Friday, April 30, 2010
I told Charro that I have two weeks to get in shape before this mirror exposure stuff starts. She said that I can't be using this to feed my ED. Well, I can't go in there fat. My rolls will be hanging out of my shirt.
Maybe I should just go to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up skinny...or at least feeling better.
I was laying out when she called so I answered those questions while sitting in my bikini. I was on the phone with her, looking at my body and thinking how fat I am. That feeling has not gone away. I asked her if I would be eligible for more studies in the future (b/c I had just done one), and she said that she would talk to Steph because there is one that is coming up but she would have to talk to Steph to see if I was eligible because Steph has all my clinical info. So we shall see about that. I enjoy doing the studies.
I made minestrone soup yesterday. I've decided that eating it makes me fat. I weigh way too much this morning. I still look and feel disgustingly fat and I don't like it. I might freeze some of the soup so it doesn't go to waste because I don't want to eat it anymore. I know it's mostly veggies and beans, but still...I'm getting fatter. I just want to have my protein shakes all day long and nothing else. Well, not all day long, just for lunch and dinner.
I have to get ready to go to Charro. I don't want to go and talk. I'm sick of talking and thinking. I just need to workout for 9 days straight.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Oh, then there was the glass in my food. I called the restaurant yesterday and they are sending me a gift certificate. I wonder how much it will be for. I didn't get a chance to tell them how big the piece of glass was.
Yesterday I went home and realized that I didn't have my spare keys, 5 minutes before I was supposed to get off the train. Got in touch with my sis and she had the spare that I leave with her, so I walked to her car and got my keys out of her car (she was working), then walked to her house, got my real keys which I had her leave in my car that day, then went back to her car and got my stuff out and drove home. My mom had my other spare set that I usually have with me.
Got to work and my boss decided that I need to go to Long Island today so that meant I had to come back to NYC last night because my trip to L.I. was 2 hours out and 2 hours back and I needed to be back for my game this afternoon. The other lady and I finished what we had to do in 2 hours. Our boss knew about this project for two weeks and decided to tell us yesterday afternoon that it needed to be done today. My co-worker had to fly down from way upstate NY.
I am speaking to "The 12 year old" at 9 tonight for my final follow up for the study. It's nice that we get to do it over the phone. Yay. I start the mirror stuff on May 14. That is gonna be tough.
Tomorrow I need to workout for 9 days since I didn't get to work out today or yesterday. Ugh. Hopefully it will be warm enough for a rollerblade in the park and then I will teach class.
Now I need to watch American Idol from last night and then I talk to "the 12 yr old" in an hour.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I went to Target after and bought some workout clothes. My body is a little tired today but I'm going to head to the gym soon and workout a little bit. I don't have to teach this morning, which is kind of nice.
I need to cut my ananas (pineapple). I hate cutting them up. It's messy.
I'm going house hunting with my friend and then a bunch of my friends are going up to the Bronx. Yay. Hopefully the rain will stop. It's cold out too, though. I like warmth!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
It's snowing in Colorado. Yuck! Just thought I'd report that.
Study Steph called me yesterday to let me know what the deal is with the mirror exposure part of the study. She called and said, "You seem anxious about the study so I thought I could tell you more about it and you can ask me questions. Maybe you will be less anxious about it." I thought that was nice of her. Basically it's 5 sesh's and I have to look at myself from all different angles (fun) in the mirror and then we talk. FUN!!! She said she's going to try and get me more fitting/tighter/revealing clothes each time. I told her I was going to wear a snuggie. Then I told her I was kidding and that I didn't own one. She said, "Well, if you show up in a Snuggie then I know you went out and bought one just for this." Then, later on, I said I was going to wear my bikini. She goes, "Do you own a bikini." I was like, "Uh, yeah, I own like 10 of them." She said, "Really? Do you wear them?" I was like, "Um, yeah, I have a bit of a tanning obsession which is worse than this." Then she asked me what I think or say to myself when I see myself in a bikini. I didn't expect her to ask me a thought provoking question over the phone when we weren't having a sesh. It was a real question. My answer wasn't very thrilling. Oh well. So that was that and I will see her on the 14th.
