Monday, May 31, 2010

I burned a corner

Well, one might say that I "Burned a corner" today.  I guess laying out for 4 hours on a raft in a pool without sunscreen is a bad idea.  Whoops.  I'm going to email Charro and tell her that I "Burned a corner."  I think she'll get a kick out of that one.

Oh, newsflash, I'm fat!!  Yep!  Weighed myself a bunch of times too.  Oh well.  Tomorrow I can go back to not really eating, or my usual diet I guess.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'll check myself in...

For some reason I'm a little anxious this morning.  I don't know why, but I keep moving my leg so I know I am.  Maybe I'm afraid that I'm going to go home and gain 5 pounds in the next two days.  I don't really know.  Maybe I'm nervous about what Charro is going to say to Steph when they talk.  I hope she doesn't tell her that she thinks me doing the study is negative thing.  I just want to know what they talk about and I will find out from Steph before I find out from Charro.  I'll have to wait until Friday to hear about it from Charro.  I hope they don't leave any info out.  Knowing Charro, I think Stephanie will be more thorough in describing the conversation than Charro will.  She'll be nonchalant about it.  I just want to know everything.

When I got into the office with Stephanie the other day, I sat down on the couch and was trying to get comfortable.  I had pulled my legs up so my feet were on the couch and my knees were pointed up into the air and my legs were in tight, kind of like I would be curled up in a ball.  So, I moved my knees or something and she had looked up (she was looked at the pictures of me that I had to send to her) and she got all concerned and sweet and goes (in a nice voice), "Oh, are you shaking?  Why are you shaking?"  I said, "No, I'm not shaking, I guess I just moved."  She was like, "Oh ok. I thought you were nervous because I was looking at the pictures in front of you and it worried you."  Her tone was really nice.

Speaking of tones, I can always tell watch Charro is going to say by her tone.  Even if she hasn't started really talking yet, I know what type of thing is going to come out of her mouth.  She can say one word and I'll know, "Oh no, this isn't going to be something I want to hear."  Or she'll go into the serious/professional lecture voice, the sad (also with a face) voice, which is always uncomfortable because then you're like, oh, I am making her sad.  Then there is the she really means business voice.  I got that one the other day when she said, "You starve yourself."  The way she said threw me off.  I didn't expect it and her tone was like, well, something out of an ED movie or something.  It was so serious.  (What the hell am I babbling about right now??  Okay, shutting up).

I must be really bored because I am completely talking about the dumbest stuff ever.  I need to pack and get ready to go home.  I hope no one shows up for class, please!!  It's gorgeous out, so if I can get home an hour earlier, that would be great.  Picnic at my house today, at my friend's tomorrow.  Ugh.  Beautiful weather both days!!

I'm going to have fight the excessive weighing on "Bertha" while I'm home the next few days.  I don't know how that will turn out.

I feel like I'm losing more hair than usual, but maybe it's a normal amount. I'm not sure.  It's longer, so it tends to get more tangled, which means it comes out easier, but I don't know if I'm losing more hair than I'm supposed to.  That kind of weirds me out a bit.

I need to buy a powerball ticket.  I could use $260 million bucks.  If I will, I'll check myself in to an ED program.  How does that sound??

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Is it bedtime yet?

I wish it was late enough for me to go to bed.  I'm bored and I want it to be tomorrow so I can go home and lay in my pool.  Well, I have to teach class first, but chances are no one will show up.

I want to weigh myself but I won't.  I don't know what my weighing restrictions are for the week because Stephanie and I didn't discuss it.  Oh, I got an email from her last night saying that she has called Charro but did not talk to her.  She also thanked me for the "delicious" brownies I gave her.  She said that she hopes to talk to her early next week.  Of course things like this, where I have to wait for something, always happens when there is a holiday.  So now the earliest I will hear from Stephanie will be Tuesday, but I'm guessing I won't eve hear from her that soon.  I hate waiting.

I went for a run this morning, but it wasn't the best run.  I had to wait for the man to come fix my phone so my desire to workout faded.  When I spoke to them on the phone to schedule an appointment, they said they could come yesterday between 8-5.  Nice window of time.  Yes, let me sit here for 9 hours and wait for you.  I have 2 therapy appointments people!

The first thing Stephanie brought up with me yesterday was how I make it clear that I think that she doesn't want to work with me, or feel like she has to.  She said that she is doing it because she wants to.  I said, "No you're not.  You have to see me because it's part of your schooling."  She said that she is volunteering at the place because she likes it and her supervisor asked her if she wanted to do this second part of the study with me because she didn't have to.  She said she chose to.  So, after spending a few minutes discussing this, and having her try and convince me that she really does want to work with me, we moved on.  I do think she likes me, I don't question that, I just feel like I am taking up her time.

I wrote a long email to Charro this morning with just random thoughts.  I don't expect a response from her because it doesn't really warrant one.  I'm sure she'll want to talk about it on Friday though.  They always do.

I have a picnic on Monday, so I'll feel really fat and gross after and I'll want to weigh myself.  I'll survive, maybe. :)  I hope this week goes by fast.  It should because I'll be pretty busy running around, which will be nice.  I'll come back to NY on Tues afternoon because I have a meeting.  Wednesday I will spend the day with my bro and rents probably and then go to his game.  He's only in town for 2 days.  I think my parents might stay over Wednesday night.  Thursday morning I have a meeting and then I teach Thursday night and then Charro and Steph on Friday. 

Is it bed time yet?  I'm kind of hungry and I want fruit but I don't have any.  Well, I have a grapefruit but I don't want it.

