Sunday, February 28, 2010

Kind of graphic/gross

I am not one to talk about my bodily functions all that much, but now I am officially freaked out. Do not read on if you don't want to read about poop. I've had a mucus in my poop for the past week or two. This morning I noticed blood in there as well. Freaked out much?? Yep. My dad had colon cancer. I have NO other symptoms of anything else that my research says I might have. Research shows it could be Crohn's Disease, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, and some other things. I have no other symptoms associated with any of these things. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to the doctor next week. Though I don't really want to say, "I have mucus and blood in my stool." Can I say "I have ... when I go to the bathroom?" Maybe that will work. Now I have 10 days to freak out about this all until I go to the doctor. I don't want to tell my parents either, but I guess I should. It's kind of important.

K, gotta run and teach class. I feel like I look worried.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Friday, February 26, 2010

Lots of things today

This is going to be a long post, though my hands and right arm have not thawed out yet.

First the day started with me not feeling so well. I almost cancelled my appointment with Charro. Note to self, do NOT eat 2 large salads in one day...and if you do, do NOT plan on leaving the house the next morning.

Got to Charro's and we had our sesh. The office situation is a mess. One more week in this office. I am going to make the super some treats and give them to him. :) Then we go to this other office, but that's temporary because the office she will be moving into, which is not in Kruger's suite like she was 98% sure it would be, is being renovated or something. GEEZ in a freaking box. What I know, and don't like, is that the office is on the 10th floor and that it's in a big suite. I like where I am now because it's a small place. Blah!! Freaking office changes.

From Charro's I hustled to the study, and was a bit later than I hoped in getting there because of the snow. (We had 18 inches, by the way. Pictures to come later). I got there and the woman was very nice. I apologized for being so late (10 minutes later than I had hoped to be), and she said, "I didn't think you were coming." (b/c of the weather). She was supposed to see someone at 1 PM, but I'm guessing the person cancelled because she thanked me for braving the storm and coming out. I filled out a LOT of papers for the first 75 minutes or so. Then she came in and we talked for an hour. I felt very comfortable with her. At one point I thought about how I just did NOT feel comfortable with Kruger and how I instantly connected with this woman.

So there were 2 random body image studies and she had to pick a random envelope. Lucky for me, I do NOT have to stare at myself in a mirror at all. I don't really remember what I have to do, I think just talk. I told her I suck at talking (this at the end) and she wanted to know if I thought she thought that I sucked at talking. I said, "you might." She said that I don't.

At one point I had to reference Charro and how she threatens to "fire" me, so I had to say "my therapist," something I have never said in my life. So I said to S. "I hate that word." She said, "What? Fire or therapist." I said "The sencond one." She asked why and then said, "you can try saying 'I have a therapist.'" I said, "No, that's ok, unless you REALLY want me to."


So I go back next Friday for more talking. There was a scale in there. I was nervous she was going to weigh my but she didn't. Thank God. Not that it would have mattered, except for the fact that I had a lot of clothes on and it would have been more.

Here's the best part...I left and went into the bathroom in the hall. It was a single handicap bathroom. Well, I couldn't get out. I was stuck in the freaking bathroom. Then, from the outside, I hear a voice that said "help?" (that's all I heard). Then I heard it again, "Do you need help?" (They probably thought I was a 90 year old handicap person and could hear me struggling with the door). I said, "Yes." Well, guess who opened the door? Yep, my S., my therapist lady. I was like "Do a lot of people get stuck in that bathroom or am I the only moron?" She said, "No, a couple of people have problems. And now I see how you talk badly about yourself." Then we both got in the elevator. Let's replay that: The bathroom rescue, and then having to get in the elevator with her. Only me. Really. It was funny.

Then I went to the park to take pics. Lots of downed trees. A man was killed yesterday when I big branch fell on his head. Sad.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

More snow!

Well, it's snowing...again. We're supposed to get 8-12 inches of snow and it's not supposed to stop until tomorrow night. Getting around tomorrow is going to be fun. Or should I say, rushing around, because that's what I'm going to be doing. I can't really run on icy/snowy sidewalks so that is going to hinder my getting to the study "just a few minutes late." I hope the lady isn't mad.

I can't wait to walk to the gym tonight. Lots of snow falling and 60 mph winds. That will be fun. I'm sure I won't blow away or anything. Awesome. It will make getting there harder, which will be good physically. It's all about the workout.

Little cat is sleeping my both of my arms and body right now. She's too cute. Ooops, she just lifted her head.

