Sunday, January 31, 2010

I feel like I ate too much today. I'm tempted to weigh myself to see what the deal is, but I'll stay off the scale. What am I going to do when I have no scale for 9 days and when I have to eat with my family for 9 days? Oh, that's right, I will probably freak out. That's what tends to happen. I will be working out every morning though, on the beach!! :) I have Wii fit to weigh myself on if need be, though Charro would be highly disappointed if I did that. I also have Publix (grocery store), and they have a big scale when you walk in. I don't trust it but it's better than nothing. Hopefully I can go 9 days without weighing myself though. I went 10 days in Italy, but that was totally different. I was busy constantly and walking around 10 hours a day, so I wasn't worried that I was gaining weight. Here I will be because I will be much less active and having to eat with my parents all of the time. Fun!

I need to unpack some stuff. I have too much stuff! I haven't even packed my workout clothes yet. Oh dear.

Packing

I told myself that I was going to pack light this trip. That's not going so well...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

The mention of "The Agreement."

I told Charro about my new bikini and I said, "I could put the top on backwards and it wouldn't make a difference." She said, "I'd like to see how the octogenarians react to that." (Because all the old men hit on me when I'm in Florida). Then she said, "Well it's your fault. It's the first thing to go when you don't eat." I said, "No, it's my mom's fault." Okay, but my mom does have some chest, my sister got implants (still so against those even though she didn't get big ones) and yes, perhaps my lack of nutrition does inhibit my pidos a bit, but I don't care. As an athlete they just get in the way anyway. However, I would like to not look like a 12 year old boy.

So I brought up with Charro how talking about my weight doesn't get us anywhere. How we discuss it and we get nowhere with it and it's pointless to discuss. Yes, part of the problem is that I do not weigh what she said I "need to weigh" in order for her to continue seeing me, but that other problem is that I don't want to weigh that much. So, we just don't discuss it. I don't mention numbers and she doesn't, and hasn't asked since before her maternity leave how much I weigh. So while I was saying was pointless she did throw in there that "we have an agreement." Ugh, "the agreement." I still don't think I really agreed to weighing 102. I guess we'll just go on with not discussing it. As long as she doesn't bring up my weight, I won't. I am pretty sure she knows that I'm not at 102 so it's not like I'm lying to her. I feel like it's the "don't ask, don't tell policy." I just can't see myself gaining 4 or 5 pounds.


I have to go out tonight and it's TOOOOOOO COLD!! I hate it. Clearly, I dress like Nanook of the North. I actually don't even know what/who that is. Ha!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Low maintenance

I'm a pretty low maintenance person. I realized this morning that I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to my ED too. I never got into the whole weighing and measuring out food or counting calorie thing. It was too much work for me. I don't like to be bothered with extra work. Yes, I would/do read labels, but not adding and writing everything down type stuff.

I realized this this morning while I was talking to Charro. I mentioned how maybe I should start writing down what I eat so I have a better perspective of what I'm actually eating. She asked if that was going to make me more obsessive, an obvious question, and I said "I don't know." She told me to try it and see what happens, and obviously stop if it's bad for me. I asked her if that meant I had to measure things out and stuff (and went on to say that that is annoying, too much work, and I don't want to do that), and she said "No, just write things down in your terms. Like 'I had a green bowl of cereal.'" I liked that idea. The thing is, I don't know if I even want to put forth the effort to write down what I'm eating, because that too is annoying and "too much work." So, maybe I won't. I can decide if I want to or not, so no pressure.

I told her that I got down to 96 lbs while she was gone and that I was aware that I needed to eat more at that point. She thought that was good. (the awareness).

I can't write anymore because I'm starving and need to make lunch.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

New bikini

I bought ski glittens (gloves inside mittens) and a bikini yesterday. Interesting combo, right? I was in the dressing room trying on the bikini and I realized that I have NO boobs. Like, absolutely none. Oh well. I'll look really funny in my bikini, like a 10 year old, but it is what it is. My other bathing suits have a little padding in them so they're better. Maybe I should return this one, now that I think about it. There's nothing more depressing than trying on a bathing suit when you're pasty white!! That will change.

So, I got an email this morning saying that my gym is staying open. Not sure if it's true or not. I'm working on finding out. (Just got confirmation...It's staying open!!!!)

