha).  She came back to the table and started eating.   That was the end of the dream.  I woke up because to a doorbells noise (in my dream I think), but I didn't know if it was my doorbell or not so my heart was pounding.  It was a good dream though.  Wish it was true.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

New job idea

I went to the beach with my friend, who happens to be a psychologist specializing in EDs, today.  I LOVE the beach.  The water was cold, the waves were huge, and the rip tide was bad, so I couldn't go in very far.  The lifeguards had people stay close to shore.  Anyway, not the point.  So, I thought about this when my friend go up to go to the bathroom.  I thought, if she just saw me on the beach, she would never think that I had an ED, which means that I really don't have an ED because it's not visible.  Now, I totally understand that many bulimics are very very sick (and I think they have EDs), but don't appear to look unhealthy and emaciated, but I can't possibly have anything wrong with me because I am supposed to be anorexic but I don't look unhealthy or like I am malnourished and don't eat enough.  I don't want to look like those sick girls that I see walking down the streets of Manhattan, and I see a lot of them, but I guess I feel like I should look like I have something wrong with me if I do, in fact, have something wrong with me.

So, I just decided on a new career path.  I think I should be a phone sex operated.  I can do a sexy voice.  If I could make a ton of money doing it, I think I should.  Part of me is serious and part of me isn't, but if no one knew who I was, why not?  Granted, I do not discuss anything about dating, relationships, physical activity, etc. with my friends.  I don't kiss and tell, but I guess one can consider phone sex operator as sort of an acting gig. :)  Don't think I'd be telling anyone what I did for a living if I did that.  Ha!  Wait until I tell Charro.

I'm sort of sleepy.  I'm watching The Perfect Storm.  I started it an hour in, but really, what could I have missed?

Blading in the sun

I just rollerbladed down to the Brooklyn Bridge and back.  I didn't go over the bridge because it's such a pain on rollerblades to do that.  So, I did just over 14 miles, which was good. 

It's a beautiful day!  I'm heading to the beach soon for some more fun in the sun.  Yay, the beach!!  I LOVE the beach.  It will probably be the last time, and only the second time, I go this year.  So sad.  I'll watch out for sharks.

I'm seeing Charro at 2 on Monday, which is weird.  She emailed me and asked me if I could make the switch and asked if we should have lunch.  I turned down the lunch offer because I wouldn't know what to bring or make or whatever, and said 2 PM was fine.  Then I said that eating lunch at that hour would be cutting into my dinner time. :) She said that we "need to discuss my lunch anxiety." Do I have lunch anxiety?? I don't think so, but we can discuss it anyway.

I need to take a nice nap on the beach.  That's the best.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Bring your momma in!

My sesh with Charro went by fast this morning for some reason.  Oh well.  She said, "We have to get your mom in here," after I told her what my mom said to me the other day.  My mom goes, "(My sister's name) has gotten chunky, hasn't she?"  Then right after that she said, "JD (sis in law) looks good since she lost weight."  (She lost 13 pounds).  So Charro is not happy with these two comments and just doesn't get it.  I think these threw her over the edge because my mom is always commenting on people's weight (mine included).  Then Charro asked me if I wanted her to give me the guidelines for what parents should say.  I said, "no thanks" because I'm not going to give it to my mom so what's the point.  I said that I could mail it anonymously.  Ha!  So, that was that.

Tonight I'm having dinner with my friend who is moving back to Italy next week. :(  So sad, but I'm trying to remember the positive...I have a place to stay over there whenever I want to go!! :)

Another friend is coming over in an hour to do "Insanity" with me.  I think she might really die because she's not really in shape and I was dying and I am in shape.  Oh well.

Beach tomorrow!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I need to win the lotto

I realized I have no money today.  I make no money.  I need a new job but I don't think I'm qualified to do anything.  Basically, I kind of suck.  I don't even know what I want to do.  I worked in television and have done, what would be considered, sales for the past 6 years, but still, I have no qualifications.  I loved being on air, anchoring and reporting on the radio, but that paid less than crap.  Hmm.  At least I can cut back on food.  I just won't go grocery shopping ever.  I don't need to eat anyway.  I need to win the lotto, but really, what are the chances of that happening...especially since I never buy tickets.

