Sunday, October 31, 2010

I must be losing it

I almost left my backpack at field hockey today.  Last week I left my sweatshirt there.  A few weeks ago I left my stick on the bus, good thing it was broken and I needed a new one.  Today I was waiting for the bus and realized that I didn't have my bag.  WTF??  Why am I so dense??

I took a ball to the knee from about 5 feet away today.  It was actually one of my good friends, D, who hit it.  We were both cracking up and she felt awful and I was laughing and in pain.  Well, walking is interesting so I'm icing it right now.  I know it's not serious, but the ball got me in the right spot so I definitely have a bit of a limp and it hurts on stairs and stuff.  I know it's going to hurt in the morning because I will be all stiff.

I'm drinking a new tea and it's nice. :)  I can't believe I'm doing nothing on Halloween.

Pissed at Charro

I had a dream last night that I was having a sesh with Charro, which she was a few minutes late for, and we were chatting and there were some interruptions.  I was getting annoyed.  At one point, with about 15 minutes left in our sesh, a bunch of people came in and one was a contractor who had just redone the upstairs of the house where we were having our sesh.  He wanted to show Charro so she went up there.  I gave a look like really??  We're in the middle of a sesh and your going to go up and look at the upstairs??  I was NOT happy.  She was up there for a while.  I sat downstairs on the couch waiting for her and she finally came down a 5-10 minutes after our sesh had ended.  I looked at her and I was pissed.  I was like, "Seriously, you really just left our sesh to do that?"  I started yelling at her, but I don't remember what I was saying to her, I just know I was yelling at her as people we're going buy.  I was like, "I can't believe you interrupted our sesh and just left."  I was really pissed.

That was my dream.

I'm going to play field hockey today.  I can't decide if I should go in costume or not.  "Brutus" texted me and wanted to have breakfast this morning.  I could not because I was teaching.  Then he texted me to see if we could say "hi" today.  I told him that I didn't have time.  I need to get rid of him, not because he's got food/body/weight issues, but because he's OLD!!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Getting obsessive today

I can tell that I'm going to be very obsessive today.  I just have whole obsessive thing going on already.  I went to the gym and when I got back I looked at how many calories I burned and I thought, I am such a slacker.  I used to work out for so long and burn at least 700 calories per workout.  Today I burned half of that.  That is not good. 

I keep thinking about this girl that I sort of know at the gym.  I saw her yesterday.  She was working really hard, sweating and got very skinny after having her third child.  Part of me is jealous that she is so disciplined and good at possibly starving herself a little.  She doesn't look sickly at all, just skinny.  Then again, I never saw her before she was pregnant so I don't know what she looked like pre-pregnancy.  Maybe this is what she looked like.  Whatever, I'm just jealous that she's disciplined and skinny and I need to become that way.

I was a pretty good anorexic in high school, now I suck at it.  I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, but sometimes I wish I could be better at it.  I figure, if I'm really "anorexic" than I should be anorexic, and I'm not.  No one would ever think that I am.  I don't really know what I'm saying.  I do know that I have to leave to meet my friend in the park now.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Waiting for date

I'm waiting for my date to arrive.  I'm now starving and it's 8:30 and I HATE the fact that we will be eating dinner at like 9:30.  It freaks me out, let's just be honest.  I guess I didn't really have a big lunch so I'm actually surprised I wasn't starving earlier.  I did eat a lot of applesauce, which I made the other day.  Yummy! :)

I babysat for less than an hour.  The mom is a doctor and we were discussing food and she asked me if I eat seafood and I said "no."  So she asked me where I get my protein from and I told her "fake egg whites from a carton."  I told her that eggs freak me out and told her about my chicken situation.  I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts, but that's okay.  She told me that I need more protein (knew that one) and said, "You probably only get like 500 calories a day."  (I definitely get more than that).  Then she had to leave so the conversation ended.  She wants to cook for me and get me to eat an egg.

Date just called.  He's here, looking for a parking spot.  Better go.  I'm starving and don't want to eat, but I do a little.  Oh the problems.

Finally a sesh

I finally saw Charro this morning, after 2 cancellations this week.  I hauled ass to get there so by the time I got there I was so hot.  It probably didn't help that I had fuzzy socks on and my fuzzy Merrels.  So, I took my sweater off and rolled my jeans up and Charro said, "What did you run here or walk really fast?"  I told her that I walked really fast because I was late and she said she'd rather have me be late than walk so fast.

