Saturday, July 31, 2010

Back on the wagon

I fell off the wagon with the whole "not weighing" myself thing last week, but I'm back on...for a day at least.  I haven't weighed myself yet today.  I don't plan on weighing myself, but things could change.  I'm going to a going away party for my Italian friend, so there will be a ton of food, I'm sure, and hopefully most of it will be stuff I don't eat, like meat and crap.  Luckily I haven't had much of an appetite today.  I keep thinking that I'm allowed to weigh myself on Monday. Maybe I'll wake up and think it's Friday and won't realize it's Monday until after I step on the scale.  Stranger things have happened.

I still hate my arms.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Nasty worm

I went out to water my plants and saw this nastiness! I almost threw!
You can't tell, but it was bigger than my middle finger.  Thicker too!


It was the nastiest thing.  I removed it with a plastic fork, my cat came and sniffed it, then I accidently knocked it off of my ledge.  SPLAT!!  It hit the roof way down below.  SPLAT!  GROSS!

So I'm highly obsessed in my thoughts today.  I can't explain it.  I guess I'm not really obsessing, it's more like the "I can't eat" thoughts that I'm having.  I'm not really sure what that's about.  I'm feeling okay about my body and stuff, I'm just feeling like I shouldn't eat.  I'm pretty hungry right now, but I'm waiting for my brother in law and nephews to get here so we can all eat together.  I'll probably be waiting at least another hour, but more likely two.  Oh well.

I shouldn't weigh myself tomorrow, but will I??  It's quite possible.  I feel like I should just weigh myself until I see Charro again.  I know, not the correct thought, but it is what it is.  I just want the numbers to go down.

I saw them shooting Law and Order SVU today.  Well, I didn't see them actually shooting, but I saw all the trucks set up and stuff.  Yesterday, I walked by the Curb Your Enthusiasm set, but I think they were shooting inside a restaurant.

I don't like this feeling I have, even though I don't know what it is.

No Charro this morning

I woke up to an email from Charro saying that she was under the weather and was canceling our sesh for this morning.  The weird thing is, I had a dream last night that she canceled.  I'm bummed because I was looking forward to going, and I had things I wanted to talk to her about.  She was going to give me something too, so now I'll have to wait another week for that.  The only good thing is that it postpones our discussion of bagels and peanut butter for breakfast.  She wanted to have that for breakfast on Monday, but now we clearly won't because we haven't discussed it.  I can't even imagine that bagels and peanut butter tastes all that great.  I like toast with peanut butter, but a bagel is too thick to have peanut butter on it.  I'd rather have cream cheese if I'm going to have to eat this stupid thing.

Now I can work out this morning.  I think I'll go for a run along the river instead of going to the gym.  It's really nice out.  Oh, I could go rollerblading in the park too.  Hmmm, decisions.  Maybe I'll rollerblade tomorrow instead and run today.

It's bad, but I feel like not going to Charro today allows me to continue to weigh myself until I see her on Friday.  I know that that's wrong and I should take some responsibility, but we'll see how that goes.  I just am not happy with my weight and I don't accept it.  I just feel like having protein shakes for the next week too. 

My nephews are coming tonight. :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Successful failure

I've successfully failed at not weighing myself this week.  Did that make sense or was that like some sort of double negative?  What I'm trying to say is that I've weighed myself every day since last Friday.  I'm okay with, but I know Charro will be disappointed.  I left her office on Monday and told her that I wouldn't weigh myself until Friday.  Oh well.  :(  I have to get back on the horse.

My little "Bugs" (8 yr old nephew), gave me a Silly Band the other day.  I think those things are so stupid, but he gave me a glow in the dark heart one.  Of course I have to wear it because he loves me so much.  I love that he gave me a heart.  Both of them are sleeping here tomorrow night. :)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I love the "country"

I LOVE being home during the summer.  The sound of the crickets and the nice summer nights, sitting outside listening to nature.   The clear sky with bright stars.  I love it!!!  I slept so well in my bed too.  So nice!!  I think it's hysterical that people in NYC refer to this as "the country."  All the girls I coach say that their going to "their country homes" for the weekend.  Yep, rich little girls, most of them are not brats though.

I woke up and weighed myself.  Usually I weigh less on Bertha, but I weighed more than I did yesterday on my other scale.  Not happy about that.  I worked out and then quit my gym.  I'm joining a cheaper gym that just opened up in where my old gym was.  Makes sense, since I'm only here once a week.  It's closer than where I was going too.  I'll miss all the old folks (not age wise) though.

My cousin was here yesterday and we were in the pool.  She goes, "I've never seen anyone with a flatter stomach.  Even the girls in the magazines have a little pooch."  Um, thank you very much, though I don't see it.  I'm glad she thinks it's good though.

Now I must go to the pool for a bit before heading back to NY for field hockey tonight.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I will sleep tonight

It took everything in my power to not march upstairs and weigh myself on Bertha when I got home.  With that said, I will weigh myself tomorrow morning.  I'll skip Thursday morning and then I am allowed to weigh myself on Friday morning.  Basically, I will have failed with this whole not weighing thing for the entire week.  I blew it on Friday when I weighed myself a million times, so I figured I might as well keep on blowing it since the new weighing week was already ruined.  So, yes, some "all or nothing" thinking, but that's how it goes.


I am SOOOO freaking tired and can't wait to go to sleep in my own bed.  I won't have my cat clawing at me the entire night, so I will actually sleep.  I'm thrilled about that.  Plus, I didn't get any sleep this weekend.  Ahhh, sleep!  I am going to sleep in 20 minutes, as soon as my clothes are dry.  I will be fast asleep by 9:30.  I have a stupid sleep deprivation headache again.