I have to go teach class now.  I better be a "good" number when I weigh myself in the morning.  I bet I won't be.  Maybe I should weigh myself now.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"White girls rule"

I got off the train today and I was walking in Harlem to get to the subway.  Now, if you are unfamiliar with Harlem, it's not the safest area in the city.  It's not a spot I would go to at night.  Anyway, I was walking to the subway and this black guy kept saying, as I walked by, "white girls rule."  Ha!  I was the only white girl around so I didn't bother turning around to see if he was talking to me. 

My brother and my nieces left this morning.  My bro had the little one upstairs and she said, "I think I'm going to miss (me)."  He told me when he came down.  I thought that was cute.  She's gonna miss me.  She is so stinking cute and I just want to eat her.  I'm gonna miss those little girls.

Oh, I am NOT going to miss this.  The older one, who was sleeping with me, wet the bed.  My bro came in just after midnight and woke me up and said, "Don't roll over, she wet the bed"  Great!  Then, at 5 AM, my nephew, who was sleeping on my floor in his sleeping bag, wet his pants.  Now, he probably just had a dot in his underwear but he freaks out over that.  Seriously, my bedroom is NOT a bathroom people!!

So, that's that.  I'm back and hopefully my AC is now working better.  The man came again yesterday and left me a bill.  I called my landlord and left her a message and said, "Would you like me to send you the bill?" because I'm not paying for it.  I'm renting, I don't need to pay for it.  It hasn't worked right all summer.  I should get money taken off of my rent.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Little dinner comment

Wow, it's been a crazy, hyper night in my house.  The four kids (nieces and nephews) were quite hyper.  They'll be going to bed soon, and I'll be going back to NY tomorrow.

We were all eating dinner tonight and my dad goes, "Stop commenting on everyone else's food..."  I forgot what he said after that.  Ha!  He did say, "Ask her what she ate" though.  I wish I could remember what he said exactly.

I didn't weigh myself today.  I feel like I've gained 100 pounds today.  I might give in and weigh myself tomorrow.  We'll see.  Maybe I should just wait.

My nieces leave tomorrow.  They are so cute.  The little one is obsessed with my belly ring.  When the 6 year old opened a necklace for her birthday the little one said, "It's for your belly button."  It was so cute.  This morning, I went upstairs, and the little one said to my mother, "I'm gonna miss her."  So cute!!  I love these girls.

I need to go brush my teeth.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Bagel Breakfast

I had my bagel with peanut butter with Charro this morning.  I did not finish it, though I ate most of it.  There were literally about 6 tablespoons of peanut butter on the thing, and it was huge!  I got 1/4 of the way through it and I was full, I had to keep going though.  Charro let me have some of the peanut butter "fall off," which was nice.  I asked her if she was going to make me eat it and she said "no," which was also nice.  I felt like I was going to throw up if I ate the last couple of bites, and I told her that, so I didn't have to eat them.  She said I did a good job though. 

The bagel kept me full all day.  I didn't eat lunch, though I didn't get home and to the restaurant I was meeting my family at until 2:30.  It's a restaurant that just serves seafood and hot dogs, so I wouldn't eat any of the stuff anyway.  (It's a beachy type place that closes in the summer).  I did have a few bites of my nieces hot dog bun.  When I got in my car to leave, it wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA.  I got home around 4 PM and had a very little snack, now I'm going to make dinner for my family.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Bagels in 24

I'm really hating my body and my weight right now.  It hasn't been great.  Yesterday, I kept thinking how everyone was looking at me in my bikini and thinking that I was fat or that I had gained weight.  Not really a great feeling, but I guess if I didn't look like this, I wouldn't feel this way.  I know my brother and sister-in-law, who I haven't seen in a year are thinking that.  I'm sure my brother's friend was thinking that, and my parents and sister too.  I did have a  positive thought yesterday.  I realized that field hockey starts up in a few weeks (coaching), which means that I will most likely lose weight because I'm walking more and being more active and stuff.  So, that's a good thing and a positive thing to look forward to.