Monday we're going to make an outline, though I'm not really sure what it's going to consist of.  I think it's an outline of "what this costs me."  She's excited because she has new Sharpies.  I told her to bring all the colors.  I was reminded that this is "not an arts and crafts project."  Ha!

Charro forbids (as much as she can forbid me) me to see the tall guy from the street, "Brutus" anymore.  She thinks he's disordered.  I think she thinks everyone is disordered.  She thought my ex was disordered.  Well, he was a little weird with exercise and food.  Oh well.

I'm in the process of cleaning.  I should get back to that.  I am babysitting tonight for an hour and then I have a date with the rollerblading guy.  He wants to "watch a movie" after dinner.  Um, I don't think I really want him coming back here to "watch a movie."  We all know what that means and I don't know if I even have any interest in him yet. 

K, back to cleaning.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I stepped on

I got on the scale this morning.  What else am I really supposed to say?  The number was too high, and I got on "Bertha" which is usually lower than my scale at my apartment.  So, this is not good.  I don't care that I weighed myself.  I stood there contemplated whether or not I should do it and then I just said "screw it, I'm getting on.  It's my choice and I can do what I want.  It's not going to make a difference if I weigh myself now or tomorrow morning, so I'm just going to do it."  I did and it's a good thing that I'm working out twice today.

Off to the gym...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Cancellation number 2

I woke to an email from Charro cancelling our appointment for today.  Now she's sick.  I'm trying to think of it as this: I'm saving money.  She sent me an email saying to feel free to email her and check in.  I did, but I'm not sure she's getting my emails.  They're being weird.

Anyway, I'm home now, with my parents.  My mom and I went shopping and I couldn't find clothes that fit me.  That should tell me something, but it doesn't.  Things are just too big, though the things that were too big on me were not petite sizes, so that's why.  I'm just happy my mom didn't say anything.  The sales lady came into the dressing room, my mom went to ask her if they had smaller sizes, and she goes, "You are tiny."  My mom must have told her that I was tiny.

I REALLY, REALLY want to weigh myself.  I may just do it tomorrow morning and say screw everything.  I just don't care about not weighing myself.  I really don't.  I'm sick of not weighing myself so I think I'm just going to start doing it.  The only reason I'm not weighing myself is because I don't want to let Charro down.  That reason isn't really good enough anymore.  I'm over it, I think.  So, perhaps I will step on Bertha tomorrow.

Now I'm cooking dinner.  I'm making apple sauce after dinner.  YAY!!  I LOVE applesauce!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My pumpkin

I have a headache and I feel a bit nauseous, I'm not sure why.  The fried smell that was wafting in through my windows is NOT helping the situation.  Yuck.  Maybe I should take some Dramamine. :)  Ha!  Maybe I shouldn't eat dinner.  That's a good idea.  Maybe I shouldn't have done P90X when I had a headache.  I think I had a headache when I was rollerblading too.  Oh well.  Hopefully it will go away soon.

I have a little cat sitting on my stomach right now.  She loves me.  Both of them tried to get in my way while I was doing push-ups.  Okay, she's off.

I still feel like I'm going to "throw."  Charro better not cancel tomorrow.  I have to get up early tomorrow and I don't want to.  Yuckers.  I wonder if I should just shower now or shower in the morning.  I guess I'll just shower in the morning.

I really want to weigh myself.  Maybe I should just do it and pretend that I didn't do it.  I am going to weigh three thousand pounds and I will freak out.  I'm going to have to eat dinner with my family tomorrow night too.  I'm sure my mom will make chicken, she always does when I go home.  I am going to make applesauce.

Why am I so tired all of a sudden?  This post was more boring than my boring posts.  Here's my pumpkin I carved.

A beautiful Oct. day

It is a gorgeous day and it's just going to get warmer.  No gym for me today, I will do my physical activity outside.  I might go for a run this morning and then go rollerblading later.  Or I'll walk to TJ Maxx and go rollerblading later.  It's too nice to be inside, that's for sure.

I really want to weigh myself.  I can't wait until Friday, it's most likely impossible that I'll be able to wait until Friday.  If I weigh over 100 lbs I am quitting this only weighing myself once a week deal.  Done!!  Finito!