Today I am going to practice/run in the park. Then I am bike riding to Brooklyn. Biking in the city scares me because I hate other bikers and cars! Normal fears, I believe. Today is the last nice day for a while, so I want to be outside all day.
I guess I should get ready for practice.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I had a dream last night that I had my sesh with Charro outside on the sidewalk, underneath a long table. There was a film shoot on the street so the table we were under was being used by the production team. I had put my wallet in this blue thing on top of the table and forgot about it, but I'll get to that later.
So I showed up for our sesh and we had the same outfit on; blue pants and a light purple button down shirt with a white shirt under it. Weird. I was like, "We're wearing the same thing" and we laughed about it. So we both laid down on our backs underneath the table and proceeded to have our sesh. There were people walking around everywhere around us, doing their work, and we just didn't care and had our sesh. Bizarre, but whatever. I remember seeing one of the guys and he was kind of cute so I mentioned that to Charro. She asked if I was going to talk to him and I said yes. We ended our sesh and we both got up and she went inside into her office building. That's actually when we laughed about our matching outfits.
I got up and realized that I lost my wallet so I asked some guy and he had found it and gave it to me. I was happy about that. Then I went over and talked to the cute guy, but I had to leave because it was 7:10 PM and I had to get downtown to see Kruger. Yep, Kruger. I was apparently still seeing her once a week. I thought my appointment was at 7:40 but apparently it was at 7:10 and I realized that and told the cute guy that I had to go.
I got to Kruger's and went into the bathroom. It was a big bathroom and had a bathtub in it. I was about ready to pee and the shower curtain opened and there were two people in there. One was my cousin's wife and the other was a nurse who was taking care of her. Both were clothed. So, I ran out of the bathroom and went into the waiting room. It was more like a playroom, with lots of kids, toys and moms. I was sitting out there and then Kruger came out to get me. I guess I wasn't late anymore. We went into her office and I think I was annoyed. I brought a ball in and was bouncing it and kicking it. I think I put on music too and she turned it off. One of her sons came in and she told him he had to leave. I think she might have been pregnant too. She had two sons that were playing in the other room.
I don't really remember anything else, but I do know that I did not like Kruger in my dream and I was annoyed with her. At least that is consistent with how I feel about her in real life! :)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I don't know what the dealio is, but no food has appealed to me over the past few days. I haven't been hungry either. I feel like everything I eat is making its way out of me anyway. Maybe I'm fighting off some sort of stomach thing or something. I feel okay, I think. I've been craving chocolate a lot for some reason, but it's not time for me to be craving chocolate. Tonight I made double chocolate chip cookies and didn't even want them. Oh well, that's cool.
So I was baking for "the boys" I was supposed to hang out with at the Martina concert on Friday not, but now I'm no longer going. My friend's husband messed up the dates of the wedding he's in so now she can't go to the concert because they'll be at the wedding, which he thought was on Saturday. I'm actually not upset by it, which is really weird for so many reasons. I think I just knew it would be so stressful to try and get to the concert on time with my schedule and the Friday night traffic. So, I think that's why I'm not too bummed by it. I told my friend that we'll just have to go the show in Atlantic City this summer, which would be better anyway because I would not be so rushed!
So, that's that. I need to put my cookies away. (Get your mind out of the gutter). I want to go to sleep too. The sun beams in here so I wake up early.
I haven't really been reading blogs lately, so don't take offense if you haven't heard from me. I'm just trying to clear my head and focus on other things. I still think about ya'll.
I went for a nice run in the park this morning. It was gorg out. :) That's short for gorgeous. Then I came home and was taking out my pigtails so I could take a shower, but clearly wasn't patient enough while pulling one of them out because I ripped a whole bunch of hair out along with my elastic. That felt nice. I probably have a bald spot now. Actually, it wasn't that much hair, but enough. I hope grays don't grow back in their place. That would suck. I have some of them already.
