Wednesday, June 30, 2010

That did wonders for me

I love how my body image (though I tend to think it's not actually my body image, but my actually body) has gotten worse since partaking in the study.  My other thought is that it has gotten worse because I can't weigh myself everyday.  Maybe it's a combination of the two.  All I know is that the way my body looks grosses me out and I sit here and pick it apart.  I hate my fat arms, my fat stomach, my love handles, etc.  You get the picture.  It's a blast.  Friday can't come soon enough.  If I step on the scale and it's above a certain number than I'm done with this whole once a week weigh in thing.  Yep, I say that every week and I'm sticking to my guns.  I think next week will be a washout anyway because I'm going to have to weigh myself after July 4th and when I get home.  I haven't stepped on Bertha in forever. 

I need to make a grocery list for everything I need for the 4th.  I'm having a picnic, NYC style. Picnics are much better "country" style.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

And so I walked

Charro and I had a big discussion about my  "compulsive walking" yesterday.  She's partially correct about that, I must admit.  Anyway, tonight I went to go meet my friend Sfarky Sfarkerson, the Sfarkmeister.  We met 25 blocks and a few avenues from my apartment.  (20 blocks equals one mile and avenues are longer than blocks).  So, I walked maybe almost 1.5 miles to get there.  We were indecisive and then decided we were going to go to her place, since I'd never seen it.  So we walked another 20 blocks.  Oh yeah, I forgot we walked 6 blocks backwards at one point.  So that was a little over 2 miles, nothing extravagant.  I was planning on taking the bus home, instead of walking the 33 blocks, but there were never any buses around when I got to the stops.  I didn't feel like waiting, and it's a very nice night out, so I walked. I figured I'd get on a bus if it came by.  Well, a bus finally passed me when I was 20 blocks from my apartment and I thought, well I'm not spending the stupid money to take the bus 20 blocks so I will just walk.  I had passed the point of where I deemed it okay to spend the money to take the bus.  So, I walked the whole thing, which wasn't far, and I could hear Charro's voice in my head saying, "You are a compulsive walker.  You need to stop walking."  In all honesty, I walked because it was a nice evening and because I didn't not want to spend $2.25 to take the bus.  Those were my main reasons for walking, not calorie burning.

I need to go to bed now.

Oh yeah, I ran into this girl I went to high school with on the street.  I haven't seen her in 15 years.  So weird.  I was friends with her for a year and then she started hanging out with the potheads so I didn't really hang out with her anymore.  I tried to "friend" her on facebook and she denied me, which I find humorous, which made running into her even more funny and awkward.

Blow it off

I really want to blow off this whole only weighing myself on Fridays thing.  I'm not liking it and I don't see why I can't just weigh myself everyday.  Well, I guess I could, no one is holding a gun to my head.  I know Charro would be disappointed if I weighed myself and that's the only reason why I'm not weighing myself.  I am not sure how much longer my not wanting to disappoint her is going to keep me from not weighing myself though.  It's kind of losing it's zest.  I think I might just cave today and do it.  She'd probably want me to email her instead, so maybe I will, maybe I won't.

I feel like I'm huge.  My arms are fat.  One of the ladies was taking a million pictures at my friend's party the other night and I saw one right after she took it.  I said, "My arms are fat.  You need to delete that!!"  I do not like them with a tan.  I do not like them Sam I am.

I'm going to the gym in a little bit.  I'm hoping that I get a really good workout because I most definitely need it.  I told Charro that I'm teaching twice on Thursday.  She was like, "That's a little much, isn't it?"  I said no, because it's really not.  I just said it would be annoying to walk there and back two times.  (It's a mile each way).  She said that it's compulsive and I should take the bus because a mile is a far enough distance to take mass transit.  I argued that and said that it's stupid to take the bus one mile and I could walk there in the time it took me to wait for the bus.  Plus, I'm not spending $2.25 to take the bus when I can walk it in 15 minutes.  That's redic!  So I will get a lot of exercise this week.  I'll work out tomorrow morning and then play field hockey at night.  I'll teach two classes on Thursday and walk 4 miles to the gym and back.  I want to run on Friday or Saturday and I'll teach on Sunday, but I'm sure no one will show up.  I need to run today too, I just hope I don't get too bored on the treadmill.  It's too steamy to run outside today.

My little one is sitting on my stomach.  She is always sitting on my stomach.  I think she likes it because it's squishy!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Dropping the f-bomb

Parts of my sesh with Charro were a bit comical today.  It started off with us meeting each other on the street at the door.  We got into the elevator and she goes, "Is it making you uncomfortable that we're in the elevator together?"  I said, "No, I'm totally fine with it." 

We actually discussed a lot of things, but I'd rather report back on the funny things, because that's what's more amusing to me. 

First we discussed the guy that I've been dating, who seems to be missing a tooth.  She asked if I had asked about his possible missing tooth.  I responded with, "I can't ask him if he's missing a tooth!!  That's rude!" 

We talked about some ED stuff and she said, "I'm not gonna talk to this fucking eating disorder, excuse my language.  That was pre-meditated."  I looked at her with the you just dropped the f-bomb face.  It was pretty funny.  That's the first time she dropped the f-bomb.  Here's the best part though, everytime she swears she apologizes.  She'll be like, "That's bullshit, excuse my language."  Ha!

So it was absolutely freezing in the office and she can't control the AC.  I cover myself with a pillow to try and stay warm but it doesn't help.  So today I said, "we can open the windows."  She said, "Oh yeah! I will later."  I said, "What, so I have to suffer in the cold?"  So she moved her chair and opened the window, but it opened funny.  Now we're on the 10th  floor and the window was supposed to open like a normal up/down window but the top part of it fell open towards us.  She thought it was supposed to be that way but I didn't think it was right.  So she goes, "If it falls on my head please call 9-1-1." I said that I would.  I told her that I didn't want her sitting there while no one was in the office with her in case it fell and knocked her out.  I told her to move and said, "At least if it falls on you when someone is here, not that I want it to fall on you, the person could call for an ambulance."  We discussed the window and then I said that I was going to open the one by me.  So, I stood up on the couch arm chair and she goes, "I don't feel very comfortable with you up there."  She thought I was going to fall.  I opened the window and that's when I told her that hers was broken and that she should shut it, so she did.  It was a process, and a humorous one at that, which is not fully described on here very well.