Friday, May 28, 2010


First things first, my sesh with Charro stunk this morning.  She made it sound like she was going to fire me, but she assures me that she won't.  She pretty much saying that I'm not doing much about my ED and that holding onto this "low weight" means that I won't get better and don't want to get better and that I can't have that and recovery at the same time.  She said, "You starve yourself," which sounded really weird to hear, and somewhat unbelievable.  She said that this is a "big, huge problem" and that I don't see it.  She's absolutely correct in everything she said, I will not and cannot argue with her on that.  Basically, she's being brutally honest with me, which is good and what I need to hear.  I may not want to hear it, though my curiosity does, but I need to and want to.  She said that she keeps saying things but I am "not hearing" her.  The sesh didn't "stink" because she said a bunch of stuff to me, though it made me feel like running out the door, it stunk because I didn't know how to respond to it.  She asked me how I was feeling and I couldn't even answer that. I didn't know how I was feeling.  I wanted to be able to respond in someway but didn't know what to say.  Of course now I don't see her again until next Friday. 

So then I went to see Stephanie.  That was a blast.  Actually, I felt better by the time I left.  I went in there thinking about how I didn't really want to be there and have to talk for another hour.  Anyway, the worst part was obviously the bikini top part.  I got to the mirror and had my shirt on.  She goes, "I think you were going to do this in your bikini top."  I was like, "Oh, I am?"  (playing dumb).  So I felt INCREDIBLY UNcomfortable taking my shirt off in there.  It was just weird, like I was stripping or something.  She turned around and was going to face away from me while I did this whole mirror thing and she did for a little bit and then I was like, "I'm over it, you can turn around.  I don't care.  I might as well just deal with it all." 

She asked me what my distress level was on a scale of 1-100 before I got up there.  I said 87.  Then I got up there and it was 93, and then when I had to take my shirt off it was 100.  I was pacing back and forth for a while and then she told me that I had to stand there and look.  It was painful, I'm not gonna lie.

Next week she wants me in a full bikini.  I asked her if that meant I wouldn't have to wear one week 5 if I did it next week and she said that I could wear a "skimpier" one.  I told her I don't own a skimpy one.  I said, "there's no where to go after the bikini so that will be it."  She said, "Week five you can go topless and I will face the other way."  I said, "That is most definitely NOT going to happen."  NO WAY IN HELL that I will be topless in front of anyone, even if they are not looking.  It's not because I'm ashamed of my body, it's just completely AWKWARD and NOT normal.  I don't like being naked in front of my doctor.  Hello!!  I'm sure you all get that so I don't need to explain myself further.

I told her that I ate less this week because I couldn't weigh myself.  She asked if I "restricted in an unhealthy amount."  I looked at her and sort of laughed.  She said, "Did you eat less than 1200 calories?"  I looked at her again and was like, "Well, I don't count calories, but I eat less than that most every day."  She asked me if I was ever hungry and I said yes. 

So, that was my day.  Not stressful at all.  (Right).  Tonight I have 20 high school girls coming over for pizza.  I made a cake and brownies for them. 

Geez in a box, I'm exhausted!

Oh, Stephanie is supposed to call me after she talks to Charro...which will hopefully be today.  I'm kind of scared of what Charro might say to her because she doesn't think this study is so good for me.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Bikini top day!

I got an email from Stephanie saying that she hasn't called Charro because she realized that I need to sign a consent form.  Duh, even I knew that I'd probably have to do that.  So, she said she's going to call her tomorrow, which won't be until after I see her at 2 PM, which means that they may not talk because Charro doesn't answer her phone.  I will ask her if there's a good time for Steph to call her though, since I'm seeing her in the morning.

So, I had to email Steph the pictures I had to take of myself, since I didn't feel like printing them out.  So, I just did that and looking at the pictures made me want to throw!  Ugh!  What's even worse is that I can't just rip them apart and talk about how bad I look.  I know that's not point of the study, but I am sick of having to speak in "neutral" terms, I want to just be able to say how I'm really feeling and what I see.  I need to get it out somewhere and I am not allowed to do that.  It's building up.

I have to wear a bikini top to the study tomorrow and that means I need my stomach to be as flat as possible.  I should eat right now because I only had spinach before class, but I don't want to.  I don't really have anything here that interests me anyway, but maybe I'll have some strawberries.  I know I should have more than that.  Maybe I'll have a yogurt.  I'm definitely not going to want to eat lunch before I go stand half naked in front of Stephanie and the mirror.  Yes, probably not what I'm supposed to do, but it is what it is. 

I'm going to ask both Charro and Steph to let me know what happens after they speak.  Hopefully I will hear from one of them tomorrow afternoon because if I have to wait until next Friday I will go insane.


I've had hives on my hands since Sunday.  My lips broke out in some major itching thing on Tuesday, after I ate a peach.  I think I had an allergic reaction to it but I won't know for sure unless I eat one again and see if the same thing happens.  This lip thing happened last week after I had watermelon, but I wouldn't break out from watermelon.  Anyway, now my lips are a bit blistered and sting a little.

I hate taking these pictures of myself and having to describe myself in "neutral" terms.  I think it's stupid.  I get it, but I still think it's stupid because I'm never going to talk in such a way.  I don't mean that in a negative way, I mean, we as people do not speak like this.  Oh, and I'm so looking forward to standing half naked in front of Stephanie tomorrow.  Shorts and a bikini top.  Fun. She said she would look the other way.

So Stephanie said she was going to call Charro on Monday and as of last night Charro had not heard from her.  Part of me thinks that it's not her responsibility to call her.  She doesn't have to go out of her way for me and care about me because she's done with me in 2 weeks.  The other part of me is annoyed because she said she was going to call her on Monday.  I am sure she's really busy and all, but don't say you're going to do something and then not do it.  I'm not mad, just a little annoyed.