I NEED to go into the park and take pictures tomorrow. I will do that after my study, since I'll already be up that way.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Ew, tight dryer clothes

I just took a t-shirt out of the dryer and put it on. Every freaking fat roll and fold is being sucked and it is so uncomfortable and gross to see. Thank God I'm just wearing the shirt under my sweater. There is NO way that I'd have it on by itself. FATNESS ensues.

I saw an old (sometimes) friend (when she isn't in her bipolar, let me not acknowledge your presence) at the gym today. (Has not been diagnosed as bipolar, as far as I know). Well the past few times I saw her at the gym she didn't say anything to me. Not even a smile. I know she saw me because she walked right by me while I was on a machine. This happens ALL the time with her and I totally don't take it personally because it's just how she is. Well today, we literally ran into each other in the locker room. We talked for a bit and then I went to work out. She came up on the machine near me when I was finishing up and she called me over. (At this point I had a tank top on. She saw me in my sweatshirt earlier.) She goes "Are you eating?" I said, "yes." She said "Are you sure because you look like you lost weight?" I said "yes, I'm just walking a lot." I'm sure she didn't buy it, but I don't care. She knows I see Charro so she asked if I was still seeing her. (Again, I haven't spoken to this woman in over a year). She asked me if it was going well and I said yes and that she just got back from maternity leave. We didn't talk further about it because there were people around us. So, that was it.

Okay, really feeling so fat and gross in this shirt!! I need it to stretch out, which is why I have it on still.

In the dark

I started to write a post and then the power went out two sentences in. So now I am sitting in candlelight and a fire in the fireplace (gas) typing in a document because I can't get online.

I am home alone in my house and our street is completely dark. It was kind of a little freaky when the power first went out because I'm all alone in my house. I don't think it's coming back on anytime soon. They say most power outages are restored within two hours, but I'm thinking this might take longer. I hope that's not the case because I don't want to freeze tonight while I'm sleeping. I might just go to bed right after I finish typing this because there's clearly nothing else to do.

The whole gas fireplace thing scares me, to be honest. I just have a fear that there will be a gas explosion and the whole house will blow.

Right before the power went out I attempted to sew my jeans. I apparently step on the left leg of them and they ripped. This is the second pair that it has happened to. So, I got out the sewing machine, which is scary in and of itself and tried to thread it and set it up and sew. Well, the jeans are a mess but I don't really care. I did it...sort of. My mom was impressed that I figured out how to work it.

What if I die of carbon monoxide poisoning or something tonight? No one will know because I won't get this posted before I go to bed unless the power comes on soon. I'm missing American Idol, by the way.

We are going to have nasty weather here for the next few days. Today was sleeting and raining and gross. I don't think it's doing anything but drizzling out now, so there's no reason for a power outage.

I am going to get blood drawn tomorrow, for my physical in 2 weeks.

Three more days until the study. My weight is acceptable for me right now, so if it stays this way until Friday, I'll be okay telling them what it is. They've already asked so I wonder if they will really ask again.

I can't floss my teeth because I can't see what I'm doing. I've already brushed them. I will wash my face in the dark and I guess I will just go to bed. Ugh, I will have no idea what time it is when I wake up because all my clocks will be messed up. That's annoying. Guess I'll have to keep my cell phone on tonight. I usually turn it off at night.

That's it. This post will make no sense by the time it actually gets posted but oh well. Maybe I'll just go to sleep on the couch for a little bit.

(Power came back after midnight...4 hours later)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Sleepy, not sleepy, sleepy

Two seconds ago I was wide awake, wishing that I was tired because it's "past my bedtime." Wallah (not really sure how you spell that), I'm tired now. :) Yeah for sleeping. Now I can go to bed.

I have to say that I'm kind of trying to lose weight before I go to this study on Friday. I guess that's normal and bound to happen. I didn't say it was acceptable, but it's normal. I really can't wait to see what they're going to ask me and make me do and stuff. I'm quite curious. I've been googling the lady who I'm meeting with but can't find anything out about her. I want to know her credentials and stuff. I hate not knowing things. Scratch that, I REALLY hate not knowing things.

It's possible that we may get "measurable snowfall" Thursday into Friday. I actually kind of hope we do. I'd rather have that than rain. No rain please. I don't mind walking in snow, but no rain!!

I guess I'll go to bed, though now I'm really not tired. I want to weigh myself, but I won't. I did that enough today. Here's the difference, before I used to "HAVE" to weigh myself, now I just kind of want to don't feel all anxious when I don't, and wouldn't if I didn't.

Wait, I think I'm tired again. Time to floss and wash face. Already brushed.