I borrowed P90X from some friends in my building.  I can't wait to try it.  I hope I like it and get into rockin' freaking ripped shape.  I really need to commit to doing it though.  It's more of strength based workout, so I hope it doesn't make my huge.  I want to get toned and get rid of my arms that wave even when I'm not.  Charro says my arms are "fine," but she's not going to tell me that they're not fine and that they're fat.

Field hockey is over.  We lost yesterday and that means I have 3 afternoons a week free, and that means that I don't get an extra 6 miles of walking in a week.  Hmm, I'll have to make up for that somehow.

I should just weigh myself now, but I just drank a lot of water. 

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sesh cancelled again

Charro cancelled our appointment today.  Her childcare is sick so she's not coming in.  It sucks, but whatever.  So, I decided to do laundry.  I am so mad because I turned on the dryer instead of the washer and now I've just wasted $2.50.  So annoying. 

Last night I left my sweatshirt at field hockey.  Also annoying.  I am so mad at myself for doing that.  I never forget things.  WTH?  I think I'm just not used to having to wear layers.  I don't think anyone picked it up either.  Sucks.

So, no walking to Charro, which I was totally counting on.  I wish she'd call me to tell me she was cancelling instead of emailing me.  I am on my computer a lot, but with such late notice, I feel like she should call in case I'm not at home.

I went out with the disordered guy last night.  He didn't say anything stupid.  I did some googling and found out that he is old.  I think he's 47, which is way too old for me.  Not interested.

I think I'm in a little bit of a yucky mood now that my sesh was cancelled.  I emailed her back and told her to get her bee bee gun ready because I didn't think I'd be able to stay off of the scale until Friday.  I'm getting fatter...

Today is probably our last day of field hockey.  I have to stop and get some cards for the girls.  I'm sure we'll get killed in the game.  At least it's a nice day to play.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Don't think I can "weight"

I really don't think I can wait until Friday to weigh myself.  I can feel myself gaining weight.  I hate it. There is no way that I'll make it until Friday.  I'll tell Charro that tomorrow.  I guess I'll have to tell her about my Friday night too, though it wasn't really a big deal.  It's not like I was freaking out, I just didn't want to eat and couldn't figure out what to eat and if I should eat or not. 

I was supposed to go out with the "street guy" yesterday...the one Charro and my friend do not like, but he had to cancel.  He wants to maybe grab dinner tonight but I'm playing field hockey and won't be back until after 7 PM.  He doesn't like to eat past 7 PM.  I forgot to tell Charro that one.  She's going to love that.  Perhaps he has an ED.

I'm excited to play field hockey today.  I got a new stick so I want to use it.  The weather is great too.  It's going to be warm all week, which I'm thrilled about.  Maybe we won't get winter.  Okay, I guess that won't happen but a girl can dream.

I wonder if people will show up to take my class this morning.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Tough night in the kitchen

I guess last night was a rough night.  It wasn't too rough, but it wasn't great either.  I ate my apple and by 9 PM I was starving.  I didn't want to eat because it was late and nothing appealed to me.  I stood in the kitchen for a while trying to figure it all out.  I didn't want anything but I was hungry.  Finally, after freaking out a little bit (I wasn't really "freaking out", but I don't know what else to call it) I decided to have a little oatmeal.  I felt like I should have had a yogurt instead but I didn't want a yogurt.  I didn't even want oatmeal.  I wanted nothing.  I knew I should eat because I had eaten lunch around 11:30 AM.  I know it wasn't enough food, but it was something. 

Oh well, that's over and done with.  Do I discuss this with Charro on Monday?  What do I even say?

Friday, October 22, 2010

The two-sided brain

I just watched an incredibly sad movie, My Sister's Keeper.  I think it was based on a true story.  I rarely cried, but I went through a few tissues tonight.

It's a few minutes before 8 PM and I haven't eaten dinner.  I don't think that I will be eating dinner tonight either.  I wasn't hungry when I got home this evening.  I know, the "I'm not hungry" has been banned from my vocabulary, according to Charro, but apparently I think it's still okay.  I did think about how I'm "supposed" to eat even if I'm not hungry, but that was pretty much a fleeting thought.  Right now, if someone put food in front of me, I'd eat it because I probably am hungry, but I have no interest in eating right now.  Maybe I'll eat an apple, but my fear is that it will make me hungry and I don't want to eat it and then want more food.  I know, it's disordered.  Maybe I just don't want to change.  Maybe I'm content being this way.  I guess I have no reason to want to change so maybe this is just it.