Getting back

I told Charro I wasn't going to weigh myself until Friday, but I had to this morning.  I'm glad I did too because my weight is going back down.  Thank God!  I just really needed to know if I was getting back to normal, which is why I weighed myself this morning.  Now I feel like I can try and not weigh myself again until Friday, although I'll want to weigh myself when I go home today because Bertha gives me a different number.  I feel better that the number is down.

Alright, I guess I should shower and get ready to go home.

Monday, July 26, 2010

A little sarcasm from Charro

Ahh, no humidity today, and the AC guy is coming tomorrow.  I'll have to leave him a note because I won't be here.

Ran to Charro's this morning without my ipod because it froze.  Hmm, I've since fixed it.  She got her hair cut.  She had it pulled back, which she never does, and I asked her if she got her hair cut, she responded by saying, "Obviously, do you think my hair fell off?"  Okay!!  Good sarcasm, Charro.  Love it.  She then laughed at herself. 

I told her about my crappy weekend, feelings wise.  I told her that I weighed myself 35 thousand times.  I asked her not to give me the "Do you want to get better?" lecture.  She told me that I need to move away from this number and allow myself to gain weight.  She promised that I wouldn't keep gaining weight, which I actually don't think I'm afraid of, I just don't want to gain any weight at all. 

I want to really think about some stuff that I want to talk to her about.  I'm not sure what that stuff is, which is why I need to think. :)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sleep deprivation headache

I can't wait to go to bed.  I have a lack of sleep headache.  My triceps are sore from doing pull-ups.  I guess I should do them more often.  I like being sore. 

I can't decide if I'll walk or run to Charro's tomorrow.  I will decide in the morning.  Sometimes I start out walking and then wished I had my sneakers on so I could run.  Maybe I'll run.

Next week she wants to have bagels and peanut butter.  Um, is that even good?  I have never had a bagel with peanut butter, toast yes, bagel no.  I don't want to either!  That's like 700 calories, which is just way too much.  It's fine if it holds me over until dinner, but "that would defeat the purpose" (Charro talking) of eating the bagel. 

The scale is my best friend again.  By "best friend" I mean that I am on it often.  It doesn't mean that I like the number.  I'm hoping tomorrow I will wake up and the number will be better.  I'm not optimistic, though it should definitely be better than it was the past three morning.  Charro is not going to be so thrilled with me. :(

Please can it get dark so I can go to bed!  I hope I sleep.  My cat kept clawing at me last night too, which didn't help.  I woke up and had a puddle of dried blood on my nose from him.  Nice!

My AC sucks!

I am so pissed and was SO pissed last night when I got home and my apartment felt like a freaking sauna.  It was 82 degrees in here and I was so hot and pissed that I couldn't fall asleep.  I took apart my AC unit to see if I could fix it, but really, I know nothing about it.  The stupid thing comes on for 5 minutes and then turns off and just blows hot air out.  I seriously was so pissed that I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I kicked it and punched it.  I'm paying 8 million dollars for my AC to blow out hot, humid air?  They BETTER come and fix this tomorrow of I will lose it.

I couldn't fall asleep because I was so hot and aggravated.  I finally fell asleep after 2 AM, which I was not happy about.  I can't sleep past 7 AM so I'm a bit tired.  Two nights of 5 hours of sleep is not good.  Plus, it's f'n hot in here.  It should not be 80 degrees in a place when the AC is on.  GRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Oh, and I'm still in restriction mode.  I've weighed myself three days in a row now.  I'm majorly going to disappoint Charro, but I guess I have to take care of myself before I worry about disappointing her.

Saw that new Leonardo movie last night.  It was bizarre, but good.  I can't remember the name of it.

I just want to sleep!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Fatness, tornado warnings and apartment saunas

I'm becoming a little more obsessive, which I'm actually fine with.  I don't really care.  I went to bed starving last night and I woke up still weighing too much.  I'm working on that though.  I'm hungry right now, but I have a dinner date in 3 hours so I'll just wait until then to eat.  I don't need more food than I have to eat. 

I'm also having the, I need to work out more, do more cardio, burn more fat off of my body thoughts.  I have to get into shape.

My air conditioning is pissing me off.  It's blowing out hot air.  Those bastards said they fixed it but it still sucks.  It kicks on for about 2 minutes and then starts blowing out hot air again.  I have it set on the coolest setting and it's blowing out fucking hot air.  Of course I can't call them until Monday.  GRR!!  I just need something to gripe about since I hate my body so much.  I'm sweating in here.  It should not be 84 degrees in my apartment if my AC and fan are on and all the blinds are closes.  It's f'd up.

Okay, I'm going to try and take a nap before I have to shower and get ready to go out.

My garbage can stinks to high Heaven too.  I bleached it so hopefully it will be better.

I don't even know where to begin with Charro on Monday.  She really doesn't want to hear all of my crazy, fat, obsessive thoughts.  Oh, and wait til I inform her that I'm weighing myself daily now until this weight comes off.

I walked out my door last night to go meet friends and walked right out into a tornado warning.  Needless to say, I walked right back in and waited it out.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sono così grassa

Translation: I am so fat!!!

Post three of the day.  I'm heading out with "The Italians" and I am so fucking fat and gross. I can't stand it.  That's it. I'm back to weighing myself everyday and I'm back to protein shakes.  I don't care how disordered I am, I'm going to do what I need to do in order for me to be happy with my body.  Starting now!

I really just want to throw up and punch things because I am so fat. I'm so tempted to just down a ton of water and puke.  I really, really am.