Off my ass

Coaching starts up again for me next week. I'm looking forward to it for a couple of reasons. One, it gets me off my ass and out of my apartment. It gets me walking a lot more, which sometimes equals a little weight loss. :) I am coaching lax (lacrosse), which I've never done before, so it will be a challenge. I actually haven't even picked up a stick since college so maybe they should be coaching me. Should be interesting. I also think it will be better than field hockey, because I think I'll like coaching with the guy I'm coaching with more than I liked the girl I coached field hockey with.

I am not looking forward to standing outside in the cold all the time. That is the worst!!

I feel gross today, like I need to just eat veggies all my life. I kind of feel like I need to lose weight before I go to this study on Friday. We shall see what happens. I think they'll look at me and say "there's nothing wrong with you." It's not really an ED study, from what I gather, it's more like a body image study. I think my body image is pretty decent. Some days are bad but for the most part I don't think it's that bad.

So sick of hearing about Tiger Woods.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Study concerns

I had a little get together last night with some of my friends. It was a room full of accents. One of my friends is from England and the other from South Africa. I love accents. I made pizzas and they enjoyed them. One of the doughs was weird, but whatever. We played games and chatted. It was a good time.

Today is supposed to be really nice, 45 degrees and no wind. I might have to head to the park.

I ordered new eye glasses yesterday. I've had mine for over 10 years and they got a little bent out of shape. I went with a pair that I would never go with but got talked into. I have 30 days to change my mind, free of charge. :)

I am starting to think about this study I'm doing. I feel like I'm not disordered enough or thin enough or sick enough to be doing it. What if I get there and the lady thinks she doesn't look like she has an ED. Or what if, during all the questions I have to answer, I'm not disordered enough with my answers? Those are my concerns. I can discuss them with Charro on Friday, since it's right before I go for my first study sesh.

It's a balmy 34 degrees right now.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Another move/Study

Ugh, Charro is changing offices AGAIN!! This is the fourth time. I told her last time that I was going to quit if she changed offices again. Guess where she is probably moving to?? Kruger's suite. Yep. Good location, but I hate the waiting room and the bathroom situation. (you have to buzz to get in the door to get the key to the bathroom, go to the bathroom, buzz again to get back in. That's a double buzz to your T, which I find to be annoying). I won't see Kruger because she is not there on Mondays. I guess I wouldn't really care if I saw her. She hates me anyway. :) The location is good because if it's cold and rainy, I can stay underground most of the way because it's right off the subway. It will save me 5 minutes too, but that means I will never see my favorite super of Charro's building. I LOVE HIM. He's a little Mexican guy named Pedro and last week I saw him for the first time since November and he hugged me and kissed me. He's just so nice and cute and I love talking to him. I will miss him. :(

Anyway, so that changes happens on March 8th. Yuck, I hate change and she has been changing up a lot of things the past 3 weeks. She started right off with this one today because she knew that it would affect me. Good call on that!

As for the study that I am doing, I go next Friday right after Charro. I have to haul ass there because I'm supposed to be there at 11 and I don't get done with Charro until 10:45 and I have to go a pretty long way. It's all good. I'll run and get there fast. I told the lady I would be a few minutes late. She said the first sesh will be 1-2 hours long. Should be interesting. At least I will be in therapy mode.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Qualified

So I qualified for a study. This one I actually have to go to a hospital for and apparently stare at myself in a mirror. Should be fun. I don't know anything about it other than that it's a "mirror exposure" study. I really want to know what kind of clothes I'm going to have to wear. If they make me wear spandex I will die. The therapist who I'm going to work with is supposed to call me tomorrow. Ew, this is weird. I really can't believe that I'm actually going to do this. I guess I have to go five times. Funny how my brain goes to, "Okay, now I have to really get in shape and lose weight so I don't look all fat in front of him/her (I hope it's a her)." This is nuts.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Pretty snow

I so wish I had brought my camera home with me because everything was so beautiful last night and this morning with the snow. I went outside and plopped myself down in the back yard last night and just laid there and watched it fall. I laid right in the snow and it was great. I shovelled too, which I love doing. I got to do it twice yesterday. My parents miss me living at home when it snows because I'm not here to do the shovelling.

I am sitting on the heater now. I love this spot, though it hurts my bum. Getting my hair done this afternoon and then heading back to NYC. Maybe I can fall asleep on the train. I hope the stupid train isn't too crowded. Hate that. It better be warm on there too. It's pretty cold sometimes.