I did have a great time with my nieces yesterday.  The little one didn't know who I was because she was two when I last saw her.  Well, yesterday she wanted me to play with her and stuff, so now I think she knows who I am.  She is so stinking cute.  I just want to bite her.  My other niece turned 6 yesterday.  She's a little princess, not in the snotty way.

Tomorrow is bagel day.  Blah!  24 hours from now I'll be (blah) eating a bagel with something on it.  That should be awkward and not fun.  Can't wait for that.  I'm going to have to make sure that I'm absolutely starving in the morning for this.  Hopefully I can make that happen.  I'm hoping to walk to my sesh, if I don't have too much crap to bring back home with me.  I shouldn't have anything but my backpack, and it should be light enough to carry it 3.5 miles.  It stinks that I can't run there though.  If I don't really eat too much tonight, which I wasn't planning on doing anyway, I should be starving in the morning.

So, that's it.  Off to teach and chill for the day.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Back on Bertha

Weighed myself this morning.  I'm being highly encouraged to NOT weigh myself, but I did and I knew it was going to be bad.  It was.  I hate this crap.  It sucks.  How the hell am I supposed to eat a bagel with peanut butter or cream cheese on Monday?  Charro is going to "surprise me."  Great!  I don't like surprises.

I'm off to the gym.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Hanging with the fam

I'm home.  I got to spend time with my nieces today.  I haven't seen them in a year.  They're here until Wednesday, so tomorrow we will have a 6th birthday party for one, then I will go back to NYC, then I will come back here after I see Charro on Monday.

Charro today was interesting.  Well, not really, but I didn't know what else to say.  She was sipping her ice coffee and it dripped down her face and down her shirt in a big string, like she drooled.  We both laughed and then it almost happened again later.  Apparently there was a hole in the straw.

She and I were talking and at one point I realized that we weren't the only people in the world at that moment, like there were other people outside of the office.  I just got so involved, I think, that I forgot that other things were going on around us.  It was the first time that I didn't fear someone walking in on us or anything, I was just somewhere else or something.  I told her this and she said, "That's great.  Do you usually worry about people walking in?"  I said, "Yes" (because it happens a lot).  She asked, "Even in the other office?"  I was like, "Well I don't worry about people walking in on us in there but I'm aware of the noises and stuff around us out there.  For a few moments today, I was just totally there.  I can't explain it.

Right now I feel gross and fat and almost like I just want to be by myself.  I LOVE being with my nieces more than anything, but at one point I caught myself thinking about how I want to be back in NYC and not having to eat or be around people.  I keep thinking that every one is thinking I look fatter too, like they can tell.

I don't know how the not weighing thing is going to go.  We shall see.  I know I'll weigh 300 pounds when I step on the scale.  Charro and I were discussing weight gain and I said, "Gaining 10 pounds is like gaining 100 to me.

I want to go to bed but I have clothes in the dryer.  I forgot I was doing wash until a few minutes ago.  Now I have to wait for my clothes to dry.

I hate feeling so disgusting.  I really do.  It sucks.

I figured

I use to love getting on the scale, now, before I step on it, I'm scared to death.  I'm afraid the number is going to be too high.  You know where that fear comes from?  The truth.  It is too high.  It was too high this morning.  I stepped on and off about 8 times.  Charro would love that.  I'll weigh myself when I go home today too.  I'm guessing that I won't go a whole week without weighing myself again.  It's clearly not working for me.

So, that's that.  I have to leave in 40 minutes.  I'm carrying all my laundry and crap 1.33 miles.  I'm sure I'll be nice and sweaty and will have sore shoulders and back by the time I get there.  I have two other options: leave my laundry here or take the bus.  I need the exercise though and want to do my laundry at home, so I will walk with it.  This can go on the books as "compulsive" walking. 

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Hot and steamy

I still don't think my AC is working correctly.  It was on full blast and it's still 80 degrees in here.  Stupid thing.  I'm so frustrated with the situation.