Now I'm kind of getting hungry, but now I don't want to eat.  I don't want to need food.  I don't want to eat it.  Can't I just be without having to eat?

Now I'll have the other side of my brain talk.  I actually do like food and enjoy it (sometimes), but it scares me and I wish I could eat and enjoy it and eat what I want, but I can't, therefore I just don't ever want to have it...but I do want to have it at the same time.  It's just one big mess, I guess.

Now I'm going to watch In Treatment.  I guess I'll eat my apple.  It sucks when you know you're supposed to do something but you don't want to and am not sure you can/will get yourself to do it because you don't want to.

Morning darkness = winter = yuck

It's a chilly day today.  It's kind of dark when I leave for my sesh with Charro now.  I guess that will change when we have daylight savings.  Right now, it's just...early!  I know I still don't talk a lot in there.  It's hard for me to talk.  I feel like I don't have anything to talk about, yet sometimes I feel like I have so much to talk about and I don't know where to start.  Most of the time I have nothing to talk about though.  Well, I feel like it's nothing earth shattering.

Charro made a funny joke today.  I go to this new Italian market all the time that is by her office.  It just opened up and we both love it.  It's Italy in NYC.  So, I told her how I was going to buy a shirt that said, "You are what you Eataly."  She said, "What are you, a couple of sticks?"  Then she said, "That really draws attention that you don't like to Eataly, or Eat-a-lot-y."  Ha!  Oh Charro!!  That was a good one.

I wish I could just go in there and TALK!  I don't know why I can't.  Maybe I really don't have anything to talk about.

Oh, I weighed myself today and I was not happy.  I don't know if I can wait until next Friday to weigh myself again.  Usually I keep on weighing myself until I am happy with the number.  I don't know how I'm supposed to wait 8 days.   Ugh!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I think I might be having a little freak out, but I'm not quite sure.  It's fine, whatever it is.  I just feel like I need to work out a lot and not eat.  Sounds like a plan, doesn't it?  So, this morning I cleaned and polished my floors.  I did a little bit of an Insanity workout, then I decided that it was just going to make my legs bigger and that I'm better off running before I teach class later. 

I just made lunch...beans and spinach.  Protein and veggies, that's good, right? 

I still feel like I need to do some more exercises, like some push-ups or triceps or something.  I'm antsy.

So, that's my day.  I liked that ED show last night.  It's sort of like "Intervention" minus the intervention. 

I don't know what to talk to Charro about tomorrow...

I need to go do something.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I smell nice and am fine

I'm feeling quite fat and gross right now.  I usually don't work out on Thursday mornings because I teach at night, but I might go to the gym in the morning.  Maybe just a quick run.  I'm feeling nasty.

There's a new ED show on TV tonight.  I'm highly excited about it.  Charro does not want me watching it.  She said, "I hope you're not going to watch it."  I said, "Are you kidding, I've already set my DVR."  I did!  I set it yesterday so I wouldn't forget.

My face is one huge, disgusting zit.  I don't know what's going on with it.  I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that I used a different lotion on my face when I was away, the hot humid weather that I was sweating in down there, or if it just my face.  I wonder if it is something nutrition related or hormones or something.  I have no idea, all I know is that I want it to clear up!!!

So I think I realized today that I'm okay where I am right now...meaning that I don't think I want to make any changes.  Could my life be better?  Yes.  Is it awful right now?  No.  Sometimes it is, when I'm feeling all fat and gross and can't take it, but that's not all of the time.  So I guess, as Charro would say, I'm in "limbo."  I guess I'm not really ready to do anything to change at this point in time.  I'm not hurting myself so it's all okay. 

I guess that's all.

I did learn that Charro makes her own cleaning solutions today.  Ha.  Totally didn't imagine that.

The sweatshirt I just put on smells my perfume. :)  I love that.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"I'll shoot you with a beebee gun."

Charro had some funny ones yesterday!  Fantastic!  She threatened (jokingly of course) to shoot me with a bee bee gun.  Then she said she wanted to "throw 'Carmine' out the window."  Ha!!

This is how it all went down.  I had said how I "wasn't hungry" and this is how she responded....