There is no food in my house because no one is here. My dinner was pretty bad last night, but I don't want to spend money on food. I had some applesauce that I had made, just had to defrost it, and a mini bowl of dried cheerios. Dinner of champs. I was fine with it though because I didn't want to eat anyway so that was kind of my excuse to not have to eat. It happens.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Let's just throw it out there...

I kind of want to be as skinny as Kelly Ripa, though not look as boyish.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Oops, I'll do it again

I thought it would be good if I weighed myself a million times tonight. Well, not a million, just three times in the matter of 2 minutes. I still have one more time left because I will weigh myself without any clothes on and see how awful it is. Blah!

I had a great day with my bro-in-law and nephews. The little one is eating some crackers and then we will both go to bed. I'm wiped...and not skinny enough. I'm going to stop calling myself "fat" because I don't like that word and because I know that I'm not overweight. I just don't look the way I want to look right now.

Did I really write 3 posts today? Geez in a box.

It's Monday, which means nothing

I love feeling fat and gross. It's just the best feeling. I wish I never had to eat, or could just puke after I ate or work out for 90 hours a day.

Little men coming

My brother in law (soon to be ex bro in law), is bringing my nephews in today. I'm going to keep the little man over night since the big guy stayed with me last time. I guess he is excited. He told my mom that he was coming to stay over night with me. He's too cute. Maybe we'll all go to the crepe place. I think they would enjoy that and I didn't get there last time with my other nephew.

I need to go to the gym. I should run but I don't feel like it so I will probably just do the elliptical. I feel like I don't get a good enough workout from the stupid kind they have at my gym. My other gyms have the better ellipticals. I feel like I've been slacking with my workouts. Oh wait, that's probably because I was away for 8 days. I forgot about that. Duh.

My tan is starting to flake. It's very depressing. :(

I don't like my weight right now. The thing is, I shouldn't really care about it because it's still so not acceptable in Charro's eyes, or our "agreement" rather. Oh yeah...that agreement which I didn't really agree to. This weight would have been more than fine with me a few months ago, now it's not. It's not killing me or making me really obsessive, so that's a good thing.

I still have 3 more weeks until Charro comes back to twice a week. She pushed it back a week. This is the longest maternity leave in the history of man. (Besides you Canadians). 4 months off. That's a record.

I guess I should get ready to go to the gym. Blah. It's so fun and exciting. One of my friends just moved near me and I've convinced her to join my gym so I will have someone to work out with, which makes it so much more fun.

Why am I sooo sleepy? I could go back to bed.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Bad tea poetry

I drank way too much tea.

Now I'll have to pee.

At least I'm not hungry.

Actually, I feel kind of pukey.

I should eat dinner

Because it's that time.

That won't make me thinner.

I needed something that rhymed.

I don't like the spacing in this post.

I turn my heat down at night so I don't roast.

This poem is stupid,

just like Valentine's Day and Cupid.

Maybe I'll eat.

I'm not too sure.

I'd rather just sleep.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Really? Are you messing with me?

Charro and I were talking about my parents and the little comments they made while I was with them in Florida. I said how I didn't like when other people made comments about my body in front of my parents because I didn't want them to raise concern. She said, "I don't think they're concerned. I have to break it to you. It doesn't sound like concern to me. I think you're clear."

(I jump in) "Are you messing with me or are you being serious?" (I couldn't tell)
"I'm being serious. I think you're clear."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"You do?"
"Yes, I don't think your parents sound concerned. I don't know them, but from what you tell me they don't sound concerned. Concern is let's sit down and talk about this. What's going on? I don't know them, but it sounds to unbelievable to me that they wouldn't be having had read your blog and all that, but it sounds to me like they're not acting concerned so if we're going to look at their actions as markers of how they feel, then I don't see concern there."

So I was kind of shocked by Charro's response there. I honestly thought that she was messing with me. I think it's great if they're really not concerned but I can't believe she thinks I'm in the clear with them and that they aren't concerned. I really hope that's the case and they're not concerned.

So tonight I ate dinner at 4:30 and decided that I should be done eating for the day. I had some tea...lots of tea and am going to brush my teeth soon and hopefully go to bed early. I don't need any more food. I need less food.

I am watching speed skating.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Trying to stay off the scale

I'm the loser sitting home on a Friday night and about ready to go to bed. I feel like I've gained 30 pounds today and I want to weigh myself. I keep telling myself that nothing good will come out of it. I will either way "too much," which will most likely be the case, or I will go beyond my weighing myself once a day thing. I know once I start weighing myself more, I will keep weighing myself more. Let's be honest, I should get rid of my scale all together but that is NOT going to happen any time soon. Charro said I should just get rid of it, but please. Not happening.