It's snowing. I have to go out in the snow in a few minutes. Tomorrow I'm going to freeze my buns off going to Charro because it's going to be zero degrees. Get me to Florida NOW!! Five more days and I will be in the sun. Well, there BETTER be sun!!

I'll do my morning workouts on the beach and rollerblade. That's about it. I will spend the rest of my time laying out and doing puzzles at night and eating with my parents and relatives. Oh, I LOVE eating with people who will make comments. That's a blast.

My kitty is laying on my stomach. She loves me. She's looking at me. :) Now she's laying on my right arm and I can't type well. PURRING!!!

Gotta get ready.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Brace for the cold air

I went to my gym for the very last time today. It was so sad. I'm hoping someone will re-open it or something. I don't know. I've grown up at the place.

I went and took my friend's spin class last night. It was fun. I got a "how did you get so thin" from a woman whose daughter I used to coach. I told her that I had just spent 10 days walking around Italy. I thought that was a good answer.

I'm back in NYC now. It's going to get very cold here on Friday, just in time for me to have to venture out to see Charro. It's going to be a cold weekend too. Of course! Tuesday I jet off to Florida. PLEASE let it be sunny the entire time I am there.

Trying to figure out if I want dinner. I just ate some blueberries and pineapple. That may be all I want or I may have a chocolate protein shake. I'm not really hungry so I don't need to eat.

I cut my toenails too short and now they hurt.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

No heat, brrr

I am sitting on my heater in my kitchen trying to get warm. (I just wrote cold). I came home and my house was an ice box. I turned the heat up to 70, it was at 53 but set at 64. I went to work and when I came back home it was still freezing. The heat wasn't turning on. So, I went into the basement and fixed it, made some tea and and trying to fix my other computer while I sit on the heat and type on this computer.

I'm so tired. Been up since 5:30. My subway line wasn't working, found that out after I paid and waited and could see the stalled train down the tracks. So, I went out, paid again and took and another train to get to a different train station. I lost my train ticket. What a way to start the day, huh?

I'm going to take a spin class at my gym tonight, even though I hate that class. My friend is teaching and the gym is closing for good this weekend. SOOO SAD!! I am contemplating making some sauce so I will have something to eat later. Let's face it though, I like not eating so much better than eating. I felt like I weighed a ton but when I got home and weighed myself, all was good. Yay! It's a never ending cycle that's, well, never going to end.

I'll see Charro on Friday, but that will be it for a few weeks because I'm in Florida next week. I hate missing appointments with her. I think I'll see if we can maybe touch base next Friday via phone. It all depends on what the day looks like and if I can get away from my rents. I just want to have her there in case my parents say something to me. My guess is that they won't say something to me the firt few days I'm there, it would come later on, when I'm about to leave. Gotta love the waiting game. I wish they'd just say something the day I get there and get it over with. I have worrying about it everytime I'm around them.

I really just want to take a nap and be stick thin. Okay, I don't know where that came from other than the fact that it popped into my head. I hope American Idol is only 1 hour tonight. I need to go to bed early.

Now onto other things. I'm going to see a show on Saturday night. My friend takes a few of us every year for a Christmas present. One of the girls who's going was hospitalized for an eating disorder 3 or 4 times. I am afraid that she and her mother are going to notice my weight and think things about me. I'm afraid that when they get in the car to drive home that they're going to talk about my and my weight (in a negative way) and that our other friend (the one who takes us) is going to obviously here that entire conversation. I will definitely eat when we all go out to dinner. Two more people are actually joining us this year so there will be more distractions at the table, but come on, people with EDs can totally pick out others who have them. I'm sure this girl already has her suspicions about me, but I feel like she and her mom might pick up on my face being thinner. I don't want to be talked about.

Monday, January 25, 2010

My Crepe

I don't really know how appetizing that looks, but it was good. I had blackberries and blueberries on it with a little powdered sugar.
I just watched The Hangover. I think I only laughed 2, maybe three times. I didn't think it was hysterical. I guess there's something wrong with me.
I left a stupid message for my doctor this morning and she never called back. I'd like my test results please.
Bed time for me. I have to get up early. I think I gained 12 pounds today.