You have long arms

I was sitting in Charro's office this morning and we were going over those little body image picture charts when she said, "I think you look like this man."  (there were female and male pictures).  Then she goes, "His arms are too long, but you have long arms."  I go, "I do??"  She goes, "Yeah, I always thought that."  Okay, so that was random and funny.  She thinks I have long arms.  So I stood up to see where my arms come to on my legs and then I made her do the same thing and she goes, "Oh, I have long arms too."  It was pretty funny.

Oh, and then I just remembered this too.  I was about to sneeze but it got stuck so I didn't and I said, "Oh, I have to sneeze.  I have sneeze phobia, it won't come out."  Charro goes, "It's good to sneeze.  It's your nose having an orgasm."  Really, did she just say that??  She must have had caffeine this morning.  Then she was like, "I love that.  I used to walk around saying it" and then I interrupted her and said, "When you were like 5 and you didn't..." She chimes in, "Before I knew what it meant."  Then we laughed.  Can you NOT say the word orgasm please?

She asked me if I wanted to go see Jenny Craig too.  Ha, she said, "Is our mission here to stay at a low weight because if it is, do you want to go see Jenny Craig?"  Yes, yes I do. :)

Charro said "Great" when I told her I gained weight.  I said, "No, it's not great!"  Then she asked me if I was going to restrict.  I said, "Maybe."  That probably means yes. I don't know.  I told her that I was going to weigh myself on her scale there on Fridays.  She said I could, but I said, "But you're not allowed to look."  She said, "Then what's the point of that?"  She doesn't need to see how much I weigh.  She doesn't know how much I weigh now.  I want to weigh myself on her scale to see what it says.  Maybe I will next Friday.  I'll see if she lets me.

I'm going to the gym at 2 PM so I can watch The Closer while I work out.  I would have just skipped today, but I might as well go.

Oh yeah, I asked Charro to explain WHY she thinks I look "unhealthy."  She gave the exact answer I thought she would give me.  "I think you look unhealthy because i know you aren't healthy."  That does NOT tell me anything, thank you very much!!  So not a cool answer.

The "weight" is over

I think it was a Journey song that had those lyrics in it, clearly it was "wait" though.  Anyway, I just weighed myself and I weigh too much so I'm going to have to weigh myself until it goes down.  I can't tell Charro that I am going to weigh myself until I lose a pound or two because she'll just give me the same ole spiel that she always gives me and I don't want to hear it.  I told her I was going to freak out if I gained weight and she said, "We'll deal with that."  Well you know what, it's freak out time.  I mean, I could just not freak out and weigh myself until I lose the weight, which I think is a great option.

[Grrrrrr] I hate food.  I wish it didn't have calories or fat and it just filled you up and you just had to eat it to survive.  It wasn't good, but sort of like a rice cake.  That's what I want.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

86.5

It's 86.5 degrees in my apartment.  Does that mean I should turn my AC on?  Hmm, I hope it cools off so I don't have to turn it on tonight, but I think I'm going to have to.  It will definitely have to go on tomorrow.  I'm burning up right now.

I have a headache and it won't go away.  I hope it goes away before I have to bounce around in two hours.  I have a feeling that no one is going to show up to take class.  We shall see.

I'm looking forward to my sesh tomorrow.  I want to go over these charts with Charro.  I really want to weigh myself right now.  I always really want to weigh myself on Thursday so I can get my pre-weight before I weigh myself tomorrow.  That probably makes no sense, but I want to weigh myself now so that I'm not completely shocked by the number when I wake up in the morning.  I really, really, really would like it to be lower than it has been.  It was a good number on Saturday when I weighed myself on Bertha.  (Yep, totally wasn't supposed to weigh myself but I did.  I didn't really care).  I would love it to be that number on this scale.

I am going to ask Charro why she thinks I look unhealthy tomorrow.  She likes to throw out the "I know you aren't healthy" answer, but that is not a good enough answer.  "Knowing" that I'm "not healthy" doesn't give her a reason to say that I don't look healthy.  So, I shall ask.

They're working on the road outside my apartment (still).  They've been doing this for over a month.  It's time for them to finish up!

Would it be so bad if I weighed myself right now?  What if I held a cat so I didn't really know my weight? What if I wore clothes when I did it, it wouldn't really count?

Humidy...gone

It's a beautiful day here today.  The humidity is gone...for a day.  Saturday it is going to be record breaking hot.  I wish I was going to be home and in my pool, but I will be here. 

It was nice and steamy at field hockey last night.  I loved it.  I just looked outside now and there is a lovely breeze.  The roof is going to be gorg today.  Maybe I'll bring my camera up, but I really have no reason to since I have pictures from up there already.

I have nothing to do today but some work and teach aerobics.  I already cleaned my apartment and now my bathroom smells like Scrubbing Bubbles, and that's the worst smell.
 
I need to start getting in shape for my alumni field hockey game.  I need to start running more and doing some sprints.  I'll start going to field hockey on Sundays to prepare as well.  I need to play well next month.  I need to run circles around those youngings! :)

I want to look like Kelly Ripa.

I can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow, though I'll probably hate the number.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Body fat testing at the gym today

They were doing body fat testing at the gym this morning, so of course I had to get it done.  Why would I not take advantage of that??  Obvi I would...and I did.  It was okay.  It wasn't bad but I want it to be less.  I am fully aware of the fact that hydration plays a key role in this type of measurement, and I'm retaining a bit of water at this point in time, so I'm not bothered by the number.  I still want it lower though :).

It's a freaking steam bath outside today.  I'm going to sweat off 90 lbs of water playing field hockey tonight.  I love when the sweat is just pouring off of me.  That's the best feeling.