It looks like I'll only go back to seeing Charro twice a week. Two weeks ago she gave me what would most likely be our new schedule and the only day she said she was "positive" she now can't do. What's up with that? I'm guessing that she just doesn't want to come in that early before her 9 AM meeting, or can't because of child care or something. It sucks. So it looks like I'll be going Monday and Friday. I'm not really happy with that schedule. I'd rather do like, Tuesday and Friday, or something, but it's not like I have a choice. I will miss going three times a week though. I feel like (right now), having to wait another week to see her is too long. I feel like my brain is spinning. She did say that she may have more time during the week, she's just not sure yet. I'm not too optimistic though.

Did I already say that I feel like I've gained a million pounds? I might have. I'm so tired and need to go to bed in a few minutes. I'm watching the opening ceremonies at the Olympics. I feel bad for teammates, etc, of the luge guy who died. Sad. Kind of a bittersweet night for them.


I need to empty the litter box.

I've realized that I've come a long way since I started this blog. Those of you (all two of you) who read it now might not know it, but if you've been reading from the beginning (yep, that's you Frida) then you can hopefully see that. Charro always tells me that it's okay to take two steps forward and one step back. Well, I think I take two steps forward and four steps back, but that's okay. I don't care all that much.

Okay, I'm really going to bed now. My glasses are all bent and I can't see out of the correctly. I need to get them fixed.

A predicament

I was in my sesh with Charro this morning and I had to pee. Now, I go to the bathroom when I get there every week, but I drink a ton of water in the morning because I'm so thirsty so I always have to pee when I leave there too. Anyway, 10 AM rolls around and I still had 45 minutes left and I really had to pee. I mean, I probably could have made it but why should I have suffered, so the office phone rang and I took that as a good opportunity to ask if I could go to the bathroom. Charro looked at me and goes "Really? I guess. I don't want you to go on the couch." Okay, I felt stupid for having to pee after I just peed before I went in there. I told her that I had too much water. Anyway, I realized that I had put my underwear on inside out when I went to the bathroom. I did not share that with Charro though. I do blame the incident on me being in an Italian drug induced state. I took the allergy meds I bought in Italy because I broke out in hives last night. So now I'm still all tired and spacey.

I am sure that post didn't even make any sense at all.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Good news/Bad news

Good news - My snowman is still standing.
Bad news - My snowman is still standing.

I taught aerobics at 6:30 this morning. I'm sleepy now. My weight is where I like it. Does that mean I can go a few days without weighing myself?? I don't know. Maybe I will try. I just start to get a little freaked out by the thought of not weighing myself. Like I said before, when I'm on vacation, I can deal with it. It's weird. I mean, I used to not be able to deal with it, but now I can much better. I guess I'm just afraid it's going to go up so I always have to check it. Looking back, I have gotten much better. I don't weigh myself 50 times a day anymore. That's a good thing, I guess. I'll never be "normal," that's for sure.

I should lay out today so I can keep my tan. It's 36 degrees. I can open my door and lay on my floor. Hmmm.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Contrasts

Yesterday this...
Today this...
Yes, I did make that.
You know which one I like better!!!

A few thoughts I had while laying at the pool

I don't think I had any thoughts while I was running/walking on the beach. I was too busy singing or watching out for man-o-war, shells and marine life. :)

I decided that I think it's weird that Kruger wore jeans to some of our sesh's. I don't have a problem with T's wearing jeans, but she doesn't seem like the type who would wear them. She's too proper and a "salad picker." Her personality (work-wise at least) does not fit that of someone who would wear jeans. Charro, on the hand, could totally pull off wearing jeans with her personality. She's not as analytical as Kruger, which is why I say that. She's more personable. She's worn jeans 2 or 3 times in 3 years and it is usually when she is "traveling." (flying).

I also realized that I could never eat with Kruger. If I had to eat something, let's just say french toast because that's what I was wanting the other day and that's what Charro will probably make me have for breakfast with her someday, I wouldn't be able to do it. I would feel like she would be looking at me and thinking I can't believe she's eating that. She shouldn't be eating that. She doesn't need that food. I know Charro wouldn't be thinking that but I think Kruger would be. Charro would be like, "Woo hoo, she's eating!!!"

I also realized why I like ED studies so much and why I want to partake in them. I like factual answers to things. That's why I like tests and stuff because I can see my results. I have them in front of me. Charro tells me several times a sesh that I have an E.D., but that doesn't really mean anything to me. If I took a test and the answers revealed that I have an E.D. then I would believe it more. Make sense?

Still snowing...