Brain thinks again

I think Charro gets me thinking. I was thinking a ton the week she left, back in November, and then I stopped thinking until last Friday. It took me a couple weeks to get back into the thinking mode, after her return. I don't really know what I'm thinking about, everything I guess. I like thinking because it gives me something to do while I'm acting like a hamster on the treadmill or the elliptical. It keeps my mind busy so I don't get as bored.

I want to ask Charro if she thinks I look like I have an eating disorder. I know she's going to want to know why I want her to answer that question. She'll think I want to know because she will think that I want to know if I look skinny, or something like that. I really want to know because I want to know if people who see me, like my doctor for instance, can tell that there might be something wrong. I guess I really want to know if my doctor could tell by looking at my face. That's the big question in my mind. I guess I'm just hung up on the "Anything else going on" question that she asked twice. Clearly, because I keep writing about it.

Done talking now. Maybe more later.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Boring and bored

I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights. It really sucks to lie awake in bed hoping that you'll fall back to sleep sometime soon. I keep waking up around 4 AM and there I am for a while. Oh well.

My soup came out good. I need to cut my pineapple and eat my blackberries and blueberries before they go bad. I would make more crepes but I don't really feel like it. I'm not in the mood for them and then I'd have them here and I would feel like they'd be going to waste if I didn't eat them. I hate wasting food.

My ears froze off on my way to the gym because I forgot to put my hat on. It's raining out so I'm staying in. Fair enough. I would go hang out at the crepe place but I don't want to get dressed and leave my apartment. I am comfy in my sweats. I feel like I smell even though I just showered.

I hope my parents don't comment on my weight while I'm in Florida. I know they will but I don't think I'll be gaining 3 or 4 pounds in the next 10 days. I might gain it while I'm down there, but that's another story. I won't if I can avoid it, though it would make Charro happy.

It's so dark and gloomy out. Good day to take a nap or cook or bake. I don't feel like doing any of those things. I could/should find all of my tax stuff and get it together. Maybe I will do that later.

I really want to know if my doctor was trying to get me to say something to her when she kept asking me if there was "anything else going on." I'm very curious about that. I'm sure I'm just being oversensitive and paranoid that she was asking me about my weight. I guess when I get my blood work done and my cholesterol is high still, she might question that. Last time she said "Your cholesterol went up and is high, but you've lost weight." Ok.

I bet Kruger misses me. HAHAHAH!!! I just made myself crack up. I'm sure she hated me. She probably couldn't figure me out. She told Charro that I was "superficial" in my conversations, not like a superficial person. Come on, was I really supposed delve deep into my life when I was only going to see her five times? I think not. I wouldn't have felt comfortable to delve into my life with her at all. She was different. Oh well. I am waiting til the day where I run into her. I always go to the farmer's market right by her office, and it's a day she's there too. I wonder if she would recognize me.

I am boring myself here. I'm so bored that I'm writing about nothing and even that is boring to me. Maybe I should go be eating disordered or something fun like that. Just kidding. Maybe I'll cut my pineapple. I hope it's a good one.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Ramblings on

I've had pretty much nothing to do all weekend, which is kind of nice but boring at the same time. Yesterday morning I went to see Charro, as we all know, then did a few errands. My friend and I walked to this candy store (they have old fashion candy and stuff) because we wanted to check it out. It was really cool. It's called Economy Candy. I don't know if they have a website, but I'm sure they do. :)

I was going to go to the gym after Charro but since we walked to the store, I did not go. The walk was an 8 mile walk (160 blocks). I probably walked a total of 10 miles yesterday, which was nice. It was like when I was in Italy and just walked all day, except these walks were at a faster pace.

I went to bed a little after 9 last night. I was beat. This morning I woke up feeling yucky, but that went away after an hour or two. I knew it would. Then I went to the gym and came home, chilled and watched some ED Intervention, then walked to Central Park and people watched. Then I was frozen, came home and made minestrone soup and guacamole. I have yet to partake, but maybe later I will have some soup. Then I watched another ED Intervention.

I love watching ED movies/shows and reading books about them, but for some reason, and this is going to sound really harsh, I can't stand dealing with people with eating disorders. They drive me insane. I totally wouldn't be friends with myself if I wasn't me. Although, I make a very concerted effort to NOT discuss anything food/weight related when I'm with people. I definitely don't talk about it with my friends who don't know I have an issue, but I also don't talk about it with my friends that do know and have their own eating disorders. I figure, if they annoy the hell out of me than I would probably annoy them by talking about it, so I don't.