I need to repaint my toenails, which means taking off the nail polish I have on, even though I'm going to do the same color.  My broken toe always looks really funny, like a dum dum lollipop, after I work out.  It doesn't really hurt much anymore though.

Oh, I got one of those body image perception charts, the one with a bunch of different body pictures on it, to bring to Charro on Friday.  I picked out the person who I think my body resembles, and my friend was like "Are you crazy?"  (she's the one who hooked me up with Charro)  "I put myself where you are and you're much smaller than I am."  It will be interesting to go over this with Charro.  She has no idea that I am bringing these in.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Better than expected

I went out with this guy tonight, who I thought was going to be a stiff, arrogant, asshole, but he wasn't.  That was a nice surprise. 

Now I'm hungry.  We just met for "drinks" so I had some food before meeting him, but now I'm hungry.  I didn't want to eat dinner in case he decided he wanted food, but I didn't want to go starving either.  I feel like I ate more than enough to have it be considered dinner and now I don't want to eat because it's late and I ate food already.  Hmmm...decisions.  I wish I could just weigh myself.  I do know that I need to turn my AC on though.

Monday, July 19, 2010

It's a simple Yes or No question

I ran to Charro's office this morning, even though it was really humid out.  Well, I ran most of the way and then walked the last 10 blocks because I was really early and pretty sweaty.  I stretched in the park and let the sprinkler spritz me a bit while I stretched.

I covered myself up with the two pillows because it is absolutely freezing in her office.  She cannot control the AC and she is also freezing.  I use the pillows as blankets.

She asked me how I was feeling about my body this weekend.  She felt the need to remind me about our sesh on Friday where I talked about how much I was hating my body last week, just in case I needed that reminder.  I asked her a question.  I said, This is simple yes or no.  You just have to answer it yes or no, none of this 'I think...' business.  Just say yes or no."  She was like, "Okay, I will answer it if I feel that I can."  So I asked her if she thinks I look healthy.  I was totally expecting her to say yes and she said, "No."  I think it took a second for it to register with me, since I didn't expect that answer.  I said, "Really?  Why?"  She couldn't really give me an answer because she said that she "knows me" and knows that I'm "not healthy."  I'll try to get more out of her on Friday.

I think that's about it for now.

Friday, July 16, 2010

A fatty sesh

I'm home (home, home).  It was a spicy morning in the city. I woke, got ready and walked to Charro's with all of my bags.  Well, my back pack and another little bag.  I was literally dripping sweat by the time I got there and my shirt was drenched with visible sweat.  Nice, right?

Someone knocked on the door while I was with Charro.  I'm getting pretty sick of this happening, though I'm glad she knocked instead of just walking in, like most people do.  I guess I shouldn't really complain about it because Charro doesn't have to see me at this office, since it's not her real office, but the outpatient place she works at.

Anyway, I had a list of things to talk to her about, most of which said the same thing over and over again about how I am too fat and feel huge and feel like everyone can see how huge I am.  I feel like this is the worst I've felt about my body.  I asked her if it was because I can't weigh myself and she said that it could be.  She wants to know what is causing me stress/anxiety to make me feel this way.  I told her that my body is causing it and that I'm not stressed or anxious about anything.  So, we pretty much discussed how much I hate my body the whole time.  At one point she asked me to describe what I see when I look at myself.  I was like, "really?"  I didn't want to do that but I sort of did.  Maybe I'll try drawing a picture for her.

Bottom line, I am hating my body right now.  I just see myself as so big and I can't take it.  I said, "It doesn't matter what people tell me, I still think I'm fat."  She said, "That's because you have anorexia."  Blah!  Okay, I think I'd be skinny if that was the case.

Okay, I think I need to try and make a balsamic reduction now.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Burnt sausage

Apparently not putting sunscreen on today was not the best idea.  Whoops.  My backside is a bit red.  It will hopefully turn to tan by tomorrow, but showering this evening won't feel nice.  Well, actually I've been taking cold showers so it shouldn't be too bad.  I am a burnt, fat, Italian sausage!

I just weighed myself again.  Well, I weighed my other cat and then I had to weigh myself to see how much she weighs.  I figure, if I don't eat anything more today, which is probably not going to happen, then I will probably wake at a good weight.  I guess my weight doesn't really matter though because I still look and feel really fat and gross.  Even if I woke up and the scale said I weighed 90 pounds, I would still be this fat.  So, that's that.

I'm mad at myself for not putting on sunscreen!!!  I didn't think the sun was that strong today.  I was wrong!

Bulimic cat

Blogger it being funky right now.  I just tried to leave a comment on a blog and it wouldn't work.

My cat is being bulimic today.  I fed them breakfast and then my Squisher puked it up in 2 spots.  Then she was begging me for more food, not once, but twice.  Now she's sitting with her front paws on me.

I need to weigh the other guy because he looks skinny.  I need to weigh myself because I don't look skinny.  Tomorrow I can do that.  I'm sure I'll weigh myself more when I'm at home this weekend.  Bertha will be calling my name.

The sun is finally back out so I can hit the roof for a little bit.  I will do some work and hit the roof, or the other way around.  Yay.

Update - I weighed my cat....and myself.  He might have lost weight and I gained weight.  Tomorrow is official weigh in day so if I don't weigh 2 lbs less than I weighed a few minutes ago, I will not be happy.  He weighs 8.8 lbs, though I don't really remember what he weighed when he went to the vet, so weighing him was pretty much pointless.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Too much agua

I just drank too much water.  Well, it's only "too much" because I'm about to head to the park to play field hockey and I know I'll have to pee 34 times now.  I was thirsty, what can I say?