I have superglue stuck to my thumb.  I need to clean and bake today because I'm having the girls from my team over for dinner tomorrow night.  I am not cooking this time, like I did for the field hockey team, we are getting pizza.  I don't feel like making 4 pounds of macaroni and sauce to go with it.  Not today.

Started playing field hockey again last night.  :)  Yay!  Our "field" sucks and is pretty dangerous and hard to run on, but it's ok.  It's rocky, sandy, ditchy, and on a hill.  Fun!

I've managed to get the number back down on the scale, so that makes me happy. :)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pulled in the driveway

I got home and pulled in the driveway and my parents were outside doing yardwork.  My mom came over and said, "you look so skinny in that outfit.  You look so skinny in that skirt.  That's a nice compliment isn't it?"  Then my dad walked over.  "Doesn't she look really skinny in that skirt?"  (My dad) "No, she looks the same to me.  How much do you weigh?"  (me) 100.  (dad) You were like 103-104 weren't you?  (me) I haven't been 103 in a long time.  The end.

Car ride with my dad later tonight.  "You still going to therapy twice a week?"  "Yes."  "I thought you were going to cut down to once a week."  "No.  I never said that."  "Oh, I thought you said that.  Do you still like her?  You must be getting something out of it if you still go."  "Yes."  (I used short, one word answers).  "What's her name again?"

That was that.  I've got serious hives on my hands and have for three days.  My lips have been getting really itchy too.  What's up with that?

Monday, May 24, 2010

I just wanted to leave

My sesh with Charro was not fun this morning.  Not that it's supposed to be fun, but it was the I want to get up and leave right now not "funness."  I actually said to her, about 10 minutes in, that I did not want to be there and I had nothing to say. 

She basically said to me, "Palm, you're not going to get better."  ( I hate when my name gets thrown in there).  That is exactly what she said, not what she "basically" said.  She went on to say, "Not if you continue to want to weigh what you want to weigh.  I have to be really honest with you.  It's like a farce for us to continue to pretend that we're dealing with your eating disorder when you just refuse to move weights.  I know it's hard to take that in, but it's the truth."  Well, yep, she's kind of right...if "getting better" means gaining weight.  I don't want to gain weight.  I want to actually lose 2 pounds, but that's another story.

So it was at that point that I really wanted to just get the hell out of there because I don't want to gain weight and there was nothing more for me to say.  She wanted me to "reflect" on how I was feeling and what I was thinking.  I told her I didn't want to "reflect."  Blah!

So I told her that Stephanie was going to give her a call.  I gave them both permission to discuss anything they needed to.  I want to know when they talk and what they say.  I asked Stephanie to let me know after they spoke.  The waiting might drive me more insane than I already am.  She said she was going to call her today, but I don't know if that will happen.  She probably even forgot that she said she was going to call her.  Then they'll play phone tag, so they may never talk to each other.  They'll probably only talk for five seconds anyway, but I still want to know.  I asked Charro if she would tell me what they talked about and she said yes, but I don't want to have to wait until Friday to find out.

I need to take a shower and make some sauce.  I need to get in touch with one of my clients too, but he's not around.  I've already tried him a few times.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Gotta get away

I woke up at 5 again this morning.  That seems to be the trend.  My blinds aren't very good so a lot of light shines in and then I'm doomed.  I love that it's light that early though.  I LOVE SUMMER!

So, I worked out and met some friends for lunch.  Oh yeah, I weighed myself when I first woke up and I was/am NOT happy with the number.  I have to not weigh myself the rest of the day though.  That will be tough.  I may be meeting some friends in the park to play bocce later.  Let's hope that's the case because if I sit in my apartment I will just want to weigh myself.  I could take a nap.  I plan on organizing my closet too.

Charro in the morning.  I'm not sure how that will go.  I'm guessing that my answer to her question is no.  I do not think I can go a month without weighing myself.  Actually, I know I can't.  That is for certain.  I don't know where we'll go from there.  I wonder what she and Stephanie will talk about when they talk.  I hope they both give me a full report.  I will definitely ask.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Mind clearing run

WTF, I have no idea what the hell just happened to my post but I'm pissed because I wrote it and some weird message popped up and it disappeared.

I woke up a little after 7 AM and did nothing for a few hours.  Finally, at 11 AM I went for a run.  It was a good, 8 mile run.  I ran it pretty fast too, which is nice.  It felt good.  I needed to just get out and try and clear my head.  I don't really think I cleared my head too much, but I did manage to just watch the river, run, and listen to my music.  It was definitely needed and I didn't hate doing it.  I learned that I could have done the half marathon under two hours at the rate I was going.  I got a good workout, which I needed as well.

I got home and cleaned a little and then went for a long walk in the park with a friend.  My legs are tired but that's okay.  I should have dinner but I don't know what to have.  I'll probably just make a protein shake with lots of fruit in it. I had a piece of raisin bread a few minutes ago.

I haven't weighed myself today.  I don't know how tomorrow will turn out.  We shall see.  I feel fat right now.  I think my stomach is always fat.  Tomorrow I am going to lunch with friends so my guess is that I'll have to urge to weigh myself after I get home from that. 

Here's a funny thing; yesterday I made Charro home made lemonade because she loves it.  She sipped it through our sesh and then at one point she started chugging it.  I was talking, stopped and could hear her chugging it down.  I don't know if I made a face or not, but I started laughing and she finished drinking and said, "This is really good.  I really like it, if you couldn't tell by my slirping it down."  Ha.  We both laughed about that one.