"No!!  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  I've had it.  That's the other thing we're banishing today.  I'm really tired of you weighing yourself more than once a week and I'm really tired of this 'I'm not hungry' business. That is NOT okay! That has got to leave your vocabulary.  Do you understand?!  Someone with and eating disorder cannot go by hunger, ridiculously distorted hunger cues. You are no longer to make an assessment on whether you should eat or not with that, "I wasn't hungry." No!!!  Never again!  Next time you do that I'll shoot you with a bee bee gun. Got it!  No I'm just kidding. I'm not threatening you."

Freaking hysterical.  She just went on and on in this tone.  I was like, Whoa, she's just going.  Fantastic.

Then there was this one, which was not as funny.  I don't remember what we were talking about, but she goes...

"I really, really, really had it with Carmine. If I could throw 'Carmine' out the window I would!"   I said, "I don't think you could lift 'Carmine.'"  She said, "'Carmine' is a spirit."

She kills me sometimes.  She was on a roll.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Charro's thoughts on "dorky street guy"

I was telling Charro about my dates over the weekend.  We talked about the first one for a minute and then went onto the one from yesterday, who happens to have the same name as her son, which becomes somewhat important later on.

So, I was telling her how he guessed my weight.  He said, "You're 109."  I looked at him and shook my head no and he put hit thumb up for more and then down for less.  I shook my head yes for less and he guessed incorrectly again, then he finally got to it.  So, she did NOT like that he was focusing on my weight.  Oh yeah, and then when I told him what I weighed he said, "That's great that you weigh that."  Charro was not happy to hear this.  Then I told her how he likes to take the subway downtown, have brunch and then walk home (4-5 miles) so he can burn off his meal.  I liked that because I like to walk everywhere.  Again, she was not pleased.  Then I told her that he calls his stomach "Brutus" because he has to get rid of it.  She was not thrilled (understatement) that he is so focused on bodies/appearance.  So, she doesn't want me to call him by his name because I don't want to ruin the name for her son. :)  She also doesn't want me to go out with him again.  Oh, so when I told her that he bought me the biggest tea in the world from Starbucks she said, "He probably said 'we'll just drink so we don't have to eat.'"  I said, "He did...just kidding."

I stopped to get lunch on my way to her office because I had worked out and then walked down to her office and it was lunch time and I hadn't really eaten much.  (I had breakfast).  So I ate lunch and I told her that I felt like I was going to "throw" because I was so full.  Then I said, "What if I did throw?"  She said, "That doesn't happen."  I said, "What if I throw accidentally on purpose?"  She said, "Accidentally on purpose is ridiculous.  That's what I think of that."

That's all I can remember from my sesh right now.  Oh yeah, she told me that I am allowed to weigh myself ONLY once a week from now on.  She made that abundantly clear.  She also said I am not allowed to say, "But I wasn't hungry" because apparently I don't know when I'm hungry or not and I have to eat even when I'm not hungry.  Well, I still don't think I need to eat unless I'm hungry.

That's all for now.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Date with "The Dork" from the street

Yesterday I went rollerblading with a guy.  He was nice, decent looking, funny, but I think he might like to drink a lot.  He kept telling a lot of drinking stories.

Today I went out with the guy who chased me down on the street.  He sounded so dorky on the phone, but he wasn't that dorky in person.  I was pleasantly surprised.  He's very tall, 6'3" and into working out and stuff, which is good.  He guessed my weight, or tried to at least, and gave me an extra 10 pounds.  I was thrilled about that.  Then when I told him how much I weigh he thought that was great.  Okay, he'd be easy to have an eating disorder around. 

I had a real lunch around 1 PM and I'm still not hungry.  I made a fake fettuccine alfredo.  "Fake" meaning with fat free ricotta.  So, I'm not hungry so I can't really think about eating anything right now.  We'll see if I have something or not before bed time.  Charro's not going to like this one, that's for sure.

I still have to unpack.  Ha!  Well, I did most of it but my suitcase is still sitting here with stuff in it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Roller blading in the wind

It's so windy out and I'm going on a rollerblading date.  I'll probably go two miles per hour unless the wind is at my back.  Charro's going to love it when I tell her that I wore my heart rate monitor on a date.  That's going to go over really well.  I have the choice to wear it or not and I am choosing to wear it.