Speaking of water, we'll probably get rained on while we're out there, but I'm okay with that.  I don't mind playing in the rain, but I think it scared everyone else away and we'll end up playing 2 on 2, which is boring and not a very good workout.  I need a good workout.

I went to the gym.  I was either going to go to the gym or walk down to the farmer's market.  Well, my friend couldn't walk because she had a suitcase full of all her work stuff, so we took the subway, so I went to the gym.

I might just weigh myself tomorrow.  I don't think Charro's going to ask me about my weighing anymore, so that means I can weigh myself whenever I want to.  Yes, I know I'm supposed to "take responsibility" for myself here, but I don't really want to.  I'd rather weigh myself.  Maybe I should just weigh myself tonight.

Shiites, I need to empty the litter box.  I need to get dressed too.  I guess I should do those things.

Gym and gelati

I really, really don't feel like going to the gym this morning.  The good thing is, I can slack a bit because I'm playing field hockey tonight...provided the weather is okay.  I'll probably do a very half-assed workout.  The one where I go and ride the bike and burn 3 calories and think about how I really don't want to be there and how I'm getting nothing out of it so why am I here type workout.  It must be done though. 

I kind of (well, more than kind of) want to weigh myself too.  I already ate breakfast and drank a lot of water so it would be pointless to do now.  I do need to weigh my cat because my friend think he looks skinny.  His fur is weird near his butt too, so I hope he's okay and not losing weight.  The only way for me to weigh him would be to weigh myself so I know what I weigh and what the difference is between my weight and my weight holding him.  Not that holding him is easy.  He HATES being held.

Ugh...the gym.

I went out with all my Italian friends last night.  We went out for gelati.  That was my dinner.  Well, I had strawberries before I left so maybe strawberries were my dinner.  I wasn't hungry and didn't get hungry until it was time for my gelato.  No need to eat if I'm not hungry.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Is gum lunch?

It's finally raining here.  It's been so steamy and been threatening rain for a few days, but the most we ever got was about 7 drops.  So now, 5 minutes after I arrive in my apartment, it's raining! :)

I have had the biggest, most painful knot in my back for three days.  I've tried rolling around on tennis balls to get it out, but have had no success.  I pass this little Chinese massage/reflexology place all of the time, so I figured I'd go there and get a 10 minute massage.  I laid down and decided to splurge and go for 20 minutes instead.  Then when the lady finished I had her do another 10 minutes to work on that one spot.  It felt SOOO good.  My head feels a little spacey and weird not, but it must be because blood can flow freely to it.  They gave me a coupon for a 70 minute massage for $55.  Sweet.  I will definitely use that someday, when I feel like I deserve it and can treat myself.  The only bad thing was, I swallowed my gum!  Does that count as lunch? ;)  Kidding.

So that's it.  I'm still enormously huge and I can't deal.  Well, I can because I am, but still.  I bought an eggplant so I'm going to grill some eggplant on my George Foreman for my afternoon meal.  (that means lunch/dinner, I think).  I guess I should get to that.

Monday, July 12, 2010

(insert yucky face I'm making)

So...

I'm extremely huge and hating it.  I know that everyone is looking at me while I'm teaching class and thinking that I'm fat or that I've gotten fatter.  I just know it!  I can see that I'm fat so I know that everyone else can see it too.  I really cannot stand it and cannot stand the site of my body.  I just (well, I don't "just" want) to be skinny, there are other things I want in life too.  I think the scale needs to come back into my life because I can't stand this fatness.  Blah!

Espresso

Right next to Charro's office is this Italian restaurant.  This morning the were giving away espresso.  I do not drink coffee.  I do not like the taste coffee.  Therefore, when asked if I wanted to try some I simple responded "no thank you."  Well, another man who was sipping some told me to take it.  I said that I didn't like coffee, but then I thought, well, Charro is Italian, I can bring it to her.  Ha!  So I did.  She did not want it, and reminded me what she would be like if she had the caffeine.  I like her when she's all revved up.  So, I smelled and and said, "This smells awful."  Then I decided to drink it anyway.  I took a sip and it took me forever to swallow it because it was so bitter and gross.  She goes, "Swallow and take a sip of your water."  I clearly needed some coaching on that.  I made the most awful face and she asked me if it had sugar and I said no.  She said it needs sugar.  She told me to throw it away.  Oh, first she told me not to drink it because she didn't want me to be all revved up and sitting there for a while.  I had another sip and decided that I was done with it.  I got a bit revved up, which I think led to me being quite unproductive during our sesh.  So, it always annoys me when I'm unproductive in there, but I can't get it back now so I'm not worried about it.  I'll think of good stuff for Friday.

I have to teach class tonight and not until late.  The Closer starts up tonight.  David, I'm sure you'll be watching!! 

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I'm 23 months

I feel like I walked 2000 miles today.  I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.  When I was walking to the gym this morning I was so slow and just didn't feel like moving.  I felt that way on the way home too. 

A lady from my gym at home came into the city today, so I hung out with her.  We walked around, through the park and then I dropped her off and went on to my another friend.  I went to an OA meeting with my friend Sfarky.  It was for overeaters, anorexics, and bulimics.  I didn't say a word the whole time I was there, and didn't raise my hand when they asked if there were new people.  I just sat there and listened.  It was interesting to hear peoples' stories, but I couldn't related to the compulsive eaters at all.

There was one girl there who was so anorexic.  She looked awful and miserable.  She spoke and didn't sound as miserable as she looked, which was good.

I left the meeing and have about a 2 mile walk home.  My legs so did not feeling like walking, but I did.  I got here and then took a cold shower, which felt really nice.  The thought of walking to Charro's in the morning is not sounding so appealing right now, not that it ever does.