I think my original post was better than this crap that I just wrote.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Lots to process today

Wow, I have a lot to process today and I just got home, am tired, should eat, but I want to write first.  I think I'm blowing off the half marathon.  I don't even want to get into that one right now, but I just realized that I really do NOT want to do it.  I am still feeling guilty about this possible decision so I may end up doing it.

Okay, so my sesh with Charro was okay.  She wants an answer from me on Monday as to whether or not I can commit to NOT weighing myself for a month.  Yes, she said ONE MONTH!  I kind of looked at her like she had three heads and was left speechless.  So, Monday she wants an answer from me.  She said she really thinks I need to go cold turkey on this one.

So onto my sesh with Stephanie.  Ugh!  We talked about the weighing and how poorly it went.  Well, she tried to keep it pretty positive.  She asked me if I kept a food journal and thought planning my food out might help because I tend to not eat, or am afraid to eat, when I can't weigh myself.  Then she told me that I couldn't weigh myself for a week and that I had to give my scale to my next door neighbor.   (She knows we're friends).  I said that that was not going to happen.  She said I NEEDED to give it to her tonight and that I should ring her doorbell and wake her up if she was sleeping in order to give it to her.  I told her that I was not going to wake up.  We finally agreed that I wasn't going to give her my scale unless I weighed myself more than once a day.  I'm not really sure how we got back to the once a day weighing thing, but I'm fine with that.  I did tell her I'd try to skip a day or two here and there.  While we were discussing over how often I should weigh myself, etc., I told her what Charro wanted me to do.  We talked about that and for some reason she said that if I only weighed myself once a day from now until Monday she would call Charro and talk to her about my weighing and try and convince her that a month is pushing it.  I said something (during this weight discussion) like "Can't you call her and talk to her about it?"  Or something like that, and she actually said she would.  I am still blown away by this one a little.  I'm not really sure what happened or what I said or what she would say, and is it really her place to get involved when Charro has been working with me for 3 years?  Who knows.  She's definitely harder on me and she even said that she thinks Charro lets me get away with a lot.  (Calling her Charro is sounding weird all of a sudden).  Overall, I think they pretty much have the same approach on things.

So, that's the weight deal.  Then I had to get in front of the mirror wearing "short shorts and a fitted tank top."  Not easy.  My distress level was actually higher this time than it was last time.  When I said, "I might throw up," she said "There's a garbage can over here."  I really wasn't going to throw up. 

So I have to talk about myself from head to toe three times...front, side and back view.  Ugh!!  She keeps yelling at me to look in the mirror because I tend not to.  It's so uncomfortable.  I was like, "When can I just rip myself apart so you can hear exactly how I feel and what I see so I can get some validation?"  Apparently, I don't get to do that, but I kind of knew that. 

Oh, so I'm supposed to distract myself everytime I want to weigh myself.  We decided that I would bake treats when I felt that way.  I said, "My apartment's going to look like a bakery."  I told her (jokingly) that I would bake cookies and give them to her and she said that I could do that.  So, that works for me!  Yay.  I love baking and love giving my baked goods away.  Clearly I will not be baking everytime I feel the need to weigh myself because that would be nuts.  I'm just not allowed to compensate with physical activity.

It was a rough hour in there with her today.  Next week I have to wear shorts and a bikini top.  I have to take 3 pictures of myself again for my homework.  I told her that she has to turn the other way while I'm wearing my bikini (basically b/c I don't want to her seeing my fatness), and she said she would if I could be trusted to look in the mirror. 

This is NOT easy and not enjoyable, but it's all good.  I set myself up for the challenge so I am taking it.  I honestly wish I could see both of them at the same time (not at the same time on the clock) because I think having them both is quite helpful.

Oh yeah, we lost our game. :(

I should eat dinner but I'm not hungry, just tired.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Really, we won? I lost.

I kind of gave up on the whole not weighing thing.  I blew it this morning and weighed myself 4 times in a row.  Well, actually I blew it yesterday, big time, but it's okay.  It is what it is so I am not dwelling on it.

My time won yesterday which means we play in the finals tomorrow.  What the heck??  We didn't win all season and now we are winning when I keep thinking we're going to be done.  So I'm meeting with Steph at 2 and then the bus leaves at 3 PM.  How is that going to happen?  I'm going to have to haul ass.  At least it's only 14 blocks away.  I emailed Steph to see if she can take me earlier.  If not, no big deal, I'll make it work.  I'll just be stressed.

Not happy with my weight.  Half marathon is in two days.  I'm doing it alone which is going to be sooooooo boring.  Ugh! I have to get up at 5 AM to get there on time.  Lovely.  It's just one big ball of fun that I didn't want to partake in from the start and now I'm stuck doing it alone because my friends, who talked me into doing it, bagged out.  Nice, right?!  I just have to remind myself how many calories I'll burn and that's what makes it worth it.  Plus I'll feel like I somewhat accomplished something, I guess.

I need to go outside.  It's finally nice out again and I think it's going to stay this way for a bit.  It better!!  And by "a bit" I mean until November 30th! :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Done with that

I'm done with this whole only weighing myself once a day thing.  Stephanie is going to be disappointed but I can't do it anymore.  I all of a sudden weight 347 lbs, so I need to be able to weigh myself. 

Here's what happens:  I can't weigh myself when I want to so I just stay hungry, for the most part.  Like last night I went to bed hungry because I couldn't weigh myself to see if I was "allowed" to eat.  So, what I'm trying to say is, not weighing = not eating, which is not the point of the whole exercise.  Or I can weigh myself and maybe eat.  All I know is that I need to lose a few.