Oh, the not weighing in Florida went well, but now that I'm home I want to weigh myself a lot again. I don't know if it's because I have a scale here or if it's because I'm back in my element. Hmmm...?? Don't know.

Back in the white world

I am continuing with my "The weather people in Florida can't get it right rant." Yesterday it worked in my favor. They said it was going to be cloudy all day long. Well, the sun was shining and there was just some clouds, but I "turned a corner!" :) It was sad to leave and my flight took off in the pouring rain an hour late. The flight I was supposed to be on today was cancelled. They're saying 12-18 inches of snow. Ha, I don't believe it.

I had the most amazing view on NYC when I was landing. Flew right over the city and saw Times Square from the sky at night. Awesome, I have to say! Saw a race at Yonkers Race Track, and the jumbo screen was on at Yankee Stadium.

My weight is ok. I can't complain I guess, considering that I pretty much ate three meals every day. I didn't really gain any weight, maybe, at most one pound, but I guess that is okay because it puts me out of the "Charro would REALLY kill me" place.

Today I am going to the gym and unpacking and doing pretty much nothing because I'm sure none of my clients will be at work. If I had veggies I would make a soup. Maybe I'll make sauce or something. I don't have any food here. Oh wait, I never really have meals here anyway. :) It is a perfect day to cook, since I'm snowed in. I should have a "snowy dinner party." I don't know if anyone would come.

Okay, I guess I should get ready to head to the gym. I'm usually running at the beach at this point. So sad, no more palms and ocean waves. I did get some awesome grapefruit from my uncle's tree. YUM!

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Not so sunny last day

I've got 8 more hours left in the warm sunshine. Well, it's supposed to be mostly cloudy today. I will seriously flip out if I do not get sun!! I have a tanning problem and I NEED to get tan on my last day. Grr. Tomorrow, when I was supposed to leave, it's going to be SUNNY! Yep, sunny all day and I would have gotten some great color. It's going to be cooler, but SUNNY! Grr!

This morning my parents and I are going to breakfast and then heading to the beach for our morning workouts. :) They walk on the sidewalk, I run on the beach. My feet are nice and soft from the sand. I love it. I didn't go in the ocean at all, which makes me really sad. I should jump in today!

The only good thing about going home today is that I can weigh myself one day sooner. Well, the other good thing is that I get to see my babies!! They miss me! Back to the scale, if it is higher than 100 I might go a little crazy. I know I'll wake up at a good number if I'm at 100. I guess I should account for strange travel water/dehydration stuff so maybe I won't be too mad if it's higher than I want it to be. Okay, I'm done thinking about it.

My rents are still sleeping. Lazy bums!! I'm going to have an egg white omelette at breakfast and I don't want it at all. I would rather have something like french toast, but that's not going to happen. I am in the mood for something sweet, not salty. Oh well, too bad I have to go for the healthy option instead of what I really want.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Polly

It was two years ago today that Polly died. I think about her quite often. I miss her craziness, her laugh, and the way she would say "Palmtreechick! Palmtreechick! Palmtreechick!" She always had to say it three times. Or she'd just call me PTC. She was hysterical. I watch the videos she sent me and smile. Everytime I drive my car, I think of her as the palmtree keychain she gave me hangs with my keys. The green part that read "friends" is gone, but the rest is still with me. I sometimes go back and read the crazy letters that she sent to Jen and me. She superimposed pictures of us in there doing crazy things. Man, I miss her. I think about what our (Jen, P-Dawn, me) trip to Florida would have been like, if we ever actually got to go. We didn't get much past the picking a date stage. Those two years seem like forever, yet have gone by so fast.

Thinking about you, P-Dawg. Hey, I still want my bitchstick!! :)

Missing out

I'm leaving Florida a day early. We're supposed to get a big storm on Wednesday, the day I'm supposed to fly home, so I am leaving tomorrow afternoon instead. I'm going to miss out on a day in the sun, which is sad. I thought about leaving Thursday instead, but I'm afraid that I wouldn't get back in time to teach class that night. I'm afraid of the residual effects from the storm. I'm sad!

I'm fat too. It's great. I actually felt like puking last night and I didn't even eat that much. Oh well, it happens.

I'm heading to the beach now to look for shells and then I'll head to another beach to lay out. I need to get some serious sun in the next 2 days. I hate going home and flaking and peeling.

Oh, so last night this lady I just met said, "You're so tiny. Is your sister the same way?" My mom said, "Well she's (my sister) smaller boned but she's taller. They're built differently." The lady says, "I can't believe she could be smaller than you." Nice, right. Then later on, possibly the same lady, I can't remember, says "Are you a health nut?" My mom chimes in with "yes, she teaches aerobics too." Can we just NOT talk about me please?!