I have to change my sheets tonight because my cat ripped the biggest hole in them.  Ugh, my favorite palm tree sheets!  I can't wait to go to sleep but I don't want to change my sheets because both of my cats will hop on my bed while I'm trying to do so.

My stomach is so fat and I look like I'm 23 months pregnant.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

What happens when I'm bored

Here's what happens when I'm bored.  Some things are positive, some aren't.  So, in no particular order...

  1. I clean/organize
  2. Take naps
  3. Cook (Though I didn't really do that today.  I just grilled zucchini)
  4. Attempt to do back walkovers.  (Succeeded at that).  I did not do it from the standing position because I knew I would kill myself.  I might feel this in my back tomorrow.
  5. Try on the new "skinny" jeans that I bought and realize that I should NOT have bought them because I should NOT be wearing "skinny" jeans because of my hamthighs.  They're just huge and the jeans are squeezing them ever so tightly that people might throw up when they see them.
  6. Play computer games and watch movies.  (I'm not a big tv/movie person).
  7. Do push-ups
  8. Try and cut my cat's nails.  (Unsuccessful)
  9. Write 3 blog posts in one day.
I think that's covered it for the day.  I think I might play some Wii too.

I need to return those jeans, even though they were incredibly on sale and cheap.  I'm never going to wear them because of my freaking hamthighs.  Maybe I should take a picture of my hamthighs so you can all see them, though pictures don't really do them any justice.  I hate them!!  [Grrrrr!!]  (I wrote [grrrr] in an email to Charro and she wrote back, "I like grrr in a box.  It's better than weighing yourself." Ha!]

Fibericious

I feel like I've been eating non-stop today.  I've eaten a ton of fiber though, which is a good thing because then I feel like I'll eat least lose everything I ate.  It started off with Fiber One, then I've had veggies and strawberries, pineapple, and grapes.  I should add some blueberries to the mix too.

I'm watching the third place game for the World Cup.  I want Germany to win.

I watch Shutter Island.  Good movie, Eliza.  It was a little confusing, but I wasn't paying 100 percent attention to it either.

I learned that I can grill veggies on my George Foreman, so I grilled zucchini and pineapple.  The pineapple wasn't that great, but whatever.

Serious boredom has set in.  Maybe I'll do some organizing or something.  I can read that stupid ED book I got a month ago that is too boring for me to continue reading.

I haven't watered my plants today because we're supposed to get a lot of rain.  You know how much we've gotten so far?  NONE! Not a single drop.  I wish there was a street fair nearby because I would go.  I wish my friends weren't all out of town because I would like to do something fun, or just hang out too.

I have to figure out what I can organize.

(If you haven't weighed in on my lovely survey 2 posts below, please do).

This is really exciting.

I think today is going to be a long day.  We're supposed to get some rain, and maybe some storms.  Most of my friends are out of town so I have no one to hang with.  Oh well, I am going to watch Shutter Island.

I need to go to the gym soon and I don't feel like it.  I'm going to hop on the treadmill and hope I don't get bored after 2 minutes because I need to stay on there for an hour.  Maybe I should just stay at the gym all day.

I want to go buy a pineapple too.  Now that's my excitement for the day.

I have a big knot in my back and I want to punch it but I can't reach it.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Taking a survey - need your help

I need your help with this one, people!  Charro and I were discussing girls, ladies, women...more so the words than anything else.  After I get (hopefully) your answers, I will tell you what I believe.  Anyway, I'm trying to find out what what age you consider a female to be a "lady" or a "woman," and if you think that there is a difference between a "lady" and a "woman?"  I would like to have an answer for her by Monday. 

My answer will follow.

Grazie!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

I've got a feeling

(No, I'm not singing the Black Eyed Peas).  Well, maybe they should call them the "Black Eyed PEES" since Fergie peed her pants on stage.  Haha, I made a funny.

I have a feeling that I am not going to like what my scale says in the morning.  Why?  Because I can see it in my body and I can feel it in my (non) bones.  Ha, another funny.  If I could feel my bones then I wouldn't be worried that I'm not going to be happy with the number.  At least I ate dinner a long time ago (4 PM) so maybe I burned it all off. 

I planned on going to the gym to work out for an hour before I taught, but I fell asleep on my couch.  Whoops.  Ha!  I managed to get in 30 minutes of cardio before teaching.  I guess the 2 miles walk could count as something too, but nah.  I definitely did not walk enough this week.  Next week will be better because I am teaching an extra class, which means an extra 2 miles of walking, plus we'll have field hockey, which is another 4 miles of walking, plus playing, plus working out that morning.  Next week will be a good workout week.

I need to go kiss my squishes belly, which is fully exposed right now and waiting for me with all fours in the air as she sleeps.  Meow!

I am SO NOT looking forward to my electric bill this month.  It is going to be redic since I've had my AC on for a week.  UGH!!  Not good.  I just turned it off.  I can't decide if I should open my window and door for some fresh air or try to keep the cool air that was in here, in here. Hmmm...

(9:26 PM)

I'm kind of hungry but I'll skip the whole food thing and just head to bed.  I'm tired too, so I can eat in the morning when I wake up.  That's what breakfast is for.

Serious boredom and Kruger flashback

I have been so incredibly bored since the second I woke up this morning.  So bored that I have actually been working!!  I know, shocking!!  Now that is boredom.

It's very thick outside, cloudy too.  Steamy would pretty much describe it.