Time to work out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Purrfect day at work

I was supposed to go see some clients today. Well, one was not available and the other's stuff that they needed was not in yet, so I did not get to go see clients.  That was nice because they were far away and it was raining.  I was at the office for a few minutes and then my coworker went under her desk and pulled out a little 6 week old kitten.  Needless to say I stole it for a few hours and played with it (still not sure of it's sex) and then it slept on me for a while.  It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO STINKING CUTE!!!  I want it!!  It curled up on my shoulder and slept, on my neck and back and slept as I stood, and on my chest and in my arms.  I want it!!  I love the little bugger.

Came hope and made soup for my mom because she is sick.  I think it cleared out her sinuses.  I made tortilla soup.  My dad can't eat because he's having a colonoscopy in the morning.  He said, "that's all you're eating?" to me.  I said, "No."  Well, I don't want anything else but I wasn't going to say "Yes dad, that's all I'm eating."  He asked what I was going to have and I said, "I don't know."  He's probably forgotten all about it, which is good.

I need to weigh myself.  We'll see if I can wait til tomorrow morning.  Stephanie will be so impressed if I do.  Charro (wow, I totally just wrote her real name by mistake) might be too.  I don't know.  I really don't think I should bother even trying to "get better" because I don't think it's possible.  I think I'm stuck this way and this is how it's going to be.  Yes, it sucks.  Stephanie asked me how many waking hours a day do I think about my body, weight, food, etc?  My answer, every single hour and them sometimes in my dreams.  She said, "That does not sound very fun."  Nope, it's not.  It completely sucks.

Oh, I gotta go make my 7 layer magic squares.  The butter is in the oven.  Making them for my sister.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Chats with professional listeners

I filled Charro in on how things went with Stephanie on Friday.  We shall see how things go this Friday.

I talked to the psychologist at school today.  I actually wanted to get her info for a friend of mine, then we started chatting about my team and the girls on the team.  She mentioned different girls on the team and how they're playing and then said the name of the girl who I talked to on the bus a week or two ago.  I said, "Actually I had to have a little discussion with her recently."  Then I told her that she told me how she didn't want to eat dinner, etc.  The psych said, "I'm on top of that.  I actually talked to her last week about it.  She's lost a lot of weight."  So, we were discussing it and I said, "I'm glad you're on top of it.  I'll stay on top of it too, though I guess I am not really qualified to be on top of it."  She said, "No, please stay on top of it too."  Then she got a phone call and, unfortunately, that was the end of the conversation.

So I'm only allowed to weigh myself once a day (morning).  That's part of my homework from Stephanie.  So, I've been doing it, but I really want to weigh myself more, especially when it's time for me to eat because I feel like I need to know how much I weigh before I eat so I can figure out what I can eat and if I can eat.  Everytime I get the urge to weigh myself I am allowed to distract myself by doing push-ups.  Funny, I didn't think she would go for that idea, but she did.  My cat is licking my hand and his breath smells.  He's being a good boy.  So, my arms may get pretty jacked this week.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award

So David over at Eat for Fun tagged me in the "Beautiful Blogger Award" thingy.  So, I'm supposed to reveal my seven secrets.  Do I have seven secrets??  I am so tired and not thinking very clearly, but I will try and think of seven.

1.  I guess I have an eating disorder.  Clearly you guys are aware of that, but most are not.
2.  I count how many seconds I pee for because I feel like every 10 seconds equals half a pound.
3.  I have a huge fear of the gynecologist.
4.  I really, really love sweets.  Not sure if that's really a secret but most are shocked when I eat a "treat."
5.  I love watching documentaries on weather and animals.  It's not that I keep it a secret, but people probably don't know that.
6.  I don't discuss my relationships (guys) with my friends.
7.  I overflowed my gas tank the other day because I didn't trust the machine not letting me pump more.  It led me astray last time I filled my tank.

There you go.  Life altering, right! Ha!


I went out last night.  About 2 months ago my friend told me to save the date and that we were going somewhere.  I didn't know where and I didn't know until we got there.  It was a perfect night weather wise, so we walked to where we were going.  We went to Radio City to see Chelsea Handler.  I was so excited.  We both think she is absolutely hysterical.  (Someone once told me that I reminded them of her, which was a compliment in the humor department.  I'm not as raunchy as she is though).  I never laughed for a straight hour like that.  I actually couldn't breathe because my nose got so stuffed up from laughing.  She's so freaking sarcastic and funny.  I love it. 

After the show we waited by the stage door and she came out.  She stood literally about 6 inches from me, face to face.  I got a somewhat decent picture with my phone.  She is just so freaking funny.

I'm exhausted.  She didn't go on until 11:45 PM and I can't sleep past 7 AM so I got not that much sleep.  The night before I only got 5 hours of sleep too, so I desperately need sleep.  Not going to happen today.  I have to teach in an hour, then meeting friends in the park, then meeting another friend in the park, then laundry, then sleep!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Pictures of me

I have to take pictures of myself for this study and write neutral things about my appearance.  I have to take 3 pictures.  I just tried taking one and it's stupid.  First of all, I can't take a picture of myself.  Second of all, I don't want to look at a picture of me.  All I see is the negative stuff.  I know, that's the point of the homework, to NOT point out the negatives.  Ugh!

I'm tired because I went to bed after 12 AM and woke up around 5 AM.  I'm going out in a few minutes and I have no idea where I'm going.  It's a surprise.  Not sure what I should be wearing, but oh well.  I know my contacts are killing me and my hip has been hurting since I was sleeping.  I feel like it's my bone.  It doesn't hurt a lot but I get an occasional pain in it.  I hope I don't have cancer or something.