My dad needs to finish his breakfast so I can get to the beach!

Sunday, February 07, 2010

5 day flunder

Beach Cats



I've officially hit the day 5 of vacation and I don't want to eat anymore. I am here for another 3 days and when I get back home I won't have to eat, and that's a good thing. I know I won't have to eat and I think that will help me (maybe) get through the next few days. I know I've gained weight and I can't wait to get it off. With that said, it has been nice having a break from my scale and not being such a slave to it. I don't know how I can prevent myself from going back there though.

I just want to shed the three pounds that I feel like I've gained. I want to weigh myself too. I am drinking lots of tea and water because I feel like that helps. I never really the whole fluid restriction thing. Makes no sense to me. That just makes you more hungry. Whatevs.

I am going to a superbowl party tonight. I won't stay long. I hate football and it's going to be all old people.

I need to run 47 miles.


Saturday, February 06, 2010

Stupid weather people and fatness

Definitely feel like I've gained a bunch of weight at this point in time. I want to weigh myself. I want to burn a lot of calories and not have to eat. I want to feel skinny again. I don't right now.

I saw my uncles girlfriend this morning. We all meet at the beach and they walk and I run. She said, "Did you shrink?" I think she meant my height. Afterwards I was getting ready to rollerblade and I took my shirt off to wear my bikini top, and she said to my parents and uncle, "Look how skinny she is." It wasn't a concerned comment, just a comment. I'm not feeling so skinny, I'll tell ya that much.

I am so tired. Going to bed now.

Oh, and these weather people SUCK!!! They said it was going to be SUNNY all day and it was cloudy most of the day. Those F'ers!! I was going to go to the beach but just went to the pool instead. It will be too cold to go to the beach tomorrow. I need to go before I leave!!! There better be SUN the rest of the week. It's looking like rain my last day here. That is NOT good!

The visual up two

Charro is so happy that I haven't weighed myself since I've been here. I almost weighed myself at Publix the night I arrived but there was a man standing next to the scale so I didn't get on it. I promised her that I wouldn't weigh myself while I was here. She said, "You don't need to promise me." I said, "Yes I do because if I promise myself I can easily break that promise." I actually have been okay having not weighed myself. I know I've gained two pounds though. I can see it in my stomach. It was nice and flat when I got here and now it's not. I need it to be concave again.

I'm still waiting for my parents to say something to me, besides my mom's mini comments that are stupid. Maybe they won't say anything because I'm eating a lot. Hopefully that will be the case.

I can see that it might be sunny at the beach. Hopefully it will be by the time we get there at 8:30. The sky is more clear towards the water right now. I need some sun baby. Oh, funny thing, I emailed Charro on Thursday to confirm our phone sesh for yesterday and I said, "I've got my blinker on...so far I have a nice red stripe going down my forehead." She emailed me back and said, "Glad you use blinkers before turning." Ha!! I thought that was pretty funny.

I must get ready for my beach run. I don't feel like getting dressed and brushing my teeth and moving. I keep waking up so early here. The trains are really loud.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Grey toe nails

My mom and I were sitting outside at a little mall type area last night waiting for my dad. My feet were cold. My toes were a shade of blue. My mom was looking at my feet and said, "Your toe nails are grey." I was hoping she didn't want to "explore" that. She didn't. I need to paint my nails tomorrow. They were only that color because they were cold.

Rollerbladed today and I love my new blades. It was a yucky day so I did not turn any corners. Supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I will lay out all day. :)

Had my phone sesh with Charro. It was fine. Now I'm going to bed.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

New rollerblades

The red line of sunburn that is going down the center of my forehead is slowly fading into the rest of my face.

This morning I did an interval run on the beach. It was nice. I get my heart rate way up, which is awesome. It makes me feel better because I'm not working out for as long, but I'm working out harder than usual, which is all that matters.

I laid out all day. :) That makes me happy. My new rollerblades arrived and I can not wait to use them tomorrow. YAY! I will use them after my beach run and then rollerblade to somewhere where I can have my phone sesh with Charro. I feel like I got some sort of comment from my parents today, but I guess I didn't.