Sad news, I found out yesterday that my gym at home is closing. I still go to this gym when I am home, about once a week. I've been a member there since I was 17 years old, and taught there for 10 years as well. So sad. I look forward to going there when I'm home because I get to catch up with people I don't get to see. I won't get to see my regular peeps now. It's sad. I'm bumming, man.

I don't know what I'll do tonight. Maybe I'll watch an ED movie or something. I'll probably go to bed early again since I was awake for almost 2 hours in the middle of the night. I fell back to sleep around 5:30 AM and then woke up at 7 AM. Tomorrow I teach aerobics and then I don't know what else the day will bring...besides heavy rain in the evening.

I realized yesterday, after my sesh with Charro, that I miss going three times a week. I realized that it definitely helps me be able to talk easier/better when I have the continuity. Just something to note for myself.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Sesh review, sort of

I had a good sesh with Charro. I kind of thought that we'd have stuff to talk about today, after having my episode of thinking we wouldn't have anything to talk about. I guess a lot happened in two days that I needed to talk about with her. So, it was productive. It's kind of nice to have 100 minutes to talk to her. Sometimes it feels like a long time and then it all of a sudden goes by. I think I'm getting used to her being back now and am feeling more comfortable. I realized that I do miss going three times. I realized this when I got back today because I kept thinking about how I have to wait another week to continue talking about what we were talking about.

So, I have one more week with her and then I jet off to Florida for some fun in the sun!! I have just three words for you all (and I hope that the weather cooperates so I can have all three): SUN! BEACH! TAN!! That's all I want.

Charro hasn't been asking me about my weight, which is good. I'm pretty sure she knows that I'm under her standards so we don't really need to discuss it. I think she's accepted that and realized that we have to stop talking about the numbers and move on. I might be making that up, but she hasn't asked about numbers so I get that feeling from her. I don't really know what I'm talking about. Ha!

Maybe I'll think of more things to say later and maybe the will actually make sense.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Haven't felt this way in a while

I can't sit still right now. Why? I am hungry and I don't want to eat because I haven't weighed myself since I went to the doctor Monday night. I am afraid that I've eating "too much" since then. Not really too much maybe, just feel like I've been eating the wrong things. I feel like I can't eat because I don't know how much I weigh. I know it's messed up. I know that. I don't know what is worse, caving and weighing myself so I can eat, or not weighing myself and just not eating until breakfast. I could end this all by weighing myself but I'll feel like I failure. I told myself that I wasn't going to weigh myself until Friday, after I see Charro, but I don't know if I'll make it. At this rate, it's not looking good. I'm sure I didn't gain mass amounts of weight, but not knowing is driving me crazy. I know I should eat because I'm hungry and I'll wake up starving if I don't. Oh wait, I'll go to bed starving so therefore I won't wake up starving since I already am. Blah! Fun times. I feel like I should just get through this and survive it, but it would be so much easier to just weigh myself instead.

That quitting feeling

I'm having the I feel like I should just quit going to Charro thought in my head lately. It was pretty strong last night. I just kept thinking about how I have nothing that I want to talk about and don't have anything to talk about. I'm sure my feelings will change come Friday when I go. I just feel like I'm wasting both hers and my time here. We're not getting anywhere and I don't talk about anything so what's the point?

Today I don't have that I should quit feeling as strongly. Maybe I'm thinking of some things to talk about, I don't know. She must be so sick of me anyway.

I had a good workout today, which is good. I went for a 4 mile walk with my friend after I went to the gym. I think my ears fell off because it was so windy out and I wasn't wearing a hat. I was sweating but had cold ears.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Anything else going on?

I went to the doctor last night to have cu-tips shoved up my nose and swabbed around. That tickled and made my eyes water. My doc had the most tragic outfit on too. Kelly green corduroys and a white sweater from 1912 with aqua and turquoise diamonds on it. I don't know what she was thinking. I wanted to take a picture so badly. Anyway, I digress, she did what she had to do, flips through my charts and says "anything else going on?" I respond with "no." We chat for a minute and she looks at my charts and asks me again, "Anything else going on." "No." It was weird, probably because I was thinking, does she think something else is going on? Why does she keep asking me this question. It was almost like a guilty feeling, but I got over it. ;)

The nurse practitioner lady weighed me before I went it. I wonder if they think "Should a 32 year old woman really weigh this?" I don't know, I guess they don't ponder over that.