I had a good run this afternoon.  I forced myself to go run.  The weather was perfect and I think I ran faster than I planned.  I need to be able to pace myself for this 13 miles next Saturday.  I have a hard time running slow.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mirror time, Day 1

Finally!  I've been gone for the past 12 hours.  I just got home and want to go to bed but I want to write first, then I can crash. 

I had my first day of the mirror exposure.  It was hard and uncomfortable.  Stephanie came out to get me and she seemed really happy to see me.  She was like "It's so nice to see you again."  That was nice.  We went into the office and she asked me how I've been since we last met (about 2 months ago).  I told her that I think I've become more obsessive with how much I hate my body, or I'm just more aware of it.  She asked me how things are going with Charro and if she's making me do anything (gain weight, etc.).  She asked me how the weighing is going.  Then she demonstrated what I had to do in front of mirror.  She went through the top half of her body, well, I guess just down to her shoulders and then she stopped.  I have to speak in "neutral" terms.  So I have to say things like "my hair is thick.  It's blonde.  My shoulders are round and wide.  My arms are big and soft."  Stuff like that.  Not fun, let me tell you.  I had to stare at myself in the mirror for three different angles.  I kept looking away and looking at other things and she kept telling me to look in the mirror.  She asked me what my distress level was on a scale of 1-100 before we started and I said 80. 

After I did the mirror stuff we talked a bit.  I have some homework assignments.  I have to take 3 pictures of myself and write about myself in neutral terms, and I can only weigh myself once a day.  She said I can do push-ups when I have the urge to weigh myself.

She called me out on the "I don't know" and the "fine" right at the beginning.  I forgot how good she is.  She really is good at this and she doesn't even have her degree yet.  I really like her.

Oh, I asked her why she's doing this if it isn't part of the study.  I said she's wasting her time.  She said, "Is it wasting my time if I don't think it's wasting my time?"  I said, "No."  She said it will be interesting for her to do this because she hasn't done both parts with someone and she wants to see what the outcome is.

Oh yeah, so here's the worst part.  She told me what I have to wear next week.  She told me I need to wear "short shorts and a fitted tank top."   I was like "I don't have short shorts."  She told me I could wear spandex (bike shorts), but there is no way in hell that that is happening.  NO one sees me in spandex.  Those are worn under my workout shorts so people don't see my ass while we're doing abs in class.  Oh yeah, and BTW, I'm supposed to wear a bikini on our last sesh.  HA!!!  Okay, maybe a top, but there is NO way in hell that I'm stripping down to a full fledged bikini.  I asked her if I could wear shorts and she said that she would like to have me not wear them.  I clearly have some serious incentive to get my ass into some serious shape in the next month.  I am fine wearing a bikini...WHEN it's worn in the appropriate place (beach, pool, laying out), but not standing in an office, in front of a mirror, with a soon to be psychologist!!!!!!  Um, hello!!  The tank top is bad enough.  Fun times!

Bed time!  I'm hungry maybe.  Too bad.  Teeth are brushed and eyes are ready to close.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Oprah and eating disorders

Apparently Oprah is starting her own network.  Hmm, I must have been in a coma or something because I didn't know about this.  It's called "OWN" and it's apparently going to hit the airwaves in January.  Oprah signed on to air a show about eating disorder rehabs, called "Inside Rehab."  A lot of people are not happy with this, but I cannot wait to see it.  I'll actually have something to look forward to in January.  Usually that's just a sucky month of cold, brutally cold, weather!  From what I've read, it's 8 one hour episodes inside facilities.  Yay!!  I am going to love this show!

Back to the study

Tomorrow's a busy day.  Charro in the morning, study at noon, game, babysit.  I am not going to be too excited about this mirror exposure thing.  I'm sure I'll be pretty nervous.  I don't know how it's all going to work.  I can't believe I have to stare at myself in a mirror with someone there with me, trying to talk to me about it all.

Maybe I'll wake up really skinny.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm thawing out because it's freezing out.  Rainy too.  Fun.  Mirror exposure starts on Friday.  Fun.  Should be interesting and not fun at all. 

I'm in a bad mood. 

My friends backed out of the half marathon that we were all supposed to run next week.  I'm still running because I paid for it and committed to it.  I will not run if it's raining.  I didn't want to run in the first place but got talked into it and now I'm going to end up running it by myself.  Great, double the torture.  The only good this is that I will burn a bunch of calories.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Trying to explain crappiness

I had a nutty body image study/E.D. dream last night, but I guess I don't feel like writing about it.  Part of it was that I had to eat with Steph before I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself.  Oh, and by the way, 2 students were going to be sitting there in the room with me while I talked about my body.  I was like, none of this, the eating or the girls, is going to happen.

I told Charro how crappy I was feeling yesterday about my body.  I seriously felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking how fat I was.  I felt so fat and disgusting as soon as I changed from my sweatpants to jeans and a t-shirt.  The rolls were just huge and I couldn't deal with it.  It's pretty much all I could think about all day while I was with my family.

Charro asked the questions that I thought she would ask when I brought this up.  I really can't see it as distorted.  I can't even explain how fat and disgusting and awful I felt.  I really don't think there are words to describe it.  I tried, but I don't think I did a good job.

I walked to Charro's this morning but I need to go to the gym.  I kind of don't want to.  I should, and I only have a limited time to do so if I want to get a workout in.  I really don't want to go, but I have to and I should.  I am trying to talk myself into it but it's not working all that well.  Okay, I need to go, even if it's just for a half hour.  But then I think, why did I even bother going if it was only for 30 minutes.  Ugh.  I just need to do it.

I'm not hungry today.  That usually means that I'm going to get my period, but it never comes when it's supposed to, and it's supposed to come today, so that would be weird.  I'm sure I won't get it today, or anytime this week. 