We got back on track and then when I was leaving I was talking about something and she starts going (while standing up by the door) "wah wah wah wah" (like the guy in Charlie Brown).  I go, "did you just 'blah, blah, blah' me?"  She said, "No, it was more of a 'wah wah.'  I think they must have given me caffeine instead of decaf."  Ha!  (She referred back to the time she had a coca cola and I thought she was nuts when she had it).

So those are my funny highlights that I would like to remember.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The oil spill

I can't watch/listen to anything else about the oil spill in the Gulf.  It's just a disaster and you know that they're sugarcoating it and not telling us how bad it really is.  I feel so bad for all of the animals/sea life that are going to die, the fishermen, the tourism industry, and everyone and everything it has already effected and those it still will impact.  BP is drilling a relief well, which won't be done until mid-August.  To me, that's just not good enough.  They screwed up and now everyone is paying for it and will be paying for it for a long time.  There is also no guarantee that this relief well will actually work.  I can't say that our Administration is doing too much about this either.  2012 election...bring it on!  (I hate politics).

My broken toe is still, well, broken.  Clearly it's not going to heal in two weeks.  It's funny shaped.

I don't really have much to say about anything these days.  I guess that's a good thing. 

I have to go to my friend's birthday party tonight and I don't feel like going.  It's not until 8 PM and it's in midtown, which I hate.  I'll walk there and maybe walk home. I don't really feel like staying late, but if it doesn't start until 8PM and we eat dinner first, I'm not getting out of there until at least 10:30 PM.  Who has a party on a Sunday night?

I need to clean my apartment today too, because my friend is coming to stay with me tomorrow. 

I'm boring myself so I'm going to stop writing.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Back from the beach

I got back from the beach and showered, and it felt so good to shower.  Now I'm watching the US game, which I taped.  I saw online that we lost though.  Now I have no teams to root for and no need to watch the games anymore.

The beach was fun.  The water had way too much seaweed though.  I found a spot without any and went in.  It was cold but felt good because it was so hot out.  Played some beach volleyball, but the sand was sooo hot that we buried our feet in the cool sand and didn't really move.  I dove a few times and cut my leg, which was funny because I didn't feel anything, just saw the blood.

Being out in the heat is a great appetite suppressant.  I love that.  I ate a lot of fruit, and that's pretty much all I want when I'm out there and it's hot.  No need for dinner either.  It's not like I need to eat three meals a day, they're overrated.

I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight after being outside all day.

I bought an ED book a few weeks ago but I just can't get into it.  It's kind of boring and that upsets me.  I never read so when I do read, I want it to be a good book.

Off to the beach!!

It's a gorgeous day and I'm off to the beach!!  YAY!!!  I LOVE the beach.  I wish it was surrounded by palm trees and that the water was crystal clear, but I guess I can't be too picky.  I'm ready to rock some serious beach volleyball too.  I just hope my bikini stays on when I dive in the sand.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Time for sleepies

I'm excited that I can go to sleep soon.  I'm excited that I'm going to the beach tomorrow, though a person was rescued from the water there today, second one this week.

I cut up some fruit and made some hummus to take.  I think I ate too much fruit today, but it's good and I like it.  My body might not like it so much tomorrow, but it's all good. 

I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to pick out a decent picture of myself to be used in a press release.  I think I found my favorite and sent it off to my mom to see what she thinks about it.  I have to write up some stuff about myself from back in my college athletic days too, but I don't remember all the awards/honors I received so I'm going to have to wait until I go home to look and see what they all were.  (I'm being kind of vague here, but oh well).

I'm kind of hungry but there isn't anything that I want here.  (Just got word back from my mom.  She likes the picture but doesn't think it's professional enough).  There is nothing that I'm in the mood for so therefore I don't know what to eat, which means I will probably just go to bed hungry.  Not a good thing, I know, but it is what it is.

I probably didn't eat enough today, but really, is that much different from any other day?  I guess not.

I just got really tired so I think I'm going to head to bed.  I'll check my kitchen one last time for something to eat.  I bought pretzels the other day (I don't want them right now), but I can't find them.  Ha.  I have no idea where I put them.  I was going to bring them to the beach.  Oh well.

I am dying of heat for some reason too.  I feel like I'm burning up.

I need to get up early and work out, but I don't know if that will happen.  I know I will get a lot of good workouts in next week, which is a good thing because I need it!

Nap time?

I am so tired.  I didn't really sleep much this week, especially with the traveling.  I think I'll take a little snooze.  I need to clean my apartment and unpack and stuff.  I have a friend coming to stay with me Monday, so that will be fun.

I woke up and weighed myself this morning.  I almost caved on Wednesday and yesterday, but I emailed Charro and she emailed me back and I didn't weigh myself.  So, I'm not supposed to weigh myself again until next Friday, we'll see how that goes.  Hopefully I'll weigh less next week because that would be nice.  I would greatly appreciate that and I think it's possible since I will be on a pretty normal schedule eating and working out wise.

Tomorrow I am going to the beach.  I'm hoping to play some beach volleyball.  I told the guy that I've gone out with a few times to round up his friends and be ready for some serious action.  Ha, I suck at volleyball, but I don't care.

So, nothing exciting.  Charro's still telling me to eat fat.  I like when she says things in Italian because it's really funny.  She said "polenta" today but used her big accent.  I don't know why she just can't say it like say it. Ha!

No nap.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

3 hours of yucks

Got on the train to come back to NYC and a huge storm came.  I think there was a tornado in one town because when we went through it, there were tons of trees down, but it was only in one area.  It actually made the NY news.  It was the lead story and they were live there.