My follow-up appt. for Friday was cancelled and I'm waiting to hear from the 12 year old to find out when she wants to do it. Steph gave her my contact info so you'd think I'd hear from her soon, considering the fact I'm supposed to go on the fourth week. Oh well, she'll probably call or email me while I'm at practice. I think I might be able to do it over the phone, which would be nice, instead of going in there. Yay! That would rock. Part two of the study starts on May 14th. I told her I was going to wear a "Snuggie" but that got no response out of her. Ha!
I don't want to stand at practice for 3 hours.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I just made some macaroni but I don't want it. I made sauce too, but I don't want that either. I don't know why I made either of them, but I wanted to try making the arrabiata sauce with the new recipe I had. It didn't come out like I wanted it to. I made some broccoli and ate that, but I didn't want the pasta. I don't know what I'll do with it. I offered it to my friend next door, but I doubt she'll want it. Oh well. I'll stick it in my fridge and then it will get all stuck together because I won't put the sauce on it.
I watch the Italian news when I'm home at night. I don't know why I watch it. I hope I'll learn how to speak the language, but so far that hasn't happened. I still watch it anyway.
I'm not hungry at all, which is fine. I forced myself to eat the broccoli, and I had a couple of pretzels. I ate a lot this morning because I had to get up early, so it probably all evened out.
I hope American Idol is only an hour tonight, but I doubt that I can be that lucky!
You know what I love??...when I reach into my bag and put my hand in cat puke. Yum!! So nice, right?
I popped out of bed when my alarm went off at 5:33 this morning so I could go teach aerobics, only to have 1 person show up. Ugh, seriously!! That was nice, right? I was filling in for someone. At least I got a workout.
I learned that edamame does not break down during the digestive process.
I am not starting part 2 of the study until mid May. That's kind of annoying because I just want to start it and get it over with so I won't waste my Friday afternoons during the nice weather, but the place is closed the first week in May. Oh well. I go back this Friday for my follow-up. I'm kind of over answering the same questions all the time, but I guess I don't really mind.
That's all. I'm boring myself.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I'm really just sick of thinking about everything (at least today I am). It just gets annoying to have my brain constantly thinking about stupid things. I just want it to be clear of everything.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
It's cold here...and a bit rainy too. We had practice this morning and I would have run with the girls but I just wasn't awake enough. So, now I have to force myself to go to the gym in a little bit and run, run, run. Why must I run? Well, for one I have to somewhat "train" for this stupid half marathon. Secondly, I have to get rid of my fat so I must run. Fun!
Okay, so let me get back to my fatness for a second because it's my blog and I can! I really would like to chop off my love handles. Seriously! I need to just cut them off. Oh, Charro has her work cut out for her...as does poor Steph when I start part 2 of the body image study. Seriously, I know I joke a lot, but the whole mirror thing is totally going to suck. Oh well, I signed up for it. It will be a learning experience...or something like that.
I babysat last night and am babysitting again tonight. Woo hoo!! Easy money is the best. Love it. All I have to do is go upstairs too, which is even better. I don't need to wear shoes.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Charro said I was pensive today. I guess she's right. I'm also very tired for some reason and totally want to sleep. I had this crazy dream last night that I was in my bed in my bedroom at home. I'm not sure if my bedroom was in my house or in a hospital, though I think it might have been in my house. I do know that it was dark in there and I wasn't allowed to get up or leave. My brother was taking care of me. He was always by my side and making sure I was okay. I'm not really sure what was wrong with me, though I do know I had a lot of really bad raspberries (cuts from diving on turf) on my knees, shins, and behind my knees. I think they were so bad that I couldn't walk very well, so I think that was part of the reason why I couldn't get out of bed. I think I might have been in bed because of the eating stuff.
Charro was also by my bedside a lot, trying to comfort me and make me feel better. I remember thinking that she needed to leave and go to work because she was spending too much time with me and she had other people to attend to. I remember thinking how nice it felt to be cared for by my brother and Charro.