Enough of that useless info.  I'm off to be productive, maybe.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Chop it off

My family came for Mother's Day.  I got up, finished cooking, cleaned and went to teach aerobics.  Oh wait, I already wrote that this morning.  We both got back to my place about the same time.  We ate and I felt freaking huge and disgusting.  I know everyone was looking at me and thinking how fat I was.  I know it.  I will tell Charro that and she'll say, "You really think they're thinking that?"  Yes, yes I am really thinking that, and no, I can't step back and realize that it's what I'm thinking and not necessarily what they're thinking.  I know I am fat and I can totally see that fat rolls and muffin top I have and it makes me want to throw up.  I need to get rid of that all before Friday when I start this mirror exposure crap.  I just need to get rid of all my fat.  I want to chop it off!!

Now onto my facebook rant...

I think facebook status updates are the dumbest thing in the world.  Seriously!!  I can't even talk about how dumb I think they are because I'll just get annoyed, but do I really care what people are doing, like if they're stuck in traffic, or whatever the hell else they have to say.  Most of it is just redic!
I've been crazy busy the past week.  I don't mind though.  It's just been a lot of rushing from one place to the next.

Yesterday morning we had a game.  We had 2 rain delays because of t-storms and then we finished at 11:30 AM.  We had to wait for the stupid softball team to finish their game, which was also delayed, and ended up waiting 2 hours.  So annoying.  Should have gotten home by 1 and didn't get home until 3 PM.  Then, after going back in forth about wanting me to cook or going out to eat, my mom told me to go ahead and cook for today.  That meant going to the grocery store and cooking up a storm until I babysat last night.  I have to finish cooking now, and do some cleaning.  My parents and sis and boys are coming today.  They'll be here by the time I'm done teaching aerobics.  I have less than 2 hours to do this stuff, so I guess I should get on it.  I have to empty the dishwasher too.  I need to make the guacamole and some brownies.  Both are pretty simple so that's not bad.  Then I will clean.

Not happy with my weight.  Charro wants me to stop weighing myself for a week.  She challenged me to that last Monday and I didn't do it.  She asked me how it was going on Friday.  I didn't think she would remember.  I don't know how she remembers everything we talk about.  I just don't understand that at all.  She has all these other people to remember things about, how can she possibly do it??

Ok, I gotta get to work.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Staging an intervention

We were on the bus home from practice today when the girl behind me, a junior in high school, said how she doesn't think she should eat dinner because she feels bad after eating and feels like she should just have veggies at night.  She's lost weight, not since I've known her, but apparently she's lost like 15 pounds.  She's not over weight at the moment.  She and I started talking and I started questioning her.  She said she eats 900-1000 calories a day.  I told her that that is not enough and went into the whole metabolism spiel and how she needs to eat, blah blah.  I also asked her why she feels bad after she eats.  I told her that people need to eat.  Normal people eat and don't feel bad after doing so.  We talked for about 15-20 minutes.  It made me sad to hear her say that she thinks she's fat and that she can't eat like normal people because she'll get fat.  She said she doesn't eat any fat and I told her that she needs fat to burn fat.  I want to stop her from getting out of control.  She told me she sees a psychologist, not for eating stuff, just for general purposes.  She's such a great girl and I don't want to see her have years of this ahead of her.  I want to take her and be like, "Listen, I know from experience..." but I'm not so sure that that's appropriate given my position as her coach.  It just makes me sad.  I told her that she should bring up how she feels about food and eating with her psych.  I'm going to stay on top of her.  She said all the girls at school are so skinny.  I told her that that is not the case.  :(

In the seat behind her was a girl who is on a "cleanse."  She hadn't eaten anything all day as of 6 PM.  Her friend was having an intervention with her and I turned around when I heard her say she was on a cleanse.  Ugh, what am I going to do about these girls??  The first girl is the nicest girl.  The second one, well, she's a pain in the ass. :)

I have no idea how I'm going to get everything I need to get done in the next 24 hours.  I am cooking for my family on Sunday so I need to buy the stuff, cook, bake, clean.  Ugh.  I have a game tomorrow, which will take up 5 hours of my day.  I can't work out, which is NOT good.  I have to cook in the spare time that I have.  I might have a date in the afternoon, and I'm babysitting at night.  Hmmm, I need two of me.  I am the size of what two of me would be, but that doesn't help me any.

My fruit song, sort of

The taping of the Rachael Ray show was cool.  My friends and I had fun.  We got a little surprise backstage tour and got to meet RR.  We got a picture with her.  She wasn't very friendly.  I kind of thought that might be the case, but I was hoping that what I had heard was wrong.  I know someone who interned at the show and said she was pretty tough to work for.  I still like what she does though...and I got a cool picture. :)  The lady who got us the tickets also gave us a cookbook.  Yes!  I am going to flip through it now.

Was going to have a picnic in Central Park on Mother's Day with my rents, sis and the boys, but now it's supposed to be cold so I think we're going to go out to lunch instead.  Too bad, I was really looking forward to cooking and baking everything. :(

Babysitting tonight and maybe tomorrow night.  Yes, I love easy money. 

Running before practice because it's gorg out.  Tomorrow I hope it pours in the morning because we have a game and I would like it to be cancelled so I can workout instead.

My cat is cleaning her "little foot."  Why is that so cute? :)

Today I bought a big pineapple, 8 lemons, 3 tomatoes, 5 pears, 2 big container of blackberries and 4 bananas for $13.  What's better than that??  That was almost like the 12 days of Christmas.  FIVE golden pears, 4 bananas, 3 tomatoes, 2 things of blackberries, and a big huge pineapple! :)

Thursday, May 06, 2010

High five!