I think I'm so dehydrated.  I power walked almost two miles to the train station this morning to meet my friend and her daughter.  I was sweating bullets by the time I got there.  It was 95 degrees, and that doesn't include the heat index because it's very humid out.  Then we walked another 3 miles around town.  I must have burned some calories.  We came back to my place and chilled and then I went to teach aerobics, so I walked another two miles and taught a class in the aerobics room that was very hot!  So, I'm drinking!  I had lunch and frozen yogurt and was still full so I didn't have dinner.  I just had a few pretzels just now, but that's about it.  I feel so fat and bloated right now.  My stomach is sticking out right now.  This all better go away before I weigh myself tomorrow.  I am not going to be a happy camper.  I'm already dreading the situation.

I need to carry all my crap and laundry to Charro's tomorrow because I'm heading home after.  I'm coming back to the city Saturday night, and heading back home after Charro on Monday.  Lot's of train time, but my nieces are in town and I haven't seen them in a year so I cannot wait to see them!! I think I'm going to take them blueberry picking!

I would like to feel like I'm not pregnant, please.

"WID"

My back's a little bit sore from "Insanity" yesterday, but that's okay, soreness is good.  It's more tight then sore, actually.  I don't like having a tight back.  I'm glad I don't have to work out this morning because my legs are tired too, but that could be from field hockey last night.  I'll be walking around the city all day too, because one of my friend's is coming to visit (well, she's supposed to), then I have to teach tonight.

Tomorrow is weigh in day (WID).  I'm going to be royally pissed if I weigh more than 99 pounds.  That probably sounds stupid, but I don't really care, that's the way I feel.  If I end up not liking the number, I'll go into the spiral of weighing myself every day again.  I guess that's something I should talk to Charro about, since I'll see her right after I weigh myself.  I don't want to talk to her about it because I'll get the, "I've never met anyone with an eating disorder who could get better without gaining weight.  Do you want to get better?"  She always throws my name in there, too, and that always makes me squirm.

I should probably just weigh myself now so I don't have to deal with it tomorrow.  That way I can get mad now and not eat all day and maybe be better tomorrow.  

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

In a state

I'm back in the "I don't think I should eat because I don't know how much I weigh" state.  I don't really have anything good to eat in my apartment anyway, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

That's why they call it "Insanity"

I borrowed the "Insanity" workout dvds from the manager at my gym.  I didn't have the first fitness test so I did the second one, which is meant to be done after having done some of the dvds for a few weeks.  Well, I guess I did well because I was in the same range, numberwise, as the two people on the dvd, but I've got to tell you, I was dying.  This is why it's called "Insanity."  I was dripping sweat, but that might also have something to do with the fact that it's 82 degrees in my apartment. Ha!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Dinna time

I can't decide what to have for dinner.  The options are great, so I don't know why the decision is so hard.  Protein shake (choc or vanilla) or egg whites from a carton??  YUM, on both of those.  Okay, neither of those options sound all that appealing to me, but what can I do about it?  Not much.  I'm the one whose choosing to not eat real food.  So, it's pretty much all my fault that I am not going to enjoy my meal.  I would eat stir fry with tofu if I felt like spending 15 dollars on food, but I don't think that's worth it at all. I hate spending money on food.  I feel like it's such a waste of money.

I'm not eating "real foods" because I want the number to go down on scale when I step on it on Friday.  All this for a number.  Yep.  Call me crazy and stupid, but it is what it is. 

I think I'll go with the vanilla shake and frozen fruit.

An hour and a half later and I still haven't eaten (or drank my shake rather).  I started cleaning my kitchen and just got involved in that.  I guess it's because I really don't want the shake because it doesn't sound appealing.

Real meals

I left Charro's yesterday thinking, hmm, maybe I'll eat real meals.  Well, that thought lasted through lunch and then I was pretty much over it.  Today, I'm really over it and I didn't even weigh myself.  My goal is to weigh less when I weigh myself on Friday.  That's probably not the goal I'm supposed to have, but that's how it goes.

This morning, I will go to the gym even though I don't want to.  Later, my friend and I will walk to Times Square to meet a friend for lunch in the park, then we will walk back.  So, I'll get some exercise today.  It's not really ever enough.

I'm worried about my little man.  He feels and looks thinner to me and he's drinking a ton of water.  I hope his kidneys aren't failing.  They're 13.  My old cat's kidneys failed when she was 11 or 12 and she got really skinny and stopped eating and drank a ton of water.  He's still eating, but the excessive water and the skinniness is making me nervous.