My mom was mad at me in my dream. I don't know why. I think she just didn't understand what was going on and it came out in an angry way, which is not how she is at all in real life.
So, that was my dream. I am hating my body big time right now. I changed my clothes before I went to Charro this morning because I had enormous love handles that I couldn't stand, and ham thighs. I told her that she was going to think I was having a psychotic episode because I want to take a knife to my fat love handles and chop them off. I can't deal with myself. I'm fine with my weight, but I am not fine with how my body looks. I just feel like I need to run and run and never stop until all the fat melts off of me.
It sucks to feel this way. I think that study totally screwed with my body image. Ugh. I don't know. I just want to sleep!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I don't know why, but I'm very tired. I just want to take a nap.
I'm going to get free lunch today. There are a bunch of places giving away free things because it's tax day, and there's a restaurant near me giving away sandwiches with a drink purchase. Not bad.
I thought about cooking today, but I don't see that happening. Maybe Saturday I will cook since I have nothing else to do and it's going to be cold and rainy. Yuckers!
I think my sesh with Charro tomorrow will be good, coming off of Monday's sesh. We shall see. I feel like we can go back and pick up on where we left off. It's still mind boggling to me that she said that I am "not doing well." I want to go back to that one with her.
So, maybe I should get dressed. I've cleaned and vacuumed, thought about mopping/polishing my floor, and thought about cooking. Getting dressed would be a good idea now. I should do work, which I haven't done in a very long time because my boss' mind is completely elsewhere. I need to be productive though. I should get on that.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Speaking of, I am going to see Martina again next weekend. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. It's going to be some serious rushing around to get there but we'll make it work.
Tomorrow is cleaning Thursday. I can't wait to vacuum. I need to so badly, maybe mop my floor too. Yay for cleaning. Yay for sleeping tonight too. I don't know why, but I popped up at 5:30 this morning and I was wide awake. I've also decided that I want to be a professional ballroom dancer. I better get started on that. Only problem...I hate wearing shoes...especially heels.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I'm seeing my friend H. tonight. I love H. Haven't seen her since Thanksgiving.
So yesterday Charro said something about me "not doing well." I said, "What?! I'm not doing well?" She said, "You think you're doing well?" I said, "Yeah, well I don't think I'm doing 'unwell.'" She said, "Really? (in that voice) Really, let's just take a step back. You really think your life is okay?" I said, "Well no, but I don't think I'm not doing well. Why do you think that?" She then went into her explanation of the situation. To me, being "unwell" means being physically unhealthy. She did say that don't know how my bones are, etc. It was just really weird to hear her say she doesn't think I'm doing well. She means mentally more than physically only because she knows I can be living a better life. She doesn't think that I'm miserable or anything, just wants me to be happier and enjoy life more.
I'm drinking tea and need a nap. :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
We talked a lot more about all of that stuff and it was a really good, long sesh. I like when they're deep like that. I like when I feel like we talk about important stuff. I mean, we always do, but this was really good stuff.
In other news, I get to have Steph again in part two of the study. I am not really looking forward to the study, actually, because of the whole staring in the mirror thing. Ugh, it's going to suck. I am going to wear a Snuggie. Maybe I should order one now. :)
I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I'm exhausted. Yay for sleeping.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Doing laundry is fun. :) Well, it's not all that bad, but it is annoying to have to pay to do it. That's what bothers me.
I ended up babysitting for this family in my building last night. They're babysitter got sick and I got lucky. 2 and a half hours of 3 well behaved kids and 100 dollars. Wooo hooo! Best part is, they want me to babysit again on Friday night. If I could do this 4 times a month, I will be all set with a little extra money. Seriously, how sweet is that? They need to use me twice a week. That would rock! I would totally forgo my not so active social life to babysit twice a week.
I drank 50 gallons of tea today at my little tea place. I pee 50 times after that. I'm supposed to eat dinner but I'm not in the mood. I guess I didn't really have lunch either, but I had some snacks, so it's not like I didn't eat anything. The meal thing just didn't really happen. Eh, it's all good.