I went to the gym this morning.  Good thing there was a good movie on for me to watch.  Tonight I'm babysitting.  My inner thighs are still sore from riding the mechanical bull on Wednesday.  So fun though.  Ha!

My date should be calling soon.  I don't want to go outside, it's too cold out and not very nice.  I think I'll have to wear a jacket over my sweatshirt.  I actually don't think I'm going to like this guy, it seems like he likes to drink.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, so that's a bonus.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Back from N.O.

I'm back and tired.  My flight was cancelled yesterday so it turned out to be a long day. 
We went to a karaoke place on Bourbon Street on Wednesday night, then did some bar hopping and listened to the awesome live music.  That's probably the only good thing about Bourbon Street.  Then I rode a mechanical bull which was so fun and funny!  My inner thighs are now sore from holding on and squeezing it so tightly.  I knew they would be.  I stayed on for quite a while.  When I got off I said, "Now I know why cowboys walk the way they do."

I had a phone sesh with Charro on Wednesday and then I saw her this morning.  I didn't really have anything to talk about so it was a wasted sesh.  Now I have to go freeze my buns off at field hockey practice.  Brr... Only one more week left.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tuesday in New Orleans

You know what that means?  It's FAT TUESDAY and I AM FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

In N.O.

I'm in New Orleans.  It's interesting down here...from what I've seen so far.  I will see more today, like the French Quarter, I'm assuming. 

Two of my co-workers and I are going to go for a run this morning.  I also brought my jump rope.  Then we have to go to the convention center for the day.

Last night, when I was heading to bed, I saw something move.  It was a lizard.  Yep, a freaking lizard in the house, near my bedroom.  EW.  I yelled at the men to come and get it but none on them moved off of the couch.  Thanks guys!

I had the worst headache when I got here yesterday and we went to the grocery store.  My co-worker told me that I looked like I was going to pass out.  I sort of felt like I was going to fall over but I wanted to go to the store!  My boss kept yelling at me for buying chocolate chip cookies and muffin mix.  Ha!  He said, "I'm going to sit there and make you eat that all."  After dinner, he was watching tv and goes, "How are those cookies coming along?"  Get in there and bake them!"  Ha, he didn't want to want them but he wanted them.

Everyone is still sleeping, I think.  I am thirsty.  I have my own room so I'm going to do a phone sesh with Charro on Wednesday.  I have a little balcony off my room so I might sit out there.

I brought my fiber one.  OH, there's a huge scale in the kitchen.  It doesn't work.  It's about 25 lbs over.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

What an amazing day!

My day started yesterday with a phone call from my college field hockey coach.  She wanted to see if I was ready for my big day today.  I thought that it was very nice of her to call. :)

Woke up this morning, went to the gym, got all dressed up and went to my induction.  I wrote 2 speeches, one right after I found out I was being inducted into the Hall of Fame and the other a few weeks ago.  I decided to not read either speech and just "wing it."

Anyway, I got to the reception and saw a million people that I know and needed to greet and catch up with.  My brother flew up for the event as well.  My coach came in with a bouquet of beautiful flowers and a card for me and the other 2 inductees whom she coached.  The ceremony was nice, my plaque is very cool, and the day was great. 

The lacrosse coach brought in her 3 captains to meet me and the other hall of famer.  Then I went to field hockey practice to meet the team again and they gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers as well.  I'm on cloud 9.  Such a great day.

Now my parents and my brother are going out to dinner for some good pizza and then going to the ice hockey game where I will be recognized again.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Chased down

I got sick of writing down the ED/Healthy choice list for Charro, so I stopped.  It was really pointless and just made me feel like crap anyway, so why bother?!  That's how I feel about the situation.

I actually feel skinny this morning.  I hope I feel skinny tomorrow when I get all dressed up.

This morning I have to run (literally) to TJ Maxx and get a baby gift.  It's nice out so I need to run.  I've been totally slacking on the running front and I need to get back into it because it's good for me.  I don't enjoy it, but whatever.  I'm supposed to leave in 27 minutes...I need to hustle.

So the strangest thing happened to me on my way to the gym last night.  I was walking, in my zone like usual, and I hear someone yell out my college.  (It was on my backpack).  I turn around and this guy says to me, "I see you all the time and I told myself that next time I saw you I was going to ask you out for a drink.  I always see you in workout gear, sometimes you're walking with a dog and another person.  You have a beautiful smile.  I smiled at you on Park Avenue once.  I chased you down."  Okay, totally weird but sort of cool at the same time.  Maybe he's the love of my life...probably not, but whatever.  I just thought it was so strange, but not strange at the same time.  I told him that I'd be out of town for the next week but we'll see what happens after that.