I'm going to see a taping of the Rachael Ray show today.  Yay.  I hope she gives things away because that will be fun.  I hope there are cool guests too. 

Half marathon is in 2 weeks.  Maybe I should start training?? 

Mirror exposure starts next Friday.  Maybe I should lose weight!!

Went to a concert last night.  Some guy who was like 90 feet tall came up to me after the show and was like, "You need to get a high five. I'm going to pick you up."  He kept insisting that I needed a high five from the singer.  He asked if I was wearing a skirt and I said yes so he didn't lift me up.  Ha.  He was so funny and looked like Will Ferrell.  So, he enlisted this other really tall guy, like 6'5", to lift me up.  He held me up for a long time.  I would say at least 30 seconds.  His arms and shoulders are going to be SO SORE today.  It was pretty funny though.  I didn't even want a high five, nor did I get one because the singer was too far away. 

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

"You're disgusting to eat with!"

That is what my mother said to me at dinner tonight.  I was eating chicken and I took a bite and spit it out.  There was something chewy in it so I was NOT going to eat that.  I took a bite of the next piece I cut and the same thing, so I spit it out again.  My mom then said, "You are disgusting to eat with."  I said, "There was something chewy in it.  I wasn't going to eat that."  The End!

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom and she asked if I was still seeing Charro.  Random, out of the blue question.  Then she asked me if she had had her baby.  Um, duh, the kid is almost 6 months old.  At least my mom actually said her name right this time and didn't call her "Charro."

Monday, May 03, 2010

Todays Celeb Sightings!

Mick Jagger, P-Diddy, Whoopi Goldberg, Anne Hathaway, Janet Jackson, Katy Perry, Donald Trump, Diane Sawyer, Kathryn Heigl.  I think I missed some.  Oh yeah...and J-Lo too!

White boots, black men

I was wearing my white, rubber rain boots this morning.  On my way back from Charro's I got one "I like your boots" and one "nice boots" from two different black men.  I thought it was pretty funny that my boots drew so much attention from men.  The first guy was sitting in the park, the second was driving down the street.  Now, I'm not sure if they were making fun or my boots or actually liked them.  I guess that will never be determined.

Then I walked into my building and my doorman goes, "I like your boots."  I stopped and laughed and said, "You are the third person to say that to me.  Do you really like them or are you making fun of them?"  He said, "No, they're cute."  I responded with, "Maybe I should wear them all the time.  They seem to get the guys' attention."

My sesh didn't tape with Charro because I messed it up.  Oh well.  We then had to ride the elevator downstairs together.  That was a first.  We discussed phone chargers because she forgot hers. 

Sunday, May 02, 2010


I get very overwhelmed by food.  Now is one of those "sometimes."  I feel like I can't eat, therefore I won't eat until I'm completely starving.  I have too many fat rolls and I don't need food.

Sunny days and bikinis

Yesterday was a beautiful day!  Perfect.  Today it won't be as sunny and we may get a t-storm, but it's warm and I love it.  I'm going to teach aerobics and then going for a bike ride with my friend.  I have to say, I'm quite happy with the tan I got yesterday.  I know I'm totally obsessed with being tan and it's bad, really bad, but I can't really help it.  I know I will regret it and pay for it in the future, but it feels so good right now, and looks so good.  I love the feeling of the sun beating down on me.  I love sleeping in the sun.  I love being tan.

So, I think this stupid mirror exposure thing is going to be so much harder than I anticipated.  I don't start for another two weeks, but still, I'm starting to think about it.  She's going to want me to wear more revealing/tighter clothes.  I am going to walk in there and everyone will be looking at me thinking she should not be wearing that.  She doesn't need to be here.  She must lie about her eating and exercise.  Charro and I talked about those thoughts for a bit on Friday and how they're "Unrealistic," but I disagree.  To me they are very realistic.  She wanted me to tap into my "wise mind" but I don't have one when it comes to this.  I feel like I need to be nice and skinny when I go and do this.  What if she wants me to wear a bikini top or something?  I am fine wearing them, since I do it all the time, but usually my eyes are closed so I'm not staring at myself in a mirror for 10 minutes with it on.  If I think I look fat, she most certainly will.

One cat is outside, the other is wandering around in her.  She wants me to turn the water on in the bathroom sink.  I need to train her to do it herself. :)

Saturday, May 01, 2010

OP dream

I had a dream last night that I went to this out patient place.  I got there, not really sure how, but I was there and there were about 10 other girls, all thinner and taller than I am.  My sister was sitting on a couch and I said to her, "You don't really think I need to be here.  You don't even care."  She said, "Yes I do" and then she read a letter that she wrote about why I needed to be there.  It was only about 6 sentences but they said enough.  She was crying a little while she read it.  So I said, "Fine, I'll try it out for the day."

I did not want to be there and it showed.  It was around 10 AM and I had eaten breakfast before I went but they wanted me to eat breakfast again.  I was like, "No, I already ate breakfast.  I'm not eating it again."  Then they tried to give me a brownie and I refused it so I had to eat a plum.  The other girls were quiet and eating, I think.  They wouldn't let me drink water either, only 1 glass with my meal. 

I had to go to the bathroom after I ate my plum and some of the girls followed me in there.  I shut the door on them.  It was a bathroom like a house bathroom but it had two toilets in it and a window that looked into the kitchen.  The window was cracked and some of the girls were looking in so I tried to cover it up with a paper towel.  I couldn't pee with people watching me.

Not really sure what else happened in the dream.  I'm sure I had this dream because my friend and I were talking about inpatient regarding someone else.