I'm watching "Whatever, Martha." I love this show. It's sooo freaking funny.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I was starving before but now I'm not hungry at all, which is so nice. I love not being hungry and not having to eat. Oh, that's right, my "hunger cues are off" and I'm "supposed to eat" anyway. Ha, I don't buy that one.
I'm totally going to bring up how Charro called me fatter yesterday. That was awesome. Seriously, loved that one. (Not)! I've gone back to weighing myself more than once a day too. Whoops. I thought of that just now because I need to get up and weigh myself.
Okay, I seriously might fall asleep in 2 minutes.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Anyway, I told her how I didn't understand how I am getting fatter when my weight is staying the same. She said, "That's good." (me) "What's good?" (her) "That you're getting fatter." "Why?" "Because." (me) "'Because' is not an answer." (her) "You're right, because you'll look better you're healthier." I said, but I don't get it. Then she went into the "I think it's hard for you to understand that our weight fluctuates all the time" schpiel and I was like, "No, my weight is the same. That's what I'm saying...why am I getting fatter when my weight is the same?" She said, "Well, maybe your scale is wrong...or your perception." (me) "Both (scales) of them?" (at that point she asked me how often I'm weighing myself, but I was also talking so she became more interested in what I was saying and failed to ask me the question again). So basically, I got no answers. Great.
I think I'm going to try and make foccacia bread. Last time I failed miserably so I will try again.
I'm supposed to think about why I am so hard on myself and where that came from. Any ideas? I could use a little help with that one. :)
Thursday, April 08, 2010
I'm still feeling fat and gross. I don't even think working out and teaching tonight is going to change that. I'm going to try hard, but probably not going to happen. I have too many fat rolls pouring out of my body. It's gross. Blah.
I realized I like not being hungry. Well, I guess I knew that. I also like reading ED books, but I definitely knew that. I need to get some more so if you have any suggestions, bring them on.
Guess I should get ready to go. I have a feeling no one is going to show up to take class because it's so nice out. I must bring my Ipod so I can work out if no one shows. They always stroll in late too.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
I think I'm fatter than ever right now. I know that my weight is the same, but I look and feel fatter than ever and I hate that. If I didn't weigh myself, I'd probably just stop eating because of the way I look. Maybe I should do that anyway. I don't know why I am gross stuff. I'm disgusted with my body. I know what Charro would say. She'd say that as one's weight decreases their body image gets worse. Well, my weight isn't decreasing so I can't say that's what the problem is. Who knows.
I do know that I love when I'm not hungry. That makes me happy. I made some veggies for dinner and ate some, but wasn't really hungry. So, I stopped. Plus my mouth was on fire from the habanero I put in there.
I just hate this never-ending fat feeling. I know that if I showed up in a bikini and stood in front of Charro, she would see me exactly how I see myself. I would never do that, but if I did, I would be mortified. She would see that I'm not skinny and don't have an E.D. She'd definitely retract her you're "underweight" statement. Blah...fatness. I can't stand my body right now. I haven't been able to stand it for a while but it's gotten the best of me, well not really "the best," but it bugs me enough to write about it.
Last night I had dinner with my sis and the boys. It was the little guy's birthday. I can't believe they're both getting so old. :(
I have a knot in my shoulder/back and need a massage. I always have knots from carrying bags around all the time.
K, gotta get ready.
Monday, April 05, 2010
I made this for Charro about a year ago. It's [geez]. Now, if you don't know, this was transpired from my FFJ days. Charro wrote "geez" and put a box around it in my FFJ. I started saying "geez in a box" everytime I said "geez" and it sort of became a funny thing. So, I decided to make her a [geez] in a box. Get it?? :) She cracked up. Since today was our first day in the new office, she had it with her because she had to take it from her old office. I happened to have my camera with me so I took pictures. She kept moving while she was holding it, which is why the pics are sort of blurry. I love [geez].