I am doing laundry and then heading back to my sister's before I head back to NYC. I need a nap.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My oldest nephew is coming to spend the night with me. I love having him here. I wish we had more time together, but I will be with them both again tomorrow night, though they will be asleep by the time I get to their house. I will be getting them both off to school Tuesday morning because my sis broke her hand and has to have surgery.

I have to go to the dentist and the doctor tomorrow night. The only thing I hate about going to the doctor at 8 PM is that I will weigh more than I would have if I went at 8 AM. I still weigh less than I did last time I went. It's kind of funny, they must not really care about weight because I have lost weight the past 4 times I've gone there. It's not a drastic amount, just a pound or two here or there, but if they were to look back at my charts they might question it. I guess not that.

I think I have to get my nose swabbed to see if my staph is originating from there. We shall see. I'd like to get rid of it. I will have to ask my doc for a script for bloodwork too, because I need to have that done and have a physical. I'll wait until after Florida to do that.

I asked Charro if we were going to do phone sesh's and she said yes, but her son is not predictable yet so we can't do them yet. Well, I'm thinking she'll probably be back to work full time next month so I don't know why we'd even bother doing them anytime soon. My guess is that she comes back in the beginning of February because that will be 12 weeks of leave, but what do I know. I'll ask her on Friday.

I'm sidetracked now because I'm watching "Knocked Up." Bye

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Crepe obsessed

I'm sitting here thinking if I really have to eat dinner. I guess today was my first day where I didn't really have anything to do, not that I know if that has anything to do with anything, but maybe it does. Who knows. With 10 days of company, I clearly had to eat, which was fine. I guess I'm not really hungry and don't want anything right now. That could also change. I have options, just don't want any of them. That will change in a little bit, I'm sure.

I think I'm going to tell Charro that I don't want to talk about my weight anymore. It's pointless. We accomplish nothing by talking about it and I just get mad, so what's the point. I guess we'll have to find other things to talk about. I don't know what those will be. It just makes no sense to sit there and argue about my weight and that I "don't weigh enough." I'm well aware that I'm 5 pounds under what she says my "lowest acceptable weight" is, but I'm really not willing to do anything about that right now. Yes, I don't want to go down to Florida and have my parents ask me if I've lost weight, and all of those questions that follow that. I definitely don't want that and I wish I didn't have to worry about getting confronted by them, but that's what I have to be ready for. It's either deal with that or gain weight, but we've already established that I am not willing to gain weight and can't really start shoving tons of food down my throat. I've been branching out with my food choices and lost weight, so I don't know what the deal is.

I think I might try to make crepes tonight. That should be a disaster. Ha! I tried once before and they came out horrible, but now I'm obsessed with them so I want to try and make them. I know as soon as I start the process I'll get a call to babysit. I'm on standby.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Kruger talk

I am still exhausted from T's visit. We stayed up way too late and I don't like that. I like to go to bed fairly early and wake up early.

Saw Charro this morning. We talked about how I hate to talk. I asked her why she sent me to Kruger and if she sent everyone to her, or just me. She said she didn't send everyone to her but I wasn't the only one. She said that Kruger is more analytical and she felt that her way of doing things might help me because she wouldn't veer off onto different tangents. Charro said that sometimes she thinks that she is wasting my time but chatting too much. Let's be honest though, that's what I'm comfortable with. I did tell her that I feel comfortable enough to tell her things and that I don't feel stupid talking about things, but I just don't like to talk about things. She put a new rule into effect...she said I am not allowed to say "I don't like" without a reason behind it. It was funny because she could tell that my head was going in the "What can she ask me about what I don't like? She's going to ask me about dried fruit." It was funny because I smiled and started to say something and she said "I knew you were thinking, "She's going to ask me why I don't like dried fruit." We're totally on the same page.

Why does my cat drink out of the pot of water that I put onto my heater and not out of the fresh bowl of water that is on the floor for them?? WHY!?? Also, the toilet...really??

I think I need a nap.


Oh, we talked more about Kruger and Charro said, "You thought she was weird, I get that." I said, "No, I didn't think she was weird. I thought she was stupid." Ha! Was that too harsh? I spoke the truth. Then I said, "Well, I'd probably go see her again if I had to. Well, maybe I wouldn't...I'd have to think about it."