That's not the bad part of my venture.  Got on the train, which proceeded to stop and go a bunch of times, so we were late.  I got in a cab, and I never take cabs but I had a ton of stuff with me, and the driver could only take me to a street near my apartment because he was "running late."  WTF is that about??  Seriously, don't pick up passengers if you cannot take them to their destination!!  While trying to get into my door, my luggage hit my big toe and split my nail in half in two spots.  Oh wait, half of my water bottle spilled in my laptop bag and there was literally about 8 ounces of water sitting in the bag.  Luckily I saw it and got my laptop out of there before it got ruined.  Got into my apartment and checked on my plants.  One tomato plant was completely dead because it didn't get watered all week because it was hidden and my friend didn't see it.  Hopefully I can revived it.  I took it into my bathroom and watered it and the water and soil spilled ALL over my bathroom, so there was water every where.  Then there was soil on my carpet.  I think that was my hellish afternoon in a nutshell.

I just got back from babysitting and am starving and need to go to bed.  I did just eat something so hopefully I won't be starving for much longer. 

Good news is that my AC is fixed.  Bad news is that Italy got screwed by the refs in the World Cup today.  They should have won the game.

A much smoother flight

I'm home safely.  We left right after the convention yesterday afternoon.  We JUST missed some incredibly severe weather.  If we didn't take off when we did, we wouldn't have taken off.  The radar was a huge mass of red, which is not good.  We got out of there and had a smooth flight, thankfully.  No barf bag needed.  I can't hear out of my left ear, but hopefully it will unclog itself sometime soon.

I'm going to hang out in the pool for a bit and then head back to NYC to babysit and see my babies.  I bet they missed me. :)  I will get to see my nephews for a little bit too.

Life will be back to normal tomorrow.

Italy is down 1-0 at the half.  They need to pick it up!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Runnin' the Riverwalk

We're going to try and leave tonight, after the convention, weather permitting.  That is great news because then I can get home and sleep in my own bed, instead of this smelly hotel.  I can get back to NYC tomorrow and babysit tomorrow night and make some money.  I can workout in a real gym in the morning.  Let's just hope that the weather allows us to leave this afternoon.

I went out for a run on the Riverwalk this morning. Well, that took about 4 minutes because it was very small.  Ha!  I came back and worked out in the pathetic gym.  Charro wanted me to only work out for 45 minutes but there was no way in hell that that was going to happen.  I worked out for 90 minutes and would have worked out longer but there wasn't much to do in the gym. 

She tried giving me a mini nutrition lesson the other day.  She goes, "I think you need a nutrition lesson." I thought that was funny and that all 2 of you who think I need to go see a nutritionist would appreciate that.

I have to go stand in the freezing cold convention center in a bit.  Brrr. 

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Oh what a flight

Or flightS rather.  Woke up at 4:15 AM, took off a little after 6 AM.  We (my boss flies the plane) made a pit stop in West Virginia because the weather was too bad to head out west.  He almost, and I was hoping he would, turned up back around to head back home, but that didn't happen.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention how I almost puked because we hit some rough weather.  I had the barf bag in my hands, that's how close I was to upchucking.  So we took off and then had to stop in Indiana because of bad weather again.  Left there 30 minutes later and, after hitting some more rough stuff and thinking we were crashing, we made it to Peoria.  I just showered and have to head to the wine and cheese party.  Woo hoo, two of my favorite things.  Just kidding. 

I'm so freaking tired that I think I'm going to die.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I need knock knock jokes

I'm supposed to email Charro a knock knock joke every time I want to weigh myself.  The problem is that I don't know any. So, if there is anyone out there who might be reading this and has some, I beg you to please send them my way.  :)

I haven't emailed her every time I've wanted to weigh myself thus far because I will bombard her and I don't want to do that.

Still here :)

I lugged my luggage to Charro's this morning.  Rule number 1, do not wear flip flops when you're carrying luggage for almost a mile...especially while going up and down stairs with a broken toe.  The luggage tends to land on the toes many times throughout the process.  Oh well. 

Had my sesh with Charro, which we both admitted to as getting way off track during too many times.  We did cover some important stuff though, so I guess that's good. 

I left Charro's and got on the train, called my boss and he was like, "You out of the doctor's office?  We might not leave until tomorrow morning but come into the office when you get here."  Well, I got there and he wasn't there and I heard we were leaving either at 6 PM or tomorrow morning.  So, I came home and had lunch and got to lounge in the pool and swim for a while.  The water was SO nice and I wish I could be in it all week.  Ahhh, I love it!!  I feel so chlorinated and gross after and have to shower right away though.

So, bottom line, I have to be at the office at 4:45 AM, which is fine with me.  I woke up at 5 AM today and have been wired all day.

So, tonight, dinner with my rents, Wal-Mart and then the grocery store...oh, and laundry too.  That's it.  Fly out in the AM and hopefully see some cool things from the sky.  Hopefully we'll arrive and come back home safely. 

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Packed for Peoria

I'm off to Peoria tomorrow.  Wow, I can't wait.  Ha!  I see Charro in the morning.  There's nothing better than lugging luggage through the streets of NYC at rush hour and then onto the subway.  The people love luggage on a sardine packed subway.  Awesome!!  I might have to splurge and take a cab to the train station after Charro, just to assure that I make my train on time. 

I'm packed and ready...I think.  :)  I almost forgot to pack workout shorts, which would have been a disaster unless there's actually a store like Target in the town.  I'm not sure what to expect of Peoria, lots of farm land I guess.  Maybe I can get some good corn on the cob.  Maybe I'll do a little research on the town after this.

I can't put my sheet on my bed because my cat is fast asleep.  Why do they always have to lay on the bed when you're trying to change the sheets?

I really want to weigh myself before I leave to get an idea of what I weigh.  I'm supposed to wait until Friday but I'm not sure I can.  I don't like not knowing, especially since I was not happy with the number last time I weighed myself.  Maybe I should just weigh myself.  The only reason I'm not is because I don't want to let Charro down.  I'm not really sure that's the right reason to not weigh myself. 

Anyway, wish me luck in the little 6 seater plane.