So, I took out my camera when I got to our sesh this morning to show her pictures of my Easter dinner. I told her I'd take pics of my plate for her so she could see portion sizes. Well, you can't really tell how big or small something is in a picture. Anyway, I took out my camera and I guess I pointed it at her or something, because she goes, "Are you going to take a picture of me??" I was like, "No...and even if I was, would you really let me?" I would imagine that she would not let me, though it seemed like she was going to let me...if I was, in fact, going to take a picture of her. That would just be weird!! So no Charro, I am not taking your picture. :)
Oh, she didn't say she "forbids" me from running the race, said she is "ordering" me not to do it because I have a "history or compulsive exercise and am still battling it."
I wasn't going to eat dinner if I wasn't hungry, even though I know that I'm supposed to. I had some almonds throughout the day, because that's all I had in my bag. Good snack food. :)
I am trying to air out my house from the water in the basement situation. Smells lovely. ;P Actually it's not that bad.
Charro forbid me to run the half marathon I signed up for. She then seemed to not care so much if I run it after I explained that I "sometimes like running." Yes, I do not want to run 13 miles, but still, I paid for it so I'm doing it. I told her if it was pouring rain that day that I wouldn't do it. :)
Time for dinner. Maybe I'll write some more later.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Last night I met and hung out with fellow blogger Kristin. I think she was a little surprised to meet me and find out that I am "sooo old." ;) That's okay, you looked like you were 12, Kristin. ;). We went and had tea...LOTS of tea. Then we left and headed to Dylan's Candy Bar. While walking I realized that I had left my bag at the tea place and we hauled ass back there. Luckily it was there. Phew! I am an idiot, and kept repeating that one over again. Went to Dylan's and then just hung out. Hopefully she had fun. At least I know she made it back to her hotel safely, after I steered her in the wrong direction. (Sorry about that).
Now I must get my crap together and figure out what time I need to leave. Blah. Can't I just sleep?
Friday, April 02, 2010
It was a good sesh. I filled her in on my week. I'll remember more details of everything when I listen to the sesh. A week or two ago she said, "You know it started off as a joke, but now I really count on you for the weather forecast." I thought that was funny. So yesterday I emailed her and said, in the subject line, "Friday's forecast calls for..." and in the body of the email I wrote, "Red pants, purple shirt, and gold shoes." She emailed me back, "Very funny!" She wore that outfit once and I thought it was the strangest combo so I eventually was able to make fun of her for it and then I wore that outfit on Halloween to make fun of her. The best was when I was watching TV in Italy and some man had on red pants and a purple sweater. I nearly died. So, today I looked at her outfit and made that "what's up with the outfit face?" and she looked at me and said, "Your email was hysterical." Ha. She knew what the face was for.
As much as it sounds like we don't talk about anything, we really do. I just usually report the funny stuff because, well, it's funny! :)
I forgot to pay her so I emailed her and said, "Clearly I forgot to pay you. IF I show up to the new office on Monday, I will give you your money then." (When she says to me, "I'll see you Monday/Friday" I always say "Maybe, if I show up.") That started with all of the office changes. So she wrote back and said, "no problem, I will hope to see you nice and early on Monday - I think the curiosity is going to get the best of you!" I emailed her back and said, "Actually, I'm sitting in front of the building right now." As I was typing that, I realized that I have no idea where her new office is in the building. So I was like, "Actually, you may not see me because I have no idea where your office is." She got back to me with the details. Phew!
So I went to Central Park a million times today and walked 300 miles. I'm shot and now I have to bake Easter pies. I think I'll sleep well tonight. My legs were tired after my walk to Charro's and then I had to go on two more with friends. I hope they feel like running tomorrow because I'm meeting a friend to run in the park. Ugh! Not looking forward to that.
Okay, I guess I should try and make these pies. Crust first...we'll see how that goes. My dad always swears in Italian when he makes the crust. I've helped him make these pies for years so I should be okay. I'm bringing them to Easter dinner on Sunday. I'm going with my Italian friend to her friend's house. I don't know these people, but I do know it's going to be a traditional Roman Easter. No lamb for me though. I need to google it and see what other foods will be there. They're going to try and force feed me. They're Italian!!