K, that's all for this boring ass post.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Gone!

I just sent my friend T. off. I'M FREE!! Yay!! I started cleaning before she even left. I had enough messiness. I just have to finish vacuuming, but one of my cats is fast asleep in the sun on the floor. Must be nice.

We went to lunch at the crepe place. We saw the old lady again. I am going to go there a few times a week and hang out because they have free wifi. It's just a cool place and I love it. I wish it was a little closer, but it gives me an excuse to walk a little bit and get out of my place. The people there are cool too.

Back to Charro tomorrow. I don't have anything to talk about, really. I can fill her in on my past week of being severely annoyed with T., but that's about it. I have nothing deep to talk about. Oh, I guess I'll bring up the "letters" but I will only bring them up because she wants me to bring things up and initiate conversations. The conversation will pretty much be, "I'm bringing up the letters I wrote to you because you want me to bring things up, but I don't want to talk about them so we can move on now." The end. I'm sure she'll love that, but I don't want to talk about them so I'm not going to. If she wants to know what was going on in my head, she can read them.


K, I want to vacuum but I don't want to disturb the sleeping cats.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

One day left

I'm so tired. I've been staying up way too late with T. She leaves tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that. I went to the gym and told her we have to leave here at 11 to go do what we need to do. One would think that she would have gotten in the shower while I was there, but she is still in the shower now and it's 10:10. She is ALWAYS late so I know we won't leave here on time and that will drive me insane. Tomorrow she leaves!! I keep telling myself that. I just want to sleep and be by myself for a bit.

I am sick of spending money on food too, mainly because I don't have money to spend. I'd rather spend it on flights to Florida! We're going to try and see a show today for 25 bucks, we'll see if that happens. I don't really want to spend all day in Times Square. We're going to try for a matinee and if we don't get that, we're going to try for an 8 PM show. PLEASE let us get a matinee so I can get the hell out of there.

I guess I should get my clothes ready to go. She's out of the shower.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Crepes

I had the best crepe last night. I've never had one before. Let me tell you, they are good!! I had a strawberry and chocolate crepe. Thought I ate a lot yesterday and would have gained weight, but I actually lost weight. I mean, yes, I know about fluctuations, but it's all good still.

I don't feel like going to the gym.

Monday, January 11, 2010

What's cool and cooler

I just realized that by the time I get back from Florida, Charro will probably be back to work full time. Yay, that will be cool. You know what will be even cooler though...me being tan!! :) Ahh...the beach.

I need a nap. I with it was Thursday. I can't wait to clean my place and see Charro on Friday.

I will be amongst the palms in 22 days.

Need a shower

I will get some time to myself today, which will be nice. My friend is meeting someone for lunch. I guess I could go because I know the person too, not as well though, but I'd rather just have some "me" time. I can't wait to have my place back to myself and have a clean space. I'm having fun with her and all, but I want my CLEAN space back.

I need to take a shower because I'm all sweaty from running, but she is in the shower so I will sit here in my sweaty filth. :) I keep forgetting that she needs to eat. (My eye is twitching and it's annoying). I told her I'd cook for her but she is THE PICKIEST person in the world. We went out to dinner the other night and it was such a disaster. I might have written about it, but I can't remember. I was so annoyed with her. I'm like "JUST ORDER IT!" So annoying.

She just got out of the shower. Oooh, Rachael Ray is making a good meal. I might have to make that. Yum.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I am so sick of this cold weather. It's 15 degrees out, but it feels like 7 with the windchill. YUCK. It better be warm in Florida when I go down there. I just can't wait to run on the beach and rollerblade and get tan. Charro can tell me that I've "turned a corner" when I get back too. :) Ha! I haven't heard that in a long time.

I like being away. I feel a bit more free when I'm away. Of course this trip will be different than my Italy trip because I will be with my parents, I won't be walking around for 12 hours a day, and I'll have to keep myself busy and try not to feel lazy laying in the sun all day long. I will be in the sun all day because that's my purpose for going. SUN and WARMTH!! Ahhh.

My friend T. is here for 5 more days. She is so high maintenance and it's driving me insane. Her trying to order dinner last night was a disaster. She doesn't have an ED, but is SOOOO picky, way more than I. It's so annoying. Her trying to decide what to buy, like a shirt or something, is also annoying. Deep breaths.