Don't want to move anymore today

If I didn't have to move the rest of the day I'd be so happy.  Walking to the gym and back was bad enough, and I had to teach class to one stupid person. (the person isn't stupid).  My body is just shot.  I think because it's so incredibly humid out (and in) that I am just done.  I don't want to move.  Unfortunately I have to go meet a friend in the park in an hour, that requires another 2-3 miles of walking.  I have to pack for my trip and make sure that cats and my plants are all set for the next few days.  My friend is going to take care of them for me.  Hopefully when I return my air conditioning with be back and fixed.  That would be oh so lovely.

I need to get dressed but I don't want to.  I'm in my bikini top and shorts and just sitting here looking at my fat stomach.  My little girl is next to me, sleeping with a smile on her face, and my little boy is on the back of the couch sleeping.  He may be smiling as well but I'm too far away to tell, and his face isn't facing me.

I guess I should get dress since I have to leave soon.  I just want to float in my pool and sleep.  Oh, I guess I can't do that since I'm not home.

Food break

I feel like I finally get a break from eating, and it feels good.  I wasn't stressed out about it or anything, but it feels nice to know that I don't really have to eat this week.  Well, I will be away on business with my boss, so there will be a lot of meals out, but I think it will be okay.  I think dinner will be the only thing we'll be having together, and that may not be every night, so that's good too.  There's a breakfast buffet in the hotel, so who knows what that will be like.  I hope they have a lot of fruit, but I will also be bringing my Fiber One.  I'll miss having my protein shakes, but I'll have one today.  Yum! 

I have to go teach aerobics and I'm not feeling it.  If people show up, fine, if not, fine. :)  I will still workout anyway, because I have to.

It's getting hot here, and very muggy.  Poor cats.  Too bad I can't put them in the bathtub.  Sleeping will be tough tonight.  I'm looking forward to catching up on my sleep while I'm away.  I sleep like a rock in hotels.  No street noises!! 

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Slow moving morning

I don't want to go to the gym at all this morning.  I guess it will be one of those half-assed workouts, but I have to go and at least do something.  I'm tired and I have a headache on the right side of my head.  I don't think I drank enough water yesterday, or it could be from running too because sometimes I get headaches from running.

I'd like to take a nice nap outside today, but I don't know if that will happen.  I guess it could.  I have to babysit this afternoon and then I'm going out.  I'm hoping to take some nice sunset pictures tonight.

I kept thinking yesterday was Saturday.  I'm so confused this week.

The weather is going to be so beautiful this week, I just wish I could be home and in my pool all day long.  I wonder if my hotel in Peoria has a pool.  I could lay out most of the day Tuesday if it does.  I need to check that out.

My cats are going crazy.  They're quite spastic this morning.

This oil disaster kills me.  It makes me so mad and sad to think about all of the animals/sea life and the water, coastlines, and how it's affecting everyone down there, tourism wise and stuff.  It's so bad.  What a huge freaking disaster!

I guess I should get dressed and ready to work out.  I guess I should eat breakfast too, but I'm not hungry.  Blah.

I've decided that my toe still hurts.  I thought it didn't, but it does.  It doesn't hurt a lot, but it's still bruised and funny looking.  I think I chipped a bone in there.  Oh well.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Hot cats

The air conditioning man finally came to take my AC away and fix it.  Too bad it's going to be 90 degrees and humid all weekend and into next week.  I will escape my sauna of an apartment, but my poor cats will not and I will worry about them because I won't be here to know if they are overheating or not.  I don't like worrying about my babies.  Too bad I can't fill the bathtub up with ice cubes and have them go in there for three days.  Maybe I should take the rugs up off of the bathroom floor because the tile will be cool for them to sleep on.  Hmm, I should do that.

I told my boss that I had a doctor's appointment at 9 AM so I will get home, or meet him at the airport around noon.  Thankfully Charro can see me an hour early.  She's so good to me...and I'm lucky she doesn't have her 8 AM this Monday.

I still have 90 minutes before my date.  What am I going to do in this spare time??  I could start packing for my trip.  I could take a nap.  I will have to get dressed at some point, but that takes all of five seconds. 

Okay, nap, Seinfeld, get dressed.


I finally made a hair appointment today.  I haven't had my hair done since February and I desperately needed it done 3 months ago.  Better late than never. So, come the first week in July, I will be blonde again and have some ends that don't feel like hay.

I just took a shower and had more hair than usual fall into my hands while I was applying my conditioner.  I wonder how much hair is normal to have fall out.  I am going to google that.  I don't think I'm malnourished so I don't think that's the problem, though clearly it's something on my mind because I know hair falls out.

I'm a little hungry but I have a date in 3 hours so I don't want to eat now because then I won't be hungry for my date.  I need to drink some water because I think I'm a little dehydrated.  I ran to a bar to meet some friends to watch the USA game earlier and I didn't have water.  I downed 2 glasses there but that wasn't enough.  Funny thing is, it took me less time to run 4 miles than it did for me to take the bus back home.  Now that's a problem!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Just 2 ounces, that's all it takes

It's always a good day when I write 50 posts during the course of it.  Yah.  So, I've decided that if I gain literally 2 ounces the next time I step on the scale, I'm going on a serious non-food plan.  If that's what I have to do, then that's what I will do.  When I step on the scale next Friday, the numbers better be lower or I will go into serious freakout mode and Charro may have to commit me.  Well, I wouldn't go that far, but it won't be pretty.  So, I'm gonna hope for the best and next Friday can't come soon enough.  I'm sure my time will just fly by while in Peoria. (Ha).  I think they say spending 3 days there is like spending 3 months.  I actually don't mind going, now that I can still see Charro Monday morning.  I just am not happy about my means of transportation.  I'll be a tad nervous, unless all weather conditions are perfect.

Step aside, food

I told Charro that I gained 2 pounds and she said, "That's good."  I said, "No it is not!?"  She said, "Yes it is.  You need to gain weight.  You'll be healthier, you'll look better..."  I was like, "Um, no I do not need to gain weight."

I am sure this two pounds is not here to stay, at least it better not be, so I'm not all that worried about it.  I can't weigh myself again until next Friday, though I'm not sure how well that will go, since I'm going away and all.  I might be too tempted to step on the scale at the hotel gym during an "I ate too much and feel disgustingly fat" episode.  I don't know what this business trip is going to be like since it is only my boss and me.  I am thinking that I'll have a lot of free time so I plan on working out a lot, since there is probably not much else to do in Peoria, Illinois.  Hopefully I won't really be eating much.  This week it has been non-stop meals out with people.  I have dinner out tomorrow night and Saturday night with two different guys too.  I can't wait to get away from it.