I should probably get dressed now.  I told myself I'd leave at 9 and that's in 23 minutes.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

More walking for me

Looks like I'll be walking more come December 30th.  The MTA (transit authority) just approved another fare increase.  Ugh, it's already too expensive, which is partially why I walk everywhere already.  Charro's gonna love that one.

I am drinking so much tea because it's cold.  Sun's out now though so my apartment should heat up.  I got bored doing work so I called my parents.  I really do need to pack.  I know I keep saying that but it's time to actually do it.

I weighed myself this morning.  Oh well.  I won't be able to weigh myself Mon, Tues and Wed of next week, and I will have to eat a lot of meals, so I'll be freaking out I'm sure.  Oh well.

Back to work.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010


I'm drinking a huge mug of tea.  Why?  It's good, warm and fills me up.  It's cold up here and I need tea.  My feet got wet so now they're cold.  I made a fake egg white omellette and put in a pepper from my "garden."  I probably should not have put that entire hot pepper in there.  Oh well.

Shiites, I just remembered that I have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning.  Ugh!  I have to teach aerobics at 6:30 AM and 6:30 PM.  That means I will walk 4 miles just walking to the gym and back.  Yay! I have to walk to the park with the kid I'm babysitting too, so that's another 2 miles. 

I need to make a list of what I need to pack.  I keep saying that but I have yet to do it.  Oh well.  I hope I get really tired so I can go to bed by 9.  We shall see.  I'm going to wake up to pee a hundred times after drinking all of this tea.

I feel pretty huge right now too.  I hope I feel/am skinny on Saturday.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Tidy Tuesday

I did nothing all day!  What a waste.  It was cold and rainy and I planned on doing work, but I did not do anyway.  Okay, not true.  I did very little.

I went to the gym, grocery store, cleaned, talked to my friend in Italy, cooked for my friend and vacuumed.  Oh yeah, I ate all day too.  I feel like I didn't stop eating all day and I hate that.  I don't know if I really did, but that's how I feel.  Now I'm watching the Italian news.  I don't understand a word of it but that's okay.

I need to do some exercises.  I blew up my resist-a-ball and that was a quite a tricep workout, which I desperately need because my arms are so flabby.  I will do some abs and more triceps later.

I need to pack for my trip too.  My Wednesday and Thursday are busy.  Thursday I am teaching two aerobics classes and babysitting.  I have to head home Friday night, perhaps with my brother.

My apartment looks cleans.  That's a good thing. 

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight.  I didn't weigh myself today.  We'll see how long I go.  I don't have Charro to check in with so I could weigh myself everyday if I wanted to.  Well, I guess I could do that always anyway, regardless of whether or not I have to report to her.

Tomorrow is hump day, which is good.  I thought this week would go by slowly but I think it will go by pretty fast, which is also good.  I should probably work on my speech for Saturday.

Monday, October 04, 2010

The Australian birthday

I had my last sesh with Charro for about two weeks.  She is on vacation and then I leave on Sunday for New Orleans.  I've never been there before so that should be cool.  Too bad my trip didn't coincide with hers.  That would have worked out well.

So, Charro wore jeans one time when I first started seeing her.  I commented on how she was wearing jeans and she said, "I'm travelling."  So, I've seen her in jeans a total of two times I think and the second time she wore them I asked her if she was travelling.  She asked why and I said, "Because you're wearing jeans."  So, that became this running joke.  Today I said, "I thought you'd be wearing jeans."  The point of this is that I had a dream last night that I had a sesh with Charro and I saw her leaving the office in these horrible "mom jeans" and I thought, Oh, she must be travelling.  I can't believe I didn't say that to her.  I also thought I can't believe she's wearing those jeans.  She has better style than that.  After that, I was upstairs in my bathroom and the lights blew out.  I tried to fix the circuit breaker but that wasn't the problem.  I went downstairs and Kruger was there and I asked her if she could come help me.  So, she came upstairs but I'm not sure if we fixed it.  I couldn't believe I asked Kruger for help.  Charro like that dream.  She even called her Kruger and then was like "I can't believe I just called her Kruger and not Claudia."