I have to walk to the gym in an hour and freeze my tuckus off. Awesome!

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Charro yesterday

Charro's back. :) It was really nice to see her yesterday. She looks good and her baby is SOOO cute. She showed me a picture of him. I wish I could meet him since I watched him grow for 9 months. That's what kind of stinks about the whole situation, I'll never get to see him in person.

I had a double with Charro. I have to admit, it felt like a long time to be in there, but it was good. It allowed us to kind of cover everything that's happened over the past 2 months. I told her about Kruger and said "She was nice, she just sucked." Then I gave her all of the examples about her stupid questions and how she analyzed everything. She did not ask me my weight, thank God. I did not discuss the "letters" I had written while she was away. I wasn't going to talk about them, but we didn't have time anyway. She didn't say anything about having phone sesh's on Tuesdays, like we had talked about before she left. That's okay, I guess.

I am so tired and have to go to the gym. Was out pretty much from 8 AM until 1 AM, minus the hour I came home to change. I've been staying up way too late with my friend and I hate that. I like sleeping and need sleep. The gym is going to be so crowded, which I also hate, so I should get my butt here ASAP. Oh, I guess I should eat breakfast. I forgot about that.

I head to Florida next month. Booked a flight last night. Crazy. I need to get out of this weather.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Southbound

Home for 2 seconds. Just booked a flight to Florida, kind of freaking out about it because I shouldn't be spending money or leaving my cats. Poor cats. Gonna be gone 9 days. Not good for them.

No time to write about Charro. Will do that tomorrow because I'm heading back out the door.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Charro tomorrow

I think I've been away from blogger the past few days. I had to go home to go to work and to go to a wake and funeral. The girl that I coached in high school died of cancer. She lived 3 months longer than they expected her to live. She was first diagnosed almost a year ago. SOOO SAD!

Went to see Rock of Ages the other night. It was awesome...especially if you grew up in the 80's.

I see Charro tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about going. I want to go and see her because I haven't seen her for a few months, but I don't want to go because I don't want to have to talk. I emailed her and asked her if she wanted me to bring her the "letters" that I wrote to her while she was gone. (She wanted me to do that). I said, "Don't bother asking me to read them to you because that's not going to happen. Either you can take them and read them yourself or we will just forget they exist." Well, she wrote back and said that she thinks I should either read them before I go, or bring them with me so I can refer to them, not read them, so we can talk about what was in there. She said that she thinks it's important for us to do that rather than her reading them. Well, I don't want to talk about what's in them so I am not going to bring them tomorrow and I'm not going to discuss them with her either. It's not really important anyway. It's not like I devulge anything deep or crazy in there. I feel like it's in the past (those thoughts that I wrote down. Not that I'm not still thinking some of them), and I don't feel like talking about them. So, that's how it's going to be. She won't find out what was in my head unless she reads them for herself and that's not going to happen so I guess she won't find out what's in my head.

I need to go teach aerobics. I need to go to bed early tonight. I've been staying up late with T. and then I've been waking up at 5:30 every morning to pee and I can't fall back to sleep. It sucks and I'm tired. When I go to bed early I sleep much better.

So, that's that. I need to put my workout clothes on for the second time today. I need to weigh myself, for the third time today because this is on a different scale. Then I need to eat some dinner. That's all. Ciao.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Just another day

Yay, got my weight back...for the time being. I would be okay losing another half a pound but I don't care that much.

Hanging with my friend T. I'm doing a little work too. That's it.

Monday, January 04, 2010

I think I'm back, baby!

Just weighed myself and I liked what I saw. I think I'm back baby!! Official numbers will come in tomorrow morning. I hope I'm back!

I'm boring myself here

My little one is curled up on my stomach/chest right now as I try to type. She's always sitting on me. She loves me.

My friend T. flies in tonight. She'll be here for the next 10 days. (Now she's sitting up, facing the screen so I can't see what I am typing. Settling back down again with her head resting on my left hand.) It will be fun. I go and stay with her all the time, but we're always working 18 hour days when I'm down there, so this will be all play and no work. Well, I'll have to do some work for my real job but that isn't going to get in the way too much.