Anyway, I think this next week of staying off the scale is going to be hard.  The past two weeks haven't been bad, but this one most likely will be.

Titles are hard to think of

So this not weighing myself thing, not really working out.  Last week it worked out well, this week, end result sucks.  Last week I was very happy with the number when I stepped on the scale, today, not so happy at all.  I gained 2 pounds.  I thought I'd weigh myself today, since I'm seeing Charro today, so I could be all cranky and complain to her.  I really don't think there's a point in discussing any of it with her because she doesn't want to hear it and it won't solve anything.  The only real way to solve the problem is to not eat and lose the weight.  So, that is what I shall do.

I'm thirsty...

Oh, I had a crazy dream last night.  I dreamt that I went to see Charro at the office where she works that is a day treatment program.  (That's where I'm going today).  She brought me into this room, it was more like two small rooms attached, and there were like seven other therapists there.  I looked at her and go, "What's going on?  Are they going to leave?"  She said, "No, this is what we call an intervention."  So, I ran the hell out of there and hid in the halls for a while.  One of the women who was in there came out and was looking for me.  She finally found me and tried to convince me to go back in.  I was like, "No way!"

There was more but it's not important, plus I have to get ready to go so I don't have time to write it out.  :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Stupid people and I'm annoyed

I'm in a crappy mood today.  Maybe I'm just pms-ing or something, which it could be but who knows.

The landlord, or who ever she is lady, called me about my air condition yesterday.  That pissed me off.  They're trying to blame me on the broken AC, which is BS.  I never used it after they "fixed" it last year, so who's to say it was ever fixed?  Oh yeah, and it's 1000 dollars to fix.  I told her I can't afford it and will not get it fixed.  She said that they're going to fix it regardless and I said that I was not paying for it.  She said, "We have to fix it.  You'll die in there."  I said, "I'd rather die!"  I was SOOO pissed!!  Grrr!!

Thank God I get to play field hockey tonight because I really need to get some anger out.  Then I'm going to play Seinfeld trivia after.  I better burn a lot of calories too, but I can't stay for all of the field hockey game.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Toes, kids, back walkovers


The first picture is of my toe, obvi.  It doesn't look that bad actually.   The second picture is the one I took when I woke up yesterday morning, before I stubbed my toe.  I thought it was funny.

I can't wait to go to sleep.  I love sleeping, but I can't seem to do it past 5 AM.  Last night horrible smells were wafting into my apartment.  I did not like that one bit.

I saw Max from Dancing with the Stars today.  Actually, I spoke to him because I was at his studio taking a free lesson.  They tried to get me to sign up but I don't really think I can afford $109 per lesson.  Um, can anybody?  Maybe I should quit Charro and dance.  Ha, I don't think insurance would cover that.

Charro had on white pants today and still looked skinny.  Why is that so completely unfair??  Errr.  I'm seeing her again Thursday instead of Friday this week, which I actually like better.  Maybe she will too and we can change our slot.  That would be fun.

I desperately need a haircut/color.  I haven't had it done since Feb. 17 and the bottom two inches are like straw.  The top two inches are very dark brown.  Whoops.  Maybe I can get it done in July.  Look how much money I've saved though.  Well, not a whole lot but some is better than none.

I want to think of some good stuff to talk to Charro about on Thursday, but I don't know what that will be.  I'll have to think and make a list if I come up with anything.

Last night I had the brilliant idea to try and do a back walkover.  Well, I failed miserably and almost injured myself.  WTF??  I used to be so good and now I suck.  I can still do back tucks and back handsprings and layouts, but not a stupid back walkover.  I didn't even do it from the standing position because I was scared to death I'd fall and hit my head and get yet another concussion.  So, I started on the ground and tried to walkover from that point.  FAILURE!  I am going to try again right now.  Oh wait, I can't, my cat came back inside and he will get in my way like he did last night.  Doozy.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


My fourth digit is a lovely shade of deep purple, as I stubbed it very hard against one of my coffee tables this morning.  A few choice words came out of my mouth and then I continued about my day.  I put on my sneaker to go teach aerobics about 45 minutes later, that didn't feel so good.  I can't wait to show it to Charro because we often discuss digits and how she does not like the separation of digits, like in my "claw" shoes and those "Barefeet" shoes people have.  It completely grosses her out and I get quite a bit of pleasure trying to freak/gross her out, so showing her my purple toe might do that.

I have a lot to talk to her about tomorrow.  My exciting news, my last day with Stephanie, my date (mainly because she was SO EXCITED about it for some reason.  She was acting like an excited mom), um and probably some other stuff that I can't think of right now, but I'm sure there's something.

Ooh, I just ate a peach and it was good, but kind of tart so I have that tarty taste in my mouth.

I woke up this morning, opened my blinds and saw a bunch of kids sleeping on the roof of the building behind me.  It was quite humorous, so I took a picture. :)  I'll post it when I get it out of my camera because I think it's funny.

Ha, I just got another email from Stephanie thanking me:

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them, as well as your advice on the bathroom. I will let you know when I open a practice, although I am sure it won't be for a while. As I have said before, I have enjoyed working with you and have learned a lot in our time together for which I am very grateful.

(I told her that she should take her phone into the bathroom when she goes because people are always getting stuck in it.  It's the one I got stuck in the first time I went, when she had to rescue me.  She got stuck last week.  I really don't know why they don't fix it if people are constantly getting stuck in it).

Now here's where I analyze things.  She usually signs her emails "Best, Stephanie."  Today it was "Sincerely."  Hmm, any interpretations on that?  I like to analyze.

The Tony's are on.

I wonder why cats chose to sit where they sit.  I couldn't find my little boy today so I looked in my clothes closet and he was not there, so I looked in the front closet, which he sometimes sniffs out, and he was up on the book shelve sleeping on a bunch of bags.  I took a picture.  Maybe I should post that, but my closet is a disaster so maybe I won't.