I just went through my old voice messages and there was one from Kruger.  Ugh, her voice is this awful nasally sounding thing and I cringed when I heard it.  I am waiting to run into her someday.  It's quite possible, if I'm down in her neck of the woods.  She was so horrible.  Part of me wonders if I would go back to her if Charro is gone again.  I don't know why I would even wonder that because I know how crappy she was, but I guess I wonder that because I know her and where she is located.  Seriously though, if I start to think that I'm going to so see Kruger during any Charro off time, someone please bop me in the head!!!

Well, I guess I'll do some more work now. 

Cooling off

I'm back in NYC after spending 3 lovely days at home in my pool.  It's "cooler" today, only going to be in the high 90s. :)  It's cloudy right now, though perhaps it's just haze.  I need to call the AC guy because my AC doesn't seem to be working the way it should.  I called him last week but he never called me back.

I think I need to start working out more.  That is what I concluded yesterday. 

I have a huge rip in my sheets.  I noticed it last night when my finger got stuck in it while I was sleeping.  I'm blaming my cat because he comes on my bed and tears everything, including me, apart!

I need to go check my plants, which aren't looking so happy.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I liked hearing that

I saw one of my friends at my home gym today.  She was with her sister, who was visiting from another state.  I had met her a few years ago when she was visiting.  Anyway, she came over while her sister (TT) and I were talking and TT goes, "Do you remember her?"  She said, "Yes.  You shrunk in two years."  I said, "I did?"  She said, "Yes."  I said, "Well that's good.  Thank you."  She said something else and I said, "Well, I walk a lot.  I walked 25 miles last week, and that's on top of my workouts and stuff."  She said, "Walking makes your bones come out?  I'm going to start walking more if that's the case."  I kind of left it at that, but she was probably calling me out, though my bones don't stick out.

I have to admit, I liked hearing that.  Oh yeah, and I weighed myself this morning.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Things I've learned from pictures

My arms are freaking fat!!  My face is kind of ugly.  I look pregnant in that dress.  My back is large.  My calves look rockin'.  At least I got one positive in there.

Must work out more or eat less or something in order to get body parts smaller.

Party. Success. Check.

My Fourth of July party went well.  We spent the evening on my roof, perhaps I will post a few pictures, but my pictures are not on this computer.

I went to the gym early because I figured no one would show up for class.  Saw the "Carmine" (anorexic girl) on the elliptical.  I ran and then got to leave the gym early because no one showed up to take class.  Got home, showered, my parents arrived, cooked some more food, relaxed, party time. 

I didn't feel overly stuffed, which is very good.  My parents never said a word to my about Charro.  We woke up, and by the way, it's very weird to sleep in the same room as your parents, and I showered.  I only have a studio so they sleep on my pull-out couch when they come and it's about 3 feet from my bed.  Weird!  I walked to Charro's and they went to breakfast.  The only thing my mom said to me was, "Are you going to walk there and what time will you be back?"  Bingo, done!  Nothing in the car ride home either.  Yay!

I came so close to stepping on "Bertha" when I got home.  Tomorrow, I will weigh myself.  I'm not supposed to and Charro thinks it would be me "taking a step backwards" if I do, but I am going to.  I haven't stepped on Bertha in so long so I need to do it.  I want to do it.  I don't think it it's going to make much of a difference, unless it's high and I freak out.  The only think I feel bad/guilty about, it letting Charro down.  That is the only reason why I feel like I shouldn't weigh myself, but I'm going to.  I hope it doesn't mean that I'll wake up Wednesday morning and weigh myself too.  Then Charro would be totally right.

I'm so tired.  I can't wait to go to bed.  I haven't gotten much sleep the past week.  I love sleep and I will be sleeping in my own bed, and my room is so nice and dark.   The sun wakes me up in my apartment...and my cats also play a part in that too. :)

So I looked in the mirror and I thought, well my face looks skinny.    Too bad the rest of me is fat.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

And then there were 14

Okay, so I'm having people over today for food and fireworks from my roof.  Yesterday only eight people were coming so I didn't make a whole lot of food, just 2 pounds of macaroni.  Last night my friend Sfarky texted me to see what I was doing today so I invited her, not sure if she and her man are coming.  I planned on inviting her anyway but she said she was going to be out of town, so I didn't.  It's fine that she's coming, if she comes.  This morning, I woke up to an email from my friend asking me if she can bring 3-4 people.  Um, sure, but now I need to make more food.  So my little party of 8 grew to possibly 14 people.  Time to cook some more food, I guess.  I wanted to avoid cooking today, since it's going to be 90 degrees.  Oh well.  I had everything all cleaned up and everything too.  I'm going to call and check with my friend to see if she's bringing more people before I cook more.  I think I'll make some brownies though.

So, I don't want to have another Charro discussion with my parents but it's going to happen. They won't wait to drive me home tomorrow because they want to leave before 11 to "avoid traffic."  Well, that is according to my mom, maybe my dad will feel differently.  I just think it's redic because there won't be traffic.  It's not like we would have left here before 10 AM anyway, so really, what's an extra hour?  They'll get home and have to turn around and go get me at the train station.  Stupid.  Maybe they'll change their minds but I doubt it.  That pisses me off because it's so stupid!!  I don't know what they'd do while I was at Charro, but whatever.

Okay, I need to start doing some cooking or something.  Ugh!

Saturday, July 03, 2010

I like scales and I'm not a fish

I really hate this not weighing myself thing.  I think it would be so completely easy to just start weighing myself ever day again.  It's not really changing anything for me, if anything, it's making me feel fatter.  I think I just rip apart my body even more, I don't really know.  Clearly, I need about 5 years of that mirror exposure study to possibly help the situation, not 5 weeks.  That didn't quite do the job.  If anything, it made things worse.