Anyway, today was Charro's "Australian birthday."  That means her birthday is the 5th, but since it was already the 5th in Australia we celebrated.  I'm not sure how this all began but it's this running joke now.  Anyway, I picked up some foccacia from the new Italian market and brought it to her as a surprise.  I told her I just got it for her but then I fessed up and said I got two of them.  So, we had to eat them.  I got "yelled" at for not eating fast enough and for pulling it apart.  She started to say, "Shove it in there" but stopped herself.  I asked her what she was going to say because all I heard was "Shhh" and then she stopped.  She told me and then she said, "That wouldn't have been nice to say."  I told her that she could have said it.  I also told her that I'm having serious arm issues.  We talked about that.  I asked her what I'm supposed to do when I freak out about them.  I told her that I'm afraid everyone is going to be looking at me when I go to my event on Saturday and they'll be thinking, "She got fat" or "her arms are huge."  I need to get them skinny!  She said, "You're going to look back at this very special day and remember thinking about how all you could think about was your 'fat' arms and not the honor you are receiving."  She's a bit right, though I will bask in the honor. 

Then we discussed my lunch incident yesterday.  I taught aerobics and then had to get on a train to go home.  It was noon and I was a little hungry but didn't really have time to get something to eat.  Well, I had time to go to this one (and only) place in Harlem.  I went in and debated about getting something.  I finally got a bagel with peanut butter, but I didn't really plan on eating it.  I thought I shouldn't eat it so I was just going to have a few bites.  Well, after this long war in my head, I had half of a half and then wrapped it back up.  I did eat the rest of the half later, but it was all very disordered.  So, we discussed that as well.

That's my life in a nutshell right now. 

Sunday, October 03, 2010

A busy bee again

I have a busy weekend again this weekend.  Yesterday I went to Atlantic City for the night.  Today I am teachcing and then going home only to come back here first thing in the morning for my final appointment with Charro for about 2 weeks. 

It's cold out!  I don't like that!

I felt disgusting and huge last night.  It's not fun to feel that way and I feel that way way too often.  It definitely sucks.  I hate that my arms are so big too.  They are worse than my hamthighs at this point in time.  I don't know why.  I can't take it and I don't know why they are so big.  I don't know how to get them smaller.  Do I lift weights more?  Do more push-ups??  That will just make them bigger and will still have no definition because there is still fat layered on top of them.  Should I do more cardio to burn off the fat?  Yes, I should.  Charro would not approve of that one.  I just feel like she doesn't understand how intense the feeling is about my arms, or just body in general.  I want her to know that I'm not making this up and that it's really there...that the fat is really there.  She tried to tell me that my arms are "fine" the other day, but that doesn't really mean anything.

Tomorrow is her Australian birthday so I'd like to make her a treat but I'm not sure what to make and I'm not really sure I'll have the time to make anything.  I have to go to a dinner celebration thingy as soon as a I get home and it's an hour away.  I don't know what time I'll get home from that.  I was thinking of picking something up for her at Eataly, this awesome new Italian market/restaurants, but if I do that, then I have to eat too.  I don't want foccacia and that's what I'd get.  I guess I could get some cioccolata calda.  (hot choc.)  It's going to be cold and rainy.  Hmm, I'll figure it out.

I guess I should pack and get ready.

Oh, I spoke to this guy that I met on a dating website.  He seems really cool and I really hope he wants to get together.  Funny thing is, he's a therapist working on his PhD.  Ha!

Friday, October 01, 2010

"You got bigger"

I had a dream that I was at my gym at home and I was on the stairmaster talking to one of my friends.  I'm not sure why I was on the stairmaster because I NEVER do that stairmaster.  Anyway, this woman (she often makes comments to me about my weight.  Her daughter is/was anorexic) walked by and said, "You got bigger."  I made a face and go "What?!" then turned to the woman I was talking to and said, "Did she just say that?"  Ugh, awful.  I felt like crap.

My sesh with Charro was good this morning.  I need to listen to it.  I did get some awful blisters walking there in my dumb rain boots.  Ugh!  We are celebrating her "Australian birthday" on Monday.  I'll make her a treat.  Then she goes on vacation for the rest of the week and then I'm gone the week after, which will suck.  I won't get to see her for a while.  I'll try not to freak.  I will definitely not be seeing Kruger!