I think I need to brush my tangy teeth.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

More on the bikini stuff

Standing in front of the mirror and Stephanie, having to strip down to my bikini was beyond awful. I felt like I was going to throw up. There was a desk between us, but I also took the desk chair and put it behind me so she could not see me while I was standing in front of the mirror. I felt so exposed and gross. All I could see was the fat hanging from my sides, the sagginess under my ass, and my huge, disgusting thighs. I wanted to die. (not literally). I remember thinking how I wish my hips bones stuck out more. I remember seeing my ribs when I stretched my arms above my head and thinking, "I should stand in this position the entire time." I remember wanting to throw up because she was seeing how huge and disgusting parts of my body are. I just wanted to take a blanket and wrap it around me.

I talked to her a little about this after, but wish I had the opportunity to discuss it more because I don't think I really got across how intensely I felt about it. I told her that I thought she was looking at me and thinking how gross I looked. She, of course, wanted to know why I thought that. My answer; if I can see how fat and gross I am, so can you." She, of course, disagreed with that logic. I just can't believe I let her see my body. Ew!

I gave Stephanie a card and baked her a treat to thank her for everything she had done for me, and for putting up with me. She sent me a nice thank you email last night. It was short, but sweet.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful card and scrumptious treat, both are much appreciated. The bark was delicious! I wish you all the best and have truly enjoyed working with you.

It makes me really happy that she liked working with me.

In other news, there was a street fair outside my apartment today. That made me very happy. My date last night was, eh, well, he was nice but not my type. Too short for me.

I emailed Charro and told her I received some very exciting news and wanted to tell her, but was going to wait until Monday. She emailed me back and said, "That is quite a tease." I guess it was, but I really want to tell her in person. So, I can't wait to see her on Monday and tell her my good news. I don't know if she'll think it's as exciting as I do, but we shall see. Maybe I'm overly excited, but I don't know. My parents are very excited and proud. They actually found out about this all a few weeks ago, so my mom was probably more excited that I finally got the news so she could express her excitement.

I'm tired and I don't want to eat because I am still full from my street fair food. I wasn't planning on eating, and wouldn't, but I'm going out to dinner with my friend now. I'm just getting veggies or steamed veggie dumplings.

My dinner last night was really good. We both split a few things, all of which were delish, but I got full pretty quickly. We ended up walking home, which was good because I needed to walk. It was only 2.5 miles for me. I had to go 15 more blocks after he turned off to go the other direction. He asked how I was getting home and I said, "I think I'm going to walk for a little bit." So, he joined me.

Friday, June 11, 2010

My last day

I had my last day with Stephanie today.  I walked in and she asked me if she needed to leave so I could change or if I wanted to talk first.  I said, "change into what?"  She was like, "That's what you're going to where?"  (I just had big shorts and a polo shirt on).  I said, "No, I have my bikini on underneath.  Ugh. 

So, we talked about how the week went and stuff.  Then it was time for me to get up in front of the mirror.  That was NOT fun in anyway, shape or form.  I was in my bikini and I wanted to throw.  I put a chair between me and her so she couldn't see me.  I told her I was going to throw.  She had to stop me a few times because she could sense that I was going to say something about myself that wasn't nice, especially when I got to my legs.

Finished that and we talked again.  She asked how I felt about us ending.  I told her that I was sad because I really like her and liked working with her.  Again, she told me that she really liked me and that she really enjoyed working with me.  She said she was going to miss me.  I said, "I know we can't go out for coffee or something, but I wish we could.  She said, "I know.  I wish we could too."  She's very sincere and I believe that she really does like me and would want to hang out with me.  I asked her if she'd say hello to me if we ever ran into each other. She asked me if I wanted her to.  I said, "Yes, I don't want to be ignored."  She said, "Okay, then if we run into each other we can chat.  It's up to the person to decide how they want to handle that for confidentiality purposes."  I said, "I don't care.  People have no idea how we know each other so you can totally talk to me."  Then I asked her some questions.  I asked her what she does when she's not "here."  She's in school and works at the school.  I told her she didn't have to answer the question if she didn't want to.  I asked her when she would be done with school.  4 years.  I said, "What?  4 years!  I thought you'd be done in a year!"  She said she'll have her master's in a year but she's getting her PhD, so I think she'll be able to see people in a year.  She told me I could continue going there for treatment.  I said, I would only go if I had her, but she's leaving in August so that won't happen.  I asked her how she got into the ED part of this and she told me.  I think that was it.  I asked her if I could email her and basically the answer was no, unless I want to update her on my progress.  Oh, and she said, "I really hope you can (she didn't say "get over" but something of the sort) and get to live the life you want."  Again, she was so sincere.  She's so nice.

Then I moved into another office while she made copies of things and she came back and talked to me for 5-10 more minutes, even though we had finished up.  Again she said how much she enjoyed working with me and thanked me.  I thanked her and went on my way.

So, that was that.  I'll miss her but I know she will do incredibly well in her career.  I was surprised that she kind of just fell into the ED stuff because she understands it so well.  Maybe she had her own experience, but I don't know.  She just "gets it."

I got back from Charro's this morning and opened my email to some very exciting news.  I was shaking because I was so happy.  I'm not going to talk about what it was though.  I was/am just so excited and happy.  :)  Yay!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Bosses are annoying

It's raining out.  I went up on the roof to try and get out of my own head and now it's raining so clearly I'm not up there anymore.

My boss is being such a dickwad and it's pissing me off.  He drives me completely insane.  I'm just lucky I'm not in the office with him everyday.  I feel sorry for those who are.  He makes me want to scream.

Tomorrow I can weigh myself.  Tomorrow cannot come soon enough.  Will I wake up in the middle of the night, when I have to pee, and hop on the scale then?  I don't know.  Will I do it at midnight if I'm still awake?  Maybe, but probably not.  I am scared and anxious to find out what I weigh.  I'm sure I won't sleep well.