Okay, it's freaking beautiful out so I need to go out there before I spend my afternoon and evening cooking.

Friday, July 02, 2010

The email exchanges

I sent my mom the email this afternoon.  Here's what happened.

Hi Mom,
I just have a few things to get off of my mind regarding our conversation yesterday.

Two years ago you guys sit at the kitchen table and tell me that I'm messed up and need to go talk to someone. Dad cries hysterically when I say I will and now all I get from you is, "You must have psychological problems if you're going to see Charro. You must like wasting your money. Why are you so dependent on her? You're selfish." Basically you're telling me that I'm crazy, selfish, and wasting my money, so do you really think that any of what you're saying to me makes me want to even try to explain anything? Nope, it doesn't. Why, because you are too closed minded to even listen and try to understand that people don't need to be screwed up and crazy to go talk to someone. Dad at least tries to have an intelligent conversation with me, and all he really cares about is that seeing Charro is helpful. That's really all that should matter to you too. Is it helping me? Yes. Why do you need to know more than that? I'm not psychotic. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not miserable. I'm just trying to live my life, and if she can help me try to understand myself and why I do the things I do, then it's completely worth it to me. Instead of supporting me and my desire to better myself, I feel like you're looking down at me and judging me. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but the things you say to me frustrate me and are based on someone who is uniformed and unwilling to have an open mind about things.
I know you being uniformed is partially my fault because I don't open up to you, but do you see why I don't want to talk to you about anything? I feel like you're judging me. Every comment you make is a judgement. I don't talk to anyone about anything, so don't take it personal. I like that I can go talk to Chiara about whatever I want and she's not going to pass any judgements.

That's really all I have to say. I hope I didn't make you feel too badly and that you don't take this personal, but you need to know it. I just want you to accept the fact that I go see Charro and not think I'm crazy because I do so.

Don't worry, I still love you :)

From Mom:

I am sorry if you think I am judging you. I am not -- I am just trying to understand. I don't know why you feel like you need to talk to someone. You are my daughter and I love you and I am just wondering why you can't tell us what is bothering you. That's all -- I just guess I am confused. I apologize. On the outside you seem like a very happy and thoughtful and humerous person. I guess I really don't know you and I would like to know you. I guess I am hurt because you can't talk to me. That's it -- end of discussion.

(me back)

I know, and I figured that you probably feel hurt by that, but I don't want you to. I don't want to make you feel bad or worry about me or anything. You know I love you very much and the last thing I would want to do is hurt you.
You and dad pointed out that I have some eating issues so that's kind of what I'm working on. There's nothing serious going on. It's also kind of nice to talk to someone who has no connection to anyone in my life and can give me an unbiased opinion on things. That's all. If there was something serious going on you would know, don't worry. So, by me going to see doesn't mean that I'm crazy. Talking to someone is a foreign concept for us Guilford folk, but it's apparently quite the norm and is actually kind of nice.
That's all. I love you!

(mom)



Thanks for the explanation -- I love you, too! and you know that if you want to talk to me, I am here for you!

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Oh how I love conversations with my mother

Just hung up the phone with my mother.  My parents are coming and staying over Sunday night.  I see Charro Monday morning and will be done before 11 AM.  My mom asked if I was coming home with them and I said, "I see Charro in the morning so if you will wait for me, I will come home with you."  She said, "Why don't you cancel?"  I said, "I don't want to cancel."  She goes, "You really need psychological help that badly?"  "No, I'm not crazy."  "Then why don't you cancel?"  "Because I want to go and there's no need for me to cancel."  "Why are you so dependent on her?"  "I'm not."  "You must be if you can't cancel and feel like you need to go all of the time."  "I like going."  "Why?  If you need to go then you must have things going on and you never talk to us about anything."  "You wouldn't understand."  "Well, you don't talk to us about anything so how could we understand.  I wish you would explain it to us."  "You just don't get it."  So that went back and forth for a while and I said, "I'll just take the train home, it's no big deal."  She said, "Ok.  You can't just cancel because you wouldn't do that."  I said, "Of course, because I like to make everyone else's lives more difficult."  "Yes, you do." 

Awesome.  I guess I don't have to worry about them asking to come in with me on Monday.  I'm so pissed.  Get a freaking clue, mom!

Here's an email I just wrote to my mom, in case you're reading this mom.  I haven't sent it and probably won't.

You guys sit at the kitchen table two years ago and tell me that I'm messed up and need to go talk to someone. Dad cries hysterically when I say I will and now all I get from you (and by "you" I mean you, not dad) is, "You must have psychological problems if you're going to see her. You must like wasting your money. Why are you so dependent on her? Basically you're telling me that I'm crazy and wasting my money, so do you really think that any of what you're saying to me makes me want to even try to explain anything? Nope, it doesn't. Why, because you are too closed minded to even listen and try to understand that people don't need to be screwed up and crazy to go talk to someone. Dad at least tries to have an intelligent conversation with me, and all he really cares about is that seeing Charro is helpful. That's really all that should matter to you too. Is it helping me? Yes. Why do you need to know more than that? I'm not psychotic. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not miserable. I'm just trying to live my life, and if she can help me try to understand myself and why I do the things I do, then it's completely worth it to me. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but the things you say to me frustrate me and are based on someone who is uniformed and unwilling to have an open mind about things.
I know you being uniformed is partially my fault because I don't open up to you, but do you see why I don't want to talk to you about anything? You're judging me. Every comment you make is a judgement. I don't talk to anyone about anything, so don't take it personal. I like that I can go talk to Charro about whatever I want and she's not going to pass any judgements.
That's really all I have to say. I hope I didn't make you feel too badly and that you don't take this personal, but you need to know it.