I do have to go home on Wednesday for work, and now I have to go to a wake and a funeral too. The girl I coached who was given 2-4 weeks to live back in September, died yesterday. The weird thing is that her mother was in my dream last night and I found out this morning that she died. Weird!! I'm glad she made it through Christmas. One last Christmas together for their family. So sad to think about.

So T. will be here. I'll continue on with my activities. I see Charro at 9 AM on Friday. I still can't believe she's back. I think I might be a little nervous to see her. I'll definitely be excited. I wonder if she will be back to her skinny self or have some remnants of just having had a baby. My guess is that she''ll be skinny. I wonder if she'll be excited to see me?

I'm still over what I want to weigh. I'm hoping by Friday I'll be back to where I want to be. Actually, I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll be there. Is that really too much to ask? Once I get back to that weight, I won't have to weigh myself as often.

K, I'm done writing because I'm boring myself.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Need to go back to Italia

I think I need to go back to Italy. I'm getting a little bit more obsessive with my scale so I should go back. I'm only getting obsessive because I don't like my weight and I need to lose a few pounds, therefore I feel the need to weigh myself a lot so I can monitor my weight and decide what I should do about food. This needs to end before Friday.

I need to go back to Italia and walk for 10 hours a day and enjoy myself.

Day 2 of 2010

I thought about taking the day off from the gym, but because I am not happy with my weight, I will be going shortly. I know it's bad that I want to be back at the weight I was a few days ago. Part of me wouldn't even mind being at the weight I was at before I left for Italy, even though that would be a big problem with Charro. I know she would be so happy for me if I went in there and had gained weight, but for me that would be like failing. I don't want to gain weight, it's as simple as that.

I don't know what's going to happy in the next 7 days. Hopefully I will get back to the weight I want to be at, but who knows. I'm hoping I can.

I have a friend coming to town on Monday and is staying with me for 10 days. That will be good because I'm sure we'll do a ton of walking, which is good for a couple of reasons. It gets me out and walking more (exercising), plus it gets me out of my apartment and off my ass. I think we'll go to my house on Wednesday so I can go see some clients and stuff for work. She'll get to meet my parents too. I've known her for 8 years. We met while working in Nashville and I always stay with her when I go down there to work, so it will be nice to have her up here. It seems weird that she's never seen my life up here, since we've known each other for so long. It will be fun. Cramped in my studio, but fun. My big concern is her sloppiness. Her apartment is beyond a disaster. It should be condemned. So, I'm hoping she respects my space and keeps it clean.

Gym time. Not that I think my workout will make a difference in my weight at all.

Friday, January 01, 2010

I'm up...

And ready to go to the gym. I have to eat breakfast first but I'm not ready for that yet. The thought of food makes me ill (exaggeration) right now. I was just around way too much food (again) yesterday and I don't even want to think about eating. I might be a little hungry but still, blah. I'm not really hungry. I can't really explain it.

I'm definitely tired because I only had 6 hours of sleep, which is so not enough. I'll sleep later. I don't think the gym will be too crowded. I'll go around 9:30 and do some damage control. I actually didn't eat that much yesterday, but my weight shot up. It's back down (not all the way), this morning. So, I still have to get back where I was. I guess that's a bit of a problem because then I have Charro issues. I don't want to have to deal with Charro and my weight. It's not fun.


Speaking of Charro, I will be seeing her in exactly one week. I think I might be a little nervous and excited about seeing her. Nervous because I don't want weight to be a topic of conversation. I guess it's kind of unavoidable, but I think I can make it through the first day without it coming up. I have too many other things I want to tell her about to even get into weight. Too many positive things. :)

With that said, I guess I should start making my way towards getting ready for the gym. All dressed. Must eat a little something, brush teeth, wash face, put contacts in (that won't be fun) and depart. Then...RUN. RUN! RUN! RUN!

I can't believe it's January. Two more awful months to get through (weatherwise) before things start looking up. I need to plan a Florida trip.

I think everyone enjoyed my little dinner party last night. At least I hope they did. They seemed to like the food.

Starting off 2010...

Weighing 3,000 pounds. Wow, I'm excited. I'm going to bed, waking up and running at the gym. Then I will clean my apartment and take a nap and try to not weigh 3,000 pounds. Awesome! I need to work out all day long.

My cats are sleeping so cute on my bed. They don't care how much they weigh. I am going to bed.