I was at the pool today and this lady, mind you they are all over 65, came over to talk to my mom. I was introduced to her. She kept saying that she wanted to adopt me and that I am so beautiful. Well, I hopped into the pool and I said, "Ooh, I can touch (the bottom)." She goes, "You're so small. You're like a little elf." Ha, which would be why I can't find a freaking pair of flats (shoes) anywhere! They don't make my size!! I did, however, score a pair of Reefs today for 25 bucks. They're the ones with the bottle openers on the bottom and they cost $46, but I found them in my size at TJs and I totally bought them. Well, actually my mom bought them for me. She loves me. I was just saying yesterday that I didn't think it was worth spending $45 dollars on them (never mind $46:), when my mom said that I needed new ones. I did say though that I did get 5 years out of them and that they are SO comfy so it might be worth the money. Well, I didn't have to spend the extra 20 so it was perfect.

Okay, I'm making sauce so I can make dinner for tomorrow. I am going to start a puzzle too.

Sharks!

There was a deadly shark attack right near me yesterday. Well, I wasn't at the beach, but it was not too far from where we are.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

My wrists

Today:
Ran/walked/sprinted on the beach.
Put on my rollerblades to rollerblade home from the beach only to find out that they had broken since I last wore them.
Bought a new pair. Should arrive tomorrow.
Got burnt in some areas during my 4 hours at the pool. One being the lovely red stripe going from my forehead to my nose where I obviously missed my sunscreen. Random other red spots also exist, including my hands, which one has a white spot where I got some sunscreen, part of my back, some leg areas, etc. :) Nice.
Walked to TJ Maxx.
Made dinner for my rents. Went to Publix for the third time since arriving here. LOVE PUBLIX!
Made crepes for rents.

At dinner my mom says, "Your wrists look smaller than ever." Um, okay, what is that supposed to mean. On our walk to TJ Maxx I mentioned how my inner thighs were sore. I looked at them and they were bright red. I said, "I wonder if this is sunburn or from them rubbing together?" She said, "If they rub together that means your legs are chunky." Thanks mom. I forgot her exact words but those were pretty much them. Turns out that it's sunburn.

Now...BED TIME!

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Rain and need sun!

My internet connection is not great right now. Hopefully it will get fixed tomorrow. My mom is having no problems with her 2 computers.

No sun today. Tomorrow there is supposed to be lots of sun. Run/rollerblade the beach tomorrow morning and then lay out all freaking day.

Got annoyed and yelled at my parents 5 hours after arriving. I guess it didn't take too long. I ate a lot tonight so hopefully they won't say anything to me.

I'm talking to Charro on Friday, I think. I'm going to bed in a few minutes since I've been up since 5 AM. I almost weighed myself at Publix but some man was standing right by the scale so I didn't want to weigh myself. I don't think he is going to care about my weight, I just hate people seeing me weigh myself.

It better be nice tomorrow or I will flip. I NEED to get tan and turn a freaking corner here people!!

K, bed time. Workouts start at 8:30 AM.

I actually did work today, since it was cloudy and rainy. Bossman doesn't even know I'm in Florida. :)

It's NOT sunny!!! :( (David)

Monday, February 01, 2010

Still can't believe I failed

I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well and I feel like I have a permanent hair ball in my throat. I'll take that feeling as long as it doesn't turn into anything else. I don't need to have a cold while in Florida! I won't get sick though.

I cleaned my apartment, did laundry, ate dinner, packed, have to double check my packing and then sleep. That's about it. I feel so bad for leaving my cats for 9 days. AWFUL. It makes me not want to go. I know, I'm such a crazy cat mom, but they are going to be so lonely. One of my friends might come hang out here because she just moved a few blocks away and doesn't have internet or TV yet, so I told her she could come hang out here.

I can't wait to go to sleep. I am so tired. As soon as I get into bed I am wide awake though. It's so annoying and I don't know what that is all about.

I still can't believe I failed the ED study test. I guess they want people totally starve themselves because when they asked me how many times a week I go more than 8 hours without eating, I answered "none." First he asked, "How many times a week do you skip two consecutive meals?" I said, "Um, it depends, what's your definition of a meal?" He then rephrased the question to the 8 hour thing above.

Shall I prep myself for my parents comments and questions yet? I don't want to. Can't I just pretend that none of it will happen and everyone will keep quiet? I wish.

The weather looks crappy for tomorrow. I am NOT happy about that at all. NOT AT ALL!! Wednesday it will be sunny. Thursday, cloudy! WTF. I NEED SUN PEOPLE!! Don't you know that I'm tanorexic!!!!??

I'm going to fall asleep in a second. I wish it was 9 PM so I could go to bed. I'd even go at 8 PM since I have to wake up early for my flight.

I failed the test

So I found this ED study online. I called about it and the guy asked me some questions and I didn't qualify to be a part of the study. What does that mean? Well, I think it means that I don't have an eating disorder.