I'm meeting my friend from high school for dinner after I teach tonight.  We're going to steamed veggie dumplings.  I'm addicted to those things.  I decided to look up the nutritional info on them today, and I'm quite thrilled to find out that there are only 25 calories in one of them.  That makes me happy.  I'm excited to see my friend too.  She lives in Australia now, but will hopefully move back to NYC sometime soon.

I'm going to bake something to bring to Stephanie to thank her for putting up with me these past 5 weeks...and the five before that.  That will hopefully make me happy.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to wear tomorrow, but she did say she would like for me to try a bathing suit.  Ultimately, she said she is leaving it up to me.

I guess I should go bake.  I want to get to the gym early so I can workout first.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Low lights of my day

First thing this morning my boss tells me I'm going to Illinois with him in 10 days.  That's not really the problem, the problem is how we're getting his little 6 seater plane that he flies!  He's a good pilot and I like flying with him if it's a short flight.  I do not want to spend 4.5 hours in this little plane, flying to the midwest, where summer thunderstorms and tornadoes pop up.  My mom is not too thrilled either!

My day got better...

Got on the train to come back to NYC.  Sit down and realize that I do not have my wallet.  I call my sis, who had just dropped me off, and told her.  She asked if she wanted me to have her bring it to the next stop?  That's what we did.  The conductor came and I told him that I just got on and didn't have my wallet.  He offered to let me ride free to the city, which was very nice, but I decline.  I'm sure he knew I was not lying about not having my wallet because I'm pretty sure I looked a bit frazzled.

Got off the train, called my sis and told her it was in my car.  I think she was just going to drive and give me money.  She went back to her house and got it and then drove to the other train station.  The next train was at 4:13.  My sister arrived after that.  The train ended up being 6 minutes late and I was able to run to the car, grab my wallet, run up the stairs and catch the train.  Good thing because I had to babysit tonight.

Ended up talking to this guy on the train, who forgot his phone in a cab.  Of course he asked me for my number.  I tried to get out of that one by saying, "you don't have a phone."  That didn't work.  Ugh.

Now, I can end my night!

Monday, June 07, 2010

Cat's on a dresser

Dare I say that not weighing myself has been pretty easy?  Interesting.  It has.

My contacts are bothering me.  I think I've misplaced a rib.  Well, it's not like I don't know where it is, I just think it's not where it's supposed to be.  I must have moved funny or tweaked it or something.

I'm meeting a friend and going for a run along the river in a bit.  She has to move back to Italy in August. The only good thing about that is that I have a place to stay when I go back, for as long as I want! :) Yay!

I was in the elevator with Charro after our sesh.  That's happened before so it wasn't too weird, but then after, we both walked the same way so that was a little awkward.  I didn't know if I was supposed to walk with her or go ahead or behind her.  Thankfully we parted ways at the corner.  Those situations are just awkward.

I should vacuum my apartment, though I usually do that on Thursdays. :)  I bought a new tomato plant today, so now I have 3 tomato plants and 3 pepper plants.  Hopefully they will thrive on my balcony.  My one pepper plant is doing quite well.

I get to see my friend who moved to Australia on Thursday.  She didn't move on Thursday, I will see her on Thursday. 

One of my players saw me on my date the other night.  Ha.  I'm sure she texted everyone and told them that she saw me out on a date. 

My cats are quite happy that the temperature has dropped about 15 degrees. I was just cold sitting outside.

I like big butts and I cannot lie.  That song has been stuck in my head for about 7 months.

I guess I have to eat dinner after my run because if I eat now I might blow chunks in the East River, which wouldn't be the worst thing the East River has seen. 

I like writing random crap.  It keeps me entertained.

Sunday, June 06, 2010


Yeah, it's finally cooling off in here.  It's already 3 degrees cooler in my apartment than it was at 10:30 last night.  I can probably turn my fan off, it's that cool.  It's 82 degrees in here, according to my thermometer. 

I made dinner but I don't want to eat it.  I ate some of it but I don't want to finish it.  I made black beans, brown rice and peppers on a wrap.  I am not full, I just don't want to eat.  I'm writing down my food and it's probably not a good thing because I'm seeing that I eat too many calories.  That is why I don't want to eat my dinner.  I'm supposed to.  I still haven't eaten the 1500 calories Stephanie wants me to eat, nor will I if I eat this, but eating this is still too many calories for me.

I had my body composition done today.  It told me that I burn 1354 calories a day, just doing nothing.  Whoops, I guess I'm eating less than I burn, never mind what I burn with my activities.  You'd think I'd get smaller if that was the case.  Oh well, I don't care.  It also measure the age of my cells, they're that of a 20 year old, by the way.  It did my lean body mass, fat mass, and stuff like that.  I was happy with the numbers. Who knows if they're correct but as far as I know they are.  So, I'll be happy with it.  I also scored a free one hour massage out of the deal.  Ew, I guess I'll have to tip the person still, but that's ok.

I thought we'd get some major storms today, but we didn't.  My cats must be so happy that it's cooled off. 

I don't feel like walking to Charro's tomorrow, but I will.  I'd run there, but I'm running tomorrow night.  Maybe I can leave myself a little more time to get there so I don't have to rush and walk 400 miles per hour.  We shall see what time I get up and get out of here.

I think I sat here long enough to not want the rest of my dinner.  I know, probably not a good thing but it is what it is.

I can't believe it's 7:40 already because it's still so light out.  I LOVE it.  It feels like 6 PM or something.

A hot night

My night in a nutshell.

A boring date where I sat there and drank water as he drank beer.  I was starving but we did not order food.  So, I got home and ate.  He was boring, but a nice guy.  He didn't make much eye contact, which bothered me a bit. Oh well.

Took my cats next door to sleep, though they weren't too happy.  They cried and and smelled everything because my friend has a dog.  So, I brought them back here and we all slept here in my 85.5 degree apartment. 