I guess I should get ready to work out.  My left outer thigh, towards my hip, is so tight.  It knotted up on my last night while I was teaching.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Elevator rides with Charro

I ran to Charro's this morning, even though I didn't feel like it.  I got there really fast so I took a few walking breaks, mostly for traffic lights and a really slow walking man who I couldn't pass by because I was on a narrow sidewalk.  I got there and she was in the lobby with 3 other people waiting for the elevator.  So, we all piled into the elevator together and she and I chatted for a second before getting on, but were quiet on the elevator until the people left.  I asked her if she felt better and she said that she had a migraine.

I jotted a bunch of things down on paper last week and brought them in.  I wrote in red and purple and she goes, "You need to change those colors.  How can you even read that?"  I said, "I don't know, but I can."  I told her that there wasn't anything important on there and she said that it looked like I had a lot written down.  Of course I waited until it was time to go to take out the list.  So she wanted me to read it so we can talk about it on Friday.  I put it away because I started talking about the bagel breakfast and she was like "What happened to the list?"  I said, "It's time to go but I'll read them all really quickly if you want."  So, I read through the list and she goes, "I really like that.  That's good.  Bring it in on Friday so we can talk about it."  I was like, "What's so good about it?  There's nothing really on here."  So, I guess we're discussing the list of nothing on Friday.

I also guess we're having bagels with peanut butter on Monday.  Ugh!!  She said, "And I will get them."  I said, "I can stop and get them."  She said, "No, I will."  I guess she doesn't trust me.  Then we have the whole money, weird thing again.  Do I pay her?  Do I ask how much I owe her?  It's so awkward!  I hate awkward!!  I will probably hate eating the bagel more.

I want to eat my cats because they are so cute!!

I told Charro about my dream with her and Kruger and the one line that I remember Kruger saying.  I said to Charro, "That's the most intelligent thing she ever said."  Charro actually laughed at that.  Ha!  Charro thought it was weird how I dreamt that she had cancelled and then woke up to an email from her saying she was cancelling.  Weird!  She was like, "I was sending my brain waves to you.  You're psychic."

the end.

I lied.  She asked about the weighing and I said, (well, first I made a face) and then said, "Well, I kind of fell off the wagon...and got run over by it."  So I explained that I've weighed myself everyday except Saturday.  She said I need to stop weighing myself and start eating more.

Now it's the end.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Thrilling

I'm back to needing to not eat and weigh myself all of the time.  How thrilling.

Charro, Kruger and me...

Before I get to that, I had a very nice time at my friend's going away party.  It was mostly Italian people there, like from Italy Italian.  I freaking love them so much.  I love to hear them speak and watch them and talk to them.  They're so generous too.  One man I spoke to for about 4 minutes and then he said, "When you come to Roma, we will all get together and I will cook you dinner."  OKAY!!  I'm fine with that.  So, it was a fun time.

Now onto Charro, Kruger and me being in the same room.  I had a dream that the three of us, and I think two other people were having a sesh.  I can't really remember the details, but I was having a sesh with Charro and Kruger was there watching and chiming in and taking notes.  We were in Kruger's office too, which didn't look like her real office. 

Charro was sitting in a chair to my front right.  I was sitting on a red couch and Kruger was sitting next to me.  There was a coffee table in front of us.  I'm not sure where the other two girls were sitting, but I think they were across from me.  I don't think they spoke.  I walk talking to Charro and Kruger would chime in and then she asked me something about eating or something.  When it was time to leave I said something, though I can't remember what it was, and Kruger looked at me and said (shoot, I knew exactly what she said when I woke up and now I can't.  I'm thinking....Well I can't remember exactly.) something to the extent about how she definitely cares about me."  I remember thinking, she does??!!  She wasn't even my T anymore so why did she care?  I thought it was nice that she cared though.  I wish I could remember what she said exactly.  Then I looked down and could see her notes that she had taken during our sesh.  She had written in red and her handwriting wasn't great.  I could make out something about not wanting to eat, or something like that.  Then it was time to leave.  Weird.