I woke up at 3 AM absolutely starving, hot and with a headache.  I peed, ate a piece of bread, and grabbed my pillow and a blanket and went next door.  I slept until 7:30 AM.  I came back to my apartment, fed my cats, took Aleve and went on with my morning.  Now I'm off to teach.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Living in a sauna

My air conditioning is broken.  Apparently the compressor blew.  Whatever!  So, they can't get permission to fix it until Monday, which means it won't be fixed for a week.  It's supposed to cool off this on Monday, so I should be okay by then, but right now, I'm dying!!!  It's currently 86.4 degrees in my apartment.  My cats are dying too.  I'm going to take them next door to sleep at my friends place tonight.  She and her dog are out of town so we'll crash there.  These guys are so hot with all of that fur on them.

I have a date in 2 hours.  I'm not sure were we're going, but he's going to come up my way and then we're going to go get drinks somewhere.  Well, I think that's the game plan.  I don't know how he'll react when I order a water.  We shall see.  I don't know what to wear though.  Shorts?  A little skirt?  I don't really have anything cute.  I have some dresses but I think it's more casual than anything, so my little dressed wouldn't work so well.  Maybe I'll just go with a khaki skirt.

So here's exactly what I have to do for Stephanie:

No weighing until next Friday - once next Friday
No compensation for no weighing meaning no extra exercise, no restricting of food - trying to tolerate the uncertainty and then writing about how it works out or doesn't work out, what is interfering, what is facilitating, etc.
It is not restricting if you aren't hungry. It is restricting if you are convincing yourself that you aren't hungry.

(I had asked her if it was considered "restricting" if I wasn't hungry).

I wonder if she and Charro discussed this when the spoke on Thursday.  If she told her what she was going to have me do this upcoming week.

Ooh, I'm going to go take a nice, cold shower now.  It's going to feel soooooo good.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Mirror study, sesh 4

I was supposed to wear a bikini today, which I did, but ended up leaving my shorts on for the mirror exposure part.  I informed Stephanie that I was sort of going through the motions when looking in the mirror and she informed me that I was "disconnecting."  Therefore, she wanted me to just keep my clothes on and not disconnect.  Next week, our final week, what I wear is up to me.

She said that she and Charro talked about my weighing and a bit about my family.  That was about it.

My homework for this week is going to be nearly impossible.  I am not allowed to weigh myself for the next week.  That's not even the tough part.  She wants me to "not restrict" and eat 1500 calories a day.  Ha!  That's a bit funny, I think.  So, not only does she want me to NOT weigh myself, she wants me to eat MORE!  Um, hello.  So that means when step on the scale next Friday I will have gained 5 pounds.  I don't think so.  The not weighing I will really try hard to do, but forcing myself to eat more...I don't think so.  I said to her, "So I guess I normally 'restrict,' (she goes, "you guess), but when I can't weigh myself I tend to restrict more, so what if I just do my normal way of eating without the restricting more?"  She said she'd like me to not restrict at all, if possible.  Hmm.  Is it restricting if I'm not hungry??

I told Stephanie that I was sad our time was coming to an end and that I was going to miss her because I like her and think she's helpful.  She said, "I'm going to miss you too. I like you too."  That was nice.  I really wish there was a way that I could see her and Charro.  I know that seems weird, but I get a lot out of seeing her too.

I need a nap.  My AC isn't working.  They "fixed" it last year but it's not working now.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Yummy cherries

I bought 2 lbs of cherries for 4 dollars today.  What a deal, and they're great too.  I think I ate a pound of them already.  Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll take a nice shadubee and lose 5 pounds.  I would be totally okay with that. 

Okay, I really just want my phone to ring and have it be Stephanie because I can't take this waiting anymore.  I'm guessing that she and Charro STILL have not spoken and it's making me crazy.  I hope Stephanie doesn't talk to her today and then think, Oh, I'll see her tomorrow.  I'll just fill her in on what we discussed then.  I can't wait until tomorrow afternoon here people!  AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Okay, I don't feel better after fake screaming.  [ARGH!]

I bet I get stuck in a T-storm either walking to the gym or walking home.

And they still haven't spoken

Charro and Stephanie still have not connected with each other.  Geez in a freaking box!!  Seriously, 4 days and they can't reach each other?  This is annoying.

Yesterday I woke up and went for a run, showered and then went to meet up with my brother, who was up here for two days.  He flew in Tuesday night and flew out this morning.  So, I went across the river and hung with him, then my parents and sister drove down so we could all spend the day together.  It was so nice.  A beautiful day weather wise and it was nice for us to all be together because that doesn't happen all that much.

I felt bad because my parents dropped me off last night and I didn't get home until 11 PM, which means they didn't get home until 1 AM, which means my poor little nephews are going to be so cranky and exhausted today. 

You know what sucks?  I have to wear a bikini in front of Stephanie tomorrow.  I don't look good and I don't want to stand there.  It's going to suck.  At least I'm tan, so that helps me look better.  I don't want to see Charro tomorrow because I sent her an email on Saturday with all this random crap and she emailed me and said, "Let's talk about your email on Friday!"  Well, I don't want to talk about my email.

I am going to clean this morning, then I have a meeting, and I have to teach tonight.  Maybe I can lose 3 pounds before tomorrow.  Probably not though.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Should get "back on that horse"

I'm back in the city.  Now, I sit here wondering if Stephanie and Charro finally spoke.  Charro sent me an email this morning saying that she was going to try and touch base with her today.  Let's hope they're not playing phone tag for the next 4 days and that they spoke today and that I will hear from Stephanie at some point.  I just want to know.  I'm sure there will be a lot of phone tag going on.  I don't know what Stephanie does for work when she's not at the study place, so I don't know what her schedule is like, but I know Charro isn't the easiest person to reach.  Please, oh please let me get a phone call today.

I shouldn't weigh myself but I think I might.  I can get back on the horse tomorrow.  Yesterday was a washout and I weighed myself twice today.  Well, three times if you count the time I woke up to pee, but I had some clothes on so that doesn't really count.  Okay, so I'm failing a bit at the "only weighing once a day" thing this week.  It's okay.  I'll only do it once tomorrow. 

My kitties are happy to have me back.

Tomorrow I will spend the day/night with my bro.  My rents and sis and nephews will join us in the afternoon. 

That's my life in a nutshell.  I had a great few days basking in the sun and pool and playing with my nephews.  Now I'm back and don't have to eat. :)